Detaching myself emotionally in order to fully go through with the consequences is my challenge and what I am working on. I have came to the conclusion that it is my emotional attachment to my child that gets in the way of being consistent with discipline. I sometimes end up negotiating and the convenience of peace is what gets me. I need to work more on consistency and emotional detachment while practicing discipline.
I've gotten so used to my children's grandparents crossing my boundaries when it comes to their role, and my decisions for my own children, that I've allowed my toddlers to continually cross my boundaries at home. I now realize I'm allowing it out of guilt. I feel inadequate and judged when the grandmother cross my boundaries regarding my kids. I have made a list of specific boundaries that are non-negotiable and some that are negotiable. If they aren't valued and respected then I have a plan b and they'll have to face the consequences. Mama is tired of being ruled by everyone in the family circle. I have the sole right to decide what is and what isn't ok for me and my kids. It gets put into practice right now for both children and grandparents. ✅ I don't want to raise codependent adults like my parents did.
Me too, my rmental health and trauma responses have been brought to light as a parent. And are very important. Now we are able to process them better and improve every day. Not just for ourselves, but for our little ones. Looking into mental health, self care, daily affirmations and putting into action to improve each day does help me work through it, even though I don't always feel like it.. It can be difficult to remember when triggered or emotionally unavailable... but we always evolve and can do better even than the day before. Practice, Patience and Perseverance
I know this is an old video but my 5 year old is so challenging. He is literally me and he’s stubborn so I need to learn to set boundaries so thank you for this video. I have a 1 year old and one on the way. It’s so hard..
That's because we're treating it like a battle where one party must enforce their will on another, treat any of your other relationships like that and they'll be very hard too. Any compliance will be out of self concern (self centered thinking/selfishness) and there'll be no motivation to behave when the authority isn't watching or when they think they won't find out, which is when the *vast* majority of bad behaviour in society happens, in fact behaviour gets worse with punishment (or consequences doesn't matter what you call them) rewards also condition doing the right thing for the wrong reasons and only risks getting locked into bribes of ever increasing value to get the same effect, doesn't actually make the person fond of the rule itself though. For thousands of years societies didn't punish/reward their youth and there is still some small societies today don't, they have no violence in them, nobody trying to be bigger/more powerful because they didn't learn when younger that size/power equals not being subject to rules or suffering which lesser power people have to tolerate. They have an actual love of the rules/expectations rather than just a fear of the punishment or desire for the reward, they don't do the right thing for such self centered reasons and as a result when there's nothing in it for them they still want to do the right thing. "The natural child project" has resources which talk of this and similar, "self directed learning" "unschooling" "Dr. Peter Gray" and parenting without punishment and reward are all useful terms, I do not condone any parenting "style" children are not humans in training with different "training methods" or "styles" to impose on them like experiments, only thing I condone is the "moral golden rule" parenting (just like I do moral golden rule husbanding, wifeing, friending etc,) and that's "treat your children how you like to be treated/don't do unto them what's hateful when done unto you." There is a lot of resources out there to help with this and they're critical to abolishing every issue in humanity and therefore are way overdue as a social cause.
Sadly in last office I worked for all the top guys had tantrums. Slamming things, screaming and trashing your self esteem until you defend yourself or walk away from it. Kids just are acting up due to role playing and too much drama around them until is too late.
Working with a stubborn 6 year old, part of me feels like oh my gosh am I doing something wrong? Have I not done a good job over the last six years…..but I’m going to change those emotions around and look for advice elsewhere, the advice I’ve gotten from everyone else hasnt gotten me far
Parents not setting and enforcing boundaries affects more people then they realize. I drive a school bus and had a battle of wills with a kindergarten kid the other day when i asked her to move to the front of the bus because she wouldn't stay sitting. Honest to god, I sat there for 5 minutes fighting with this child. It got to the point that the other kids were starting to get mad at her. I had to keep them calm while trying to convince the chilld to move. You could tell she had never had someone follow through, that whining and crying got her way in the past. When she finally realized I wasn’t moving the bus until she moved, she eventually listened, only to start dramatically crying when she sat down. Once again, the other kids started getting annoyed and yelling at her to stop. I told them to ignore her, it was all to get attention, and low and behold, 5 minutes later, she was perfectly fine, singing quietly to herself. Your lack or parenting skills should not be everyone elses promlem...
Thank you so much,I'll try that. Also I guess we can show the reasons behind our boundaries. Because following rules get easier when there is logic behind it. For instance, when a parents says to a child that "We won't go the park in afternoon if you don't clean the mess", she can also show the reason that "we won't go because then I'll have to get busy myself cleaning the mess or I'll do something else" It is possible that the child may not understand & when it's afternoon when the parent starts cleaning, the child may start helping to clean so the work is done faster. It would be a challenge here to forgive the child & take to the park Or stick to the rule as stated. This makes me wonder everyway we behave teaches something to child. If a parent makes a child follow rules, the child grows to be like a blind follower, if the child never had or had incomplete boundaries, the child grows to be a rebellion. If a parent teaches too much logic & the child knows how to figure out consequences (literally perfectly), s/he may grow into a person who doesn't know how to live with a free mental state. I guess everything is needed
My daughter and I both Have Autism and adhd. Our brains can't just follow a direction and do it because of what's called Executive Dysfunction. So If you told us "Hey, Honey Or (Child's Name) Can you put your toys away for me please? It wouldn't be effective to us. So what we have to do as neurodivergent parents working with neurodivergent children/child, we have to help them clean up and make it fun for them in order for them to get that lack of motivation up enough to do the task. starting a task is hard for our brains. So we have to make the task fun for ourselves and the children/child. Like coming up with a challenge. see how many toys you can put away by the time mommy/daddy comes back in your bedroom. If my parents made tasks like that fun for me, it would have helped a ton. Thank you for sharing.
Great video full of important information! That being said, I searched for " how to raise children to set boundaries" and this is what popped up. This stuff all applies but one thing that isn't addressed is teaching your child they have a right to say no. It's one thing to model the behavior by saying no to your child, but do they get a chance to exercise their right to refuse consent BEFORE they turn 18, or do we expect them to just figure it out as an adult? Is it possible that growing up having your boundaries disregarded by the adults in your life could teach you that that's part of being an adult?
You don't disregard a wives boundaries, a friends boundaries, a co-workers boundaries even a total stranger's boundaries, why would you disregard your son or daughters? and the reason you don't disregard any of those people's boundaries has nothing to do with what it'll "teach them" it has to do with what you're been taught and that's "treat other's how you like to be treated" (the famous moral golden rule) talking about how kids will "turn out" how the painful thing we're doing today will effect them tomorrow is treating them like a "mean's to an end" instead of a human, a experiment of sorts, it's in my opinion dehumanising. Just don't disrespect your son or daughter's boundaries for the same reasons you don't anybody else's, that's more than enough reason if it wasn't, we wouldn't be using it already so much for everyone else. Also it does teach very bad things anyway which can in worst case scenarios lead to murder and other criminal acts and has lot's of times before and in lesser cases self esteem issues which can be exploited by malicious people, makes one more suspectable to peer pressure/force, less likely to report harmful things and more open to "coping" mechanisms for self esteem issues of which there are many and none of them are good but again none of this should even have to be true for us to agree with respecting our kids as we'd like to be respected.
Also, There is a difference between A Tantrum where a child doesn't get what they want. Or A meltdown where something gets too overwhelming, and we show it. Know the difference.
Get someone in your personal life like your husband to give you orders for example cleaning your room and if you don't obey when he tells you too, you have no one to blame but yourself when he gives you the consequence, honestly adults aren't capable of keeping their cool when being treated like and talked to like this so why should we expect children to be? do they have a higher level of emotional control? it's simply condescending and misopaedic. The "golden rule" has been around for thousands of years across innumerable countries, it's actually to "treat other's how you like being treated" it's not what's stated in this video of be calm and collected while not treating other's how you like being treated, a threat politely worded and calmly carried through is still a threat, in fact it's more de-thatched and inhuman doing it with no emotion. Punishments and rewards encourage self centeredness, decrease empathy, neglect an opportunity for communication/negotiation (aka training in logic and reasoning) establish an unhealthy power dynamic which encourages conflict and "might makes right" all of which are horrible for humanity.
Do you have a video on teaching kids their limits and how to communicate it. Because what you’re saying doesn’t work on a toddler because they don’t remember
@@Ocean40197 It is never too late. Within the first 10 years because after that it gets harder. Not impossible AT ALL but just harder with a 9 year old because there's a lot to learn & takes a little time since your foundation has been set. I suggest the LiveOnPurposeTV TH-cam channel! There's @drbeckyathome and @parentstogether and @curiousparenting on instagram- these are my faves for parenting advice. @raisingyourself on instagram is a good one for personal growth ❤️❤️❤️
Hi Aideen, I would like to know what I can do with my 16 year old teenage daughter who is dating and wants to go to her boyfriend every day. What do I do or tell her? That at 6 pm or earlier she should be at home, because it's cold and neither I nor her mother like her to walk until late. I'm also afraid that the grades will go down, due to this relationship. What can I do? It would be interesting to make a video on how to set limits on teenagers. Thanks for your help.
I believe you can explain experiences of people who used to concentrate too much on love life and couldn't study properly, & where they are now. You have the advantage that your daughter is not a toddler but a grown girl who can understand stories. You can try to know what she feels & has decided about her studies. I guess You can figure out what is first main issue, she catching cold? The grades falling down or the guy who is not really worthy? If the guy is good let her go & have her experiences, some things like this are special, I bet she feels so good. It doesn't matter if their relation is serious or not, just make sure the guy is not some pervert who can harm your child emotionally & physically. Don't worry about catching cold, your daughter can take care of that. The question is about the grades, you can teach her time management, you can teach her how to plan. A lot of parents go around keeping rules for their teenage children about things that aren't important, but they never teach how to manage or how to figure out consequences. They don't teach children how to have a clear vision about life. If your daughter knows that studies are important & knows how to set boundaries with her boyfriend & set plans for studying & has a clear vision, & also knows how to judge the guy & to keep or drop him, there's nothing to worry about. Which brings me to the next way is that maybe you can teach her how to judge a guy if he is good or bad or worthy her time. 😀
Yeah lol that’s not black mailing at all. It’s a consequence, its keeping them responsible for their actions, it’s teaching them priorities, it’s teaching them how to keep their space clean before moving on to the next thing aka keeping down mess and keeping down more stress for you as the parent with a messy home!
Detaching myself emotionally in order to fully go through with the consequences is my challenge and what I am working on. I have came to the conclusion that it is my emotional attachment to my child that gets in the way of being consistent with discipline. I sometimes end up negotiating and the convenience of peace is what gets me. I need to work more on consistency and emotional detachment while practicing discipline.
I've gotten so used to my children's grandparents crossing my boundaries when it comes to their role, and my decisions for my own children, that I've allowed my toddlers to continually cross my boundaries at home. I now realize I'm allowing it out of guilt. I feel inadequate and judged when the grandmother cross my boundaries regarding my kids. I have made a list of specific boundaries that are non-negotiable and some that are negotiable. If they aren't valued and respected then I have a plan b and they'll have to face the consequences. Mama is tired of being ruled by everyone in the family circle. I have the sole right to decide what is and what isn't ok for me and my kids. It gets put into practice right now for both children and grandparents. ✅ I don't want to raise codependent adults like my parents did.
“Convenience of peace” I feel that!!!
Me too, my rmental health and trauma responses have been brought to light as a parent. And are very important. Now we are able to process them better and improve every day. Not just for ourselves, but for our little ones.
Looking into mental health, self care, daily affirmations and putting into action to improve each day does help me work through it, even though I don't always feel like it..
It can be difficult to remember when triggered or emotionally unavailable... but we always evolve and can do better even than the day before. Practice, Patience and Perseverance
Same for me!
I know this is an old video but my 5 year old is so challenging. He is literally me and he’s stubborn so I need to learn to set boundaries so thank you for this video. I have a 1 year old and one on the way. It’s so hard..
That's because we're treating it like a battle where one party must enforce their will on another, treat any of your other relationships like that and they'll be very hard too. Any compliance will be out of self concern (self centered thinking/selfishness) and there'll be no motivation to behave when the authority isn't watching or when they think they won't find out, which is when the *vast* majority of bad behaviour in society happens, in fact behaviour gets worse with punishment (or consequences doesn't matter what you call them) rewards also condition doing the right thing for the wrong reasons and only risks getting locked into bribes of ever increasing value to get the same effect, doesn't actually make the person fond of the rule itself though.
For thousands of years societies didn't punish/reward their youth and there is still some small societies today don't, they have no violence in them, nobody trying to be bigger/more powerful because they didn't learn when younger that size/power equals not being subject to rules or suffering which lesser power people have to tolerate. They have an actual love of the rules/expectations rather than just a fear of the punishment or desire for the reward, they don't do the right thing for such self centered reasons and as a result when there's nothing in it for them they still want to do the right thing.
"The natural child project" has resources which talk of this and similar, "self directed learning" "unschooling" "Dr. Peter Gray" and parenting without punishment and reward are all useful terms, I do not condone any parenting "style" children are not humans in training with different "training methods" or "styles" to impose on them like experiments, only thing I condone is the "moral golden rule" parenting (just like I do moral golden rule husbanding, wifeing, friending etc,) and that's "treat your children how you like to be treated/don't do unto them what's hateful when done unto you." There is a lot of resources out there to help with this and they're critical to abolishing every issue in humanity and therefore are way overdue as a social cause.
Thanks for the video I'm still working on staying calm I always lost it but then I realize it won't help my kid from this video thank you so much
Sadly in last office I worked for all the top guys had tantrums. Slamming things, screaming and trashing your self esteem until you defend yourself or walk away from it. Kids just are acting up due to role playing and too much drama around them until is too late.
Hi! I'm a teacher at secondary school in South America. It works with teenagers as well.
Could you share more, I'm Interested. For Example, how do you do it, or are there any additional steps?
Working with a stubborn 6 year old, part of me feels like oh my gosh am I doing something wrong? Have I not done a good job over the last six years…..but I’m going to change those emotions around and look for advice elsewhere, the advice I’ve gotten from everyone else hasnt gotten me far
Parents not setting and enforcing boundaries affects more people then they realize. I drive a school bus and had a battle of wills with a kindergarten kid the other day when i asked her to move to the front of the bus because she wouldn't stay sitting. Honest to god, I sat there for 5 minutes fighting with this child. It got to the point that the other kids were starting to get mad at her. I had to keep them calm while trying to convince the chilld to move.
You could tell she had never had someone follow through, that whining and crying got her way in the past. When she finally realized I wasn’t moving the bus until she moved, she eventually listened, only to start dramatically crying when she sat down.
Once again, the other kids started getting annoyed and yelling at her to stop. I told them to ignore her, it was all to get attention, and low and behold, 5 minutes later, she was perfectly fine, singing quietly to herself.
Your lack or parenting skills should not be everyone elses promlem...
Thank you so much for the help
Thank you so much,I'll try that. Also I guess we can show the reasons behind our boundaries. Because following rules get easier when there is logic behind it. For instance, when a parents says to a child that "We won't go the park in afternoon if you don't clean the mess", she can also show the reason that "we won't go because then I'll have to get busy myself cleaning the mess or I'll do something else" It is possible that the child may not understand & when it's afternoon when the parent starts cleaning, the child may start helping to clean so the work is done faster. It would be a challenge here to forgive the child & take to the park Or stick to the rule as stated.
This makes me wonder everyway we behave teaches something to child. If a parent makes a child follow rules, the child grows to be like a blind follower, if the child never had or had incomplete boundaries, the child grows to be a rebellion. If a parent teaches too much logic & the child knows how to figure out consequences (literally perfectly), s/he may grow into a person who doesn't know how to live with a free mental state.
I guess everything is needed
Although this is geared towards younger kids, I feel it's applicable for children of many ages. Thank you for your guidance
My daughter and I both Have Autism and adhd. Our brains can't just follow a direction and do it because of what's called Executive Dysfunction. So If you told us "Hey, Honey Or (Child's Name) Can you put your toys away for me please? It wouldn't be effective to us. So what we have to do as neurodivergent parents working with neurodivergent children/child, we have to help them clean up and make it fun for them in order for them to get that lack of motivation up enough to do the task. starting a task is hard for our brains. So we have to make the task fun for ourselves and the children/child. Like coming up with a challenge. see how many toys you can put away by the time mommy/daddy comes back in your bedroom. If my parents made tasks like that fun for me, it would have helped a ton. Thank you for sharing.
Omg my child is 9 thank you for mentioning that
Great video full of important information! That being said, I searched for " how to raise children to set boundaries" and this is what popped up. This stuff all applies but one thing that isn't addressed is teaching your child they have a right to say no. It's one thing to model the behavior by saying no to your child, but do they get a chance to exercise their right to refuse consent BEFORE they turn 18, or do we expect them to just figure it out as an adult? Is it possible that growing up having your boundaries disregarded by the adults in your life could teach you that that's part of being an adult?
You don't disregard a wives boundaries, a friends boundaries, a co-workers boundaries even a total stranger's boundaries, why would you disregard your son or daughters? and the reason you don't disregard any of those people's boundaries has nothing to do with what it'll "teach them" it has to do with what you're been taught and that's "treat other's how you like to be treated" (the famous moral golden rule) talking about how kids will "turn out" how the painful thing we're doing today will effect them tomorrow is treating them like a "mean's to an end" instead of a human, a experiment of sorts, it's in my opinion dehumanising. Just don't disrespect your son or daughter's boundaries for the same reasons you don't anybody else's, that's more than enough reason if it wasn't, we wouldn't be using it already so much for everyone else.
Also it does teach very bad things anyway which can in worst case scenarios lead to murder and other criminal acts and has lot's of times before and in lesser cases self esteem issues which can be exploited by malicious people, makes one more suspectable to peer pressure/force, less likely to report harmful things and more open to "coping" mechanisms for self esteem issues of which there are many and none of them are good but again none of this should even have to be true for us to agree with respecting our kids as we'd like to be respected.
Excellent work!!!
This was very helpful! Can you make a video how they can set boundaries at school starting from k-
Assalamualaikum ! Really good video. Plz make another one on'how to control our (parents) triggers well' ?
Agree with this!
Thank you so much 💖🙏
These videos are amazing
Such a great video!!
Thanks again Jenny!
My 4yo starts hitting me and telling death threats if i don't do as he tells..it's horrible.
Also, There is a difference between A Tantrum where a child doesn't get what they want. Or A meltdown where something gets too overwhelming, and we show it. Know the difference.
Very valid suggestions..
I think u could say at what age it has sense to set those boundries.
Get someone in your personal life like your husband to give you orders for example cleaning your room and if you don't obey when he tells you too, you have no one to blame but yourself when he gives you the consequence, honestly adults aren't capable of keeping their cool when being treated like and talked to like this so why should we expect children to be? do they have a higher level of emotional control? it's simply condescending and misopaedic. The "golden rule" has been around for thousands of years across innumerable countries, it's actually to "treat other's how you like being treated" it's not what's stated in this video of be calm and collected while not treating other's how you like being treated, a threat politely worded and calmly carried through is still a threat, in fact it's more de-thatched and inhuman doing it with no emotion. Punishments and rewards encourage self centeredness, decrease empathy, neglect an opportunity for communication/negotiation (aka training in logic and reasoning) establish an unhealthy power dynamic which encourages conflict and "might makes right" all of which are horrible for humanity.
Do you have a video on teaching kids their limits and how to communicate it. Because what you’re saying doesn’t work on a toddler because they don’t remember
Clicked on patreon. It took me to another person's page.
Do you think it’s ever to late to fix yourself relationship with your kid. Deep down I know it’s not but I just idk guilt. Want to do better
It’s never too late. ❤️
@@Ocean40197 It is never too late. Within the first 10 years because after that it gets harder. Not impossible AT ALL but just harder with a 9 year old because there's a lot to learn & takes a little time since your foundation has been set. I suggest the LiveOnPurposeTV TH-cam channel! There's @drbeckyathome and @parentstogether and @curiousparenting on instagram- these are my faves for parenting advice. @raisingyourself on instagram is a good one for personal growth ❤️❤️❤️
Hi Aideen, I would like to know what I can do with my 16 year old teenage daughter who is dating and wants to go to her boyfriend every day. What do I do or tell her? That at 6 pm or earlier she should be at home, because it's cold and neither I nor her mother like her to walk until late. I'm also afraid that the grades will go down, due to this relationship. What can I do? It would be interesting to make a video on how to set limits on teenagers. Thanks for your help.
I believe you can explain experiences of people who used to concentrate too much on love life and couldn't study properly, & where they are now. You have the advantage that your daughter is not a toddler but a grown girl who can understand stories. You can try to know what she feels & has decided about her studies. I guess You can figure out what is first main issue, she catching cold? The grades falling down or the guy who is not really worthy? If the guy is good let her go & have her experiences, some things like this are special, I bet she feels so good. It doesn't matter if their relation is serious or not, just make sure the guy is not some pervert who can harm your child emotionally & physically. Don't worry about catching cold, your daughter can take care of that. The question is about the grades, you can teach her time management, you can teach her how to plan. A lot of parents go around keeping rules for their teenage children about things that aren't important, but they never teach how to manage or how to figure out consequences. They don't teach children how to have a clear vision about life. If your daughter knows that studies are important & knows how to set boundaries with her boyfriend & set plans for studying & has a clear vision, & also knows how to judge the guy & to keep or drop him, there's nothing to worry about. Which brings me to the next way is that maybe you can teach her how to judge a guy if he is good or bad or worthy her time. 😀
I feel that Black mailing is not the best advice (of u dont clean u dont go to the park)
That's not blackmailing. It's a consequence.
Yeah lol that’s not black mailing at all. It’s a consequence, its keeping them responsible for their actions, it’s teaching them priorities, it’s teaching them how to keep their space clean before moving on to the next thing aka keeping down mess and keeping down more stress for you as the parent with a messy home!
tuyệt vời
America struggles with boundaries its why I'm leaving.