i notice that the response to my boundaries setting is mostly falling into 1. judgement and 2. unsolicited advice categories of responses that you have so wonderfully outlined in this video. also, another one significant for me that is not mentioned is - retribution- in case of my superiours at work - bad annual review/written evaluation (being called "unflexible"), not renewed contracts, refusal of more working hours and hiring someone else, lower category of salary - financial retribution, etc. so, at work the fear of retrribution/non-verbal consequences has been a big one for me. adressing them has made things worse on more occasions than not even though the non-violent communication (or semblance of it) is used at my work - i work in primary education. thank you for the video! very helpful!!
also, i appreciate so much that you emphasised that expressing and setting our boundaries. even if done "clumsily", is something you encourage us to do. i can't express enough how much i appreciate that, i need that sort of encouragement once in a while as i dont find enough of it in my rl.
@@danielamestanek7899 thanks for sharing this here, that sounds super challenging to get retribution..I so mourn that this (understandably) leads to fear in you around setting boundaries.
I have had the unfortunate experience of having been not only judged for setting a boundary but having a violent response to it. One such time happened with my in-laws when I asked my husband to ask them to speak normally (i.e. like a normal adult) to my infant daughter rather than in baby speech as I wanted to help my child develop proper speech patterns. Though I realize that not everyone believes that speaking with baby speech may or may not affect the verbal development of a child, I had taken a course on it and wanted to pursue speaking normally with my child and tried to get my in-laws on board. The protest was vehement and the resulting response was "well this is the way we speak with children and if you don't like it, then we won't bother speaking to her." It was so hurtful to my husband that he just caved and said it was fine, but it really bothered me. To-date, they still don't speak to hear properly and she is a toddler with very good speech because of how we have been speaking with her on a daily basis at home. Other times it has been with my husband who has outright sworn at me for setting a boundary because he didn't like it or because I didn't have that boundary before. After a huge fight has ensued, he has come back later once things were calmed, apologized and tried to respect that boundary. Other times (post-fight), he has agreed to respect my boundary but continued to cross it to my chagrin and discomfort. I honestly have no idea how I should be dealing with this. Setting boundaries in my culture is not very widely accepted and it is chronic. Setting boundaries is seen as a very "western" kind of mentality. It is very hurtful and hard to navigate.
Thanks so much for sharing. It helps me to see how a cultural background that Im less familiar with comes with its own challenges. Generally speaking, when someone does not honor a boundary, but there is zero consequence for them, it's not really a boundary, more of a wish. So I would put a consequence, but one that I am actually ready to execute if needed, otherwise it is more like an empty threat, if you know what i mean, Would love it if you would join some of my webinars and we could talk more about this.
@@CupofEmpathy I completely agree. But culturally speaking, it is very hard to set boundaries with people (i.e. our elders) who don't believe in them. The consequence would be meaningless as the only way to get through would be to cut off all communications with them or put a stop to the relationship. This would not be taken well simply because they would only think you're being childish and vindictive. They would either simply retaliate or wait out the "consequence" (of being cut off) without taking any action or taking any responsibility on their part for the injury they have caused. With my partner it is different because I'm able to show him the necessity for boundaries and consequences for crossing them with our daughter, so he is learning whether he wants to or not. It is really a question of picking my battles carefully. But I have tried your 3-step method for communicating my disapproval of something he has done or said and it WORKED LIKE MAGIC!!
Hi Marianne. I can imagine it was a natural reaction for the person who recognised you to simply move on after you set such a strong boundary, without softening it with any encouraging words to continue the interaction. I imagine they felt humiliated and rejected to reach out to you only to be told you don't want to touch them. That can be interpreted as a physical and therefore complete rejection of them as a person. Could you maybe say that you're not touching anyone right now and you're also very happy to meet them? That might result in a different response once their need for connection us still being met.
Once at a restaurant with many of mother's friends and I were dining at. They were talking about some cruel things about some issue and I asked them to try to be more sensitive about others but then mother humiliated me "Oh my god you're so sensitive!" in a taunting way and everyone laughed at me... so having to face entire group of people turn against me was extremely difficult to cope with.
I recently set boundaries and was then accused of being selfish, weird and not collaborating well. My life path is one of contributing to others in ways that support of shared values and I believe are holistically beneficial. I also have structured my life strategy so that I can contribute in these ways without need of receiving anything in return. I will not participate in actions that I think are contributing to long-lasting harm to humanity, other life forms, and our environments in general. This practice, in my experiences, sets me apart and makes it hard to participate in some of the interactions that others would like me to... I've currently been doing hard work with intentions of creating long-lasting benefit. These acts have even been observed as beneficial and greatly needed. But, after or during those projects I've been asked to do other things that I will not do for the reasons I have outlined above. So that is how I received the response of being selfish, weird, or not collaborating. I understand those responses to mean, "if you're not doing what I say or what is normal to me, I think you're being selfish and unreasonable. So, that is not welcome." This path is hard. But, I think it is worthwhile in a bigger way than just my life. So, I am prepared for these responses..
I have watched this video twice, the first time with the intention of learning and I must have taken a lot from it and just now having set a boundary with my mum...I noticed I was agreeing to something I didn't have the headspace to manage...she was crying and rejected and confused...its so painful in many ways for us both...I have stayed with my decision, though i have been tempted to change my response...I guess i'm just saying the second time I viewed it it fully landed and I am grateful 🙏
Thanks for sharing, I can relate to your life choices, for example in terms of not harming anyone now or in the future. Yes it might be people will see you as stubborn, or interpret your behaviour according to their bias and learnt culture... You do well in taking this for granted: all of us judge according to own beliefs and emotional habits. Still I would invite you to go a bit further to relieve the bitterness in this.... As you're doing something revolutionary for most of people, this moments of discomfort are also a necessary passage for them to reflect on your life example - either if they take it in, or not. So don't take it too personally! Also I see you are after a different model of contribution to the world... Please learn how to receive others' help and support for yourself too, as this is fundamental for giving from the right energy, which is: the trust and proof that the needs of all of us (you included) can be met (and asked for). You need people around you in order to support your growth despite the delusions on the way, and you need them to celebrate together the success! Actually You don't "need" them as you're "needy"....you want them to be there....as it's your human family and the future you work for!
Sometimes the reaction I get is disappointment, or offense.. Maybe also thinking that I don't love them... Or don't care 'enough' On my side it brings me to inner reaction of being afraid, guilty... And a big fear of being in a conflict...
Sometimes also people are very judgmental or don't understand why do I set this kind of very specific and accurate boundaries, also about things that considered to be abnormal in society (I mean it considered to be normal to not set this boundaries even if you want to because 'this is the world' or whatever)
Another great clear presentation from this remarkable teacher. I send a lot of her videos to my adult daughters. I guess my experience especially with males who have not done much inner work is that they get angry and get in my face when I set a boundary. My job is to keep my center, not get triggered myself, and wait to see if they are capable of listening at all once done with their rant.
Hi Marianne, I have started to have a good look at NVC a few months ago. A bit every day. Reading books and material on the net. I watched (almost) all of your videos, bit by bit. I am very grateful for your excellent work, and I would like to thank you here. I was happy to find, on your channel, high quality material :-). All the best to you !
I’ve experienced all of these. Another one I hate is when you muster all the courage to say what you can’t do and then they continue to push you to do it! I suppose it’s good practice to restate and deal with the discomfort. They seem to be hoping that I’ll back down. I’ve also received threats like, “well if you’re going to do that then I’ll never ask you to watch my kids again!”
Hi there, thank you, your video is very helpful. My closest friend recently tried to set a healthy boundary with me but got confused and put up a wall instead, causing deep hurt in our friendship. Can you do a video on healthy boundaries versus walls that are unhealthy please.
The most diffucult response for me to deal with is when the person ignores my boundary as if they did not hear me. Sadly, in some situations this is considered normal in my culture, for example, people will often place food on your plate or pour you a drink even if you said "no, thank you" a number of times. Sometimes this breaking/ignoring of boundaries will happen after initial positive reaction and agreement. This happened to me a few times when making plans with people and left me perplexed. Friend: "I will call you when I wake up and get ready", me: "Could we set a time to meet instead so I can plan my morning? How about 10?" Friend: "Ok", also Friend: calls me at 9:05 the next day, telling me he's ready to meet and waiting outside my door.
Right...so you are talking not just about people's respons to you SHARING your boundary, but what they actually do after..that could be another video maybe. thanks for sharing!
Hm how is someone ignoring what I say not a reaction to me sharing my boundary? Is pretending not to hear not a reaction to sharing? I'm a bit confused why you chose to write SHARING in all caps in your response. I found it a bit condescending. I do understand that people's reaction to me stating somerhing and their decision to honour the boundary are two different things. I tried to express which reactions to stating my boundary are the most confusing for me - people pretending not to hear what I say and people giving an automatic yes, without thinking what they are agreeing to. Maybe I did not make that clear and confused things by trying to give examples of how boundary crossing is normalized in my culture.
Thanks Marianne for this video! At the moment I am setting bounderies in my personal relationships. Relationships I've had for a long time, with people who are not used to me setting bounderies. I can relate to all the reactions you descibed, but also noticed another one and for me that's the most difficult one to deal with. When I set a boundery in clear way and someone agrees to honouring that boundery, but doing the opposite (sometimes only a few hours later).
Thanks for asking..boundaries need to have a consequence. If you apply the consequence, people start respecting the boundary. For example: I dont want you to touch me, and I will leave this date if you do. *person touches me anyway* => *me leaving*. If you stick to your boundaries regularly, you will exude more of an air of self-respect and people will generally not mess with you as much. This is of course a learning process with a lot of details to attend to. If you would like to learn more, i'd love to coach you in one of our programs, check the link if you are interested. cupofempathy.com/nonviolent-communication-course/ Or there are private sessions available too on the website. good luck on your journey!
@@CupofEmpathy thanks Marianne! That makes sense. I watched your live session on Instagram and what I highlighted in my notes was something like a boundary without consequences is just a wish. I started practicing with setting different boundaries and following through with a consequence, but it doesn't come naturally and it takes a lot of inner strength to do so. Still, the beginning is there. I'll check out the programs!
Yes! I set a boundary with someone today who offered advice/impressions (about my future relocation). He said, "Ok, I won't bother you again." In effect, ending the relationship because I said no/gave a boundary. He said he was trying to 'help' me but it felt presumptuous, his 'guidance'. It was painful for both of us. Perhaps he was in shock. -- Thanks for your video!
Yes, they can be in shock, and also, feel very powerless and trying to get back the power by deciding to end the contact as that seems to them the only power they can have over you..
I have a friend who always does that. When I tell her I must end a conversation she says, “sorry I bothered you”. It seems very immature. I try to stay cheerful and reply, “no bother, as long as you realize I can only talk for a certain amount of time.”
From my Homeopathie therapist I got advise after setting my boundary and she said it was rightfully so as I came to her for help. I set my boundary with her right after the first conversation , saying I needed her to see my help question in the perspective of the whole journey I already made and not as if I m just starting as that would be too much for me and I wouldn't want to work with her if this was something she wouldn't be able to work with. She said 'Sure'. It improved at first a little but she was several times not able to honour my request. It ‘s sad that I probably have to discontinue treatment because she won t hear me. It s just so hard that it seems like the only thing you can do sometimes is just take a step back instead of keeping on explaining what you need and what you don t need as some people just don t seem to be able to receive it. But it feels a bit like defeat if I just stop now without saying anything more about it. So I'm still doubting whether to just accept that she can't receive them and stop homeopathy with her without telling her why, or to tell her the reason I m stopping is because I feel she can't receive what I ask and that's hard for me.
thanks for sharing Clara. And yes, when someone does not honor your boundary, esp. after multiple attempts and you paying them for a service, I would also not want to continue that contact. It's really about finding the people that match for YOU.
@@CupofEmpathy thanks for your answer, true. And those people are certainly there, but it takes some trial and error to find them... Pff. But If I may ask would you say something about the reason you stop therapy or not? As it 's likely not going to be received again but kind of to make space for yourself? I want to in a way but I also have to see her in the supermarket probably haha. And I don't want extra tension, I want less.
@@claraandriessen8423 I need to absolutely LOVE the therapist/coach I have. It's a matter of my mental health and emotional safety. And yes, you may or may not run into them and then have an awkward 30 seconds - or not. But the fear of that is probably worse than the actual situation. So yeah those are my thoughts - prioritise my mental health.
@@CupofEmpathy Yes, it's a good idea not to settle or try to make it work. It should just work to begin with otherwise you are not with the right person indeed.
Thank you so much for this video and wanting to here stories of us about setting boundaries.. Because today I had a really bad experience with setting my boundaries (and not only mine, but to me for the whole group of woman I was in, a Facebook group). The whole Facebook group is initially set up to be with all of these woman in a safe space to open up about woman stuff, in pertically the womb... And now writing and explaining all this I already feel I'm touching the core, or even a bit of it...... Because I already get starting to get tears....... Maybe it's best if I call somebody. Thank your for your presence, your video and your support to/space hold for us opening up about it. ❤️🙏
Being heard is usually not be biggest issue. People might say they heard and understand, even after checking. But they just keep doing the seem stuff (even after many, many times). Sometimes what then remains is the BLOCK option and my phone and the LOCK on my house. Bye, bye, never see this person again. How is this connecting, one could ask ? Well, it helps me to keep connection to my own values, boundaries, and mental sanity and peace. Which is much more important than 'keeping' a person, job or situation in my life.
Great video - one of your best so far! I like your comment that the person receiving your boundaries is often not the same person that will pat you on the back for setting boundaries. This week, I received another type of response when I set a boundary by declining a request: a threat, basically: "If you do not do this, then this means that I will have to ...". Clearly, the request was actually a demand. It would be practically challenging to distance myself from this person all together, but I know that I will need to be very thoughtful about how I set boundaries with her in the future. Do you have some advice on how to deal with demands?
thanks for the appreciation! how to deal with demands depends a lot on the setting (work? in hierarchy with the person? ), but im considering to have a live on instagram about this and this could be an interesting case!
Please give us your take on the Depp Heard case. The coverage is so polarising when i think what happened is two damaged people got together and reacted badly.
This video was so helpful! I think I'd benefit from hearing the upcoming live Q & A session (at 2:00 AM ...). However, I don't have an Instagram account and would prefer not to add more social media to my life. Is there a chance that I could get my need for learning met by another outlet after it's complete, such as a replay from the FB group or the course web site?
@@CupofEmpathy The link Luciana sent played without my having an Instagram account. The video addressed so many things I've run into, especially the feeling of thinking your recipient should be saying, "Yeah, you set a boundary!", but they don't.
I grew up in an environment with problematic boundaries... my mother never set her own and my father has always been behind a wall made of them. So you can Imagine I never set my own boundaries until very recently. My way of communication is often harsh unfortunately and my children have been influenced by that. Let me give you an example: I express my dislike for hand gestures, like taps, on the head, or face. The boys seem to ignore it completely... So my boundaries are oftentimes ignored, the response is "yeah, ok" and then nothing changes!
thanks for sharing your background..i imagine that is challenging. The situation you describe with your son would require a bit more exploring (what happens in you, what do you guess happens in him..), if you would like support in it I recommend you check out our private sessions: cupofempathy.com/private-sessions/
My own experience is that feelings generally want to be heard and processed, and doing that with others is helpful, regardless of whether they are pleasant or not..hope that makes sense!
I think we want to be seen and validated, that someone is witnessing our lives; otherwise what do our lives mean? So when someone shares our joy, we feel connected and seen. They are willing to be happy with and for us. We often feel that empathy means to be sad with someone, and that it's vulnerable to share our sorrows. But I have found in my experience, it's also vulnerable to share our joys. People can belittle our accomplishments and mock our joys, and thereby, belittle and mock us. It can hurt if our joy is not shared. We can feel quite alone and stupid.
I appreciated this video, it encouraged me to set some boundaries, I feel more confident and prepared on what to expect. I was wondering though, when you say that advice from people who receive our boundaries is often unpleasant to receive because it's them wanting to fix us so we do what they want... Could we see this as them wanting to take care of our relationship, behind wanting to do stuff (share moments) with us?
I would say usually we do things first and foremost for ourselves (and there is nothing wrong with that). So we give advice to help ourselves, as weird as that may sound. As I said, it CAN come from a place of only wanting to contribute and so I dont excluse the possibility of it being pleasant to receive. But in the vast majority of cases I see that this is not the reaction we want to setting a boundary. Hope that makes sense!
I'd like to understand why are you laughing when you explain the reaction of that particular person that you said to,.I'm not receiving touch from anyone It's confusing ...
Let me know what response you get when you set boundaries!
Lost a friend.
i notice that the response to my boundaries setting is mostly falling into 1. judgement and 2. unsolicited advice categories of responses that you have so wonderfully outlined in this video. also, another one significant for me that is not mentioned is - retribution- in case of my superiours at work - bad annual review/written evaluation (being called "unflexible"), not renewed contracts, refusal of more working hours and hiring someone else, lower category of salary - financial retribution, etc. so, at work the fear of retrribution/non-verbal consequences has been a big one for me. adressing them has made things worse on more occasions than not even though the non-violent communication (or semblance of it) is used at my work - i work in primary education. thank you for the video! very helpful!!
also, i appreciate so much that you emphasised that expressing and setting our boundaries. even if done "clumsily", is something you encourage us to do. i can't express enough how much i appreciate that, i need that sort of encouragement once in a while as i dont find enough of it in my rl.
@@danielamestanek7899 thanks for sharing this here, that sounds super challenging to get retribution..I so mourn that this (understandably) leads to fear in you around setting boundaries.
@@CupofEmpathy thank you for your reply. yes, this is the main mourning theme of my life.
I have had the unfortunate experience of having been not only judged for setting a boundary but having a violent response to it. One such time happened with my in-laws when I asked my husband to ask them to speak normally (i.e. like a normal adult) to my infant daughter rather than in baby speech as I wanted to help my child develop proper speech patterns. Though I realize that not everyone believes that speaking with baby speech may or may not affect the verbal development of a child, I had taken a course on it and wanted to pursue speaking normally with my child and tried to get my in-laws on board. The protest was vehement and the resulting response was "well this is the way we speak with children and if you don't like it, then we won't bother speaking to her." It was so hurtful to my husband that he just caved and said it was fine, but it really bothered me. To-date, they still don't speak to hear properly and she is a toddler with very good speech because of how we have been speaking with her on a daily basis at home.
Other times it has been with my husband who has outright sworn at me for setting a boundary because he didn't like it or because I didn't have that boundary before. After a huge fight has ensued, he has come back later once things were calmed, apologized and tried to respect that boundary. Other times (post-fight), he has agreed to respect my boundary but continued to cross it to my chagrin and discomfort. I honestly have no idea how I should be dealing with this.
Setting boundaries in my culture is not very widely accepted and it is chronic. Setting boundaries is seen as a very "western" kind of mentality. It is very hurtful and hard to navigate.
Thanks so much for sharing. It helps me to see how a cultural background that Im less familiar with comes with its own challenges. Generally speaking, when someone does not honor a boundary, but there is zero consequence for them, it's not really a boundary, more of a wish. So I would put a consequence, but one that I am actually ready to execute if needed, otherwise it is more like an empty threat, if you know what i mean,
Would love it if you would join some of my webinars and we could talk more about this.
@@CupofEmpathy I completely agree. But culturally speaking, it is very hard to set boundaries with people (i.e. our elders) who don't believe in them. The consequence would be meaningless as the only way to get through would be to cut off all communications with them or put a stop to the relationship. This would not be taken well simply because they would only think you're being childish and vindictive. They would either simply retaliate or wait out the "consequence" (of being cut off) without taking any action or taking any responsibility on their part for the injury they have caused. With my partner it is different because I'm able to show him the necessity for boundaries and consequences for crossing them with our daughter, so he is learning whether he wants to or not. It is really a question of picking my battles carefully. But I have tried your 3-step method for communicating my disapproval of something he has done or said and it WORKED LIKE MAGIC!!
Hi Marianne. I can imagine it was a natural reaction for the person who recognised you to simply move on after you set such a strong boundary, without softening it with any encouraging words to continue the interaction.
I imagine they felt humiliated and rejected to reach out to you only to be told you don't want to touch them. That can be interpreted as a physical and therefore complete rejection of them as a person.
Could you maybe say that you're not touching anyone right now and you're also very happy to meet them? That might result in a different response once their need for connection us still being met.
Once at a restaurant with many of mother's friends and I were dining at. They were talking about some cruel things about some issue and I asked them to try to be more sensitive about others but then mother humiliated me "Oh my god you're so sensitive!" in a taunting way and everyone laughed at me... so having to face entire group of people turn against me was extremely difficult to cope with.
I grew up with that too. I'm so sorry.
thanks for sharing..wow, yes, that must be double painful, getting judged and laughed at by a whole group..I mourn that this happened.
@@CupofEmpathy Yes it was painful...thank you for your empathy.
@@theshepherdsflame6017 So sorry for you too --- Hand over my heart with empathy.
@@aslmastertutor1670 Thank you. We all deserve respect and human empathy. 🙏
You have some very valuable insights. Thank you
I recently set boundaries and was then accused of being selfish, weird and not collaborating well. My life path is one of contributing to others in ways that support of shared values and I believe are holistically beneficial. I also have structured my life strategy so that I can contribute in these ways without need of receiving anything in return. I will not participate in actions that I think are contributing to long-lasting harm to humanity, other life forms, and our environments in general. This practice, in my experiences, sets me apart and makes it hard to participate in some of the interactions that others would like me to... I've currently been doing hard work with intentions of creating long-lasting benefit. These acts have even been observed as beneficial and greatly needed. But, after or during those projects I've been asked to do other things that I will not do for the reasons I have outlined above. So that is how I received the response of being selfish, weird, or not collaborating.
I understand those responses to mean, "if you're not doing what I say or what is normal to me, I think you're being selfish and unreasonable. So, that is not welcome." This path is hard. But, I think it is worthwhile in a bigger way than just my life. So, I am prepared for these responses..
Glad to hear you are aware of all of this, thanks for sharing!
I have watched this video twice, the first time with the intention of learning and I must have taken a lot from it and just now having set a boundary with my mum...I noticed I was agreeing to something I didn't have the headspace to manage...she was crying and rejected and confused...its so painful in many ways for us both...I have stayed with my decision, though i have been tempted to change my response...I guess i'm just saying the second time I viewed it it fully landed and I am grateful 🙏
Thanks for sharing, I can relate to your life choices, for example in terms of not harming anyone now or in the future. Yes it might be people will see you as stubborn, or interpret your behaviour according to their bias and learnt culture... You do well in taking this for granted: all of us judge according to own beliefs and emotional habits. Still I would invite you to go a bit further to relieve the bitterness in this.... As you're doing something revolutionary for most of people, this moments of discomfort are also a necessary passage for them to reflect on your life example - either if they take it in, or not. So don't take it too personally! Also I see you are after a different model of contribution to the world... Please learn how to receive others' help and support for yourself too, as this is fundamental for giving from the right energy, which is: the trust and proof that the needs of all of us (you included) can be met (and asked for). You need people around you in order to support your growth despite the delusions on the way, and you need them to celebrate together the success! Actually You don't "need" them as you're "needy"....you want them to be there....as it's your human family and the future you work for!
Sometimes the reaction I get is disappointment, or offense..
Maybe also thinking that I don't love them... Or don't care 'enough'
On my side it brings me to inner reaction of being afraid, guilty...
And a big fear of being in a conflict...
Sometimes also people are very judgmental or don't understand why do I set this kind of very specific and accurate boundaries, also about things that considered to be abnormal in society (I mean it considered to be normal to not set this boundaries even if you want to because 'this is the world' or whatever)
Thanks this was very helpful
Another great clear presentation from this remarkable teacher. I send a lot of her videos to my adult daughters. I guess my experience especially with males who have not done much inner work is that they get angry and get in my face when I set a boundary. My job is to keep my center, not get triggered myself, and wait to see if they are capable of listening at all once done with their rant.
very relatable..❤ and yes i like your approach.
Hi Marianne, I have started to have a good look at NVC a few months ago. A bit every day. Reading books and material on the net. I watched (almost) all of your videos, bit by bit. I am very grateful for your excellent work, and I would like to thank you here. I was happy to find, on your channel, high quality material :-). All the best to you !
I’ve experienced all of these. Another one I hate is when you muster all the courage to say what you can’t do and then they continue to push you to do it! I suppose it’s good practice to restate and deal with the discomfort. They seem to be hoping that I’ll back down.
I’ve also received threats like, “well if you’re going to do that then I’ll never ask you to watch my kids again!”
Ah yes thank you for sharing, very relatable types of reactions!
Thank you.🙏🏻😊
Thank you!, I found this video just on time, before having a tough talk about my personal boundaries, so I already feel a lot more confident ❤
Awesome!! Hope it went well.
Hi there, thank you, your video is very helpful. My closest friend recently tried to set a healthy boundary with me but got confused and put up a wall instead, causing deep hurt in our friendship. Can you do a video on healthy boundaries versus walls that are unhealthy please.
The most diffucult response for me to deal with is when the person ignores my boundary as if they did not hear me. Sadly, in some situations this is considered normal in my culture, for example, people will often place food on your plate or pour you a drink even if you said "no, thank you" a number of times. Sometimes this breaking/ignoring of boundaries will happen after initial positive reaction and agreement. This happened to me a few times when making plans with people and left me perplexed. Friend: "I will call you when I wake up and get ready", me: "Could we set a time to meet instead so I can plan my morning? How about 10?" Friend: "Ok", also Friend: calls me at 9:05 the next day, telling me he's ready to meet and waiting outside my door.
Right...so you are talking not just about people's respons to you SHARING your boundary, but what they actually do after..that could be another video maybe. thanks for sharing!
I recognise this. So you want to be heard in what you needed I'm guessing?
Hm how is someone ignoring what I say not a reaction to me sharing my boundary? Is pretending not to hear not a reaction to sharing? I'm a bit confused why you chose to write SHARING in all caps in your response. I found it a bit condescending. I do understand that people's reaction to me stating somerhing and their decision to honour the boundary are two different things. I tried to express which reactions to stating my boundary are the most confusing for me - people pretending not to hear what I say and people giving an automatic yes, without thinking what they are agreeing to. Maybe I did not make that clear and confused things by trying to give examples of how boundary crossing is normalized in my culture.
What did he respond when you told him that you both agreed on 10 a.m. ?
(+ your feelings and needs)
Thanks Marianne for this video! At the moment I am setting bounderies in my personal relationships. Relationships I've had for a long time, with people who are not used to me setting bounderies. I can relate to all the reactions you descibed, but also noticed another one and for me that's the most difficult one to deal with. When I set a boundery in clear way and someone agrees to honouring that boundery, but doing the opposite (sometimes only a few hours later).
Thanks for asking..boundaries need to have a consequence. If you apply the consequence, people start respecting the boundary. For example: I dont want you to touch me, and I will leave this date if you do. *person touches me anyway* => *me leaving*. If you stick to your boundaries regularly, you will exude more of an air of self-respect and people will generally not mess with you as much. This is of course a learning process with a lot of details to attend to. If you would like to learn more, i'd love to coach you in one of our programs, check the link if you are interested. cupofempathy.com/nonviolent-communication-course/ Or there are private sessions available too on the website. good luck on your journey!
@@CupofEmpathy thanks Marianne! That makes sense. I watched your live session on Instagram and what I highlighted in my notes was something like a boundary without consequences is just a wish. I started practicing with setting different boundaries and following through with a consequence, but it doesn't come naturally and it takes a lot of inner strength to do so. Still, the beginning is there. I'll check out the programs!
Yes! I set a boundary with someone today who offered advice/impressions (about my future relocation). He said, "Ok, I won't bother you again." In effect, ending the relationship because I said no/gave a boundary. He said he was trying to 'help' me but it felt presumptuous, his 'guidance'. It was painful for both of us. Perhaps he was in shock. -- Thanks for your video!
Yes, they can be in shock, and also, feel very powerless and trying to get back the power by deciding to end the contact as that seems to them the only power they can have over you..
I have a friend who always does that. When I tell her I must end a conversation she says, “sorry I bothered you”. It seems very immature. I try to stay cheerful and reply, “no bother, as long as you realize I can only talk for a certain amount of time.”
@@CupofEmpathy Thank you for that.
Are you coming back to TH-cam? Your videos have been helpful for me 😊 Hope to see some new videos soon.
From my Homeopathie therapist I got advise after setting my boundary and she said it was rightfully so as I came to her for help. I set my boundary with her right after the first conversation , saying I needed her to see my help question in the perspective of the whole journey I already made and not as if I m just starting as that would be too much for me and I wouldn't want to work with her if this was something she wouldn't be able to work with. She said 'Sure'. It improved at first a little but she was several times not able to honour my request. It ‘s sad that I probably have to discontinue treatment because she won t hear me. It s just so hard that it seems like the only thing you can do sometimes is just take a step back instead of keeping on explaining what you need and what you don t need as some people just don t seem to be able to receive it. But it feels a bit like defeat if I just stop now without saying anything more about it. So I'm still doubting whether to just accept that she can't receive them and stop homeopathy with her without telling her why, or to tell her the reason I m stopping is because I feel she can't receive what I ask and that's hard for me.
thanks for sharing Clara. And yes, when someone does not honor your boundary, esp. after multiple attempts and you paying them for a service, I would also not want to continue that contact. It's really about finding the people that match for YOU.
@@CupofEmpathy thanks for your answer, true. And those people are certainly there, but it takes some trial and error to find them... Pff. But If I may ask would you say something about the reason you stop therapy or not? As it 's likely not going to be received again but kind of to make space for yourself? I want to in a way but I also have to see her in the supermarket probably haha. And I don't want extra tension, I want less.
@@claraandriessen8423 I need to absolutely LOVE the therapist/coach I have. It's a matter of my mental health and emotional safety. And yes, you may or may not run into them and then have an awkward 30 seconds - or not. But the fear of that is probably worse than the actual situation. So yeah those are my thoughts - prioritise my mental health.
@@CupofEmpathy Yes, it's a good idea not to settle or try to make it work. It should just work to begin with otherwise you are not with the right person indeed.
Thank you so much for this video and wanting to here stories of us about setting boundaries.. Because today I had a really bad experience with setting my boundaries (and not only mine, but to me for the whole group of woman I was in, a Facebook group). The whole Facebook group is initially set up to be with all of these woman in a safe space to open up about woman stuff, in pertically the womb... And now writing and explaining all this I already feel I'm touching the core, or even a bit of it...... Because I already get starting to get tears....... Maybe it's best if I call somebody. Thank your for your presence, your video and your support to/space hold for us opening up about it. ❤️🙏
Sending you lots of softness!! Hope you got support in the meantime.
Uau. I love your channel! ❤ thank you🥰
thanks so much Katja!
Thank you, this helped me.
glad to hear that!!
Being heard is usually not be biggest issue. People might say they heard and understand, even after checking. But they just keep doing the seem stuff (even after many, many times).
Sometimes what then remains is the BLOCK option and my phone and the LOCK on my house.
Bye, bye, never see this person again.
How is this connecting, one could ask ?
Well, it helps me to keep connection to my own values, boundaries, and mental sanity and peace. Which is much more important than 'keeping' a person, job or situation in my life.
Great video - one of your best so far! I like your comment that the person receiving your boundaries is often not the same person that will pat you on the back for setting boundaries. This week, I received another type of response when I set a boundary by declining a request: a threat, basically: "If you do not do this, then this means that I will have to ...". Clearly, the request was actually a demand. It would be practically challenging to distance myself from this person all together, but I know that I will need to be very thoughtful about how I set boundaries with her in the future. Do you have some advice on how to deal with demands?
thanks for the appreciation! how to deal with demands depends a lot on the setting (work? in hierarchy with the person? ), but im considering to have a live on instagram about this and this could be an interesting case!
Please give us your take on the Depp Heard case. The coverage is so polarising when i think what happened is two damaged people got together and reacted badly.
I dont know enough about that to say anything about it...
This video was so helpful! I think I'd benefit from hearing the upcoming live Q & A session (at 2:00 AM ...). However, I don't have an Instagram account and would prefer not to add more social media to my life. Is there a chance that I could get my need for learning met by another outlet after it's complete, such as a replay from the FB group or the course web site?
Hi Douglas, I could check whether we can download the video for our course group, let me get back to you!
@@CupofEmpathy The link Luciana sent played without my having an Instagram account. The video addressed so many things I've run into, especially the feeling of thinking your recipient should be saying, "Yeah, you set a boundary!", but they don't.
I grew up in an environment with problematic boundaries... my mother never set her own and my father has always been behind a wall made of them. So you can Imagine I never set my own boundaries until very recently. My way of communication is often harsh unfortunately and my children have been influenced by that. Let me give you an example: I express my dislike for hand gestures, like taps, on the head, or face. The boys seem to ignore it completely... So my boundaries are oftentimes ignored, the response is "yeah, ok" and then nothing changes!
thanks for sharing your background..i imagine that is challenging. The situation you describe with your son would require a bit more exploring (what happens in you, what do you guess happens in him..), if you would like support in it I recommend you check out our private sessions: cupofempathy.com/private-sessions/
why do we need empathy when we are feeling joy? is it for connection purposes or is there something more i'm missing.
My own experience is that feelings generally want to be heard and processed, and doing that with others is helpful, regardless of whether they are pleasant or not..hope that makes sense!
I think we want to be seen and validated, that someone is witnessing our lives; otherwise what do our lives mean? So when someone shares our joy, we feel connected and seen. They are willing to be happy with and for us. We often feel that empathy means to be sad with someone, and that it's vulnerable to share our sorrows. But I have found in my experience, it's also vulnerable to share our joys. People can belittle our accomplishments and mock our joys, and thereby, belittle and mock us. It can hurt if our joy is not shared. We can feel quite alone and stupid.
I appreciated this video, it encouraged me to set some boundaries, I feel more confident and prepared on what to expect. I was wondering though, when you say that advice from people who receive our boundaries is often unpleasant to receive because it's them wanting to fix us so we do what they want... Could we see this as them wanting to take care of our relationship, behind wanting to do stuff (share moments) with us?
I would say usually we do things first and foremost for ourselves (and there is nothing wrong with that). So we give advice to help ourselves, as weird as that may sound. As I said, it CAN come from a place of only wanting to contribute and so I dont excluse the possibility of it being pleasant to receive. But in the vast majority of cases I see that this is not the reaction we want to setting a boundary. Hope that makes sense!
Ik denk dat degene die de 'nee' ontvangt zich persoonlijk afgewezen voelt. Voor hen gaat het om hen , niet om u die uw grenzen deelt
4:49 XD
XLNT!
Or atheists saying No to Christians it has been so difficult
I'd like to understand why are you laughing when you explain the reaction of that particular person that you said to,.I'm not receiving touch from anyone
It's confusing ...
Not sure i guess because their turning around was so abrubt and unexpected there was something comical about it.