I still remember a time when I was ten and finally cleaned my room after much nagging by my mom. She took me to my doorway, and told me to look at how well I did each part of the task, how nice it looked, and to appreciate how much more pleasant it was to be in there and be able to find things. I continue to have that satisfaction with common tasks, and I’m 75.
Thank you for sharing this personal moment ❤️ Your story is inspiring and shows that the way we share appreciation can have an incredibly long impact, gets me excited to do the same for my child/anyone in my life.
As a "gifted" child (literally just a little brighter than average), I was so obsessed with being praised. It was awful when I got to high school and struggled as much as anyone else. I felt like I wasn't smart anymore. It took years to learn that my school grades aren't my self worth. Now that I have a toddler it is so hard to find things to say other than "good job." He amazes me every day, but I don't want him to feel the pressure that I did. My favorite things to say are "You worked hard on that," "You did it by yourself!" "You should feel proud of how hard you tried." It's taken so much unlearning. This was a great video, thank you.
This is good, I have a gifted child that HATES to fail and so creating opportunities for him to fail is hard but also needed. I agree it’s tough to not say “good job” so we will work on this but I’ve noticed him loving praise.
I’m taking notes on this because my toddler is gifted and already “feeds” off of being praised, and we do praise him often. So like I said def taking notes!! Thanks for your comment.
Same here.! My 5yo is literally like a mini adult, everyone is constantly commenting how intelligent he is and praising him. I always use those phrases you mentioned like "You worked so hard on that!" And I tell him that challenging himself is extremely important and even more important than doing well in math and reading. I agree that it is very hard to unlearn, I still have trouble with disciplining myself and procrastination because my parents always said I was smart and doing fine.
The "you did that all by yourself, I'm impressed" is a good one though. I worked in childcare for a long time and it's difficult to be creative and individually responsive to each thing a child does well though. Sometimes "good job" is the best I can do too 🤦♀️. My younger sister was a gifted child. She had this SUPER annoying educational toy called the Talking Scholar and when she got answers right it would say in a creepy robot voice "you are right". She got so addicted to hearing the robot voice saying that phrase, she learned exactly which buttons to push on the toy so she wouldn't even hear the questions, JUST this horrible dystopian "you are right, you are right, you are right". Eventually the toy broke...and she had the most epic meltdown I'd ever seen. I wish my parents had addressed that issue...at all...because she had such a challenging time later on in college when she was surrounded by people who were not only gifted, but WAY smarter than she was.
6:08 Don't say anything 6:59 Acknowledge process, not outcome 7:20 Praise for things they can control (effort, attitude, responsibilty, commitment, decision making, compassion, generosity or respect. 8:15 Ask questions 8:35 Describe what you see (you did it!, how do you feel about what you just did?) 9:32 Thank them 9:49 Oppertunity to grow from their setbacks Thank you for the video! I felt like you repeated yourself and the video starts at around 5 min mark.
Moral of the story do not just merely give compliments to your child rather give feedback that causes the child to reflect on what they learnt from performing the very exercise, that way the child learns to treat every activity as a learning curve and not a performance based activity ❤
Basically, you don’t want to turn your child into a dog whose end goal is to only looking for that treat after performing the task. Make the growing & learning process the treat & they’ll continue both all their life.
Kids need balance they do need to hear they did a good job. They will end up thinking nothing they do is good enough. These experiments are set ups based on lies and tricking children.
@YaH_Gives_Wisdom former gifted kid who got lots of priase for being smart and speical here, yes. Ive had to unlearn a lot. It's all about the process and the struggle and the effort to overcome the challenge. I wish my parents had seen things like this.
@@rosemarietolentino3218i think i'll do it too, i have the se se sensation that "great, you can improve and you can do it" can work wery well together
I know this is a video about parenting, but this has made me re-think how I give feedback to everyone in my life. It's such a small thing but sometimes it's the little things that helps encourage people to gain the confidence to step out of their comfort zone, whether they're 7, 27, or 70. P.S. I have no children of my own but clicked on the video hoping to learn something new. Very glad I did.
I spoke with a therapist about how effective positive reinforcement is with adults, like going out of your way to thank your partner for house chores can encourage them to continue helping, and it can help perpetuate a lot of positive behavior in those around you no matter the age 👍
I think that empty praises arises from not having enough time to dedicate to your children! I am a grandma now and I realized I have time to listen to my grandchild and when ever she shows me something for example a drawing: I take the time to ask her… what is it? This looks like water? Is it? She says yes and I ask: is it a lake or the ocean? Are they fish on it ? And ask questions about what she did why she decided to do that drawing… are you happy about the colors ? I noticed she draw a sun … I asked about the sunny day… I don’t feel that you necessarily need to praise them all the time! Some times yes but all the time no, because they will not be praised all the time in real life ! Acknowledgement is what they need more than constant praise!
I love your comment here. I feel like my mom never bothered to get past her “good job, now hush and scram” pat-on-the-head brush-off you mention here. Now that I’m grown she has no idea what I do for a living, where I live or how, who any of my friends are, and whether she’s a grandmother or not … because me telling her about my life has always been a waste of her very precious time, so I stopped speaking to her
Many parents seem lazy in parenting. As a former teacher of 9 -11 year olds I think some of this is due to mothers having to work outside the home to make ends meet. Subsequently, they may be exhausted. But there are also less excusable reasons and I also saw plenty of that. And of course fathers hold equal responsibility. Choose a partner wisely and consider not having children at all.
I find that too - the thing I can give my grandkids is time. I’m just not as busy as their parents are! Retirement is great. Time and attention are my specialty. And of course I love spending time with them too.
I read through many of the comments on this video and compiled a list of things we can say to our children instead of, "Good job!" (includes suggestions from the video itself): -You worked hard on that! -Thank you for helping me! -You must have worked so hard to get that score! -Simply notice what they did, like: "I see that you cleaned up the blocks!" -You did it! -You did it by yourself! -You figured it out! -You didn't give up! -It must've felt good to _______! -That took a lot of patience! -That was a brave decision! -How do you feel about what you just did? -How did you think of that/come up with that idea? -How does/did that feel? -That looks like it was fun! -Did you enjoy it? -What do you like about it? -What was your favorite part about ____? -You should feel proud of how hard you worked! -How did it feel to share? -You were so considerate to share with your brother! -He smiled when you shared with him! -That's very creative! -Do you like your drawing? -What do you like about your drawing?
I'm a pianist studying at Juilliard but grew up in a house where neither of my parents knew anything about classical music. For a while I thought this was a disadvantage, but coming out of this research I see where actually was the bedrock of my intrinsic motivation and growth mindset, because I wasn't looking for their approval, understanding, or interest in what I was doing, the challenges I was facing, or the obstacles I was overcoming, it was all me.
Wow. My daughter is in high school and is a bassist who plays classical and I know nothing about classical music. Thank you for this comment. I was so worried I wouldn't know how to help her with no musical ability. She aspires to study at Julliard as well.
Had the complete opposite experience. Im an artist and my parents didnt ever give me praise for my artistic efforts (I had the gift but I also worked very hard on being better) They did however tell me how intelligent I was. Constantly. I strived for intelligence over art eventually. Now that I'm an adult I focus on my art again. My mom has become much more understanding in her old age and now I feel more comfortable being an artist. (My youngest brother went to montessori so she eventually learned alongside him)
I used to say (a ing other things) “hard work pays off”. I raised a daughter who went blind in one eye and had a retinal detachment in the other, so after surgery that eye was covered with bandages. Woke up the first night post-op and instead of asking for help, talked herself to the bathroom by saying (referring to a blind friend) “if Rita can do it, I can do it”.
As a mother, aunt, teacher, I would ask, “How does that feel?” Increases self-awareness, they self-reflect and begin to notice how they feel about their own efforts and results.
Yes. 🙌🏻 I also like to say, “that looks like it was fun!” And, “what do you really like about it?” It gets them talking about it instead of just asking for my praise.
This is such a simplified view that it hurts. I know many parents who takes this advice literally and stop complimenting their kids and also stop giving any negative feedback. This causes kids to have no clue at all on how to behave and they turn into horrible brats. You should communicate your emotions clearly, and if you like their progress you should say so. But yes, always praise progress and tell them you understand the struggle they went through to get it.
I was praised as a child for being so intelligent. School was so easy for me that i was often bored. I of course got into college but when i encountered challenges i thought i was just bad at it and so i would drop it and just quit. Still as an adult anything challenging that doesn't come easily to me feels like it wasn't meant to be and that's such a terrible way to look at life. I feel paralyzed and unable to make steps towards anything because I'm terrified of difficulty and failure.
me too tho, kinda make sense where did I get my feeling of failures coming from and scared to try new things bc I don't want to look bad in front of ppl.
i feel this as well, i fear most things in anticipation of a potential failure :,) its very frustrating and somewhat debilitating at times, makes you realize how difficult it is to get out of your own head at times.
Oy, yes. I was in my 40s before it finally occurred to me that the invisible judge and jury looking over my shoulder at every turn only existed in my head. I wish I had figured it out sooner, but better late than never. 🙂 For the most part, the people around us are also struggling with their self-created judge and jury, so are not paying attention to you at all. And if they are trying to "evaluate" you, it's always to try to make themselves feel better. They have to work that one out for themselves. Once you flick that weight off your own shoulders, you will be so busy with your own life, you will barely notice someone sticking their nose in. And, if they do, you can just ignore it, because it's them trying to justify their own existence. Nothing to do with you, really. Haha, I was the same, school-wise. I breezed through high school, then got a rude awakening in college. I had to learn how to study for the first time. But, hey, you have your own life to live. You don't belong to anyone else's to-do list, even if they think you do. If you can turn off the "what will they think" habit, you will be free to just do. You can't have a skill until you develop it. No one pops into the world with their adult skill sets already in place. And learning new skills should be an adventure of gradual discovery, not a frustration that you haven't already mastered the new skill. If someone else has an issue with your process, then too bad. But I think you will find that the perceived issue with the process is self-created. I sure found that out about myself!
I was never given praise of any sort from my single parent mum. She only ever criticised every little imperfection. I was so afraid to make a mistake that I would avoid trying even if I could have done it. I was a natural dancer and pursued it as a career. That was the only thing my mum ever used to praise me for in front of other people. I hated it because it took no effort on my part, it was easy. I wanted her to praise me for my excellent grades, effort and diligence in my school work. For me, any praise would have been better than none. Edit: As a mature woman now, I have learnt that other people's opinion of you doesn't matter, it's what you feel about yourself that counts. Self esteem grows with small accomplishments that snowball into greater ones. The lesson is not to repeat the pattern with your own children or others. Give praise where praise is due and ignite the little light that dwells within that soul. 💖
Same here. I'm sorry you had to put up with that. Growing up with a narcissistic mother is heartbreaking. I was deprived of any acknowledgement or encouragement. The only kind of praise I'd get is through them comparing me to others or that whatever I did was because of them. They would say something about me especially in front of others as if I was their trophy. This video is informative ❤ maybe this can help heal the relationship with self ❤
I think the Montessori take on praise, is about being so conscious and respectful of your child’s needs that you make them secure and not needful of outside approval. What you’re describing sounds like emotional neglect.
Same here. I never received one word of praise or encouragement and to this day struggle with any kind of confidence at all. Hearing “Good job” now and then couldn’t possibly have been detrimental.
Same here. My parents never gave me any praise and now I turned into an anxious adult always seeking for validation and people pleaser. I wish my parents would validate my effort a little bit, I would be so happy and relaxed at least :(
I agree so much, I would receive criticism a lot from my mom, but little to no praise. What you said absolutely highlight the life of my life. It does help for not me being so sensitive, but I just feel numb and feel like crying every time on the inside. My mom would constantly just shout everytime she sees a tear in my eye that "I'll be fired by my boss once I get my career, and you are lucky to always be shouted at so you wont be sensitive". You're not wrong, but you wronged me. Every time she "comforts" me back when I was a child, she would always be saying I'm using an excuse. Now, she always try to calm me down, because I achieve so much now. I feel so frustrated and pissed at her, where was she doing my early youth? If I ever hear praise, it does turn a light on me, but it feels so weird...I remember just my mom saying that "you like hearing praise instead of criticism because you cry" well yes but you made me not like criticism NOR praise. Sorry this comment turned into a vent haha. It's better to vent it out then bottle it up. Don't worry, I have learned to appreciate my own accomplishments and I shouldn't care if they are proud of not to me, because I'm my own person and I'm only a best friend of myself. To the comments above, I'm sorry you went through it, I hope you are doing okay right now. Keep on battling, it won't bother you forever.
I’ve been working on this with my 1 year old. I tend to just state what she did in a non-judgmental way. “You cleaned up the blocks!” “You brushed your hair!” Not sure if that’s really the right thing to do but I feel like it also helps with her language skills since I’m giving her the language to express what she’s doing/done.
That's what I've done with my kids and they are older now and I think it's worked well. Not obsessed with getting praised, very intrinsically motivated, and yet they still feel like I am very interested in what they're doing and they like to show me. But if I'm busy or not there, it doesn't ruin their experience at all. When I care for children who are accustomed to so much praise all the time, they're driven to prompt me to evaluate every little thing they do. It's exhausting 😫! "See how I cut the paper? Did I do a good job? Will you do it for me? Does this look cute? Do you like this? Is this how I use the glue? Did you see how I put the lid back on? Did I do it right?" Listen, kid, you're not doing me a favour by making this craft, so if you're not enjoying it for itself, why are we even doing this?!? That's what I want to say, but I don't. Even adults enjoy the observation kind of praise better than a generic "good job". I accidentally did it a lot to my sister on the weekend, and she's told me that I must come with her to her workplace and make my comments there to improve the vibe. 🤣 (Just things like "that marshmallow is so evenly toasted!" or "You made this fire really quickly, it must have worked on the first try!")
I do Piano lessons for students, and I see this anxiety in children every day. Feeling the need to make me happy can really make things hard for them, especially when they think they have done well and it's wrong. i think that the video made some very valid points on how we over-complement when all we need to do is acknowledge their effort. I think what she is saying they need to learn to acknowledge themselves and their own accomplishments .. Independence comes from their
As a grandparent and retired teacher, I agree with the spirit of this video. As adults, we need to vary our praise and encouragement to our children as well as other adults. We all enjoy being recognized, but hearing the same things becomes meaningless quickly.
I think your take resonates with me the most. To this day (at 50), my mom gives exaggerated praise for anything. Regardless of effort or outcome. So it has the reverse effect and actually makes me angry and embarrassed.
What I understood: 1. Don't say good job 2. Acknowledge Process, Not Outcome 3. Direct praises towards effort, attitude, decision making, generosity, responsibility and commitment 4. Ask questions (Do you like the painting you made? rather than saying good job) 5. Say Thank You when they help you 6. Let's see what you did, Let's see what can be done (when child is frustrated and is unable to complete a task) What I did so far: 1. I provided my praises when my kid looked at me after they achieve something after many tries 2. I appreciated them when they helped me 3. I said You can do it when they had second thoughts.
No all, thank you very much. "All" is almost always a poor choice. "Totally" also almost always a poor choice. Well done using 2 poor choices in a single sentence.
I get it. I think my step-mom had OCPD. She was kind of a "Mommy Dearest" type. She would hover over me while I was doing chores, screaming at me for not doing it "right", but never telling what the "right" way was, just that I was bad at it not using "enough elbow grease". I have zero recollection of anyone sitting down with me helping me with homework ever in my life. Homework was like being grounded to your room, screamed at until you were crying, and then left alone to do the actual homework. I'm middle-aged, in therapy, on meds, have a full roster of great doctors for all my needs, have a great job, but an OCPD manager that I have to navigate like I'm a ninja, and occasionally I catch myself saying "I'm glad I'm alive" or "I think I'm happy", and those are unfamiliar sensations to begin having. These seemingly small moments a person might have as an adult, can be huge, life-defining moments for a child.
@@MrWaterbugdesignWell done being cruel in one comment, for no apparent reason other than trying to boost a sagging self esteem by cutting down a total stranger. 🧌
I work at a big community services center and I hear "Good Job!" on a daily basis, from parents, caregivers and educators, more times than I can count. I also see its corrosive effects first hand. On top of everything you mentioned, there's also something saccharine and condescending about it. It feels false and placating to me. On those occasions when I have to interact with kids, I always try to talk through things with them and, if the interaction requires praise, then I think of what I'd say to a peer in the same situation (usually "Thank you") and I say that. I've noticed that they really seem to respond well to that kind of treatment. Glad to have this video for vindication. Thanks.
Praising "wisely" is key. I worked in preschool before raising my six kids. I was around so many "empty praisers" in the preschool world I learned to give specific and natural feedback, and also learned that it's okay sometimes to say nothing at all. I tried to affirm effort over outcome. It is tricky with different personalities but I think everyone appreciates his or her effort being recognized, even if it didn't lead to "success."
This makes perfect sense to me, I was made to feel I wasn't good enough and couldn't do anything right as a child, I'm the last of 6 children and everything was blamed on me, I went on to become the most skilled and financially successful in my family and now they all depend on me. Not praising me pushed me to be better than those who received praises HOWEVER, it could've been done in such a way that didn't leave me traumatized.
I love this. I don’t have kids but it’s helping me realize why I am the way I am. I would say instead of saying “you did it!” Ask if they enjoyed doing it… Because then they might start looking at things as a means to an end.
I love that question. I often ask my nephews/niece what they liked about it, or how they came up with the idea to do that. I love hearing them explain and be proud of their work.
At first I was watching this thinking, “Then what the heck am I supposed to say and do?!” but this all makes sense to me. I realize as a child I could be much more interested in what everyone else thought of my work instead of doing it for myself and my own growth. To this day I have to practice being okay with simply enjoying my own progress alone. Thanks. Subscribed.
My daughter is just over 1 and I like to say “you did it!” And I’ll change as she gets older. I want her to feel confidence in what she does so I try to clarify that SHE did it! Whatever it is. And yes I’m so excited to change to “wow, that was hard but you did it” or “you’re so good at ____!”
I’m homeschooling and I need to change my ways. I noticed yesterday that my youngest keeps asking did I do a great job. So I’m going to use your tips here 👏🏾👏🏾
I’m a grandmother now so I really appreciate this advice. This really makes sense. I noticed the “good job” thing really took off in the 80s or 90s. I noticed that many born in the past 30 years tend to look outwardly for praise or compliments. Social media exasperated this trend. Thank you for the video. I will put this into use and share it. 😊😊😊
This just gives me even more respect for my parents. There is so much nuance to raising kids, and one could say that this is all common sense - and yes it should be. But it's an art and a science, all born from empathy and intuition. Two things humans tend to lack. Thank you for explaining all of this so well! 💚🙏🏻🕊
I like this in theory, but for kids whose love language is words of affirmation, hearing encouragement that just falls short of being proud of our kids and letting them know it can cause unintended harm than doing the good this approach promotes.
I love this! However the phrase “hard work” is one I avoid and use “ challenging work”, based on the energy. What you say is what the universe sends your way. If you always say work hard, that’s what you’ll always get, more “Hard” work. Challenging work, insinuates the ability to try without feeling overwhelmed.
"Challanging work" sound very good, because it describes the situation as it is. The fokus is not put artificially on the person/ child, but what needs to be done / solved gets attention.
Im just halfway to be agreed. I think kids need to hear that they "did good" as well. Just maybe not that often and on any occassion. But I think not hearing it is also sad in some way. Recognition from the patent is one of the most important things for the child. Although I agree that it is important to explain to kids that they do things for themselves,not for the appraisal of parents. But still,every kid longs to hear words like "youre the best","you did well","I am proud of you". I think its also important what we teach them to do during difficult times. Are we there for them. Do we listen and not judge. Can we have the patience even if something seems obvious to us. Thats a huge part of Montessori that contributes to the success of the children, because Montessori emphasises to concentrate on kids progress not on the pace. I think we have to bear that in mind that probably its not just down to say or not to say a few words that makes the difference.
I agree we can find the happy medium. It all depends on the child, and the adult meeting them where they are. Giving encouragement and recognition when needed.
I think a lot of adults are watching this realizing they grew up with a fixed mindset/parent/people pleaser mindset. This video is of great help to being an adult.
6:59 Acknowledge process, not outcome 7:20 Praise for things they can control (effort, attitude, responsibilty, commitment, decision making, compassion, generosity or respect. 8:15 Ask questions 8:35 Describe what you see (you did it!, how do you feel about what you just did?) 9:32 Thank them 9:49 Oppertunity to grow from their setbacks Thank you for the video!
Nah. Kids need parenting from parents. Quality time means teaching, caring, nurturing time...Kids need parents. Not just emotional overgrown “siblings.”
It’s eye opening. As a kid I thrived off of praise and was on honor roll , Straight A student, in advanced classes, etc. When I got accepted into a high school for gifted students and was supposed to be in AP classes, I was scared I wasn’t going to be as smart as all the other advanced students, so I opted for regular classes which were too easy. During that time my parents were fighting and separated and I stopped receiving praise. I withdrew and started skipping classes and by my Senior year, I missed so many classes, I almost didn’t graduate. I did that because I was no longer being fed praise, so I stopped trying. I was never doing it for myself. I find myself over praising my 4 year old daughter now and she doesn’t seem to want to do anything without seeking my approval and praise for it. She is constantly asking me if she did good or did I like it. I am truly seeing the pattern now. It gives me an opportunity to correct that behavior now.
This is absolutely true. I grew up in such an environment. I was always praised by mother and sibling for the work I did. Now, years later I always need😢 someone to appreciate me on daily basis and I feel worthless when nobody does. And I always complain to my husband for not appreciating me always. I have a 1 year old baby, I always appreciate her thinking that’s correct. But, after watching the videos I understood it’s my mistake. Thanks a lot for this precious video.
I will always remember, when I was about 8 years old, I had a very difficult time with mathematics. I studied so hard and worked so much, but I failed often. Every time I took a test and failed, my mother would take me to a pastry shop and buy me a treat (she did it when I passed the test, too). Whenever I tell this story, people are weirded out, because they say my mother was rewarding me for failing. She wasn't, though, she was rewarding me for having tried my best, even if I failed, and I knew that and always gave it my best shot. She always told me that what mattered is that I tried my best, even if it was difficult for me. In the end I went to college and have a good job, and I am so thankful to her for helping me do that every step of the way.
I have no children but educated them for twenty years. I could recognise how parents brought up their kids by the child’s behaviour towards praise & no praise and how well ( or not) the parents did during parent - teacher meetings. I give praise to you for caring about how you compliment your daughter. More parents need to watch this video! Thank you for sharing. Your child is lucky to have you as a mum. 👏👏👏🥰
14 September 2023. My daughter is about to turn 28. I haven’t ever really understood why she has anxiety. This video has hit me hard. It explains so much about how misguided parenting was in the late 90’s. Everything was praised but not like this. She is now a teacher of young children and I am embarking on helping some 6 year olds. This should save me from repeating my mistakes. I am so grateful for your effort in putting this together. Thank you.
I never counted myself but I think I say good job to my son more than 20 times a day (at least! Lol). It's going to take a while for me to incorporate this but I'm going to give it a go. Love your videos thanks girl
This aligns so well with my instincts as a caretaker. I still feel weird about the inflated praise I continue to receive as a young adult, and the culture of the daycare center where I work involves so much inflated praise that it has pushed my interactions with the kids in the same direction. This is great inspiration to get back to what I know is right. Thanks for a great video!
I grew up in the era of over-praising. Now I am a parent and I aim to give my girls positive feedback. Validation should come from within and challenges are there for your growth.
I absolutely agree 💯 These were one of my observations when I got to university. The kids who performed great in high school n weren’t doing so great in varsity were super hard on themselves when they weren’t achieving their usual high grades. The average ones were always optimistic.. even a fail would encourage them to do better. Whilst the smart kid would see the fail as the end of the world.. this is where your depression, anxiety, dropping out would start
I failed a milestone o’level exam at school (age 14) which meant I could not progress to the advanced level course. I am very happy to report that it did not dent my lifelong interest in this subject.
The first time a child helped me clean up, I was so shocked I exclaimed, “good girl.” Then I had a little talk with myself and noted that she doesn’t have the schema to understand that it is a chore and making a big deal about it makes it a lightbulb memory instead of just a helpful act. It also reinforces the behavior as exemplary when it should be deemed natural. Also, as you mentioned, they will then look to be praised for every act, which is unhealthy as it increases anxiety to always be good and unsustainable because if you neglect to comment they may think they are not being good. They might even become dependent on your approval of their behavior which inhibits their drive to take initiative. So the next time a child helped me “I said thank you for helping me, I really appreciate it.” This was an improvement for me.
To my students I don't just say only "good job", I ask them how they thought of it/came up with the idea. It engages the child and makes them think of their process. It also calls out kids who have used help from AI or their parents to do a piece of homework. I wish helicopter parents and teachers would remember that: 1, everyone deserves to learn (at whatever pace) and 2, empty praises deprive a child of the ownership of that hard work that they've done; the message they get is, "you've made me happy" rather than, "you applied yourself and proved you can do it yourself." . Children are not empty vessels we fill ideas into. They are living, creative beings that should be allowed the joy of self expression just because of their enjoyment of it.
I like the quote "a mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be lighted". We should focus on igniting curiosity, rather than forcing facts in there.
Thank you for this video. I'm not a parent but I've always had an issue with parents telling their children, "Good job!" To me, this sounded like the child had performed some sort of work or difficult task ... and as you say here, that he/she needs the reward of this praise. And this ends up becoming a habit for parents who will often automatically say this. If the child opens a door or has a conversation with grandma or eats all his/her dinner, I've heard a parent just automatically say "Good job!" When it becomes automatic it loses it's meaning.
This resonated with me. Just yesterday I watched my kid completely recoil when I overly praised a painting she did. It was clear she didn’t want that reaction. This video made me look at things differently. Thank you!
Thank you for this video, it helps me recall part of my childhood experience. As i watched, i began to recall instances during my childhood where my relatives or mom's friends were excitedly praising me "so clever" for the simplest things I've done.. and i remember feeling "insulted". And they would ask "don't you like people praising you?" As a kid i don't know how to reply, but in my heart i was thinking, "these were just extremely simple or natural things to do" and doesn't require them making a fuss of it. Although their intention may be to encourage or to play nice, those "insincere" compliments did make me self-conscious and robbed me of the joy of doing those things, because i did not want to come across as doing it to pleased them. So i totally agreed with this video that we could be robbing the child of their intrinsic motivation by lavishing inappropriate praises.
My parents didn't praise or worry about my schooling at all (I was top in class so there was no need to). The feeling I got was just that it was my own business and responsibility how I do. I think it preserved my intrinsic motivation.
Just to add, they had much more interest in whether I ate enough fruit, played outside enough and did healthy kid things, not that they lacked interest in general. Like still I feel my mum is way happier with me eating some garden berries than my phd 😂
Well my parents never appreciated my grades too but it took a heavy toll on me and I was confused when I came across your comment thank god for your addition I got it that they in general ignored my existence (seriously I would have gotten kidnapped if not for my brother; their excuse is they were busy(my mom is housewife) that they were preoccupied and never really wanted to have a third kid and were gonna abort but father didn't wanted to. So here I m 27 doesn't mind crying in public, no intrest in romantic relationships, no good job or either academia just simply plainly waste of breath on this earth. Man I need help🤣
@@tarika6476 you should definitely try to find a good therapist so that it would click that your parents disinterest in parenting has nothing to do with your value as a person. I quite like the TH-cam channel psychology in Seattle as a guide what an empathetic therapist would sound like
You will not derail your child’s development by inadvertently using the wrong phrase in praise. You may derail your child’s development by spending your energy to create an artificial environment structured on small psychological studies that may or may not have revealed what they claim, because living this way will make you a neurotic wreck. Kids aren’t designed to be raised in perfect environments. They are built to find themselves in the midst of struggle. Their primary adversary is you. It’s your job to engage with fairness, love and consistency. If you can do this, most of the time, it doesn’t matter what phrases of praise you use. And if you can’t be fair, loving and consistent nothing you say will cover it up. Go have fun. Make mistakes. Laugh, cry, whatever. Your are going to be crap at parenting and you are also going to get it right sometimes and that’s okay.
Thank you for this video! I still work with pre-schoolers at a bible study. One of my favorite things to say to children is "good job". Now I see that this kind of praise is not really helpful for the child's growth as a person. I will work on this to change my way and the child's way of thinking about themselves
This gives me so much hope! Im doing my absolute best breaking these generational chains passed to me and im so glad im aware and in control of not wanting the old ways for my son, its such a blessing to feel that there are so many people out there trying to make the world a better place starting with their children xx
I am trying to do the same, break these chains so they have it better than I did. But honestly the more aware I am, the more I realize how messed up I am and that I need help (therapy) for myself and my girls. So hard!
I don't have a kid and this video just popped up on my recommended, but I have to say I like the thumbnail because it's such a good idea. Put drawing boards on the walls so kids can show their creativity without messing up the walls
As a child who was IQ tested and had that information presented to me every time my grades weren't the very best, I can testify that the easier path was always my choice. I knew what I should be doing but I also knew it was more work than I was willing to expect of myself and I didn't want the conflict with my parents.
I love that you said to focus on directing praise at things your kids can control, I’ve heard not to say good job but I love that you have direction on what to replace it with and areas to focus on.
Wow! God really wants me to be the best mom. How I bumped into this video is pure miracle. I'm so happy to learn this right now. We just turned five and I've been praising hing with good job so many times 😢😢Now I know better and I will switch my conversation to the positive and growth-oriented praise. Thank you for taking time to teach us.
I agree 💯% . I made sure to teach my children from a young age that having a virtuous character is WAY MORE important to me than degrees etc. I do encourage them to get those, but they know it's their Loving hearts towards themselves and others that I value most. I'm happy to say, I can see it in their attitudes today ❤
It hasn’t hurt my 3 year old granddaughter. She recently spent over an hour of continual painting on a huge canvas in deep concentration and focus. She never gives up and drills on every newly learned skill. Her parents have slowed down in saying good job since she is 3 now but developed a healthy confidence and perseverance in ages 1-3.
I was thinking that.. a balance of both seems good to me. You don’t want them to no be proud of being smart, and you also don’t want them to not feel pretty or handsome. And if they did a good job, that is also valid! Praising only effort can also be a covert: “kudos for the effeort, but you didn’t quite nail it..try harder next time…” , which is valid on ocassions, but always?? Woukd make me feel not good enough… I think a healthy mix of all is better…
This montessori daycare where I worked at, we were taught to only say good job when it was a skill that the child had been working towards and achieving new milestones. Like with potty training or being quiet during the entire naptime if that’s something the child struggled with. If for example they were to do arts and crafts, we would never say ‘good job’ when they were done because otherwise that would teach them that they weren’t allowed to just explore and create things for fun. And that everything they made had to be a well done creation so that would put pressure on them to achieve this and receive a ‘good job’. Then they would think hearing such praise is all they had to work towards. I’m not sure if I’m explaining this correctly as English isn’t my first language but we would essentially praise them only on work that they had achieved together. Like saying for example: “you guys have put away all the toys and helped each other clean up, you all did a great job at that, look how clean it is!” Or “I think it was very sweet of you to offer to take turns in playing with the doll, that was such a good idea of you”.
I think that she makes a lot of good points in this video, and I personally like hearing good job when it comes to myself haha but also the more in-depth comments on efforts are really good. However I think that it really depends on the rest of the relationship the parent has with the child. So for example if a kid gets praised for art or cooking (even in a Montessori way) but is belittled, mistakes pointed out, the parent doesn't really spend time with them, or treats them badly, I don't think that even praising in a Montessori way would do much good bc the praise has to be genuine and be truthful to the kind of relationship the child and parent have. If the parent praises but is a jerk to the kid all the time then the kid might not believe the praises, but if the parent genuinely and lovingly praises the child and has a good relationship with the child I think that both "good job" or Montessori method will make a profound impact on that child.
What if a child comes and shows a piece of work that I actually don't like? In that case the most authentic would be to calmly express the parts I like and parts I don't, otherwise I would be lying to my child and being inauthentic, that is hurtful too! No?
This is terrific. You really understand this at a deep level. When Dweck's book came out I read it. As a teacher it was clear how good it was. Then realizing I was still making mistakes praising my students I read it again. Then our education bureaucracy got a hold of the book. For two years I went to trainings and staff meetings where every single time they completely got it wrong. (Consider most of education is a system where they size you up as soon as they meet you, or hear the rumors about you, and then will do almost anything to hang on to that prejudice.) Then I attended a training where the presenter finally got it right. So there's some Growth Mindset required to understand these very basic concepts. And terrific that you point out when praise isn't needed. When I was in the supermarket with my son when he was almost three years old, he asked where something was. I knew, but I said, "I don't know. Ask that guy over there." Then I turned away. A store employee was stocking one of the coolers. I'd immediately decided it was my moment to learn more about the jar of gefilte fish that was near me at that moment. He didn't want to walk over and talk to some stranger.... you could almost see the wheels spinning around in his head... but....he walked over and asked. Then he came back, told me where it was. Okay, we immediately skipped a bunch of aisles, found the item... No praise, just problem solved.I figure my job was to hand him a puzzle, and to reinforce his success support his solution as soon as possible. I learned a long time ago that having a problem and figuring out a solution is a complete positive reinforcement cycle all by itself. There's only a loose correlation between innate levels of intelligence and life success. Intelligence is an advantage, but a lot of very average people have learned discipline, how to break down a problem, and persistence. They probably got a lot of it through what Dweck (and you) are explaining.
I was a Montessori mom for my two oldest children. The best decision I ever made. I was so intrigued by the structure that I took the Montessori Teaching Program here in California.
Mm I disagree. Hard work could lead someone putting in a lot of effort in the wrong direction or without just compensation in adulthood. Is there a better verbage? Like "consistency pays off" or "strategic action doubles your rewards"
I use Dweck’s growth and fixed mindset information when helping companies change their safety/quality/production culture. The employees respond very well to it. I am a grandma and I also use it with my grandchildren as well and I can see the difference from when I was raising my kids. You live and learn. Thanks for creating this video. I enjoyed it very much.
I love the idea on how to praise children without saying "Good job! let's focus on their efforts when they accomplish something and talk about it.😊 That's how we raised wise and confident children.Thank you for this wonderful video. I love it 💕.
I hears you and I agree, with most of it. HOWEVER my parents would always tell me how smart I was... and that I carried through life... because of that, I believed I was smart, really smart, and could figure out anything. I am 50 now, and I challenged myself so much because of my smarts. They also said I was the cutest baby,.... and I very attractive child. I am still challenging my mind and maintaining my attractiveness.... vs other who let themselves go. I was an only child and grew up in generation x... I had to do most things on my own. I treasure my ability to figure out anything. 💕 I hear the point, but praise help me be confident ... then I learned to maintain it without praise....many years later.
8:15 kids will literally show you anything they've created because they're proud of it. Asking questions without saying you like it, will make them think they didn't create anything pretty and that you don't like it. And saying "thank you" when they've helped with a chore may make them think chores are not their job, but they will help if they feel like it. I prefer explaining that we need to, for example, wash clothes after we wear them because they are dirty, hang them to dry and then fold them and put them away, same with the dishes, etc. and I've noticed my son even not "bothering" me and waits for me to finish something when he can't help, then comes and show a toy or drawing to me. It helps if they get to know the process behind everything. But otherwise a really good video, I'm glad I stumbled upon it and watched it.
I was continuously praised as a child for being intelligent, to the point I hated it because it seemed like it was my only good feature. Also, being intelligent is mostly just luck. I was on the verge of becoming one of those brainy, mousy, serious people (and, being a woman, discarding my femininity too). It took me years to work on myself to believe I can be kind, agreeable, warm, or even creative.
Solidarity. As another clever woman, I was told “someone will marry you for your intellect.” They didn’t just think it, they said it. It was meant as a compliment. Worse still: somebody did.
As someone in the top 1% of measured IQ myself, I *always* keep top of mind that my intellect is a gift from God, and I tell my children and grandchildren the same. However what we do with that intellect is our responsibility and approaching all things in our lives (no matter our position on the IQ bell curve) with excellence in execution is far more important. Consistent growth and development, personally and professionally, is the goal, and failure is a tool in growth that we should all embrace. Intelligence is but one factor in a spectrum of other controllable factors (practicing kindness, empathy, generosity of spirit, self-control, perseverance, discernment etc.). We do have to be very careful not to become one dimensional in what we value in ourselves, or in what we recognize as valuable in others, especially our precious little descendants.
I don’t agree that being intelligent correlates with loss of femininity on any level. That would be a conscious choice. People of very high IQ (150, 160+ ) have personalities as diverse as any other segment of any population.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have struggled with needing praise all my life, even though my mom gave it to us A LOT. I love her and she was just doing what she could with the tools she had. I heard about that study a while back and started implementing things like “you really put effort into that!” Or, “what’s your favorite part about this?” Or, “that looks like it was fun!” to my niece and nephews recently and it feels so much better than, “good job!” It wears on me to constantly give a kid praise for something, especially when it’s not that good. 🤦🏻♀️ I recognize the effort they put in but I feel like I’m lying when I tell them good job, and then when they REALLY impress me, I have to go over the top. 🤷🏻♀️ I really appreciate this because it makes me feel like I’m not a terrible person for not wanting to express something every single time they accomplish something.
This is true my Dad used to give me $100 only when i got an A and $50 when I earned Bs. The forst time i recieved a bad grade i went into depression and was ashamed to show my grades ever again. I still struggle with making mistakes. But i have decided to go back to college as an adult! This was a very accurute video.
Thank you for this, very eye opening. As a single mom of boys I'm constantly afraid of breaking my children mentally because already they lack a male figure in their little lives. I want them to grow in confidence and self drive. Thank you
This has been my life. My parents praised every time I accomplished something. As a grown up it has become extremely hard for me to do something for my own sake instead of looking for people to validate and praise me so that I can keep going. These days, I am trying to figure out how to reparent myself to break out of this pattern. This video has been helpful, thank you for making it. ❤
This video is so helpful and thought provoking! On the flip side, something I learned about criticism… Long ago I read somewhere how one might unknowingly criticize a child without saying a word. The example given was praising the child for making their bed while smoothing out a wrinkle or adjusting the pillows. I did that kind of thing a lot. I’m a detail person - ok possibly a perfectionist. This helped me accept ‘good enough’ (sometimes ‘good enough for now’) from my kids and when I practiced it for myself, I removed many self imposed stressors. It also made think about how it’s ok for others, even kids, to prioritize what’s important to them differently than I do. I’ll file this under: don’t sweat the small stuff. Growing up, I constantly sought approval from my mom which was close to impossible to get. When she did acknowledge something she followed up with telling me how I could have done it better. Maybe she thought she was being helpful but instead I came to believe whatever I did and who I was wasn’t good enough. As parents, we need to be mindful with our guidance & priorities.
I love this! Im the mother of a 16 month old and already I can see “empty praises” effects on her. I do mean well and sometimes I talk to her about what she’s done. But because she isnt fully able to understand and verbalize yet - I realize i resort to the praises but I will definitely be doing it the correct way. I know she’ll feel the energy and overtime will be able to understand what I mean. She claps herself when she does something and looks at me for validation and i give it to her. But this video resonates alot with me and will be applying for sure.
I say Good Job a lot haha, but Ive also made it a point to say thank you a lot. My child really enjoys helping, and I can see that through saying thank you he's really cared for helping and contributing.
It’s so true, it’s very important to interact with growing children like you would an adult. If your partner seems excited about a new opportunity, you might say “I’m so happy for you” and the same can apply for children. I notice my small nephew has been praised a lot growing up which appears to have built his confidence, but he’s easily disappointed when he doesn’t get the praise or attention he expects. I’ve been thinking about ways to raise a child that’s more independent ahead of having one myself and this seems like a great start 👍
I wish I knew this (about) 39 years ago when my son was starting his school years. As the “baby” of the family and left on my own from roughly 10-11 years old I only had condemnation from my mother. Nothing from my dad. So basically I didn’t know what to do. When I had my son my husband was stationed in Kentucky so I was cut off from family and never had anyone who could pass down motherly “wisdom.” So raising my son was a battleground. I tried praising him but nothing I did worked. My husband signed him out of school when he was 15-16 years old. I didn’t know about it which is what my husband intended because he knew I would never condone it. I have begged him to at least get his GED but he has staunchly refused. Unfortunately I think my grandson is headed in the same direction as his parents. After you mentioned it I realized my daughter in law uses “good job” all the time. I’m always on the lookout for some new construction going on in the house. That’s what I think of when I hear the term. Your video needs to be listened to by school teachers everywhere. They use the term as well. Thank you for airing this. Even though it’s a little late for me maybe it will help other moms!!
Great video! I do feel I learned something new. I was also happy to hear things I already do. Like when my daughter helps with the dishes. She’s 7, one Saturday morning after we had breakfast I stepped out of the kitchen to do something in my room. I took longer than expected. But when I came back into the kitchen my daughter had put everything we used to make breakfast away, wiped down the table and kitchen counters AND washed the dishes leaving the knives and glass aside. My first reaction was “oh my goodness Bella did you do all of this by yourself?” And I fell on my knees and hugged her so tight. I looked at her and said “thank you!” I remember telling her how much I appreciated this. That her help means a lot to me and it’s one less thing I had to do. She was so content with herself. I share this because my first instinct was to thank her, not praise her. 💕
It’s always important to praise yourself in this manner, too. If you know what it feels like, you will know its value when you share it with another (especially an impressionable child). Then, what has always been part of your 1st Nature (the abilities with which you came to life to express) you are now making “2nd Nature.” Most adults have a profound disconnection when it comes to intrinsic confidence in our own ability. Encouraging yourself feels really good. Then share it to keep feeling it. Spread that gift around! Love this video!
I feel like this explains a lot of narcissist origins. Some where given too much praise and then when they grow up they look for people to continue to validate everything about them. And some were given too little and do they same thing forever searching. I like how this shows you still give them praise. But teach them to inner validate in a healthy way. Narcissists are just children who’s body’s have aged but their mentality hasn’t. They find ways to adapt and hide it the best they can. But many in their inner circle see their outbursts of adult tantrum. I like how this video says it helps the children have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset. The narcissists does not mature and keeps a fixed mindset.
I personally find that you are so happy when you see your child do something (to go to the toilet by himself...) is a natural feeling that comes to me. If at that time I considered in my mind how to praise my child, I fear that the happy moment will pass and when I think back, I will have nothing to smile about.
do it for them, not you; then you will have the happy moment and encourage a growth mindset in them - win win, it will also come more naturally as time goes on;
That’s when we say nothing sometimes. She did mention biting our tongue. What i experience is too much needless chatter. Grandma here wanting just a smile and less noise!
I enjoy this kind of mindset and feel inspired to use it not just with kids but with those I train at work. I think this will greatly help me with some of the summer students that struggle with the work at the beginning.
Wise and thoughtful praise that is sparing, I believe is important. As well as tailoring for individual needs. I was never praised for intelligence (lowest scores in exams being around 98%), instead it was “thanks to god and prayer” it made me extremely destructive for a period of time because all I wanted was to be praised for doing a good job but because I wasn’t, I stopped. In the end I said f them, they can think whatever they want and went back to doing well. Lack of praise caused lots of relationship issues for me when I was a child through to early adult years. So each to their own I guess.
I’m a babysitter and I’d like to use these compliments more as I often say good job. I have noticed that when kids are colouring in and they show me their progress, if I say something like “That’s very creative” it encourages them to try different things with less fear of staying “in the lines” or making the picture “accurate” colours
I am so thankful for this video and those who have shared. The simple act of being present, seeing, acknowledging their presence is in my present world, ineffable. I have no words for that simple act, which strengthens the foundation for the future of that child. Thank you. There are so many who cannot even comprend this kind of care. Thank you for sharing your love and compassion. ❤
Praising a child when done something right or good encouraged them to do good deeds with wisdom , & help to stir them away from negative , dangerous or selfish behaviours! ... 🙏🕯🌷🌿🌍💜🕊
I am so glad I found this video! I’ve been raising my child with this mindset all the time. And it was very difficult for me as I was going against the education system of the country where teachers will say Good job or Great for each and every move of a child even if the child made a mistake. Along with long struggle I kept developing in my child the intrinsic motivation to work hard by praising her hard work, and helping her maintain the hard work. She is now finally saying “I’m proud of myself” after she’s finished her task or studies or project without feeling pain about how hard she worked on it. I’ve been always teaching patience and perseverance, without any object rewards or inflated praises. Only this type of kids will be able to keep themselves grit and mentally healthy at all times.
I am an US public elementary school teacher and I see this in practice everyday. Some students walk across the room and get in line, and turn to the teacher expecting praise or rewards ( and teachers say "Good Job!" and hand them a piece of candy). Also, so many students seem to have no motivation to learn or do better. They might be 10 years old, can't tie their shoes, and don't seem motivated to learn (I learned when I was 4 years old). This explains some of the lack of motivation I see every day.
I still remember a time when I was ten and finally cleaned my room after much nagging by my mom. She took me to my doorway, and told me to look at how well I did each part of the task, how nice it looked, and to appreciate how much more pleasant it was to be in there and be able to find things. I continue to have that satisfaction with common tasks, and I’m 75.
That’s awesome.
Thank you for sharing this personal moment ❤️
Your story is inspiring and shows that the way we share appreciation can have an incredibly long impact, gets me excited to do the same for my child/anyone in my life.
That's beautiful
Beautiful 🥰
Niceee 😎
As a "gifted" child (literally just a little brighter than average), I was so obsessed with being praised. It was awful when I got to high school and struggled as much as anyone else. I felt like I wasn't smart anymore. It took years to learn that my school grades aren't my self worth. Now that I have a toddler it is so hard to find things to say other than "good job." He amazes me every day, but I don't want him to feel the pressure that I did. My favorite things to say are "You worked hard on that," "You did it by yourself!" "You should feel proud of how hard you tried." It's taken so much unlearning. This was a great video, thank you.
This is good, I have a gifted child that HATES to fail and so creating opportunities for him to fail is hard but also needed. I agree it’s tough to not say “good job” so we will work on this but I’ve noticed him loving praise.
I’m taking notes on this because my toddler is gifted and already “feeds” off of being praised, and we do praise him often. So like I said def taking notes!! Thanks for your comment.
Oh my God same here. I’m moderately gifted. It’s hard
Same here.! My 5yo is literally like a mini adult, everyone is constantly commenting how intelligent he is and praising him. I always use those phrases you mentioned like "You worked so hard on that!" And I tell him that challenging himself is extremely important and even more important than doing well in math and reading. I agree that it is very hard to unlearn, I still have trouble with disciplining myself and procrastination because my parents always said I was smart and doing fine.
The "you did that all by yourself, I'm impressed" is a good one though. I worked in childcare for a long time and it's difficult to be creative and individually responsive to each thing a child does well though. Sometimes "good job" is the best I can do too 🤦♀️.
My younger sister was a gifted child. She had this SUPER annoying educational toy called the Talking Scholar and when she got answers right it would say in a creepy robot voice "you are right". She got so addicted to hearing the robot voice saying that phrase, she learned exactly which buttons to push on the toy so she wouldn't even hear the questions, JUST this horrible dystopian "you are right, you are right, you are right". Eventually the toy broke...and she had the most epic meltdown I'd ever seen. I wish my parents had addressed that issue...at all...because she had such a challenging time later on in college when she was surrounded by people who were not only gifted, but WAY smarter than she was.
6:08 Don't say anything
6:59 Acknowledge process, not outcome
7:20 Praise for things they can control (effort, attitude, responsibilty, commitment, decision making, compassion, generosity or respect.
8:15 Ask questions
8:35 Describe what you see (you did it!, how do you feel about what you just did?)
9:32 Thank them
9:49 Oppertunity to grow from their setbacks
Thank you for the video! I felt like you repeated yourself and the video starts at around 5 min mark.
Thank you for the comment, I like concise infromation
Funny thing is I use this strategy on tertiary level students...
Thank you✨
Yay thank you❤🎉
Good Job! 😂 thank you!
Moral of the story do not just merely give compliments to your child rather give feedback that causes the child to reflect on what they learnt from performing the very exercise, that way the child learns to treat every activity as a learning curve and not a performance based activity ❤
Thank you!!! Needed to read it first. Ciao grazie!!
Basically, you don’t want to turn your child into a dog whose end goal is to only looking for that treat after performing the task. Make the growing & learning process the treat & they’ll continue both all their life.
Kids need balance they do need to hear they did a good job. They will end up thinking nothing they do is good enough. These experiments are set ups based on lies and tricking children.
Well said. I like this.
@YaH_Gives_Wisdom former gifted kid who got lots of priase for being smart and speical here, yes. Ive had to unlearn a lot. It's all about the process and the struggle and the effort to overcome the challenge. I wish my parents had seen things like this.
Encouragement is far better than praise in developing a child's character.
I do both.
@@rosemarietolentino3218i think i'll do it too, i have the se se sensation that "great, you can improve and you can do it" can work wery well together
True
I am watching this to heal my inner child and to learn how I should treat myself as a grown up. Thank you!
😢❤❤❤! This is powerful! The inner child keeps on knocking man.
Good job! Lol. I am doing the same. 🇺🇸❤️🎯
Great idea!
Me too! 😊
Sometimes we have to reparent ourselves.
I know this is a video about parenting, but this has made me re-think how I give feedback to everyone in my life. It's such a small thing but sometimes it's the little things that helps encourage people to gain the confidence to step out of their comfort zone, whether they're 7, 27, or 70.
P.S. I have no children of my own but clicked on the video hoping to learn something new. Very glad I did.
Hello!Im planning on applying this to my own inner voice!😅
I spoke with a therapist about how effective positive reinforcement is with adults, like going out of your way to thank your partner for house chores can encourage them to continue helping, and it can help perpetuate a lot of positive behavior in those around you no matter the age 👍
Same!
💥
@@granmabern5283good idea....Thank you
I think that empty praises arises from not having enough time to dedicate to your children! I am a grandma now and I realized I have time to listen to my grandchild and when ever she shows me something for example a drawing: I take the time to ask her… what is it? This looks like water? Is it? She says yes and I ask: is it a lake or the ocean? Are they fish on it ? And ask questions about what she did why she decided to do that drawing… are you happy about the colors ? I noticed she draw a sun … I asked about the sunny day… I don’t feel that you necessarily need to praise them all the time! Some times yes but all the time no, because they will not be praised all the time in real life ! Acknowledgement is what they need more than constant praise!
good advice and good analysis
I totally agree, acknowledgement is the way to go!
I love your comment here.
I feel like my mom never bothered to get past her “good job, now hush and scram” pat-on-the-head brush-off you mention here.
Now that I’m grown she has no idea what I do for a living, where I live or how, who any of my friends are, and whether she’s a grandmother or not … because me telling her about my life has always been a waste of her very precious time, so I stopped speaking to her
Many parents seem lazy in parenting. As a former teacher of 9 -11 year olds I think some of this is due to mothers having to work outside the home to make ends meet. Subsequently, they may be exhausted. But there are also less excusable reasons and I also saw plenty of that. And of course fathers hold equal responsibility. Choose a partner wisely and consider not having children at all.
I find that too - the thing I can give my grandkids is time. I’m just not as busy as their parents are! Retirement is great. Time and attention are my specialty. And of course I love spending time with them too.
I read through many of the comments on this video and compiled a list of things we can say to our children instead of, "Good job!" (includes suggestions from the video itself):
-You worked hard on that!
-Thank you for helping me!
-You must have worked so hard to get that score!
-Simply notice what they did, like: "I see that you cleaned up the blocks!"
-You did it!
-You did it by yourself!
-You figured it out!
-You didn't give up!
-It must've felt good to _______!
-That took a lot of patience!
-That was a brave decision!
-How do you feel about what you just did?
-How did you think of that/come up with that idea?
-How does/did that feel?
-That looks like it was fun!
-Did you enjoy it?
-What do you like about it?
-What was your favorite part about ____?
-You should feel proud of how hard you worked!
-How did it feel to share?
-You were so considerate to share with your brother!
-He smiled when you shared with him!
-That's very creative!
-Do you like your drawing?
-What do you like about your drawing?
can you say it with a “Good Job” in the beginning of the sentence?
Thank you taking this effort. Now I can always refer back. 🙏
❤
THANK YOU! ❤
I was about to do this! Thank you for doing the legwork! I’m writing this list down tonight.
I'm a pianist studying at Juilliard but grew up in a house where neither of my parents knew anything about classical music. For a while I thought this was a disadvantage, but coming out of this research I see where actually was the bedrock of my intrinsic motivation and growth mindset, because I wasn't looking for their approval, understanding, or interest in what I was doing, the challenges I was facing, or the obstacles I was overcoming, it was all me.
Wow. My daughter is in high school and is a bassist who plays classical and I know nothing about classical music. Thank you for this comment. I was so worried I wouldn't know how to help her with no musical ability. She aspires to study at Julliard as well.
Had the complete opposite experience. Im an artist and my parents didnt ever give me praise for my artistic efforts (I had the gift but I also worked very hard on being better)
They did however tell me how intelligent I was. Constantly. I strived for intelligence over art eventually. Now that I'm an adult I focus on my art again. My mom has become much more understanding in her old age and now I feel more comfortable being an artist. (My youngest brother went to montessori so she eventually learned alongside him)
I used to say (a ing other things) “hard work pays off”. I raised a daughter who went blind in one eye and had a retinal detachment in the other, so after surgery that eye was covered with bandages. Woke up the first night post-op and instead of asking for help, talked herself to the bathroom by saying (referring to a blind friend) “if Rita can do it, I can do it”.
Wow great spirit
Brave and confident!!❤❤😊
Better than fiction
I'm blind too, and I know you've got this!
As a mother, aunt, teacher, I would ask, “How does that feel?” Increases self-awareness, they self-reflect and begin to notice how they feel about their own efforts and results.
Yes!!! It's all about creating the ground for them to develop intrinsic motivation!!!!
Yes. 🙌🏻 I also like to say, “that looks like it was fun!” And, “what do you really like about it?” It gets them talking about it instead of just asking for my praise.
@@KK-ce2hfThis is awesome!
And it enhances their ability to express themselves.
This is such a simplified view that it hurts. I know many parents who takes this advice literally and stop complimenting their kids and also stop giving any negative feedback. This causes kids to have no clue at all on how to behave and they turn into horrible brats.
You should communicate your emotions clearly, and if you like their progress you should say so. But yes, always praise progress and tell them you understand the struggle they went through to get it.
I was praised as a child for being so intelligent. School was so easy for me that i was often bored. I of course got into college but when i encountered challenges i thought i was just bad at it and so i would drop it and just quit. Still as an adult anything challenging that doesn't come easily to me feels like it wasn't meant to be and that's such a terrible way to look at life. I feel paralyzed and unable to make steps towards anything because I'm terrified of difficulty and failure.
me too tho, kinda make sense where did I get my feeling of failures coming from and scared to try new things bc I don't want to look bad in front of ppl.
i feel this as well, i fear most things in anticipation of a potential failure :,) its very frustrating and somewhat debilitating at times, makes you realize how difficult it is to get out of your own head at times.
Oy, yes. I was in my 40s before it finally occurred to me that the invisible judge and jury looking over my shoulder at every turn only existed in my head. I wish I had figured it out sooner, but better late than never. 🙂 For the most part, the people around us are also struggling with their self-created judge and jury, so are not paying attention to you at all. And if they are trying to "evaluate" you, it's always to try to make themselves feel better. They have to work that one out for themselves. Once you flick that weight off your own shoulders, you will be so busy with your own life, you will barely notice someone sticking their nose in. And, if they do, you can just ignore it, because it's them trying to justify their own existence. Nothing to do with you, really.
Haha, I was the same, school-wise. I breezed through high school, then got a rude awakening in college. I had to learn how to study for the first time. But, hey, you have your own life to live. You don't belong to anyone else's to-do list, even if they think you do. If you can turn off the "what will they think" habit, you will be free to just do. You can't have a skill until you develop it. No one pops into the world with their adult skill sets already in place. And learning new skills should be an adventure of gradual discovery, not a frustration that you haven't already mastered the new skill. If someone else has an issue with your process, then too bad. But I think you will find that the perceived issue with the process is self-created. I sure found that out about myself!
It's never too late to turn that around. Take little steps abd change your inner voice chatter
Sounds abit like me😢 But I’m working on that everyday. I stumbled upon this video and hope it helps all is us one way or the other.
I was never given praise of any sort from my single parent mum. She only ever criticised every little imperfection. I was so afraid to make a mistake that I would avoid trying even if I could have done it. I was a natural dancer and pursued it as a career. That was the only thing my mum ever used to praise me for in front of other people. I hated it because it took no effort on my part, it was easy. I wanted her to praise me for my excellent grades, effort and diligence in my school work. For me, any praise would have been better than none.
Edit: As a mature woman now, I have learnt that other people's opinion of you doesn't matter, it's what you feel about yourself that counts. Self esteem grows with small accomplishments that snowball into greater ones. The lesson is not to repeat the pattern with your own children or others. Give praise where praise is due and ignite the little light that dwells within that soul. 💖
Same here. I'm sorry you had to put up with that. Growing up with a narcissistic mother is heartbreaking. I was deprived of any acknowledgement or encouragement. The only kind of praise I'd get is through them comparing me to others or that whatever I did was because of them. They would say something about me especially in front of others as if I was their trophy. This video is informative ❤ maybe this can help heal the relationship with self ❤
I think the Montessori take on praise, is about being so conscious and respectful of your child’s needs that you make them secure and not needful of outside approval. What you’re describing sounds like emotional neglect.
Same here. I never received one word of praise or encouragement and to this day struggle with any kind of confidence at all. Hearing “Good job” now and then couldn’t possibly have been detrimental.
Same here. My parents never gave me any praise and now I turned into an anxious adult always seeking for validation and people pleaser. I wish my parents would validate my effort a little bit, I would be so happy and relaxed at least :(
I agree so much, I would receive criticism a lot from my mom, but little to no praise. What you said absolutely highlight the life of my life. It does help for not me being so sensitive, but I just feel numb and feel like crying every time on the inside. My mom would constantly just shout everytime she sees a tear in my eye that "I'll be fired by my boss once I get my career, and you are lucky to always be shouted at so you wont be sensitive". You're not wrong, but you wronged me.
Every time she "comforts" me back when I was a child, she would always be saying I'm using an excuse. Now, she always try to calm me down, because I achieve so much now. I feel so frustrated and pissed at her, where was she doing my early youth?
If I ever hear praise, it does turn a light on me, but it feels so weird...I remember just my mom saying that "you like hearing praise instead of criticism because you cry" well yes but you made me not like criticism NOR praise.
Sorry this comment turned into a vent haha. It's better to vent it out then bottle it up. Don't worry, I have learned to appreciate my own accomplishments and I shouldn't care if they are proud of not to me, because I'm my own person and I'm only a best friend of myself. To the comments above, I'm sorry you went through it, I hope you are doing okay right now. Keep on battling, it won't bother you forever.
I’ve been working on this with my 1 year old. I tend to just state what she did in a non-judgmental way. “You cleaned up the blocks!” “You brushed your hair!” Not sure if that’s really the right thing to do but I feel like it also helps with her language skills since I’m giving her the language to express what she’s doing/done.
That's what I've done with my kids and they are older now and I think it's worked well. Not obsessed with getting praised, very intrinsically motivated, and yet they still feel like I am very interested in what they're doing and they like to show me. But if I'm busy or not there, it doesn't ruin their experience at all.
When I care for children who are accustomed to so much praise all the time, they're driven to prompt me to evaluate every little thing they do. It's exhausting 😫!
"See how I cut the paper? Did I do a good job? Will you do it for me? Does this look cute? Do you like this? Is this how I use the glue? Did you see how I put the lid back on? Did I do it right?"
Listen, kid, you're not doing me a favour by making this craft, so if you're not enjoying it for itself, why are we even doing this?!? That's what I want to say, but I don't.
Even adults enjoy the observation kind of praise better than a generic "good job". I accidentally did it a lot to my sister on the weekend, and she's told me that I must come with her to her workplace and make my comments there to improve the vibe. 🤣 (Just things like "that marshmallow is so evenly toasted!" or "You made this fire really quickly, it must have worked on the first try!")
Thank you both for your insightful advice.
@sprouting, can you update us as if you think it helped?
Makes a lot of sense. I was a child of overused empty praises and I can see how it has made me always feel like i need some sort of validation.
Yes yesss. I'm struggling with basic adult tasks now.
I do Piano lessons for students, and I see this anxiety in children every day. Feeling the need to make me happy can really make things hard for them, especially when they think they have done well and it's wrong. i think that the video made some very valid points on how we over-complement when all we need to do is acknowledge their effort. I think what she is saying they need to learn to acknowledge themselves and their own accomplishments .. Independence comes from their
I really like to say “you did it!” To my nephew. It’s so cute when he does something and then goes “I did it”
As a grandparent and retired teacher, I agree with the spirit of this video. As adults, we need to vary our praise and encouragement to our children as well as other adults. We all enjoy being recognized, but hearing the same things becomes meaningless quickly.
I think your take resonates with me the most. To this day (at 50), my mom gives exaggerated praise for anything. Regardless of effort or outcome. So it has the reverse effect and actually makes me angry and embarrassed.
What I understood:
1. Don't say good job
2. Acknowledge Process, Not Outcome
3. Direct praises towards effort, attitude, decision making, generosity, responsibility and commitment
4. Ask questions (Do you like the painting you made? rather than saying good job)
5. Say Thank You when they help you
6. Let's see what you did, Let's see what can be done (when child is frustrated and is unable to complete a task)
What I did so far:
1. I provided my praises when my kid looked at me after they achieve something after many tries
2. I appreciated them when they helped me
3. I said You can do it when they had second thoughts.
I’m single without a child, but this is amazing information everyone should know!
Take it with a big pinch of salt!
Really though. I need to talk to myself this way.
Me, too, but - I'm a teacher . . . so this was really helpful as I look forward to a new school year
My parents did not praise or encourage my siblings or myself. They somehow let us know we had to excel. We are all totally neurotic adults.
I hope you're healing❤️,
Completely understandable. I imagine other “pathologies” were present as well. Sorry. Totally get it.
No all, thank you very much. "All" is almost always a poor choice. "Totally" also almost always a poor choice. Well done using 2 poor choices in a single sentence.
I get it. I think my step-mom had OCPD. She was kind of a "Mommy Dearest" type. She would hover over me while I was doing chores, screaming at me for not doing it "right", but never telling what the "right" way was, just that I was bad at it not using "enough elbow grease". I have zero recollection of anyone sitting down with me helping me with homework ever in my life. Homework was like being grounded to your room, screamed at until you were crying, and then left alone to do the actual homework.
I'm middle-aged, in therapy, on meds, have a full roster of great doctors for all my needs, have a great job, but an OCPD manager that I have to navigate like I'm a ninja, and occasionally I catch myself saying "I'm glad I'm alive" or "I think I'm happy", and those are unfamiliar sensations to begin having.
These seemingly small moments a person might have as an adult, can be huge, life-defining moments for a child.
@@MrWaterbugdesignWell done being cruel in one comment, for no apparent reason other than trying to boost a sagging self esteem by cutting down a total stranger. 🧌
I work at a big community services center and I hear "Good Job!" on a daily basis, from parents, caregivers and educators, more times than I can count. I also see its corrosive effects first hand. On top of everything you mentioned, there's also something saccharine and condescending about it. It feels false and placating to me.
On those occasions when I have to interact with kids, I always try to talk through things with them and, if the interaction requires praise, then I think of what I'd say to a peer in the same situation (usually "Thank you") and I say that. I've noticed that they really seem to respond well to that kind of treatment.
Glad to have this video for vindication. Thanks.
Praising "wisely" is key. I worked in preschool before raising my six kids. I was around so many "empty praisers" in the preschool world I learned to give specific and natural feedback, and also learned that it's okay sometimes to say nothing at all. I tried to affirm effort over outcome. It is tricky with different personalities but I think everyone appreciates his or her effort being recognized, even if it didn't lead to "success."
This makes perfect sense to me, I was made to feel I wasn't good enough and couldn't do anything right as a child, I'm the last of 6 children and everything was blamed on me, I went on to become the most skilled and financially successful in my family and now they all depend on me. Not praising me pushed me to be better than those who received praises HOWEVER, it could've been done in such a way that didn't leave me traumatized.
I love this. I don’t have kids but it’s helping me realize why I am the way I am.
I would say instead of saying “you did it!” Ask if they enjoyed doing it…
Because then they might start looking at things as a means to an end.
I love that question. I often ask my nephews/niece what they liked about it, or how they came up with the idea to do that. I love hearing them explain and be proud of their work.
At first I was watching this thinking, “Then what the heck am I supposed to say and do?!” but this all makes sense to me. I realize as a child I could be much more interested in what everyone else thought of my work instead of doing it for myself and my own growth. To this day I have to practice being okay with simply enjoying my own progress alone. Thanks. Subscribed.
My daughter is just over 1 and I like to say “you did it!” And I’ll change as she gets older. I want her to feel confidence in what she does so I try to clarify that SHE did it! Whatever it is. And yes I’m so excited to change to “wow, that was hard but you did it” or “you’re so good at ____!”
Hi, so if I say oh you're so good at... is that the same as good job? I want to learn how speak to my son wisely too. Thank you
@@samuraioodon Yes it's still fixed mindset. Instead you can highlight the improvement your kid made.
I’m homeschooling and I need to change my ways. I noticed yesterday that my youngest keeps asking did I do a great job. So I’m going to use your tips here 👏🏾👏🏾
I’m a grandmother now so I really appreciate this advice. This really makes sense. I noticed the “good job” thing really took off in the 80s or 90s. I noticed that many born in the past 30 years tend to look outwardly for praise or compliments. Social media exasperated this trend. Thank you for the video. I will put this into use and share it. 😊😊😊
This just gives me even more respect for my parents. There is so much nuance to raising kids, and one could say that this is all common sense - and yes it should be. But it's an art and a science, all born from empathy and intuition. Two things humans tend to lack. Thank you for explaining all of this so well! 💚🙏🏻🕊
I like this in theory, but for kids whose love language is words of affirmation, hearing encouragement that just falls short of being proud of our kids and letting them know it can cause unintended harm than doing the good this approach promotes.
As a 54 yo raised as a Montessori kid I can vouch for this method. I raised my kids this way as well and they, like me, are highly self motivated.
I love this! However the phrase “hard work” is one I avoid and use “ challenging work”, based on the energy. What you say is what the universe sends your way. If you always say work hard, that’s what you’ll always get, more “Hard” work. Challenging work, insinuates the ability to try without feeling overwhelmed.
I had the same thought, encouraging "hard work" might make someone prone to choosing difficulty because they think suffering/pain is a virtue.
"Challanging work" sound very good, because it describes the situation as it is. The fokus is not put artificially on the person/ child, but what needs to be done / solved gets attention.
Im just halfway to be agreed. I think kids need to hear that they "did good" as well. Just maybe not that often and on any occassion. But I think not hearing it is also sad in some way. Recognition from the patent is one of the most important things for the child. Although I agree that it is important to explain to kids that they do things for themselves,not for the appraisal of parents. But still,every kid longs to hear words like "youre the best","you did well","I am proud of you". I think its also important what we teach them to do during difficult times. Are we there for them. Do we listen and not judge. Can we have the patience even if something seems obvious to us. Thats a huge part of Montessori that contributes to the success of the children, because Montessori emphasises to concentrate on kids progress not on the pace. I think we have to bear that in mind that probably its not just down to say or not to say a few words that makes the difference.
I agree we can find the happy medium. It all depends on the child, and the adult meeting them where they are. Giving encouragement and recognition when needed.
I think a lot of adults are watching this realizing they grew up with a fixed mindset/parent/people pleaser mindset.
This video is of great help to being an adult.
Whatever brings sparks to his eyes such as “you are learning a lot, you picking up more great concepts”
6:59 Acknowledge process, not outcome
7:20 Praise for things they can control (effort, attitude, responsibilty, commitment, decision making, compassion, generosity or respect.
8:15 Ask questions
8:35 Describe what you see (you did it!, how do you feel about what you just did?)
9:32 Thank them
9:49 Oppertunity to grow from their setbacks
Thank you for the video!
i think the most important thing one can do with their child is spend quality time with them. just talk. share. laugh. cry.
Nah. Kids need parenting from parents. Quality time means teaching, caring, nurturing time...Kids need parents. Not just emotional overgrown “siblings.”
It’s eye opening. As a kid I thrived off of praise and was on honor roll , Straight A student, in advanced classes, etc. When I got accepted into a high school for gifted students and was supposed to be in AP classes, I was scared I wasn’t going to be as smart as all the other advanced students, so I opted for regular classes which were too easy. During that time my parents were fighting and separated and I stopped receiving praise. I withdrew and started skipping classes and by my Senior year, I missed so many classes, I almost didn’t graduate. I did that because I was no longer being fed praise, so I stopped trying. I was never doing it for myself. I find myself over praising my 4 year old daughter now and she doesn’t seem to want to do anything without seeking my approval and praise for it. She is constantly asking me if she did good or did I like it. I am truly seeing the pattern now. It gives me an opportunity to correct that behavior now.
It's not just their effort but persistence. At life, the one who gives up, loses.
This is absolutely true. I grew up in such an environment. I was always praised by mother and sibling for the work I did. Now, years later I always need😢 someone to appreciate me on daily basis and I feel worthless when nobody does. And I always complain to my husband for not appreciating me always. I have a 1 year old baby, I always appreciate her thinking that’s correct. But, after watching the videos I understood it’s my mistake. Thanks a lot for this precious video.
I will always remember, when I was about 8 years old, I had a very difficult time with mathematics. I studied so hard and worked so much, but I failed often. Every time I took a test and failed, my mother would take me to a pastry shop and buy me a treat (she did it when I passed the test, too). Whenever I tell this story, people are weirded out, because they say my mother was rewarding me for failing. She wasn't, though, she was rewarding me for having tried my best, even if I failed, and I knew that and always gave it my best shot. She always told me that what mattered is that I tried my best, even if it was difficult for me. In the end I went to college and have a good job, and I am so thankful to her for helping me do that every step of the way.
I kind of wish she hadn't given you the treat, but I'm so happy that she talked to you about the importance of effort over outcome.
I have no children but educated them for twenty years. I could recognise how parents brought up their kids by the child’s behaviour towards praise & no praise and how well ( or not) the parents did during parent - teacher meetings. I give praise to you for caring about how you compliment your daughter. More parents need to watch this video! Thank you for sharing. Your child is lucky to have you as a mum. 👏👏👏🥰
14 September 2023. My daughter is about to turn 28. I haven’t ever really understood why she has anxiety. This video has hit me hard. It explains so much about how misguided parenting was in the late 90’s. Everything was praised but not like this. She is now a teacher of young children and I am embarking on helping some 6 year olds. This should save me from repeating my mistakes. I am so grateful for your effort in putting this together. Thank you.
I never counted myself but I think I say good job to my son more than 20 times a day (at least! Lol). It's going to take a while for me to incorporate this but I'm going to give it a go. Love your videos thanks girl
Oh, same!!!
This aligns so well with my instincts as a caretaker. I still feel weird about the inflated praise I continue to receive as a young adult, and the culture of the daycare center where I work involves so much inflated praise that it has pushed my interactions with the kids in the same direction. This is great inspiration to get back to what I know is right. Thanks for a great video!
I grew up in the era of over-praising. Now I am a parent and I aim to give my girls positive feedback. Validation should come from within and challenges are there for your growth.
I absolutely agree 💯
These were one of my observations when I got to university. The kids who performed great in high school n weren’t doing so great in varsity were super hard on themselves when they weren’t achieving their usual high grades. The average ones were always optimistic.. even a fail would encourage them to do better. Whilst the smart kid would see the fail as the end of the world.. this is where your depression, anxiety, dropping out would start
I failed a milestone o’level exam at school (age 14) which meant I could not progress to the advanced level course. I am very happy to report that it did not dent my lifelong interest in this subject.
The first time a child helped me clean up, I was so shocked I exclaimed, “good girl.” Then I had a little talk with myself and noted that she doesn’t have the schema to understand that it is a chore and making a big deal about it makes it a lightbulb memory instead of just a helpful act. It also reinforces the behavior as exemplary when it should be deemed natural. Also, as you mentioned, they will then look to be praised for every act, which is unhealthy as it increases anxiety to always be good and unsustainable because if you neglect to comment they may think they are not being good. They might even become dependent on your approval of their behavior which inhibits their drive to take initiative. So the next time a child helped me “I said thank you for helping me, I really appreciate it.” This was an improvement for me.
Oh I love the way you've thought this out. I'm going to keep this in mind as my son gets older, he'll be two soon. Thank you for sharing. ♡
To my students I don't just say only "good job", I ask them how they thought of it/came up with the idea. It engages the child and makes them think of their process. It also calls out kids who have used help from AI or their parents to do a piece of homework.
I wish helicopter parents and teachers would remember that: 1, everyone deserves to learn (at whatever pace) and 2, empty praises deprive a child of the ownership of that hard work that they've done; the message they get is, "you've made me happy" rather than, "you applied yourself and proved you can do it yourself." . Children are not empty vessels we fill ideas into. They are living, creative beings that should be allowed the joy of self expression just because of their enjoyment of it.
I appreciate “you applied yourself and proved you can do it yourself.” Thank you
This was a thoughtful assessment. I particularly liked “everyone deserves to learn” and children are not empty vessels … but living created beings …
I like the quote "a mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be lighted". We should focus on igniting curiosity, rather than forcing facts in there.
You sound like an amazing teacher, I wish more were as engaged with their students as you are, well done for your insight and wisdom ❤
Thank you for this video. I'm not a parent but I've always had an issue with parents telling their children, "Good job!" To me, this sounded like the child had performed some sort of work or difficult task ... and as you say here, that he/she needs the reward of this praise. And this ends up becoming a habit for parents who will often automatically say this. If the child opens a door or has a conversation with grandma or eats all his/her dinner, I've heard a parent just automatically say "Good job!" When it becomes automatic it loses it's meaning.
Learning how to support a child is something I never learned as a child so this is amazing and incredible.
This resonated with me.
Just yesterday I watched my kid completely recoil when I overly praised a painting she did. It was clear she didn’t want that reaction. This video made me look at things differently.
Thank you!
Thank you for this video, it helps me recall part of my childhood experience.
As i watched, i began to recall instances during my childhood where my relatives or mom's friends were excitedly praising me "so clever" for the simplest things I've done.. and i remember feeling "insulted". And they would ask "don't you like people praising you?"
As a kid i don't know how to reply, but in my heart i was thinking, "these were just extremely simple or natural things to do" and doesn't require them making a fuss of it. Although their intention may be to encourage or to play nice, those "insincere" compliments did make me self-conscious and robbed me of the joy of doing those things, because i did not want to come across as doing it to pleased them.
So i totally agreed with this video that we could be robbing the child of their intrinsic motivation by lavishing inappropriate praises.
My parents didn't praise or worry about my schooling at all (I was top in class so there was no need to). The feeling I got was just that it was my own business and responsibility how I do. I think it preserved my intrinsic motivation.
Just to add, they had much more interest in whether I ate enough fruit, played outside enough and did healthy kid things, not that they lacked interest in general. Like still I feel my mum is way happier with me eating some garden berries than my phd 😂
Well my parents never appreciated my grades too but it took a heavy toll on me and I was confused when I came across your comment thank god for your addition I got it that they in general ignored my existence (seriously I would have gotten kidnapped if not for my brother; their excuse is they were busy(my mom is housewife) that they were preoccupied and never really wanted to have a third kid and were gonna abort but father didn't wanted to. So here I m 27 doesn't mind crying in public, no intrest in romantic relationships, no good job or either academia just simply plainly waste of breath on this earth. Man I need help🤣
@@tarika6476 you should definitely try to find a good therapist so that it would click that your parents disinterest in parenting has nothing to do with your value as a person. I quite like the TH-cam channel psychology in Seattle as a guide what an empathetic therapist would sound like
You will not derail your child’s development by inadvertently using the wrong phrase in praise. You may derail your child’s development by spending your energy to create an artificial environment structured on small psychological studies that may or may not have revealed what they claim, because living this way will make you a neurotic wreck.
Kids aren’t designed to be raised in perfect environments. They are built to find themselves in the midst of struggle. Their primary adversary is you. It’s your job to engage with fairness, love and consistency. If you can do this, most of the time, it doesn’t matter what phrases of praise you use. And if you can’t be fair, loving and consistent nothing you say will cover it up.
Go have fun. Make mistakes. Laugh, cry, whatever. Your are going to be crap at parenting and you are also going to get it right sometimes and that’s okay.
I thought this was common sense but im seeing an ever increasing trend of this neuroticism and its insanity
Thank you for this video! I still work with pre-schoolers at a bible study. One of my favorite things to say to children is "good job". Now I see that this kind of praise is not really helpful for the child's growth as a person. I will work on this to change my way and the child's way of thinking about themselves
This gives me so much hope! Im doing my absolute best breaking these generational chains passed to me and im so glad im aware and in control of not wanting the old ways for my son, its such a blessing to feel that there are so many people out there trying to make the world a better place starting with their children xx
I am trying to do the same, break these chains so they have it better than I did. But honestly the more aware I am, the more I realize how messed up I am and that I need help (therapy) for myself and my girls. So hard!
I don't have a kid and this video just popped up on my recommended, but I have to say I like the thumbnail because it's such a good idea. Put drawing boards on the walls so kids can show their creativity without messing up the walls
As a child who was IQ tested and had that information presented to me every time my grades weren't the very best, I can testify that the easier path was always my choice. I knew what I should be doing but I also knew it was more work than I was willing to expect of myself and I didn't want the conflict with my parents.
I love that you said to focus on directing praise at things your kids can control, I’ve heard not to say good job but I love that you have direction on what to replace it with and areas to focus on.
Wow! God really wants me to be the best mom. How I bumped into this video is pure miracle. I'm so happy to learn this right now. We just turned five and I've been praising hing with good job so many times 😢😢Now I know better and I will switch my conversation to the positive and growth-oriented praise.
Thank you for taking time to teach us.
A smile of quiet approval, admiration and appreciation goes a long way...
I agree 💯% . I made sure to teach my children from a young age that having a virtuous character is WAY MORE important to me than degrees etc. I do encourage them to get those, but they know it's their Loving hearts towards themselves and others that I value most. I'm happy to say, I can see it in their attitudes today ❤
It hasn’t hurt my 3 year old granddaughter. She recently spent over an hour of continual painting on a huge canvas in deep concentration and focus. She never gives up and drills on every newly learned skill. Her parents have slowed down in saying good job since she is 3 now but developed a healthy confidence and perseverance in ages 1-3.
I was thinking that.. a balance of both seems good to me. You don’t want them to no be proud of being smart, and you also don’t want them to not feel pretty or handsome. And if they did a good job, that is also valid! Praising only effort can also be a covert: “kudos for the effeort, but you didn’t quite nail it..try harder next time…” , which is valid on ocassions, but always?? Woukd make me feel not good enough…
I think a healthy mix of all is better…
This montessori daycare where I worked at, we were taught to only say good job when it was a skill that the child had been working towards and achieving new milestones. Like with potty training or being quiet during the entire naptime if that’s something the child struggled with.
If for example they were to do arts and crafts, we would never say ‘good job’ when they were done because otherwise that would teach them that they weren’t allowed to just explore and create things for fun. And that everything they made had to be a well done creation so that would put pressure on them to achieve this and receive a ‘good job’. Then they would think hearing such praise is all they had to work towards.
I’m not sure if I’m explaining this correctly as English isn’t my first language but we would essentially praise them only on work that they had achieved together. Like saying for example: “you guys have put away all the toys and helped each other clean up, you all did a great job at that, look how clean it is!” Or “I think it was very sweet of you to offer to take turns in playing with the doll, that was such a good idea of you”.
I think that she makes a lot of good points in this video, and I personally like hearing good job when it comes to myself haha but also the more in-depth comments on efforts are really good. However I think that it really depends on the rest of the relationship the parent has with the child. So for example if a kid gets praised for art or cooking (even in a Montessori way) but is belittled, mistakes pointed out, the parent doesn't really spend time with them, or treats them badly, I don't think that even praising in a Montessori way would do much good bc the praise has to be genuine and be truthful to the kind of relationship the child and parent have. If the parent praises but is a jerk to the kid all the time then the kid might not believe the praises, but if the parent genuinely and lovingly praises the child and has a good relationship with the child I think that both "good job" or Montessori method will make a profound impact on that child.
What if a child comes and shows a piece of work that I actually don't like? In that case the most authentic would be to calmly express the parts I like and parts I don't, otherwise I would be lying to my child and being inauthentic, that is hurtful too! No?
This is terrific. You really understand this at a deep level. When Dweck's book came out I read it. As a teacher it was clear how good it was. Then realizing I was still making mistakes praising my students I read it again. Then our education bureaucracy got a hold of the book. For two years I went to trainings and staff meetings where every single time they completely got it wrong. (Consider most of education is a system where they size you up as soon as they meet you, or hear the rumors about you, and then will do almost anything to hang on to that prejudice.) Then I attended a training where the presenter finally got it right. So there's some Growth Mindset required to understand these very basic concepts.
And terrific that you point out when praise isn't needed. When I was in the supermarket with my son when he was almost three years old, he asked where something was. I knew, but I said, "I don't know. Ask that guy over there." Then I turned away. A store employee was stocking one of the coolers. I'd immediately decided it was my moment to learn more about the jar of gefilte fish that was near me at that moment. He didn't want to walk over and talk to some stranger.... you could almost see the wheels spinning around in his head... but....he walked over and asked. Then he came back, told me where it was. Okay, we immediately skipped a bunch of aisles, found the item... No praise, just problem solved.I figure my job was to hand him a puzzle, and to reinforce his success support his solution as soon as possible. I learned a long time ago that having a problem and figuring out a solution is a complete positive reinforcement cycle all by itself. There's only a loose correlation between innate levels of intelligence and life success. Intelligence is an advantage, but a lot of very average people have learned discipline, how to break down a problem, and persistence. They probably got a lot of it through what Dweck (and you) are explaining.
I was a Montessori mom for my two oldest children. The best decision I ever made. I was so intrigued by the structure that I took the Montessori Teaching Program here in California.
I often tell my students, “Hard work pays off” when they achieve success.
Mm I disagree. Hard work could lead someone putting in a lot of effort in the wrong direction or without just compensation in adulthood. Is there a better verbage? Like "consistency pays off" or "strategic action doubles your rewards"
I use Dweck’s growth and fixed mindset information when helping companies change their safety/quality/production culture. The employees respond very well to it. I am a grandma and I also use it with my grandchildren as well and I can see the difference from when I was raising my kids. You live and learn. Thanks for creating this video. I enjoyed it very much.
I love the idea on how to praise children without saying "Good job! let's focus on their efforts when they accomplish something and talk about it.😊 That's how we raised wise and confident children.Thank you for this wonderful video. I love it 💕.
I hears you and I agree, with most of it. HOWEVER my parents would always tell me how smart I was... and that I carried through life... because of that, I believed I was smart, really smart, and could figure out anything. I am 50 now, and I challenged myself so much because of my smarts. They also said I was the cutest baby,.... and I very attractive child. I am still challenging my mind and maintaining my attractiveness.... vs other who let themselves go. I was an only child and grew up in generation x... I had to do most things on my own. I treasure my ability to figure out anything. 💕 I hear the point, but praise help me be confident ... then I learned to maintain it without praise....many years later.
This is so interesting to discuss further. I also think affirming words from significant figures esp parents have helped me build confidence.
8:15 kids will literally show you anything they've created because they're proud of it. Asking questions without saying you like it, will make them think they didn't create anything pretty and that you don't like it. And saying "thank you" when they've helped with a chore may make them think chores are not their job, but they will help if they feel like it. I prefer explaining that we need to, for example, wash clothes after we wear them because they are dirty, hang them to dry and then fold them and put them away, same with the dishes, etc. and I've noticed my son even not "bothering" me and waits for me to finish something when he can't help, then comes and show a toy or drawing to me. It helps if they get to know the process behind everything. But otherwise a really good video, I'm glad I stumbled upon it and watched it.
I was continuously praised as a child for being intelligent, to the point I hated it because it seemed like it was my only good feature. Also, being intelligent is mostly just luck. I was on the verge of becoming one of those brainy, mousy, serious people (and, being a woman, discarding my femininity too). It took me years to work on myself to believe I can be kind, agreeable, warm, or even creative.
Solidarity. As another clever woman, I was told “someone will marry you for your intellect.” They didn’t just think it, they said it. It was meant as a compliment. Worse still: somebody did.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing.
As someone in the top 1% of measured IQ myself, I *always* keep top of mind that my intellect is a gift from God, and I tell my children and grandchildren the same. However what we do with that intellect is our responsibility and approaching all things in our lives (no matter our position on the IQ bell curve) with excellence in execution is far more important. Consistent growth and development, personally and professionally, is the goal, and failure is a tool in growth that we should all embrace. Intelligence is but one factor in a spectrum of other controllable factors (practicing kindness, empathy, generosity of spirit, self-control, perseverance, discernment etc.). We do have to be very careful not to become one dimensional in what we value in ourselves, or in what we recognize as valuable in others, especially our precious little descendants.
I don’t agree that being intelligent correlates with loss of femininity on any level. That would be a conscious choice. People of very high IQ (150, 160+ ) have personalities as diverse as any other segment of any population.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have struggled with needing praise all my life, even though my mom gave it to us A LOT. I love her and she was just doing what she could with the tools she had.
I heard about that study a while back and started implementing things like “you really put effort into that!” Or, “what’s your favorite part about this?” Or, “that looks like it was fun!” to my niece and nephews recently and it feels so much better than, “good job!” It wears on me to constantly give a kid praise for something, especially when it’s not that good. 🤦🏻♀️ I recognize the effort they put in but I feel like I’m lying when I tell them good job, and then when they REALLY impress me, I have to go over the top. 🤷🏻♀️
I really appreciate this because it makes me feel like I’m not a terrible person for not wanting to express something every single time they accomplish something.
This is true my Dad used to give me $100 only when i got an A and $50 when I earned Bs. The forst time i recieved a bad grade i went into depression and was ashamed to show my grades ever again. I still struggle with making mistakes. But i have decided to go back to college as an adult! This was a very accurute video.
Thank you for this, very eye opening. As a single mom of boys I'm constantly afraid of breaking my children mentally because already they lack a male figure in their little lives. I want them to grow in confidence and self drive. Thank you
This has been my life. My parents praised every time I accomplished something. As a grown up it has become extremely hard for me to do something for my own sake instead of looking for people to validate and praise me so that I can keep going. These days, I am trying to figure out how to reparent myself to break out of this pattern. This video has been helpful, thank you for making it. ❤
I could have written this exact comment. Sending you good energy on your reparenting journey! ❤
This video is so helpful and thought provoking!
On the flip side, something I learned about criticism… Long ago I read somewhere how one might unknowingly criticize a child without saying a word. The example given was praising the child for making their bed while smoothing out a wrinkle or adjusting the pillows. I did that kind of thing a lot. I’m a detail person - ok possibly a perfectionist. This helped me accept ‘good enough’ (sometimes ‘good enough for now’) from my kids and when I practiced it for myself, I removed many self imposed stressors. It also made think about how it’s ok for others, even kids, to prioritize what’s important to them differently than I do. I’ll file this under: don’t sweat the small stuff.
Growing up, I constantly sought approval from my mom which was close to impossible to get. When she did acknowledge something she followed up with telling me how I could have done it better. Maybe she thought she was being helpful but instead I came to believe whatever I did and who I was wasn’t good enough. As parents, we need to be mindful with our guidance & priorities.
I love this! Im the mother of a 16 month old and already I can see “empty praises” effects on her. I do mean well and sometimes I talk to her about what she’s done. But because she isnt fully able to understand and verbalize yet - I realize i resort to the praises but I will definitely be doing it the correct way. I know she’ll feel the energy and overtime will be able to understand what I mean.
She claps herself when she does something and looks at me for validation and i give it to her. But this video resonates alot with me and will be applying for sure.
Literally SAME! But now I’m like.. what am I suppose to do when he claps and looks at me? Hahah
Mr Rogers knew. He sang "you did it, you did it, you did it" in a gentle way.
I like the asking the question,’ how does that feel’ good way for them to learn to be aware and process their feelings 👍🏼
I say Good Job a lot haha, but Ive also made it a point to say thank you a lot. My child really enjoys helping, and I can see that through saying thank you he's really cared for helping and contributing.
It’s so true, it’s very important to interact with growing children like you would an adult. If your partner seems excited about a new opportunity, you might say “I’m so happy for you” and the same can apply for children. I notice my small nephew has been praised a lot growing up which appears to have built his confidence, but he’s easily disappointed when he doesn’t get the praise or attention he expects. I’ve been thinking about ways to raise a child that’s more independent ahead of having one myself and this seems like a great start 👍
I wish I knew this (about) 39 years ago when my son was starting his school years. As the “baby” of the family and left on my own from roughly 10-11 years old I only had condemnation from my mother. Nothing from my dad. So basically I didn’t know what to do. When I had my son my husband was stationed in Kentucky so I was cut off from family and never had anyone who could pass down motherly “wisdom.” So raising my son was a battleground. I tried praising him but nothing I did worked. My husband signed him out of school when he was 15-16 years old. I didn’t know about it which is what my husband intended because he knew I would never condone it. I have begged him to at least get his GED but he has staunchly refused. Unfortunately I think my grandson is headed in the same direction as his parents. After you mentioned it I realized my daughter in law uses “good job” all the time. I’m always on the lookout for some new construction going on in the house. That’s what I think of when I hear the term. Your video needs to be listened to by school teachers everywhere. They use the term as well. Thank you for airing this. Even though it’s a little late for me maybe it will help other moms!!
Great video! I do feel I learned something new. I was also happy to hear things I already do. Like when my daughter helps with the dishes.
She’s 7, one Saturday morning after we had breakfast I stepped out of the kitchen to do something in my room. I took longer than expected. But when I came back into the kitchen my daughter had put everything we used to make breakfast away, wiped down the table and kitchen counters AND washed the dishes leaving the knives and glass aside. My first reaction was “oh my goodness Bella did you do all of this by yourself?” And I fell on my knees and hugged her so tight. I looked at her and said “thank you!” I remember telling her how much I appreciated this. That her help means a lot to me and it’s one less thing I had to do. She was so content with herself.
I share this because my first instinct was to thank her, not praise her. 💕
Thank you very much Haize 😊 this is a new lesson to me. I used to say "You are so smart" to my little brother as an encouragement, but I'll change now
It’s always important to praise yourself in this manner, too. If you know what it feels like, you will know its value when you share it with another (especially an impressionable child). Then, what has always been part of your 1st Nature (the abilities with which you came to life to express) you are now making “2nd Nature.” Most adults have a profound disconnection when it comes to intrinsic confidence in our own ability. Encouraging yourself feels really good. Then share it to keep feeling it. Spread that gift around! Love this video!
I feel like this explains a lot of narcissist origins. Some where given too much praise and then when they grow up they look for people to continue to validate everything about them. And some were given too little and do they same thing forever searching. I like how this shows you still give them praise. But teach them to inner validate in a healthy way. Narcissists are just children who’s body’s have aged but their mentality hasn’t. They find ways to adapt and hide it the best they can. But many in their inner circle see their outbursts of adult tantrum. I like how this video says it helps the children have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset. The narcissists does not mature and keeps a fixed mindset.
I personally find that you are so happy when you see your child do something (to go to the toilet by himself...) is a natural feeling that comes to me. If at that time I considered in my mind how to praise my child, I fear that the happy moment will pass and when I think back, I will have nothing to smile about.
do it for them, not you; then you will have the happy moment and encourage a growth mindset in them - win win, it will also come more naturally as time goes on;
That’s when we say nothing sometimes. She did mention biting our tongue. What i experience is too much needless chatter. Grandma here wanting just a smile and less noise!
"Look at you, going to the bathroom like a grown-up. You saw how and you did it." Then move on. Is that too much?
Best advice: kids are unique let their praise be unique
This lends into the whole "im proud of you" phrase. We should be saying "you should be proud of yourself".
I enjoy this kind of mindset and feel inspired to use it not just with kids but with those I train at work. I think this will greatly help me with some of the summer students that struggle with the work at the beginning.
Wise and thoughtful praise that is sparing, I believe is important.
As well as tailoring for individual needs.
I was never praised for intelligence (lowest scores in exams being around 98%), instead it was “thanks to god and prayer” it made me extremely destructive for a period of time because all I wanted was to be praised for doing a good job but because I wasn’t, I stopped.
In the end I said f them, they can think whatever they want and went back to doing well.
Lack of praise caused lots of relationship issues for me when I was a child through to early adult years. So each to their own I guess.
I’m a babysitter and I’d like to use these compliments more as I often say good job.
I have noticed that when kids are colouring in and they show me their progress, if I say something like “That’s very creative” it encourages them to try different things with less fear of staying “in the lines” or making the picture “accurate” colours
This is interesting. I'll try that!!
I am so thankful for this video and those who have shared. The simple act of being present, seeing, acknowledging their presence is in my present world, ineffable. I have no words for that simple act, which strengthens the foundation for the future of that child. Thank you. There are so many who cannot even comprend this kind of care. Thank you for sharing your love and compassion. ❤
Praising a child when done something right or good encouraged them to do good deeds with wisdom , & help to stir them away from negative , dangerous or selfish behaviours! ... 🙏🕯🌷🌿🌍💜🕊
I am so glad I found this video! I’ve been raising my child with this mindset all the time. And it was very difficult for me as I was going against the education system of the country where teachers will say Good job or Great for each and every move of a child even if the child made a mistake. Along with long struggle I kept developing in my child the intrinsic motivation to work hard by praising her hard work, and helping her maintain the hard work. She is now finally saying “I’m proud of myself” after she’s finished her task or studies or project without feeling pain about how hard she worked on it. I’ve been always teaching patience and perseverance, without any object rewards or inflated praises. Only this type of kids will be able to keep themselves grit and mentally healthy at all times.
I am an US public elementary school teacher and I see this in practice everyday. Some students walk across the room and get in line, and turn to the teacher expecting praise or rewards ( and teachers say "Good Job!" and hand them a piece of candy). Also, so many students seem to have no motivation to learn or do better. They might be 10 years old, can't tie their shoes, and don't seem motivated to learn (I learned when I was 4 years old). This explains some of the lack of motivation I see every day.
Wow. What are we creating. 😮