How to deal with toxic family relationships | Johnson Chong | TEDxRolandPark
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ก.ค. 2022
- Is blood really thicker than water? Is being family enough to outweigh the toxicity of an unhealthy relationship? Over 1 in 4 American adults have experienced family estrangement, be it from one, or both parents, a sibling or a relative. The main causes are emotional abuse, personality and value clashes, mismatched expectations and possible physical/sexual trauma. Johnson Chong poses the idea that toxic family relationships are similar to unspoken one-sided contracts that are full of expectations and obligations that keep us from unapologetically living the life we deserve to live. He asks the question, "if we can negotiate legal contracts, then why not toxic family ones?"
As a gay man, he feared disappointing his traditional Chinese parents who were freedom swimmers, a movement of asylum seekers who risked their lives swimming across the Southern Sea from China to Hong Kong to escape Communist rule in the mid-20th century. Johnson has had to break free from the traditional pressures of what his parents expected of him - to be a hetero-normative son abiding to traditional Chinese customs. And as is the case with many bi-cultural immigrant families, he straddled the fence for a while until he dared to break up with these imposed values that were not in alignment with who he truly is.
Hashtags: #johnsonchong #relatinoships #breakup #family #toxicrelationships #authenticity #familyestrangement #toxicfamily #estrangedfamily Johnson Chong is the best-selling and award-winning author of Sage Sapien: From Karma to Dharma. He is a shaman and the founder of Sage Sapien Soul Academy where he trains aspiring meditation and breathwork teachers. Through the synthesis of the most applicable teachings of yoga, meditation, breathwork, coaching and shamanic healing, his trainings are designed to help people quiet the mind, awaken the heart and free themselves of the roadblocks that keep them from living more authentically and joyfully. He has spoken and led workshops at companies like Unilever, Facebook, Nike, Macquarie, Insight Timer, UBS, UOB and more. Johnson is a native New Yorker, and has lived on 3 continents, currently based in Sydney, Australia.
To connect more with Johnson to see what offerings and programs he is currently running, follow him on facebook and Instagram: @johnsonchongsagesapien, or visit him at www.johnsonchong.com This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
sitting down and talking to family members is impossible when they will not listen to you in the first place....
I grew up in low income household in Los Angeles. I am the first to go to college, actually I even earned a Masters degree. While in college I utilized the on-campus therapy and worked on myself. I bought a house. I’m the first to have an actual wedding. I am in a healthy marriage and have a child. Of course my cousins stopped talking to me and spoke poorly of me. They are jealous. Instead of feeling proud or desire to improve their lives, they chose the cheap route.
Isn’t how toxic relationships can be formed through jealousy. You broke out of the mold because you strove to be more. I broke out of the mold by simply existing outside the framework of tradition. In both situations, toxicity was created because of expectations to stay within the confines of the familiar. To go a step further than dealing with renegotiating family contracts, we could say that the very first step is in renegotiating the contracts we have with ourselves. Why are we so entrained and engrained in small ways of being? Is it out of fear? And when there is a total embrace of accepting the unfamiliar as part of life, then perhaps toxic relationships are less likely to form because the relationship with ourselves is harmonious to begin with in the first place.
Thanks for sharing and inspiring new reflections for me.
I always thought that bourn in a low income home is a blessing, otherwise you don’t grow up having a sense of been grateful!.. they can take everything from us .. but not this !
@@halleysky8005 experiencing obstacles and overcoming them is very much part of the human experience. Financial or otherwise. You’re right. It’s exactly the story of the lotus. Without the appreciation of moving through the mud, the lotus will never blossom into its’ full beauty.
@@halleysky8005 that is so true ♥️
Well done Yvette, you are an inspo
If they want to change you, they do not love you. Do not ever compromise on your right to be unique...signing a contract means that you are willing to sacrifice something. It took me 51 years to walk away from an extremely toxic family and won't ever "negotiate" my happiness with them again.
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I'm happy for you.
I bet you are breathing easier and don't have a headache. Tender condolences for the loss of hope and take care.
@@GwenRN Thank you dear. I honestly still pray for all of us to be united.
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"I just wanted my parents to choose me" hit like a brick
Thanks for connecting with the topic ❤
Me too.
5 STEPS OF RENEGOTIATING FAMILY CONTRACT
1. 8:36 Hear + let them know that you did ===> create empathy
2. 9:22 Communicate your true emotions clearly ===> they can understand the effect of their words on you
3. 9:42 Demonstrate (without blame) your understanding of where they're coming from + where you're coming from ===> prepare for the 4th steps
4. 10:22 Request what you want in the relationship
5. 10:44 Offer them the choice to click "agree" ===> they can decide for themselves + you will have a definite answer
11:24 Does this guarantee success?
11:40 What do you do with a "No"?
It takes courage to let go of s.o who can't support you as you are. But if you can find that courage, the reward is you can live unapologetically as you. Renegotiating your family contract doesn't guarantee success/acceptance/..., but it does guarantee that you gain more courage + a new level of self-respect.
I am learning to choose myself.
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Thanks for the notes
People don't change, when I told them to stop humiliating me they stop for 2 days and then they start again even with more hard words.
Yea. That's where l am... They just gather more ammunition to make me sound more weird and more crazy, and l'm dreading their wrath even more. And l remind myself- l am middle aged. I live 7000 miles away. But then l grieve for the good times we had when l pretended, and played the game, and didn't stick out, and for what could've been.
@@CesiajdYour right alot of people don't change. This is one womans ways of handling her mil. Everyone is different. So I say if mil can't respect you, then make PERMANENT BOUNDARIES.
This message is what people need to hear. To be unapologetically ourselves without the guilt and shame of family contracts. Thanks Johnson for this inspiring talk!!
Guilt and shame unfortunately are unconsciously woven into the way we are parented in order to elicit desirable behaviour. Conscious parenting in conjunction with renegotiating our family contracts is definitely how we need to move humanity forward on the micro level. Thanks for commenting.
M. M. ZMm
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~Plato
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Thank you for this beautiful reminder!
The Chinese household statements hit hard. I feel the constant need to fulfill their obligations. Everything from marriage, job, and daughter obligations. It is overwhelming and scary.
Know that you’re alone in it. And that you have every power to shift things into more alignment with what you want for your life.
I just want to work, do my music, make a lot of money and buy my mom a house.
But everytime I talk to my uncles, they always pressure me into just marrying someone. Always want me to do things they want me to do.
@@daoyang223 it’s a difficult one. And it’s a common one in Chinese culture. The obligations of what it means to be Chinese male is toxic in the culture even if it comes from a place of well meaning intention - it creates pressure that is not of your own choosing. You can try to renegotiate through difficult conversations. They might get it, they might not get it. But just remember to stay in your truth unwaveringly.
Sister, I feel you. Please stand firm. Live your life. Because they will soon pass, so you will learn to be independent and live your own life.
@@daoyang223 You got this!
A parent with mental health issues like mine couldn’t enter the contract; the mind is not sound. But the constant abusive interactions have to be enough to distance yourself. It’s not easy either way. Stepping back and finding self love is a journey. Thanks for sharing! Great communication skill technique. Wishing you continued Joy!
It definitely isn’t easy either way. Thanks for sharing.
I am in the middle of this very situation! Its exhausting, painful and i do not enjoy. Keep loving you. Hope it works out
@@debrashepherd7359 a big virtual hug to you. You got this.
it is so difficult. Never been heard, still traumatized.. and feeling guilty at times.
@@silviaborgers4105 It is indeed very difficult... voice of experience speaking. Be strong, it may take a long time but it does get better.
I was surprised at the one in four statistic of family estrangement. There are so many people out there just enduring. This is a tough topic and he really spelled it out very simply for people to understand. Congratulations to you sir. I’m glad I don’t fit into my family dynamic, the holidays can be particularly painful. And congratulations for staying so calm during an emotionally charged discussion you are courageous.
Thanks for your comments and for watching the talk. Happy holidays and new year to you
So we’ll done. Thank you!
I was raised in a violently abusive, neglected family of ten children. We are all adults now, but the dynamics between us all is toxic. While I refuse to interact with my siblings in any way; they don’t know where I live or have my phone number, I nonetheless, feel tremendous compassion for each and every one of them. Certainly, my life is more peaceful without the challenges of trying to decipher the hidden meanings, the jealousy, the unresolved childhood issues, and the general dysfunctional habits. I have recently been diagnosed with a degenerative disease and I know my days are numbered. I am so relieved to have found a new family who do love, value, and care, for me. All I can wish for each of my siblings is that they are as lucky as I have been. They all deserve it.
Thanks for sharing your story and for stepping out the the drama paradigm. Much love to you 🙏🌈
I wish you continued love from your chosen family.💗
@@kikis_stuff Let's not peddle non-science medical advice to people who make an admission about having a pernicious disease. We should wish them little pain and peace. That's all.
@@kikis_stuff I'm going to choose to see your naïveté in the light of well-meaning kindness. Bless your heart.
Stay safe.
This hit on a different level since I was also born into a quite conservative Asian family. I finally decided to move out of my parents' place last week and my payment for the contract went through today. I've struggled my entire life to meet the expectations my Dad had of me academic wise and in other aspects of life as well - such as I should get married and have kids...
I know it means things are going to get quite uncomfy as in I would be lacking a lot of things that I took for granted as I lived at my parents' place and it IS a bit scary to stand on my own feet solely without anyone's help, but I know "living as myself unapologetically" is really important to me whatever the cost.
Thank you SO much for sharing this beautifiul message, Johnson. It couldn't have come at a better time. I hope whoever's reading this can also find the courage to live as who they truly are!
Thanks for sharing your story and also for diving into living unapologetically as yourself. I am so happy to hear this.
Couldn’t agree more! I have the same story.
When my friend and her siblings turned 18yo, the Parents gave them luggage- to move out! They were all excited to get the Luggage, they couldn't wait!! Personally, my home life was fractured, ( no drugs, no alcohol, no abuse, just a lack of nurturing) and non-sensical, so I moved 1200 miles away to save myself. I've had a beautiful life, parts of it sucked, sometimes boring, tragedy+ lawyers- all the flavors! It all works out, AND we are spirits having a human experience. Good for you!
@@GwenRN yes indeed. I agree. Blessings to you. 🫶
Make the move! Do it.
I don’t understand how loving your kids unconditionally is so difficult for some people. For me - there is no other choice. It’s like a biological, instinctual all consuming, unavoidable reality. I love my kids so fiercely and there’s nothing they can do that will ever change that. I will love and support and protect them until the day I die and hopefully after that too. Their happiness is my happiness. Period. And I don’t think this makes me special or makes me a good mom. It just is what it is. I have no control over it. I can’t turn my feelings off and on and nothing my brain says will ever override what’s in my heart. And I simply just can’t wrap my head around there being another way.
Edited to add: And I’m not being judgmental. I’m not naive and unaware. My own parents have let me down. I just think it’s sad....and way beyond my ability to understand.
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@kristinecrowley8321 @@johnsonchong2093 I believe the commenter's feelings are genuine. Unfortunately, the sentiment of unconditional love can also be distorted by parents: I (the parent) love you unconditionally and therefore my actions are always justified. Or, I love you unconditionally so I am write and you are wrong for placing conditions on your love.
Most people don't even love themselves and aren't aware of their insecurities before having kids...that's why they aren't capable of giving unconditional love. It's a sad truth!
The delivery... the whole presentation. PERFECTION.
Thanks for watching and resonating 🙏
There was no bitterness in him.
@@johnsonchong2093do you have social media? I would love to follow your content.
You speak so eloquently and gracefully about such a tough topic. thank you so much for sharing your truth. i needed this talk so much during this time in my life.
Thanks for watching and for resonating with the topic 🫶
@@johnsonchong2093Dance, dance 🕺... If you wanna dance 🕺. I even know the leader of the techno trance !
Great information, unfortunately only civilized open minded individuals will want to make an effort. There are some family members who just don't care and are unreasonable individuals. They don't care if your feelings are hurt all they care about is what they want. Some toxic family members are rude, manipulative, selfish and narcissistic.
Yes and in that case you break up ❤
Unfortunately out of nowhere.
How to break up with your toxic family-so important. I had to do this similar process years ago…and amazingly a decade later my mom and I were able to “renegotiate”. Unfortunately, my father chose not to. Thank you for sharing your idea worth spreading. Brilliantly said. So powerful and useful.
It’s definitely not an easy choice to let go of family relationships that are toxic. Thank you for sharing that.
I was scapegoated by both parents and their 'fave'... 3 uglybullies
Not sure what your particular family dynamics are, but here's a question....is it always that family is toxic or can it sometimes be more case of a toxic relationship WITH your family? Couldn't it be that the personalities and ways of thinking are like oil and water and there's absolutely nothing in common and as a result, too many expectations on both sides? Just a thought.
@@ddhqj2023 for sure the Expectation is a two way street. The biggest traffic jam that leads to toxicity is the lack of communicating them. Once they are communicated, and there is a respect in agreeing to disagree then, fantastic. If not, and it affects how you live, then choices need to be made.
I am so sry! I hope there is hope in the future for restoration but if not, proud of you for doing what you needed to for your mental health! ❤
I was raised in a dysfunctional family environment all my life. The blame was always placed on my father's alcohol abuse. Only after my father's death... I began to understand and remember how and who the actual troublemaker was - my toxic mother. Unfortunately, my alcoholic father wasn't totally responsible for our family disfunctions. Now, more than ever -I am scared of my mother's toxic lying nature. She has already established my sister's good faith and both my immediate family is making me the scapegoat.
I don't imagine I can ever get my own family to understand my concerns and emotions.
Same. Did you find a way out?
@@musicallife3981 Same. I did find my way out. It was so liberating experience. I never restore my relationship with my parents. They both died and I'm happy with my decision. I have relations with siblings now (after 20 years), but very superficial.
I hope you can but try to find acceptance through Jesus who loves everyone unconditionally and by loving yourself if you never can get your family to care about your concerns and emotions the way you should. I know how you feel. I feel very similar.
It's always complicated to deal with toxic family relationships...
Yes indeed
So enlightening and profoundly thoughtful…reminds me of how true this Rumi statement is: “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
Thank you!
I love that quote 🙏
I love how you break down the steps for people who feels comfortable to speak with their parents about renegotiating, a chance and hope to preserve the relationship under a new contract. I also applaud your courage for coming out and speaking your truth to your family. As a Chinese, I know how much turmoil and challenges that can cause to you and your parents (and relatives). Not to mention, the emotional suffering pre- and post the breakup. Unfortunately for many of us, we skip the confrontation and gone straight for the breakup because our parents aren’t capable of sitting down and talk like adults. Yet, this is a great educational piece for us who have chosen the off beaten path to deal with family separation. You’ve given us who suffer in silence and shame a voice and place to be heard and seen. Thank you Johnson!
Thank you for your message and for resonating with this topic. I appreciate you 🙏
My sister and her friends subjected me to years of emotional, mental, and physical abuse. When my father was ill and required care, it was left to me to care for him - she had to take care of her own family (I also had a family, but that didn't matter to her). When he died, I was left dealing with his estate. The only thing she said about it was 'Call me when you sell the house'. When I sold the property, she betrayed me and ripped me off to the tune of about $26,000.00. I'll never speak to her again. There is no dollar amount that would convince me to even sit in a room with that horrible monster for a single minute. I have spent years doing all I can to kick her out of the real estate in my mind.
I am sorry that you had to go through that. Thanks for sharing.
I like how this is applicable to any toxic “contract” or “relationship”- live life on your terms. I’ve seen other content from this person before about facing trauma head on and find it very helpful. Great to see this video from him.
Thanks for sharing and for resonating.
This was an amazing talk. Needed this to sink in for me. Thank you for the extra phases
Thanks for watching and resonating.
5 step method of renegotiation
Step 1: 8:37 hear the other person and acknowledge
Step 2: say how you're really feeling
Step 3: connect your stories - demonstrate without blame
Step 4: 10:35 request for what you want in your relationship
Step 5: 10:48 invite them to click agree
Thanks for being the first person to take notes. 🙏let me know how it goes
Oh gosh, thank you, I didn't know you had a channel, wonderful advice. I actually wrote this down because I had shared this with all of my family and wanted them to click through. 😂
@@ShimmerBodyCream that’s so sweet of you.
This is one of my favourite Ted Talks.
Thanks Angel I really appreciate that. What an honor 🙏
It is definitely going to be one of mine as well a lot of videos I literally take notes we aren’t born with these type of life skills they have to be acquired on purpose such as awesome great videos like this one I learned so much it’s easy to react yell curse get depressed this is proactive and it gets the job done successfully peacefully
I never ever in my life felt so much pain from family hurt,rejection and isolation. My family hurt me last year,believed something I never did and when the truth came out they tried to come back into my life but them not believing me the first time was the deepest cut through my heart.
I am so sorry that happened to you.
For even the first step to work your family has to even be willing to sit and talk, let alone listen. I'm glad this worked for him and maybe for others but certainly not for me.
Really great! Navigating a toxic family with a new partner has been eye opening. He was very confused, because his family is supportive. When I finally said, I don't care if you ever meet my family I think he finally understood because something shifted. IDK what journey my family has been going through for decades, it feels like trauma from an earlier century! I refuse to be held accountable for feelings they cannot identify or express!
Thank you for this talk. I get the gist of this…. Be who you are. Up until my late 50’s (I’m mid sixties now) I was the scapegoat of the family. And in my role as scapegoat I was the fixer too. Blamed for most dramas that others instigate, then spending an inordinate amount of my time and energy trying to make everything ok after. I didn’t wake up to the pattern until late 50’s. I’m mid sixties now. I learnt boundaries. I tried point 2 with my sis when she made her decision to not include my family in her wedding party (a bbq in a garden) . I did respect her decision but it made me so sad. I told her that in a kind way. She threw her toys out the pram. She could not and would not talk to me about it. I guess that jumped me straight to point 5. Though I did attend her wedding, I really didn’t want to but hid my feelings while there. (Still “fixing” things then) . Again she had every right , it was just the way it was done . Since then contact with my extended family has become less and less. It’s sad but best for my health. Even with the small amount of contact there’s dramas.again not instigated by me but I’m the one accused. The latest one..I didn’t budge on being me. My sister has said I’ve changed and she doesn’t like me now. That’s cause I no longer people please. But I’m tired of that world of unhealthy behaviours now and it feels alien to me .
You continue doing you. Thanks for sharing. And it’s a big thing to step out of the people pleasing role, even if you didn’t get their til your 50s. Great work. Keep it up. ❤
Hi Sudenim, I resonate with your post! I was the scapegoat and fixer too. I am physically and emotionally exhausted of this role. My increasing age has made me stop this dysfunction. I don't want to be disrespected anymore. Plus they refuse to use and make light of my new pronouns. 😥
@@OllieT123 I’m sorry you weren’t being respected Ollie. You are doing the right thing though. Life is simpler and more peaceful without the dramas. I love the saying..”be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” All the best.
@@sudenims5235 Thank you!
Thank you for both being authentically you 😊 it's a scary place to be when you're not accepted for being yourself but you're dead right it's a step worth taking
Thanks for watching and resonating 🫶
What an inspiring talk Johnson. Your ability to turn your experiences into a positive outcome and authentic self are truly commendable. Great talk!!!
Thanks for watching ❤
Had to do this 7 months ago and am so proud of my courage to do so. I think about it now and realize, what I was doing before wasn't actually "living", it was living under a contract of someone that wasn't me for fear of not being accepted. Thank God for therapy as we leave these contracts!!
I’m so happy that you rewrote a contract and moved through the fear of not being accepted and leaned into your truth. I love hearing that. 🙏
That’s it! Living in fear and under a contract until it makes you sick.
living life on your terms in the end that's the most important thing.. so powerful.
Yes indeed. I hope people walk away with that at the very least.
I'm a straight male and I've been blessed with the most caring and understanding parents. My wife however, hasn't. We have a fantastic loving relationship, but the most challenging thing has been the contrast between our families and how we're treated. My family have supported our life decisions and have been there for us to benefit from their advice and wisdom. We don't agree on everything, but the respect is there. Conversely, we are going through a process with my wife's family and we're still not really ready to give them the contract ultimatum that you describe, but your talk is empowering and very relatable. Her family doesn't hesitate to attack our choices, and give judgement on every little thing we do / don't do. We're ending up sharing less and less with them and slowly drifting apart.
Thinking about the unspoken rules and expectations that a family places on you as a "negotiable contract" helped me see how I could approach and deal with the issues with my own family. I sincerely wanted to improve my relationship with my parents and at least try to live life on my own terms, as Johnson said. This talk empowered me to do exactly that. In this talk, Johnson not only gave me the tools to discuss my family contract confidently but also helped me feel like I wasn't alone. This talk is brutally honest and useful to almost anyone who wants their family to support them but doesn't know how to approach the conversation.
Thanks for watching and resonating. I wish you the best in your renegotiation process
Thanks for this amazing talk and sharing! "Family Contract" idea is definitely a big inspiration.
Thanks for watching and resonating with the talk
So beautifully woven together… to be able to draw boundaries and recontract with our loved ones and break the cycle of toxic relationships is so needed. Only then can we live our true authentic self. Thank you for this wisdom Johnson!
Thanks for your message and for resonating with the talk ❤
What an important topic and talk this is. I hope that TEDx keeps this available in their permanent library. We need more examples and Asian voices out there talking about these critical issues for mental health and our social well-being. It should not be that hard to love your family members and yet we've all grown up not having ideal "contracts" that respect who we are, and model love and acceptance. Love is Love is Love.
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🎯❤️ Exactly!
8th 8
You are absolutely correct we need more videos from the Asian community and in my opinion other communities as well the super handsome gentleman made an excellent video This was very very well done
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! It helps me to get the last push of courage to address my perverse narcissistic mother and sister. I might loose all my family but the struggle isn't worth. I want to choose LIFE. Wonderful speech!!!!!
I love Johnson Chong's brilliant approach to toxic family contracts. He gives real hope to all those locked in static, frozen modes of behavior which don't actually serve anyone. Trying his method may well lead to real release of energy, understanding and eventually love of those also blocked on the other side of the cliff that they feel they cannot cross. Well done Johnson! As always, you bring a healing messages! You are a star!
Unfreezing may be painful, but necessary..thank you so.much dear Johnson!
I especially appreciated you sharing how your self-respect grew- who says we have to remain tethered to our DNA family members- when freedom, self-respect and self-love or the path to it is through the other side- THANK YOU for this talk- ❤️
❤thank you for watching. Big love to you T.
I am chinese decent living in Indonesia, now I am 56 and my dad who lives with me always says that I owe him unpayable amount of money.. Thank you for yr presentation, I am not the only one.. 🙏🙏🙏
Johnson, I'm so thankful for you. I'm from the same hongkongness background. I am a 43yrs old divorcee with no children. My mum feels entitled to my money, she asks me for money.
My mum has two mobile phones, has a pension, has a Chinese satellite channel, a home with step dad with all bills paid for.
I cannot afford her leisurely life style of singing and dancing.
I will follow your steps to renegotiate my contract with my mum:
1. Listen to your family.
2. Repeat what been heard.
3. Mutual understanding and affirmation.
4. State the terms and conditions of family contract.
5. Follow through the agreement whether there it is agreed or not agreed.
Please pray for me. I'm meeting her on 29 Dec.
Thank you for sharing your story that so many people can relate to and also being so proactive with giving the steps a go. I look forward to hearing about how it goes! Happy holidays from the UK and all the best with your renegotiation.
without being confrontational, sometimes you just have to break away from family and friends relationships if you want to be free, be yourself, and be happy... but one thing though, there should be no negative feelings in your heart. btw break away from negativities, too. 😍
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Absolutely love this message, I hope everyone watches this at some point in there life.
Thanks for your message and for resonating with the topic 🙏
Incredibly powerful. Will watch this over and over and share with friends. This will be so helpful to many, many people.
Thanks so much for watching and for sharing the message 🙏
In my case it was leaving christianity . Both parents raised me in church . But it actually is the reason our whole family is a mess. Im happier now . This is my path to travel on.
Religious fanaticism is a limiting phenomenon isn’t it? It hurts and feels so limiting. My wish for the world is that through separating from all contracts be it even from religiously limiting ones, that our individual expression of spirituality through the simple expression of being kind, compassionate, loving and happy is emancipated.
This would be a wonderful tool if the family involved were capable of processing and acknowledging emotion.
Everyone definitely has their own capacities based on their cultural upbringing, their personal histories, etc. However, the process of requesting is more for one to step into the truth of what they want and to request it. The inability to process from the other party, is an opportunity for them to learn and grow. And they cannot learn and grow, if they are not challenged with another's emotional experience which contrasts their own capacity.
Yes..oftentimes the family.member.may.
not be capable, and live in a bubble of self-righteous ness...
@@judithedwards6330 Or fear.
As some say, “Family is what you choose.”
Well, too simple, but also true enough.
Please don’t reach you mid-sixties without recognizing that if NEITHER parent wants/wanted you as you were, and it was eating you up despite your best efforts, YOU CSN DO BETTER “SOMEWHERE” ELSE!!
Quite seriously, don’t settle at the risk of not living your life, for you will NEVER please family members who will never ever appreciate, value or support your existence . . .
Thank you for this episode!!
Excellent I am adding this video to my psycho educational seminar at the treatment center I work at-Thanks Johnson!
This is so powerful❤ specially for sensitive emotional people to take such a corageous step and confront all the childhood trauma❤
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Your story is so powerful, as are the communication tools you've shared to help others navigate such painful territory and stay true to their authentic selves. Very inspiring!
Thanks for watching and resonating. 🙏
This was incredibly helpful and poignant. Also my work is drafting/negotiating contracts, so I really appreciate the analogy. I hope to, someday, not be distracted by family toxicity; it seems incurable even as I've separated myself from them. I find myself being (psychically) pulled in. I can't wait for the day I'm healed enough to not consider them in my day-to-day.
Love this! Having those conversations is so important for the community still, and I feel blessed to have such a neutral and grounded way to approach them in future. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us.
Thanks for watching and for resonating with the topic.
This was refreshing to hear. Especially the aspects of courage, self-respect and choosing yourself. When reflecting upon unwritten contracts, it amazing to see how much we grow, change and learn over time with different experiences. Everyone's story is uniquely theirs and I hope we all learn to live a life being comfortably and happily ourselves.
Thanks for watching and for sharing your reflections. 🙏
He’s a wonderful speaker, hit the nail on the head for Asian families❤️😍👍
Thanks for watching and for your message
phenomenal. i wrote down the steps, and will implement calmly, and be courageous about letting go, where agreement is not possible. i've definitely compromised way too much and stayed in relationships at the cost of great pain.. Thank you Johnson for your hard earned wisdom
Thank you for watching Annie and for writing the steps down. I hope they serve your highest self well ❤❤❤
Me too
Thank you for sharing. I hope this will shed some light in time within your family dynamics with your Dad. Honest, practical and insightful.
Thanks for watching and connecting. 🙏
Incredible listen and presence. Thank you for sharing your journey and the insights you’ve gathered along the way.
Thanks for watching and for connecting with the topic❤
‘Honey their the only family you’ve got’ yeah and I’m the only daughter they got and I deserve better?/// thank you for the validation
Yea that’s right you are the only one they got !❤
My mother loves me very much but sadly she’s not educated enough and she’s deeply affected by the unhealthy side of the tradition and culture. I didn’t realize I was emotionally abused by her when I was growing up, even till now, she still occasionally unintentionally hurt me with her words. I’m trying to heal this and trying to educate her to live on a spiritual level rather than material…
I completely resonate and hear you on this.Thanks for sharing
So bold and powerful. So much compassion and depth. Thank you for being brave
Thanks for watching 🙏
Bravissimo Johnson!!! extremely poignant & ultra important topic… you conquered and provided much needed clarity w regard to this paramount familial issue …( the toxicity)
On a lighter note, DANG! Not only well spoken, you are extremely handsome! ;*
Aw thanks so much! 🙏🌈
Such a great talk Johnson! Extremely honest and raw from your own experiences but also so applicable to many different situations. Incredibly practical but with undertones from the spiritual teachings.
Thank you xx
Thanks for watching and for picking up on the spiritual undertones !
I still have 15 minutes left, but I got to looking at this speaker and thought :
Oh.. my! He’s a sharp dresser, looking all refreshed, & after showing off his flair for dramatic a hand to shout it out in the moment.
Wow! Johnson!!!! So so powerful! Your presence is so inspiring.
Unreal and so easily applied. Love this TED talk. Want to watch it every time I need to have a difficult conversation with someone I love. 🙏🙏🙏
Thanks for watching and for connecting with the topic❤
This was amazing and most definitely can be applied to any toxic family contracts. I saw this video at time when I have finally decided that I will not continue allowing my family to place their opinions on how I live and how I parent my children. It has gotten so bad that my kids started to believe that what my mom said had more weight than what I said. Thank you for this because I now have the foundation to start re-negotiating the contracts that have stifled my growth and confidence for the last 20 years.
Thanks for sharing. And I wish you all the best with the renegotiation ❤
I used these steps and my parents opted out and no contact since. I grieved them and now they are trying to wrestle in on the condition that I take responsibility for their actions, my parents chose themselves and walked away. Truly awful but I was at peace now they are wanting communication but the fine print is still toxic
It’s interesting how people who don’t want to take ownership of their own actions always find some way of blaming others. Thanks for sharing Thomas. And I am glad you’re at peace with this. 🙏
Dearest johnson and Vicki! I am so sorry but at the same time so grateful for your sharing of your family trials. As I say what doesn't killyou makes you stronger!and you are beautiful my two favorite songs that get me through my rough times with my toxic family! You are wonderful and loved! Thank you! so much!🥰🤗
Thanks for watching and resonating and for your support ❤
thank you for sharing and putting something that is often vague, unspoken and subject to change into a clear and usable toolkit.
Thanks for watching and resonating
This is something I’ve been thinking through in the last year or so. Thank you for your insight and wisdom. 💕
Thanks for sharing. Family contracts can be so challenging that’s for sure. I hope the talk have you some inspiration on how to approach what you’ve been thinking through.
I realized I already had those conversations and need to accept the reality.
I definitely know what it’s like to still hold onto the fantasy of the ideal life. Breathwork, meditation, holistic energy work is my way into energetically recalibrating and letting go of the cords of attachment. I trust you will find your way. 🙏
Beautifully shared path to resolving 'unsustainable family contracts' and accepting the outcome. Going through a process like this, as he says, will lead to no regrets because one tried everything possible to renegotiate the contract one was born into. True, the happy ending may be impossible because the other party is too rigid and stuck in the contract. That's sad and unfortunate. That one gets to live life as a complete person capable now of seeking fulfillment is the true and guaranteed happy ending.
🙏yes, arriving at Wholeness as a journey for any relationship be it familial or otherwise is really the essence of spirituality. 🙏
A message everyone needs to hear. Love the communication tools too!
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Thank you so much, Johnson! This is exactly what I need right now. Thank you for sharing both your technique and your own story. 💕
Thanks for listening and for your comment 🙏
I was looking for temporary cure....and this guy gave me permanent solution...i don't know why but I'm feeling lighted by your talk
Such beautiful insight into the dynamics of invisible contracts, and a productive method to remove them. Very important for today, esp given the ones governments throw at the unsuspecting. Loved this! 👏👏
Family contracts, social contracts, governmental ones, etc. are all the same - unspoken expectations that need to be brought into clarity and mutual understanding in order for a more sustainable way of operating in the world.
I have a question and I believe that this will help all my fellow brothers and sisters out there in the world. What if they simply just refuse to "negotiate" in the first place? How do you go about it from that point onwards? I've been personally dealing with this for more than a decade and it has taken a massive toll on my well being. I started learning magic tricks as a hobby to kill time and to escape the reality I was facing and today I'm performing professionally and I absolutely love what I do. So is my story another example of a path that you can take? Turning all that negative energy into something positive which benefits you in other aspects of life? Something to ponder about!
So at the family reunion, you can simply announce "and now for my next trick, I will make myself disappear!"
I love it!! 😄
@@Sparkle835 sounds like a plan haha
I've adopted this method with regard to dating and relationships. I seem to be a magnet for men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so I decided that after two chances at relationships which ultimately disappointed and learning about why these parasitic types target me, I will no longer "negotiate" with men and I choose inner peace and happiness for myself instead.
Refusal to negotiate is a refusal of any kind of change at all. Basically, nothing is going to change, so the ball is back in your court, because they refuse to play, so what now? You can keep tossing balls, but they're never going to throw back, so you either choose to keep playing, or to stop throwing and leave the court. There is no negotiation if all parties are not participating, just like there's no game with only one person.
Brilliant. So inspiring. We want to see your shows!
I love the focus on being true to you. It's quite difficult though to see the situation for what it is at first especially as you say when you think unconditional love is what your parents have for you (and they don't). Thanks for sharing, really powerful .
Yes I agree. It’s always tough at first to see what’s happening when we are deep in it. We definitely need to create room for some space to become more objective if possible before engaging.
There is a test for unconditional love: At any age, would your mother or father be willing to die for you?
@@denisejohnson7686 I’m not sure that’s a question you’d have to ask them.
These are the most important conversations people should be have in this era.
Thanks for watching
Very well thought out and presented. I hope this makes parents or people who are dominant in relationships consider whether they’re abusing their power.
🙏🙏🙏
thank you so much for sharing this, im sorry that things didnt work out between you and your family. im so thankful you shared this story. i was so scared to even think of separating from my family and was ready to surrender to their needs. i feel a lot more confident and aware of my feelings now. this was really great. thank you so much truly.❤
Thanks for sharing. I am glad you’re feeling more confident now.
LOVE LOVE LOVE! Totally relate to your message and thank you for sharing .
Thanks for watching and connecting with the topic.
That is the first time someone spoke about this topic in a way that made me feel like there are solutions.
Until now I thought confrontation won’t change anything because my parents agree to one thing today and pretend it never was agreed upon on the next day.
But now I understand that confrontation is not about making them understand but rather to figure out if both parties are willing to respect the things that are agreed upon.
And if not it means to actually walk away to live your life. And that that can feel like closure too.
Thank you for sharing this. I really needed to hear this
Today my mom made fun of my mental health along with my dad and brother still I can’t stop loving her 🥹
Thanks for sharing your love
You dont have to stop loving her, but you have to accept her for who she is and what she believes and decide wether its worth losing yourself or you can “break” your contract and live 100% true to yourself . Trust me i know how you feel!
@@katylopez2781 thnx
My heart goes out to you! I can not begin to imagine the pain you must have gone through as a youngster, being let down by your own father!! Thank you for sharing your wisdom! You are a true warrior!!
Thanks for watching and resonating with the talk.
I've been through the same. And I have a similar temperament & approach like you. I could instantly relate, thanks for putting it out there.
Such great insight and I appreciate the 5 simples steps. Love the energy and great story telling of the author
Thank you for watching. 🙏
Everyone should listen to this at least once, I’ve taken some very important lessons at tools out of your talk Johnson , thank you for sharing your personal journey xx
Thanks for watching and for resonating with the topic❤
Yes. I agree with you. You are born to live your life.
Glad you resonate with the message 🙏
How wonderful for you, Johnson. Congratulations and thank you for sharing.
Thank you for watching ❤
Years ago when I was having particular issues with my parents, I remember writing a poem entitled Dutiful daughter.
Ooh do share it if you’d like.
My family, in particular my mom, uncle and his wife and kids, and their youngest sister my aunt, and all their friends talk bad about me behind my back and together in my face at family get togethers because they believe they understand why I don't talk to them, that they believe they know my past in the military better than I do. I chose to cut them off and out of my life recently because I'd had enough of the rumors and hypocrisy of foolish people. Don't let the lies and mindgames of weak people control what you know and who you really are, regardless of whether you share a bloodline or not. Know that YOU are worthwhile, and you are enough with the ability to become more if you choose to be
God bless you, dear.
That’s called family scapegoating abuse. Research family systems approach. Pity them that they envy you, that you’re more free, so they exact that price. Traditional families often feel very threatened. They want to know you’re still one of them. I understand your plight, and we are not alone. Take heart dear one! You are ok regardless of that stuff❤️🦋
Makes COMPLETE LOGICAL sense , THANK YOU 🙏🏾 Love & Appreciation to All
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Wow! That is a great strategy, it emphasizes respecting and acknowledging ourselves as who we are. I wish this renegotiating the contract would work with toxic narcissism too! I am afraid the narcissist would talk very nicely and agree on contracts during the love bombing cycle, then continue the cycle of devaluing, degrading, disappearing, etc. However, I am definitely going to try this to see if this can save my family.
Please let me know how it goes 🙏
I feel this so much. Thank you for this wonderful tedtalk ❤
Thanks for watching and connecting 🙏
I loved this TED talk. Looking forward to listening to more content from you.
I needed this advice. Your talk brought me tears as I am currently dealing with this situation. Hope I get a courage to live separately from my parents as they are never willing to negotiate. Thank you
Thank you for sharing. And a big hug to you while you’re going through the thick of it.
Such a great talk Johnson! Thank you for sharing and inspiring 💛
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