Please dear friends, remember, what they call you and how they treat you is really how they feel about themselves deep inside. Never ever let anyone make you doubt your own sanity
To be accurate, sociopaths and psychopaths HAVE no feelings...this is why such people have those labels. Run of the mill narcissists are not necessarily sociopaths or psychopaths, in which case their innermost feelings MAY not be dead. I just wanted to clarify the real world for the 380 likes that need to know that, indeed, not is all as rosy as you may like to believe.
Ultimate trio: 1. Walking away 2. Grey rock 3. No contact for life Appreciatte yourself, your self-respect, integrity and lifetime. Don't let toxic people to steal your time of the life, you will never get it back, it is time, energy and nerves lost. Thank you and have a good and successful life.
Sums it up nicely. Have had to apply all three, sadly. You hit the nail on the head with self respect and integrity. You can't let people walk over you.
Attlanttizz and yet you do. So what happens when "you can't" and yet "they do"? How do you react? The reason I say this is that people like to say all sorts of things which sound philosophical and positive and yet the reality is that life isn't like that. What's important is not what people should or shouldn't do, nor what you "can't" or "can" do certain things. But rather, how you react when you think these thoughts: that people "shouldn't": because the minute they do, which you can guarantee on this planet they will, then what happens?
When the narcissist engages you in conversation, talk about the weather and when they try to change the topic, steer them back. When you do this three times in a row then you will become the boring weather person and they will avoid you.
“Throughout the first years of our lives we were forced not just to internalize a few aspects of capital, but to build up a structure of internalizations. As our capacity for coherent natural self-regulation was systematically broken down, a new system of self regulation took its place, a coherent system, incorporating all the aspects of self-repression. We participated in capital’s ongoing project of colonization by colonizing ourselves, by continually working at the construction of a unitary character-structure (character armor), a unitary defense against all drives, feelings, and desires which we learned were dangerous to express. In the place of our original transparent relations to our world, we created a structure of barriers to our selfexpression which hides us from ourselves and others.”Jay Amrod and Lev Chernyi, “Beyond Character and Morality: Towards Transparent Communications and Coherent Organization.” Howard J. Ehrlich ed. Reinventing Anarchy, Again (San Francisco, California: AK Press, 1996), 321
@@Frank.Melendrez they will exhaust your energy/positivity if you argue with them.. let them play by themselves and as the word goes: the best revange is MASSIVE SUCCESS
So true.. A guy I dated acted like an empath but once told me with such passion how his dad killed himself because of his ignorance.. I mean I don't talk to my parents for 10 years now too but wow that was cruel, he felt so special..
In the black community in the U.S. are a prime example. Atlanta isn't the same anymore because of this. Atlanta is more like Albany, GA. now. Backwoodsy and all parts in between. This is facts not an opinion.
InSanctvs I definitely see what you mean. Gratefully, we have amazing people making videos like this to share awareness and we have a place in here for discussion and support since the way of the world doesn’t work for everyone. Being a part of this world doesn’t mean we don’t need something different to thrive and grow. It’s a practice...keep it going!
Exactly. Internally, don't get hooked in. Externally, look mildly interested but totally uninvolved, because...it isn't about you. It's all about them. You're just the audience to their chronic tantrum state. Don't feel bad, they'll try and get you back into the spotlight. Just to eviscerate you again. It's a state of being like conscious meditation. Be present. Be detached. Be observant (safety first at all times), be calmly remote. Never say two words if one will do. Never explain. Never complain. Never ever apologize. Reason won't work. Let the attachment go.
Good video, I have a coworker who always makes fun of me every time he sees me. His face lights up with joy and pleasure as soon as he sees me. But it's not for any good reason. So insulting. After 12 years I'm sick of it. He cornered me with his mate and they were both making jokes and laughing at me at my expense. The last encounter I just gave up responding, just sat there in silence. I realized there was nothing I could do or say to change his behavior. So I did nothing and waited for him. Finally after his jokes he just looked at me , waiting for me to "play my role" or respond how he expected. But I never delivered my lines, so to speak. He gave up, walked away. I think it actually freaked him out a bit. Because I acted in a totally unexpected way. Now this video underlies the value of this kind of "no response". Great job!
Firstly, a person throwing insults doesn't get to choose how the receiver reacts to their insults. For example, some narcissists will hurl insults then feign offence or say you're overreacting when you respond. If you do something to piss someone off, don't be surprised when - guess what - they get pissed-off. Secondly, I had a colleague at work a few years ago who went at it like you have described your experience above, often in front of people to the point of embarrassing other people in the room. I never directly rose to it, but he could tell he was humiliating me. Difference between our stories though, is after a works night out, as we left a bar I dropped him on the pavement and told him why and to stay down. I told him if he has more to give, then so do I. Sorted it (though I recognise he could have called the police - but I guess he knew he was wrong and took it like a man). Never hassled me again.
My issue as well. My therapist made me realize that my vulnerability to overt narcissists comes from the abuse of my narcissistic father. Once I applied gray rock (basically telling the narc coworker to fuck off) I was amazed to see the narc. crumbling down to pieces in a very insecure little boy.
As a person being like an emotional sponge, I found myself attracting those types of people all the time. This is good insight for people like me with so much empathy for others.
Because they know..they can dump their toxicity to a person like you.. without ACTUALLY correcting themselves to begin with.without and or little resistance
correct me if I'm wrong, but you might be mistaking empathy with neurotic people's pleasing. those are two very different things. we feel empathy when someone is hurting, happy, sad, angry. however, when people just want to suck the energy out of others, make them miserable and put them down, you are not reacting to them out of empathy. you are reacting out of the tendency to please everyone around you. I know nothing of the way you grew up, however I would look into that and search for similar patters that formed you the way you are. maybe you had to please a close family member, had to listen to them no matter what or otherwise you'd feel like you dissapointed them. Or maybe you learned that from observing how you close relatives communicate, maybe they too are pleasing everyone around them without even acknowledging that. Correct me if I'm wrong! Have a nice day!
There is a downside tho. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself instead of just letting it pass. Some people take further advantage when we don't react.
That's what I did. Got to the gym to become stronger and handle fighting back. And I did fight back really hard. Get yourself strongest as possible cause life never get easier. The battles always keep coming.
Yeah, I think this method needs to be a calculated choice. You shouldn't employ it as a default. Some people are looking for a reaction, when you have this sussed out, this method might be effective. But some people will sense apathy as an invitation to go further.
When you ignore a negative person, you strip away their power by showing displaying how unaffected you are. Nothing can be more painful than being disregarded out of existence.
@Careful Icarus Everyone's affected in some way by everything they experience. You're not providing a very useful observation. I'll answer my own question. Yes, you are projecting.
@Isabelle Ronin The OP never claimed to be a "rock". You just assumed it. And NO I'm not a " rock". The only thing Op did was the generic, slightly cringey TH-cam comment you see everywhere.
It's a great test. If they repeatedly find your serenity irritating and they react negatively, then it is most likely you are dealing with a narc. What this means is it's so easy to win with these people just by not playing, impossible to win if you play. Their greatest fear is having to accept their behaviour is socially unacceptable.
lol no their greatest fear is surrendering to the realization that they're worthless. That's literally what causes narcissism in the first place: the grinding friction between lethal doses of shame and crude mechanisms of denial that come and go and need 24 hr maintenance - sleep
Important note before I explain a few issues: If you’re being bullied in school and reading this, this is NOT an OK method for you! You shouldn’t have to spend all your energy to cover yourself up while your personality is still developing! YOUR SCHOOL HAS TO TAKE ACTION. This is THEIR job, NOT YOURS! I rarely comment on a video but since I feel 2 extremely important aspects have been left out, I feel a great urge to add something and I’ll keep it brief: 1) this is a 50/50 method. If they’re just an average narcissist, they’ll probably leave you alone, yes. But if they get frustrated enough, they may resort to physical behavior. That’s where the “play dead like an animal and you’ll be left alone” analogy ends. If they feel like you’re actually sensitive and are just putting on a facade around them to get them to stop being toxic, they might start damaging your property, depending on where you encounter an actual psychopath - e.g. if it’s your neighbor you might find your front door has trash on it the next day, if it’s at work, the next morning your workplace might have misplaced items or unplugged cables. They’ll find ways to make sure you know it was probably them without you having any physical evidence, and put you in a position of powerlessness. The major flaw with this method is they’ll likely see you interact with others and realize deep down you care a lot. So it’s just a matter of time until you break - and then you’d be basically conditioning them intermittently instead of fighting them to associate you with boring reactions - which means it’ll INCREASE their behavior (because the rewards are further in between now). Not to mention how they might go after your loved ones or things you do care about and can’t just pretend to be indifferent about. 2) VERY IMPORTANT: this is a TEMPORARY solution. It’s a band-aid. Use this if you have to deal with this kind of person once a week, maybe every now and then. If you work full time and this is a coworker being toxic, this method can be disastrous for your mental health, because you basically have to hold your breath whenever there’s “toxicity” (your breath being your genuine self and emotions being held back) and for quick encounters this is great. But with time this wears you out and can actually plummet you right into depression or worse. I THINK it would be better to address in this video for what specific kind of scenarios this method is useful, because while it sounds nice and dandy in theory, the real world is very complex and very often complex approaches are necessary. My suggestion would be gathering physical evidence depending on the scenario to get legal action involved in case there is enough evidence to do so. Unless you’re a narcissist or mildly antisocial yourself, read: if you are a generally emotional, sensitive and caring person, then these people will hurt you, and getting as many people on your side as possible will not only act as a buffer and make you feel stronger but also possibly give the toxic person the feeling of rejection, hopefully making them rethink their behavior.
Nice comment, i come from a difficult situation, my mother and most of my growing environment was very toxic, so by the time my personality was developed i was very fucked up. I tried lots of things to see if maybe they could stop their attitude, one of them was getting in my "bubble" wich basically is the same idea as this video, but as you said, it is a terrible idea. I tried to KMS one time when I was around 16 and I just felt so miserable but i remained silent so nobody knew what was going on... The worst part is they didn't even know that they were harming me so much because I was silent, so they kept doing anything they wanted for years... In the end I luckily got away from all of them as soon as I could and never spoke to any of them again, but the damage was done very deeply... If only I would've talk sooner to a councelor or someone... But what's interesting is that every time i find another toxic person I act the same way I did back then and that terrifies me, so basically I isolate myself from social interactions until i can fix that somehow.
I'm beginning to realise how important it is to surround yourself with the right people, both in real life and online. Without the advice and encouragement of TH-camrs, I would never have started my meditation music TH-cam channel. Try to spend more time around people who build you up and less around people who pull you down.
Congratulations, I saw a comment of yours on a previous video and I subscribed as well. Keep it up! You’re adding onto greatness, you should check out Akira the Don if you haven’t yet.
No contact, and grey-rocking are good tools at a person's disposal. Personally, I have found that with age, these tools become far easier to deploy and use naturally without fuss. There are benefits of youth, but the benefits of experience are many and varied! Keep rockin'.
As you get older you careless and less about the opinions of others. Teenagers care desperately about the opinion of their peer group (I suspect it is an unavoidable developmental stage) but as you age this lessens.
@@Gwynarra2Probably because you come into your own and see yourself as confident, competent, so there’s no need to compare yourself with others when you are happy with how you’ve built yourself up.
I have learned this too from similar situations in my family and other people I have worked with or knew through mutual friends. I think personality disorders are more common than we realize.
I've been doing this method unknowingly in high-school when I was bullied consistently and on a daily basis. Sadly it only worked slightly, the method sometimes provoked the abuser to react even more. One of the abusers sounded like a narcissist and that method only infuriated him and made him abuse me further. When he finally left the school everything changed for the better overnight, the air was different everyone was happy. I should have left first as the school was useless and a sinking ship but I didn't have the courage to at the time. Best thing to do is get away ASAP no matter what and be in a safer environment without such creatures, makes all the difference.
Turns out I've been doing this my whole life without knowing the name for it! But I must admit, afterwards I feel like I was being 'weak'. I'll stop thinking that now. XOXO
Same here. And it's not indicative of weakness at all: ik takes great strength to consistently deny these people their reaction. Especially when they double down.
@Ann Fitzgerald I honestly don't even know how I do it. It's just a natural reaction to people who tire me out. I'm barely conscious of it most times. But clearly my spirit instinctively knows to take care of itself. ❤💋
These videos are interesting to watch from a toxic perspective, and actually have helped me realize my actions as toxic. I thank you for helping me understand my nature, it has allowed me to work on changing my ways and become more wholesome as a person.
Everyone starts off as toxic, you're going through natural growth as a person. Granted, some people take longer than others, or even never really grow- you're on the right path.
I'm in the same boat. I used to love being a controversial contrarian with people just to see their reactions. On the flipside, because I know how that mind works, when someone tries it with me it has zero effect. In fact, if I find it funny I'll amplify it. I had quite a few "I didn't expect this reaction" from perpetrators. I've toned it way down these days. You can't have meaningful connections with people you troll.
Some people fall in love with the intellect and use it as a weapon. Intellect without heart is toxic and destructive. Yet it seems to be the way of the world. Intellect is worshipped.
I've been using this on my father for years now and I just didn't really realize I was doing it. I learned when I was little that he stopped yelling sooner if I acted like I didn't care. Now I've gotten so used to not giving him emotion, that I can't. Even when times are okay, I'm a grey rock around him. Once I'm more independent from him I think I'll be fine with this, but it does get hard having to pretend that I'm happy around him when anytime I'm near him I only feel shut down. So the moral is, try not to ingrain this in yourself. Use this as a conscience strategy when necessary. Identify toxic behavior, but don't try to identify "toxic people." We all can have toxic moments, some more than others.
@@douglaskoleen5586 I am using this with my own parents from 6 months.but the sad thing is i dont even understand in my previous years that they are pshycopaths
I just recently have realised how effective this method is. After years of getting triggered by toxic behaviour, I finally found the 'cure'. I think, we all have to grow into it by experience. But it's lovely to have some help alongway. Thanks Einzelgänger. I've made huge progress by watching your videos.
I find the ideal state of mind for this is when you can't be bothered to spend any energy on caring about anything the toxic person says. 'Too lazy to care'.
I wish I’d known this a few years ago. I was stalked & harassed by a mentally unstable person. I tried everything; reasoning, empathy, lawsuits. one day, everything changed when I just disengaged. after a few months of them failing to make contact or conflict, they left me alone.
Mute button 🔇, block their profiles and phone numbers. Avoid them but also let others know hey this person is stalking me.. My mom heard about my stalker so much she reported them to their boss. Talking to others can help 🤷🏻♀️
@@chloewebb94 It's actually better if you read and see their PMs and messages and don't respond at all. See them but don't read them and don't say anything. This strategy would hurt them I think.
Do not read messages of people that are trying to trigger your traumas and insecurities via manipulation and deceit so as to get a response and therefore power over you. Your point of control and defensive power is in not reading.
One of the primary tenets of buddhist practices is to ot accept the negativity which comes at you by developing calmness, restraint and self regulation. This has been known for centuries
Working as a bartender I used this method whenever people got threatening or angry with me. Usually that was enough to get them to leave, other times I had to be more hands on, but my demeanor was always the same. It made me feel invincible too, seeing the doubt in their eyes when they realized they couldn't get me worked up or manipulate me. It's very effective. Didn't know it had a name until now though.
I learned the gray rock method when I was a kid to use in dealing with my step-dad. I find now that I use it as my primary technique whenever dealing with any human. I'm starting to see how it can come off as rather rude. Never divulging into details. Always just accepting. If someone has an issue I try to keep all my responses neutral. Accepting the situation and moving beyond the problem they are having as if it's already solved. Most people accept it but occasionally I can feel a tension from it. I feel like it's not that they wanted a fight or anything, but that by my being passive and not feeding into that topic of discussion, they see me as closed off and they don't get to share the information they intended too. In prolonged interactions I tend to see a bit of aggression in their voice due to me treating things that they see as an issue as no big deal. Of course I do care what they say, but I can't handle aggression at all so I never take the risk.
Matt, pick your fights. The people that loves you and the people you love need you to be aggressive. You can start by doing small things to get out of your borders. Sometimes, being a gray rock works. But in general is definitely better to be a kind clear minded person no one wants to discuss with. Aggression is a positive value and a tool, if you know how to use it. I think that you're in a privileged position to develop nice aggression skills. Learn how to offend others with touch. Handle that pressure and fuel your ideas with it. You never know when you will have to fight for what you love. I assure you that developing those skills will make you a happier person. Just remember what Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker before his demise ;)
@@javiermaceira4406 thank you for your advice. I feel like it will be very helpful. However, while kindness is easy I feel like being clear minded will be the tough part haha.
I grew up with a NPD mom so I know what you mean about never sharing personal details or being non reactive to people in general. I’ve had people, work folks for example, tell me their whole life stories and all their drama and then months in realize they know little to nothing about me or my personal life. And yup, I also don’t like loud conflicts or argumentative voices around me.
@@javiermaceira4406 I agree. Sometimes it's important to define boundaries that narcissists or psychopaths are always pushing. You can't grey rock a psychopath all the time. They KNOW it works which is why they are persistent. They will keep pushing boundaries further if we never speak up.
I really needed this. Thank you so much sir. I've been a victim to these 'toxic' people so many times and it affected my mental health so much. Next time, I'll try using this method and beat them in their own game. Thank you sir. Keep up your good work..
It also helps to keep a daily journal of all the incidents and the feelings provoked by them. This releases all the negative emotions and allows you to become a pro at gray rocking.
That sounds like excellent advice. Basically practicing emotional literacy, acknowledging and dealing with the feelings (at a safer time when away from the person who caused them). Allowing grey rocking to turn you permanently numb and closed-off will not be very healthy if you are forced to do it long-term.
I can say with confidence you are the first person to present Gray Rock in an artistic manner with imagery, moving imagery, in environments which are (1) larger than & superior to any individual's chaos field, (2) inherently beautiful & worthy of presence immersion, and (3) like good grandparents, illustrate for us homeostasis/harmony/persistence through the four seasons, including the hailstorms & blizzards which precede Spring flowers & harvests. Thank you.
I love, love, love this awesome explanation! Thank you so very much for sharing this! After having been a victim of a narcissist many years ago, I am now able to share this video with people in need of help. THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart!
Vajra Man, Jack Pot! I've been doing this, subconsciously, ALL of my life. Now that I know what it's called, 'Polite Ice' I'll OWN it even more and use this Super Power for good. Thank yyyyyoooouuuu!
My grandmother taught me this when I was bullied at school. She told me to be 'coolly polite' to these people and to just maintain neutral eye contact without speaking if they said something demeaning to me. I'm in my 40's now and that little skill is one I have used many times since.
I've been doing this subconsciously growing up as a kid dealing with bullies and manipulative people. Now as someone turning 30, my personality has somewhat literally become a gray rock that it literally bores people off lol
I walked away from a job with good salary, benefits and good work life balance. I went no contact with everyone I worked with and I have never felt better. The way I look at it I can last longer in a job with less to offer but good people to work with than a job with lots of perks but shitty people to deal with. I can't compromise on my values. Getting along with co workers is more important than the check I receive for having to tax my mental health at a miserable job. And thanks for the videos by the way, this content really anchors me in my healing. Keep up the great work
Ik denk dat dit het beste advies is ook voor deze tijd. Waar psychopathie, uitdagen, provoking, etc. Wordt aangemoedigd door de media en beloond door de maatschappij. Thx voor de reminder!
This is something I’m really trying my best to adapt in my life, but it seems so impossible sometimes. I have a short fuse; sometimes I feel like I come off as the toxic person because of how I sometimes behave but I’m not trying to get a reaction out of anybody nor do I want to hurt anybody, I just have trouble controlling my feelings of anger and resentment. And I know I’m not trying to be toxic bc I feel guilty afterwards. Ive dealt with toxic family members and narcissist friends, one of whom I ended up liking. I eventually realized they didn’t like me back, but I value friendship a lot so I thought I’d stay friends with them. But they would only come up to me when they wanted something and ignore me if it wasn’t something concerning them. They also made shady comments all the time, and claimed they were just “joking” even if they weren’t. And anytime I brought up something about my future goals they would always shoot it down or make it seem unimportant. I saw the way they treated their other friends and slowly their mask was coming off. One time their best friend, who was going through some relationship confusion and worries came out as bi, and my former friend called her “disgusting” and continue to ignore everything she was saying, not even trying to help her out but simply mocking her heartbreak and concerns. I was utterly shocked that they were “best friends.” Then one time the toxic friend talked about their new partner. I was happy for them and asked if they went to the same school as us and just some basic questions. They responded why I wanted to know, as if I’d asked something weird. And I was so confused why they were acting all suspicious when all I wanted to know was if they went to the same school so maybe I’d have a chance to meet the two of them together or be introduced to them. They then responded “You’re just jealous aren’t you?” with this sly smile. I didn’t know that this whole time, he knew I liked him bc I had never told him (which I found out he liked me later on). He not only led me on at the beginning when I did like him, but even after he was simply just a shitty friend who got under your skin in ways that made it hard to call him out. And it was so clear, he thought he was better than everybody else. Worst part is, after ditching his ass, I have been struggling to get over my feelings of resentment for him. It just takes over my soul and I feel stuck and it feels like torcher. It’s even worse that bc of the pandemic I tried to reach out to them bc I was genuinely concerned if they were okay. They didn’t respond, as usual, and they knew what they were doing. They knew. I should have learned, once you cut a narcissist out of your life, it shouldn’t make a difference whether they’re alive or dead because they feel the same about you. And they will always, always find a way to play the victim and never take any blame. They will try to act like “the good guy”, and if you hear someone saying “You know, I’m an honest person” or “you know how much I value kindness” repeatedly over and over, take them with a grain of salt. They will even have moments where they say or do something that seems rlly nice just to recapture your heart. But they might be playing you like a politician, getting you to believe they have good values that most ppl appreciate just to get you to do anything and everything for them when they want it. I felt myself obsessing over hating him, talking shit about him constantly, and it’s eating at my soul. But if I don’t let these feelings go soon, it’s gonna eat me alive. So I must.
I think what you're feeling is normal. I recently went full no contact with a narc and I sometimes feel consumed by resentment as well. A therapist explained it to me like this once, "Dealing with someone like this is like playing catch with a dog. Every time you throw that ball, they WILL bring it right back. In fact, they want you to! They'll keep bringing back that ball no matter how dirty or disgusting it's become, and they'll look to you every single time." The only way to win is to cut your losses. I know this is the hardest part, but once you cross that line then the healing begins, and you'll regain your sanity and your sense of self one day at a time. There will never be closure with these kinds of people, but once they are gone from both your heart and mind you will be truly glad. Good luck
@@Dante3214 well said. I've cut my ties with my family. I still have to conclude a few toxic people. I found that with help (therapy and reading and podcasts and etc.) it becomes easier and easier.
*Thank you for making this video!* This will come in handy for majority of our lives There will always be toxic people, nothing we can do about that but what we can do is how we react to those kinds of people
Absolutely true and very powerful. Thank you, this video comes at a particularly difficult time. I am dealing with a co-parent who constantly belittles me and badgers me with hate about who she wants me to believe I am, in an effort to "rile me up" and lose my cool. Her efforts are going nowhere and her defeat will come by her own hands. Again, a powerful video, keep it up.
I think it's important to emphasize that this is a technique for dealing with people with personality disorders that do not allow them to feel empathy, regret, etc. If you start using this technique as a way to cope with relational discomfort with all the (relatively) mentally healthy people in your life, you are only going to end up hurting and isolating yourself.
I appreciate that your content is geared towards self improvement. I've watched about a dozen of your videos now and can say that it has helped me a lot in having more self discipline and appreciation. Thank you!
The very best advice I learned has always been "don't put yourself in the situation." This will ONLY come when you get older and have more life experience. When you "sense" someone terrible or negative - IMMEDIATELY do everything you can to transfer/change schedule/study harder to get out/make an excuse to do other work - ANYTHING TO GET OUT of that negative environment.
I just used this method for a new boss we just got at work. She has mistreated all of my coworkers for simple things like asking to go to the restroom. Yesterday, she came over to me and a coworker because I dared to say hi to them. She yelled and called me things, so I just grey-rocked her until she gave up. I calmly reported the incident, talked to upper management and wrote to HR. If I have any retaliation against me, I have proof and witnesses. Plus i don't soly rely on that job anyways. Thanks for this vid, it helped me a lot to understand this better and just remember to not give narcissisists your time and energy. 😊
I've done this since I was a child. Unfortunately, I'm currently doing it now with a neighbor. 😔 I didn't know it actually has a name. I wish you and your family peace and comfort. I'm so sorry for your losses. Take care.
It works. In an organisation that I loved a woman tried to assassinate my character, bully, isolate me and drive me out of a sport I love. I totally ignored her and her set of trolls as though they didn't exist. It drove them mad until the instigator broke down emotionally in front of me. I walked away without acknowledging her. I felt a great sense of peace that I was in control of myself instead of buying into her manipulation. The other thing that happened was that people stopped asking me to do work for them in my field of employment for no payment 'because we were friends'. I think I 'got' respect lol.
Some problems with this. 1) when you have to deal with someone, just shutting off all emotions or reactions toward a person is quite destructive, almost seems like aggressive behaviour. You're basically saying 'you're dead to me'. You can cancel this out though by reacting normally or positive on good behaviour. 2) Sometimes the 'reward' or reïnforcement doesn't have to come from you. When in a group and someone is picking on you, you can act like a grey rock all you want, but when others are laughing, the bully still gets his reward. Acting like a grey rock may even reinforce bully behaviour this way because you become this really easy target.
In that case: you will have to remove yourself from that group. If people are encouraging narcs behaviour then I am doubtful these are people you should stick around with. 🙂
I learned how to do this as a child, raised by psychopathic narcissists... I just shut off any display of emotion because I noticed that showing any amplified their rage, antagonisms, deviant objectives. I realised I was being played as a pawn, incapable of changing anything except what I showed as a response, so I "went into neutral," a tactic now labelled as "gray rock." Outwardly, I was indifferent, but I kept my focus toward my objectives, albeit silently. I left at 15 & never went back. That was 49 years ago. Now, I still carry that attitude. Exhaustive research illuminated the reality that I had adopted a stoic mindset at 5 years old, that became the bedrock of how I now handle everyone/everything. Deep analysis further highlighted that I appear to be a hard-core introvert who avoids people, work very productively on my own & could care less about being accepted or the "crowd mentality." I contend that a deep insecurity is the basis for the cultivated addiction to approval that sets the stage for targeted abuse. Snapping that addiction cycle is the key... Not caring what anyone thinks, says, or does is a freedom like no other... But it is hard-won & requires the focused fortitude to stand your ground quietly, even when everything around you is exploding. I respected myself enough at 5 years old, to change my processing coordinates & realign my thoughts to fortify that respectful stance... I am *GRANITE* ....never mind GRAY Rock...💜
Thank you for the video, and all other content you have done and uploaded. It helped me find out more about all these philosophies you cover. Which in turn, has helped me a good deal these last 3 years. Once again, thank you!
I’m always thinking of adding your videos to my „favorite“ playlist. But actually i simply could add every single one. So let’s just say this channel is a collection of videos i Love. Thank you a lot💜
@@cipher4968 Do Not just believe any guy on the Internet. Shriya Sharma is trying to fool you. Gandhi really said that. To me. Personally. We were buddies.
I've been doing this with my narcissistic mother in law and didn't even realize this is a thing. This honestly WORKS!! She leaves me alone, she no longer bothers me or poke at me to get a reaction. I just found this video and realized I've gone gray rock. 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾
I love that story. It teaches us all about forgiveness. Something interesting to think about in this call out and cancel culture we live in. People grow and mature and change their views. Those actions aren’t in the same categories as some horrid actions so atrocious it’s difficult to wrap our heads around like murder, rape, abuse, etc. However, for the grey area stuff, it’s worth your own mental health to be practicing forgiveness.
@aura Harrison i think its more cos theyre good at getting people to forgive them so they never change since most of the time they dont really suffer the consequences of their actions
@Einzelganger: I choose your videos rather than ones by others(on similar subjects), because your voice is easy to listen to and you speak at a good pace ..... not too fast! Thank you.
Very well done video as always! I hope you're recovering well :D On an unrelated note to the video, I just wanted to thank you for doing all of this. I don't really remember how I found your channel, but I found it at a time where I really felt hopeless for myself. I had so many questions about life in general for which I didn't have satisfying answers to, until I found your channel. While i'm not 100% recovered yet, I now have trust that if I keep at it, it will all work out somehow. All I have to do is believe in something. Thank you again Einzelgänger , and I hope that you will keep believeing too! Keep up the great content
This!!!!! I have been looking for years for what resonates with my soul, this is divine timing...will add this to my morning routine until it sticks! Thank you.
Its impossible to ignore anything that somebody say you in an offensive way if you react like that they are going to laugh at you because you dont know how to answer, and when you go away from them you will get angry on yourself and will continue thinking on the offense, and if someone tells you the opposite they are lying.
I don't know what to say, really. I really appreciate that you have uploaded a video which covers a substantial matter of today's society. It's hard to live through it. Especially, when you are about to face someone who's so engrossed with biases, rumours or dogma or some superstitious thought about something too impossible to even imagine. There will always be a strong contradiction of morality, when you are facing those kinds of problem. Thank You Sir, I really needed that. Peace, *Sigh*
Insightful advice, although I wouldn't call myself boring, I call myself "wise" to not engage with an agitated, negative person. Be aware of how they respond to your responses that will quickly reveal to you what their intentions truly are. Respect yourself enough to abide in your inner place of peace, knowing that is your only intention. Take care of yourself and don't entertain their silly egoic games anymore. Be aware and wise💝😊. Best wishes.
Thank you, I really needed this advice, I really get angry and stressed by an ex girlfriend that keeps pushing my buttons and searching me just to tell me awful things about me, I have catched her bait so many times, but now I think I just have to be a gray rock, thank you
Just block her, dude. It might hurt for a couple days, but you need to forget about her in order to heal, move on, grow, learn the lesson of why she's an ex, etc. I'm at that stage rn, believe me, block her and move on. You're listening to a person that keeps beating you down, so cut them out. You shouldn't be wasting time on people that aren't making you happy.
@@avoatlaw Thanks man, I appreciate that. She really did a number on my self-esteem. I have blocked and unblocked her # countless times. I am moving on now and it feels great. Best of luck to you and thanks for the advice. Peace.
Unless you have a legitimate reason for contact-you share a child/ren or property/assets or work together-there’s no reason to accept toxic communication from an ex.
I had to go to my father's house after the passing of one of my relatives. The narc tried to hug me and I took a step back, setting boundaries with my body language. I also didn't say much and whenever the narc talked to me, I just said things like, "oh, yeah", "right", etc being neutral, I didn't have any emotions on my face. They didn't once pressure me or even talk to me the whole time! Just sipped their wine looking exhausted! I'll continue to do this every time I see them because it's working!
This works. But you have to consistently keep it up for a long period of time. They know what buttons to push. It takes major self-discipline. and you will find that you don't get sucked into a lot of drama after that in other venues because creating drama has become a commodity in life. You will learn eventually which battles to fight.
As soon as you give them a reaction/ a negative one you have lowered yourself to there low level Just don't react at all ghost them...look through them like they don't exist 👻👻👻
I don't believe in the construct of THE "toxic person" vs the "good person". Toxicity is a spectrum and we are all somewhere on that spectrum. This means we all need to work on ourselves. But we shouldn't lose sight of the good in us.
I think saying "thank you" after every insult is a better method than staying silent because if they're not completely insane my method after some time would finally touch their conscience and they themselves would fall into their own trap, because now they would be the one's reacting emotionally.
Acting like this would just be too strange, and a signal that you are just putting up an act to hide the fact that you are hurt. Very counter-productive in this Situation.
@@H4nn4hLuv also could come off as an absolute ego stroke to the boss. Like "he's gonna thank me even if I spit on him". These people got no conscience. Thankyous would only make them worse.
I wasn't reacting to someone for so long but they kept on getting aggravated for asinine reasons and I finally lost my cool and blew up and now I am worse for it. These videos help me curb my anger a bit, but I feel it will take a while to recover from the fallout of my outburst as new memories come and bad fad away. At least I have learned and hopefully have the mentality to avoid angry outbursts from future occurrences of others rage.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
Mark Twain
Never argue period. It does not lead to anything but resentment.
Off topic
@@ciocoflender007 eh not exactly
Psychopaths like to bait you when you are calm
that is the truth
Please dear friends, remember, what they call you and how they treat you is really how they feel about themselves deep inside. Never ever let anyone make you doubt your own sanity
Right lol
Well Said -wise words
Well lets be honest, a lot of women are emotionally out of control, and could be seen as crazy.
To be accurate, sociopaths and psychopaths HAVE no feelings...this is why such people have those labels.
Run of the mill narcissists are not necessarily sociopaths or psychopaths, in which case their innermost feelings MAY not be dead. I just wanted to clarify the real world for the 380 likes that need to know that, indeed, not is all as rosy as you may like to believe.
WORDZ 😎
Ultimate trio:
1. Walking away
2. Grey rock
3. No contact for life
Appreciatte yourself, your self-respect, integrity and lifetime. Don't let toxic people to steal your time of the life, you will never get it back, it is time, energy and nerves lost.
Thank you and have a good and successful life.
I love this mantra...I try to live like this....sometimes household can be toxic so I try to engage less and appreciate myself
Thanks 😊
Sums it up nicely. Have had to apply all three, sadly. You hit the nail on the head with self respect and integrity. You can't let people walk over you.
Attlanttizz and yet you do. So what happens when "you can't" and yet "they do"? How do you react? The reason I say this is that people like to say all sorts of things which sound philosophical and positive and yet the reality is that life isn't like that. What's important is not what people should or shouldn't do, nor what you "can't" or "can" do certain things. But rather, how you react when you think these thoughts: that people "shouldn't": because the minute they do, which you can guarantee on this planet they will, then what happens?
@@stmichl9433 Action ... reaction.
"Our reaction is their prize", Nice one!
“ If your life's work can be accomplished in your lifetime, you're not thinking big enough. ”
When the narcissist engages you in conversation, talk about the weather and when they try to change the topic, steer them back. When you do this three times in a row then you will become the boring weather person and they will avoid you.
“Throughout the first years of our lives we were forced not just to internalize a few aspects of capital, but to build up a structure of internalizations. As our capacity for coherent natural self-regulation was systematically broken down, a new system of self regulation took its place, a coherent system, incorporating all the aspects of self-repression. We participated in capital’s ongoing project of colonization by colonizing ourselves, by continually working at the construction of a unitary character-structure (character armor), a unitary defense against all drives, feelings, and desires which we learned were dangerous to express. In the place of our original transparent relations to our world, we created a structure of barriers to our selfexpression which hides us from ourselves and others.”Jay Amrod and Lev Chernyi, “Beyond Character and Morality: Towards Transparent Communications and Coherent Organization.” Howard J. Ehrlich ed. Reinventing Anarchy, Again (San Francisco, California: AK Press, 1996), 321
😏
My luck: they will argue with me about the weather with much delight 🤦🏻♂️ 😂😂
One of my usual tactics: engage with the most minimum of conversation and CRUSH them by being conventional /boring as far as possible...
@@Frank.Melendrez they will exhaust your energy/positivity if you argue with them.. let them play by themselves and as the word goes: the best revange is MASSIVE SUCCESS
Some people wear their toxicity like a badge of honor...Smh. Love this message. Welcome back. I hope your heart continues to heal. ❤️
So true.. A guy I dated acted like an empath but once told me with such passion how his dad killed himself because of his ignorance.. I mean I don't talk to my parents for 10 years now too but wow that was cruel, he felt so special..
In the black community in the U.S. are a prime example. Atlanta isn't the same anymore because of this. Atlanta is more like Albany, GA. now. Backwoodsy and all parts in between. This is facts not an opinion.
@stevenstrumpf7half truth, income is not really a cause for that but can be. Check out my comment.
InSanctvs I definitely see what you mean. Gratefully, we have amazing people making videos like this to share awareness and we have a place in here for discussion and support since the way of the world doesn’t work for everyone. Being a part of this world doesn’t mean we don’t need something different to thrive and grow. It’s a practice...keep it going!
Yes they do. Sad. Thanks for saying this here. 👍👍👍👍👍❤❤💛💛
So basically a real life version of "Don't feed the troll"?
The second part of this post is unnecessary. You’re welcome.
@@Dinosaurs_with_laser_guns thanks. Shortened it
Exactly. Internally, don't get hooked in. Externally, look mildly interested but totally uninvolved, because...it isn't about you. It's all about them. You're just the audience to their chronic tantrum state. Don't feel bad, they'll try and get you back into the spotlight. Just to eviscerate you again. It's a state of being like conscious meditation. Be present. Be detached. Be observant (safety first at all times), be calmly remote. Never say two words if one will do. Never explain. Never complain. Never ever apologize. Reason won't work. Let the attachment go.
@@Kayenne54 well said 👌
@@Kayenne54 A really well thought out comment.
Thank you for making it so concise and easy to understand 🙏
Good video, I have a coworker who always makes fun of me every time he sees me. His face lights up with joy and pleasure as soon as he sees me. But it's not for any good reason. So insulting. After 12 years I'm sick of it. He cornered me with his mate and they were both making jokes and laughing at me at my expense. The last encounter I just gave up responding, just sat there in silence. I realized there was nothing I could do or say to change his behavior. So I did nothing and waited for him. Finally after his jokes he just looked at me , waiting for me to "play my role" or respond how he expected. But I never delivered my lines, so to speak. He gave up, walked away. I think it actually freaked him out a bit. Because I acted in a totally unexpected way. Now this video underlies the value of this kind of "no response". Great job!
Moment Forever I hope you’re doing better than before !
Great, I m pleased for you, wish I could be strong enough,to do the same .
great job!! dont play your role! dont engage in the play, follow your own path
Firstly, a person throwing insults doesn't get to choose how the receiver reacts to their insults. For example, some narcissists will hurl insults then feign offence or say you're overreacting when you respond. If you do something to piss someone off, don't be surprised when - guess what - they get pissed-off.
Secondly, I had a colleague at work a few years ago who went at it like you have described your experience above, often in front of people to the point of embarrassing other people in the room. I never directly rose to it, but he could tell he was humiliating me.
Difference between our stories though, is after a works night out, as we left a bar I dropped him on the pavement and told him why and to stay down. I told him if he has more to give, then so do I.
Sorted it (though I recognise he could have called the police - but I guess he knew he was wrong and took it like a man). Never hassled me again.
My issue as well. My therapist made me realize that my vulnerability to overt narcissists comes from the abuse of my narcissistic father. Once I applied gray rock (basically telling the narc coworker to fuck off) I was amazed to see the narc. crumbling down to pieces in a very insecure little boy.
As a person being like an emotional sponge, I found myself attracting those types of people all the time. This is good insight for people like me with so much empathy for others.
Senorita te gustaria para empezar
Because they know..they can dump their toxicity to a person like you.. without ACTUALLY correcting themselves to begin with.without and or little resistance
correct me if I'm wrong, but you might be mistaking empathy with neurotic people's pleasing. those are two very different things. we feel empathy when someone is hurting, happy, sad, angry. however, when people just want to suck the energy out of others, make them miserable and put them down, you are not reacting to them out of empathy. you are reacting out of the tendency to please everyone around you.
I know nothing of the way you grew up, however I would look into that and search for similar patters that formed you the way you are. maybe you had to please a close family member, had to listen to them no matter what or otherwise you'd feel like you dissapointed them. Or maybe you learned that from observing how you close relatives communicate, maybe they too are pleasing everyone around them without even acknowledging that.
Correct me if I'm wrong! Have a nice day!
There is a downside tho. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself instead of just letting it pass. Some people take further advantage when we don't react.
When you go straight from a grey rock to an assertive force of nature the look on their face and the stammering from being taken aback is priceless.
That's what I did. Got to the gym to become stronger and handle fighting back. And I did fight back really hard. Get yourself strongest as possible cause life never get easier. The battles always keep coming.
Yeah, I think this method needs to be a calculated choice. You shouldn't employ it as a default. Some people are looking for a reaction, when you have this sussed out, this method might be effective. But some people will sense apathy as an invitation to go further.
@@thiagomoretioficial Respect my man. I'm gonna dedicate this next workout to you 🙏
Yeah, I would probably say that the Grey Rock method isn’t the ONLY answer but rather one option that you can try.
When you ignore a negative person, you strip away their power by showing displaying how unaffected you are.
Nothing can be more painful than being disregarded out of existence.
@Phil Odd Projecting?
@Phil Odd I was only planning on posting it the two times I replied to you and once to another person who is just like you. Again, are you projecting?
@@ske2010 leave the troll alone mate, he doesn't deserve your attention :)
@@Bandoolero You're right, but sometimes I enjoy seeing what all they have to say.
@Careful Icarus Everyone's affected in some way by everything they experience. You're not providing a very useful observation. I'll answer my own question. Yes, you are projecting.
How to deal with toxic people:
Toxic person : * Something designed to provoke an emotional reaction *
Person who watched this video: 🗿
Isabelle Ronin You’re the type too look for an emotional reaction in people, considering you having taken the time to respond with that. Why...?
Isabelle Ronin Pointing the truth out is necessary according to Peterson. That’s what I’m trying to do.
@Isabelle Ronin it was a good meme
@Isabelle Ronin The OP never claimed to be a "rock". You just assumed it. And NO I'm not a " rock".
The only thing Op did was the generic, slightly cringey TH-cam comment you see everywhere.
@Isabelle Ronin 🗿... (LoL, that was a joke)
It's a great test. If they repeatedly find your serenity irritating and they react negatively, then it is most likely you are dealing with a narc. What this means is it's so easy to win with these people just by not playing, impossible to win if you play.
Their greatest fear is having to accept their behaviour is socially unacceptable.
lol no their greatest fear is surrendering to the realization that they're worthless. That's literally what causes narcissism in the first place: the grinding friction between lethal doses of shame and crude mechanisms of denial that come and go and need 24 hr maintenance - sleep
Well said.
Important note before I explain a few issues: If you’re being bullied in school and reading this, this is NOT an OK method for you! You shouldn’t have to spend all your energy to cover yourself up while your personality is still developing! YOUR SCHOOL HAS TO TAKE ACTION. This is THEIR job, NOT YOURS!
I rarely comment on a video but since I feel 2 extremely important aspects have been left out, I feel a great urge to add something and I’ll keep it brief:
1) this is a 50/50 method. If they’re just an average narcissist, they’ll probably leave you alone, yes. But if they get frustrated enough, they may resort to physical behavior. That’s where the “play dead like an animal and you’ll be left alone” analogy ends. If they feel like you’re actually sensitive and are just putting on a facade around them to get them to stop being toxic, they might start damaging your property, depending on where you encounter an actual psychopath - e.g. if it’s your neighbor you might find your front door has trash on it the next day, if it’s at work, the next morning your workplace might have misplaced items or unplugged cables. They’ll find ways to make sure you know it was probably them without you having any physical evidence, and put you in a position of powerlessness. The major flaw with this method is they’ll likely see you interact with others and realize deep down you care a lot. So it’s just a matter of time until you break - and then you’d be basically conditioning them intermittently instead of fighting them to associate you with boring reactions - which means it’ll INCREASE their behavior (because the rewards are further in between now). Not to mention how they might go after your loved ones or things you do care about and can’t just pretend to be indifferent about.
2) VERY IMPORTANT: this is a TEMPORARY solution. It’s a band-aid. Use this if you have to deal with this kind of person once a week, maybe every now and then. If you work full time and this is a coworker being toxic, this method can be disastrous for your mental health, because you basically have to hold your breath whenever there’s “toxicity” (your breath being your genuine self and emotions being held back) and for quick encounters this is great. But with time this wears you out and can actually plummet you right into depression or worse.
I THINK it would be better to address in this video for what specific kind of scenarios this method is useful, because while it sounds nice and dandy in theory, the real world is very complex and very often complex approaches are necessary.
My suggestion would be gathering physical evidence depending on the scenario to get legal action involved in case there is enough evidence to do so. Unless you’re a narcissist or mildly antisocial yourself, read: if you are a generally emotional, sensitive and caring person, then these people will hurt you, and getting as many people on your side as possible will not only act as a buffer and make you feel stronger but also possibly give the toxic person the feeling of rejection, hopefully making them rethink their behavior.
Very well thought through🤔
Gracias
A bully shows aggresive intent, so by default they have authorised you to put them down permenantley using extreme prejudice.
Nice comment, i come from a difficult situation, my mother and most of my growing environment was very toxic, so by the time my personality was developed i was very fucked up. I tried lots of things to see if maybe they could stop their attitude, one of them was getting in my "bubble" wich basically is the same idea as this video, but as you said, it is a terrible idea. I tried to KMS one time when I was around 16 and I just felt so miserable but i remained silent so nobody knew what was going on... The worst part is they didn't even know that they were harming me so much because I was silent, so they kept doing anything they wanted for years...
In the end I luckily got away from all of them as soon as I could and never spoke to any of them again, but the damage was done very deeply... If only I would've talk sooner to a councelor or someone...
But what's interesting is that every time i find another toxic person I act the same way I did back then and that terrifies me, so basically I isolate myself from social interactions until i can fix that somehow.
this is better
It takes two to play their game, so simply put “don’t play”
The gray rock technique saved my mind, body and soul from a Very very VERY toxic X wife.
But how can you grey rock if you have cptsd from their abuse??
I'm beginning to realise how important it is to surround yourself with the right people, both in real life and online. Without the advice and encouragement of TH-camrs, I would never have started my meditation music TH-cam channel. Try to spend more time around people who build you up and less around people who pull you down.
hi are you doing music by yourself? just curiosity.
Indeed! I'm glad you have positive people around you! They are a blessing, as is the awereness of them
@@petervlcko4858 Hi, yes I'm doing the music myself.
Congratulations, I saw a comment of yours on a previous video and I subscribed as well. Keep it up! You’re adding onto greatness, you should check out Akira the Don if you haven’t yet.
@@Flawed_Creations thanks Jonathan. I haven't heard of Akira the Don. I'll take a look.
No contact, and grey-rocking are good tools at a person's disposal.
Personally, I have found that with age, these tools become far easier to deploy and use naturally without fuss.
There are benefits of youth, but the benefits of experience are many and varied!
Keep rockin'.
Getting older taught me to stop deploying them so often. It's ok to love, life is very short.
@@Silverfirefly1 Of course it's good to love.
But it's better to keep sanity, self-respect IF your love is causing you pain.
As you get older you careless and less about the opinions of others. Teenagers care desperately about the opinion of their peer group (I suspect it is an unavoidable developmental stage) but as you age this lessens.
@@Gwynarra2Probably because you come into your own and see yourself as confident, competent, so there’s no need to compare yourself with others when you are happy with how you’ve built yourself up.
It's like pretending you're dead when attacked.
Several creatures in nature can attest that it works.
Thanks for this video!
Survivor paradox: those who ended dead by playing dead are not around to tell this method failed them
This is great
I naturally learned this method from having chronically abusive parents.
May you heal and prosper.
Same DEADSOON I'm 14, my mother is a malignant narcissist.
I have learned this too from similar situations in my family and other people I have worked with or knew through mutual friends. I think personality disorders are more common than we realize.
@@infjelphabasupporter8416 stay calm 😐
Mood
I've been doing this method unknowingly in high-school when I was bullied consistently and on a daily basis. Sadly it only worked slightly, the method sometimes provoked the abuser to react even more. One of the abusers sounded like a narcissist and that method only infuriated him and made him abuse me further.
When he finally left the school everything changed for the better overnight, the air was different everyone was happy. I should have left first as the school was useless and a sinking ship but I didn't have the courage to at the time. Best thing to do is get away ASAP no matter what and be in a safer environment without such creatures, makes all the difference.
Bless you
Turns out I've been doing this my whole life without knowing the name for it! But I must admit, afterwards I feel like I was being 'weak'. I'll stop thinking that now. XOXO
Same here. And it's not indicative of weakness at all: ik takes great strength to consistently deny these people their reaction. Especially when they double down.
@Ann Fitzgerald
I honestly don't even know how I do it. It's just a natural reaction to people who tire me out. I'm barely conscious of it most times. But clearly my spirit instinctively knows to take care of itself. ❤💋
@Skooma Cat How true... 😄
T M exact same feeling!!!!
@CK Boulevard Thanks CK. Actually I see things differently since this video. Weakness would be letting myself get sucked into THEIR blackhole. 😘
These videos are interesting to watch from a toxic perspective, and actually have helped me realize my actions as toxic. I thank you for helping me understand my nature, it has allowed me to work on changing my ways and become more wholesome as a person.
Proud of you! It's not easy and people will try to push you back into being toxic because they expect it from you. But you just have to be strong
Everyone starts off as toxic, you're going through natural growth as a person. Granted, some people take longer than others, or even never really grow- you're on the right path.
Your honesty is heroic
I'm in the same boat. I used to love being a controversial contrarian with people just to see their reactions.
On the flipside, because I know how that mind works, when someone tries it with me it has zero effect. In fact, if I find it funny I'll amplify it.
I had quite a few "I didn't expect this reaction" from perpetrators.
I've toned it way down these days. You can't have meaningful connections with people you troll.
Some people fall in love with the intellect and use it as a weapon. Intellect without heart is toxic and destructive. Yet it seems to be the way of the world. Intellect is worshipped.
I've been using this on my father for years now and I just didn't really realize I was doing it. I learned when I was little that he stopped yelling sooner if I acted like I didn't care. Now I've gotten so used to not giving him emotion, that I can't. Even when times are okay, I'm a grey rock around him. Once I'm more independent from him I think I'll be fine with this, but it does get hard having to pretend that I'm happy around him when anytime I'm near him I only feel shut down. So the moral is, try not to ingrain this in yourself. Use this as a conscience strategy when necessary. Identify toxic behavior, but don't try to identify "toxic people." We all can have toxic moments, some more than others.
Thank you for your advice
good advice Tye, and they dont change as you get older either. U always try to keep your fingers crossed, but it doesnt happen, sadly.
"Behave like a nonreactive boring object."
Say no more. I'm gonna continue doing that.
I'm a "natch" bro.....
@@douglaskoleen5586 I am using this with my own parents from 6 months.but the sad thing is i dont even understand in my previous years that they are pshycopaths
I just recently have realised how effective this method is. After years of getting triggered by toxic behaviour, I finally found the 'cure'. I think, we all have to grow into it by experience. But it's lovely to have some help alongway. Thanks Einzelgänger. I've made huge progress by watching your videos.
I find the ideal state of mind for this is when you can't be bothered to spend any energy on caring about anything the toxic person says. 'Too lazy to care'.
@Rococo Loco What they think or say is not important.
I wish I’d known this a few years ago.
I was stalked & harassed by a mentally unstable person. I tried everything; reasoning, empathy, lawsuits. one day, everything changed when I just disengaged. after a few months of them failing to make contact or conflict, they left me alone.
how did you disengage?
Mute button 🔇, block their profiles and phone numbers. Avoid them but also let others know hey this person is stalking me..
My mom heard about my stalker so much she reported them to their boss. Talking to others can help 🤷🏻♀️
Im glad for you
@@chloewebb94 It's actually better if you read and see their PMs and messages and don't respond at all. See them but don't read them and don't say anything. This strategy would hurt them I think.
Do not read messages of people that are trying to trigger your traumas and insecurities via manipulation and deceit so as to get a response and therefore power over you. Your point of control and defensive power is in not reading.
I actually did this without knowing. Depression kicked in, now I am finaly happy. Figured out life.
One of the primary tenets of buddhist practices is to ot accept the negativity which comes at you by developing calmness, restraint and self regulation. This has been known for centuries
Working as a bartender I used this method whenever people got threatening or angry with me. Usually that was enough to get them to leave, other times I had to be more hands on, but my demeanor was always the same. It made me feel invincible too, seeing the doubt in their eyes when they realized they couldn't get me worked up or manipulate me.
It's very effective. Didn't know it had a name until now though.
I learned the gray rock method when I was a kid to use in dealing with my step-dad. I find now that I use it as my primary technique whenever dealing with any human. I'm starting to see how it can come off as rather rude. Never divulging into details. Always just accepting. If someone has an issue I try to keep all my responses neutral. Accepting the situation and moving beyond the problem they are having as if it's already solved. Most people accept it but occasionally I can feel a tension from it. I feel like it's not that they wanted a fight or anything, but that by my being passive and not feeding into that topic of discussion, they see me as closed off and they don't get to share the information they intended too. In prolonged interactions I tend to see a bit of aggression in their voice due to me treating things that they see as an issue as no big deal. Of course I do care what they say, but I can't handle aggression at all so I never take the risk.
Matt, pick your fights. The people that loves you and the people you love need you to be aggressive. You can start by doing small things to get out of your borders. Sometimes, being a gray rock works. But in general is definitely better to be a kind clear minded person no one wants to discuss with. Aggression is a positive value and a tool, if you know how to use it.
I think that you're in a privileged position to develop nice aggression skills. Learn how to offend others with touch. Handle that pressure and fuel your ideas with it. You never know when you will have to fight for what you love. I assure you that developing those skills will make you a happier person.
Just remember what Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker before his demise ;)
@@javiermaceira4406 thank you for your advice. I feel like it will be very helpful. However, while kindness is easy I feel like being clear minded will be the tough part haha.
@Phil Odd Projecting?
I grew up with a NPD mom so I know what you mean about never sharing personal details or being non reactive to people in general. I’ve had people, work folks for example, tell me their whole life stories and all their drama and then months in realize they know little to nothing about me or my personal life. And yup, I also don’t like loud conflicts or argumentative voices around me.
@@javiermaceira4406 I agree. Sometimes it's important to define boundaries that narcissists or psychopaths are always pushing. You can't grey rock a psychopath all the time. They KNOW it works which is why they are persistent. They will keep pushing boundaries further if we never speak up.
I really needed this. Thank you so much sir. I've been a victim to these 'toxic' people so many times and it affected my mental health so much. Next time, I'll try using this method and beat them in their own game. Thank you sir. Keep up your good work..
Me : *Did gray rock method to almost everyone in my life*
Also me : *lonely and sad because i'm all alone no drama whatsoever in my life lol*
Now that they're out of the way, healthier people can come. Also embrace solitude until they come.
then youre the psycopath
@@JLchevz ouch
@@priscillajimenez27 I like this Priscilla
@@priscillajimenez27 yes sweety, i agree with you 🤗
Grey stone method makes you not only armed against the attacker but also imune against their arguments and insults. GREAT VIDEO
Grey rock rocks, walking away is a blessing and no contact is heaven :)
It also helps to keep a daily journal of all the incidents and the feelings provoked by them. This releases all the negative emotions and allows you to become a pro at gray rocking.
That sounds like excellent advice. Basically practicing emotional literacy, acknowledging and dealing with the feelings (at a safer time when away from the person who caused them). Allowing grey rocking to turn you permanently numb and closed-off will not be very healthy if you are forced to do it long-term.
Good advice. Will try that myself.
I kind of do this, I write down on paper thoughts prayers and what bothers me and then I burn it in the fire pit
I can say with confidence you are the first person to present Gray Rock in an artistic manner with imagery, moving imagery, in environments which are (1) larger than & superior to any individual's chaos field, (2) inherently beautiful & worthy of presence immersion, and (3) like good grandparents, illustrate for us homeostasis/harmony/persistence through the four seasons, including the hailstorms & blizzards which precede Spring flowers & harvests.
Thank you.
I love, love, love this awesome explanation! Thank you so very much for sharing this! After having been a victim of a narcissist many years ago, I am now able to share this video with people in need of help. THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart!
Yep. Works wonders with narcs
It’s also called “polite ice”.
love this term, im remembering that one!
Lol I like the sound of that
I'll adopt it.
Vajra Man,
Jack Pot!
I've been doing this, subconsciously, ALL of my life.
Now that I know what it's called,
'Polite Ice' I'll OWN it even more and use this Super Power for good. Thank yyyyyoooouuuu!
My grandmother taught me this when I was bullied at school. She told me to be 'coolly polite' to these people and to just maintain neutral eye contact without speaking if they said something demeaning to me. I'm in my 40's now and that little skill is one I have used many times since.
Thank you for these insights. I've had a lot of verbal and mental abuse growing up and these videos helped more than 18 years of therapy ever did.
This video made me understand clearly the meaning of "ignore their behaviour" .
"I do not remember being struck" can be applied to so much. I'm going to try and apply this to defuse the power people try to have over me.
I've been doing this subconsciously growing up as a kid dealing with bullies and manipulative people. Now as someone turning 30, my personality has somewhat literally become a gray rock that it literally bores people off lol
I walked away from a job with good salary, benefits and good work life balance. I went no contact with everyone I worked with and I have never felt better. The way I look at it I can last longer in a job with less to offer but good people to work with than a job with lots of perks but shitty people to deal with. I can't compromise on my values. Getting along with co workers is more important than the check I receive for having to tax my mental health at a miserable job. And thanks for the videos by the way, this content really anchors me in my healing. Keep up the great work
Ik denk dat dit het beste advies is ook voor deze tijd. Waar psychopathie, uitdagen, provoking, etc. Wordt aangemoedigd door de media en beloond door de maatschappij. Thx voor de reminder!
This is something I’m really trying my best to adapt in my life, but it seems so impossible sometimes. I have a short fuse; sometimes I feel like I come off as the toxic person because of how I sometimes behave but I’m not trying to get a reaction out of anybody nor do I want to hurt anybody, I just have trouble controlling my feelings of anger and resentment. And I know I’m not trying to be toxic bc I feel guilty afterwards.
Ive dealt with toxic family members and narcissist friends, one of whom I ended up liking. I eventually realized they didn’t like me back, but I value friendship a lot so I thought I’d stay friends with them. But they would only come up to me when they wanted something and ignore me if it wasn’t something concerning them. They also made shady comments all the time, and claimed they were just “joking” even if they weren’t. And anytime I brought up something about my future goals they would always shoot it down or make it seem unimportant. I saw the way they treated their other friends and slowly their mask was coming off. One time their best friend, who was going through some relationship confusion and worries came out as bi, and my former friend called her “disgusting” and continue to ignore everything she was saying, not even trying to help her out but simply mocking her heartbreak and concerns. I was utterly shocked that they were “best friends.”
Then one time the toxic friend talked about their new partner. I was happy for them and asked if they went to the same school as us and just some basic questions. They responded why I wanted to know, as if I’d asked something weird. And I was so confused why they were acting all suspicious when all I wanted to know was if they went to the same school so maybe I’d have a chance to meet the two of them together or be introduced to them. They then responded “You’re just jealous aren’t you?” with this sly smile.
I didn’t know that this whole time, he knew I liked him bc I had never told him (which I found out he liked me later on). He not only led me on at the beginning when I did like him, but even after he was simply just a shitty friend who got under your skin in ways that made it hard to call him out. And it was so clear, he thought he was better than everybody else.
Worst part is, after ditching his ass, I have been struggling to get over my feelings of resentment for him. It just takes over my soul and I feel stuck and it feels like torcher.
It’s even worse that bc of the pandemic I tried to reach out to them bc I was genuinely concerned if they were okay. They didn’t respond, as usual, and they knew what they were doing. They knew.
I should have learned, once you cut a narcissist out of your life, it shouldn’t make a difference whether they’re alive or dead because they feel the same about you. And they will always, always find a way to play the victim and never take any blame. They will try to act like “the good guy”, and if you hear someone saying “You know, I’m an honest person” or “you know how much I value kindness” repeatedly over and over, take them with a grain of salt. They will even have moments where they say or do something that seems rlly nice just to recapture your heart. But they might be playing you like a politician, getting you to believe they have good values that most ppl appreciate just to get you to do anything and everything for them when they want it.
I felt myself obsessing over hating him, talking shit about him constantly, and it’s eating at my soul. But if I don’t let these feelings go soon, it’s gonna eat me alive. So I must.
I think what you're feeling is normal. I recently went full no contact with a narc and I sometimes feel consumed by resentment as well. A therapist explained it to me like this once, "Dealing with someone like this is like playing catch with a dog. Every time you throw that ball, they WILL bring it right back. In fact, they want you to!
They'll keep bringing back that ball no matter how dirty or disgusting it's become, and they'll look to you every single time." The only way to win is to cut your losses. I know this is the hardest part, but once you cross that line then the healing begins, and you'll regain your sanity and your sense of self one day at a time.
There will never be closure with these kinds of people, but once they are gone from both your heart and mind you will be truly glad. Good luck
@@Dante3214 well said. I've cut my ties with my family. I still have to conclude a few toxic people. I found that with help (therapy and reading and podcasts and etc.) it becomes easier and easier.
Narcissist: Blablablablabla
Me : I see and but and everything concerning you don’t exist in my universe.
😂
*Thank you for making this video!*
This will come in handy for majority of our lives
There will always be toxic people, nothing we can do about that
but what we can do is how we react to those kinds of people
Yes I am using this method currently in my toxic marriage while I work on my escape plan. Great information thank you for sharing.
Absolutely true and very powerful. Thank you, this video comes at a particularly difficult time. I am dealing with a co-parent who constantly belittles me and badgers me with hate about who she wants me to believe I am, in an effort to "rile me up" and lose my cool. Her efforts are going nowhere and her defeat will come by her own hands. Again, a powerful video, keep it up.
I think it's important to emphasize that this is a technique for dealing with people with personality disorders that do not allow them to feel empathy, regret, etc. If you start using this technique as a way to cope with relational discomfort with all the (relatively) mentally healthy people in your life, you are only going to end up hurting and isolating yourself.
Why would you say this to people with personality disorder it's not like they can change this....
I appreciate that your content is geared towards self improvement. I've watched about a dozen of your videos now and can say that it has helped me a lot in having more self discipline and appreciation. Thank you!
I’ve done this a few times in my adult life. I never knew what to call it. Amazing work. Just amazing
The very best advice I learned has always been "don't put yourself in the situation." This will ONLY come when you get older and have more life experience. When you "sense" someone terrible or negative - IMMEDIATELY do everything you can to transfer/change schedule/study harder to get out/make an excuse to do other work - ANYTHING TO GET OUT of that negative environment.
I just used this method for a new boss we just got at work. She has mistreated all of my coworkers for simple things like asking to go to the restroom.
Yesterday, she came over to me and a coworker because I dared to say hi to them. She yelled and called me things, so I just grey-rocked her until she gave up.
I calmly reported the incident, talked to upper management and wrote to HR. If I have any retaliation against me, I have proof and witnesses. Plus i don't soly rely on that job anyways.
Thanks for this vid, it helped me a lot to understand this better and just remember to not give narcissisists your time and energy. 😊
I've done this since I was a child. Unfortunately, I'm currently doing it now with a neighbor. 😔 I didn't know it actually has a name. I wish you and your family peace and comfort. I'm so sorry for your losses. Take care.
love thy neighbour ;)
So basically you come from the neutral planet.
*"I HAVE NO STRONG OPINIONS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER".*
Tell my wife I said, "Maybe."
Yass
I like to use "Meh~"
It's "Tell my wife I said, 'Hello.'"
When dealing with a narcissistic person that is trying to get a reaction out of you just say to them..."That's interesting, tell me more"
It works. In an organisation that I loved a woman tried to assassinate my character, bully, isolate me and drive me out of a sport I love. I totally ignored her and her set of trolls as though they didn't exist. It drove them mad until the instigator broke down emotionally in front of me. I walked away without acknowledging her. I felt a great sense of peace that I was in control of myself instead of buying into her manipulation. The other thing that happened was that people stopped asking me to do work for them in my field of employment for no payment 'because we were friends'. I think I 'got' respect lol.
Your channel alone justifies the existence and importance of the internet. Thank You.
*"Boring, nonreactive, object"*
Ooh perfect
*"Don't stand out, indifferent, passive, uninterested and cold"*
Now i see this as an absolute win:D
Great to have you back, man! This video is extremely helpful and relevant to a difficult situation I am dealing with right now. Thank you!
Some problems with this. 1) when you have to deal with someone, just shutting off all emotions or reactions toward a person is quite destructive, almost seems like aggressive behaviour. You're basically saying 'you're dead to me'. You can cancel this out though by reacting normally or positive on good behaviour.
2) Sometimes the 'reward' or reïnforcement doesn't have to come from you. When in a group and someone is picking on you, you can act like a grey rock all you want, but when others are laughing, the bully still gets his reward. Acting like a grey rock may even reinforce bully behaviour this way because you become this really easy target.
Yeah I think you raise interesting point and that grey rock should be used situationally
In that case: you will have to remove yourself from that group. If people are encouraging narcs behaviour then I am doubtful these are people you should stick around with. 🙂
Agreed, certain situations
I learned how to do this as a child, raised by psychopathic narcissists... I just shut off any display of emotion because I noticed that showing any amplified their rage, antagonisms, deviant objectives. I realised I was being played as a pawn, incapable of changing anything except what I showed as a response, so I "went into neutral," a tactic now labelled as "gray rock." Outwardly, I was indifferent, but I kept my focus toward my objectives, albeit silently. I left at 15 & never went back. That was 49 years ago.
Now, I still carry that attitude. Exhaustive research illuminated the reality that I had adopted a stoic mindset at 5 years old, that became the bedrock of how I now handle everyone/everything. Deep analysis further highlighted that I appear to be a hard-core introvert who avoids people, work very productively on my own & could care less about being accepted or the "crowd mentality." I contend that a deep insecurity is the basis for the cultivated addiction to approval that sets the stage for targeted abuse. Snapping that addiction cycle is the key... Not caring what anyone thinks, says, or does is a freedom like no other... But it is hard-won & requires the focused fortitude to stand your ground quietly, even when everything around you is exploding. I respected myself enough at 5 years old, to change my processing coordinates & realign my thoughts to fortify that respectful stance... I am *GRANITE* ....never mind GRAY Rock...💜
I didn't know there was a name for this. I've been this way my whole life towards people I don't care about or aren't close to.
Thank you for the video, and all other content you have done and uploaded.
It helped me find out more about all these philosophies you cover.
Which in turn, has helped me a good deal these last 3 years.
Once again, thank you!
I’m always thinking of adding your videos to my „favorite“ playlist. But actually i simply could add every single one. So let’s just say this channel is a collection of videos i Love. Thank you a lot💜
"If Gray Rock of Boredom fails, use Black Stone of Pain to crush your enemies."
-
Mahatma Gandhi
Is it true?
@@cipher4968 no
@@shriyasharma5070 Thank you… 😀 maybe is another Gandi, lol
@@cipher4968 Do Not just believe any guy on the Internet. Shriya Sharma is trying to fool you. Gandhi really said that. To me. Personally. We were buddies.
😂😂 Himsa proponent
I've been doing this with my narcissistic mother in law and didn't even realize this is a thing. This honestly WORKS!! She leaves me alone, she no longer bothers me or poke at me to get a reaction. I just found this video and realized I've gone gray rock. 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾
Love the last words "Move along folks, there's nothing to see here. Thank you for watching."
I was unintentionally doing this with a toxic boss, awesome
Thank us for watching? Thank YOU for teaching!💙
Wasn’t there a story about the Buddha being spat on by a man, where he then refused the man’s apology saying he wasn’t spat on?
No the Buddha rejected the apology, because the man had changed and the man standing there ,wasnt the same one who spat on him.
I love that story. It teaches us all about forgiveness. Something interesting to think about in this call out and cancel culture we live in. People grow and mature and change their views. Those actions aren’t in the same categories as some horrid actions so atrocious it’s difficult to wrap our heads around like murder, rape, abuse, etc. However, for the grey area stuff, it’s worth your own mental health to be practicing forgiveness.
MalachorV that is very interesting.
@@ANGakakFreestyl "I don't know yesterday. I only know today."
@aura Harrison i think its more cos theyre good at getting people to forgive them so they never change since most of the time they dont really suffer the consequences of their actions
@Einzelganger: I choose your videos rather than ones by others(on similar subjects), because your voice is easy to listen to and you speak at a good pace ..... not too fast! Thank you.
I appreciate how you emphasize practical philosophy (e.g. your work on Stoicism, Buddhism, and now this video). Thank you.
Lol I’ve been doing this since early January and it’s really working. Those people appear to not care about me anymore lol
Me too. And I'm not letting them back.
Very well done video as always! I hope you're recovering well :D
On an unrelated note to the video, I just wanted to thank you for doing all of this. I don't really remember how I found your channel, but I found it at a time where I really felt hopeless for myself. I had so many questions about life in general for which I didn't have satisfying answers to, until I found your channel. While i'm not 100% recovered yet, I now have trust that if I keep at it, it will all work out somehow. All I have to do is believe in something.
Thank you again Einzelgänger
, and I hope that you will keep believeing too! Keep up the great content
You basically stop feeding the beast.. theirs and your!!!
This!!!!! I have been looking for years for what resonates with my soul, this is divine timing...will add this to my morning routine until it sticks! Thank you.
Thank you for this video. You're a particularly wise and insightful human being, the world needs many more like you.
Its impossible to ignore anything that somebody say you in an offensive way if you react like that they are going to laugh at you because you dont know how to answer, and when you go away from them you will get angry on yourself and will continue thinking on the offense, and if someone tells you the opposite they are lying.
I needed this more then ever. Thank you
Absolutely love the gray rock method… And this way you don’t feed into the drama and you also put ..... don’t feed the BEAST!! 😁😁😆🤣👏🏻👏🏻
This one is truly a life changer thank you.
I don't know what to say, really.
I really appreciate that you have uploaded a video which covers a substantial matter of today's society. It's hard to live through it.
Especially, when you are about to face someone who's so engrossed with biases, rumours or dogma or some superstitious thought about something too impossible to even imagine.
There will always be a strong contradiction of morality, when you are facing those kinds of problem.
Thank You Sir, I really needed that.
Peace, *Sigh*
Insightful advice, although I wouldn't call myself boring, I call myself "wise" to not engage with an agitated, negative person. Be aware of how they respond to your responses that will quickly reveal to you what their intentions truly are. Respect yourself enough to abide in your inner place of peace, knowing that is your only intention. Take care of yourself and don't entertain their silly egoic games anymore. Be aware and wise💝😊. Best wishes.
_evil geologist troll rubs hands together in sinister fashion_
"evil geologists" ? Do they even exist?
@@villebooks um I'd like to think that I'm not *too* evil lol!
Disturbing thought. I like to sunbath on grey rocks and evil geologists are a nuisance
Thank you, I really needed this advice, I really get angry and stressed by an ex girlfriend that keeps pushing my buttons and searching me just to tell me awful things about me, I have catched her bait so many times, but now I think I just have to be a gray rock, thank you
I can relate.
Just block her, dude. It might hurt for a couple days, but you need to forget about her in order to heal, move on, grow, learn the lesson of why she's an ex, etc. I'm at that stage rn, believe me, block her and move on. You're listening to a person that keeps beating you down, so cut them out. You shouldn't be wasting time on people that aren't making you happy.
@@avoatlaw Thanks man, I appreciate that. She really did a number on my self-esteem. I have blocked and unblocked her # countless times. I am moving on now and it feels great. Best of luck to you and thanks for the advice. Peace.
Unless you have a legitimate reason for contact-you share a child/ren or property/assets or work together-there’s no reason to accept toxic communication from an ex.
I had to go to my father's house after the passing of one of my relatives. The narc tried to hug me and I took a step back, setting boundaries with my body language. I also didn't say much and whenever the narc talked to me, I just said things like, "oh, yeah", "right", etc being neutral, I didn't have any emotions on my face. They didn't once pressure me or even talk to me the whole time! Just sipped their wine looking exhausted! I'll continue to do this every time I see them because it's working!
Thank you, Einzelgänger. I needed to hear this and apply it to someone very triggering. It’s working!!
This works. But you have to consistently keep it up for a long period of time. They know what buttons to push. It takes major self-discipline. and you will find that you don't get sucked into a lot of drama after that in other venues because creating drama has become a commodity in life. You will learn eventually which battles to fight.
Yes. It takes much practise.
the gray rock method is ..some people are toxic and unbearable you take a gray rock and bust their heads with it
Lol! Yes these people are such priceless treasures that you wanna bury them.
or you can turn them into a grey rock.
Enjoy your time in jail
@@johnraina4828 Triggered by words. You might want to work on that
@@hankhardigan1104 depends on how much you pay me for working on that
As soon as you give them a reaction/ a negative one you have lowered yourself to there low level
Just don't react at all ghost them...look through them like they don't exist 👻👻👻
Thank you for your videos, between this channel and my readings of meditations my life has changed for the better. Wishing you peace from the U.S
This video will outshine every other, forever.
I just realized that I fit the definition of a toxic person almost perfectly.
I don't believe in the construct of THE "toxic person" vs the "good person". Toxicity is a spectrum and we are all somewhere on that spectrum. This means we all need to work on ourselves. But we shouldn't lose sight of the good in us.
Anonymous Anonymous, there is beauty and love within you. Truly I believe this. Please nurture it and thrive. I love you.
while my parents continue through their senior years, they've become more and more verbally abusive.
I think saying "thank you" after every insult is a better method than staying silent because if they're not completely insane my method after some time would finally touch their conscience and they themselves would fall into their own trap, because now they would be the one's reacting emotionally.
Acting like this would just be too strange, and a signal that you are just putting up an act to hide the fact that you are hurt. Very counter-productive in this Situation.
@@H4nn4hLuv also could come off as an absolute ego stroke to the boss. Like "he's gonna thank me even if I spit on him". These people got no conscience. Thankyous would only make them worse.
@@mina0rahman true. This altruistic kind of behaviour never helped anyone.
@@H4nn4hLuv It isn't altruism. It's sarcasm.
I wasn't reacting to someone for so long but they kept on getting aggravated for asinine reasons and I finally lost my cool and blew up and now I am worse for it. These videos help me curb my anger a bit, but I feel it will take a while to recover from the fallout of my outburst as new memories come and bad fad away. At least I have learned and hopefully have the mentality to avoid angry outbursts from future occurrences of others rage.
I've been using this method on a toxic coworker and it works extremely well. Thanks for posting this.