New foster parent vs Experienced foster parent: Showing new foster child their room
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ก.ย. 2024
- Many first time foster parents spend months in anticipation, getting the room prepared awaiting the arrival of their first child in foster care.
It’s important to remember, though, that the child who is entering your home is going through crisis. We shouldn’t expect gratitude or excitement, instead focus on matching their tone, validating their experiences, and offering as much choice and control as possible.
As always I welcome your comments below. How do you support kids in the initial moments and days? How do you create a welcoming bedroom for kids?
Looking for more? I offer 1:1 DM support (plus checklists and templates) on Patreon for as little as $1. / fosterparenting
100% agree don't put a child on the spot asking if you they like something. Not a Foster kid myself but was and still am extremely anxious and would just agree for 'safety'. Don't want to compound an already stressful situation
The worst experience was usually it was a shared room with their bio or adopted child so the room was already "somebody else's" so even if you wanted to personalize it felt like you couldn't
Exactly. It's really tough being in a new environment with new smells and strange rooms. When I would be put in a new home the nice things in the home were the last things on my mind
Im not a foster kid but im also really anxious and people in hard situations being like the first part of the video is really not good
I'm a foster child. Saved myself from quite possibly the most toxic situation a child could experience. My mom didn't want me, everyday she'd make that clear with verbal and physical abuse. She was addict to meth and heroin and my dad was a one night stand who was a deadbeat alcoholic who forced me to drink alcohol at 7, practically held me down with a bottle of my throat and sexually abused me afterwards. birthdays were none, Christmas was unknown, even my birthday. We were broke a lot, hungry. How did they solve their money problems? They sold me around for money, my virginity was taken through rape, I was 12.
Anytime I wanted to find help, I was threatened with death. Poison, bashing my head in, hell even being shot on the spot. I was shut up for most of my life.
My p foster parents changed that all, slowly but not fully. I'm damaged but not broken.
@@elleanorjinner6965 I'm so sorry for all you had experience, I'm glad your foster parents changed your life for the better. No person should ever have to go through that. This is such a hard thing for children to go through, it's on foster parents to try to allievate these issues and not make it worse.
2 sided comforter is a small but brilliant call. May I mention, children coming from neglect often feel guilty about money spent on them, they have trouble asserting they don't like something. You really are foster parent goals, thank you for your sage advice.
OH on this note, remove price tags, unless it's something expensive enough to be worth returning if someone doesn't like it. Not just for foster kids, I never wanted to know what my parents might have spent, even if it was clearanced. (edit: i know nothing about fostering, so obviously if there's a rule about price tags, do that)
I was never really a Foster kid but I moved and live with my moms friends a lot since she couldn’t take care of me, no adoptions happened so I don’t think it counts as fostering but anyway, to this day as im almost an adult I still feel really bad when someone spends money on me and I don’t like it.
I bet they’d also be afraid their foster parents get mad at them like their biological parents did, probably going with the flow to not upset anyone. It may be hard for them to be honest when honesty would cause domestic violence.
@annistar9693that is so heartbreaking. As we know in an ideal world every child should feel loved and wanted . I use to work with children who didn’t get a lot of love or attention at home . They were absolutely lovely kids , and some of them I’ll never forget
Still do, honestly.
My three grandchildren got adopted by their wonderful foster parents!! I was sick and unable to take them when my daughter died. I was so worried!!! They now have a fantastic family!!! I couldn't dream of better parents for them and they keep me in their lives. I thank God daily that they were placed in this family.🙏🙏🙏
That's wonderful. I'm happy for you all. 🙏
I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter. How heart breaking.
I'm adopted and would hate it finding out I had REAL family 😡
@@maryburger1232 If the grandmother was too sick to give the children the life they deserved and now they have amazing people to take care of them and can still be in contact with their grandma, that's a win win situation, isn't it? Your feelings are valid tho and I hope you heal from whatever you need to.
@@maryburger1232 "Finding out"? I think they already know since they have contact with their grandma.
My mother was adopted but she always had contact with her biological parents and always knew. They were too poor to take care of her, so she understands it would be a hard life living with them. Her biological sister tho was adopted by other people and freaked out when they told her she was adopted bc they waited till she was almost an adult.
Fantastic!! TY 4 sharing that. Many of us worry about the grands should something happen.
I’m autistic and I agree with this method, even If I receive a gift I absolutely love, when I’m put on the spot I tend to not “look” happy. I look ungrateful or uncomfortable, when it’s not the case, I need time to process a gift, it’s similar with children, don’t make your children think you expect a reaction when you do something, give them time, and they’ll tell you they appreciate it
I really feel this, although for different reasons. Presents were often given to me before i underwent severe abuse from my family, so now when I'm given a gift i tend to be dissociated, faking it, not really happy or excited. Once I've had the gift for a few days, then I'm much more outwardly happy about it and will express gratitude much more honestly. Its just in those first few hours I'm unable to see it as anything more than a bribe for my compliance and silence, or as a thing to be taken away from me as a punishment later on.
I'm the exact same way.
Lovely advice, thank you
Yes, my family has learned instead of putting one person on the spot in things like Christmas and birth days, I’m now given my gifts to open when someone else is as well or before I’m around people on my birthday because I get too anxious expecting s reaction, lol. I’m super grateful for anything, it’s even a running joke that I’d be happy getting a potato, but I never LOOK happy or exited. It just looks awkward
I also don't look happy when I get gifts I like. I have social anxiety and presents make it really bad because I'm scared of them thinking that I don't appreciate it. Ironically, my anxiety makes it look like I don't appreciate the gift
I really appreciate how you show the importance of facial expressions. Parents who are going through trauma but want to comfort their kids often exaggerate happy facial features and gestures to pretend like everything is ok. But they also do it to try and get the child to act happy and ok so the parent can feel better about the situation. So when a new caregiver presents really cheerful with big smiles and big energy, kids can feel that its not a safe moment and that this person might be just like their parents. Or that they might be expected to act happy like they did to soothe their parents. So being calm and “normal” can communicate so much more about this being a safe place where they can shut off some of their manual trauma responses.
Thank you for this comment. 💕
I disagree but only partially, if exaggerated gestures and facial expressions is very natural to you and just a part of how you communicate then it isn't a problem, what you should avoid doing is trying to act any particular way around the child, you should just be yourself and as natural as possible with them, if you look like you're acting it seems like you're hiding something or that you're trying to manipulate them or that you're trying to bait them into giving a certain response, it makes people distrustful and puts them on edge because it feels insincere. If you just act like yourself and talk to them like they're another person, and their identity and feelings and opinions and experiences are just as important as yours, they will respond much better and be much more trusting of you.
This is only somewhat true.. If you’re a person who’s outside of the trauma, (like a teacher or caretaker) it’s actually more helpful to smile often and talk in a cheerful tone to the child. Distraction is crucial as well. I work in a crisis nursery and if we matched the energy of our clients coming in- we’d be screaming and crying too! You have to balance between validating the child’s feelings, discussing them as much as they want and also using your disposition to set the mood of the moment. Children will follow your lead and a child can tell when and adult is covering up an emotion! Calm and happy is the way to go. A lot of the kids I work with don’t have an adult in their life who portrays consistent good moods and positivity, or someone who’s always willing to engage with them when they want. So when they find one, they’re immediately intrigued! I’m a naturally happy and goofy person most of the time but I also have a strong nurturing spirit and the children tend to gravitate towards me! Luckily for me, that foot of trust in the door is enough to make a big difference eventually
Absolutely. And perhaps less info about personalising their room that they may well hope they can leave next day. The reality they are not going home soon may be too much to process on day 1
Thank you a lot for your comment. I come from an abusive background where both my parents had been abused, too, and never got any therapy or even friends to talk and then coped in ways that lead to different but equally severe kinds of violence and neglect towards themselves and each other and traumatic experiences for me, but however, I've left them behind and am starting to rehabilitate myself and am always eager to learn and understand more about what has happened to me and what made me first think and feel the ways that I harbour until today (I am 26) even though they've adapted. Going back to see how the core of disorders, inner conflicts and other suffering has (probably/partly) formed has proven to be very helpful for me to come closer to leading a stable life. So I am very grateful for this insight of yours. I definitely found myself in this explanation and that means a lot for me. :)
And it's super ok and very natural, if the child is angry and Hates everything.
Just keep on loving them without smothering them and without expecting anything in return.
They did not choose to be with you.
They are allowed to be angry about it.
Indeed it's evidence of the pain and the projection in a safe space with understanding can promit healing
This is the level of kindness I want to show and be shown in every day life.
Agree!!!❤
You found the words I couldn't out together. Thank you
That's what everyone deserves, to love and be loved.
This ❤❤❤ 💯
I love the idea of the wall decals! What a fun and easy way to let the kids customize their space! I want to be a foster parent when I'm older so I've really enjoyed your videos and your ideas!
ty for watching!
The wall decals are genius! It's a lot of work to paint a room (and I know many foster parents do paint, no hate on that) but for an easy quick personalization the decals are totally the way to go!
@@foster.parenting - not everyone is financial enough to be a foster parent.
Part of life and learning.
I don't see that system that works for kids or adults.
The whole thing is a sham.
If a potential parent doesn't have a vehicle, they will be denied being a foster parent, yet in places like NY, it's ok if foster parents don't have a vehicle and they use the subway. 🤦🏼♀️
@@ilovenoodles7483 She didn't say that everyone is financially stable enough to be one though?
@@ilovenoodles7483 She even has a whole different video talking about how all the expenses needed to take care of foster kids aren't always covered, and you may have to pay out-of-pocket. So she definitely wasn't implying that everyone's in a financial situation to do so.
as someone who has been through foster care and had abusive foster parents, when they took me up to my room i was told i could not change it and aways had to keep it tidy, they even made me put on new sheets because they didn’t want me to have the ones i brought from my house. when a child is moved from a comfortable environment to one they’ve never been in before it can be extremely overwhelming and to not be able to have your safe space like your bedroom at home, is very unsettling
That's absolutely awful. Why did they not want you to use your own sheets???
@@sarinabina5487 they made it very clear i would not be going home, my mother didn’t love me and i didn’t deserve it. they were going to adopt me but thankfully my mother got me back. they wanted to isolate me, took away all of my electronics, couldn’t see any friend unless i cleaned the entire house (it was 3 stories + extremely cluttered)
@@desertsoull This sounds borderline abusive… those people should not have been foster parents. I’m glad you got reunited with your mom!
@@desertsoull Uhm did you tell your mother or social workers to report them? People like this should NOT be allowed to foster or adopt. Were they the religious fundies too by any chance??
@@alexreid1173 Doesn’t sound borderline abusive it is abusive. People like this shouldn’t be allowed to foster or adopt. They shouldn’t even be allowed biological children.
Not just foster parent goals but PARENTING goals in general!! Parents need to be more aware of their children's feelings.
AMEN !!! 🎉🎉😊❤
But parents would already be aware because they’ve known the kid since they were born, this is for meeting someone new during a crisis situation and having to stay in a strange place
As a foster kid, this made me cry so much. Thankfully my parents (I consider my foster family to be my real family) welcomed me with open arms. When I met my foster mom for the first time, she kissed me on the head, I felt embarrassed like a daughter would be with her mom. That’s when I knew that they were my family. I first met my mom when I was in the mental hospital during visitation. When she left every one was talking about how she was such a cool mom, and I genuinely felt that. My parents had at least 30 kids before me, so they’re really experienced. I love them so much. I can’t ask for a better family.
P.S. I’m sorry to whoever didn’t and/ or doesn’t have a good foster home. There are really bad ones out there and I’m so terribly sorry. I’m here for you whenever you need.
I’m so glad they’ve treated you so well ❤ that’s wonderful
That's very nice to hear because we are hoping to do long-term foster care in the future. We are 27 and 29 years and have 0 experience in that so far but hearing your experience from childs perspective is encouraging. I have worked with kids from 0-10 years old in the past.
I love how this is framed as “new” vs “experienced.” It’s not that somebody is doing something “wrong” for which they need to be ashamed. But there are lessons learned and methods modified based on experience. It’s a gracious way to help well meaning people learn.
And that the 'new' is clearly well-meaning and well-intentioned
You’re convincing me I could probably make this work. I have two extra bedrooms in my house, work for myself and fortunately have the resources. I have been hesitant because my mom was such an asshole and I’m afraid of treating a child anything like how she treated me. Maybe I could! Maybe.
Read the book parenting from the inside out by Daniel siegel it's about reparenting yourself to be a better parent. 10/10
Remember that there is no more perfect time to start than the present! If you think you're ready and your life is stable financially then I think you should get the training and go for it! It will be tough at first as you figure it out but as long as you put the child first I'm sure you'll do great!
Maybe it's a good idea to process your own experience in therapy first, if you haven't already.
Bad parents don't tend to worry about if they're being shitty or not so you're off to a good start
Parenting courses are super helpful! I know so many people who had amazing experiences going that route, since you can go into tough situations with almost pre-determined steps on how you want to handle it. But I believe you can do it!
Thank you for these not only are they helpful for obviously fostering children but today I’m feeling especially guilty for not responding to my abusive mother when she messages me and seeing your behavior on these and how a caring guardian acts is more reassurance as to why I keep her so distant. Sorry to vent on here but I’ve been feeling super super guilty about it even though I know I shouldn’t 😅
Honey, it’s okay to protect yourself. Especially when the people who were supposed to protect you didn’t. Deep breath and release that guilt!
@@amygregg1658 thank you so much, truly 💞
You made that choice for a reason!!! You are so strong for maintaining that boundary. Keep it up. Sending internet hugs 🫂 ❤
Just want to validate: that guilt is a normal feeling. You're not bad or weak for experiencing that guilt. But it's also good that you choose to let go of the guilt, because ultimately that guilt is not warranted, and it isn't going to serve you. Keep going, you're doing great 🙂
Sweetheart, it's ok, I promise. She should feel guilty for what she put you through. You don't ever have to feel guilty for her. If she didn't have the time to be a good parent for you, you don't have to make time for her. Your welcome to vent whenever you want 😊 and don't let anyone tell you otherwise
This unexpectedly reminded me of when I was 18 and was living in a shelter for older teens/young adults. The youth worker said some similar stuff about my room, and acknowledged that it might feel weird the first night. Very sweet ❤
yeah I had the same thing sort of said to me at 17 when I lived in a supported accomodation place for homeless older teens/young adults
Friend of mine did fostering and she used that chalkboard paint in the rooms so the kids could draw, and put a piece of sheet metal on the wall for magnets and artwork hanging etc. She said it helped them express their feelings any time they wanted in the privacy of their own room.
This is absolutely spot on! I'm a CPS Manager, and this perfectly describes some of the things foster parents do (with the best of intentions) that can cause anxiety for children who have recently been removed or changed placements. I'm glad you showed a better way for foster parents to introduce a child to their new room. Thank you for sharing this!
Can I just say that as someone who grew up in a miserable tumultuous household, these videos are so so therapeutic to watch and just knowing that there are loving and caring parents out there is such a balm to my soul
I wasn't TECHNICALLY a foster kid, but my family bounced me from house to house from about the time I was 14/15 until I was 18. Watching your videos have been incredibly relatable and has helped me understand some of my own emotions.
Was it that you moved a lot or that they were divorced and had shared custody? I dont know what your case is but that seems hard to do as a child too.
@@Hi-wz9wc more or less, CPS gave custody to my grandparents, then my dad ended up getting out of jail, my grandparents decided they didn't wanna deal with me no more, moved me to my dad's house, then he moved me back with with my grandparents, which then moved me to my uncle's house, which then moved me to my aunt's house, who then moved me back to my grandparents house, who then moved me back to my dad's house, who then moved me back to my grandparents house, then I moved out on my own. Basically, they played the game of "I don't feel like dealing with you anymore so here, I'm passing that responsibility off to this person now"
As someone who came from an abusive household, I absolutely agree about not putting a kid on the spot. Often times, if asked if I liked something, I would agree out of fear of punishment.
Having spent a year of my childhood going to several foster homes, I would've loved them to act the way you suggested. No one was that way.
I'm sorry you didn't receive what you needed back when you needed it. Hope you are among the folks who find it healing to watch some of these videos. 🫂
Showing them where extra blankets are/giving them options for when it’s too hot/cold is also helpful
As a former foster child I teared up watching this. You’re out here doing the lords work with these videos. Thank you
Thank you. I had a foster mom like you. She died two years ago. She was well loved by the many foster children she took in an called family. Her and her husband made the most impact to me.
Hey I just got into your videos, and I really love how when you do these side by sides, you don't show the other foster parents in a bad light. Because a lot of them are really trying their best, but don't have the proper experience or awareness to get it right. You make it into a teachable moment and we honestly need more of that, especially in this area.
It helps that she freely admits that some of the "first time" vs. "experienced" content comes from looking with hindsight at her own experiences when she was new to fostering.
The decals is an incredible idea!!! For rental units too, that would have been an awesome thing as a kid that moved a lot, to have been able to take my decals off the old wall and put them on the new walls for continuity 💛
Good idea, but most decals for this purpose I've seen aren't reusable.
@@imzadi83fanvids7 you could always get the sticky window ones
@@msjkramey Will they work on walls?
@@imzadi83fanvids7 no, but they work on tiles. So if they're young enough to get bath time, they could play with them there
my foster parent was a lot like this. she was so kind, and ill always be grateful for her being so comforting in such a terrible time❤️ she helped my sisters decorate their room with all kinds of harry potter things, and even kept it that way after we left. i hope other children can have foster parents as caring and understanding as this. it goes a long way.
I am currently on my 2nd day living in an institution at 15, and the way you handle dealing with the kid, giving them time, space and validation makes me really happy.
Edit: not long has passed, and I feel pretty good. For anyone in a similar situation, believe me, it gets better.
I hope you're doing well now ❤
Are you doing better now?
So you ever get attached to the children? I couldn't do this because I would get attached to every single child and my depression would skyrocket from witnessing children missing their parents or having a bad experience. Thank God for strong people like you who help home and comfort these children! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ God bless you!!!!!
As a former foster child I only had 2 really good experiences with foster parents and I've had many I love seeing your videos to educate others keep it up 😁
I am endlessly impressed with how you always put the child and their perspective first. Wow. ❤
I agree. That is true selflessness 💖
this is HUGE. my fiancé and his 3 brothers were in and out of foster homes. he watched this with me and praised you. he’s told me awful, terrifying stories that have brought me to actual tears about his experiences in foster homes. i’m thankful to see a foster parent like you who cares. xoxo
My friend always let her fosters pick the paint color for their rooms and allowed them to help her paint them if they were age appropriate. The kids really appreciated it.
I’m 18 and no where close to being a foster parent but this heals my inner child it’s so wholesome, I wish I had met people like you along my journey! But at least now I can see your amazing videos sharing your kindness
Never been in the foster care system as a child or parent but this was very helpful. I feel like parents in general can learn from this. Too many times kids will say yes because they're too scared they will disappoint the parents.
I think another cool idea for some older kids would be those tack on magnetic posters. You can find them for just about any interest in music, anime, books, tv shows, etc.
The kids that stay with you are so incredibly lucky to be placed with someone as caring and sensitive as you. Being in such an uncertain situation is probably so scary for them but if I was in their situation I would be glad to have you as my foster mom. You are truly helping these kids in ways you don’t even know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I was in foster care and this would have been so lovely.
Everything that is happening is out of your control. Being decided for you.
It would have felt really good to be able to be in control or make decisions for yourself about a few things.
My mom taught me that it takes a special heart to foster or adopt children.
It takes an even more special heart to teach others how to do it.
I’ve worked with several foster kids and foster parents as a therapist. It was really an enlightening experience and I feel that foster parents often get a bum wrap. I’ve learned so much by attending adoptions, testifying in court for Parental Rights Termination and adoptions. The foster parents who adopted were wonderful and they go through so much to adopt and foster. In LA our court system tries very hard to shelter children when they have to go to court and testify. The Court had a special area for kids who have to testify against their parents. They had the sweetest “ support Poodle” in the room to comfort the kids. They also had age appropriate games, books and activities for them. The judge was very proud of these activities for these traumatized kids. An Occupational Therapist helped plan the area for them.
It's great you have these to assist parents who are also going through a big change and anxious about every choice they make for a kid they haven't yet gotten to know
Generally they also seem to not be excited about new things either… Lots of homes don’t let them take anything with them when they leave, they also aren’t always used to having nice things and that is overwhelming. Let them explore the room on their own and destress. What I noticed growing up in a home where my bio parents were the foster parents is that amazing rooms can sometimes feel too good to be true and that upsets kids who are used to rapidly moving from foster home to foster home! Especially where the foster parents just do everything for show so social workers think they are great. We had so many kids come through our home that could not imagine the way we were and how we welcomed them into our home was for real…. Breaks your heart seeing that with practically every single child. 😢
The amount of empathy had me nearly in tears. Giving the child a sense of control of their surroundings - the comforter, the decals - whew this hit home hard
Immediately subscribed. I’m 21 and grew out of the system and your videos make me feel so safe ❤
Making space for their emotions and not making them responsible for your own is exactly what they need. Love this so much.
The only thing I would do differently is not mention what the last kid liked bc it may make the new child feel like you might want to keep it that way, that you loved them and that it’s that kid’s room. I would just say that it used to be this theme and if they like the walls great and they are no trouble to change up. I wouldn’t even mention the wall theme on the first intro to the room. I would just say you got things you hoped they like and then when they settle into the house maybe talk with them about what kind of colors and patterns they might like with maybe some Pinterest pics and ideas. You can always put up some frames which open and can have swapped out artwork and photos the kiddo might prefer.
I am also wondering if you have a link to the ceiling light up projector you showed in another video. Your good intentions are felt and yet I tried to imagine the pain and fear and having to make a lot of change and decisions right away might be overload on any stressed or traumatized kid.
One thing you can offer is some music options in their room and coloring or stuff they can do alone if they want or can do while staying a bit guarded. I see that it’s your job to make them comfy and draw them out but first day and night and first few days will just be them all overwhelmed and bottled up. You are doing a stellar job tho at modeling excellent caring loving intake and care. I did foster for very young kids and would put some toys out on the floor and sit down and show them the toys and play a little with them with the toys before signing papers for social worker to leave. It was short respite crisis nursery care tho for age birth to I think it was five and up to 72 hours only.
"The last kid who stayed here.."
As the child, I'd feel like I'd never find a forever home. Always moving.
I think you’re such an extraordinary woman. You’re so wise and thoughtful.
I don't know how you do it. Foster parenting seems challenging, yet so rewarding. seeing that child somewhere safe and secure makes it all worth it. I want to do it, I wanna help children in need, but I don't think I could do it. Thank you for being so caring and loving for them ❤️ your the kind of person we need more of
If no one has told you recently you're doing a really great job, and changing lives 🎉❤ you're an earth angel 😇💗
You kill it every single time!! Working with foster kids with trauma, I love seeing all your tips they’re extremely helpful.
In the beginning the frog squish mellow was squashed between the bed and the side table- just wanted to point that out for no reason whatsoever lol
haha good eyes! you will always find a mistake in my videos or a typo - i do my best! :)
lol the frog is giving “this is fine” meme vibes
They’re not mistakes, they’re Easter eggs!
I don't understand what your point is
@@tag_u_rit i don't have one
Giving options and providing them quick ways to start making the space their own is such a big deal and makes all the difference ❤
I like that she refers to the last child in the room, reinforcing that this situation is not strange. Hopefully the child understands that this lady knows what she’s doing.
Also important that people understand that foster kids are often not happy to be in the foster home. We had a brother & sister who had been removed due to neglect - they never went to school and basically cared for themselves - they felt like they had been kidnapped. They were terrified of the police and CPS counselors since they were the ones who “took” them from their home. It’s so important to try to see things from the children’s perspective.
I think what you’re doing WONDERFUL!
Your lessons are probably giving a lot people the know how and confidence to open their home to children in need.
A little different but years ago I left an emotional/financially abusive relationship to stay at a friends home. This is exactly how she treated us. I will forever be grateful our time there to decompress with out judgment and plenty of room to figure myself out.
I love these. I am not a foster child or parent but I love that you honor the trauma that these kiddos experience 💕.
This woman is a God send never been a foster child but I appreciate the compassion that she has for these children and I pray that she is blessed to continue Gods work. Being a considerate decent human being isn’t that common anymore. ❤
I’m so happy to know there are people like you in this world 🙏🏻❤️
This lady always makes me smile when I see how she handles situations like this. More people need to be like this woman!!
Aw wish all of my foster parents to were this understanding. ❤😊
Thank you so much to all the good foster parents I hear of so many children abused when they go through the system and ive met someone that was abused horrifically by their foster parent. Im glad you are giving them a chance at a normal life and giving them so much love
The being excited is a HUGE thing, match their tone always, it’s important to remember that even the few times that kids actually want to leave their biological parents and homes and end up having a great time in foster care, it is still a ginormous trauma.
You’re an angel!
A site like this, is what makes social media a wonder. You're a blessing.
Far too young to foster or have kids but my therapist said I gotta reparent and comfort my inner child and this video felt like a nice hug so new sub o/
as a child who grew up in foster care i never felt more safe and comfortable than when i was given my own room/space to use however i wanted and allowed to make it look and feel how i wanted. they even let me choose the wall and carpet colors and choose my own clothes (when i was only 4 years old). as a child on the spectrum these things were especially important to me!!
People don't owe you gratefulness. The best love comes naturally!
Yes, I do want to go see. Show me the underwater creatures, please and thank you. ♥️
As a child who was in foster care for six years of my life, this really would’ve helped. I was moved around a lot and I am part of a Native American tribe so there was more complications.
You seem so kind. Wish all parents would be like you. You’re amazing ❤❤
Your videos keep poping up, and as a Foster child they always make me tear up. I know what it's like to be a kid in that position, and your videos show so wonderfully how to handle a situation. You are a true blessing ❤
I think it’s wonderful that you’re doing these videos for potential or first time foster parents. 💕🙏
The last one I need to comment on, most kids would say no and just keep the rainbow wall even if they don’t like it to not inconvenience you of changing it. So a more around the bush question is more suitably like „I’ve been thinking of changing it is there a particular wallpaper that you like? I can show you the ones I have in storage right now and you can pick one out it’s no problem. But if you like the rainbow one of course it can stay“
Love this, even for your own kids. Choice and control is 👌
I am watching you and thinking I need to be as sweet as you are to my own blood children, you're doing an awesome thing for those kids, you are a hero
As a former foster child, thank you for this. I appreciate you and all of the wonderful things you have been doing to be considerate and kind to the child (being spoken to in this scenario, i understand this is an educational example)
I’m a nurse & we’re taught Motivational Interviewing as a way of assessing our patients. I love how you show the “pros” and “cons” of each!
I’ve been through foster care and got adopted and then was abused and then was adopted again and your channel is really good! ❤
Also something that might help them is to take them to a store and let them pick out a few things. Especially if you are fostering a teen that is very picky with the things they like. Which also help you get to know there style
I work with children who are experiencing abuse, neglect, drugs in the home and those in foster care.. and I can tell you her advice is perfect!!! Conscious discipline and trauma informed care are two related and helpful topics one can educate themselves on before fostering, adopting, or even having their own child! I highly recommend both and can say from personal experience that they’ve helped me work thru my own trauma and behavioral flaws, allowing me to be a better caretaker 💝
I love and admire this woman so much. She's the real mvp!!
As someone who wants to be a foster parent someday, this is a huge help! Thank you!!
Thank you for posting these videos. I spent several years in foster care and I had great foster parents and some not so good ones. Thank you for bringing awareness to this. They're always like, the kids have behavioral problems. You think? I would be surprised if they didn't have behavioral problems. As you said, they are processing a huge loss and a huge change. I think that having those behavioral problems is pretty normal. I think they would be even for an adult. Even adults have emotions and have to process things and end up having similar reactions sometimes. People need to give these kids more grace and understanding.
I wasn’t even a foster kid but I had a huge anxiety problem growing up and my mom would put me on the spot all the time. She would show obvious disappointment if I didn’t pick things correctly or showed enough interest, and it led to me faking a lot of emotions growing up to keep her happy. So honestly this kind of conversation would have helped me feel more comfortable having my own opinions and interests as a kid.
If I ever adopted, I think I’d leave the room undecorated, and after they’d unpacked and “claimed” the room a little bit, perhaps after a couple days, I’d take some time off, if I wasn’t already, and take them shopping for decor, more clothes, new bedsheets they like, curtains, and maybe furniture like a desk and chair and lamp. Rather than guessing and hoping
You are so sweet, and I absolutely agree. I am not a foster kid but I have always had really really bad anxiety and as a child I was so stressed out visiting some of our relatives because they always put me on the spot asking if I liked the gifts or surprises that they got me, I know they did it out of love and I am so grateful for that but as a child it stressed me out so much to the point that I was afraid to visit some of my more “intense” family members. Thank you for making these videos🙏
I’m a foster kid well was one. And I agree, it’s a big thing and traumatic when you have to be in a new spot with new people. Personally I’d allow them time to settle and out there bags and what not down first then knock on door and say “hey it’s me” then do this.
I’m not a foster child nor I’m a _child_ rn. But I’m going to be 100% honest, I really can emphatise with the situation and even watching your “experienced” verson made even me at ease. I was a child who wouldn’t adjust easily and was not social. And can somewhat put myself in the shoes of the child who came to the this whole new place. It was so eye opening.
Not only shows us how we should PARTICULARLY act towards a foster child whose mental is in a very vulnerable state; but also any shy, intovertered, antisocial or even neurodivergent kids as well. Literally any kid who needs time and help.
This video is very thought provoking, eye opening and encourages to emphatise. Thank you so much for this 🥰
literally followin u bc i want to become a foster parent and this is stuff i needa know(the comments also help too)
So glad you mentioned also just backing off a bit and giving them time & space if they need it. I find that a really low-key introduction to the new home environment is ideal in the first few days. After they adjust a bit, then convos about choices and such are less overwhelming.
Your tiktoks are so important I don't think you even understand. It helps foster moms and birth parents understand the process. It's been through it personally and scary and frustrating and so emotional
This is such a good channel. You talk about things that I would never even think of.
I don't know why but these videos always bring out all the feels for me. Thank you for doing these. ❤
As somone that came from a horrible foster home I can totally see why this is an issue as a kid I still see the foster home I was put into as less of a home and more of a facility.
And I know some are worse than others but yes when your taken away from your parents, ESPECIALLY when your young it is TRULY traumatizing so thank you for putting this out there!
I cant stand to see children hurt, they are children. Ive never wanted to be anything but after having a baby (7 months) i just want to proctect these innocent people. Im glad to have found your page. I never thought of being a foster parent but i know i want to help kids
I’m not a foster parent (yet) nor have I ever been but I already feel experienced after watching all of these foster parent tik toks lol. It’s making me really feel like I want to volunteer in the future to be a source of support and comfort for children in need.
As a foster kid most of my childhood, i can agree this is true. This example is great.
We get all types: ones all up in your business too soon, ones that have a system already set up and we’re expected to jump into it, ones its clear theyre only doing it for show, ones who give lose guidance, ones who over discipline etc etc
As a foster kid, when I got into new houses, I often liked to be left alone in my new bedroom, to have time to take it in, and process my emotions for a few minutes, before actually having a tour of the house. But also sometimes, I didn't want to be left alone at all, because I didn't feel safe around myself.
Also, I had a really hard time making decisions (and still do), when I didn't even know what options I had. So options really helped me. Like "What do you want to do?": I'd probably not respond and feel bad about it. But "Would you prefer drawing, take a walk outside, play some board games?": I'd probably feel more confident in the real ability I have to choose one of the options, and actually choose something.
All that is how I would react, but every child is different, and some could probably feel like the options are restrictive in some way. But there's no way to know what a child prefers before you actually get to know them a little.
I don't know where I'm going with all this, but yeah. I just love seeing videos about foster care, because when I was younger, it had a bad reputation and there were a lot of stereotypes about foster kids. Also someone told me recently "See you really shouldn't judge a book by its cover. I had no idea you were a foster kid. I really couldn't see it." And although it's kinda backhanded, I always felt like I did wear it on me and that it stuck like a post-it on my forehead. So I actually liked hearing it.
As a foster kid I think the “experienced” side is a very very good way to introduce the kids bedroom❤
I love that they want the kid to feel safe
How I wish my foster parent(s) were like this with me. I stayed in 5 different foster homes within the 8yrs I was in care and I would say the very last foster home felt good. I Ended up aging out. Unfortunately my experience was that most foster parents aren’t this way. I’m glad you have this channel to help foster parents understand children and youth that are in care.