Andy's anger towards the shitty friend / brother situation as well as the age gap relationship was extremely satisfying to watch. You both have such sharp observation. Also, the girl who is trying to confirm dates with Wednesday and Saturday has serious comedic writing talent.
For the “28” year age difference question- I just kept thinking… she probably won’t take your advice. However, she would watch this video 10 years from now and wish she had…
Before I'd sleep with someone, I'd ask him "what does commitment look like to you?". I've spent years in relationships without finding out how my partner feels about commitment out of fear of how they'd react. What a waste of time!!
Thank you for not shying away from difficult questions. That age difference one was tough to listen to and I don't know where I'd even begin if I had to answer it. As a viewer, your passion in that answer was very satisfying. Thanks for another great Q&A!
Advice and passion in your answer so necessary and 100% correct. This relationship might be sexually driven but it’s an emotional addiction and will be exponentially more harmful to her the longer she stays in it. She needs to run.
I found myself so concerned for Liz who is 24 and in love with the 53 year old man. The fact that the relationship began and continues based on a sexual relationship, coupled with the fact that this is her FIRST relationship, and she sees herself as in love with this man…makes me fear how this is going to affect all her relationships in her life. Will she always think of every relationship as sex-first and companionship/friendship not as important? Will she be able to see the value of developing a relationship that is a true friendship and partnership? And your comments about her expectations from men in their 20s she may date in the future are so valid. Just so concerned for her how this will affect her relationship expectations in her life moving forward if she doesn’t course correct quickly. 😬 Sooo hope she listens to you.
I’m guessing the fetish website the caller referred to is probably fetlife. I remember being that young and inexperienced and being so flattered by older men’s attention. I bet he compliments her on how mature she is lol. It wasn’t til years later, when I realized how easily manipulated, malleable, and naive I actually had been, that I became extremely grossed out about middle aged men so clearly taking advantage of that.
In regards to the 24 year old dating the 53 year old, I think the biggest problem is the mom being fully aware of the situation and encouraging it. This speaks volumes about the mother and likely the girl's childhood. In my opinion the 24 year old likely wouldn't have gotten into this situation in the first place if it weren't for childhood/past traumas that aren't healed. I'd guess the 24 year old doesn't have a good relationship with her father or a father at all, which is also what attracts her to this man. Inadequate parenting always seems to show itself in dating choices.
Also, thanks so much to the both of you for this podcast! I'm definitely one of those Shandy's who has listened to every Q&A 2+ times! I also love the Love Fests!
Hi Shandy!!! Huge fan of the podcast, your 2 perspectives give me such immense joy. When Andy says the magic phrase…”You know what this is like..” my ears just instantly perk up awaiting the metaphor. Love to you both!!
shandy, thank you for getting so incensed for Liz (Q4). i'm always leery of big age gaps in relationships (especially where the girl is much younger and
To answer Andy's question, I ALWAYS listen to the very last second of your podcasts, but I'm thinking it wouldn't hurt to suggest hitting the like and subscribe buttons in the middle after you've had a chance to whet the appetite and win over the hearts of new listeners tuning in for the first time. ❤ Thanks as always.
Also hearing the"like and subscribe" is very standard. Like a poster you see everyday on the same wall. Unfortunately I don't really "hear" when TH-camrs say it anymore. I assume that's common.
I don't understand why sex should come before commitment? I tend to see this as a very Sex and the City NY take and mainstreaming a trend in this way is WAY unfair for people who have different standards for putting out. There are tons of women who just CANNOT have/enjoy sex without love and absolute commitment and it is absolutely important that women's standards and terms are met. If a guy wants sex before committing, it just seems like a business transaction to get to the next stage with no indication of deep feeling. Love is giving without condition, sacrifice and compromise. People don't need to have sex or even touch each other to know if there is sexual chemistry because a large part of sex is mental. And sexual performance in the bedroom can always be improved by communication. I would feel really insulted if a man wanted sex with me before committing.
My first sexual partner was kinky and poly, it was only a 4 year age difference, but just the difference in baseline sexual experiences allowed a lot of inherent manipulation. I wanted to please and to be seen as a worthy sex partner, he wanted to feel big. At the time, it felt exciting and bonding. A couple years later after a partner who met me where I was and did kink respectfully (slow introductios, aftercare, stopping without trying to explain his way back into it) I realized how much I went into it to try and please. Men who want kinky sex with virgins love the power dynamic and you are very unlikely to meet someone who won't take advantage when looking at older partner + kink + younger virgin. Because their kink is often within the relationship dynamic itself, so they will not see you as autonomous, they will see you as someone to lead and teach and mould.
You guys are too nice. I think there’s an 80% chance that a last minute excuse is a lie 😂 This coming from someone who is introverted and gets slightly stressed about social situations like Sharleen was saying so maybe I’m biased and makeup excuses more than the average person.
Regarding the 28 year age difference question: I was in an almost identical situation - I was 20 when I met him & he was 47 (all of the sexual elements were the same, but he was not married - he had a child though). I had never been in a relationship before, but I did have prior sexual partners (he opened me up to kink). I tried to date other people as I knew it was not a lifelong connection, but the connection I had with him held me back. It wasn't until I met my then boyfriend who was the same age as me - we were 21 almost 22. He almost ended up being a life partner, but we ended our lovely 2 year relationship due to it being just slightly off. I am now married with someone just 11 years older than me. We met at 24/35 & are 27/38 now. Because I was able to cut off that situation when I did, I can look back on that experience fondly and not feel like I had anything "taken" from me. A key note is I met my then boyfriend while I was still with my 27 year age gap partner. But if she doesn't feel she could date simultaneously, then I definitely agree that she should cut ties!
The first question - I think maybe she just wants to feel secure that he doesn't only want her for sex, like he gets what he wants and then leaves! If he really wants to have a relationship with her because he likes her for more than just sex, then just commit to a relationship, if for some reason afterwards things don't work out because there's no chemistry, then you can break up, but at least she can say she was in a relationship when they had sex, and not just used for it!
I’m sure she does want to feel secure but you say it yourself, he can just say “of course we’re committed Baby” have sex and then eject the next day. So what security is that? None at all. It’s all a Fugazi. And the whole “he used her for sex” schtick? You know what every guy wants from a long term partner? Sex where it’s like HE’S the one being used. By a girl who is loyal and smart and funny. Not one who thinks that intimacy is a transaction of sex for security.
@@jleano609 Well then he's obviously not serious and just wants to pump and dump if he's just going to leave her the next day..... so I guess she should just tell him they wouldn't work out, it sounds like too much trouble right from the start, so it wouldn't get any better, they just need to find people that are more like them.
Writer #1 - I never disagree with Andy but I think she should hold out until he gives her what he wants very consistently first. No way I'm sleeping with him when he told me I have to sleep with him to be good enough to date. Hell no
That's using sex as leverage. The dude should've bounced after she refused to put out for that long. It sounds like starfish sex anyway with her, ain't no box that good to have to wait that long, especially if she has put out sooner with other men, which is probably the case.
@Pami unless she's a virgin, she has no right to make you wait so long. What you said, "I think she should hold out until he gives her what she wants very consistently first," is the definition of leverage, red flag. Kick her to the curb, and pretty women with vaginas are literally everywhere. She's not special.
@@CrowdFave lol! Listen to yourself. You have no right to sex with a woman, especially without any type of commitment or protection. We are not your play toys
Okay, so my spouse and I have very silly running list of "pump & dump" phrases that we find hilarious because we are children. Our favorites are "f&ck & duck" and "ejaculate & evacuate."
I strongly disagree with Andy's take on the first question. Clearly this woman needs to feel safe and this man isn't providing that for her, so maybe she should just find someone who makes her feel safe. I think he just identified with the man too much without really knowing the situation.
Perhaps (and perhaps as a man I’m guilty of the same) but I think his point at the closing of the question was right. They’ve been dancing around the physical stuff for so long that something (or someone) needs to give. Since she submitted the question, their focus was primarily on what she could control. If you’re right that the man isn’t providing a feeling of safety for her after all this time, I don’t think flipping the order of operations should change that. She may well be best off dropping him for someone who does provide that but instead she’s gotten hung up on this question and I think Andy’s take is simply that she’s got to make a call here.
Okay I love this podcast please write a book together because as a 22 year old woman I need all the advice. ❤ Question 4 was a tough question but Shandy did an amazing job answering a very personal question. We need more age gap questions.
I love you guys and usually agree with your take, but I have a different perspective on the sex ultimatum. I understand that with hook-up culture so prevalent, most people are hitting it and quitting it (another variation on pumping and dumping 🤣). In my case, I've been celibate for 11 years now and I am for sure not breaking that for anyone who's simply trying to test the goods before determining if I'm worth committing to. Like you said in the response to the age gap question, you can often cultivate and grow physical intimacy, so my expectation is to meet someone with whom I am emotionally, intellectually and spiritually compatible, and use that as a foundation to hone and harness sexual compatibility.
I couldn’t disagree more with Andy in response to Q1. Physical intimacy is a big deal and emotional intimacy and commitment may be important for many people. Once hormones get involved, and oxytocin is a powerful one for women, it can be hard to see things clearly. Post-sex physical bonding can definitely complicate and cloud things, whereas waiting to establish trust and emotional connection and ensuring you align at other levels ensures those pieces are in place before taking that extra step of vulnerability - especially for a woman. Plus, there’s a lot you can do before sex - you can tell if you have chemistry. I’d be really offended if a man wouldn’t commit until he decided if “the goods” were good enough. Yuck.
1000% agree, especially now that we’re in the age of dating apps and post-hookup culture!! Plus, one can get a general idea about their sexual chemistry with a person from sexual acts that aren’t penetrative sex...
You’ve got to understand the flip side from a man’s point of view though. Many men have been strung along by the promise of sex by women who are either just looking for a provider or have hang ups, asexuality, low libido etc. Or just have an unrealistic view of relationships. The simple fact is that. As a man you want a woman who has genuine burning desire for you. So much so She’s willing to “break rules” for you. That’s passion and it should form the basis of every relationship based in sexual polarity. But negotiation? Yeah, no thanks. “You can’t negotiate desire” is a rule every smart guy like Andy knows. You want enthusiastic consent from a sex positive girl who into you, not a girl who is making you jump thru hoops. Girl plays that game, she’s only going to get a guy who hasn’t got better options and is willing to act in her frame. That’s not a great guy. The great guy will WALK and continue the search for Miss “Ride or Die” who just can’t help but want to have great sex together with him.
I found your analysis for the woman who didn’t want to have sex outside of a relationship super interesting. I come from a more Christian background and most of the people I know would want a man to get in a relationship because they care about you and support you to be ready before having sex. Sooooo…. It just sounds like they are from different worlds. For me, I need someone who could be patient. I wouldn’t play games with the definitions. But, if I wasn’t ready, I would want them to be comfortable waiting until I was. And if they needed a formal definition or I did (because of fear, background, having felt used in the past, etc.), I’d want either of us to be understanding of each other. Because it’s a journey. I don’t think she should have sex with him. I think they should stop talking. If she feels sex is important, the risk of having sex and then him jetting would probably hurt too much. She may need someone who is more supportive in waiting and not feeling like it’s a problem. Go for someone with a secure attachment style. I know easier said than done. But that’s my opinion, haha. From a random person on the internet, but I agree with the Shandy that it’s already been sullied… and also that if you disagree on this, there may be some big foundational issues in the future, too.
Q4: Andy is 100% on the money. I think with age, you can have the ability to compartmentalize and not catch feelings. Michael sees this as only a kink, a fantasy, and having a kink and fantasy doesn't make him special. Sharleen gave great advice!
It never occured to me that a virgin young man or woman would be into kink sex. Without ever experiencing any sex whatsoever, how does one come to the realization that kink is needed? No judgement, just curious.
I hope you are 18+, but here is the answer: not all kinks involve penetrative sex. I actually think most kinks don't. Most are like a foreplay thing and it just sexually arouses the other person. Some people need their kink to be explored with their partner to climax or can climax off of the kink alone. The kink world is endless and penetrative sex is a small percentage of it.
@Evie F I think we need to remember a virgin may have had every possible type of sex without actual intercourse. Sometimes women do this for pregnancy issues or people do it for religious purposes.
Re: the person whose brother and best friend were secretly dating, what would hurt me the most in that situation is knowing that I had probably been lied to during that time. Having a best friend means you're likely interacting regularly, which means the best friend would have had plenty of occasions to disclose her new relationship with the brother. The hurt and betrayal is real. This is messed up.
Such a great Q & A so far! 1 - Hit it & quit it! 2- I sooo relate to Sharleen with thinking about cancelling before meeting with family or friends & wanting to stay home. Then I usually end up going & have a good time! But that draw to stay home can be so strong sometimes! 3 - No heads up, especially before a family holiday gathering? THEY suck!
Andy, you cracked me up when you gave the example about someone breaking into your home while you are on vacation and eating all your food watching Netflix. Something similar happened to me! While my husband & I were on vacation we let my friend stay at our home. His aunt...who I had NEVER met showed up with her two daughters and two dogs and told my friend we would be ok with them staying there. My friend let them stay. After we got home, they stayed another week...until I told my husband they had to leave. Guess I am too nice too! LOL
I only ever knew about “pump and dump” in terms of pumping breastmilk after drinking alcohol and dumping it so the infant wouldn’t get alcohol when nursing. (Now it’s questioned whether that’s actually needed) Learned some new applications of the phrase today :)
I vote for Dear Shandy to have an episode with Elizabeth Ep 174) and Wednesday/Saturday author. Captivating story tellers! I’m here for it. Anyone else?
I agree with your take that the brother bringing the friend to the holidays situation was bs, but I also get a little kick out of the (probably clueless) brother thinking it would be a good idea to bring the friend since she already knows his sister. 😆
The final point about the first caller is the biggest issue. The "relationship" is soured. The sex has now been so built up it's doomed to be a disappointment. Would it even feel like it happened organically? She's going to expect a relationship after sex, and he's going to feel pressured to be in the relationship. Not to be too Andy about this, but the window of opportunity for unbiased sex is gone. This is a sad game of chicken and they both lost.
Pretty much. Leveraging sex to gain commitment is a fools game. All it says is “she’s not that into you” she sees relationships as largely transactional and last of all, she’s dumb. The guy’s actually being pretty ethical. It would be super easy for him to lie that he wants commitment, have sex and then “ejaculate and evacuate”. If she can’t see that, she’s not very smart. Another case of “if a woman makes you wait for sex, the sex is never worth it”. Better to walk, she’s not Miss “Ride or Die”. That’s what every guy wants. You give a girl 3-5 dates, if you’re not getting intimate by then, she’s not for you. Go find some girl who IS.
Also for Liz, part of the reason she feels so connected is created by the dynamic. Sub/Dom relationships basically create push pull hormones in (hopefully) safe environments. Yes, other relationships will feel weaker because they need time, but kink can be done with anyone. ETA: Also it sounds like she's alone in a new area? This means he's her only in person support which isn't ideal - I don't hear her talking to friends who can help give her feedback.
Seriously! Some many people are Morally Corrupt and when someone doesn't want to be physical she is "holding out sex!" The chemistry is not there and she doesn't see any kind of relationship with this guy! He just needs to move on, he is not the one for her.
Me thinking “pump and dump” is a phrase used for newly nursing mommies who have some coffee/alcohol in their system and need to get it out before their child’s next feed 😅
And lastly, agree with your takes on 4 & 5! Also, just as I was thinking how I didn't notice Andy's socks this episode, he crossed his leg to show them! 🍌
Q2: Don't give strangers that much power. You can try meeting people in real life. That way, you have already met them in person and can get a better gauge of their impression. Shandy gave perfect advice.
This was a great episode! Each situation was really distinct and unique, and you had passionate, well thought out answers for each one. I listened to the end only because I came late and saw everyone's comments about listening to the end. But I'm already a subscriber so I don't need to listen to the end. 😉
I've heard pump and dump used for pumping breast milk after drinking alcohol and then dumping that milk because you wouldn't want to give that to a baby
For Q4, I think the older guy is so enamored with her mainly because it’s a fetish/kink for him. For her it’s love I’m sure but the bond is mainly because you’re young, was a virgin and had little to no experience. That’s enticing for him. And she knows he’s not leaving his wife so she should just call it a day and just use the experience for what it was.
I love your podcast so much!! Listen every week, rarely comment. I'm not sure where else "pump and dump" might be used, but I've always heard it in reference to breastfeeding. If a mom wants to eat or drink something the baby can't have, she will just, "pump and dump" before feeding the baby again. I've never heard of it as a stock market thing or a sex thing.
About how long it takes to get over someone, It depends on how long you’ve been holding on just bc you think it’s right or don’t want to let go, but deep down certain relationships you know has been long gone, some people just can’t deal with loneliness, and they keep staying in bc of that
For Q1, it’s not even about sex, it’s just clear they don’t have natural chemistry, and IMO life is too short to entertain things with someone you don’t have chemistry with. You don’t need to have sex to know that at all! And if you do have that chemistry, you can figure things out on the physical side (obviously with some further communication). Q2: I thought to myself “that is borderline psychotic” a SPLIT second before Andy said the same thing Q3: taking away anything related to the age gap/poly/kink thing. This is a situation of a first love that is SO special, but there’s something about it you know doesn’t work for you in the long term. We have ALL been there where we just wanted it to work with our first love no matter what, it’s absolutely unimaginable that anything could ever be better. But if you even have a slight inkling that you might need to find something else, you need to just do it. You need to try it. Something thing made me think of was Monica in Friends breaking up with Richard because he was older and didn’t want to have kids anymore. It was a devastating break up where they still very much loved each other, but Monica knew for this fundamental thing she wanted in life that she needed to end things. And then she found Chandler. As someone who straight up told my friends they were wrong when they told me I’d love again after my high school sweetheart dumped me, I know it’s not easy, but I really really hope she takes your advice into account.
To me, the caller dating an older married man said the most revealing thing when she said she wanted a life partner. Michael is not her life partner and she is a side piece. For the first caller, If you have a date and something comes up, then you immediately contact the other person and express regret. The caller is correct to think he might be lying. The chance is higher when she was the one who contacted him and then he bailed. He had already brushed her off and she could just wait to see if he reschedules. I just think that another, shiny thing came up.
Ok.. I think the guy was anyways a player in high school and she knows his history, and she wants to commitment but she knows he still won’t commit as he is just using his “high card” to convince her to have sex. #rungirlrun
I Completely agree with you both in regards to the age difference question. No judging here either! It’s not the kink I have any issue with…it’s the lopsidedness of their relationship. I’m not sure she is going to take your advice either, BUT I hope she heard you Sharlene when you said “she shouldn’t feel like this is true love, if she only seeing him ONCE a week!! AND it’s seemingly Only for sex! When you said that Sharlene I immediately felt awful for her. (I felt badly before but that hit home!) Hopefully it hits home for her too! If you feel like once a week Great sex is love…😢😢😢 But of course she feels like she’s in love, she is 23 AND this is her first relationship!!! I wouldn’t have such an issue if this was a young man she was dating - he might not know any better?? But a 53 year old man with a lifetime of experience…does! Or at least he should. And If he truly loves her - he should be insisting, at the very least…that she should be dating others!!! (He is!!! ) he’s married! If he deeply truly cared about her - he should be insisting she have a life outside of this to grow and flourish. he has a whole full life and she is sitting waiting for her once a week with him 😢 Shocking of him. Thank you both for being so passionate about this…It’s very important and I hope against hope that she listens to you. Now and not in ten years 😢
Re: Shitty best friend/brother conundrum I'm embarrassed to admit that I was once in a similar situation, where I started dating one of my close friends' colleague without giving her a heads up first. When my friend found out, the insults and profanity that she directed towards me were so aggressive that they made me lose sleep at night. For a long time, I genuinely couldn't understand her rage: Sure he's her colleague and they're also friends, sure a heads up from me would've been ideal, but had I really committed a crime so unforgivable and offensive that warranted such a violent response? (My friend already had a serious boyfriend who she'd been with for 3 years at the time; so it wasn't like there was a budding romance between her and her colleague.) Needless to say, our friendship ended because of this (I eventually had to block her because the verbal abuse went on in spite of my apologies). In retrospect, telling my friend in advance would've been the right thing to do, but I do not regret having kept my relationship with her colleague a secret until things got more serious even though the relationship did not last, because he was my soulmate.
Sorry just confused - you say the relationship with the colleague didnt last, even though he was your soulmate? And also, what do you think would have happened if you told your friend - it would jinx it somehow?
@@krokat218 The relationship ended because I was young, got scared and didn't want to make a bigger commitment. It was an amicable breakup and I'll always look back at that relationship with fondness. My friend found out about us when we were only a month in; at that time, we weren't keeping the relationship from my friend, we were keeping it from everyone (including our families and closest friends). We were going to wait till we were "sure" about each other before making the relationship public.
Q2 - If a man cancels on a woman, I'd say about 30% of the time he's bs'ing as generally, men do not cancel dates. If a woman cancels, on the other hand, I'd say about 70% of the time, it's bs. Generally speaking, and from experience.
Q3 reminds me of a situation I was in but with more distant friends, not family. My old roommate introduced me to a guy friend of hers who I ended up hitting it off with. We started privately seeing each other & I didn’t want to tell the ex roommate right away because she was closer friends to my ex boyfriend than she was to me. She found out a few weeks later, sooner than I would have liked and I thoroughly apologized & brought her dinner but the damage was done? Idk it was bazaar to me, I like to be 100% sure about someone before I start telling people I’m dating them 🤷🏻♀️
But I imagine if you were joining a party together that she was hosting or attending, I’m sure you’d give her a head’s up… I personally think the family Christmas party crashing really made this strange.
The big age difference girl needs to understand that it isn't love for him. If you told him you didn't want to have sex with him he would be gone and that is not real love.
Oooofffff Michael, if he has kids, they’d be her age. ICK. Another layer of no. I’d never date/have sex with anyone my kids’ age. I hope she got smart and walked away.
Ohhhh M.. or is it Liz). This was difficult to hear and gave off definite groomer vibes. There is not just an age difference issue. Groomers make you feel like you NEED them. Please free yourself! You will find someone or a few men that you will be able to connect with!!
I personally think the Sister is being over the top about her friend dating the brother. She is entitled to one apology and one explanation, nothing more. She also needs to realise they are adults, they don't need permission. No she should not be pissed off once they apologized, people apologize once. If you are still mad, then you clearly don't want them dating and need to realise their relationship has nothing to do you. She should accept it and set a boundary "You two are dating, fine but I don't want to hear about anything negative, if things go sour leave me out of it. Don't ask me for advice." And her "I'm still upset" will mean they could break up just to appease her, does she want to be the one to blame?
I literally don't see a problem and was shocked by their reaction lol Sharleen says "he's a guy and doesn't consider others feelings" I think it's more like guys wouldn't be so emotionally damaged from this and wouldn't expect anyone to cater to their feelings. Showing up to dinner randomly did make it weird but imo it's a funny story that you can tease them about and thats as far as it goes.
ok but, why is a virgin on a kink website ? someone who has *never had sex* is seeking out the KINK community (which is by definition not for everyone), without knowing what sex is even LIKE, let alone how she reacts to it emotionally or wants from it specifically? her entire situation sounds like someone who got in over her head. and sorry but I can't help but raise my eyebrow regarding her mom, who should've known better that her daughter is too inexperienced to dive head first into the deep end, regardless of how well it's worked out for her. (can't help but wonder if this girl partook in "kink" because it was an identity she was eager to subscribe to, even if blindly.) yeeeeesh. bravo to shandy's answer!!
Caller #1 - Andy is giving the basic "guy rules" for good relationships If a woman makes you wait for sex the sex is never worth it. Women break their own rules when they really like a guy Women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of relationship. You cannot negotiate desire. You can't "leverage" sex OR relationships. Both people have to be equally "stoked" for both. Unless you have clear religious "wait until marriage" expectations, no guy who wants sex within a relationship should enter said relationship on a murky timescale. That's just poor frame, says you have lack of options as a man and are willing to put the girl's needs above your own. No woman actually wants a guy like that and she'll subconsciously disrespect you for that and her attraction will likely DROP over time, not increase. Plus as a guy you are going to act goofy and start trying to qualify to her, chasing the box. Or making a game of it. So you can't do it, you've got to WALK. It's the only high value move. P.S I'm not talking hypotheticals here - I lived this when very young, age 20. Dated a girl who I loved very much for a year who told me she wasn't ready for PIV. Always very reticent of sex and intimacy in general in fact. I just thought she needed time. What she actually needed was a different dick, I was just an "accessory BF" for her. Which I found out when she cheated on me 24 hours after meeting another guy. She gave him all that she withheld from me - he was her "soulmate" apparently. No, he was just a player who pumped and dumped one month in. 🤨 And that ladies, is why the guy rules above exist. a good man has to WALK when faced with Ms. "making him wait".
Liz sounds like his submissive, and he’s dominant and maybe her Master. It’s Very common - in the kink community - for young women to be with the most experienced and coveted man. So, this relationship Isn’t even the kind of relationship she’ll Have with another guy her age…if she just ‘lives her life’. What she gets from being a submissive is Such a high……that Nothing else will be like it. She is So vulnerable with him, the closeness they feel is primal. Giving that up will be like stopping drugs. 😩 Also, Sharleen, this Isn’t just about a weekly play date; that energy continues via text - so when she’s not with him she’s still in the submissive/Master headspace. This isn’t a sugar daddy situation - primarily at least.
Aaannnddd, if she wants to continue as a sub in the kink community, she’s Much safer with someone old enough to have experience. The younger guys often have no idea what they’re doing and are just dangerous and are just in it for their own power and pleasure only.
Older men who do this with virgins do not respect being a master though in my experience. They often ignore the safety requirements for kink and leave the woman when something shinier comes along or she says no. I've been a sub in a few relationships, this situation is not worth it and is rarely safe for the young women in these contexts. If it was 25 and 40 I wouldn't be so concerned, but early 20s virgin is such a fucking thing for this type of men. Yes, younger guys can be not as good Doms, but they are more likely to actually respect her.
Let me preface this first in that while I feel that you produce a good podcast and watch it once in awhile, I feel there is something you should think about. Doing this kind of podcast means that you are asking ppl to believe that you have the knowledge & background to give advice on many topics. However you have not been transparent enough to back that up. We know quite a bit about Sharleen but why no info on Andy. What is or was his career? What does he do besides this? And you speak of your age difference but wont say what it is. While giving advice and discussing specifics of your listeners relationships. These omissions diminish your credibility, in my opinion.
They’ve both shared quite a bit about themselves through many episodes, including their exact age gap. I don’t think Andy’s career is necessarily info for this podcast, unless he’s a therapist of some sort, which he explicitly states he’s not.
Andy, please add the caveat to your mind that you don't have the authority to speak on behalf of the human race. I love you - and this was a WONDERFUL episode - but you also haven't lived long enough nor have you experienced enough life to be so adamant with your arguments. You don't have a clue about what the older guy was getting out of it, and you CERTAINLY don't have a clue about what Liz may be getting. So rigid, man. Take a chill pill and stick with being funny. Sorry. Not sorry.
Errrrm, last I checked it’s their podcast. The whole point is for people to write in to get their opinions, which is exactly why this person wrote in... And, they have every right to judge this situation. It’s kinda fucked up.
Seems like you're too worried about the older man, while they were concerned about the WOMAN who wrote in. Don't project. If it was that important, she would've included it in the email.
If I've learned anything in my 76-years on the planet, it's that many of the things I "just knew" at 36 became folly by 76. Andy's view will change, I believe, as he ages. You argue "projection", which is a bullshit psychobabble term to describe anything a person says that is counter to that which is assumed to be "normal". We are all as different as snowflakes but still snowflakes. If I'm projecting, what about Andy? Surely, he doesn't KNOW about everybody, so the best he can do is offer his opinion, which I believe to be missing information that can only be gained through experience. Younger people argue that experience is overrated, which always produces a smile and a head shake. Isn't that y'all projecting? As I aged, my entire view of women and their needs changed, even to the point where nutting is irrelevant, and a young woman who has experienced this starts any new relationship a mile ahead of her contemporaries, because she knows what's possible for her. It's not all black and white, predator versus prey. If you don't think I'm right, just wait. Much love to you all.
I think the obvious answer to question #1 is she should let him go down on her. He will definitely know if there will be compatibility. Come on shandy… that was obvious. 😂
Andy's anger towards the shitty friend / brother situation as well as the age gap relationship was extremely satisfying to watch. You both have such sharp observation. Also, the girl who is trying to confirm dates with Wednesday and Saturday has serious comedic writing talent.
I agree! Her email was art!
For the “28” year age difference question- I just kept thinking… she probably won’t take your advice. However, she would watch this video 10 years from now and wish she had…
Exactly!
Oof. Been there
💯
She definitely won’t take their advice
Before I'd sleep with someone, I'd ask him "what does commitment look like to you?". I've spent years in relationships without finding out how my partner feels about commitment out of fear of how they'd react. What a waste of time!!
Great advice! 👏👏
Thank you for not shying away from difficult questions. That age difference one was tough to listen to and I don't know where I'd even begin if I had to answer it. As a viewer, your passion in that answer was very satisfying. Thanks for another great Q&A!
Advice and passion in your answer so necessary and 100% correct. This relationship might be sexually driven but it’s an emotional addiction and will be exponentially more harmful to her the longer she stays in it. She needs to run.
Dating etiquette says the person who cancels a date should reach out to reschedule
To incentivize everyone into watching til the very end, you should include a blooper at the end of every episode :) :)
Great idea!
@@audreyg1357great idea 👏🏼
I found myself so concerned for Liz who is 24 and in love with the 53 year old man. The fact that the relationship began and continues based on a sexual relationship, coupled with the fact that this is her FIRST relationship, and she sees herself as in love with this man…makes me fear how this is going to affect all her relationships in her life. Will she always think of every relationship as sex-first and companionship/friendship not as important? Will she be able to see the value of developing a relationship that is a true friendship and partnership? And your comments about her expectations from men in their 20s she may date in the future are so valid. Just so concerned for her how this will affect her relationship expectations in her life moving forward if she doesn’t course correct quickly. 😬 Sooo hope she listens to you.
I’m guessing the fetish website the caller referred to is probably fetlife.
I remember being that young and inexperienced and being so flattered by older men’s attention. I bet he compliments her on how mature she is lol. It wasn’t til years later, when I realized how easily manipulated, malleable, and naive I actually had been, that I became extremely grossed out about middle aged men so clearly taking advantage of that.
In regards to the 24 year old dating the 53 year old, I think the biggest problem is the mom being fully aware of the situation and encouraging it. This speaks volumes about the mother and likely the girl's childhood. In my opinion the 24 year old likely wouldn't have gotten into this situation in the first place if it weren't for childhood/past traumas that aren't healed.
I'd guess the 24 year old doesn't have a good relationship with her father or a father at all, which is also what attracts her to this man. Inadequate parenting always seems to show itself in dating choices.
Also, thanks so much to the both of you for this podcast! I'm definitely one of those Shandy's who has listened to every Q&A 2+ times! I also love the Love Fests!
Hi Shandy!!! Huge fan of the podcast, your 2 perspectives give me such immense joy. When Andy says the magic phrase…”You know what this is like..” my ears just instantly perk up awaiting the metaphor. Love to you both!!
Haha that’s also me when he says that! Thank you Kayci 💛
shandy, thank you for getting so incensed for Liz (Q4). i'm always leery of big age gaps in relationships (especially where the girl is much younger and
To answer Andy's question, I ALWAYS listen to the very last second of your podcasts, but I'm thinking it wouldn't hurt to suggest hitting the like and subscribe buttons in the middle after you've had a chance to whet the appetite and win over the hearts of new listeners tuning in for the first time. ❤ Thanks as always.
Thank you for this comment! Apparently I've never seen "whet the appetite" written and had no idea it wasn't "wet". Learned something today :)
Also hearing the"like and subscribe" is very standard. Like a poster you see everyday on the same wall. Unfortunately I don't really "hear" when TH-camrs say it anymore. I assume that's common.
I don't understand why sex should come before commitment? I tend to see this as a very Sex and the City NY take and mainstreaming a trend in this way is WAY unfair for people who have different standards for putting out. There are tons of women who just CANNOT have/enjoy sex without love and absolute commitment and it is absolutely important that women's standards and terms are met. If a guy wants sex before committing, it just seems like a business transaction to get to the next stage with no indication of deep feeling. Love is giving without condition, sacrifice and compromise. People don't need to have sex or even touch each other to know if there is sexual chemistry because a large part of sex is mental. And sexual performance in the bedroom can always be improved by communication. I would feel really insulted if a man wanted sex with me before committing.
My first sexual partner was kinky and poly, it was only a 4 year age difference, but just the difference in baseline sexual experiences allowed a lot of inherent manipulation. I wanted to please and to be seen as a worthy sex partner, he wanted to feel big. At the time, it felt exciting and bonding. A couple years later after a partner who met me where I was and did kink respectfully (slow introductios, aftercare, stopping without trying to explain his way back into it) I realized how much I went into it to try and please. Men who want kinky sex with virgins love the power dynamic and you are very unlikely to meet someone who won't take advantage when looking at older partner + kink + younger virgin. Because their kink is often within the relationship dynamic itself, so they will not see you as autonomous, they will see you as someone to lead and teach and mould.
You guys are too nice. I think there’s an 80% chance that a last minute excuse is a lie 😂 This coming from someone who is introverted and gets slightly stressed about social situations like Sharleen was saying so maybe I’m biased and makeup excuses more than the average person.
Regarding the 28 year age difference question: I was in an almost identical situation - I was 20 when I met him & he was 47 (all of the sexual elements were the same, but he was not married - he had a child though). I had never been in a relationship before, but I did have prior sexual partners (he opened me up to kink). I tried to date other people as I knew it was not a lifelong connection, but the connection I had with him held me back. It wasn't until I met my then boyfriend who was the same age as me - we were 21 almost 22. He almost ended up being a life partner, but we ended our lovely 2 year relationship due to it being just slightly off. I am now married with someone just 11 years older than me. We met at 24/35 & are 27/38 now. Because I was able to cut off that situation when I did, I can look back on that experience fondly and not feel like I had anything "taken" from me. A key note is I met my then boyfriend while I was still with my 27 year age gap partner. But if she doesn't feel she could date simultaneously, then I definitely agree that she should cut ties!
The first question - I think maybe she just wants to feel secure that he doesn't only want her for sex, like he gets what he wants and then leaves! If he really wants to have a relationship with her because he likes her for more than just sex, then just commit to a relationship, if for some reason afterwards things don't work out because there's no chemistry, then you can break up, but at least she can say she was in a relationship when they had sex, and not just used for it!
I’m sure she does want to feel secure but you say it yourself, he can just say “of course we’re committed Baby” have sex and then eject the next day. So what security is that? None at all. It’s all a Fugazi.
And the whole “he used her for sex” schtick? You know what every guy wants from a long term partner? Sex where it’s like HE’S the one being used. By a girl who is loyal and smart and funny. Not one who thinks that intimacy is a transaction of sex for security.
@@jleano609 Well then he's obviously not serious and just wants to pump and dump if he's just going to leave her the next day..... so I guess she should just tell him they wouldn't work out, it sounds like too much trouble right from the start, so it wouldn't get any better, they just need to find people that are more like them.
Writer #1 - I never disagree with Andy but I think she should hold out until he gives her what he wants very consistently first. No way I'm sleeping with him when he told me I have to sleep with him to be good enough to date. Hell no
That's using sex as leverage. The dude should've bounced after she refused to put out for that long. It sounds like starfish sex anyway with her, ain't no box that good to have to wait that long, especially if she has put out sooner with other men, which is probably the case.
@@CrowdFave ha ha that’s not how it works with decent women.
@Pami unless she's a virgin, she has no right to make you wait so long. What you said, "I think she should hold out until he gives her what she wants very consistently first," is the definition of leverage, red flag. Kick her to the curb, and pretty women with vaginas are literally everywhere. She's not special.
@@CrowdFave lol! Listen to yourself. You have no right to sex with a woman, especially without any type of commitment or protection. We are not your play toys
@@duckypam never said we had the right to sex, I'm simply saying, if she's making you wait, then move on. As a man, save your time and money.
Pump and dump is a breastfeeding/pumping term for the non parents out there :)
That’s immediately what my mind went to!!
That is what I thought too.
That is the only way I've ever heard the phrase used! But I was laughing out loud at Sharleen's take! Pure Gold!
Okay, so my spouse and I have very silly running list of "pump & dump" phrases that we find hilarious because we are children. Our favorites are "f&ck & duck" and "ejaculate & evacuate."
There are less graphic ones, of course, lol. We always joke that the other wants to "hit it & quit it," etc. 9 years in 😅
I am living for “ejaculate and evacuate” 😂
Andy! Thank you for not caring about people judging you for sound and fatherly advice. God bless you. What you guys do is a great work
I strongly disagree with Andy's take on the first question. Clearly this woman needs to feel safe and this man isn't providing that for her, so maybe she should just find someone who makes her feel safe. I think he just identified with the man too much without really knowing the situation.
Perhaps (and perhaps as a man I’m guilty of the same) but I think his point at the closing of the question was right. They’ve been dancing around the physical stuff for so long that something (or someone) needs to give. Since she submitted the question, their focus was primarily on what she could control.
If you’re right that the man isn’t providing a feeling of safety for her after all this time, I don’t think flipping the order of operations should change that. She may well be best off dropping him for someone who does provide that but instead she’s gotten hung up on this question and I think Andy’s take is simply that she’s got to make a call here.
@@ryanansloan2686
Agreed.
(Though did the question provide a timeline? It may have well been 5 dates sometime in the past, the way it was written.)
Okay I love this podcast please write a book together because as a 22 year old woman I need all the advice. ❤ Question 4 was a tough question but Shandy did an amazing job answering a very personal question. We need more age gap questions.
I love you guys and usually agree with your take, but I have a different perspective on the sex ultimatum. I understand that with hook-up culture so prevalent, most people are hitting it and quitting it (another variation on pumping and dumping 🤣).
In my case, I've been celibate for 11 years now and I am for sure not breaking that for anyone who's simply trying to test the goods before determining if I'm worth committing to. Like you said in the response to the age gap question, you can often cultivate and grow physical intimacy, so my expectation is to meet someone with whom I am emotionally, intellectually and spiritually compatible, and use that as a foundation to hone and harness sexual compatibility.
I couldn’t disagree more with Andy in response to Q1. Physical intimacy is a big deal and emotional intimacy and commitment may be important for many people. Once hormones get involved, and oxytocin is a powerful one for women, it can be hard to see things clearly. Post-sex physical bonding can definitely complicate and cloud things, whereas waiting to establish trust and emotional connection and ensuring you align at other levels ensures those pieces are in place before taking that extra step of vulnerability - especially for a woman. Plus, there’s a lot you can do before sex - you can tell if you have chemistry. I’d be really offended if a man wouldn’t commit until he decided if “the goods” were good enough. Yuck.
Agreeeeee!!!
Yes! I was so disappointed in Andy's response because he's usually on point!
1000% agree, especially now that we’re in the age of dating apps and post-hookup culture!! Plus, one can get a general idea about their sexual chemistry with a person from sexual acts that aren’t penetrative sex...
You’ve got to understand the flip side from a man’s point of view though. Many men have been strung along by the promise of sex by women who are either just looking for a provider or have hang ups, asexuality, low libido etc. Or just have an unrealistic view of relationships.
The simple fact is that. As a man you want a woman who has genuine burning desire for you. So much so She’s willing to “break rules” for you. That’s passion and it should form the basis of every relationship based in sexual polarity.
But negotiation? Yeah, no thanks. “You can’t negotiate desire” is a rule every smart guy like Andy knows. You want enthusiastic consent from a sex positive girl who into you, not a girl who is making you jump thru hoops. Girl plays that game, she’s only going to get a guy who hasn’t got better options and is willing to act in her frame. That’s not a great guy. The great guy will WALK and continue the search for Miss “Ride or Die” who just can’t help but want to have great sex together with him.
1000% agree. A man wanting test drive a woman's body before committing is offensive on so many levels!!
Love the passion you put in your answers...still listening 😘
I found your analysis for the woman who didn’t want to have sex outside of a relationship super interesting. I come from a more Christian background and most of the people I know would want a man to get in a relationship because they care about you and support you to be ready before having sex.
Sooooo…. It just sounds like they are from different worlds. For me, I need someone who could be patient. I wouldn’t play games with the definitions. But, if I wasn’t ready, I would want them to be comfortable waiting until I was. And if they needed a formal definition or I did (because of fear, background, having felt used in the past, etc.), I’d want either of us to be understanding of each other. Because it’s a journey.
I don’t think she should have sex with him. I think they should stop talking. If she feels sex is important, the risk of having sex and then him jetting would probably hurt too much. She may need someone who is more supportive in waiting and not feeling like it’s a problem. Go for someone with a secure attachment style. I know easier said than done.
But that’s my opinion, haha. From a random person on the internet, but I agree with the Shandy that it’s already been sullied… and also that if you disagree on this, there may be some big foundational issues in the future, too.
I guy y g7😊
Q4: Andy is 100% on the money. I think with age, you can have the ability to compartmentalize and not catch feelings. Michael sees this as only a kink, a fantasy, and having a kink and fantasy doesn't make him special. Sharleen gave great advice!
It never occured to me that a virgin young man or woman would be into kink sex. Without ever experiencing any sex whatsoever, how does one come to the realization that kink is needed? No judgement, just curious.
The internet
@@Naisy77 sure or maybe in her case, her mothers influence.
I hope you are 18+, but here is the answer: not all kinks involve penetrative sex. I actually think most kinks don't. Most are like a foreplay thing and it just sexually arouses the other person. Some people need their kink to be explored with their partner to climax or can climax off of the kink alone. The kink world is endless and penetrative sex is a small percentage of it.
@@AP-vo2mp Interesting. The more you know.
@Evie F I think we need to remember a virgin may have had every possible type of sex without actual intercourse. Sometimes women do this for pregnancy issues or people do it for religious purposes.
This is seriously my favorite podcast! You guys bring so much perspective to such complicated issues.
Re: the person whose brother and best friend were secretly dating, what would hurt me the most in that situation is knowing that I had probably been lied to during that time. Having a best friend means you're likely interacting regularly, which means the best friend would have had plenty of occasions to disclose her new relationship with the brother. The hurt and betrayal is real. This is messed up.
Such a great Q & A so far!
1 - Hit it & quit it!
2- I sooo relate to Sharleen with thinking about cancelling before meeting with family or friends & wanting to stay home. Then I usually end up going & have a good time! But that draw to stay home can be so strong sometimes!
3 - No heads up, especially before a family holiday gathering? THEY suck!
Andy, you cracked me up when you gave the example about someone breaking into your home while you are on vacation and eating all your food watching Netflix. Something similar happened to me! While my husband & I were on vacation we let my friend stay at our home. His aunt...who I had NEVER met showed up with her two daughters and two dogs and told my friend we would be ok with them staying there. My friend let them stay. After we got home, they stayed another week...until I told my husband they had to leave. Guess I am too nice too! LOL
The take on the age call is spot on. The guy is taking advantage of her.
I only ever knew about “pump and dump” in terms of pumping breastmilk after drinking alcohol and dumping it so the infant wouldn’t get alcohol when nursing. (Now it’s questioned whether that’s actually needed) Learned some new applications of the phrase today :)
Same here 😆
I totally agree with you Sharleen and Andy about Liz.
I vote for Dear Shandy to have an episode with Elizabeth Ep 174) and Wednesday/Saturday author. Captivating story tellers! I’m here for it. Anyone else?
I always listen to the very end. I like your jingle too much to miss hearing it
I agree with your take that the brother bringing the friend to the holidays situation was bs, but I also get a little kick out of the (probably clueless) brother thinking it would be a good idea to bring the friend since she already knows his sister. 😆
The final point about the first caller is the biggest issue. The "relationship" is soured. The sex has now been so built up it's doomed to be a disappointment. Would it even feel like it happened organically? She's going to expect a relationship after sex, and he's going to feel pressured to be in the relationship. Not to be too Andy about this, but the window of opportunity for unbiased sex is gone. This is a sad game of chicken and they both lost.
Pretty much. Leveraging sex to gain commitment is a fools game. All it says is “she’s not that into you” she sees relationships as largely transactional and last of all, she’s dumb.
The guy’s actually being pretty ethical. It would be super easy for him to lie that he wants commitment, have sex and then “ejaculate and evacuate”. If she can’t see that, she’s not very smart.
Another case of “if a woman makes you wait for sex, the sex is never worth it”. Better to walk, she’s not Miss “Ride or Die”. That’s what every guy wants. You give a girl 3-5 dates, if you’re not getting intimate by then, she’s not for you. Go find some girl who IS.
@@jleano609 You sound like a catch. :)
@@Freya-qu9wo my wife thinks so 😎
4 months after this was posted, I listened until the very end. Thanks for an awesome episode. Love Shandy! 💛
Also for Liz, part of the reason she feels so connected is created by the dynamic. Sub/Dom relationships basically create push pull hormones in (hopefully) safe environments. Yes, other relationships will feel weaker because they need time, but kink can be done with anyone.
ETA: Also it sounds like she's alone in a new area? This means he's her only in person support which isn't ideal - I don't hear her talking to friends who can help give her feedback.
Seriously! Some many people are Morally Corrupt and when someone doesn't want to be physical she is "holding out sex!" The chemistry is not there and she doesn't see any kind of relationship with this guy! He just needs to move on, he is not the one for her.
Me thinking “pump and dump” is a phrase used for newly nursing mommies who have some coffee/alcohol in their system and need to get it out before their child’s next feed 😅
That is what it is :)
And lastly, agree with your takes on 4 & 5! Also, just as I was thinking how I didn't notice Andy's socks this episode, he crossed his leg to show them! 🍌
Q2: Don't give strangers that much power. You can try meeting people in real life. That way, you have already met them in person and can get a better gauge of their impression. Shandy gave perfect advice.
Andy was so right on that brother and best friend drama. That was super selfish and uncalled for from them. Andy is so right
This was a great episode! Each situation was really distinct and unique, and you had passionate, well thought out answers for each one.
I listened to the end only because I came late and saw everyone's comments about listening to the end. But I'm already a subscriber so I don't need to listen to the end. 😉
Always love your Q&A episodes! 💗
I've heard pump and dump used for pumping breast milk after drinking alcohol and then dumping that milk because you wouldn't want to give that to a baby
Haha we've heard a lot about it over on Instagram. Duly noted! Looks like we've got 3 meanings (and counting?)
can we just talk about the leopard belt on the plaid? I thought it was just me...
Fashion Icon ❤
I love Andy's honesty about the
male ,"predator" (Sharlene's word) using the 23 year old.
I was listening at the end and did all the things ya'll
For Q4, I think the older guy is so enamored with her mainly because it’s a fetish/kink for him. For her it’s love I’m sure but the bond is mainly because you’re young, was a virgin and had little to no experience. That’s enticing for him. And she knows he’s not leaving his wife so she should just call it a day and just use the experience for what it was.
I love your podcast so much!! Listen every week, rarely comment.
I'm not sure where else "pump and dump" might be used, but I've always heard it in reference to breastfeeding. If a mom wants to eat or drink something the baby can't have, she will just, "pump and dump" before feeding the baby again. I've never heard of it as a stock market thing or a sex thing.
Sitting here literally pumping breastmilk right now... "pump and dump" to me means drinking alcohol and dumping your breastmilk! 😆
About how long it takes to get over someone, It depends on how long you’ve been holding on just bc you think it’s right or don’t want to let go, but deep down certain relationships you know has been long gone, some people just can’t deal with loneliness, and they keep staying in bc of that
For Q1, it’s not even about sex, it’s just clear they don’t have natural chemistry, and IMO life is too short to entertain things with someone you don’t have chemistry with. You don’t need to have sex to know that at all! And if you do have that chemistry, you can figure things out on the physical side (obviously with some further communication).
Q2: I thought to myself “that is borderline psychotic” a SPLIT second before Andy said the same thing
Q3: taking away anything related to the age gap/poly/kink thing. This is a situation of a first love that is SO special, but there’s something about it you know doesn’t work for you in the long term. We have ALL been there where we just wanted it to work with our first love no matter what, it’s absolutely unimaginable that anything could ever be better. But if you even have a slight inkling that you might need to find something else, you need to just do it. You need to try it. Something thing made me think of was Monica in Friends breaking up with Richard because he was older and didn’t want to have kids anymore. It was a devastating break up where they still very much loved each other, but Monica knew for this fundamental thing she wanted in life that she needed to end things. And then she found Chandler. As someone who straight up told my friends they were wrong when they told me I’d love again after my high school sweetheart dumped me, I know it’s not easy, but I really really hope she takes your advice into account.
To me, the caller dating an older married man said the most revealing thing when she said she wanted a life partner. Michael is not her life partner and she is a side piece. For the first caller, If you have a date and something comes up, then you immediately contact the other person and express regret. The caller is correct to think he might be lying. The chance is higher when she was the one who contacted him and then he bailed. He had already brushed her off and she could just wait to see if he reschedules. I just think that another, shiny thing came up.
i’m still listening!
Me, too!
Oh ma gawsh Sharleen's teeth are just GORGEOUS
Oh my goodness, it looks like she cut her hair the way she has it styled. Love this podcast!
I thought “pump and dump” was from breastfeeding while nursing mom decides to drink!
I thought pump and dump was breast milk related. Shows how much I know!!!
Ok.. I think the guy was anyways a player in high school and she knows his history, and she wants to commitment but she knows he still won’t commit as he is just using his “high card” to convince her to have sex. #rungirlrun
Pump and dump is also a breastfeeding thing lol. Pumping and dumping breastmilk after drinking alcohol
pump and dump is when you stop at a gas station on a road trip
Q1: If it isn't an emphatic "yes", then it is a "no".
Pump and dump is stopping on a road trip to get gas and going the bathroom!
👏
Hahaha aaaand we have our 4th meaning! Andy and I just had a good laugh over this one 😂
@@dearshandy I laughed out loud over this too. 🤣
Still listening
I have only known pump&dump as a sexual thing, but I prefer hit-it&quit-it.
Pump and dump is also a breastfeeding term.
I Completely agree with you both in regards to the age difference question. No judging here either! It’s not the kink I have any issue with…it’s the lopsidedness of their relationship.
I’m not sure she is going to take your advice either, BUT I hope she heard you Sharlene when you said “she shouldn’t feel like this is true love, if she only seeing him ONCE a week!! AND it’s seemingly Only for sex!
When you said that Sharlene I immediately felt awful for her. (I felt badly before but that hit home!) Hopefully it hits home for her too! If you feel like once a week Great sex is love…😢😢😢
But of course she feels like she’s in love, she is 23 AND this is her first relationship!!!
I wouldn’t have such an issue if this was a young man she was dating - he might not know any better?? But a 53 year old man with a lifetime of experience…does! Or at least he should. And If he truly loves her - he should be insisting, at the very least…that she should be dating others!!! (He is!!! ) he’s married!
If he deeply truly cared about her - he should be insisting she have a life outside of this to grow and flourish.
he has a whole full life and she is sitting waiting for her once a week with him 😢 Shocking of him.
Thank you both for being so passionate about this…It’s very important and I hope against hope that she listens to you. Now and not in ten years 😢
Re: Shitty best friend/brother conundrum
I'm embarrassed to admit that I was once in a similar situation, where I started dating one of my close friends' colleague without giving her a heads up first. When my friend found out, the insults and profanity that she directed towards me were so aggressive that they made me lose sleep at night. For a long time, I genuinely couldn't understand her rage: Sure he's her colleague and they're also friends, sure a heads up from me would've been ideal, but had I really committed a crime so unforgivable and offensive that warranted such a violent response?
(My friend already had a serious boyfriend who she'd been with for 3 years at the time; so it wasn't like there was a budding romance between her and her colleague.)
Needless to say, our friendship ended because of this (I eventually had to block her because the verbal abuse went on in spite of my apologies). In retrospect, telling my friend in advance would've been the right thing to do, but I do not regret having kept my relationship with her colleague a secret until things got more serious even though the relationship did not last, because he was my soulmate.
Sorry just confused - you say the relationship with the colleague didnt last, even though he was your soulmate? And also, what do you think would have happened if you told your friend - it would jinx it somehow?
@@krokat218 The relationship ended because I was young, got scared and didn't want to make a bigger commitment. It was an amicable breakup and I'll always look back at that relationship with fondness.
My friend found out about us when we were only a month in; at that time, we weren't keeping the relationship from my friend, we were keeping it from everyone (including our families and closest friends). We were going to wait till we were "sure" about each other before making the relationship public.
Not a parent but my mind immediately associates "pump & dump" with breastfeeding...perhaps multiple meanings?
I think the sexual term is "hump and dump"
That makes sense but I’ve only ever heard “pump and dump”! 🤷🏻♀️ I find it hilarious how this has become the focal point of this Q&A 😂
Me, listening at the end, be a subscriber, liker, and Dear Shandy evangelist to my friends
Lol, I thought "pump and dump " was when a lactating mom drinks alcohol then pump and dumps the breast milk in between so baby don't drink it. 😂
Q2 - If a man cancels on a woman, I'd say about 30% of the time he's bs'ing as generally, men do not cancel dates.
If a woman cancels, on the other hand, I'd say about 70% of the time, it's bs. Generally speaking, and from experience.
Word watch: 3
Yes!
Q3 reminds me of a situation I was in but with more distant friends, not family. My old roommate introduced me to a guy friend of hers who I ended up hitting it off with. We started privately seeing each other & I didn’t want to tell the ex roommate right away because she was closer friends to my ex boyfriend than she was to me. She found out a few weeks later, sooner than I would have liked and I thoroughly apologized & brought her dinner but the damage was done? Idk it was bazaar to me, I like to be 100% sure about someone before I start telling people I’m dating them 🤷🏻♀️
But I imagine if you were joining a party together that she was hosting or attending, I’m sure you’d give her a head’s up… I personally think the family Christmas party crashing really made this strange.
Pump and dump is a breastfeeding term. 😂
Like if you drink alcohol you can pump it out and throw it out to get it out of your breasts before feeding again.
yeah to not pass alcohol to the baby! I feel so old that I didn’t know this version of pump and dump 😅
The big age difference girl needs to understand that it isn't love for him. If you told him you didn't want to have sex with him he would be gone and that is not real love.
And here I thought pump and dump was what breast-feeding mothers did after a bender.
Oooofffff Michael, if he has kids, they’d be her age. ICK. Another layer of no. I’d never date/have sex with anyone my kids’ age. I hope she got smart and walked away.
Ohhhh M.. or is it Liz). This was difficult to hear and gave off definite groomer vibes. There is not just an age difference issue. Groomers make you feel like you NEED them. Please free yourself! You will find someone or a few men that you will be able to connect with!!
I personally think the Sister is being over the top about her friend dating the brother. She is entitled to one apology and one explanation, nothing more. She also needs to realise they are adults, they don't need permission.
No she should not be pissed off once they apologized, people apologize once. If you are still mad, then you clearly don't want them dating and need to realise their relationship has nothing to do you.
She should accept it and set a boundary "You two are dating, fine but I don't want to hear about anything negative, if things go sour leave me out of it. Don't ask me for advice." And her "I'm still upset" will mean they could break up just to appease her, does she want to be the one to blame?
I literally don't see a problem and was shocked by their reaction lol
Sharleen says "he's a guy and doesn't consider others feelings" I think it's more like guys wouldn't be so emotionally damaged from this and wouldn't expect anyone to cater to their feelings.
Showing up to dinner randomly did make it weird but imo it's a funny story that you can tease them about and thats as far as it goes.
ok but, why is a virgin on a kink website ? someone who has *never had sex* is seeking out the KINK community (which is by definition not for everyone), without knowing what sex is even LIKE, let alone how she reacts to it emotionally or wants from it specifically? her entire situation sounds like someone who got in over her head. and sorry but I can't help but raise my eyebrow regarding her mom, who should've known better that her daughter is too inexperienced to dive head first into the deep end, regardless of how well it's worked out for her. (can't help but wonder if this girl partook in "kink" because it was an identity she was eager to subscribe to, even if blindly.) yeeeeesh. bravo to shandy's answer!!
ps: SHOCKED to be told that sharleen is a good liar!! (andy, no surprises. lol.)
Caller #1 - Andy is giving the basic "guy rules" for good relationships
If a woman makes you wait for sex the sex is never worth it.
Women break their own rules when they really like a guy
Women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of relationship.
You cannot negotiate desire.
You can't "leverage" sex OR relationships. Both people have to be equally "stoked" for both. Unless you have clear religious "wait until marriage" expectations, no guy who wants sex within a relationship should enter said relationship on a murky timescale. That's just poor frame, says you have lack of options as a man and are willing to put the girl's needs above your own. No woman actually wants a guy like that and she'll subconsciously disrespect you for that and her attraction will likely DROP over time, not increase. Plus as a guy you are going to act goofy and start trying to qualify to her, chasing the box. Or making a game of it. So you can't do it, you've got to WALK. It's the only high value move.
P.S I'm not talking hypotheticals here - I lived this when very young, age 20. Dated a girl who I loved very much for a year who told me she wasn't ready for PIV. Always very reticent of sex and intimacy in general in fact. I just thought she needed time. What she actually needed was a different dick, I was just an "accessory BF" for her. Which I found out when she cheated on me 24 hours after meeting another guy. She gave him all that she withheld from me - he was her "soulmate" apparently. No, he was just a player who pumped and dumped one month in. 🤨
And that ladies, is why the guy rules above exist. a good man has to WALK when faced with Ms. "making him wait".
Nope, men think that a woman who puts out right away is "easy" and must have a high body count.
Liz sounds like his submissive, and he’s dominant and maybe her Master. It’s Very common - in the kink community - for young women to be with the most experienced and coveted man. So, this relationship Isn’t even the kind of relationship she’ll Have with another guy her age…if she just ‘lives her life’. What she gets from being a submissive is Such a high……that Nothing else will be like it. She is So vulnerable with him, the closeness they feel is primal. Giving that up will be like stopping drugs. 😩 Also, Sharleen, this Isn’t just about a weekly play date; that energy continues via text - so when she’s not with him she’s still in the submissive/Master headspace. This isn’t a sugar daddy situation - primarily at least.
Aaannnddd, if she wants to continue as a sub in the kink community, she’s Much safer with someone old enough to have experience. The younger guys often have no idea what they’re doing and are just dangerous and are just in it for their own power and pleasure only.
Older men who do this with virgins do not respect being a master though in my experience. They often ignore the safety requirements for kink and leave the woman when something shinier comes along or she says no.
I've been a sub in a few relationships, this situation is not worth it and is rarely safe for the young women in these contexts.
If it was 25 and 40 I wouldn't be so concerned, but early 20s virgin is such a fucking thing for this type of men. Yes, younger guys can be not as good Doms, but they are more likely to actually respect her.
@@thenopedetective Yup. I completely agree. I hope she isn’t wrecked by this guy. 😪
Let me preface this first in that while I feel that you produce a good podcast and watch it once in awhile, I feel there is something you should think about. Doing this kind of podcast means that you are asking ppl to believe that you have the knowledge & background to give advice on many topics. However you have not been transparent enough to back that up. We know quite a bit about Sharleen but why no info on Andy. What is or was his career? What does he do besides this? And you speak of your age difference but wont say what it is. While giving advice and discussing specifics of your listeners relationships. These omissions diminish your credibility, in my opinion.
They’ve both shared quite a bit about themselves through many episodes, including their exact age gap. I don’t think Andy’s career is necessarily info for this podcast, unless he’s a therapist of some sort, which he explicitly states he’s not.
Andy, please add the caveat to your mind that you don't have the authority to speak on behalf of the human race. I love you - and this was a WONDERFUL episode - but you also haven't lived long enough nor have you experienced enough life to be so adamant with your arguments. You don't have a clue about what the older guy was getting out of it, and you CERTAINLY don't have a clue about what Liz may be getting. So rigid, man. Take a chill pill and stick with being funny. Sorry. Not sorry.
Errrrm, last I checked it’s their podcast. The whole point is for people to write in to get their opinions, which is exactly why this person wrote in... And, they have every right to judge this situation. It’s kinda fucked up.
Oof. Not a good look to get so defensive about this particular question/answer. And there's way more to Andy than just being funny!
Seems like you're too worried about the older man, while they were concerned about the WOMAN who wrote in. Don't project. If it was that important, she would've included it in the email.
It's pretty obvious what the older guy was getting out of it lol
If I've learned anything in my 76-years on the planet, it's that many of the things I "just knew" at 36 became folly by 76. Andy's view will change, I believe, as he ages. You argue "projection", which is a bullshit psychobabble term to describe anything a person says that is counter to that which is assumed to be "normal". We are all as different as snowflakes but still snowflakes. If I'm projecting, what about Andy? Surely, he doesn't KNOW about everybody, so the best he can do is offer his opinion, which I believe to be missing information that can only be gained through experience. Younger people argue that experience is overrated, which always produces a smile and a head shake. Isn't that y'all projecting? As I aged, my entire view of women and their needs changed, even to the point where nutting is irrelevant, and a young woman who has experienced this starts any new relationship a mile ahead of her contemporaries, because she knows what's possible for her. It's not all black and white, predator versus prey. If you don't think I'm right, just wait. Much love to you all.
I think the obvious answer to question #1 is she should let him go down on her. He will definitely know if there will be compatibility. Come on shandy… that was obvious. 😂