How Far Is Too Far To Go When Dating? | Jefferson & Alyssa Bethke
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When you are dating it's best to remember that the person is first and foremost not your boyfriend or girlfriend, but someone else's future spouse. Living with that idea will allow you to honor them physically.
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Alyssa & I had a blast with our two live streams we did earlier this year. We thought we'd change it up a little, and make them shorter videos with better video quality and answer one of your questions for each video! Feel free to leave questions or suggestions on dating, relationships, temptations, etc in the comment section. We hope this particular one is a blessing and leads you to dating more intentionally which can drastically change your relationship. I know it did for me! We love y'all! You can also shoot us questions on our social media below!
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I'm currently an atheist, but a subscriber. You are so convincing with your confidence. You have a gift to allow blind people to see. You deserve your beautiful wife, your beautiful life. You're doing God's work, and you're awesome. You are helping me find myself, and I appreciate it. I hope we end up on the same side one day.
I just want to thank you for this comment. not because you're taking my side or another, but because of the positivity. thanks
God Bless you!
+Dom'sDominatingGaming God Bless you for you story! Thank you!
👍👍👍👍👍
👍👍👍👍👍
The way she looks at him.. #GOALS
Took the words right out my mouth lol.
The way he looks at God #GOALS
sex is obviously a lot more pleasurable when a man and a women become one flesh and are united in Christ.sustaining from sexual relations in this corrupted world where the antichrist spirit is moving rampant and doctrines of demons are deceing people is very hard,but with the guidance of Gods spirit i will preserve myself and wait for God to reveal my bride.
i'm very impatient,but Gods timing is perfect,amen?
Well said!
When you feel down or you feel like you are struggling, give it to the Lord and He will sustain you! He is better than anything on earth :) God bless!
KahlaWolf i didn't even see this comment brother,but amen and may the spirit of God guide you into all truth and comfort you on this walk
amen
He made some incredible points "They're someone else's future husband or wife" Wow, I never thought of it like that, it's kind of depressing and exciting at the same time :/
Your Homie yeah. the fact that someone is out there for me is pretty thrilling.
God is using this young man in a mighty way!
Morongwa Olifant gods not real
Willster why are you even on here if you don't belive in god
Dj Akademiks Son cause it's fun
amen
@willster I pray that God will soften your heart and that you will experience an encounter with Him. God is real and wether you except him or not He still loves you. Look out your window you can see God's hand in creation
NEW VIDEO! How far is too far? Hope it encourages you guys!
Thanks Jeff and Alyssa!
Jeff, I love what you're doing. *And* why don't you say "mhmm" and "yeah" in your head instead of out loud? ;)
Good stuff sir
awsome ur really helpful .... thanks so much !!!!!!
This is the way everyone should understand friendship and relationships... Keep it up guys. I wish my wife and I could be there telling our story with you guys!
I think that just the fact that someone asks "How far is too far?" says something. It's like that person is willing to go on the edge of their boundaries without crossing it. They're willing to put themselves in a situation where they'll be tempted, but not give in to that temptation. And that's scary. We need to try to do everything we can to not put ourselves in a place where we'll be tempted, and if that is physically bit possible, we need to be praying and praying nonstop. God will give you the strength😊❤️
Eden Grey Amen
+Izz G I think it depends on the heart of the person asking--if they're asking because they want to have a list of "dos" and "don'ts" then no, their heart isn't in the right place. If they're asking because they're not clear on what is sexual sin and what isn't, then I would say the question is fine. For me, I began asking that question because I wasn't clear on what it meant to be sexually impure--I knew sex didn't belong outside of marriage, but there were other things that weren't sex that were still not pure outside of marriage. My conclusion was eventually that one should stay away from anything that ignites sexual desire--to avoid any temptation at all. So if you can kiss without feeling tempted? Great. Just make sure your partner is the same way. If you can't, though, then stay as far away from that as possible. Just my two cents :)
That's so true, I agree with you :)
Izz G Yeaahahh😂😅😅
Izzy Wow, this is so true. I really like the way you said that. A lot of people get tempted the easiest when they set up boundaries, but constantly want to go near them.
Alyssa...you are just glowing!!! So beautiful!
aww the way she looks at him with so much admiration
Thanks guys! Secular world doesn’t enjoy how you both are modest and respect each other. Nothing wrong with being humble...
your relationship truly inspires me.
Most of the problem for me personally is struggling with patience. In our sexual, instant gratifying culture it can be hard to watch your friends move faster than you and be in relationships when you're sitting around trying to do the right thing and be patient. I know God has a plan and I trust it, but the struggle is there sometimes and it can be hard to keep that calm patience when it comes to dating.
Yes, totally! Especially when it doesn't seem like the physical/sexual contact is hurting their relationship and they have a successful relationship. That confuses me...makes me think that relationships where you do or have gone too far can still work.
Sara Katherine
I think for me it's not necessarily that it makes it seem like it still works, but it's frustrating because it seems like that is what you have to do to even get a relationship these days. If you don't have sex after 3-5 dates good luck finding a boyfriend willing to wait long enough to establish a decent relationship.
It helps if you make a list of promises to yourself (and to Jesus)! Promises that start with "I promise to..." or "I promise to not..." I have my own list, and it really, really helps keep me on the path I wish to travel towards Jesus. :)
kattwin1
That's not a bad idea :)
Sara Katherine Are you starting to realize that sex is not nearly as bad as some would have you believe? Just remember that the bible was written thousands of years ago in a society with a very different set of values. (This why the bible contains some bizarre rules like abstaining from shellfish, or not being allowed to wear mixed fabrics).
I'm sure God is much more concerned about how you treat others, rather than who you have consensual sex with.
When I saw this video I remember my experiences how big is the devil's lie about temptation, he catches you in lie, how sweet is to touch and kiss your girl, and then after that you realize you've been deceived and you no more have that awesome feeling but you feel guilty.
Trust the God's word guys, it'll never never let you down.
When I date someone, I know that I want to lay out my boundaries early on in the relationship so we don't have to wait for the moment of temptation to make a decision. I think courting couples should have clear and fair boundaries set early that they both agree on and that work for them (like "should we kiss on the lips? etc.). Couples should have a clear understanding of how eachother operate and where they are tempted so they can avoid tempting eachother and making things complicated.
Steven, that is a GREAT way to avoid getting yourself into a place you can't get out of! And it'll help BIG TIME to have a partner who agrees with you and agrees with the boundaries the BOTH of you have set up TOGETHER. My sister is a Christian whose boyfriend doesn't see why sex before marriage is a bad idea, and it is VERY hard for her to keep him (and herself) from going too far. Despite her firm convictions, it seems she's the only one with boundaries while he's going/doing whatever he wants, free as a bird. And, since she cares deeply for him, she finds it hard not to follow him where he leads her. Though he said he wouldn't do anything she doesn't want him to do, it's not fair that she's the only one in the relationship with any boundaries. It's very difficult for her, and it causes me deep pain to see her in the situation, and that I'm unable to help. Anyway, my point is, go into your relationship with wisdom and boundaries, and it'll be easier for you to avoid temptation. Watch for those warning signs that temptation is or may come knocking, and do your best to avoid a head-on collision. I read comments like yours and I think there is still hope for the relationships of the world! God bless!
kattwin1
Thanks.
Yea, I guess I'm lucky that I have had a lot of guidance on how to persue relationships wisely. I actually haven't had a girlfriend yet (not in a rush) so I assume it's more difficult in practice, but when the time comes I'll try to make things go well the way I believe it should.
And I think it's important to stress that the guidelines I'm talking about aren't to make people feel restricted or frustrated, they're to create clear communication and to eliminate complication. If both people understand eachothers' boundaries upfront and promise to be conscious of them, then hopefully that should avoid a lot of unwanted situations where someone steps over an invisible line. There shouldn't be invisible boundaries, they should be talked about very early on in the relationship, if not at the dating proposal itself.
Well said!
Steven Bowser Really good advice thanks
Truee.. Like temptations will always be there but I guess we should just learn how to focus on other things. Nvr been in a relationship as well and I still believe in God's time so right now the righr thing to do is to wait. And in this season I learned a lot, I believe God is preparing me for something great in the future. I've purchased this book entitled I kissed dating goodbye by Joshua Harris, It's a christian book which talks about relationships, dating, and so in a christian's perspective and it really helps.
This is a really good video. I have never thought of some of the points that Jefferson made. Especially about thinking of your GIrlfriend as someone else's wife. It really makes sense. This is seriously gonna help me with future relationships! Thank you!
Justin Greene why cause you won't have sex? That sounds pretty shot to me
Thank you guys so much for speaking up, I agree 100% don't put yourself in compromising, situations, be honest with yourself. I haven't slept with any of the women I've dated in over 10 years now and it's so good to keep those friendships as well as respect for myself, there is no anger, shame, resentment, or self-hate on either side Praise God!
You know, that really is one great reason for not having sex before marriage. Of ALL the reasons out there to remain a virgin, and to remain pure, the fact that a sexless relationship = less baggage after the relationship ends is a HUGE plus!! Besides, that reason is something non-Christians could probably understand / relate to. I have never had sex in any relationships, either, and I can say with 100% honesty I am not weighed down by shame or regret. I have held onto my dignity, my purity, and my promises to myself, Jesus, and whoever my husband may someday be. I respect myself, and I am proud of myself. :) Praise God!!
kattwin1 Praise God for your commitment to The Lord
Very well said, I love the thought of thinking of them as potentially someone else's husband. :)
Alyssa loves you. I love how she looks and agrees with you so much. Equally yoked at its best.
Good word Fam.
Just on a funny side note, Alyssa's sweater matched the pillows. Lol
I reeally wish these videos were around when i was younger. I struggle with shame just like u jeff and past hurt that couldve been avoided had i been closer to God and had discussions about these things. My question is How do you have any honest conversation with someone you have gone down that route with about stopping the behavior n being close to christ
Show/explain to them that Christ must be the center of your lives - which includes His teaching through the Bible as to all things including marriage and sex.
Please don't feel shame about something that is so natural.
Hey guys! You can get my audiobook for free right now when u sign up for free trial at jeffbethke.com/audible
YESSSS
Isaura Comas
"Wrong question" is so the right answer! Wish I had heard this as a teen. So much sense in this video. Sweet.
I'm so please to see that there is some young people out there who is willing to live and date the way God want us to live. lets hope that these video will encourage young people to learn what God want them to do and how to do it ,God has a standard of living for all of us but we have been so brain wash by this corrupt society that we think everything is permissive no one belong to himself Jesus went through a cruel death to redeem all of us and because of that we should respect each other and have God always in our life to protect ourself from temptation....without him we can do nothing says the lord
you're a natural speaker, very powerful words here.
I'm 17 and I wish so badly that I would've been taught or guided this way before, not that my family didn't try to guide me in the right direction, because they did, but there are so many temptations in the world. And I'm so glad that there are people like you two in this world that are really trying to enlighten people on these things and guide them in the right direction when it comes to relationships. Only God knows where I would be if I had had the help you're giving and the spiritual guidance. And I know that I still have some time to make things right, I'm just not sure how to go about that. But what I'm really trying to say is thank you. And keep doing these videos, they really do help and make you think a little.
P.S. Alyssa is so gorgeous and you guys are going to have such a beautiful baby.
100% agree. How far is too far - is not what we should ask ourselves. P.S. Alyssa, love your cardigan
If someone came up to me on my wedding day and said they took care of my wife, I'd definitely be creeped the fuck out.
+Holden Blackmer lol...so true !
So many people try to "draw the line" somewhere in a relationship. But the goal shouldn't be to draw a line and get as close to the line as possible, but getting as far away from the line as possible.
I agree! Sex is a thing you do when you combine. You feel burdened in that relation if you don't like them anymore, and you sleep with them. Well said guys! God bless you both!
How do you get past the awkwardness of having dated someone in the church, and it didn't work out? Thanks for the video!
Do you think you should or it is necessary to talk to each other everyday when you are dating? Did you guys do that?
I would say talking to each other everyday should be done. I have been in a relationship before where him and I almost never talked, and when we did, I was always the only person to ever initiate a conversation. It sucked. And think about this: relationships should be focused on friendships, not physical attraction. And think about friendships. If you only talked to your best friend only one Day week, or two...how close would you really be? I mean, they wouldn't know the day to day you very well. They wouldn't know how you act with your friends very well, they wouldn't know a whole bunch of stuff. And if they don't know a whole bunch of stuff about you, you probably don't know a lot about them. I would say communication in every kind of relationship, is one of, if not the most, important thing in a relationship. If you guys don't talk a lot, tell them, "hey, let's talk!" Think about marriages, if a husband and wife didn't communicate on a regular basis, that's normally when a relationship status to go a bit down hill. Communication builds trust, friendships, and helps both you and the other person. I would say, communication when you can, is important. If you guys have know eachother FOREVER, and normally talk to each other all the time, and you're super close, and you're not like in another country on a busy schedules, then it's okay to go a short period of time without talking. But yes, you should try to talk to either everyday.
Emma Hill that's great advice! Thanks
Great message refreshing to hear this. Blessings jeff god be with you brother...
This literally makes me wanna get married as soon as possible😂😂oh man I have a hard time taking things slow but I am really really really glad I got to hear this. I need to pray a lot to not get tempted because my head gets messed up sometimes on this topic. This video helped me a lot to understand how much I should respect my Girl. Thank you Jeff and Allyssa!!
I agree that God honors sex within a marriage. He never intended for people to go from person to person having sex that is why so many people are broken.
I like you are realistic approach. it's not "yo I want to be a virgin right so its is magical on your wedding night+?" Dating is suppose to be getting to know someone and not just getting physical. it's not about here are specicfic rules it's about what honors God.
Can you give advice about how to find independence within yourself while also maintaining respect for and from your parents? I often find that I'm struggling to grow when I come back to live at home. God Bless!!
What a blessing to watch this video! I loved when you made that observation about instead of ask "how far is too far" may we ask "how can I honor Christ" it's a good point! Also when Alyssa said that is important to ask the Holy Spirit presence w us before go to a date like I never did that before n I'm going to apply that to my relationship. Can you make a video for long distance relationships? I'd appreciate! Much love from Brazil to you guys! God bless :)
Amen. Being physical in a relationship before marriage clouds your thinking. Don't put yourself in a compromising position. I hear "how far is to far?" From young ladies all the time. It is important to realize until you are married this person doesn't belong to you. Its somebody's husband until you take the step and make it official. Also if the person will not be patient or understanding with how you want to be in your relationship by respecting your boundaries. You are unequally yoked. True love waits
I was wondering your take on Gay/lesbian/bisexual relationships and marriage. Do you think its a sin? if so can if be forgiven? Marriage and there relationships with one another? I really hope you see my question! I love your videos by the way, very inspiring! I really just want to know what you think on all of this, because i have some friends that are, and they are seriously the nicest people iv met, and they are older and there love for each other is so unbelievably strong and true. I mean if you saw them, you would think that they are soul mates, like there is not anyone else for each other but them. They just fit perfectly together, you can tell by the way they look at each other. Again thank you a ton! And i hope/look forward to hearing back from you!!
Some are and some arnt. And no, thank you for answering my question i really appreciate it!
Its awesome how she stares at him. You can tell she loves him soooo much. The way she looks at him, it looks like she wants to add more glue to their relationship ;)
You guys are awesome!!
How/when do you know that person you are with is the one God has for you? What are some good signs?
In this sense, I would suggest to give God a signal or of some sort in your prayers, and ask him for reassurance
seek God in prayer brother.if God has chosen that person for you,then he will make it known.ask God in spirit and in truth to reveal to you whether this girl is the right one for you and he will do so because he is faithful
phantom2k10 I am a girl but thank you!
BeeTube my bad lol
Hi BeeTube. We have to remind ourselves that there isn't "the one". The concept of "the one" is just a result from our culture and it isn't true. It's not about: Is this person the person that God intended me to be with? It's about: How will I give glory to God through my relationship with this person?
If you want to look for signs of a great husband then look for someone who would lead you and love you as Christ loved the church. This means looking for a man who would respect you, would literally die for you, would lead you in spirit and in truth with gentleness, and would love our God more than he loves you (since God should be the center of our relationships). This is what a lady should look for in a husband.
Oh and when I say your husband should love God more than he loves you, I'm not saying that your husband should be more faithful to the church than to you or that he should ignore you and just seek God. A man who loves God first then his wife would love his wife even more so than a man who loves his wife first then God. At the same time you should love God more than your husband which will ultimately lead you to love you husband that much more.
all what you say is what we believe as Muslims,my dignity as man before being as a Muslim stops me from fooling a girl an going out with her without the intention of Marriage , it hurts when I see very young girls on the streets suffering because they are pregnant or because of they have kids , and they lost everything raising them by themselves alone , BTW we are the only none Christians who believe in Jesus Christ as a messenger and we believe in the bible too and all the other messengers and Jesus and merry is a common name between the Muslims , this should eliminate the hate , LOVE ,PEACE,SALAM , SHALOM
Mohamed Okacha You're right, there shouldn't be any hate, between Muslims and Christians! But for us, Jesus is not a messenger. He is the Son of God, and He died for us. For each individual person. My life and eternity is entirely different because of this. Without Jesus living and dying for me, I would never be able to go to heaven, or be perfect. I mess up so much, but Jesus gives me grace and forgiveness. I really pray and hope that you will find Jesus, and know that He died for you and loves you so much. God bless you.
Don't be a hypocrite, you say I respect women yet you claim you get 72 Virgins in heaven? I think not
+Following Yahshua i thought they get 7? Im a christian but how is he a hypocrite? That is what they teach them. But anyway, Jesus is the only way to heaven. No mary, no buddah and no allah. I hope to c u there, in Jesus Name AMENNNN
+youngnigerian14 most Christian are going to hell I would like to contact you and give you s salvation check up
+Following Yahshua may God forgive you. don't worry, u will change. Goodnight
The way she looks at you is so sweet. My cousin showed my your guys' video on if its okay to date a non christian and ive been watching some others and they are so great. Thank you guys for making these videos and reminding me of God and that i need to focus on him
He doesn't look at her the same way.
Where was this when I needed it 😔
Hey Jeff and Alyssa!! I love this video because you guys are so cute together but I have a question, I just started hanging out with a girl who I feel like could be my next future girlfriend, and been getting subtle hints from God, What can I do to make sure that I will honor our future friendship and when is it the right time to ask her out as my gf??
can you make a video about how to decide what we should study and work. If our heart wants two different jobs and get joy from both of them but we cannot affort both university degrees, whish one should we choose? How to know which is God's plan for us?
What advice would you give to someone in a relationship where things went too far very early and they're looking to move past it and find peace and comfort with their partner but can't stop hurting and feeling shameful?
My boyfriend and I have already engaged in sexual relations, but I have found myself with God again and I know that God forgives all sins, but I was wondering if that meant God would no longer approve of the relationship because we did cross that boundary? We have both removed ourselves from that physical state, but i still want to know if God will approve of our relationship.
jefferson stop saying ´mhm¨ while she is talking, it´s annoying for her and for us. it´s like ¨yeah yeah ok ok¨¨ hahaha just saying bro
You guys are awesome! Thank you so much!
What is your opinion on dating someone who believes in God but doesn't necessarily make Him the center of they're life like you do.
Yet another great video! I'm not currently in a relationship but I know when God leads me into one I will be even more prepared after listening to your message!
I'm incredibly sad because the girl I love is an unbeliever. Truly, I love her with my whole heart. I really hope she can accept Christ ):
Question: What are some ways to keep a Godly long distance relationship? How much can you share during the dating stage, as in devotionals or experiences?
How do you know if your "in love?" And how do you hear god when he is saying that person is "the one"???? I would greatly appreciate some input.
Thank you so much for being such an example!! God bless both of you!!
I love what you guys are doing. Its been giving me so much peace as a single lady following Christ. Thank you for being honest and willing to share your hearts.
I'm not sure I understand why anyone should take this dude's advice.
Sounds like it sucks to be a christian hahahaha
No it doesn't suck actually. Having a relationship with God is amazing and it's the best decision I've ever made. It's your choice.
If God does exist, it would be pretty awesome to have a relationship with him.
but even if he does, taking this dude's advice about anything is a horrible idea.
How about you just tell them what the Bible says and stop with the worldly hippy wisdom?
1 Corinthians 6:9-10
Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 6:18-20
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
AburaRaiger Did you even read the Bible? I know it looks long, but Gods word is actually the truth, not Jeff's worldly philosophies of man.
AburaRaiger Worldly wisdom and lack of Biblical authority. This young man usurps Gods authority and position on a topic with his own opinion. You know a tree by its fruit, this young mans fruit is rotten.
AburaRaiger specifically that he uses his own opinion to teach people what they should do as opposed to what God says about sexual immorality.
AburaRaiger Would you not agree that the facts and figures of scripture are the message itself and what give it its value?
AburaRaiger If the Bible is the word of God and you obey God then the word of God is (should be) your authority. The Bible warns against people making up their own way of doing things in place of what God has ordained and established. The young man in the video has established in this video (and others) that he is not concerned about what Gods word (the Bible) says. Instead he gives his opinion about what to do, likely because he is self important and seeks idolization by his audience. Idolatry is a sin too. As Christ said, don't be just a hearer of the word but be a doer.
I have a question! As a male, what does it mean to be a leader in a relationship? is that just for marriage or in courting or dating like what does it mean? Take charge and make all the decisions? This sounds pretty dumb but i am under the no father figure generation .. lol
Jose, I'm married and still grapple with this so don't fret. We are told to love our wife as Christ loved the church and laid his life down for her. What helps me is to think of it as servant leadership not dictator leadership. Sure, some element is being a strong spiritual guide but I also think it's more of a "how can I serve my significant other in a way that lifts her up, spiritually and emotionally, that makes her feel safe and loved...ect" question that should be asked. Hope this helps.
Mark Rockwell that's the greatest advice i have ever herd!! more about serving not dictating, i'll remember that Mark thank you for pouring into me! Funny i have a tattoo of Ephesians 5:25 on my ring finger so what you just said makes this tattoo more meaningful! Thanks brother that was powerful and awesome!
Hi Jose. To be a leader in a relationship, specifically a marriage, means that you would have to... lead your wife haha. This doesn't mean to lead your wife financially or something, but lead her in decision and in her sanctification. If your wife sins, then for her sanctification's sake, not her justification (we already have full forgiveness and full union with Christ-- we were justified by the cross) you should correct her in love. Be gentle and correct her with the right motives.
And also what Mark Rockwell said (:
Hi Jose.
I'm a girl so I'm obviously not the one to tell how to do. But my fiancé read this book (I also read it) and it's really really great! www.amazon.com/Wild-Heart-Revised-Updated-Discovering/dp/1400200393
It is so fantastic when a man feels like a real man, and a woman as a real woman, both in Christ. And you will not regret reading this book about the subject! If you have a girlfriend (or wife) he have wrote a book, with his wife as co author, for woman's too witch also is amazing and an eye opener. Every man should read this book, and the one for woman after. We miss so much in our fatherless generation as you so good describes it.
(Sorry for my bad English, I'm from Denmark and not very good at it. But really - the book will be an eye opener.)
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-24
The wife leans on her husband and he should lean on God. by leaning on her husband the wife is ultimately leaning on GOD AS WELL (even though as a christian she already would) Thats how the relationship works.
I love this video!! So true! Something the world will completely fight back on though. Everything that was said in the video though, I agree with completely!!
I love the way you two stare at each other in wonder as the other talks.
Maybe a question for a new video. "What to do when your boyfriend is addicted to pornography."
We are very big in our walk with our faith and love The Lord more than we love ourselves. Although, we are trying to further our relationship, as we have been dating for two years, but pornography is holding him back. It completely tears him to pieces and puts a gap between our relationship because it hurts him that he is addicted. I have faith in him that he can overcome this addiction and burden, but maybe some tips or help wouldn't hurt?
Y'all are amazing! Thank you for being one of the greatest examples I look up too!
What if you have already "crossed" that line, is it fixable?
Even Jeff admitted to struggling with his past decisions. You can't take back something that you've done. However, God will honor your decision to turn away from those actions. It's never too late to start pursuing purity. If we strive towards doing better (note how I said "strive", because we can't be perfect), He forgives us and we will be blameless in His sight. The next step is learning how to forgive ourselves, and that's the harder part, especially within a relationship. The best advice I can give is this: Philippians 3:"12 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. 13 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Esp. verse 13
Sarah Bobis Of course it is fixable! Isaiah 1:18 - though your sins be as scarlet they shall be as white as snow. That is what the atonement is for - to allow us to repent, change and do better.
I definitely agree! I just think it's very hard for humans for forgive themselves. It's difficult to fathom the grace of God and we still have to struggle through our past decisions sometimes. There are also earthly consequences that usually result from our sins that we have to own up to.
Oh lord, keep doing it. Have fun. Don't limit yourself to this nonsense.
no you'll burn in the endless depths of hell
Question. I have been trying online dating. recently did Christian Mingle. it seems like every once and a while the date cancels at the last minute. do you think this is God's way or the spirits way of pointing me back to the Lord or could it be bad luck?
Please pray for me
will do
Hi Alyssa & Jeff! I just wanted to thank you both for teaching me about this area in my life. No joke, i have learned so much and have seen the beauty of marriage because of you both. & when i speak to people im like "yeah, jeff & alyssa bethke...." (Like if i knew you both personally hahaha) I have intentional feelings with a man(has been my closest and best friend for about two years)(have known him for a long time though haha) that is in love with Jesus and he too shared that he has feelings for me too....we have gone through temptation....& i have like 10,000 questions seriously haha. But one of them would probably be, how do I do this? Haha its a weird question but i think that question comes out first because i had only one relationship before i fell in love with Christ and i never saw marriage in my family, so how do i do it? How do i care for him and honor him? How is too far in caring for him?
Well anyways, if you do or dont get to this comment, i am so grateful for your videos. They have seriously helped me in my walk with Christ & your book as well. Cant wait to read Alyssa's! Blessings to you three (babygirl in the tummy :) )
what if i want to date someone who is not as passionate about Jesus as i am?
Well this was 4 years ago but I'll answer it just in case someone stumbles across it. As a non Christian I think you should ask yourself how much it bothers you that someone else doesn't care as much about Jesus. If you will be offended that they don't care don't date them(or if they don't respect your beliefs) but if you can grow in your own faith on your own, independently from your partner then go for it. If you see it as almost like a hobby that you partake in, then you don't have to feel the need to have your boyfriend take part in it. If it means way more, then just find someone more likeminded.
So your God doesn't condemn people?
Guess it's time you actually picked up your bible and start reading!
is dating biblical?
You want to get to know the person who you might want to marry. God wants his children to be safe and happy so I think that not knowing the person who you want to marry is a foolish move.
You guys rock! Very powerful message with excellent points to support the idea, which of course is God's will to being with so why try to argue with that,right? You and Alyssa are such amazing people and I enjoy watching this Dating series. This is so great for the youth especially and just anyone in general. Love it!
Why are christians so passive agressive with questions like this? The qurstion is how far is to far, not how can i get closer to jesus. Answer the question instead of side stepping it completly.
Your comment shows your ignorance of central doctrines of Christianity
Well, if you have to ask "how far is too far?" it sorta seems like there is no boundary because the line is blurred, and then because of that, the person is willing to go as far as he or she wasst because there is no answer. That to me signifies not keeping God in your thoughts, but just doing what you want or feel like doing. I think it depends on the person and God's convictions for him or her.
If your gf ends up marrying someone else and you someone else, you're going to remember those sexual times you had with her. To me, that doesn't honor your wife's, nor your ex-gf's husband's, integrity. To me, dating is not about playing with fire, it is about protecting and caring for each other.
rfawn fair enough. I guess its better then "treat them like your brother/sister". THAT is the worst answer ive ever heard to this question. Its just....akward lol.
joey flores Yeah. I think that answer could be changed to "treat them like a friend," because that's what they are, or should be, a friend.
rfawn ehh even that is kinda funny. Theyre your boyfriend/girlfriend and should be treated as such. Dating doesnt have to mean sex.
Great video! Question: What does it really mean for a man to be "leading" the relationship? Does it mean that the couple isn't supposed to make important decisions together regarding their relationship? Does it mean that the man kind of dictates where to go and what to do?
I've been wondering...I love God and Jesus. Always have and since seeing your videos my perspectives have changed. I don't have a good dating life. I always look for the "right" one for me. I know everyone has issues and noone is perfect. Everyone is broken and needs to help someone else That's broken.
Everything I get in a relationship I give all I can as a daughter of God, but my partners always take what I did for granted..or verbally abusive. Whenever we break up thy end up being a player. I've been suffering with depression..social anxiety..suicidal thoughts. I know I'M perfect in God's eyes..and I appreciate all you do for me.
Rain Mv The only thing that will make a change is if you try to get as close to God as possible. Every father cares for his daughters and so does God. When you get close to him and give that problem in his hands he will help you. Another important thing is that you choose who you date. Consult God before you start dating someone, see if He approves that person, and if God approves him, he's going to be good for you and to you. Hope this was helpful, many blessing :)
Rain Mv
If you have sex before marriage you will be sent to hell.
Wally Kaspars that was really rude to say that the girl trying to ask for help and you being a little mean to her
Id say, stop searching and just fully rely on god. I know it can be hard sometimes but honestly- you dont need a man. You need god and since you have him, in your heart, in your life, why worrying about guys and a partner? Just trust in the lord, be close to him, and he will bring you the right man at the right time :)
Wally Kaspars thats not what the Bible says it says it is a sin... but all sin can be forgiven by God through repentance and the sacrifice that was made by Jesus Christ.... Paul said i die daily... its a human nature struggle but we can grow closer to God and He can help us overcome those struggles...
How do you know when that person is your future spouse or meant for you by God? And when can you tell that God is showing you the right person? what are signs to show this?? :) Thanks for all your advice and videos!! I love you both, Jeff and Alyssa!! :)
ok i think my questions would be;
im 21 and have never really dated before, not because i havent met anyone but because i hang out with people who dont understand my standard or belief when it comes to relationships, i have also committed to saving myself for marriage as well, how can i explain this to a potential partner or date so they understand that there will be nothing physical in our relationship? (unless wedded)
and also how will i know if a guy is good to date? more of a general question i know but im beginning to feel like i have an unreasonable expectation of partners to the point where i havent dated anyone however my heart keeps telling me that this person is not a right fit for me, just a little worried lol
(i know 21 is still super young but all my friends are dating and my best friend got engaged, a little intimidating lol)
Well for starters, Just say it, (not bluntly, but when appropriate), that you are saving yourself for marriage. If the guy isn't willing to respect that then you shouldn't compromise your views just to stay with someone who isn't willing to respect yours. (And I'm unaware of your spiritual beliefs, I could assume Christian due to the videos, but I'm sure plenty of different people watch them.... but I would take 2 Corinthians 6:14 into consideration, date other believers who share your views on purity, it would make the "How can I explain this to a potential partner" conversation a lot easier).
And as for if a guy is good to date, first off try to make realistic expectations for people, no one's perfect, part of relationships is learning to accept them for who they are, flaws included! Now I'm in NO way saying settle for less, it's OK to have expectations, just know that since we're all human no one is going to be perfect. I don't know you or what you look for in relationships, so I can't really give that much advice for this question, but when you see a potential future partner just make note of what kind of person they are, how they act, and if you could see yourself marrying and living with them (God willing, for the rest of your life).
Don't let the fact that your friends are in relationships pressure you into one. When you're single, take time to grow and understand yourself, and make sure that instead of focusing on who you're going to date/marry and what they need to be like, focus on what you can do to make yourself the best you that you can be. (I confused myself a bit there, but in short, just make sure that you yourself are mature enough for the commitment that comes with dating and eventually marriage). The purpose of marriage is not to take two halves and make one, but it's to take two filled people and bring them together.
~Hope that Helped!
Well I would say to continue to get so lost on God that the guy has to find you in God because the Bible declares that when a man finds a wife he finds a good thing. So I would say continue to get loss in God. God bless you
David Olmstead well it was actually from Jeff that i got the best relationship advice, (and i listen to a lot) that is to treat a a relationship as a partnership, make sure you are not idolizing your partner because that creates unrealistic expectations and strains the relationship, and to be in a relationship were both of us are looking for good, (his triangle theory) a partnership which to me is perfect because i have restricted myself to dating only people i am already friends with first, not straight out dating, its what my parents did, and the statistic say if u marry ur best friend then the marriage will last longer, cause lust only lasts for so long XD
but thanx for the help :)
Waiting for marriage is a terrible mistake. Being bonded with someone who is not compatible with you sexually is not a fun situation to be in, and it leads to resentment and feelings of rejection.
Ergo you are comparing someone to previous sexual partners and thus experience disappointment, because someone wasn't as good as the other, of course it's natural for the human brain to compare things, it's logical. If you save yourself for one person then your brain wont compare anyone you can take time for that relationship to grow. You don't meet someone and instantly love them unconditionally (That's called infatuation) Love is something a person grows into, not falls into, the same applies to a sexual relationship, it's something that two people grow into.
You know this video REAAAALLLY helped me out thank you much for sharing . I met you in dallas drove all the way from oklahoma to be apart of the audience for the show you went on and talked about your show , Idk if you remember me lol but anyways if you do see this comment you should check my cover to say something on my page I love that song but it was super depressing so I wanted to make it to something happy you don't have to share it or anything but I would really like you drop a little comment hehe. Ok well god bless you and your family .. ok bye :) keep up the good work
The main rule is no sex before marriage. Pretty much everything else is fine
You missed the point of the video. You should keep from doing anything that's impure or immoral because doing everything else short of having sex makes you give into temptation much easier and also makes it harder to say no to the real thing because you've done everything else. It's kind of like the domino effect, one thing leads to another. Hope that gave you some insight.
But your already setting yourself up for failure by looking at the *rule* of not having sex. God isn't giving rules, he's giving now grace and transforming hearts where you won't want to have sex, not because its a rule, but because it no longer becomes a desire.
Gavin Denver
I no, leav nuff room 4 JESUS. I git wat u mean, like how vidja games maek yah keel ppl.
Gavin Denver yea I guess your right there. I didnt think of it that way
Todd Gordon " he's giving now grace and transforming hearts where you won't want to have sex..."
Woah there you are treading on a fine line here.. When has this even happened to any christian and how can I get this to happen to me? Be careful with what you say.
My brother you quite often bring up how you were "shameful" and struggle with the fact that you were in immoral relationships back in high school and early college.. but you are a new person in Christ. I'm sure you were baptized so therefore the old Jefferson Bethke is now gone and you have been cleansed of your old sinful ways. Let those hurtful memories go and glorify our heavenly father, since he has forgiven you and made you reborn again through our Lord Jesus Christ. God bless you and continue to spread the amazing word.
What's wrong with finding out if you are sexually compatible with the person you areddating and not just emotionally compatible? I'm sorry that you allow an imaginary being to govern your lives rather than yourself. I've been with one woman for two decades and I didn't need God to tell me how to date. I used common sense. And "temptation" is awesome. It leads to sex and if the sex is good, to great feeling orgams. What's wrong with feeling good?
Wondering why you are even looking at these videos? If you are not interested in God these video don't matter to you. Feeling good with Jesus in the center of your life is so much better than you will ever know, until you come to know him as your savior. The feeling of orgams is so much different when you are married. There is never any guilt or shame, in sex when you are joined together as one though marriage as God intend, for all of His creation. God Bless you brother, I pray you will find Jesus and get to experience His grace and healing, as Jeff has.
Nina Race Firstly, I find your statement that orgams are better when you're married to be utter nonsense. You might feel better about it where you're married because you were told to feel guilty before you were. That brings me to my second point. I never felt guilty before I was married because I never bought into the nonsense of God and guilt. You guys create the disease, guilt, and the cure, Jesus. How about stop telling people to feel guilty about sex and they'll be just fine? I was with my wife for years before marriage and for nearly two decades after and it wasn't better as a result of marriage because we never felt guilty about sex in the first place. Finally, as for why I'm here watching and commenting, I like to learn about other things. It's how one grows in life. Try it sometime. You might ditch the myth of Jesus. The guilt might take a little longer but life is grand without Jesus.
Ed Gloss Not everyone thinks the same way. If you don't agree just don't get into it, you don't have to comment on how you think everything they're saying is so wrong. It's you're opinion and keep it to your self. That is just being rude .
PullipKisses So people should only comment when they agree? Is that how you like it? Only hearing things that reinforce what you already believe? I like to hear the opinions of those who disagree with me. It's how I learn.
Ed Gloss Look I'm just saying if you say you've been with your wife for nearly two decades or w/e it must mean your old enough of to respect other people. Just because someone doesn't think the same way you do, it doesn't give you the right to criticize them and I'm just saying you should be respectful to everyone around you, at the internet or in you real life! Going to videos you know you don't agree to and causing polemics is not your way to "Learn" is your way of entertain yourself. If you really want to learn go study, buy a book or watch videos that are actually educational.
Hey I have always had an issue with being persecuted in groups of people. I've gone to parties and have literally been called out for my beliefs. What do I say to that? I always act polite and Christ like but I don't think I'm getting my message across
What do you think about dating an unbeliever?
In biblical times they "yolked" oxen together when plowing fields, but they'd yolk similar aged/tempered oxes or else one would hurt the other by pulling too hard on the yolk, and the plow would go all over the place. So when they said back then, "do not be yolked with an unbeliever" people listening/reading would have had an immediate mental image that let them understand just how incompatible Christians are with nonbelievers. xo
We don't know each other personally Jeff, but I definitely feel like you are constantly keeping me accountable...so THANK YOU :)
I must say, you all have a great minsitry here, for young and old people. helped confirm to me, what i tell guys that want to date me . God Bless and look up, for your redemption draws nigh. one question if I may please. You believe in pretrib. rapture or are we going through the trib.?
I agree with sex making it harder to leave if you know the relationship is bad. I think that's how I felt with my first marriage, I knew it wasn't the best relationship but since I was already involved I felt I couldn't leave him, so I married him and it just wasn't right. so thankful for my new marriage, and I know he is the one God meant me to be with all along. It's amazing how much better God has for us than our own thinking. We all need to trust that the Lord has a good reason for his way of doing things and that it betters us in the long run.
I love this. I love your teachings. They're awesome and you shouldn't listen to all the negative comments. I'm a christian but I'm not a religious person. I just follow Christ and his steps and I love your teachings. Thank you.
Good advice. Me and my boyfriend are trying to do this. But it isn't easy as we have both had past relationships where we did not do this. We made the choice to tell each other about our past right away which definitely brought us closer in trust. But knowing about each others relationship past especially the physical part has been hard for my boyfriend especially because he struggles inwardly imagining me with these people... It is tough I wish we could go back and not share so much personally, but it did establish a trust between us that has been good.
How did Alyssa learn to cope, accept, forgive, and move on from your past relationships & mistakes you may have made in your past relationship?
just remember Jesus is always with you and everything is being recorded. So if you couldn't do it in front of Jesus or even you're parents it's probably too far.
I love this video so much! I have a question: is there a "too far" emotionally based? Like guarding not only your body but also your mind and emotions?
This video was amazing and very inspirational in my walk. I wish I could email them both and get advice and tell them what I am going through and ask them questions and advice.
What I liked most about this video, is the way they referenced God on every topic. Also they way they look at each other you can tell how much they love each other and God. Such a great, solid, inspirational couple.
how about holding hands and hugging? Isit consider tying yourself to them physically?
Make a video on homosexually, I would like to hear you're thoughts on it. Appreciate it thanks!
Question for a next video! How can you glorify God as a couple when you are in a long distance relationship or dealing with a situation that restrains both people from serving together?
I want that kind of relationship, really :( ladies of my church compromise the word of God and they are fine with kiss premarital :( I am nt fine with that so I am still single still searching for that Holy Lady
wouldn't you rather be married to someone who hasn't done it with anyone else? your virginity is a sacred thing. knowing that your spouse would only give it up for you is really special.
This video changed my perception of pre-marital sex completely. Thank you so much for making this!!
What happens when you do cross the line with the person you're dating and you are unsure if that person is God sent, or the person you want to marry?
Could you please do one on long distance relationships?
My boyfriend and I have dated on and off for about 3 years. The only reason it has been on and off is because he moved away after high-school, 3 hours away, and only comes back to live for a short time (aprox 1-4 months at a time). I feel so special when we are together, and happy. He respected that I wasn't going to have sex (knowing my choice in that) with him and when he tells me he loves me, it feels like the first time I've heard it every time. Like no one else in this world will ever understand me like he does, and I know a lot of people say that, but its so true I can't even express. I am afraid of commitment and I would marry him (in due time) in a heart beat. We try to still date when he goes back to live 3 hours away, but it always ends in shambles and heart ache. He starts to get distant and short, and conversations go from once a day to once or twice a week, Like its a hassle to have a conversation with me. Until finally I would tell him to just forget it and just be friends.
We finally came to an agreement that It's impossible for us to date with him living so far and not seeing each other is putting a strain on an actual relationship. Now when he comes up, its for a few days and we make the best of it like old times and when he leaves, its as if nothing happened. At first I was more than okay with it, because I'm not ready to settle down being in college and all, and he still doesn't know what he wants in life. But anymore its getting harder and harder to say goodbye and to go on without him being my best friend anymore and also because it feels like he doesn't care. He doesn't even tell me that he loves me anymore and when I ask him how he feels about me its like trying to pry food from a starving dog. But the way he acts around me, is still the same lovey and cuddly. It hurts a thousand times more thinking about him and not being able to be with him. I want to just cut the ties all together because this feeling.. I can't handle it anymore and and i'm afraid to tell him because I feel like I would be literally be cutting out the other half of me. I'm actually getting severely choked up just typing this. I'm afraid to tell him this because he is in the process of trying to decide if he wants to move many states away, or come back around me and find a job. I want to be patient, because I don't know Gods intentions and even when I pray about it, it isn't going to work itself out over night. I just don't know what to do and It's tearing me apart, that's why it's hard to just go about my way and just wait for something to happen or change. When I told him my feelings have been changing about him, that's all I said and I didn't go into detail, all he had to say was "I'm sorry to hear that" and wouldn't make an effort to call me to talk about it. But then comes home and wants to see me because he misses me, and isn't the slightest curious as to what I had told him. I feel like he's playing me for a fool.
i have just been recently divorced , i waited 8 yrs after to see about reconciliation but it has turned out to be the best thing and we are friends again , my desire is to be prepared for the actual person i am really meant for . after eight years of growing up i want again to have a wife a family a home and for all of us to know god deeply and intimately , it is my desire to have what he has for me , but what do i do in the mean time ?
Hi Jeff and Alyssa! I really enjoyed this video and I wanted to ask you what is a great way to show somebody that you are dating how you feel without the use of physical contact? I'm in a relationship with this person and I want to make sure that she knows that she's validated she knows that she's loved and that she knows that I am here for her. For the most part it's going really well we are both believers we both worship God in the same manner we have a lot in common but I just wanted to make sure that I can make her know that she is loved and that she doesn't feel neglected. Other than that, things are going really well so I just wanted to ask you that question.