Why Fearful Avoidants Have a Subconscious Comfort Zone Around Novelty (and Sometimes Chaos)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.ย. 2024
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In this video I'll talk about the fearful avoidant and why they might have a subconscious comfort zone around novelty - and sometimes chaos!
Do you know what your Attachment Style is? Take my quiz to find out now, and begin healing your relationships! Click here: attachment.per...
Lastly, if you’re interested in shorter form content and tips, follow my Instagram page! @personaldevelopment_school
I post every other day, and you'll find some completely new content there :)
Thank you for watching!
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great to find out seemingly every facet of my personality is a trauma response lol
i've been going through this cycle for the year or so of wanting to escape and travel/move somewhere 🙃
Lol me toooooo
😭😭😭
Um...me too
RIGHT 😂😂😂
Being an FA makes me tired in my bones.
I must be getting healthy because my yearning for novelty has really tampered down. It used to be such a strong feeling, it would depress me because the obligations to my family would keep me from acting on them. Stoicism has really helped me overcome these yearnings and impulses.
Omg me. I can be a total control freak but I can't follow a schedule for the life of me. If I make a schedule I follow it maybe for half a day, then I feel empty and CRAVE chaos.
Saaaame
So interesting. I am a travel youtuber, and this makes so much sense why I love novelty and being alone, solo traveling, never holding down a job which is why i transitioned to working for myself online
I was laughing when I saw the title because I was like hm okay let’s see what I’m gonna learn about myself today but I started looking at the comments first and I read this and I went on like a binge search on google yesterday about why I get bored so fast in a new job or after I’ve moved to a new city and like why I always want adventure/exploration and I read your comment and my mouth dropped because this is 100% me 😂 wow
@@Meli-ul9zt We must be long lost twins! ...Or just avoidants, haha!
I'm with the two of you.
My family was so chaotic and unsafe. My older sister was so controlling and abusive. But we were always alone together so she got away with it. Solo adventure gave me so much freedom from her and the chaos! Makes so much sense!
Wanting to control myself and my environment, 1000%. I don’t like to change jobs a lot or move a lot, but I love exploring like travel, backpacking, climbing mountains, eating at new places all the time, always switching up my “routine” ... I say routine loosely, as I’m not the best at routine, lol.
But I keep everyone at a distance. When someone communicates to me about any drama in their life, I basically start avoiding them. Not the best strategy for connection. That’s my DA.
I’m very peaceful and avoid any person who is not that way. Again, maybe my primary DA. :)
When I read the title I said: “Here is my daily dose of reality!”
PDS videos have the best comments section. The content is as good as the videos :D
Oh wow didn't realise these actions were linked to being an FA. I never stay working in a place or country longer than 3 years. As soon as I'm comfortable somewhere I need to leave. Never understood why until now but I've always said I just need to be able to leave. Thank you Thais your understanding and knowledge is amazing x
I crave security and consistency like air, but the gypsy side of me craves adventure with as much intensity.
This is so accurate... the FA I know on our first date said he wanted to travel around the world, and recently said he couldn't stay in the same job for over 2 years.
Explains why I pick up a lot of hobbies. I try to cycle through them instead of abandoning and picking up new ones because I know I am a chaotic monster.
It seems my DA friend and I have enjoyed alot of novelty! We bonded in this. She hadnt been out of the house into the world much, so she started saying Yes to adventure with me each week. We went out into nature, restaurants new to both of us, various healing and creative places. We bonded trying new things together. I love witnessing her having all these "first time" experiences and often me to, mostly new to have companionship in going out and about.
Thank you. This. This is exactly what I needed to hear. These strategies to find peace and normalcy. My now ex husband... signed the papers today...sigh. would move us every three years. He changed jobs 14 times in our 16 years of marriage. It's was traumatizing and exhausting. Many of those job changes forced us to move, sometimes out of state, sometimes across country. The kids and i didn't move the last time (3,000 miles across country) because I wouldn't until he had a job and a house/ was secure and so...
he divorced me.
Because we weren't "compatible" and didn't have the same life goals.
I understand everything you said in this video. I will reprogram in the evenings and the mornings. I will heal. I just hope he can also. I think he would rather be alone, though, than be whole and healed.💙
❤❤ huge credit to you for ending the cycle & letting you & your kids settle. As s1 who moved way too much as a kid & a partner w similar experiences it isn't good. Be sure to let your kids know exactly why you made that decision - consciously share with them that it wasn't normal or good and let them think why it wasn't good for them (friends education, general chaos). When you have to figure that out as an adult after repeating the pattern it's much harder!
I actually really like my appetite for novelty. I have met many interesting people and had so many wonderful experiences thanks to this. So no complaints here :)
~13:30 morning/evening check-in questions: "Where am I at peace in my environment right now? Where do I have calm, where do I have safety? Where do I have certainty? ->The more you see it and feel it, the more it will get ingrained, and it will actually start to replace old programs that feel like chaos is normal."
I want to get a van and travel BUT I need a home base that I feel safe in to come home to. Argh!! I see where my father was a fearful avoidant and he married a dismissive avoidant and I replayed the same life to a degree, Impulsivity as well.
After showering at the gym for a couple of months and then COVID, I'm glad I didn't do van life. It was enticing but there are certain things I've learned I can't do without soo that was it for any remaining van life dreams I had.
@@TV-wy1py I totally get that. I would have to have a toilet and shower in my van. I need a creative space to. I also don't want tp be at the mercy of others to not get kicked out of the space where I park and safety of course.
Oh my gosh everything about me is linked back to my attachment style hahah. Crazy! We are all the same!
lolll seriously!!! Im not even unique ahahhahah. I thought certain things about me were personality traits tied to my life circumstances but its just another box to check off on the FA list of traits.
@@suras8984 lol same 😂😂😂 I thought I was so special and so uniquely broken that no one could ever make sense of me... until I discovered the FA style 😅
Yeah, same here. I really thought for a long time that my overly giving and selfless side were totally at odds with my free-spirited, novelty-seeking and committment-phobic side, but now I see that they are actually paradoxical flip sides of the same coin.
@@suras8984 You're still unique! no one has had the experiences you have had in your life so you have a completely unique perspective on this human experience (but I get what you mean, it can be unbelievable to think that so many people can share the same patterns, wounds etc.) - PDS team member
@@Stella-cv4mc Man its so funny. Theres one trait where she said once that some FAs will put off dating saying they aren't ready yet and they want to accomplish x y and z before they are ready. And I was just like oh so I'm not really putting off dating until I accomplish what I want to accomplish its just a story Im telling myself to put off dating lolll
🤦♀️
I very much relate to enjoying a certain amount of chaos. Much more than most people which hasn't lead to the best life choices. I've done a lot of work on myself and a part of me craves a happy stable lifestyle. The idea of a home that's a sanctuary and a quiet pleasant lifestyle feels ideal.. but at the same time I can't imagine it in my own country. I feel like I have to move to get it, which I'm guessing is a trap.
Wow....I can relate 100%...I say this all the time....mindblown
Me too.
Everytime I find somewhere, I find a reason not to bother.
"The weather, the people, there's too much, there's not enough, it's too secluded, it's too central"-etc.
I know I want the option.
I want the choice to come home to somewhere safe that is peaceful, but the ability to come and go as I please.
I had an idea to build a Holiday Eco-Cottage, that is self-sufficient.
I would spend 6-months building it and document it on Social-Media, then rent it out and travel around the world giving other farms the same technology.
This would give me a stream of income and freedom -- as-well as helping accomplish some of my ideals.
But even the thought of being stuck building for 6-7months sends me into a panic.
I am unsure of it all to be honest.
I just don't want to be stuck.
I'm 33, for 30 years I lived with a mother who is a narcissist and rage-aholic.
After having a breakup I went into catatonic depression and my mother would trigger me a lot with her anger and emotional abuse calling me stupid and sick. I blamed myself for her sickness.
I tried to commit suicide. My mother and father watched as I took a knife from the kitchen to self harm. They just let me as I cried for help they ignored me. My mother laughed and said "haha what's cutting your wrists going to do"
I suffer with chronic ocd the core fear I'm not good enough, Alien to the world, even though I've accomplished a huge amount in my life it was 'never enough' I could never be good enough for my mother was the message I received.
I'm FA and I withdrew and hid in my room for 30 years in that house for survival.
I still have ocd and feel suicidal feeling unloveable and like everyone will abandon me and that no one really actually cares.
You are a brilliant woman and have helped me so much. Thank you! When you talk about chaos, I think that's why I've also been comfortable with just messy rooms and such even though I say " I want a clean room:
Yes drama, stress and chaos was what my ex FA liked consistently based on past trauma. Love=Chaos and novelty, change, without thinking out decisions!
My dueling need for security vs adventure has been a life long struggle!
I thought I was bipolar before learning about this information. I have "goal high's" that resemble a manic state. I also have a drive for novelty that often makes me question whether I like my freedom from a relationship more than being in a relationship that's resembling security.
Thank you, this is key to understanding some of my unhealthy patterns. Covid made the novelty need worse/stronger by having to be somewhat isolated and unable to do as much away from home. Making a strategy to get this need met now after this video outlined the problem so well. Before I couldn't quite figure out what the need was.
I definitely feel the need to want to escape and go somewhere else or do something to make me feel free guess that relates to this 🤔thanks these videos are thought provoking
Yesss me too! Especially when I'm at a place where I don't want to be or around someone that makes me uncomfortable and I feel suffocated.
I had no idea this was a FA thing. I have spent my entire adult life moving around and starting over every time I feel trapped and suffocated. The only way I've been able to stay put in one place in recent years is by moving to a big city, and even here I dive headfirst into a new hobby (and with it a new identity and social circle) every other year or so.
Also, I attribute my not wanting to have kids to my fear of being trapped. Is that a common thing for FAs too?
@@vodkaandlime Yeah, there is some correlation. Thais has a video on attachment styles&willing to have kids.
This video has been one of the most powerful it made me cry out of nowhere several times. I struggle very much with stability, routine, decision making, chaos etc.
Also wonder about attachment and mbti, do I have a personality or just trauma 🥴
Thank you. In 14 minutes, you helped me understand myself better than all the other answers I've fumbled for over the last 20+ years.
I once had a breakdown and really needed to feel safe and comfortable... so I moved from the swiss countryside to London hahaha
Thank you so much. I have watched so many channels on the same subject but yours is the best at this stuff!
That's so kind of you to say Caroline. Thank you for taking the time to comment that - PDS team member
As an FA now I understand why I see my gated community as both safety and a trap at the same time!!💡. Your videos have truly been life changing in understanding my relationships. I was suffering for over a year and despite therapy I couldn’t get over. I always thought I was my own worst enemy until I discovered your channel!
If everyone understood attachment theory (subconscious thoughts and emotions), and that the answer lies in awareness and meditation...wow what a different world we’d live in! So grateful for your work Thais!!❤️
This, you kept your promise about posting about this topic. Thank you.
I love these comments as much as I love the video’s!!!!🥰🥰
I’m DA/FA & definitely novelty-seeker! Super excited to hear more about this.
isn't this interesting... my icebreaker speech at Toastmasters is titled "New and Exciting" and goes over how I have done seemingly random things throughout my life. Of course, many have turned out well, but I can appreciate the fact that the chaos factor has shown up for me many times over. Currently, my planning thoughts are overwhelming for my boyfriend -- that shows me see one way I use chaos to avoid being vulnerability.
Thais again with the sorcery🧙♀️😅Where does the need for transparency come from? I feel really angry when I feel/know someone is not fully disclosing, even if it's something small.
Same!
A HUGE trigger and sensitive area for me. I'm trying to overcome this now in a relationship. It's not easy overcoming lies and half truths, even when the person is being sincere.
I get so uncompromising about this as well
@@TempermentalTart Do you feel certain people trigger you more than others or are you pretty consistent across the board?
@@enarcmcfly Do you cut people off or build resentment?
These videos are so helpful and explained perfectly. Its like literal food. Also your makeup looks bomb!♥️🙏🏽🌞
Hi Thais! I have recently enrolled in the PDE and your courses are amazing! Thank you for the awesome content!
Thanks Giselle! So happy to have you as a Personal Development school member. I wish you much happiness and healing - PDS team member
Thinking I'm a fearful avoidant. What you said about feeling trapped really hit hard. The whole video did. Thank you for posting!
11:40 - Step 1: Write out all the places that you find chaos happening. Where do I find chaos?
Step 2: What do you want happening instead? What are my strategies for this?
13:05 - Every evening: Program myself into experiencing peace. Where am I calm, at peace in my environment? Safety? Certainty? Program myself into feeling this is normal.
is this why they have intrusive thoughts of wanting to be with others? The novelty, the thrill of the chase, the flirting with someone new...the lack of chaos or not enough roller coaster sensation, in their relationship causes them to think that it would be better with someone else? That if they were actually happy in their own relationship it must mean this relationship isn't it?
Super insightful ! This is me to the T !!!!!...thrilled that I found your school Thais..I can finally heal from this...I didn't even know this reaction was a trauma response from my subconscious...I thought I just had commitment issues...I'm mindblown right now
I felt trapped! Til I moved out last year. My parents are dysfunctional as hell.
There were always some time when i feel depleted, can't even wake up from bed, barely eat and ruining all my plan for the day. Just like what happen for the last 2 days, i barely eat anything. Suicidal thoughts and feeling worthless were all coming in again, although i am out of the worst part of it. But sometimes it came out of nowhere and drags me down, especially when i am in my period.
I thought that was bcs i was exhausted for pushing myself too hard. I can't help but feeling guilty afterward bcs of how much i ruin my opportunities to be better. This is also makes me feels like i couldn't change bcs i always fall back in this state over and over again no matter how i try to push myself to be better and more productive -- and emotionally stable.
But when i feel everything is getting better, those negative feelings come again.
I wonder if subconsciously, it's related to this?? I don't know. I am still not sure.
But when in my productive time, i do crave freedom and break from the routines. But most of the time when i give a break to myself. The opposite is happening. I m feeling weak instrad of relax, i am feeling down instead of refreshed. i try to figure why it is. But i could never the answer.
This is an excellent video. I didn’t even realize you could have a high need for novelty. It explains so much for me!
This was really informative! So much goodness and insight!
Thanks for your nice comment Char. Glad you liked the video - PDS team member
Thank u for bringing so much light on why we thrive for chaos...amazing explanation again! ✨
Thank you for this excellent video Thais!!! Now I have lots of peace, calm and safety as an AA in your program WITHOUT my ex FA. Thank God!!
Give a child wings & roots.
wow. Hit the nail right on the head for me with this video, Thais! It all makes sense. Thank you for explaining this in a way where I can understand. I think chaos is very much my subconscious' comfort zone.
Wow I can’t describe how this is exactly what I need to hear the most right now. Thank you so much!
Yesss novelty! I'm even like this when it comes to relationships/friendships! If it weren't because I have children and am married to this man, I sure enough would not be with him anymore. I'm ready for a new relationship. I'd rather get something new than to fix what's old. It will still be old to me.
Wow. Sad well honestly you'd feel like this over and over and over no matter who the person after the honeymoon stage. I really dislike my fa ex. For almost every poor behavior they carry amd volatility. I really loved him but he was so abusive and terrible to me. In new relationships right after leaving me, and guess what you would hate your husband if you were treated like this. I honestly am trying to be nice bc your comment pissed me off
One of the systems of self development I study is the enneagram. I'm becoming more interested in the connection between the enneagram and attachment theory. Like, maybe certain enneagram personality types gravitate towards certain attachment styles. I am an enneagram type 7. Part of shadow of the type 7 is to constantly seek novelty. Interestingly enough, I am an internal experiencing FA. Needless to say, I've had a bit of an issue in my life with seeking novelty! In many areas of life.
Thank you Thais. You've given me insight and the words to explain myself in ways I never could
Video starts 01:40
Life isn’t chaos, life is just life (a cycle); **people** **are** **chaos**
Idk, money isn’t *exactly* a problem (besides figuring out how to gain most from investing 🏦🍀). I’ll keep to my hard-hermit-mode and continue shining my light of awareness on what’s good #toooldforthisshit
How can you tell the difference between the FA side of you trying to find everything wrong with the person your seeing and all the diff ways your relationship could end and true red flags? Because even though my thoughts go crazy with this stuff Im still very accurate with my analysis. Even when I meditate to calm the overthinking down the issues that I predicted still come through. I may think this persons personality trait would make it hard for this person to want to commit and then I ended up being right. So at what point do you ignore yourself or listen to yourself. If I always listen I will always be single and if I never listen I will have ignored true signs.
I'm not an expert, I'm just a partner of an FA. My advice would be to have clear boundaries of what is and isn't ok, communicate them and only act when they're crossed. The thoughts seem to be about predicting the future, so you dont have to trust. My FA would jump on any 'negative' thing I did as an "A-ha!" moment, of "I knew you weren't right for me. I knew this wouldn't work out!" When things were shown to be a misunderstanding, I was still left with the feeling of him not trusting me and looking for a way out of the relationship.
This is great advice. Can relate to the above comment very much too. As a highly analytical and intuitive FA it’s truly hard to know whether I’m choosing something / someone that’s fundamentally not going to work out or not good for me or whether my fear of being both too close & not close enough is scanning the landscape constantly for signs of danger and then being like ‘see! I knew it’.
@@gracechan3039 I still have a lot of self control so I don't act on my thoughts right away until I notice patterns. Im more of an observer so that I don't screw anything up. I have boundaries as well. Usually everyone I date is super respectful so its never about that. I would never say anything like that to anyone Im dating I usually confide in my friends about all of the concerns in my head. A lot of times they calm me down. I move foreward by default but I don't think thats healthy either. I should be able to say everything is perfect but I dont feel a spark so I should stop wasting the persons time. But instead I stay wondering if Im just being crazy and a spark will come. Then this person ended things saying he didnt feel a spark. So I wasnt crazy. But I would like to be the one to feel confident in my feelings to end it and not just continue because I know I overanalyze and may screw up a good thing. Just an example of what has happened.
@@s_e_w_p_h_i_e Omg you summed it up so perfectly!!!
@@suras8984 I really identify with the struggle you describe, Sura. Interesting that something typical to FAs is being poor with boundaries, which I understand. It's great that you are clear with them. Good luck ☺️
Since me and my ex finished in December I've done a lot of video watching and she was extreme fearful avoidant... This is her to a tee.. Always a drama always chaos... When things are fine and quiet, she would do something to create a drama with me.. She would randomly end it with me over the smallest thing.. And I would think what the hell? Where has this come from.
It all makes sense now.. But sadly it seems all too late.
Why do my partner (FA/DA) blocked me after an argument and how long should he do that before I get worried?
Have you seen my pleads to CANCEL my prescription to your membership, I didn't know I was signing up for an ongoing charges that I can't afford. Please stop these charges.
Odd...I have always been uncomfortable with the thoughts of newness or the unknown...not so much now in adulthood...
This was a good one thanks
Girrlll I’ve been trying not to go back to this dramatic man I left two weeks ago! My trauma loves him 🙄🙄🙄🙄
@@sunbeam9222 oh dear Sunbeam lol. I finally unhooked myself & then hooked myself to another toxic 😩😭🥴. But! I’m trying to unhook myself from this one too. This one was emotionally better, but there was other drama. It’s like I can’t win for losing lol 😭
I just did the quiz and I’m split down the middle as DA and FA😅😳😩
Thais, what I´m understanding from what you say in this video is that the order of the six basic needs for a person corresponds to how they actually prioritize them in reality not what they wish it would be like. Example perhaps some people don´t have that much love and connection from family and friends so they decide to dedicate themselves more towards Growth?
I just want to be one of those secure type unicorns 🦄
I move every four years...its exhausting
Do you find pro's in it though? Do you enjoy exploring a new city? New restaurants, hiking trails, people? - PDS team member
What about attachment styles as teenagers and how our attachment styles affected our teenage years
The FA ADHD ENFP/INFP me agrees with this message!!
Is anyone also doubting if they really want to prioritize peace and calmness in their lives?... Doesn’t it feel unattractive and boring?)
Hard pass!! Peace & calmness are priceless..I wouldn't trade them for anything. Tired of the highs & lows..I'm good w/ stability throughout. Being an FA is exhausting; I'm grateful for these vids bc they've opened my eyes to my whole life's patterns...here I was boasting about my love for travel when really, it's a form of escape (trauma response). Peace & calm are not the norm sooo I've noticed that I self sabotage (unconsciously) just to return to the familiar comforts of volatility & chaos. I'm determined to do differently and not remain in the trauma cycle.
@@TV-wy1py I guess it can also depend on the age. I’m in late twenties and maybe I’m just not yet tired enough of these patterns. For me it brings some 'freshness' while peace and calmness are kinda associated with stagnation. Anyway - hope that you’ll succeed in your personal aspirations!:)
This was interestinggggg...
My ex FA flip flopped and went from the power struggle phase to Novelty and discarded me, moving to Idaho! A lot of this was covert and dishonest. Does Novelty include deception and lying?
I am a family man, everyone died on me, that's why I want to start a family with you Mary "Teal Swan 🦢" Bosworth. I love 💖 you. #tealswan
Why does this say it has 20 comments but I can only see 1 when I go into the comments and it's not the one showing on the main screen????
😉
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Calling out us enneagram 7 fix FAs
?? I’m a FA and 7 ahah but I didn’t understand your sentence
@@kate7932 Haha, just that us 7s are known for running from our fears through novel things. "7 fix" just means someone has a 7 in their enneagram tritype.
@@zidesce7961 I see!! Since I’m both FA and 7 I guess I’m even more like that ahah and I don’t understand if it’s coming from being a FA or a 7 😂😂😂 I like to think it’s coming from my 7 part 😁😁