Simon, your first mistake was letting Danny out of the basement for that 15 minutes of sunlight. Now he's got all kinds of "opinions" and "aspirations of freedom".
Do your eyes tear up too, when you really need to pee and then pee really hard with like lots of pressure and that relief you get from the pee shooting into the old homeless man's open mouth...? Do your eyes tear up too?
To be fair, it's not "HOW To Kill a Mockingbird" is it? Ah, fuck it, it's a pretty shit book anyway, any book that you're required to read in school is shit
@@peculiarpangolin4638 As usual I am confused. The deer was stand at the side of the road and jumped between my truck and my boat as I drove past at 60 MPH. Ripped off my strolling motor, and running light and cracked the top of the hull. Didn't do the deer much good either. Thank goodness I pictures of the deer to show the insurance company, cause nobody would believe the story.
My favorite reviews, which you can find everywhere, not just Amazon, are the ones where people give the product a bad review for something that has nothing to do with the product. For example: I bought this A/C unit for my grandpa and he dropped it on his foot - 1 Star.
Ahem, speaking as a weird old lady with 17 cats and "no life" I must say... nevermind. You're right; we're dreadful people. I don't even need to read an ominous crafts-book to avoid people sitting next to me on public transportation. The overwhelming amount of loose cat hair drifting about me and the pervasive smell of litterbox drives away most would-be bystanders... which is the POINT! Well done, cats. Well done.
I had ONE SMALL regdoll cat for 22 years. My wife at the time informed me that one small longhair sheds enough to knit another cat every day. Seventeen? You need some automation to spin yarn and weave it into cloth. If you knit, you might have difficulty keeping up. Once you spin it into yarn, you can sell thousands of yards of yarn and hundreds of yards of cloth a week to people who want cat yarn or cat wool. It's soft, and can be slightly iridescent. Yes, I considered this. Then, he died of old age, and the next cat I adopted was a short hair. Oh. if you want the unmistakable scent of cat musk, get litter that doesn't absorb odor. Concentrated cat musk is horrible. You put some clothes in the bottom of a litter box and lightly cover it with ground clay, and you will have clothes that can empty a tube car rapidly. If you wear an activated charcoal mask, you'll be fine, until you strip to shower. You may need an ozone generator once in a while.
I'm all of 6 minutes in and already I know what Danny needs to write up next. Weirdest products on Amazon. I NEED to see what Danny manages to find after casually dropping pickle flavored lip balm and a Godzilla garden gnome, I NEED to see Simon react to them, and I ABSOLUTELY REQUIRE PICTURES.
I used to wonder if, before making a "Brain Blaize" episode, if Simon snorted cocaine or smoked crack, but today I finally realized that Simon's over the top snarky and manic behavior could very well be a calculated "act" to appeal to a target audience.
Well at least that means it’s not just mine. I look up so many random things that people around me tend to start asking me random questions before googling them, and then sometimes ask how to actually find something when it’s separate words and right... okay. “It’s like this”. Also scholar.google.com if you don’t want buzzfeed style research btw.
Just went and gave their wedding album a listen and made it exactly 1 minute into part 1 and want to put an ice pick through my ear drums so thanks for giving me that horrible idea Simon.....
Do you think we could get a Business Blaze branded bull whip as merch? Black leather with a little red and orange cracker on the end and "Allegedly" on the handle?
Danny! We've heard your cries for help! Stay strong and keep making these wonderful scripts and we'll keep trying to get you out of Simon's basement! Some day ... Right after we save Sam the Editor from Simon's attic!
Simon reading his child a bedtime story, rating the likelihood of the baby being eaten by wild animals at 6mo as opposed to 20yrs, doesn’t really surprise me. That kid is going to be very interesting when they hit school age 😂
I have the other books like where is baby's pumpkin and where is baby hiding lol my kids favorite books. Been reading them over and over for about 5 years now.
They do love those lift-the-flap books. They’ll ignore more age appropriate books, and go lift those flaps even though they’ve seen what’s underneath 2,486,017 times🤷♀️
Regarding children's books, I got so fed up with reading Charlie and Lola that I started reading the story in the opposite way to how it had been written, ie if they said they loved a toy elephant, I said they hated it's guts and punted it into a corner. My daughter fell about laughing, and then every request for a story was to read it that way!
My mom used to do this. I particularly enjoyed her version of Cinderella, mostly because even as a small child I hated that story. Sadly, I cannot remember how she changed it but it was very entertaining.
Dear Simon, for Clarification: true Random: random numbers generated by Natural objects like mesuring radioactive elements. pseudorandom: random numbers generated by a computer, that are not truely random, because they are generated by a complex formula to appear random.
Preach. It doesn't matter how fancy your triple DES encryption is when meet in the middle is an option. Especially when the seed used the generate the key is pseudo random and limits the search space.
Yeah, I'm a programmer and occasionally use pseudorandom passwords being forced on users for certain systems as well as making encryption code and trying to explain the difference for me rarely works well. Peoples eyes glaze over far too quickly. Even our IT manager and staff are the same.
I've heard countless BackBlaze ads, but this was the first one that actually made me start to think about seriously looking into it. Ads and sponsors are such a major factor in TH-camrs' (not to mention other formats) lives, yet they're usually expected to stay on a very tight script or talking points. Simon and his goofy banter just sold me better than any script for BackBlaze I've heard yet. Sponsors, give Simon all your money!
In 1998, for a Wizard of Oz listing on TCM, writer Rick Polito wrote, “Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.”
Imagine wearing that in public and the people who don't watch business blaze just like why TF is that person wearing a shirt with a bald man torturing someone and the word allegedly above it?
"You have to learn this trigonometry to figure out the height of buildings!" Me, an aspiring architect about to start college: "hello, Darkness, my old friend...."
Stay out of engineering, surveying, building, off-shore sailing, civils, mining, boat construction, astrophysics and space science.. Astrology is a safe haven from trig. Crystalography is not.
This was originally a random thought that popped through my head at that moment during the video. Im actually sort of good at trig. Its algebra I suck at XD I cant believe this got liked by the channel. ALL HAIL THE BLAZE!
A few years in the future. Kindergarten Teacher: Your child is doing well except they have a habit of writing numbers instead of spelling out the names of different animals. Simon: What did they put for wolves? Teacher: uh, 10. Simon: Agreeable.
I used to more listen to it in the background while doing other stuff, but now I have to watch it through or risk missing Sam’s A-grade memes & editing. On the plus side it makes the rewatch value very high. *insert start quote about not being a total loser, just a bit of a loser*
I worked at Amazon for 18 years, half of those in the department that moderated customer reviews. It was the most fun job I'd ever had. Tuscan Milk, the R C Hummer (during the M. Lewinski scandal) and the Harry Potter vibrating broom kept us on our toes and gave us uncountable laughs.
Can we all agree that the most metal part of the Bible was when they literally tried to build a Stairway to Heaven? I mean these characters must have really loved Led Zepplin to want to do that.
Wait, was it like an iron or steel staircase to heaven? Because otherwise I'm pretty sure there are parts with more metal in them than that one... At any rate I think the author of that part must have been exaggerating his own experiences trying to put together a ladder so he could reach the top cupboard in his kitchen.
@@js66613 There is a story in the Bible where humans try and build a tower to heaven to overthrow God. God basically finds this idea amusing and just makes every family speak a different language as a form of punishment that makes continuing the tower impossible. This story is called the Tower of Babel, and that is what I was joking about.
My daughter has a Yellie! It is HILARIOUS she scared of real spiders, but she finds this one hilarious. Watching her talk to the cute fuzzy spider is adorable. She is 7. Probably wouldn’t have worked if she wasn’t brave though 🤔 she is the kind of kid who cries with fear while making herself do something she wants to try anyways! Can’t fathom *where* she gets that determination from... 😆
Simon you have to read this children’s book, it’s called Brenda’s Beaver Needs a Barber, this is definitely a must read for all Business Blaze subscribers, enjoy.
Absolutely this book is amazingly fucked up. There was a chick here in Australia reading online to her sister named Brenda it took her ages cause she kept cracking.
Honestly your sponsors should be thanking you. I take your recommendations a million times more seriously than others because you can tell they are GENUINE. Much better chance of getting customers with an ad presented like you do than their usual "talking points" Edit: ALLEGEDLY!
Just as entertaining as the reviews is also the customer questions AND the answers to the customer questions. SO many people answer the customer questions with some variation of “I don’t know”.🤦♀️
Backblaze saved my life last night! I have been using them since they sponsored another of Simon's videos a few years ago (I believe a Today I Found Out episode), and I was able to recover a super important file I accidentally deleted yesterday. Easy and way less expensive than what I was using before. Worth every penny for the insane relief of getting that file back safe and sound. Huge thanks to Backblaze and Simon!
Joshua Sweetvale And some puns age like a fine wine, especially this one, as Yoko just gets worse and worse and devolves ever further into a writhing, screaming, yodeling puddle of throat noises and throbbing vocal polyps.
The Veet hair removal cream reviews, made by unfortunate male victims of this evil product, are hilarious to read. I stumbled upon these reviews whilst looking for solidarity, after foolishly trying out this product myself; which is akin to chemically cauterizing your holy of holies with commercially available napalm, producing 4th degree burns. It was the first and last time in my life that I've ever screamed in a sustained soprano and 'little Ted' and his two pals have never forgiven me since. The shame of having to taxi my glowing gonads around in a wheelbarrow filled with ice cubes, will haunt me to my grave.
Sir, I feel your pain (metaphorically speaking!) so as a form of compensation, just in case you've been living on Mars for the last ten years and have missed this gem, have a look here (and no, it's not a Rick Roll ;-) ) www.amazon.com/review/R2JGNJ5ZPJT4YC
When Yoko is mentioned I'm always reminded of the brilliantly titled "A Small Eternity With Yoko Ono" from Frank Zappa's Playground Psychotics album. A later release of "not good enough for a normal release" set of jams from Fillmore East when John and Yoko joined the Mothers on stage and Lennon later ripped off as his own compositions.
I must say, as much as I love your videos, this was amazing! I don't know why, but it was so fulfilling to hear you yell at John and Yoko. And as addicted as I am to TopTenz, my coworkers are probably grateful I have become obsessed with Blaze. After 30 min I can't remember all the things I wanted to share with them the next day. I love you guys and, Simon, your voice has become part of my daily life. Keep up the work!!♡♡♡
I lived on a sailboat for a number of years. I'll never forget the day I was transiting the Pacific shipping lanes on my way out to the Channel Islands of California. We were hit by heavy fog in the middle of the shipping lane, and about an hour later we started hearing some very strange noises. All of a sudden something the size of a building came crashing out of the mist in our direction. It took some interesting maneuvers to not hit that particular huge ship. I don't think the book would have helped honestly, but throwing it at the container vessel would have made me feel better.
I actually have my whole company backing up to BackBlaze now, thanks to one of your channels probably TIFO! So much cheaper per gigabyte per month than Amazon S3. On the subject of reviewing weird kids books, John Oliver and Co's alternative book about Pence's rabbit was an amazon bestseller for a while.
For the cat hair book, (I never thought I would use those two words together in my life), the cat is fascinated by his/her own smell on the little toy. "How the f . . k did I get over there?"
I have a super funny story inspired by the comment at 25:10, "And we're all buying new bibles". I play an atheist elvan blood huntress in a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. We had just found out the prime minister of the city we were visiting had been possessed by the horseman, Death, and I deadpan said "And we're all buying new bibles. Wonderful." The entire group (our dungeon master/narrator included) broke into laughter, and I got an inspiration point for the comment. Thank you Simon! Improving the world, one blaze at a time. XD
My sister got it for me for Christmas. It's fantastic. I keep it on my table so I can see it every day. Plus I don't want it to get stolen from my yard.
That Yoko Ono impression was epic! I seriously hope part two has the hair removal review, that is quite possibly the best and hilarious Amazon review ever and if it's not, I'll be slightly disappointed
The reviews on Amazon for the sugar free gummy bears are beyond hilarious. I start crying after the first 10 or so, and can never get through them all.
This was an excellent blaze. Just finished morning chores. Time for lunch then more blaze. Can’t wait for the second part. I also went to religious school (college) And I desperately appreciate your mockery of religion.
You don't need quantum mechanics to make something genuinely random. Just have the input to generate the number be from a genuinely random physical event. I've made genuine random number generators myself. You could make one that uses the static on an old TV that isn't tuned to any station. Or I guess a radio would do as well. Or thermal noise, which is just the vibrations of charged particles caused by heat. Which is something that every electronic circuit is going to pick up and most circuits have a lot of design put into eliminating interference from this noise. It's harder to get rid of interference from thermal noise in a circuit than it is to create it. You could even make a random number generator that uses the motion of particles in a cup of tea as input. Which, I think was in a Douglas Adams book, if I recall correctly. Since all of these things are genuinely random and not just pseudorandom, mathematically generated values, you could get an actual random number out of them. And no fancy quantum mechanical devices needed. Although admittedly, quantum mechanics does have a role to play with all of the above, but that's just because q-mech is intrinsic to damn near everything in the universe. I'm just saying, it's a lot easier than you think. It's just not implemented much because computers can do math easier and I guess it's just cheaper and more simple to use straight up math.
@@VoidHalo Spot on. And you probably know, but just because I thought it was interesting, and some less informed may not know, they also use lava lamps for this. Or did anyway, it's been a few since I last saw a new paper about using them, but same basic idea as the others.
@@VoidHalo but as a printed book, its no longer random, as the numbers never change places. they seem to be in a random order, but its just shuffled , and always in the same order after that. hence it can only really be pseudo random, unless the book had some power to re-write itself. which is what i assume the OC's "quantum-tech-powered book" would be capable of doing as its supposed to be a printed book, not an ebook.
@@Dreddy72 That's not what it means by pseudorandom. Pseudorandom means it was generated by a mathematical algorithm and the sequence can be reproduced if you know that alrgorithm. Actual random numbers are generated chaotically and any slight change to any one variable determining the values will skew the sequence beyond recognition and can never be reproduced by the original conditions that produced it. It has nothing to do with whether the printed numbers themselves can change or not. You should look into randomness more deeply. It's actually a really fascinating subject and very counterintuitive. What one tends to think of as a random sequence is actually very non-random and vice versa. It's very bizarre. I think you would enjoy it very much. Cheers.
Well, I did say I would sit through 30 minutes of Simon lampooning Amazon reviews. You did not disappoint. A very small part of me was hoping that Danny found one of my troll reviews but Amazon does have a lot of junk so my anonymity should be safe.
Honestly the only things i've watched in the past 2 weeks have just been Simon or his separate channels 🤷♂️ I'm not mad My recommended feed is just: Business blaze, geo, top ten, bb, top ten, geo, and so on 😂 Thank you Simon!
I kind of want there to be a Simon "master channel" that archives ALL of his videos from ALL of his channels so I can just see every thing he puts out in sequence. (Unfortunately it would be tough to monetize that.)
Blaze your blazing backup with Backblaze and get a 15 day free trial! Legendary: backblaze.com/blaze
Wtf I was about to say you're part one and I'm number one guess I'm four days too late.
Instructions unclear, blazed backups. Fire Department is en route
I had backblaze and my Dr gave me some pills and was good to go in a week.
You forgot to mention: "no basement prisoners were harmed whilst making this video"
@@shortydiver brilliant!
Simon, your first mistake was letting Danny out of the basement for that 15 minutes of sunlight. Now he's got all kinds of "opinions" and "aspirations of freedom".
when Danny is put back in the basement that Yoko Ono album will be on loop...that's what he gets for defying his business daddy...
@@doranconall9995 what a sadistic person you are... But he was a bad boy and needs it.
@@doranconall9995 Yoko Oko covering the Sounds of Silence.
Had I been drinking anything just now, I would’ve choked on it!
Still on page one and Simon's already pissed; score one for Danny!
“How to avoid huge ships” is so much better than those other click bait books like “To Kill a Mockingbird”, which are not instructional at all.
id imagine a rock and good aim is all you need.
Do your eyes tear up too, when you really need to pee and then pee really hard with like lots of pressure and that relief you get from the pee shooting into the old homeless man's open mouth...? Do your eyes tear up too?
To be fair, it's not "HOW To Kill a Mockingbird" is it?
Ah, fuck it, it's a pretty shit book anyway, any book that you're required to read in school is shit
@@gensaikawakami341 nah i actually really like that book, had to read it in middle and highschool and liked it both times
facts man never even mentioned a mockingbird the whole book
I’ve got a scar on my forehead from walking into a boat, on land, in Kansas. Those things can come out of nowhere
Might be a problem around the Aral Sea as well.
Once hit a deer with my boat on land.😯
@@dadillen5902 Then he should have been reading that book, shouldn't he have?
@@peculiarpangolin4638 As usual I am confused. The deer was stand at the side of the road and jumped between my truck and my boat as I drove past at 60 MPH. Ripped off my strolling motor, and running light and cracked the top of the hull. Didn't do the deer much good either. Thank goodness I pictures of the deer to show the insurance company, cause nobody would believe the story.
I KNOW!!! It’s so true!!!
My favorite reviews, which you can find everywhere, not just Amazon, are the ones where people give the product a bad review for something that has nothing to do with the product. For example: I bought this A/C unit for my grandpa and he dropped it on his foot - 1 Star.
lol
Those people are the worst though. Like “Postman kicked the shit out of the box. Arrived damaged. Didnt even bother to enquire about a refund. 1 star”
haha lol
I hear from the other room "are you watching that bald guy again?" Yes...yes I am....
I get that as well
same!!
Yup same here too
@@damonk666 So, am I the only person on this Earth who uses headphones?
I get this constantly. 🤣🤣🤣
Ahem, speaking as a weird old lady with 17 cats and "no life" I must say... nevermind. You're right; we're dreadful people. I don't even need to read an ominous crafts-book to avoid people sitting next to me on public transportation. The overwhelming amount of loose cat hair drifting about me and the pervasive smell of litterbox drives away most would-be bystanders... which is the POINT! Well done, cats. Well done.
I had ONE SMALL regdoll cat for 22 years. My wife at the time informed me that one small longhair sheds enough to knit another cat every day. Seventeen? You need some automation to spin yarn and weave it into cloth. If you knit, you might have difficulty keeping up. Once you spin it into yarn, you can sell thousands of yards of yarn and hundreds of yards of cloth a week to people who want cat yarn or cat wool. It's soft, and can be slightly iridescent. Yes, I considered this. Then, he died of old age, and the next cat I adopted was a short hair. Oh. if you want the unmistakable scent of cat musk, get litter that doesn't absorb odor. Concentrated cat musk is horrible. You put some clothes in the bottom of a litter box and lightly cover it with ground clay, and you will have clothes that can empty a tube car rapidly. If you wear an activated charcoal mask, you'll be fine, until you strip to shower. You may need an ozone generator once in a while.
21 cats here. Plus 3 feral colonies. Cat hair is an ingredient. Such is life
.......I love all of you people. Cats are love, cats are life, my cats are my children.
awesome 😁
Hilariously sincere and genuine. Kudos 👏
As soon as Simon did the Yoko Ono bit my cat ran out of the room.
It's cause the imitation was so good she tough it was the real album.
Tbf, I was tempted to leave the room too
As soon as my ex played the real thing I left the room myself.
Good
Mine looked around for the sound and after he meowed for a bit while continuing to look the mystery sound.
"The louder he screamed, the faster the spider moved toward him." I laughed so hard but that must be so terrifying to a small child.
Hearing Simon say "it's ya Boi with the blaze" is the best the thing since Ali G.
Yes!!! Like when Doug demuro says THIS.... whenever he starts a car review. Great guy
Max Davidson oml IPO lolio olll
EmperorJuliusCaesa BBB r
Koolbmho
EmperorJuliusCaesar
M
I want a video where Danny orders weird products off Amazon, and Simon opens and reacts to them on camera.
Your yoko is astonishingly accurate mate! You could take that on tour! 😂
David Gers Just when you think Simon cannot get more epic he channels Yoko. Who’s next, Omarosa?
Yes, I really felt like dancing to the beat and the funky melody once Simon started doing his Yoko imitation! 😂
Maybe even better 😁
He surpasses the original.
I was thinking he was just exaggerating and then he played her clip.
"It's just a bit s*** isn't it?"
New T-shirt. Bam. You're welcome.
I NEED IT!
I'm all of 6 minutes in and already I know what Danny needs to write up next.
Weirdest products on Amazon. I NEED to see what Danny manages to find after casually dropping pickle flavored lip balm and a Godzilla garden gnome, I NEED to see Simon react to them, and I ABSOLUTELY REQUIRE PICTURES.
Zebra sex mask
@@maxk4324 what...? I mean, like, in the name of Holy Zebra the Powerful WHAT THE QUACK...? OUGH, I second the motion.
@@Dorcolac990 Simon got one and wore it at the beginning of a video...
I have the godzilla garden gnome....
@@maxk4324 OG Legends know
I'm so used to hearing Simon speak all proper and mostly serious. Hearing him swear and being all lighthearted blew my mind, it's awesome
I used to wonder if, before making a "Brain Blaize" episode, if Simon snorted cocaine or smoked crack, but today I finally realized that Simon's over the top snarky and manic behavior could very well be a calculated "act" to appeal to a target audience.
Honestly, considering the audience of this channel, they should have gone with "/allegedly".
why not Blazelegedly
Backblaze.com/allegedly actually works tho and it has a nod to us as well 😂
@@uniquenormalcy. You are absolutely right. Thanks for letting us now.
I agree. We're all degenerates here lol.
@@uniquenormalcy. Backblaze has officially joined the ranks of absolute legends!
I’ve been watching YT with my cat sleeping next to me for over an hour, your rendition of Yoko’s music startled him awake, he was visibly concerned
I love your eyeshadow. 😀
Of course Danny had to write the script. What else is he going to do on the basement?
You do NOT want to know
ALLEGEDLY
He's allegedly in the basement
He will eat blue cheese and chocolate cake pizza...
@@MAashChick by the power not vested in me, I hereby declare you the winner of this thread.🏆
I am an online vendor, and the funniest review i have ever seen was: *"Seller forgot Postal code, had to pick it from the border"*
I tried /allegedly instead of /blaze and it said "welcome business blaze fans". Allegedly.
I did this too and it sure does!
Allegedly
backblaze.com/allegedly to make it easy to test. it might work, allegedly😊
It fecking DOES 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@JacquelineUnderwood You're a legend!
This made my day.
Simon imitating Yoko was spot on. Thanks, I needed that to pick up my day. OH, he did it again. Wow, so good.Thanks Simon.
I can only imagine how eclectic Danny's search history must be...
#FreeDanny
Imagine all the people...
#FreeDannysSearchHistory
"FBI wants to know Danny's location."
Thanks to Simon he's definitely on a list or two, probably more
Well at least that means it’s not just mine. I look up so many random things that people around me tend to start asking me random questions before googling them, and then sometimes ask how to actually find something when it’s separate words and right... okay. “It’s like this”.
Also scholar.google.com if you don’t want buzzfeed style research btw.
Just went and gave their wedding album a listen and made it exactly 1 minute into part 1 and want to put an ice pick through my ear drums so thanks for giving me that horrible idea Simon.....
*Simon whips Danny*
Danny, externally: I'm sorry master!
Danny, internally: harder!
No, no, no, - that last line should have been "Harder Business Daddy!"
@@kattstanley4337 Oh god yes!
@@rorrodeh and there's the next line!
Do you think we could get a Business Blaze branded bull whip as merch? Black leather with a little red and orange cracker on the end and "Allegedly" on the handle?
@@kattstanley4337 Can we have handcuffs, too?
Danny! We've heard your cries for help! Stay strong and keep making these wonderful scripts and we'll keep trying to get you out of Simon's basement! Some day ... Right after we save Sam the Editor from Simon's attic!
You're gonne get copyright striked by Yoko Ono's lawyers for sure. That cover was spot on.
Anyone else super happy these videos are being sponsored?? I don't use them... but I really want this channel to keep going.
Simon reading his child a bedtime story, rating the likelihood of the baby being eaten by wild animals at 6mo as opposed to 20yrs, doesn’t really surprise me. That kid is going to be very interesting when they hit school age 😂
I pity her teachers. And Simon and his wife at the first parent-teacher conference.
@@maeverobertson1108 I feel like Simon's kid would be the snarky one correcting the teachers when they are wrong. xD
bluesira as someone who used to be that kid, teachers hate that.
Roosevelt Brentwood but fellow students love them 😂
Canadian Dee hah! you make me wish i was in your class
I own that book (Where is Baby’s Bellybutton), and my almost-two-year-old son can’t get enough of it. 14/10 will read ten million more times.
I have the other books like where is baby's pumpkin and where is baby hiding lol my kids favorite books. Been reading them over and over for about 5 years now.
They do love those lift-the-flap books. They’ll ignore more age appropriate books, and go lift those flaps even though they’ve seen what’s underneath 2,486,017 times🤷♀️
Regarding children's books, I got so fed up with reading Charlie and Lola that I started reading the story in the opposite way to how it had been written, ie if they said they loved a toy elephant, I said they hated it's guts and punted it into a corner. My daughter fell about laughing, and then every request for a story was to read it that way!
Zappa Wench ......."Charlie and Lola".....sounds like a story about a transvestite who takes cocaine......what could go wrong there?
Zappa Wench I do this with little cousins. I am now convinced it is the proper way of reading them.
@@remlatzargonix1329 "Charley stole the handle"
My mom used to do this. I particularly enjoyed her version of Cinderella, mostly because even as a small child I hated that story. Sadly, I cannot remember how she changed it but it was very entertaining.
Dear Simon, for Clarification:
true Random: random numbers generated by Natural objects like mesuring radioactive elements.
pseudorandom: random numbers generated by a computer, that are not truely random, because they are generated by a complex formula to appear random.
Preach. It doesn't matter how fancy your triple DES encryption is when meet in the middle is an option. Especially when the seed used the generate the key is pseudo random and limits the search space.
Most natural phenomina, including radioactive decay, does not have a uniform deviate, which is what most people mean when they say random.
Yeah, I'm a programmer and occasionally use pseudorandom passwords being forced on users for certain systems as well as making encryption code and trying to explain the difference for me rarely works well. Peoples eyes glaze over far too quickly. Even our IT manager and staff are the same.
I've heard countless BackBlaze ads, but this was the first one that actually made me start to think about seriously looking into it. Ads and sponsors are such a major factor in TH-camrs' (not to mention other formats) lives, yet they're usually expected to stay on a very tight script or talking points. Simon and his goofy banter just sold me better than any script for BackBlaze I've heard yet. Sponsors, give Simon all your money!
The combination of script, memes, and Simon was so much funnier than any of the reviews you read.
Upvoted because you wanted the link to be "/allegedly" lmao
🤣
backblaze.com/allegedly apparently the company knows business Blaze viewers pretty well 😂
Of course they wouldn't use "aledgadly" they know most people couldn't spell it. Heck, it feels like "blayze" is pushing it most days. :-)
"up voted"?
@@JacquelineUnderwood Fantastic
In 1998, for a Wizard of Oz listing on TCM, writer Rick Polito wrote, “Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.”
When will we finally get merch for "The Blaze", featuring Danny chained to that radiator and Simon with the whip?
And the "Allegedly" stamp above 😂
Imagine wearing that in public and the people who don't watch business blaze just like why TF is that person wearing a shirt with a bald man torturing someone and the word allegedly above it?
Soon.
IRL I am laughing *so* hard right now, I’m afraid I’ll wake up my family. (It’s after midnight here.) 😂🤣🤣🤣😂
@@brainblaze6526 Is that a soon, or an allegedly soon?
"do i have to do everyones job for them" says the guy whos job it is to read danny's work.... ;-)
Not to mention 27:54 -
"Taking care of kids is *hard.*
I'm glad someone else does that for me!"
[Chuckles in Privilege]
"You have to learn this trigonometry to figure out the height of buildings!"
Me, an aspiring architect about to start college: "hello, Darkness, my old friend...."
Wonderful ( :
@Dan Ryan do what makes you happy sometimes its somewhere else sometimes its a better teacher
Stay out of engineering, surveying, building, off-shore sailing, civils, mining, boat construction, astrophysics and space science.. Astrology is a safe haven from trig. Crystalography is not.
This was originally a random thought that popped through my head at that moment during the video. Im actually sort of good at trig. Its algebra I suck at XD
I cant believe this got liked by the channel. ALL HAIL THE BLAZE!
Trig is easy...except the... identities [shudder]. sohcahtoa and adieu to you internet person.
A few years in the future.
Kindergarten Teacher: Your child is doing well except they have a habit of writing numbers instead of spelling out the names of different animals.
Simon: What did they put for wolves?
Teacher: uh, 10.
Simon: Agreeable.
"I'm sorry simon" *whipcrack* "I mean master"
This channel always kills me
I used to more listen to it in the background while doing other stuff, but now I have to watch it through or risk missing Sam’s A-grade memes & editing. On the plus side it makes the rewatch value very high. *insert start quote about not being a total loser, just a bit of a loser*
"This channel always kills me"
Allegedly
“Business Blazer” is honestly the funniest thing I’ve heard from Simon so far.
I worked at Amazon for 18 years, half of those in the department that moderated customer reviews. It was the most fun job I'd ever had. Tuscan Milk, the R C Hummer (during the M. Lewinski scandal) and the Harry Potter vibrating broom kept us on our toes and gave us uncountable laughs.
Nimbus 2000? Duracell shares though the roof.
I watched dope or nope review this... F***ING HEELAYREEEUS! (like Simon...)
I love the questions section, the answers are great, like
"I don't know if it's food safe, I haven't bought one."
Can we all agree that the most metal part of the Bible was when they literally tried to build a Stairway to Heaven? I mean these characters must have really loved Led Zepplin to want to do that.
I dunno, the part where Dio talks to Satan is pretty metal.
And then God was like, damn they’re actually gonna pull it off 😳 and invented languages
I'm sorry is 9/11 just God's believers trying to save humanity from the same mistake twice and that the twin towers were just too tall?
Wait, was it like an iron or steel staircase to heaven? Because otherwise I'm pretty sure there are parts with more metal in them than that one...
At any rate I think the author of that part must have been exaggerating his own experiences trying to put together a ladder so he could reach the top cupboard in his kitchen.
@@js66613
There is a story in the Bible where humans try and build a tower to heaven to overthrow God. God basically finds this idea amusing and just makes every family speak a different language as a form of punishment that makes continuing the tower impossible.
This story is called the Tower of Babel, and that is what I was joking about.
My daughter has a Yellie! It is HILARIOUS she scared of real spiders, but she finds this one hilarious. Watching her talk to the cute fuzzy spider is adorable. She is 7. Probably wouldn’t have worked if she wasn’t brave though 🤔 she is the kind of kid who cries with fear while making herself do something she wants to try anyways! Can’t fathom *where* she gets that determination from... 😆
Huge mistake eating a sandwich while watching this. I spit out so many chuncks of bread because of laughing fits.
:D
I spat out cottage cheese, which is just..nasty :-)
Try it while drinking tomato juice! Don't ask how I know...
"How to Avoid Huge Ships" looks like a prop from Airplane! or a Naked Gun movie.
Simon you have to read this children’s book, it’s called Brenda’s Beaver Needs a Barber, this is definitely a must read for all Business Blaze subscribers, enjoy.
Someone sent me a video about that with someone reading it. Fucking hilarious.
William Jefferson Clinton, I left a link in the comments if you want to watch it again
I'm really into Crafting with Cat hair at the moment, so probably going to be a while.
Absolutely this book is amazingly fucked up. There was a chick here in Australia reading online to her sister named Brenda it took her ages cause she kept cracking.
@@Sandy.J.Lloyd.Sr. thanks but I still have it saved in chat for laughs.
Honestly your sponsors should be thanking you. I take your recommendations a million times more seriously than others because you can tell they are GENUINE. Much better chance of getting customers with an ad presented like you do than their usual "talking points"
Edit: ALLEGEDLY!
While listening to this video, a local emergency text started blaring in the headphones. My first thought was, "Sam made this meme way too loud".
Finally a sponsor. Happy to have been a part of the journey
Oh you want the meme?... google it Sam in the words of Simon Whistler you’re a legend
Just as entertaining as the reviews is also the customer questions AND the answers to the customer questions. SO many people answer the customer questions with some variation of “I don’t know”.🤦♀️
Sam is the legend on this one. "oh you want the meme........... google it"
Backblaze saved my life last night! I have been using them since they sponsored another of Simon's videos a few years ago (I believe a Today I Found Out episode), and I was able to recover a super important file I accidentally deleted yesterday. Easy and way less expensive than what I was using before. Worth every penny for the insane relief of getting that file back safe and sound. Huge thanks to Backblaze and Simon!
Yoko Ono? More like... Yoko Oh-no-no
That pun is older than me.
@@JoshSweetvale maybe the OP is too? So what, it was funny lol
Joshua Sweetvale And some puns age like a fine wine, especially this one, as Yoko just gets worse and worse and devolves ever further into a writhing, screaming, yodeling puddle of throat noises and throbbing vocal polyps.
@@d.c.8828 okay? Boomer
@@jwr2904 it's just a dumb attempt to shut down convos cuz they know they don't got any actual valid point to make, pay no mind to the trolls.
"I really want to know what you think abou...no, i don't"
Brilliant!
The Veet hair removal cream reviews, made by unfortunate male victims of this evil product, are hilarious to read. I stumbled upon these reviews whilst looking for solidarity, after foolishly trying out this product myself; which is akin to chemically cauterizing your holy of holies with commercially available napalm, producing 4th degree burns. It was the first and last time in my life that I've ever screamed in a sustained soprano and 'little Ted' and his two pals have never forgiven me since. The shame of having to taxi my glowing gonads around in a wheelbarrow filled with ice cubes, will haunt me to my grave.
Should have cooled it do with some Icy Hot.
Sir, I feel your pain (metaphorically speaking!) so as a form of compensation, just in case you've been living on Mars for the last ten years and have missed this gem, have a look here
(and no, it's not a Rick Roll ;-) )
www.amazon.com/review/R2JGNJ5ZPJT4YC
@@bushmanPMRR 😂. By the end, I was desperately trying to figure out a way to get some to my sister in law.
The whole mental image of the one with sprouts.
Simon is more animated than usual - Almost as if he was hanging out with John Delorean or something. 🤔
I laughed. I cried. I smashed that like button.
He visited Willie in his bus.
From one dad to another, I feel Simon’s pain.
There are better children's books out there, I promise.
Purple Melody (ColumineMiette) I’m curious about Simon’s “danger ratings” for the animals and scenarios in “Down By the Station” by Will Hillenbrand 🧐
When Yoko is mentioned I'm always reminded of the brilliantly titled "A Small Eternity With Yoko Ono" from Frank Zappa's Playground Psychotics album.
A later release of "not good enough for a normal release" set of jams from Fillmore East when John and Yoko joined the Mothers on stage and Lennon later ripped off as his own compositions.
This. Is. Going. To. Be. Epic.
Your impersonation of Yoko made me spit out my tea.
Because you were impressed with how spot on it was?
I must say, as much as I love your videos, this was amazing! I don't know why, but it was so fulfilling to hear you yell at John and Yoko. And as addicted as I am to TopTenz, my coworkers are probably grateful I have become obsessed with Blaze. After 30 min I can't remember all the things I wanted to share with them the next day. I love you guys and, Simon, your voice has become part of my daily life. Keep up the work!!♡♡♡
We need "allegedly" and "legend" merch!
They're on there way "allegedly"
allegendly...?...
How about 1 that says "Legend....... allegedly!"
Allegedly YASSSS
I need an "allegedly" t-shirt rn!
I lived on a sailboat for a number of years. I'll never forget the day I was transiting the Pacific shipping lanes on my way out to the Channel Islands of California. We were hit by heavy fog in the middle of the shipping lane, and about an hour later we started hearing some very strange noises. All of a sudden something the size of a building came crashing out of the mist in our direction. It took some interesting maneuvers to not hit that particular huge ship. I don't think the book would have helped honestly, but throwing it at the container vessel would have made me feel better.
I actually have my whole company backing up to BackBlaze now, thanks to one of your channels probably TIFO! So much cheaper per gigabyte per month than Amazon S3. On the subject of reviewing weird kids books, John Oliver and Co's alternative book about Pence's rabbit was an amazon bestseller for a while.
hahha, oh man, I remember that from John Oliver.
(And thank you :) )
@@brainblaze6526 if John Oliver is not a legend I will b very disappointed
As it should still be! I just read, thanks to you :-)
4:20, I laughed way to hard, I literally just finished watching South Park before I watched this video 😂😂😂😂
I love the fact that the Old Testament was God going through his emo phase 🤣🤣🤣
For the cat hair book, (I never thought I would use those two words together in my life), the cat is fascinated by his/her own smell on the little toy. "How the f . . k did I get over there?"
Simon can you get a mullet wig that looks like it's on fire? then you can say your business in the front and blaze in the back
Needs more upvotes
Oh I like that.
And mullets are cool anyway.
Win win.
Business Blaze Nah....you'd look like the Tiger King guy. With a better beard....
Just a video of Simon trying on different wigs and his reactions would be great 😂
The misaligned and non-bleeps of Simon's invective are glorious.
You thought an episode on funny Amazon reviews would be super lazy of you so you had Danny write it. Legend.
I have a super funny story inspired by the comment at 25:10, "And we're all buying new bibles". I play an atheist elvan blood huntress in a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. We had just found out the prime minister of the city we were visiting had been possessed by the horseman, Death, and I deadpan said "And we're all buying new bibles. Wonderful." The entire group (our dungeon master/narrator included) broke into laughter, and I got an inspiration point for the comment. Thank you Simon! Improving the world, one blaze at a time. XD
It’s like backblaze and businessblaze has the same idea for logos too!
The first logo I got from the designer really looked way to close to it... He didn't know Backblaze, I showed it to him and he made some changes :)
"It's better than praying your shit's gonna be okay cuz thats not gonna work." I think I just fell a little in love.
The Godzilla Garden Gnome was one of the bests gifts I ever got my mother...it's awesome!
My sister got it for me for Christmas. It's fantastic. I keep it on my table so I can see it every day. Plus I don't want it to get stolen from my yard.
I love it oh my goodness how crazy are we LOL
Sam did us dirty by withholding the microwave meme. Someone wants a raise.
The fact that there will be a Part 2 of this gives me life
Sam is a legend for all his memes through this one!! 🤣🤣🤣
With the next milestone, we demand that Simon wear one of those silly old wigs that British judges and politicians used to wear.
Dave Gentleman ....Objection!........Sustained!
Used to? 🤣
They still wear them in a lot of countries.
They are surprisingly expensive.
@@brainblaze6526 pshaw... Party City 19.99
I don’t know why I think it’s so great that this was recorded on my birthday LOL
That Yoko Ono impression was epic! I seriously hope part two has the hair removal review, that is quite possibly the best and hilarious Amazon review ever and if it's not, I'll be slightly disappointed
I like John Lennon's reaction to the review. A sense of humor is essential.
Can't wait for Sam to edit the ahhhh at 2:25 and 2:36 into a future video!
The reviews on Amazon for the sugar free gummy bears are beyond hilarious. I start crying after the first 10 or so, and can never get through them all.
This is one of the most underrated TH-cam channels. 👍
thanks :)
Twenty page script. You Danny, are a legend!!!!
This was an excellent blaze.
Just finished morning chores.
Time for lunch then more blaze.
Can’t wait for the second part.
I also went to religious school (college)
And I desperately appreciate your mockery of religion.
The perfect gift for any parent you hate. Give his/her/their child a drum set for a birthday.
"they shouldn't be pseudo-random!"
yes, why can't they make a quantum-tech-powered book?!
You don't need quantum mechanics to make something genuinely random. Just have the input to generate the number be from a genuinely random physical event. I've made genuine random number generators myself. You could make one that uses the static on an old TV that isn't tuned to any station. Or I guess a radio would do as well.
Or thermal noise, which is just the vibrations of charged particles caused by heat. Which is something that every electronic circuit is going to pick up and most circuits have a lot of design put into eliminating interference from this noise. It's harder to get rid of interference from thermal noise in a circuit than it is to create it. You could even make a random number generator that uses the motion of particles in a cup of tea as input. Which, I think was in a Douglas Adams book, if I recall correctly.
Since all of these things are genuinely random and not just pseudorandom, mathematically generated values, you could get an actual random number out of them. And no fancy quantum mechanical devices needed. Although admittedly, quantum mechanics does have a role to play with all of the above, but that's just because q-mech is intrinsic to damn near everything in the universe. I'm just saying, it's a lot easier than you think.
It's just not implemented much because computers can do math easier and I guess it's just cheaper and more simple to use straight up math.
@@VoidHalo Spot on. And you probably know, but just because I thought it was interesting, and some less informed may not know, they also use lava lamps for this. Or did anyway, it's been a few since I last saw a new paper about using them, but same basic idea as the others.
@@VoidHalo but as a printed book, its no longer random, as the numbers never change places. they seem to be in a random order, but its just shuffled , and always in the same order after that. hence it can only really be pseudo random, unless the book had some power to re-write itself. which is what i assume the OC's "quantum-tech-powered book" would be capable of doing as its supposed to be a printed book, not an ebook.
@@Dreddy72 That's not what it means by pseudorandom. Pseudorandom means it was generated by a mathematical algorithm and the sequence can be reproduced if you know that alrgorithm. Actual random numbers are generated chaotically and any slight change to any one variable determining the values will skew the sequence beyond recognition and can never be reproduced by the original conditions that produced it. It has nothing to do with whether the printed numbers themselves can change or not. You should look into randomness more deeply. It's actually a really fascinating subject and very counterintuitive. What one tends to think of as a random sequence is actually very non-random and vice versa. It's very bizarre. I think you would enjoy it very much. Cheers.
@@VoidHalo This comment is more informative than my whole video.
I love the customer reviews of the Hutzler #571 Banana Slicer. There are over 5,000 of them, and they are really funny.
Yes! I have been waiting for this one since the first mention of review. Haribo sugar free gummy bear reviews are a favorite past time of mine.
Haha, I love how you say that your babies book is boring. I garuntee that your baby wouldn't find Business Blaze a rivetting watch, lol.
Insert joke about me being a loser and another one about danny being in a basement.
Hahahaha omg those two jokes are actually SO funny 😂 😂
I keep Danny there for company.
Business Blaze makes sense, specially during the end of times.
As soon as you said "Godzilla Garden Gnome" I had to stop to look it up. Because I actually want it.
Hands down my favorite episode so far, from the blatantly anti-religious sentiment to the suicidal review I was crying.
Yellies???
I NEED this in my LIFE!!!
I thought Black Blaze was a porn site. 😂😂😂
Well, I did say I would sit through 30 minutes of Simon lampooning Amazon reviews. You did not disappoint. A very small part of me was hoping that Danny found one of my troll reviews but Amazon does have a lot of junk so my anonymity should be safe.
Honestly the only things i've watched in the past 2 weeks have just been Simon or his separate channels 🤷♂️ I'm not mad
My recommended feed is just: Business blaze, geo, top ten, bb, top ten, geo, and so on 😂
Thank you Simon!
Thank you! :)
I kind of want there to be a Simon "master channel" that archives ALL of his videos from ALL of his channels so I can just see every thing he puts out in sequence. (Unfortunately it would be tough to monetize that.)