I have come to a place where I recognize the immense, immense value of my time and my presence. These things are precious diamonds and jewels that I have to offer to others. If I am not selective about where I invest my energies, if I hand my precious jewels to those who don't fully value them, then I am depriving others of the boundless joy they would experience receiving my gifts. Which of course impacts my own joyfulness as well! We grow up learning that we need to be liked by others to feel safe. We reclaim that power by learning that it's not by being "liked" by others that we feel safe, it's by realizing that we are safe to begin with, whether someone likes us or not. Sadly, very few people are able to experience this awareness.
This is something I’m really scared of doing. I was in many friendships were I was giving to much and receiving a little, but finally they ended by 'slow death'. I think the point about scarcity was the strongest part of your video.
One thing that helps a ton is recognizing that everything that we are saying "yes" to, as in, how we spend or direct our time, energy, and other resources, also means that we are saying "no" to something else. So if we want to have friendships that are truly nourishing and uplifting, we have to reclaim our energy from relationships that are far less serving. It's actually an act of love to both ourselves and to those around us: if our relationship with another person isn't fully serving either or both of us, than it is standing in the way, and taking the space, of something much better. When you understand what you stand FOR, it's much easier to be more selective about how we spend our time and energy. It's important to remember, it's not against anybody, it's not a reflection of anybody's worthiness or beauty as a human being, it's merely a matter of alignment.
Yesss to still seeking in breakup what you never got during the friendship!! And to mourning the self abandonment. And also how painful it is that even if you try to do an nvc style breakup, you still receive judgemental interpretations from the soon ex friend - realising they don't see me at all.
I went through a situation a few years ago breaking up with my BFF. They broke my trust and the mutuality wasn't there. I tried to do an NVC repair first, since was a very long term relationship, but I finally came to the realization that they (in their life) just pretend to forget and forgive and didn't know how to resolve issues, and I needed some one who was willing to communicate and resolve things that came up. The most hurtful thing was not the original issues, but that they wouldn't even try to work on the problem. They just wanted me to forgive them. It's been hard, but at some point, you want people in your life that you can trust.
I relate to that, wanting to fully resolve things with the people that are close to me, forgive & forget just means the resentment is going to come out in sneaky ways in my experience! Thanks for sharing.
I never knew there was a taboo on that. I've broken up with way too many friends, basically in an instant and with burning bridges. Not proud of it (healing fearful avoidant here), but I never felt there was any external opinion about it. I do remember backlash for blocking and removing comments, as if you aren't allowed to remove people from your life/field of view, and obligated to negotiate endlessly. But it always felt insane and as real as moon made of green cheese.
@@CupofEmpathy I'm female. I'm just not sure how this taboo would look like. I also had my very best and dear friend breaking up with me because they decided with her therapist that I was bad for her. That loss was heavy.
such an important topic to talk about! it definitely does not get enough attention in today's society and it was very rough when I had my first friendship breakup. Did not expect it to be like this and realised that actually many people go through this but it does not get talked about as much. Thank you so much!
I found the section on grief help clarify and resolve a sadness I had about missing a friendship….and really seeing that I had put myself and my values aside earlier in the friendship! Also not hoping to get what had been missing in the friendship in the response to a ‘breakup ‘! Gold. Thankyou Marianne
Thank you so much for this video. It helped put in words some of my feelings and give purpose to a precious relationship I had. Can I ask you to add the link on what to do when we are on the other end of the relationship? When we are the ones turned down. Again, thank you so much.
so glad to hear that. I dont have a video SPECIFICALLY on being on the receiving end, i just have a video about processing feeling shitty..here it is: th-cam.com/video/uEv7rEeIlCM/w-d-xo.html
What about people who want to remove you from their lives or at least avoid you, but this hasn’t happened from a processed place, they projected many of their feelings on to you? How does someone move forward in this situation? Especially when love still exists.
When they really don't want to try to repair with you that can be quite painful..it means we as the receiver need to go through a process of grief..the video I referred to at the end can help with that (how to deal with shitty feelings). Or come to one of my webinars and i can go into this question live with you during the Q&A! cupofempathy.com/free-webinar/
I want to break up the friendship with this very oversensitive and overreactive person by just letting it fade away (slow death), but it doesn't seem to be possible, because she keeps contacting me. I think I have to make a lie to safe myself from her overreactive behavior, which I expect will happen, if I directly break up with her. I feel guilt for doing it like that, but I also don't think I deserve to experience her reaction. You have to choose your battles, you know. But am I an idiot for breaking up the friendship like this? Am I just a coward? I'm just so tired of dealing with all her anger, coming from nothing.
It sounds to me like you are really not looking forward to deal with the potential anger when breaking up with them. I dont have any judgment about you being a coward for that...I do wonder if the most effective way would be to be honest, as sometimes with excuses these situations can drag on. And there is no obligations to deal with her feelings when you break up. It could be a well phrased message (use Chatgpt for inspiration, then write it in your own words), to which you might get a message back, but then after that, you are free :-). If you want to discuss more, maybe join my (free) webinar about people pleasing next week, there is a Q&A! cup-of-empathy.webinargeek.com/nvc-for-people-pleasers-12
What is your experience with friendship breakups? Has NVC been useful for you with it?
I've never done that, and I don’t think I ever imagined it was even possible.
@@nomadrose Im glad it made this video then!
I have come to a place where I recognize the immense, immense value of my time and my presence. These things are precious diamonds and jewels that I have to offer to others. If I am not selective about where I invest my energies, if I hand my precious jewels to those who don't fully value them, then I am depriving others of the boundless joy they would experience receiving my gifts. Which of course impacts my own joyfulness as well! We grow up learning that we need to be liked by others to feel safe. We reclaim that power by learning that it's not by being "liked" by others that we feel safe, it's by realizing that we are safe to begin with, whether someone likes us or not. Sadly, very few people are able to experience this awareness.
i LOVE how you phrased this Colby! fully resonates with me!
This is something I’m really scared of doing. I was in many friendships were I was giving to much and receiving a little, but finally they ended by 'slow death'. I think the point about scarcity was the strongest part of your video.
ah that's good to know that this scarcity thinking might be something to explore more! thanks for your input!
One thing that helps a ton is recognizing that everything that we are saying "yes" to, as in, how we spend or direct our time, energy, and other resources, also means that we are saying "no" to something else. So if we want to have friendships that are truly nourishing and uplifting, we have to reclaim our energy from relationships that are far less serving. It's actually an act of love to both ourselves and to those around us: if our relationship with another person isn't fully serving either or both of us, than it is standing in the way, and taking the space, of something much better. When you understand what you stand FOR, it's much easier to be more selective about how we spend our time and energy. It's important to remember, it's not against anybody, it's not a reflection of anybody's worthiness or beauty as a human being, it's merely a matter of alignment.
I'm currently prepping for a hard conversation that may lead to a friendship breakup. I found this video reassuring.
Thank you.
So glad to hear that! Wishing you lots of strength and self-compassion!
Yesss to still seeking in breakup what you never got during the friendship!! And to mourning the self abandonment. And also how painful it is that even if you try to do an nvc style breakup, you still receive judgemental interpretations from the soon ex friend - realising they don't see me at all.
It's sweet to me that you relate to it so much! thank you for sharing!
I went through a situation a few years ago breaking up with my BFF. They broke my trust and the mutuality wasn't there. I tried to do an NVC repair first, since was a very long term relationship, but I finally came to the realization that they (in their life) just pretend to forget and forgive and didn't know how to resolve issues, and I needed some one who was willing to communicate and resolve things that came up. The most hurtful thing was not the original issues, but that they wouldn't even try to work on the problem. They just wanted me to forgive them. It's been hard, but at some point, you want people in your life that you can trust.
I relate to that, wanting to fully resolve things with the people that are close to me, forgive & forget just means the resentment is going to come out in sneaky ways in my experience! Thanks for sharing.
I never knew there was a taboo on that. I've broken up with way too many friends, basically in an instant and with burning bridges. Not proud of it (healing fearful avoidant here), but I never felt there was any external opinion about it.
I do remember backlash for blocking and removing comments, as if you aren't allowed to remove people from your life/field of view, and obligated to negotiate endlessly. But it always felt insane and as real as moon made of green cheese.
ah that is so interesting that you've never experienced a taboo on it. I dont know what is your gender, i wonder if it's a things amongst women..
@@CupofEmpathy I'm female. I'm just not sure how this taboo would look like.
I also had my very best and dear friend breaking up with me because they decided with her therapist that I was bad for her. That loss was heavy.
such an important topic to talk about! it definitely does not get enough attention in today's society and it was very rough when I had my first friendship breakup. Did not expect it to be like this and realised that actually many people go through this but it does not get talked about as much.
Thank you so much!
yay im so glad to hear it helped you!
Excellent ! So important and rare are the persons talking about that ! Thank you !
thanks so much!!
I found the section on grief help clarify and resolve a sadness I had about missing a friendship….and really seeing that I had put myself and my values aside earlier in the friendship! Also not hoping to get what had been missing in the friendship in the response to a ‘breakup ‘! Gold. Thankyou Marianne
great video!
Thank youuuu
Thank you so much for this video. It helped put in words some of my feelings and give purpose to a precious relationship I had.
Can I ask you to add the link on what to do when we are on the other end of the relationship? When we are the ones turned down.
Again, thank you so much.
so glad to hear that. I dont have a video SPECIFICALLY on being on the receiving end, i just have a video about processing feeling shitty..here it is: th-cam.com/video/uEv7rEeIlCM/w-d-xo.html
@@CupofEmpathy thank you 😊
What about people who want to remove you from their lives or at least avoid you, but this hasn’t happened from a processed place, they projected many of their feelings on to you? How does someone move forward in this situation? Especially when love still exists.
When they really don't want to try to repair with you that can be quite painful..it means we as the receiver need to go through a process of grief..the video I referred to at the end can help with that (how to deal with shitty feelings). Or come to one of my webinars and i can go into this question live with you during the Q&A! cupofempathy.com/free-webinar/
@feyzacekik723
I want to break up the friendship with this very oversensitive and overreactive person by just letting it fade away (slow death), but it doesn't seem to be possible, because she keeps contacting me. I think I have to make a lie to safe myself from her overreactive behavior, which I expect will happen, if I directly break up with her. I feel guilt for doing it like that, but I also don't think I deserve to experience her reaction. You have to choose your battles, you know. But am I an idiot for breaking up the friendship like this? Am I just a coward? I'm just so tired of dealing with all her anger, coming from nothing.
It sounds to me like you are really not looking forward to deal with the potential anger when breaking up with them. I dont have any judgment about you being a coward for that...I do wonder if the most effective way would be to be honest, as sometimes with excuses these situations can drag on. And there is no obligations to deal with her feelings when you break up. It could be a well phrased message (use Chatgpt for inspiration, then write it in your own words), to which you might get a message back, but then after that, you are free :-). If you want to discuss more, maybe join my (free) webinar about people pleasing next week, there is a Q&A! cup-of-empathy.webinargeek.com/nvc-for-people-pleasers-12