Were They Thinking of Me?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 มี.ค. 2020
- Today, I’ll be sharing with you some compelling truth about why men and women cheat. I need to warn you and put a bit of a disclaimer on this one: the ideas and insight shared in this week’s article are hard-hitting and get to the core of why affairs happen and why they can be so addicting. My team and I have made sure to do all we can to soften the blow, if you will. As you read Tim and Carol’s story, I hope and pray it provides clarity, insight into the mind of the unfaithful spouse, and wisdom for how to move forward.
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Infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW, is one of America’s foremost authorities on helping individuals and couples struggling with affairs and compulsive sexual behaviors. He is Founder and President of AffairRecovery.com, the first company to offer anonymous worldwide online group support for those impacted by infidelity. Reynolds holds a Master's Degree in Social Work and is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. In 1992, Reynolds developed and began leading “affair recovery groups.” He received his Master's of Social Work from the University of Denver and completed three years of post-graduate training at the Colorado Institute for Marriage and Family Therapy. He has also worked at the nationally-known Minirth-Meier Tunnel & Wilson Clinic before moving on to private practice: www.affairrecovery.com/about-...
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I hate being in this situation. It’s such a horrible feeling.
I agree! And then they act like.. what? They have no idea about the pain! Even for the kiddos!
so do i
This is really painful to hear but sounds logical to me. Infidelity is the most horrible thing that's ever happened to me. 😥
me too!
I'm in the same boat. She cheated on me... I am so hurt and lost. Lost everything. Her. My family my house.
Going through this AGAIN, for the 3rd time. I am so broken beyond belief.
Infidelity is the worst. It was worse than when the doctor told me I have MS.
She thought of me just enough to lie, then after that... nothing.
This video broke my soul. Been married for 31 years and I never put myself in a position to cheat but he did many times. I always said if you can’t tell your spouse what your doing you shouldn’t be doing it. If you need to escape so badly why not just leave if your that miserable why do you have to rip someone in pieces. I wished he would have just left I would have been on my way long ago this pain is at times unbearable.
thank you. good comments.
I completely hear what you're saying. We're just 9 weeks past D Day for me, when I found out my husband of nearly 39 years has had a 30+ year addiction to porn. Soft, hard, you name it. I've said to him a hundred times: How could you EVER think this was okay? If I had been standing next to you when you had your face in the computer screen, would you have been doing THAT? And I KNOW he was never thinking of me while lusting after porn stars and all that they do.
I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.
To think that a marriage can ever be the same is a delusion to the highest. I'm 3 years out and the pain is still so real and the thoughts are torture. I had decided today that I want out and this is not a way to live. I will heal but not looking at the person who inflicted this pain on me. Good luck to everyone but I am done with the whys, the cries and the excuses of it all.
I think to make a decision at all as firmly as you have - either way - is mature and respectable and I wish you strength and success in your future.
Kudos to you for having the courage, the resolve to end it. Staying is like suffering a slow and very painful death.
I stayed for my children but despite 23 years after my wife's affair our relationship was altered. A piece of my wife was taken from me by a stranger and what i got back was a altered human. Kids turned out to be very successful adults and i would like to think me sucking it up helped them. My wife does have regrets and she should. She created it and owned it.
@@PJHEATERMAN Tell me more of the overall story
@PJHEATERMAN the part where u said u lost a piece of your wife to a stranger hit hard . I am also staying with my wife for my son sake . I hope I'm making the right choice . Do u regret staying sir?? Or are you okay with how things turned out in the end
If the unfaithful wants so badly to escape, why do they ask the betrayed to stay? And why should the betrayed want to stay with someone who wants so badly to escape them?
YES. THANK YOU!!!!! FOR YEARS!!!
Yes! Exactly.
The escape-mentallity might be some kind of unhealthy avoidant feelings?.. and it might not be the actual "core" issue from the unfaithfuls perspective? the "need" for "escape" might be bad mental period in their lives. It can be manny reasons. Maybe addiction?
They want to have their cake and eat it too
They want to escape themselves
What puzzels me is that: if his affair doesn’t have to do about me, but is about my spouse escaping his real world, escaping his real world is also escaping from me .... so how can I understand that part?
YES. THANK YOU!
“Self absorbed and selfish is really a colossal understatement”….being distracted to minimize the intense pain and brokenness inside of the betrayer….Betrayal (which brings immediate satisfaction) is usually the ONLY action a broken, immature, non-coping betrayer knows to do. Run away, hide, lie, blame. Yes we are part of the world they want escape from. I like to think of how I was rejected, and blamed and mistreated and disrespected as the only survival mechanisms my betraying partner knew to do. The models his parents left behind as examples of problem solving were the “cold shoulder method” (mother), and completely controlling father. Since I was not responding as he expected when trying to control me OR using the cold shoulder technique, it spun him into “how do I exist in this --what do I do now?”mode. He had no tools for maturely fixing himself, or helping me fix our marriage. My time and decision to separate was a BIG leaning and turning point for us both. He had to grow up. I needed to learn different relationship language and skills. My husband was terrified, insecure, closed up, untrusting. Yes, two very separate masks.
I don’t understand what they are escaping my husband did what ever he wanted I was never controlling. He never took the kids to anything never paid bills never cooked cleaned or did laundry.
@@jensbornagain your situation sounds exactly like mine and I think it makes things harder for us to understand. I paid all the bills and he never contributed, to anything, I even helped him out of his debt!
He was always at the pub and I never gave him any hassle for it, I cooked, cleaned, worked longer hours, we even had a healthy sex life! So for me, I struggled with the audacity that HE could cheat on ME!!!
@@michellemcmanus0191 I am also in a very similar situation. I recently started reading up on codependency in relationships, and it made a lot of sense. Healthy relationships are about give and take, and working as a team. In codependent relationships there is no give and take. There's only the partner that does all the giving while the other does all the taking. I suggest looking into codependent relationships if you haven't before. It's opened my eyes to a lot of things, and helped me understand why I am the way I am, and why I seem to constantly attract, or became attracted to people that end up taking advantage of me.
I am the betrayed spouse. 22 months since D-day, I’m still working on the “why” and wallow in blaming myself for her infidelity.
I'm 31 years suffering, bud. The pain never goes away, but stop blaming yourself. Don't know your story, but seeing you ask "why" leads one to believe it was her, and not you. Hang in there.
6 years ago for me and I have finally forgiven myself. It’s not your fault someone did that to you. No matter what you were doing, that doesn’t excuse infidelity.
Same boat as you. Time will heal but the event will always be there. It's called accepting the reality and working on yourself first. She is secondary or a non factor in rebuilding yourself emotionally and physically.
@@mmm053 23 years since the day i found out. She's still with me and so is the thoughts.
@@PJHEATERMAN why would you still be with her if you still think about the affair? doesnt that affect the relationship? Does she know you still think about it?
No way was he thinking about me.. He left me when I was battling a severe bipolar depression... He is a narcissistic man.. Definitely she was happy to accommodate his needs.
I really question why i am trying to make this work everyday. She tells me she hates the affair partner because he took advantage of her during a weak time in her life. That is such BS from what all I have learned she must have feeling for him and the lies continue with that. I just always feel another bomb will be dropped on me and i keep myself at a distance emotionally as a result and i don't know how this will ever get better if she is never truthful. We are 6 months from D day
Not thought of during after first or last 🤦🏻♀️ how comforting. Why the affair partners tend to have it better and women now days prefer to be side chicks 🤦🏻♀️ 😢
This video amazingly came out exactly on the day I needed it! I had just asked my spouse yesterday this exact question. What pisses me off is sure, he had an affair to escape our financial situation and his loss of self esteem, but that left me holding the bag and dealing with everything while he went out and got his needs met. I’m trying really hard to understand. I so love and appreciate this video!
In the same exact boat. Today is our anniversary and I can’t help but feel like crap!
what sort of excuse is that for cheating? it doesnt justify he should cheat on you. im mad for you
Same here. The timing is perfect for me. Words can't describe the hurt, pain, and the betrayal.
He absolutely was not thinking of me and made that clear to me. The thinking of his addiction while with me is hard to take. It makes me feel so small.
Me as well. My self-esteem and confidence were damaged. It took time for me to heal and build myself back up. You are a good person and have value. I hope you find closure and happiness.
Same here 😢
Well, my ex wife decided to leave me for the affair partner after she got caught in her 3 year affair…..so to answer the question, no she was not thinking about me.
Honestly it’s disgusting and inexcusable to me that people do this and then look for ANY reason or understanding from the betrayed. Whom I’m almost always certain is also unfulfilled and unhappy and yet don’t solve it by sleeping with another person, lying and then coming back and saying, “I love you, I don’t want to lose you,” that is completely nonsensical and a cop out.
So why was he treating me like crap the whole time during the time of infidelity? Or why after he claimed he did only one time... he still kept conversations and meeting up?
Exactly
Great insight. Thank you for all these videos. But what hurts even more is knowing that the unfaithful is choosing the affair partner over you. He chose her, and left me standing in a world of pain. He wanted to start a new life with her. But the OW ( co-worker) chose to end the affair because she couldn't deal that I wouldn't leave. Now that some time has passed I now question my love for my unfaithful spouse.
Mine begs for me to stay. Always had always will. What's the point?
Wow I’m in the exact situation. You have any updates?
This was one of the most impactful presentations in this series, but was off a bit. After my wife cheated, I WAS thinking of her when I strayed. It was vengeful. Do I feel better? No. I'll never feel good again. That's life.
How do you feel now?
Are you guys still together
I’m positive I was out of sight out of mind during his secret life.
I asked my husband ,While he was driving 2-1/2 to 3 hours to meet her half way to have sex at a hotel , did I ever cross his mind.
He said I did , but he ignored it.
Such utter disrespect.
It not a mistake, it's a choice .
Ever time he chose to text,. talk ,video sex and meet the scank ass whore.
Both married , both breaking vows and marriages apart.
He says he loved me , never stopped . I said how can you love me and knowingly hurt me this way.
He said , I don't know. Just that I never stopped and was never going to leave.
I am having a hard time understanding how those who supposedly love you can hurt you so bad.
He is very remorseful, & very sorry. Wishes this never happened. He regrets the Whole thing.
Why did it take to destroy a good marriage in which we had, for a good feel fuck.
Porn addiction is a gateway drug to infidelity.
Just like alcohol, some people can't just have 1 drink.
Like a kid in a candy store. Technology had made it easily accessible
I am taking Harboring Hope Course and he is taking counseling for sex addiction.
Praying we can make this marriage better then before.
Our marriage is forever changed
Triggers for me are a tidal wave most times. Most come out of just words being said and or places and holidays
The O/W knew what dates were important to us. Holidays , birthday , Mothers day , fathers day Christmas Anniversaries used the hotel meets to her advantage. Either few days before or after the dates. Sex is powerful tool for a women to use.
She is a disgrace to women.
No one ever asked me for my permission. Especially when they talked about their spouses , like it was their right.
Such disrespect.
It's been 3 months since mostly full disclosure. 9mnts since initial impact.
Same here
Same here
I often said to him when I found out 6 months ago, why was I so easily forgettable after being together for over 26 years? I know that his actions really had nothing to do with me. Yet why am I the one trying to manage and navigate through the mess that was just handed to me when I never wanted it or asked for it?
Maybe not. I was the unfaithful one. And I always thought of my husband. I was trapped. So unhappy. Alone. A s I wanted my ex to hear me. But he did not. I always loved him. Just did not know how to love one-sided. Immature. He refused to reconcile and he divorced me. We met up a decade later and asked forgiveness of each other. Anyone contemplating...just don't. Don't be unfaithful. Just divorce if no other way. Adultery is your soul.
HARD TRUTH
BUT
WE CAN DO IT
i'm so hurt. I don't know what to do. I'm reaching out for information.
It really took me 3weeks to fully listen to this video. It's so painful to watch but it really gives a great outlook
I broke down into to tears. And felt betrayed all over again
Found these videos a few weeks ago it really helped me understand what I was going through thanx
I cannot say thank you enough for this video. 🙌
Super accurate. As painful as it is to be real with yourself, this is very helpful to give hope in healing. Thank you.
Thank you, this has put me into a place of great understanding.
My husband told me he “blocked me out.”
For years I made every decision thinking about him and us. The very first chance he got after we were married, he cheated, citing that he BLOCKED ME OUT OF HIS MIND. If I knew people could be like this, I would have never bothered with a relationship. I would be so much better off if I had just focused on my career.
I have been asking these questions to my unfaithful spouse since D day. You have explained it to the degree that I really understand. I’ve been working on not being the victim in our situation, more than one affair, physical and emotional. Wayne your raw, open, honest insight has help me understand my feelings and what my spouse has been trying to say to me. Hearing from you helped me hear it. Thank you this site has been so helpful.
Raw, open, honest insight, - do help!
It's almost trivial that an affar it's triggered by the desire and need to escape. But when a relationship/marriage is painful its usually is for both spouses. At least this was for me, with the added burden that I was taking on me a lot of the household responsibilities, naively thinking it was with a view to a common goal of a better life. I never chose to cheat to escape the difficult situation, even if for one night, but all along I was being cheated on for more than a year (and God only knows whether it's still going on). On the other hand I told myself, as I found out she was really emotionally engaged with the other guy that it couldn't be really helped. I mean the emotional part couldn't. I'm not one to believe feelings ca be tamed and cancelled. If you fall in love you can't help it. All they had to do was to have the guts to live it honestly, be open and allow everyone to move on eventually. No, they decided to stay undercover and let the betrayed spouse, me, continue to believe in a project that was dead and buried. They did that because it was comfortable for her to still have a home with a husband taking car of the children. Comfortable and cowardly.
Chill out. You really messed someone up?
Incredibly helpful, difficult video. Thank you.
One minor point - at minute 12, Wayne accidentally says that the affair is not about the Unfaithful. I believe he meant to say ‘the Betrayed.’
I caught that! Thank you for pointing it out! I was like “wait, what?”.
I caught that too. I rewound like 4 times to be sure i heard him correctly. I believe he mispoke. The affair is not so much about the betrayed as it is the cheater.
I am the betrayed. Through no extra effort I now have that badge. And I hate it. My heart, my mind, all that I valued in her and in my marriage is crushed!
I've of the BEST explanations I've heard. Painful. But honest.
Great video to help understand the unfaithful warped logic. Unfortunately my ex wife denied saying the AP was just a friend and it's all a misunderstanding. Even when I confronted him and he admitted the affair she still denied saying he just jokes around like that. I honestly don't know what's worse....the affair or the ridiculous lies. She didn't want to stop talking to him and in combination with the lies I wanted a divorce several months later. She got engaged and married to him shortly after. The only time I saw her cry was when I told her I wanted a divorce. I never saw guilt or remorse or even an admittance of the affair. I never understood why or how someone could do that to someone else, but this video hits the nail on the head....warped logic, shame and then being broken inside. It took me nearly 3 years of counseling to understand this wasn't my fault and that it had nothing to do with me. Once you can internalize and accept that, then the process of forgiveness can begin. I harbored anger for so long, but forgiveness was freeing in so many ways. It's for you more than them. She may never know I have forgiven her (and him), but I hope they can forgive themselves and get the help they need to be whole.
12 months since d day and I still feel dead.
Maybe this is why my husband of 27 years won’t even answer if he wants his shoes and other personal items he left. He won’t take the time to even think about it. He moved out 8 months ago, I don’t know if he is having an affair or not. Says he wants a dissolution but won’t do anything to actually acccomplish that. Maybe to sit down and pick what he wants to keep is too much of a buzz killer.
Wow. Great
No, they did not think about me. Certainly not my husband's AP although knowing he was married with kids. She had a choice. She could have said no, but she didn’t. I'm devastated 😢😢😢
We're not married. I cannot call him my spouse, but we've been together for 16 years. He had an affair and asked for a separation. I gave him what he wanted and remove myself from the equation. I'm in deep pain. But your videos is helping me understand.
❤
I know my husband was thinking only about himself and he told me later
How
Amazing she was 😢
I have tried to be there for him and hear his feelings
But he always goes back to her
He had 3 affairs but he says she was his favorite 😻
As he tells me all
This shit 😢♥️
My heart breaks and I wish I could
Run far away from him
But I have nothing or no one
So I am trying
that is brutal! you are very strong. I'm praying for you!
So sorry for his utter disrespect for you.
I couldn't handle that. This is hard enough.
One affair of 19 months is enough.
He gets one chance. This is it.
I decided to make it work.
The hardest thing I have ever gone thru.
No more chances , & he knows this.
He is trying.
But his defensiveness gets in his way of our healing.
Both getting counseling.
Have a good friend to talk to.
Or a group.
He sounds like a narcissist. Your partner is emotionally battering you. The wounds to our mental emotional and eventually physical health are very damaging. Please get help many places have a women’s shelter for abused women There’s often a crisis line available 24hrs a day. Be safe and God bless 🙏🏽💚
❤
For What' It's Worth My Simple Answer Is "NO"
Does it happen when the patner left suddenly for no actual reason except he got got cheating. He moved in withe the affair
My partner and I really need you guys. But we're in L.A.
Do you think there will be any ems weekends since all this corona virus has happened
Please visit www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend for more info!
ye they were and it was not to get caught
This is not alway true! Sometimes it it depends on the circumstances around what happened!
Does your team offer remote counseling sessions out of state? As much as I like my current therapist she personally hasn't experienced infidelity and I feel that there is something lacking because of that. You all seem to just get everything and explain it so concisely and eloquently and it would be so beneficial (we haven't been able to do the EMS weekend yet mostly because of money right now, but that is a must do if my unfaithful husband and I are to continue with our marriage).
Hi! You can reach out to us at info@hope-now.com for resources!
Could also be limerence …
My spouse of 15 years has been cheating with strippers for years. It started with a traditional affair and he almost was found out. So then he switched to people who are basically sex workers as a way to prevent me learning about his cheating. I just found all this out. Is this a marriage that can be saved? We have 4 young kids, including a newborn.