valid means your feelings are there and need to be sorted through. I don't take it to mean 'my feelings are true and the story im telling myself about them is fact'
Yes thank you! 100 percent agree! And it also doesn’t mean the way I act on my feelings is valid. They are valid as in they are there and it’s actually unhealthy to deny that they are there or try to think them away. Because they need to be felt and sorted through because they tell me something. The way I might act on them may very well not be valid at all. I feel like a lot of people confuse those or use „my feelings are valid“ as an excuse to act shitty. EDIT: didn’t actually watch the video yet. In the introduction it kind of sounds like she’s saying the same thing. Will keep watching now. This „valid means having a sound basis in logic or fact“ I feel like doesn’t apply here and rather valid as in „my ticket is valid“ meaning it has a right to be there.
Agreed. I’m not sure why there was any need to pick apart what the word “valid” means in this case. I agree with the distinction that was made in the video because I already understood the statement as such.
I used it because I thought I'm honoring my feelings an emotions and I promoted and I did not know that I was giving people a free pass with their an appropriate behaviors until this video today thanks to Dr Ana she changed my perspective and gave me alot to think and reflect about ❤
As philosophy majors, we learn in intro to logic that a valid argument may not be sound. Validity is whether the argument follows from the premises and soundness includes this but also entails that the premises are factually correct. So all feeling may be valid, but not all feelings are sound
Good tip that I heard from someone: feelings are always valid, but not always justified. I always thought of valid in this context similar to what you said: the person has a right to their feelings. I think the problem I see sometimes is the conflation of challenging someone on their perspective and emotional truth as invalidating.
I never liked the use of the word valid this way. Especially because the word was gaining a lot of popularity during a time when I was super dysregulated and struggling. I did not want my feelings to be valid. They were irrational and causing me a lot of distress and I wanted to hear that this was a temporary state and I deserve to feel normal, not that the way I was feeling at that moment was valid and should be accepted in some form. I have been able to express that to my therapists over the years and we use different language to discuss feelings. I'm glad that the people around me stopped using the "your feelings are valid" type of language in general also.
This is incredibly wise and humble of you. It seems that people become so entitled and desperate to be right all the time that it's hard to imagine most people coming to this self-realization. I know that people are very selfish because they are deep down very defensive but this will never excuse the truly, deeply important realities going on all around us. Issues which need to be *properly* addressed. Just like you shared.❤ I wonder if you also experience a lot of pain and frustration with the misuse of so many other, now *pop terms*, that people have been bandwagoning with. Such as using the use of the term trauma-bonding to point toward a bond between two people with similar traumas. I'm just so frustrated with everyone using half-truths and misinformation to get away with the degradation of our quality of life.
@@GentleJungleomg trauma bonding is driving me up the freaking wall. It's so minimizing to people who have actually been in an abusive relationship. "That could never be me. I worked retail and all of the employees trauma bonded over black Friday. Still doesn't mean I would let them abuse me"
Great video! I think emotions are like smoke detectors which can quickly alert us of things going right or wrong. However, they can sometimes give false positives, so we should take into account other factors too to properly assess a situation instead of thinking there must be a fire just because the smoke detector went off.
I never knew that people thought that all emotions are valid meant that they can react any kind of way. I always just saw it as a reminder to not shame and suppress my emotions. I used that phrase whenever my emotions didn't align with what seemed logical.
If people are using balanced expectations, they will understand that having feelings is normal and that feelings need to be addressed and worked through. Some will be based on real slights or injustice, and others will be based on unrealistic desires. But if a person has unhealthy relationships with feelings or is manipulative of someone else's feelings, then you get that 'I can react with screaming/ punching walls because my feelings tell me to and you have to validate my feelings' kind of attitude
Throughout my life I was pervasively told that emotions were the opposite of rational thinking. Basically feelings were "bad" and "things that skew our perception" rather than anything useful. Ultimately this was a way for my family to get me to ignore my emotions (mostly to stop me from having any anger at the injustice in my life). ...this is probably an unusual one, but this was my family's weapon of choice.
Language is important. For me, it sounds more correct to say “my feelings are natural”. Natural doesn’t mean it’s correct or that the behavior is acceptable
With my symptoms, I think it angers me more when people tell me my feelings are valid. Like. No, it’s not logical for me to assume my best friend is after my husband when she has her own significant other and he’s never shown disloyalty to me, and they both have shown me that they care for me. It’s not valid, and saying it is kind of allows the irrational black and white thinking to continue. “If they’re saying I’m right to think that, then other people must see the attraction between them” I want to know how to disarm those thoughts, not fuel them which is what I feel like the “your feelings are valid” notion kind of does
I'm assuming the actual emotion here is jealousy? Yeah, the jealousy doesn't fit the facts, but I think it's alright to say that it's *understandable* why you feel that jealousy because of the issues you struggle with. That's validating but still sits on one side of the dialectical of looking at that emotion and not treating it like it's religious doctrine---in other words, questioning the messages it's sending you and deciding how to act from there. That's where opposite action, a DBT skill, often comes in, but tbh I have yet to get that one down lmao
No offense, but before saying that your feelings aren't valid, it would actually be helpful to learn to differentiate "feelings" and "thoughts". Your feelings probably won't change until you accept them, and your body has a reason why it feels that way (doesn't have to be the actual situation, can also be a trauma response). You're continuing the black and white thinking at this point, without even noticing it.
We don't have control over what we feel or think- but what we do next matters. Not every impulse we have needs to be validated, reinforced or enacted. At times we have to stop, feel it, have a critical think about our selves, and take a step away from disproportionate or unhelpful thoughts and feelings.
in the sense of "valid" meaning "real and exists" then yes, all emotions are real and they exist because you've experienced them, but not all emotions are reflective of reality
I had an emotion when you said you’re thankful you’re no longer a therapist 😭 I think because I’m a therapist and currently in the trenches somehow. And in all seriousness I really enjoyed this topic!! Balancing emotion with reason has saved my life
When i hear the statement that "your emotions are valid" i think it's saying "your feelings are coming from you". The fact that your feelings come from you is the reason they are valid basically. It doesn't mean that they are justified/sound (the difference between a valid and sound argument in philosophy (where the term "valid" comes from) is a big difference.
To me "your feelings are coming from you" is the opposite of "valid emotions" tho. Because it disregards options that any those feelings are relevant and even possibly caused by immediate situation, since basically "they were made *alone* inside of you" or "you 'made' them somehow yourself". Also "your feelings are coming from you" is such a wannabe, even incorrect truism. Like it's plain wrong. You totally forgot about empathy? Also emotions are reactions, it doesn't make too much sense telling where they 'start'. Desire is about something you don't have, it's literally not 'from you'. And what's the logic even, any words actually come "from somebody, from ones mouth", no reason to see them as valid for it. The validity of emotions doesn't mean they necessarilly bear importance to people around a person. It means they hold some value for that person themself. How much that's about present, in what way, and how much about something else is on the person to figure out. Appropriate for examination, that's all. Applicability to the direct situation would I guess be what you mean with 'justified/sound'
@whataboutthis10 The statement that "your feelings are coming from you" in how I think of it is meant to show your emotional experience is yours/your unique reaction to the world around and inside of yourself. Basically the idea equates to "it makes sense that you feel this way because that's how you learned to feel relative to your experience".
Complete true. I’ve had to fight against the feelings I’ve had to make sure I’m a good person. I could easily be evil if I gave into my feelings and tried to validate them. I am in control. Not my feelings. They serve me. If I allow them to control me that’s on me
This is a good one. It's hard to come to terms with not being a perfect victim sometimes in those situations where you overreact to an actual injustice being perpetrated on you. It's like a small form of ego death. Also, Wtf is with all the magnetic aura bots lol
I’ve never really thought about whether my emotion is 'valid' but very recently have instead focused on actually recognizing it in that moment (prompted by a mild existential crisis and my entire life of generic masculine emotional repression). Just naming the emotion as it arises has helped me better understand my response and start uncovering its deeper roots-something I’m only now beginning to explore, its hard.
Cristal clear! I wish they had psychologists like you in my native country Sweden. Because there invalidation is a long tradition. Older people still practice it. Younger people have understood that emotions and feelings are tools for life.
Thank you so much for this. I have bipolar disorder, so when I'm unwell my emotions can become very intense, unfounded, and annoying for me to sort through. I have a couple very supportive friends who I love very much and am incredibly but when I share my struggles with this they tend to say my emotions are valid as a go-to support phrase, which is kinda... not true in this situation.
I'm glad you posted this! I've been feeling repulsed by people using emotional reasoning and insisting their strong reactions are always right. They sometimes pass off their lack of emotional regulation as emotional intelligence. Now you've helped me articulate why I run away from them 😅
I learnt this lesson the hard way. It is so true manipulative people love this expression or this point of view "I have emotions, therefore I am right". My ex cheated and then years down the road wanted to get back together. Won't get too much into the details, I was over it by that point but the reason why it didn't work was simply the entitlement and the selfishness...And well having no class. lol. anyway there were discussions on what transpired between us and when I cut the bullshit out there was this question thrown at me "why don't you take my feelings into account as to why I did what I did, you are invalidating my feelings" well it was lies. So I simply said "I am not invalidating them neither do I accept them because they are not factual, and even if your feelings are real what you claim to be their reason is not real." Seeing that expression of shock was priceless. So strange these so called "empaths" believe they can cheat on someone and then guilt trip them into taking them back. And it is weird how people get offended when you say "you slept with other men and went behind my back, and there is no going back from that for me so I've moved on. Wish you the best though, goodbye."
As someone who struggles with receptive language processing, I can understand why therapists' refusal to honor the implications of "all emotions are valid" is invalidating. I get upset when my attempts to communicate important information are misunderstood and interpreted as rude, because I'm asking for an answer to a confusing question and instead I get labeled as rude, blunt, and too honest. I've had enough people say this to me enough in the past that my intense thoughts and feelings surrounding being fundamentally misunderstood feel incredibly accurate in the moment but upon further reflection, I think they can become both valid and sound when I ask for clarification and get the answer I'm looking for. However, I'm not always sure if this is actually a language processing problem or a problem with tolerating uncertainty. What do you all think?
I have the same challenges that arise. I’m neurodivergent so mine might by stem from this, and I’ve had to grieve friendships due to this. It can be so hard
I'm a very logical person, and grew up with a mom who was very much wild behaviour based on wild emotions. I like breaking down the disconnect there. Emotions are valid, behaviours based on those emotions are not always valid.
Hi Dr. Ana! Your insights in this video were very helpful-but id really like to appreciate your communication here. Your delivery was crisp and clear, the organization of the ideas felt very structured, and it really didnt feel long at all! I appreciate you for sharing your knowledge to the world.
I really like the phrasing “your feelings are valid,” and I think that’s partially because I learned about it along with the disclaimer that the thoughts and beliefs behind those emotions are not always true. My understanding of the sentiment is along the lines of “your feelings are important and a natural result of your perception of this situation which is shaped by your past experiences.” I think it’s natural that emotional reactions are not based solely on the immediate experience but also on previous experiences, especially if they haven’t been processed.
It's funny, but the issue with the term "valid" here is seems exclusive to the English language to me. In Hebrew for example, it is much more fitting to use the word "legitimate" here, as in "your feelings as legitimate", but often I've just said "its okay to feel X in this situation", same in Russian really. But I think to say that a feeling is "wrong" to feel in a situation isn't the best formulation of things. When overwhelmed by emotions, often what feels "right" might be harmful to yourself or others, I think the right way to think here is what will be the most functional response?, what will serve me best in this situation? Especially in the long term. Then in the example you've given, storming out might feel "right", but staying there and showing compassion will help both with the relationship with the person telling the story and help with the anger itself. I think calling the right response "functional" or "serves me best in the long run" rather than "right" helps avoid the confusion, and well, it is what I usually do.
I agree with & prefer *”All feelings are.”* as opposed to “All feelings are valid.”. Intuitively, when I hear/read “valid”, I generally interpret that to have positive implications… which can get counter-productive quickly in the context of linking all feelings with said validity. That premise itself is a false-positive: falsely interpreting neutral feelings as positive. To this, I must ask *”What happens if we begin to harm our clients with toxic positivity? If we are not allowed/able to parse out emotions from logic, how are we to give our clients balanced, and therefore helpful feedback?”* Enter the expression “Kill them with kindness.” Personally, I’d rather not embody the spirit of the witch in Hansel and Gretel.
@@GentleJungle this is not a 'one size fits all' type of problem. The video is literally about exploring particular emotions individually. Tough love is preached by people who despise nuance and cope with the fact they were treated as young adults from an early age. Here some tough love for you, I'm glad you like it
@@whataboutthis10 yea I guess I have a new perspective or take on what tough love is. Probably too young to know the roots of where it comes from. I guess I meant actually using nuance and understanding of what actually needs to be done. Like lovingly holding ourselves and others accountable. Calling in instead of calling out essentially.
Envry is something you want, Jealousy is something fear losing. Jealousy doesn't mean insecure. It's tell you that you need to do something or you will lose something. So you might be envious of relationship a friends has. You could jealous that you relation might end. If you feel the jealousy it will direct you to doing good things for a relationship. Direct you to having the uncomfortable conversation that creates growth in the relationship. If you suppress jealousy it turn in the green eyed monster most associate with jealousy. So jealousy is very valid and useful.
This is a great topic. I was just talking about this today. I have a sister who was the golden child of our large dysfunctional family. She frequently expresses jealousy whenever one of the other siblings receives any meaningful support from our parents. (We are all adults now.) I used to validate her feelings. Now, I think I’m going to challenge her on it more. She received a large majority of support in the family and is now very entitled. Her narrative that it’s not fair when others get support-it just isn’t true. I’ve noticed this jealousy habit of hers is damaging her relationships.
Yea challenge the interpretation. Maybe she feels left out like immediately, but the conclusion that "it's not fair" is misguided. Anyway, resolving her personality is NOT your responsibility. Specifically, don't mistake her frequent 'admission of having issues' as readiness for personal growth or anything like that. She could just be looking for support from you to compensate for missed opportunity of attention from parents
"The right to feel them" ... an element I didn't hear talked about is the physical experience. It's taken a lot of years, and some well experienced therapists to help me navigate through "I'm highly anxious" versus "My blood pressure and heart rate are high". I've received a lot of validation, when I was trying to describe a physical problem that exacerbates high intense situations. Was able to get diagnosed with a medical issue when I stopped telling my professionals I also felt anxious when my body did that. It took a long time to find people who could view it both ways... body is in stress which makes the emotion higher, versus the emotion gets high and the body responds.
I let my emotions pick the general direction of my life while my reason handles the navigation. And also I see my knee jerk emotional responses as a shortcut or intuition accessing a situation. A flag to tell me to pay attention, good or bad. With intentional attention, you learn what emotions fit what scenarios.
I think it's about feeling seen and heard. I say "your feelings are real", sometimes we're not rational and just want to try to express ourselves as a means to communicate something we're struggling with. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable like that if they didn't react in a harmful way and only said what they felt.
That Reddit post is so legit. I want to throw my DBT book whenever I read it because it's so invalidating. The language and methods used to teach these skills are just awful. I am forever bothered by the dialectical/paradox of changing unwanted emotions vs. validating emotions. I simply...cannot change my emotions, or act oppositely, or do much regulation. It is so, so, so painful. It's invalidating to change my emotions so I'm stuck in this feedback loop lol. I understand the dialecticals. I just haven't been able to compute it. It just...can't be. I know it CAN. But my brain just can't manage it. It just DOES feel like invalidation and gaslighting. I know it's NOT. It's just that everything you say in the video is very logical but it does not seem true to my brain! I mean no offense lol, the video was lovely
I understand validity of feelings to refer to the logical outcome of the mind’s logic. It does NOT mean the mind’s logic is “valid” or consistent propositionally (contradictions/dissonances usually exist), but rather that the feelings are “valid,” or a consistent reflection of how someone thinks / is programmed to experience reality deep down (whether or not they disavow the logic of how they work). In fact, the contradictory nature of the mind’s programming leads to conflicting emotions being experienced at the same time: like a movie with a perfectly bittersweet ending makes me sad the protagonist died but happy they got what they wanted in the end simultaneously. A more explicit contradiction is the common experience of you’re not sure whether you love or hate someone.
This is SO well said. I've gone to great lengths to hear my BPD partner out about my actions that have unknowingly made her feel insecure, but the context is always her making false accusations that I've been disloyal. She tells me that me that correcting the record about actual events is invalidating her feelings. It's really just separating the wrong conclusions shes been lead to by emotional reasoning from the things that really happened, that I can improve on.
@katc2040 I would take accountability if that were the case. Her triggers are specific to ways she's caught exes cheating: if my sister or mom's clothes ended up in my laundry when I lived with them, it was interrogation. Hairs on my clothes that can't identify as hers? Has to be a girl I'm seeing. Cue worst case scenarios that she struggles to convince herself aren't real. I love her and have compassion for her, but that has been exhausting to experience.
I need advice, this video is perfect timing. Contect: iv been talking to an amzing woman fir the past month, we got to learn about each other and spend quit some time together. We feel comfortable together and our hearts have peace. We have the convo about that we want something more and going ti take it slow with our end goal being to end to together. All fun and games. Today I visited her again and all seemed fine till she said we needs to talk. It wasn’t a good one( i hear her heart and that these following points bother her). She said shes scared that ill treat her as her past relationships, even though i didnt give her any reasons to feel that way, she even said that. There are other points asweel. I just dint know what to do, she said we should take it back to a step of just friends, but u cant take things back a step. Once u crossed the line from friendship it cant be reversed
That's a tough situation. It's understandable for her to be guarded from a history of trauma and bad relationships. But it's still her responsibility to deal with her personal baggage and not let it drag down connections with others. And it's not quite fair to you that she preemptively regards you as someone that could hurt her like others have. The way I see it, she could actually be doing you a favor because her trust issues may compromise the relationship in the long-term. My friend actually went through a similar situation recently. His date had a history of cheating and scumbag exes who treated her very badly. My friend wanted to be exclusive with her, but she didn't. Their hearts were in two different places, so they stopped seeing each other. I think you have to make a decision for yourself and think about if you can wait for her to eventually let go of her baggage, or if it's not worth the time, effort, and emotional energy. As it stands, you two are incompatible in terms of availability.
This is about consent. From that perspective, her reasons are irrelevant. She has said no to a romantic relationship so it's important to respect that. If you feel that going back to being friends is not possible then the healthiest thing to do would be letting her know that and moving on.
@@alrighttumbleweed4782 agreed. This one doesn't seem it's about "making it work". Also, beware of potential change of her mind after letting her know her suggestion wouldn't work with you!
Thank you 😢 I just got into a fight with my partner and they’re Dismissive Avoidant and I’m anxious as hell so we’re having so much trouble to even communicate. I’m trying and trying and she needs space, and it’s really hard to even have a conversation.
Awesome video. I’ve sort of come to this same realization by observing my BI kiddos. Some emotional outbursts are just simply not necessary for the situation at hand.
I have to ask though, what is considered an “appropriate emotional reaction”? Because oftentimes I fear that even explaining to someone that their actions were hurtful is wrong. Like with the example of the parent not sitting at the same table as their daughter at the wedding, if the parent were to just gently tell the daughter at the wedding “hey I didn’t appreciate that, because I thought I would have meant enough to you for you to seat us at the same table”, would that be considered a disproportionate emotional reaction since I’m sure the bride would not be happy to hear that on her wedding day regardless?
I just found this channel, but I’m glad I did. Your insight is very helpful and it gives me more help with the things I talk about with my therapist. Thank you!
I take feelings to mean emotions based on one’s ethics, needs, and sense of hope. NOT feelings based on negative biases such as group polarized suspicion, societal rules and norms, or doctrine made to depict or shame groups or individual needs in derogatory ways.
For example, let's say if you feel a reactionary emotion like be anger/threatened. This could be caused from a true threat or mistreatment, but also strike ones ego and because a deep rooted issue that you might not encountered or have a true settlement of the outcome that was first presented. If you do not have the exact wisdom of how/handle the conflict. You then could impose your misbelief onto another person and then retaliate which causes harm to that persons life for no reason, which would then entail parasitical behavior on your behalf. Because you are imposing your will on the other person, which get s into punishment territory. It's very important to think before you act and not break the golden rule (treat others like you would like to be treated).
I work currently as DBT therapist (intern) and I find that the work of validation is in the context of an overarching experience of constant shame and invalidation that’s internalized, as well as often existing externally. In addition, the weakness of self experience also causes trauma and past events to flood into the present very easily, so like you say these cognitive distortions can come up so easily. I try to help my clients let all emotions exist but remind them that emotions just exist, we have to choose what we do and what consequences our own behaviors have. I find that some aspect of DBT skills rely on maxims, and I try to add in more reflective functioning and mentalizing into the therapy sessions as a result
Love the nuance in this video! It's great to hear you explain the strengths and weaknesses of different forms of therapy - it's always so fascinating to get a new/expanded perspective on things! I think it's so important for patients and therapists to be in agreement regarding goals of therapy, so that the correct approach can be used (and an accurate diagnosis can be made in the first place). Saying this as someone with ADHD who spent years trying to resolve my "anxiety" and "depression" using CBT... yea... that was not a good fit. Mistakes were made, lol. (I mean, I'm sure the CBT would have been effective, if I were actually suffering from anxiety and/or depression). I think years of inaccurate diagnosis, and subsequent inaccurate treatment caused a lot more shame and emotional dysregulation than it resolved - however, when I finally got an accurate diagnosis, I started doing ACT therapy and IFS, both of which actually addressed/validated my emotions, allowed me to acknowledge their impact on my cognition, and then taught me to challenge and manage my distressing thoughts and feelings in healthy, useful ways. Long story short - I totally agree, and I think you make several great points. Emotions need to be understood and addressed, not just taken as gospel. (Or suppressed... suppressing is bad too, lol). 😅
I suppose this connects to someone doing something they genuinely didn’t want to do, yet the emotions experienced in the moment obscure the truth - making the feeling and the action it motivates seem like the true reality instead.
The trippy thing about facts IMO compared to this emotions stuff is when facts aren't the same thing as truth. What I mean is we can sometimes not know that we don't know something. And that makes the fact a false fact.
Being her yes-man may be a slippery slope bc trying to avoid making her sad may turn into enabling her bad behavior when it does arise (if she’s human, it will inevitably lol). It sounds like she may need help interpreting her emotions and if so, I hope knowing this will make it clearer for you on how to best support her. Good luck!
If you always listen to them vent even if you don't want to, there may be a subconscious expectation they do the same for you, even when they don't want to. This can lead to resentment if they don't, but they never agreed this deal. But she's asking if she can vent about it so that's good, just make sure you consider you're allowed to say "no not right now."
@@emanuelcaparelli there's a problem with her question tho, if it goes like oc said. The fact you suggest "he is supposed to check if he can reject" should already give it away. The problem is she first starts venting and only asks for permission after. You don't ask for consent after-the-fact, that's guilt-washing etc. The concrete issue is that after a certain problem has already been introduced and she asks for permission, he's no longer judging how appropriate the moment is just based on his state - which should be the norm. After some information is given, he's forced into a decision based both on his state *and* the perceived severity of her issue. In such case his potential rejection is not saying just "not the right time for me" but automatically also "your issue does not seem important enough". Starting with the problem, she frames his potential rejection as invalidation of her stuff: textbook emotional manipulation. That's all even without the fact our guy here has clear issues with 'saying no'. A whole another topic, various fears usually contribute. How she might have contributed to this is not even the main focus, because probably his difficulty to be authentic has much deeper roots. OC if you're reading this: that's a _very serious_ issue, and it's way more important to address and resolve that, than keeping a relationship. Momentary 'convenience' should not routinely be prioritised over long-term health.
To me, “validity” in this context is about the fact that a person is the only one capable of evaluation and naming their own feelings, and therefore that they have a right to their own feelings as you said. Validity is often taken in common parlance to mean “true” but that isn’t actually what it means. “Truth” is about the accuracy of some piece of information. Validity is about whether an instrument measures what it is supposed to measure. Self-evaluation is the only valid method of measuring feelings because no one can directly share a the subjective experience of someone else. “Your feelings are valid” therefore means that only you can say how you’re experiencing something. If you experience something as painful, no one else can reasonably tell you that it’s not. If that is how you feel, then it’s painful, period.
"When you feel angry, typically that's because an injustice has occurred." You mean it's because *you believe* an injustice has occurred. Big difference. (Only a minute in, maybe you address this later.)
It's just another part of toxic positivity. As someone who has pretty irrational feelings of hatred once a month, i definitely can't defend all feelings as being valid. There comes a point where you may just have pms, like me. There is nothing wrong with it, but it would be cruel to the people in my life to validate those feelings instead of taking a step back and realising i might just be a tad hormonal.
Hey, kind of unrelated, but you have a candle lit very close to your ceiling and I'd recommend NOT doing that. 1, you could burn a dark mark into the wall. 2, that spot could get hot enough to catch fire.
I stay away from people who think they have a right to be angry as well as pretend that they loved me or the person I love enough. Until we're together forever you all will feel the same pain we feel in seeking union 😢 Those who continue to judge us with anger will for so long be unloved by those who they seek favor from by testing our faith in each other ❤ Kicking God out of school due to fear that you will be replaced does make it so. G
I think it's more like you are not wrong for having that emotion because you can't yourself create the emotion itself and it has to be provoked by a thought or action. But it doesn't mean that whatever you are feeling is logical sound because of error in logical reasoning for why you're feeling that way.
Random question and not entirely with respect to this particular video, but, i was wondering that since you have mentioned in other videos Stoic ideas (or quoting authors like Seneca) such as not worrying about things outside our control, etc., if there is any research or psychological insights that you could give regarding Stoicism, specifically for its effects on mental tranquility? (It has personally helped me a lot).
Thank you so much for this amazing video! Just a quick off-topic question: I have a SafePal wallet with USDT, and I have the seed phrase. (alarm fetch churn bridge exercise tape speak race clerk couch crater letter). Could you explain how to move them to Binance?
A small quibble that in no way invalidates the absolutely excellent argument you make here - for me, the term "emotional reasoning" is the process of reconciling your emotions to reality, not the other way around. Assume I woke up from a dream in which my wife cheated on me. I'm FURIOUS . . . but reality does not comport with my emotion so I let the emotion be without altering my understanding of reality. That's what I call "emotional reasoning."
Validity just isn't relevant for emotions. Your body (which includes your brain by the way!) does not deal with logic or facts. The brain generates experiences, which are acted on in various ways, such as generating new thoughts which can lead to other experiences. Validity is not an applicable descriptor (adjective) for feelings, just like agreeableness isn't an applicable descriptor of a rock.
Ana, Ana, Ana, I’m an older fella, likely double your age, and I’ve been following your channel for just over three months now. Let me tell you, your way of thinking, your theories, and the way you present and explain ideas have been blowing my mind! You make complex concepts feel so clear and accessible, and I’ve been in awe of your elegance and style. ✨ But today, oh, today was different. When I saw the title of your video, "Are All Feelings Actually Valid?" I thought to myself, “Finally! Here’s my chance to win one!” I was ready. I was convinced, yes, all feelings are valid. In fact, I was one of those people who used this concept to validate my own emotions and to validate others. I was sure I was on solid ground. But then, you hit me with your explanation. And just like that-BOOM-you had me. 💥 It was mind-blowing, it made perfect sense, and it opened entirely new neural pathways in my mind. 🧠✨ Suddenly, I saw things in a way I never had before. I found myself pointing all fingers back at myself and rethinking how I’ve approached this idea for years. I had to retreat to a metaphorical corner, shaking my head, utterly humbled by your genius. That explanation? Chef’s kiss! 👌👨🍳 Absolutely flawless. You got me good, Ana. You’re a mad genius-brilliant and inspiring. 🌟 Bravo on another incredible video! Keep doing what you do-your insights are a gift, and I’m here for it. 💖
Random and possibly out of line but why does it seem like a lot of gen x women are manipulative like this, it’s always a mom or mom in law someone’s venting about weaponizing something
valid means your feelings are there and need to be sorted through. I don't take it to mean 'my feelings are true and the story im telling myself about them is fact'
Yes thank you! 100 percent agree! And it also doesn’t mean the way I act on my feelings is valid. They are valid as in they are there and it’s actually unhealthy to deny that they are there or try to think them away. Because they need to be felt and sorted through because they tell me something. The way I might act on them may very well not be valid at all. I feel like a lot of people confuse those or use „my feelings are valid“ as an excuse to act shitty.
EDIT: didn’t actually watch the video yet. In the introduction it kind of sounds like she’s saying the same thing. Will keep watching now.
This „valid means having a sound basis in logic or fact“ I feel like doesn’t apply here and rather valid as in „my ticket is valid“ meaning it has a right to be there.
Yup.. and it really is that simple.
I may be wrong but it seems that a great deal of problems and conflicts could be avoided if people wouldn't take abstract concepts so literally
Agreed. I’m not sure why there was any need to pick apart what the word “valid” means in this case. I agree with the distinction that was made in the video because I already understood the statement as such.
This is a better way to reframe the idea of validating feelings. “Your feelings EXIST and are there to SHOW you somethin.” Thank you.
In general, it's a good rule in life to avoid people who weaponize therapyspeak and can't take responsibility for anything
Unfortunately, I have had bad experiences with people like this
Really puts into perspective the idea of “hurt people hurt”
I used it because I thought I'm honoring my feelings an emotions and I promoted and I did not know that I was giving people a free pass with their an appropriate behaviors until this video today thanks to Dr Ana she changed my perspective and gave me alot to think and reflect about ❤
What do you mean by weaponizing therapyspeak?
As philosophy majors, we learn in intro to logic that a valid argument may not be sound. Validity is whether the argument follows from the premises and soundness includes this but also entails that the premises are factually correct. So all feeling may be valid, but not all feelings are sound
That’s such a good way to put it!
That’s super interesting and helpful!
Good tip that I heard from someone: feelings are always valid, but not always justified. I always thought of valid in this context similar to what you said: the person has a right to their feelings. I think the problem I see sometimes is the conflation of challenging someone on their perspective and emotional truth as invalidating.
Similar to what Mike Israetel said. “Your feelings are valid but they don’t always necessarily fit the facts of the situation.”
Mike Glutes
Did NOT expect a Mike Israetel quote in these comments lmao
@ hahaha he dropped a gem!
Crossover unexpected
I never liked the use of the word valid this way. Especially because the word was gaining a lot of popularity during a time when I was super dysregulated and struggling. I did not want my feelings to be valid. They were irrational and causing me a lot of distress and I wanted to hear that this was a temporary state and I deserve to feel normal, not that the way I was feeling at that moment was valid and should be accepted in some form.
I have been able to express that to my therapists over the years and we use different language to discuss feelings. I'm glad that the people around me stopped using the "your feelings are valid" type of language in general also.
This is incredibly wise and humble of you. It seems that people become so entitled and desperate to be right all the time that it's hard to imagine most people coming to this self-realization. I know that people are very selfish because they are deep down very defensive but this will never excuse the truly, deeply important realities going on all around us. Issues which need to be *properly* addressed. Just like you shared.❤
I wonder if you also experience a lot of pain and frustration with the misuse of so many other, now *pop terms*, that people have been bandwagoning with.
Such as using the use of the term trauma-bonding to point toward a bond between two people with similar traumas.
I'm just so frustrated with everyone using half-truths and misinformation to get away with the degradation of our quality of life.
@@GentleJungleomg trauma bonding is driving me up the freaking wall.
It's so minimizing to people who have actually been in an abusive relationship.
"That could never be me. I worked retail and all of the employees trauma bonded over black Friday. Still doesn't mean I would let them abuse me"
Great video! I think emotions are like smoke detectors which can quickly alert us of things going right or wrong. However, they can sometimes give false positives, so we should take into account other factors too to properly assess a situation instead of thinking there must be a fire just because the smoke detector went off.
Such a great way to put it!
I never knew that people thought that all emotions are valid meant that they can react any kind of way. I always just saw it as a reminder to not shame and suppress my emotions. I used that phrase whenever my emotions didn't align with what seemed logical.
If people are using balanced expectations, they will understand that having feelings is normal and that feelings need to be addressed and worked through. Some will be based on real slights or injustice, and others will be based on unrealistic desires. But if a person has unhealthy relationships with feelings or is manipulative of someone else's feelings, then you get that 'I can react with screaming/ punching walls because my feelings tell me to and you have to validate my feelings' kind of attitude
Throughout my life I was pervasively told that emotions were the opposite of rational thinking. Basically feelings were "bad" and "things that skew our perception" rather than anything useful.
Ultimately this was a way for my family to get me to ignore my emotions (mostly to stop me from having any anger at the injustice in my life).
...this is probably an unusual one, but this was my family's weapon of choice.
Language is important. For me, it sounds more correct to say “my feelings are natural”. Natural doesn’t mean it’s correct or that the behavior is acceptable
With my symptoms, I think it angers me more when people tell me my feelings are valid.
Like. No, it’s not logical for me to assume my best friend is after my husband when she has her own significant other and he’s never shown disloyalty to me, and they both have shown me that they care for me.
It’s not valid, and saying it is kind of allows the irrational black and white thinking to continue. “If they’re saying I’m right to think that, then other people must see the attraction between them” I want to know how to disarm those thoughts, not fuel them which is what I feel like the “your feelings are valid” notion kind of does
I'm assuming the actual emotion here is jealousy? Yeah, the jealousy doesn't fit the facts, but I think it's alright to say that it's *understandable* why you feel that jealousy because of the issues you struggle with. That's validating but still sits on one side of the dialectical of looking at that emotion and not treating it like it's religious doctrine---in other words, questioning the messages it's sending you and deciding how to act from there. That's where opposite action, a DBT skill, often comes in, but tbh I have yet to get that one down lmao
No offense, but before saying that your feelings aren't valid, it would actually be helpful to learn to differentiate "feelings" and "thoughts". Your feelings probably won't change until you accept them, and your body has a reason why it feels that way (doesn't have to be the actual situation, can also be a trauma response).
You're continuing the black and white thinking at this point, without even noticing it.
We don't have control over what we feel or think- but what we do next matters. Not every impulse we have needs to be validated, reinforced or enacted. At times we have to stop, feel it, have a critical think about our selves, and take a step away from disproportionate or unhelpful thoughts and feelings.
in the sense of "valid" meaning "real and exists" then yes, all emotions are real and they exist because you've experienced them, but not all emotions are reflective of reality
I had an emotion when you said you’re thankful you’re no longer a therapist 😭 I think because I’m a therapist and currently in the trenches somehow. And in all seriousness I really enjoyed this topic!! Balancing emotion with reason has saved my life
When i hear the statement that "your emotions are valid" i think it's saying "your feelings are coming from you". The fact that your feelings come from you is the reason they are valid basically. It doesn't mean that they are justified/sound (the difference between a valid and sound argument in philosophy (where the term "valid" comes from) is a big difference.
To me "your feelings are coming from you" is the opposite of "valid emotions" tho. Because it disregards options that any those feelings are relevant and even possibly caused by immediate situation, since basically "they were made *alone* inside of you" or "you 'made' them somehow yourself".
Also "your feelings are coming from you" is such a wannabe, even incorrect truism. Like it's plain wrong. You totally forgot about empathy? Also emotions are reactions, it doesn't make too much sense telling where they 'start'. Desire is about something you don't have, it's literally not 'from you'.
And what's the logic even, any words actually come "from somebody, from ones mouth", no reason to see them as valid for it.
The validity of emotions doesn't mean they necessarilly bear importance to people around a person. It means they hold some value for that person themself. How much that's about present, in what way, and how much about something else is on the person to figure out. Appropriate for examination, that's all. Applicability to the direct situation would I guess be what you mean with 'justified/sound'
@whataboutthis10 The statement that "your feelings are coming from you" in how I think of it is meant to show your emotional experience is yours/your unique reaction to the world around and inside of yourself. Basically the idea equates to "it makes sense that you feel this way because that's how you learned to feel relative to your experience".
Complete true. I’ve had to fight against the feelings I’ve had to make sure I’m a good person.
I could easily be evil if I gave into my feelings and tried to validate them.
I am in control. Not my feelings. They serve me.
If I allow them to control me that’s on me
This is a good one. It's hard to come to terms with not being a perfect victim sometimes in those situations where you overreact to an actual injustice being perpetrated on you. It's like a small form of ego death.
Also, Wtf is with all the magnetic aura bots lol
I’ve never really thought about whether my emotion is 'valid' but very recently have instead focused on actually recognizing it in that moment (prompted by a mild existential crisis and my entire life of generic masculine emotional repression).
Just naming the emotion as it arises has helped me better understand my response and start uncovering its deeper roots-something I’m only now beginning to explore, its hard.
Cristal clear! I wish they had psychologists like you in my native country Sweden. Because there invalidation is a long tradition. Older people still practice it. Younger people have understood that emotions and feelings are tools for life.
I think a lot of people (incl. myself from time to time) misinterpret this phrase and use it to excuse shitty behavior.
Thank you so much for this. I have bipolar disorder, so when I'm unwell my emotions can become very intense, unfounded, and annoying for me to sort through.
I have a couple very supportive friends who I love very much and am incredibly but when I share my struggles with this they tend to say my emotions are valid as a go-to support phrase, which is kinda... not true in this situation.
I'm glad you posted this! I've been feeling repulsed by people using emotional reasoning and insisting their strong reactions are always right. They sometimes pass off their lack of emotional regulation as emotional intelligence.
Now you've helped me articulate why I run away from them 😅
I learnt this lesson the hard way. It is so true manipulative people love this expression or this point of view "I have emotions, therefore I am right". My ex cheated and then years down the road wanted to get back together. Won't get too much into the details, I was over it by that point but the reason why it didn't work was simply the entitlement and the selfishness...And well having no class. lol. anyway there were discussions on what transpired between us and when I cut the bullshit out there was this question thrown at me "why don't you take my feelings into account as to why I did what I did, you are invalidating my feelings" well it was lies. So I simply said "I am not invalidating them neither do I accept them because they are not factual, and even if your feelings are real what you claim to be their reason is not real." Seeing that expression of shock was priceless. So strange these so called "empaths" believe they can cheat on someone and then guilt trip them into taking them back. And it is weird how people get offended when you say "you slept with other men and went behind my back, and there is no going back from that for me so I've moved on. Wish you the best though, goodbye."
You look beautiful in red and I’m peeping that “baby glow”! 🤍♥️
?
Haha thank you! 🙏🏻☺️
@@AnaPsychology You’re welcome! ☺️
Real
As someone who struggles with receptive language processing, I can understand why therapists' refusal to honor the implications of "all emotions are valid" is invalidating. I get upset when my attempts to communicate important information are misunderstood and interpreted as rude, because I'm asking for an answer to a confusing question and instead I get labeled as rude, blunt, and too honest. I've had enough people say this to me enough in the past that my intense thoughts and feelings surrounding being fundamentally misunderstood feel incredibly accurate in the moment but upon further reflection, I think they can become both valid and sound when I ask for clarification and get the answer I'm looking for. However, I'm not always sure if this is actually a language processing problem or a problem with tolerating uncertainty. What do you all think?
I have the same challenges that arise. I’m neurodivergent so mine might by stem from this, and I’ve had to grieve friendships due to this. It can be so hard
I'm a very logical person, and grew up with a mom who was very much wild behaviour based on wild emotions. I like breaking down the disconnect there. Emotions are valid, behaviours based on those emotions are not always valid.
Hi Dr. Ana! Your insights in this video were very helpful-but id really like to appreciate your communication here. Your delivery was crisp and clear, the organization of the ideas felt very structured, and it really didnt feel long at all!
I appreciate you for sharing your knowledge to the world.
I really like the phrasing “your feelings are valid,” and I think that’s partially because I learned about it along with the disclaimer that the thoughts and beliefs behind those emotions are not always true. My understanding of the sentiment is along the lines of “your feelings are important and a natural result of your perception of this situation which is shaped by your past experiences.” I think it’s natural that emotional reactions are not based solely on the immediate experience but also on previous experiences, especially if they haven’t been processed.
Great video! My empathy for family and friends always brings back down to earth. When my emotions take high above the clouds.
It's funny, but the issue with the term "valid" here is seems exclusive to the English language to me.
In Hebrew for example, it is much more fitting to use the word "legitimate" here, as in "your feelings as legitimate", but often I've just said "its okay to feel X in this situation", same in Russian really.
But I think to say that a feeling is "wrong" to feel in a situation isn't the best formulation of things. When overwhelmed by emotions, often what feels "right" might be harmful to yourself or others, I think the right way to think here is what will be the most functional response?, what will serve me best in this situation? Especially in the long term.
Then in the example you've given, storming out might feel "right", but staying there and showing compassion will help both with the relationship with the person telling the story and help with the anger itself.
I think calling the right response "functional" or "serves me best in the long run" rather than "right" helps avoid the confusion, and well, it is what I usually do.
I agree with & prefer *”All feelings are.”* as opposed to “All feelings are valid.”.
Intuitively, when I hear/read “valid”, I generally interpret that to have positive implications… which can get counter-productive quickly in the context of linking all feelings with said validity. That premise itself is a false-positive: falsely interpreting neutral feelings as positive. To this, I must ask *”What happens if we begin to harm our clients with toxic positivity? If we are not allowed/able to parse out emotions from logic, how are we to give our clients balanced, and therefore helpful feedback?”* Enter the expression “Kill them with kindness.”
Personally, I’d rather not embody the spirit of the witch in Hansel and Gretel.
Tough love for the win! Constructive criticism over emotional bypassing.
@@GentleJungle this is not a 'one size fits all' type of problem. The video is literally about exploring particular emotions individually.
Tough love is preached by people who despise nuance and cope with the fact they were treated as young adults from an early age. Here some tough love for you, I'm glad you like it
@@whataboutthis10 yea I guess I have a new perspective or take on what tough love is. Probably too young to know the roots of where it comes from. I guess I meant actually using nuance and understanding of what actually needs to be done. Like lovingly holding ourselves and others accountable. Calling in instead of calling out essentially.
Envry is something you want, Jealousy is something fear losing. Jealousy doesn't mean insecure. It's tell you that you need to do something or you will lose something. So you might be envious of relationship a friends has. You could jealous that you relation might end. If you feel the jealousy it will direct you to doing good things for a relationship. Direct you to having the uncomfortable conversation that creates growth in the relationship. If you suppress jealousy it turn in the green eyed monster most associate with jealousy. So jealousy is very valid and useful.
Great explanation!
This is a great topic. I was just talking about this today.
I have a sister who was the golden child of our large dysfunctional family. She frequently expresses jealousy whenever one of the other siblings receives any meaningful support from our parents. (We are all adults now.)
I used to validate her feelings. Now, I think I’m going to challenge her on it more. She received a large majority of support in the family and is now very entitled. Her narrative that it’s not fair when others get support-it just isn’t true. I’ve noticed this jealousy habit of hers is damaging her relationships.
Yea challenge the interpretation. Maybe she feels left out like immediately, but the conclusion that "it's not fair" is misguided.
Anyway, resolving her personality is NOT your responsibility. Specifically, don't mistake her frequent 'admission of having issues' as readiness for personal growth or anything like that. She could just be looking for support from you to compensate for missed opportunity of attention from parents
"The right to feel them" ... an element I didn't hear talked about is the physical experience. It's taken a lot of years, and some well experienced therapists to help me navigate through "I'm highly anxious" versus "My blood pressure and heart rate are high". I've received a lot of validation, when I was trying to describe a physical problem that exacerbates high intense situations.
Was able to get diagnosed with a medical issue when I stopped telling my professionals I also felt anxious when my body did that. It took a long time to find people who could view it both ways... body is in stress which makes the emotion higher, versus the emotion gets high and the body responds.
I let my emotions pick the general direction of my life while my reason handles the navigation.
And also I see my knee jerk emotional responses as a shortcut or intuition accessing a situation. A flag to tell me to pay attention, good or bad. With intentional attention, you learn what emotions fit what scenarios.
if i kick a wall and get angry from the pain, my anger is real and valid, and it is also my fault
I think it's about feeling seen and heard. I say "your feelings are real", sometimes we're not rational and just want to try to express ourselves as a means to communicate something we're struggling with. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable like that if they didn't react in a harmful way and only said what they felt.
That Reddit post is so legit. I want to throw my DBT book whenever I read it because it's so invalidating. The language and methods used to teach these skills are just awful. I am forever bothered by the dialectical/paradox of changing unwanted emotions vs. validating emotions. I simply...cannot change my emotions, or act oppositely, or do much regulation. It is so, so, so painful. It's invalidating to change my emotions so I'm stuck in this feedback loop lol.
I understand the dialecticals. I just haven't been able to compute it. It just...can't be. I know it CAN. But my brain just can't manage it. It just DOES feel like invalidation and gaslighting. I know it's NOT. It's just that everything you say in the video is very logical but it does not seem true to my brain! I mean no offense lol, the video was lovely
I understand validity of feelings to refer to the logical outcome of the mind’s logic.
It does NOT mean the mind’s logic is “valid” or consistent propositionally (contradictions/dissonances usually exist), but rather that the feelings are “valid,” or a consistent reflection of how someone thinks / is programmed to experience reality deep down (whether or not they disavow the logic of how they work).
In fact, the contradictory nature of the mind’s programming leads to conflicting emotions being experienced at the same time: like a movie with a perfectly bittersweet ending makes me sad the protagonist died but happy they got what they wanted in the end simultaneously.
A more explicit contradiction is the common experience of you’re not sure whether you love or hate someone.
This is SO well said. I've gone to great lengths to hear my BPD partner out about my actions that have unknowingly made her feel insecure, but the context is always her making false accusations that I've been disloyal.
She tells me that me that correcting the record about actual events is invalidating her feelings. It's really just separating the wrong conclusions shes been lead to by emotional reasoning from the things that really happened, that I can improve on.
Sorry to hear that, stick to your truth!
Are the things you're doing that are making her insencure inculde any other women? If it does, then you are being unloyal.
@katc2040 I would take accountability if that were the case. Her triggers are specific to ways she's caught exes cheating: if my sister or mom's clothes ended up in my laundry when I lived with them, it was interrogation. Hairs on my clothes that can't identify as hers? Has to be a girl I'm seeing. Cue worst case scenarios that she struggles to convince herself aren't real. I love her and have compassion for her, but that has been exhausting to experience.
I need advice, this video is perfect timing.
Contect: iv been talking to an amzing woman fir the past month, we got to learn about each other and spend quit some time together. We feel comfortable together and our hearts have peace. We have the convo about that we want something more and going ti take it slow with our end goal being to end to together. All fun and games. Today I visited her again and all seemed fine till she said we needs to talk. It wasn’t a good one( i hear her heart and that these following points bother her). She said shes scared that ill treat her as her past relationships, even though i didnt give her any reasons to feel that way, she even said that. There are other points asweel.
I just dint know what to do, she said we should take it back to a step of just friends, but u cant take things back a step. Once u crossed the line from friendship it cant be reversed
That's a tough situation. It's understandable for her to be guarded from a history of trauma and bad relationships. But it's still her responsibility to deal with her personal baggage and not let it drag down connections with others. And it's not quite fair to you that she preemptively regards you as someone that could hurt her like others have. The way I see it, she could actually be doing you a favor because her trust issues may compromise the relationship in the long-term.
My friend actually went through a similar situation recently. His date had a history of cheating and scumbag exes who treated her very badly. My friend wanted to be exclusive with her, but she didn't. Their hearts were in two different places, so they stopped seeing each other.
I think you have to make a decision for yourself and think about if you can wait for her to eventually let go of her baggage, or if it's not worth the time, effort, and emotional energy. As it stands, you two are incompatible in terms of availability.
This is about consent. From that perspective, her reasons are irrelevant.
She has said no to a romantic relationship so it's important to respect that.
If you feel that going back to being friends is not possible then the healthiest thing to do would be letting her know that and moving on.
@@alrighttumbleweed4782 agreed. This one doesn't seem it's about "making it work".
Also, beware of potential change of her mind after letting her know her suggestion wouldn't work with you!
I think the way I’d phrase it is “all emotions are information. It’s a good idea to listen to yourself”
Thank you 😢 I just got into a fight with my partner and they’re Dismissive Avoidant and I’m anxious as hell so we’re having so much trouble to even communicate. I’m trying and trying and she needs space, and it’s really hard to even have a conversation.
16:07 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼 LOGIC!!!!!!! 😍🎉 THANK GOD FOR YOU. EVERY SINGLE PERSON NEEDS TO WATCH THIS.
I LOVE ANA SO MUCH.
Awesome video. I’ve sort of come to this same realization by observing my BI kiddos. Some emotional outbursts are just simply not necessary for the situation at hand.
I have to ask though, what is considered an “appropriate emotional reaction”? Because oftentimes I fear that even explaining to someone that their actions were hurtful is wrong. Like with the example of the parent not sitting at the same table as their daughter at the wedding, if the parent were to just gently tell the daughter at the wedding “hey I didn’t appreciate that, because I thought I would have meant enough to you for you to seat us at the same table”, would that be considered a disproportionate emotional reaction since I’m sure the bride would not be happy to hear that on her wedding day regardless?
They can always talk after the wedding.
I just found this channel, but I’m glad I did. Your insight is very helpful and it gives me more help with the things I talk about with my therapist. Thank you!
I take feelings to mean emotions based on one’s ethics, needs, and sense of hope.
NOT feelings based on negative biases such as group polarized suspicion, societal rules and norms, or doctrine made to depict or shame groups or individual needs in derogatory ways.
For example, let's say if you feel a reactionary emotion like be anger/threatened. This could be caused from a true threat or mistreatment, but also strike ones ego and because a deep rooted issue that you might not encountered or have a true settlement of the outcome that was first presented.
If you do not have the exact wisdom of how/handle the conflict. You then could impose your misbelief onto another person and then retaliate which causes harm to that persons life for no reason, which would then entail parasitical behavior on your behalf. Because you are imposing your will on the other person, which get s into punishment territory. It's very important to think before you act and not break the golden rule (treat others like you would like to be treated).
I work currently as DBT therapist (intern) and I find that the work of validation is in the context of an overarching experience of constant shame and invalidation that’s internalized, as well as often existing externally. In addition, the weakness of self experience also causes trauma and past events to flood into the present very easily, so like you say these cognitive distortions can come up so easily.
I try to help my clients let all emotions exist but remind them that emotions just exist, we have to choose what we do and what consequences our own behaviors have. I find that some aspect of DBT skills rely on maxims, and I try to add in more reflective functioning and mentalizing into the therapy sessions as a result
Wow, we really did have to unpack because there were layers to this
Love the nuance in this video! It's great to hear you explain the strengths and weaknesses of different forms of therapy - it's always so fascinating to get a new/expanded perspective on things!
I think it's so important for patients and therapists to be in agreement regarding goals of therapy, so that the correct approach can be used (and an accurate diagnosis can be made in the first place).
Saying this as someone with ADHD who spent years trying to resolve my "anxiety" and "depression" using CBT... yea... that was not a good fit. Mistakes were made, lol. (I mean, I'm sure the CBT would have been effective, if I were actually suffering from anxiety and/or depression).
I think years of inaccurate diagnosis, and subsequent inaccurate treatment caused a lot more shame and emotional dysregulation than it resolved - however, when I finally got an accurate diagnosis, I started doing ACT therapy and IFS, both of which actually addressed/validated my emotions, allowed me to acknowledge their impact on my cognition, and then taught me to challenge and manage my distressing thoughts and feelings in healthy, useful ways.
Long story short - I totally agree, and I think you make several great points. Emotions need to be understood and addressed, not just taken as gospel. (Or suppressed... suppressing is bad too, lol). 😅
Similar story with me! Also a big fan of ACT
I suppose this connects to someone doing something they genuinely didn’t want to do, yet the emotions experienced in the moment obscure the truth - making the feeling and the action it motivates seem like the true reality instead.
The trippy thing about facts IMO compared to this emotions stuff is when facts aren't the same thing as truth. What I mean is we can sometimes not know that we don't know something. And that makes the fact a false fact.
Whenever my gf talks about something that's bothering her, and she asks if that's okay, I always say yes. I can't live with myself if I made her sad
Does she check that you're emotionally available beforehand?
Being her yes-man may be a slippery slope bc trying to avoid making her sad may turn into enabling her bad behavior when it does arise (if she’s human, it will inevitably lol). It sounds like she may need help interpreting her emotions and if so, I hope knowing this will make it clearer for you on how to best support her. Good luck!
If you always listen to them vent even if you don't want to, there may be a subconscious expectation they do the same for you, even when they don't want to. This can lead to resentment if they don't, but they never agreed this deal. But she's asking if she can vent about it so that's good, just make sure you consider you're allowed to say "no not right now."
@@emanuelcaparelli there's a problem with her question tho, if it goes like oc said. The fact you suggest "he is supposed to check if he can reject" should already give it away.
The problem is she first starts venting and only asks for permission after. You don't ask for consent after-the-fact, that's guilt-washing etc.
The concrete issue is that after a certain problem has already been introduced and she asks for permission, he's no longer judging how appropriate the moment is just based on his state - which should be the norm. After some information is given, he's forced into a decision based both on his state *and* the perceived severity of her issue. In such case his potential rejection is not saying just "not the right time for me" but automatically also "your issue does not seem important enough". Starting with the problem, she frames his potential rejection as invalidation of her stuff: textbook emotional manipulation.
That's all even without the fact our guy here has clear issues with 'saying no'. A whole another topic, various fears usually contribute. How she might have contributed to this is not even the main focus, because probably his difficulty to be authentic has much deeper roots.
OC if you're reading this: that's a _very serious_ issue, and it's way more important to address and resolve that, than keeping a relationship. Momentary 'convenience' should not routinely be prioritised over long-term health.
Don't make yourself sad to avoid making her sad. Avoiding conflict is just as harmful as unhealthy conflict.
Thank-you
This is a banger of a video.
Thank you, always!
To me, “validity” in this context is about the fact that a person is the only one capable of evaluation and naming their own feelings, and therefore that they have a right to their own feelings as you said. Validity is often taken in common parlance to mean “true” but that isn’t actually what it means. “Truth” is about the accuracy of some piece of information. Validity is about whether an instrument measures what it is supposed to measure. Self-evaluation is the only valid method of measuring feelings because no one can directly share a the subjective experience of someone else. “Your feelings are valid” therefore means that only you can say how you’re experiencing something. If you experience something as painful, no one else can reasonably tell you that it’s not. If that is how you feel, then it’s painful, period.
Excellent video!
I love your content ❤
Thank you Ana
I love this video. I actually agree with all the points presented in this video. Thank you for the thorough and deep explanation. ❤😅
"When you feel angry, typically that's because an injustice has occurred." You mean it's because *you believe* an injustice has occurred. Big difference. (Only a minute in, maybe you address this later.)
Bravo! You’re amazing
It's just another part of toxic positivity. As someone who has pretty irrational feelings of hatred once a month, i definitely can't defend all feelings as being valid. There comes a point where you may just have pms, like me. There is nothing wrong with it, but it would be cruel to the people in my life to validate those feelings instead of taking a step back and realising i might just be a tad hormonal.
Wow, great video!
excelente vídeo!
I always say " all feelings are valid but actions are not "
Hey, kind of unrelated, but you have a candle lit very close to your ceiling and I'd recommend NOT doing that. 1, you could burn a dark mark into the wall. 2, that spot could get hot enough to catch fire.
Ever explore the concept of being Emotionally Compromised! And even the potential collision with certain aspects of law🤔
I stay away from people who think they have a right to be angry as well as pretend that they loved me or the person I love enough.
Until we're together forever you all will feel the same pain we feel in seeking union 😢
Those who continue to judge us with anger will for so long be unloved by those who they seek favor from by testing our faith in each other ❤
Kicking God out of school due to fear that you will be replaced does make it so.
G
Very nice explanation
Great stuff.
I think it's more like you are not wrong for having that emotion because you can't yourself create the emotion itself and it has to be provoked by a thought or action. But it doesn't mean that whatever you are feeling is logical sound because of error in logical reasoning for why you're feeling that way.
Congrats on the pregnancy
Love you
IMO all feelings are valid. Not all expressions of your feelings are okay.
please do anxiety related to not being good at emitional intimacy
like vulnerability
Random question and not entirely with respect to this particular video, but, i was wondering that since you have mentioned in other videos Stoic ideas (or quoting authors like Seneca) such as not worrying about things outside our control, etc., if there is any research or psychological insights that you could give regarding Stoicism, specifically for its effects on mental tranquility? (It has personally helped me a lot).
Thank you so much for this amazing video! Just a quick off-topic question: I have a SafePal wallet with USDT, and I have the seed phrase. (alarm fetch churn bridge exercise tape speak race clerk couch crater letter). Could you explain how to move them to Binance?
Girl that was so obviously your mom at your wedding 😅
What do you do when other weaponize emotional reasoning, claiming you’re invalidating their feelings?
Significant
Dr. Ana, what’s your opinion on intuition that is based on reality???
Interesting
I know this ask is a long shot, but do you think you can give your opinion on the whole OwONekko drama?
All emotions are valid, not all actions are
for all book enjoyers like myself, reading the ebook 'Magnetic Aura' is a must
A small quibble that in no way invalidates the absolutely excellent argument you make here - for me, the term "emotional reasoning" is the process of reconciling your emotions to reality, not the other way around. Assume I woke up from a dream in which my wife cheated on me. I'm FURIOUS . . . but reality does not comport with my emotion so I let the emotion be without altering my understanding of reality. That's what I call "emotional reasoning."
Will you please do a video on autism?? I'd especially like to see a video on late-diagnosed autistic women (and men)
It sounds like validity in this context means - is the emotion and its intensity given an antecedent adaptive or not.
Validity just isn't relevant for emotions. Your body (which includes your brain by the way!) does not deal with logic or facts. The brain generates experiences, which are acted on in various ways, such as generating new thoughts which can lead to other experiences. Validity is not an applicable descriptor (adjective) for feelings, just like agreeableness isn't an applicable descriptor of a rock.
Cool jamz
its hard to put into words, but the book Magnetic Aura from Talesio completely changed my life and it's not new age bs
awesome video
Ana, Ana, Ana,
I’m an older fella, likely double your age, and I’ve been following your channel for just over three months now. Let me tell you, your way of thinking, your theories, and the way you present and explain ideas have been blowing my mind! You make complex concepts feel so clear and accessible, and I’ve been in awe of your elegance and style. ✨
But today, oh, today was different. When I saw the title of your video, "Are All Feelings Actually Valid?" I thought to myself, “Finally! Here’s my chance to win one!” I was ready. I was convinced, yes, all feelings are valid. In fact, I was one of those people who used this concept to validate my own emotions and to validate others. I was sure I was on solid ground.
But then, you hit me with your explanation. And just like that-BOOM-you had me. 💥 It was mind-blowing, it made perfect sense, and it opened entirely new neural pathways in my mind. 🧠✨ Suddenly, I saw things in a way I never had before. I found myself pointing all fingers back at myself and rethinking how I’ve approached this idea for years. I had to retreat to a metaphorical corner, shaking my head, utterly humbled by your genius. That explanation? Chef’s kiss! 👌👨🍳 Absolutely flawless. You got me good, Ana. You’re a mad genius-brilliant and inspiring. 🌟
Bravo on another incredible video! Keep doing what you do-your insights are a gift, and I’m here for it. 💖
7:40 what is this phrase/word? I am not even sure what she's saying, but I'm pretty sure it isn't English.
carte blanche
Word.
Random and possibly out of line but why does it seem like a lot of gen x women are manipulative like this, it’s always a mom or mom in law someone’s venting about weaponizing something
yeeee such a beauty 🙊🙊🔥🔥