Why adult children go no contact, according to science
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Intro music: Church of 8 Wheels by Otis McDonald
Outro music: Lensko Let’s Go
Time Stamps:
0:00 Intro
1:40 Why adult children go no-contact with their parents
9:17 Discrepancy with what their parents think is the reason
15:21 Estrangement is a process, not an event
17:10 TaskieHusky
19:19 Effects of estrangement
22:10 What the average participant might want their parent to know
References:
Agllias, K. (2018). Missing family: the adult child’s experience of parental estrangement . Journal of Social Work Practice, 32(1), 59-72. doi.org/10.1080/02650533.2017...
Linden, A. H., & Sillence, E. (2021). “I’m finally allowed to be me”: parent-child estrangement and psychological wellbeing. Families, Relationships and Societies, 10(2), 325-341. Retrieved Apr 12, 2024, from doi.org/10.1332/204674319X156...
Agllias, K. (2016). Disconnection and Decision-making: Adult Children Explain Their Reasons for Estranging from Parents. Australian Social Work, 69(1), 92-104. doi.org/10.1080/0312407X.2015...
Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., Kellas, J. K., & Vagnoni, E. (2015). Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 130-140. doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2015...
Gilligan M, Suitor JJ, Pillemer K. Estrangement Between Mothers and Adult Children: The Role of Norms and Values. J Marriage Fam. 2015 Aug;77(4):908-920. doi: 10.1111/jomf.12207. PMID: 26207072; PMCID: PMC4507819.
Agllias, K. (2015). Difference, Choice, and Punishment: Parental Beliefs and Understandings about Adult Child Estrangement. Australian Social Work, 68(1), 115-129. doi.org/10.1080/0312407X.2014...
Check out TaskieHusky for a gentle, fun way to teach your child independence & responsibility. Click here for 50% off! taskiehusky.com/anapsychology
Thank you for this video!
Estrangement from siblings is probably very similar
There’s something wrong with the audio on this video. It keeps cutting out, is distracting from your message and making the whole presentation virtually unwatchable.
Is it possible for you to re-record this, making sure the audio isn’t cutting out?
Thank you
You also have to factor in Social Contagion as well.
When children, or young adults really want to fit in with their peers, they often adopt values that are antithetical to their parent's values or even toxic to themselves.
Social Contagion is also a major issue.
Also, we live in a time where public schools are pushing values onto children that are antithetical to their parent's values, and often undermine the parent/child relationship. This is starting to happen more often than not, where teachers will push their values onto their students and hide it from the parents. Gender, political, social, etc values are now being enforced in public schools without the parents even knowing about it, and some public school faculty will go as far as to tell their students not to tell their parents, to hide what they are being told and taught.
This pits the child against their parents which often leads to children or young adults going " No contact" with their parents.
I misread your name - The P became an L after Ana. I could not imagine how that went. Ha!
I didn’t shut them out to teach them a lesson. I shut them out because I learnt my lesson.
Well said ❤
Amen!
FACTS
*learned
Learned my lesson not learnt.
“Estranged” is a funny word because, growing up in an authoritarian household with plenty of physical, verbal, emotional abuse, it’s not as if my family and I were ever close. I was just stuck there.
That was my experience too put succinctly, I don't have anything to miss, the only thing I grief is my wasted childhood.
That's a good way of putting it! 💗
Oof. That hits.
Exactly!!! Couldn't have said it better. I realised as an adult - the ' big scary world'was like buttercups and rainbows compared to what I grew up in! I started to realise I feel safer outside of the family because I am. But Stockholm syndrome is real and it took me 40 yrs to get over
Sucks though when I think back and wonder since what they said was love for me…was far from it….i wonder what live really feels like….i loved them …why did I give them that energy when they gave me the opposite….
Children don't just self orphan themselves for the heck of it.
This.
This is the quote ❤
they do if their 'tribe' appeals more
This is powerful. Truth slaps.
@@GaZonk100 what is a "tribe"?
"I didn't break off all contact to hurt her, I did it to become a person."
100%
We know that these people can’t hurt in a way that normal humans would. Any hurt would be because they can’t get what they want from us anymore. They’re incapable of true connection.
Yup, and sometimes the parents use your siblings as weapons to gang up you, so there’s an entire toxic family system that you have to walk away from to become a real person. I never knew how to heal or feel true happiness until I left ALL the abusers. I remember them on every holiday & birthday by saying a prayer. Since the disconnect, I’ve found much better relationships and cherish the real love in my life. That’s enough.
Yup! After decades of being dehumanized, I’m learning how to be human.
@@eliwahuhu me too. 🫂
so true
Expecting an abusive person to actually believe and admit they're abusive is where everyone goes wrong.
Yea they see it as an attack and focus only on defending themselves
💯
@@Ashley-yy3deOr they see their behavior as normal and can not comprehend why it is hurtful. They are simply bewildered that one is hurt by gaslighting or blatant mockery.
@@wisecoconut5 yup. That's how it was for me. It's awful.
@@Ashley-yy3de They do not recognize an olive branch. Their loss, felt by us.
People underestimate how prevalent abuse is.
The idea that parents can't do wrong and especially mothers and always the kids are at fault like if kids should be the ones to educate their parents and teach them how to treat them is vicious.
Ain't that the truth!
Yep
Word. Even the researchers. That line about "oh their attributions may not have been accurate" really pissed me off.
Crazy
To anyone who is a parent and says "you weren't perfect either"
That might have been true, but also, THEY WERE A CHILD AND IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WAY YOU CHOSE TO TREAT THEM.
that's my moms go to. she defends herself and blames me.
So well said.. it's not even just that I was a child, THEY ARE* AN ADULT. Like... seriously? So fucking ridiculous lol
My mother tried to do this, texted my sister crying "I wasn't perfect but I was the only one there" ummm miss gurl we weren't even born yet we didn't choose to make you become a single mom by having children in unstable hookup type scenarios 💀 And she was highly ab*sive on top of. I understand she was young, mentally ill, and didn't have the resources required. But children are not responsible for choices that adults make, and we don't ask to be here
Yep - have heard that one a lot. The best time was recently when I decided to tell her how I was SA at 13 by a 31 year old and her response - “that’s your fault, and don’t blame me” ummm I didn’t mention her at all. The defensiveness was strong.
Truth! One was the adult, other was a child.
another thing nobody ever talks about is that nobody WANTS to leave their family. no sane person wishes to leave unless they've literally exhausted every other option. one of the biggest voids in my soul is the space where my parents' (conditional) love used to be. i love my found family but there is an undeniable biological urge to want to be close to the people who put you on this earth. it's heartbreaking to find yourself unwanted after they're the ones who consented to your existence in the first place.
only person I've heard mentioning this was... Michael Franzese (ex-mob)
I don;t remember the video tho..
Do you wanna know the age I found out that most other parents don’t belittle their children physically abuse, tell them that they would be nothing without them, and that they are nothing without them?
I was 18!!!! I was 18 when I found out most of my other friends aren’t getting abused at at home!!! I thought beating your kids and calling them evil names was normal. And yes i was still getting slapped around at 18.
too real...
@@a.h.i267when i first told my classmates about the shit that happened at home i would kinda laugh about it because i thought it was relatable. my friends would say "dude.... thats actually really fucked up".
it took until well into high school for me to visit other kids' homes and see that their lives aren't a constant game of walking on eggshells and living in fight or flight mode. crazy.
Completely agreed.
Alot of parents need to understand it's not a sudden thing. Estrangement happens in childhood. You can't do anything about it when you're a kid. You can when you're a adult. So it may seem sudden but it's a failure on the parent to not properly connect to their kid.
Spot on!
YES THIS
Truth.
well said
Exactly. Often abusers don't realize we're just going through the motions and are actually miserable. Or worse, they don't even care that we're miserable. As long as we go through the motions to maintain their reputation - They couldn't care less.
Having grief for the parents you never had is rough.
What generation is everyone talking about? I'm a baby boomer and the thinking is different.
💯
@@Rottimail funny, cause it's your generation,
@@Rottimail I'm a baby boomer, too, and I find this 'spot on.' I don't think it's specific to any particular generation.
@@thouston53 Okay.
No contact is a form of setting a boundry so the other person is no longer able to harrass and/or abuse.
THIS. This right here. It's the ultimate boundary that must be set when no other boundaries are respected by the personality disordered parent.
I see a lot of comments with narcissistic parents and in my experience, narcissistic parents don't even understand the concept of boundary setting. They don't engage with your will, because theirs is the only important one.
My mother was a narcissist with a quick and frequent temper that would flair when I didn't do or act like she wanted. God help me if I somehow embarrassed her in front of friends or family! As I became an adult, I started to understand her issues and just dealt with her to keep the family relationship. But when she started using her temper on my 6 year old daughter, that was the "straw that broke the camel's back". When I "set the boundary" by cutting off most of our family contact with her, the didn't have to wonder why because I told her why. That didn't change her perspective or behavior one iota and she continued to blame me for the rift in our relationship and for barely keeping touch for all of my adult life. Late in life, she developed dementia and would tell friends and family what bad son I was and that she hadn't heard from me in years when in fact, it may have only been days or weeks since I had spoken to her, but that perception was her reality. Maybe it's not right to expect people to change to meet our needs, but if they won't, then sometimes it's necessary to protect ourselves and our loved ones from their abuse.
Such immature selfish comments. Self-centeredness is destructive for everyone involved.
I feel like no one talks about an abusive childhood then the "nicer" parents in adulthood. You're stuck in permanent limbo remembering the crap they did to you then, while they are helping you or being nice to you now. It's a feeling I don't have words for.
OMG THIIISSSS, and they go “why don’t you talk or come around often?” In that infuriating feigned ignorance
life was better as a child than as i got older it got worse
THIS. And I feel like shit for being angry/resentful when they are being so nice now. Like why can't I be the bigger person and accept them for who hey are, instead of getting hung up on who they were?
@@wen6519 partly because you lost out on a lot of life because of them.
@@wen6519 because they weren’t as kind and introspective as you are
I told my mom exactly why. Laid it out in full. She still sent me guilt tripping letters asking how long I was going to “punish her”. Those parents in the study also knew why. They simply rejected the why’s as valid.
Mine did the exact same thing when I sent letters
Essentially, “Can you get over it already?” Gee, why am I not in a hurry to reconnect with you…
I can't tell you how explicitly and carefully I always laid out my point of view as an adult when my dad and I would argue. I even told him one of the last times we argued that if he continued this behavior, I wouldn't engage with him anymore. I warned him multiple times. Told him exactly what I needed for us to have a healthy relationship. Narcissists don't WANT to work for a healthy relationship. They want your personality to perfectly align with their world view, their fantasy. Also dad being an alcoholic doesn't help.
My moms an enabler of my dad and i get "why are you punishing me for what he did" because youre still married to him and giving him excuses.
Why on earth would you read letters sent by someone you have rejected? Just throw them in the trash unread.
I didn't go no contact because of my childhood. I went no contact because at 50 years old, they were still telling me that I wasn't enough and everything that was associated with me- my accomplishments, my children, my home, my dreams, was unworthy of their acknowledgement.
Well done..the hardest thing in the world
Wow, same here
My parents have never shown any interest in my life outside of milestones like joining the Air Force or getting married. I could start talking about something important to me, and event, and insight, whatever.. and the subject would be changed to whatever my mother had for lunch that day. I just learned not to share anything important or meaningful to me because it weighed in as less significant than a TV show or something other mundane thing they did that day.
For the record, I'm not talking about needy or long conversations. Just the basic 3-5 min versions (which I've learned to do) but still pretty much zero interest.
I would take this (my mother died last year) however, over the kinds of parents of adult children that get TOO involved.
It never made me sad that there was no interest in my life, but if she ever wondered why I rarely called..
my mum told me to get out, so i did.
three years later i saw her again and she said "i didn't mean for good".
well, that wasn't made clear.
It was made clear when she had 3 years to tell you that and chose not to.
@@cj2130 to be fair, she had no choice. 3 years later was when i saw her next
@@Ghryst Why did she not contact you for three years? Was she in a coma?
May be you treated her like trash?
Well, than its a good thing they moved out isn't it? Also parents saying "stop disrespecting me" as a response to the most mundane basic words and phrases is literally a universal thing. At a certain point you don't give an f if your parent is upset or not, especially if they continue to disrespect you all the time. So you might also be right @@Anastasia-nn5fy
I think the sentiment of "both parties taking accountability" is a moot point in this conversation, because we are talking about the neglect of literal children. It is 100% the adults fault for these situations.
I didn’t think about this, it’s a good point
Soo.. it’s not like children CAN be bad people? 😏
@@Anastasia-nn5fy if a parent thinks that, they sure as hell aren't setting their child up for success.
@@Anastasia-nn5fy The child is developing, has little to no notion of anything vs. a grown a$$ person who has lived much longer and selflessly decided to have a kid
if the child acts in a "bad" way is up to the parent to correct the behavior without harming the child, not because the child should be over-protected but because the child is developing, there are different processes according to age and bad parents have no notion of that.
@@juanvaz8345 we are talking about adult children leaving their parents
Narcissists rarely understand that they are the problem. It's always everyone else's fault.
It's not about who is 'at fault', it takes two to have a relationship and work love out.
@@marwar819 When one person is incapable of accepting that they have done anything, ever, that might mean they are the asshole, then they assign blame elsewhere. Always.
It shouldn't surprise me that blaming a therapist is common. That's what my mum did - said I have false memories of abuse from a therapist implanting them 💀
one of the most common perspectives coming from people who tend to be controlling authoritarian parents is that therapy is bad for children and teens (and often adults too, but especially children and teens). 🤨
Anything but self reflection 🙄
It is strangely ironic-they often gaslight you into believing you're "mentally ill" and "need therapy"...then you go to therapy and learn about emotional abuse and personality disorders and estrange from the family, NOW the therapist is the problem!
And they never see how illogical and extreme that sounds compared to the simple answer of "my child wanted to end the cycle of abuse".
My dad said this
I’ll shorthand it: don’t treat your kids like utter garbage when they are children, and then expect them to want to engage with you and have a relationship as adults. If a parent treated their friends and acquaintances like this, these people would never want to be around them again.
Why is this so difficult to understand for parents in the parent/child dynamic?
Absolutely correct. You reap what you sow with parent/adult child relationships. The parent who genuinely loves the company of their child when the child requires lots of work and care will benefit from a more friend like connection once that child is an adult.
It's too difficult for some people NOT to take advantage of a child's dependence.
They're twisted people.
As a child, my inner prayer was always "I wish my parents treated me with the same respect and courtesy as they do with their coworkers." They didn't.
@@lengarionDude same!
The parent stating confusion for the reasons is iften just denial.
I'm low contact with my mom and she will always act confused why were not close and asks if I have a problem with her.
She actually has a detailed letter from me describing my point of view. She never engages with the points but claims she has no Idea what's going on.
Yeah, this is it perfectly. I'm low contact well after a few years of no contact. Two or three times in my life I showed her hard evidence of her abuse. The closest I ever got to an admission was when I printed out "characteristics of narcissistic mums" on parishmiller and asked her to read through it and as she did she laughed repeatedly saying things like "hehe I say this all the time" to direct quotes in the article.
But when I doubled down and said. If you admit that you do this how can you still deny that you ever abused me.
To which she would reply with something like "I never abused you! You are abusing me by accusing me of abusing you! No one can hurt our feelings if we don't let them hurt our feelings. If you think I hurt you that is just you making yourself hurt and blaming me!"
The level of mental gymnastics is really crazy. It just became much easier to accept I will never receive an apology and to act as if my childhood didn't happen to maintain a relationship. And as long as there is no power imbalance between my mother and I, she is aware she can't cross the line or I will go no contact again.
That is literally exactly what did with mine and the exact same response
relatable :( @@ThatSpazamataz when you say power imbalance, can you elaborate what that means?
This infuriates me to no end. My mother does the same thing. She asks me what's wrong and I tell her, and she just shrugs it off and keeps asking.
I did the letter as well. She still doesn't know why I am not close to her, she doesn't know what she did was so bad.
I think it all comes down to pride. Too prideful to change. Too prideful to admit they’re wrong. These parents would rather lose their child than let go of this image of themselves in their head that isn’t real. Pretty sick. My parents sexually and physically abused me and I STILL gave them multiple chances to take real accountability and I would have forgiven them. I even tried to explain to my mom what gaslighting is and how she was doing it to me ( strongly do not recommend).
Sorry to hear about this pal. Keep your head up, praying for you 🙏🏻💗
I, too, tried to explain gaslighting and projection and it did not go well for me either.
Talking to abusers, or explaining their behavior seems to ignite an explosive denial of the behavior and intensified treatment. #1 tip, never tell the abuser your secrets, your vulnerability like a crush, let alone dreams, hopes... they will take that knowledge and destroy you , your emotions, crush and destroy that dream, or hope for positive emotions in you. They extract your light, and dump their darkness into you. Protect yourself.
Thats so sad. Please stay safe from them.
@@cathycoryell2351100% my mom is not an attractive person. But I could never bring partners around because she’d flirt with them /hit on them /make them uncomfortable. Several people bailed because of it
My parents and older sibling NEVER liked me. At 57 years, when I went 100% no contact, it was easy. No one cared. I think the reality of how there was zero affection for me, as I had suspected all my life, was a harsh painful reality I could no longer sweep under the carpet in order to maintain a “relationship “ with them. However, it was the best decision I ever made. I have been growing a lot since going no contact.
I can relate. Hope you’re doing well.
Peace and reason. ✌️
❤
🤗✨❤❤❤ big kudos to you love 💕
Omg....that's Exactly what happened to me and what I did, except I was 59. Thought I was the only one. I'm glad I'm not alone. ❤ Haven't spoken to them ( mother and sister) since, and I feel like a HUGE Weight was lifted from my shoulders.
Yeah my siblings never called. And I didn't expect them to. So long, strangers 🤷♂
My best advice for dealing with a parent like this, and dealing with their gaslighting, is to listen to your body. If you feel like you cant trust your memories or emotions, see how your body feels when you think of your parent or how it feels when their name pops up on your phone. Do you go into fight or flight? Thats how i know my mother is wrong.
Spot on! Your body knows!!!!!
I gave my mother's phone number a distinct ringtone so that I would know it's her when she calls. That gives me more time to decide whether I have the energy to talk with her (listen to her ramble on) right then.
cortisol poisoning basically
@@seabreeze4559 omg yes. I've never heard that term before but it truly is that
This is so accurate! When I see my parents' names under a call or text, I instantly feel dread...
The main reason adult children go no contact is that those parents don't stop no matter how old their children are. Therefore false nemory is no valid argument. It is actually happening.
Was thinking about this last night. So many parents want you to “forget” the past and move on but are currently causing hell in your life 😂
This is called gas lighting and a form of control. After going no contact with my parents my memory became really clear.
My MRI of a bad back isn't a false memory. Permanent injuries.
Exactly. They ask "can't you just let it go? It's in the past."
But it's not just in the past, it's current events, happening right now, the same things again and again.
Amen. That's the last straw, when the same behaviour just keeps repeating and they expect you to just continue rolling with it.
I think the hardest thing after being in therapy for almost a year is realizing that they were a grownup and you were a child
yes
Mentally they're not an adult it's an illusion that you should realize as you grow older and emotionally mature self
More like an underdeveloped child in an immature bodymind of an adult.
Which is pretty similar definition to literally demonic possession..
The realization that i was a helpless child dependant on a 25 & 28 year old, hit me like a truck. I didn't know better because i was a child learning. How was i supposed to know how to regulate my emotions straight out of the womb
Bottom line abusive parents are not even worth your time and energy. I don't care what people say or think. You want a healthy environment cut of your toxic parents. I'm a socia worker people have no idea the trauma these innocent children go threw we have a long waiting list for these children to recieve therapy.
You are accurate and brave IMHO.
Not to mention the power dynamic between children and their parents. Growing up in an abusive, invalidating, controlling, toxic home for a child its survival and adults are in control. Children don't own as much responsibility for the relationship as adults and i've seen parents weaponize this as if the child had control over the dynamic, expecting them to be adults. As someone that is distancing i've asked, begged, cried for change and having the same skull crushing conversations over and over and being misunderstood over and over becomes self harm.
I totally agree! As a kid I was their emotional and physical punching bag, made to cater to their every whim. As an adult, I refuse to give any more of my precious time to them. I've given them enough
You're not being misunderstood you're being gaslighted people do this s*** on purpose
When I became an adult I realized it was very similar to growing up in a cult. The narcissistic parent is like the cult leader and keeps their tiny little follower (child) isolated and dependent. They love bomb, then abuse. Gaslight so much the child can’t distinguish reality from the reality the parent wants them to believe. And it’s terrible for development.
@@StayAtHomeMemeyup
There comes a point, after trying different approaches, schooling your body language, keeping a soft tone, a loving but hurt gaze, reaching into the thesaurus and rewording and re-verbalizing the same statements again and again...that you accept "they're choosing to misunderstand and make assumptions about what I'm actually thinking/feeling. I can't make them."
I went low contact with my parents not because of my childhood alone, but because of their refusal to acknowledge my childhood.
I think when parents wrong their kids, in most cases, there's a way to remedy it, by simply apologizing and owning your mistake.
My parents failed to do that and tried to blame me and even say I remembered it all wrong.
And that was the last straw for me.
@8:30 The author seems to forget that children are 100% dependent on their parents and can’t have an equal give and take relationship where “they have a responsibility too” for how the relationship goes.
Even if the child is now an adult it’s still not the their responsibility to stop the parent from abusing them.
It's maybe not their "responsibility"... but most likely, no one is going to stop it, if they won't do it themselves.
It's not your responsibility to stop abuse when you're an adult? I'm not following this line of thinking. Everyone is responsible for themselves in adulthood. Nobody is going to save you.
@@pisceananarchyvortex7223 Your right in your broad assesment, but "respnsibility" is meant as fault. And nobody is at fault if someone else abuses them. It's the fault of the abuser. Still, yes nobody is going to save you, so it lays in one owns hands to pull themselves out. But some try as hard as they might, there is just no escaping their situation...
@@dannyvalward1524There's another terrible thing with that. When you don't love yourself enough to help yourself. When it's been ingrained into you that you don't deserve better.
The only part that surprised me is that most of the adults children were willing to forgive their abusive parents. I cannot imagine ever forgiving them.
I would lie if I said that I didn't feel tempted to have them back in my life if things actually got better.
I need to keep my adress a secret, can't be on social media, etc to ensure that they don't find me. It's exhausting. I am about to move to another country which makes me feel very reliefed.
Yeah, and I do miss the idea of having a family. I can see how people would forgive their parents
It’s easy if they make significant changes and apologize. It also depends on the kind of mistreatment the parent engaged in.
same, but I guess it depends on the level of treatment that they received, and where they are in their stages of no contact grief! I will never forgive, the unforgivable!
Well... many times they're only repeating learned patterns from their parents.
@@mommalion7028apologise is the magic word, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it.
My parents now they’re needy like children they went from no interest whatsoever to intrusively interested
Same with my mother after my dad died. I wonder if her change was due to her realizing how neglectful she was and tried to overcorrect lol but whenever I tried to tell her I need space she got angry.
I wasn't allowed to be honest with her ever. Because any critiques from me was an attack on her ego and parenting. "Oh so I'm just a bad mother huh?" "When your father died, I raised you all on my own!" "How could you say that to your own mother? I won't be around forever you know.."
100%, from neglectful to obsessive
@@Sierra358god the go to "so I'm just a horrible parent?!?" YES you were and are!
I noticed this too. When I got older they got childish.
@@Ravenluvs It's just another manipulative strategy. Don't fall for it!
It’s crazy how their psyche are not strong enough “to take responsibility” , minimal acknowledgment…
, but they will not hesitate to do the damage AGAIN while playing dumb and hoping they can get everybody to conveniently hate who they hate
Sounds like the former POTUS
@@doricetimko5403 Yeah, Obama sucked. I agree.
@@doricetimko5403 Keep politics out of this.
Because for them their needs come first. Even at the sacrifice of their children.
poisoning the well?
Too many people put genetics over actual caring for another human. To not see your now adult child as a human, is such a terriblw thing
I stopped talking to my mother last year. I couldn’t even come up with anything to tell her because I knew she’d just attack me and would not be receptive. She has absolutely zero self awareness and never takes responsibility for anything. She is also very conniving and manipulates everyone so I was always looking for other motives when communicating with her. She did steal from me on multiple occasions. I feel awful but I don’t want any of my family in my life. It’s a weird feeling to realize you’re completely alone in this world.
Sounds like my mother.
Yeah. It's hard to be completely alone in this world too ...
This is going to sound super cliche, but family are the people who are there for you. You don’t have to share blood with them, and just because you do share blood with a person doesn’t make them your family. If you have anyone in your life like that, keep them close and you won’t be alone. If you don’t, then work on things that enrich you and you’ll find yourself naturally gravitate towards people who may one day become that.
The 2 years i was alone where one of the best years in my life.
@@mojojojo560 it's not the same thing as your actual family who brought you into being.....
Narcisitic parents see their kids as their emotional babysiter or throphy and the parents are also verbaly abusive towards the child and overvalue the other sibiling. The kid absolutely despise the narci rageful mother. One of the things that parents dont realise is that kids eventually becomes adults and we are in the age of psycky consciouness. My mother was the exact same way I felt devastated for years expecting her to care about me but she expected me to mother her it was awful.
Same here.
@@joyful_tanya Then during and after therapy I realised I invested for years in narcisistic friends. How about you?
@@musicbrazilian7065oh My God me too
Yup my mother basically replaced me with my step-siblings then on her birthday got drunk and in front of everyone gave a big speech about her favorite son and favorite daughter and I've barely spoken to her since. Partly because I don't take phone calls from her after 7pm because she's probably drunk and angry about something, or done something to anger everyone and wants someone sympathetic to listen to her justify it. Almost certainly narcissistic personality disorder.
I didn’t know this phenomenon had a name, but your timing w this video helps me feel less lonely about the decision to be “free”.
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Hugs!
❤❤❤
AKA parent alienation too
At some point, you just accept the fact that you will never be treated with respect. Your boundaries mean nothing to a self absorbed parent. Last straw for me was when my aging mother wanted me to leave my job, home, and husband to move across the country and be her caretaker. She doesn't care that it would ruin my finances and my marriage. When I said no - she broke off contact... won't answer my calls anymore. For the record - I have been asking her for years to move closer to me so I can take care of her... but she always refused. She thinks it is my duty to "come home".
that is called a hospice care kid
That's what "parents" want from their "children". To be their retirement fund and caretaker. That's why they get wed and have kids.
Amazing video. My "last straw" was seeing them having the same kind of behavior with my nieces and nephews. It made me physically sick. It was like realizing that if they could treat those amazing kids like this, then maybe I was not born a failure. Maybe my parents were just fucked up. Some memories came back to the surface too.
They'd rather live in denial, never apologize, make all kind of excuses for third parties unacceptable behaviors and at the same time say it did not even happen ... And yet, even knowing this, I still feel the guilt of going no contact and have no desire to see them unhappy. Seeing how the denial/lack of responsability is so present in the "parent side" makes me feel less crazy.
Thanks a lot for all your work, and lots of love to people going through this. Some days it'll feel like loosing a limb, but it does get better ❤
Yes.
Failure to protect the child from abuse.
Yeah. That's the description that describes my unnamed anger. Those are the words I was looking for. Thank you.
Same here, among other things. It feels good to be able to understand these things a bit more clearly
Same mixed with other stuff
My parents were obnoxiously attractive and young sociopaths who only existed for self gratification. They made me VERY aware that I was not as cool a kid as my super sociopathic sister, and My dad often said that because I was not "great" with girls during high school that I MUST be gay, and I should just come out because he is a liberal dude and that would make him look like a hip dad....needless to say, I stopped talking to them after I was told I need to move out the day after high school graduation. I only JUST started talking to my mom the last 2 years, and although she is extremely apologetic, I 'm not spending holidays over there or anything, we don't even talk on birthdays. Also, I'm turning 46 in May, so it was a VERY long time I did not talk to any of my immediate family.
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Happy early birthday bro!! 🎉🎉
"just come out bc itll make me look cool" is wild. I would've believed you that it was a sketch from I Think You Should Leave
That’s awful, my father’s side of the family is like that. They’ve always been popular with people and because I’m an introvert and became anti-social due to bad experiences, they think I’m lazy or scared of life. I recently talked to them again after 8 years, that was a mistake, seems they’ll never change.
@@jokerpilled2535sorry to hear this pal. Hope you're doing better ❤
Six years of no contact and it saved my life... best thing ever! My husband and kids, our lil nuclear family are HAPPY 💖 There's nothing I want them to know. Traumatic childhood, my mom is NPD, they're all alcoholics and addicts. I need to protect myself and my children. Someone had to break the generational trauma.
So true, I went to rehab because of mine and all the bad people I manifested unconsciously due to the normalization of abusive treatment towards me. Now I seem to do better, my health is better. I want to work on choosing healthy friends and a husband.
“There is nothing I want them to know” THAT IS SO PROFOUND. My dad has trauma dumped to my brother and I since we were little kids. I don’t know why you’d want to expose your kid to something like that unless you’re trying to shame them into feeling ungrateful (aka what my dad did). The way you view it is NORMAL and it was almost a little healing to see you say that, because that’s how a true parent should feel.
Maybe why they don't have a relationship with their grandparents? It isn't trauma dumping, it is called being open and honest. Like say for example the parent was abused by a priest, there should be no shame in sharing. There is too much secrecy and shame and that helps, the abusers continue.
This hit home. There wasn’t one thing that my mother did, but a lot of emotional abuse over the years - yelling, anger, cruel words, every single time I trusted her. And then - loving words, overbearing kindness, acts of service,… but never acknowledgement, real apologies, and change - just another angry outburst the next time I was caught off guard. Nobody does this to me but my creator, how can I stay?
Omg yes! I found myself thinking that a lot "nobody else treats me like this"
"nobody else I know would talk like that, act like that, attack people like that, be unreasonable like that..."
And if they did, I'd distance myself from them too!
Dude same! It just gets to a point where you don't even believe their "kind" actions and words because they're always superficial.
Yes that is exactly my dad. I think he has no control of his own actions. But he is too prideful to see it.
*Children are mirrors. I always feel annoyed and put off contacting or doing things for my parents, but that's exactly how they treated me. I hate the rhetoric that we don't hang out with family anymore. If you knew the amount of disrespect you have to accept for sake of "family", you wouldn't stay either. Also, a lot of parents see their kids as accessories and become furious when their toy isn't acting "correct".*
This is so affirming and comforting. I have not talked to my biological father since 2008 and I honestly don’t miss him. He’s the reason why I am always skeptical whenever a parent tells me they’re estranged from their child and they don’t know why their child would stop speaking to them. Thank you for this video!
Im tired of everyone saying respect your parents. You dont understand how awful they were. We need to save ourselves.
My last straw was my father kicking my sister and her newborn out of the back apartment at his house after promising both of us that that wouldn't happen. This was after years of me trying to encourage a healthy and trusting relationship between us, since we're the only family we had where we were. His only reason was he wasn't "doing her any favors" letting her stay with him. She paid rent to him before thw time that she had her baby, by the way. I basically raised my sister during the worst of our parent's neglect, and seeing him treat her and that sweet baby so callously just broke me.
Parents who have been intentionally estranged by their children absolutely know what they've done. I've repeated myself over and over to my parents about my grievances with their abu$e since I was a young teenager and they'll go to the grave acting as if I up and dissappeared into thin air like it was a 60 Minutes episode. It's just more gaslighting on their end, and I hope anyone who's reading this and stays up at night asking themselves if there's a chance their parents really didn't understand what they did wrong, they'll read this and know that them pretending they don't get your tireless explanations is just another act of abu$e. They don't want to get better and nothing you do could make them anyway --they have to want to change on their own. I hope one day you stop letting yourself be tortured and you find peace.
denial isn't a river in egypt
What you said about the guilt and heartbreak the adult-child feels when going no contact is so true. For nearly a year I continually second guessed almost everything that ever happened in our relationship, wondering what I could have done differently and if I did the right thing. I tried to make our relationship work really all my life, and it was so heartbreaking to accept I had to go no contact for my own mental health. I realized I had been working relentlessly to please them my whole life, and nothing would ever be enough.
My parents do blame my husband for turning me against them I’m told by my siblings, but they don’t realize he pushed me to try with them for so long and hated to see things come to this as much as I did. The final straw was they insisted I lied to them (I didn’t) and after explaining the situation over and over for weeks, I told them I had explained enough, they had to choose to believe me or not but I couldn’t keep hashing this out every time I saw them. She said she wouldn’t believe me, so I walked away. She couldn’t even give me, her own daughter, the benefit of the doubt and chose to believe I was a malicious liar. She could never see me for who I really am.
My mother started physically assaulting me at the age of two. She traumatized me so badly, I still have memories from it.
She was verbally, psychologically and physically abusive. It got worse when she remarried and had new kids. And she would sabotage me often.
She would call into my workplace when I was a teen, and tell them I quit. And then she would scream at me for not having a job. I had no friends, I wasn’t allowed to have a personality or hobbies and interests. And my mother would constantly tell me I was lazy, blah, blah, blah.
She neglected me so badly, I only recently learned I have adhd, which explains a lot of issues I had as a kid. I also have been diagnosed with ptsd.
I cut her off over a decade ago, after she tried to convince me to divorce my husband because she didn’t like that we took his widowed father in.
I’m doing better now, getting help and the sweetest part is, that evil creature doesn’t even know she has a grandkid now, and she never will as she made that choice all the way back when I was two.
I do not feel guilt or remorse over cutting her off, and I had wanted to do it since I was a small child but couldn’t.
You are very brave iv had problems with my mother I remember her literally kicking me from one end of the room to the other end .I was 3yrs old.
I went no contact with “my dad” over ten years ago because he was a sexually abusive alcoholic. I lost everyone on his side of the family as well on account of their unconditional support of him. I can’t put into words the amount of pain and loneliness this has caused me. I was raised Catholic (although I’m no longer a believer) and i was terrified that my estrangement went against the commandment “honor thy father and mother that thy days may be long on the earth” and was convinced God would send me to hell because I didn’t forgive my father for what he did to me. So happy to be free now. Thank you for this video!
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If you ask me this commandment has been bastardized.
It means honor your parents by living a long life. .
Not honor your parents TO live a long life.
@@Couscous77 “honor thy father and mother” was repeated to us constantly growing up whenever we misbehaved or talked back. Interesting and fitting that it was interpreted in a way that most inspired fearful compliance.
Praying for you miss!🙏🏻 Jesus loves you and wants you to spend eternity in heaven, not hell.❤
Catholics have to stay virgin before marriage right?
As far as my personal experience, I tried for decades to communicate with my mother about things she did/continuing to do that were hurtful and not ok. We're not totally estranged, but I'm definitely low contact with her, and she to this day doesn't understand why we're not close like her friends are with their adult children. It's not because there was a lack of a communication, but because there was an unwillingness to listen on her part. I think a lot of parents whose kids don't talk to them feel like they don't HAVE to listen, then act surprised when the relationship implodes.
It wasn’t that my mom didn’t understand, it was that she didn’t care (sigh).
My grandmother not only doesn't listen, but when I've confronted her on the fact that she doesn't listen she denies it and continues not listening. She will never listen because then she would have to face her wrongs, which I could forgive if she admitted them, acknowledged them and apologized for them. Her unwieldiness to listen ironically is just a continuation of the same issues.
I'll repeat what so many others have already said about this video - spot on!
I'm 34 and was the Only Child of a Single Mother. I find this is something that isn't spoken about much. As it seems the majority of people seem to have siblings and usually another parent.
It's extra intense when it's only the 2 of you. I was everything to my Mum. Her Best friend, her partner, her parent. She had no friends or a partner.
I moved out at 22 and I've been completely no contact for 3 years. My life instantly became happier as soon as I cut her out of it.
YES!!! Thank you! This was my exact experience! Being an only child to a toxic mother is a different level of stress, isolation and abuse!
Same here! It's such a unique experience, especially when your parent had undiagnosed mental illness. My mom passed away, and it was such a difficult and complicated transition until I began to heal ❤.
This sounds like the situation my little sister is in (our parents got primary custody of one kid each during the divorce proceedings, and she was just a baby) and I want so badly to help her get out of that situation, but I also have my own life and massive overload of mental fuckery to deal with, which I am already constantly overwhelmed by, so I don't know how to even begin to do that. Mum acts like this to a T-- untreated mental illnesses, treating her daughter like her partner and best friend, not teaching her how to drive, not installing internet access at the house, not letting her go places alone, homeschooling her and then saying she'll help with college admissions processes and then never doing so...
Similar boat ❤ stay strong, "sis."
I’ve experienced this. I get it. I still struggle. Wishing you the best. ❤
It's exhausting how the extended familial backlash is coming to this very difficult decision. The collateral damage is compounding grief. Long after, still grieving, and finally arriving to a place where I can let go--with an opportunity to thrive. It's a painful journey, lonely & confusing. I am grateful to myself for doing the work to heal and recover from things that were never in my control. Addiction, abuse, neglect, cruelty, isolation, control, manipulation, silencing, being a child parent... No change, not betterment, no apology or admittance.
I honestly didn't really think about how I've gone low contact/gray rocking until this video. I've heard the terms before, and I think it's just kinda happened naturally. Not so much of a conscious effort to reduce contact/reduce information they receive about me from me, just has happened over the years. I talk to them less and less.
Me too! I remember my mom lecturing and yelling at me and I would scream my replies to her in my mind with the most blank look on my face I could manage because talking back would have got me smacked or made the yelling go on longer. She would never really hear me anyways. I never thought about that as greyrocking but I guess it kind of was.
Good for you. It’s the only way. I realized recently I learned how to grey rock when I was 7 years old bc I couldn’t tell my mom anything. So painful. Cheers
All new parents should watch this. I appreciate you covering this topic. Meaningful point about adult children not missing the parent they had but rather the parent they DIDN’T have / wished they could have had 😢 Tough topic
Distance myself from my narcissistic father who thinks he can't do any wrong . Plus he's been a deadbeat most of my childhood and was friends with my enemies . Plus he loves gaslighting and playing mind games , plus he's very hypocritical , uses favoritism , turns people against me etc .
toxic parents never accepted agency in their children, so they need to attibute it to a third party. They are non-persons for the toxic parents. Hence, needs, wants and boundaries of the child have no meaning and are totally dismissed. once you realize that you never had real parents, you distance yourself to protect yourself and hopefully start a healing process. Then , after many many years alone in the world with 0 support, the law comes back to force you to take care of the parents when they are old
not if you move to certain states fyi
I grew up in the system and facilities+group homes+foster care since I was 5 and my entire bio family punishes me through scapegoating and estrangement tactics for not being a part of the family now that I’m grown(30). I had to survive all alone through so much instability and fight tooth and nail just to get by and keep my head on straight. My family was bad enough I needed legal removal back then and I’m still the evil and unforgiving bad kid for not running back to their dysfunction with open arms. The guilt and shame of not being able to fix an entire family is a weight I don’t wish on anyone, especially not on kids who go through the same pressure in their adult years.
Edit: I should mention too that all I want is love and acceptance. I forgive easily and like you say, it’s a natural inclination to want to bond and have peace with parents. Part of that inclination has compounded my hurt realizing that isn’t something my family has ever offered.
"The guilt and shame of not being able to fix an entire family", I dont know why but the words put this way really stuck with me. Thanks
They tried to bring their "badness " to you to accept and you did not ! BRAVE ASF!!!!! It's easier to " go along to get along" especially when people are dragging you back into the same " game" Good on you for getting GOOD! Saty that way , you broke the cycle !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In another video, Dr. Ana rightfully pointed out the problems with some of the current rhetoric around narcissism these days. At the same time, however, a lot of the online resources on narcissistic parents literally saved my life. I had been in therapy my whole life, but that therapy was controlled and leveraged by my parents. Without the information and resources I found in online spaces, I would have never in a million years realized that my family system truly was toxic and was never going to listen or change. I miss having my parents and have compassion for the experiences that led them to be the people they are, but I also need to be OK.
I rarely tell people I fully cut contact with my parents because they often believe I made this decision rashly and immaturely.
Its a last resort.
My safety, my sanity, and even my life were in jeopardy. Even when I was suffering hospitalizations and failing health from neglect and abuse, I was making an active effort to repair the relationship, communicate how their words and actions made me feel, set healthy boundaries, show them how much I cared about them, etc. But telling your parents "i dont like when you do that because it makes me feel like you dont care about my wellbeing" doesnt matter when those feelings are accurate conclusions. When those behaviors are intentional.
I have NO family. No parents, no siblings, no aunts, uncles, or grandparents. They ALL sided with my abusers. This is not a life I wish on anyone. But I'm happier and safer alone and traumatized without support than I was in that environment.
ive had no choice but to slowly grey rock my parents. my mom is a narcissist and my dad is an enabler. when i came out as trans, my mom took it as a personal attack, like i was purposely sabotaging her idea of a perfect family.
i couldnt take it anymore. i moved out, transitioned, found love, happiness and a career. i see my parents maybe once a month now out of courtesy. sometimes even that is too much.
i graduated high school right before covid so my moving out plans had to be delayed. having to be at home with my mother day in and day out for months made me extremely suicidal. every single day i said "one more day closer".
im only 24 (moved out at 21 after covid delays) but i couldnt see myself being able to live like that for much longer. id rather be broke and happy than be forced to live under a roof where being myself and seeking happiness is the root of every single fight my mom purposely picks with me. it was torture.
One of my siblings came out as trans, and my mom said that they were ruining every memory she had of them. It's horrible, and I'm glad you made it out.
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@@xunqianbaidu6917parents like ours never understand that children arent just pet babies or mini-mes, like yes we are genetically identical but our personalities and life choices are completely independent from how we were raised. parents like these have kids expecting an obedient pet, not a real person with thoughts, emotions and choices.
Once a month is a lot. I‘d go crazy personally. Best of luck to you.
I am very low contact with my parents. One of the reasons I don’t think I am sociopathic is that I genuinely feel better not talking to my parents daily, or even weekly. But I was parentified and controlled with random rants and threats.
I recently did talk to my mom and showed her a craft I made. I didn’t tell her it was mine, and there were other people’s crafts as well. She called out the one I made as bad. The one that everyone around me said was cute. That I really liked because it turned out surprisingly good for the time limit and materials. Which proves she just genuinely dislikes the art I like and make, but it still hurts so badly. And that reminded me why I always hid myself from her.
Ehhh, I wouldn't take it that she just doesn't like it. It's possible that she's learned to recognize your style, perhaps even subconsciously, especially if she's in the habit of putting it down when she sees it. You're the one in the situation so you may have better insight ofc but just food for thought
@khunt5336 I was thinking that too. Don't underestimate how conniving, mean, toxic, and manipulative parents can be when they're determined to tear their child down. They know what your insecurities are because, many times, they're the ones who put them there
@@DarthFurie yep. My nParent once bragged to me about how I could not _possibly_ have my own personality because they had worked so hard to make sure I was empty inside. Before this point, I just figured it was an unintentional as a result of pure negligence and stupidity, but rather it was the product of cold, clean and calculated malice of an unmatched level of depravity.
@@khunt5336 I think mine did similar, could you please explain it to me? Like the process? feels like hollowing out, right?
Thank you for bringing up that parental self-reflection was absent - yes, lack of insight, accountability and rigid thinking. My Dad often blames my Mom for his estrangement from me - lol (again, "parental self-reflection was absent.") Remembering that there is a power differential when asking a child to take responsibility for their part in the relationship make it unreasonable - parents must carry the responsibility. Do NOT explain to anyone why you are going no contact - it is a waste of time: they are not listening and they don't care.
I almost laughed when she talked about the absent self-reflection. It’s so true. I’ve tried so hard to get my dad to reflect on himself, and it’s virtually impossible. It’s like asking a puppy to do calculus.
It’s ironic because my dad brought me up to be self-reflective. I’m very self-critical and self-reflective, in large part due to his influence. So he could teach it to me, but not do it himself!
When I become a parent, I will do my best to ensure I see things from my child’s point of view and reflect on how I could have been wrong.
I can only imagine what it would be like to have proper parents.
How different a person could I have been.
Same!
Unfortunately, this is something I've also been battling with for years, it's like I'm grieving for losing something I never had. When it comes to people who are like this, they will never be able to hold themselves accountable, no matter how much you or I may want it, or communicate it. Either way, I'm worth more than to be treated that way, all of us are, and we deserve genuine, loving relationships.
I have described it as “grieving the parental love I needed and deserved and will never experience”. The one plus is that adult children who have lifelong close, loving relationships with their parent(s) are absolutely CRUSHED by their inevitable declines and deaths. Whereas those of us who have only received pain and stress from them can go on the same as, or even more easily than, before. 🫤
I really liked the hot potato analogy and explanation. A lot about my parents' behavior makes sense to me now. Fear truly is the mind killer.
Effects: intense relief and peace
Baring addiction on the child’s part or sever mental illness, an adult child cutting off their parents, it’s their parents fault 9.5 times out of 10
My mom would say I have severe mental illness but she actually had Munchausen by Proxy and made me believe I was very ill starting at 8 years old. The whole time I thought I was crazy but it was always her. It was amazing when I figured it all out, an epiphany.
I’ve seen adult sons treat their parents pretty awfully, but I don’t have enough life experience to say one way or the other.
Missing the point. It's not about finding who is at fault but who is willing to acknowledge their mistakes.
@@sonicleaves Some even do Munchausen by Proxy through emotional abuse/neglect, and not just physically making the child sick.
This is so spot on. I never thought I'd hear something that describes my family dynamic so succinctly.
Same. It really helps with processing it to hear that someone else can understand it so incredibly
For me it's easy to understand it by answering this question: why would a member of a family disengage of the protection of their family?
And the answer is: because the family doesn't provide that protection and provides danger instead.
Many have left their families due to false twisted, unfounded accusations that made us fear them.
Truth
I’m no contact with my dad due to SA.
My mom doesn’t know about the abuse and she always tells me I should forgive him for being physically abusive to her, to us, being an alcoholic. He was/is a POS.
I get so annoyed at my mom when she tried to talk to me about him. I barely forgave her for the things she put me through.
I did have an abusive mother but I feel that my reasonings for going no contact with her are less extreme than most as my abuse was leaning more towards emotional abuse, manipulation, and negligence rather than physical/sexual abuse.
Also, I was very fortunate that I did have a support network that did help me get through it after I cut contact. Hence why I feel a bit conflicted posting this because some may argue that I haven't suffered at all especially if I was able to get out my environment much earlier.
So all I can say is that my heart goes out to those who have suffered worse paternal abuse than mine and have even less support to get them out of their toxic environment.
I've seen variations of this comment in so many different places before. You really should cut yourself some slack and celebrate your wins. There is a post somewhere that I read once, which stated that an abuser often does all that it takes to get the reaction of fear from a child, whether that's a harsh word or a beating. It's the fear they want. It's the fear that gives them their power. So if they can get away with the harsh word and the never quite realised violence behind it... or if they can get away with neglect... then that's what they'll do.
You're almost apologising for having had a support network. Please don't do that. I'm glad you got out young and that you had people you could count on to reflect yourself back to you truly. I didn't have that and I didn't get out until I was in my forties. It makes me feel better than some of us made it early.
Best wishes to you in your healing, stranger :)
my mom was mostly emotionally abusive and ill be honest, the things she has said to me echo in my mind more than any physical pain she has ever inflicted on me. oftentimes the words hurt way more. never feel like your pain "wasnt extreme enough" for you to leave. if leaving has helped you heal and thrive then it was the right choice.
This isn’t the suffering Olympics. Being estranged from one or both parents is terribly painful, no matter the context. ❤️🩹
On top of what the others answered, you should also consider that the lines between physical and emotional abuse are a lot more blurry than people like to believe. Often the worst part of being physically abused are the feelings of humiliation, helplessness and worthlessness that accompany it, and on the other side being constantly under stress from emotional abuse has real, long term effects on physical health. Neglect might also lead to, for example, bad eating habits or hygiene, which in turn impacts health.
People who were abused often struggle with holding their own needs and feelings valid. Your reasons for cutting contact are enough. You don't have to compare yourself to others to make decisions for your life.
Though truth be told, these are things I still struggle with myself sometimes.
@@paperbird9817 so true, and well put
"Grieving a parent they never had" strikes a chord - 16 years on it's hard to remember why things were *that* bad in the absence of obvious abuse, but the fact there's just a lack of any positive memories at all is telling.
My mother resented me the moment i was born, and gosh she made it known to me. but i wasn't able to go no contact until my mid 30's due to having younger siblings still living with her and wanting to see them. but once my youngest sibling ended up in residential care there was no reason for me to put up with my mother anymore.
Mine started to resent me when I developed my own opinions which was when I was around 20yo. Yeah and since I had my "puberty" so late I'm pretty much retarded according to anyone who knows me from work.
They’re not confused, they’re just in denial.
Let them stew in their own ‘confusion’. You know what happened to you, and it’s not your fault. 💙
some people are bad and awful. then they have kids. then they subject their kids to a bad and awful life. then they're shocked that their kids don't want to connect or even be near them when they grow up and actually have the ability to leave (money, car, etc.) like what is difficult to understand about that? if you treat your kids with respect and not abuse/neglect them, chances are they will like you and not find your very existence to be insufferable and repulsive. (when i have to contact my parents i feel like puking)
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Hey parents, it's your fault. Hey kids, dont become your parents.
My kids and I went no-contact with "grandma" because we collectively figured that if she hadn't decided to stop abusing us by the time she'd turned seventy, she probably wasn't going to, and we are so much happier without her spite, gaslighting, and whiteanting in our lives.
"I am happier without this person in my life" is all the reson you need.
It took me 30+ years to go no-contact with my parents. My mother was--and still is--abusive and emotionally immature. She made me the scapegoat of the family. I've radically accepted that I will never have a loving, supportive mother who wants to get to know me, just a competitive older sister who thinks she's better than me. And my father sides with my mother instead of protecting his children.... This was a hard decision to make, and it still hurts to see my siblings get together with my parents, on social media.
From 11-18 we lived in a house without water, electricity, heat, and food. My mom sunk into a deep depression and my addiction began. She gas lights, guilt trips, and she always is the victim (always in need of help 24/7-365), and she has the mentality of a 17 year old. I recently went no contact, and I was the least favorite child. It took me 29 years of being in that dysfunctional relationship to realize that it’ll never improve and it will be like that forever. I am also wealthy now and monetary manipulation adds another avenue for her to guilt me over.
If my mom wasn’t my mom- I would’ve went no contact at 14 years old.
This all completely matches my own experience. The reasons, the long careful deliberation, the need for self-preservation. I’d forgive them, after all these years of being mistreated, if they change today and show me love. But that’s not going to happen, sadly, which is why I left.
The line about becoming mute or crying to collapse after an interaction really hit home. I couldn't stand to let anyone tip me into that kind of spiral, and since estrangement, it rarely happens. It's truly the best thing I did for myself, not giving them that power over me.
I was always made to feel ashamed of being myself. I wasn't a weirdo or anything, it was just my family's preferred form of abuse. I was made to feel as if everything I did was wrong and hurtful to them.
Thank you so much for this video! When parents say they don't understand why they have been cut off, they are ironically validating the child's claim that they lack empathy and understanding. It's unfortunate when third parties fail to see this and choose to believe the narrative that the child is cruel and unempathetic. I am incredibly lucky to have family members who believe and support me as I navigate my estrangement from my abusive immediate family. Making the decision to cut contact is so difficult for so many reasons. Realizing that there is not, and never has been, hope to be treated as a person with feelings by the people who are supposed to love you the most, is the deepest pain I have ever had to confront. Emotional estrangement only intensified my feelings of emptiness because our relationship was never reciprocal, I finally saw that we had nothing when I pulled back on supporting her in her misery. We were 'close' because I was her therapist and our bond was contingent on how much I consoled her. I didn't know parents were supposed to actively support their kids and so I never expected anything in return (that would be selfish of me /s). When I write out or say that "my parents never saw me for who I am", I still feel like I'm being whiny but I know it's so much more than that. It is dehumanizing. They abused me, my brother abused me, they mocked me if I asked for support, and called me bitter and ungrateful if I didn't forget about it like they did. Estrangement is crushing, more than words can describe, but it is an act of love and protection that is long overdue. So when they say they don't understand why, it only proves that I made the right choice.
💚💙💜❤🧡💛
I know someone that cut their parents off completely. Best decision of their lives, even if it was difficult and painful, remains painful. But it's less painful than continuing that relationship. They would cry and be depressed for a few days every time they had contact with them. The gaslighting and passive attacks from the parents was really bad for their child's mental health.
Spot on. And as far as introspection or willingness to accept responsibility, a parent incapable of loving a child is incapable of associated empathy to understand how the parent’s lies, physical abuse and undermining their own child is damaging and infuriating. My mother is literally a MONSTER. And I’m the bad daughter. And the family has NO idea my mother’s true character because I’ve protected her. It’s disgusting. 🤢
STOP PROTECTING HER.
I just came to say ... why are you still protecting her?
But also I feel you!
@@wendyfrederick5965 just spoke with my therapist yesterday. The truth is I’m trying to save face w extended family. I just decided yesterday to trash that whole idea. No more!
just tell them
@@rtt3166 I felt better after just being blunt with people.
I had so much abuse from the "woman" who called herself my "mother" I left town and moved to the city to get away from her.
I moved to Australia 😂
@@1Jason 🤣
This one hit hard. I’ve gone almost no contact with both my parents. This felt very validating. Thank you.
Very important point which is estrangement isn't about the past, the bad childhood treatment, it's really about the present and the ongoing abuse and manipulation in the present. Often people will say, "But can't you just get over your childhood you are a grown adult!" I've heard this so many times I can't count them all. And it is exactly what my parental abuser lived for, that magical day when I turned 18 and they could no longer be "blamed" as I was fully responsible for myself! That magical number when society stopped holding them accountable for my childhood. But I am here to tell you that the abuse, manipulation and gaslighting by a personality disordered parent does NOT end with childhood. Oh no no no no no. Nope. They continue on with this and it gets worse in a sense as the parent ages.
In Singapore, going no contact is possible but parents can sue and get the kids to give them monthly allowance according to the law. I wish there are laws that protect adult children too. 🙃
wow! good old Singapore. I visited once, and I got a whistle blowed at me for drinking water on the subway platform, and a girl had her photo posted on the laundry room like a "wanted" criminal because she used the change machine and didn't do the laundry afterwards.
I just read up in 2023, there is are some measures put in place for parents with history of abuse. But proving it is tough without evidence.
Same here in Italy
Sounds like a reason to leave Singapore.
crazy country laws you have there
Fundamentally you end contact because it is mostly painful and you lose hope that it will get better.
I had to cut off my adult son last year. I've repeatedly offered to go to therapy, mediation, and/or counseling with him. But he refuses. Our conversations (usually by text) end with him calling me a c*nt. I decided I won't tolerate that type of abuse from him (or anyone) anymore. So I went no contact and honestly it is such a relief to not have to deal with that behavior anymore!.
2 of my siblings went no contact with our mother and we are all better off for it and it definitely shows. Nearly everyone on my mom’s side disowned my siblings and I. Going through this was hard but definitely not as hard as the actual abuse. It is sooo worth it! If anyone out here is being abused and feeling guilt or shame about no contact, it definitely gets better once you leave! Build your own support network with fictive kin and other exiled family members instead :) my sisters and I have 0 regrets.
my older sister was the abuser, and I have a huge amount of resentment towards my parents for never protecting me, watching it happen. and just sitting there not doing anything
I have been estranged for over a decade and my bio dad showed up in a podcast where he ended up mentioning why he thinks I don't talk to him. He seems to have fabricated an event in his mind that I have substantial photographic evidence to prove was impossible to have happened (me being out of country that year), also supposedly happened well after I actually estranged myself, and he believes it's that singular event that caused it. The lack of a sense of it being more than one singular event causing the estrangement is absolutely true.
This applies to all my relationships... after I've given the "benefit of the doubt" countless times, realize I can't change anyone, I'm done!
Yes, all of the above, that's why I quit talking to my mother and everyone on her side of the fam. What a bunch of toxic people, it shows that one bad apple will spoil the whole barrel after time, it's best to get out of that barrel completely!
Spot on.
Hits home.
I feel this.
(Adult [36] who has estranged a parent)
It's not about who they were and what they did when I was younger but rather repeated behaviors, demonstration that they haven't changed and cannot ever accept responsibility and fault.
No self-accountability.
The narcissism that they will Always be right in every situation and I will only ever have the mind of a child.
Too many projections and emotional hot potato.
I did it to preserve my peace.
I will be put down no longer.
Whenever I hear someone is estranged from their parent, I've always assumed it was the parent's fault for being an ass. Likewise, when it's a sibling estrangement, I always assume it's the older sibling's fault. I think for me it's the unequal power dynamic ... "estrangement is a process and not an event." It's a long, long. long process and the child or the younger sibling never had the power to fix it.