It is safe for me to say No. I don't need a reason to say No. Other people can handle their emotions. I am not responsible for other people's emotions. I'm safe.
Damn straight. If you say what you want to say and live the life you want to live, it is impossible to please everyone. The only way to make everyone happy is to compromise yourself in the process.
Sadly as a People Pleaser, I found out that if you "save the day" enough times. Others end up expecting you to "save the day" every time....... Thank You for the info!!
And when you don’t, they suddenly keep saying you’re unreliable even if it happened once. BUT - it’s either they or you who is happy. And you should live life for you in the end. ❤ They can choose how they can take the situation too, and if they are suffering because of that, it’s on themselves tbh.
More important is when you do more for others, more you depend on them. You can not change others, so is just to work with yourself, it’s your issue and dependance, as a cope strategy, so it’s good news that you can change it
I was taught as a female in a large male family that the guys were patted on the back for setting boundaries. The female's were shamed for being selfish!! I grew up being a people pleaser. Now I know better.
In childhood, I had to do all I could to please my mother, even at my own emotional expense. If I didn't, she could erupt in anger. So now, I struggle with thinking of myself and my own feelings. In every interaction, I feel a need to be who others want or need me to be.
I relate to that. I am 51 now and learning to be me. Getting to know myself, the girl I could have been from the beginning. So happy I am learning how 🥰
Same story here. I could never be enough or do enough. She wanted me to sacrifice my soul. I had to go low contact to save my mental health and physical health.
No one talks about how lonely it is to say no. People expect you to sacrifice yourself for their gain and if you say no, they stop talking to you. Why does no one ever talk about this?!
To find the people that you can trust is difficult. Discerment is an artform that very few masters. Do not help people if they do not ask you to, and if they ignore you do not give them energy. Being unavailable attracts people, looking for heroes makes everybody run away.
Like my boyfriend. He "asked" if we could get this dog that is still young, untrained, and has a biting and potty issue. I said no. He got mad and fought with me about it. I told him ,"it wasnt really a yes or no question was it?" He got the dog anyway. Then apologizes AFTERWORDS, over text instead of face to face.
I find that the people who benefited from your lack of boundaries may indeed be very disappointed/disapproving or exit your life. That is quite lonely and painful at first, but it also opens up space for healthier people. To me, the worst loneliness is abandoning yourself in order to please others who don’t care about you as much as what you can do for them.
I've learned that saying no to others when I used to say yes all the time has made me more enemies than friends. I get more grief trying to care for myself, which I was not allowed to do EVER, instead of dropping everything and helping someone work on their crisis -- knowing that I would not get that same respect back. Finished with that. People are just going to have to get mad and be disappointed. I'm working on not feeling intense shame and guilt for not helping. It's still really difficult. Thank you, Nicole.
I am also dealing with this to. I had to learn to let some of these people go and be okay with . I was just so tired of the cycle and always the one upset .
@@watchingthewaves1 Yes, I feel that too. Exhausted being stuck in the endless cycle and being the one upset while they didn't give a rip, while they did something else unreasonable that we had to put up with. No more! Internet hugs to you. Eventually we will get there, and we will let their emotions stay with them and not let their emotions affect us.
I think that those who would shift to being enemies when we need to say no in order to tend to our own well-being...aren't really friends. A true friend might feel disappointed that you couldn't help them with something, but ultimately wouldn't want you to do anything you didn't feel comfortable and available to do.
I call it Captain Save a hoe. I’ve struggled with this for my whole life. I know it’s because I felt abandonment from my mom, but I hate that I always put all my energy to others, and never put that energy on myself. I’m learning thanks to you! ❤
Is it always a hoe? Maybe you're really helping and changing these women, even if they never realized it at the moment. Everything u have done will accumulate and come BK to you. Remain kind in this cruel world
Very helpful video. Thank you! People pleasing often overwhelms me, and to get relief I end up cutting people out of my life. Instead of having proper boundaries in the first place.
Fucking same man.. haven't watched yet but glad to see comments saying this has been helpful, especially from people who've shared similar experiences 🙏🏾
Me too!!! It is so hard.. Some times I feel overwhelmed. But I am praying and asking God to give me the strength to love myself and take care of my personal needs
@love 1011….then I bring them back into my life then get kicked in the teeth….this happed two days ago with a demanding emotionally manipulating friend, saw the signs but allowed her to get away with it …..no more!
'I am safe to disappoint people' made my mind exlode (in a good way 😊). THIS is exactly what my people pleasing tendency is rooted in. The negative impact people pleasing has had for me is that the resentment builds up until I have an episode of explosive anger and end up harming the relationships I am so afraid of losing. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing your wisdom Dr. Nicole. ❤
I can always tell if I've been over-people pleasing, when it starts to feel like a one-way street, especially when I start setting boundaries with clients or in relationships, and they give me a hard time about it!!
Over the past 20 years, I've been on a people-pleasing journey, constantly trying to gain approval from others. A massive change in my life forced me to self-reflect, and I realized some hard truths. No matter what you do for certain people, they will always hate you and never change their minds about you. People-pleasing often leads to tons of disrespect that you tolerate just because they are your friends and family. Just like in the story of the man and the donkey, sometimes over-caring leads to self-destruction or the destruction of something valuable.Just like Harvey said, "When they know you care, they will walk all over you".I'm not saying don't care but sometimes you should care enough for yourself to walk away from relationships that are not worth saving. When you don't matter to certain people, you try to give them more. Once they realize you're not going to leave no matter what they do, they will never change. "Some people are like anchors. If you are tied to them, you will drown." When you reach a point where you question whether a relationship or friendship is worth saving, it's a clear sign to ponder deeply. This question wouldn't arise if everything was fine. It will hurt, and the decision won’t be 100% beneficial, but if you don’t leave, you’ll always wonder what it would be like if you did. Being blessed with a soft heart doesn't mean you should place it on the road and let people walk all over it. Give some of the love to yourself that you are giving to others. Hope this helps perplexed people pleasers to their badass era.
The journaling thing is what I do in the form of a text in which I write and say EVERYTHING I’m thinking. Then, I’ve LEARNED to not send it immediately, but saving it and editing the next day, or not sending it at all.
I was a massive people pleaser and a emotional thinker because I would put other people's feelings before mine. I kept getting conned and used by people. Because I was either to trusting and didn't realise people were using me. And I had to learn that people are thinking about themselves and will like to take from people to get what they want. A lot of people are self motivated and like being in the superior position. If they see someone have something they want they want to take it for themselves. I had to learn to say no to people because people kept trying to take things from me. I had to learn a lot of people are hypocrites they would take someone else's but they would not give away anything to other people . A lot of people like to see if people are stupid enough to give them something if people are talking about money or a opportunity they would like for themselves. That's why I have learned to not to overshare and notice peoples facial expressions and tone of voice to see if they are insincere. Putting our feelings first is the best thing to do. If people show disrespect they lack respect. I have learned to ignore arrogant big mouths types they are all the same type of people. They all love to make a fool out of people. The users .takers, sarcastic people,snobby people, backstabbers, preachy people. That's why it's best no to be to polite because people can use politeness against people. If people say no they can say that's not nice. Be kind. We should do what is in our interest and just walk away if we think people are using us. We should do what is good for us
Just what I needed to hear. I am not responsible to make sure others are doing oke, I am responsible to make sure I am oke. Sadly not all people in my life agree with that and throw the most hurtful remarks when I state my boundaries. Its absolutely heartbreaking, but if I dont respect my boundaries, who will? Not them aparently. Its hard to do whats right for yourself and to not feel selfish or like a bad person.
I believe we're betraying everybody else too. It feels good to be needed, but it also is a kind of false image shown to the world of being someone super-generous, super-understanding and the perfect friend/parent/spouse. Before or later the fascade cannot be kept. Ah! So much trouble we're going through only to gain control and feel safe. Life is so short.
@@oliveludicrous Very true. It was the reason I broke up with the love of my life. She was just a facade in the end. Underneath was just a scared, hurt and hurtful little girl. Boy did it hurt.
Thank you for taking the time to make this TH-cam. I recently realized that I'm a codependent people pleaser. I've been living like this for 50 years. It hasn't been fun thanks to you and other people that have made TH-cam. I now am living a life of peace and love and joy and it started with me having a relationship with God.
Thank you, Nicole. You words, reflections and depth of understanding a person with CPTSD are truly astounding. It's like you are rummaging around in my brain, touching all the broken bits and showing a way to heal them. My BIGGEST hurdle has been and always will be not know what "healthy" looks like. I can't tell you the times I've sat here thinking "ok, I see that I developed this particular behavior as a way to feel safe, to cope, and can see how it is actually harmful to me (and to others) . So, now that I see this pattern, how do I do it differently? How do I respond, resolve conflict, & state my needs in a healthy way as I was never taught how growing up. How to view the world from the inside out instead of the outside in." That is where your work in invaluable beyond measure. It has become my North Star, my compass heading me in the right direction. Learning what healthy and whole looks like is the secret to sucess. Thanks again for leading by example.
After listening to this, I know when I feel resentment, I have given to much. Next step turns into me shaming myself for not being and doing enough. With this awareness, I am letting go of shame for not being enough …..knowing I may disappoint others sometimes and that does not make me a bad person!
After having come into a new stage in life where my life very literally depends on me learning to set boundaries, I believe the "loneliness" we feel is in actuality grief - mourning for what those relationships promised to be but never were. We've lost family and friends because they didn't want to be there or - to give them the benefit of the doubt - didn't know how.
Yay! Love this topic and your words. As a card-carrying former People Pleaser, I have changed. It wasn't easy and I lost some relationships along the way, but I know if they were based on what I did for someone else, they weren't real or healthy relationships -- they were transactions.
This is so helpful. I’m just realizing how much I was affected by my childhood and how to love myself by respecting my feelings and creating healthy boundaries. Thank you!
O.M.G. I had to go through my history to find this video so I could say Thank You!!! because these words just came out of MY mouth: "I am sorry, I don't think I can do that right now."
We were super poor growing up my dad was an abusive alcoholic who beat my mom a lot and was always angry , my mom worked so much but also was sleeping around a lot after my dad and her split , she was a good mom but she had a lot of trauma in her childhood, we lived together still it was weird I had 3 little siblings I would have to care for and cook and clean and do all the laundry, I felt so much pressure sometimes I’d have to ditch school to pickup my brother from kindergarten (there was no bus for kindergarten) and I’d walk almost 2 miles to the school and then 1 mile back to the house with him , sometimes I’d rain but I had an umbrella sometimes m dad didn’t work half the time he’d be drunk on the couch or taking a bath with a beer next to him I’d be so mad , I just remember being tired all the time
Can totally resonate.❤.. The person I had to disappoint did not accept the boundary and became verbally abusive..and offended that I had stood up for myself, but I realised I was just appeasing them to keep the peace, I didn't feel like myself etc.. In the end I had to walk away, causing further guilt, but continuing working on myself now.
Thankyou so much. I have done this my whole life and am know so drained that i cant even go to work. What happens at the highest level is that you loose everything. Your marriage, family etc. And they know you are struggling yet, the response is get on with it or they dont even check in that you are okay. Wow what a cruel set of people i have engaged with, not even an offer of there couch to sleep on or a can i help you. Thankyou for the visuals as i have your books and struggle to comprehend them at present. But these visuals help me so much. I am grateful. Blessings to you. 🙏🤗
I've turned myself into a people pleaser around my narcissistic father who always has to be the victim nothing is never his fault he's one sided on everything he loves taking advantage of & mocking me.None of my needs are never met around him.
Thank you once again for a great, informative, and insightful video. It is extremely helpful and assists in filling my toolbox. I people pleased to the point of sacrificing my very being and giving away all the positive things I had in my life that I worked hard for and rightfully earned just to get anyone to care about me. Even if they treated me like shit and were blatantly using me, I just gave and did for anyone. It backfired. I ended up getting more abused and disrespected. I’ve come a long way but it took me a very large chunk of my life. This is one of the best tutorials on how to break that habit, deal with the negative emotions that go along with doing that, and put myself first for a change. I’ve done a lot of this work, like I said but this just added to it so much in 14 mins. People pleasing and fawning are very difficult survival mechanisms and behaviors to overcome. You spelled it out so well. ❤
I have learned to think before answering and the delay has taught me more about myself and what I'm willing to give, and if what I get from it is worh it to me. People tend to manipulate you into doing things and once you're "in it" you feel stuck. Step out of the forest, look at all of the trees and remove any emotion from the situation. If this were someone else's problem and they asked you for advice, what would you tell them? Then....follow that advice.
Thank you❤ very precious helpful advice. Hope I remember to pause first and affirm I am safe to disappoint people. I take care of me.I admit it is indeed difficult to not want to escape this uncomfortable situation. Boundary setting still seems terrifying at times, still practicing. It seems like distancing and isolating is the only option left for many to avoid durther draining conflict and justification as to why your walls and red flag and bs detectors are flared up.Only animals and nature provide comfort as navigating any human interaction or worse group dynamics is becoming extremely difficult for hsp and neurodivergents and cptsd afflicted alike.
I'm glad you mentioned groups. I've recently had to leave a few groups because they had a member with an antagonistic personality style. Now that I know when I'm being treated badly, just one person can spoil the group experience for me.
I am soo grateful for you . Ever since I found that all I was doing was trying to make others feel happy, I’ve been berating myself so now I’m teaching myself to be kind and patient with myself while learning I come first and of course there is pushback but I’m sticking with the truth that I am a worthwhile person who deserves to also be made happy . Thank you Nicole❤
The highest value for my family while I was growing up was to be polite at all costs, even when people were rude to me. Also if you are aware of the greek word and virtue "filotimo" (which means the quality of saying yes when someone asks for something and to be giving) I was taught as a girl to be submissive and say yes even when I didn't want to, so as to be polite and appear as a "good person". The cost of this is huge in my adult life, as I struggle to set boundaries and feel I have to take care of everyone around me, while at the same time resenting myself for doing so. As a result I feel I can never be myself around most people and have to perform. I fear disappointing them even if they are strangers. When I started saying no and expressing my true opinion, I saw some people froze by my reaction. I find the most difficult part insisting saying no when somebody persists asking for something. Thank you for this video! It is very helpful!
I got literally sick trying to please everyone. I was pushing my boundaries to the point where I would be sleep deprived, constantly having common cold, I even had some stomach problems. That was the moment when I realised I have to finally take care of MYSELF and heal
I learned you have to love yourself as if your life depends on it! It took the death of my husband 2.5 years ago to take a long hard look at myself. I was a life long people pleaser…I made myself available to my whole family and answer ed yes all the time. I changed that at pattern…it was tough and I received a lot of push back. I did successfully set boundaries and I can report I feel so confident now that I created the space for me time.
I feel that if I do not want to watch the dog for any reason, offering to help them find someone that can, just might be trying to cover up guilt I should not be feeling because I said no.
Awareness is half of the battle. The next half is to transcend it and turn into a victory. Learning how to set boundary is an act of self-love. Traditional Asian women are taught to be subservient. That said, it's never too late. I am grateful that I found your video and learned helpful techniques that empower me to become more confident. Will revisit the video until I get it. Perfect timing! Thank you!
Dear Dr Nicole, 💖💐 You truly are blessed to know, having experienced or learnt in any other way, what you know & feel and be able to articulate it so well so any one who feels/acts this way or knows some one, can easily understand and learn to deal with it in their journey. In our part of the world, Sri Lanka, amidst all the suffering due to corruption & self serving policy, we would not be able to ever afford the luxury of having a one on one meeting with you so this is the next best thing & it is so helpful. Wishing you the best of health ❤ May you go from strength to strength You have the blessings of all the people you touch & assist in healing 🙏
I grew up with emotionally unavailable guardians all my life i struggled to get their attention i don't know how it feels to be loved to be cared for to be treasured at young age i was taking care of my guardian kids whilest i needed that care aswell this led me to be a people pleaser😢
Wife here...Because of spiritual beliefs, I thought I had to do, pay or fix because he was my husband. He ended up brutally abandoning me in the woods. Took money. Broke all snow mobiles and other expensive items. Ran away with all I bought. Never looked back. Called me a narc. ..is when I started learning
My greatest gift in life is having 2 people in my life that are recovering people pleasers like me. It is a joy to hear....."If you can or want to and No is ok. Will you......." I can say No without even a gut feeling of guilt because they truely have consideration for who I am and how I feel. Generally their request is to watch the grandchild or grand dog which I can not refuse as that is a dose of fun and unconditional Love to fill me up. Who refuses pure organic medicine?
I am doing better with saying no, but I have a few people in my life who will not hear the no AT ALL and keep asking the same thing over and over again (for hours) and it's exhausting. How do I get them to listen the first time and stop asking? I had someone proposition me with something I wasn't interested in. I said "probably not, but let me think about it." The next 3 hours of conversation was them trying to force my hand into the decision they wanted for me (that only really benefited them.) Also what is that behavior called that they're doing?
sometimes you have to limit the amount of times people call you. if i didn’t set that boundary, the needy person in my life would have called me all day.
What a wonderful community, i feel less alone :) there is a another channel on TH-cam-do it on the dime, about dollar store. The owner of this channel in the end of eah video gives viewers a virtual hug and says -you are enough.. every time i listen to this message -i cry .....😢😢😢
Does this extend beyond saying yes to stuff? Like I find it really hard to say anything to my cleaner, when she misses things / does a bad job / on her phone all the time etc 😑
@@aaronjohn6586 I totally get it, just find it really hard to say something 😑 ridiculous because I don't need her to like me and if she's upset then I can get another cleaner... But I feel sick whenever I try to say something
@@the.toxic.phoenixWhen you feel like this then it's a sign that's she's not a good one for you. Usually our people pleasing mode kicks in when we feel anxious around someone. That person would have triggered our past parental wounds. So take this as an opportunity to stand up for yourself. I please people whom I don't like coz I am scared that they would hurt me if I am not nice to them. So, everytime I have this urge to please, it's a sign that I should limit my contact with this person or in the case of a cleaner, should throw them out. This is what I personally experienced. Your experience might be completely different from mine. But I guess you would have got an idea.
@@luckycharm1212 you've hit the nail on the head, she says things that upset me, and she's in an abusive relationship that she tells me about and it triggers me... I found it hard to talk to my previous cleaner, but nothing like this, because she was kind and listened to me. I think I've kept her this long because I feel sorry for her, but it's not good for me and she's not doing what I need done... I know I chat nervously around the gardener/Handyman (I'm disabled, not rich) but I think it's just cos he's a man who strongly resembles my ex...
I hate being this way. My landlord will evict me if I don't do everything he says even tho not my duties as a renter (on month to month). He's old n nasty but yet here I am cutting grass on my dime n weeding n being told my best isn't good enough. *But I have NO where to go
I've noticed i always say yes when someone ask if i can do something for them without knowing what the thing before saying yes so i started to ask what the the thing is before saying yes
How do you deal with the voice and the real feeling that after saying no and set a boundary, you have 'sinned' or done something terribly wrong? Like you're a bad person and the CONVINCING voice that you are; so that you can't even 'enjoy' the space from having said no, and wonder if you should've said 'yes' instead?
1. I am Safe to disappoint peaple
2. I can NOT be everything to everyone
3. I take Care of Me.
It is safe for me to say No.
I don't need a reason to say No.
Other people can handle their emotions. I am not responsible for other people's emotions.
I'm safe.
Damn straight. If you say what you want to say and live the life you want to live, it is impossible to please everyone. The only way to make everyone happy is to compromise yourself in the process.
Thank you!
Sadly as a People Pleaser, I found out that if you "save the day" enough times. Others end up expecting you to "save the day" every time....... Thank You for the info!!
And when you don’t, they suddenly keep saying you’re unreliable even if it happened once. BUT - it’s either they or you who is happy. And you should live life for you in the end. ❤
They can choose how they can take the situation too, and if they are suffering because of that, it’s on themselves tbh.
Yep.
WELL SAID!!!! 👍👏👏👏😊
Yes, they are "entitled" to it.
Yep!
"The more you please them, the more they depend on you." I learned this the hard way. 😮💨
And sometimes we co-create the needy monsters some of them end up becoming.
Exactly! They expect you to drop everything for them. It's a constant sacrifice for you only.
The more they take advantage of of you which basically means they’ve no respect for you😡
More important is when you do more for others, more you depend on them. You can not change others, so is just to work with yourself, it’s your issue and dependance, as a cope strategy, so it’s good news that you can change it
@@realhealing7802Yes, and it is never reciprocated.
“Let them feel whatever.”
😂 Yes their feeling are not our responsibility
I was taught as a female in a large male family that the guys were patted on the back for setting boundaries. The female's were shamed for being selfish!! I grew up being a people pleaser. Now I know better.
In childhood, I had to do all I could to please my mother, even at my own emotional expense. If I didn't, she could erupt in anger. So now, I struggle with thinking of myself and my own feelings. In every interaction, I feel a need to be who others want or need me to be.
I relate to that. I am 51 now and learning to be me. Getting to know myself, the girl I could have been from the beginning. So happy I am learning how 🥰
Same story here. I could never be enough or do enough. She wanted me to sacrifice my soul. I had to go low contact to save my mental health and physical health.
Same here Gods love and the church where Gods spirit is helps me.
No one talks about how lonely it is to say no. People expect you to sacrifice yourself for their gain and if you say no, they stop talking to you. Why does no one ever talk about this?!
Good Point ! They ALSO Don't Talk about how when you need help....No one Cares! OR they want to be paid when you helped them for FREE!!!!
Yeah and when I got sick no one was there for me, the system broke down. Can be super lonely when you let go of the old and the new is not established
To find the people that you can trust is difficult. Discerment is an artform that very few masters. Do not help people if they do not ask you to, and if they ignore you do not give them energy. Being unavailable attracts people, looking for heroes makes everybody run away.
Like my boyfriend. He "asked" if we could get this dog that is still young, untrained, and has a biting and potty issue. I said no. He got mad and fought with me about it. I told him ,"it wasnt really a yes or no question was it?" He got the dog anyway. Then apologizes AFTERWORDS, over text instead of face to face.
I find that the people who benefited from your lack of boundaries may indeed be very disappointed/disapproving or exit your life. That is quite lonely and painful at first, but it also opens up space for healthier people. To me, the worst loneliness is abandoning yourself in order to please others who don’t care about you as much as what you can do for them.
I've learned that saying no to others when I used to say yes all the time has made me more enemies than friends. I get more grief trying to care for myself, which I was not allowed to do EVER, instead of dropping everything and helping someone work on their crisis -- knowing that I would not get that same respect back.
Finished with that. People are just going to have to get mad and be disappointed. I'm working on not feeling intense shame and guilt for not helping. It's still really difficult.
Thank you, Nicole.
I am also dealing with this to. I had to learn to let some of these people go and be okay with . I was just so tired of the cycle and always the one upset .
FK EM 😂
@@Datb2 FIST BUMP
@@watchingthewaves1 Yes, I feel that too. Exhausted being stuck in the endless cycle and being the one upset while they didn't give a rip, while they did something else unreasonable that we had to put up with. No more!
Internet hugs to you. Eventually we will get there, and we will let their emotions stay with them and not let their emotions affect us.
I think that those who would shift to being enemies when we need to say no in order to tend to our own well-being...aren't really friends. A true friend might feel disappointed that you couldn't help them with something, but ultimately wouldn't want you to do anything you didn't feel comfortable and available to do.
I call it Captain Save a hoe. I’ve struggled with this for my whole life. I know it’s because I felt abandonment from my mom, but I hate that I always put all my energy to others, and never put that energy on myself. I’m learning thanks to you! ❤
“Don’t save her, she don’t want to be saved.”
@@-astrangerontheinternet6687 words of wisdom!!!
Is it always a hoe?
Maybe you're really helping and changing these women, even if they never realized it at the moment.
Everything u have done will accumulate and come BK to you. Remain kind in this cruel world
Omg! I feel this 100%
& those are not there for you! Like,ever. So ita just you giving& giving,....
Very helpful video. Thank you! People pleasing often overwhelms me, and to get relief I end up cutting people out of my life. Instead of having proper boundaries in the first place.
Me too 😢
Fucking same man.. haven't watched yet but glad to see comments saying this has been helpful, especially from people who've shared similar experiences 🙏🏾
Me too!!! It is so hard.. Some times I feel overwhelmed. But I am praying and asking God to give me the strength to love myself and take care of my personal needs
@love 1011….then I bring them back into my life then get kicked in the teeth….this happed two days ago with a demanding emotionally manipulating friend, saw the signs but allowed her to get away with it …..no more!
'I am safe to disappoint people' made my mind exlode (in a good way 😊). THIS is exactly what my people pleasing tendency is rooted in. The negative impact people pleasing has had for me is that the resentment builds up until I have an episode of explosive anger and end up harming the relationships I am so afraid of losing. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing your wisdom Dr. Nicole. ❤
I can always tell if I've been over-people pleasing, when it starts to feel like a one-way street, especially when I start setting boundaries with clients or in relationships, and they give me a hard time about it!!
Over the past 20 years, I've been on a people-pleasing journey, constantly trying to gain approval from others. A massive change in my life forced me to self-reflect, and I realized some hard truths.
No matter what you do for certain people, they will always hate you and never change their minds about you. People-pleasing often leads to tons of disrespect that you tolerate just because they are your friends and family.
Just like in the story of the man and the donkey, sometimes over-caring leads to self-destruction or the destruction of something valuable.Just like Harvey said, "When they know you care, they will walk all over you".I'm not saying don't care but sometimes you should care enough for yourself to walk away from relationships that are not worth saving.
When you don't matter to certain people, you try to give them more. Once they realize you're not going to leave no matter what they do, they will never change.
"Some people are like anchors. If you are tied to them, you will drown."
When you reach a point where you question whether a relationship or friendship is worth saving, it's a clear sign to ponder deeply. This question wouldn't arise if everything was fine. It will hurt, and the decision won’t be 100% beneficial, but if you don’t leave, you’ll always wonder what it would be like if you did.
Being blessed with a soft heart doesn't mean you should place it on the road and let people walk all over it. Give some of the love to yourself that you are giving to others.
Hope this helps perplexed people pleasers to their badass era.
The journaling thing is what I do in the form of a text in which I write and say EVERYTHING I’m thinking. Then, I’ve LEARNED to not send it immediately, but saving it and editing the next day, or not sending it at all.
That’s genuis
I was a massive people pleaser and a emotional thinker because I would put other people's feelings before mine. I kept getting conned and used by people. Because I was either to trusting and didn't realise people were using me. And I had to learn that people are thinking about themselves and will like to take from people to get what they want. A lot of people are self motivated and like being in the superior position. If they see someone have something they want they want to take it for themselves. I had to learn to say no to people because people kept trying to take things from me. I had to learn a lot of people are hypocrites they would take someone else's but they would not give away anything to other people . A lot of people like to see if people are stupid enough to give them something if people are talking about money or a opportunity they would like for themselves. That's why I have learned to not to overshare and notice peoples facial expressions and tone of voice to see if they are insincere. Putting our feelings first is the best thing to do. If people show disrespect they lack respect. I have learned to ignore arrogant big mouths types they are all the same type of people. They all love to make a fool out of people. The users .takers, sarcastic people,snobby people, backstabbers, preachy people. That's why it's best no to be to polite because people can use politeness against people. If people say no they can say that's not nice. Be kind. We should do what is in our interest and just walk away if we think people are using us. We should do what is good for us
Been there!!!
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"How do I feel? What do I feel? What do I need?" THIS🎯🎯🎯
Just what I needed to hear. I am not responsible to make sure others are doing oke, I am responsible to make sure I am oke. Sadly not all people in my life agree with that and throw the most hurtful remarks when I state my boundaries. Its absolutely heartbreaking, but if I dont respect my boundaries, who will? Not them aparently. Its hard to do whats right for yourself and to not feel selfish or like a bad person.
First 30s is the best description of this I've heard so far I think. We betray ourselves.
I believe we're betraying everybody else too. It feels good to be needed, but it also is a kind of false image shown to the world of being someone super-generous, super-understanding and the perfect friend/parent/spouse. Before or later the fascade cannot be kept. Ah! So much trouble we're going through only to gain control and feel safe. Life is so short.
@@oliveludicrous Very true. It was the reason I broke up with the love of my life. She was just a facade in the end. Underneath was just a scared, hurt and hurtful little girl. Boy did it hurt.
"We cannot be everything to everyone. We will disappoint the ones we love the most. This is part of being human."
I love this point too
Thank you for taking the time to make this TH-cam. I recently realized that I'm a codependent people pleaser. I've been living like this for 50 years. It hasn't been fun thanks to you and other people that have made TH-cam. I now am living a life of peace and love and joy and it started with me having a relationship with God.
Thank you, Nicole. You words, reflections and depth of understanding a person with CPTSD are truly astounding.
It's like you are rummaging around in my brain, touching all the broken bits and showing a way to heal them.
My BIGGEST hurdle has been and always will be not know what "healthy" looks like. I can't tell you the times I've sat here thinking "ok, I see that I developed this particular behavior as a way to feel safe, to cope, and can see how it is actually harmful to me (and to others) . So, now that I see this pattern, how do I do it differently? How do I respond, resolve conflict, & state my needs in a healthy way as I was never taught how growing up. How to view the world from the inside out instead of the outside in."
That is where your work in invaluable beyond measure. It has become my North Star, my compass heading me in the right direction. Learning what healthy and whole looks like is the secret to sucess. Thanks again for leading by example.
This has been the best lesson on people pleasing I have seen. Never too late, thankyou 💓
After listening to this, I know when I feel resentment, I have given to much. Next step turns into me shaming myself for not being and doing
enough. With this awareness, I am letting go of shame for not being enough …..knowing I may disappoint others sometimes and that does not make me a bad person!
After having come into a new stage in life where my life very literally depends on me learning to set boundaries, I believe the "loneliness" we feel is in actuality grief - mourning for what those relationships promised to be but never were. We've lost family and friends because they didn't want to be there or - to give them the benefit of the doubt - didn't know how.
Yay! Love this topic and your words. As a card-carrying former People Pleaser, I have changed. It wasn't easy and I lost some relationships along the way, but I know if they were based on what I did for someone else, they weren't real or healthy relationships -- they were transactions.
This is so helpful. I’m just realizing how much I was affected by my childhood and how to love myself by respecting my feelings and creating healthy boundaries. Thank you!
O.M.G. I had to go through my history to find this video so I could say Thank You!!! because these words just came out of MY mouth:
"I am sorry, I don't think I can do that right now."
We were super poor growing up my dad was an abusive alcoholic who beat my mom a lot and was always angry , my mom worked so much but also was sleeping around a lot after my dad and her split , she was a good mom but she had a lot of trauma in her childhood, we lived together still it was weird I had 3 little siblings I would have to care for and cook and clean and do all the laundry, I felt so much pressure sometimes I’d have to ditch school to pickup my brother from kindergarten (there was no bus for kindergarten) and I’d walk almost 2 miles to the school and then 1 mile back to the house with him , sometimes I’d rain but I had an umbrella sometimes m dad didn’t work half the time he’d be drunk on the couch or taking a bath with a beer next to him I’d be so mad , I just remember being tired all the time
I hope you better today 🙏😔
I am hearing that song by "Linkin Park" called "Breaking the Habit" right now!! I'm breaking the habit of people pleasing!
Appreciate how you sight examples in your videos and shorts. Stop, Look, Listen.
Can totally resonate.❤.. The person I had to disappoint did not accept the boundary and became verbally abusive..and offended that I had stood up for myself, but I realised I was just appeasing them to keep the peace, I didn't feel like myself etc.. In the end I had to walk away, causing further guilt, but continuing working on myself now.
Thankyou so much. I have done this my whole life and am know so drained that i cant even go to work. What happens at the highest level is that you loose everything. Your marriage, family etc. And they know you are struggling yet, the response is get on with it or they dont even check in that you are okay. Wow what a cruel set of people i have engaged with, not even an offer of there couch to sleep on or a can i help you. Thankyou for the visuals as i have your books and struggle to comprehend them at present. But these visuals help me so much. I am grateful. Blessings to you. 🙏🤗
I’ve suffered from this most of my life! But I’m excited to try this going forward! Thank you! Many blessings.
I've turned myself into a people pleaser around my narcissistic father who always has to be the victim nothing is never his fault he's one sided on everything he loves taking advantage of & mocking me.None of my needs are never met around him.
Thank you once again for a great, informative, and insightful video. It is extremely helpful and assists in filling my toolbox. I people pleased to the point of sacrificing my very being and giving away all the positive things I had in my life that I worked hard for and rightfully earned just to get anyone to care about me. Even if they treated me like shit and were blatantly using me, I just gave and did for anyone. It backfired. I ended up getting more abused and disrespected. I’ve come a long way but it took me a very large chunk of my life. This is one of the best tutorials on how to break that habit, deal with the negative emotions that go along with doing that, and put myself first for a change. I’ve done a lot of this work, like I said but this just added to it so much in 14 mins. People pleasing and fawning are very difficult survival mechanisms and behaviors to overcome. You spelled it out so well. ❤
I’ve had an issue with people pleasing my whole life and I’m finally starting to break out of it at the end of my 30s
I have learned to think before answering and the delay has taught me more about myself and what I'm willing to give, and if what I get from it is worh it to me. People tend to manipulate you into doing things and once you're "in it" you feel stuck.
Step out of the forest, look at all of the trees and remove any emotion from the situation.
If this were someone else's problem and they asked you for advice, what would you tell them? Then....follow that advice.
Thank you❤ very precious helpful advice. Hope I remember to pause first and affirm I am safe to disappoint people. I take care of me.I admit it is indeed difficult to not want to escape this uncomfortable situation. Boundary setting still seems terrifying at times, still practicing. It seems like distancing and isolating is the only option left for many to avoid durther draining conflict and justification as to why your walls and red flag and bs detectors are flared up.Only animals and nature provide comfort as navigating any human interaction or worse group dynamics is becoming extremely difficult for hsp and neurodivergents and cptsd afflicted alike.
@bandekhodah I'm right there with you! As an hsp with CPTSD and not being neuro typical being out in nature is my favorite place.
I'm glad you mentioned groups. I've recently had to leave a few groups because they had a member with an antagonistic personality style. Now that I know when I'm being treated badly, just one person can spoil the group experience for me.
You are awesome Dr H 🙏🏻
I also really appreciate the YT shorts that reassure me every time that I'm not just making this up 💞
I am soo grateful for you . Ever since I found that all I was doing was trying to make others feel happy, I’ve been berating myself so now I’m teaching myself to be kind and patient with myself while learning I come first and of course there is pushback but I’m sticking with the truth that I am a worthwhile person who deserves to also be made happy . Thank you Nicole❤
The highest value for my family while I was growing up was to be polite at all costs, even when people were rude to me. Also if you are aware of the greek word and virtue "filotimo" (which means the quality of saying yes when someone asks for something and to be giving) I was taught as a girl to be submissive and say yes even when I didn't want to, so as to be polite and appear as a "good person". The cost of this is huge in my adult life, as I struggle to set boundaries and feel I have to take care of everyone around me, while at the same time resenting myself for doing so. As a result I feel I can never be myself around most people and have to perform. I fear disappointing them even if they are strangers. When I started saying no and expressing my true opinion, I saw some people froze by my reaction. I find the most difficult part insisting saying no when somebody persists asking for something.
Thank you for this video! It is very helpful!
I got literally sick trying to please everyone. I was pushing my boundaries to the point where I would be sleep deprived, constantly having common cold, I even had some stomach problems. That was the moment when I realised I have to finally take care of MYSELF and heal
Love this format for sharing your teaching! Much easier to take in the information this way! Thanks so much for a fantastic video!
I learned you have to love yourself as if your life depends on it! It took the death of my husband 2.5 years ago to take a long hard look at myself. I was a life long people pleaser…I made myself available to my whole family and answer ed yes all the time. I changed that at pattern…it was tough and I received a lot of push back. I did successfully set boundaries and I can report I feel so confident now that I created the space for me time.
I feel that if I do not want to watch the dog for any reason, offering to help them find someone that can, just might be trying to cover up guilt I should not be feeling because I said no.
"I am safe to disappoint people
I cannot be everything to everyone
I take care of me "
Stop people pleasing cause people cant be pleased
I can’t thank you enough for this useful practices 🙏💜💜💜
Thank you Nicole! I am crying in a good way ❤
Awareness is half of the battle. The next half is to transcend it and turn into a victory. Learning how to set boundary is an act of self-love. Traditional Asian women are taught to be subservient. That said, it's never too late. I am grateful that I found your video and learned helpful techniques that empower me to become more confident. Will revisit the video until I get it. Perfect timing! Thank you!
Dear Dr Nicole, 💖💐
You truly are blessed to know, having experienced or learnt in any other way, what you know & feel and be able to articulate it so well so any one who feels/acts this way or knows some one, can easily understand and learn to deal with it in their journey.
In our part of the world, Sri Lanka, amidst all the suffering due to corruption & self serving policy, we would not be able to ever afford the luxury of having a one on one meeting with you so this is the next best thing & it is so helpful.
Wishing you the best of health ❤
May you go from strength to strength
You have the blessings of all the people you touch & assist in healing 🙏
She is EXCELLENT
Thanks so much, Nicole 🙏 Great advice!
Your hair looks greater than usual today 😊
Learning different behavior is never easy! Great advice & helps you stay true to yourself!❤❤
It does take time to reroute our neural pathways
Thank you
Greetings from Germany
I love listening to you. You are so soothing haha
I love you and your work. You have helped me SO much. Thank you!!!
🙏🏽Thank you! (Listen from Sweden)
Problem is, my career in entertainment was based on that. And i loved it.
I grew up with emotionally unavailable guardians all my life i struggled to get their attention i don't know how it feels to be loved to be cared for to be treasured at young age i was taking care of my guardian kids whilest i needed that care aswell this led me to be a people pleaser😢
Wife here...Because of spiritual beliefs, I thought I had to do, pay or fix because he was my husband. He ended up brutally abandoning me in the woods. Took money. Broke all snow mobiles and other expensive items. Ran away with all I bought. Never looked back. Called me a narc. ..is when I started learning
Pleasing others does not keep me safe---it causes me to betray myself.
My greatest gift in life is having 2 people in my life that are recovering people pleasers like me. It is a joy to hear....."If you can or want to and No is ok. Will you......." I can say No without even a gut feeling of guilt because they truely have consideration for who I am and how I feel. Generally their request is to watch the grandchild or grand dog which I can not refuse as that is a dose of fun and unconditional Love to fill me up. Who refuses pure organic medicine?
I am doing better with saying no, but I have a few people in my life who will not hear the no AT ALL and keep asking the same thing over and over again (for hours) and it's exhausting. How do I get them to listen the first time and stop asking? I had someone proposition me with something I wasn't interested in. I said "probably not, but let me think about it." The next 3 hours of conversation was them trying to force my hand into the decision they wanted for me (that only really benefited them.) Also what is that behavior called that they're doing?
Love your video class-type explanations so so helpful and easy to remember. I recpmend you everytime I can
sometimes you have to limit the amount of times people call you. if i didn’t set that boundary, the needy person in my life would have called me all day.
What a wonderful community, i feel less alone :) there is a another channel on TH-cam-do it on the dime, about dollar store. The owner of this channel in the end of eah video gives viewers a virtual hug and says -you are enough.. every time i listen to this message -i cry
.....😢😢😢
Does this extend beyond saying yes to stuff? Like I find it really hard to say anything to my cleaner, when she misses things / does a bad job / on her phone all the time etc 😑
Yep, it's a job not a relationship, would your employer tolerate what she is doing if you did it? So, your choice to tolerate her behavior or not.
@@aaronjohn6586 I totally get it, just find it really hard to say something 😑 ridiculous because I don't need her to like me and if she's upset then I can get another cleaner... But I feel sick whenever I try to say something
Yeah it the same thing. You are placing the feelings/ needs of someone else over your own.
@@the.toxic.phoenixWhen you feel like this then it's a sign that's she's not a good one for you. Usually our people pleasing mode kicks in when we feel anxious around someone. That person would have triggered our past parental wounds. So take this as an opportunity to stand up for yourself. I please people whom I don't like coz I am scared that they would hurt me if I am not nice to them. So, everytime I have this urge to please, it's a sign that I should limit my contact with this person or in the case of a cleaner, should throw them out. This is what I personally experienced. Your experience might be completely different from mine. But I guess you would have got an idea.
@@luckycharm1212 you've hit the nail on the head, she says things that upset me, and she's in an abusive relationship that she tells me about and it triggers me... I found it hard to talk to my previous cleaner, but nothing like this, because she was kind and listened to me. I think I've kept her this long because I feel sorry for her, but it's not good for me and she's not doing what I need done... I know I chat nervously around the gardener/Handyman (I'm disabled, not rich) but I think it's just cos he's a man who strongly resembles my ex...
I’m ready.
Great video!!!
I was everything to every one..... Didn't work. Save your energy!
The problem is, I never know what I want to do
Thank you ❤
Thank you for the video!
I needed this🙏😢
How to procede when you say you need time and space to reflect and people start instantly to pressure you instead ?
I hate being this way. My landlord will evict me if I don't do everything he says even tho not my duties as a renter (on month to month). He's old n nasty but yet here I am cutting grass on my dime n weeding n being told my best isn't good enough.
*But I have NO where to go
Thanks for also using DBT skills as well.
My mom colled me everyday and if I didn't answer she was med at me. "Why didn't you aswer?
Sometimes I fall in some manipulation or I feel anxious after I say no, and I blocked the feeling but it still here
Thank you
Does liking feeling needed fall under the same category?
Thank you 🙏🌹
Why are people not able to listen without carrying the other person's heaviness???
Thanks so much 😊
but if I say no, because I really don't want to do it, or I can't do it at the moment I feel so guilty. I feel guilty for feeling what I feel.
Ia being an empath the same wirh being a people pleaser?
so how do you know your true feelings when you’ve spent fifty yrs bein a people pleaser! 😢
I've noticed i always say yes when someone ask if i can do something for them without knowing what the thing before saying yes so i started to ask what the the thing is before saying yes
How do you deal with the voice and the real feeling that after saying no and set a boundary, you have 'sinned' or done something terribly wrong? Like you're a bad person and the CONVINCING voice that you are; so that you can't even 'enjoy' the space from having said no, and wonder if you should've said 'yes' instead?
God does not judge us like that. He knows our heart. And we need to be practical because we are living on this earth 🌎 and people are evil
00:00 - What is people pleasing?
04:30 - Create Space
05:43 - Set Boundaries
08:50 - Self Soothe
People pleasing..makes me think if the way people behave to obey government
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The hair.. Jennifer Anniston in Y2K. Outdated. I disappoint people daily with my bluntness but I'm ok with it now.
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