Balancing Love & Desire | Esther Perel
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 ต.ค. 2017
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The number one question married couples ask Esther Perel is, “How do we keep the spark alive?
In this inspiring Mindvalley A-Fest presentation, Esther Perel, bestselling author and relationship expert informs us that couples who keep romanticism alive, keeps the desire burning in the bedroom in your relationship or marriage.
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In this video, "Balancing Love & Desire" Ted Talk speaker, Esther Perel, walks us through the powerful emotions we feel in relationships and explains how to achieve relationship satisfaction.
VIDEO HIGHLIGHTS
04:13 Fundamental human needs
07:13 Where we come from
13:46 Why is it difficult to sustain desire in the place of love
19:42 When human radiates - Confidence
24:07 How do we cultivate our interest and desires
27:30 Today’s notion of freedom - Global Village
34:46 How our parents/adults influence the child’s world
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Not only is Esther Perel a relationship expert, but she is also a psychotherapist who has worked with countless patients who experience loneliness within their relationships.
Her theory that the tension between the need to belong to society and the need for freedom in human relationships is to find a balance between the two. She informs us that finding this balance is how to deal with loneliness in relationships.
By combining intimacy and sexuality in marriage and long term relationships, Esther Perel believes this is a practical way to achieve happiness and contentment in life.
Do we want stability and love or do we want to keep our burning desire? ...Comment your thoughts on this video below 👇 And don’t forget to check out the Quest All Access Pass. Give it a try for 10 days to see how you like unlimited access to ANY of our personal growth courses 🤗👉 go.mindvalley.com/ziqwa0B2
The desire goes numb
@@marygreeno1 ppp0ppppppp000+0000 lpppp
It is a shame that there's not an option to add subtitles to these videos. So, let's keep it to us, guys, only English-speakers allowed to be exposed to great content. BUT...we are VERY inclusive, right? How politically incorrect ARE WE ACTUALLY BEING by not translating content to other languages???? Think for 2 seconds, it's all it takes! The world doesn't happen in English. Love and desire and relationships don't happen in English only, what are you all thinking of, truly??
#Delightful Lady Esther ~
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤😊😊😊😊😊😊
“When it comes to love it is our imagination that is the greatest actor, not necessarily the other person” 😮 this is profound on many levels.
"Your partner is a loan with an option to renew" -- Mind blown.
That's disgusting. A human being isn't a loan. It has deep emotions that can harm her/him.
@@justdev8965 it's a metaphor what is hard to understand about that? it's not meant to be taken literally.
“We are asking one person what an entire village used to provide” Wow, I felt that. Basically we have unrealistic demands putting them on that ONE person.
Exactly. key point!
My favorite Insight ❤️
I think when people marry they should take into consideration if they can provide what the community did. Specially when expecting one to be monogamous. How long is one to go without before it turns into a major problem.
Great speech
This woman is down to earth, funny, witty, intelligent, great thinker and inspirational speaker. What she says really makes you think and reflect in a very positive way. Great talk... respect!
Yes, she is really is. Thanks for your support!
35:22 "I'll give up a part of me in order not to lose you"
"I'll forego my freedom in order to secure my connection"
(Insecure attachment)
I didnt get this part, is it okay to be the first child that has to give up something in order not to lose the other person or the second one who loses their desire when it becomes more intimate? Would appreciate if you explain it! :)
The benefits outweighs the risk ( loosing)( everything, your everything) drop the abstract to secure the substance of it all.
Wow
"When it comes to love, it is our imagination that is the greatest Actor, not necessarily the other person."
Just one of many brilliant gems of insightful wisdom in this talk by her.
Esther Perel is incredibly erudite, perspicacious and articulate. So much clarity flowing out of one person!
definitely
Bravo introspect
I feel like you learnt about these words from her
Most definitely I think she is blessed considering the grace and ease with which she clarify complex issues.
wtf is perspicacioius
Learning to dance as a couple can be a good therapy. Good and fun team work! I am from Disco Era so I have this "fantasy" : relationship should be like couple's dance. Here we are , face to face, standing on our own feet, holding hands, leaving some space between so each of us can move . We have to hear the same music, follow the same ritm , comunicate . We are learning so much about us and our partner , how much we can or cant accomplish together as a couple.
WOW...WOW...WOW JUST WOW
👏🏿👏🏿
We are more than readily willing to acknowledge betrayal, but we don't acknowledge abandonment as a cause of equally deep pain. people hide the pain of emotional and intimate abandonment and if they don't they're told it's their problem. This is a very serious failure that causes relationships to break down more often than the more obvious types of infidelity we are so willing to validate.
Well you are responsible for your feelings.
She makes it look so easy...just one of the signs of greatness. For years I have respected Esther Perel. My "go to non guru" for everything on conversational and relational intelligence. This is a FANTASTIC talk true to her style: witty, to the point, clear, positive, energetic incredibly insightful. She has thought to much and shares so generously. This should be "required viewing" for all intimate relationships! (and what about her definition of "intimacy" as IN TO ME SEE?). It so so rich with content that every tenth sentence is quotable. It stays with you. Thanks for sharing.
It's one of the best Esther Perel talks I've heard so far. What I love most about her (besides other thousand things) is her position in: I might sound confident, yet I am sure of absolutely nothing. And this is such a humble and strong place to occupy by her with decades of clinical work, research and books. And it's not only empty words, she is literally radiating this non attachment to being right. Thank you for this great talk!
So true, of not expecting our partner in our lives to be be our friend, lover, carer, counsellor. We should not be searching for a replacement parent to nurture all our needs and comfort our fear of being alone. Esther is a remarkable with incredible insight and truth. I totally find her fascinating to look and listen to, on just about any relationship subject. Captivating through and through!!!
When I wake up on Sunday morning with my husband on one side and my dog on the other side, that is the best feeling! Knowing that husband and I are going to get freaky later that day, makes it even better!
I have found it. Esther's best video. What an amazing orator and teacher of relationships and the human condition.
I feel privileged to hear her speak, there is always something to learn and open your mind to.
my favourite person who talks about relationship and definitely your favourite therapist's favourite therapist
The anchor and the waves comment brought me to tears .
In the present year, I am paying attention to her words&advices in every Talk because She is very excellent talkative explaining about relationships.
after alot of relationships and personal experiences i really think the main problem with love vs desire is that most people choosing someone as partner , either for serious relationship or marriage, that is not the ideal partner for them, sometimes not even close to that. Loneliness, insecurities and more well known issues like that leading to "fake" relationships.
And by "fake" i mean yes there is passion, there is love after some time but desire fades out since that person was never the ideal. And the day comes that an ideal person or close to that appears out of nowhere and desire for the ideal finally ignites after so long. And things getting super complicated.
When people choose wisely whom they want for a serious relationship or to marry there NO WAY for desire to really go away because for such a person theres a daily and constant fight to NOT lose them something that wont be the case after few years for someone was never the ideal.
I could go more in depth but most of you understood my point. My bad english are not helping also i hope you got the point.
ΜΑΡΙΑ ΠΕΤΡΟΥ but what about when the ideal feels almost impossible to find?
Yara x exactly to get an ideal match these days is like finding a needle in a haystack
What you describe is exactly the opposite of what Esther actually suggests...did you watch the video even?
@@Yararar Hi Yara, that is a really complicated issue in my opinion that there are so many different right answers. In a more generic consensus though i think majority of us, including myself, found or met the ideal at some point in our lives but for some reason we passed it or we didnt give him/her a chance or at the time they didnt feel like the ideal to us for different reasons. That is what i beleive happened to many people who think never met any ideal person but its the same people who said/thought something like " Damn, X person was amazing, what i was thinking ? " or " I did wrong with Z but now is too late" before.
Of course that is a generic statement but i think this is the deal for majority of cases who think never met the ideal or cant find the ideal because the ideal is indeed rare. And it has become even rarer simply because moderns era women/men standards skyrocketed because of social media ( this is another huge topic ) and looks, status, money etc is the new ideal for majority of young people sadly.
What i would suggest is to get yourself exposed out there in decent places than spend too much time at home or social media, clubs or late night drinks, flirt, have fun, dont overthink, give chances to different kind of people to come closer and talk to you and your chances to find that rare one getting better. Cheers
@@iammorrissey Of course i did, do you disagree with what im saying because you personally think im wrong or you disagree with me just because im describing something different than Mrs Esther ?
I honestly don't remember ever feeling like that. It's so sad that I've never felt security in that way before.
there are those [in relationships] who are not dead, and those who are alive.
Absolutely fantastic talk. What she said about "the one" around 29 mins was spot on as was everything else!
16:23 That's why she comes across so believable.
A place, where you just felt "I m enough" there is nothing more need it at this moment, ... It's safe, it's trusting, it's reliable it's dependable
Yes! Refreshing to hear someone speak what I have experienced, It's about find the one to join you in our journey together. (And as individuals, not as an extension of themselves) Going through the ebbs and flows of life rather than trying to find your "happy ever after". I think it's great to play with desire with your partner, whatever happened with the art of flirting? Even with your long time partner, routine becomes boring and desire fades. It's a "dance" between the couple that can keep it alive and not necessarily constant.
I love her accent! it is so classy :P
33:06 To not be dead is people living in fear, lack of trust, legacies of trauma, tightness, and you survive, but you do the basics, trying to avoid protect yourself from [emotional and relational] danger. Then you survive. Alive, on the other hand...
Alive is what should be looking for! I had it once, and really want it again!
“It is not a problem that you solve. It is a paradox that you manage.” I feel that is relates to so many parts of life. It’s sitting with uncertainty. It’s putting meaningful effort, but open to the uncertain outcomes. UGH!
I couldn’t even think of a moment when I felt secure 😔
Mina Lolita I’m sorry!
That’s true for some people. That’s why she also recommends thinking of a moment when you felt adventurous. They are strangely similar at the core. Being adventurous also comes from a place of confidence and belief in yourself. That is another form of “security”.
Mina Lolita never felt either
Same... I cannot recall a time in my life that I felt even for a moment that all was safe.
It’s very difficult to draw strength and courage to take risks from an experience that doesn’t even exist for you!!
At 57 I am starting all over again from a 27 year marriage that I have never felt safe in (husband a Covert Narcissist) he did not cheat though...kind of wish he did lol!!! 😊 He made me feel unsafe about my own thoughts and ideas (that were always wrong and ungodly) he’s a “righteous” man of course who could not and still cannot even provide for his family!!
Anyway, I am trying to start over with not necessarily courage, but with the knowledge of what I will not tolerate anymore and knowing that jumping into the unknown isn’t any “less” secure than what I thought I had or rather had kept hoping for..,in vain!!
I believe that God allows people like “us” to go through such insecurity in our lives until we are so stripped of the idea that we can find it in anyone else or anywhere else, but ONLY within ourselves through faith in Him!!
It is He that will be the One who catches us when we are finally READY to trust OURSELVES enough to make the jump into the unknown of new opportunities and the “security” of knowing that we can actually JUMP and land in the spot that God had prepared for us all along!!!!🙏💛🙏
I literally stopped at this moment in panic...that's the problem, I never did feel safe, or it was so long ago I can't recall.
Mina...I also struggled with that immensely. 😔
This talk is incredible ✨
28:17-29:44 yeah. Highlights of this talk.
I believe n recall to mind the ppl that spoke to me when I was young n beautiful . Arch , a.o.t , stated that I had many qualities that a man can like me about. As with the few good men , we spoke on a mental ( n physical ) level. Bear in mind that I worried about never having a man capable of conceiving me. In our country , this is the truth . If only I got a successful reversal. I'm not obsessing about intimacy .
The theme is so carefully selected, The speech so great, so vivid, so alive, dynamic, thoughtful, Witty, funny.... This Lady is Just incomparable
This lady is just so real. She cuts through the bullshit
It's about love and peace accord 🤝 we all want less arguing and more love to share globally give blessings 🙌
Firstly, I just want to say that she shares my late Mother's Maiden Name. That is correct, Esther Perel. Secondly, this WOMAN IS ABSOLUTELY PHENOMINAL. She is Brilliant, Witty and she understands Human Behaviour like nobody else does. I can relate to just about everything she says. After my marraige, my wife was no longer affectionate, had to book when to be intimate etc. But I was the bad one for having an affair. I had spoken to her many times about her lack of love. The last four years I developed a wonderful relationship with a very Loving woman. Regrettably she passed away just 13 weeks ago, after having moved in with me for three months. I feel gutted. I have a deep hole in my heart.
What a great video. She described everything I've ever felt in every relationship I've ever had, but never quite knew how to articulate. Thank you.
Love you Esther Perel. You are a wonderful person.
I felt alive. I felt free.
35:45:
FIRST CHILD - *“I’ll give up a part of me in order not to lose you. I’ll forgo my freedom in order to secure my connection”.* - [When in Rome, do as the Romans do. I want to marry him but my community says he has to ask me so I have to wait.]
- _my mum_ (I love you Mum!)
36:00:
SECOND CHILD - *“... is very zesty, curious, and eager and they want to go but they are constantly looking over their shoulder. ‘Am I safe, am I going to be punished, am I going to pay a price for this, are you going to collapse on me? What happens when I attend to myself?’”* - [When in Rome, do as I do. I don’t care what the community thinks, I am just going to do it because that is what I want.]
- _me_
Absolute genius! I see so many stories that I have experienced since 1988. I am the ‘second child’, and I now know why I find ‘doing as the Romans do’, doing as the community does, heartily difficult! I have spent my whole life trying to avoid those punishments that Ester talks about. Being truly me, and behaving truly me, and not as the community does, IS my security! Maybe that is why I am single as I write this.
desire makes love feel
love without desire is dead, shut down
That's sad, what about the love for a child? There is no desire and yet the love is even stronger than sexual love.
I have a slightly different perspective on that. I think if we we healed it's not desire that drives us but joy. And that joy want's to be expressed... extacy. That's why seeing the partner singing, painting, dancing together or anything like that make us feel close and driven to one another at the same time. There doesn't need to be a distance or something 'forbidden'... that's somehow unhealed and a reversed energy... there just needs to be joy... the feeling to be happily alive and the pure expression of that. 💗
Amazing Video! Esther Perel is a true Guru for human beings!
Security & Adventure , Mystery & Transparency, Trust & Betrayal. Thank you.
Fonti Dem Wanti agreed
secret person
What does Reveal means.. really?
Fonti Dem Wanti good summary!
INTIMACY = INTO ME SEE √√√√ :) Thanks Mindvalley Talks for sharing this lovely speech. Esther is just wonderful!
amazing speech !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She is my new favourite inspiration. She is so profound in her knowledge on this subject, but more importantly, some of her facts really open the eye. Thankful for reading Mating in Captivity. ♥
Healthy symbiotic relationships! 3 words in a golden combination. 🥇
So good
Thank u!!!
thank you ester! been listening to mind talks and yes anything but perfection! in due respect, it is worth the time!
Thank you.
29:30 to 29:43 WOOOOOW!! PEOPLE WRITE IT DOWN!!
Girl!🔥🔥🔥
the moment I felt secured is when i didn't find out the big LIE....I felt like I was showered by ice when I found out the TRUTH!
How insightful ...thank you Esther
Yes yes yes Esther! Love listening
You are an amazing woman. You make people think about who they really are and to taking a deeper look inside their inner self.🤔
Excellent presentation!
Amazing speech. Giving visual objective.
WoW! Amazing... Thank you
savored every word.
the final words still ringing in my ears.
When he's talking and says something profound, funny or adorable.
Do yourself a favor and listen to this speech, till the end! She is sharing very useful and well-concluded thoughts in a beautifully entertaining manner.
Esther u left my head spinning! Exceedingly well delivered!!!
Belkis Padilla, you look stunning
Brilliante ! !
She is soooo good...soul food!
Awesome!
Omg.! I’m speechless
So, so, so GREAT! THANK YOU ESTHER FOR YOUR EFFORT AND AMAZING WORK!
Pretty amazing talk right there!
Thanks mindvalley for sharing this lovely speech. Esther is just wonderful to bring light to my darkness.blessings to all.
Hi Marce, thank you for watching and for those beautiful words. This is our mission, for all of us.
a brilliant woman in great share..thank you !
I know why I want n what I want n I also know how to make things work. By my lovely grandma ,n ppl who wanted rme to become a woman. A Beautiful woman
I love her.
This was illuminating! Thank you so much. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Great wonderful words
Wow! What a great lecture, thank you. Love the accent!
Inspiration at the least.
How she talks, oh my!
She is sooo good :) helps to understand my self and others better
Her talks are similar but this is best one summary
This woman is amazing!!
you are simply amazing ❤
Brilliant and insightful thank you
Mind blown by Esther... As usual
Amazing video great thanksgiving
Very powerful
Love her talk, 👌👌👌✨
Amazing video! Thank you!
I do like the way I hd
absolutely needed to hear & contemplate this whole series. Will come back foe-listen. Excellent, these words & actions were felt more than 50 some years ago.
What a powerful talk.....so insightful. I simply love her!
Hi this is wonderfully wonderful. What a great talk ! You are blessed and remain blessed, please. many thanks for from me. Once again thank you my dear.
GENIUS ABSOLUTELY NAILED THIS TOPIC. SO GRATEFUL FOR YOUR WISDOM AND ABILITY TO CONVEY THIS IMPORTANT INFORMATION.
Amazing 🙌🏽💜
WOW.........so simple yet so profound. Merci beaucoup Esther 😊❤❤❤👍
I wish I had known you and listen your talk show in 15 years ago? but in learning is never too late!!! and thank you Esther Perel, that have i found and i love listen to your talk show..
2021 modern love. Very insightful!!!!
Most intellectual talk by mindvalley !! Thanks u 🙏🏻
Excellent orator! Uses words to articulate powerful concepts
4:24 sets of fundamental needs (2)