Esther Perel on The Signs of a Doomed Relationship | JHS Ep. 911
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 พ.ค. 2024
- Where should we begin examining our problems with relationships, cheating, conflict, and more? Legendary therapist Esther Perel talks us through it here!
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Full show notes can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/911
What We Discuss with Esther:
0:00 - Intro
1:01 - Why cheating doesn't mean your partner wants to leave you
23:04 - Monogamy
29:25 - How to argue better
45:50 - Signs you should break it off
1:09:26 - How AI will change romance
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Welcome to The Jordan Harbinger Show, a video podcast where each week you get to join a conversation with some of the world’s highest performers and incredible personalities. I’ll ask them the tough questions to tease out their top tips so that you can reach levels of personal growth and mastery that you never imagined possible.
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#podcast #jhs #romantic
I believe that this wonderful, beautiful, intelligent lady, is one of the most interesting people I’ve ever listened to.
Yes I agree!! 😊
Me too omg I love the way she explains things and uses her hands when talking
you need to get out more
@@antonroux6737no need to rain on someone else’s parade, friend. I try and just move along if I don’t agree. However, I fully agree that this woman’s insight is very valuable. A lot of people don’t have the knowledge and experience to navigate toxic relationship dynamics.
Same!!! she is the full embodiment of what a hero looks like to me. I’m consistently astounded by the brilliance that just naturally flows from her and the ease in which she translates human behaviors to root issues.
She takes an Anthropology approach to intimate relationships. She knows 9 languages & very European in cultural style. Americans need more therapists like her!!
when youre European, "knowing" multiple languages is like a NYer understanding somebody from Louisiana...thats not a flex
Very true, as much as Americans hate to say it our culture is a mix of many cultures. What's great about her research is we all seem to have the same relationship issues 😆
You are joking, aren't you ? Or just being cynical.
yet she is never condescending and cold. she always tries to use her wisdom to help. that is true love and compassion. ❤
@@hedgedrisk6487
Yes, it is. You obviously don't speak any. And parroting a few foreign phrases doesn't count.
I love her advice. We do tend to not notice our own changes and then expect our significant other to remain the same.
Bored silly with 99% of the self help gurus/their repetitive pablum, Ms. Perel is so refreshing and wise; her guidance is practical and inspiring, her depth of knowledge is platinum & highest grade diamonds, in its rarity & priceless value.💖
45:45 addresses the issue of when to end the relationship
Thank you.
I didn't really hear the answer except for her to say her answers are dependent on the context of the person or people.
Neither of them actually address this.
@@helenaquin1797 From what I recall, the only concrete example she provided was a couple in which one person puts forth effort to improve the relationship while the other person does not. She suggests that that kind of relationship is certainly doomed, and that she has seen some of those in her office when it becomes clear that one partner is only participating in therapy in hopes of "fixing" the other person yet isn't willing to also look at themselves and take steps to repair the relationship.
Thank you
Thank you Esther, in one podcast, you’ve pinpointed and helped me see the reasons behind my marital fights. Esther = all fights are for power & control, respect & validation, and care & kindness.
Esther's closing comment is the introduction of a whole new conversation that I would love to listen to and engage in! "We talk about loneliness. We talk about suicide. We talk about breakdowns of institutions. We talk about how the burden of self has never been heavier. But when we talk about it like that it feels very abstract. When you look at the life of actual people, (especially younger people, as I do), it warrants attention."
Esther is the Contessa of compassion and kindness. I would give anything to have her giving advice to senior couples. Specially when they start at 62-65
I love what she says about lying horizontal during an argument and humour! Humour is such an important salve in a relationship. The person who brings that brings a gift! Also not about arguing better but relating better.
I love this lady!!! She is the most intelligent, insightful, “GET IT” woman. Thank you Esther!!
I love Ester P. I have followed her and her work for 4 yrs now. I have her books, podcasts and game. She has transformed my relationships, both professionally and social.
‘The old ball and chain’ always was pure projection…. Historically it has been and oftentimes still is women who are completely tied down and expected to live a very different standard of life than men. I grew up Roman Catholic and lived it!!
Are religion and monogamy automatically entwined?
@@williamweb9782quite
yep men just have a way harder time giving up sleeping around and taking responsibility that comes with a family. They trow a fit if there is too much asked of them and accuse the other off wining when they are just asking for a fair devide. Church and other religions somehow reinforced that by almost suggesting women should serve their man, while that should be God
Religion and monogamy are absolutely entwined…except that monogamy applied ONLY to the female….Catholicism is rife with hypocrisy and double standard. Women are taught to ‘serve her man’ and expect nothing in return….she’s lucky if he’s a good provider. If he’s an alcoholic who doesn’t work too bad…divorce is NOT permitted. If he beats her, that’s his choice she can not leave. She can not take birth control, she can not have abortions and she can NOT say no to sex. She can not get an education or a job, have a bank account, etc….that was the life of my grandmothers!!! I’m born in 1975….so this is not very long ago. Men set the tone for relationships even still…due to the past legacy of heterosexual unions. If a woman was ‘lucky’ she got a decent husband…otherwise too bad. Patriarchy needs to be dismantled completely as it does not serve either gender. Blessings to all the men brave enough to tear down these walls…us women have been working at it for a long time and we need you to do your part. These red pill dudes are just trying to grasp onto threads of male toxicity and patriarchy….the brave ones take a stand against that mindset!
So what it to be said of the marriage/monogamy/exclusivity ultimatum, that is usually imposed by women? Its odd to hear these takes, but never see it. It would seem the remedy is simply a "No" to a proposal and guts to stand on the decision, in the Western world.
I really loved the plastic couch metaphor. Such a beautiful way of understanding not only relationships but it’s relevant to how you view your life in general. What a great analogy from her personal life. Thank you for sharing!
The freedom piece and the security is huge. It has kept my 9 year relationship so solid and always growing. Spot on why its so important.
Esther Perel is the intelligent, knowledgeable, and interesting person to hear about personal reflection on relationships and how to look forward to better future relationships, within the current marriage.
Agree!
what Ester is sharing is very insightful and this is very refreshing
Esther explains everything so perfectly!!!❤❤❤
Thank you Esther! I never get tired of listening to you. You are wise and fun and very courageous. We need more of you!
This was such valuable information! Thank you!
Thank you Esther Perel for your AMAZING insights, and incredible family background and the fact you understand and speak 7 languages?!! My mind is officially blown!🤯
It's a treasure to learn of Esther Perels childhood and circumstances of her parents. Thank you.
This amazing lady has a life of ger own .
She is a great healer.
A great inspiration to life.
A great conversation! Esther Perel is always insightful! Thank you Jordan Harbinger for hosting this convo❤
I’ve listened to many therapists and she is so articulate & astute!
Esther is beautiful and brilliant. I always walk away from her talks with insights and a new perspective. Thank you for this amazing conversation. 💖
Thank you for great conversation. I like Esther and I loved especially second part of conversation where I heard much new things about her. Regards from Slovenia 💚
No mention of compulsive porn obsession that is ruining so many relationships. When is society going to start talking about this? It’s the elephant in the room and everyone is too brainwashed or ashamed to bring it up.
Not sure it is the elephant in the room. Besides, Esther is addressing couple problems, not individual ones.
Masturbation or voyeurism does fit into a less mature level of adult life. Don't you think ? Many women (maybe even men) put up with this, reasoning immaturity on the part of their partner, maybe even shyness. When bringing it out into the open and discussing it together is healthier. Or suggesting therapy, for each partner as well as couple therapy. Or agreeing to whatever fits their individual needs.
Esther is amazing and thank you Jordan
Wonderful conversation. Thank you for this podcast.
On the note of AI I will share an observation:
When my sister was born my mother was in the same hospital ward as a woman who had just given birth but was under observation due to grade a drug addiction.
I remember hearing her baby's cries & the nurses explained that basically the baby was crying so much as it was born with the drug addiction. It was one of the most terrifying cries I had ever heard.
I had forgotten about this until a month ago when a woman came into my workplace with her 2 infants. At one point she took the phone off the hands of one of the infants and they started crying.. The same terrifying cry that baby with the addiction had..
When experts state that technology has no impact on mental health issues.. I honestly think they have their blinders on.
I'm glad Esther Perel is speaking so frankly about her concerns.. While it is not helpful to get all doom and gloom about technology (it does have its pluses..such as me listening to this podcast).. Its important to acknowledge what issues are arising
Tech in addition to our country being the ONLY developed one that doesn’t give paid year for 1-5 years for a mother to raise her infant. Times that fear by 80% of our infants at 6-12 weeks for 50 hours a week eeek. We have facilities raising our children and we pretend that is woman being equal instead of our babies growing into anxiously attached adults without a family identity as a home base.
I simply can't get enough of her. I read all her books, I listened to all her podcasts and I want her as a friend ❤ She's amazing
I need her as my therapist! She explains everything.
@@theresas.3808 Me too
Lovely conversation with Esther Perel, well done.
Such a great conversation!
Love love love her!!!
Thank you🙏🙏❤️
I love Esther Perel, her vibrancy, her eloquence and her wisdom. I am humbled by her generosity and in awe of her adaptability. This interview was mostly nutritious, but then, when her personal life was exposed without context or warning she was vulnerated and the interview lost course for a moment. Even then, what she said was inspiring and full of insight, power and authenticity. Bravo to this amazing woman, I always learn from her.
This woman is about as wise as anyone can be
Her responses to the highest quality of questions are so substantial that it’s hard to not be in awe
And in gratitude
Thank you both
Beautiful souls
Thanks for your thumbs up whoever you are
It caught my attention to my error
Wide
Wow
Sorry Esther
The word was supposed to be as it now reads
“Wise”
What a fantastic and insightful interview!
Wonderful. Finally someone asking Esther questions about herself and her background. Thank you so much.
thanks for noticing this! interesting people almost always have a very interesting past, yet most folks ignore this.
I can’t believe this, true love .. people are this far away from true love? If you need a side life (betrayal) you haven’t developed true love with partner. Yes, You should be fulfilling your own goals, etc, however if it involves betrayal… there’s not true love there. Just selfishness, self centeredness, immature, etc.
I agree. It's many excuses given here. Still she has some valid points.
Or maybe not getting reciprocal understanding and effort from your partner. Love is a living thing. It takes two to nourish it and help it grow. If only one of the two cares and does everything they can, the love eventually ends up on life support and then death. Both have to care and grow the love according to both partner’s needs. Both. Two. The one who betrays is wrong to betray. But remember, the one who does nothing to nourish their love and relationship has been betraying their vows long before. Both feed love, but it only takes one to starve it.
Beautiful. Her wisdom and technique are fantastic. I wish these would be taught in schools and colleges.💚
Love this episode. Do take every issue to “ the floor”… we are more grounded…. Stay in touch with the ground. Even on a grounding mat.
Jordan, Thank you for Clarifying about Polish citizens who were also persecuted and died in WW2. I really appreciate this, I am a Polish citizen, and Polish Jews suffered emancly at the hands of Germans. However, the war affected everyone and 3 million Polish citizens died in WW2 and 3 million Polish Jews were killed at the hands of Germany!
Blame the warmonger Churchill who betrayed you
The soviets drew the Polish blood.
you're welcome. thank you for listening and for this comment.
She’s so on point with the degradation of society (social atrophy at personal and larger levels) It causes me so much anxiety when I think about it. I hope it turns around soon!
OMG, this is the third video I've seen featuring this lady (with due respect), and her skills are truly remarkable.
Yes!!
Is there such thing as a bad podcast featuring Esther? She is brilliant. Too many bookmarked videos that have been immensely helpful. She has worked hard to get here - that itself is inspirational.
I love her! Such an intelligent and wise woman
'Cheating' is a symptom of the problem - not the real problem. It boils down to Needs not being met. Most of the time it comes from relationships that have significant problems. Lack of communication with partners is a HUGE part of the problem. Fixing the underlying issues is the only way of solving the problem.
Very, very true, with the caveat that some marriages are not fixable, even with communication. When this is attempted, some couples discover one of the two:
1) either they cannot communicate at the same level of depth and meaning, due to differences in wiring and ability.
2) even if they manage to communicate clearly and with good will, and they both overcome ego, one spouse may simply not be able to meet the other's unmet needs, or both, due to severe incompatibilities of yolk.
This is often the case when there are differences of fabric/ilk/walk of life/IQ etc.
Did you listen to her? Cheating is not always symbolic of a bad marriage. Sometimes cheating is something going on with that person who is cheating and has nothing to do with you. She just said u you can have a good marriages… Not that it makes it right and that it’s not hurtful because it is!
@@roses6564 You hit the nail on the head.
@@robynalvin2849
Yes, as a relationship consultant I know what she means. As Tony Robbins notes, all people have a Need for Certainty and Uncertainty. What Esther Perel is talking about implicitly is the need for Uncertainty. Couples need to learn how to navigate each other's needs for Uncertainty (or novelty).
However, the majority of the time, there are more fundamental problems within the relationship.
@@robynalvin2849 more than often people who cheat have a low self esteem as a result of chidhood emotional neglect and they need the external validation which they get from feeling wanted by a stranger. The hit of chemistry they get from that is what feeds their dysfunctional reward system formed in childhood. So yes, it has nothing to do with a partner. More than often they also dont know how to meet their needs or communicate to their spouse how they d like them to be met, so again they look externally to get them met in dysfunctional ways. Their behaviour is driven by their childhood wounding, which means they end up bleeding on the people (i.e. their spouse) who did not cut them in the first place.
Great talk. Six months ago I moved closer to my BF and said I was committed to the relationship. Now I realize that I was lying to myself. I didn't want a long-term relationship, I just wanted an adventure and expected him to make it right so I could stay. I'm ready for my next adventure and I don't want to blame anyone else for this.
That’s a wonderful idea! There’s life after 60 years old. And it’s not easy.
That mentality is what kept you single, now you’re old and lonely
@@swadey2.017 I'm old and I've known myself in amazing ways. The goal is not men, it's a relationship with the world I've been placed in. Glory has all the feelings, even loneliness. It's beautiful.
She is so accurate.. without a single bias
Thank you! You are inspiring.
Wonderful. Watched to the last minute.
Thank you for this podcast it was very interesting.
THE BEST love-speaker ever !!
A great dialogue.
Love the hair Esther💛🤍
Hello Esther, i totally love your talks.
I love the plastic on the couch metaphor!!
I loooooove Esther Perel !!!!
Where have you been all my liffe⁉️ 😄❤
On my 3rd marriage. It's finally the right one. We're not in trouble - we believe in relationship psychology and maintenance. And, no surprises here, as a woman who has struggled with some of the things you're talking about, and felt that I died in previous relationships, I'm especially interested in this conversation.
"Humor and playfulness" - Yes‼️‼️‼️‼️❤
How much money did you make from the divorces?
@kapler79 None. Absolutely none. Got taken advantage of the first time, and the second time, I refused to ask for anything.
@@kapler79such a show of who you are. You did not deserve an answer
Alan Robarge - a psychologist and couples therapist (he has videos on TH-cam) has some brilliant insights into how we fool ourselves into staying in destructive relationships. And on attachment styles and attachment wounds.
thank you
I think the "people's questions" from Jordan's List, are just his questions😂😂😂
Body language doesn’t lie.
some people might disagree with this statement ;)
Nope, it takes some level of inteligence to ask questions.
Body language: he struggles, he is afraid the questions might reveal his problems. He is right, is revealing.
I wish I can have a session with her. She's amazing ❤
Amazing.
Very useful advices. She is great, vey intelligent lady.
Well he's here asking questions and seemingly absorbed nothing! She's amazing!
Wow! Very impressive. She is so interesting. Basically she's a communication and mutual respect expert. Thankfully I already do most of these things already. Really interesting x
She is fantastic.
Hopefully, the host will see her to better understand how he can stop neglecting his wife.
i had the same thought. Big fan of ester, not a fan of Jordan. Good luck to his wife as he seemed to humble brag when relating what his mother in law was saying. Sheesh.
This is insightful..but just remember and acknowledge..words mayter..actions matter...show the kindness to the significant other than you would want to receive..
She is amazing 🎉
The advice your guest gives is related to partners who are decent people. My partner of 11 years has turned out NOT to be decent. I treated him all along as if he was a decent person, e.g. giving him freedom to go & meet friends, take trips abroad alone, etc. because i believed that sort of freedom to be healthy in a relationship. He had at least one affair that I know of, over a 2 year period. He met the person during those hours of freedom. I realise now that it was a mistake to trust that he was capable of being faithful. Your advice does not relate to those who are not decent humans. Unfortunately these types are master con artists, making them difficult to spot. The situation is still raw & very difficult to cope with. I hope that i can get through it.
What is relational and what is individual? Love that
As a woman, I can only do monogamy. You can have monogamy and a fun relationship,.
Yes, infidelity is for people who need constant validation
I hear men saying to their wives " clean up this house"!. But they never ask their wife if they can help or can they hire a maid to help her.many women are overwhelmed with the mess from the children and they need help.
Shouldn't be any surprise why women are choosing the single life
Shouldn't have to say it, you don't let it get to that point. Maintain cleanliness. Team effort.
Yeah if you’re a mother who can focus solely on the family (ie not working outside the home for an external source) then keeping everything running smoothly shouldn’t be an issue as long as she’s physically and emotionally fit, healthy and resilient; with a husband who’s providing security, kindness and generosity - women need to feel safe and secure to thrive. If she’s expected to behave like a man and earn money for an external entity, then how on earth is she going to have the mental and physical capacity to maintain the home? Men and women are very different species and right now that’s not being recognised and women are really struggling, and men aren’t happy either.
@@johnfatorich3494if you’re shouting at your wife to clean up this house. That’s a demand for her to comply. It’s not a team effort. Men need to clean up their own homes and stop expecting women who also work to do it all.
@@jnwest2029 Nobody is expecting them to do it all. In fact, women today...modern women do very little but expect a lot. We are not living in the 70's. Women have never been as lazy as they are today. Also, if you both are working, get a freaking maid once a week or two weeks.
"Protect the relationship" made it impossible for me to come to terms with my ex's covert selfishness and profound disinterest in my well being. When I finally stopped doing that it didn't very long for her to make everything clear. I can't blame her for being who she is, my only regret is I didn't stop protecting the relationship 15 years earlier.
Absolutely right!!
As interesting as this is, the title is misleading. We're not advised when relationships are doomed...
I have also never heard her talk about narcissistic tendencies would love to hear her talk about that
Exactly.. she said it right
It all comes down to trust
after 42 years of a challenging marriage I've discovered my husband is an undiagnosed Autistic and everything makes sense. So although I can understand and relate to all the tips, and have tried all the angles my husband does not understand even if explained, He actually says "I don't get it"
Me too! Can't find a therapist who understands. The last one just said we're too far gone, just get divorced, as if that magically solves everything, which is doesn't when you have school age children, you NEVER stop being co-parents and divorce can be just trading one set of problems for another. We were hoping the Autism diagnosis would help bring resources, but nope! Only research online and TH-cam about Autism helps, but a real adult Autism therapist would make a huge difference in uncovering what can be changed, what cant, and how we navigate that reality. Including how do we move forward despite all the hurt, damage, financial disasters, etc, especially now that we see how much the Autism contributed to his choices and behaviors.
I love Esther!!
No, we weren't meant to live like this, absolutely spot on, and yet we carry on living like this, don't live with your partner, end of, sadly most cannot afford to live like that.
❤ Amazing as always ❤️
Exactly. Giving the benefit of the doubt.
I enjoy listening to her perspective. Trying to get my gal to buy in
Good luck. I hope she follows your lead.
What purpose and destiny on your life Esther!
Lawyer minds 💯
Yes, this is true, when a husband hurts his wife, he is hurting himself, and vice versa. Your input determines your output. When you appreciate the strength first then suggest to improve on weakness and in the end close by saying, your relationship is better than you and I... If you have same belief, never break up, if you don't have the same belief, leave each other.
Ester please come to the @Highly Initiated podcast. Your work has helped me tremendously in changing my opinions and views of the hurt of adultery. He claimed he was going through a midlife crisis so when you say its not about you its about him. It was so valid! I healed faster because I understood my part and his part in the divorce. I still cut his 🍑 off 😂 but I wasn't angry anymore about an adult making a choice that was contrary to my beliefs and values. I don't hold on to that pain anymore because true peace is so much better for my health. While all humans benefit from Esters explanation of relationships the black community as small as it is in the US is lacking any idea of the concepts of relationship, monogamy and the mindset needed to even consider marriage.
Sadly nowadays most of/ many of our cultures are lacking these concepts and relationship values etc etc. . . I totally understand where u are coming from. & We all deserve happiness, love, excitement, honesty, loyalty, genuineness, and the list goes on... I hope each and everyone of us who might be struggling or having issues in this department, I hope we all reach that good sweet spot one day, sooner than later. & As i/we grow older n more wise, more n more is starting to make sense n open my eyes n mind to an updated more mature perspective look on everything involving this complicated subject. The precious thing called "relationship life".
@@Lindseyro All of that 💯😆 I totally agree with you and yes wisdom and growth has truly changed my perspective on my relationship with me and then any over flow I can share with others. I care enough for myself and other humans to take the time to fill my own cup first. All over the internet toxic relationships are the most viewed. It's good to know there are people healing and seeking some rational in this crazy thing called Love 🤣💖
I like how Esther put the things. Actually it’s pretty logic now she brings it and explained. But nobody can be the psy in the couple. This is why it’s so complicated relationship.
What about Loyalty?
Monogamy in the past and some present cultural circumstance, CAN be about buttressing a patriarchy; but that doesn't mean that it is in every society. Monagamy is there for a reason; cheating rips apart a holy bond of trust between two soul mates... to reduce it to "patriarchy" signals a contemptible turn toward a malignant paranoic type of identity politics. honestly this is pretty gross to listen to because she had valuable things to say about relationships in the past. You cant get everything in life, live with it. Limits aren't always bad.
Ha, ha. If they are soulmates, they don't cheat. If they cheated, they weren't soulmates. Most married people are NOT soulmates. The vast majority of marriages are transactional even if people don't think so this is their case. Sure it is.
th-cam.com/video/QF4xjfiesXY/w-d-xo.html
She has relevant insights but this reduction of monogamy to outdated social norms is wrong on a lot of levels. Non-monogamous relations have a dreadful track record of success, as do civilizations that allow them.
Nothing about identifying a doomed relationship here…
Yes!! Simply ask what your wife truly wants … probably a break !
I am going on adventures with my current boyfriend. We will have fun together. I am not committed to him as a caretaker of his family and he is not going to be my daughter’s step father. We are in the relationship just for ourselves. We don’t live together yet so we have a lot of independent time to grow. I value “me” time
sometimes, I ask my wife if she wants to watch TV together, she says no, she's not in the mood for that, do you want to go for a ride , again... no, I just want to chill, I started feeling like I'm trying to build a connection and she was like " leave me alone,
so I thought maybe I should give her that " alone time as a indication that I care, however it feels like she controls the narrative because it's like we do the " We " things when shes ready as I'm alot more flexible. this is where in at
Great video
I am a Jewish (Polish heritage) woman who also has had Holocaust surviving family members. My "silly" story (humor is everything!!!) I wanted to share is that the plastic covers were appreciated when the teens in the household got into dad's liquor cabinet for the first time and threw up on the couches!! The uncomfortable covers sure came in handy cuz mom would have had our hides!!
Jordan, take her advice!! Give wife alone time !! Time off! Many stay at home mothers don’t get much time off.
Sometimes you meet a person that gives you feelings you never had with the person you're with at present, or likes the things that you do, at that point you've a big dilemma.
I think there is something really healthy about leaving things in the realm of fantasy and not needing to pursue every fantasy with this belief that you have to for fear of missing out on something. What can be peoples desire for most more often than not is greater than what is gained. And the fantasy becomes bigger every time to so as to get the same high from the last one. Chasing the dragon if you will.
Lineage and cows. Totally agree that back in the day that it's almost 100% certain that that was purpose. But we're here today. How does Esther quantify and qualify peoples desire for monogamy in today's day. It's not a throwwback to yesteryear. It's now. And it's real.
love this... middle path, Buddhism type shit and being grateful and present with what we have and truly love