What about the fear of you yourself wanting to leave? I'm trying to fall back in to commitment, but then I get fearful that maybe my feelings aren't strong enough and that down the line I'll end up severely hurting my partner.
About the fact alone time is very normal and healthy (which it is), a fear that came up to me is "what if my fear brain makes me want a lot of alone time as a way to distance myself from my future lover? what if my need for alone time is too present? what if i need loooong sessions of alone time?" and it scares me because i don't want to *need* distance out of fear, but out of loving myself and him as well. It especially scares me because i'm extremely comfortable being alone (because that's how i felt my whole life), and i'm scared that i might be so used to it , to going through everything on my own, that being with someone feels too invading, "too much"...and i don't want to think that of my partner...
Wow I feel the exact same way as you - I’m so comfortable being alone. Way more comfortable. I guess the only reason why I still pursue my relationship is because I can feel fear come up when I do feel like I want to be around people. That’s how I know that being alone isn’t the answer completely for me. Just alone time sometimes.
Yes, 100%! Longing (physical attraction) for someone is hard when you are actually scared to come to close. A fearful avoidant attachment style means you are, in a way, scared of the source of love and connection, which is why it so confusing! Even when you rationally know that this relationship is completely safe, your fearbrain is triggered by the connection. Feeling attracted to someone doesn't feel safe then. Does that make sense?
Can you make a video on when you actually know youre meant to leave. Like sometimes i want it to be true that i WANT to stay But i keep repeating rhe same cycle and coming to the same conclusion that "i dont see this going anywhere" even though i really care about the person:(
I'm watching these videos bcs I want to understand my FA partner and help them... I'm trying hard to understand and get confused even more... I do understand that their mind is confusing and that. But still... they doubt if secure partner loves them, but with dismissive one this problem doesn't bother them anymore.
I can totally understand it's not easy to deal with it. I have made a video about how to be a supportive partner for a FA. Hope that can help! th-cam.com/video/4h3cby1SgOA/w-d-xo.html
What about the fear of you yourself wanting to leave? I'm trying to fall back in to commitment, but then I get fearful that maybe my feelings aren't strong enough and that down the line I'll end up severely hurting my partner.
She talks about this quite a lot in some other videos (sorry can't remember which ones)
This is exaaactly why I historically only fell for Dismissives. Love listening to you 💐
So glad I found your channel!! It helps me to heal. Sending love from Thailand 🙏🏾
So happy you are here!
About the fact alone time is very normal and healthy (which it is), a fear that came up to me is "what if my fear brain makes me want a lot of alone time as a way to distance myself from my future lover? what if my need for alone time is too present? what if i need loooong sessions of alone time?" and it scares me because i don't want to *need* distance out of fear, but out of loving myself and him as well. It especially scares me because i'm extremely comfortable being alone (because that's how i felt my whole life), and i'm scared that i might be so used to it , to going through everything on my own, that being with someone feels too invading, "too much"...and i don't want to think that of my partner...
I so relate to what you’ve said. I hope Paulien will chime in on your (and my) concerns.
Wow I feel the exact same way as you - I’m so comfortable being alone. Way more comfortable. I guess the only reason why I still pursue my relationship is because I can feel fear come up when I do feel like I want to be around people. That’s how I know that being alone isn’t the answer completely for me. Just alone time sometimes.
I am like y .. very comfortable in being alone ..
Your videos are very insightful and eye opener for me..thanks pauline
Would this include really liking someone emotionally but not feeling a physical attraction? Could that be a fear-based response too?
Yes, 100%! Longing (physical attraction) for someone is hard when you are actually scared to come to close. A fearful avoidant attachment style means you are, in a way, scared of the source of love and connection, which is why it so confusing! Even when you rationally know that this relationship is completely safe, your fearbrain is triggered by the connection. Feeling attracted to someone doesn't feel safe then. Does that make sense?
I see how this could be a fear-based reaction, but there will also be situations where it‘s just the truth right? How could we discern these?
Can you make a video on when you actually know youre meant to leave. Like sometimes i want it to be true that i WANT to stay
But i keep repeating rhe same cycle and coming to the same conclusion that "i dont see this going anywhere" even though i really care about the person:(
Is no contact rule is good in Fa people
I'm watching these videos bcs I want to understand my FA partner and help them... I'm trying hard to understand and get confused even more... I do understand that their mind is confusing and that. But still... they doubt if secure partner loves them, but with dismissive one this problem doesn't bother them anymore.
I can totally understand it's not easy to deal with it. I have made a video about how to be a supportive partner for a FA. Hope that can help!
th-cam.com/video/4h3cby1SgOA/w-d-xo.html