7 Keys For Overcoming A Narcissist's Betrayal
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ค. 2024
- If you have had a long term relationship with a narcissist, there is a high probability that you will feel betrayed. Narcissists do not prioritize trust, but they are quite willing to manipulate people, and that's not a good combination. Dr. Les Carter will explore the matter of betrayal, pointing you toward ways of managing the resulting strain.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his TH-cam channel, his videos have received more than 115 million views.
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The most harmful in a relationship is betrayal. As a child, when you need someone, who genuinly cares about you and all you get is unsafety and confusion because of ongoing betrayal, you will internalize that this world is not a safe place.
❤️🩹 I sure did & it just let me in for unsafe masked men
this world, is not, a safe place... 🧐
Try the crappy Childhood Fairy and good luck.
I understand🤲
For me, people were not safe.
the biggest lie the narcissist will ever tell you is that "i care about you."
actions speak louder than words, but patterns (of toxic behaviors) scream the loudest.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
You are quite welcome
Yes, like your dad routinely standing you up for holidays, sports games, college graduation, etc, explaining over the phone that "something came up.....I love you!". 🤮🤮🤮
You nailed it! A narcissist simply doesn’t care about others & not even enough to heal from within ❤️🩹 it’s a lost cause when someone, parent or partner, won’t accept that healing is an inside job. In the end, when they don’t want to look in the mirror, they stopped caring about themselves
@SurvivingNarcissism a friendly 🇨🇦 canadian hello to you Dr. C in texas. 🇺🇲
your canadian fam really appreciates your hard work with the TH-cam videos!
-cheers, steven
So…like everyone on earth has a serious personality disorder right now…I don’t know what to do with that…
I never used to realise that withholding the truth is actually telling a lie. But, it certainly is!!!
Lie by omission. A big part of a narcs MO
ABSOLUTELY !
@@BaraSchmidt The narc: "I didn't think it was important. Why are you attacking me? I'm only trying to help." 👿
@@dakoderii4221 Thank you! I needed that laugh! Too bad I was drinking coffee at the time! ☕ 😂 💦
Betrayal has so many different faces: gaslighting, triangulation, lie by omission, stonewalling, keeping secrets etc.
Gaslighting is the ultimate form of betrayal. The long term effect is that you are doubting your own reality, which can cause a lot of internal damage.
Absolutely 👍
Oh, yes.
Projective identification used as your ultimate denial to prop up their omnipotence. It is insidious and treacherous to the core.
Try the Crappy Childhood Fairy and good luck.
Yes i agree!
@@roxymovie3938 In my opinion, gaslighting IS the WORST thing they do to us!
Narcissists who've dogged you long enough love setting you up in public to weaponize your frustration and anger.
@@kristinmeyer489 spot on and so true.... so true....
I deserved kindness and Respect. I also deserved Love.
Indeed you do
Great thing to say!! We need to know that because they are so good at justifying their bad behaviour and making out it is because we deserve it. Thank you!! You’re right!! And let’s have that now in our relationships in the future, let’s have boundaries from the get go like Dr C said. That is great advice I wish I had known that all those years ago.
Amen! ❤
❤
@@SurvivingNarcissism❤
"If someone is not listening to you, stop talking to them." - Jordan Peterson
Also: JBP
“Sometimes, We need to “START A FIRE” in Order to KEEP The House From Burning Down.”
~ And ~
“To be Naive is akin to being a Domesticated House Cat!”
And J.B.P. goes on to Explain… When someone is Naive, they can’t make Moral Decisions.
So, the Children of the Narcissists, being Innocent & Naive… LIED To fm the time they are Babies… Are Not Accountable for their Impending False Beliefs!
🙏🏻Love J.B.P. ☀️🕊🍃
Yup, doesnt work as you intended.
You lose your energy + Everyone just starts to think you are a nag.
I was in a toxic relationship with a narcissistic person. He betrayed me big time after an event happened. At that time, I did not understand narcissism but looking back I was foolish for staying. He isolated me and threatened me not to say a word. I reacted so much out of fear. One day I had it and I told someone I could trust. That’s when the narcissist told me I was disloyal for running my mouth. It’s sick how these people can mess with your head.
Thank you Dr. C for making these videos.
I had the exact same experience. I’m sorry you experienced this. ❤
I believed I was not any good for many years. I lost me.
I can relate to that ❣️
Yup, been there. I am lucky to be losing my hearing. So it makes others have to repeat themselves it frustrates the narcissist, and unveils who they actually are. NPD's hate imperfection.
@@arsenelupiniii8040 Or ANY form of disability!
23 yrs married, gone 10 months, I found his journals outlined his intentional abuse over decades. BETRAYAL. Every I love you was I USE YOU
I also found a plan to trap his former wife before they married, including plotted dates (he was married at that time) so I am sure that it’s not just intentional but well thought out patterns of behavior. He tried to push the former wife down the stairs when she was trying to leave him! I used her lesson to escape then but he’s gone on to ensnare other victims one after another. This person was the longest tenured university professor @ his place of employment & also presented papers with Nobel prize winners @ conferences 🤦♀️ he truly needs to be jailed for his relationship crimes but I think the only justice he’ll ever receive is on the other side of life when he’s got to judge himself through the eyes of his victims
I got two of my date planner journals and used my own words against me and he made them sound like he came up with them.
@caroleminke6116 I was vetted on the internet in 1998 (yeah, early adopter of social media) at a Christian discussion board- while he was married, in another state. Recently learned she was left in bankruptcy like me. He had someone new lined up. Yes, it is absolutely *criminal*. And I too know judgement will be exacted, but not by me. Actually the introject of me will haunt him, because I am an awesome Sigma Empathic Healer and he effed it up, will never feel my energetic supply again. No matter how many distractions, I will always be in his illusion. Thank you for sharing your experience.
@Meowminx Might be the worst form of gaslighting. So many betrayals, God help us all to recover and thrive again.
👀 Seriously, planners?
Recently found a rant sheet, as he called it from the time period in which he really changed. It was all crumpled. I just thought he wanted me to find this to explain some behavior but it's been almost 15 years or so.
Let us sign up for the club of decency, respect, ciivility, honesty, trustworthiness, love, care and honour! Narcisists have nothing to do with those qualities. Let’s stay far away from evil. Thank you dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤
I’m there with you!! That is what I think every day now. I want to be safe moving forward. Let’s only be around safe people and set those boundaries from the get go like Dr C said.
When you finally recognize that the one(s) you loved and trusted the most, have constantly betrayed you, you might be overwhelmed with all sorts of different kind of emotions: shocked, distressed, lost, pained, dumpish, dolorous, angry, resentful etc.etc.etc.
It makes you go back and have to reframe everything from your childhood, it’s exhausting.
Yup ❤️🩹
I urge you to sit down and a quiet private place and talk with our Father God about it. He helped me heal so quickly. He is our best friend, our comforter, our healer, the lover of our souls
Your descriptive words really place the labels..makes my heart sad but gave me a giggle. Thank you!
Yes it’s very hard to get your head around. When I look at the big picture of the world overall I can see this is on the fabric of our system and it needs to change at a very deep level.
That’s what I just can’t get over, the betrayal. Looking back, seeing he was planning my discard for months, all the while pretending he loved me. They are truly evil.
I went through a very similar experience. I am so sorry you went through that, and I hope your circumstances are so much better and you are now thriving 🙏.
I do believe it's demonic because the Bible clearly states that satan comes only to steal, kill and destroy
Yeah it’s the toughest thing to heal from! Not sure I can ever be healed from this dastardly betrayal of so many! After a few of these over years I am just caved 😩😢
The betrayal for me started from the day I said "I DO" Turns out he only wanted me to do whatever suited him.
I have found that all cluster B's will find a "partner" who has property, or will inherit material stuff. My ex's Dad was that guy, he was also a social worker for 30 years. So yeah, cunning is putting it lightly.
My mother is a diagnosed narcissist and has hurt me my whole life but 4years ago in August was the major betrayal. I tried to speak to her about what she did but she doesn't hear anything that doesn't suit her. She tells me that i can't let anything go. Basically saying its my problem but the betrayal is ongoing. We have been on and off since then and right now we are off. She has an army of enablers too. Ive been watching you for awhile and wanted to let you know that your videos help ❤
I was Too Trusting and had Unrealistic Expectations.........Silly me. I finally learned!
You are NOT silly for believing someone has your back, but don't let your back bone be a wishbone.
The worst part for me was being made to think that my partner was my best friend. He constantly told me he had my back. and appeared to be protective of me . How wrong I was . 8 years of my life love and loyalty for nothing. 💯 betrayed
Can we say unfaithfulness is one many forms of betrayal?
A big one!
Betrayal is the ruination of any relationship. You can be betrayed by anyone.
I learned that being a good friend is to take a secret to the grave, and a bad
friend is the one who uses their inebriation to spill the secret and ultimately ruin
whatever confidence you have. I will definitely take my own secrets to the grave.
Stay aware that the narcissist always acts on his/her psychological programming dictated by the disorder. Have a plan B to feel safe, journal and by all means keep your own bank account, mode of transportation, support system.
YES, They will steal everything and cause you to lose everything you worked for. Extreme Grief and Loss.
Trusted the wrong person. A Liar and Cheat.
You are so right.
Amen to your own bank account! On the way out the door, my ex-husband drained our savings account, our bank account, my retirement account, etc.
He had even bought a house in another town I didn’t know about.
I can't believe that psychological programming is dictated by a disorder. Actions and words can be 'dictated' by the evil purposes of the devil Himself!
Spot on 👍
Favoured manipulation technique of my mother has always been triangulation. When she began telling my daughter that I am a bad person, she began harming my daughter. She even sometimes told her, "In fact I am your mother!" - Unbelievable!!!
My mom answered when others call for me. My oldest grandson worried about his 'bad grandma'when they visited once (and he was very little), which he did not identify as me fortunately.
Crazy! They have possessiveness baked in. My grandmother thought she owned my brother as well. Put him against my mother for years, it was so terrible. I feel you Roxy. Sending much love to you.
Overcoming a narc’s betrayal, accept that their actions mean nothing. In the end, we’re all alone, and nothing truly matters. Embrace the void, for it’s the only reality.
Smoke & mirrors! Poof! Nothing there but a kind of optical illusion
When you experienced betrayal from your first caregivers or over decades during an intimate relationship, your brain changes in the regions of the limbic (emotional response center) and the hippocampal (memory data bank).
Unfortunately you’re tight about this ❤️🩹 our prefrontal cortex gets overridden time & again by our limbic brain when presented with cognitive dissonance & adults give way to inner children who are wounded beyond belief
It is getting very difficult at home. When you get therapy, group support, build strength and confidence, you no longer fit the parents sick need for control and inflicting pain/stress, etc. They hit harder, I remain stabilized harder. I am actively working towards moving out. They found out, theres a delay, so their antics are WORSE. The entire family is now suffering because I am now a VICTOR, no longer a victim. Of course these conditions are NOT SUSTAINABLE forever. I hope we all get out soon.
So do I. Stay strong 💪 ❤️🫂🙏
I suffered outrageous Emotional Distress and Traumatized etc.
Me too.
It sounds like your trauma and abuse was so bad, that you can't even talk about it. I feel for you. I love you both. 😞🙏💔💔
You are much valued, Dr. C. ❤
Thank you
Betrayal isn't always someone cheating on you I found. It's also evident in other daily transactions. A big betrayal for me was my ex narc's pretending to be amiable, flexible, nice, etc., but then turning out to be anything but. I felt used like a prop to make his life comfy all the while mine was circling the drain.
For me I found the most unsettling to be smear campaigns. All those lies from within your inner circle. Like schoolyard bullies. There was infidelity too, but having your character and veracity attacked hurt differently. Infidelity is their short coming and character flaw. But some do buy into their BS train.
Exactly
@@BaraSchmidt i certainly hear you on the smear campaigns.
Its a pattern with narcs who get frustrated when you no (longer) play ball & continue to be used. They decide you need punishement
It is galling beyond belief.
@@BaraSchmidt , You said that right sister. 🎯
@@angelanicoletti3330 🧡
🎼🎵🎶 "There's too much confusion. I can't get no relief" when going through a betrayal trauma. 😮💨
Ah, Jiminy Hendrix sang about it.
So far, you've survived 100% of your very worst days. Keep going to brighter days! I've been there, too. I wish you strength, support, real love and healing🕊💟🙏
I keep on finding out secrets my husband and his family have kept.
Same here sherry so much deceit
.... that's even more of a terrible situation when they pull their family and "friends" into the dysfunction....
I used to be envious of people that have family. I guess being alone for half a century is paying off.
Thank you for being there, Dr C
🫂
Here's how stupid a narcissist (s) in a estate settlement, or a business , Narcs., are so focused in embezzling, backstabbing you or everyone else, they backstab, steal from themselves, the whole boat sinks, don't ever let them dominate boss or deal the cards they are just too stupid, everybody loses, makes no sense all unnecessary, heartbreaking.
Everybody loses is the name of satan's theft game. Had to learn that the hard way, as most here probably have also. I say most because there's usually the pretenders in the crowd trying to wreak further havoc. Souls going to hell with him is his goal all along. When you see it from his perspective, it makes complete sense and shows just how smart he is. Particularly in making people think he and his don't exist though they wreak havoc in plain sight.
Knowing that theft is what the devil is about, one has to assume, from the ceos on down in a company that that is what is going on, whether all employed have knowledge of it or not. But I guess that's what happens with no discrimination/equal opportunity hiring practices. The god of this world (see 2 Cor 4:4) determines to have his way in the world, no matter how mind boggling to the rest of us. But God's word also mentions in 1 Pet 3:6 the importance for Godly wives to not be afraid with any amazement (see v1-7 for context on that). (Just trying to temper the mind boggling part with that). See also Rev 12 for more information of satan in the world. And 1 Cor 10:9,10 also mentions people being destroyed of serpents and of the destroyer. See also Rev 13 and 2 Cor 4 for further context.
The question that I would like to see answered by the church, and see soberly considered by Christians, is why "the church" seems to no longer see casting out the evil spirits as part of their ministry. Instead it seems that they have been more engaged in casting out of their "churches" the saints of God who have tried to correct them and hold them accountable. I guess a "church" that has become so compromised while so doing is no longer qualified for such activity. And yet they dare to call us back into their "churches". Judgment begins at the house of God. They've set themselves up for that, no doubts. We who are truly Christians are called to come out from among the world and be separate. These days, that may include "the church" which mostly seem to be wolves in sheep's clothing, both behind and in front of the disappearing pulpits. And when I say church, I definitely don't mean idolatrous Catholicism. satan cannot cast out satan, let's remember.
To those who have kept themselves holy and pure, let's be busy with the whole ministry of the Lord. Let us send the devil and his crowd packing as we pray and fast and prepare ourselves for such work. Let the rest repent, as the kingdom of heaven has, once again, come near you.❤
It is about me being honest with myself and not justifying their betrayal..
This has been one of the BEST EVER videos I have heard illustrating the damage a Covert Narcissist can inflict after a marriage of 37 years. Catastrophic and resulting in PTSD. However one can make sense over time and heal over time. Thank you Dr Carter.
Glad it resonated!
Defrauded. You get it.
Journal your thoughts every day! Write about your anger, betrayal, anxiety, frustration, feeling used, gaslighted, bread crumbing, etc.
I can't stand journaling. I don't want to write it and I don't want to read it and I sure wouldn't want anybody else to find it and read it. No thanks
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 Rather than having him rent space in my head all day every day, if I write or leave messages on my voicemail or whatever, I can lay it down and walk away from it and read, go out, cook, walk, workout, call friends.
As the months go by, I can read or listen to my thoughts back then and pat myself for taking the time to learn and understand what happened with my life.
To each his/her own, but I feel I am blossoming again and am more confident.
I couldn’t care less if Anyone ever reads or listens to any of it. Like a diary, this is my life, journey and survival.
Good Luck! 🍀
Journaling or voice mailing myself are ways to get everything out of my head, so I can walk away and do wonderful things without letting him rent space in my head for free all day every day!
I will read, listen to my favorite music, work in my garden, hang out with friends, continue with remodeling my condo, pray, take nature walks, hang out with kids, grands, greats and sibs.
When I turn my phone off, come back later and read what I wrote and said, I pat myself on the back for overcoming probably the greatest obstacle I have ever had to confront!
Out of sight out of mind until the betrayal stops hurting and I begin fighting for my personal survival.
I couldn’t care less if someone reads my journal/personal diary. It was my life, my personal journey and perhaps other people can learn to heal in a lot less time than it took me…🥲
@@t_nels Please read my most recent reply regarding this. Thanks! Lisa
I love Dr. Carter's videos. So insightful and helpful. Thank you, Dr. Carter ❤
Glad you like them!
DR. CARTER NICE TO SEE YOU IN GOOD HEALTH, HAVE A NICE WEEKEND.
If I would have had a father, I would have liked it very much to be him.
- a man’s enemies are the members of his own household.” (Micah 7:6)
I've been the family scapegoat all my life. I'm 70 years old now and have been suicidal off and on for most of my life. My younger brother was the only boy and was adored. He was sensitive. He killed himself a few years ago. My older sister was the entitled, Golden Child, who developed into a Covert Narcissist.
My family is full of liars, phonies, hypocrites, and narcissists. My mother used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
My family wonders why I don't talk to them, or want to be around them. They always tell me, "You're so sensitive!", or "Why do you hide?", or when I do speak, they shun me, and ignore me. Sheesh....They put the "FUN" back in DysFUNctional!
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight
And every day with a narcissist is same crap, different day.
William Blake, Auguries of Innocence….brings back memories of my student days…guessed it right away…thank you.
I was guilty of being too hopeful. Yes, and thank you, Dr. C.
I was just watching a youtube video on Ali MacGraw and Steve McQueen. At 85, Ali MacGraw shared how Steve McQueen was so abusive. He was a narcissist.......even in the 1970's. She's still beautiful at 85. So happy she found self love and a purpose after her divorce.
Steve McQueen is charismatic, but all ice... no warmth
Defin no fun for anyone who would be looking to have a personal relation with him - works well on a movie screen, less so in real life
You say that like you're amazed that narcissism existed in the 1970s. I was born in 1953 and I can tell you for sure that my male parent was a narcissist. I just never heard the word until this year.
When Gus got up and sat down again...
I swear I heard him say
'Don't be concerned,
my loving master...
I have your back'
You have excellent hearing!
@@SurvivingNarcissism
I am a Londoner
That can hear a doggies voice
Thru the noise
Of the horseshoes
Tramping along The Mall...
@@user-jw3vy3kf5f , Do you have any idea of what is causing the military horses to start running out of control? Are there a lot of construction loud noises going on in London?
I’m going through agony going through a breakup with a partner with narcissistic bend and am finding these talks and comments very helpful.
Keep learning!
All I want is at least one honest supportive individual in my life, but I feel like I'm too damaged now, or maybe everyone else is, too, to even be granted that. It's devastating and lonely. For years I've ricocheted between my abusive family of origin and my abusive ex, without much left to call my own now. It feels like they wanted to see my demise while at the same time shaming me for struggling. It's literally like someone encouraging you to end your own life. I suppose to see me ultimately perish would be the greatest power trip for them all as they could then say anything they wish about me and use it as the proof that I was the damaged one. I've used addictions for the loneliness but I just really want at least one honest supportive individual in the flesh. We've become so disconnected and isolated, this is a global tragedy.
It is amazing how much I have fought for the status quo.
We can thank G-od for Dr. Les and some others for the psycholigical help we are given, it works with spiritual healing, together, what a difference he makes in peoples healing. Many thanks Dr C.
Australia
It felt like being stabbed in the heart but you don’t die. Personality matters. When I was twelve, I had a teacher whom said, ‘have you heard it said, sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you’. She said that that saying was wrong and what people say can hurt you, cause grief and pain. She said that to the class and they didn’t take heed. One day she didn’t turn up for school, this lovely and very pleasant young lady, because she attempted suicide. It was a physical feature my classmates made fun of. She had someone in her family whom was a sporting hero and she was proud of that and I had my own hero in my father.
Those children were too young to be responsible, but the narcissist is the worst at being responsible for their personality.
Thanks for sharing this poignant illustration, Ross. I really like how you think.
I had come to believe that expectations were a bad thing and that I was always wrong when my expectations weren't met. So, I gradually lowered my expectations to nothing, that way I am never disappointed. I wasn't aware that hope and intention were connected to my heart, a heart that can't be broken again, but a heart connected still to it all.
Well said. I thought that my heart could not be broken again, but my own family proved that it was possible.
They do a U-turn, the moment they get private info. You wonder whom you're even talking to. It feels as if they've invited another person to the conversation, yet it's them. Full of contempt.
I felt that hatred only once as young when confronted by a violent stranger. Only he never pretended to like me in the first place.
Yup I’m guilty of being super honest super loyal and super trustworthy. I now know those are some of the main reasons for why I remained in a relationship with a covert narcissist for over three decades. The duping is on him. He owns that. I hope to be sentenced to a future spent with people who are guilty of the same things for which I am guilty.
@@t_nels well said I forgot to mention i can sometimes be guilty of being too stubborn for my own good.
@@ginkgo2021 I can not unhear what was said to me in witty jest. It was pivotal, there is no getting by this. He tried to play it off, excuse, explain, get me to go with him. He wants to know what I'm doing. I'm not playing!
@@ginkgo2021 Yeah, things are going to be getting a bit heated or chilly here. Whichever way you want to look at it, kind of like the weather.
Having boundaries from the get go like Dr C said is so important. I wish I had known to do that at the start of relationships all those years ago, that would have saved me so much pain.
I want to thank you Dr C. You have given me such insight into the harmful relationship I had with my ex-husband of 15 years. He has proven to be just like his narcissistic father. I am so thankful to be out of that situation and looking towards the future. One of dignity, respect and civility, as you have always said. Thank you again for showing us all that there’s hope and strength in knowing and respecting oneself.
Thank you, Dr. C! You have helped me and hundreds of others! We appreciate you and your wisdom ❤
You are so welcome
It doesn’t matter what a car looks like or what curves it has when it has electrical problems doesn’t start and it’s always in the shop you get rid of it
U can not trust them.
"If they were being honest, they'd just say, 'honesty isn't one of those things that I value.'" Awesome.
My former attorney and co- conspirators egregiously betrayed my trust and faith in the legal system. I am still in the state of disillusioned and perplexed how their criminal intents of perverted my course of Civil Rights Due process and Justice.
The test is how much they invaded your confidences and what they are willing to do with it! This separates sheep from wolves.
I was hospitalized and at a very vulnerable place. I needed home care. At home, I experienced a betrayal and it happened just as you described. The hospital experience was a prelude to the betrayal similar to "love bombing". It has taken a lot to get through the experience as a narcissist abuse survivor. When I finally put it all together, my body spoke the truth once again. I couldn't avoid what happened. At least I can put the experience together as there was a time I couldn't. I can recognize the feelings and begin to feel them which has helped a lot. Sometimes you just can't avoid some experiences of betrayal. I'm glad I now have some tools to work with.
Yes. You feel like a idiot. But remember they're the real idiots, not you!
Thanx Doc. We need you!
Thank for Articulating the situation
I tried honesty and dipped inti hell.
All i am doing is renting
I am now being threatenrd with eviction
He hss rsisrd my rent to impossible levels as i am physically disabled.
Lsst noght two sms harrsememts
No one else in tge 42 apartments he owns is getting such a rent hike.
He yold a friend that i can move to another toen about two hours from here.
I need to be near the stores and pharmacy.
Hr is s dr. But does not care .
The rental market in this city is very bad
I have nice neighbors now .
Please sende good energy.
The last three months he got worse abd worse abd more deceptive lying like a snake
I am a pewce loving person and like to avoid confrontations if at all possible .his sister told me to avoid him as he is a devious liar and sociopath /narcissist
I would say extremely high om the narc.spectrum.
God Bless you fir your Work
You are an Amazing person .
I wish you All the Best
Susan, I wish you the best.
Thank You so much, for these advises! Ive been quite alone, handling those betrayals, but You have made it so much easier! Again, thank You!
Hi Gus!! Keep taking care of the Carters!!
That's the plan!
The only way to get along with a narcissistic is to totally give up ur likes an dislikes n become them.
Or walk away…😊
If you are going to stay with them (for whatever reason) find HEALTHY PEOPLE who love you for yourself.
Keep everything surface level and go along to get along....but what kind of marriage would that be....
These critters do hate authentic people. The ones I know are edging into their 70's and it is really hard to witness them backslide and have temper tantrums. The one guy has intermittent explosive disorder comorbid with high trait narcissism. Very dangerous man he is. Like living in a house full of vipers and landmines.
@@Cod12Osc The Truman Show kind. Always remember, it's your damnation the devil and his children want. Don't let them win that one!
Please listen to the song
‘39
By Queen
Great tune. Didn't know they did such a ballad song!
@fred.k9875, Thank you for the recommendation.
I could handle just about any shameful behavior from anybody, if it didn't have to come from my own family. I've had years of practice to dealing with it, but it's still miserable and I give almost anything not to have this in my life.
It's not even active right now, we've been estranged for years, and all for almost no reason.
It didn't have to be this way. I'm far from perfect but my heart is pure and they treated me like nothing and for WHY?????
It makes one angry. You feel cheated. You feel violated and it's hard. It's a very heavy burden to live with. Regardless of our disagreements I know one thing, I never deserved this. I can't see a situation in life when I would want to treat someone in the ways that I feel I've been treated.
I had a right to be loved and valued, and their behavior was shameful and not a single one of them out of three has ever made a single genuine apology or even so much been willing to admit fault or give one drip about my feelings during this whole process.
Ultimately I'm just angry because I don't understand why any of this had to happen. Sure conflict is going to happen, but life is meant to try build love and positive bonds with our family and hopefully some friends.
Probably going to have to seek some form of professional help in time dealing with
There's absolutely no reason for these people not to value me more than they do. We're family for fake and everything else could have been worked out in time. They're sick and yet I don't know what I should label it. In some ways it seemed like it came out of nowhere and otherwise I could see signs and traces going back decades.
How do you purposefully throw away, lie about, and literally resent your offspring or only sibling? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! And I've done nothing but work hard all my life and live a boring non-destructive lifestyle? And they're still treating me like this!?!
Makes me wonder if the devil is real and there are dark agents behind all of this... I mean that sounds a little bit loony but I mean who really knows?
I don't mean to feel sorry for myself and I don't, but my closest family members and a few extended family members are not the only ones that have seemingly gone out of their way to become absolutely insanely hateful to me for seemingly no reason at all. I just hope I have answered someday. I'm just an average person without much remarkable about myself- and yet one wouldn't believe the crazy negative malicious pointed planned purposeful seemingly hateful treatment I've been on the opposite end of, for seemingly no reason all other than I existed and I was trying. Now someone explained that to me, because I've tried to understand it for the last many years, and I don't know if I can.
I don't know, maybe a professional can help. To my knowledge I have never intentionally uttered or intended a cruel word about anyone and have just tried to live a normal decent life and yet, I have had time and again crazy unkind, intentionally cruel or seemingly hateful narc like behavior come my way from a variety of people and sources. I just would love to know what I'm doing that is so horrific that is sparking this kind of feelings and desires in these other people. Because for the life of me I cannot see it and boy oh boy is it crazy making!!!
It's not you. You can never thrive where you're not appreciated.
Thank you sir your knowledge and wisdom have helped me process much. Blessings
Thank you Dr. C for that. I was betrayed by my mother sister ex husband and out of millions of dollars. I always helped them all I am going to be writing a book on it. The things that was done to me was unbelievable. I look at Gus he is a beautiful animal and even he has love and would not betray you. It just hurts so bad. I wonder if I will be able to ever trust again.
@ReRe_642 I wanted to share some things from God's word (the book of books) with you regarding what you have been through.
From Mt 10:34-39 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. ³⁵ For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. ³⁶ And a man's foes they of his own household. ³⁷ He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. ³⁸ And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. ³⁹ He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.
From 1 Tim 6:17-19 Charge them that are rich in this world, that they be not highminded, nor trust in uncertain riches, but in the living God, who giveth us richly all things to enjoy; ¹⁸ That they do good, that they be rich in good works, ready to distribute, willing to communicate [to give]; ¹⁹ Laying up in store for themselves a good foundation against the time to come, that they may lay hold on eternal life.
From Mt 6:19-21 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: ²⁰ But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: ²¹ For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
The theme continues through the end of the chapter where in verses 33 & 34 Jesus said But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. ³⁴ Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day (is) the evil thereof.
From Ecc 12:11-14 The words of the wise (are) as goads, and as nails fastened by the masters of assemblies, (which) are given from one shepherd. ¹² And further, by these, my son, be admonished: of making many books (there is) no end; and much study (is) a weariness of the flesh. ¹³ Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this (is) the whole (duty) of man. ¹⁴ For God [not man] shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether (it be) good, or whether (it be) evil.
Similarly the apostle Paul and Sosthenes (a brother in the Lord), when writing to the church of God at Corinth, said in 1 Cor 4:1-5 Let a man so account of us, as of the ministers of Christ, and stewards of the mysteries of God. ² Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful. ³ But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged of you, or of man's judgment: yea, I judge not mine own self [meaning he himself does not judge others]. ⁴ For I know nothing by myself; yet am I not hereby justified: but he that judgeth me is the Lord. ⁵ Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord come, who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts: and then shall every man have praise of God.
I personally don't know whether you are a Christian or not, but God and my fellow Christians empathise with and have compassion for your pain. God himself is in charge of all that happens, both to the unsaved and the saved. He sent his Son into the world to be a sacrifice and to make atonement for our sins. This we can take confidence in, knowing that his thoughts and ways are higher than our own (see Isaiah 55:6-13), and that what the free will of man can make trouble with, God can work towards good. See Gen 50:14-21 as an ensample. See also Jn chapters 3, 14-16 for what is also available for those who are born again and walk in truth and obedience. The kingdom of heaven is at hand. ❤
🙏🏽🔥🙏🏽 spot on Dr C!!!
I am amazed again that your message, Dr. Carter, is just what I desperately need. I couldn't put words to the angsts I have felt this past week. And it got worse so that I went into a mental and emotional scary place yesterday. Now I realize, its the full realization of being betrayed over and over for years and with that realization I was overwhelmed with anger and sadness . I truly believed when I got married all those years ago, that I was marrying into one of the greatest Christian families in the world. I realize that I was conned. I couldn't disagree with God!! And now on top of everything else, what I believed about God has been broken up like a tornado took it down and debris hit me like stones were pounding me. I realize that my husband and my father-in-law had to be two of the most sly, passive aggressive men ever to live. Maybe, I can make a few more steps forward now. After Independence Day, I will be taking another course. Not quite sure which one, but I will make it until then.
Thank you, Peace.
Timely topic Dr. C, God bless you sir 🙏
Thank you
I'm so ashamed to see that lately I fell into the trap of a narcissist for the second time in my life. First time is when I was a kid and ended up being dreadfully betrayed by my step-father (who I thought back then was the savior that saved me from my alcoholic and violent father). Second time is when I started in a new company at 43 and searched for a trustworthy and helpful colleague for support...
This narcissist is currently scheming something to get rid of me and I'm not in a position to be able to respond to that... So it is quite hard to continue to go to work trying to do my best to not make things even worse than they already are... even if I do know that I'm not the one who created this situation.
Thanks to Dr. C., I feel some relief about what I feel myself, especially that strange feeling of guilt that makes me often think that all is my fault.
(sorry for my English)
I'm so sorry you've had to endure this, but I'm pleased to be on the path with you as you figure it out. Keep learning, and thanks for your comments.
The Narc Boss pattern: get dumped on, then get accolades. She is totally cyclical, which includes knowing she has gone too far...again. Chaotic.
I call that the ease and squeeze.
Thank you, Doctor C! I have listened to you many times and learned a great deal from you. This video is on target to my many decades long relationship. It's like you stepped into my home throughout the years and saw and heard my life unfolding before you. Yes, I see it clearly now. It's painful and my tears fall hearing this presentation. There's a great deal of loneliness that goes along with my fairly new revelation since people who have never experienced this type of trauma do not or will not try to understand it. I am blessed to have found one person who does understand; sadly, this person knows because it's the same in their home.
You summed up my experience and said into words what I have felt and have not said. I will save this video as it helps me understand me. Thank you Dr. C for the words.❤️🩹
91st video watched, paused and took notes. Like my physical training for my next Duathlon is done to protect my health. Coming here Dr Carter is to protect my inner peace and emotional well being . Each golden nugget of wisdom you share , is a bullseye to my heart and head . The opening song , your warm homey home , thanks for sharing your time with us and a part of your home as well .
You're so kind. I'm glad to be on the path with you.
Dear Dr. Carter, you are fantastic at explaining all things narcissism, and it has really helped. However, my husband and I have found a lingering unanswered question despite all of the great sources of information and support on this topic: How living with a survivor of such abuse impacts relationships with partners who come from healthy families, and have never been subjected to such toxicity. How can those of us who are survivors of such abuse, lessen the negative impacts of our abuse on our current or future healthy partners?
Great question!
I was raised by very smart, narcissistic teenagers. My mother was especially difficult because she projected her "shame" onto me then spun that drama thru the family. For years I played her "betrayal" in my head. Then I visualized the scene but as the adult that I am now. That was the end of that, and I went on being the grown up that I am.
Fun Fact. I was NOT her source of shame. Turned out I have an older brother who was adopted by the CEO of SEARS. His "grandmother" is the one who coined "Craftsman Tools" and his grandfather worked for Prez Truman. I met him awhile back and once was enough tho the rest of the family kisses his A$$.
Thank you 👍🏻
You’re welcome
Thank you for this wonderful video. There were good times in the relationship and I can remember those but the over all picture was as you describe here. I feel more balanced after listening to this. The more I learn every day the more I am healing. I’m taking onboard the healing aspect now. I think the first part of this process is learning about what has happened and once you fully digest that you can move forward onto the next stage, with reminders, as I don’t want to forget what I have learned. Thanks so much again, just can not tell you how blessed and grateful I feel for having you in my life as a loving guide and teacher. So thankful. Andrea.
Thank you, Dr Carter.
Absolutely tremendous, DR Le's, Thank you so much for this, We are all very grateful for you, You're a great bloke, Peace , love and respect to you , Gus everyone , Thank you universe All Glory to the most high :-)
As always Dr.C, well said and hopeful, helpful suggestions! Thank you & God bless you and the help your channel provides 😊
Thanks
Thank you 🙏
How do I ever overcome having him and his mother fake a protective orders and take our 5 month old baby for 15 days without contact until the hearing when she was finally returned to me. This happened during my PhD program and had no family or resources to help. Something integral broke inside me at that time. And the ongoing onslaught of unfounded legal motions has continued for 9 years. I was once a promising archaeologist and now I am half a person with a PhD , which I often believe is Pain and Disbelief Studies.
He had a scripted!
Demand s test him to do this.
Didn’t happen..
So trust is gone.
He’s going to just sit on things and not speak to anybody even his mom. It’s his game plan and script. No honesty, no clarity of a plan, Un able to reason with any of us mainly directed to me.
Betrayed, yes!
Was very hopeful he would be honest about what he could do and not do. The financial budget was up to me so I need to approve or not too! That as too much for him because I a woman should too beneath him to make decisions.
The betrayal was it was expected from history of this man.
I have good back up support from family support not grieving this issue.
They have been experiencing the same treatment from him.
If he need space he’s got it!
For me, this last episode has confirmed there is no relationship left to mend. It would have to be on his term only. I Can’t do that. It too unbalanced!
Thank you Dr C!
Great application today!
🐕⚘️Thank you Dr. C!
Thanks
Thank you.
Sounds harsh if we first overcome our own dissonance, betrayal becomes less of an issue. Most people just continue without even looking at themselves at any point and then betrayal seems to be the issue, but in fact the ground where you have to build on has to be solid. Trust is yours, I'm sure you crossed a boundary (yours) that is what I'm saying. I'm sure many times stuff that had to work out in the end but in fact was not. So what made you continue and expect NOT to end up with betrayal, or to be settled as flimsy as it is set yourself up for that downfall (again not guilt, your position wasn't one knee down already?!). We mainly choose less and expect a Big good outcome, think again, betrayal, and I'm speaking of adults is usual in the making of a certain hunger for love to hold on to the stuff we should not even consider, and I'm not even pointing a finger at guilt again just face that dissonance, because you cannot stop a liar from telling lies, but do tell me it sure wasn't too good to be true was it, because that is what it most definitely just was. It’s like saying getting into a swamp and not expect to be swarmed by mosquito’s. We just lean into betrayal as if it's a justification, I just wrote this to be there before the betrayal happens. Most people do know we cross many roads without even looking along the way you could lose a lot. Just a thought, about how betrayal would get Summarized more differently. Peace.
So real, and truthful. Well said. Collecting red flags does not create a bouquet of red roses.
Please can you touch on your adult child who you really love being the narcissist. My daughter is 40, she is so sweet to everyone outside her family but absolute narcissistic to her family especially me as her mother. She hurts me so much, if I want to see my Granddaughters I have to pay her x amount per child just to see them. How does one handle this?
What?! She is "p!mp!ng 0ut" her children for her own financial gain? 😮 That's sick.
Dr C. Took a chance on a promotion in a very political bureaucracy. too many mirrors to figure out fast enough and failed probation on a technicality. Public. Painful. On purpose. I had beaten a narc triangulation (waited it out) and earned the promotion but was waylaid. Poisonous org. Some real psycopathy in some of the leadership written off as politics as usual. No room to just be me while doing the same for others. No quid pro quo. Just conformity. Not growth. Change is coming but I got sidelined. The narcs fight it at every turn. Never give a suckered an even break. A sense of fair play made me a sucker. But it took bigger narcs than just the local net i had mastered thru prior experience to bring me down this time. And if it had not been this time, it would have been the next or the next. They keep on the attack. Really have to have a culture that doesn't tolerate narcs but it seems like the reverse, for now, is still the norm. I feel like I've been made into a don Quixote role (Ala James Baldwin's comments) because they needed me to be that. I didn't want to be seen that way.
One person can only last/ hold out so long, if you are only 1 individual and they are plenty. Once an organisation has exceeded a critical percentage of narcs, it is toast anyway. YOu cannot save it, nor survive in it. Its NOT YOU.
+ You need time to recuperate & rest on a regular basis (this sort of chronic stress is horrid to your body's nervous system )
It is not possible to do this indefin. without getting health complaints further down the line. Its not worth it.
Your health is most important, do not give it away to a bunch of assholes... Then they win & you lose (sometimes even permanently)
Go do something else, somewhere else, & take your health with you. You deserve it.
❤
I am a gay man seaching for another not narcissist gay man
Be the healthy one!
Pray that God delivers you from this sin and you can find a woman that will be good to you. Fix that first, get right withGod and trust him. No judgment here. The Bible says it is sin.
@@rg-mi5hh Nobody needs your unsolicited advice or gaslighting on this platform. May God bless you with more insight and mercy.
That is a very difficult statement. I am a gay man myself. I have only encountered narcissists in the so called gay scene. It is indeed not a healthy pool to fish in to meet a potential partner. I would love to meet a nice gay guy who is not a narcissist but I have become hyper vigilant to every potential love material. Unfortunately I am probably not living close to you. 🇳🇱 Ate logo! 🥂
"Seek support elsewhere." This is glib?
THANK YOU LES!! AND GOD BLESS YOU!! HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!
I ♥️ Dr C & he’s saving lives with his videos as well as Team Healthy, but I have come to believe that true peace lies on the other side of this lifetime. While I hope to heal more & finish strong, I no longer want to extend the experience. I’m 66 now & counting the time it will take to find peace everlasting ❤️🩹
Look me up when you get there!!
I’m leaving a long distance relationship… in the process. My situation is based on disrespect I believe was inflicted on me and my son who was injured in the military. He broke his back at a young age and while you can’t see his disability… he experiences crippling pain if he “ over does it” and it can trigger PTSD for him. My soon to be ex knows allll about my son’s injury because I have told him, many times. It’s as if my narcissistic ex just discarded what I told him. My son feels compelled to go and help this dude because of me. And because he is respectful to elders… he lost his own father about 10 years ago. When I confronted the ex, he pitched a fit and started saying mean things about my son. So I am done. I haven’t heard from in in about a week, and with each passing day and no phone call, the more content I am to move on. Am I overthinking this? There have been other issues too, him trying to tell me what to do and then getting frustrated with me when I politely decline the idea!
I.M.O. it is time to run.
🙏🏽🔥🙏🏽 spot on Dr C!!!
How do I ever overcome having him and his mother fake a protective orders and take our 5 month old baby for 15 days without contact until the hearing when she was finally returned to me. This happened during my PhD program and had no family or resources to help. Something integral broke inside me at that time. And the ongoing onslaught of unfounded legal motions has continued for 9 years. I was once a promising archaeologist and now I am half a person with a PhD , which I often believe is Pain and Disbelief Studies.