Me - "I feel like your not treating me very well and I would really appreciate if we could go out and get dinner on my Birthday" Him ' "Why are you always trying to change who I am? I told you U wouldn't ever change again like I did fir my exwife."
You should have listened to and believed him the first time he said that. He’s TELLING you he’s insensitive, and that he’s “just not that into you”. Why are you willing to be his victim? Leave. Get counseling. Believe the rest of the people you meet for the rest of your life. Take them at their word and their behavior.
Did you marry my ex???? Classic narcissist....why would they make you feel special on a day every " normal" person reasonably expects to feel special when they can damage your ego and do all they can to make you feel like crap? Good people end up doing back flips trying to please the narcissist thinking they will change. The problem is, we judge them by the norms of societal behaviour and expect them to act " normal" when none of those norms apply to them and they NEVER will. The most effective thing is to do like Lisa says and go " shutty shutty" and " no contact" and use that time to find a good therapist who can help begin the healing process. No amount of talking, rationalizing, trying to make them understand your needs or point of view is going to change them because " you cannot rationalize with crazy.". Having any type of contact only gives them fuel and a chance to pull you back in because they are masters at this game. It becomes a survival decision and you must decide to save yourself because you cannot save them. Wish them love and good intentions and choose to save the person you can, yourself. ( Yes, complicated and easier said than done, but absolutely possible and worth it to reclaim your own life!)
I celebrate my birthday alone. I buy myself a nice ring. I hope you left him. They are arrogant and selfish and will leave you standing. I wish you a happy life without hurt. Nothing wrong with you. He doesn't deserve your time of the day. Always easier said then done from the outside but you can do it and be happy on your own 100% free 🦋🌹 Edit and there are good men out there too! Loving ourself doesn't mean we have to stay alone to prove we can...taking time to heal and finding healthy love at some point don't bite eachother. That was on my heart so let me add this ♥️
YES! The subtleties is what gets you. It adds up over time and when you realize what’s happening you’ve already lost yourself and don’t know what to believe. I tell people it’s like a second hand on a clock. You don’t really notice it’s moving but you know something is happening. Then 15 min., an hour, 5 hours has gone by without noticing the seconds. I always knew something was wrong but couldn’t make any sense of it until someone told me to research gaslighting.
Exactly! This is precisely why people who've never gone though this can NEVER comprehend or understand how this dynamic works and how it damages people. They think there are just "nice" people and "bad" people at face value, like it's such an easy black or white issue. They fail to realize there are dangerous, HIDDEN red flags that CANNOT and will not ever be seen by the victim until many years later and until it's too late, as you said. I have come to the point in my life where I just refuse to discuss these things with people who have never experienced narcissistic or psychopathic/sociopathic people in a romantic relationship before because he or she will NEVER be able to understand you. They dumb it down to you KNOWINGLY CHOOSING a bad person from the start, which could not be further from the truth. It's aggravating how they have such a simplistic mentality of human behavior almost akin to living in a dream world where everything is very clear and simple where you know right away who someone is when you meet them. NOT true at all!
I like to use the analogy that: Narcissists are like cats who love to play the mouse to death and when the mouse is dead, they can't believe their toy won't work anymore and go looking for another mouse.
Excellant analogy!! Too sad that the victims ( the mouse) isnt alive to see how easily replaced and how quickly forgotten by the narc they are. A narc will kill you then complain & blame you for dying and making them unhappy and putting them out for "making" them miss the big game cos they had to attend ur funeral
12:44 - Stop making everything about you 18:45 - I know why you said that 25:01 - You're so dramatic 33:49 - That's your problem 38:19 - You're crazy 42:48 - You have issues
I've grown up with a narc mother and sister and most friends and partner relationships have been narcs and I've been used and abused for most of my life. I'm now 56 yo and I've cut all cords with them and now healed myself through deep deep self healing work. It's not easy at all but so worth finding your Self and Soul again 😇 💙. I see them a mile off now. Peace and Love to all the survivors 🥰💙😇🙏 xx
I have done the same thing. Now I can recognize those demons in people and exit quickly. Soooo many of them. 🥴😂. Much happier without all that madness.
This talk has been so useful and I recognise my own experience too, from reading yours. Thankyou for posting. All the difficulty feels worth it when I see and hear these truths that we find. Much healing and wholeness to us!
Oh, and p.S, I’m the same age as you S A! (Yes trivial-but hey...) I’m interested to know what really worked well for you. I do stuff, but I guess patience is in there. And I’m not techno minded, so will just come back later a few times.
Hi my name is Stacy and I am the president of this club. I’m female and been married to my wife since 2013 but been together since 2007. This is her in a nutshell. While I’m no angel im able to own my wrongdoings. My wife is emotional immature and can’t comprehend empathy.
May you find the real you inside. May you honour this You. May you love You. May you find courage and clarity. Tap into that part of you. Take all of that and everything you've learned and all the love and wishes of these commenters and do what's best for you. You may have to confront some old crippling childhood stories you have been told and now tell yourself. You deserve your inner you to live and bloom. Its speaking to you. You know it. Listen. Act. ♡
@@iconc1402 thank you very much for your inspiration and confidence 🦋 This past week I’ve been pushing him out of my head more than ever (even when he’s talking to me), separating me from him and whatever is happening around me. Constantly talking to God inside my heart, looking for open doors. Yesterday I was talking to his older sister about her coffee mug lol and how we both like to have our coffee in peace in the early morning, as many people do. I told her I can’t do that. She understood that it’s because her brother (my husband) controls my every movement. She told me to stand up for my rights. I told her I can’t. She doesn’t know he beats me. I feel like this is an opening for me to tell her the truth about living with him so when I leave she has a heads up of why and may be willing to help. Also, last night we visited his friend who respects me very much. He told me privately that he feels like he’s talking to two different people when he looks at me. I told him that is correct. The real me, and the “face” I have to show around my husband. I asked him if he knows what narcissism is, he said no. I told him to look it up and understand it, then he will see why I am a prisoner, not free to be me. I may be able to talk to him, he already sees my husband as annoying and rude so he may be able to hear what I’m saying and help me. I also looked up numbers for domestic violence situations for u.s. citizens on the embassy website (I’m in Egypt). I don’t want to leave Egypt, but they may have contact with shelters or other support here for battered women. It’s worth a shot. I want to fly🦋🦋🦋 God bless you💖
Narcissists are often extremely high in cognitive empathy (they can read your feelings like a book), which is why they are so effective in their love bombing, and hurting you where it hurts the most.What they lack is effective empathy (to feel your feelings of joy, pain, etc.), which makes it easy for them to continue with their toxic behaviors with little conscience or regrets.
Great statement!!!! I agree 💯 they all somehow received the "feelings and emotions book" ( teachers edition) and yet we received the " cow says who!"" Owl eddition and we
@Lisa Baker yes, experienced this recently. I finally had to say, "if I'm so wrong, "bad", and a monster sort of speak, why do you keep contacting me. They can't grasp that their behavior has led you to no contact, they scratch their heads wondering, how dare you not allow me to abuse you." Is what it comes across like.
My ex actually told me to stop giggling when I was happy about a new job. Then he said my baby's getting her wings and i don't know if i like it. Then the truth came he said. I'm worried you're gonna run off with a co worker. I said well if you were treating me right you wouldn't have to worry about that would you?
Funny you would mention the death of the co-dependent self. I was becoming far more assertive with boundaries with my narc sister. Noticing the change in me, she said "I miss my sister". I said "That person is dead. I am not that person any more". It actually frightened ME when I said it. I thought to myself "Where did THAT come from?". But it was the truth. That doormat person with no boundaries is DEAD!!!
Oh wow, yeah I told my husband that I will never be the person I was before. I told him I killed her. It was kinda shocking to me as I said it, I think it shocked him too!
@@Sir_Viver Yes, it could be. But these accusations are often out of left field and don't land on the accused. Example: Your ex has a private investigator watch your whereabouts when they accuse you of cheating multiple times. Baffled, because you know you have never cheated on him, you later discover that he had cheated multiple times. Projection. Accusation. Doesn't land on the accused but on the accuser.
Yup....I was accused of flirting and wanting male attention and yet I was by his side constantly kissing him and wanting only his attention. I now realise that he knew what he was capable of hence the accusation. I've never known anyone to want outside validation as much as him
Dealing with a narcissist is mentally draining. I get tired of taking the blame for stuff just to shut him up. I get tired of walking on egg shells. I feel like he's trying to mentally break me and I'm MFn tired. A lot of the times I just want to be alone. But since the Narcissist now works from home, he is ALWAYS there. He never leaves. I have no peace of mind. I dont want to spend the rest of my life with someone like this. Rather die solo than unhappy and miserable. Thank you for these videos. Also it good to know im not going through this alone.
I feel your pain! My husband retired 8 years early! It was worse than hard, plus I didn’t know anything about Narcissism. He did get much worse as he aged! He passed away in February and what I feel is relief, and the guilt that comes with that feeling. I don’t feel it everyday, so that is helpful. You are right about knowing people going through the same thing! It is so helpful to hear their experiences! Hoping you have better days ahead!
@@rorywright5692 It actually did get better. I left him on Thursday. Filled my car with the necessary and left. I really dont have that much money but I don't care... I left. He has been calling and crying. And I dont care.
@@njerry1342 On your phone you should be able to call an info number that would be able to direct you to the kind of help you might need to help you get on your feet. If you have family or friends that will help you that would be great. It will be hard, but maybe you should block him from calling, cuz it will make you doubt your decision to leave. If you do go back, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just know he will go back to the way he was treating you. If you can save up more money, copy any documents you might need, what ever you can do to make a move easier! Stay safe!
@@rorywright5692 I really appreciate you. I'll never go back, I rather sleep in my car. And that was exactly what i was going to do. But my aunt offered us a place. So now its just the process of starting over. But we we'll be fine.
They play the victim and complain, complain, complain and the power of sugestion then come the threats. Everything's fine as long as you never disagree or your their robot slave...yea, it's all about them. You can do a perfect job and they will come in behind you and redo it just to belittle you. My advice? Get as far away from them as possible even if it takes 2 years of planning.
I unfortunately didn't get the luxury of planning though I wish I had I tried so hard to fix us when I needed to leave and fix myself for me not to what my ex had in mind because no matter what I said or did make a difference. Once I couldn't take it anymore we got even more toxic to one another. I believed I was the crazy one and lost who I was to try and please her. I'm totally free from that mess now. I'm more humble and happier without a horrible person to make me feel any less.
With him I can never get a word in edge wise, so I give up. He starts talking and always over talks me & it's a totally one sided conversation. He also tells me what I think and what I do, even if I am not thinking it or done it.
OMG I use to hear that fromy ex narc ALL THE TIME... Him telling what I think and feel....i constantly had to tell him to stop speaking for me... He also would say I dont think you love me...if im wrong prove it...smh... The thought of putting up with him is sickening to me
Gotta love when they are convinced they know what you want/like better than you do and then get very offended if you disagree or want something different.
@@eye4aneye39 yes, my ex told me I was lying every time I said ILY to him. After years of him saying that, i realized I didn’t love him anymore. He made it really easy to be able to get out even though it hurt.
@@roselarouge9107 I can truly relate. My ex made it easier for me this go round because at this point i just didnt care anymore. Whatever love I did have for him he killed that a few yrs ago. I got tired of trying to prove myself.
I listen often. I comment rarely. You have a gift from THE MOST HIGH which is clear. It is also clear you don't need validation on YT. So why am I leaving a comment today? I do so, because you unwound & exposed the weapons of mass confusion in a simple way that helps the "blind" to see. There's no greater call in life, than to obtain a platform where people can listen with their heart & come out of chains. THIS POST IS PURE GOLD! 💥❣🤗
I completely believe God led me to research narcissism after praying for help in the confusion and pain I was going through. A while ago a friend had said something about when she was still drinking and being a narcissist, as it is very much an alcoholic trait, it stuck. Then, I was researching online about alcoholics, which my husband is, and it mentioned narcissism, and the article described exactly what I had been going through...I also realized my mother was a narcissist, and it was even more obvious I found the answer, I had been feeling that my husband made me feel the way my mother did....I am changed forever, thank You Father!
What a lovely comment. It's very important to give people validation. You never know how confident a person is. So I commend you for coming out of your comfort zone to validate this beautiful lady.
I will be 50 in June 2021. I’ve spent half a century suffering from bad parents. Lots and lots of pain, self-hatred and dissociation from life. One day at a time.
You cannot take back the past, but grab the present, in the moment, and plan for the future. Those 50 years gone fast and for what? Were they really there as a 50 year old in pain. I would be spending time on me, not them that do not will not change. You may be in the rightness, but no use fighting a brick wall into eternity. Redefine, heal that is my line.
You might want to look into ACA, Adult children of Alcoholics dose not require one to have an alcoholic parent. Dysfunction occurs without alcohol. We tend to recreate the trauma of our childhood.Getting the love you want might be a good book to read as well. It is true for me, I will only recreate what I know unless I change my own inner patterns,
One of the best presentations I have ever heard on the subject! Finally, a channel with content that deserves to me monetized! You are literally changing lives Lisa!
Indeed, one of the most thorough. My husband and I are facing the terminal illness of our parents. We have Narcissistically dying parents. We've set our boundaries yet flying monkeys come in our stead. Message is, "Oh please come, I need you." Then, a text: I have a bourbon and cigar date with my boys. Today is not a good day. Push/Pull. In my husband's case, you have a man who, if he'd stop smoking, start swimming and taper off sedating meds...could dance a jig and visit the retirement homes to sing old hymns. Once I read Cloud and Townsend's "Boundaries"- I told my beloved family they were going to see changes in me they may not like. They did. But they have learned to respect them. I've been out of counseling mode for years, but badly need a refresher. The father's terminal illlness, barring a miracle from God- only has a few months to be fought. In his defense, I will say: He is fighting like a warrior to beat it. To not be a statistic. He is very much in the Word and surrounded by those who adore him. Neighbors, Choir, Sunday School and thousands of FB followers who knew him when he was a public figure. A tearful apology for one incident happened in '94. I forgave him. He may have been fearing I would testify against him in my stepmother's divorce- idk) And yet, the barbs, jabs, tantrums and gaslighting do not end with Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer. Dear God, How can this be?😞🙏🏻
My mother was a complete narcissist who was violent and critical and abusive to her four children. Constantly played us off against each other - divide and rule. It was only later in my life (in my 40s) that I realised and saw the extent of the damage that she did.
Likewise, I too can relate. It hurts the most when its a parent or sibling, who could care less about your livelihood, based upon their own experiences.
I was married to a man that fits this description for 10 years. I left him 4 years ago and am now an LPC helping others that have been abused. Your videos are so helpful to me as I continue to heal. God bless you.
I realized that to survive a narcissist abuse and find yourself on a joufyl side of life you MUST become SPIRITUAL. It's not letting the evil extinguish your inner LIGHT.
Twenty-some years after a 16-year marriage, I discover this uncannily accurate description of what happened. Man! I feel so validated! I wholeheartedly endorse getting away so you can think your own thoughts. Time does heal. Get picky about who you listen to. Loved this whole talk!
I had a narcissist father and have tended to be drawn to them in relationships but the man I am with now takes your videos and brings them to life!!! The information you are sharing is helping me understand more about myself and my need for healing. I am a spiritual person and am centered in God and will be leaving him. The fear they draw out of you and arguing is not optional. He will become violent at times and try to illicit a violent response out of me. Be aware that deep narcissism can lead to violence if a strong woman stands ground…
“Ignoring the red flags well now all of a sudden I’m color blind!” Love that it’s been 3 years since I’ve been free of this kind of abuse. My boyfriend grew up in a really good home and has a great relationship with his family, he won’t completely understand the narcissistic dynamics I grew up in, but he’s still very understanding, respectful and loving. I can see how different he is from everyone else and even better, how much I’ve healed!
Hah! My narc ex-husband, when I dared express anything for myself, would say "it's not always about you" Eventually, I looked straight at him and said "No, but sometimes it is". He never used that line on me again. In a relationship each partner at some point has a need that at that moment becomes the priority. It needs to go back and forth.
You go on for too long before you say the things you said you were going to tell- words used and why by narcissists. When you do that, you make me feel that I've been lied to.
Also- keeping a journal is important. It helps make sense in your mind that you are not who he says you are. Write it down. It helps. And pray if you’re a praying person. God will help you. He helped me a lot. You’re not alone.
Such a great idea! Wish I would have done that at the beginning of the relationship I had with a seductress that was "love bombing" me and full of lies and eventually stole from me, never admitting once she was wrong or saying she was sorry. Everything revolved around her...and I ended up being the "crazy" one! Lol
Amen to that I documented for year because they ALL slandering me over being crazy just to get what they ALL wanted especially South Side Machine Shop for HIPPA claim against them, my ex didn't want to pay me ALIMONEY and 1/2 of everything in my divorce, my brother's and sisters desperately wanting me to sign over ALL mortgages and deeds
The one thing that bothers me the most about narcissist is the smear campaign. It is the most hurtful thing knowing he has no problem trashing anybody behind the back never mind me anybody after being nice to their face two seconds earlier. I hate it that he makes up lies and enjoys every second of it
Realized all of this recently after 35 years of marriage. Both grown children triangulated. The loneliness is not as bad as waking up every day wondering why I am too much or not enough. 😑🤷♀️
My ex’s favorite saying was “It’s my way or the highway.” You can’t fight with a narcissist because they will always escalate it and you will lose badly.
That's the effin truth my last relationship with my ex of 7 years always won debates arguments and fights. No matter what I said or did was ever right to her. I could never make her happy even though I valued her happiness above mine always. She'd turn things on me and say I was the crazy one and I'm the one in the wrong always thinking I'm right. I honestly know I'm not always right but damn I know sometimes I am. Everything we all know about life is what we each go through that's how we learn. I was the one who was blamed every single time something went wrong or decisions we both made together I was still the bad guy (gal) though. We had good times yes and we went through some trying times as well but no matter how hard I fought for our relationship to flourish she'd find some way to put me down even when I tried to lift her up. I'm absolutely not a perfect person and know that no one is or will ever be. However I do know after this crazy ass relationship I am worth so much more than what I was settling for. I'm happy back home taking care of my mom and with family now building myself back up now. I was homeless due to my ex and her family and though its been one of the worst situations I've been in so far in life. I didn't succumb to the drugs out there and I found my way off the streets before I reached out to my family. My family loves me unconditionally and they told me I could have gotten in touch with them sooner that they would not have let me ever be homeless and go through the insane things I experienced out there alone. I'm stronger because of it all somehow I just wished I didn't take 7 years of my life away and lose my true self to this self absorbed narcissistic hateful non empathetic person I was so in love with and wanted so badly to see only the good in her. I started researching about these types of things I believe about a year before our relationship was coming to a complete end. I was used abused emotionally spiritually and never could understand why someone you thought loved you just as much you do them could be so bad towards you. Once I fought back and spoke up for myself and I then came across as disrespectful..I liar. A cheater..I was also always being accused of stealing things in the house like food or even as stupid as a cake pan bundt cake pan to be exact lol which in God's honest truth I did no such things. I mean their granddaughter would take foods from them for us sometimes but I was not forcing her or anything like that but things that we actually bought would sometimes come up missing but I never blatantly came out and accused them of taking my food from our mouths. Funny part was the grandmother always said if you need anything ask. Well we did sometimes and pretty much everytime it was such a big deal like it was a heinous crime to as for an egg or some sugar etc until we can get some more ourselves. Sometimes I couldn't even buy what we needed because the grandparents food overtook the space. Sorry I went on a rampage. Point is I was never enough point blank period she never fully loved me and also let family get in between us as well. Again yes it still hurts though I finally broke it off in the end of 2019. I don't fully blame her for us not working out but I must say I certainly didn't deserve a lot of what I went through. I had the idea that this type of living was just how it is..how life goes but I know so much more now than I did before. I know number one if you are in a relationship don't give all of your money completely to use on everything as both partners should have some money to their own as it only creates more problems as long as you are both honest and fair to each other because in not doing this when I got thrown out in our car I had little to no money to help myself. I was still working in a call center as I do know to work for my money but living in a car you own with a partner or ex partner is not easy when you are still expected to be at their beck and call at all times. While trying to find places safe to park with living in your vehicle is not easy as by law you don't have very many safe places to go and stay daily. Then wasting gas..not getting clean like you want and need trying to make sure you can eat too. I eventually didn't have my job anymore car got ran down because I trusted other people like myself to have my back while I had theirs like food for few tho I struggled to have enough for myself I almost died twice. I had contracted cellulitis and went to the hospital one day during work with sepsis alert stayed in the hospital almost a week that was heaven compared to my car I wished I could have stayed longer. I trusted people way too much so much i almost died from some older dude I was friends with for a couple months out there in the streets. Beat me up one night till I fought back the best I knew how or could. It was a terrifying experience. I ended up leaving my tent after reporting that guy and started staying by a church that let me do so with a couple people that actually were good people that stuck by my side while I applied for a job that came to me from another homeless person. I got the job and ended up on a crazy journey working one fair job to the next my last job was with a carnival group. I'm grateful for the experiences despite the horror I've endured it's made me wake up and see me again for once. I'm learning to enjoy my time to myself and be content with me. Most probably won't read this but if you have thank you all for listening I'm ramble a lot especially when I feel how others feel in what we all go through I've also lost family members and a few fur babies in all time. I'm so so grateful I'm with my mom and family again. I'm in the right place now. Again thank you for listening and hope it helps someone as well. I hope I also make sense 🤦♀️
Haha - really?? Wow. From outside it is so hilarious and at the same time evokes compassion for him in me. But I know when we are in the fog we often either do not see the obvious, don´t see it clearly, don´t want to see it or cannot emotionally detach.
"My Way or the Highway" were my first husbands favorite words. What an a-hole he was. Not sure how my oldest son ever worked it out but he is an upstanding person. My other son died of an overdose
Provoke provoke provoke. Lying to me, swearing at me, and breaking any of my possessions that had great sentimental value, back stabbing, cold shouldering........then when I object to this, I'm told I LOVE drama! I am SSSOOO dramatic!!! He criticized my reaction and never looked at the provocation.
@@d.o.9837 I marvel at how strong you must really be, to get through even a fraction of this! All of this scrambles your brain! It’s not that you wanted to be co- dependent. It is insidious, as sneaky as it can be! It’s a slow grooming until you don’t recognize yourself! It will take time! You will get there!
@@d.o.9837 Sounds like a depression. Not always with suicidal ideation. Making any change can be tiring with depression. Important not to feel guilty, you are just not ready yet. Change it will, grab the opportunity when it arrives. You'll be ready for it when you are ready. Rest is good for the mind and body - and also for lack of motivation. A store of unused energy is a useful resource when a new direction hove into view...
@@caliopeknows844 I did leave, but took me a long time before I understood the significance of the breakage. It was only things I brought IN to the marriage (my former life) It was only irreplaceable sentimental value items. And usually things given to me by someone (often now deceased). The breakage occurred when I was out of the room so I never actually saw what happened, and the actual occurrence of how it happened was fabricated (once I got 3 different stories for same event). Counsellor at womens shelter called it psychopathic.
Thank you 🙏🏾 I really appreciate it I’m going insane everybody around me seems to try to help me and I reject it and I am haveing hard time letting go ad the broke up from me and from my mess up and statements of tats not my problem
28 years ago I started my life over again--when I got my divorce. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for giving me the courage to build myself up again. Life is an adventure. I enjoy each day of really being alive.
This was one of the most valuable of Lisa’s lessons for me. Hit the nail on the head. Like a dog on the trail they have to throw you off track because they have no intention of addressing the issue in a productive way, that would require accepting responsibility for inappropriate behaviors, behaviors they chose not to give up because it serves their immature selfish needs.
Riiiight....that's exactly what was going on because when I did have the nerve to ask him about something that was bothering me (he was secretive alot, like because he a man I don't get to question anything 🙄) now that I think back to the answers of those questions 🤔 I can't recall the answer just us arguing back and forth he always gets loud and standoffish first and then I lose it 🤦🏽♀️ I try to be mature for a while but he just takes u there and u just don't know what to do but get down on his level 🤦🏽♀️ I didn't like doing that I always felt bad after for participating so I finally left him after 16 years together 😒
Over the last year of our 6 years together he has gone as far as flat out saying that my complaints are "nothing but made up scenarios in my messed up world that exists only in my own crazy head"
An old man.69yrs.old these days. Managed to dam near by a thread! Out to destroy my life! All because of my former so called friend and step in father, as he never reached success! Fosho! For alot of years! 16yrs. !!!! That individual Managed to cause MUCH. As well as my own family! Upon that said. End of story. They are ALL cut off! I got God on my side! Amen!
Amazing how we fall for that too. ... just as if it were actually true. Cool, calm, stealth planning makes the escape so much easier. Do not tell anyone your plans. Get credit cards in your own name. You will need them when you are gone. check out storage companies. Find out how much a moving truck costs. Start a new bank account in a different bank. Arrange your personal items so they are easily and quickly moved out by pros. "that stack, that shelf, that closet, this bedroom". Get the boxes packed and in the truck yourself or get help from private friends, NOT joint friends. Tell the movers who are doing the actual move that you are leaving a dangerous situation and have to be GONE by X:30, not a second after. If you cannot drive away before X:30, leave the rest. its only stuff.
You are sooo awesome! you just described the last 4 years of my life in a very brightly Gas-Lit relationship. Your words help me let it go, knowing I did my best... and it's not my fault. ;) Thank You for spreading the TRUE light!!!
I was wrong for twelve years, everything was my fault, I was never good enough, he always chose hanging out with friends over his wife and child. So listening to these brings back pain. Have to focus on myself now.
Mine had so many hobbies. Karate, computers, motorcycles, any old thing that interested him. When my kids and I weren't interested it was "you're never interested in my hobbies, we always have to do what you want to do. " Can't believed we survived it all. 20 years free of it but I still hear his voice doubting me. It's like having your own personal demon.
That's exactly what happened to me. If your someone's friend, support THEM! Not the abuser. But the narcist is in the power seat, so the victim is only further victimized. These abusers break people, permanently.
I feel the abuser will never change, why would they when they know everything? We on the other hand have a greater chance of healing, because we are trying to learn a new way to live, with out pain, with out chaos, onto a life of peace and hope.
We may be wounded & scared...But it isn't permanent, because we are alive & we can learn new things. Lisa is teaching us & giving us tools, to help us, dig out of the pit. One day at a time, one moment at a time. I know that it's hard.
Holy Sh!t! My reality has finally been confirmed based on what you have just explained and gave me total clarity of the last decade of my life! Wow! You have made me feel like I've lifted a ton of bricks of my chest! Thank You So Much for walking me through this turmoil and chaos I'm having to deal with over all these years..Now I need to figure out what to do starting now..I've already started to disengage myself and to stop giving in. I've finally found the courage to put my foot down and say what I needed to say. Time is of the essence and I hope the outcome is what I manifested over and over again!
Or “you’re over sensitive”, “I didn’t say or do that” or say you did something that you know you didn’t do (so you question your reality or memory). Or they argue about semantics, that whatever words you used don’t mean what they mean. They mean something else to the narcissist so you miscommunicated. Or they change the subject.
My mother used to say your father "raped" you (I am male) and she would only say this when other people were around she would also only have the police present on visiting changes if he showed up yet I am 40 now and I still can't understand why and how the only time I was raped was when I was 15 living in a motel with my mother and yet it was my fault!!!
Been there with alot of ppl (mom, aunt's, 2 ex wife's). Yes with that being said I did self reflect and researched how to be a better Son, Nephew and husband!!! That is when I found Sam Vaknin, Richard Branson, Mrs. Romano among others that instructed me that it's not me it's not them it's what I accept!!!!
Omg yes!!! What a mind F**@. My b.f. did the same thing......and would do the same thing again if the situation arose its a way to make you feel guilt/shame and have that dissonance...thinking 'oh they're not SO bad...look he realizes he has done wrong by me"..... nope. Its just a manipulation tactic to get you back 'in your place'.
Ah. That was my narcs fave. "I don't deserve you", "you deserve better than me". I finally realised that was the only time he was actually telling the truth so I believed him & left.
You have described my mother & my husband to a tee. I married my mother. My mother & my husband are narcissists. When I realized it everything came into focus. Thanks for this video
I’m with a truly malevolent narcissist sociopath! I have/am suffering cruel, inhumane, and sadistic punishments and there is so much to my story. I’m am truly sick and not functioning very well 4 yrs! Too much to tell! Thank you for these videos. To give alil faith and hope
This is how I know I’m not the narcissist in my family. My needs or what’s important to me does not exist. I’m literally just there. I also blame myself for allowing it to go on so long. My mind did and still sometimes feels like mash potatoes where nothing makes sense to the point where I don’t even understand my own feelings or trust my thoughts. That can’t be normal.
I think that is why I feel so drained and tired. Tired of trying to understand what just didn’t make sense- just tired-very tired - and very reluctant to become entangled again- I am even not going to church!
@@d.o.9837 Church today is not what it use to be. But i would suggest spending alone time with God and reading scripture. I got more help for healing from that than i did anywhere else. I've been more mentally and emotionally healthier ever since to the point i dont worry as much as i use to where as two years ago this bad family relationship really damn near gave me a mental breakdown. scripture gave me sanity and fixed my direction in life. not to sound preachy but if it helps why not right.
Coupled with birthing our children and all of that learning about all of that- or even without-the feeling of the loss of yourself- your mind, preferences...even personal style- like a tire with the air out of it...Jessica- you are precious and valuable- what you wrote took me back. I am a widow now and alone too much- but now I am thankful for many small and large things. Thank you. You will find your path.
Thank you for all you do. I’m getting my confidence of holding my own when all the manipulation tactics are thrown at me. I’m working on breaking free from the circus 🎪 I’m back in the place of making him realize that he is responsible for his own emotions and to not blame shift and word salad 🥗 onto me and the kids. I appreciate the education have given me.
This is why my channel exists, because if one other person can identify with my stories and can become aware and get out of a crisis relationship, then it’s completely worth it to put myself out there like I do. Thank you for your advice and knowledge.
Ive been a listener for a long time...but this one was the most "TRIGGERING" for me. 15 years of walking on egg shells with him and putting him before the kids. Im sharing this one with my daughter and we're listening together. We're finally physically free and on our third restraining order but the night terrors are daily still three years later. When do they stop?
Our family inside joke was that I was “always wrong”, according to my dad. My husband does the same thing to me. I’ve learned not to react from emotions and he hates it.
Why oh why do we end up with a man that turns out to be a younger version of our fathers!? I love my dad but he always treated my mom like she was dumber than a box of rocks and couldn't do a damn thing right Ever. And wouldn't you know my partner that I've been with for 20yrs next Aug. & have been friends with since 7th grade And have a 11yr old daughter with, is so much like my dad it's ridiculous and he's listening to this video right now while I'm watching it and I'm dying! Thank you
I was always wrong in my family too. My sister cements that. She says some of these things exactly. She says not everything is about to and that never happened. When I can prove that it did. Whe I confront her she says I know you like to argue I’m not doing it.
Wow! Thank you so much! I am 60 years old and just now woke up after a whole life of abandonment, betrayal and trauma and a list of narcissistic in My life . Wow I need this
So grateful for these videos. Lisa nails all the traits of the narcissist. I'm currently being punished with 100% silence and ignoring. He's completely disappeared. It's like I never even existed. Very painful and hard to understand. Everything Lisa said about you thinking you're crazy is right on point.
Change your perspective on this matter. You are being spared from dealing with their daily trauma and BS. Receive this as a gift of freedom to let go of this toxic person and move on to a better life. Quit wanting to be with this person who is so willing to hurt you. You are not being punished, but being blessed that they are not in your life anymore.
@@mstarr67 Thank you. I hope I can/will at some point. As I don't have a dial or switch to just turn-off being madly in love and committed one day to thinking I must have completely imagined this person and a relationship (promises, commitment, shared experiences etc), I feel pretty hopeless, crazy and stuck in s&it at this moment. I guess it must be shock.
@t redd. I think it is an unhealthy addiction. You are attracted to what you want them to be, but not what they are. Someone who can treat you that way, doesn’t deserve your love and devotion. You need to love and value yourself, make yourself a priority and know that you deserve better!!! Being alone is better than being with some one who devalues you and discards you. It will later be a challenge and an ego boost for them if they can Hoover you back in when they want you again for narcissistic supply.
To me that is gaslighting! Becuz now the issue is not what you brought up but he’s made the issue about never making you happy! I hope I’m explaining this right!
I have been there. That little codependent girl died. Serious grieving had to happen. I am making my way up again into a better life. And you, dear Lisa, have been extremely helpful in this very difficult time of my life. Thank you so much. God bless you! May you have a brighter and brighter future together with your kids. May your children get out of this drama healthy and strong. 🙏🧚♀️
We love Lisa and how she is helping people. I have learned so much- and only hope I can afford her program some day, so I can get out for good. I have watched every video, and even read (on Audible) her books. And have watched every video DR. Ramani has put out and read (on audible) BOTH of her books- BUT I think I need her course. Why? Because like Lisa has said many times before- just watching the videos, or being part of a support group, won't fully heal you. I can attest to that. From watching the videos and reading the books, I have made improvements in my life (minor) but I am getting sick (minor things,) but I KNOW it's my body telling me this situation no longer serves me and is actually dangerous for my health. My soul and mind are not in alignment. My soul wants me to be me...to be free...my mind suffers from cognitive dissonance and I have some minor trauma bonding I cannot seem to get over on my own. I hope to afford her course at some point...so I can get out and be me again, and be free to not be under the control of the one who wears many masks- the narcissist. Thank you for all that you do Lisa!!
When it is time to change your situation- I found that God or the universe met me far more than halfway...what was an insurmountable mountain for me in the blink of an eye became a reality! Sometimes you can be handed “a very small key that opens a very heavy door” living on the other side of that door- there’s the rub- living a free, healthy and happy life- that is the real challenge I am on pause right there
I’m stuck in the isolation phase, which is not good when you don’t go out to work . I’m safe here alone. My mom sisters adult children and two exes narcs . Thank you for your videos, Lisa . I appreciate the validation a lot .
There is nothing wrong with spending time in solitude. On the contrary...this is the time that you have to look deeply into yourself, determine what matters most to you, set up new goals, imagine a new future, and ultimately, set a new path for the future! There is a reason that all spiritual leaders, and many religions, strongly advocate time spent in solitude. This is where you can see your soul, and understand what your life is about. Revel in it!
I lived 8 years with a Narcissist. I held on to my sanity, I NEVER want to experience that again. I have nightmares, and building my self esteem. UNBELIEVABLE!
I started to worry, when I heard that asking, "Why do you always make things about you?" is a gaslighting phrase. I know it is, when it is used by a narcissist to distract from their bad behaviour, but I have also experienced a narcissist who does exactly that - makes everything about them. This made me wonder, if I was possibly being narcissistic, as I asked why he was making that situation all about him, when it actually wasn't. I sometimes feel that I'm sinking under the weight of phrases; who says them, who shouldn't say them and I worry that I'm missing all the signals that are pointing to me, saying that it's actually me who is the narcissist. I literally have difficulty seeing the wood for the trees. For that reason, I found it helpful when you advised people to stop and think about the situation and what was said, in order to assess it properly and honestly, before passing judgment on yourself or anyone else. :)
"Why do you always make things about you?" is a gaslighting phrase sometimes, but other times it is a genuine question. It sounds like you realized you said it in an argumentative way? That's awesome insight! We all say things and we all learn from them and I think the best time in healthy relationships are the moment after the fight has dissolved and both people are humble and reassuring and so much good talk and understanding can come of that. If you're trying to improve your communication skills, you could try to avoid saying 'always' or 'never' because that can trigger defensiveness or anger in the other person. Stay present in the moment and use specific examples to back up what you mean (ex: if they interrupt you and change the topic from how you feel to how they feel before you have had a chance to finish talking or feel heard).
I was thinking this exactly. My narcissistic husband literally almost always makes everything about him. I am no longer a doormat to his gaslighting and stand up for myself. So I as well use the phrase it's always all about you, when I've just heard too much. Of course it does no good, and it's turned right back around on me, but it does make me feel better to point it out. I guess I still hold hope that someday he'll get it... It can all be so confusing!
Thank God it was only 5 mos before I saw the light. I discovered and was happy to see my personal growth by recognizing his MO sooner than later, and I cut him off immediately.
Hi , just walked away from a relationship like this , I had to tell this person that I'm tired of this kind of treatment ! I was always made to as if I was not important of in constant rejection , and always feeling in the wrong ! The pain was too much ! So thank you !
Lisa I congratulate you because you are absolutely right, the narcissist is our teacher to wake up from sleep or lift the veil of unconsciousness, you have a degree of wisdom that has cost you because you have worked on yourself ..... listening to you and other therapists I am on the way to wake up ... as you say it is through the knowledge of these issues and people like you who share their knowledge and experience .... I am eternally grateful to you .. Namaste, God bless you
This is Brilliant, Lisa. TV and Movies are flooded with Narcissistic and Toxic behavior on top of Cognitive Dissonance and the Trauma Bond, and what this community needs is this identification and breakdown of narcissistic behavior. I love how you break down how these phrases can be used in both a healthy and toxic way, and that we need to be aware of how and when Narcs are using these phrases to control us. Thank You!
Ì am 57 and dated a narcissist for 8 years. I was stonewalled, he was aloof, never ever moved forward in our relationship. I bought your 21 day inner child healing journal and it opened my brain. Unlocked all the sick narratives that I had of myself. How I attract narcissists in my life. Every relationship marriage I was with a narcissist I sincerely want to thank you for putting these videos out there. I want to do your twelve week course when I have the money to do it. 21 day journal literally opened my eyes and really changed me. I have self love for the very first time in my life. Thank you Lisa for doing all you do. I am sending you hugs with a lot of gratitude!!
This is my mom and sisters. I just never knew it, but have been told every single one of these phrases. I was raised to be the apologizer, told, "It doesn't matter what they did, you know how they are. Just be the bigger person and apologize. That only made them feel like their bad behavior was my fault. It feels great to see that it's not all me.
It’s quite beautiful that you choose to use your time and energy to help those of us further back on this trail Thank you from the deepest places of my consciousness
A month into dating my ex, I told her. "You really like to keep me guessing. I walk around wondering WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON " She laughed. I think it confirmed to her she was tearing me down.
I have only listened to you about three times and in the last three years I have listened to hours of information on narcissism. However, in all those hours of info, I didn't really get answers about me and how I could heal and change my perception. Your insight and personal journey has been so helpful. Also, beside my sister, I never heard anybody talk about being made wrong. When I sought validation from others because I was so destroyed by my husband, now ex for 20 years, I was made to feel like I was just self centered. As I listened to this talk, I felt a comfort and healing balm surround my heart. People who have not been in a marriage to a narcissist, have no idea. Thank you so much. Be blessed!
"Namaste & Walk Away" good title for your next book! Thank you for this video. So much good info to reflect upon & be on the lookout for. God bless you as you continue to be a light in this dark & hurting world.
I had a guy do this to me and then convince an entire county that I was the crazy abusive one. I still wake up screaming at night from what he did to me.
God was with you then and He is with you now. May you find peace in knowing that God knows exactly who the nut job is and will deal with him. As for you, He wants to heal your heart and for you to know He never believed that guy.
I always described my relationship with my mother as "if I go seeking comfort, I should know to expect open arms followed by a swift kick in the chest." I thought maybe I had misunderstood her after I had my daughter, because I finally knew what a mother's love was- so surely I was mistaken, and I tried again to build a relationship. When I saw how toxic everything was, I made the mistake of speaking out loud that I wouldn't tolerate the abuse in my or my child's life and was cutting off contact. She responded with 15 bogus calls to cps and a custody suit. I'm now fighting to keep my child.A true Narcissist will hit where it hurts, regardless of truth or even collateral damage.
I feel paralyzed emotionally & have reached a point the pull, the chaos, the disconnect & my own part in feeling so bad for his loneliness & how he could end up this way & realize the little occasional goodness he shows is always temporary & never changes. I know in order from my ending up being destroyed if I remain, I need to save myself. I ran across a book titled “When Loving You Is Killing Me” - I can relate!
I love listening to your videos. You have helped me make sense of a very strange dynamic that I had no idea even existed. Knowledge is power but the pain is still very real.
@@kathynelson3903 my early to mid twenties. Sadly. Shes REALLY good at what she does sadly. Ive been in numerous psych wards. The only thing wrong with me was her
@@Yinyangmystic I TOTALLY understand how it takes forever to figure out what the heck is happening. Us normal ones trust ppl way too much and want to give everyone another chance. Forgiving them always, at least till we figure it out. Praying all the best for you, Mindy!
This video is by far the best walkthrough of ANY narcissistic relationship dynamic. Outstanding personal testimony and description. Saving and sharing with many that this will help! Thanks so much
Here is something else, not being able to give a genuine apology. They’ll say I know I know, or I’m sorry you feel that way! Ask them why they are sorry for how I feel! 🤨
Thank you! I was married to a covert narcissist and all these phrases were used against me. Divorcing him was a long drawn out struggle. I didn’t realize it! Glad I am on the other side!
Thanks Lisa. You're like the mother I wish I had. I've listened to this 3 times and it everything you said is so true. So true. Thank you for speaking up for so many people with such small voices.
I appreciate how you break down everything that I have ever experienced in life with a narcissist. Thank you for your ability to talk to us and not at us.
I can't describe in words how valuable the work you do to me. So frank, clear, well-phrased, deep and accurate observations and understandings. I find myself in your words and what you share and only by that do I receive so much understanding. Thank you so so much!!
my narcissist love bombed my son all the time for years and he really thought that my son should choose him over me once we separated. My son who is now an adult told me "even as a kid something was always off with him, even when he was giving me everything". He actually turned on my son and said things to him that my son will not share with me, but he blocked him on every platform. We share two (2) daughters and my youngest (19) has no contact with him because she said dealing with him disturbs her peace. My oldest (22) went to therapy 3 years ago because she thought I was her problem. Once she got into therapy the therapist told her "your dad is a narcissist". She actually discovered that he was the source of her mental unrest. She was diagnosed with BPD. While she knows who he is, she still craves his acceptance. Her interaction with him is limited, but she continues interact. He has turned on him on so many occasions with name calling, etc. I carry guilt feeling like I stayed too long and it impacted my children.
Letting go of my end of the relationship has more caveats than I initially expected. After my cognitive dissonance cleared, and the amount of glory I was still extending to the narc in my head was almost infinite. I began reexamining every friend of a friend, contact, "synchronicities " and somehow stopped in my tracks. I'll go down this road initially for a while emotionally, but because of a channel like this I'm headed in the right direction.
A ton of bricks just fell on me. I've realized, just now, I'm in love with a man I HAVE to let go of =((((( How did I allow this to happen? I feel physicall y ill :/
I've never heard of a narcissist until she called me 1, I think they do that at the end of the relationship so u look it up and see what u have been dealing with,I found out that she had been doing this on purpose to hurt me,now I'm getten myself back on my feet,u hurt me I'll hurt u worse,I'm not the kinda guy she should have hurt ,my advice let things cool down,then go get ur get back
Narcissist people and gaslighting is not isolated to just Intimate relationships. I grew up being treated the way you described with a narcissistic toxic mother and siblings. The only way to get through it and heal/recovery is just to cut them off and to never have contact with them again. Even family YES!!!
It takes time to recover. I personally focused on my relationship with Christ Jesus. They did Him the same way and even worse. It was a blessing to be out of that lying relationship with an abuser. Narcissist is a nice name for people full of demons. Consider yourself blessed. Now you are out of the grip of darkness.
Yes and a fool. People who knew think it's hilarious because they are narcs themselves. I will get better and recover from it all in time. He will forever be a wretched liar and hate himself. No cure for narcs!
My sister plays word games to the degree I feel she gets a thrill out of it. I have come to the conclusion why am I the one always apologizing and I haven't done anything. A light went off in my head yesterday and NO MORE controlling and belittling!!!! I went back to my training as a CC and not all foolishness need my attention or time, honey am getting busy living my life for ME!!!!!😀👏🏾👏🏾
I don't ever want any kind of relationship. I refuse to trust human beings. Too many alcoholics, drug addicts, computer addicts,etc. Many abusive people especially since I became disabled
Me - "I feel like your not treating me very well and I would really appreciate if we could go out and get dinner on my Birthday" Him ' "Why are you always trying to change who I am? I told you U wouldn't ever change again like I did fir my exwife."
Stop being a victim. Leave!
Pray as you go. Keep up the Faith. GOD is my refuge.I believe. I trust. And I await.🙏🏿💕👣🕊🙏🏿💕👣🕊🙏🏿💕👣🕊🙏🏿💕👣🕊🙏🏿💕👣🕊
You should have listened to and believed him the first time he said that. He’s TELLING you he’s insensitive, and that he’s “just not that into you”. Why are you willing to be his victim? Leave. Get counseling. Believe the rest of the people you meet for the rest of your life. Take them at their word and their behavior.
Did you marry my ex???? Classic narcissist....why would they make you feel special on a day every " normal" person reasonably expects to feel special when they can damage your ego and do all they can to make you feel like crap? Good people end up doing back flips trying to please the narcissist thinking they will change. The problem is, we judge them by the norms of societal behaviour and expect them to act " normal" when none of those norms apply to them and they NEVER will. The most effective thing is to do like Lisa says and go " shutty shutty" and " no contact" and use that time to find a good therapist who can help begin the healing process. No amount of talking, rationalizing, trying to make them understand your needs or point of view is going to change them because " you cannot rationalize with crazy.". Having any type of contact only gives them fuel and a chance to pull you back in because they are masters at this game. It becomes a survival decision and you must decide to save yourself because you cannot save them. Wish them love and good intentions and choose to save the person you can, yourself. ( Yes, complicated and easier said than done, but absolutely possible and worth it to reclaim your own life!)
I celebrate my birthday alone.
I buy myself a nice ring.
I hope you left him. They are arrogant and selfish and will leave you standing.
I wish you a happy life without hurt.
Nothing wrong with you. He doesn't deserve your time of the day. Always easier said then done from the outside but you can do it and be happy on your own 100% free 🦋🌹
Edit and there are good men out there too!
Loving ourself doesn't mean we have to stay alone to prove we can...taking time to heal and finding healthy love at some point don't bite eachother.
That was on my heart so let me add this ♥️
It happens so subtly that you don't even realize its happening until it's too late
It's never to late to make yourself Matter again.
YES! The subtleties is what gets you. It adds up over time and when you realize what’s happening you’ve already lost yourself and don’t know what to believe. I tell people it’s like a second hand on a clock. You don’t really notice it’s moving but you know something is happening. Then 15 min., an hour, 5 hours has gone by without noticing the seconds. I always knew something was wrong but couldn’t make any sense of it until someone told me to research gaslighting.
Yes
Exactly! This is precisely why people who've never gone though this can NEVER comprehend or understand how this dynamic works and how it damages people. They think there are just "nice" people and "bad" people at face value, like it's such an easy black or white issue. They fail to realize there are dangerous, HIDDEN red flags that CANNOT and will not ever be seen by the victim until many years later and until it's too late, as you said. I have come to the point in my life where I just refuse to discuss these things with people who have never experienced narcissistic or psychopathic/sociopathic people in a romantic relationship before because he or she will NEVER be able to understand you. They dumb it down to you KNOWINGLY CHOOSING a bad person from the start, which could not be further from the truth. It's aggravating how they have such a simplistic mentality of human behavior almost akin to living in a dream world where everything is very clear and simple where you know right away who someone is when you meet them. NOT true at all!
Yes!
I like to use the analogy that: Narcissists are like cats who love to play the mouse to death and when the mouse is dead, they can't believe their toy won't work anymore and go looking for another mouse.
Oh my gosh! That was so...wow!
Excellant analogy!! Too sad that the victims ( the mouse) isnt alive to see how easily replaced and how quickly forgotten by the narc they are. A narc will kill you then complain & blame you for dying and making them unhappy and putting them out for "making" them miss the big game cos they had to attend ur funeral
That’s a good one.
@@LibraLady-hg4pd yep pure sadism.
@@LibraLady-hg4pd pure evils
12:44 - Stop making everything about you
18:45 - I know why you said that
25:01 - You're so dramatic
33:49 - That's your problem
38:19 - You're crazy
42:48 - You have issues
Thank you. 👏
Thank you! X
Thank you!
Thanks
Thanks.
I've grown up with a narc mother and sister and most friends and partner relationships have been narcs and I've been used and abused for most of my life. I'm now 56 yo and I've cut all cords with them and now healed myself through deep deep self healing work. It's not easy at all but so worth finding your Self and Soul again 😇 💙. I see them a mile off now. Peace and Love to all the survivors 🥰💙😇🙏 xx
I have done the same thing. Now I can recognize those demons in people and exit quickly. Soooo many of them. 🥴😂. Much happier without all that madness.
Me too!
This talk has been so useful and I recognise my own experience too, from reading yours. Thankyou for posting. All the difficulty feels worth it when I see and hear these truths that we find. Much healing and wholeness to us!
Oh, and p.S, I’m the same age as you S A! (Yes trivial-but hey...) I’m interested to know what really worked well for you. I do stuff, but I guess patience is in there. And I’m not techno minded, so will just come back later a few times.
Hi :)
Good for you!
Any suggestions on the healing process you found to be helpful :)
My husband hates me for thinking, speaking, breathing. God help me get away from him🤲🏼
My wife is exactly the same.
@@d.o.9837 has to bh
Hi my name is Stacy and I am the president of this club. I’m female and been married to my wife since 2013 but been together since 2007. This is her in a nutshell. While I’m no angel im able to own my wrongdoings. My wife is emotional immature and can’t comprehend empathy.
May you find the real you inside. May you honour this You. May you love You. May you find courage and clarity. Tap into that part of you. Take all of that and everything you've learned and all the love and wishes of these commenters and do what's best for you. You may have to confront some old crippling childhood stories you have been told and now tell yourself.
You deserve your inner you to live and bloom. Its speaking to you. You know it. Listen. Act. ♡
@@iconc1402 thank you very much for your inspiration and confidence 🦋 This past week I’ve been pushing him out of my head more than ever (even when he’s talking to me), separating me from him and whatever is happening around me. Constantly talking to God inside my heart, looking for open doors. Yesterday I was talking to his older sister about her coffee mug lol and how we both like to have our coffee in peace in the early morning, as many people do. I told her I can’t do that. She understood that it’s because her brother (my husband) controls my every movement. She told me to stand up for my rights. I told her I can’t. She doesn’t know he beats me.
I feel like this is an opening for me to tell her the truth about living with him so when I leave she has a heads up of why and may be willing to help. Also, last night we visited his friend who respects me very much. He told me privately that he feels like he’s talking to two different people when he looks at me. I told him that is correct. The real me, and the “face” I have to show around my husband.
I asked him if he knows what narcissism is, he said no. I told him to look it up and understand it, then he will see why I am a prisoner, not free to be me. I may be able to talk to him, he already sees my husband as annoying and rude so he may be able to hear what I’m saying and help me.
I also looked up numbers for domestic violence situations for u.s. citizens on the embassy website (I’m in Egypt). I don’t want to leave Egypt, but they may have contact with shelters or other support here for battered women. It’s worth a shot. I want to fly🦋🦋🦋
God bless you💖
Narcissists are often extremely high in cognitive empathy (they can read your feelings like a book), which is why they are so effective in their love bombing, and hurting you where it hurts the most.What they lack is effective empathy (to feel your feelings of joy, pain, etc.), which makes it easy for them to continue with their toxic behaviors with little conscience or regrets.
Great statement!!!! I agree 💯 they all somehow received the "feelings and emotions book" ( teachers edition) and yet we received the " cow says who!"" Owl eddition and we
@Lisa Baker yes, experienced this recently. I finally had to say, "if I'm so wrong, "bad", and a monster sort of speak, why do you keep contacting me. They can't grasp that their behavior has led you to no contact, they scratch their heads wondering, how dare you not allow me to abuse you." Is what it comes across like.
They push people into manic depression?
BINGO !
My ex actually told me to stop giggling when I was happy about a new job. Then he said my baby's getting her wings and i don't know if i like it. Then the truth came he said. I'm worried you're gonna run off with a co worker. I said well if you were treating me right you wouldn't have to worry about that would you?
Funny you would mention the death of the co-dependent self. I was becoming far more assertive with boundaries with my narc sister. Noticing the change in me, she said "I miss my sister". I said "That person is dead. I am not that person any more". It actually frightened ME when I said it. I thought to myself "Where did THAT come from?". But it was the truth. That doormat person with no boundaries is DEAD!!!
Now THAT'S a funeral worth attending! Good work!
She missed being able to manipulate you. Good for you!👍
Oh wow, yeah I told my husband that I will never be the person I was before. I told him I killed her. It was kinda shocking to me as I said it, I think it shocked him too!
Bravo!!!
My husband says exactly the same thing to me. “Where is the woman I married?” I tell him, “you broke her”.
Heard this on another social media platform today. "The narcissist's accusation is also their confession."
Omg this is absolutely true I get this now
Their accusation could still be the truth. "It takes one to know one"?
@@Sir_Viver Yes, it could be. But these accusations are often out of left field and don't land on the accused. Example: Your ex has a private investigator watch your whereabouts when they accuse you of cheating multiple times. Baffled, because you know you have never cheated on him, you later discover that he had cheated multiple times. Projection. Accusation. Doesn't land on the accused but on the accuser.
@@CorinneIsIn Agreed. We are both still right.
Yup....I was accused of flirting and wanting male attention and yet I was by his side constantly kissing him and wanting only his attention. I now realise that he knew what he was capable of hence the accusation. I've never known anyone to want outside validation as much as him
Dealing with a narcissist is mentally draining. I get tired of taking the blame for stuff just to shut him up. I get tired of walking on egg shells. I feel like he's trying to mentally break me and I'm MFn tired. A lot of the times I just want to be alone. But since the Narcissist now works from home, he is ALWAYS there. He never leaves. I have no peace of mind. I dont want to spend the rest of my life with someone like this. Rather die solo than unhappy and miserable. Thank you for these videos. Also it good to know im not going through this alone.
I feel your pain! My husband retired 8 years early! It was worse than hard, plus I didn’t know anything about Narcissism. He did get much worse as he aged! He passed away in February and what I feel is relief, and the guilt that comes with that feeling. I don’t feel it everyday, so that is helpful. You are right about knowing people going through the same thing! It is so helpful to hear their experiences! Hoping you have better days ahead!
@@rorywright5692 It actually did get better. I left him on Thursday. Filled my car with the necessary and left. I really dont have that much money but I don't care... I left. He has been calling and crying. And I dont care.
@@njerry1342 On your phone you should be able to call an info number that would be able to direct you to the kind of help you might need to help you get on your feet. If you have family or friends that will help you that would be great. It will be hard, but maybe you should block him from calling, cuz it will make you doubt your decision to leave. If you do go back, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just know he will go back to the way he was treating you. If you can save up more money, copy any documents you might need, what ever you can do to make a move easier! Stay safe!
@@njerry1342 Good on you! Now block his number.
@@rorywright5692 I really appreciate you. I'll never go back, I rather sleep in my car. And that was exactly what i was going to do. But my aunt offered us a place. So now its just the process of starting over. But we we'll be fine.
They play the victim and complain, complain, complain and the power of sugestion then come the threats. Everything's fine as long as you never disagree or your their robot slave...yea, it's all about them. You can do a perfect job and they will come in behind you and redo it just to belittle you. My advice? Get as far away from them as possible even if it takes 2 years of planning.
I unfortunately didn't get the luxury of planning though I wish I had I tried so hard to fix us when I needed to leave and fix myself for me not to what my ex had in mind because no matter what I said or did make a difference. Once I couldn't take it anymore we got even more toxic to one another. I believed I was the crazy one and lost who I was to try and please her. I'm totally free from that mess now. I'm more humble and happier without a horrible person to make me feel any less.
Everything described here about narcissism is what you will find in psychologists and people who are social workers
TOOK ME 3 WEEKS, My time is VALUABLE~
@@dampergoldenrod4156 I've seen that, too. Not everyone of them is , though.
With him I can never get a word in edge wise, so I give up. He starts talking and always over talks me & it's a totally one sided conversation. He also tells me what I think and what I do, even if I am not thinking it or done it.
OMG I use to hear that fromy ex narc ALL THE TIME... Him telling what I think and feel....i constantly had to tell him to stop speaking for me... He also would say I dont think you love me...if im wrong prove it...smh... The thought of putting up with him is sickening to me
Gotta love when they are convinced they know what you want/like better than you do and then get very offended if you disagree or want something different.
EXACTLY my ex too!
@@eye4aneye39 yes, my ex told me I was lying every time I said ILY to him. After years of him saying that, i realized I didn’t love him anymore. He made it really easy to be able to get out even though it hurt.
@@roselarouge9107 I can truly relate. My ex made it easier for me this go round because at this point i just didnt care anymore. Whatever love I did have for him he killed that a few yrs ago. I got tired of trying to prove myself.
"When ppl don't change, it forces you to let go."
So true. Thank you.
I listen often. I comment rarely. You have a gift from THE MOST HIGH which is clear. It is also clear you don't need validation on YT. So why am I leaving a comment today? I do so, because you unwound & exposed the weapons of mass confusion in a simple way that helps the "blind" to see. There's no greater call in life, than to obtain a platform where people can listen with their heart & come out of chains. THIS POST IS PURE GOLD! 💥❣🤗
Amen
Totally agree. I grew closer to God and it changed everything for me.
I completely believe God led me to research narcissism after praying for help in the confusion and pain I was going through. A while ago a friend had said something about when she was still drinking and being a narcissist, as it is very much an alcoholic trait, it stuck. Then, I was researching online about alcoholics, which my husband is, and it mentioned narcissism, and the article described exactly what I had been going through...I also realized my mother was a narcissist, and it was even more obvious I found the answer, I had been feeling that my husband made me feel the way my mother did....I am changed forever, thank You Father!
What a lovely comment. It's very important to give people validation. You never know how confident a person is. So I commend you for coming out of your comfort zone to validate this beautiful lady.
Amen 🙏🏻🤍
I will be 50 in June 2021. I’ve spent half a century suffering from bad parents. Lots and lots of pain, self-hatred and dissociation from life. One day at a time.
me too
You’re here, so you are already mending. Knowledge is power. Stay with it!
Sending you healing love and light! You are loved!
You cannot take back the past, but grab the present, in the moment, and plan for the future. Those 50 years gone fast and for what? Were they really there as a 50 year old in pain. I would be spending time on me, not them that do not will not change. You may be in the rightness, but no use fighting a brick wall into eternity. Redefine, heal that is my line.
You might want to look into ACA, Adult children of Alcoholics dose not require one to have an alcoholic parent. Dysfunction occurs without alcohol. We tend to recreate the trauma of our childhood.Getting the love you want might be a good book to read as well. It is true for me, I will only recreate what I know unless I change my own inner patterns,
You need to do a Ted Talk!!! You are the most eloquent, likable, kind-hearted person talking about this topic.
One of the best presentations I have ever heard on the subject! Finally, a channel with content that deserves to me monetized! You are literally changing lives Lisa!
Indeed, one of the most thorough. My husband and I are facing the terminal illness of our parents.
We have Narcissistically dying parents.
We've set our boundaries yet flying monkeys come in our stead. Message is, "Oh please come, I need you." Then, a text: I have a bourbon and cigar date with my boys. Today is not a good day.
Push/Pull.
In my husband's case, you have a man who, if he'd stop smoking, start swimming and taper off sedating meds...could dance a jig and visit the retirement homes to sing old hymns.
Once I read Cloud and Townsend's "Boundaries"- I told my beloved family they were going to see changes in me they may not like. They did. But they have learned to respect them.
I've been out of counseling mode for years, but badly need a refresher.
The father's terminal illlness, barring a miracle from God- only has a few months to be fought.
In his defense, I will say: He is fighting like a warrior to beat it. To not be a statistic. He is very much in the Word and surrounded by those who adore him. Neighbors, Choir, Sunday School and thousands of FB followers who knew him when he was a public figure.
A tearful apology for one incident happened in '94. I forgave him.
He may have been fearing I would testify against him in my stepmother's divorce- idk)
And yet, the barbs, jabs, tantrums and gaslighting do not end with Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer. Dear God, How can this be?😞🙏🏻
Word!
My mother was a complete narcissist who was violent and critical and abusive to her four children. Constantly played us off against each other - divide and rule. It was only later in my life (in my 40s) that I realised and saw the extent of the damage that she did.
That is odd mothering
I experienced that with my step mother
I am sorry.
My mother, father & sister RIP are the same. I've slowly realized it. Such evil & abuse, targeting those you are supposed to love is horrible & sick.
@@laurelflint1866 so true
My mother was exactly the same way!! She was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
Likewise, I too can relate. It hurts the most when its a parent or sibling, who could care less about your livelihood, based upon their own experiences.
I was married to a man that fits this description for 10 years. I left him 4 years ago and am now an LPC helping others that have been abused. Your videos are so helpful to me as I continue to heal. God bless you.
@@jamesarmstrong4179 no I’m not with anyone.
@@jamesarmstrong4179 America
I realized that to survive a narcissist abuse and find yourself on a joufyl side of life you MUST become SPIRITUAL. It's not letting the evil extinguish your inner LIGHT.
Twenty-some years after a 16-year marriage, I discover this uncannily accurate description of what happened. Man! I feel so validated! I wholeheartedly endorse getting away so you can think your own thoughts. Time does heal. Get picky about who you listen to. Loved this whole talk!
I can relate to this,completely..I've lived a sad life..i feel numb now to "HIM"..i stopped trying.i...i run to my Lord Jesus for comfort 🙏
With time you Will heal & feel again it took me a few years,but it will happen!
Smoke weed. Its beautiful maryjane will never let you down.💕💕
I had a narcissist father and have tended to be drawn to them in relationships but the man I am with now takes your videos and brings them to life!!! The information you are sharing is helping me understand more about myself and my need for healing. I am a spiritual person and am centered in God and will be leaving him. The fear they draw out of you and arguing is not optional. He will become violent at times and try to illicit a violent response out of me. Be aware that deep narcissism can lead to violence if a strong woman stands ground…
“Ignoring the red flags well now all of a sudden I’m color blind!” Love that it’s been 3 years since I’ve been free of this kind of abuse. My boyfriend grew up in a really good home and has a great relationship with his family, he won’t completely understand the narcissistic dynamics I grew up in, but he’s still very understanding, respectful and loving. I can see how different he is from everyone else and even better, how much I’ve healed!
Hah! My narc ex-husband, when I dared express anything for myself, would say "it's not always about you" Eventually, I looked straight at him and said "No, but sometimes it is". He never used that line on me again. In a relationship each partner at some point has a need that at that moment becomes the priority. It needs to go back and forth.
My ex narc wouldve said "yeah, sometimes. maybe. but this aint one of them times. Better luck next time"
You go on for too long before you say the things you said you were going to tell- words used and why by narcissists. When you do that, you make me feel that I've been lied to.
@@wcgreenefineart I do not understand what you are trying to say.....and in what way is your post a reply to mine?
@@l.5832 I think posters must mean the video presenter, clickbait
Real Truth!!! Amen!!!!👐🏿🙌🏿🙏🏾🔥🔥🔥I am proud of you sis for confronting your husband with "Sometimes it is about me."🤗🙌🏿👐🏿👐🏿🙌🏿. That is real talk!!!!!
Also- keeping a journal is important. It helps make sense in your mind that you are not who he says you are. Write it down. It helps. And pray if you’re a praying person. God will help you. He helped me a lot. You’re not alone.
The problem with keeping a journal is that someone always gets a hold of it and uses it against you!
@@imjustmeTBD I used to write some things in shorthand
Such a great idea! Wish I would have done that at the beginning of the relationship I had with a seductress that was "love bombing" me and full of lies and eventually stole from me, never admitting once she was wrong or saying she was sorry.
Everything revolved around her...and I ended up being the "crazy" one! Lol
Amen to that I documented for year because they ALL slandering me over being crazy just to get what they ALL wanted especially South Side Machine Shop for HIPPA claim against them, my ex didn't want to pay me ALIMONEY and 1/2 of everything in my divorce, my brother's and sisters desperately wanting me to sign over ALL mortgages and deeds
Yes. I’ve kept all of mine with me. And when I’d go out I’d take them with me.
The one thing that bothers me the most about narcissist is the smear campaign. It is the most hurtful thing knowing he has no problem trashing anybody behind the back never mind me anybody after being nice to their face two seconds earlier. I hate it that he makes up lies and enjoys every second of it
Realized all of this recently after 35 years of marriage. Both grown children triangulated. The loneliness is not as bad as waking up every day wondering why I am too much or not enough. 😑🤷♀️
My ex’s favorite saying was “It’s my way or the highway.”
You can’t fight with a narcissist because they will always escalate it and you will lose badly.
That's the effin truth my last relationship with my ex of 7 years always won debates arguments and fights. No matter what I said or did was ever right to her. I could never make her happy even though I valued her happiness above mine always. She'd turn things on me and say I was the crazy one and I'm the one in the wrong always thinking I'm right. I honestly know I'm not always right but damn I know sometimes I am. Everything we all know about life is what we each go through that's how we learn. I was the one who was blamed every single time something went wrong or decisions we both made together I was still the bad guy (gal) though. We had good times yes and we went through some trying times as well but no matter how hard I fought for our relationship to flourish she'd find some way to put me down even when I tried to lift her up. I'm absolutely not a perfect person and know that no one is or will ever be. However I do know after this crazy ass relationship I am worth so much more than what I was settling for. I'm happy back home taking care of my mom and with family now building myself back up now. I was homeless due to my ex and her family and though its been one of the worst situations I've been in so far in life. I didn't succumb to the drugs out there and I found my way off the streets before I reached out to my family. My family loves me unconditionally and they told me I could have gotten in touch with them sooner that they would not have let me ever be homeless and go through the insane things I experienced out there alone. I'm stronger because of it all somehow I just wished I didn't take 7 years of my life away and lose my true self to this self absorbed narcissistic hateful non empathetic person I was so in love with and wanted so badly to see only the good in her. I started researching about these types of things I believe about a year before our relationship was coming to a complete end. I was used abused emotionally spiritually and never could understand why someone you thought loved you just as much you do them could be so bad towards you. Once I fought back and spoke up for myself and I then came across as disrespectful..I liar. A cheater..I was also always being accused of stealing things in the house like food or even as stupid as a cake pan bundt cake pan to be exact lol which in God's honest truth I did no such things. I mean their granddaughter would take foods from them for us sometimes but I was not forcing her or anything like that but things that we actually bought would sometimes come up missing but I never blatantly came out and accused them of taking my food from our mouths. Funny part was the grandmother always said if you need anything ask. Well we did sometimes and pretty much everytime it was such a big deal like it was a heinous crime to as for an egg or some sugar etc until we can get some more ourselves. Sometimes I couldn't even buy what we needed because the grandparents food overtook the space. Sorry I went on a rampage. Point is I was never enough point blank period she never fully loved me and also let family get in between us as well. Again yes it still hurts though I finally broke it off in the end of 2019. I don't fully blame her for us not working out but I must say I certainly didn't deserve a lot of what I went through. I had the idea that this type of living was just how it is..how life goes but I know so much more now than I did before. I know number one if you are in a relationship don't give all of your money completely to use on everything as both partners should have some money to their own as it only creates more problems as long as you are both honest and fair to each other because in not doing this when I got thrown out in our car I had little to no money to help myself. I was still working in a call center as I do know to work for my money but living in a car you own with a partner or ex partner is not easy when you are still expected to be at their beck and call at all times. While trying to find places safe to park with living in your vehicle is not easy as by law you don't have very many safe places to go and stay daily. Then wasting gas..not getting clean like you want and need trying to make sure you can eat too. I eventually didn't have my job anymore car got ran down because I trusted other people like myself to have my back while I had theirs like food for few tho I struggled to have enough for myself I almost died twice. I had contracted cellulitis and went to the hospital one day during work with sepsis alert stayed in the hospital almost a week that was heaven compared to my car I wished I could have stayed longer. I trusted people way too much so much i almost died from some older dude I was friends with for a couple months out there in the streets. Beat me up one night till I fought back the best I knew how or could. It was a terrifying experience. I ended up leaving my tent after reporting that guy and started staying by a church that let me do so with a couple people that actually were good people that stuck by my side while I applied for a job that came to me from another homeless person. I got the job and ended up on a crazy journey working one fair job to the next my last job was with a carnival group. I'm grateful for the experiences despite the horror I've endured it's made me wake up and see me again for once. I'm learning to enjoy my time to myself and be content with me. Most probably won't read this but if you have thank you all for listening I'm ramble a lot especially when I feel how others feel in what we all go through I've also lost family members and a few fur babies in all time. I'm so so grateful I'm with my mom and family again. I'm in the right place now. Again thank you for listening and hope it helps someone as well. I hope I also make sense 🤦♀️
Haha - really??
Wow. From outside it is so hilarious and at the same time evokes compassion for him in me.
But I know when we are in the fog we often either do not see the obvious, don´t see it clearly, don´t want to see it or cannot emotionally detach.
"My Way or the Highway" were my first husbands favorite words. What an a-hole he was. Not sure how my oldest son ever worked it out but he is an upstanding person. My other son died of an overdose
Provoke provoke provoke. Lying to me, swearing at me, and breaking any of my possessions that had great sentimental value, back stabbing, cold shouldering........then when I object to this, I'm told I LOVE drama! I am SSSOOO dramatic!!! He criticized my reaction and never looked at the provocation.
@@d.o.9837 I marvel at how strong you must really be, to get through even a fraction of this! All of this scrambles your brain! It’s not that you wanted to be co- dependent. It is insidious, as sneaky as it can be! It’s a slow grooming until you don’t recognize yourself! It will take time! You will get there!
@BLZiTA 508 So true! They are the star of their own play! There is no room for anyone else to play the part! So delusional!
@@d.o.9837 Sounds like a depression. Not always with suicidal ideation. Making any change can be tiring with depression. Important not to feel guilty, you are just not ready yet. Change it will, grab the opportunity when it arrives. You'll be ready for it when you are ready. Rest is good for the mind and body - and also for lack of motivation. A store of unused energy is a useful resource when a new direction hove into view...
I can relate to this!!!
@@caliopeknows844 I did leave, but took me a long time before I understood the significance of the breakage. It was only things I brought IN to the marriage (my former life) It was only irreplaceable sentimental value items. And usually things given to me by someone (often now deceased). The breakage occurred when I was out of the room so I never actually saw what happened, and the actual occurrence of how it happened was fabricated (once I got 3 different stories for same event). Counsellor at womens shelter called it psychopathic.
You help me sooo much! Because I can’t talk about it to anyone. Thank you for opening my eyes.🌸
Thank you 🙏🏾 I really appreciate it I’m going insane everybody around me seems to try to help me and I reject it and I am haveing hard time letting go ad the broke up from me and from my mess up and statements of tats not my problem
28 years ago I started my life over again--when I got my divorce. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for giving me the courage to build myself up again. Life is an adventure. I enjoy each day of really being alive.
This was one of the most valuable of Lisa’s lessons for me. Hit the nail on the head. Like a dog on the trail they have to throw you off track because they have no intention of addressing the issue in a productive way, that would require accepting responsibility for inappropriate behaviors, behaviors they chose not to give up because it serves their immature selfish needs.
Riiiight....that's exactly what was going on because when I did have the nerve to ask him about something that was bothering me (he was secretive alot, like because he a man I don't get to question anything 🙄) now that I think back to the answers of those questions 🤔 I can't recall the answer just us arguing back and forth he always gets loud and standoffish first and then I lose it 🤦🏽♀️ I try to be mature for a while but he just takes u there and u just don't know what to do but get down on his level 🤦🏽♀️ I didn't like doing that I always felt bad after for participating so I finally left him after 16 years together 😒
This women has literally opened a lock in my head for 18 years trapped thank U!!!!
Over the last year of our 6 years together he has gone as far as flat out saying that my complaints are "nothing but made up scenarios in my messed up world that exists only in my own crazy head"
He was talking about his OWN SELF...
1💞
Time to go.....
An old man.69yrs.old these days. Managed to dam near by a thread! Out to destroy my life! All because of my former so called friend and step in father, as he never reached success! Fosho! For alot of years! 16yrs. !!!! That individual Managed to cause MUCH. As well as my own family! Upon that said. End of story. They are ALL cut off! I got God on my side! Amen!
Amazing how we fall for that too. ... just as if it were actually true. Cool, calm, stealth planning makes the escape so much easier. Do not tell anyone your plans. Get credit cards in your own name. You will need them when you are gone. check out storage companies. Find out how much a moving truck costs. Start a new bank account in a different bank. Arrange your personal items so they are easily and quickly moved out by pros. "that stack, that shelf, that closet, this bedroom". Get the boxes packed and in the truck yourself or get help from private friends, NOT joint friends. Tell the movers who are doing the actual move that you are leaving a dangerous situation and have to be GONE by X:30, not a second after. If you cannot drive away before X:30, leave the rest. its only stuff.
@@onewearycatfromtexas2066 He's always as close as atom to atom.
You are sooo awesome! you just described the last 4 years of my life in a very brightly Gas-Lit relationship. Your words help me let it go, knowing I did my best... and it's not my fault. ;) Thank You for spreading the TRUE light!!!
I was wrong for twelve years, everything was my fault, I was never good enough, he always chose hanging out with friends over his wife and child. So listening to these brings back pain. Have to focus on myself now.
Mine had so many hobbies. Karate, computers, motorcycles, any old thing that interested him. When my kids and I weren't interested it was "you're never interested in my hobbies, we always have to do what you want to do. " Can't believed we survived it all. 20 years free of it but I still hear his voice doubting me. It's like having your own personal demon.
Kay...yep.
Thank you Lisa.
You are changing our families life❤
That's exactly what happened to me. If your someone's friend, support THEM! Not the abuser. But the narcist is in the power seat, so the victim is only further victimized. These abusers break people, permanently.
I feel the abuser will never change, why would they when they know everything? We on the other hand have a greater chance of healing, because we are trying to learn a new way to live, with out pain, with out chaos, onto a life of peace and hope.
We may be wounded & scared...But it isn't permanent, because we are alive & we can learn new things. Lisa is teaching us & giving us tools, to help us, dig out of the pit. One day at a time, one moment at a time. I know that it's hard.
This is spot on. My family members are always gaslighting me and telling me straight up how I feel and what I think. It’s a nightmare.
Holy Sh!t! My reality has finally been confirmed based on what you have just explained and gave me total clarity of the last decade of my life! Wow! You have made me feel like I've lifted a ton of bricks of my chest! Thank You So Much for walking me through this turmoil and chaos I'm having to deal with over all these years..Now I need to figure out what to do starting now..I've already started to disengage myself and to stop giving in. I've finally found the courage to put my foot down and say what I needed to say. Time is of the essence and I hope the outcome is what I manifested over and over again!
Or “you’re over sensitive”, “I didn’t say or do that” or say you did something that you know you didn’t do (so you question your reality or memory). Or they argue about semantics, that whatever words you used don’t mean what they mean. They mean something else to the narcissist so you miscommunicated. Or they change the subject.
He used to say “ It wasn’t my intention to hurt you” or You deserve so much better”! Such BS!
My mother used to say your father "raped" you (I am male) and she would only say this when other people were around she would also only have the police present on visiting changes if he showed up yet I am 40 now and I still can't understand why and how the only time I was raped was when I was 15 living in a motel with my mother and yet it was my fault!!!
Been there with alot of ppl (mom, aunt's, 2 ex wife's). Yes with that being said I did self reflect and researched how to be a better Son, Nephew and husband!!! That is when I found Sam Vaknin, Richard Branson, Mrs. Romano among others that instructed me that it's not me it's not them it's what I accept!!!!
Omg yes!!! What a mind F**@. My b.f. did the same thing......and would do the same thing again if the situation arose its a way to make you feel guilt/shame and have that dissonance...thinking 'oh they're not SO bad...look he realizes he has done wrong by me"..... nope. Its just a manipulation tactic to get you back 'in your place'.
@@pegasusgenesis360 So very manipulative! Really messed with my thinking!
Ah. That was my narcs fave. "I don't deserve you", "you deserve better than me". I finally realised that was the only time he was actually telling the truth so I believed him & left.
You have described my mother & my husband to a tee. I married my mother. My mother & my husband are narcissists. When I realized it everything came into focus. Thanks for this video
Hey...me too! I've gone NC w my mother and divorced my husband. Was a long time coming. Hope you're doing okay. ❤️
I’m with a truly malevolent narcissist sociopath! I have/am suffering cruel, inhumane, and sadistic punishments and there is so much to my story. I’m am truly sick and not functioning very well 4 yrs! Too much to tell! Thank you for these videos. To give alil faith and hope
Wilde..
He kept saying I was depressed. I was in the end because of him and after. Now I'm healing and recovering.
This is how I know I’m not the narcissist in my family. My needs or what’s important to me does not exist. I’m literally just there. I also blame myself for allowing it to go on so long. My mind did and still sometimes feels like mash potatoes where nothing makes sense to the point where I don’t even understand my own feelings or trust my thoughts. That can’t be normal.
Everything you said I can relate to.
I think that is why I feel so drained and tired. Tired of trying to understand what just didn’t make sense- just tired-very tired - and very reluctant to become entangled again- I am even not going to church!
@@d.o.9837 Church today is not what it use to be. But i would suggest spending alone time with God and reading scripture. I got more help for healing from that than i did anywhere else. I've been more mentally and emotionally healthier ever since to the point i dont worry as much as i use to where as two years ago this bad family relationship really damn near gave me a mental breakdown. scripture gave me sanity and fixed my direction in life. not to sound preachy but if it helps why not right.
Coupled with birthing our children and all of that learning about all of that- or even without-the feeling of the loss of yourself- your mind, preferences...even personal style- like a tire with the air out of it...Jessica- you are precious and valuable- what you wrote took me back. I am a widow now and alone too much- but now I am thankful for many small and large things. Thank you. You will find your path.
@@jessicamiller746 absolutely.
You hit the nail nail on the head a thousand times.
Thank you for all you do. I’m getting my confidence of holding my own when all the manipulation tactics are thrown at me. I’m working on breaking free from the circus 🎪
I’m back in the place of making him realize that he is responsible for his own emotions and to not blame shift and word salad 🥗 onto me and the kids. I appreciate the education have given me.
This is why my channel exists, because if one other person can identify with my stories and can become aware and get out of a crisis relationship, then it’s completely worth it to put myself out there like I do. Thank you for your advice and knowledge.
Ive been a listener for a long time...but this one was the most "TRIGGERING" for me. 15 years of walking on egg shells with him and putting him before the kids. Im sharing this one with my daughter and we're listening together. We're finally physically free and on our third restraining order but the night terrors are daily still three years later. When do they stop?
are they really a narcissist if they have empathy for their children and blood family but treat their wife and stepdaughter this way ??
Our family inside joke was that I was “always wrong”, according to my dad. My husband does the same thing to me. I’ve learned not to react from emotions and he hates it.
Same here. Growing up I was always wrong and in this marriage he believes I am always wrong. But I don’t think that about myself.
@@Elizabeth-tb5oh it’s their insecurities, not you. I hope you are able to be around realistic positive people who see you💖
Yeah he hates it because u aren’t giving him supply. Grey rock that ass
Why oh why do we end up with a man that turns out to be a younger version of our fathers!?
I love my dad but he always treated my mom like she was dumber than a box of rocks and couldn't do a damn thing right Ever. And wouldn't you know my partner that I've been with for 20yrs next Aug. & have been friends with since 7th grade And have a 11yr old daughter with, is so much like my dad it's ridiculous and he's listening to this video right now while I'm watching it and I'm dying! Thank you
I was always wrong in my family too. My sister cements that. She says some of these things exactly. She says not everything is about to and that never happened. When I can prove that it did. Whe I confront her she says I know you like to argue I’m not doing it.
Wow! Thank you so much! I am 60 years old and just now woke up after a whole life of abandonment, betrayal and trauma and a list of narcissistic in
My life . Wow I need this
Thank you for the consistent support and advice Lisa. You're invaluable!
Within 10 minutes of this video beginning I'm in tears driving down the road... this is my life. This is my spouse.
So grateful for these videos. Lisa nails all the traits of the narcissist. I'm currently being punished with 100% silence and ignoring. He's completely disappeared. It's like I never even existed. Very painful and hard to understand. Everything Lisa said about you thinking you're crazy is right on point.
Change your perspective on this matter. You are being spared from dealing with their daily trauma and BS. Receive this as a gift of freedom to let go of this toxic person and move on to a better life. Quit wanting to be with this person who is so willing to hurt you. You are not being punished, but being blessed that they are not in your life anymore.
@@mstarr67 Thank you. I hope I can/will at some point. As I don't have a dial or switch to just turn-off being madly in love and committed one day to thinking I must have completely imagined this person and a relationship (promises, commitment, shared experiences etc), I feel pretty hopeless, crazy and stuck in s&it at this moment. I guess it must be shock.
@t redd. I think it is an unhealthy addiction. You are attracted to what you want them to be, but not what they are. Someone who can treat you that way, doesn’t deserve your love and devotion. You need to love and value yourself, make yourself a priority and know that you deserve better!!! Being alone is better than being with some one who devalues you and discards you. It will later be a challenge and an ego boost for them if they can Hoover you back in when they want you again for narcissistic supply.
Ugh silent testament is horrible
For them and their world we never existed
Hope people apply this knowledge to today's government and media...🤔
I feel like the phrase "I can never make you happy" when I try to bring up an issue is a gaslighting phrase?
To me that is gaslighting! Becuz now the issue is not what you brought up but he’s made the issue about never making you happy! I hope I’m explaining this right!
Yes this is a form of gaslighting. It’s similar to bringing up a simple issue and being told “you deserve so much better”.
Anything that denies reality or tries to make you believe a different reality is gaslighting. Lying, in my view, is a form of gaslighting.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy rule #1 :"Nobody can make you feel anything." You have to choose to be happy, nobody is going to 'make' you happy, ever.
Do you ever tell him you are happy with him and he is good enough? In HIS language? It may be he's telling the truth.
Congratulations on being the #1 Most Influential Person of 2020. You deserve it and so much more. You have helped me. Thank you.
The exact words “this ain’t about you”
I have been there. That little codependent girl died. Serious grieving had to happen. I am making my way up again into a better life. And you, dear Lisa, have been extremely helpful in this very difficult time of my life. Thank you so much. God bless you! May you have a brighter and brighter future together with your kids. May your children get out of this drama healthy and strong. 🙏🧚♀️
I literally hear every phrase you have touched on! WOW
"Healthy people know they have issues." Very true!
We love Lisa and how she is helping people. I have learned so much- and only hope I can afford her program some day, so I can get out for good. I have watched every video, and even read (on Audible) her books. And have watched every video DR. Ramani has put out and read (on audible) BOTH of her books- BUT I think I need her course. Why? Because like Lisa has said many times before- just watching the videos, or being part of a support group, won't fully heal you. I can attest to that. From watching the videos and reading the books, I have made improvements in my life (minor) but I am getting sick (minor things,) but I KNOW it's my body telling me this situation no longer serves me and is actually dangerous for my health. My soul and mind are not in alignment. My soul wants me to be me...to be free...my mind suffers from cognitive dissonance and I have some minor trauma bonding I cannot seem to get over on my own. I hope to afford her course at some point...so I can get out and be me again, and be free to not be under the control of the one who wears many masks- the narcissist. Thank you for all that you do Lisa!!
When it is time to change your situation- I found that God or the universe met me far more than halfway...what was an insurmountable mountain for me in the blink of an eye became a reality! Sometimes you can be handed “a very small key that opens a very heavy door” living on the other side of that door- there’s the rub- living a free, healthy and happy life- that is the real challenge
I am on pause right there
I’m stuck in the isolation phase, which is not good when you don’t go out to work . I’m safe here alone. My mom sisters adult children and two exes narcs . Thank you for your videos, Lisa . I appreciate the validation a lot .
Kim, you are one of us! We all must unite and stand up against our narc abusers.
They love when they are successful in their meanness! Total creeps!
I never heard of the isolation phase.
There is nothing wrong with spending time in solitude. On the contrary...this is the time that you have to look deeply into yourself, determine what matters most to you, set up new goals, imagine a new future, and ultimately, set a new path for the future! There is a reason that all spiritual leaders, and many religions, strongly advocate time spent in solitude. This is where you can see your soul, and understand what your life is about. Revel in it!
Charging time 🙏⚡🌸
And I’m sure suicide actually becomes an option from a victim trapped with a narcissist, that is how intense the emotional abuse can become
I lived 8 years with a Narcissist. I held on to my sanity, I NEVER want to experience that again. I have nightmares, and building my self esteem. UNBELIEVABLE!
I started to worry, when I heard that asking, "Why do you always make things about you?" is a gaslighting phrase. I know it is, when it is used by a narcissist to distract from their bad behaviour, but I have also experienced a narcissist who does exactly that - makes everything about them. This made me wonder, if I was possibly being narcissistic, as I asked why he was making that situation all about him, when it actually wasn't. I sometimes feel that I'm sinking under the weight of phrases; who says them, who shouldn't say them and I worry that I'm missing all the signals that are pointing to me, saying that it's actually me who is the narcissist. I literally have difficulty seeing the wood for the trees. For that reason, I found it helpful when you advised people to stop and think about the situation and what was said, in order to assess it properly and honestly, before passing judgment on yourself or anyone else. :)
"Why do you always make things about you?" is a gaslighting phrase sometimes, but other times it is a genuine question. It sounds like you realized you said it in an argumentative way? That's awesome insight! We all say things and we all learn from them and I think the best time in healthy relationships are the moment after the fight has dissolved and both people are humble and reassuring and so much good talk and understanding can come of that.
If you're trying to improve your communication skills, you could try to avoid saying 'always' or 'never' because that can trigger defensiveness or anger in the other person. Stay present in the moment and use specific examples to back up what you mean (ex: if they interrupt you and change the topic from how you feel to how they feel before you have had a chance to finish talking or feel heard).
I was thinking this exactly. My narcissistic husband literally almost always makes everything about him. I am no longer a doormat to his gaslighting and stand up for myself. So I as well use the phrase it's always all about you, when I've just heard too much. Of course it does no good, and it's turned right back around on me, but it does make me feel better to point it out. I guess I still hold hope that someday he'll get it... It can all be so confusing!
Thank God it was only 5 mos before I saw the light. I discovered and was happy to see my personal growth by recognizing his MO sooner than later, and I cut him off immediately.
Hi , just walked away from a relationship like this , I had to tell this person that I'm tired of this kind of treatment ! I was always made to as if I was not important of in constant rejection , and always feeling in the wrong ! The pain was too much ! So thank you !
Lisa I congratulate you because you are absolutely right, the narcissist is our teacher to wake up from sleep or lift the veil of unconsciousness, you have a degree of wisdom that has cost you because you have worked on yourself ..... listening to you and other therapists I am on the way to wake up ... as you say it is through the knowledge of these issues and people like you who share their knowledge and experience .... I am eternally grateful to you .. Namaste, God bless you
This is Brilliant, Lisa. TV and Movies are flooded with Narcissistic and Toxic behavior on top of Cognitive Dissonance and the Trauma Bond, and what this community needs is this identification and breakdown of narcissistic behavior. I love how you break down how these phrases can be used in both a healthy and toxic way, and that we need to be aware of how and when Narcs are using these phrases to control us. Thank You!
Ì am 57 and dated a narcissist for 8 years. I was stonewalled, he was aloof, never ever moved forward in our relationship. I bought your 21 day inner child healing journal and it opened my brain. Unlocked all the sick narratives that I had of myself. How I attract narcissists in my life. Every relationship marriage I was with a narcissist I sincerely want to thank you for putting these videos out there. I want to do your twelve week course when I have the money to do it. 21 day journal literally opened my eyes and really changed me. I have self love for the very first time in my life. Thank you Lisa for doing all you do. I am sending you hugs with a lot of gratitude!!
This is my mom and sisters. I just never knew it, but have been told every single one of these phrases. I was raised to be the apologizer, told, "It doesn't matter what they did, you know how they are. Just be the bigger person and apologize. That only made them feel like their bad behavior was my fault. It feels great to see that it's not all me.
The phrase I heard the most was” you only want to control me”...He reversed it...He tried to control me with gaslighting and lies and deception...
It’s quite beautiful that you choose to use your time and energy to help those of us further back on this trail
Thank you from the deepest places of my consciousness
I have literally heard all of these from my narc. This video is so enlightening and I’m so grateful for it!
A month into dating my ex, I told her. "You really like to keep me guessing. I walk around wondering WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON " She laughed.
I think it confirmed to her she was tearing me down.
I have only listened to you about three times and in the last three years I have listened to hours of information on narcissism. However, in all those hours of info, I didn't really get answers about me and how I could heal and change my perception. Your insight and personal journey has been so helpful. Also, beside my sister, I never heard anybody talk about being made wrong. When I sought validation from others because I was so destroyed by my husband, now ex for 20 years, I was made to feel like I was just self centered. As I listened to this talk, I felt a comfort and healing balm surround my heart. People who have not been in a marriage to a narcissist, have no idea. Thank you so much. Be blessed!
"Namaste & Walk Away" good title for your next book! Thank you for this video. So much good info to reflect upon & be on the lookout for. God bless you as you continue to be a light in this dark & hurting world.
I had a guy do this to me and then convince an entire county that I was the crazy abusive one. I still wake up screaming at night from what he did to me.
Amazing how they control our minds with their manipulation. It has truly broke my heart what’s happened to our family because of one narcissist.
God was with you then and He is with you now. May you find peace in knowing that God knows exactly who the nut job is and will deal with him. As for you, He wants to heal your heart and for you to know He never believed that guy.
I identify myself with so much of what you said! Thank you for showing that we're not alone, we can be a force to reckon with when we become aware. 🔆
How does this video not have millions of views? This is one of the best explanations on the subject I have ever heard. ❤️
I always described my relationship with my mother as "if I go seeking comfort, I should know to expect open arms followed by a swift kick in the chest." I thought maybe I had misunderstood her after I had my daughter, because I finally knew what a mother's love was- so surely I was mistaken, and I tried again to build a relationship. When I saw how toxic everything was, I made the mistake of speaking out loud that I wouldn't tolerate the abuse in my or my child's life and was cutting off contact. She responded with 15 bogus calls to cps and a custody suit. I'm now fighting to keep my child.A true Narcissist will hit where it hurts, regardless of truth or even collateral damage.
Yes, my siblings and son were turned against me and believe I'm crazy. They have no idea what I went through... No contact!!!
I feel paralyzed emotionally & have reached a point the pull, the chaos, the disconnect & my own part in feeling so bad for his loneliness & how he could end up this way & realize the little occasional goodness he shows is always temporary & never changes. I know in order from my ending up being destroyed if I remain, I need to save myself. I ran across a book titled “When Loving You Is Killing Me” - I can relate!
I love listening to your videos. You have helped me make sense of a very strange dynamic that I had no idea even existed. Knowledge is power but the pain is still very real.
Look at all the gaslighting going on in the world today! I enjoy your lessons!
I developed agoraphobia due to my narcissistic mother. Trying to undo all this damage AND living with her is so damn hard. Thank you for this.
So glad you figured it out. How long did it take you to think her actions weren’t normal?
@@kathynelson3903 my early to mid twenties. Sadly. Shes REALLY good at what she does sadly. Ive been in numerous psych wards. The only thing wrong with me was her
@@Yinyangmystic I TOTALLY understand how it takes forever to figure out what the heck is happening. Us normal ones trust ppl way too much and want to give everyone another chance. Forgiving them always, at least till we figure it out. Praying all the best for you, Mindy!
I’m sorry.
🤦🏼♀️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
This video is by far the best walkthrough of ANY narcissistic relationship dynamic. Outstanding personal testimony and description. Saving and sharing with many that this will help! Thanks so much
Hey thank you Rick!
Here is something else, not being able to give a genuine apology. They’ll say I know I know, or I’m sorry you feel that way! Ask them why they are sorry for how I feel! 🤨
Thank you! I was married to a covert narcissist and all these phrases were used against me. Divorcing him was a long drawn out struggle. I didn’t realize it! Glad I am on the other side!
Thanks Lisa. You're like the mother I wish I had. I've listened to this 3 times and it everything you said is so true. So true. Thank you for speaking up for so many people with such small voices.
I appreciate how you break down everything that I have ever experienced in life with a narcissist. Thank you for your ability to talk to us and not at us.
I can't describe in words how valuable the work you do to me. So frank, clear, well-phrased, deep and accurate observations and understandings. I find myself in your words and what you share and only by that do I receive so much understanding. Thank you so so much!!
my narcissist love bombed my son all the time for years and he really thought that my son should choose him over me once we separated. My son who is now an adult told me "even as a kid something was always off with him, even when he was giving me everything". He actually turned on my son and said things to him that my son will not share with me, but he blocked him on every platform. We share two (2) daughters and my youngest (19) has no contact with him because she said dealing with him disturbs her peace. My oldest (22) went to therapy 3 years ago because she thought I was her problem. Once she got into therapy the therapist told her "your dad is a narcissist". She actually discovered that he was the source of her mental unrest. She was diagnosed with BPD. While she knows who he is, she still craves his acceptance. Her interaction with him is limited, but she continues interact. He has turned on him on so many occasions with name calling, etc. I carry guilt feeling like I stayed too long and it impacted my children.
Letting go of my end of the relationship has more caveats than I initially expected. After my cognitive dissonance cleared, and the amount of glory I was still extending to the narc in my head was almost infinite. I began reexamining every friend of a friend, contact, "synchronicities " and somehow stopped in my tracks. I'll go down this road initially for a while emotionally, but because of a channel like this I'm headed in the right direction.
A ton of bricks just fell on me. I've realized, just now, I'm in love with a man I HAVE to let go of =((((( How did I allow this to happen? I feel physicall
y ill :/
Yes. I can relate to that. It’s a tough time. Keep believing in you, no matter what.
The day you realize it is so mind blowing, but is the first page of your new chapter. Wishing you the best as you work your way out 💕
Just go to the bathroom & throw up, You will feel better & free!
I've never heard of a narcissist until she called me 1, I think they do that at the end of the relationship so u look it up and see what u have been dealing with,I found out that she had been doing this on purpose to hurt me,now I'm getten myself back on my feet,u hurt me I'll hurt u worse,I'm not the kinda guy she should have hurt ,my advice let things cool down,then go get ur get back
Narcissist people and gaslighting is not isolated to just Intimate relationships. I grew up being treated the way you described with a narcissistic toxic mother and siblings. The only way to get through it and heal/recovery is just to cut them off and to never have contact with them again. Even family YES!!!
Makes me so sad. Waking up is painful.
You feel like an ass.
It takes time to recover. I personally focused on my relationship with Christ Jesus. They did Him the same way and even worse. It was a blessing to be out of that lying relationship with an abuser. Narcissist is a nice name for people full of demons. Consider yourself blessed. Now you are out of the grip of darkness.
@@wonderlady1422 so true
It gets easier. Be kind to yourself 🙏
Hey it’s better late than never. Just remember NOW you can focus your energy of being free rather than on a futile endeavour.
Yes and a fool. People who knew think it's hilarious because they are narcs themselves. I will get better and recover from it all in time. He will forever be a wretched liar and hate himself. No cure for narcs!
YES!!!!!!!!!! At end of minute 5 I'm yelling YES this happened to me. Yes . Thank You for sharing this.
My sister plays word games to the degree I feel she gets a thrill out of it. I have come to the conclusion why am I the one always apologizing and I haven't done anything. A light went off in my head yesterday and NO MORE controlling and belittling!!!! I went back to my training as a CC and not all foolishness need my attention or time, honey am getting busy living my life for ME!!!!!😀👏🏾👏🏾
I don't ever want any kind of relationship. I refuse to trust human beings. Too many alcoholics, drug addicts, computer addicts,etc. Many abusive people especially since I became disabled