Things that may disqualify you to be a foster parent
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ต.ค. 2023
- Want to become a foster parent? Here are some things that may disqualify you, submitted by followers 💛 Of course check with your agency or county to get the exact rules for licensing. Some things are up to the discretion of the person completing your home study and they can disqualify you for a variety of reasons.
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The existing children get a say?! That so unexpected and so beautiful.
sometimes! I believe they should - often the person doing the home study will interview the kids separately
Absolutely! As someone who works at a foster agency, I've seen a few cases where if the child isn't on board we reconsider actually approving their home. It's a hard conversation to have but a very necessary one nonetheless
@@emalineldo you tell the parents that the kid said no? I’d hope they wouldn’t get angry with the child, but everyone is different 😕
@rebekahbowser8060 that I'm not so sure. I think it depends on the agency, but we do at least try to inform the parent why they were not approved without harming the existing family dynamic
@@foster.parenting I hope the existing kids get a real say, as in, they're not being coached by their parents to say that they want to be a foster family, under threat of punishment (whether explicit or implicit) if they don't "follow the script." Also, do the existing kids have to explicitly say "no," or are the workers also trained to detect if someone is saying "yes" under coercion, or as a people-pleasing tactic?
I like that the stated "max capacity" of a house is eight people. In life, as in the Sims. 😂
My first thought at that part was my Sims household! 😂😂
It depends on the size of the house but true lol
Not if you know the cheat code 😂😅
@@lizzalkula376 except it’s still hard to see the extra members in CAS when it’s over 8
They don’t show up it’s so annoying
When you have 5+ kids you do not have time for everyone's needs. And foster kids do have needs that do have to be respected. These are things designated by the foster system, therapists, and the law.
i was adopted. it’s always been openly talked about, i don’t even remember having a discussion about it.
we celebrate my “gotcha” day every year (day i was adopted) and when i was younger i used to brag about it.
10/10 recommend openly talking about it the kids whole life
I love gotcha day! There’s always a reason to celebrate the people you love ❤
At what age though? You wouldn't tell an infant or toddler necessarily, no?
that's your experience. Ive known adopted kids that always felt like they didn't belong because they weren't their biological child, and it turned one of my friends into a raging sociopath. maybe he was always messed up, but feeling like he was different than his 'siblings' didn't help
edit: I'm not saying you shouldn't tell kids early. everyone get off my back.
I love that you and your family celebrated “gotcha” day! What a great idea ❤thanks for sharing your experience!
@@mafiawaffle1386It's always best to be honest with your kids. I'm adopted and I don't remember ever being told really, just something I knew my whole life. Keeping a secret like that would have probably been worse for that kid if he found out about it, one kid having issues doesn't negate the fact that NOT telling your kid they're adopted early on and being supportive about their curiosities is unhealthy. Trust is important. I'm open about my adoption but my brother, who has a lot of problems (impulse issues, doesn't understand consequences, anger issues, etc, never been able to get a diagnosis) refuses to talk about it. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't have told him.
As the bio kid of parents who used to foster, I’m glad existing kids get a say now. We didn’t when I was growing up. And while I think fostering children is commendable & would recommend it for anyone who is qualified, as a kid it was hard getting attached to other kids and seeing them as a brother or sister only to loose them. Sometimes I didn’t even know they would be going back to their bio parents. I’d wake up & they were gone.
Actually, that's really hard! Kids need to have a say and be heard and be informed
i can imagine that’s really hard. and on the other side, if the bio kid and foster kid don’t get along/the bio kid resents the foster kid, it can be a traumatizing situation for both children
@@s.a.3746 I don’t know if it was my upbringing or who I am as a person or both but I quickly accepted all of my foster brothers and sisters. I remember having a sensitivity & knowing they already came from a tough situation, so I didn’t want to compound it. Again, I couldn’t articulate that as a kid but I always have been an empath. Even to this day. So loosing them was so hard. What I didn’t say in my initial post is that I have been able to reconnect with a couple of them on Facebook. So that’s good! 😀
There was a girl on TH-cam who had a similar experience, her parents fostered during her growing up and she said while she was glad they got to be a safe place for so many kids it was hard to cope and understand why her siblings were "going back home" she said they'd tell her this and she wouldn't understand because "this is thier home, we're they're family" for small children especially it can be traumatic to constantly go through losing someone you see as a sibling, especially if they end up staying for long periods of time
My parents always took the “hard” cases. Kids with mental disorders and disabilities. There was a point in time that my little brother (we adopted him after fostering for several years) was so hard to handle that my parents sort of forgot my older (bio) brother and I existed. We would go out for days or even weeks at a time as young as 12 years old and when we got back our parents would say “where’d you go? I didn’t even know you left” as soon as we walked in the door.
If you're excluded from outright fostering there are so many other ways you can help! A friend of mine ended up qualifying to do short term respite (like for a date night or something) even though she didn't qualify for full on fostering. The department in our area also has people come in once a month and pack up a bunch of bags with some stuff for the kids, and they come in weekly during the holidays to wrap donated gifts. Anyone can lend a hand, even if it's just something as simple as wrapping presents. It never hurts to ask about opportunities!
Yes, there are so many ways. I am on the board for a non-profit that needs volunteers and support. One of our sayings is that everyone can do something.
A church I attended for a while volunteered at a place that was a sort of "limbo" for foster kids in between placement, we cleaned and organized donated clothes and prepped meals and explored other ways non-foster parents can volunteer.
It inspired me to want to be able to foster someday. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to, but it's a longterm goal I've always kept in mind since then
Tell more people about this who may not want to foster full time but would like too help
Thank you for sharing about the idea of collecting and bagging personal products to help out ❤️
@@daisyviluck7932 if collecting them isn't an option, the girl scouts do a personal care item drive in April. It's called April Showers. They usually tie Walmart type bags on front doors. The recipient organization of the donations varies by areas. Sometimes it's homeless shelters, sometimes it's other orgs but that's also an option if you have one of those situations where your available time slots don't line up with volunteer opportunity time slots. There are so so many ways to give and to help!
I know this can be a road bump in a fostering journey but I'm actually really glad for procedures like these existing, they're the sorts of things I would be concerned about if I or someone I know had ever gone into foster care. Better safe than sorry.
Except it if you live in a duplex, or an apartment building and you don’t own it, they don’t make you fingerprint all your neighbors
I’m assuming it’s because they own the rental property maybe?
I wish there were more restrictions where I live. They're taking kids out of one bad situation and adopting them into another.
@@GalaxyGirl223I don’t see what owning it has to do with the price of tea in china other than government deciding to be invasive
@@bowlingbbabe maybe living in a rental property is seen by the government to be an unstable position because owners are allowed to kick people out after a lease🤷♀️
My cousin was a foster parent to three kids that really needed it, it allowed all three of them to stay together while their dad worked through what he needed to while getting custody of them. I hope in the future those kids are able to contact my cousin because she truly treated them like her own. She took the time to learn how to manage each one of their hair types(she's caucasian and they're African American), she even wanted to adopt all three of them but their dad got things together and was able to take them back before that. I'm proud of my cousin because thanks to her three siblings weren't separated.
Some people just make the world a better place . We are lucky to have them
My mum took in 3 young foster children for a very short time when I was 4 years old. Your comment made me think.. I barely remember it, just that it felt a little weird having strangers in the house. But to them it was probably one of the scariest times of their life and maybe my mum helped them to feel a little safer by keeping them together.
Thank you to your cousin for taking the children together. So many siblings get separated in the system, keeping siblings together is so important. I pray that I can follow in their footsteps and foster sibling groups ❤
i hope your cousin becomes like an aunt or a godmother for them
its so nice that she learnt how to manage curly hair
take it from me, i used to have really curly hair, like a thick strand of hair is literally the frizziest hair i have, a remnant of before i rebonded my hair to be straight
even after shaving all my hair off it was still there
so i understand the pain of getting one of those bad hair days XD
Could she get their address? Maybe send a letter to their father explaining how she misses them and hopes that she could be involved in Birthdays etc. then if they are ok ,even if Dad isn't, if they are old enough it's up to them.
When I was a teenager, I remember my dad telling me that my stepmom was thinking about adopting a girl my age and I burst into tears. Part of me thought immediately, "Am I not good enough for her as a stepdaughter?" and she ended up never adopting. I feel bad now looking back on it. I was so insecure, and my stepmom always wanted a daughter. 😢
Maybe they could have explained the reasons better so you'd understand more than just, "mom wants a daughter".
At that time you went through a divorce/seperation of your parents, your father re-Married and you had to learn to trust a "new" mom... Seems pretty logic that you were insecure about parental bonding... :/
Dang. I mean, that's what I did when my parents told me my mom was pregnant with my younger sister, but I was 4, not a teenager! And actually I was upset _because_ I wanted a sister my own age and not a baby. 😂
Don't feel bad, it's understandable. I got a stepmother as a teenager and my father left when I was young, so even though I visited him and moved in with him eventually, I still, as an adult, get the nagging fear in the back of my head that they both hate me and I'm not good enough for them.
You'd already gone through the whole ringer of separation and attachment trauma, I think your response was understandable. And tbh, you're not guaranteed that the kid keeps the gender after you adopt them anyway! So I think including gender in your list of what you're looking for in a kid is kind of dumb!
These all seem like really good reasons, to ensure safety and stability of the foster home.
But. It also cuts off good parents wanting to foster with circumstances outside their control (duplex, rental, lower finances, in-laws. Etc.) that wouldn’t be affected at all. So long as you can show you can provide and have support there should be extra hoops but not a hard write off IMHO.
I know many people that would have preferred a kid foster parent who uses food stamps than one using them for the paycheque
Ahhh yes cause their homes are so much better 😂
@@kaidanarikopoor people have no need to be having kids.
Since when is not telling a kid they're adopted an unhealthy parenting choice? It can be extremely unhealthy and destabilizing to tell a child they're adopted....
@@LittleLillypad😶🙃 you really said the quiet part out loud. That's classist. What you could say is, "people with lack of education and resources probably shouldn't be parents!" Instead of....what you did.
Oh i didnt realize children/dependants were also interviewed as part of the process
Yes, often they are, and sometimes the interview is private
Yes! Absolutely. But it also depends on how young the child is. If the child is too young developmentally sometimes we observe their family dynamics instead to get a better feel of how the child feels in the home
I wish we were given that option as kids when my parents fostered. Granted this was 40 years ago. Ifs its not the national norm it should be.@@foster.parenting
For anyone curious about why it’s important to interview the biological children besides for their personal safety/comfort, some biological children may take it out on the foster children in negative ways, like bullying and abuse. It’s also to prevent conflicts and issues like perceived favoritism, and to ensure that the foster child doesn’t grow up in a home where their existence is an issue or where conflict is present towards them. Plus it’s important to view how a child acts when their parents are not around, to insure the safety of any child coming into the house.
They are if they’re old enough to answer questions. When my family started, my sister and I weren’t interviewed because we were 4 and 2, but if we were older it is likely that we would’ve.
I am the mother, daughter, sister, and first cousin to adoptees. I started telling my child the story of his adoption when he was two, complete with a book of pictures. I called it the “INSERT CHILD’S NAME” story.
The one of my family members who didn’t know, until she found out through a DNA test, has by far suffered the most trauma, as did her children. And sadly, looking back over her life, she realized that everyone knew but her, and just gaslighted her when she would ask questions about her coloration, or how she looked a little different from her siblings.
Adopted kids aren’t Lego pieces. They have biological families, which are important parts of their life story. When events happened that resulted in adoption, they lost their family. It’s a severing of the knowledge of things like why their toes look a certain way, or why they don’t seem to have the same preferences as their adoptive family, or if they have a predisposition for certain allergies.
Further, there are biological family members that may want to eventually know and love that child, like a grandparent, or a younger sister, who were not at fault for losing their family member. Why take the option to eventually have a relationship with them completely away from the adopted child?
It just seems cruel to take more away from a child that has already suffered loss.
cruel and unnecessary - there can never be too much love. People that hide adoption are insecure and their kids end up suffering because of their parents poor choices
I agree. My brother was adopted and he always knew. He doesn't think twice about it now, although he does know who his mother is, but he's also been taught she doesn't deserve him.
@lemolea9571 That's an interesting take...bio mom doesn't deserve him because she was "bad" and selfish to get rid of him? therefore he came from someone bad, he's a piece of that, as opposed to framing it as a gift, a hard choice, finding him a loving family was a better option than dragging him thru her personal version of hell, to hold on to a check from the state? Definitely an interesting choice of narrative. It will affect his view of himself, not punish her, unfortunately.
As a bio mom I have definitely felt selfish for giving up my children. But I didn't abandon or sell or dump them. I made sure to find the best parents I could, a picture perfect upper-middle class Bible Belt swimming pool and summer camp life, far beyond what I had to offer. My bestie, who grew up in foster care hell, says I did the best thing. The only people who have told me to my face I was wrong were grossly unfit junkies girls who lost custody of their offspring. Their opinion on it doesn't actually mean anything to me, because at least my kids have a chance. And they still have a relationship w me and my parents so they get a whole other set of doting grandparents. I may be undeserving, but thankfully their mother, herself an adoptee, has never cut me down and has facilitated a healthy openness, while continually expressing her gratitude that I gave her not just one but 2 children, and my kids have a blood sibling to grow up with.
I may be a selfish POS but I did the best I was capable of doing at the time. God used me to grow those children, but they are where they are supposed to be. Sometimes the darkest parts of one person's life become the sunshine for someone else.
Yes! My parents never hid my adoption from me, but I am a foreign adoptee and the circumstances of my mother giving me up are a bit of a mystery. I’ve been able to scavenge pieces, but I’m still curious and would love to reach out to my bio family. Not because my adopted family isn’t enough, but because I’m curious about my biofamily and would love to tell them it turned out okay. I advocate telling kids because when they find out, it is a major betrayal and it makes people wonder why their family lied and what else they may have lied about.
I'm a mom because of adoption, first started out as a respite foster situation that evolved. My 2 younger are bio brothers whose stories are different, and for many reasons, we were asked to adopt them. We go to bio family events for everyone that we can as well as arranging video calls, bio-sibling get-togethers, and just trying to make room for anyone who loves our kiddos.
We are far, far from perfect, but if you try and keep a secret, you are implying that something is shameful and should be hidden. Not one thing about my babies is anything but beautiful, and that includes their bio families, who, like everyone else, are broken humans who are doing the best they can.
When you live in an area where there are not enough foster homes you can get approved even if you wouldn't have qualified in other places, and they wont even come to do house checks after the initial check which is just them sitting in the livingroom having a chat. And if you moved and have done foster care before they will say things like "we trust you" and not do any checks. I have seen all of this happen first hand and not shocked to learn of people getting away with abuse because the system allows them to.
that is horrifying
I always hear foster horror stories from my foster friends, how do those people manage to get through?
Not every state as the same check list, or the person doing the assessment just doesn’t care at all
@@goldenboy3154or maybe, just maybe-the foster care system is deeply corrupt and flawed
My guess is people good at making themselves look good.
Different rules in different states. You can put on a good show too, so long as they believe you. There's a reason why in many states, kids in foster are _more likely_ to be abused / neglected to death than if they weren't taken in the first place.
A lot of the kids have huge issues too, which would test even a saint. It's a really sad thing overall.
Nearly all fostering families in my area are lovely people, and we are a fostering family in the UK. Im sorry your friends don’t have a great experience, it shouldn’t be like that 🫶
It must differ per state because when I became a foster parent I owned a duplex and had a renter upstairs. They knew that but did not even ask for her name. Interestingly, when I invited the social worker to see the basement during the home study, she said she doesn’t do basements or backyards. I thought that was ridiculous as I could have had anything in either.
i find it a little odd too - like neighbours exist. and I, don't think that owning a detached home is a requirement
That's terrifying that they don't check these.
I would question the ethics of a social worker who didn’t check the basement or backyard. That is the wrong answer.
@@thecarpenters9571 Unfortunately the case is often that they have too many kids in foster care and not enough places to put them (to a point where sometimes kids literally spend a night in a worker's office until placement), so this may be done to make home study visit go quicker so they can do more in a day, or it may be that an overgrown yard can cause a denial, so by not looking at it it just doesn't get mentioned in the report at all, good or bad condition (especially if bad is more common). I don't think it's usually related to poor morals, but poor instruction from someone higher, for whatever reason. The amount of kids in foster care is increasing daily across the nation, and only about half get adopted out in a year. Then the next year more than were adopted the previous year are added. It is a crisis.
@@PizzaHorseI was a foster parent and am a clinical social worker. Just because someone higher up tells you to do something that’s unethical, it doesn’t mean you do. This is the wrong answer. I’m well aware of the crisis first-hand and believe we need more supports in place to help birth parents, as well. There are changes that can be made to help the crisis, but unethical practices to approve homes isn’t the answer.
My late parents taught at the same Roman Catholic school. My Dad doubled as the school counsellor. (Hed done a very tough year long course to qualify). Mum mentioned to him a boy (no names but he knew who she meant) who had started acting up. He had confided in her that he was the eldest of 4 but that his patents fostered 4 more and were planning on fostering another.
Fostered children can often take up a lot of time due to the reasons they need to be fostered and he and his siblings got 0 time and attention. They were made to feel guilty for not doing their Christian duty in taking a back seat to the fostered children. In short he needed his parents to think of him for 5 minutes at a time. To him the fostered children were like cuckoos in the nest.
I suspect his parents were not only wanting to help the foster kids but had got seduced into needing the "arent we a wonderful" feedback from "doing good works" without considering how left out their own children felt.
My Dad said he would chat with the lad and with the social workers. The latter probably thought these parents were wonderful.
I am the second of six kids and we did fostering for four years. We only ever did babies and todlers long term. It was one of the best experiences of my childhood. We loved every kid who ever came through our doors and we have relationships still with some that got adopted by other families. Sometimes kids just need somewhere to stay and people to stand up for them.
You sound like you came from a loving and caring family....that's beautiful. ❤
💯
I was told at the learning meeting that I would qualify. Spent months doing all the classes, first home visit, then at the second I was told I don’t qualify because I have 3 German shepherds that are only trained in German(but all very well trained). Very upsetting.
I am a lifelong GSD owner and a retired supervisor in social work so I feel a connection to your situation. I am so sorry that you had this experience, especially if this was part of a plan toward eventual adoption. It is so hard to find people like you with the heart to foster. But, for a variety of reasons, I honestly believe that your DOGS would be at risk if you brought in foster children. I so admire that you care about others and I sincerely wish you all the best in the future!
Although this is very frustrating, if you were opting to foster younger children I do understand the decision. If anything did happen (which I’m trusting it wouldn’t since you seem responsible but you always have to be careful) a child wouldn’t tell a dog to stop in German, they’d yell stop.
I’m not sure why you chose to train them in German but if it was to avoid confusion in public when they hear those words you can try to train them with very specific words in English and/or at certain keys. Example, saying parsley in a high pitched tone would mean sit. Or something less common that would be easier for a child to learn.
That's the most justifiable reason to deny someone that doesn't involve an actual criminal background. Unless you live in a predominantly german-speaking country, it's a good bet the kid isn't going to know German. GSDs are also a highly driven, high energy, stubborn breed and three of them that a kid cannot reliably handle in an emergency is a dangerous situation waiting to happen.
@@AstronatcreatesStop is literally stop in German too. Our dog is the other way around; we live in Germany but trained her in English because that’s my native language. Never caused any issues she also learned hand gestures for each command though so anyone could use those but I’m sure you could teach dogs new commands in the other language too to comply with the foster rules.
@@bee.interrupted I agree, but a three year old that isn’t multilingual will not be able to understand ASAP. If something did happen the dogs need to at least understand stop/halt and go away in the child’s native language.
There's also a lot of things that you might think would exclude you from fostering, but don't. It does depend on where you are, but in the UK, being LGBTQ+ cannot be used to exclude you, not being married to your partner, being single, being disabled, having a history of mental illness if your illness is now well controlled, renting or not owning your home, belonging or not belonging to a particular organised religion, your ethnic background, citizenship (although you do have to have indefinite leave to remain or settled status I believe), or your age don't exclude you either. If you're over 21, you can foster. There is no upper age limit, so long as you can reasonably care for a child.
It's really important that we do increase the diversity of people who foster. As lovely as you and your husband are, some kids might do better in other homes. Some kids do better without male caregivers, some do better with carers who share their ethnic or cultural background, some might have religious trauma and do much better in a family that doesn't take part in organised religion. There's no way one family can be right for all kids who need care.
If you have a spare bedroom and you haven't committed certain offences like crimes against children, you might well be able to foster.
In all fairness the religious part I think will do a disservice to those kids. They should see a family that actually represents proper religious beliefs, instead of just living in a bubble where they constantly think Christians are bad people.
I found healing in moving in with my father and leaving my mother who was completely immoral with her religious beliefs. My father showed me what being a Christian was truly like. I went from an atheist who got triggered everytime I heard the name "Jesus", to a devout Christian in a month. I no longer hold onto the "religious" trauma I received from my mother.
@@Roar2Bheard22um no. Fostering isn’t an excuse to push your religious beliefs on children. If the natural family is Christian, great. But if they’re Jewish or Muslim or Buddhist or atheist, their child certainly has the right to not be forced to participate in your church. If your children were in care, would you want them taken to a mosque every week?
@@aroundthemiddle2112the mosque example makes you look very islamophobic. Yikes.
@@Roar2Bheard22not you thinking parents should push their religion on kids
@@Roar2Bheard22being disabled also depends on what you’re disability is. Same for any other health related issues
I’m so glad the children in the house get a say. Not just for their happiness but the foster child as well. Having an unwanted child in the house, especially with children, can easily lead to bullying and hateful language. Definitely not an ideal environment for an adjusting and most likely hurting child
Yeah, I was adopted by my grandmother
when I was 4 and my brother was 6.
I remember being asked by my grandmother, the lawyers and the judge if we were okay with being adopted by a relative.
We were asked because they had to make sure that we understood that by being adopted by a relative we were that much more likely to see our biological mom
Where are you that the judge will ask? I'm just curious, I grew up in SC with a kid who was placed with grandparents he hated
@@slithra227 Arizona
Having too many of your own kids...? But the system is willing to shove 12 boys into a house that only offers one room for all of them and says nyah that's fine?
They can’t put a limit on how many kids you can have but they can not put more in the house. No one wants group homes to exist but there aren’t enough foster homes for them not too
I have no experience for this, but I'd imagine that there's also a difference in moving into a house with a massive family vs living with several other people in roughly your same situation. And you're definitely right, group homes aren't ever the ideal
There's a lot of weirdness about foster homes. Like there's a lot more scrutiny on a foster home than on a kid's bio home for some reason?
But I do kind of get that one. Ideally there should be room for incoming foster kids in a foster home, but if there just aren't enough homes then it's either shove 12 of them into one room or they sleep nowhere. I'm also wondering if the "too many kids" line may have been partly about bedroom space. Like maybe you could have 15 kids in your house but still foster one or two if you had 20 bedrooms?
Here the local foster groups often complain as they frequently are housing teens in the local jail population as there just aren’t other beds.
I do agree with you the housing for many that foster is subpar however there are just far far too families that open their homes to fostering.
Maybe because of all the rules@@greenbeantm1096
tenants can be a risk which is difficult to measure. especially if they do not want to comply with basic identification.
edit: after reading all the concerns and looking this topic up, I agree that fingerprints are not basic identification.
Yeah, where I am, you can convert your garage on your property to a rentable unit, but there are definitely considerations for foster parents
@@foster.parentingas long as they have access to the same areas the foster kids would be, I think it might be risky. thanks for educating us! :)
_"...do not want to comply with 'basic identification '..."_ 🤐 "Basic identification" is showing my driver's license (I'm happy to do that when appropriate). I just don't care to be yet in another data base. That doesn't mean I'm a drug pusher or child abuser and don't want to be found out. I'd simply prefer to stick to the really _basic forms_ of identification. I don't know, like two different kinds of picture ID. My landlord's life plans are not necessarily mine; nor should they have to be. And that's all there is to that. Bummer for the landlord, but maybe he should tell the tenants beforehand about foster plans and all that is involved. And yes, I know, I know... the government probably knows everything down to my shoe size and what toothpaste I use; but still.
@@thekingsdaughter4233I 100% agree with you. tenants should be either informed about the foster system beforhand or not be bothered if they decline the identification. clearly the landlord has more power over the situation and can also decline fostering for some time.
@@thekingsdaughter4233 I totally get that, I don't like volunteering extra information to the government either. But if I know it means a kid gets a safe home, I would probably make an exception. I'm not able to foster right now, I'd like knowing I'm making it possible for someone else though.
Thank you so much for bringing up that not disclosing to your adoptee that they are an adoptee is harmful, wrong and honestly vile. And I am an adoptee.
I fostered my nephew and unexpectedly he's was removed. We were told 5 different lies by his worker, and she tried having charges put on me for an incident from July 4th that I was NOT involved in. I talked to the prosecutor, and that's when I found out that she was the one trying to have charges on me. There was also NO INVESTIGATION for the allegations. Had a proper investigation been done they would've known I wasn't present for that incident. Thank God a temp foster was available for 2 weeks and from there another family member was able to take him. I was going to adopt him and that was ripped away from us.
They get funds from the government when they adopt out and if it's bio family they don't get those funds so that's probably why. When my sister in law had her kids removed, the social worker tried saying my mother in law tested positive for meth. Meanwhile she's elderly, eats really healthy, exercises and is against drugs and alcohol. Some of the social workers are con artists.
The rental property that is completely fenced off I find odd. If it was a neighborhood with close neighbors does that also disqualified you? Do they run a check of the neighborhood?
I think because it's technically on the same property.
@@VioletJoy who owns the piece of land should make no difference for the children. Actually being the landlord even gives more power than only being neighbors.
@@tf3655 Well, it's a safety measure that was most likely put in place for a very good reason.
@@VioletJoy so why would it ok if the tenants actually own?
You should have rules for the adults sharing spaces with the children and not making this based on ownership. A tenant can be in a completely separate space (as mentioned closed off) so why more dangerous than a neighbor?
@@VioletJoyit's more like an outdated overlooked rule that isn't helping much
Thank you for mentioning that adopting a child and not telling them is an unhealthy parenting practice ❤
How is it unhealthy? Just curious. Alot of people I know do it.
@@frequentblondie it creates trauma. Can you imagine if your parents and family sat you down and told you that you were adopted? How would you feel? It can easily create a sense of betrayal, deception, uncertainty, etc. The problem is that people who choose to do this tend to go one of a few routes:
A) Never tell them they are adopted, which means that they’re risking them finding out randomly throughout their lifetime from someone else, a dna test, or themselves. Leaving them with the weight of deciding how to handle knowing this. This also means that they may never have the opportunity to meet their birth parents or family if they wanted to.
B) Tell them when they’re 18. This is cruel for a few reasons IMO. 18 is usually when I child is in their last year of high school or about to go into college. Throwing a curve ball like that at a young adult trying to navigate the rest of life isn’t nice. It can also be the way of cutting of a foster child, but thankfully that’s usually not the case people just assume an 18 year old would handle it better.
C) Tell them “when they’re ready” essentially waiting for a time when I child is exhibiting stability so that they can spring this on them.
It’s much better to be honest with a child about serious topics and things that can/will effect them when they grow up. A child will grow up with the understanding that they are adopted and it will become normal to them, a young adult or teenager will have the rug pulled out from under them.
I think it can vary, my sister was adopted and told, she grew up feeling like an outcast. My husband was told at 17 and even at 33 he doesn't want to know his bio parents as his parent are his real parents, to him, he never once felt betrayed.
@@frequentblondieI was told at like 11 or 12 don’t remember but around fifth or 6th grade, and I felt really betrayed because they told me they couldn’t tell me sooner because if I told anyone I would get bullied. It really messed up my self esteem and I ended up telling all my friends and none of them cared and if anything asked the occasional polite question. And yeah I still have the trauma of believing I’m gonna be bullied for it even though I disproved it multiple times.
Sorry for the rant…
Yet so many unsafe people with prior convictions have been able to Foster or adopt.
I just need any parents who think it’s okay to not tell their children that their adopted is okay, that it can cause so many issues mentally, emotionally, and even physically. First off, they’re never going to trust you again, because you’ve lied to them their entire life and no one wants to feel like their entire life is a lie. Secondly, that can literally cause health issues if they grow into an adult believing that they’re your biological child because doctors need accurate medical history and they’re not going to have it. But also, it’s just flat out not okay, I’m an adoptee myself and my parents NEVER lied to any of their adopted kids about where they came from.
Thank you so much for saying this. I am also an adoptee and it's shocking how many people think that lying about adoption is okay. We've known for years how damaging that is.
I know people who are planing on not telling their child they’re adopted until they’re 13… idk if that’s still the plan, but no one’s talked about it in a while. I’m also adopted and my situation was very similar to their child’s, and I can’t imagine not being told my own story.
Please talk openly about your kids adoption. Make it just a normal thing that happened in their life. My parents made it a kind of cool thing that happened. No, being put up for adoption doesn’t sound like the happiest thing, but being adopted by a loving family is! My family got me an “adoption book” that has a bunch of pictures from around my foster care and adoption process that show’s family and friends holding me and playing with me, and it made me really thankful to have been brought into such an amazing family. I’ve always been super proud of my adoption, and never felt embarrassed to tell people about it! ☺️
If I adopt a kid I won’t tell them. They’re mine. Of my body.
Problem is, I plan to adopt a 12-14 year old. 😂. They might suspect something….
@@amyx231 they might notice yeah 😅
But if you do adopt children that aren’t old enough to remember being in foster care, please tell them. Being adopted doesn’t make them any less your child or you any less their parent. But denying them part of their own story won’t end well when they eventually find out. :)
@@EijiroKirishimaOfficial that’s the point. They won’t need to find out. I don’t plan to have bio kids so there won’t be any unfairness in treatment or inheritance. I’ll get a birth certificate reissued with my name on it. It’ll be a full adoption, not the legal-only kind the US uses. From where I’m from, it’s not really done to tell kids they’re adopted. If I was adopted, I …actually I’d want to know, but that’s due to personal reasons. If I was adopted to a loving family, I wouldn’t want to know, because then I’d fear they wouldn’t want me if they have their own, etc. Jealousy of the blood kids, unfair treatment, etc…too many risks. Once you adopt a kid, they’re yours. No ifs or buts. I’ve literally had a woman tell me, my daughter blah blah blah, oh but she’s adopted. The kid’s face…was not happy. Also, I don’t believe she was best served being in that home, tbh…the adoption seemed almost to be to make the mom look good rather than because they wanted a kid to treat as their own.
@@amyx231 that’s the parent’s fault, not the kids. If you explain that to them and make sure they know they’re just as much family as anyone else, hopefully they won’t have that fear. But denying them part of their own story, their own history, lying to them their whole lives… I don’t think anyone would be ok with that. Every situation is different in adoption, but there’s always the chance of a bio parent wanting back in the child’s life, or the child finding out they are adopted from a DNA test. I’m not judging you for your decision and I’m not 100% sure where you’re from or how adoption works there, but I know In any circumstance if my family lied to me my whole life about my adoption, I would feel hurt…
Teenage years? Yeah that makes sense🤦🏻♀️
The not telling the child that she's adopted being labelled "unhealthy parenting practice" im glad this line of thinking is gaining some traction.
Yes, it would mess me up to find out later in life.
But kids are understanding and learning about the world, they will think that's just how it is.
Can someone explain why this is unhealthy? I am genuinely asking.
@@yanasto if you don't just make it a known fact from when their young and wait until their older it can be traumatic
imagine just one day finding out you're parents aren't you're parents (biologically)? thats traumatizing. You create then distrust with between the parents and kid and worst of all create the idea that being adopted is something to be ashamed of.
@@yanasto Adopted children shouldn't be lied to about their origins when they're young (i.e. telling them they have been birthed rather than adopted) and then told they're adopted when they're older because it often creates an identity crisis for them as they grow older. Also, it adds creates a layer of taboo onto the fact that they were adopted, which often makes it more difficult to accept.
@@yanasto lying to children about their own identity is bad. People deserve to know who they are and where they come from.
Imagine not knowing you're adopted and you end up marrying a genetic relative and you die from a medical misdiagnosis because you've been unknowingly providing completely inaccurate medical history. That affects not just you, but your children as well.
It's unconscionable and self serving to keep that information from a child because *you* want to be called mommy or daddy.
I mean "you" as in universal you, not you personally of course.
The first one: owning rental property
In Colorado (Denver/Aurora) you don’t need your tenants to be fingered printed IF they have a private entrance..
I am so glad the kids are viewed as humans!! 💞
Hey! I’m so glad you shared the info about kids having a say in whether or not a family adopts. Unfortunately, when I experienced this, my parents purposefully bullied my siblings and I to say yes bc my parents were very abusive/utilized foster care and adoption to aid their own egos. I was basically threatened to tell our caseworker “I definitely wanted another sibling” (my family was already huge at that point). Sometimes I feel like more investigation needs to be done but I know social workers can only dig so far before it goes beyond their paycheck. The system really needs more safeguards for these kids bc it did not end well for most of my siblings and I (thankfully none of us have contact with my parents anymore).
I watch a lot of channels that cover CA cases and children that have died in foster care. I love this channel but I struggle to believe that CPS really IS like this? All I’ve heard is fail upon fail upon fail and these poor babies lose their lives.
I wish I could figure it out. My agency is so strict. But yet I hear from former foster youth in my county that they are experiencing so much maltreatment from foster parents. I wish I knew how that was actually happening.
@@foster.parenting I think you are beyond phenomenal. I really do. I was whipped and beaten as a child in foster care, and no one did anything, just moved me on to another hell hole. I don’t really know how to explain it but I have found healing in this channel. I have been able to actually see that the children that are unfortunate enough to go into care, but fortunate enough to go through your home! Thank you for what you do and I have prayed for you many times as I will continue to do! You are a warrior for the children who come to your home and I am so beyond grateful that you do what you do for those children.
@@foster.parenting A lot of abusers are good manipulators or they wouldn't get away with it. I think it both has to do with unprofessional relationships between some foster parents and the social worker handling the case, some social workers being incompetent and the fact that narcissists usually go undetected by mental health professionals.
@@slothisasin8240 oh wow! I think you really got the nail right on the head there. Like that CPS worker that was taking bribes in the form of food stamps off that “mother” that beat her son to death and buried him in the back yard. It’s laziness too, and their total lack of care for what they are doing. “CHILD PROTECTION WORKER” means something? It’s not just a paycheque? These kids matter, their lives mattered, and we get 1 life, 1! And their lives were stolen in such brutality and the organisation that was meant to stop it, prevent it, to save them? FAILED!
Probably cause your watching channels that only highlight cases. I would strongly suggest balancing your consumption with positive adoption and foster care videos so you get the full scope
If there are these checks in place, why do overwhelming amounts of children put into foster care end up with abusive, drug addicted, or otherwise unsafe people , or used for their monetary value? I’ve witnessed it multiple times personally and heard of it many other times.
It's simple. 1. What of these checks would disqualify abusive people? 2. What kind of check could there be to accurately predict if someone will be abusive?
i think its the fact that theres just so many kids and not enough places to put them...plus whatever area you're in
@@cirrus.floccus Yep. People can act stable. I wish there were more checks, more visits, interviews with people you know etc. When cps came to my house my mother put on a grand act for them, she could've got an oscar for that performance 🙄
People lie. Also regulations aren't uniform everywhere, there's gaps. There's places that transfer almost everything but the bare minimum over to private agencies that set their own rules. Childcare isn't federally regulated in the US. And just because you have a clean and healthy housw doesn't mean that you aren't an abusive piece of shit in private
I absolutely agree that there are many valid reasons to prevent someone from being allowed to foster, but I do feel that sometimes people who would be fantastic foster parents are excluded for things that would not hinder their parenting, when we need more foster parents.❤️
I was adopted and I've never had one day where I didn't know that... please, don't be afraid to tell your children they are adopted. It only hurts them in the long run, and trust me when I say that children need to hear that when they are. Don't let them get too old before telling them, and don't convince them they are not. Eventually they will come to realize they are different from the adoptive family, and resent you.
My nana was a foster parent, and she ended up hosting my dad and aunt when they were little. She adopted the both of them and their other bio sibling to keep them together bc they hadn’t been for years. I have so much love and respect for her deciding to adopt three kids at once, and I’ll forever be grateful that I am able to know my aunt and uncle
A few years ago I went through all the training cot certified and everything ready to be disqualified because I was single and in social security it's ridiculous that someone who would be able to give kids 100% because I didn't work couldn't be a foster parent
Must be a state thing. That’s not the case in our state-unless it was social security for disability and that disability inhibits caring for children properly or if you didn’t make enough to care for yourself.
I think it's different from place to place. I'm from another country, but here you can't be a foster parent if you DO work. I think some part-time positions might be accepted tho, I'm not sure, but otherwise you can't, because supposedly, taking care of the children is your full-time job that you are getting paid for.
Probably because you don't have enough money to look after a child on income support or your income could be suddenly cut and you have no savings or any backup? It would make sense here because income support isn't enough for 1 adult, nevermind a child. They may also be worried you were only fostering for the extra money and would neglect the child. they do fuck all about bio kids with parents with no money tho.
@@lemolea9571 money was no issue they flat out told me I didn't qualify because I was single, they should have told me before went through all the classes and everything I had to do it was a waste of time, I wanted to help kids and not having any of my own I figured I could help kids in need and I live in an area where there is no where near enough families for all the kids in foster care
So why did they let you do the training?
That asking the kids thing is SO important. I remember debating going into a social services agency and was offered to tag along on visit like this. Everything seemed pretty nice, they needed to repair the backyard fence (was a safety hazard) and we suggested they deep clean the carpet since they mentioned was old but honestly no big problems. Then we went to talk with their 2 daughters (6 and 8 iirc?), the parents i guess didnt think that was part of the process, wanted to hover over them, and when we gave a couple questions they wouldnt let the kids answer. Immediate red flags and when we didnt get a moment eith just the kids they let on that they didnt want to live with mom anymore just dad, they didnt want a sibling and were clearly anxious. Thankfully they did not slip through the cracks and wasn't approved, i hope the kids are okay now. That stress ended up being too much for me but that was a truly valuable experience
I think it's wonderful that the children in the home have a voice in the decision.
Of course they should. They live there, and you're not creating a good situation for the existing kids *or* the theoretical foster kid if not everyone is 100% on board.
As a former foster sister, another thing that may be a disqualification (at least in my country of Denmark) is age.
My parents were removed from the foster program, but they’re also… 60. And they have raised me, my sister (adoptive children, we’ve always known, two white blonde, blue eyed people, don’t really create two, tanned skinned, brown eyed, black haired Asians) and about 10 other foster children, those are the ones that I know about, however I know my parents were actively fostering both before and after their adoption of us, as in my mother’s words
“Fostering made us realise we wanted to be parents, and we were trying to adopt one of our fosters but weren’t allowed to do so, as we weren’t approved adopters yet. So that’s how you ended up being our child”
Also now they’ve been removed from the child fostering programme, but they are approaching retirement age (67) they’re looking to foster kittens and puppies because apparently my mother has a need for something small and helpless in her house at all times and she’s not expecting grand children within the next 10 years
Lol I know a family that had literally all these warning signs (6 kids who had no interest in fostering, an alcoholic father, landlord to renters next door never discussed, yard full of snappy aggressive dogs…) and yet our local CPS had no trouble dropping a family of 4 children on them because the mom was talked into taking them against her families wishes. It was a terribly manipulative situation.
It ended a 15 year marriage with lots of alcohol and trauma for everyone.
Make sure to draw your own boundaries if fostering. They don’t actually care and many kids end up from the pan into the fire. Including the kids not in the system.
I really wish it worked like this ladies videos. Her content is wishful and how it’s supposed to be, not how it actually is.
Yes. I really wish it was always as good and non corrupt as depicted in these videos. Of course, there are good people doing the right thing for the right reasons. However, there are also corrupt people doing terrible things, allowing terrible things to happen and have zero care or good intentions and that shouldn’t be ignored.
Everyone has a unique experience. She said the staff in her county are really strict. Just cause you can’t relate to something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Its a bummer that this video had to be made. Thank you for putting information out there for people in a kind and gentle way :)
I love that everyone in the foster family needs to be on board, even the pets! I don’t know much about fostering, but I think making sure that they have a wonderful experience with animals is something I would find very important if I were to foster
Rental property separately from their home...So do the neighbors need to be fingerprinted too??
Not even close to the same thing 🙄
@@ftaylor29why?
@@tf3655 access. duh.
The rental property is on their grounds. And they’re not neighbours, they’re living on the same ‘lot’ making them more than neighbours, which would be tenants
@@iMaePlay and then you get to a town where everyone is closer together and you have the sane distance to your neighbor. Not everyone lives in a suburb
Glad that not telling a kid they're adopted us listed as an unhealthy parenting practice.
I was told that I was adopted. It was always just another aspect of life. I bragged about it to other kids, too. It feels wonderful to be chosen.
The only people who thought anything of it were people outside of the family saying things like, "I'm sure your mom loves you just as much." Uh, yeah... Thanks? Why even that comment?
I've known kids who find out they're adopted later and it's incredibly traumatizing for them. Keeping something like that a secret is one of the best ways to permanently mess someone up in the head. It's never a question of if, but WHEN they'll find out. I don't understand why it's still an acceptable parenting practice to live in that kind of a lie.
I actually cheered to hear that not telling a kid they are adopted is unhealthy.
I'm glad the kids get a say. That's such a big change and change is hard on kids. They adapt quickly but sometimes not well
We fostered my cousin for a couple months but she chose to leave because our big family was too much for her. 2 years later DHS asked if we could foster her again and I was like, we could but we have MORE kids now so she'd be more stressed by the "chaos" and bedrooms are full. Yet, they still considered it, asked if we could at least temporarily take her...then ghosted me.
So it seems in some cases, family size and space restrictions don't REALLY matter to them.
I am so glad for the changes. I had horrific foster parents and my sister's were worse. Our first foster homes was a nightmare that made me think was a punishment for letting my parents get caught. They were so much more abusive than my parents and their kids were cruel and i still carry scars and back injuries from the "games" they played. They aren't perfect still especially when it comes to placing kids with family due to foster shortages when a lot of the family is a worse option than the parents. Removing children needs to truly be a last resort, not just something cps says
Truely so sorry you went thru that. Being forcefully removed from ones parents must be so traumatic as a kid.
I'm the second oldest of 6, and we fostered for a year. Both parents(married) in the home. And 2 dogs.
I believe it varies on what foster foundation you go through and the state.
This was incredibly useful and I bet a lot of social workers appreciate you saving them some time and headache.
If my parents found out I said that to a person and I ruined their chance they would
1 beat the crap out of me
2) yell at me
3)take away my phone not let me leave the house and probably make me stay in my room
more reasons they should not be foster parents 😂😂😂
@@eddyangstman true
LOVE THAT UNHEALTHY PRACTICES ONE! Tell your kids you adopted them! I really didn’t like matching with my birth mom on ancestry DNA after living 17 years of my life thinking that I was my parents biological daughter! It’s really confusing and really hurtful, it’s okay to be adopted it’s not shameful
I appreciate the piece about not sharing with a child that they were adopted. There are so many reasons why that’s a problem, many of which affect the adoptee much later in life. Even beyond the emotional impact, so many adopted kids have zero access to their original medical records or family medical histories. If kept in the dark about their adoption, it can have a profound effect on their health.
Thank you for the honest look at fostering. I work in the field and see unprepared or inappropriate families apply. I appreciate you educating folks on what a GREAT foster family looks like!
I rented an inlaw cottage and my landlord sprung the finger printing on me after i moved in😂 don't think she knew, she ran a daycare. I'm squeaky clean so i complied 😅
Good for you! I’d comply, too. The last crime I committed was 1977 when I swiped a candy bar. My mom made me return it and apologize to the owner!
I'd have moved out, not to avoid the fingerprinting but the kids. Quiet was one of my top priorities when renting. Now I live in a clearing in a forest where even some of the closest neighbors aren't aware of my house :)
@@katedustinrzonca9992I would probably check with a lawyer if I can sue the landlord as well. You don't spring it up on me AFTER I've moved in, this is the kind of conversation that needs to happen before we sign any lease arrangement or anything like it. And if the landlord makes the decision when I'm already there, again, warn me before the fostering workers arrive and I will probably comply, otherwise I will refuse. It's a matter of basic respect for another human being. (which is also, Imho, an essential value a foster parent should have, as Laura often demonstrates in her videos)
It would annoy me for it to be suddenly sprung on me after I moved in, BUT, I would comply because 1) My record is spotless and 2) I have to be fingerprinted for my job anyway! I work at schools!
It's fine that you chose to do that, but there are plenty of reasons why someone wouldn't feel comfortable doing it even if they would be cleared and that's perfectly okay.
If you can’t foster check out becoming a CASA (court appointed special advocate) or other volunteering in the foster system. It’s very rewarding!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS! I'd love to foster in the future and all the work you do is beautiful for others AND people like me 😊
Omg as an adoptee thank you so much for calling out not telling children are adopted as a bad parenting practice! No one listens to us and that makes me want to cry! 😊
Yes, this! I'm also an adoptee and it is genuinely shocking how many people seem to think that lying about adoption is okay.
@@readandfly they don’t think adoptees deserve the same as everyone else.
As a foster parent - at least in the state I live. As long as you are not a criminal with a record and make enough money to support a child/yourself. Then you can foster… they will literally take just about anyone. The system is overrun with kids - kids that are being forced to sleep in the state workers offices because they have no where to go. There are LOTS of people who have absolutely no business reproducing themselves let alone fostering someone else’s child…. But it really isn’t that hard as long as you have a clean record and make enough money to live.
My grandmother worked for social services in the 70s and it was such a mess that if they had to remove someone in an emergency, and they didn't have anyone to take them, they would have the kids sleep in the jail cells at the local police station.
But yet America thinks abortion shouldnt be an option 🥴 lets have even more kids be born only to shove them in the foster care system
Every state should do this.
America has a LOT of kids who can't find homes, we can't afford to be more choosy than your state is.
The problematic part is when potential foster parents are denied for reasons that are actually an asset. Like, why are autistic adults routinely denied when they'd be the ideal foster parents for autistic children? Physically disabled adults are also routinely denied. Couples where one partner or both are LPs are also, routinely denied. All because a person living in a physically-typical body with a neurotypical brain determined it would be too much of a hardship for them. . . let that sit for a moment.
This is so informative!!! Fantastic reporting; I enjoy this kind of content!🌻🌼🐝
Honestly I think these points are perfectly understandable. These poor kids being passed around from home to home need some stability and someone that can actually focus on their needs. ❤
Thanks for your video
These seem more reasonable
If you're trying to be a foster parent & your kids disagree but you try anyway then not only should you not be a foster parent but you're a very selfish parent to your own kids. Shame on you. I can imagine how it must feel to be a child in a family like that, feeling so unimportant & not heard.
@NightOwl0230 But adding another human being in the house when they don't feel comfortable with it isn't fair fir them, especially when it comes with the responsibility & shared attention that fostering would have.
@@NightOwl0230 wow I hope you never have children. They deserve much better
@@NightOwl0230it could be harmful to the foster kid too though, since the kids in the home who are not on board might harbor resentment and mistreat them when the parents aren't looking. The foster kid has already had the trauma of being uprooted, it would do well not to place them in a different stranger's house where other kids will ostracize them. It is important for everyone in the house to be on board.
@@NightOwl0230 I get the feeling that you're a very selfish parent. When kids are younger, it's easier to accept new members of the family, especially if it's a new sibling. (Duh!)
@@NightOwl0230 were you ever a child in a foster family? if not I suggest you close your mouth and actually speak to people who were/are. Like me for example! My parents have been fostering since I was 4 years old. The children have set fires, have no respect for personal property, enter my room without permission to snoop around, steal and destroy things, they have burnt plastic and left it outside my door, hoping the fumes would kill me, and because of how troubled these kids are my parents have never had any time for me because they constantly need attention. No I was not asked when I was very young, and I continued not be asked and then not to be listened to when I did express my dislike of the situation. It's not as cut and dry as you think it is and if a parent does not LISTEN to their children when they say they do not want other children in their home, a place which is supposed to be their safe place, then they should expect their children to hold resentment against them (no matter how much they love them) and to end up in therapy. Fostering is VERY different from your parents having a baby. A full grown child or teenager with their own life experiences and troubles and issues and opinions is VERY different from a new baby who will integrate into the family perfectly fine because they are a blank slate. You sound very ignorant in thinking that the two situations are in any way similar.
Yes! I live in the back house of a property, had to be finger printed and background checked so the front house could foster.
These are all very valid. Not much good if the kid goes from one bad situation to another not so great one. They need a strong family and lots of help
As a kid, whose parents didn’t notify me I was adopted when I was fostered by them from 11 months and adopted at age 4 found out that I was adopted at the age of 20. It’s best to let your kids know that you adopted them letting them know that you love them no less and I know my parents absolutely love me the same as they love any of their kids, life would’ve been a lot easier to make sense for me finding out that was adopted and having Nalda things in place there because we found out that I have ADHD and that was found out after we went and was like oh you’re adopted maybe you have this to see if I had feel alcohol syndrome and I didn’t it’s just something that would’ve been nice to know growing up because a lot of things just clicked into placelike memories that I couldn’t quite put my finger on and stuff like that
This is really helpful. Thanks
I personally am a foster child and I am on a Long term no chance of going back to our Biological parents and having a Babie or divorce does not sway it that much. As much as other children feel like a foster child is taking away the attention from their own parents, they only really think about that they have parents who can look after you or even care for you but if a foster child hears that they feel even more unwanted then they already did. If the child is unaware that they are Foster children you should ALWAYS tell them no matter their own reactions they need to know. I hope this helps!
Now add, "Yes we know he's your biological nephew, but he doesn't have his own room so if you decide to go through foster system for financial help, because you didn't plan on taking care of a whole living being depending on you suddenly, we'll take him away from you and place him with a family that isn't related or even in the same county."
I was in a foster hime that somehow got filled WAY past max capacity (supposed to be 6, but they had 11) no bio kids. Somehow the state placed 5 more kids then they were allowed. We were only 2 to a room tho it was the most comfortable home i lived in 😅
I get the feeling Foster families often end up being asked to do more than they should because the whole system is pushed to breaking point.
Like you down end up with people with more foster kids than planned, or they were only supposed to do respite care, but end up doing longer term etc
I think once you're on the books, the agencies are really desperate.
I think you possibly ended up in a home with multiple social workers assigned who weren't communicating at all, and the extra kids weren't documented correctly. I'm glad you still had a good experience though! Hopefully you've been able to get some stability!
This is amazing content. Superb. Thank you.
I grew up at a Children’s Home- this is really beautiful. 💙
I wasn’t told I was adopted until I was 9 and I think that was perfectly appropriate ❤ not everyone’s situation is the same but I think the next question should be, “when and how do you plan on telling them”
I'm so sorry it was withheld from you for so long. You deserved better
@@damian8278 ... I'm confused by your apology. You weren't involved and the OP said they're okay with the situation.
We told our twins that their adoptive dad (the man I married when they were 2 years old) wasn't their bio dad when they were 9 as well! It seemed like the right time as they showed enough maturity to handle the information. Hubby had been in their lives since they were about 10 months old. He was all they knew. They wanted to know about bio dad, and asked a bunch of questions, like why he left. I told them the truth, that I didn't know. But that I think he was scared. One daughter was curious with lots to ask at first, then felt sad for me. But she said she was glad I met daddy. The other was a bit upset as she didn't believe that my husband wasn't her father. She said she and her dad were way too alike, and kept asking me if I was sure 😂🤣.
I was told by an older family member as an offhand joke. My great grandmother was dying in a hospital bed in front of us. She's cracking jokes that my parents had to explain to a crying 7 year old on the car ride home. My mom blames my great aunt for being such a jackass, and she was, but I really think they should have told me earlier. I was already having questions that they were refusing to answer before that happened
The fingerprinting thing is so invasive I'd hate it but then I'd feel guilty because it'd prevent fostering IDK I don't like it
They're trying to help prevent criminals from having access to the kids.
@chonkynotstonky 100% understand that but I stand by what I said. I don't know what a happy medium would be for this
@@angilovesYou just don't get to foster then. Or work with children at all. It's a requirement, period. So you can either be fingerprinted or give up on fostering. You can donate money or something but without fingerprinting you will not be able to work with kids in any way.
@@thedeviouspandaThis person is not talking about wanting to foster without being fingerprinted. They’re talking about being fingerprinted as a renter so that the people who own the rental property can foster. Very different situation - they’re saying they don’t want their privacy invaded, but also don’t want OTHERS to be prevented from fostering because of that, so it’s an uncomfortable situation.
Which I agree with completely. They are fingerprinting everyone in an apartment building or neighborhood either, so a renter with a fenced off home shouldn’t be any more of a ‘threat’ than any other neighbor.
We went through a foster company who denied us because I was diagnosed with depression, but allowed a convicted felon with a drug charge have 3 kids, went through a different company and said that company was weird and broke a lot of rules
Subscribed because I hope to be a foster parent one day ❤ Thankyou for sharing your advice and knowledge 🫶🏽🦋
YES as an ✨adoptee✨ i’m telling you please do not hide from your adopted kids that they’re adopted. it won’t help anything. i’m so grateful my parents just told me straight off the bat so that it was NORMALIZED in my mind
From experience, they don’t disqualify people enough who really shouldn’t be foster parents.
I've always wanted foster children one day. Your videos help see what that looks like.
It’s probably best if childless couples foster instead of pushing these kids into a home that already have children. Many in the comments have mentioned how neglected they felt when their parents fostered.
Yet somehow pedophiles child abusers keep slipping through the cracks? Talk to the majority of foster kids about their experiences
Unfortunately people who want to abuse the children can be more motivated to meet the requirements
I bet most of them have stories about being abused by other foster kids. Someone linked me a study that looked at girls in foster care and while most but not all were abused, 100% of the girls they studied had abused another foster child.
Girls in foster care, a vulnerable and high risk group by Elizabeth Dowdell. 100% of the children studied had been sexually inappropriate with other children.
I was thinking the same thing if the standards are that stringent then how do those things still happen?
It’s not ‘slipping’. Abusers do not have it stamped on their forehead. They are opportunists who look just like you and me and are often living a totally normal life as far as anyone can tell from the outside. You cannot tell if a person is safe from looking at them, their job, their home, anything and the belief that you can is a comforting lie that ends in harm - not only for foster children but biological children, family members, students, churchgoers, etc. There is no way - and there never will be! - to observe a person and then say ‘okay, this one has zero potential for abuse’.
So every renter you ever rent to has to be finger printed? You need to check with your lawyer about you local and state laws. This sounds illegal to require.
From the horrible stories that are shared about foster homes, I’m shocked but pleased to hear there are some efforts behind trying to vet the families.
Thanks for the learnings ❤
Fostering or adopting while already existing kids are against it should be instantly a no. Otherwise, it's how you destroy a family, start hatred toward the new kid, and the only thing you can expect is a disaster
But if they say no it can cause resentmem tand ruin the family anywyas bc if parents want a kid there gonan have one whether they foster or get pregnant. Most kids don't wnaan share there toys and their parents
@@Havis_Princess it is a bit different with getting siblings through pregnancy. There's the influence of hormones on the kids as well. The infant is 'blank', growing into the existing family and adapting.
When fostering, you get a stranger in your house, with their own habits, quirks and issues. A total stranger invading your safe space.
If a parent decides to foster against their own kids, there's something wrong in the family relationships
@@cyanide166 foster kids.also adapt to the family and the family adapts to them too. Usually when kids say no it's bc they don't want another kid in the house so it wpuldnt make a difference if it's pregnancy or not and it will grow resentment between the kid and their parents if the kid says n0
My parents were foster parents and it caused our family so much turmoil and heart ache. I wish they hadn't subjected me and my brother to it tbh. We had a great family before it. I would never recommend anyone be a foster parent.
Same here buddy. People tend to think it's all ladida but I guarantee if someone just decided to put a destructive stranger in their house and said "live with them, you have no choice" they'd have an issue with it. It's just that apparently kids opinions and feelings don't matter/count. Oh well.
@@annaamariaait was said in the video that children have input
@@spiffymouse3848 maybe where she's from bro but clearly not where either of us are from
My dad got remarried and his wife does foster care and has her own two kids with a third thats in and out of the house. I do not want my dad to be a dad to a bunch of other kids but not me and my brother. I understand why foster care is the way it is etc. I hate having to be in the same household.
I agree with all of this, and I LOVE that they consider the feelings of the children already in the home.
I cannot belive people still don't tell their children they are adopted. Like come on people. So thankful my parents had since enough and told my brother and I from the beginning.
So could you have pets as long as there trained??? Just curious. What's the rules on pets?
yes - sometimes there is a max number of dogs or cats. And some agencies put restrictions on the breed of dog.
@@foster.parenting that totally makes sense, thank you so much
@heatherdyer7271 also depends on whether you have vaccinations for said pets. If they are not keeping up with vaccinations it poses a safety risk for the children/youth in the home
Very interesting! Thank you for sharing.
My landlord was gonna be a foster/emergency home, and needed my background checked. I have fighting, drugs and car theft on my record from 2014 which I've been to jail for and time is served.
Wasn't even a minor inconvenience, they apparently just look for vice cases (SA, SR, CP and stuff like that) when you're gonna be around kids. Which I honestly think it's kinda fair. Making a "mistake" like i did in my early 20's shouldn't label you as an unfit parental figure, having fiddled someone, grown or not, should exclude you from further existence
Can you foster if in an apartment?
Yes
@@foster.parentingso why is a tenant a problem?
Also, one of the adults in the home being on the autism spectrum (regardless of support level) can be a factor; ableism at its finest!
My [deceased] adoptive mom broke so many rules. SO. MANY. Fostered in the 90s was a wild time.
Yet, as a foster kid, I can tell you the worst people get approved.
In many ways it seems like a broken system. There are agencies and companies profiting from kidnapping.
These things mostly just disqualify the good, and honest, families. The scum still get approved. The more evil they are, the more willing they are to lie.
Bingo
Right?!? It's like there are sooooo many foster "parents" abusing the system and hurting children and the ones that would be good are disqualified because they didn't want to tell their 2 year old who wouldn't comprehend yet that they are adopted. Ridiculous.
CPS only seems to hassle decent people
@@Starlight_16a two year old can definitely comprehend what adoption is in their own way lol. just say you think kids are dumb.