This is an amazing video, I really needed to watch this. I’ve been stuck in the pain of losing my husband. I used to think breakups were easy, but now that my husband has left me, I feel completely broken. I can’t even eat or take care of our kids! I need him back so much. I’ve tried everything to get him back, but he doesn’t want our marriage anymore.
I feel your pain, dear. I don’t think anyone can truly understand the pain I went through when my partner left me. I couldn’t have children, and I thought I would never get through it. But then, a friend of mine introduced me to a spiritual counselor, and he helped me reconnect with my partner. Now, I’m happy with my husband, and we have two beautiful kids.
I am an avoidant, in therapy, and this seems really incorrect to me. For me, I don't want someone to control my environment. I'm actually a mega control freak about my environment because my environment is part of the thing that helps me self-regulate (and as we all know avoidant people are very big on self-regulation). The big thing that I cannot do or struggle with is co-regulation of my feelings. I pull back when feelings get big because, with the way I'm wired, my nervous system needs space from other people to process feelings and settle down. I need space to process everything and understand within myself that the other person is safe. The avoidant shutdown is not something that we do on purpose - our nervous systems literally just shut down when emotions are too big and there's no way for us to regulate again except for being alone. But this need for space activates the wound of an anxious partner. And then, when the anxious person spirals, we can almost feel their energy and obsession (and maybe sometimes they're texting us about it). And that energy and obsession pushes me further away. But I don't shut down on purpose, I don't do it to be mean, and I don't ask for space because I'm cold. I need space so I can process. Thankfully, my current partner respects my need for space. We just put parameters on it. He's learning to thrive on his own, and I am learning to come back across the space with openness and vulnerability. I just feel like this is fundamentally misunderstanding the motivations of avoidant people. We're traumatized too, it just manifests in a different way. And we're not all bad. And we don't all lack accountability. We just don't want to burden people with our emotions. I wake up every morning and meditate and journal and take care of myself so that I'm regulated and I don't have to put it on other people. That is my avoidant side. I think like the anxious attachment, avoidant attachment also has some good and healthy characteristics. I also think if you're feeling strung along in a relationship then you need to take some accountability and remove yourself if you're not feeling respected. That said, I don't think comments like "just stay away from avoidants, they're damaged" are productive, empathetic, helpful or kind.
And I have never ever thought that I don't need to reciprocate in a relationship or that I just am there to take take. In fact, there is very little that I need from other people. That is the biggest challenge in my relationship. This actually sounds more like what an unhealed anxious person does because an unhealed anxious person feeds off of the energy of their partner to soothe them.
I am a fearful avoidant who leans anxious and I've done the work to be more secure for the past several years. My recent ex is also FA but more avoidant. You sound like you might have a similar, disorganized attachment. If you're not bringing your needs into a relationship or minimizing them, it's not serving you or any friend or partner. I know you aren't doing it for unethical reasons, but it IS a type of manipulation to act this way. It withholds vulnerability and inhibits how close you can ever get. I'm sure you are working on this and it will take time. And if your partner is AA, they need to do some work, too. You both being willing to be vulnerable together is going to go a long way. It doesn't guarantee any relationship will work, but regardless, personal growth is always a better outcome than staying stuck in unhealthy patterns. Best of luck to you.
Thanks, we're both in therapy and we've actually been together for like 8 years and it's been wonderful. It's not like we sit around thinking about our wounds all day long, but when we bought a house together a few years ago, we realized we didn't really know how to fight. I've been working on this stuff for ages because I have a lot of trauma from my childhood. But in my process of learning about it, I'm just finding that a lot of the online discourse tends to really be quite hateful towards anyone who's avoidant leaning and I don't really think that's helpful. I also think a lot of those comments are actually coming from a very unhealed part of the anxious people making those comments. Accountability is so important no matter what your attachment style is.
@@___3988Many of those comments are from people who dealt with avoidant attachment within the context of other problems. That's the limitations of labeling people by attachment style. There are mental health and personality disorders that moreso describe the source of the behaviors. So if you are JUST avoidant in behavior, with no emotionally deregulating conditions, those comments don't refer to you.
This was the very best comment that I’ve read regarding avoidants in general. I know not all of them are bad people, they need love like everyone else. It just takes a hell of a lot more patience and kindness to with them to make it work.
Got discarded by a likely dismissive avoidant four weeks ago and that lack of content really hits because she wouldn't even engage in a conversation to save the friendship
thank you so much for these videos and your to-the-point knowledge Tynell. unfortunately it fits my situation with my avoidant wife who is breaking up with me out of wanting her hyper-independence and emotional splitting towards me. your videos help me to regain that bit of sanity and solace in understanding amidst this emotional pain. appreciate your channel
Dealing with the same thing brother. Best advice that's worked for me is to try and reestablish emotional safety where they feel like they can express themselves without fear of you getting mad or judging/shaming them. They have to feel like they can bring you problems and you can discuss them, validate them, and address the problem. It's a lot of work but in order for any relationship to work, it has to be done. Good luck man.
@ thank you so much brother. i’m sending my regards, sympathies and well wishes to you and root for you to make it work one way or another so that you’re happier in life. unfortunately for me, this is over now and i’ve reached mine and her limit. she doesn’t want to work on this, she refused continuing couples therapy despite us agreeing that it would be beneficial. she only said she likes me still the same but cant imagine pouring her energy into this. and this has repeated itself for over a year now. we finally said goodbye yesterday after a year and a half of marriage where almost immediately after getting married she decided for both of us that she will spend half of every year indefinitely in japan, find new friends, build close relationships with them while blaming me for not respecting her by saying this has been too much for me, then stonewalling me, dismissing me when i tried to voice a concerns or express my needs in the relationship, the guilt id feel would always lead to me taking a step back and letting the issue be for the time being, which was when our relationship would feel better and she would turn warmer from cold again. numerous times when we started talking about it, i tried to collect myself, but each time it led to her stopping talking to me for months while being in japan and then blaming me for my “emotional response” being too much. i’ve heard everything from being too much, to having mental issues that i need to deal with, to being toxic and guilt tripping her, even when i just tried to say i was feeling lonely i the relationship, said i felt frustrated or increasingly worried. many times i really just said this was difficult for me without a single bad word after she prolonged her stay for another month after i said that its been difficult to her and then not telling me about it. yesterday i asked her again to do couples therapy after months of not talking since i was in japan for a month to be able to be with her and where after two weeks of her constant criticism of me and everything i did or didn’t do she said she wanted us to take a break and separate. today she said her feelings for me are still the same but that she doesn’t want to go to couples therapy because this year broke her and she wants to not “feel like this” and be upset every time she thinks about our relationship. she is pushing this away and just wants to feel good without the relationship, on her own. she made all the decisions in the past and dismissed my response or me wanting to find common ground with the length of her trips abroad, or regarding dismissing any of my voiced needs for reciprocity, respect, love and connection, honesty, or doing things together. she also preferred to spend time with her japanese friend, even while i was there which many of my friends and family saw as cheating. to me it was potentially emotional cheating… she would send me home on her birthday while going for a dinner with “her” friends and then say i was guilt tripping her for saying that that made sad and confused as for why she wouldn’t want me there after it had been said months before that i wanted to come to japan on those specific dates to be able to celebrate her birthday together. she called that selfish afterwards. sorry for the long rant. if you’re reading this. after yesterday i’ve finally had enough.
@ thank you so much brother. i’m sending my regards, sympathies and well wishes to you and root for you to make it work one way or another so that you’re happier in life. unfortunately for me, this is over now and i’ve reached mine and her limit. she doesn’t want to work on this, she refused continuing couples therapy despite us agreeing that it would be beneficial. she only said she likes me still the same but cant imagine pouring her energy into this. and this has repeated itself for over a year now. we finally said goodbye yesterday after a year and a half of marriage where almost immediately after getting married she decided for both of us that she will spend half of every year indefinitely in japan, find new friends, build close relationships with them while blaming me for not respecting her by saying this has been too much for me, then stonewalling me, dismissing me when i tried to voice a concerns or express my needs in the relationship, the guilt id feel would always lead to me taking a step back and letting the issue be for the time being, which was when our relationship would feel better and she would turn warmer from cold again. numerous times when we started talking about it, i tried to collect myself, but each time it led to her stopping talking to me for months while being in japan and then blaming me for my “emotional response” being too much. i’ve heard everything from being too much, to having mental issues that i need to deal with, to being toxic and guilt tripping her, even when i just tried to say i was feeling lonely i the relationship, said i felt frustrated or increasingly worried. many times i really just said this was difficult for me without a single bad word after she prolonged her stay for another month after i said that its been difficult to her and then not telling me about it. yesterday i asked her again to do couples therapy after months of not talking since i was in japan for a month to be able to be with her and where after two weeks of her constant criticism of me and everything i did or didn’t do she said she wanted us to take a break and separate. today she said her feelings for me are still the same but that she doesn’t want to go to couples therapy because this year broke her and she wants to not “feel like this” and be upset every time she thinks about our relationship. she is pushing this away and just wants to feel good without the relationship, on her own. she made all the decisions in the past and dismissed my response or me wanting to find common ground with the length of her trips abroad, or regarding dismissing any of my voiced needs for reciprocity, respect, love and connection, honesty, or doing things together. she also preferred to spend time with her japanese friend, even while i was there which many of my friends and family saw as cheating. to me it was potentially emotional cheating… she would send me home on her birthday while going for a dinner with “her” friends and then say i was guilt tripping her for saying that that made sad and confused as for why she wouldn’t want me there after it had been said months before that i wanted to come to japan on those specific dates to be able to celebrate her birthday together. she called that selfish afterwards. after yesterday i’ve finally had enough.
I really am getting a lot from your videos, thank you. Please consider using a time stamp for them, it makes viewing them easier, especially when you go back and try to find a certain point.
I was with an avoidant for a while until my brother told me the harsh truth that he was manipulating me and stringing me along….. just do no contact, block number and move on…. Don’t waste your time like I did other wise you won’t give another new person in your life a chance….
My brother also clued me in to what was going on in my relationship. He said "look at his actions-not his words.. Men are action-oriented. What has he done for you?" Um. Nothing.
Oh man when they ask for space from you, you give it to them, just to come back and say it’s goodbye for ever without any notice, dude that shit is horrible.
Oh my God, I can't even with the contradictions in this. So avoidants don't know what they want... but then avoidants are also too particular about the relationship needs? Give me a break. This channel needs to heal. Edit: for avoidant people, the most destabilizing thing is other people. We are not afraid of losing the stability of the relationship, we are afraid of losing the stability of ourselves and our own ability to regulate - because we need space to truly regulate.
This is an amazing video, I really needed to watch this. I’ve been stuck in the pain of losing my husband. I used to think breakups were easy, but now that my husband has left me, I feel completely broken. I can’t even eat or take care of our kids! I need him back so much. I’ve tried everything to get him back, but he doesn’t want our marriage anymore.
I feel your pain, dear. I don’t think anyone can truly understand the pain I went through when my partner left me. I couldn’t have children, and I thought I would never get through it. But then, a friend of mine introduced me to a spiritual counselor, and he helped me reconnect with my partner. Now, I’m happy with my husband, and we have two beautiful kids.
Wow, that’s incredible! Please, who is this counselor, and how can I reach him? I don’t think I can bear this pain any longer.
His name is Father Akabu. You can look him up I’m certain he can help you. No one should have to go through this kind of pain.
Thank you so much, you are an angel sent by God. I’m definitely reaching out to him.
I am an avoidant, in therapy, and this seems really incorrect to me. For me, I don't want someone to control my environment. I'm actually a mega control freak about my environment because my environment is part of the thing that helps me self-regulate (and as we all know avoidant people are very big on self-regulation). The big thing that I cannot do or struggle with is co-regulation of my feelings. I pull back when feelings get big because, with the way I'm wired, my nervous system needs space from other people to process feelings and settle down. I need space to process everything and understand within myself that the other person is safe. The avoidant shutdown is not something that we do on purpose - our nervous systems literally just shut down when emotions are too big and there's no way for us to regulate again except for being alone. But this need for space activates the wound of an anxious partner. And then, when the anxious person spirals, we can almost feel their energy and obsession (and maybe sometimes they're texting us about it). And that energy and obsession pushes me further away. But I don't shut down on purpose, I don't do it to be mean, and I don't ask for space because I'm cold. I need space so I can process. Thankfully, my current partner respects my need for space. We just put parameters on it. He's learning to thrive on his own, and I am learning to come back across the space with openness and vulnerability. I just feel like this is fundamentally misunderstanding the motivations of avoidant people. We're traumatized too, it just manifests in a different way. And we're not all bad. And we don't all lack accountability. We just don't want to burden people with our emotions. I wake up every morning and meditate and journal and take care of myself so that I'm regulated and I don't have to put it on other people. That is my avoidant side. I think like the anxious attachment, avoidant attachment also has some good and healthy characteristics. I also think if you're feeling strung along in a relationship then you need to take some accountability and remove yourself if you're not feeling respected. That said, I don't think comments like "just stay away from avoidants, they're damaged" are productive, empathetic, helpful or kind.
And I have never ever thought that I don't need to reciprocate in a relationship or that I just am there to take take. In fact, there is very little that I need from other people. That is the biggest challenge in my relationship. This actually sounds more like what an unhealed anxious person does because an unhealed anxious person feeds off of the energy of their partner to soothe them.
I am a fearful avoidant who leans anxious and I've done the work to be more secure for the past several years. My recent ex is also FA but more avoidant. You sound like you might have a similar, disorganized attachment.
If you're not bringing your needs into a relationship or minimizing them, it's not serving you or any friend or partner. I know you aren't doing it for unethical reasons, but it IS a type of manipulation to act this way. It withholds vulnerability and inhibits how close you can ever get. I'm sure you are working on this and it will take time.
And if your partner is AA, they need to do some work, too. You both being willing to be vulnerable together is going to go a long way. It doesn't guarantee any relationship will work, but regardless, personal growth is always a better outcome than staying stuck in unhealthy patterns. Best of luck to you.
Thanks, we're both in therapy and we've actually been together for like 8 years and it's been wonderful. It's not like we sit around thinking about our wounds all day long, but when we bought a house together a few years ago, we realized we didn't really know how to fight. I've been working on this stuff for ages because I have a lot of trauma from my childhood. But in my process of learning about it, I'm just finding that a lot of the online discourse tends to really be quite hateful towards anyone who's avoidant leaning and I don't really think that's helpful. I also think a lot of those comments are actually coming from a very unhealed part of the anxious people making those comments. Accountability is so important no matter what your attachment style is.
@@___3988Many of those comments are from people who dealt with avoidant attachment within the context of other problems. That's the limitations of labeling people by attachment style. There are mental health and personality disorders that moreso describe the source of the behaviors.
So if you are JUST avoidant in behavior, with no emotionally deregulating conditions, those comments don't refer to you.
This was the very best comment that I’ve read regarding avoidants in general. I know not all of them are bad people, they need love like everyone else. It just takes a hell of a lot more patience and kindness to with them to make it work.
Everything you said is spot on accurate ! Thank you
You’re so welcome! I’m glad this video resonated with you!
Got discarded by a likely dismissive avoidant four weeks ago and that lack of content really hits because she wouldn't even engage in a conversation to save the friendship
thank you so much for these videos and your to-the-point knowledge Tynell. unfortunately it fits my situation with my avoidant wife who is breaking up with me out of wanting her hyper-independence and emotional splitting towards me.
your videos help me to regain that bit of sanity and solace in understanding amidst this emotional pain. appreciate your channel
Dealing with the same thing brother. Best advice that's worked for me is to try and reestablish emotional safety where they feel like they can express themselves without fear of you getting mad or judging/shaming them. They have to feel like they can bring you problems and you can discuss them, validate them, and address the problem. It's a lot of work but in order for any relationship to work, it has to be done. Good luck man.
@ thank you so much brother. i’m sending my regards, sympathies and well wishes to you and root for you to make it work one way or another so that you’re happier in life.
unfortunately for me, this is over now and i’ve reached mine and her limit. she doesn’t want to work on this, she refused continuing couples therapy despite us agreeing that it would be beneficial. she only said she likes me still the same but cant imagine pouring her energy into this. and this has repeated itself for over a year now.
we finally said goodbye yesterday after a year and a half of marriage where almost immediately after getting married she decided for both of us that she will spend half of every year indefinitely in japan, find new friends, build close relationships with them while blaming me for not respecting her by saying this has been too much for me, then stonewalling me, dismissing me when i tried to voice a concerns or express my needs in the relationship, the guilt id feel would always lead to me taking a step back and letting the issue be for the time being, which was when our relationship would feel better and she would turn warmer from cold again. numerous times when we started talking about it, i tried to collect myself, but each time it led to her stopping talking to me for months while being in japan and then blaming me for my “emotional response” being too much. i’ve heard everything from being too much, to having mental issues that i need to deal with, to being toxic and guilt tripping her, even when i just tried to say i was feeling lonely i the relationship, said i felt frustrated or increasingly worried. many times i really just said this was difficult for me without a single bad word after she prolonged her stay for another month after i said that its been difficult to her and then not telling me about it.
yesterday i asked her again to do couples therapy after months of not talking since i was in japan for a month to be able to be with her and where after two weeks of her constant criticism of me and everything i did or didn’t do she said she wanted us to take a break and separate. today she said her feelings for me are still the same but that she doesn’t want to go to couples therapy because this year broke her and she wants to not “feel like this” and be upset every time she thinks about our relationship. she is pushing this away and just wants to feel good without the relationship, on her own. she made all the decisions in the past and dismissed my response or me wanting to find common ground with the length of her trips abroad, or regarding dismissing any of my voiced needs for reciprocity, respect, love and connection, honesty, or doing things together. she also preferred to spend time with her japanese friend, even while i was there which many of my friends and family saw as cheating. to me it was potentially emotional cheating… she would send me home on her birthday while going for a dinner with “her” friends and then say i was guilt tripping her for saying that that made sad and confused as for why she wouldn’t want me there after it had been said months before that i wanted to come to japan on those specific dates to be able to celebrate her birthday together.
she called that selfish afterwards.
sorry for the long rant. if you’re reading this.
after yesterday i’ve finally had enough.
@ thank you so much brother. i’m sending my regards, sympathies and well wishes to you and root for you to make it work one way or another so that you’re happier in life.
unfortunately for me, this is over now and i’ve reached mine and her limit. she doesn’t want to work on this, she refused continuing couples therapy despite us agreeing that it would be beneficial. she only said she likes me still the same but cant imagine pouring her energy into this. and this has repeated itself for over a year now.
we finally said goodbye yesterday after a year and a half of marriage where almost immediately after getting married she decided for both of us that she will spend half of every year indefinitely in japan, find new friends, build close relationships with them while blaming me for not respecting her by saying this has been too much for me, then stonewalling me, dismissing me when i tried to voice a concerns or express my needs in the relationship, the guilt id feel would always lead to me taking a step back and letting the issue be for the time being, which was when our relationship would feel better and she would turn warmer from cold again. numerous times when we started talking about it, i tried to collect myself, but each time it led to her stopping talking to me for months while being in japan and then blaming me for my “emotional response” being too much. i’ve heard everything from being too much, to having mental issues that i need to deal with, to being toxic and guilt tripping her, even when i just tried to say i was feeling lonely i the relationship, said i felt frustrated or increasingly worried. many times i really just said this was difficult for me without a single bad word after she prolonged her stay for another month after i said that its been difficult to her and then not telling me about it.
yesterday i asked her again to do couples therapy after months of not talking since i was in japan for a month to be able to be with her and where after two weeks of her constant criticism of me and everything i did or didn’t do she said she wanted us to take a break and separate. today she said her feelings for me are still the same but that she doesn’t want to go to couples therapy because this year broke her and she wants to not “feel like this” and be upset every time she thinks about our relationship. she is pushing this away and just wants to feel good without the relationship, on her own. she made all the decisions in the past and dismissed my response or me wanting to find common ground with the length of her trips abroad, or regarding dismissing any of my voiced needs for reciprocity, respect, love and connection, honesty, or doing things together. she also preferred to spend time with her japanese friend, even while i was there which many of my friends and family saw as cheating. to me it was potentially emotional cheating… she would send me home on her birthday while going for a dinner with “her” friends and then say i was guilt tripping her for saying that that made sad and confused as for why she wouldn’t want me there after it had been said months before that i wanted to come to japan on those specific dates to be able to celebrate her birthday together.
she called that selfish afterwards.
after yesterday i’ve finally had enough.
Your videos are so empowering! You add so much value to this topic- things I have not heard elsewhere
Thank you so much! I honestly really appreciate this comment! That’s exactly what I aim for, is to help empower you through this difficult time!
Thank you for the video. ❤
Thank you for the reminder I deserve better.
I really am getting a lot from your videos, thank you. Please consider using a time stamp for them, it makes viewing them easier, especially when you go back and try to find a certain point.
I was with an avoidant for a while until my brother told me the harsh truth that he was manipulating me and stringing me along….. just do no contact, block number and move on…. Don’t waste your time like I did other wise you won’t give another new person in your life a chance….
My brother also clued me in to what was going on in my relationship. He said "look at his actions-not his words.. Men are action-oriented. What has he done for you?" Um. Nothing.
Oh man when they ask for space from you, you give it to them, just to come back and say it’s goodbye for ever without any notice, dude that shit is horrible.
kindly do a video on blocking the avoidant after you have had enough !!!
Run Run and Run
❤
😊
Oh my God, I can't even with the contradictions in this. So avoidants don't know what they want... but then avoidants are also too particular about the relationship needs? Give me a break. This channel needs to heal.
Edit: for avoidant people, the most destabilizing thing is other people. We are not afraid of losing the stability of the relationship, we are afraid of losing the stability of ourselves and our own ability to regulate - because we need space to truly regulate.
then stay away and leave other people ALONE!
@@freddyjafar1490 happily especially if your anxious tendencies are wrecking my peace. Ain't nobody got time for that.