Thank you for this, and all your other videos. They are very well laid out on topics that are important. For everyone else, please take the help offered and put it to work. Review it, rewatch it and make it a priority. I know, RS practices, exercise, sleep habits, eating right, getting your work done, .... it is overwhelming. It’s also important. Maybe not everything is done every day but understanding how and why you react the way you do is a big part of maintaining good emotional health which will allow you to be part of healthy relationships throughout your life. It’s taken me nearly 40 years, a bunch of fleeing, fighting, freezing and strain on my marriage to learn this.
@@mammybelle7302 I also have ADHD. For me, practicing openness to a deep level has really helped me to not care too much about what others think about me. I try to search for new ideas/ theories /systems that can improve my skills. Everyone (as said in the video) has their own way of finding out what works for oneself, and I hope that you guys can find or already have found ways to improve. 😉👍
th-cam.com/video/PEexQAkhFpM/w-d-xo.html allo. ... i hear the term validation a lot but i have to wonder how some people or groups or even religions play on that fear of rejection?
*_Not everything that feels like rejection, is rejection._* *_Not everything that feels like rejection, is rejection._* *_Not everything that feels like rejection, is rejection._*
having to tell people “dont pay attention to whatever im doing right now my brains just like that hahah” while simultaneously crying as if youre at a funeral
Oh wow. Rejection sensitivity. I have that extremely bad at work. I care way too much but my coworkers and managers think about me. I can't stand even being a minute late because I think they'll start hating me. If we're super busy at work, the workload isn't what stresses me out. It's the idea that my coworkers and managers are going to start judging me and criticizing me for how efficient I am. This gets so bad that I cry about it at work sometimes. People at work have started noticing that I'm very different than everybody else, and that I'm extremely sensitive. Which only compounds the problem further because not only am I sensitive, now I'm sensitive about being sensitive. I'm really harsh on myself when I do poorly and I hate the idea that people have to walk on eggshells around me. I started to hate myself and I really want to know what's wrong with me.
I feel the same way but I don't have ADHD as far as I know. But I want to be diagnosed with what I think is bipolar depression. But maybe other things will be revealed to me.
For me, this takes the form of leaving a conversation with people and being afraid that I talked to much, said idiotic things without thinking, offended them etc. I then worry that they think I'm actually quite annoying. It happens A LOT, even with good friends.
Reliving conversations even with old friends wondering if I've offended them, if was boring, if I talked over them, if I didn't communicate my ideas properly.the self recrimination is brutal
Yup. One day, I owned up and shared with my sister in law. I left feeling really uncomfortable, afraid I over shared. I was about to see her again the next day, and I had a full on panic attack, because I was worried I was going to be rejected.
Who else feels as if their entire life has been ruled by fear? I literally never finished a single PhD program application because as soon as I hit the "letters of recommendation" part, I assumed no one would give me one, and I gave up.
I recently told a friend, with conviction and sincerity, that the only thing I learned from highschool was to never try, because you're never good enough. My entire life has been fear, self hate and self doubt, friend, so you are not alone.
I've been avoiding applying to grad school for 5 years even though it's been my dream b/c I have terrible anxiety even from just looking at the website. I feel so ashamed and I feel like no one gets it. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
I'm 40 and finally finishing my BA bc of... well ADHD is the shortest version. I would love to try a pHD someday but im.so scared I will fail terribly. The fact that you've gotten as far as you have is inspiring.
I do 😭 my life is falling apart and i only just discovered i have adhd very recently but knowing there are others on the same boat makes me feel better
The "not asking for things" part is so real. Not asking to come along when friends are going somewhere. Not calling a friend because there's something you want to see/do in case they don't want to, or come along because they feel they have to even though they'd rather not. Not messaging friends because you think you're only bothering them. Not asking your parents if they might finance an exchange year or similar things because they feel unnecessary because they are for us, and we are unimportant. Not asking for help in general. I'm working on it but it still happens and I hate it.
Oh, my goodness. Yessssssss. And don't people love you for it?! I know my boss loves my independence. But at the same time has coached and urged me to be more assertive, speak up in meetings, share my opinion, ask for what I need (which also prevents me from exploding like a volcano when I can stuff no more. It's rather unpleasant for the people around me). Hi, I'm an ISFJ with AD[H]D. 😆
That comment helped a lot. Thanks. Sometimes you can't put a problem into words and therefore can't be solved. I studied philosophy, but sometimes it is really hard to define a problem, solving is also hard :)
"When I was a kid, I brought a book with me everywhere because...I already expected my peers not to include me." Yep, that pretty much sums up my life.
The worst part of RSD is being rejected so much that you start to build up immense trust issues and can no longer answer normal texts from your friends because you fear that you’ll come of as weird.
When I heard kids with adhd are usually less liked and have fewer reciprocal friends, i lost it. I genuinely feel like there’s such a deep part of me that was just healed :(
I don’t think I had a real friend until I was an adult, thankfully then they came in their droves but that part of feeling so lonely for so long still hurts.
Yeah 😔 unfortunately this seems to be a statistical pattern with most of us. Cuz in our society most times different = bad… no matter what. And what can we be BUT different if our brains literally don’t process like the “standard” of the day? ..yeah
Therapy has helped me to reframe this. Everyone always told me to “be less sensitive.” Be sensitive! What I needed was capacity, to handle and process my sensitivity. And that is possible.
Sarah Olivares thank you!! Yes, it's not the feelings or the sensitivity, it's the way we manage it. I've come to accept it and even appreciate it about myself. Sometimes the voices from childhood come back, though.
I think the world needs more sensitive people, it’s hard to be sensitive but I think it’s a gift to others when we use it for being kind and understanding (vs. wrapped up in our own feelings too much). So it’s basically a superpower.
Anyone also feel like little things set us off, but then we are extremely calm about big things? Edit: yall r cool thank you for responding and sharing your experiences haha ❤ Edit 2 Aug 4th 2021: Still reading comments as they come up glad I'm not alone! Edit: Feb 16th 2023 still reading your stories guys! :)
Yes! It’s because with big things there’s a lot of stimulation so we actually calm down and can focus better. That’s why a lot of people with ADHD are EMS workers or Firefighters.
I never knew there was a name for the intense, visceral pain and anxiety I have always felt when I perceive I am being criticised or rejected. I have strong childhood memories of moments when I was spoken to harshly or felt criticised and crumpled inside. To know others feel this way too is comforting ❤️
there are also other words, like highly-sensitive person (= the best persons😊 ) or trauma-noise with regards to PTSD many call it body-memories (of past trauma)
This comment literally made me tear up. You just connected the dots of things I knew about myself and Rejection Sensitivity (which I just learned about) and put them together in a very real and very painful truth.
@derda1304 I have PTSD. What is trauma noise? Is it where you jump out of your skin if someone just walks in the room when you aren't expecting it? Or a noise so incredibly loud it feels like it's piercing your eardrums when no one else seems to be bothered by it? I am highly sensitive across the board. Emotions, eyes, ears, skin, and even tastebuds and of course being very jumpy.. it's annoying.. Every time it happens, it makes me feel like ppl think I was doing something wrong and got caught.. I know EMDR would be helpful for me, but it's hard.. to my knowledge is not covered by insurance, at least not mine.. I'm in fight or flight 100% of the time.. and ppl just tell me I'm too tightly wound and should just calm down and relax. That's just not how it works.. for me..Which goes back to the feelings of no one understanding or that there's something wrong with me..
I didn't have a real one till highschool, I was a people pleaser so naturally I had people around me. They're not "friends" tho, just people. I had my first bff on 7th grade.
That stunned me too, I jave had 1 friend, maybe 2 at a time, and since I only have had one friend at a time, I naturally grow very close to them, and then they leave, time and time again. Its strangely comforting to know I'm not some jerk or nobody. I'm praying for you!!!
I have had only two true friends, one in middle school and the other in elementary, the one in elementary she is my best friend though I do not live nearby anymore I only have acquaintances and I am OK with that since people aren't the greatest overall when they become closer vs short terms. Learn to embrace it I say, it is not so bad.
That is one thing I would totally run to the drug store to get, if you could get it there. That, and being a go-getter. But I am quite sure social skills would help a lot there.
I’d literally never talked to anyone about this my whole life and had so many experiences of feeling extreme rejection that shaped who I am today. I had no idea other people felt rejection at this level. I’m actually crying a bit from the validation. Thank you for making this video :)
SAME!! I ACTULLY REALLY NEEDED THIS RN CAUSE SOME OF MY FRIENDS HAVE HUNG OUT WITHOUT ME A BIT RECENTLY AND I THOUGHT IT WAS BECUASE OF ME, BUT AFTER I WATCHED THE VIDOE I MESSAGED MY FRIEND AND EXPLAINED A BUNCH AND NOW EVERYTHING IS CLEAR TO ME AND OMG IM CRYING SO MUCH
@@blaze_here7357 HEY! I had that happening to me sooooooO many times and not a single time did I handle it well before realising it's highly connected with adhd!! It TRULY helped me to rationalise the situation once I found out the reason!
The thing about "friends" bettraying you is so real. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly a seemingly nice person will completely drop you for something or someone that bennifits them.
In today's complex and highly populated society, we don't need to rely on each other like we did when we lived in smaller communities, we are replaceable.
@Carb Snobler I think you should toughen up. I literally don't have a single problem with ending a life or making someone suffer but you put me in front of a woman and I have pretty bad anxiety. But I guarantee if a solar flare hit you'd be dead in your suburban home and I would be enjoying anarchy.
Idk if anyone else has this experience, but rejection sensitivity and people pleasing has gone hand-in-hand with me. I find it very difficult to say no to doing things I don't want to do bc I don't want others to feel rejected/disappointed
I started to burst out crying in the middle of this video because it is just so. freaking. relatable, and this is the first time ever I realized that I'm not alone in this, I'm not unlikable, and I'm not a freak or a weirdo for being so sensitive, it's only because my brain is different than non-ADHDer.
@@samson3523 Maybe worse for you as a man, not ‘supposed’ to cry? Feelings have to come out sometime, in some way. I haven’t even pressed play yet, I’m crying just reading the comments. Always felt so misunderstood : (
This made me cry too, really hard. School was torture for me because I had such a hard time making friends, and then people would make fun of me for being a "loner," and it's just this awful cycle that repeats over and over. Ugh. It's hard to build self-esteem after that, and I've worked really hard to, but sometimes it can come tumbling down again easily.
Same. I started crying a couple of minutes in and havent really stopped. Its been about ten minutes since I finished it but then I went to the comments and boom... more tears.
OMG, I was literally just talking yesterday about how the real reason I never share my photography is because I'm afraid I'll get rejected, which is in turn hurting me because it prevents me from getting better. While others might use criticism to improve, I take it personally and feel like I'm just not good enough. It's crazy that this is apparently common with ADHD people, and somehow it makes me feel better to know that it's not just me.
I can relate! Except, I'll share my projects but never finish them because I can always "defend myself" from criticism by explaining, "Well it's not finished yet!" so anything they say can't hurt me because I can pretend I already knew that flaw and am already planning to address it. But then the problem is that I never do finish the project, or won't label it as "finished" if I do... I was realizing a year or two that it seems like I don't want to finish things, but really I do!! It's just hard to focus enough to get there, and be strong against the criticism when I do arrive.
Yeah, I never feel good enough. And fear of rejection makes me less like to share things or to take chances because of intense fear of being ridiculed if not overtly, secretly. I have hard time taking compliments and when someone shows interest in me, I often think I'm being scammed or used in some way only to be discarded after they get what they wanted out of me.
"Sometimes what feels like rejection is actually a conflict of needs." I just wrote that down in a place I'll see it every day. Thanks so much for this video!
Stuff that we perceive as rejection, can be a conflict of needs. If I think of it that way, then I don’t feel bad because it’s no longer about me. Mind blown 🤯
@@pathofthetrickster "Trying to take things less personal" haha if this was so simple , we would not be here listening about deep psychology. We'd be in nature, at cafe, making and maintaining friendships and making romantic moves, seek better jobs.
@@renzonaupari6058 If you waited her for 3 hours - and there was no medical or urgent issue due to delay without taking into consideration of giving you any explanation for the wait - yeah, this is a sign of mental problem.
it’s baffling to me when i get in the “red”, then manage to calm down, and somehow either forget why i even got so upset, or just put it into perspective and realise it wasn’t a big deal to start with! like wow! i wish we could skip to this immediately, brain!
So true 😭 so many times I’ve been on the verge of breakdown because of something that had be building up, but as soon as it passes over it’s almost as if it never happened. The problem is when the underlying issue never gets addressed, so it happens again.
EXACTLY, and when I remember why I was upset then I'm like "oh well il handle it better next time" BUT WHEN NEXT TIME COMES I LITERALLY CRY COS I MESSED IT UP AGAIN
Yesssss same, I have this problem when people don't text me back, I panic and think my message offended them somehow. I spiral and spiral and think over and over "I know this is going to feel like nothing happened as soon as they text me back, so why can't I just skip to that part?" And then sure enough, four hours later when they text me and nothing was actually wrong, my day goes back to normal. It's weird going from such a dark dark place to completely fine in an instant. Once I even took a sleep aid to make time pass faster because it was so overwhelmingly painful.
One of my boyfriend's mantras through helping me deal with RS has been "You don't have to defend yourself against *me*." while staying calm and smiling. He really realizes that I perceive things as rejection even when they're not, and not only helps me when I think *he's* upset...but when I can't stop thinking about that thing a guy at work or a cashier told me. I'm so grateful for him.
I have to wonder if this is why I avoid socializing and when I do talk to a stranger, my head is filled with thoughts of "they think I'm weird, they don't like me, i should just leave". I also have a problem that feels similar, when I'm being taught how to do something, I get deeply anxious and have similar thoughts. I still can't drive because of it. The thought of someone watching me be bad at something... Indescribably horrifying.
I'm not a doctor but that sounds like social anxiety. Maybe you could bring these feelings up to a doctor so they can help! It helped me. Wish you the best!
@@alisonleahbernadette2844 Same just at 32. Definitely one of the most embarrassing things for me is NOT even having a license. I never feel like a real adult and get insanely insecure about dating people because of it
I feel the exact same, but i use that anxiety when learning to hold myself to a higher standard and because i notice every single mistake i make and how to avoid it. It also caused me to fail my driving test the first time because i wanted to park perfectly otherwise I'd get noted as not parking good enough and as such i ended up slightly mounting the curb.
When I was 11 or so I accidentally smashed a bowl at my grandma’s house and immediately became hysterical and started apologizing and crying. My grandma sat me down and asked me seriously if anyone ever hit me or punished me for breaking things, because my reaction was so alarming to her. I told her no, but it suddenly clicked that that wasn’t a proportionate reaction and other people didn’t do things like that. And, of course, I was intensely embarrassed and started worrying what she thought of me and whether she thought I was immature and incompetent. 😬😬
charlie Yap. Why didn’t it occur to me that worrying my grandma would think I was uncool and not wanna hang out with me anymore was also not a proportionate response, but you know. When you’re on a roll.
Same with me when I broke my parents tv on accident. But idk if I have rsd yet. I've been watching videos for the past 20 min but kept on getting distracted by trying to read the comments. At the time I broke it apparently I was laughing crying and I didnt notice. And my dad told me to stop laughing so I was just like dang
I hated myself for so long, I couldn't understand why I couldn't control my emotions and the fear of rejection in certain areas. I couldn't explain why and it was maddening. And when I first read about RSD, I broke down because it was the first time anyone put into words what I'd felt for so long. It was the most therapeutic to finally know it wasn't just me and wasn't my fault.
I thought it was just my brain being it’s own weird self and being like hahaha u got rejected your friend literally doesn’t talk to you u have nothing in common me we are the same person haha lol
Same. You're not alone. Usually it presents itself (at least in my life) as strongly wanting to please people. But that's because I'm afraid of rejection.
I thought the feeling is common. That every one felt it. Now i understand why i felt like my heart is breaking even for small issues. But instead of pleasing people, i closed up.
Yea that happens too. You're not alone. If something in this video doesn't work for you there's likely still things you can do, and just being gentle with yourself is always a good start.
No such thing as a crybaby, that's a term made up by emotionally stunted adults to bully sensitive children into becoming numb. And being sensitive isn't a bad thing, it's a form of rebellion in a world that tells us to hide our problems (I reported the comment that I'm replying to but idk if anyone else can see it, so sorry if this makes no sense lol)
@Carb Snobler if this is more than a troll then look... I get it. Other people’s emotions can be icky. Least that’s how I feel about it sometimes. But I usually simply yknow... scroll away?
“Are you fighting back tears?” Uhh…no. I’m literally bawling. Every video of yours I’ve watched so far has had an insane effect on me. I’m 43 and i every time you explain something about why i am the way i am…i go back through the last 10 years of my life and realize why I failed. I’ve never been diagnosed with adhd but i always had a suspicion. I just thought i was lazy. 😢
i'm crying too!! i've gone back to the motivation bridge video so many times and just sobbed over how much sense everything makes. i show that video to everyone and it's one of the only things that gets people to understand that i'm TRYING! i'm not lazy, i just have adhd
Your story about your experiences with rejection reminds me of when I was a kid and I could not call anyone my friend until I heard them call me a friend first, even if I played with them every day. Like "I can't call them my friend because I don't know how they feel about me yet" and I didn't want the hurt of being wrong in evaluating our relationship.
Oh no, I've never seen anyone put it into words but I definitely have that fear. Like what if I was bold enough to be like "this is my friend, so and so" and they call me out in front of everyone and say "we're not friends"? I would die on the spot lol
That's why I always say I don't make friends, others befriend me. I could not possibly walk up to someone and start a conversation, what if they think I'm annoying or intrusive? So I always wait until someone talks to me first and asks for my number first and writes to me first. I will never ever make the first move.
I've gotten in the habit of asking someone what they meant when they say something I perceive as rejection because I know I'm prone to misunderstandings and being misunderstood.
Something that has really helped me is the idea that I'm not missing out if someone rejects me, but rather they're the one missing out on the awesome friend that I know I am.
👁👄👁 Dr. William Dodson was my ADHD therapist (he’s retired now). Clicked on this because I remembered him talking about it, and 35 seconds in you’re talking about him. Wasn’t expecting that 😆
WOW not only have you met dodson but also was dodson your actual therapist/psychiatrist? do you have any pictures perhaps with the guy? i mean did you have an idea who the guy was (re RSD/hysteroid dysphoria specifically) when e 1st became your therapist/psychiatrist? if not then did you at least have an idea later on? (before this video of course)
@@nicbentulan It never clicked that he was so well-known, but now it seems so obvious... he was always taking notes for things to include in his book (idk if he ever published it or if he's still working on it). He was just the ADHD specialist that came up if you searched for one in Denver. Went to him for years -- though the last several months before his retirement, he hired a nurse practitioner. I always joked that "yeah, my ADHD specialist called me the poster child of ADHD..." and now that feels more -- idk what word to use. Like a kind of embarrassing badge of honor?
I’ve always regretted or disliked that I’d not take opportunities because of being afraid of failure or rejection 😬 It’s been a challenge to overcome! Thanks for this video!!!
Its totally what we do! And I am glad you liked the video. There is more to the intensity meter. I will share more over the next week but I am so glad this helped.
Same! Don't submit writings to be published, don't date, don't try to promote yourself for better job opportunities cause what if it doesn't work out? Sigh!
This has really made me think. I can’t remember the last time I was actually rejected, yet I’m almost always so terrified of not being accepted that I just don’t put myself out there.
i have borderline personality disorder and adhd and when i feel rejected it feels like the world is crashing down around me. it makes me feel so deeply upset i can’t even put it into words. thank you for this video!! not enough people know about adhd rejection sensitivity
@Carb Snobler also you can’t spell and use incorrect grammar multiple time - in this case the correct grammar is *affected, i’m guessing you have little to no education/achievements in life so decide to belittle others in order to make yourself feel better?
"but what if it really is rejection and they don't want' to play with me?" this is one of those easier said than done self love practices, but the day i started reminding myself that people who consistently and harshly reject me are not worth chasing was the day i not only got better about controlling my sensitivity to it, but finding more people who wouldn't reject me in the first place. of course it still hurts, but it's much less of an all encompassing devastating hurt.
But does it solve the problem of being afraid people actually mean "You're a bore" when they say "Oh, I can't tonight"? I mean, I have definitely seen "Oh, I can't" mean "Oh, I can't" sometimes, and at other times "Ew, with you? Never!" I have seen girls lie to my daughter.
@@cnj67 in my experience, it does help. obviously it won't make it go away completely, like i said in my original comment the hurt and the fear is still there, but it is SIGNIFICANTLY lessened when you're able to find some zen in the thought of 'if this person is blowing me off, i am not obligated to chase after them'. if they're telling the truth, and they're just not free, then you will eventually hang out with them again. if they're lying, you'll find out sooner or later. as jessica mentioned in the video, sometimes the best thing to do is be honest about your fears. for example, my best friend is a busy mom, and often that means we don't get to talk for a week or longer. she also has adhd, so reaching out/remembering to reply can be a challenge. but if the RS is hitting especially hard, i know i can message her and say "i am feeling lonely/fearful that i have upset you. can you confirm that is or isn't the case?" and likewise, she can do the same with me. 99.9% of the time the issue is that the previous messages were never seen (we mainly use discord which has been notoriously bad at showing new message notifications lately), and the .1% of the time that she is too upset or overwhelmed to talk, it's not because of me. conversely, my trusting nature and desire to people please has led me to become friends with some truly horrible people. and even when i was trying to keep the friendship going, deep down, i knew they didn't like me or didn't have my best interests at heart. it is SO HARD to let these toxic friendships go, but the more comfortable you are with knowing not everyone is going to be your forever friend, and that this is not a reflection of your self worth, the easier it is to let the duds go, and make room for people who genuinely appreciate you (and your brain). i am also 28 years old, and it took me until just 2 years ago to really and truly settle into this paradigm, which i had actively been trying to work on since i graduated high school. the path was long and stumbling, and honestly i still don't think i'm perfect at it, but it is so genuinely worth it to try. i hope your daughter can find a method that works for her.
That's why it's also important to practice self compassion/acceptance when you're at green. When I'm at red, I often go back to my old self hating mantras without meaning to. Then when I'm at yellow or green again I feel fine.
Any advise on how to convince a young child of this concept? I hate seeing my 5yo and 10yo chase after these horribly toxic "friends". Nothing I've said about it so far has really hit home for them yet.
I had a view years in school where i had this mindset that i needed a single best friend at school to hang out with. The day i let that go was the day that everything got better
This video made me cry despite being so pleasant. I'm just so overwhelmed with realisation for why I react the way I do. I can't even articulate whatever emotion I'm feeling right now, there's just a lot of it. I hope knowing this stops me from beating myself up once I'm back in the green
I've been diagnosed with ADHD for about 6 years, but never thought this rejection sensitivity could be related with it until now. Like other manifestations of the disorder, everyone always kept telling me this feeling was normal and as was just "overreacting". Even the mildest imprevisibility of basic social interactions were enough to leave me completely frozen by the antecipation of a possible rejection, but exactly like happened with my inability to focus on tasks, I grew up hearing I should just "try harder". I hope the understanding of this sensitivity as a consequence of ADHD will help me finally overcome this problem, since "trying harder" alone was never enough o_õ
@@SauloMansur Same here; I got diagnosed with ADHD back when I was 6 (so close to 30 years now at this point, since I'm 34) and I didn't even know the rejection sensitivity could have tied into my ADHD until VERY recently. Of course, it's probably not helped I do live in a rather regressive little rural town and I'm just... kinda stuck dealing with it, but at least I have something of a social safety net online to sorta catch me when I fall, so to speak.
The fact that you addressed, (not only) the actual reality/patterns that cause the thinking, our and others contribution to it, but when it’s VALID and how to be better is something I appreciate SO much. Maybe a neurodivergent child or their caretaker will find this, understand it a bit better, and be in a space to teach someone HOW to help the child life properly. ❤
THANK YOU! I never knew other people went through this. I obsess with stuff like this for years after the fact. Late at night, I can't sleep because of casual mistakes I made decades ago that no one else remembers. I honestly thought I was the only one!
Ray Ceeya Yeah I feel you I just feel like I always am stupid in social situations and I constantly think about stupid stuff I’ve done that no one probably remembers anymore
Ray Ceeya, just know that you're not alone in this. I replay scenarios and conversations from decades ago when I'm in my darkest times. Sometimes it takes days to find my way back from that point.
I have had ADHD my whole life, 63 years. I was an adult before there was even a term used to describe what I felt. Even knowing I had ADHD didn't help me much because as you said, the Dr's didn't have the knowledge to be able to help. I am so glad there are people like you who are reaching out and sharing what they have learned. It is so freeing to have the information you have shared. For years I have felt so alone with ADHD. At times I still feel alone but finding your TH-cam channel has made me feel less so. From the bottom of my heart I thank you for doing this and never giving up!!!!
Bless you 🙏🏻 I got diagnosed a couple of years ago (also in adulthood) and although a lot of things suddenly made sense (ie always wondering what's wrong with me and why am I smart but somehow can't do simple things everyone else can do) it still hasn't actually helped me as nobody seems to be able to tell me how to cope with it. I'm greatful to hear other people telling me tips and tricks on how to deal with life and hopefully take baby steps to a better future
@Lisa Morgan I'm not far behind you in age. I was informed that I have ADHD just a few years ago. After that, a lot of things that happened in life made sense. I would imagine you had a similar experience. How did you deal with that ?
@@smp6565 Wow. I thought I was the only one that couldn't do simple things that everyone else can do. I can relate to you on that. I see everyone else is doing simple things without any problems, but when I do it, it just feels too big and too difficult for me to accomplish.
I have been watching multiple ADHD videos from many sources. What is really hitting hard is how relatable all this is. It is both comforting and depressing,
Really loved how it talked about that sudden indescribably crippling influx of almost nameless emotions. Just today had an unannounced performance review at work and like 90% of what they discussed was positive, but my brain took the whole environment as a threat and I froze up and eventually started crying “for no reason” because I felt cornered and like if I didn’t provide the right answers I would lose the approval of my managers and maybe even my job.
Omg yes!!!!! One of my amazing bosses has started prefacing the reason she needs to see me in her office with “you’re not in trouble”. Kind of sad when you think about it too hard, but it’s helped a lot!
You are not alone and you are absolutely worthy of being loved! Please don’t give up on making connections, there are always people who will love you if you give them a chance to.
i would be in the same position but i just got extremely lucky that my parents chose a neighborhood where there were kids my age right next to me and that i grew up with my entire life. if i didnt have that then i probably wouldnt have kept any friends after going to college
Ive come to assume that I like other people a LOT more than they like me. It has helped be guard my heart, but it doesn’t really help, because it assumes rejection from the onset. I also expect that other people have NO problem dropping me as a friend, which makes engaging in friendship building a very shaky endeavor. I don’t expect loyal friendship from very many people.
I love this too - these videos are literally targetted for ADHDers. I LOVE THIS part. I don't get bored waiting on waffle for the point or golden nugget to come!
I genuinely thought this sort of experience was my own fault, that I was just an emotional mess and that because of it no one would ever stick around. The fact that it has words and explanations and something I can understand logically floored me.
Something I recently learned (at the age of 69) was that when I'm feeling attacked or rejected I say something like "this is making me feel x or y". It usually triggers a responce from the other person like "No I didn't mean that. I ment x or y". It helps me clarify things incase I'm overreacting or getting sensitive to a comment from someone. Amazingly it helps me.
I really needed this video today. I had always believed myself just to be sensitive, but my emotional reactions especially to social hardships is of the chains. At 22 years old, a group of people I thought I got on with just started avoiding me, and when I asked what was up, they said that they realised our ‘vibes didn’t match’. From then I knew they weren’t the best of people, but it still hurts so much.
In elementary school I had someone I thought was my friend tell me in front of others they just liked what I brought to school to share with them and I wasn't their friend. That stuck with me for literal years. It took me a long time to be okay calling someone friend until I heard them say it first. I've moved past that, but I still struggle with people pleasing.
Thanks you write that you have both. I actually thought about if both diagnosis are possible. I am in borderline theraphy but i see myself more in add then borderline and was thinking i'm possibly diagnosed falsely. My mum said i have add since childhood - while i figured borderline to be a thing later on. I'm not really sure but since you wrote it i know that there could be a co-morbidity.
Are there any medications that can help? I have not been diagnosed, but believe I have both of these along with this video it completely resonated with me as well.
I've come to ahte the way "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria" is thrown around and something about the entire thing just gets under my skin. I *LOVE* that you included there has been no research done on it, while still acknowledging that rejection sensitivity is real and it is part of our diagnosis.
Same! I actually had to unfollow a few accounts that kept talking about it. I think what bothers me is that people started using it without question. I understand if it's used by someone "casually" but if people portray themselves as advocates or "voices for the community" they have the duty to do some research. ADHD is already so complex, there's no need for added misinformation.
I’ve just been diagnosed, aged 45, and it’s like a light has been shone on my history of underachievment and bouts of sadness. Your channel is lovely, thank you. I’m still processing it really. Bit of a shock
@katakanadian I’m just starting the process of getting a diagnosis at 55. I watched the obi video you had posted. Very cool. Jessica’s channel was something I was watching because a friend has ADHD. I didn’t know how much it would resonate with me.
I’m also 45 in the process of getting diagnosed. I hardly new what ADHD was about until my friend told me she had it. Everything I’ve learn about it since then is spot on. Wish I had looked in to this sooner. I’ve been so close to achieving great things just to fall on the “goal line” because of the stress, fatigue, fear of failure and not being able to focus.
What really helps me is just not to care as much and not expect anything from people. If they are rejecting me, I wish them well and just no longer care.
This reminds me of the time when I was in elementary school when I absolutely broke down crying. Our teacher used those behavior tracker stoplights and the it was the first time she moved my name from green to yellow for speaking in class. That's like one my core memories now lol
We had that same stoplight system in 2nd grade. I misunderstood the instructions one day. We sat in front listening to a lesson, then we were told to go back to do the workbook then come back. I came back with my book & got in trouble for disobeying & not paying attention. I cried the whole day & was too ashamed to tell my parents for over a decade. Turns out the school had a trained physiatrist for situations like that but my teacher didn't bother sending me & my parents, not knowing what happened, couldn't have known I was denied help. I also got in trouble for playing Scrabble during an indoor recess, as the teacher considered it a game, not a puzzle (puzzles were allowed but not games; though isn't Scrabble just a word puzzle?? And we were learning more than a jigsaw puzzle would've taught us). I also had a book taken away from me & was scolded for reading below the level I was assigned. We homeschooled after that year.
In elementary school in classes I enjoyed I talked too much and answered too many questions. I was very quiet in other classes but in the classes I liked, my teachers had a system where I was given a small pile of pennies and a cup at the beginning of every class. Every time I raised my hand or said anything, I had to put a penny in the cup, and when I ran out, I wasn't allowed to talk anymore. I hated it so much and while it did serve it's purpose of making me be more mindful of what was worth saying out loud (what if I had something more important to say later?) It was still terrible and embarrassing and over time made me participate less and feel less invested in the class. Then I lost interest and my grades dropped and teachers were like "what happened??" As if they weren't the ones who forced me not to participate. And like, I guess I kinda sorta get the logic of "you participating so much discourages other students from participating because they know you'll always answer the question for them" I still think that's dumb. Maybe they just don't want to talk in front of the class, some people just like to listen. It isn't my fault no one else wanted to talk as much as I did. And I always raised my hand and waited for permission before talking so it wasn't even interruptive 😭
Oh yeah that happened with me once. I would also obsessively check my backpack before getting picked up by the bus to make sure I had everything- and the one time I forgot a piece of homework in 3rd grade I spent the entire day crying because I felt so scared of being reprimanded by the teacher (pretty sure he never even said anything lol he was super nice)
Over the years I've found that if I get repeatedly rejected by a "friend" it might be time to find a better friend. Granted that may not be easy but it has been better in the long run.
8:22 Yes, PLEASE have Caroline talk more about social skills! I've been trying my whole life to learn how to get along with others and have them like me. The only things I've learned successfully are listening and encouragement/compliments. I can also be "good" at things/skills/talents and everyone likes me for those things I'm good at... until they get to know me more personally. Everything else about social interaction has me stumped. I don't get it! I just don't pick up on many social cues.
Same! Plus, there is this unspoken social rule that says you don't talk about social rules after a certain age. So the people that never picked up on them are just ostracized without ever knowing what they are doing wrong
I don't think it's about "doing things to make people like you", it's more about a connection between you and other people. I think if you stop trying to please other people, and start doing things that actually make you happy, it would make life a lot easier. In social situations, just be considerate to the people around you. Considering how they feel or what they want will go a long way, instead of just focusing on trying to make them like you.
What helped me was learning a lot about body language, it is not exactly social skills but I somehow picked up certain things along the way that made communication a LOT easier and also helped with some of the anxiety because I have something that I can rationally focus on. Of course it still fails me, body language is not easy and once my thoughts start to spiral out of control there usually is not enough focus left for it, but it has helped prevent that situation from happening, even if subconsciously
In grade 3, I cried because the boy I liked called me “mellow”... I cried at my desk for like an hour. He came up to me and asked “do you know what mellow means?”.... no, I did not.
@@Jzombi301 It hates itself and wants to try to inflict pain on others because it's parents don't love it. It is lashing out like a kid with adhd in 2nd grade who got rejected LMAO
My husband said he needed me work on a goal and I was upset for two days before I figured out that I was sacred that if I wasn't able to meet the goal he would reject me. I wasn't able to calm down until I explained how I was feeling and he assured me that he would not leave me if I could not accomplish this goal. Then this video came out. Every time I watch one of your videos it feels like you have a window directly into my soul. I feel like most of what I do I do just trying to avoid rejection.
As someone who is very emotionally resilient, I struggle with rejection sensitivity more than any other aspect of ADHD, because I care deeply about my friends and it's really the only thing that can get me depressed.
Same thing I didn't have any friends till sixth grade, I would change schools and people would either ignore me or push me to the side. I found out that if I feel my emotions are in like the red area, I just disengage and sit in silence.
There was a time in my life where any perceived or potential rejection would send me spiraling straight into a full-on panic attack. Worded an email wrong? Your boss hates you now and you're going to get fired. Friend didn't respond to your text message? Clearly they're avoiding you because they think you're an annoyance and they only interacted with you out of pity anyway. Want to ask someone out? They're just going to be embarrassed that you're into them and I'm sure they think you're unattractive anyway because you are. It was hellish. Lots of therapy and medication has really helped get me away from that. A strategy my brother had me do was to say out loud to him what I was panicking about and what I thought was going to happen. And like, 8/10 times just saying it out loud and trying to explain it helped me to realize how far fetched the idea actually was.
I started doing that with my ex. The funniest was when he couldn't find specific underwear, and he said someone must have stolen it. When I asked him why anyone would do that but leave the tv, games console and laptops he did laugh about it.
Awesome of your brother to listen/let you process! I find it really helpful to say this stuff out loud to a friend who I can trust not to think I'm insane, also. :)
Whenever I'm freaking out about something but logically I know the situation isn't worth the crazy emotions, I explain why I'm freaking to my husband and ask him if I'm over reacting. And he tells me yes and hugs me and then I feel better.
Hey if it makes you feel any better my brain pretty much does the same thing, I'm working on it. On a side note, it sounds like you have a really wonderful brother. :)
Been feeling really "rejected" since the pandemic. I've only had one friend call to check on me. I really just don't understand why it's so hard for me to get social interest and support.
The same with me. And we are too affraid to call people. Ore we blame them not to care. And this makes them distancing even more...That´s what i sometimes do. And this is totally crazy.
@@susannesonnenschein2878 , I've actually been good about calling people, remembering their birthdays, texting them... with relatively little response in comparison. Maybe I'm just reaching out to the wrong people. I have so many acquaintances and "know" hundreds of people, but I honestly am afraid of reaching out to new people in case they "reject" me.
I see you and I hear you. I’m just missing socializing since there’s a pandemic and we have to social distance pretty often. The isolation makes me really sensitive to what I perceive as rejection because I really want to connect with people again.
Susanne Sonnenschein I try to call people every week or two weeks. I try to remind myself that it’s ok if my friends aren’t always initiating it, because I know that my close friends want to talk to me. And I try to call people I don’t talk to as often occasionally just to catch up.
Never realized so many people with ADHD feel like this as well. I never post on social because of this fear. I have to start a GoFundMe for a medical procedure that is really expensive. The fear for rejection is so HUGE!
I never considered it was related to ADHD. (Disclaimer: I was diagnosed as a child but another doctor said I didn't have it but I think I do anyway, it explains so much of my life.) I know I am sensitive to rejection but I blamed that on just being the unlucky kid who everyone picked on and also being in a verbally abusive household. But like, sometimes I still can't help wonder why I was picked on and excluded so much and like... I'm literally trying not to cry right now after this video made those connections... It touched a nerve and I'm kinda shook. Not sure what my point was anymore lol. I just... I'm shook.
I've never been diagnosed with ADHD, I always felt like the doc will say that that I don't have ADHD and just overreacting and I just teared up because I realized I've never went to the psychologist because I was afraid of rejection but I'm still scared
Something that helped me with that was taking online tests and even looking at the DSM criteria. That way if they questioned me I was prepared to lay out the information and list my symptoms, but every professional I’ve talked to about it immediately agreed that I have ADHD without any of that so I didn’t even need to worry to begin with. I hope you do make that leap to get help, because as scary as it is, it feels so nice to not be on your own anymore
I would really appreciate a social skills video for neuro divergent. We seem to share a lot of the same social anxieties and social ineptitude for lack of a better word and I would appreciate some things to work on after having been working on my fear of rejection.
"When we're in the red, we are not fit for human consumption." I recently learned to disengage on my own. It's usually on the internet and I am getting really intensely emotional over rejection. I step back from the conversation, close Twitter, deafen/mute myself in Discord, whatever it is I just completely disengage. Disengaging has done so much for me where in the past I've broken relationships and lost opportunities and made a fool of myself. Turning around and then coming back later when I'm level-headed has improved my life and mental health lol.
My closest friends and loved ones are aware of my emotional needs and are happy to provide clarification and assurance if I find myself concerned I’m being rejected. Nothing beats asking for reassurance that everything is okay between us and then receiving feedback. It’s been very helpful.
I feel like if I ask for reassurance or anything, I'm essentially coercing then into it. Like I can never trust their answer if it comes only after my prompting. Like they're just telling me what they think I need to hear so that they can get away from me and an uncomfortable situation. It's gotta come from them, no prompting, to make me feel like it has even a possibility of being genuine. But unfortunately that doesn't happen too often I'm glad you don't deal with that, because it sucks. I hope I didn't just plant a seed of doubt or anything, I'm just sharing
When i took my practice driving test, my instructor was and mean started acting like i was a failure or something. After the test I sat in the car and balled my eyes out while he lectured me. It ruined my day. My mom encouraged me to brush it off because he was only a stranger. But in reality, it is the worst feeling when someone you don’t know is mad and shouting at you.
For sure! That sounds awful! I struggled with driving for years, learning from my dad. One of the most traumatic experiences we've had together, was when he ended up dragging me into the shower under cold water to "calm me down" because I was so upset I just stopped the car and run out of there into the house. I will never forget it. It was soon after my parent's divorce and while I was still a new driver practicing with my dad, he took a call from his new girlfriend. I was SO mad his attention was no longer on me while I needed him watching over. Years later I struggled with my partner who also had no patience with me driving. He finally helped me pay for a driving course. Highly recommend it! That instructor sounds terrible though. Hope you can find a kinder one and pass your test.
Mariposa Redimida thank you for sharing. I actually found a different driving test center and got a REALLY nice lady and i passed my driving test (a month ago) 😀
This really hits home. Like when I see on social media that friends doing fun stuff and didn't invite me or my husband chooses plating golf with friends over hanging out with me. I've gotten better at dealing with it, but it's always there to some degree. Thanks for sharing.
N then imagine that friend (a best friend) purposely telling you that you're left out on purpose and then blaming you when you're upset by saying it's ur own fault ur upset bcoz u didn't clarify things and she was not saying that ur being left out on purpose. It's one thing to feel rejected and another thing to be rejected n gaslighted.
I have talked to my family and my doctors as well regarding my symptoms so many times but they ignore it saying that I am fine and overthinking. I literally had to rewind and rewatch the video coz I lost track of thoughts and got distracted halfway. It's an everyday struggle. I am happy that someone is spreading awareness about ADHD
Omg I seriously didn’t think I struggled with this until you mentioned the people pleasing aspect. I am such a people pleaser and it comes from this fear of rejection. I’d just never verbalized it.
Thank you for this, and all your other videos. They are very well laid out on topics that are important.
For everyone else, please take the help offered and put it to work. Review it, rewatch it and make it a priority. I know, RS practices, exercise, sleep habits, eating right, getting your work done, .... it is overwhelming. It’s also important. Maybe not everything is done every day but understanding how and why you react the way you do is a big part of maintaining good emotional health which will allow you to be part of healthy relationships throughout your life.
It’s taken me nearly 40 years, a bunch of fleeing, fighting, freezing and strain on my marriage to learn this.
The “ do what you know” is the hard part.. but to start...I’ll go with getting some sleep! Thanks for the lil nudge Casey!
I already practice a couple of the ideas she share.. It is hard at times... X
@@mammybelle7302 I also have ADHD. For me, practicing openness to a deep level has really helped me to not care too much about what others think about me. I try to search for new ideas/ theories /systems that can improve my skills. Everyone (as said in the video) has their own way of finding out what works for oneself, and I hope that you guys can find or already have found ways to improve. 😉👍
th-cam.com/video/PEexQAkhFpM/w-d-xo.html allo. ... i hear the term validation a lot but i have to wonder how some people or groups or even religions play on that fear of rejection?
thank you for this.
It’s not even rejection sometimes. It’s just the feeling that someone is disappointed in you for whatever reason.
Codependency
I was recently called a quiet lad and I started to shake and worry i wasn't good enough
Agreed
So much this !
My mom said she didn't like my outfit and I had a panic attack for a straight hour or more
*_Not everything that feels like rejection, is rejection._*
*_Not everything that feels like rejection, is rejection._*
*_Not everything that feels like rejection, is rejection._*
the cure meditation and journaling
I couldn't go back to a frozen yogurt store because they said they open in 30min and I was embarrassed. It wasn't this bad in my 20's.
This is true, sometimes it is completely innocent, but the depression and anxiety that accompany ADHD makes it feel like rejection.
Are you telling me that my family actualy doesnt hate my and mi "friends" hate me? Nah
@@VenusVoice I feel you on this one friend. I have done many similar things.
The worst part about this is knowing you are unreasonably emotional but you cannot help it. I’ve broken down while thinking about how silly it is.
having to tell people “dont pay attention to whatever im doing right now my brains just like that hahah” while simultaneously crying as if youre at a funeral
I feel the same way! My brain is just overly emotional. Therapy has helped me to deal with it but it has not lowered the intensity of my feelings.
Oh wow. Rejection sensitivity. I have that extremely bad at work. I care way too much but my coworkers and managers think about me. I can't stand even being a minute late because I think they'll start hating me. If we're super busy at work, the workload isn't what stresses me out. It's the idea that my coworkers and managers are going to start judging me and criticizing me for how efficient I am. This gets so bad that I cry about it at work sometimes. People at work have started noticing that I'm very different than everybody else, and that I'm extremely sensitive. Which only compounds the problem further because not only am I sensitive, now I'm sensitive about being sensitive. I'm really harsh on myself when I do poorly and I hate the idea that people have to walk on eggshells around me. I started to hate myself and I really want to know what's wrong with me.
are you a female?
I feel the same way but I don't have ADHD as far as I know. But I want to be diagnosed with what I think is bipolar depression. But maybe other things will be revealed to me.
For me, this takes the form of leaving a conversation with people and being afraid that I talked to much, said idiotic things without thinking, offended them etc. I then worry that they think I'm actually quite annoying. It happens A LOT, even with good friends.
I agree. Me yesterday.
Every Single Day. Doesn’t help that people have confirmed these fears 🤕
Reliving conversations even with old friends wondering if I've offended them, if was boring, if I talked over them, if I didn't communicate my ideas properly.the self recrimination is brutal
Yup. One day, I owned up and shared with my sister in law. I left feeling really uncomfortable, afraid I over shared. I was about to see her again the next day, and I had a full on panic attack, because I was worried I was going to be rejected.
It’s sooo true and precise🥲
Who else feels as if their entire life has been ruled by fear? I literally never finished a single PhD program application because as soon as I hit the "letters of recommendation" part, I assumed no one would give me one, and I gave up.
I recently told a friend, with conviction and sincerity, that the only thing I learned from highschool was to never try, because you're never good enough. My entire life has been fear, self hate and self doubt, friend, so you are not alone.
I've been avoiding applying to grad school for 5 years even though it's been my dream b/c I have terrible anxiety even from just looking at the website. I feel so ashamed and I feel like no one gets it. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
This was exactly what happened to me. Had a hard time going to office hours in college for the same reason.
I'm 40 and finally finishing my BA bc of... well ADHD is the shortest version. I would love to try a pHD someday but im.so scared I will fail terribly. The fact that you've gotten as far as you have is inspiring.
yup, letters of recommendations are my last step before grd school...for 15 years 😬
Anyone else just find it comforting that you’re not alone with these life experiences or feelings 😔
😭😭
I do 😭 my life is falling apart and i only just discovered i have adhd very recently but knowing there are others on the same boat makes me feel better
@@admantite same
This young lady is so helpful!
@@skyjust828 w
Add this to the list of things I didn’t know existed but clarified something I feel often.
same dude. Her channel has made me realize so many things about myself.
Me too!
That happens often with ADHD it seems....
Me too!!!
Same
The "not asking for things" part is so real. Not asking to come along when friends are going somewhere. Not calling a friend because there's something you want to see/do in case they don't want to, or come along because they feel they have to even though they'd rather not. Not messaging friends because you think you're only bothering them. Not asking your parents if they might finance an exchange year or similar things because they feel unnecessary because they are for us, and we are unimportant. Not asking for help in general. I'm working on it but it still happens and I hate it.
Oh, my goodness. Yessssssss. And don't people love you for it?! I know my boss loves my independence. But at the same time has coached and urged me to be more assertive, speak up in meetings, share my opinion, ask for what I need (which also prevents me from exploding like a volcano when I can stuff no more. It's rather unpleasant for the people around me). Hi, I'm an ISFJ with AD[H]D. 😆
what are FRIENDS ??????
That comment helped a lot. Thanks. Sometimes you can't put a problem into words and therefore can't be solved. I studied philosophy, but sometimes it is really hard to define a problem, solving is also hard :)
I will have to message my friend soon, and i am dreading it. I often send a message and dont look at it until hours later
Lmao not a problem if u don’t have friends to ask 🤣🤣🥲
not me at age 23 realizing that one perceived romantic rejection in high school has emotionally stunted me for the past 7 years
Can relate. Took me years from someone in college breaking up with me, to release it and move on.
Me too man, 5 years and still struggling with moving on
Twinzies except I'm 21
@@johnpilots7619 same man.
24 here. I had one boyfriend as a teenager, in high school 😂
"When I was a kid, I brought a book with me everywhere because...I already expected my peers not to include me." Yep, that pretty much sums up my life.
Lmao same-
X3
For me it wasn't a book but music... But yeah sums up a lot I guess
Same - I was given a "Bookworm" award in elementary school because I'd read my book while walking single file down the hall with my class.
💕
The worst part of RSD is being rejected so much that you start to build up immense trust issues and can no longer answer normal texts from your friends because you fear that you’ll come of as weird.
Can definitely relate
I definitely got this feeling in certain whatsapp groups
I only text my mom and dad.
@Carb Snobler best part is crying is healthy!🤣🤣😂😂😭😭😭
@Carb Snobler why can’t we just get along?
When I heard kids with adhd are usually less liked and have fewer reciprocal friends, i lost it. I genuinely feel like there’s such a deep part of me that was just healed :(
This part of the video genuinely made me gasp because I finally realized how long rsd has been affecting my life.
I don’t think I had a real friend until I was an adult, thankfully then they came in their droves but that part of feeling so lonely for so long still hurts.
Me too. This was my experience and now my kid is going through the exact same thing (I know your comment is a year old but I had to reply)
Can you tell me more about the part of having reciprocal friends. That really resonates with me
Yeah 😔 unfortunately this seems to be a statistical pattern with most of us. Cuz in our society most times different = bad… no matter what. And what can we be BUT different if our brains literally don’t process like the “standard” of the day? ..yeah
"Too sensitive" - my heart hurts just thinking of it. Thank you for making this.
I will forever be the sensitive one in my family and they will forever try to force me out of it. 😪😔
Therapy has helped me to reframe this. Everyone always told me to “be less sensitive.” Be sensitive! What I needed was capacity, to handle and process my sensitivity. And that is possible.
Sarah Olivares thank you!! Yes, it's not the feelings or the sensitivity, it's the way we manage it. I've come to accept it and even appreciate it about myself. Sometimes the voices from childhood come back, though.
I think the world needs more sensitive people, it’s hard to be sensitive but I think it’s a gift to others when we use it for being kind and understanding (vs. wrapped up in our own feelings too much). So it’s basically a superpower.
@@tknows470 from your lips my friend.
Anyone also feel like little things set us off, but then we are extremely calm about big things?
Edit: yall r cool thank you for responding and sharing your experiences haha ❤
Edit 2 Aug 4th 2021: Still reading comments as they come up glad I'm not alone!
Edit: Feb 16th 2023 still reading your stories guys! :)
Yes. Like yesterday I went to the store and it was closed and I got so mad
Yes! It’s because with big things there’s a lot of stimulation so we actually calm down and can focus better. That’s why a lot of people with ADHD are EMS workers or Firefighters.
@@CakedCrusader9 that comment really intrest me can you share some links or info about it?
Yes! Like petty little frustrations and inconveniences that seem to add up!
@@CakedCrusader9 Interesting. I have been told that I have "a cool head in an emergency." I never made that connection. Thanks!
Being a kid and being called a worry wart, overly sensitive, moody, and other labels. Amazing to see that we are not alone!
Can totally relate.
But then also being called wise/nature for your age 😂
Yup
I never knew there was a name for the intense, visceral pain and anxiety I have always felt when I perceive I am being criticised or rejected. I have strong childhood memories of moments when I was spoken to harshly or felt criticised and crumpled inside. To know others feel this way too is comforting ❤️
there are also other words, like highly-sensitive person (= the best persons😊 ) or trauma-noise
with regards to PTSD many call it body-memories (of past trauma)
This comment literally made me tear up. You just connected the dots of things I knew about myself and Rejection Sensitivity (which I just learned about) and put them together in a very real and very painful truth.
You are not alone. A lot of us can really empathize ❤
I didn't know either ♡ you are not alone
@derda1304 I have PTSD. What is trauma noise? Is it where you jump out of your skin if someone just walks in the room when you aren't expecting it? Or a noise so incredibly loud it feels like it's piercing your eardrums when no one else seems to be bothered by it? I am highly sensitive across the board. Emotions, eyes, ears, skin, and even tastebuds and of course being very jumpy.. it's annoying.. Every time it happens, it makes me feel like ppl think I was doing something wrong and got caught.. I know EMDR would be helpful for me, but it's hard.. to my knowledge is not covered by insurance, at least not mine.. I'm in fight or flight 100% of the time.. and ppl just tell me I'm too tightly wound and should just calm down and relax. That's just not how it works.. for me..Which goes back to the feelings of no one understanding or that there's something wrong with me..
the whole 70% of ADHD kids don’t have friends thing hit me hard because i legitimate had no friends until 6th grade.
I didn't have a real one till highschool, I was a people pleaser so naturally I had people around me. They're not "friends" tho, just people. I had my first bff on 7th grade.
That stunned me too, I jave had 1 friend, maybe 2 at a time, and since I only have had one friend at a time, I naturally grow very close to them, and then they leave, time and time again. Its strangely comforting to know I'm not some jerk or nobody. I'm praying for you!!!
I have had only two true friends, one in middle school and the other in elementary, the one in elementary she is my best friend though I do not live nearby anymore I only have acquaintances and I am OK with that since people aren't the greatest overall when they become closer vs short terms.
Learn to embrace it I say, it is not so bad.
i’ve only really had one consistent friend and we are pretty certain she also has adhd
I got my best friends in Grade 8th. And now I feel like we are no more than acquaintance, I am in 12th now.
Omg when you said "let us know if you'd be interested (in learning social skills)"
I went "PLEASE YES. PLEASE OMG PLEASE."
+1
+1
I'm up for this as well
Fr plseasssseee
YESSSS
That is one thing I would totally run to the drug store to get, if you could get it there.
That, and being a go-getter. But I am quite sure social skills would help a lot there.
I’d literally never talked to anyone about this my whole life and had so many experiences of feeling extreme rejection that shaped who I am today. I had no idea other people felt rejection at this level. I’m actually crying a bit from the validation. Thank you for making this video :)
i feel the exact same way rn
I feel the same as well
SAME!! I ACTULLY REALLY NEEDED THIS RN CAUSE SOME OF MY FRIENDS HAVE HUNG OUT WITHOUT ME A BIT RECENTLY AND I THOUGHT IT WAS BECUASE OF ME, BUT AFTER I WATCHED THE VIDOE I MESSAGED MY FRIEND AND EXPLAINED A BUNCH AND NOW EVERYTHING IS CLEAR TO ME AND OMG IM CRYING SO MUCH
@@blaze_here7357 HEY! I had that happening to me sooooooO many times and not a single time did I handle it well before realising it's highly connected with adhd!! It TRULY helped me to rationalise the situation once I found out the reason!
Me too
The thing about "friends" bettraying you is so real. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly a seemingly nice person will completely drop you for something or someone that bennifits them.
THIS.
In today's complex and highly populated society, we don't need to rely on each other like we did when we lived in smaller communities, we are replaceable.
@@cine9nine speak fpr yourself I'm one of a kind!
AMEN to that! And don't you just hate it when the only time "friends" or other people call you is because they need something. Bunch of users!
The biggest "secret" of my ADHD: The sheer amount of time and energy I spend pretending to be like other humans...
Absolutley
I wish i could pretend
Or, sometimes, pretending to 'like' other humans! They can be so boring.
Omg i would but I can't stand anybody.
@D D almost everyone I work with at my job. 😑
"engage in situations where rejection is a possibility" even hearing this phrase in a positive context triggered my fight or flight.
Yep - not gonna happen!
Saaaameee
Word
It's how beating fears works though. Start small. Maybe try making a recommendation on dinner with a loved one, that's a kinda small one.
@Carb Snobler I think you should toughen up. I literally don't have a single problem with ending a life or making someone suffer but you put me in front of a woman and I have pretty bad anxiety. But I guarantee if a solar flare hit you'd be dead in your suburban home and I would be enjoying anarchy.
This is so heartbreaking to watch at 32, still undiagnosed, but finally feeling emotionally seen
Hey, dido! 😏
😭 absolutely
its still heartbreaking with a diagnosis :(, but yeah this channel helps a lot
Eyup, right there with you.
Best part is it's possible to change it :) let's keep fighting
Idk if anyone else has this experience, but rejection sensitivity and people pleasing has gone hand-in-hand with me. I find it very difficult to say no to doing things I don't want to do bc I don't want others to feel rejected/disappointed
Makes sense
I always feel bad if somebody lets me down
I always feel like I’m disappointing someone
@@samanthastover5940 Same, it doesn’t even matter if I did good or bad, and i feel disappointed in myself a lot too. It’s hard
Worst is when people start using you because they know that they can pressure you into doing things for them
I started to burst out crying in the middle of this video because it is just so. freaking. relatable, and this is the first time ever I realized that I'm not alone in this, I'm not unlikable, and I'm not a freak or a weirdo for being so sensitive, it's only because my brain is different than non-ADHDer.
same its been over two minutes Im still crying :( and I'm a man.
@@samson3523 Maybe worse for you as a man, not ‘supposed’ to cry? Feelings have to come out sometime, in some way. I haven’t even pressed play yet, I’m crying just reading the comments. Always felt so misunderstood : (
This made me cry too, really hard. School was torture for me because I had such a hard time making friends, and then people would make fun of me for being a "loner," and it's just this awful cycle that repeats over and over. Ugh. It's hard to build self-esteem after that, and I've worked really hard to, but sometimes it can come tumbling down again easily.
Same. I started crying a couple of minutes in and havent really stopped. Its been about ten minutes since I finished it but then I went to the comments and boom... more tears.
@@samson3523 seriously. i feel like i could show this to a friend and they finally would understand whats going on but idk if thats too much to share
OMG, I was literally just talking yesterday about how the real reason I never share my photography is because I'm afraid I'll get rejected, which is in turn hurting me because it prevents me from getting better. While others might use criticism to improve, I take it personally and feel like I'm just not good enough. It's crazy that this is apparently common with ADHD people, and somehow it makes me feel better to know that it's not just me.
I am an artist, and I sabotage myself this same way with my art. Its like I'm afraid of success. Thought it was just me.
I can relate! Except, I'll share my projects but never finish them because I can always "defend myself" from criticism by explaining, "Well it's not finished yet!" so anything they say can't hurt me because I can pretend I already knew that flaw and am already planning to address it. But then the problem is that I never do finish the project, or won't label it as "finished" if I do... I was realizing a year or two that it seems like I don't want to finish things, but really I do!! It's just hard to focus enough to get there, and be strong against the criticism when I do arrive.
Yeah, I never feel good enough. And fear of rejection makes me less like to share things or to take chances because of intense fear of being ridiculed if not overtly, secretly. I have hard time taking compliments and when someone shows interest in me, I often think I'm being scammed or used in some way only to be discarded after they get what they wanted out of me.
@@emilys3638 omg saaaaame!
@@emilys3638 literally surrounded by unfinished pieces.
"Sometimes what feels like rejection is actually a conflict of needs."
I just wrote that down in a place I'll see it every day. Thanks so much for this video!
Isn't that the cause of rejection?
did you write it in front of your toilet
@@arnikolo2916 exactly xd
In other words, it’s rejection. That’s exactly what a “conflict of needs is”. 🙄
@@kconrad5893 Sometimes, things worded differently make you realise better. And that's okay :)
Stuff that we perceive as rejection, can be a conflict of needs. If I think of it that way, then I don’t feel bad because it’s no longer about me. Mind blown 🤯
What happens when we are with pathological liars, abusers and narcissists and in toxic ambient, toxic shame culture country.
What then?
What do you mean by conflict of needs?
Yeah I've been practicing "this situation sucks but it really isn't about you" in some cases. Trying to take things less personal, yknow
@@pathofthetrickster "Trying to take things less personal"
haha
if this was so simple , we would not be here listening about deep psychology. We'd be in nature, at cafe, making and maintaining friendships and making romantic moves, seek better jobs.
@@renzonaupari6058 If you waited her for 3 hours - and there was no medical or urgent issue due to delay without taking into consideration of giving you any explanation for the wait - yeah, this is a sign of mental problem.
The compounding challenge of the “red” is that when cognitive ability is low, impulsivity is VERY HIGH. *deep breath*
And then I got fired 😞
And then I broke up with my boyfriend and blocked him on EVERYTHING. He did deserve it, after I spoke with him and my therapist, but still.
YES I can relate
Add Empath..lol..
@@JCluvr19 and then..Me too .22 years same place.Icu nurse..Empath.only child.lol
it’s baffling to me when i get in the “red”, then manage to calm down, and somehow either forget why i even got so upset, or just put it into perspective and realise it wasn’t a big deal to start with! like wow! i wish we could skip to this immediately, brain!
So true 😭 so many times I’ve been on the verge of breakdown because of something that had be building up, but as soon as it passes over it’s almost as if it never happened. The problem is when the underlying issue never gets addressed, so it happens again.
EXACTLY, and when I remember why I was upset then I'm like "oh well il handle it better next time" BUT WHEN NEXT TIME COMES I LITERALLY CRY COS I MESSED IT UP AGAIN
I didn't know this happened to others! Like, I'll have a breakdown and then it will pass and I forget and the cycle repeats..
Yesssss same, I have this problem when people don't text me back, I panic and think my message offended them somehow. I spiral and spiral and think over and over "I know this is going to feel like nothing happened as soon as they text me back, so why can't I just skip to that part?" And then sure enough, four hours later when they text me and nothing was actually wrong, my day goes back to normal. It's weird going from such a dark dark place to completely fine in an instant. Once I even took a sleep aid to make time pass faster because it was so overwhelmingly painful.
One of my boyfriend's mantras through helping me deal with RS has been "You don't have to defend yourself against *me*." while staying calm and smiling. He really realizes that I perceive things as rejection even when they're not, and not only helps me when I think *he's* upset...but when I can't stop thinking about that thing a guy at work or a cashier told me. I'm so grateful for him.
@Rhonetta Johnson That's a negative attitude to have! We're actually getting married soon. 💖
@Rhonetta Johnson Yeah, hey...his boyfriend right here! And I don't appreciate that attitude.
Y'all just jealous. 🥰
@Rhonetta Johnson 🤣🤣
@Rhonetta Johnson When people say things like this I kind of stop thinking they're serious. Are you a joke troll? Like a parody of a conservative? 🤣
@Rhonetta Johnson I promise you God is not pleased with your rude & hypocritical responses. Do better
Don’t forget. Saying no, walking out, and hanging up or ending the video call are always an option. Don’t let anyone ever disrespect you.
You know you're ADHD when you're listening for about 15 seconds before inevitably getting distracted by the comments section.
damnit
Yup! Xx
Damnit
Ya got me 😂
And can't even focus on one comment at a time in it?
I have to wonder if this is why I avoid socializing and when I do talk to a stranger, my head is filled with thoughts of "they think I'm weird, they don't like me, i should just leave". I also have a problem that feels similar, when I'm being taught how to do something, I get deeply anxious and have similar thoughts. I still can't drive because of it. The thought of someone watching me be bad at something... Indescribably horrifying.
Same. It’s not even funny, especially about the driving.
I'm not a doctor but that sounds like social anxiety. Maybe you could bring these feelings up to a doctor so they can help! It helped me. Wish you the best!
I feel you. I'm 39 and I've had a driver's permit since I was 16. I just haven't been able to get over that wall of awful.
@@alisonleahbernadette2844 Same just at 32. Definitely one of the most embarrassing things for me is NOT even having a license. I never feel like a real adult and get insanely insecure about dating people because of it
I feel the exact same, but i use that anxiety when learning to hold myself to a higher standard and because i notice every single mistake i make and how to avoid it. It also caused me to fail my driving test the first time because i wanted to park perfectly otherwise I'd get noted as not parking good enough and as such i ended up slightly mounting the curb.
When I was 11 or so I accidentally smashed a bowl at my grandma’s house and immediately became hysterical and started apologizing and crying. My grandma sat me down and asked me seriously if anyone ever hit me or punished me for breaking things, because my reaction was so alarming to her. I told her no, but it suddenly clicked that that wasn’t a proportionate reaction and other people didn’t do things like that. And, of course, I was intensely embarrassed and started worrying what she thought of me and whether she thought I was immature and incompetent. 😬😬
god yeah, the worst part is the embarrassment afterwards.
charlie Yap. Why didn’t it occur to me that worrying my grandma would think I was uncool and not wanna hang out with me anymore was also not a proportionate response, but you know. When you’re on a roll.
Same with me when I broke my parents tv on accident. But idk if I have rsd yet. I've been watching videos for the past 20 min but kept on getting distracted by trying to read the comments.
At the time I broke it apparently I was laughing crying and I didnt notice. And my dad told me to stop laughing so I was just like dang
burningthemidnightoil Even when she didn’t understand, she’s always been my favorite person.
I laughed at the end of this but I've got tears in my eyes knowing how deep and real your feelings are. Why do we feel so hard?!
I hated myself for so long, I couldn't understand why I couldn't control my emotions and the fear of rejection in certain areas. I couldn't explain why and it was maddening. And when I first read about RSD, I broke down because it was the first time anyone put into words what I'd felt for so long. It was the most therapeutic to finally know it wasn't just me and wasn't my fault.
I had NO. IDEA. that this was part of having ADHD. I've dealt with this my whole life.
I thought it was just my brain being it’s own weird self and being like hahaha u got rejected your friend literally doesn’t talk to you u have nothing in common me we are the same person haha lol
Same. You're not alone. Usually it presents itself (at least in my life) as strongly wanting to please people. But that's because I'm afraid of rejection.
@@JeffHendricks same
Me neither....
I just literally had a HUGE breakdown over a "rejection" that made me question everything i am. Your timing, wow
I've been there, it sucks a lot
But remember you are not alone
Stay strong
I thought the feeling is common. That every one felt it. Now i understand why i felt like my heart is breaking even for small issues. But instead of pleasing people, i closed up.
Yea that happens too. You're not alone. If something in this video doesn't work for you there's likely still things you can do, and just being gentle with yourself is always a good start.
No such thing as a crybaby, that's a term made up by emotionally stunted adults to bully sensitive children into becoming numb. And being sensitive isn't a bad thing, it's a form of rebellion in a world that tells us to hide our problems
(I reported the comment that I'm replying to but idk if anyone else can see it, so sorry if this makes no sense lol)
@Carb Snobler I hope you can get help for the very clear inferiority complex you have.
Look how mature this person is being, continuously making pointless derogatory comments on another human being!! Give em a gold star 🌟
@Carb Snobler if this is more than a troll then look... I get it. Other people’s emotions can be icky. Least that’s how I feel about it sometimes. But I usually simply yknow... scroll away?
“Are you fighting back tears?”
Uhh…no. I’m literally bawling. Every video of yours I’ve watched so far has had an insane effect on me. I’m 43 and i every time you explain something about why i am the way i am…i go back through the last 10 years of my life and realize why I failed. I’ve never been diagnosed with adhd but i always had a suspicion. I just thought i was lazy. 😢
i'm crying too!! i've gone back to the motivation bridge video so many times and just sobbed over how much sense everything makes. i show that video to everyone and it's one of the only things that gets people to understand that i'm TRYING! i'm not lazy, i just have adhd
literally everytime i hear something i relate to so personally in these videos i start tearing up its so embarrassing LOL
Kinda scary how you post the video related to what I really need at this point in time 😂😂 like exactly lmao
I literally just thought of that, then read this comment xD The timing could not have been any better
I was literally googling how to handle emotional disregulation yesterday lol. At least now I got an answer. :)
@@nishsfSo glad this helped - even more than google:) Caroline
@@DiscoPenguin23 So glad- I love it when the universe sends us a signal! Caroline
My husband was just trying to explain some of this to our kids today. 😂 perfect timing!
Your story about your experiences with rejection reminds me of when I was a kid and I could not call anyone my friend until I heard them call me a friend first, even if I played with them every day. Like "I can't call them my friend because I don't know how they feel about me yet" and I didn't want the hurt of being wrong in evaluating our relationship.
I’m an adult and I still feel this way.
Yes p
Oh no, I've never seen anyone put it into words but I definitely have that fear. Like what if I was bold enough to be like "this is my friend, so and so" and they call me out in front of everyone and say "we're not friends"? I would die on the spot lol
That's why I always say I don't make friends, others befriend me. I could not possibly walk up to someone and start a conversation, what if they think I'm annoying or intrusive? So I always wait until someone talks to me first and asks for my number first and writes to me first. I will never ever make the first move.
This breaks my heart :(
I've gotten in the habit of asking someone what they meant when they say something I perceive as rejection because I know I'm prone to misunderstandings and being misunderstood.
Excellent behaviour. I’ve started doing this with my partner. And it’s helping.
I'm afraid to do that incase they think I'm picking a fight lmao
@@TheLiquidCat suggestion, clairyfy before u ask that its not to pick a fight?
@@TheLiquidCat Same, too afraid to come across as needy or weird. Wich ironically makes me needy and weird xD
I ask, what does that mean? A lot
Something that has really helped me is the idea that I'm not missing out if someone rejects me, but rather they're the one missing out on the awesome friend that I know I am.
Thank you for sharing this. I really needed to be reminded of this. You’re right and it’s so true.
👁👄👁 Dr. William Dodson was my ADHD therapist (he’s retired now). Clicked on this because I remembered him talking about it, and 35 seconds in you’re talking about him. Wasn’t expecting that 😆
WOW not only have you met dodson but also was dodson your actual therapist/psychiatrist? do you have any pictures perhaps with the guy? i mean did you have an idea who the guy was (re RSD/hysteroid dysphoria specifically) when e 1st became your therapist/psychiatrist? if not then did you at least have an idea later on? (before this video of course)
@@nicbentulan It never clicked that he was so well-known, but now it seems so obvious... he was always taking notes for things to include in his book (idk if he ever published it or if he's still working on it). He was just the ADHD specialist that came up if you searched for one in Denver. Went to him for years -- though the last several months before his retirement, he hired a nurse practitioner. I always joked that "yeah, my ADHD specialist called me the poster child of ADHD..." and now that feels more -- idk what word to use. Like a kind of embarrassing badge of honor?
@@SarahIngleOfficial oh nice. thanks for sharing!
I couldn’t even make it through this whole video. Ugh sooooo much to unpack. This cracked me wide open. I want a dog.
Dogs are really nice. They make essentially everything better.
Cat's help too. Anything fluffy that has unconditional love. Hope you can rescue a dog 🙂
Without my dogs I would probably be in a ward by now.
Get a dog. Get two dogs. Find a pack of dogs. Become the dog king:
@@carasheridan8386 yeah they're like happy machines lol.
I’ve always regretted or disliked that I’d not take opportunities because of being afraid of failure or rejection 😬 It’s been a challenge to overcome! Thanks for this video!!!
Its totally what we do! And I am glad you liked the video. There is more to the intensity meter. I will share more over the next week but I am so glad this helped.
Same!
I know I’m not alone in these things but sometimes it’s nice to actually see that I’m not alone in these struggles ❤️
Perché per le Pkk j
Same! Don't submit writings to be published, don't date, don't try to promote yourself for better job opportunities cause what if it doesn't work out? Sigh!
This has really made me think. I can’t remember the last time I was actually rejected, yet I’m almost always so terrified of not being accepted that I just don’t put myself out there.
i have borderline personality disorder and adhd and when i feel rejected it feels like the world is crashing down around me. it makes me feel so deeply upset i can’t even put it into words. thank you for this video!! not enough people know about adhd rejection sensitivity
Me too❤️
@Carb Snobler Nice job describing your funeral baldy.
@Carb Snobler you are a grown man, please do something more worthwhile than abusing people online
@Carb Snobler what was your intention? how exactly did you want to make other people feel?
@Carb Snobler also you can’t spell and use incorrect grammar multiple time - in this case the correct grammar is *affected, i’m guessing you have little to no education/achievements in life so decide to belittle others in order to make yourself feel better?
"but what if it really is rejection and they don't want' to play with me?"
this is one of those easier said than done self love practices, but the day i started reminding myself that people who consistently and harshly reject me are not worth chasing was the day i not only got better about controlling my sensitivity to it, but finding more people who wouldn't reject me in the first place. of course it still hurts, but it's much less of an all encompassing devastating hurt.
But does it solve the problem of being afraid people actually mean "You're a bore" when they say "Oh, I can't tonight"?
I mean, I have definitely seen "Oh, I can't" mean "Oh, I can't" sometimes, and at other times "Ew, with you? Never!"
I have seen girls lie to my daughter.
@@cnj67 in my experience, it does help. obviously it won't make it go away completely, like i said in my original comment the hurt and the fear is still there, but it is SIGNIFICANTLY lessened when you're able to find some zen in the thought of 'if this person is blowing me off, i am not obligated to chase after them'. if they're telling the truth, and they're just not free, then you will eventually hang out with them again. if they're lying, you'll find out sooner or later.
as jessica mentioned in the video, sometimes the best thing to do is be honest about your fears. for example, my best friend is a busy mom, and often that means we don't get to talk for a week or longer. she also has adhd, so reaching out/remembering to reply can be a challenge. but if the RS is hitting especially hard, i know i can message her and say "i am feeling lonely/fearful that i have upset you. can you confirm that is or isn't the case?" and likewise, she can do the same with me. 99.9% of the time the issue is that the previous messages were never seen (we mainly use discord which has been notoriously bad at showing new message notifications lately), and the .1% of the time that she is too upset or overwhelmed to talk, it's not because of me.
conversely, my trusting nature and desire to people please has led me to become friends with some truly horrible people. and even when i was trying to keep the friendship going, deep down, i knew they didn't like me or didn't have my best interests at heart. it is SO HARD to let these toxic friendships go, but the more comfortable you are with knowing not everyone is going to be your forever friend, and that this is not a reflection of your self worth, the easier it is to let the duds go, and make room for people who genuinely appreciate you (and your brain).
i am also 28 years old, and it took me until just 2 years ago to really and truly settle into this paradigm, which i had actively been trying to work on since i graduated high school. the path was long and stumbling, and honestly i still don't think i'm perfect at it, but it is so genuinely worth it to try. i hope your daughter can find a method that works for her.
That's why it's also important to practice self compassion/acceptance when you're at green. When I'm at red, I often go back to my old self hating mantras without meaning to. Then when I'm at yellow or green again I feel fine.
Any advise on how to convince a young child of this concept? I hate seeing my 5yo and 10yo chase after these horribly toxic "friends". Nothing I've said about it so far has really hit home for them yet.
I had a view years in school where i had this mindset that i needed a single best friend at school to hang out with. The day i let that go was the day that everything got better
This video made me cry despite being so pleasant. I'm just so overwhelmed with realisation for why I react the way I do. I can't even articulate whatever emotion I'm feeling right now, there's just a lot of it. I hope knowing this stops me from beating myself up once I'm back in the green
I've been diagnosed with ADHD for about 6 years, but never thought this rejection sensitivity could be related with it until now. Like other manifestations of the disorder, everyone always kept telling me this feeling was normal and as was just "overreacting". Even the mildest imprevisibility of basic social interactions were enough to leave me completely frozen by the antecipation of a possible rejection, but exactly like happened with my inability to focus on tasks, I grew up hearing I should just "try harder".
I hope the understanding of this sensitivity as a consequence of ADHD will help me finally overcome this problem, since "trying harder" alone was never enough o_õ
Yes! This is the first time I have ever heard someone talk about this as though I wasn’t just defective for being “too sensitive “.
@@SauloMansur Same here; I got diagnosed with ADHD back when I was 6 (so close to 30 years now at this point, since I'm 34) and I didn't even know the rejection sensitivity could have tied into my ADHD until VERY recently. Of course, it's probably not helped I do live in a rather regressive little rural town and I'm just... kinda stuck dealing with it, but at least I have something of a social safety net online to sorta catch me when I fall, so to speak.
This comment ❤️❤️❤️
I'm literally sobbing watching this, this has been my life, I felt so isolated (and isolate myself) because of it.
The fact that you addressed, (not only) the actual reality/patterns that cause the thinking, our and others contribution to it, but when it’s VALID and how to be better is something I appreciate SO much. Maybe a neurodivergent child or their caretaker will find this, understand it a bit better, and be in a space to teach someone HOW to help the child life properly. ❤
I love how you don’t only give us facts about it, but you also give lots of tips
THANK YOU! I never knew other people went through this. I obsess with stuff like this for years after the fact. Late at night, I can't sleep because of casual mistakes I made decades ago that no one else remembers. I honestly thought I was the only one!
Ray Ceeya Yeah I feel you I just feel like I always am stupid in social situations and I constantly think about stupid stuff I’ve done that no one probably remembers anymore
Ray Ceeya, just know that you're not alone in this. I replay scenarios and conversations from decades ago when I'm in my darkest times. Sometimes it takes days to find my way back from that point.
Yes! I am constantly reliving embarrassing moments in my life, even though no one else remembers.
Aw, that's really difficult to deal with. I do, too! And I feel so guilty about everything because I don't want to hurt people's feelings!
I have had ADHD my whole life, 63 years. I was an adult before there was even a term used to describe what I felt. Even knowing I had ADHD didn't help me much because as you said, the Dr's didn't have the knowledge to be able to help.
I am so glad there are people like you who are reaching out and sharing what they have learned. It is so freeing to have the information you have shared. For years I have felt so alone with ADHD. At times I still feel alone but finding your TH-cam channel has made me feel less so. From the bottom of my heart I thank you for doing this and never giving up!!!!
Im not officially diagnosed yet, but I just wanted to say I relate to the feeling of finding this and not feeling so alone with things
Bless you 🙏🏻 I got diagnosed a couple of years ago (also in adulthood) and although a lot of things suddenly made sense (ie always wondering what's wrong with me and why am I smart but somehow can't do simple things everyone else can do) it still hasn't actually helped me as nobody seems to be able to tell me how to cope with it. I'm greatful to hear other people telling me tips and tricks on how to deal with life and hopefully take baby steps to a better future
@@smp6565 Have you tried joining any online support groups? There's one on Facebook for people diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood.
@Lisa Morgan
I'm not far behind you in age. I was informed that I have ADHD just a few years ago. After that, a lot of things that happened in life made sense. I would imagine you had a similar experience. How did you deal with that ?
@@smp6565 Wow. I thought I was the only one that couldn't do simple things that everyone else can do. I can relate to you on that. I see everyone else is doing simple things without any problems, but when I do it, it just feels too big and too difficult for me to accomplish.
I have been watching multiple ADHD videos from many sources. What is really hitting hard is how relatable all this is. It is both comforting and depressing,
I just said the same thing to myself.
Really loved how it talked about that sudden indescribably crippling influx of almost nameless emotions. Just today had an unannounced performance review at work and like 90% of what they discussed was positive, but my brain took the whole environment as a threat and I froze up and eventually started crying “for no reason” because I felt cornered and like if I didn’t provide the right answers I would lose the approval of my managers and maybe even my job.
Wow that makes so much sense to me I completely understand 🙂 that hit home 🏡🙃
Omg yes!!!!! One of my amazing bosses has started prefacing the reason she needs to see me in her office with “you’re not in trouble”. Kind of sad when you think about it too hard, but it’s helped a lot!
I feel this in my heart!
Hope it went over well. My team knows I'm a crier
mid 30s, no friends, never had a girl friend... this explains so much... now I think I know what to do. thank you so much from the bottom of my heart
literally same
You are not alone and you are absolutely worthy of being loved! Please don’t give up on making connections, there are always people who will love you if you give them a chance to.
i would be in the same position but i just got extremely lucky that my parents chose a neighborhood where there were kids my age right next to me and that i grew up with my entire life. if i didnt have that then i probably wouldnt have kept any friends after going to college
I’m crying... like this is what I needed to hear! I’m today years old when I finally understood my emotions toward rejection. Thank you for this.
Omg thank you for using the term “reciprocal friend!” That hit super hard.
Ive come to assume that I like other people a LOT more than they like me. It has helped be guard my heart, but it doesn’t really help, because it assumes rejection from the onset.
I also expect that other people have NO problem dropping me as a friend, which makes engaging in friendship building a very shaky endeavor. I don’t expect loyal friendship from very many people.
@@maillemacanaugh1841wow that really resonates with me.
i love how u talk fast for my brain and just get straight to the point
I love this too - these videos are literally targetted for ADHDers. I LOVE THIS part. I don't get bored waiting on waffle for the point or golden nugget to come!
I didn't even know she was talking fast 'til I read this 😅
mhm
100%. My husband said: she speaks too fast, I said- really? I actually love it.
I genuinely thought this sort of experience was my own fault, that I was just an emotional mess and that because of it no one would ever stick around. The fact that it has words and explanations and something I can understand logically floored me.
You aren't the only one. For me that comes from constantly being gas lit and invalidated
Sammmeee I had an entire emotional break down earlier today because of this exact reason. Somehow TH-cam got my back 😂 this made me feel a lot better
Totally agree I just thought it was me and have lived with it 51 years.
Something I recently learned (at the age of 69) was that when I'm feeling attacked or rejected I say something like "this is making me feel x or y". It usually triggers a responce from the other person like "No I didn't mean that. I ment x or y". It helps me clarify things incase I'm overreacting or getting sensitive to a comment from someone. Amazingly it helps me.
That's so important. I just learned something too. Thank you
I really needed this video today. I had always believed myself just to be sensitive, but my emotional reactions especially to social hardships is of the chains. At 22 years old, a group of people I thought I got on with just started avoiding me, and when I asked what was up, they said that they realised our ‘vibes didn’t match’. From then I knew they weren’t the best of people, but it still hurts so much.
Please bring her back. This resonates with me a lot.
In elementary school I had someone I thought was my friend tell me in front of others they just liked what I brought to school to share with them and I wasn't their friend. That stuck with me for literal years. It took me a long time to be okay calling someone friend until I heard them say it first. I've moved past that, but I still struggle with people pleasing.
💞
Glad to see you overcoming your obstacles slowly, friend. Take care of yourself. Much love.
I can relate with your story, thanks for sharing!❤
Wow that would have been so painful. I’m so sorry you experienced that! I can relate…
Yup! And I would never ever EVER call someone a bestie even today.
Oh gosh, thank you Jessica. I really needed this video
Yay hope it helps!!
Thank you for this video, rejection sensitivity is my every day. More information would be appreciated 💟
I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and ADHD. Never have I ever found a video that resonated so hard with my soul. Thank you
Thanks you write that you have both. I actually thought about if both diagnosis are possible. I am in borderline theraphy but i see myself more in add then borderline and was thinking i'm possibly diagnosed falsely. My mum said i have add since childhood - while i figured borderline to be a thing later on. I'm not really sure but since you wrote it i know that there could be a co-morbidity.
Are there any medications that can help? I have not been diagnosed, but believe I have both of these along with this video it completely resonated with me as well.
I've come to ahte the way "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria" is thrown around and something about the entire thing just gets under my skin.
I *LOVE* that you included there has been no research done on it, while still acknowledging that rejection sensitivity is real and it is part of our diagnosis.
Same! I actually had to unfollow a few accounts that kept talking about it. I think what bothers me is that people started using it without question. I understand if it's used by someone "casually" but if people portray themselves as advocates or "voices for the community" they have the duty to do some research. ADHD is already so complex, there's no need for added misinformation.
@@AM-tl1xi For sure. There is so much misinformation already. Unfortunately saying what's popular gets more clicks than being honest.
Is it possible doctors try to come up with new diagnoses so they can become DSM-famous? Hmm. Hmmmmmm. 🤔
@@gateauxq4604 It's possible, but people also just like having their own, "thing."
my god i'm so glad i came across your channel
Hiiiii hope you know that Jesus loves you!!!
@@is1124 Thank you!! 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Sameee I was so happy when I saw this vid bc I feel this too
@@queenashslay I’m not spreading hate or anything but did u know that Jesus is in other religions too!
@@queenashslay ya:D
I’ve just been diagnosed, aged 45, and it’s like a light has been shone on my history of underachievment and bouts of sadness. Your channel is lovely, thank you. I’m still processing it really. Bit of a shock
Diagnosed at 55. Sooo many years solidifying neural pathways of feeling rejected.
@katakanadian I’m just starting the process of getting a diagnosis at 55. I watched the obi video you had posted. Very cool. Jessica’s channel was something I was watching because a friend has ADHD. I didn’t know how much it would resonate with me.
It is a shock. God has a plan and a purpose for us. I just keep moving forward. Life is good.
I’m also 45 in the process of getting diagnosed. I hardly new what ADHD was about until my friend told me she had it. Everything I’ve learn about it since then is spot on. Wish I had looked in to this sooner. I’ve been so close to achieving great things just to fall on the “goal line” because of the stress, fatigue, fear of failure and not being able to focus.
hang in there ... u are important
What really helps me is just not to care as much and not expect anything from people. If they are rejecting me, I wish them well and just no longer care.
That was one of the most deeply personal things I’ve ever heard shared on this platform. Thank you for expressing yourself so deeply
deadass i cried when my boss at dominos told me i did something wrong. i thought it was my.ptsd from my abusive relationship. this makes more sense.
Could be a little of both
I have BPD and this really resonates with me. It was nice to see it mentioned.
Same here!! I have both bpd and adhd, and I was so relieved when she mentioned it in the video.
I have BPD as well, but there are things about the BPD diagosis that don't resonate with me. This disorder as well as PTSD makes a ton more sense.
EXACTLY!!! one of the few healthy and educational youtube channels on mental disorders
@@beatrixkerr2542 me too ! BPD & ADHD 🙃🧨☄ our life is a rollercoaster 😅
i have (undiagnosed) adhd and autism with every symptom. i should get diagnosed lul
This reminds me of the time when I was in elementary school when I absolutely broke down crying. Our teacher used those behavior tracker stoplights and the it was the first time she moved my name from green to yellow for speaking in class. That's like one my core memories now lol
The same thing happened to me in 3rd grade. I remember feeling absolutely devastated, like I was really a bad kid. 😭
Putting lol at the end of ur sentence does not hide the pain
We had that same stoplight system in 2nd grade. I misunderstood the instructions one day. We sat in front listening to a lesson, then we were told to go back to do the workbook then come back. I came back with my book & got in trouble for disobeying & not paying attention. I cried the whole day & was too ashamed to tell my parents for over a decade. Turns out the school had a trained physiatrist for situations like that but my teacher didn't bother sending me & my parents, not knowing what happened, couldn't have known I was denied help. I also got in trouble for playing Scrabble during an indoor recess, as the teacher considered it a game, not a puzzle (puzzles were allowed but not games; though isn't Scrabble just a word puzzle?? And we were learning more than a jigsaw puzzle would've taught us). I also had a book taken away from me & was scolded for reading below the level I was assigned. We homeschooled after that year.
In elementary school in classes I enjoyed I talked too much and answered too many questions. I was very quiet in other classes but in the classes I liked, my teachers had a system where I was given a small pile of pennies and a cup at the beginning of every class. Every time I raised my hand or said anything, I had to put a penny in the cup, and when I ran out, I wasn't allowed to talk anymore. I hated it so much and while it did serve it's purpose of making me be more mindful of what was worth saying out loud (what if I had something more important to say later?) It was still terrible and embarrassing and over time made me participate less and feel less invested in the class. Then I lost interest and my grades dropped and teachers were like "what happened??" As if they weren't the ones who forced me not to participate. And like, I guess I kinda sorta get the logic of "you participating so much discourages other students from participating because they know you'll always answer the question for them" I still think that's dumb. Maybe they just don't want to talk in front of the class, some people just like to listen. It isn't my fault no one else wanted to talk as much as I did. And I always raised my hand and waited for permission before talking so it wasn't even interruptive 😭
Oh yeah that happened with me once. I would also obsessively check my backpack before getting picked up by the bus to make sure I had everything- and the one time I forgot a piece of homework in 3rd grade I spent the entire day crying because I felt so scared of being reprimanded by the teacher (pretty sure he never even said anything lol he was super nice)
Over the years I've found that if I get repeatedly rejected by a "friend" it might be time to find a better friend. Granted that may not be easy but it has been better in the long run.
8:22 Yes, PLEASE have Caroline talk more about social skills! I've been trying my whole life to learn how to get along with others and have them like me. The only things I've learned successfully are listening and encouragement/compliments. I can also be "good" at things/skills/talents and everyone likes me for those things I'm good at... until they get to know me more personally. Everything else about social interaction has me stumped. I don't get it! I just don't pick up on many social cues.
Same! Plus, there is this unspoken social rule that says you don't talk about social rules after a certain age. So the people that never picked up on them are just ostracized without ever knowing what they are doing wrong
I don't think it's about "doing things to make people like you", it's more about a connection between you and other people. I think if you stop trying to please other people, and start doing things that actually make you happy, it would make life a lot easier. In social situations, just be considerate to the people around you. Considering how they feel or what they want will go a long way, instead of just focusing on trying to make them like you.
What helped me was learning a lot about body language, it is not exactly social skills but I somehow picked up certain things along the way that made communication a LOT easier and also helped with some of the anxiety because I have something that I can rationally focus on. Of course it still fails me, body language is not easy and once my thoughts start to spiral out of control there usually is not enough focus left for it, but it has helped prevent that situation from happening, even if subconsciously
In grade 3, I cried because the boy I liked called me “mellow”...
I cried at my desk for like an hour. He came up to me and asked “do you know what mellow means?”....
no, I did not.
what did you think it meant?
Oh, the ADHD irony.... 😔
I laughed out loud cuz I've had almost the exact same experience
@Carb Snobler why the *fulk* are you here?
@@Jzombi301 It hates itself and wants to try to inflict pain on others because it's parents don't love it. It is lashing out like a kid with adhd in 2nd grade who got rejected LMAO
RSD is probably my greatest challenge. It explains just about every situation in my life.
My husband said he needed me work on a goal and I was upset for two days before I figured out that I was sacred that if I wasn't able to meet the goal he would reject me. I wasn't able to calm down until I explained how I was feeling and he assured me that he would not leave me if I could not accomplish this goal. Then this video came out. Every time I watch one of your videos it feels like you have a window directly into my soul. I feel like most of what I do I do just trying to avoid rejection.
I struggle with this a lot too. Specifically with academic stuff currently
As someone who is very emotionally resilient, I struggle with rejection sensitivity more than any other aspect of ADHD, because I care deeply about my friends and it's really the only thing that can get me depressed.
Same here
Same thing
I didn't have any friends till sixth grade, I would change schools and people would either ignore me or push me to the side.
I found out that if I feel my emotions are in like the red area, I just disengage and sit in silence.
Same
Yeah same, thought it was just a me thing. Glad to know that it's not
You sound like “a Highly Sensitive Person” - possible Empath. Hugz ❤️
There was a time in my life where any perceived or potential rejection would send me spiraling straight into a full-on panic attack. Worded an email wrong? Your boss hates you now and you're going to get fired. Friend didn't respond to your text message? Clearly they're avoiding you because they think you're an annoyance and they only interacted with you out of pity anyway. Want to ask someone out? They're just going to be embarrassed that you're into them and I'm sure they think you're unattractive anyway because you are. It was hellish. Lots of therapy and medication has really helped get me away from that. A strategy my brother had me do was to say out loud to him what I was panicking about and what I thought was going to happen. And like, 8/10 times just saying it out loud and trying to explain it helped me to realize how far fetched the idea actually was.
I started doing that with my ex. The funniest was when he couldn't find specific underwear, and he said someone must have stolen it. When I asked him why anyone would do that but leave the tv, games console and laptops he did laugh about it.
Awesome of your brother to listen/let you process! I find it really helpful to say this stuff out loud to a friend who I can trust not to think I'm insane, also. :)
Whenever I'm freaking out about something but logically I know the situation isn't worth the crazy emotions, I explain why I'm freaking to my husband and ask him if I'm over reacting. And he tells me yes and hugs me and then I feel better.
I wish I had a nice brother like that
Hey if it makes you feel any better my brain pretty much does the same thing, I'm working on it. On a side note, it sounds like you have a really wonderful brother. :)
I didn't even realize this is a thing! It explains soooooo much. I literally can not ask out people because i feel so inadequate after rejection...
Been feeling really "rejected" since the pandemic. I've only had one friend call to check on me. I really just don't understand why it's so hard for me to get social interest and support.
The same with me. And we are too affraid to call people. Ore we blame them not to care. And this makes them distancing even more...That´s what i sometimes do. And this is totally crazy.
@@susannesonnenschein2878 , I've actually been good about calling people, remembering their birthdays, texting them... with relatively little response in comparison. Maybe I'm just reaching out to the wrong people. I have so many acquaintances and "know" hundreds of people, but I honestly am afraid of reaching out to new people in case they "reject" me.
I see you and I hear you. I’m just missing socializing since there’s a pandemic and we have to social distance pretty often. The isolation makes me really sensitive to what I perceive as rejection because I really want to connect with people again.
Susanne Sonnenschein I try to call people every week or two weeks. I try to remind myself that it’s ok if my friends aren’t always initiating it, because I know that my close friends want to talk to me. And I try to call people I don’t talk to as often occasionally just to catch up.
Hey its 2 days later and idk if anyone has checked, but are you doing okay?
Me when someone doesn't respond to my text within an hour:
"They're ignoring me!! They hate me!"
The irony when we take days to respond to texts but go into RSD mode when others don’t respond in hours. ;-;
RICH GORANSKI
SAME!!!
Yes’m.
They do. They do hate you.
Never realized so many people with ADHD feel like this as well. I never post on social because of this fear. I have to start a GoFundMe for a medical procedure that is really expensive. The fear for rejection is so HUGE!
God bless you! I hope you get it done :)
ADHD is a superpower!!! Stay busy Brain!
I never considered it was related to ADHD. (Disclaimer: I was diagnosed as a child but another doctor said I didn't have it but I think I do anyway, it explains so much of my life.) I know I am sensitive to rejection but I blamed that on just being the unlucky kid who everyone picked on and also being in a verbally abusive household. But like, sometimes I still can't help wonder why I was picked on and excluded so much and like... I'm literally trying not to cry right now after this video made those connections... It touched a nerve and I'm kinda shook.
Not sure what my point was anymore lol. I just... I'm shook.
@@kealiechristophe3509 ❤️
@@claripossum2079 it's always really emotional learning something that makes your entire life start to make sense. sending you hugs.
As a 42 year old man that just received an ADHD diagnosis the other day, this video is so immensely validating!
Curious, do I talk to my physician or a psychologist?? Feeling like my life is being summed up in these videos!
I've never been diagnosed with ADHD, I always felt like the doc will say that that I don't have ADHD and just overreacting and I just teared up because I realized I've never went to the psychologist because I was afraid of rejection but I'm still scared
Something that helped me with that was taking online tests and even looking at the DSM criteria. That way if they questioned me I was prepared to lay out the information and list my symptoms, but every professional I’ve talked to about it immediately agreed that I have ADHD without any of that so I didn’t even need to worry to begin with. I hope you do make that leap to get help, because as scary as it is, it feels so nice to not be on your own anymore
@@christalcavanaugh thank you for sharing your life experience, now I'll be less scared to reach out for help
@@christalcavanaugh sorry for interrupting yall but thank you for this!!
Relate to this comment so so much
WAIT- THIS MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENCE NOW! I HAVENT EVEN THOUGHT OF WHY I FELT THAT WAY!!!
OMG
I would really appreciate a social skills video for neuro divergent. We seem to share a lot of the same social anxieties and social ineptitude for lack of a better word and I would appreciate some things to work on after having been working on my fear of rejection.
Yes, this video and Caroline's segment were awesome! I would love to see a video about social skills, too.
Yes please!
"When we're in the red, we are not fit for human consumption."
I recently learned to disengage on my own. It's usually on the internet and I am getting really intensely emotional over rejection. I step back from the conversation, close Twitter, deafen/mute myself in Discord, whatever it is I just completely disengage. Disengaging has done so much for me where in the past I've broken relationships and lost opportunities and made a fool of myself. Turning around and then coming back later when I'm level-headed has improved my life and mental health lol.
My closest friends and loved ones are aware of my emotional needs and are happy to provide clarification and assurance if I find myself concerned I’m being rejected. Nothing beats asking for reassurance that everything is okay between us and then receiving feedback. It’s been very helpful.
You’re so lucky. Mine either get irritated because I’m ‘unreasonable’, or question my adulthood on the grounds of me being ‘overreacting’.
I feel like if I ask for reassurance or anything, I'm essentially coercing then into it. Like I can never trust their answer if it comes only after my prompting. Like they're just telling me what they think I need to hear so that they can get away from me and an uncomfortable situation. It's gotta come from them, no prompting, to make me feel like it has even a possibility of being genuine. But unfortunately that doesn't happen too often
I'm glad you don't deal with that, because it sucks. I hope I didn't just plant a seed of doubt or anything, I'm just sharing
@@megb4613You’re not alone. I go through with this every time 🥲
Most people really don’t care that much. Consider yourself blessed to have people like that.
When i took my practice driving test, my instructor was and mean started acting like i was a failure or something. After the test I sat in the car and balled my eyes out while he lectured me. It ruined my day. My mom encouraged me to brush it off because he was only a stranger. But in reality, it is the worst feeling when someone you don’t know is mad and shouting at you.
For sure! That sounds awful! I struggled with driving for years, learning from my dad. One of the most traumatic experiences we've had together, was when he ended up dragging me into the shower under cold water to "calm me down" because I was so upset I just stopped the car and run out of there into the house. I will never forget it. It was soon after my parent's divorce and while I was still a new driver practicing with my dad, he took a call from his new girlfriend. I was SO mad his attention was no longer on me while I needed him watching over. Years later I struggled with my partner who also had no patience with me driving. He finally helped me pay for a driving course. Highly recommend it! That instructor sounds terrible though. Hope you can find a kinder one and pass your test.
Mariposa Redimida thank you for sharing. I actually found a different driving test center and got a REALLY nice lady and i passed my driving test (a month ago) 😀
@@c_n_uh4796 Sweet, congrats! Different instructing style can really make a difference!
This really hits home. Like when I see on social media that friends doing fun stuff and didn't invite me or my husband chooses plating golf with friends over hanging out with me. I've gotten better at dealing with it, but it's always there to some degree. Thanks for sharing.
N then imagine that friend (a best friend) purposely telling you that you're left out on purpose and then blaming you when you're upset by saying it's ur own fault ur upset bcoz u didn't clarify things and she was not saying that ur being left out on purpose. It's one thing to feel rejected and another thing to be rejected n gaslighted.
"A lot of the time a lot of the things we perceive as rejection is actually just a conflict of needs"!
Wow, mind blown!
Why is it usually that it comes down to me needing to be allowed to be somewhere amongst others and others needing me to be away from them?
I have talked to my family and my doctors as well regarding my symptoms so many times but they ignore it saying that I am fine and overthinking. I literally had to rewind and rewatch the video coz I lost track of thoughts and got distracted halfway. It's an everyday struggle. I am happy that someone is spreading awareness about ADHD
Would be very very interested in a social skills episode.
Omg I seriously didn’t think I struggled with this until you mentioned the people pleasing aspect. I am such a people pleaser and it comes from this fear of rejection. I’d just never verbalized it.
@Creamy Infected Discharge Because they hate themselves and making other people deeply upset is the only way they feel any joy. Pathetic, I know.
omg same-
Needed this video 🥺
Same. Big time.
oh hi roberto. weird coincidence, im a big fan of your content
Facts