When I burst/lash out at someone and apologize, it is not because I feel bad for the emotions I’ve evoked in the other person/people. Simply, I feel ashamed for being so weak that I lashed out in such a manner and lost control. Hence, my apologizing doesn’t come from empathy, but shame.
Very good. Very accurate. I’ve enjoyed this focussed, informative series very much. Understand my stepson a great deal more than I did now, notwithstanding I already knew him to be a narcissist trying to camouflage himself as Aspergers.
Let’s talk a bit more about discipline. Many prefer non-corporal punishment during these sessions, like standing in the corner or (mostly in the US) their mouth being washed out with soap. In other countries, foot whipping (falaka) is popular, or palm strapping with a tawse in the Anglo-Saxon culture. In Hungary, kneeling on corn was a common punishment in the past. Or writing down certain words or phrases repeatedly... Through these acts, the narcissist gets into an altered state of mind and becomes a small child again. Although it only works rarely and for a short period of time, at times like these they actually suffer punishment. Does this bring some kind of catharsis for them? If they experience it from time to time, can they function properly in their families for a while? However, based on their reports, these sessions are followed by an immense feeling of shame, which is really difficult to cope with.
During my BDSM coaching studies I learned that BDSM sessions have hormonal repercussions like any other mind-altering substance including drugs. There is a short-term effect when the elevated hormone levels drop right after the session. And there is another hormonal effect, a so-called subdrop 24 to 72 hours following the session, when the hormone levels are extremely low and they need to get back to normal levels. Until that happens, the subject feels deeply ashamed and depressed. Most narcissists need space and solitude when they are experiencing shame. They become alienated, even asocial. What is going on in their mind during this phase? How do they interact with their intimate partners? Based on my experience, they make a resolution never to go to a session again. However, since this is also an addictive cycle, craving will return, and will be eventually followed by acting out.
This my all questions in English: 1. Dear Sam, first of all, thank you for coining the terms cerebral and somatic narcissist and thereby helping us understand the process of narcissistic sexuality better. Please explain to us in utmost DETAIL what the differences are between the cerebral and the somatic narcissist, and how these differences affect their sexual lives. 2. Now that we understand the difference between the sexuality of the cerebral and the somatic narcissist, please tell us why it is inevitable, especially for cerebral narcissists, that they become asexual? What does trigger this process and when? What can be done against it? Is this triggered by an internal or an external factor? Based on my experience in my coaching praxis, asexual cerebral narcissists try to fight this process and feel ashamed for it on one hand. But on the other hand, they feel superior and special by not having sex. It is kind of a “Buddha” state of mind. Is this some sort of spiritual quest like sexual abstinence and sublimation of sexual energy in tantra? 3. As Freud put it, the libido is a hidden urge, the basis of desire. But what is the libido exactly? Where does it originate from, and how is its nature? Does the fact that narcissists and psychopaths function DIFFERENTLY in their sexuality as well, has anything to do with the fact that their personalities suffer the most serious damages in the Freudian oral or anal stages of development? How does this affect the libido of narcissists or psychopaths? 4. Greek and Roman virgin goddesses, sibyls, Vestal virgins, Catholic nuns, Buddhist monks or Indian swamis all practice sexual abstinence. Same for Hajj, the Islamic pilgrimage. Periods of sexual abstinence have been prescribed in all ages throughout the world, from Taoist monks to native Americans. What is the reason of this universal reverence of sexual abstinence, and how does it relate to the mind of a cerebral narcissist? To which extent is this asexuality conscious in their case? 5. Can we talk about sexual abstinence if one has active sexual fantasies and masturbates or watches porn regularly? Can it be that this asexuality is exclusively for the current partner, the secondary source? 6. Based on my experience as a narcissist-coach, porn addiction and masturbation is typical of a high percentage of narcissists, even though most of them can mask it pretty good. Oftentimes, the wife or partner does not notice anything. She just experiences that the narcissist has premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. As a coach I learned about porn addiction that watching porn and masturbating on an ongoing basis keep testosterone levels constantly high, which causes hair loss or weakening of hair in the long run. And erectile dysfunction is often the result of intense manual stimulation by regular quick masturbation, as it is a completely different kind of stimulus than a sexual intercourse in a real vagina. And that’s why narcissists often lose their erection with their partners. And this failure leads to a vicious cycle because of the shame. What’s your view on this, Sam? Are porn addiction and masturbation actually related to sexual dysfunctions in this way? 7. Can a narcissist quit porn and masturbation by himself, or is it a compulsion? What is the psychological aspect of this? 8. What I also experienced in my coaching praxis is that the sexual life of a narcissist is different in his 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s or 60’s and above. I observed that compulsive behavior and addiction are usually already developed by their mid-thirties. By their thirties, sexual deviance fetishes and extreme sexuality play an important role in their lives. For example, BDSM, golden showers or coprophilia (urine or feces-related pleasure), pedophilia, hebephilia (sex with early adolescent children), latent or open homosexuality, swinger sex (group sex), transvestism, feminization, forced sex etc. Later I would like to ask you about some of these extreme sexual habits in more detail. But for now, could you please tell us how this is related to age? 9. The sexual imagination of cerebral narcissists is even more vivid than that of somatic narcissists, because they are smarter, have a better imagination, read and research a lot about this topic etc. Can we conclude that they are more perverted, deviant or weird in this respect as well? 10. Several cerebral narcissist clients of mine have told me about the following tendency: when he gets in the mood of having sex and calls his partner to come and have sex with him, and she says yes, his sexual desire suddenly drops near to zero. What is behind this? Can it be the reason why they often key up their partners and then frustrate them by withholding sex, or is it more like a conscious thing?
@ Sam Vaknin I appreciate what you do truly 😌 I have a question in regards to how to let go? I have a 23 yr old who has expressed her feelings towards me and she feels I was overbearing, in my defense when I had her I was 16 and her father wasn't involved...so I said to myself I need to be both parents for her. So now I just try to listen to her and hear her out...I worked nights for 17 yrs so others had parented her...I've come to terms with my perceived non imvolvement although hard to process....my question how and when should I let go of my 8 yr old son....what is a healthy balance...his father was involved however displayed NPD/BPD traits so we don't know who he was...my 8 plus yrs in a "relationship" was a lie....I just would like some insight.....My son has a membership at our local YMCA, once I started to notice the lack of his father, I signed my son up for Martial Arts, Swimming,boy scouts...is this percieved as doing to much? Currently, I'm on a waiting list for a mentor for him...
my ex and his mom, mother is a malignant narc and he is somatic/religious narc, brother and sister are all super controlled by her, she basically runs their lives, if she say smile they smile, if she says the sky is pink, you must agree and cannot disagree with her, she will dictate who their friends can be, were to go , to work or to be home with her, who to date , if and when they can ever get married and so forth, her kids are 42, 40, 37, all unmarried, stay with her, dont work properly, if they show interest in anyone they want to date that wil lead to marriage, she feels threatened and will manipulate them and do under handed things to destroy the relationship and chase the other person away as nobody can ever be good enough for her kids, they are all small babies who must be highly dependent on her for everything. her mind is all their minds, her thinking is all their thinking, her feeling is all their feeling, a very sick and twisted women, thankfully i got saved and ran far from them all. Everything outside the house is bad and dangerous, everyone is bad and nobody is good, everyone has bad intentions, racist aweful women, tragic how my ex ended up, i fell into the trap of his narcissim and thought i could help him, big mistake, it hurt me so much and i learned the hard way, so glad to be free from him.
When I burst/lash out at someone and apologize, it is not because I feel bad for the emotions I’ve evoked in the other person/people. Simply, I feel ashamed for being so weak that I lashed out in such a manner and lost control.
Hence, my apologizing doesn’t come from empathy, but shame.
Very good. Very accurate. I’ve enjoyed this focussed, informative series very much. Understand my stepson a great deal more than I did now, notwithstanding I already knew him to be a narcissist trying to camouflage himself as Aspergers.
Wow unbelievable.. he is amazing
Can we get some subtitles for her questions?
Let’s talk a bit more about discipline. Many prefer non-corporal punishment during these
sessions, like standing in the corner or (mostly in the US) their mouth being washed out with
soap. In other countries, foot whipping (falaka) is popular, or palm strapping with a tawse in
the Anglo-Saxon culture. In Hungary, kneeling on corn was a common punishment in the
past. Or writing down certain words or phrases repeatedly... Through these acts, the narcissist
gets into an altered state of mind and becomes a small child again. Although it only works
rarely and for a short period of time, at times like these they actually suffer punishment. Does
this bring some kind of catharsis for them? If they experience it from time to time, can they
function properly in their families for a while? However, based on their reports, these sessions
are followed by an immense feeling of shame, which is really difficult to cope with.
@@narciszcoach8583 THANK YOU SO MUCH 😉
During my BDSM coaching studies I learned that BDSM sessions have hormonal repercussions like any other mind-altering substance including drugs. There is a short-term effect when the elevated hormone levels drop right after the session. And there is another hormonal effect, a so-called subdrop 24 to 72 hours following the session, when the hormone levels are extremely low and they need to get back to normal levels. Until that happens, the subject feels deeply ashamed and depressed. Most narcissists need space and solitude when they are experiencing shame. They become alienated, even asocial. What is going on in their mind during this phase? How do they interact with their intimate partners? Based on my experience, they make a resolution never to go to a session again. However, since this is also an addictive cycle, craving will return, and will be eventually followed by acting out.
@@narciszcoach8583 Again my thanks. Very important to hear your part of the conversation.
This my all questions in English:
1. Dear Sam, first of all, thank you for coining the terms cerebral and somatic narcissist and thereby helping us understand the process of narcissistic sexuality better. Please explain to us in utmost DETAIL what the differences are between the cerebral and the somatic narcissist, and how these differences affect their sexual lives.
2. Now that we understand the difference between the sexuality of the cerebral and the somatic narcissist, please tell us why it is inevitable, especially for cerebral narcissists, that they become asexual? What does trigger this process and when? What can be done against it? Is this triggered by an internal or an external factor? Based on my experience in my coaching praxis, asexual cerebral narcissists try to fight this process and feel ashamed for it on one hand. But on the other hand, they feel superior and special by not having sex. It is kind of a “Buddha” state of mind. Is this some sort of spiritual quest like sexual abstinence and sublimation of sexual energy in tantra?
3. As Freud put it, the libido is a hidden urge, the basis of desire. But what is the libido exactly? Where does it originate from, and how is its nature? Does the fact that narcissists and psychopaths function DIFFERENTLY in their sexuality as well, has anything to do with the fact that their personalities suffer the most serious damages in the Freudian oral or anal stages of development? How does this affect the libido of narcissists or psychopaths?
4. Greek and Roman virgin goddesses, sibyls, Vestal virgins, Catholic nuns, Buddhist monks or Indian swamis all practice sexual abstinence.
Same for Hajj, the Islamic pilgrimage. Periods of sexual abstinence have been prescribed in all ages throughout the world, from Taoist monks to native Americans. What is the reason of this universal reverence of sexual abstinence, and how does it relate to the mind of a cerebral narcissist? To which extent is this asexuality conscious in their case?
5. Can we talk about sexual abstinence if one has active sexual fantasies and masturbates or watches porn regularly? Can it be that this asexuality is exclusively for the current partner, the secondary source?
6. Based on my experience as a narcissist-coach, porn addiction and masturbation is typical of a high percentage of narcissists, even though most of them can mask it pretty good. Oftentimes, the wife or partner does not notice anything. She just experiences that the narcissist has premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. As a coach I learned about porn addiction that watching porn and masturbating on an ongoing basis keep testosterone levels constantly high, which causes hair loss or weakening of hair in the long run. And erectile dysfunction is often the result of intense manual stimulation by regular quick masturbation, as it is a completely different kind of stimulus than a sexual intercourse in a real vagina. And that’s why narcissists often lose their erection with their partners. And this failure leads to a vicious cycle because of the shame. What’s your view on this, Sam? Are porn addiction and masturbation actually related to sexual dysfunctions in this way?
7. Can a narcissist quit porn and masturbation by himself, or is it a compulsion? What is the psychological aspect of this?
8. What I also experienced in my coaching praxis is that the sexual life of a narcissist is different in his 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s or 60’s and above. I observed that compulsive behavior and addiction are usually already developed by their mid-thirties. By their thirties, sexual deviance fetishes and extreme sexuality play an important role in their lives. For example, BDSM, golden showers or coprophilia (urine or feces-related pleasure), pedophilia, hebephilia (sex with early adolescent children), latent or open homosexuality, swinger sex (group sex), transvestism, feminization, forced sex etc. Later I would like to ask you about some of these extreme sexual habits in more detail. But for now, could you please tell us how this is related to age?
9. The sexual imagination of cerebral narcissists is even more vivid than that of somatic narcissists, because they are smarter, have a better imagination, read and research a lot about this topic etc. Can we conclude that they are more perverted, deviant or weird in this respect as well?
10. Several cerebral narcissist clients of mine have told me about the following tendency: when he gets in the mood of having sex and calls his partner to come and have sex with him, and she says yes, his sexual desire suddenly drops near to zero. What is behind this? Can it be the reason why they often key up their partners and then frustrate them by withholding sex, or is it more like a conscious thing?
Hello Sam, I have a question. Does the narcissist recall any memories of childhood or Are all the memories of blocked?
Mostly dissociated.
This is exactly how my Mother functioned. It drives me crazy!!!
@ Sam Vaknin I appreciate what you do truly 😌 I have a question in regards to how to let go? I have a 23 yr old who has expressed her feelings towards me and she feels I was overbearing, in my defense when I had her I was 16 and her father wasn't involved...so I said to myself I need to be both parents for her. So now I just try to listen to her and hear her out...I worked nights for 17 yrs so others had parented her...I've come to terms with my perceived non imvolvement although hard to process....my question how and when should I let go of my 8 yr old son....what is a healthy balance...his father was involved however displayed NPD/BPD traits so we don't know who he was...my 8 plus yrs in a "relationship" was a lie....I just would like some insight.....My son has a membership at our local YMCA, once I started to notice the lack of his father, I signed my son up for Martial Arts, Swimming,boy scouts...is this percieved as doing to much? Currently, I'm on a waiting list for a mentor for him...
www.narcissistic-abuse.com/ctcounsel.html
Bravo 👏🏾
my ex and his mom, mother is a malignant narc and he is somatic/religious narc, brother and sister are all super controlled by her, she basically runs their lives, if she say smile they smile, if she says the sky is pink, you must agree and cannot disagree with her, she will dictate who their friends can be, were to go , to work or to be home with her, who to date , if and when they can ever get married and so forth, her kids are 42, 40, 37, all unmarried, stay with her, dont work properly, if they show interest in anyone they want to date that wil lead to marriage, she feels threatened and will manipulate them and do under handed things to destroy the relationship and chase the other person away as nobody can ever be good enough for her kids, they are all small babies who must be highly dependent on her for everything. her mind is all their minds, her thinking is all their thinking, her feeling is all their feeling, a very sick and twisted women, thankfully i got saved and ran far from them all. Everything outside the house is bad and dangerous, everyone is bad and nobody is good, everyone has bad intentions, racist aweful women, tragic how my ex ended up, i fell into the trap of his narcissim and thought i could help him, big mistake, it hurt me so much and i learned the hard way, so glad to be free from him.