100% RELATABLE. I’m in therapy to learn how to show up in relationships. But the more i’m in, the more I think there’s only so much work I can do without being completely FAKE. I don’t want to be fake. I hate fake.
Any animal, insect, fish or arachnid that moves quickly is anathema to me - i startle *very* easily and I will just melt down in the moment... I've been masking all of my 75 years and now I'm not believed for who I truly am 😢😮
I was late diagnosed at 52. I can so relate to masking in therapy. I tried therapy a couple of times in the past, but I just had no way to describe my experiences, between being autistic and not knowing it and being alexithymic. I would eventually get to where I was just redirecting things back to the therapist, so I didn’t have to try to answer. Being gifted and adept at making, I could usually do this without them recognizing it. I’m in therapy now with a late diagnosed therapist, and, between having the vocabulary for the autistic experience and having a therapist who actually believes me and can understand the challenges, the difference is remarkable.
Yes this is a huge gift! I encourage everyone to do what they can to find a therapist who works with neurodivergent folks. My Therapist is actually on the spectrum too. He very easily calls out my thinking patterns, challenges my ableism, all without letting me off the hook or remain in a victim mindset. It's a HUGE gift.
@@gothboschincarnate3931 lmao I was diagnosed Type 1 Diabetic in 1979, (I was 6)and my family told me it was my fault and have no clue what it even is.
@@perceptionplace. i'm so glad that i'm high functioning because if i really did need major help, i would have just been put in a mental hospital somewhere because my family is the worst.
Hey peeps! Just wanted to say thanks to all the previous podcast guests who made this video happen... just remember these episodes vary in date and so there may be inconsistencies in my views and use of terms (as with my guests). Thanks guys
I was diagnosed low-masking autistic. As a child, my family liked my ADHD self…energetic, enthusiastic, excitable, dumb…like a Golden Retriever. I just had to smile AT ALL TIMES. My Mom actually told me “if you smile, people will like you”. I learned to stay in my room unless I could present that way or go sit in a tree for hours when I couldn’t be my Golden Retriever ADHD self. I still did that at age 14 and 15. The tree was as my safe place. As a young adult, I socialized at Clubs because I could just dance and avoid socializing but appear social. One beer was like a bottle of extra version and reduced my social anxiety. I’d be able to spin and jump around and sing or hum so massive stimming to deal with the noise/smell/crowd over stimulation. I’d fill my beer bottle with water 5 times in the restroom so people saw me drinking a lot…and people would explain away all my stimming and social faux pas as just being drunk. It was too loud to have a conversation so I would scare people away with wrong topic conversations like I generally did. Plus, my crowd of band followers were likely neurodivergent when I look back at it. They were interested in the one band we followed to the exclusion of all else and just wanted to discuss the band & songs & where the next gig would be. Many drank too much and probably forgot much of what I said so that helped too. After bar fly me…I became a Mom at age 37. Quickly learned that other Moms found me weird and almost dangerous (uncanny valley dangerous). They saw me as a Bad Mom…neglectful as I couldn’t keep focus on my child, what she was doing or where she was while talking to another Mom at a playground or birthday party.
I’ve masked myself from myself for 50 years. 50 years of confusion..not even knowing what I wanted…constant navel gazing to try to escape from self-loathing. I felt like an empty shell of a being.
I did not know that I am autistic until I was in my late 60s! It explained so much. Now I refuse to mask and don’t experience the stress. But now I face the open prejudice of people’s misunderstanding of autism. There’s no winning in this life. 🤨
I took a speech class back in college. Everyone was so stressed and freaked out. I was like... this is awesome. All I had to do was stand up and share ideas and sit back down. No tracking tone and body language. No timing their speaking and mine. No having to match faces. No (waves at masking requirements). Just stand. Basic hand motions. Basic face. Basic friendly tone. And talk. Then take quearions that I wove into the speech. And I sat back down. It was less stressful than my day to day life because it was perfectly managed. Real life isn't. And everyone else was stressed AF. And it hit me. My life for me is like speech class for normal people. Also helps that I am so used to judgement that it's like 🤪 I did my best mfer can't do better. 😙 But it's exhausting. People don't get why I didn't want to hang out after work. Like I'm done. Tapped out. Dry as a desert rock. I got energy to shower, eat, and curl up under my weighted blanket to go 🫡
I felt the same way! I always justified it by thinking of it as the difference between scripted and spontaneous speech. If I had to talk to classmates spontaneously, it suddenly looked like I barely knew how to interact with people. But if I had to present a topic or read something off of a script... doesn't matter how many people were there, I was at my most comfortable! No need to be afraid of public speaking as long as I've been given the words. It's suddenly talking in real life that's a challenge.
I do sometimes wonder if you're more likely to be diagnosed if you naturally have a stronger will power to be yourself rather than invalidating yourself and convincing yourself everything you do is wrong which also means you're under an extreme amount of pressure to observe and mimick the behaviour of other people/kids around you which evolves in an unconscious process of developing a mask to fit in with the people around you driven by an extreme anxiety around rejection.
Also the more stereotypically nerdy your special interests are (STEM topics especially), vs more socially acceptable topics (sport, cars, celebrities, fashion). The 'nerdy' person is more likely to be identified by themselves and others autistic than the person with more 'normal' and maskable interests.
Today I met an ethnic minority neurodivergent bolt driver in Amsterdam. I cried in front of him and told him about my labels. CPTSD and AUD-HD He drove me around and didn't really even charge me. He said it was quiet and I made him laugh. He made me feel happy. He reminded me of being in acceptance of oneself. He reminded me that I'm a good person. I secretly hate myself and always did. He told me he does not care about what anyone thinks unless he loves them. I've been hurt by people who love and hate me He reminded me today of who I can heal and help more. He was inspired by what I have ensured. I am inspired by his kindness. We both had the same country chocolate bar. We had the same drink.. red bull. Out favourite song is Eminem, Houdini 🎉 I love it when I find someone out and about and proud and alive in our tribe I hope the next upset neurodivergent that anyone finds is filled with joy and laughter too I will never forget my driver today. Inshallah may he be blessed with good health, love and joy Like everyone who has suffered and worries too much. We just learn the art of being UNF@CKwithable. It's my life goal 🥍 may we all be free from worry, stress and anxiety Love to all ❤🎉😊
I think that's quite true, but more complicated then that. I've always had a strong willpower to be myself, and assumed I was different. But at the same time, liking theater, I figured soon enough that if I worked on my social skills... people would accept my weirdness a lot better. So I worked hella lot on my social skills (studing theater, storytelling, learning a lot about psychology so I could understand basically every weird thing people did around me)... I still am odd socially, but I'm that a bit weird, funny, gentle guy that jokes around his odness... so basically most people like me. It still costs me a lot of stress, but it works pretty well. But then I saw a therapist and she was like... yeah you're weird, odd, but you've got good social skills so no not autistic, your a weird gifted person. Maybe I'm not, I don't know, I'm going for a second opinion next week... but it's still annoying, because I seem at ease socialy, but honestly, I'm so not.
@@micheals1992 I was diagnosed at 9. My family hid this from me until I was a legal adult at age 19. My sisters revealed it. Not my father. I remember never being able to mask very well. Even through high school. Constantly shutdown. I had to keep attacking myself telling myself I was stupid and crazy. So I could somehow act more normal. It never really worked. Just made me more shutdown after school was over.
I always feel like I'm constantly remaking myself due to the fact I never feel like I fit in. And it makes it difficult to stay at jobs that I constantly have to put up a defense. Idk if that makes sense I honestly don't understand myself.
That’s why I’m self employed so I can somewhat control interactions and plan recovery times. What you’re good at - monetize it. The world loves our giftedness!
Makes complete sense. I feel like a different person every day. And I noticed too I want to leave my job bc it’s difficult to be myself when ppl start to get to know me better. Now I use it as a path to unmasking - every day I try to work on how I am showing up - I noticed it was like I had 2 different versions of myself. So then I decided to start to make those 2 personalities into one. More and more. I go out into the world, and then come home and observe everything that went on, and why I said the things I did. Not in a self shaming kinda way, but just getting curious about the mask. I didn’t even know it was a mask at first. I just knew I had 2 different versions. I journaled a lot and now I’m kind of excited to take on the challenges now! It’s really good way to grow.
This was a nice sampling of your various guests expressing their experiences and opinions about autistic masking. Well curated and well done, in my opinion. Thanks!
Thank you. This was informative. I was diagnosed late in adulthood. I've been trying to figure out what I do that's masking my autism (or myself) and what I do because I was taught that it was good manners. I know that I am never fully relaxed when with other people. However, I don't know that I actually DO anything that's very different, except that I do things at my own pace and on my own schedule. When other people are around I'm on alert to their needs for my attention. That takes a certain level of energy, which I have less of as I get older. I did try to mask my differentness when I was in school, but as an adult, after listening to a lot of people, I thought high school was a pretty miserable experience for all the students. It wasn't until I was retired and my relationship broke up that I realized I lacked friends. My colleagues, my family, and my partner (and his family and friends) were providing all the social contact I needed and using up my social energy.
While I was studying for my MBA, I read an article in the Harvard Business Review about masks we all ware, we relate to different people in different situations with our various facets. Therefore masking, in my opinion, is an element of empathy and emotional intelligence, emotional development.
Personally I can relate to all the 'symtomps' at times, from border line and narcissism to adhd and autism. My narcissistic personality covers up my borderline personality which is activated when my hypersensitive side is triggered which leads to an insecure freeze and autistic avoidance and fawning masks. BUT it all boils down to cptsd, a trauma-embodiment stemming from childhood abuse. When it's activated I have all this 'neurodivergence'. The more I calm down my nervous system the more 'normal' optimistic and outgoing I can be. So to me, all those labels are basically the same family of :"stress putting brain in fight/flight/freeze/shutdown mode or calm and relaxation putting brain in happily loving life mode. So the KEY is to calm down the nervoussystem by all means. Simplifying life, breathwork, meditation, swimming, singing, hugging, going to bed early for a couple of days, keep your agenda open, walk in nature, listen to calming music... whatever works, calm down. Relax your muscles, relax your breath, relax your jaws, relax your brain. Focus on internal safety and calmness. And everything will be allright ❤
@@gloriousforever3451 you can only change your reality if you feel totally safe and calm, not if you are in victim mode. Ridicule me all you want. Glorious Forever. I know my experience. I've suffered and struggled and I rise above now.
27:41 Temet nosce - Know yourself A fantastic daily reminder! A couple of things are muddled. This is the Latin translation of the Ancient Greek γνῶθι σεαυτόν ('gnothi seauton') which was indeed carved on the Temple of Apollo in Delphi, Greece, along with 'Nothing too much' (aka 'All things in moderation') and 'Give a pledge and trouble is at hand' (meaning disputed, may refer to not making big promises or claims, or standing surety to a loan). 'Know yourself' also had clear meaning in Ancient Greece of 'Know your faults' and 'Know your limits'. Later, especially Plato onward, the meaning centred on knowing the whole of yourself in the more philosophical sense. Pronounciation: tem-et nos-ke or nos-keh, with the final e being a short breathe-out, rather than a fully pronounced 'ee'. 😉
@@yippeekiyay6525 - People on the spectrum often look younger for longer. I was still getting carded in my early thirties. Still sound like a teenager on the phone most of the time. I didn’t get a dx until my late 50’s.
@@jedimasterham2 me too! I just turned 40 and recently had 3 people tell me they thought I was 27. I think I at least look 30 but I am very bubbly and playful. If I see a slide I must go down 🤣. But I also think how I dress can affect it. Sometimes I dress younger and sometimes I dress like a woman in my 40s.
Thank you for this excellent vid Thomas. Seeing and hearing the diversity of experiences of masking across all the interviews and in the chat is really helpful.. Just goes to show we are all individuals first! I got diagnosed at 52, only when a lifetime of masking to survive finally caught up with me!! It’s been an interesting time learning about and testing out who I actually am ever since! But agree with Vince the Anomaly (when I can think about things mindfully!). Once you get to a certain age - no matter how you got there (!)- you feel much less need for validation or approval from others! This has really helped me to reduce my urge/need to mask as much, and just be my autistic self more which has really helped save energy and hopefully reduce future burnout.. 🙏🏼🙏🏼👍🏼👍🏼
As a teacher and parent those comments definitely fit. Teaching 7/8th grade I feel so much more natural talking to them. I can be as random and weird as them and it fit. It was also just great practice in being vocal and having conversation without feeling the need to have it be in some specific form. At the same time, the way teaching and student behavior is going, it was extremely draining.
@marthamurphy3913 Not anymore. They don't care in the slightest about anything. Think they've seen it all on their phone. I taught Audio/Video and Robotics and most were completely "meh" to the class. They worked extremely slow and broke a lot of stuff. As an elective where the grade and passing really doesn't matter it was more babysitting the random kids dumped into my class to fill their schedule :(.
Thomas, thank you for sharing this video. It highlights the significant harm that masking can cause to mental health, especially when we mask from ourselves. The notion that we can simply "fake it till we make it" has never rung true for me. It's quite detrimental to our well-being. Here's a reworded version: Dan from the Aspie World made an insightful comment about observing younger family members, such as your own children, nieces, and nephews. I've had the opportunity to learn from my own grandniblings, and in doing so, I discovered at 52 that I am autistic as well. Greetings from NYC!
29:00 Thank you for sharing about the feminine style masking. I am holding on desperately for hope for a reason to get out of bed each day. This has sparked an element of curiosity. Thank you for the video and everyone that I shared.
Thank you for this video. I am developing a coaching service that I hope to focus exactly on these topics, in order to address communication challenges in education and professional settings. I would love to hear more from these neurodistinctive viewpoints. My ADHD has some similarities in masking experiences and I want to expand my understanding of others as much as I can. I currently work in college student access, having over twenty years of helping students with having accommodations. I want to work towards helping others have smoother lives
@@Rextone-x2sme too, I even zoomed in at that point and couldn't find any small wrinkles. I know make-up can't completely cover up every wrinkle, she just seemingly has none. Not one single bit, not even around her eyes 😮 wow she's blessed, I am 33 and get mistaken for mid-twenties often, but THIS youthly face at 39 is bombastic. She must know a secret spell or something. The problem of aging is solved, if she would give a small donation so scientists can multiply whatever rare youth-fountain is in her blood and sell it to people like me 😂 we can live forever and stay looking like 20 forever then ☺
Looking back, I realised I started masking at a young age to cope with a colonised world and system, where are emotions have no place. Always found it easy to make friends, but never really made good friendships and deep connections because naturally I learnt to mirror and mask to fit in the environment around me at any particular time. I think it’s important of knowing for yourself and how your brain works and just know yourself better to. I’m understand things like the need to disconnect and be alone after asking to re-centre and analyse/process what you were masking and why and always asking if I was true to myself or did/ acted in a way I don’t like but in the moment was in autopilot and trying to blend in. Also learnt that it’s easy to mask than feeling like you have to explain yourself to people who don’t understand or want to and just throw things back at you. End of the day you only have to explain yourself to you and those you trust and respect
I think self-controlled socially adaptive behaviour can be authentic and honest. Not everyone should have as emotionally, physically, spiritually, or intellectually intimate knowledge of us as the closest people in our life.That’s how I describe integrated masking.
The Mac and windows different not less analogy is perfect! Tho I think the opposite, that we are windows and nt are Mac. Mac looks “orderly”, a pleasant to use, all the background processes designed to be hidden, and able to do certain tasks well effortlessly and gracefully; while nd are windows, not as user friendly, need a lot of setting up, sometimes if not managed well it can get viruses or get a bunch of pop ups, significantly affect the quality of life, but on the other hand, it has more potential, a lot of programs on windows that are not compatible with Mac, you can set up components and features catered to your need, you can automate things so that it works for your workflow and boost your efficiency…
wow this video went above & beyond what i was eXpecting i keep watching it over as i did not think i could respect/admire/love u autisties more yet this was truly eye opening/mind opening/heart opening ~ Thomas u have found ur calling plez continue 2b our bridge/lighthouse/a brother in arms eh :)
Do non autistic people mask as well? For example maintaining more eye contact when speaking to a manager or not sharing fringe hobbies with newly met colleagues.
Hello, I am listening to this video and many others in order to better understand my 2 siblings who have ASD. To answer your question, no we don’t really mask, we just understand which social situations suit which kind of interactions. I am always myself with people, but obviously myself as a manager and myself at home with my family will involve different aspects of my personality. I also have some friends with ASD . One friend in social situations will immediately launch into talking about his special interests at great lengths, interrupt others and not give them a chance to speak. This can get both boring and frustrating for others sadly and he doesn’t seem able to recognize when he has lost that person’s attention. He doesn’t seem to get that not everyone will find this interesting, and that it is not a reciprocal conversation. The lady on here who said chit chat is boring, I can relate to, but I see it as social lubricant oil for want of a better description. It makes it easier for different parts ( people) to be able to function together. It seems that masking in order to do this comes at a great energy cost for people with Autism. I might not always be in the mood for it, but I don’t have any difficulty doing it, and sometimes it can be very enjoyable. I hope this goes some way to answering your question.
@@ros1520thanks this is so interesting, as I learn more about myself and autism I sometimes wonder what "not being autistic" actually is. I would say that many autistic people don’t dare mention their special interest because they have learned that others don’t really care. I don’t think I have ever mentioned dinosaurs in conversation for about 22 years. So it’s so exciting if someone lets us. Your friend may have been humoured quite a few times with people feeling it’s too rude to say they aren’t interested in his interest, so he’s never actually learnt that other people don’t care. Whereas I was told to shut up about my interests from an early age.
@@ros1520 thanks for this. As a psychologist I support many people who have traits of autism. I'm trying to understand my clients perspectives more without having to rely on them as sources of knowledge about their autism all the time. Like you, I have many shared experiences with people who are autistic but the impact on my welfare/life is nominal in comparison. That is a very important factor in my opinion.
Temple💗💗💗respect! You’re all right about it being exhausting. Masking most of the time is a requirement to be able to support myself with my business. I am an artist and artisan chef so I can be myself when I’m in the creative zone. Otherwise- for the events and dinners we design, plan and cater, there are the highly interactive hours and sometimes days with staff then guests. It takes me a week to recover, literally. I walk around feeling otherworldly and literally fall a lot. Does anyone else clutz out after overstimulation? Event on Tuesday, another bad fall last night. It seems each thing we do requires absolute concentration- of course that’s the zone where the magic happens.
Really interesting, thanks - it's great to hear such a variety of perspectives and experiences. I know I wasn't masking at 5 and was doing so heavily by 11, so it's been at least 50 years for me. I would love to be able to cut back, but figuring out how is tricky.
I totally relate to the masking of your identity. I’ve tried explaining this countless times and I get the typical reply of we all mask and this was from health care professional. Having two daughters diagnosed with autism has make me wonder if I am too
I'm diagnosed autistic and my family still can't accept this and will not do the research to help me work through it and I am often gaslit. I definitely internalise my struggles but that could be because I was also ab*sed when living with my family both D/A and S/A. I got so used to masking that I get overwhelmed and exhausted daily even now and strangely I mask so much that I forget to focus on myself and what I need. :( i was always forced to think of others and what they want or need.
Thank you for this. I've been struggling to understand my 11 yt old. He is extremely smart and handsome. Because of this, I put him in a box, like what I think he should be, but he's not that at all. He shares so many things many of your guests describe about themselves. I've been saying for years I think my son may be autistic but my wife doesn't think so. After seeing this, I know he does. Thank you all 🙏
I was diagnosed at 39, too ❤ As a female, my whole life has been an awful experience of trying to fit in, not quite getting it right, abandoning the idea of friends, isolation, depression, repeat. My masking game is strong but extremely toxic (for myself) 😢
I have been "putting on the human skin" for almost 50 years. It's debilitating and exhausting. I've just recently realized that pretending to be what is NORMAL is not sustainable & it never will be. Time to be me. 😊
Thank you or this, I was diagnosed about six months ago and I have 45. It has been painful, understanding that I am autistic at this age has been really complex, especially in interpersonal relationships and especially at work. Now I feel like I can't take any more years of masking because it ruined my mental health, the problem is but I don't know how. Greeting from Chile
Man... I just got diagnosed March 2024. I've known for like 10 yrs but never thought I'd have the means to pay to get diagnosed so I didn't try. Since I wasn't diagnosed I had a problem with telling people I was autistic but my life got so bad and everyone has always has drug addiction to blame for my situation. So much so that I started to think maybe they were right(knowing they were not. And when I got clean for like 2 plus years and nothing had changed(executive functioning so bad I can't hardly take care of myself), I knew I had to get diagnosed. Quick side note is that an autistic thing? Where I will NOT use I'm autistic as a reason, an excuse, or just at all cuz it would feel dishonest even tho I'm 99% sure I am? Another thing is when narcissistic predators "trick" me into thinking they're my friend, and they keep doing stuff taking advantage of me being too generous and trusting, and even once I kinda figured it out, I can hint that I know, it even tell them I know, doesn't matter, if they are unwilling to admit it(which they always are 100% of the time), I am unable to act upon it as if they did it. I would need evidence... Like the evidence needed in court! If I ever knew for sure, 100% guilty I'd have no problem shutting them out of my life for good... Why? Well I know why... I think about like times something comes up missing and I'm thinking blabla stole it, he was last in here and he was making comments about how much he liked it, it's him it's totally him. But being me I refrain, and so many times I find the thing. And I think about what if I accused him and made a huge scene and he didn't actually do it... I also noticed I over explain because I don't want someone to misunderstand me cuz "wars have been fought over misunderstanding". Back from long tangent, once I got diagnosed I really thought my life was gonna change for the better. I mean, I pay my phone bill when it gets shut off, I live in a trailer parked on the street. So the fact that I was able to save 3000 bucks to see a specialist and actually committed to it, is quite astonishing. Problem is... Nothing changed, nothing good... The first 3 people I told said no your not Jake, that's crazy. 4th person said "oh so you can cheat the government and get disability?" Which is... I wish I could explain how much that hurts so people wouldn't say it. And so after that I told my dad over a text, and he must not have read it... Or maybe he doesn't believe me either. And I haven't told anyone else. So I guess maybe everyone has a lot going on in their lives, i can't expect everyone to stop what they're doing to help me right?
How do us lot find partners? anyone else don't know where to find a neurodivergent partner and NOT mask from the beginning? Dating on the spectrum is pap.... It's horrid and patronising. We have a N.Dar. like a gaydar. We know our peeps but where's our platform??? Any developers help pls ❤
Mimicking accents quickly! Finally someone else who has mentioned this trait, which has been pretty cringe at times for me. Like there was someone I worked with closely at work and I picked up her verbal habits and some people definitely noticed or I had two weeks of training with someone from London and, after four days, I also had an accent and was spending so much energy trying to stifle it. For me, it came fairly unconsciously and usually happened with people I was more focused on. It makes me nervous to work closely like that with others again because the mirroring of the other person is really... unsettling? It's unsettling not only to myself but also to other people 🥲
I believe I know what you mean (as a fellow autistic mimic.) I'm sorry it's something that has caused you distress at work. In my case, none of my clients have accents for me to inadvertently adopt, lol, but I will definitely pick up accents from TV shows or movies and not be able to shut them off easily. For example, awhile back I watched the show True Blood with my wife and had the southern drawl for three weeks straight, lol. Thankfully my wife loves me as I am and gets a kick out of my echolalia but I was getting some strange looks from others for awhile. 😂 Hope the best for you in finding a way to navigate your situation at work, though, because that does sound very tricky.
@@MLindsey222 I think maybe it’s an effort to socialize and establish social identity.. We’re constantly and subconsciously searching for the keys to social connection. Echoing a speech style is a way of saying that we want to identify with the other person. Of course, it usually comes off as weird, if not offensive to NT people who mistake this behavior for mockery or whatever.
I’m by myself right now without a mask. My true self is a flat affect, metallic voice with a cup of coffee. In public I’m never not masking. It may not be a great mask but I’m always taking into consideration what the people around me need.
The going places alone vs with a kid is exactly the opposite for me. I like going places on my own because I feel in control. When I’m with my toddler, I don’t like going out (especially new places) because I’m afraid of how I’ll be able to “control” him.
I’ve become so traumatized by masking and the near constant belittling by neurotypicals that I stopped masking and I try not to interact with them anymore which is really difficult when you have kids
🤔 I guess I mask like a female autistic because I am told all the time when I tell people I have autism that they would have had no idea if I didn't say anything. I was wondering if I would relate to what anyone is saying in these videos but not really until "masking like a female" did I have a moment where I was like "oh okay yeah that's like me" Though I am still just waiting for someone to say masking isn't draining or bad for their mental health because for me it's really not. I just do it, I don't even unmask every time when I am alone because masking unmasking, meh I don't care if I am or am not, sometimes I will unmask sometimes I won't. Like I am listening to this at my custodian job. Building is completely empty, am I unmasked? Nah I don't really feel like unmasking, so I am not unmasking. Makes no difference to me, it's really not tiring or draining or whatever these people say it is for them.
I’m new to my diagnosis at 40. Idk if it’s my age or what… but I’m still trying to grasp that other people feel this. And the worst part is the people that don’t believe you. I’m really trying to understand why.
I have to say, and I tend to say things that make people uncomfortable, that pretty much anybody could say, well, i'm autistic, but I've just been masking. Personally I cannot effectively mask. It's too exhausting. No, I do not behave differently at a conference than I do in private, other than being very nervous. I'm more comfortable in private, and people at a conference definitely meet me and immediately realize that i'm not the person they imagined, i.e. I'm weirder than they imagined. So if you're autistic and you effectively mask, are you really autistic? I mean possibly yes, but then again everybody could say, "Oh, i've just been masking." So how do you know for sure, if a person is NOT autistic? Maybe they're just angry and have found a way that they think they can annoy everybody else. I'm definitely willing to change my mind about this... And if i'm just a loser for not being able to mask, please tell me how to mask. The one thing I do know is the mechanics of how to be polite, that's about as far as I go to masking. Well, I also do have a lot of empathy for people who come to me in pain, but that's not masking, that's just real. BTW I'm female, my whole life.
You are overthinking it. Yes, many autistics mask, and it is hard work. But we are generally pretty bad at masking. No matter how late-diagnosed or non-stereotypical we are, neurotypicals can spot us within seconds (Actual Science). They may not consciously recognise us as autistic, but they immediately us as different (unfortunately usually in a way they don't like). Even high-masking people have plenty of stories of feeling lonely, left out and struggling with social situations and friendships. I think I have had an easier time as an adult due to finding friends and a career through my interests, and by chance the people were heavily skewed neurodivergent and neurodivergent-friendly. In order to understand how autism differs from neurotypicals, I have struggled with trying to think of who I know would be neurotypical! I mostly have to think of people peripheral to my life years ago.
What is masking? Masking is when I pretend to be normal so that you don't notice my struggles. I mimic your personality when I'm with you. I don't know who to mimic when I am with more than one person.
im 37, neurodivergent, took a test for autism and doubled the score needed, adhd, uhm... I didn't see a doctor about any of this until my mid 30's so.. Yeah, I learned to mask at a very young age as a survival mechanic / trying to appear normal to my peers and like.. honestly it sucks~
Interestingly, “masking” has never been effective for me; too autistic, I guess. People just dislike me all the time for, from my perspective, no discernible reason I can sense or control. My (less neurodivergent) teenage son tells me I come off as a “know-it-all professor”, which is absolutely not anything I’ve ever tried for, but I guess I also didn’t NOT try for that, if that makes sense??? It makes me sad if I hurt people’s feelings, but it aggrievates me when people seem determined to take offense because I… smiled? Rolled my eyes? Used a five-syllable word that there is an adequate 2 syllable synonym for? FFS, be offended, then, I guess… 🤷♀️
I used to care about people with Autism until I started looking around and realizing everybody seems to have it and its really annoying and I ain't nobody got time for that
I don't know what you mean by hiding your true self. That implies that you know where your behavior is not normal and implies that you could do something about it. Neither of those makes any sense.
I find it weird that we are trying to find all these definitions and diagonsis for people who can't fit in, wjen in actuality they can't fit into a broken and sick system and society. Being well adjusted to an sich society isn't a sign of mental health.
The experience of having autism in my family, in varying degrees, has led me to understand that comparing myself to the child with the best combo of genes is basically an impossible standard and a huge tactical error. So here is what my straining and failing to mask have taught me: People can know a label and they still will not understand you or your problems, that's a fact. That is not something that we can change, and I need to be okay with that. I am from Temple's generation, and she has said about how the emphasis then was on taking turns and doing hard things as an important aspect of growing up. The advantage I had is that my big family was a microcosm of the world. So I understood that for me, it wouldn't solve my problems to know exactly what my brain issue was. In order to walk bravely in my own shoes, I have increased my expectations of myself, and lessened what I expect from other people. I need always to focus on what we all have in common. And I need to keep a low profile for my own safety. I will assess my own performance, and try and ignore the judgements of other people (keeping in mind that the witness of bystanders is notoriously unreliable)...
Any thoughts on this AI definition of masking? ‐------ "Masking" refers to the act of concealing or hiding one's true feelings, behaviors, or identity, often by deliberately acting in a way that conforms to social expectations, essentially putting on a facade to fit in with others; it is most commonly associated with individuals on the autism spectrum who might suppress their natural behaviors to appear more "normal" in social situations. Key points about masking: Intentional or unconscious: While masking can be a conscious effort to blend in, it often happens unconsciously as a coping mechanism to avoid negative social feedback. Social pressure: People might mask to avoid judgement or discrimination based on their differences. Emotional toll: The constant effort to maintain a facade can lead to exhaustion, stress, and mental health issues. Examples of masking behaviors: Forcing eye contact when it feels uncomfortable Mimicking others' facial expressions or mannerisms Suppressing stimming behaviors (repetitive movements) Changing one's voice tone to sound more "normal" Avoiding discussing personal interests that might be considered "different" Masking (personality) - Wikipedia Individuals may mask in certain social situations, such as job interviews or dates, or around people of different cultures, identities, or ethnicities. Since di... Wikipedia Autistic people and masking - National Autistic Society Jul 7, 2022 - To 'mask' or to 'camouflage' means to hide or disguise parts of oneself in order to better fit in with those around you. It is an unconscious strateg... National Autistic Society What is Masking? | Charlie Health May 19, 2023 - Maintaining a facade of well-being while dealing with internal struggles can be emotionally and mentally draining. The constant effort required to a... Charlie Health Masking - National Autistic Society using facial expressions, perhaps by mirroring others', that wouldn't come naturally to you. forcing yourself to make eye contact or monitoring how much eye con... National Autistic Society What You Need to Know About Masking in Mental Health Daniel B. Block, MD, is an award-winning, board-certified psychiatrist who operates a private practice in Pennsylvania. Morsa Images / Getty Images. “Masking” r... Verywell Mind Masking | Psychology Today In practice, camouflaging behaviors may look like someone with autism forcing themselves to make eye contact at work, using memory techniques to remember approp... Psychology Today Generative AI ...
Why focus on masking for autism when anyone with a health problem will mask or not mention their ailment? I don’t go around telling people about my Diabetes, Hypothyroidism or CFS and RA.
I’ll watch this later but first thing that stood out to me was the thumbnail and the severe lack of diversity. Hope this gets touched upon in the video but good topic!
@ a POC May have an added layer of masking because they have to worry about coming across a certain way. How is that irrelevant to explaining masking to their life experience?
@@minxxoxo Thomas is a Northern European, in Northern Europe. So guess what, most of the content creators he engages with are also Northern European or of Northern European ancestry
What's exhausting is the constant sense that no matter how hard you're trying it isn't good enough.
100% RELATABLE. I’m in therapy to learn how to show up in relationships. But the more i’m in, the more I think there’s only so much work I can do without being completely FAKE. I don’t want to be fake. I hate fake.
It's excruciating to never be ourselves and I have paid for it in that my family doesn't believe my autism is the true me...
@@robertahagen6455 Sorry to hear that.
Any animal, insect, fish or arachnid that moves quickly is anathema to me - i startle *very* easily and I will just melt down in the moment... I've been masking all of my 75 years and now I'm not believed for who I truly am 😢😮
I was late diagnosed at 52. I can so relate to masking in therapy. I tried therapy a couple of times in the past, but I just had no way to describe my experiences, between being autistic and not knowing it and being alexithymic. I would eventually get to where I was just redirecting things back to the therapist, so I didn’t have to try to answer. Being gifted and adept at making, I could usually do this without them recognizing it.
I’m in therapy now with a late diagnosed therapist, and, between having the vocabulary for the autistic experience and having a therapist who actually believes me and can understand the challenges, the difference is remarkable.
Yes, thank you for your post. 😊
Yeah I found a huge difference too in being understood as a neurodivergent person
@ yes! It’s not good when the patients know more than the care giver.
Can they be sued for malpractice?
@@edwardlulofs444I don’t think you can put the blame on anyone if nobody in the room knows they are Autistic.
Yes this is a huge gift! I encourage everyone to do what they can to find a therapist who works with neurodivergent folks. My Therapist is actually on the spectrum too. He very easily calls out my thinking patterns, challenges my ableism, all without letting me off the hook or remain in a victim mindset. It's a HUGE gift.
Greatly needed at this time. My useless family still has done no research on autism and it has been about 6 years.
Aw I hope u r okay though. Being let down by family is so disappointing
I've been diagnosed for a long time now, and I've realized that it's ultimately up to us to navigate our autism, especially if high masking, sadly.
@@gothboschincarnate3931 sounds like it’s up to you :)
@@gothboschincarnate3931 lmao I was diagnosed Type 1 Diabetic in 1979, (I was 6)and my family told me it was my fault and have no clue what it even is.
@@perceptionplace. i'm so glad that i'm high functioning because if i really did need major help, i would have just been put in a mental hospital somewhere because my family is the worst.
Hey peeps! Just wanted to say thanks to all the previous podcast guests who made this video happen... just remember these episodes vary in date and so there may be inconsistencies in my views and use of terms (as with my guests). Thanks guys
I was diagnosed low-masking autistic. As a child, my family liked my ADHD self…energetic, enthusiastic, excitable, dumb…like a Golden Retriever. I just had to smile AT ALL TIMES. My Mom actually told me “if you smile, people will like you”. I learned to stay in my room unless I could present that way or go sit in a tree for hours when I couldn’t be my Golden Retriever ADHD self. I still did that at age 14 and 15. The tree was as my safe place. As a young adult, I socialized at Clubs because I could just dance and avoid socializing but appear social. One beer was like a bottle of extra version and reduced my social anxiety. I’d be able to spin and jump around and sing or hum so massive stimming to deal with the noise/smell/crowd over stimulation. I’d fill my beer bottle with water 5 times in the restroom so people saw me drinking a lot…and people would explain away all my stimming and social faux pas as just being drunk. It was too loud to have a conversation so I would scare people away with wrong topic conversations like I generally did. Plus, my crowd of band followers were likely neurodivergent when I look back at it. They were interested in the one band we followed to the exclusion of all else and just wanted to discuss the band & songs & where the next gig would be. Many drank too much and probably forgot much of what I said so that helped too. After bar fly me…I became a Mom at age 37. Quickly learned that other Moms found me weird and almost dangerous (uncanny valley dangerous). They saw me as a Bad Mom…neglectful as I couldn’t keep focus on my child, what she was doing or where she was while talking to another Mom at a playground or birthday party.
I’ve masked myself from myself for 50 years. 50 years of confusion..not even knowing what I wanted…constant navel gazing to try to escape from self-loathing. I felt like an empty shell of a being.
I did not know that I am autistic until I was in my late 60s!
It explained so much. Now I refuse to mask and don’t experience the stress. But now I face the open prejudice of people’s misunderstanding of autism.
There’s no winning in this life. 🤨
I took a speech class back in college. Everyone was so stressed and freaked out.
I was like... this is awesome.
All I had to do was stand up and share ideas and sit back down.
No tracking tone and body language. No timing their speaking and mine. No having to match faces. No (waves at masking requirements).
Just stand. Basic hand motions. Basic face. Basic friendly tone. And talk. Then take quearions that I wove into the speech. And I sat back down.
It was less stressful than my day to day life because it was perfectly managed. Real life isn't.
And everyone else was stressed AF.
And it hit me. My life for me is like speech class for normal people.
Also helps that I am so used to judgement that it's like 🤪 I did my best mfer can't do better. 😙
But it's exhausting. People don't get why I didn't want to hang out after work. Like I'm done. Tapped out. Dry as a desert rock. I got energy to shower, eat, and curl up under my weighted blanket to go 🫡
I felt the same way! I always justified it by thinking of it as the difference between scripted and spontaneous speech. If I had to talk to classmates spontaneously, it suddenly looked like I barely knew how to interact with people. But if I had to present a topic or read something off of a script... doesn't matter how many people were there, I was at my most comfortable! No need to be afraid of public speaking as long as I've been given the words. It's suddenly talking in real life that's a challenge.
@@kkuudandereInteresting. I also find scripted public speaking easy. I don’t mind lectoring at Mass (reading at church) at all. 🤔
You guys a literally normal people 😂
@@Anthony-ru7sk yeah, we are normal people. nobody said we weren't.
I do sometimes wonder if you're more likely to be diagnosed if you naturally have a stronger will power to be yourself rather than invalidating yourself and convincing yourself everything you do is wrong which also means you're under an extreme amount of pressure to observe and mimick the behaviour of other people/kids around you which evolves in an unconscious process of developing a mask to fit in with the people around you driven by an extreme anxiety around rejection.
Also the more stereotypically nerdy your special interests are (STEM topics especially), vs more socially acceptable topics (sport, cars, celebrities, fashion). The 'nerdy' person is more likely to be identified by themselves and others autistic than the person with more 'normal' and maskable interests.
Only WE know what Masking is
Today I met an ethnic minority neurodivergent bolt driver in Amsterdam. I cried in front of him and told him about my labels. CPTSD and AUD-HD
He drove me around and didn't really even charge me. He said it was quiet and I made him laugh.
He made me feel happy. He reminded me of being in acceptance of oneself. He reminded me that I'm a good person. I secretly hate myself and always did.
He told me he does not care about what anyone thinks unless he loves them. I've been hurt by people who love and hate me
He reminded me today of who I can heal and help more. He was inspired by what I have ensured. I am inspired by his kindness. We both had the same country chocolate bar. We had the same drink.. red bull. Out favourite song is Eminem, Houdini 🎉
I love it when I find someone out and about and proud and alive in our tribe
I hope the next upset neurodivergent that anyone finds is filled with joy and laughter too
I will never forget my driver today. Inshallah may he be blessed with good health, love and joy
Like everyone who has suffered and worries too much. We just learn the art of being UNF@CKwithable.
It's my life goal 🥍 may we all be free from worry, stress and anxiety
Love to all ❤🎉😊
I think that's quite true, but more complicated then that. I've always had a strong willpower to be myself, and assumed I was different. But at the same time, liking theater, I figured soon enough that if I worked on my social skills... people would accept my weirdness a lot better. So I worked hella lot on my social skills (studing theater, storytelling, learning a lot about psychology so I could understand basically every weird thing people did around me)... I still am odd socially, but I'm that a bit weird, funny, gentle guy that jokes around his odness... so basically most people like me. It still costs me a lot of stress, but it works pretty well. But then I saw a therapist and she was like... yeah you're weird, odd, but you've got good social skills so no not autistic, your a weird gifted person. Maybe I'm not, I don't know, I'm going for a second opinion next week... but it's still annoying, because I seem at ease socialy, but honestly, I'm so not.
@@micheals1992 I was diagnosed at 9. My family hid this from me until I was a legal adult at age 19. My sisters revealed it. Not my father. I remember never being able to mask very well. Even through high school. Constantly shutdown. I had to keep attacking myself telling myself I was stupid and crazy. So I could somehow act more normal. It never really worked. Just made me more shutdown after school was over.
I always feel like I'm constantly remaking myself due to the fact I never feel like I fit in. And it makes it difficult to stay at jobs that I constantly have to put up a defense. Idk if that makes sense I honestly don't understand myself.
IT DOES! Thank you. It is like 'I will try being like this and maybe this new person/group will like me'.
That’s why I’m self employed so I can somewhat control interactions and plan recovery times. What you’re good at - monetize it. The world loves our giftedness!
Makes complete sense. I feel like a different person every day. And I noticed too I want to leave my job bc it’s difficult to be myself when ppl start to get to know me better. Now I use it as a path to unmasking - every day I try to work on how I am showing up - I noticed it was like I had 2 different versions of myself. So then I decided to start to make those 2 personalities into one. More and more. I go out into the world, and then come home and observe everything that went on, and why I said the things I did. Not in a self shaming kinda way, but just getting curious about the mask. I didn’t even know it was a mask at first. I just knew I had 2 different versions. I journaled a lot and now I’m kind of excited to take on the challenges now! It’s really good way to grow.
This was a nice sampling of your various guests expressing their experiences and opinions about autistic masking. Well curated and well done, in my opinion. Thanks!
Thanks for this video. I have been masking all my life. It is very exhausting 😢
7:32 Temple Grandin! 😲 I saw her biopic on HBO a few years back. The best autism movie I've seen because it was about her, not the people around her.
Thank you. This was informative. I was diagnosed late in adulthood. I've been trying to figure out what I do that's masking my autism (or myself) and what I do because I was taught that it was good manners. I know that I am never fully relaxed when with other people. However, I don't know that I actually DO anything that's very different, except that I do things at my own pace and on my own schedule. When other people are around I'm on alert to their needs for my attention. That takes a certain level of energy, which I have less of as I get older.
I did try to mask my differentness when I was in school, but as an adult, after listening to a lot of people, I thought high school was a pretty miserable experience for all the students.
It wasn't until I was retired and my relationship broke up that I realized I lacked friends. My colleagues, my family, and my partner (and his family and friends) were providing all the social contact I needed and using up my social energy.
While I was studying for my MBA, I read an article in the Harvard Business Review about masks we all ware, we relate to different people in different situations with our various facets.
Therefore masking, in my opinion, is an element of empathy and emotional intelligence, emotional development.
Personally I can relate to all the 'symtomps' at times, from border line and narcissism to adhd and autism. My narcissistic personality covers up my borderline personality which is activated when my hypersensitive side is triggered which leads to an insecure freeze and autistic avoidance and fawning masks. BUT it all boils down to cptsd, a trauma-embodiment stemming from childhood abuse. When it's activated I have all this 'neurodivergence'. The more I calm down my nervous system the more 'normal' optimistic and outgoing I can be. So to me, all those labels are basically the same family of :"stress putting brain in fight/flight/freeze/shutdown mode or calm and relaxation putting brain in happily loving life mode. So the KEY is to calm down the nervoussystem by all means. Simplifying life, breathwork, meditation, swimming, singing, hugging, going to bed early for a couple of days, keep your agenda open, walk in nature, listen to calming music... whatever works, calm down. Relax your muscles, relax your breath, relax your jaws, relax your brain. Focus on internal safety and calmness. And everything will be allright ❤
oh my god🙄
@@gloriousforever3451 you can only change your reality if you feel totally safe and calm, not if you are in victim mode. Ridicule me all you want. Glorious Forever. I know my experience. I've suffered and struggled and I rise above now.
27:41 Temet nosce - Know yourself
A fantastic daily reminder!
A couple of things are muddled. This is the Latin translation of the Ancient Greek γνῶθι σεαυτόν ('gnothi seauton') which was indeed carved on the Temple of Apollo in Delphi, Greece, along with 'Nothing too much' (aka 'All things in moderation') and 'Give a pledge and trouble is at hand' (meaning disputed, may refer to not making big promises or claims, or standing surety to a loan). 'Know yourself' also had clear meaning in Ancient Greece of 'Know your faults' and 'Know your limits'. Later, especially Plato onward, the meaning centred on knowing the whole of yourself in the more philosophical sense.
Pronounciation: tem-et nos-ke or nos-keh, with the final e being a short breathe-out, rather than a fully pronounced 'ee'.
😉
Thank you so much for your insight.
your work is so beneficial.
So nice of you Michael, I appreciate that!
Did i hear 39?! Thats insane. It's a compliment btw :)
i look 18-19 even when i turn 29 this year.
It’s really something. I’m nearly 40, but people think I’m late 20’s. Part of it is behavior, but also physical features.
@@yippeekiyay6525 - People on the spectrum often look younger for longer. I was still getting carded in my early thirties. Still sound like a teenager on the phone most of the time. I didn’t get a dx until my late 50’s.
@@elisabethm9655 i know that it is a known fact. I also have ASD lvl 1.
But I still get surprised when a 40 year old look 20.
@@jedimasterham2 me too! I just turned 40 and recently had 3 people tell me they thought I was 27. I think I at least look 30 but I am very bubbly and playful. If I see a slide I must go down 🤣. But I also think how I dress can affect it. Sometimes I dress younger and sometimes I dress like a woman in my 40s.
Thank you for this excellent vid Thomas. Seeing and hearing the diversity of experiences of masking across all the interviews and in the chat is really helpful.. Just goes to show we are all individuals first! I got diagnosed at 52, only when a lifetime of masking to survive finally caught up with me!! It’s been an interesting time learning about and testing out who I actually am ever since! But agree with Vince the Anomaly (when I can think about things mindfully!). Once you get to a certain age - no matter how you got there (!)- you feel much less need for validation or approval from others! This has really helped me to reduce my urge/need to mask as much, and just be my autistic self more which has really helped save energy and hopefully reduce future burnout.. 🙏🏼🙏🏼👍🏼👍🏼
As a teacher and parent those comments definitely fit. Teaching 7/8th grade I feel so much more natural talking to them. I can be as random and weird as them and it fit. It was also just great practice in being vocal and having conversation without feeling the need to have it be in some specific form.
At the same time, the way teaching and student behavior is going, it was extremely draining.
I always loved working with 7th and 8th graders! They were so interested in everything.
@marthamurphy3913 Not anymore. They don't care in the slightest about anything. Think they've seen it all on their phone. I taught Audio/Video and Robotics and most were completely "meh" to the class. They worked extremely slow and broke a lot of stuff.
As an elective where the grade and passing really doesn't matter it was more babysitting the random kids dumped into my class to fill their schedule :(.
Thomas, thank you for sharing this video. It highlights the significant harm that masking can cause to mental health, especially when we mask from ourselves. The notion that we can simply "fake it till we make it" has never rung true for me. It's quite detrimental to our well-being.
Here's a reworded version:
Dan from the Aspie World made an insightful comment about observing younger family members, such as your own children, nieces, and nephews. I've had the opportunity to learn from my own grandniblings, and in doing so, I discovered at 52 that I am autistic as well.
Greetings from NYC!
29:00 Thank you for sharing about the feminine style masking. I am holding on desperately for hope for a reason to get out of bed each day. This has sparked an element of curiosity. Thank you for the video and everyone that I shared.
Thank you for this video. I am developing a coaching service that I hope to focus exactly on these topics, in order to address communication challenges in education and professional settings. I would love to hear more from these neurodistinctive viewpoints. My ADHD has some similarities in masking experiences and I want to expand my understanding of others as much as I can. I currently work in college student access, having over twenty years of helping students with having accommodations. I want to work towards helping others have smoother lives
39???? 😮 you look 21 damn! ❤
@@esmeraldagarcia2848 I was thinking the same thing 💗👁️
The fountain ⛲️ of youth fr 🥰
I paused at that point because I completely lost focus after she said that, I wouldn't have guessed
@@Rextone-x2ssame 😆
@@Rextone-x2sme too, I even zoomed in at that point and couldn't find any small wrinkles. I know make-up can't completely cover up every wrinkle, she just seemingly has none. Not one single bit, not even around her eyes 😮 wow she's blessed, I am 33 and get mistaken for mid-twenties often, but THIS youthly face at 39 is bombastic. She must know a secret spell or something. The problem of aging is solved, if she would give a small donation so scientists can multiply whatever rare youth-fountain is in her blood and sell it to people like me 😂 we can live forever and stay looking like 20 forever then ☺
Looking back, I realised I started masking at a young age to cope with a colonised world and system, where are emotions have no place. Always found it easy to make friends, but never really made good friendships and deep connections because naturally I learnt to mirror and mask to fit in the environment around me at any particular time. I think it’s important of knowing for yourself and how your brain works and just know yourself better to. I’m understand things like the need to disconnect and be alone after asking to re-centre and analyse/process what you were masking and why and always asking if I was true to myself or did/ acted in a way I don’t like but in the moment was in autopilot and trying to blend in. Also learnt that it’s easy to mask than feeling like you have to explain yourself to people who don’t understand or want to and just throw things back at you. End of the day you only have to explain yourself to you and those you trust and respect
Thank you, Thomas and guests.
Thanks for your work Thomas, it's nice to hear other high-functional people that validate my own experiences. We are not alone :)
I think self-controlled socially adaptive behaviour can be authentic and honest. Not everyone should have as emotionally, physically, spiritually, or intellectually intimate knowledge of us as the closest people in our life.That’s how I describe integrated masking.
The Mac and windows different not less analogy is perfect! Tho I think the opposite, that we are windows and nt are Mac. Mac looks “orderly”, a pleasant to use, all the background processes designed to be hidden, and able to do certain tasks well effortlessly and gracefully; while nd are windows, not as user friendly, need a lot of setting up, sometimes if not managed well it can get viruses or get a bunch of pop ups, significantly affect the quality of life, but on the other hand, it has more potential, a lot of programs on windows that are not compatible with Mac, you can set up components and features catered to your need, you can automate things so that it works for your workflow and boost your efficiency…
wow this video went above & beyond what i was eXpecting i keep watching it over as i did not think i could respect/admire/love u autisties more yet this was truly eye opening/mind opening/heart opening ~ Thomas u have found ur calling plez continue 2b our bridge/lighthouse/a brother in arms eh :)
Do non autistic people mask as well? For example maintaining more eye contact when speaking to a manager or not sharing fringe hobbies with newly met colleagues.
Hello,
I am listening to this video and many others in order to better understand my 2 siblings who have ASD. To answer your question, no we don’t really mask, we just understand which social situations suit which kind of interactions. I am always myself with people, but obviously myself as a manager and myself at home with my family will involve different aspects of my personality. I also have some friends with ASD . One friend in social situations will immediately launch into talking about his special interests at great lengths, interrupt others and not give them a chance to speak.
This can get both boring and frustrating for others sadly and he doesn’t seem able to recognize when he has lost that person’s attention. He doesn’t seem to get that not everyone will find this interesting, and that it is not a reciprocal conversation.
The lady on here who said chit chat is boring, I can relate to, but I see it as social lubricant oil for want of a better description. It makes it easier for different parts ( people) to be able to function together. It seems that masking in order to do this comes at a great energy cost for people with Autism. I might not always be in the mood for it, but I don’t have any difficulty doing it, and sometimes it can be very enjoyable. I hope this goes some way to answering your question.
@@ros1520thanks this is so interesting, as I learn more about myself and autism I sometimes wonder what "not being autistic" actually is. I would say that many autistic people don’t dare mention their special interest because they have learned that others don’t really care. I don’t think I have ever mentioned dinosaurs in conversation for about 22 years. So it’s so exciting if someone lets us. Your friend may have been humoured quite a few times with people feeling it’s too rude to say they aren’t interested in his interest, so he’s never actually learnt that other people don’t care. Whereas I was told to shut up about my interests from an early age.
@@ros1520 thanks for this. As a psychologist I support many people who have traits of autism. I'm trying to understand my clients perspectives more without having to rely on them as sources of knowledge about their autism all the time. Like you, I have many shared experiences with people who are autistic but the impact on my welfare/life is nominal in comparison. That is a very important factor in my opinion.
Temple💗💗💗respect!
You’re all right about it being exhausting. Masking most of the time is a requirement to be able to support myself with my business. I am an artist and artisan chef so I can be myself when I’m in the creative zone. Otherwise- for the events and dinners we design, plan and cater, there are the highly interactive hours and sometimes days with staff then guests. It takes me a week to recover, literally. I walk around feeling otherworldly and literally fall a lot. Does anyone else clutz out after overstimulation? Event on Tuesday, another bad fall last night. It seems each thing we do requires absolute concentration- of course that’s the zone where the magic happens.
you always have the most relatable videos
Really interesting, thanks - it's great to hear such a variety of perspectives and experiences. I know I wasn't masking at 5 and was doing so heavily by 11, so it's been at least 50 years for me. I would love to be able to cut back, but figuring out how is tricky.
What’s with the upside down cross earring?
I am primarily ADHD but I feel there is some ASD in there, this makes me more confident about that.
I totally relate to the masking of your identity. I’ve tried explaining this countless times and I get the typical reply of we all mask and this was from health care professional. Having two daughters diagnosed with autism has make me wonder if I am too
Some good points here and helpful that I could relate to as a late diagnosed adult.
I'm diagnosed autistic and my family still can't accept this and will not do the research to help me work through it and I am often gaslit. I definitely internalise my struggles but that could be because I was also ab*sed when living with my family both D/A and S/A. I got so used to masking that I get overwhelmed and exhausted daily even now and strangely I mask so much that I forget to focus on myself and what I need. :( i was always forced to think of others and what they want or need.
Thank you for this. I've been struggling to understand my 11 yt old. He is extremely smart and handsome. Because of this, I put him in a box, like what I think he should be, but he's not that at all. He shares so many things many of your guests describe about themselves. I've been saying for years I think my son may be autistic but my wife doesn't think so. After seeing this, I know he does. Thank you all 🙏
Super stuff! Thanks Thomas
you have a lot of guests, it is interesting seeing the experiences in a row
I was diagnosed at 39, too ❤
As a female, my whole life has been an awful experience of trying to fit in, not quite getting it right, abandoning the idea of friends, isolation, depression, repeat. My masking game is strong but extremely toxic (for myself) 😢
@@somnolence7 she is??? 39!! like WHAT
@ wat
@@MADDCLOWN Me, diagnosed at 66. There are plenty of women late or never diagnosed
I have been "putting on the human skin" for almost 50 years. It's debilitating and exhausting. I've just recently realized that pretending to be what is NORMAL is not sustainable & it never will be. Time to be me. 😊
19:06 i wish this was my experience as a parent. i am way more anxious now
Thank you or this, I was diagnosed about six months ago and I have 45. It has been painful, understanding that I am autistic at this age has been really complex, especially in interpersonal relationships and especially at work. Now I feel like I can't take any more years of masking because it ruined my mental health, the problem is but I don't know how.
Greeting from Chile
Man... I just got diagnosed March 2024. I've known for like 10 yrs but never thought I'd have the means to pay to get diagnosed so I didn't try. Since I wasn't diagnosed I had a problem with telling people I was autistic but my life got so bad and everyone has always has drug addiction to blame for my situation. So much so that I started to think maybe they were right(knowing they were not. And when I got clean for like 2 plus years and nothing had changed(executive functioning so bad I can't hardly take care of myself), I knew I had to get diagnosed. Quick side note is that an autistic thing? Where I will NOT use I'm autistic as a reason, an excuse, or just at all cuz it would feel dishonest even tho I'm 99% sure I am? Another thing is when narcissistic predators "trick" me into thinking they're my friend, and they keep doing stuff taking advantage of me being too generous and trusting, and even once I kinda figured it out, I can hint that I know, it even tell them I know, doesn't matter, if they are unwilling to admit it(which they always are 100% of the time), I am unable to act upon it as if they did it. I would need evidence... Like the evidence needed in court! If I ever knew for sure, 100% guilty I'd have no problem shutting them out of my life for good... Why? Well I know why... I think about like times something comes up missing and I'm thinking blabla stole it, he was last in here and he was making comments about how much he liked it, it's him it's totally him. But being me I refrain, and so many times I find the thing. And I think about what if I accused him and made a huge scene and he didn't actually do it... I also noticed I over explain because I don't want someone to misunderstand me cuz "wars have been fought over misunderstanding". Back from long tangent, once I got diagnosed I really thought my life was gonna change for the better. I mean, I pay my phone bill when it gets shut off, I live in a trailer parked on the street. So the fact that I was able to save 3000 bucks to see a specialist and actually committed to it, is quite astonishing. Problem is... Nothing changed, nothing good... The first 3 people I told said no your not Jake, that's crazy. 4th person said "oh so you can cheat the government and get disability?" Which is... I wish I could explain how much that hurts so people wouldn't say it. And so after that I told my dad over a text, and he must not have read it... Or maybe he doesn't believe me either. And I haven't told anyone else. So I guess maybe everyone has a lot going on in their lives, i can't expect everyone to stop what they're doing to help me right?
So sorry you had these experiences and you are having such a difficult time 💔
How do us lot find partners? anyone else don't know where to find a neurodivergent partner and NOT mask from the beginning?
Dating on the spectrum is pap.... It's horrid and patronising.
We have a N.Dar. like a gaydar. We know our peeps but where's our platform???
Any developers help pls ❤
@@laynahodgson4994 there is an app called Hiki for this. I’ve not used it but I’ve heard people say good things about it
The Soft App
Mimicking accents quickly! Finally someone else who has mentioned this trait, which has been pretty cringe at times for me. Like there was someone I worked with closely at work and I picked up her verbal habits and some people definitely noticed or I had two weeks of training with someone from London and, after four days, I also had an accent and was spending so much energy trying to stifle it. For me, it came fairly unconsciously and usually happened with people I was more focused on. It makes me nervous to work closely like that with others again because the mirroring of the other person is really... unsettling? It's unsettling not only to myself but also to other people 🥲
Similar here…stressful, but I just own it.
I believe I know what you mean (as a fellow autistic mimic.) I'm sorry it's something that has caused you distress at work. In my case, none of my clients have accents for me to inadvertently adopt, lol, but I will definitely pick up accents from TV shows or movies and not be able to shut them off easily. For example, awhile back I watched the show True Blood with my wife and had the southern drawl for three weeks straight, lol. Thankfully my wife loves me as I am and gets a kick out of my echolalia but I was getting some strange looks from others for awhile. 😂 Hope the best for you in finding a way to navigate your situation at work, though, because that does sound very tricky.
@@MLindsey222 I think maybe it’s an effort to socialize and establish social identity.. We’re constantly and subconsciously searching for the keys to social connection. Echoing a speech style is a way of saying that we want to identify with the other person. Of course, it usually comes off as weird, if not offensive to NT people who mistake this behavior for mockery or whatever.
@@elisabethm9655 I agree! Hadn't thought of it like that but it makes a lot of sense. 👍
@@MLindsey222 thank you
Great compilation.
Thank you so much
Would love to know the percentages of parents and or siblings also autistic - the prevalence ???
I’m by myself right now without a mask. My true self is a flat affect, metallic voice with a cup of coffee. In public I’m never not masking. It may not be a great mask but I’m always taking into consideration what the people around me need.
Curious question...off main topic...
what are your thoughts about sensory mapping of environments, specifically working environments?
Omg the girl that came on at 9:05 reminds me of Teal Swan!
The going places alone vs with a kid is exactly the opposite for me. I like going places on my own because I feel in control. When I’m with my toddler, I don’t like going out (especially new places) because I’m afraid of how I’ll be able to “control” him.
Grandins book may not be sth I like but she is quite informed on the topic as someone with asd myself.
I’ve become so traumatized by masking and the near constant belittling by neurotypicals that I stopped masking and I try not to interact with them anymore which is really difficult when you have kids
Most people who know me do not know that I have high-functioning Autism. I mask it as well as I can.
🤔 I guess I mask like a female autistic because I am told all the time when I tell people I have autism that they would have had no idea if I didn't say anything. I was wondering if I would relate to what anyone is saying in these videos but not really until "masking like a female" did I have a moment where I was like "oh okay yeah that's like me"
Though I am still just waiting for someone to say masking isn't draining or bad for their mental health because for me it's really not. I just do it, I don't even unmask every time when I am alone because masking unmasking, meh I don't care if I am or am not, sometimes I will unmask sometimes I won't. Like I am listening to this at my custodian job. Building is completely empty, am I unmasked? Nah I don't really feel like unmasking, so I am not unmasking. Makes no difference to me, it's really not tiring or draining or whatever these people say it is for them.
We live in a great big reality TV show. This world is not here for our benefit.
at time 10:35 I think you reversed the pix above the names etc or the names are reversed but we all got ya! :) Thanks for this!
I’m new to my diagnosis at 40. Idk if it’s my age or what… but I’m still trying to grasp that other people feel this. And the worst part is the people that don’t believe you. I’m really trying to understand why.
28:58 sometimes I tell people I’m comfortable with.. I am the feminine form of high masking autistic..
If masking is not being who you are can someone juxtapose masking v non masking personality
I have to say, and I tend to say things that make people uncomfortable, that pretty much anybody could say, well, i'm autistic, but I've just been masking. Personally I cannot effectively mask. It's too exhausting. No, I do not behave differently at a conference than I do in private, other than being very nervous. I'm more comfortable in private, and people at a conference definitely meet me and immediately realize that i'm not the person they imagined, i.e. I'm weirder than they imagined.
So if you're autistic and you effectively mask, are you really autistic? I mean possibly yes, but then again everybody could say, "Oh, i've just been masking." So how do you know for sure, if a person is NOT autistic? Maybe they're just angry and have found a way that they think they can annoy everybody else.
I'm definitely willing to change my mind about this...
And if i'm just a loser for not being able to mask, please tell me how to mask. The one thing I do know is the mechanics of how to be polite, that's about as far as I go to masking. Well, I also do have a lot of empathy for people who come to me in pain, but that's not masking, that's just real.
BTW I'm female, my whole life.
You are overthinking it. Yes, many autistics mask, and it is hard work. But we are generally pretty bad at masking. No matter how late-diagnosed or non-stereotypical we are, neurotypicals can spot us within seconds (Actual Science). They may not consciously recognise us as autistic, but they immediately us as different (unfortunately usually in a way they don't like). Even high-masking people have plenty of stories of feeling lonely, left out and struggling with social situations and friendships.
I think I have had an easier time as an adult due to finding friends and a career through my interests, and by chance the people were heavily skewed neurodivergent and neurodivergent-friendly. In order to understand how autism differs from neurotypicals, I have struggled with trying to think of who I know would be neurotypical! I mostly have to think of people peripheral to my life years ago.
What is masking? Masking is when I pretend to be normal so that you don't notice my struggles. I mimic your personality when I'm with you. I don't know who to mimic when I am with more than one person.
@@hartplanet356 this is how I feel
Funny, I’m Aspie autistic, and I’m actually wearing a mask right now!
Can you link her channel?
im 37, neurodivergent, took a test for autism and doubled the score needed, adhd, uhm... I didn't see a doctor about any of this until my mid 30's so.. Yeah, I learned to mask at a very young age as a survival mechanic / trying to appear normal to my peers and like.. honestly it sucks~
Thomas are you wearing an upside down cross earring?
Interestingly, “masking” has never been effective for me; too autistic, I guess. People just dislike me all the time for, from my perspective, no discernible reason I can sense or control. My (less neurodivergent) teenage son tells me I come off as a “know-it-all professor”, which is absolutely not anything I’ve ever tried for, but I guess I also didn’t NOT try for that, if that makes sense??? It makes me sad if I hurt people’s feelings, but it aggrievates me when people seem determined to take offense because I… smiled? Rolled my eyes? Used a five-syllable word that there is an adequate 2 syllable synonym for? FFS, be offended, then, I guess… 🤷♀️
I used to care about people with Autism until I started looking around and realizing everybody seems to have it and its really annoying and I ain't nobody got time for that
There's still disbelief. I don't think anyone will buy it I masked so well.. I isolated, like a lot alot of isolation.
I have a huge problem knowing when i mask.
Fifteen people who claim autism. It's become very popular to be autistic, hasn't it.
🎭
I don't know what you mean by hiding your true self. That implies that you know where your behavior is not normal and implies that you could do something about it. Neither of those makes any sense.
The Scripting,drives me crazy.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I find it weird that we are trying to find all these definitions and diagonsis for people who can't fit in, wjen in actuality they can't fit into a broken and sick system and society. Being well adjusted to an sich society isn't a sign of mental health.
The experience of having autism in my family, in varying degrees, has led me to understand that comparing myself to the child with the best combo of genes is basically an impossible standard and a huge tactical error. So here is what my straining and failing to mask have taught me: People can know a label and they still will not understand you or your problems, that's a fact. That is not something that we can change, and I need to be okay with that. I am from Temple's generation, and she has said about how the emphasis then was on taking turns and doing hard things as an important aspect of growing up. The advantage I had is that my big family was a microcosm of the world. So I understood that for me, it wouldn't solve my problems to know exactly what my brain issue was. In order to walk bravely in my own shoes, I have increased my expectations of myself, and lessened what I expect from other people. I need always to focus on what we all have in common. And I need to keep a low profile for my own safety. I will assess my own performance, and try and ignore the judgements of other people (keeping in mind that the witness of bystanders is notoriously unreliable)...
Pink hair woman looks 25 not over 39 😮
YEAS I was shocked
Any thoughts on this AI definition of masking?
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"Masking" refers to the act of concealing or hiding one's true feelings, behaviors, or identity, often by deliberately acting in a way that conforms to social expectations, essentially putting on a facade to fit in with others; it is most commonly associated with individuals on the autism spectrum who might suppress their natural behaviors to appear more "normal" in social situations.
Key points about masking:
Intentional or unconscious:
While masking can be a conscious effort to blend in, it often happens unconsciously as a coping mechanism to avoid negative social feedback.
Social pressure:
People might mask to avoid judgement or discrimination based on their differences.
Emotional toll:
The constant effort to maintain a facade can lead to exhaustion, stress, and mental health issues.
Examples of masking behaviors:
Forcing eye contact when it feels uncomfortable
Mimicking others' facial expressions or mannerisms
Suppressing stimming behaviors (repetitive movements)
Changing one's voice tone to sound more "normal"
Avoiding discussing personal interests that might be considered "different"
Masking (personality) -
Wikipedia
Individuals may mask in certain social situations, such as job interviews or dates, or around people of different cultures, identities, or ethnicities. Since di...
Wikipedia
Autistic people and masking - National Autistic Society
Jul 7, 2022 - To 'mask' or to 'camouflage' means to hide or disguise parts of oneself in order to better fit in with those around you. It is an unconscious strateg...
National Autistic Society
What is Masking? | Charlie Health
May 19, 2023 - Maintaining a facade of well-being while dealing with internal struggles can be emotionally and mentally draining. The constant effort required to a...
Charlie Health
Masking - National Autistic Society
using facial expressions, perhaps by mirroring others', that wouldn't come naturally to you. forcing yourself to make eye contact or monitoring how much eye con...
National Autistic Society
What You Need to Know About Masking in Mental Health
Daniel B. Block, MD, is an award-winning, board-certified psychiatrist who operates a private practice in Pennsylvania. Morsa Images / Getty Images. “Masking” r...
Verywell Mind
Masking | Psychology Today
In practice, camouflaging behaviors may look like someone with autism forcing themselves to make eye contact at work, using memory techniques to remember approp...
Psychology Today
Generative AI ...
DON'T MISS 💔 THE END OF THIS VIDEO....
I believe I lost a marriage of over 26 years because of misunderstanding.
Why focus on masking for autism when anyone with a health problem will mask or not mention their ailment?
I don’t go around telling people about my Diabetes, Hypothyroidism or CFS and RA.
Because its not an ailment? It’s a different way of being. Autism or neurodiversity is not a disease. The way you frame your question is incorrect.
I’ll watch this later but first thing that stood out to me was the thumbnail and the severe lack of diversity. Hope this gets touched upon in the video but good topic!
@minxxoxo Completely irrelevant
@ a POC May have an added layer of masking because they have to worry about coming across a certain way. How is that irrelevant to explaining masking to their life experience?
@@minxxoxo Thomas is a Northern European, in Northern Europe. So guess what, most of the content creators he engages with are also Northern European or of Northern European ancestry