This can also happen in families where you witness a lot of arguing and chaos and your nervous system is constantly vigilant expecting the next outburst/ unpredictable behavior so you grow up placating everyone in an attempt to avoid conflict. *Edit*In my home there was a combination of both. Big blowout arguments, then silence while we all go to separate places. Stomping around and slamming doors but not speaking. The next day we act like nothing happened...I would consider myself anxious-avoidant (I think also called disorganized or fearful avoidant) because I experience characteristics of both. Either shutting down and ignoring my needs, or exploding and feeling like I have to fight for my voice to be heard. Of course it's more complicated than a short clip can explain but I definitely exhibit the behaviors she described in my relationships. Getting better though. Healing is possible❤️
@@LexinePishue This is exactly what I experienced growing up. The elephant in the room was expected to be ignored. No repair talk, just pretend like nothing ever happened. I see you ❤️
Living in this environment is horrible. Specially if you have a parent or family member with a disorder like schizotypal, anger issues, bipolar, that refuses to get treatment
I can't relate as someone who is more the anxious side. JUST TALK! They won't yell at you, if they do, leave. Avoidants always leave good people due to not opening up anyways. Open up or hate your life, like cmon, it's not easy I've broken down crying and thrown up (real bad trauma). That one girl still lost interest and probably was just bottling up. Do not damage good people by trying not to damage people.
@@SA-ey6nta healthy amount of “clinginess” is essential for any healthy relationship, whereas the lack of “tAlK” is detrimental to any relationship… please stay alone if you really hate “clinginess” and “talking” that much, don’t bother other people and don’t get bothered by other people and die peacefully and gracefully alone.
"Oh, my childhood was fine! Very boring. No yelling or abuse or nothing like that." I've been saying this for over 30 years and this short just hit me like a ton of bricks.
I can remember this as a kid. My mum would do it especially. If she got angry, or annoyed, she got quiet. I HATED when mum got quiet. One word answers, if at all, no eye contact, just complete shutdown of communication. Sometimes minutes, sometimes hours. But you know why I love her to this day? She developed out of it! She doesn't do that anymore, or if she does it doesn't last ANYWHERE near as long, and it's always followed up by hugs and apologies. She recognised what she was doing to her kids, and her relationship, and began improving. It was slow, but it meant the world to me, and it was a great example that no matter how awful I have been, I can always change. I can always make things right. I can remember times as a teenager, washing dishes and cleaning to try and appease my angry, silent mother. And then she just came up behind me, hugged me really tight and said she was sorry for stressing me out, and thanked me for trying to help her the only way I knew how. I know she likes a clean house, so I cleaned to try and make her happy. That's the difference between a good parent and a bad one. Good parents may still do bad things, and can make a BOATLOAD of mistakes. But they will always recognise that it was a bad thing, and try to fix it. They will try to grow and mature, even if they're a middle aged adult! My mum did her best. She made a lot of mistakes and bad choices, just like this kind of thing from the video. But she didn't stay that way, and she did her best to try and help me feel loved, appreciated and emotionally validated. It was late, to be sure, but I love her to bits for trying and doing her best to help me through the aftermath of growing up with her doing that! She encouraged me to go to therapy, and whenever I feel stressed or anything she is open to hear it and accepts it, even if she is part of the problem. I'm an adult now, but I still go to her to complain, vent and seek advice, because she's the best person I know for advice about changing. My mum isn't perfect. But she tries a lot harder than many parents, and I am so lucky.
Thank you for this comment. Many times we just blame or parents and our past and we forget that they didn't had the knowledge or resources to handle emotions like we do today. Let's all take responsibility and be better and love our parents because they tried their best.
I didn’t know it was mine until I watched this. And I am exactly like she just described. I always knew the silent treatment was not good but I didn’t know why
Don’t forget the part about feeling incredibly guilted when you finally decide to set boundaries with your partner and not go along with absolutely everything because your just “disappointing people”
Yes & no..? For me, I can have boundaries & express them with my hubby…he knows exactly how sensitive I am to certain ways of phrasing things, tones of voice (tired = grouchy in my mind & I always take it personally…I have to be distanced from the immediate moment with the tired tone to realize it’s not me & it’s not personal, etc…JUST. TIRED.), lighting, sounds, textures, etc…and I kid you not, he’s perfect for me…imperfect, yes…and he’s not “perfect” like “my every weakness is met by his strength” or something (that’s a romantic notion. Sometimes we’re both just weak, and that’s okay.), but like…he really respects those boundaries, and whenever they’re crossed, he acknowledges it, owns it, and apologizes for it…and that’s something I’m just hungry for - not for my boundaries to never ever be crossed, but for how the whole thing is handled afterwards…I grew up with the mentality that I either couldn’t really have my own boundaries, or the lack of respect for them was somehow on me. And him showing me differently? That’s treasured. The problem isn’t setting boundaries with my hubby, but with my mom…I can’t express any pain she caused without it being my fault or something, I used to not really have my own time (I lived at home until I got married, and my hubby has had my back since day 1, whether I’m in the right or the wrong…it’s just that he manages to tell me I’m wrong about something without me falling apart…😂🥹🥰), I wasn’t really allowed to feel off & not do chores or something unless I was physically sick enough to not do them (which, hey!! Mental health is a real thing too!! It’s just that if you read “don’t leave your depressed loved one alone”, you suddenly get to never leave them alone…😂🙈), etc…mind you, a lot of these memories are a bit older…but it doesn’t matter how many times I forgive & forget, the next time anything similar happens, it reminds me of “that one (hundredth) time when…” & it just sucks…to this day, I don’t think I have boundaries with her…and it’s draining. If she asks me to help with the kitchen, I work myself to the bone doing as much as I can with as much anxiety as I have, burn out doing it, feel guilty as heck for not completing it to the nth degree/asking for help/thinking of my own messy-as-heck kitchen that I’ve been avoiding because it’s so overwhelming (no matter if it’s almost clean or terribly dirty, no less), and panic all over again because of how much left there is to do…in both kitchens…all that to say, communication is tough with my hubby, but almost impossible with my mom…and I just don’t want a repeat of that in my home. I want my kids to feel like they can tell me what I’m doing wrong & improve my parenting with them. I’d rather a little humiliation at getting something wrong (because I go all the way or no way - there’s no such thing as minor embarrassment for me…😂🤦♀️🤪) than a long lasting wound growing up. ❤
And when youre first learning boundaries and are terrible at them, so theyre either wayyy too harsh or lenient (oftentimes dependent on how secure you feel with the person), and in the end you wonder how your loved ones put up with you, if they did
@Joyfillied wow, thats a lot to unpack.. i hope youre still working on yourself for your hubby. He sounds like hes doing great though, youre so blessed to have someone like him. Hopefully you can figure it out with your mom, too. It's very important for yourself to forgive others, and if you'd like to forget afterwards, first reflect and learn the lesson from the situation, remember those important details of the lessons you learned from your pain, but forget the ones that are painful when possible. When boundaries are crossed or youre hurt again by the choice of another individual who previously made the same mistake but apologized, then it actually is up to you to do something, otherwise its very easy to be taken advantage of, unnecessarily. So, if someone doesnt respect you enough, it's up to you to do something that doesnt control them, but controls the situation. For example, if someone kept repeating the same mistakes, it's worth weighing whether or not youd like to continue the relationship or if youd like to take a step back from it (engage with the other person less). If you dont do that, then its very easy for the other person to keep hurting you because you provided no consequences. I hope you do provide related consequences for boundaries purposefully being crossed because you deserve that❤ God bless❤ Ps. I think you would probably really benefit from asking your hubby questions when you feel insecure (for example: ask, "Are you mad at me?" Or "Are you just tired?") I think it would be really sweet because youd be improving your communication for him which shows you care, but it would also probably help you feel better in certain situations❤
Because this is how I was raised, I always thought it was a positive thing, I thought we all had the ability to move on, when in reality we were repressing our feelings and needs.
My first relationship with a full-blown diagnosed borderline was such an event. I’ve done a lot of work in recovery for the past eight or nine years, and had a really healthy relationship for three years prior to her. We literally never had a fight in the whole time, there were probably two times when I was really triggered and kind of tried to start one but my partner was just phenomenally, healthy, and in love and committed to communication. We worked through some really profound stuff in both of our lives and childhood. When I met my ex BPD, going over past relationships as many of us do when preparing to commit, long-term to someone, good to assess and know what we’re getting into! She hooked me in with empathy from all the stories of abuse and abandonment she had, which were actually, 180° reversals from reality like everything else in her life that I found out much later and were all situations that she caused, created or forced with her horrorshow behavior. When I was telling her about my last relationship that we didn’t have a single fight in three years, she said “how boring!“ I couldn’t tell if she was kidding or what… It should’ve been an orange or red flag I realize now, because she really wasn’t kidding. She had been, however, posing as a professional in the healing professions, as well as somebody on the spiritual path. You know where we take responsibility for ourselves in our lives, and try to create peace and more love in the world? Yeah, basically the diametric opposite of toxic people and the cluster B Spectrum.
This is why i have pretty much constant conversations with my daughter about speaking up, and knowing that she is allowed to take up space and so are her feelings
This is why I apologize for everything and always think people are mad at me, talking about me negativly, or dont like me.. I also always feel like im in trouble
whoa i have this SAME exact experience and was just telling a friend about it last night. except my mom screamed a lot and was verbally abusive crazy how different situations can produce similar outcomes
Ppl who say everyone can heal never dealt with cptsd. Say that to traumatized veterans! You have no idea how broken their mind is and seeing and doing horrific things played out on repeat in your mind! Thats like breaking someones legs and telling them walk it off. My other analogy is when you break a mirror it will never be the same. You got your big pieces you can put together but then you have smaller pieces that dont fit right no matter what you do while other pieces are completely shattered. You can try and fill those holes yet things wont ever be the same! Not by a long shot!
When I was young, I envied “quiet homes” because I came from a large black family and we get loud and we yell and we communicate in a way that is not very quiet so as a kid, I just always thought like it was better to come from a home where there was no yelling, and there was no raising your voice or anything like that as I’ve gotten older I realize that there are issues with both kind of upbringings because trust me I got my problems, but I had no idea. This is how the avoidant is formed.
Your videos have helped me be more self aware of how I teach my 2 year old to regulate his emotions. I grew up in a disfunctional family and I wasnt taught how to regulate my emotions or any healthy coping skills. I try my best to be emotionally present with him, even though I am still healing from my own traumas and tend to dissociate. It's been hard maintaining calm and regulated during the tantrums, but I remind myself the way I speak to him now is how he will talk to himself as he's older. It's exhausting especially as a single mother, but I'm hopeful that in the process of this we are ending generational cycles of abuse.
Or a mum whose temper goes from 0 to 100 like a flick of a switch and starts screaming for the smallest things, so you become hypervigilant. Or when your parents talk over you when you want to tell them something exciting, making you feel like your needs are unimportant.
That's why it's dangerous now for me and mine bc this hypervigalence has now caused bodily reactions reflexes I have no control over I'm immediately ready for smoke that's why I be too myself bc not too much on me im avoidant to protect them and myself at this point cuz I'm tired of the shit
I think a lot of people actually do know to some extent. Maybe not in exact detail or in a way that helps them understand how it affects others, but I have never met a person that doesn’t know their own toxic traits. Talk to them for a while and they will tell you in their own words. “I don’t know what my problem is but I can never (fill in the blank)”… or any other phrasing where they notice they are different or insufficient or heavily pointing fingers at others when it’s their own insecurity they are hating on. They know. Trust me.
@@chelseabunker2391I disagree. Read Robert Greene, Laws of Human Nature. Read any book or watch more videos on human behavior. You won't be wrong, you'll just have more knowledge, understanding and better tools.
@@chelseabunker2391actually, they have a clue that something is wrong but they can't pinpoint what because they lack the introspection, because they feel so bad about themselves that they can't look inside them and look what's wrong and even if they do, there's so much wrong, they get scared and prefer not to look
Wow you just captured my entire childhood. I wish I saw this before it took me 35 years to figure out why I was so messed up with my family. I'm 37 now and life is much better once you understand the reasons your so fuxked up and can move past it and become the person I actually am. Your words are amazing at showing how damaging a household like this can be. My parents don't understand why my kids are allowed to cry and yell and have opinions. To us it's not an option or an allowance they are human so they get to be and act like humans.
Congratulations on letting your kids be actual humans, with ranges of emotion and experience and expression. Figuring out that that's important is impressive considering your own history. Obviously it's not gonna be perfect and our kids are also going to need therapy 😂 but not like us. Cheers.
This is me. I moved out and had no clue how to resolve conflict as an adult, had no clue THAT I had no clue. I thought it was normal. I've learned healthy conflict resolution over the years but it still gives me a lot of anxiety.
I hate how accurate this is it's like we lived the same childhood 😢. I struggle so much with even accepting that my problems are really worth bringing up, even then I back down so easily. Having relationships and connections is a huge struggle too. Ugh.
This is my family lol. My parents can literally feel tension and just keep everything light and pretend like everything is fine. They will not, I repeat, will not ever bring anything up. Or ever say sorry.
My ex-husband's family. When I realised why I was so miserable it's because I was going along with everything that was "expected" of me. I was basically a nothing person.
I had that same issue when I was dating my husband and in the first 6 + years of marriage. It was BECAUSE my parents fought about everything and were constantly arguing. They made me feel like my opinions and thoughts didn’t matter because I’d get blown up at all the time. I worried that my marriage would be the same way, so I didn’t express how I felt until my husband had to pry it out of me! I’m finally learning how to be open with my feelings after 10 years… 😂 My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me! 😊
I love these. Format is incredible both prospectively in raising my own children but also retrospectively in making sense of the disordered family systems I experienced as a child. Thank you for your work.
Ex wife opened up about severe childhood trauma 2 days after she asked for a divorce. She accused me of not loving her and not being supportive and that I forced myself to love her. Nothing she was saying was making sense. Everything came out of left field. Then she finally opened up about her trauma. I held her told her I loved her was proud of her for opening up. And she still pushed me away. Sometimes you try and try but they still push you away. The emotional imbalance they possess is nothing that we can do to change it. The survivor needs so much support from loved ones, if not they will close off and begin to spiral. Mental health is sad. We just need more people to have the emotional intelligence and capacity to stay near these people who are hurt more then words can explain. God bless all
My Dad goes through this with my Mom (she had a VERY bad childhood), so I see where you're coming from from a third party and I just want to say, in case no one else has, that people like you are very appreciated. Massive thank you. Hoping you are well.
We push away because we are too consumed by our trauma and we can’t possibly see how anyone would want us. This is me currently. I’m struggling to understand why my emotionally avoidant husband would want me when he doesn’t express love to me in a manner I apparently need. So I automatically assume he’s lying to me and I panic. It’s horrible. And we may not make it.
Thank you so much for not giving up on her. I'm sorry your marriage did not work out. Trauma can be so consuming, and trying to function while you're in it is like walking around in complete darkness. You have a big heart, and I'm so sorry things didn't work for you two. Thank you so much for sharing your comment. It made me cry. I'm thinking of myself and my bf in yalls shoes. I just want to grow and heal and do better. God bless you ❤️
Omg. This is me. I worked really hard in my 20s to get out of this but when my mom moved in with me cause she was sick it triggered so much dysfunction and disregulation 😢😢😢😢. I had such a “good” upbringing that I didn’t know what was wrong with me now I see. We had the silent war in my home as a child
Half of my family did this the other half yelled and threw things across the room. Over the last 20 years I have been working on letting my children know they can tell me anything and that I will support them in any way they need me to. I may not always agree with their decisions but I will always love them no matter what. I try to be the calm bay in the wild sea of life. I hope when they are all grown they see me in this way.
Honestly same. I feel like anything I want or need doesn’t matter in the end. There is self sacrifice and then there is self negligence. My husband is helping me learn to love myself and it’s okay to do nice things for myself and to communicate is healthy.
Idgaf I m getting ish of my chest so nobody can be in the dark about my thoughts and feelings. I’m not carrying around all these rocks and can’t offload 😅
Whenever I asserted a point of view as a teen, stood up for myself in the strict helicopter home I was in, I'd get slapped with the "crazy" label. My parents have gotten better thru the years. I'm 31 and moved out now. I am trying to learn to share emotions with others. But damn it's hard. Not knowing how that emotion will be received.
This is true. Took many years to figure this out. I grew up with parents who rarely fought, they would just shun each other for weeks. They were good people and good parents to me, just bad with each other. It was just how they were raised and they weren't even conscious that they shut down like that. Then I married and my first husband was awful but I would just put up with so much because I didn't think I was worth it and I didn't want to be the bad guy. But then I did the deep work, got comfortable being "the bitch", which meant having boundaries and expressing needs. Eventually got out of that relationship and everything got better. I didn't go to therapy but it likely would have got me here faster. We don't have to be victims to our own impulses forever. It is possible to heal.
This was my family growing up. My mom was completely depressed to the point of being non-functional, and no one talked about it. My sister and I were being neglected and falling apart at school. My parents pretended we were fine. At 14, I threatened to unalive myself, and my dad hit me so hard I don't remember it. It was never spoken about for 30+ years until my dad casually mentioned how big of a brat I was at 14 that he had to smack some sense into me. My dad is likely an avoidment attachment, my mom was definitely anxious attachment, people pleaser who expected us kids to fawn over her the way she would fawn over her verbally abusive mother. Guess what- we're avoidant attachment and she would say things like she didn't think we loved her, etc because there really was no relationship between us. Just silence. It was awful.
I’m avoidant, fearfully to be exact. My husband has a secure attachment, when I stonewalled to prevent fights, he told me that wasn’t healthy and it shattered my upbringing. I always felt unheard and uncared for as kid, but I thought that was the natural order of a parent-child relationship. We have a daughter now and I’m working hard to stop those FA coping habits because I don’t want her to feel the burden I felt growing up.
I try to teach my kids that getting mad or upset or frustrated is OK. Everybody gets mad. Everybody gets in arguments. It’s ok to “fight” (not like physically lol) but I want them to know it’s ok to express their feelings. Like if my husband and I have a disagreement or get annoyed with each other, we don’t hide it from the kids. They see us argue but then they see that we still love each other and an argument doesn’t mean our relationship is in trouble. It means we can work through things and still be a healthy couple.
So true. Lost my first husband partly due to this. Second husband doesn't understand why I need to talk everything out. Probably gone over the top in the second marriage, but we're still together for over 25 years
Thats called people pleasing/ fawning. Its a coping mechanism that we usually outgrow around 30-40 when we finally speak our truth to all those people who silenced our voice all those years.
Well, it’s a dilemma of “connection vs authenticity”, that is an issue of a lifetime. Sometimes being honest hurts peoples feelings, and if you love someone, you don’t want to see them hurt. (We all have a “mask”, or persona, that is different to our boss, parent, siblings, police, etc…just to get along. Why? Because we are not psychopaths).
also, growing up in an asian family, its looked down upon to voice out my thoughts /emotions. so i just got used to not voicing it out. it's hard to heal if the people around me doesn't want to listen. need more people around me, i hate my family.
@fab3laundry, In a nutshell, it teaches them that toxic is normal. They imprint the behavior they see and when they meet, years later, a person who exhibits the same toxic behavior, it feels comfortable, warm, and familiar until all hell breaks loose. If you're in a toxic relationship, you can't conceal the effect it has on you, nor can you silence the negativity in the home. If you want to do the absolute best for your child/ren, remove yourself AND them from the situation. It's not worth it to stay. (speaking as a wife & mom of 3 who divorced after 20 yrs of marriage). It was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Looking back now, 24 yrs after, I wish I'd done it sooner. I see how the repercussions affected my two youngest adult children, both daughters. My eldest, a son, had a rough time during the divorce. I found a good family therapist (a man, because my son was 16) and it helped a lot. My youngest daughter was harmed the most - all due to emotional abuse and neglect by her dad. I did what I needed to do for my sake, but very much because the rotten behavior by my ex was very bad for our children to be around. It was hard, but being a single mom of 3 children was much easier once my ex moved out. He immediately moved in with someone and then out of state. The BS doesn't stop -- he recently told my youngest he "made a big mistake by leaving". ALL children of divorce, (even once they are adults) hope that magically everyone will reconcile and mom & dad will get back together. It's not gonna happen; my ex is an unrepentant alcoholic masquerading as a wise old man.....who just happens to still drink and abuse his current wife. His health is totally wrecked. Never in a million years would I go down that path again. I'm old too....but never drank...so my health is good & I'm free of any entanglements. At 71 I'm not interested in anyone but my adult kids and grandchildren. My dad had problems with alcohol; I think all WW2 veterans did. That, and my mom's constant nagging & complaining created a perfect dysfunctional storm. Do what you need, get Food Stamps, Government help, whatever.....but get you and the children out of that environment. They need you as much as possible now, and you deserve better. For your sake and for the adults they will be. ❤️❤️❤️ Good luck! 🐦🎶
This is kind of how I learned to cope from my household that had only constant fighting and arguing, and never let anything go. It's hard to find the right balance.
Yeah… I kinda think I have this attachment style, but we never had the silent treatment in my family. We had tons of yelling and you tried handling emotions or conflict in a healthy way, you could expect to be shamed, mocked, or ignored. 😅
Yeah, same, except the yelling came from my mum and I was never allowed to talk back, so I had to stay quiet. I remember walking on egg shells my entire time living at home. Then I ended up in an abusive relationship and only just realised why I ended up like this. Shit really
Interesting. I’m, oddly inverted. I abandoned those who do that. They didn’t argue face to face, but would talk and vilify you to the other family members and claim they were the victims.
Wow, I’m learning more on here than I have before! This is reading me like a book and validating my experiences HARD! Wow…I used to get the silent treatment/ignored as punishment as a kid growing up & as an adult, when people aren’t talking to me, I feel like they’re mad at me & like I did something wrong. I had a coworker who some days wasn’t very talkative (she can be like that in general) & for days, I felt so guilty for nothing, as if I did something wrong. Turns out, she wasn’t even mad at me and she was surprised when I asked her if she was. Thanks for a vid like this. I often feel very alone in my experiences, but this makes me feel less alone & validated. ❤
I was emotionally geglected as a child but I'm starting to be so grateful for how I grew up. I was rarely judged negatively (or praised) if there was a problem there was a short fight but no resentment. I never walked around sensing resentment or fear. I did however know what upset my mother and knew how to avoid her when I prepared food so she wouldn't see the crumbs before I wiped them up etc anyway, I would consider myself a pretty emotionally intelligent mostly secure/anxious attachment style. I am so happy I'm not avoidant. I think the avoidants have more difficult work to do to find themselves. Anxious people have to find peace and compassion but although they have hard work to do, there's not as much hiding to uncover. It would be so scary knowing parts of you have been hiding under rocks you may never find.
When you start to uncover past traumas after year of repressing emotions, the only way I can describe what's under the rug is 'what the hell?!?'. I truly convinced myself that I was ok, so it was very unsettling
Damn. That just about made me cry, because this is how I KNOW I'll be if I get in a relationship. For some reason, I'm always the one going with the flow, following along, then I'll get mad at myself and others for treating me like a strung-along puppy. Help!
Heal first. It's not a good idea to get into a relationship until you do or you'll continue the dysfunction in the new one. It's hard but it's necessary.
Therapy. The above advice is CRITIICAL. I bet people who want to take advantage of that are drawn to you like moths to a light bulb and compound your trauma. Then you might lose years or even decades and find yourself using self-destructive methods to cope. At that point, digging out feels so overwhelming..
Yep, that's me! So grateful to having realized this and being able to work on my emotional/psychological well-being, especially in terms of inter-personal relationships. Thank you Dr. Nicole for yet another eye-opener of a skit! ❤
My dad is like this, he will loudly state his opinions but falls completely silent when other people express their thoughts or more serious matters are being discussed. Stubborn like a mule, selfish, and the most infuriating person I know. Although I’m aware of the issue, I can’t get rid of this attachment style. Although at home I do fight back sometimes, outside of the house I have these traits of being timid and agreeable to not cause trouble. I get mad at myself for letting myself be strung-along, and also secretly mad at others when they take advantage of it even unintentionally. It’s getting better over time, but it drives me insane how much my dad has affected me
This was my household as a child. I would try to talk with my mother when things felt off and she would just shut me down to the point I eventually cried every time she would go silent. As an adult, I notice I shut down at first but then will revisit the issue with that person without the extra initial emotions. Is this still an avoidant attachment trait a rational way to resolve issues?
For me, I communicate to the person by saying look I’m really upset and I don’t want to get in a heated argument. Can you give me an hour to calm down and we’ll revisit it later? I want to hear what you have to say. It’s worked well for me so far!:)
@@advisorywarning Now that is healthy communication. You're clearly communicating your need for space, you've provided when you'll return, and you've given reassurance.
I would say it's almost always a bad idea to try and solve something when you're in that initial high state of emotions. Sounds pretty healthy to me. I do not understand why some online content pushes the idea that there is only one way to solve conflicts in a healthy way (immediately, directly, with completely open and blunt communication). Nah, different styles and strategies should be acceptable. The only thing you should be aiming for is mutual understanding and a solution that satisfies both parties. I for one have a hard rule of no yelling. Don't care if people think that's some kind of trigger I need to get over in order to "heal". Nah, people are perfectly capable of not raising their voice during a disagreement. If you feel like you have to yell, then some fundamental aspect of respect is missing from the conversation. Yelling is aggressive. There is no need for aggression with people who are supposed to be in a caring relationship with you.
Woah, woah, woah... I'm feeling very personally called out right now! Thanks for posting! Glad I'm not the only one! So glad I've learned and grown since those days.
Talking,not yelling or fighting, can work things out. The silent treatment and violent arguing and fighting will bring kids up with serious issues. My "nmom" yelled about everything, my dad just was quiet and walked away to cool down then talk it out. Man I'm still screwed up!
This is so me and my experience growing up. The feeling of abandonment and worthlessness is something I've been getting help for, but its very ingrained. Ive come a long way though.
Harder still is to control your emotions as an adult. I won’t argue now, I’ll discuss. I stay outside of the house until I’ve shaken off the workday enough to come in the home and be positive. Forgive immediately but don’t forget. Set clear boundaries and always be fair. Things I wish would have been demonstrated to me when I was a kid
You're just like my husband. Love him so much but wish he'd give me the real real sometimes. Get mad about anything. Never angry. It's like anger doesn't exist.
My dad was the silent treatment type. He would ignore me for weeks or even months without a word. I would go about my business and he would turn his head away from me whenever i entered the room. Wouldnt speak to me or look at me for weeks. Didnt make sure i ate or bathed or went to school. Its like i didnt exist.
Yeah, i kinda had the same relationship with my dad growing up. Didnt see him much at all. Dont have that many memories even though i lived with him for 18 years. 😂
Ive lived like this every single day for the past eight years. Nothing has changed, I feel so alone. I don’t know what to do besides stay in my room and try to distract myself from everything. I doubt any of this will change until I graduate and go on my own journey called life, but for now I’ll just have to keep to myself.
I feel you. I have been there. You will survive this and the second you can leave you will. And you can start healing. But also get help now. You don't have to go through this alone. What your parents are doing is not your fault. You are perfect as you are. You got this. It's hard and heartbreaking and it's very difficult to not get lost in the process but you will have a wonderful life with loving people around you where you can feel safe.
@@AmayaBrave Thank you kind stranger, I will try to keep that in mind every time I start feeling down again. I really appreciate your words, they truly helped. I certainly hate that sometimes it affects other people who are close to me but I will try to work on it.
This is described my house. Until last year i had enough and explode. We still give each other silent treatment, sometimes i don't even know what i do wrong. Sometimes i felt like they just regreting their decision to having me. Make me felt unworthy, neglected, and lonely. But however i need to face it right, i dont have to said anything, so we could be together
Since I was a kid my father every time he upsets he gave us a silent treatment, he thought it was better than yelling/spanking. Also my mother are the opposite, she'll yelling and always talked about that issue for a long time (ex: I won't use the dress she bought, she'll yelling at me with harsh words why I didn't do the order, then I gave up and I'll do what she wants, but the next morning or 3 month or after a few years suddenly bringing about that topic (in a bad way)). The things is both of them wont listen or gave us a chance to argue/have opinion, even after we become an adult
This one really hits home and it is how I have learned and am unlearning on how to deal with conflict in my life. Sadly there is still arguement in my family where it all started as a child but I am learning to finally forgive and learn to live with that person who I am having issues with.
This hits home so strongly for me. Doesn't help that I was literally abandoned my my mother and then my grandparents who raised me were like this. I'd already been rejected once so I was convinced I had to try to be perfect and prevent any conflict or it would happen again. I've done a lot of processing around this stuff and have gotten to the point where I am better at voicing my needs but those thoughts and feelings of always being too much or being a burden or not wanted are still there.
My ex is very avoidant and I’m very anxious and that was literally the best and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in anxious avoidant relationships can be very good but can also be very toxic depending on each person’s understanding of their attachment styles I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with another anxious person same with 2 avoidants together it sounds horrible
We soooooooo so NEED TO HEAR THIS! We have the power to change the trajectory of our own and our children’s stories! I’m so tired of meeting people who should be on an island all alone because they are so damaged by people who were mistreated and never got or sought out help.
![แข่งแลกของ 1 วัน!! ของใครแพงสุดชนะ!! [Ver.2024]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/joRT59ilPHg/mqdefault.jpg)
This can also happen in families where you witness a lot of arguing and chaos and your nervous system is constantly vigilant expecting the next outburst/ unpredictable behavior so you grow up placating everyone in an attempt to avoid conflict.
*Edit*In my home there was a combination of both. Big blowout arguments, then silence while we all go to separate places. Stomping around and slamming doors but not speaking. The next day we act like nothing happened...I would consider myself anxious-avoidant (I think also called disorganized or fearful avoidant) because I experience characteristics of both. Either shutting down and ignoring my needs, or exploding and feeling like I have to fight for my voice to be heard. Of course it's more complicated than a short clip can explain but I definitely exhibit the behaviors she described in my relationships. Getting better though. Healing is possible❤️
yep! especially if the big blowout arguments never resolve, and you just act like they never happened
@@LexinePishue This is exactly what I experienced growing up. The elephant in the room was expected to be ignored. No repair talk, just pretend like nothing ever happened. I see you ❤️
Yup, that’s me!
Same shit different Christmas
Living in this environment is horrible. Specially if you have a parent or family member with a disorder like schizotypal, anger issues, bipolar, that refuses to get treatment
It’s a relief hearing this. It’s such a lonely experience, and it’s difficult to imagine that anyone else could relate.
Totally
I can't relate as someone who is more the anxious side. JUST TALK! They won't yell at you, if they do, leave. Avoidants always leave good people due to not opening up anyways. Open up or hate your life, like cmon, it's not easy I've broken down crying and thrown up (real bad trauma). That one girl still lost interest and probably was just bottling up. Do not damage good people by trying not to damage people.
@@shortfusedynamite5166 " jUsT tAlK". And you just stop being clingy 🙄
@@shortfusedynamite5166😊
@@SA-ey6nta healthy amount of “clinginess” is essential for any healthy relationship, whereas the lack of “tAlK” is detrimental to any relationship… please stay alone if you really hate “clinginess” and “talking” that much, don’t bother other people and don’t get bothered by other people and die peacefully and gracefully alone.
"Oh, my childhood was fine! Very boring. No yelling or abuse or nothing like that." I've been saying this for over 30 years and this short just hit me like a ton of bricks.
This was 80% of my childhood… But behind that silence is actually, I discovered later, a lot of suppressed aggression 😅
@@tessarae9127 YES! im so lowkey angry all the time
@@tessarae9127dang you’re right, when my parents argue i noticed they just shut down in the middle of it 😔
The realization moment can feel very much like a snowball in the face.😟
I went to a counselor at 20 and said this and he told me “that’s not healthy” I was shocked 😮
I can remember this as a kid. My mum would do it especially. If she got angry, or annoyed, she got quiet. I HATED when mum got quiet. One word answers, if at all, no eye contact, just complete shutdown of communication. Sometimes minutes, sometimes hours.
But you know why I love her to this day? She developed out of it! She doesn't do that anymore, or if she does it doesn't last ANYWHERE near as long, and it's always followed up by hugs and apologies.
She recognised what she was doing to her kids, and her relationship, and began improving. It was slow, but it meant the world to me, and it was a great example that no matter how awful I have been, I can always change. I can always make things right.
I can remember times as a teenager, washing dishes and cleaning to try and appease my angry, silent mother. And then she just came up behind me, hugged me really tight and said she was sorry for stressing me out, and thanked me for trying to help her the only way I knew how. I know she likes a clean house, so I cleaned to try and make her happy.
That's the difference between a good parent and a bad one. Good parents may still do bad things, and can make a BOATLOAD of mistakes. But they will always recognise that it was a bad thing, and try to fix it. They will try to grow and mature, even if they're a middle aged adult!
My mum did her best. She made a lot of mistakes and bad choices, just like this kind of thing from the video. But she didn't stay that way, and she did her best to try and help me feel loved, appreciated and emotionally validated. It was late, to be sure, but I love her to bits for trying and doing her best to help me through the aftermath of growing up with her doing that! She encouraged me to go to therapy, and whenever I feel stressed or anything she is open to hear it and accepts it, even if she is part of the problem. I'm an adult now, but I still go to her to complain, vent and seek advice, because she's the best person I know for advice about changing.
My mum isn't perfect. But she tries a lot harder than many parents, and I am so lucky.
Good for you! 😊
That is so sweet.
Thank you for this comment.
Many times we just blame or parents and our past and we forget that they didn't had the knowledge or resources to handle emotions like we do today.
Let's all take responsibility and be better and love our parents because they tried their best.
omg Im crying 🤍 this is the best
This is amazing! So much encouragement. ❤❤❤ Thank you so much for taking the time to share it!
This one hit me like a truck. My home was either uncomfortable silence or overwhelming chaos and neither felt good
Yup, mine too. Horrible. Thankfully, I was good at school, so school was an escape from the tension. You know where you stand in school.
I didn’t know it was mine until I watched this. And I am exactly like she just described. I always knew the silent treatment was not good but I didn’t know why
Yeah same here. We always had to tiptoe around mom. Literally so tired of her
Me too.
Same. If it isn't a big blow-out shouting argument it's just silence
Don’t forget the part about feeling incredibly guilted when you finally decide to set boundaries with your partner and not go along with absolutely everything because your just “disappointing people”
omfg this.
Yep.
Yes & no..? For me, I can have boundaries & express them with my hubby…he knows exactly how sensitive I am to certain ways of phrasing things, tones of voice (tired = grouchy in my mind & I always take it personally…I have to be distanced from the immediate moment with the tired tone to realize it’s not me & it’s not personal, etc…JUST. TIRED.), lighting, sounds, textures, etc…and I kid you not, he’s perfect for me…imperfect, yes…and he’s not “perfect” like “my every weakness is met by his strength” or something (that’s a romantic notion. Sometimes we’re both just weak, and that’s okay.), but like…he really respects those boundaries, and whenever they’re crossed, he acknowledges it, owns it, and apologizes for it…and that’s something I’m just hungry for - not for my boundaries to never ever be crossed, but for how the whole thing is handled afterwards…I grew up with the mentality that I either couldn’t really have my own boundaries, or the lack of respect for them was somehow on me. And him showing me differently? That’s treasured. The problem isn’t setting boundaries with my hubby, but with my mom…I can’t express any pain she caused without it being my fault or something, I used to not really have my own time (I lived at home until I got married, and my hubby has had my back since day 1, whether I’m in the right or the wrong…it’s just that he manages to tell me I’m wrong about something without me falling apart…😂🥹🥰), I wasn’t really allowed to feel off & not do chores or something unless I was physically sick enough to not do them (which, hey!! Mental health is a real thing too!! It’s just that if you read “don’t leave your depressed loved one alone”, you suddenly get to never leave them alone…😂🙈), etc…mind you, a lot of these memories are a bit older…but it doesn’t matter how many times I forgive & forget, the next time anything similar happens, it reminds me of “that one (hundredth) time when…” & it just sucks…to this day, I don’t think I have boundaries with her…and it’s draining. If she asks me to help with the kitchen, I work myself to the bone doing as much as I can with as much anxiety as I have, burn out doing it, feel guilty as heck for not completing it to the nth degree/asking for help/thinking of my own messy-as-heck kitchen that I’ve been avoiding because it’s so overwhelming (no matter if it’s almost clean or terribly dirty, no less), and panic all over again because of how much left there is to do…in both kitchens…all that to say, communication is tough with my hubby, but almost impossible with my mom…and I just don’t want a repeat of that in my home. I want my kids to feel like they can tell me what I’m doing wrong & improve my parenting with them. I’d rather a little humiliation at getting something wrong (because I go all the way or no way - there’s no such thing as minor embarrassment for me…😂🤦♀️🤪) than a long lasting wound growing up. ❤
And when youre first learning boundaries and are terrible at them, so theyre either wayyy too harsh or lenient (oftentimes dependent on how secure you feel with the person), and in the end you wonder how your loved ones put up with you, if they did
@Joyfillied wow, thats a lot to unpack.. i hope youre still working on yourself for your hubby. He sounds like hes doing great though, youre so blessed to have someone like him. Hopefully you can figure it out with your mom, too. It's very important for yourself to forgive others, and if you'd like to forget afterwards, first reflect and learn the lesson from the situation, remember those important details of the lessons you learned from your pain, but forget the ones that are painful when possible. When boundaries are crossed or youre hurt again by the choice of another individual who previously made the same mistake but apologized, then it actually is up to you to do something, otherwise its very easy to be taken advantage of, unnecessarily. So, if someone doesnt respect you enough, it's up to you to do something that doesnt control them, but controls the situation. For example, if someone kept repeating the same mistakes, it's worth weighing whether or not youd like to continue the relationship or if youd like to take a step back from it (engage with the other person less). If you dont do that, then its very easy for the other person to keep hurting you because you provided no consequences. I hope you do provide related consequences for boundaries purposefully being crossed because you deserve that❤ God bless❤
Ps. I think you would probably really benefit from asking your hubby questions when you feel insecure (for example: ask, "Are you mad at me?" Or "Are you just tired?") I think it would be really sweet because youd be improving your communication for him which shows you care, but it would also probably help you feel better in certain situations❤
Because this is how I was raised, I always thought it was a positive thing, I thought we all had the ability to move on, when in reality we were repressing our feelings and needs.
My first relationship with a full-blown diagnosed borderline was such an event. I’ve done a lot of work in recovery for the past eight or nine years, and had a really healthy relationship for three years prior to her. We literally never had a fight in the whole time, there were probably two times when I was really triggered and kind of tried to start one but my partner was just phenomenally, healthy, and in love and committed to communication. We worked through some really profound stuff in both of our lives and childhood. When I met my ex BPD, going over past relationships as many of us do when preparing to commit, long-term to someone, good to assess and know what we’re getting into! She hooked me in with empathy from all the stories of abuse and abandonment she had, which were actually, 180° reversals from reality like everything else in her life that I found out much later and were all situations that she caused, created or forced with her horrorshow behavior. When I was telling her about my last relationship that we didn’t have a single fight in three years, she said “how boring!“ I couldn’t tell if she was kidding or what… It should’ve been an orange or red flag I realize now, because she really wasn’t kidding. She had been, however, posing as a professional in the healing professions, as well as somebody on the spiritual path. You know where we take responsibility for ourselves in our lives, and try to create peace and more love in the world? Yeah, basically the diametric opposite of toxic people and the cluster B Spectrum.
This is why i have pretty much constant conversations with my daughter about speaking up, and knowing that she is allowed to take up space and so are her feelings
This is why I apologize for everything and always think people are mad at me, talking about me negativly, or dont like me.. I also always feel like im in trouble
whoa i have this SAME exact experience and was just telling a friend about it last night. except my mom screamed a lot and was verbally abusive
crazy how different situations can produce similar outcomes
I know that feeling SO well! I'm 42 and STILL suffer with this! 😢
41 here and it never really goes away
@@oliviaoldaker 40 here. I'm the original comment. I know 🫠
@@heylookits Not fun is it ?
Trauma ruins lives, not everyone heals.
Extremely True. 👌🏽🤷🏾♀️
Everyone CAN heal though 👀
@@user-mj6qr2ky9dthat’s not true, we need to be realistic and clear about trauma, not idealistic
Not everyone knows how to deal with their trauma either.
Ppl who say everyone can heal never dealt with cptsd. Say that to traumatized veterans! You have no idea how broken their mind is and seeing and doing horrific things played out on repeat in your mind! Thats like breaking someones legs and telling them walk it off.
My other analogy is when you break a mirror it will never be the same. You got your big pieces you can put together but then you have smaller pieces that dont fit right no matter what you do while other pieces are completely shattered. You can try and fill those holes yet things wont ever be the same! Not by a long shot!
When I was young, I envied “quiet homes” because I came from a large black family and we get loud and we yell and we communicate in a way that is not very quiet so as a kid, I just always thought like it was better to come from a home where there was no yelling, and there was no raising your voice or anything like that as I’ve gotten older I realize that there are issues with both kind of upbringings because trust me I got my problems, but I had no idea. This is how the avoidant is formed.
Sorry if I’m intruding but how did that affect you? No need to answer if you don’t want to
Basketball people behavior
Your videos have helped me be more self aware of how I teach my 2 year old to regulate his emotions. I grew up in a disfunctional family and I wasnt taught how to regulate my emotions or any healthy coping skills. I try my best to be emotionally present with him, even though I am still healing from my own traumas and tend to dissociate. It's been hard maintaining calm and regulated during the tantrums, but I remind myself the way I speak to him now is how he will talk to himself as he's older. It's exhausting especially as a single mother, but I'm hopeful that in the process of this we are ending generational cycles of abuse.
You are amazing
yeah you're awesome may god be by your side
Or a mum whose temper goes from 0 to 100 like a flick of a switch and starts screaming for the smallest things, so you become hypervigilant. Or when your parents talk over you when you want to tell them something exciting, making you feel like your needs are unimportant.
the 0 to 100 thing is what did this for me. like throwing out the soap bottle got my ass clapped idk
That's why it's dangerous now for me and mine bc this hypervigalence has now caused bodily reactions reflexes I have no control over I'm immediately ready for smoke that's why I be too myself bc not too much on me im avoidant to protect them and myself at this point cuz I'm tired of the shit
@@RobbieNewell I get that
Most people don't know what they're doing to one another.
I think a lot of people actually do know to some extent. Maybe not in exact detail or in a way that helps them understand how it affects others, but I have never met a person that doesn’t know their own toxic traits. Talk to them for a while and they will tell you in their own words. “I don’t know what my problem is but I can never (fill in the blank)”… or any other phrasing where they notice they are different or insufficient or heavily pointing fingers at others when it’s their own insecurity they are hating on. They know. Trust me.
some people know but still aren't emotionally equipped to heal themselves
@@chelseabunker2391I disagree. Read Robert Greene, Laws of Human Nature. Read any book or watch more videos on human behavior. You won't be wrong, you'll just have more knowledge, understanding and better tools.
Yeah hence these videos
@@chelseabunker2391actually, they have a clue that something is wrong but they can't pinpoint what because they lack the introspection, because they feel so bad about themselves that they can't look inside them and look what's wrong and even if they do, there's so much wrong, they get scared and prefer not to look
Wow you just captured my entire childhood. I wish I saw this before it took me 35 years to figure out why I was so messed up with my family. I'm 37 now and life is much better once you understand the reasons your so fuxked up and can move past it and become the person I actually am. Your words are amazing at showing how damaging a household like this can be. My parents don't understand why my kids are allowed to cry and yell and have opinions. To us it's not an option or an allowance they are human so they get to be and act like humans.
Congratulations on letting your kids be actual humans, with ranges of emotion and experience and expression. Figuring out that that's important is impressive considering your own history. Obviously it's not gonna be perfect and our kids are also going to need therapy 😂 but not like us. Cheers.
Thank you for letting your kids be kids!!!!! ❤
❤❤❤
It's just as painful to be ignored as it is to be screamed at
This is me. I moved out and had no clue how to resolve conflict as an adult, had no clue THAT I had no clue. I thought it was normal. I've learned healthy conflict resolution over the years but it still gives me a lot of anxiety.
My home was often like this. My parents would just act like any issues or tension would resolve themselves magically 🎩🔮✨
Yup, same. My whole family's like this too. I'm in the process of healing tho, despite being in their company still. We'll see how that goes 😂
The penguin didn't want to hear this.
I hate how accurate this is it's like we lived the same childhood 😢. I struggle so much with even accepting that my problems are really worth bringing up, even then I back down so easily. Having relationships and connections is a huge struggle too. Ugh.
I can relate. This, too, shall pass. 💚🙏🏽
This is how I developed as a teen and adult. My dysfunctional upbringing and inability to connect in relationships. Working on mitigating bpd.
*hugs* totally relate. it's super rough. glad you've been able to identify it and working on it. that's more than most can say for themselves
Same
This is the tough work. Sometimes it's not pretty. But I'm pretty sure it's the only way.
Same
This is my husband's family. They pretend problems don't exist.
Yep. Under the rug it goes and then when you do deal with it you are the master jerk!
To avoid a fight I bet
Hope he's healing
This is my family lol. My parents can literally feel tension and just keep everything light and pretend like everything is fine. They will not, I repeat, will not ever bring anything up. Or ever say sorry.
My ex-husband's family. When I realised why I was so miserable it's because I was going along with everything that was "expected" of me. I was basically a nothing person.
I had that same issue when I was dating my husband and in the first 6 + years of marriage. It was BECAUSE my parents fought about everything and were constantly arguing. They made me feel like my opinions and thoughts didn’t matter because I’d get blown up at all the time. I worried that my marriage would be the same way, so I didn’t express how I felt until my husband had to pry it out of me! I’m finally learning how to be open with my feelings after 10 years… 😂 My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me! 😊
I love these. Format is incredible both prospectively in raising my own children but also retrospectively in making sense of the disordered family systems I experienced as a child.
Thank you for your work.
Ex wife opened up about severe childhood trauma 2 days after she asked for a divorce. She accused me of not loving her and not being supportive and that I forced myself to love her. Nothing she was saying was making sense. Everything came out of left field. Then she finally opened up about her trauma. I held her told her I loved her was proud of her for opening up. And she still pushed me away. Sometimes you try and try but they still push you away. The emotional imbalance they possess is nothing that we can do to change it. The survivor needs so much support from loved ones, if not they will close off and begin to spiral. Mental health is sad. We just need more people to have the emotional intelligence and capacity to stay near these people who are hurt more then words can explain. God bless all
My Dad goes through this with my Mom (she had a VERY bad childhood), so I see where you're coming from from a third party and I just want to say, in case no one else has, that people like you are very appreciated. Massive thank you. Hoping you are well.
Thank you for saying this
We push away because we are too consumed by our trauma and we can’t possibly see how anyone would want us.
This is me currently. I’m struggling to understand why my emotionally avoidant husband would want me when he doesn’t express love to me in a manner I apparently need. So I automatically assume he’s lying to me and I panic.
It’s horrible. And we may not make it.
Thank you so much for not giving up on her. I'm sorry your marriage did not work out. Trauma can be so consuming, and trying to function while you're in it is like walking around in complete darkness. You have a big heart, and I'm so sorry things didn't work for you two. Thank you so much for sharing your comment. It made me cry. I'm thinking of myself and my bf in yalls shoes. I just want to grow and heal and do better. God bless you ❤️
Thank you for your comment. God bless you! 🍀
Omg. This is me. I worked really hard in my 20s to get out of this but when my mom moved in with me cause she was sick it triggered so much dysfunction and disregulation 😢😢😢😢.
I had such a “good” upbringing that I didn’t know what was wrong with me now I see. We had the silent war in my home as a child
Yes the underlying 'vibes' and micro / nonverbal communication.
wow, silent war hits hard
@@fennysaper6837My parents were at it, albeit silently, for 36 years before divorcing. That was shocker !!
If parents were/are abusive, we owe them nothing.
@@rupertperiwinkle4477they probably learnt it from their parents.
Half of my family did this the other half yelled and threw things across the room. Over the last 20 years I have been working on letting my children know they can tell me anything and that I will support them in any way they need me to. I may not always agree with their decisions but I will always love them no matter what. I try to be the calm bay in the wild sea of life. I hope when they are all grown they see me in this way.
Honestly same. I feel like anything I want or need doesn’t matter in the end. There is self sacrifice and then there is self negligence.
My husband is helping me learn to love myself and it’s okay to do nice things for myself and to communicate is healthy.
One way to avoid being labeled "hysterical" or crazy
Exactly :(
Idgaf I m getting ish of my chest so nobody can be in the dark about my thoughts and feelings. I’m not carrying around all these rocks and can’t offload 😅
Whenever I asserted a point of view as a teen, stood up for myself in the strict helicopter home I was in, I'd get slapped with the "crazy" label. My parents have gotten better thru the years. I'm 31 and moved out now. I am trying to learn to share emotions with others. But damn it's hard. Not knowing how that emotion will be received.
Stop caring what others label you. That's a more healthy attitude.
Whew * cries in”too sensitive *
You vids are soooo good. I get triggered and start crying, but know that it's my wounded child crying. I assure her that I have her back now.
I also got teary.
Me too
This is true. Took many years to figure this out. I grew up with parents who rarely fought, they would just shun each other for weeks. They were good people and good parents to me, just bad with each other. It was just how they were raised and they weren't even conscious that they shut down like that. Then I married and my first husband was awful but I would just put up with so much because I didn't think I was worth it and I didn't want to be the bad guy.
But then I did the deep work, got comfortable being "the bitch", which meant having boundaries and expressing needs. Eventually got out of that relationship and everything got better. I didn't go to therapy but it likely would have got me here faster. We don't have to be victims to our own impulses forever. It is possible to heal.
This was my family growing up. My mom was completely depressed to the point of being non-functional, and no one talked about it. My sister and I were being neglected and falling apart at school. My parents pretended we were fine. At 14, I threatened to unalive myself, and my dad hit me so hard I don't remember it. It was never spoken about for 30+ years until my dad casually mentioned how big of a brat I was at 14 that he had to smack some sense into me. My dad is likely an avoidment attachment, my mom was definitely anxious attachment, people pleaser who expected us kids to fawn over her the way she would fawn over her verbally abusive mother. Guess what- we're avoidant attachment and she would say things like she didn't think we loved her, etc because there really was no relationship between us. Just silence. It was awful.
I’m avoidant, fearfully to be exact. My husband has a secure attachment, when I stonewalled to prevent fights, he told me that wasn’t healthy and it shattered my upbringing. I always felt unheard and uncared for as kid, but I thought that was the natural order of a parent-child relationship. We have a daughter now and I’m working hard to stop those FA coping habits because I don’t want her to feel the burden I felt growing up.
The mom's facial expressions are spot on. How are they so accurate 😂
I try to teach my kids that getting mad or upset or frustrated is OK. Everybody gets mad. Everybody gets in arguments. It’s ok to “fight” (not like physically lol) but I want them to know it’s ok to express their feelings. Like if my husband and I have a disagreement or get annoyed with each other, we don’t hide it from the kids. They see us argue but then they see that we still love each other and an argument doesn’t mean our relationship is in trouble. It means we can work through things and still be a healthy couple.
So true. Lost my first husband partly due to this. Second husband doesn't understand why I need to talk everything out. Probably gone over the top in the second marriage, but we're still together for over 25 years
Thats called people pleasing/ fawning. Its a coping mechanism that we usually outgrow around 30-40 when we finally speak our truth to all those people who silenced our voice all those years.
Well, it’s a dilemma of “connection vs authenticity”, that is an issue of a lifetime. Sometimes being honest hurts peoples feelings, and if you love someone, you don’t want to see them hurt. (We all have a “mask”, or persona, that is different to our boss, parent, siblings, police, etc…just to get along. Why? Because we are not psychopaths).
"our truth"
at 24, currently seeing the results of this upbringing, i shut people out when there's conflict
still working on fixing it.
also, growing up in an asian family, its looked down upon to voice out my thoughts /emotions.
so i just got used to not voicing it out. it's hard to heal if the people around me doesn't want to listen.
need more people around me, i hate my family.
Do we usually outgrow it at that point?
I am the child, abandoning my own wants and needs. Stuck in a bad relationship with no way out.
That's me...I'm 63!!
There's ALWAYS hope and the way out is different but not necessarily bad. You might give up some things but you also gain so much.
❤
I got out. Now healing work started.
Man that is an absolute punch to the gut. It's like my life read back to me.
My whole family are like this. Much better than loud arguing or agression. I appreciate the peace and quiet
My narc husband made me feel like this and I lost my integrity and self esteem. I put myself in survival mode and holding back the flood gates
Can you do a series on what staying in a toxic relationship teaches your children
@theholisticpsychologist
@fab3laundry,
In a nutshell, it teaches them that toxic is normal.
They imprint the behavior they see and when they meet, years later, a person who exhibits the same toxic behavior, it feels comfortable, warm, and familiar until all hell breaks loose.
If you're in a toxic relationship, you can't conceal the effect it has on you, nor can you silence the negativity in the home.
If you want to do the absolute best for your child/ren, remove yourself AND them from the situation.
It's not worth it to stay.
(speaking as a wife & mom of 3 who divorced after 20 yrs of marriage).
It was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
Looking back now, 24 yrs after, I wish I'd done it sooner.
I see how the repercussions affected my two youngest adult children, both daughters. My eldest, a son, had a rough time during the divorce.
I found a good family therapist (a man, because my son was 16) and it helped a lot.
My youngest daughter was harmed the most - all due to emotional abuse and neglect by her dad.
I did what I needed to do for my sake, but very much because the rotten behavior by my ex was very bad for our children to be around.
It was hard, but being a single mom of 3 children was much easier once my ex moved out.
He immediately moved in with someone and then out of state.
The BS doesn't stop -- he recently told my youngest he "made a big mistake by leaving". ALL children of divorce, (even once they are adults) hope that magically everyone will reconcile and mom & dad will get back together.
It's not gonna happen; my ex is an unrepentant alcoholic masquerading as a wise old man.....who just happens to still drink and abuse his current wife.
His health is totally wrecked.
Never in a million years would I go down that path again. I'm old too....but never drank...so my health is good & I'm free of any entanglements.
At 71 I'm not interested in anyone but my adult kids and grandchildren.
My dad had problems with alcohol; I think all WW2 veterans did. That, and my mom's constant nagging & complaining created a perfect dysfunctional storm.
Do what you need, get Food Stamps, Government help, whatever.....but get you and the children out of that environment. They need you as much as possible now, and you deserve better. For your sake and for the adults they will be. ❤️❤️❤️
Good luck! 🐦🎶
This is kind of how I learned to cope from my household that had only constant fighting and arguing, and never let anything go. It's hard to find the right balance.
So many of these videos feel like huge call-outs and it gets me every time.
Great synopsis. Your skits are genius for creating the “ah ha” realization of how it works and applies.
This is my entire childhood. Thanks for discribing what I have gone through.
These are the skits are the best! They're easier to relate to than a lecture.
the penguin wearing headphones knocked me tf out 😭
Yeah… I kinda think I have this attachment style, but we never had the silent treatment in my family. We had tons of yelling and you tried handling emotions or conflict in a healthy way, you could expect to be shamed, mocked, or ignored. 😅
Yeah, same, except the yelling came from my mum and I was never allowed to talk back, so I had to stay quiet. I remember walking on egg shells my entire time living at home. Then I ended up in an abusive relationship and only just realised why I ended up like this. Shit really
@@x-starlight-x This was how I grew up, as well.
@@x-starlight-xnarcissistic mothers
Interesting. I’m, oddly inverted. I abandoned those who do that. They didn’t argue face to face, but would talk and vilify you to the other family members and claim they were the victims.
Wow, I’m learning more on here than I have before! This is reading me like a book and validating my experiences HARD! Wow…I used to get the silent treatment/ignored as punishment as a kid growing up & as an adult, when people aren’t talking to me, I feel like they’re mad at me & like I did something wrong. I had a coworker who some days wasn’t very talkative (she can be like that in general) & for days, I felt so guilty for nothing, as if I did something wrong. Turns out, she wasn’t even mad at me and she was surprised when I asked her if she was. Thanks for a vid like this. I often feel very alone in my experiences, but this makes me feel less alone & validated. ❤
This is so, so accurate. Decades later, my parents are gone and my relationships with my siblings are awful. Almost no good memories.
I was emotionally geglected as a child but I'm starting to be so grateful for how I grew up. I was rarely judged negatively (or praised) if there was a problem there was a short fight but no resentment. I never walked around sensing resentment or fear. I did however know what upset my mother and knew how to avoid her when I prepared food so she wouldn't see the crumbs before I wiped them up etc anyway, I would consider myself a pretty emotionally intelligent mostly secure/anxious attachment style. I am so happy I'm not avoidant. I think the avoidants have more difficult work to do to find themselves. Anxious people have to find peace and compassion but although they have hard work to do, there's not as much hiding to uncover. It would be so scary knowing parts of you have been hiding under rocks you may never find.
When you start to uncover past traumas after year of repressing emotions, the only way I can describe what's under the rug is 'what the hell?!?'. I truly convinced myself that I was ok, so it was very unsettling
Damn. That just about made me cry, because this is how I KNOW I'll be if I get in a relationship. For some reason, I'm always the one going with the flow, following along, then I'll get mad at myself and others for treating me like a strung-along puppy. Help!
That CAN BE FIXED!! Find a good, preferably Christian, therapist! You'll be fine.
Heal first. It's not a good idea to get into a relationship until you do or you'll continue the dysfunction in the new one. It's hard but it's necessary.
Therapy. The above advice is CRITIICAL. I bet people who want to take advantage of that are drawn to you like moths to a light bulb and compound your trauma. Then you might lose years or even decades and find yourself using self-destructive methods to cope. At that point, digging out feels so overwhelming..
“Anything to avoid the way I feel in this home” gut punch bc of how true that is
Giving words to the 'child' makes these very powerful!
Yep, that's me! So grateful to having realized this and being able to work on my emotional/psychological well-being, especially in terms of inter-personal relationships.
Thank you Dr. Nicole for yet another eye-opener of a skit! ❤
Oh my god.....I....I'm so glad I watched this cuz my solution to EVERY SINGLE ISSUE is silence treatment......gotta work on that
Ong. Avoid every single problem like it doesnt exist until it eventually doesnt.
Same
My dad is like this, he will loudly state his opinions but falls completely silent when other people express their thoughts or more serious matters are being discussed. Stubborn like a mule, selfish, and the most infuriating person I know.
Although I’m aware of the issue, I can’t get rid of this attachment style. Although at home I do fight back sometimes, outside of the house I have these traits of being timid and agreeable to not cause trouble. I get mad at myself for letting myself be strung-along, and also secretly mad at others when they take advantage of it even unintentionally. It’s getting better over time, but it drives me insane how much my dad has affected me
Moses' quiet "bingbong". Im💀😂
I literally avoid my own family. Even my closest friends
This was my household as a child. I would try to talk with my mother when things felt off and she would just shut me down to the point I eventually cried every time she would go silent.
As an adult, I notice I shut down at first but then will revisit the issue with that person without the extra initial emotions. Is this still an avoidant attachment trait a rational way to resolve issues?
I’d say I’ll try it out. Sounds like a great thing for me to try
For me, I communicate to the person by saying look I’m really upset and I don’t want to get in a heated argument. Can you give me an hour to calm down and we’ll revisit it later? I want to hear what you have to say.
It’s worked well for me so far!:)
It is an spectrum, it is posible
@@advisorywarning Now that is healthy communication. You're clearly communicating your need for space, you've provided when you'll return, and you've given reassurance.
I would say it's almost always a bad idea to try and solve something when you're in that initial high state of emotions. Sounds pretty healthy to me. I do not understand why some online content pushes the idea that there is only one way to solve conflicts in a healthy way (immediately, directly, with completely open and blunt communication). Nah, different styles and strategies should be acceptable. The only thing you should be aiming for is mutual understanding and a solution that satisfies both parties.
I for one have a hard rule of no yelling. Don't care if people think that's some kind of trigger I need to get over in order to "heal". Nah, people are perfectly capable of not raising their voice during a disagreement. If you feel like you have to yell, then some fundamental aspect of respect is missing from the conversation. Yelling is aggressive. There is no need for aggression with people who are supposed to be in a caring relationship with you.
Woah, woah, woah... I'm feeling very personally called out right now! Thanks for posting! Glad I'm not the only one! So glad I've learned and grown since those days.
I hate how this channel randomly found me and how it reflects everything me and my mother are.
Talking,not yelling or fighting, can work things out. The silent treatment and violent arguing and fighting will bring kids up with serious issues. My "nmom" yelled about everything, my dad just was quiet and walked away to cool down then talk it out. Man I'm still screwed up!
These videos really hit hard. I just want to be normal.
being normal isn't as normal as you think it is, there are just a lot of different styles of abnormal
I hate that I relate to so many of your videos but also appreciate the insight from another source.
This is so me and my experience growing up. The feeling of abandonment and worthlessness is something I've been getting help for, but its very ingrained. Ive come a long way though.
I thought I was anxious attachment... now I wonder if I am avoidant attachment!
Maybe you’re disorganized, which means you have traits of both.
Yup. That was my childhood. Took me 35yrs to learn how to set a simple boundary.
The penguin with headphones really drives home the point
Thank you for making this. Comedy helped break down decades of pain for me. keep it up. Brilliantly done.
Harder still is to control your emotions as an adult. I won’t argue now, I’ll discuss. I stay outside of the house until I’ve shaken off the workday enough to come in the home and be positive. Forgive immediately but don’t forget. Set clear boundaries and always be fair. Things I wish would have been demonstrated to me when I was a kid
You're just like my husband. Love him so much but wish he'd give me the real real sometimes. Get mad about anything. Never angry. It's like anger doesn't exist.
Oof. I literally just got back from therapy and now I feel like I gotta call her up
Brilliant! Your videos are so helpful in recognizing how things worked and HOW it manifests in survival behavior!!!!!! Cheers ❤
Totally relate‼️Either that or chaos.That goes on and on and on and on....
My dad was the silent treatment type. He would ignore me for weeks or even months without a word. I would go about my business and he would turn his head away from me whenever i entered the room. Wouldnt speak to me or look at me for weeks. Didnt make sure i ate or bathed or went to school. Its like i didnt exist.
I made a mistake as a 13yr old and yeah he pretended like i didn't exist for the next 10 years. Now i do the same when I'm unhappy about something.
okay hes not avoidant, hes a psycopath.
Yeah, i kinda had the same relationship with my dad growing up. Didnt see him much at all.
Dont have that many memories even though i lived with him for 18 years. 😂
It is such a common concept in this family.
Thank you for the video❤
It's exactly the right time I need to hear this. Thank you
I love the way they discuss their relationship, the exact opposite of how the relationships they are talking abut play out.
Ive lived like this every single day for the past eight years. Nothing has changed, I feel so alone. I don’t know what to do besides stay in my room and try to distract myself from everything. I doubt any of this will change until I graduate and go on my own journey called life, but for now I’ll just have to keep to myself.
I feel you. I have been there. You will survive this and the second you can leave you will. And you can start healing. But also get help now. You don't have to go through this alone. What your parents are doing is not your fault. You are perfect as you are. You got this. It's hard and heartbreaking and it's very difficult to not get lost in the process but you will have a wonderful life with loving people around you where you can feel safe.
@@AmayaBrave Thank you kind stranger, I will try to keep that in mind every time I start feeling down again. I really appreciate your words, they truly helped. I certainly hate that sometimes it affects other people who are close to me but I will try to work on it.
This is described my house. Until last year i had enough and explode. We still give each other silent treatment, sometimes i don't even know what i do wrong. Sometimes i felt like they just regreting their decision to having me. Make me felt unworthy, neglected, and lonely. But however i need to face it right, i dont have to said anything, so we could be together
You probably didn't do anything wrong. Dysfunctional people are dysfunctional to their core.
Yep, just stuff those feelings down.... Causing lots of problems in all areas of life in the future. Totally relatable!
I grew up in a family that was literally always yelling and somehow I came out like this. Funny.
Since I was a kid my father every time he upsets he gave us a silent treatment, he thought it was better than yelling/spanking. Also my mother are the opposite, she'll yelling and always talked about that issue for a long time (ex: I won't use the dress she bought, she'll yelling at me with harsh words why I didn't do the order, then I gave up and I'll do what she wants, but the next morning or 3 month or after a few years suddenly bringing about that topic (in a bad way)). The things is both of them wont listen or gave us a chance to argue/have opinion, even after we become an adult
holy fuck did i just find an answer?
This one really hits home and it is how I have learned and am unlearning on how to deal with conflict in my life. Sadly there is still arguement in my family where it all started as a child but I am learning to finally forgive and learn to live with that person who I am having issues with.
I grew up like this. Sometimes revert to it myself. We force ourselves to confront any "issues" now ❤
I actually appreciate these
Excellent description.
That time my dad gave me silent treatment for 10 years😂😂😂
Daaaamn. A whole decade?! What did you do?
@@TomikaKelly they found out I did the dirty with my bf
God this is so unbelievably relatable in everyway
This hits home so strongly for me. Doesn't help that I was literally abandoned my my mother and then my grandparents who raised me were like this. I'd already been rejected once so I was convinced I had to try to be perfect and prevent any conflict or it would happen again.
I've done a lot of processing around this stuff and have gotten to the point where I am better at voicing my needs but those thoughts and feelings of always being too much or being a burden or not wanted are still there.
Oh god, l can so relate to this!
This video is a big slap of the reality for me
My ex is very avoidant and I’m very anxious and that was literally the best and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in anxious avoidant relationships can be very good but can also be very toxic depending on each person’s understanding of their attachment styles I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with another anxious person same with 2 avoidants together it sounds horrible
“Anything to avoid the way I feel in this home”
this is a message
Expressed so well!! Took me years to realize.
Thanks, you two! Love these skits ❤️❤️🥰
Past day I’ve learn that I have many issues and I’m very lonely 👍
We soooooooo so NEED TO HEAR THIS! We have the power to change the trajectory of our own and our children’s stories! I’m so tired of meeting people who should be on an island all alone because they are so damaged by people who were mistreated and never got or sought out help.
Lmaooooo her facial expression reactions…. EXACTLY. No words. Just bizarre weird silence. I hate that shit!!!! Say something dammit!!!! Lmao