Pauline has so many good points here. To those of you who want to break up: I struggled with relationship anxiety for 2-3 months, was doing therapy, reading books, but still, my anxiety was so strong that I could not bear it anymore, like my body was collapsing so I did break up. I broke the guy's heart as I told him out of the blue and I kept my struggles hidden during the relationship so he wasn't even aware what was going on. I asked for no contact to calm my head after the break up. Do you think it went away? No. I broke up and felt relief for 2-3 days, but months after that I was/am still in my head still thinking about that relationship, having the same doubts and thoughts like when I was in the relationship, why? Well because obviously because the relationship mattered to me.
Excatley what I always went trough every single relationship in my life. After this classes from Pauline it got better. But I had even massive anxiety even before the first date.
@@bluexpressov2I did, the first time 6 months after a break up and...zoom in on my embarrassed-to-admit face - when I found out I will be moving to the other side of the world.🤡 Initially, right when we broke up I told him not to contact me for a month at least and he respected that. After that we would be occasionally in touch when wishing each other happy birthday etc. He ocasionally hinted that he would like to see me, but I would dismiss that stating that I can't see him casually because I probably had some feelings for him. So when I found out that I'd be leaving, the feelings came back that week and I invited him to say goodbye... We discussed giving it another try after I come back (1 year later). That time passed and I contacted him saying I would like to see him. He said he would like it to, I start asking myself "Why did I do that?" "What good's this gonna bring?" "I'm still not sure I want to be with him". My mind's hell 🥴
WOW this is my life the past 3+ years with my FA we (well she) broke up 4 times, and each time she said " I dont want to hurt you any more" I was like??? you aren't hurting me, until you break up with me!... I have never felt closer to anyone, never been so happy. But she thinks its too much, to scary and runs such a waste of Love, real Love
My FA broke up with me saying he was only hurting me...he was saying almost every day how much he cared for me the month before, than he got triggered too much and left after a stupid small conflict
It’s so sad to hear how my immense fear brain has caused destruction to my relationships. I’m so saddened by it as I don’t come upon someone easily that I’m attracted to and want relationship.
this video is exactly what I needed. I am almost constantly thinking about breaking up... almost every tought you listed holds true for me and I thought I was alone with that. I am relieved that this is not the case. And it just makes more sense to me. Thank you a lot for making this video.
My ex broke up with me 2 months ago but she doesn’t know she’s FA. She seems to have deactivated hard against me, and even vilified me somewhat. Is it even worth trying to reach out to her? I feel that she broke up with me due to the reasons you described. We had been together for 5 years, and she was telling me all these reasons why she was afraid that we would have regrets and get divorced (she knew I was planning to propose that year, she had already been happily telling people about it for a while). At the time I didn’t know anything about attachment theory, so I kept questioning her about her feelings, trying to find compromises or solutions but I think I overwhelmed her. She pushed away which made me anxious, I tried to pull her closer until she completely shut down on me. Over the past 6 weeks I’ve learned so much about attachment theory and fearful avoidants, I feel that we could make it work and reconcile, but I don’t know if she’s even capable of feeling anything for me anymore. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
My partner and I have had a lot of fights and making up. I hate being like this. One day I am all in and the next I start worrying what if he’s not the one. I mean because we’ve had so many fights doesn’t that mean that we’re not meant to be. We’re incompatible when it comes to a lot of things, shouldn’t I try to find someone where we are more compatible. But then I think he’s someone that genuinely loves me and I trust that love but I just can’t allow myself to love him or commit to him because I’m worried what if he’s not the one. I’m so anxious over this relationship all the time and everyone tells me that’s a bad sign but now I realize it’s my fear brain and that’s the problem. The truth is I don’t want to leave him I want to make it work, but I just keep wishing if he was different in this or different in that that would make me feel safer but is that too much to wish for. This is my first relationship so it’s even harder to tell what’s good and what’s bad I don’t trust my brain.
She broke up with me for all those reasons which have nothing to do with me but she was bipolar and had deep childhood trauma so that was a huge factor!
Hello Paulien, thank you so much for this video, and also for all your videos. You are a very helpful person with great knowledge and i love how calm and nice you are everytime. I dont think there is better material on healing and dealing with negative thougts as a FA than your videos. I hope you are well, and again, thank you
Hello Pauline ~ I just discovered your channel and it is very helpful. Could you suggest a place to find tapping videos to heal disorganized attachment? I’ve looked but only see a few. Or please do more tapping videos yourself - the ones you have on your channel are incredibly powerful. I sob through them, tears streaming down my face. Thank you for helping us heal.
I seriously thank you for this channel. My ex and I broke up four months ago after almost ten years. I have been telling her that she is afraid of everything including her mother. I wanted to help her. She told me our relationship was 80% good 20% bad. But she still ran away from me. I thank you for this information and I pray that she will figures it out.
Hi, Paulien, one more deep thank you for nailing these things so precisely. I can relate to all of these and I keep on going through this really painful and exhausting state. How can this horror end? Should I quit the lovely girl and soulmate I've been dating one more time in order to regain some inner peace or are there other ways to calm myself down and see what is behind the door that is knocking so alarmingly and painfully? Thank you really, your videos ring a bell, truly insightful!
Hello beautiful Soul ! I just wanted to ask you if you experienced a fear of abandonment and how it mannifested ?! Did you make assumptions that your partner lost intrest and tried to abandon them before they do ?! Did you have Seperation anxiety as a child ?! Do you feel fear when you're the last one to leave a certain place ?! Did you have expectations that don't match the degree of intimacy of the relationship ?! Did you have a fear that if they discover certain parts of your authentic self they leave you ?! Did you hold them hostage for something somebdy else did and reacted to what they did as if you were reacting to a previous situation ?! Did you feel a fear of being vulnerable with your feelings because of a fear of being abandoned when taken for granted ?! ... Etc
This is random, but where are you from? 🤣 I love your accent! And…. I’m so thankful for your videos🙏🏻 you definitely speak what happens in my mind and in my life.
As always you hit the nail on the head, Pauline. Great video! But do these reasons apply in friendships too? When you have a secure friendship and a connection you tend to be avoidant, but in shallow connectionless friendships you’re anxiously attached?
I notice that too, depending on how the other person is, I can be so avoidant or so anxious, to the point where I thought that the "right friend" wouldn't trigger so much extreme... Well, it's all happening inside of me. It also applies to my coworkers etc, so I'm clearly the common denominator here! It seems like so much paradoxical work to do to handle both the avoidance and the anxious responses. Thank you!
What if I’m just not attracted to him? I don’t feel that excited when I meet him and I get annoyed at him for small reasons. But he is the best guy I have ever met and he likes me alot . My life would be so easy if I could just like him more. But I can’t tell if I am fearful avoidant or I just don’t like him at all.
Hi Paulien I’m a dumpee of a fearful avoidant who I am very much in love with and felt very loved back from her. She pulled the rug out from under me out of nowhere and few months ago during a stressful move. She’s been very cold and even mean since. I’d really love to hear your thoughts on why FA come back quite often after no contact supposedly…. Is this true?
This video really helped me, I'm going on holidays with my boyfriend for the first time in 1 week. And my rocd is at its peak at the moment, i've been constantly thinking about breaking up and it's super exhausting. I wonder if other people who have this urge also had difficulties with traveling together?
im going on a vacation with my boyfriend in a couple of months. Its a group trip and some of my friends will be there too, but Im dreding it anyways. I guess there is just fome fear of not getting along in my case. or something entirely different I dont know, but to answer your question: some other prople have difficulties with that too apparently :)
@@yasminoench5412 Jup, I know that fear, it's also the fear of discovering you're not getting along and then being stuck abroad, I also don't want to ruin his holidays, which gives me a very suffocating feeling. My boyfriend knows I'm struggling with this lately and that I am experiencing stress, so he is giving me more space the passed couple of weeks. I am trying to focus on all the nature I will see during this trip so I don't obsess too much on worst case scenarios! What a hell of a rollercoaster this is :)
I really relate, but sometimes it is unhealthy, right? I mean it can't be either totally unhealthy or so emotionally unavailable that we are desperately trying to hold on. I'm in a FA/FA relationship so we are both unavailable to a degree and we both hurt each other.. our fights/communication feels really bad sometimes and that's what mainly makes me think about breaking up, although the other stuff you said feels spot on too
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 yes please. I mean I already know we had very unhealthy fights. Now we are both in recovery but I still feel uneasy sometimes . We both have cptsd and trigger each other. Hopefully going to start therapy soon although I keep wondering about just breaking up
This is so me very scared getting with another woman. I was married for several years. And had 3 kids. Well I thought I had 3 kids my wife wanted to have a divorce. And while we was in court she told the judge that she wanted to have a DNA done on 2 of our kid’s . Neither one of us got the Verdict verdict went to the Judge had to wait three months. Until I went back to court just to find out that 2 of my kids was not mine. And both kids had separate fathers and both fathers are in prison for life. And my attorney won me full custody of the first child because he was mine. And she tried to put me away for life and lied to the law. And will not talk about how it all went down in this post. But yea I have anxiety issues because of what I went through!!! I would do a Podcast like on zoom or something. But yea there is much more. So yea
Ive also got a question: maybe soemone knows the answer to: does this attachment style have to be caused by some experience or can it just be like that for apparently no reason at all? thank you in advance
I think its usually shaped by your childhood and early experiences, related mostly to parents or family dynamics. Or early social interactions that me leave a conscious or unconscious impact
Yes I do I am going threw it right know about two years ago my husband had a affair and I was messed up haven't been the same since now I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life me as a person I just want to be whole and be happy and at peace
Another great helpful video. I thought of something today; can these feelings of doubt panic and worry (in a healthy, stable relationship) be what it feels like for an FA to be in love? As effed up as that sounds, could it be because we don't know how to receive love and are scared of connection and intimacy, but are with someone we don't want to break up with, that having these awful moments if panic is what it is to be in love? Before we heal of course (I can't wait to heal). Thank you.
I panick, freak out, have lots of anxiety only if I have strong feelings/am in love. If the feelings are not strong, so I just like and care for that person, I don't have them
I never thought I would ever find a video that described my life in a nutshell
Pauline has so many good points here. To those of you who want to break up: I struggled with relationship anxiety for 2-3 months, was doing therapy, reading books, but still, my anxiety was so strong that I could not bear it anymore, like my body was collapsing so I did break up. I broke the guy's heart as I told him out of the blue and I kept my struggles hidden during the relationship so he wasn't even aware what was going on. I asked for no contact to calm my head after the break up. Do you think it went away? No. I broke up and felt relief for 2-3 days, but months after that I was/am still in my head still thinking about that relationship, having the same doubts and thoughts like when I was in the relationship, why? Well because obviously because the relationship mattered to me.
Excatley what I always went trough every single relationship in my life. After this classes from Pauline it got better. But I had even massive anxiety even before the first date.
Did you reach out to your ex at some point?
@@bluexpressov2I did, the first time 6 months after a break up and...zoom in on my embarrassed-to-admit face - when I found out I will be moving to the other side of the world.🤡 Initially, right when we broke up I told him not to contact me for a month at least and he respected that. After that we would be occasionally in touch when wishing each other happy birthday etc. He ocasionally hinted that he would like to see me, but I would dismiss that stating that I can't see him casually because I probably had some feelings for him. So when I found out that I'd be leaving, the feelings came back that week and I invited him to say goodbye... We discussed giving it another try after I come back (1 year later).
That time passed and I contacted him saying I would like to see him. He said he would like it to, I start asking myself "Why did I do that?" "What good's this gonna bring?" "I'm still not sure I want to be with him". My mind's hell 🥴
how did it end? Did you reach up for him?
Thank you so much to sharing your experience.
WOW this is my life the past 3+ years with my FA we (well she) broke up 4 times, and each time she said " I dont want to hurt you any more" I was like??? you aren't hurting me, until you break up with me!... I have never felt closer to anyone, never been so happy. But she thinks its too much, to scary and runs such a waste of Love, real Love
My FA broke up with me saying he was only hurting me...he was saying almost every day how much he cared for me the month before, than he got triggered too much and left after a stupid small conflict
It’s so sad to hear how my immense fear brain has caused destruction to my relationships. I’m so saddened by it as I don’t come upon someone easily that I’m attracted to and want relationship.
this video is exactly what I needed. I am almost constantly thinking about breaking up... almost every tought you listed holds true for me and I thought I was alone with that. I am relieved that this is not the case. And it just makes more sense to me. Thank you a lot for making this video.
My ex broke up with me 2 months ago but she doesn’t know she’s FA. She seems to have deactivated hard against me, and even vilified me somewhat. Is it even worth trying to reach out to her? I feel that she broke up with me due to the reasons you described.
We had been together for 5 years, and she was telling me all these reasons why she was afraid that we would have regrets and get divorced (she knew I was planning to propose that year, she had already been happily telling people about it for a while). At the time I didn’t know anything about attachment theory, so I kept questioning her about her feelings, trying to find compromises or solutions but I think I overwhelmed her. She pushed away which made me anxious, I tried to pull her closer until she completely shut down on me. Over the past 6 weeks I’ve learned so much about attachment theory and fearful avoidants, I feel that we could make it work and reconcile, but I don’t know if she’s even capable of feeling anything for me anymore.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
@@Polly1589 Any update?
My partner and I have had a lot of fights and making up. I hate being like this. One day I am all in and the next I start worrying what if he’s not the one. I mean because we’ve had so many fights doesn’t that mean that we’re not meant to be. We’re incompatible when it comes to a lot of things, shouldn’t I try to find someone where we are more compatible. But then I think he’s someone that genuinely loves me and I trust that love but I just can’t allow myself to love him or commit to him because I’m worried what if he’s not the one. I’m so anxious over this relationship all the time and everyone tells me that’s a bad sign but now I realize it’s my fear brain and that’s the problem. The truth is I don’t want to leave him I want to make it work, but I just keep wishing if he was different in this or different in that that would make me feel safer but is that too much to wish for. This is my first relationship so it’s even harder to tell what’s good and what’s bad I don’t trust my brain.
Same
She broke up with me for all those reasons which have nothing to do with me but she was bipolar and had deep childhood trauma so that was a huge factor!
About 3 minutes in THANK YOU! Currently under the grip of anxiety and being overwhelmed
Hello Paulien, thank you so much for this video, and also for all your videos. You are a very helpful person with great knowledge and i love how calm and nice you are everytime. I dont think there is better material on healing and dealing with negative thougts as a FA than your videos. I hope you are well, and again, thank you
this is the most eye opening video for me , thank you for helping me on my healing journey
Hello Pauline ~ I just discovered your channel and it is very helpful. Could you suggest a place to find tapping videos to heal disorganized attachment? I’ve looked but only see a few. Or please do more tapping videos yourself - the ones you have on your channel are incredibly powerful. I sob through them, tears streaming down my face. Thank you for helping us heal.
I find it so interesting to learn about myself and hear someone describe me to the core...but its also very sad that we struggle so much
Thank you for being here, happy to hear my video's are resonating with you.
I seriously thank you for this channel. My ex and I broke up four months ago after almost ten years. I have been telling her that she is afraid of everything including her mother. I wanted to help her. She told me our relationship was 80% good 20% bad. But she still ran away from me. I thank you for this information and I pray that she will figures it out.
Thank you for being here❤
I needed this video. Im a bit lost on how to fix this, but I needed to see this.
Thank you for your service
Hi, Paulien, one more deep thank you for nailing these things so precisely. I can relate to all of these and I keep on going through this really painful and exhausting state. How can this horror end? Should I quit the lovely girl and soulmate I've been dating one more time in order to regain some inner peace or are there other ways to calm myself down and see what is behind the door that is knocking so alarmingly and painfully? Thank you really, your videos ring a bell, truly insightful!
Best video! Thankyou so much!
Hello beautiful Soul !
I just wanted to ask you if you experienced a fear of abandonment and how it mannifested ?!
Did you make assumptions that your partner lost intrest and tried to abandon them before they do ?!
Did you have Seperation anxiety as a child ?!
Do you feel fear when you're the last one to leave a certain place ?!
Did you have expectations that don't match the degree of intimacy of the relationship ?!
Did you have a fear that if they discover certain parts of your authentic self they leave you ?!
Did you hold them hostage for something somebdy else did and reacted to what they did as if you were reacting to a previous situation ?!
Did you feel a fear of being vulnerable with your feelings because of a fear of being abandoned when taken for granted ?!
... Etc
This is random, but where are you from? 🤣 I love your accent! And…. I’m so thankful for your videos🙏🏻 you definitely speak what happens in my mind and in my life.
I'm from the Netherlands! And I'm so happy to hear :)
As always you hit the nail on the head, Pauline. Great video!
But do these reasons apply in friendships too? When you have a secure friendship and a connection you tend to be avoidant, but in shallow connectionless friendships you’re anxiously attached?
I’d like to know this too! I’m trying to decide if this is my situation, or if my friendships have run their course.
I notice that too, depending on how the other person is, I can be so avoidant or so anxious, to the point where I thought that the "right friend" wouldn't trigger so much extreme... Well, it's all happening inside of me. It also applies to my coworkers etc, so I'm clearly the common denominator here! It seems like so much paradoxical work to do to handle both the avoidance and the anxious responses. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this.
This was spot on for describing how i am feeling. What do you do about it?
What if I’m just not attracted to him? I don’t feel that excited when I meet him and I get annoyed at him for small reasons. But he is the best guy I have ever met and he likes me alot . My life would be so easy if I could just like him more. But I can’t tell if I am fearful avoidant or I just don’t like him at all.
Let me know if you found the answer
@@Jasmin-gt5lu i just didn’t like him babe 😭
@@malika42right 💔
Hi Paulien
I’m a dumpee of a fearful avoidant who I am very much in love with and felt very loved back from her.
She pulled the rug out from under me out of nowhere and few months ago during a stressful move. She’s been very cold and even mean since.
I’d really love to hear your thoughts on why FA come back quite often after no contact supposedly…. Is this true?
same boat. Stay strong brother. It's a really testing time and I find that knowledge like this helps soothe the mind and soul.
This video really helped me, I'm going on holidays with my boyfriend for the first time in 1 week. And my rocd is at its peak at the moment, i've been constantly thinking about breaking up and it's super exhausting. I wonder if other people who have this urge also had difficulties with traveling together?
im going on a vacation with my boyfriend in a couple of months. Its a group trip and some of my friends will be there too, but Im dreding it anyways. I guess there is just fome fear of not getting along in my case. or something entirely different I dont know, but to answer your question: some other prople have difficulties with that too apparently :)
@@yasminoench5412 Jup, I know that fear, it's also the fear of discovering you're not getting along and then being stuck abroad, I also don't want to ruin his holidays, which gives me a very suffocating feeling. My boyfriend knows I'm struggling with this lately and that I am experiencing stress, so he is giving me more space the passed couple of weeks. I am trying to focus on all the nature I will see during this trip so I don't obsess too much on worst case scenarios! What a hell of a rollercoaster this is :)
@@blubjesindezee i wish you the best of luck and a good holyday. I hope it works out
I really relate, but sometimes it is unhealthy, right? I mean it can't be either totally unhealthy or so emotionally unavailable that we are desperately trying to hold on. I'm in a FA/FA relationship so we are both unavailable to a degree and we both hurt each other.. our fights/communication feels really bad sometimes and that's what mainly makes me think about breaking up, although the other stuff you said feels spot on too
Definitely it can be unhealthy. Would you like to see a video on what the signs of an unhealthy relationship are?
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 yes please. I mean I already know we had very unhealthy fights. Now we are both in recovery but I still feel uneasy sometimes . We both have cptsd and trigger each other. Hopefully going to start therapy soon although I keep wondering about just breaking up
Is it normal to think about this the moment I wake up? And sometimes I’m feeling calm but this is all the time
What if you are trying to work on yourself and get fear and anxiety out of your life but your partner keeps doing things to cause you anxiety?
This is so me very scared getting with another woman. I was married for several years. And had 3 kids. Well I thought I had 3 kids my wife wanted to have a divorce. And while we was in court she told the judge that she wanted to have a DNA done on 2 of our kid’s . Neither one of us got the Verdict verdict went to the Judge had to wait three months. Until I went back to court just to find out that 2 of my kids was not mine. And both kids had separate fathers and both fathers are in prison for life. And my attorney won me full custody of the first child because he was mine. And she tried to put me away for life and lied to the law. And will not talk about how it all went down in this post. But yea I have anxiety issues because of what I went through!!! I would do a Podcast like on zoom or something. But yea there is much more. So yea
Ive also got a question: maybe soemone knows the answer to: does this attachment style have to be caused by some experience or can it just be like that for apparently no reason at all?
thank you in advance
I think its usually shaped by your childhood and early experiences, related mostly to parents or family dynamics. Or early social interactions that me leave a conscious or unconscious impact
Yes I do I am going threw it right know about two years ago my husband had a affair and I was messed up haven't been the same since now I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life me as a person I just want to be whole and be happy and at peace
Paulien please don't @ me like this
Another great helpful video. I thought of something today; can these feelings of doubt panic and worry (in a healthy, stable relationship) be what it feels like for an FA to be in love? As effed up as that sounds, could it be because we don't know how to receive love and are scared of connection and intimacy, but are with someone we don't want to break up with, that having these awful moments if panic is what it is to be in love? Before we heal of course (I can't wait to heal). Thank you.
I panick, freak out, have lots of anxiety only if I have strong feelings/am in love. If the feelings are not strong, so I just like and care for that person, I don't have them
hi! do you have any tips on being able accept people as they are. really struggling with this one, thanks🤍