Oh, my. You graciously share strongly grounded ideas for those of us with CPTSD. Growth comes one step at a time, and it is up to us to learn the steps, to impliment the tools. What love! Thank you. Thank you!
@Dreamy Space It is actually Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It doesn't have to be due childhood but often is. PTSD occurs with a single event such as a car accident, assault, tsunami, or any isolated trauma. Complex PTSD occurs over time like with childhood abuse, spousal abuse, cults, ECT
I went with the ' the only person you can change is yourself ' and went NO CONTACT with my bullying narcissistic family members . I had to leave the whole back biting back stabbing lot out of my life . More peace for sure but lonely - a good kind of lonely .
It doesn’t have to be lonely Pavla. In time, the space you created by removing toxic people from your life can be filled by healthy, loving people. If that is what you want. This requires a little work, reaching out and putting yourself out there. I know that for some of us that can be uncomfortable.
It's not really a matter of combatting the pushback. I once found the advice to let people know beforehand that you're working on yourself by setting boundaries and that they can expect you to not do certain things anymore. The more specific you are, the more prepared they will be. Because if you're always for example providing people with food or drinks it is 1. very practical for other people to know this beforehand and 2. They won't immediately assume you are angry or upset with them, instead they already know what's going on. They get defensive if you suddenly change behaviour without any clue as to why. People usually assume something is wrong.
I find myself justifying or explaining why I'm doing something a lot. This only works with healthy people in my experience who are open to understanding you. If not, they will use it as fodder. I started thinking of it as being "breezy" even if I'm hurt inside. Sometimes when you're even silent and the person is ranting they finally hear themselves and reflect. But in general the only way I've found to deal with this is that when a family member starts a hurtful behavior, I politely disengage and I unfortunately have to keep our interactions on the superficial level. I treat it like I'm at work-- my private life is not up for discussion. I still struggle with the idea that I'm not standing up for myself because it seems to invite abuse.
@@cosmolosysthat too comes from a place of trying to avoid comflict and thus is a subconcious taktic to control the situation. Our lesson is to let go of control.
I think it's harder for someone with CPTSD to IDENTIFY their boundaries, than to enforce them. I think it's easier once you actually identify them, and then you will naturally enforce them with others. People treat you as well as you expect them to. I used to be mocked and picked on growing up, but now nobody has done that for years. I know that if they did they would regret it and that's the energy I give out.
Heard on this. Was bullied as a kid growing up and nowadays I can signal with a look that I am NOT to be messed with. There are a few people who test me anyway, but I give them no reaction and they come to realize that I am in no way shape or form taking any mess from anyone.
I think this applies to some but not others. If you're more often in fight mode as a survival mechanism, enforcement is easier than if you're more often in fawn/submit mode. I have some boundaries that are very easy to enforce, once I knew them - but very often in my more ambiguous relationships where I had fawning and flight and freeze behaviors as coping mechanisms, the struggle is very real to learn how to enforce the boundaries even if you know them very clearly. There are skills that need to be learned in order to be able to do that.
@@blackMM there was a time before I knew of my condition where I thought It was simply a trigger I hadn't learned of... And then how to deal with that, it's not dealt with until you bulldoze the noisy Narc. Say you go back to your corner for hours or weeks and come back and address that it was only the case they STFU from continuing talking suggestions and not notice you carry on a task and... And, aren't standing there talking just nodding. Getting the effskee outta there 🙂 talk about injuryyyy.
While that's true, it's kind of hard to live in society and not interact with people. Also, I've realized that my triggers wouldn't bother me if I didn't have cPTSD. So, I'm overreacting and reading into otherwise normal behavior from others. It's hard to tell the difference with c-PTSD.
@@susiehernandez6652 There are people who enjoy fucking with the traumatized to the point of causing a trigger. Why? They get off on it. I've been a witness to it as well as on the receiving end 1000's of times.
In my experience, I get criticized and rejected harshly when I set the most basic of boundaries because I am malleable and a serious people pleaser/appeaser. Then I cave out of fear. This channel is helping me to face the fear of setting basic boundaries. I know I can heal and I know I can do this. Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy!
You can do it! I'm 30 and I'm slowly becoming able to set up boundaries. I still will care how others feel but I am caring more about how I feel. And it's beautiful the progress! Progress is possible my friend!
Don’t cave in. That’s in fact what they want to see you do. Which is why the ignore your boundary in the first place. That’s not an accident that’s intentional. Why would you want to stay connected to someone who intrudes on you? You matter and what you need truly is important. If they leave so much the better. Consider it an affliction fleeing from you. Leaving you healthy, vital, peaceful and available to people who actually care about you instead. Isn’t that a much more preferable outcome than dealing with harassers and predators?
The whole mindset of my mother and my ex (basically the same creature in different bodies) was “Boundaries were made to be stomped on”. Took me 45 years to learn to walk away.
It took about 9 years and a breakdown to realize that I couldn’t fix or change my husband. My husband was never married to me. He clung to his sister, they were best drinking buddies. I was repeating what happened to me as a child. Neglect. I was so focused on the outside, my inside shut down. It’s been a roller coaster, but I’m in charge of my life. I can now set boundaries, I don’t have to cringe inside. Don’t put your hand back in the fire to see if it still burns. Put your attention on the pain and grow strong enough to get the message the first time, if possible. As a kid, the unreality of an alcoholic parent makes one doubt their own reality. To survive we learn some strange strategies. As an adult we have to unlearn a lot and realize there is no book of being normal. Just one moment at a time. Best to you on your journey.
@SheWhoSeeks -- wow, u just summarized my exact same experience, right down to the "45 years", because on my 45th birthday I got the confirmation/answered prayer I needed, that enabled me to grow a spine & tell my Ex that yes, as a matter of fact, I agreed (with his threat) and we SHOULD get divorced! May everyone grow stronger in reclaiming, cleansing, and restoring the joy & peace in our lives, which is our birthright❣🙏💜
Wow.. I was 45 when my Mom passed and I broke up with my ex.. took me that long to realize my attachment to him was the same as mine to my Mom.. it took losing them both to finally get it.. still going through the pain.. this really makes life feel unfair and I hate to pity party myself, but dammit I didn't ask for this.. and everyone just gets to go on with life free and clear while I'm stuck picking up pieces of a heart I didn't break..
People who "care" about you is the key. Verbally abusing you, harassing you, and screaming at you and you didn't do anything wrong proves they are abusive, controlling, and unhealthy.
I have found that people who repeatedly violate boundaries are likely to commit abuse! They start off by violating small boundaries like privacy, like knowing personal information and escalate! They start by intentionally disrespecting others and just keep the disrespect going.
Yes! Boundaries are promises you make to yourself and are only as strong as your ability to keep them. Too many people think the no trespassing sign on their fence is their boundary when, in reality, it's the consequence they deliver when someone jumps their fence.
I started the process of removing people from my life. I was always afraid that I was blocking people I love out of pettiness. I learned it is quite the opposite of petty - it is powerful. The more I have come to understand my worth and my needs, the less difficult it has been to drop people that wouldn’t give me the same consideration that I give them. They most certainly have the right to be who they are. I learned that I have the right to push them off and clear their old space for people who will love me as I love them.
@@jnagarya519 A bully isn't going to respect your boundaries; that's why their a bully. Depending on the extend of the bullying, it may be best to leave as to now cause yourself more trauma. That's how we got c-PTSD to begin with by growing up with people with no boundaries. With some people, you can set boundaries all day long with no change. Sometimes, they can't because of their own trauma. I just literally had this happen on Friday. I had a friend try and control a situation on a couple occasions and when I called her out the 1st time, she tried gaslighting me. The 2nd time she said I was high strung when she was the one riding me for not wanting to be late for the movies even though we were at the theatre with 20 minutes to spare. I know this person has sustained trauma and more than likely has c-PTSD and being early gives her a sense of peace but its to an extreme. If it's not her pace, her calling the shots, she starts pressuring even when she has absolutely nowhere to be. I can't deal with micromanaging and was seeing too much narcisstic behavior on her part. My regret is that I shouldn't have tried with this person as she acts out when she doesn't get her way. It was draining and triggering. Walking away is the best thing you can for yourself with some people. I kept trying thinking it's an opportunity to set boundaries but it ended up with me having a semi dissociative episode; which is the worst feeling/unfeeling in the world.
@@susiehernandez6652 Certainly. I have learned to give a few chances in small things. When that doesn't work I distance. If they want to discuss that, fine. If it doesn't make a dent I stay distant, or even walk away. I no longer put a lot of energy into figuring them out or trying to "help" them. The clearest boundary I've found is to not take on the responsibility of others' decisions. To not blame myself for others' decisions. I may not know why, they may not be forthcoming; but I'm not responsible for others' decisions. If their decision is because of "me," but they don't say so -- gaslighting or not -- then it isn't about "me".
No one has to respect your trauma, triggers, and boundaries…. We just hope that they care enough to. You give your power away when you allow someone to govern how you feel/react. If they can’t honor it then it’s up to you to remove yourself from the situation
Being pregnant and sober I realise that I was never comfortable that my young children were often surrounded by adults who were always drinking alcohol. So I've made the conscious decision to remove us from situations where alcohol consumption in high quantities is consumed. It's been the BEST decision we've made 💚
I'm so proud of you. Thats very loving towards your children. Personally, I am a recovered addict and now choose to not spend time with people who drink at all. It is a poison and the people who don't recognize that and decide never to drink it are not on the same wavelength as myself. There would probably be other things we don't see eye to eye on and I need the people in my life to see eye to eye with me. Thats my own boundary I have recently discovered. Although I'm not tempted to drink or even triggered around those who do anymore (mom is an alcoholic, shocking right?), I've just found we are too different to truly connect emotionally.
Me being sober for 4 years I’m proud of both of you and it’s so nice to hear because alcohol is the most horrible yet legal thing ever to be made. It destroys souls and families and communities . Y’all comments made me Smile ❤ keep it up 🥳🥰👏🏼💪🏽💪🏽
It took me literally years to know what a boundary even was. When I finally got it, I realized that if it was a boundary of mine, I had to be prepared to follow through if my boundaries weren't being respected. It was extremely difficult to do but when I followed through, my life changed dramatically! It of course meant I lost some people from my life but that was the gain I'd been missing.
When it comes to cutting off people who are narcissistic or controlling is when I am going to set boundaries with them. I've been through this before. And the person didn't accept the boundaries I set. So I ended the friendship and cut them off.
Don't blame you. Sometimes even after you lay down the law with them, they stop at nothing. At this point, it may be necessary to give them the ax, as you should.
I just wanted to say that my favorite strategy for establishing and implementing boundaries is the rule of "no". I love saying "no" to people and NOT offering up an explanation as to why I said it. The real people who love you will still be there. The explanation is a privilege, and you do not need to explain anything to anyone. I felt like this strategy was a REALLY great step 1. It felt amazing
YES--thank you, I've struggled with that my whole life. I have to force myself not to offer an explanation....it's such a deep pattern of covering my trauma to offer excuses....not to be rude, just to clearly state "no" without feeling like I owe something--is so hard! My autonomy and privacy was violated, so I never knew how to protect that basic human right--went numb and became a "watcher", a drifter with no boundaries and the disguise of some fiery armor. But underneath, the self-defeating self-hatred was still undermining all self-confidence. Saying "no" is claiming autonomy, such a challenging baby step for those of us who experienced repeated trauma.
Mine are now going to respect my "going no contact now boundary" because some people with high narcissistic traits know no boundaries. This after dealing with over 45 yrs abuse.
It’s interesting that she talks about triggers, yes we have sometimes, but they are nothing compare with rage and reaction of people with narcissistic tendencies. And the truth is that most people with CPTSD have narcissistic family, friends and colleagues. We attract these people. Some of her content doesn’t resonate with me, because I freeze most of the time, . But yeah I isolate myself, I’m clumsy, I forget things, dissociate often.
Now it is up to you to work on you. Use the opportunity to learn about the 'whys' and 'hows' and precisely what it was that led you into that dynamic...and most importantly to grow into the human being you can be.
I will Never understand why a person ignores a flat out NO. I say no six ways to Sunday and it's constantly ignored or dismissed. Retreat and isolation is the only way to consistent peace and quiet. Without peace and quiet I don't have a hope in Hell to focus on healing.
Sounds like those people are not your kind of people. If someone refuses to respect your boundaries, or meet you halfway with your needs, then they don't deserve your presence, in my opinion. You're worth more than that.
@@StudioDeux I agree but just because you make boundaries no guarantee anyone will pay attention. Sadly, only estrangement will end dismissal disrespect. I don't see any other answer.
Auburn and Gray you are exactly where I with my narc mother. Zero respect for my boundaries, won't take no for an answer and doesn't respect me in any way. She truly believes she owns me because she gave birth to me, and that I owe her everything, both my life and everything I earn. She is a terrible bully, and has launched a psychological terror and smear campaign against me. At this point I'm just trying to survive each day she abuses me. I hope you get away from your bullies and narcs. They're energy and life sucking. Take care, friend.
@@ts4686 I hope your reason for staying in this relationship is worth the damage to yourself. It's ok to walk away from a family member permanently. A friend of mine did it with her Mom at middle age. Been 5 years of no contact. She is happier.
@@auburnandgrey4457 I didn't write that I was willingly staying in this toxic relationship. You should know that there are endless reasons why one can be stuck with family, and it isn't just always a clear cut question of staying or leaving. Its far more complex and involves finances, bonds and more. Finances being the biggest one. With due respect you don't know anything which is going on or has happened to me or within my family to assume the way it seems you are through your comment.
My 10 year old son is extremely sensitive and can seem like a “victim” of his feelings and experiences a lot if the time. It’s enormously frustrating for me to deal with. This video just cracked that whole thing open! I have spent years saying to my husband, “why did you?” “ why don’t you?” “how could you?” “how could you not?”. I have been modeling this victimhood to my son! It’s my job to hold my boundaries, not my husbands job to respect them (necessarily). Wow.
I just knew it!! I knew it when I was six and nobody liked me, so I thought maybe if I help them... Again at 26 I just knew this misery was not my real life though I was surrounded by family, husband, three children who did love me...in their way. Now I am going to be eighty!!! 80 this next month and I AM HERE!! my real life. Me. Four decades of recovery was worth it all. We have to pass it on to others now.
Sheesh thx for sharing your joy found later in life , I've been sorry for lost decade & I'm 50 next yr. You give me something .... gosh this happens to so many , I'm not alone in this-
Teaching yourself that people "have a right to be themselves" is a step closer to the real truth: these people are never worth your investment to "fix", no matter how much you think you're doing them a favor. The real favor is not getting involved.
@FlyingMonkies325 I agree. I'm also one of those people who have to do things myself. I only learn by doing, so if someone only shows me but does it for me I don't really learn it. Although you can't do anyone's emotional work for them, but trying to force them to grow up doesn't work. It has to be a personal choice.
Oh, Anna, I just had an epiphany. It just dawned on me, possibly, why we thought we could change someone... Because people were able to change us. How could I not have thought of that before... I do want to say that you have been instrumental in saving my life and my sanity and I just want to whole heartedly thank you!
Really like this. I think they were able to reveal parts of ourselves we suppress, because why would anyone choose to be selfish, nasty, abrasive, I think we could embrace those changes and not lose ourselves in the process even though it's very hard. As someone who always grew up on "the offense" when you start to defend yourself, it feels like you are being rude at first, but really it's like you're leveling the playing field.
Aside from people being outright abusive the Lord showed me not to have expectations of people. Expectations were my triggers. When others didn’t do what I thought was the right thing to do it made me angry or hurt my feelings. Learning to dump my expectations of others has brought peace to me and others around me.
I was in radio for 30 years seeking validation I so badly needed in my childhood. Narc mom, enabling father. You are truly so good at what you do. Thank you for these videos
I had to realise that as an adult I really could walk away, that I don't have to resolve things with people who don't want to be basically respectful. Especially if the same problem is repeating over and over again.
This video is sooo good. Instead of staying in, cancel plans frequently and avoid feelings of insecurity and fear. I feel like going outside, live my life to the fullest, with no holding back, observe my triggers and heal and grow from it. Thanks for sharing this content.
You can't change other people, you can only change yourself or how you react to them. That has been my most profound lesson in healing from my childhood. Setting boundaries with people is exactly how you learn to love them unconditionally without giving up your own self to do it. Your actions toward another person comes down to "what am I going to do about whatever the other person has done? Am I going to love them as is, or walk away from them or set a boundary ?" Relationships, therefore, should be defined as attempting to love or care for another person, while still negotiating your own boundaries. Walk away if it their behavior is too much, set a boundary if it is negotiable. Once a person really internalizes that lesson, it tends to free them from the power other people have over them in a lot of different ways. Not trying to fix them or change their behavior means you also don't need to blame yourself for, or internalize whatever they do, since they are simply being themselves and are separate people from you. It is just your job to set boundaries, nothing else, not change them. I'm still a work in progress, but that's what I agree works. When I stray from this, I fail at relationships. When I keep this in mind, I succeed. Having CPTSD means I know this logically, but struggle to always put it into practice. I have to catch myself a lot and say "I can't change him/her I can only change me. Now, what am I going to do?"
I had my first "rebuttal" with my SIL this weekend. Not an argument, which would usually happen. Not taking his statements, feeling scared & leaving resentful. I just listened, presented my viewpoint & called it good. It was an incredibly healing thing though most wouldn't have noticed. Progress!
I completely agree with this. I've removed all of their toxic behaviour from my life. I've never nagged them. But if I bring anything up, I only get finger-pointing and backlash and deflection. It was difficult to learn that they can't be what I need. I removed myself from their cold war. Now I sit back and watch the fight burn out of them. I've gone on to heal and connect with people who don't use denial and gaslighting. I used to want revenge. Now I watch them do it to themselves from a safe distance, and I don't have to do a thing except improve my own life. My chosen family is now closer than my blood family, because they've earned it - and they're worth it in return.
I'm in the process of removing people from my life who have never valued me. I haven't yet gotten to where I've met new people who are supportive. Hence your sharing that this is a possibility gives me a lot of hope. Thank you for sharing.
I've learnt it's better to be alone than to constantly defend boundaries. Either respect my boundaries or there is the door, simply not doing this no more!
Wow this is spot on. I had to learn from the bare basics as an adult how to set boundaries by reverting back to "The Terrible Twos"!! I practiced by having a quiet private space to say "No!" out loud and have a tantrum, repeating "No no no no!!!" After learning the basics, I was able to start making social boundaries with others without guilt or anxiety about abandonment. I allowed my inner child to say NO when she couldn't before. Now I'm getting much better at expressing my boundaries as an adult!! 👌
If I don’t want to walk on eggshells around someone then it’s hypocritical to expect someone to walk on eggshells around me. If they don’t get my boundaries then I know I need to move forward, not demonize them. With that said, the first time they don’t understand a boundary is usually a red flag that this person might not understand other boundaries.
I’m learning to take responsibility for my triggers. I like being the one to decide how I react. As you said once before, stop rolling out the red carpet for your triggers. Haha. Love that.
I got this question for a while, how to make the difference between triggers, how to identify if they are real or not ... Am I triggered because someone crossed a healthy boundary or because an unhealed trauma?
It's not a merely oversensitive "trigger" when you've had enough! Unless you're trying to save a marriage or something.. but even then, I just don't see being worthwhile. Time to bail!
How can you make someone respect your boundaries when they have already demonstrated that they won’t, and that they are okay with not respecting them. You should change who you interact with.
I am just now at 50 years old learning that other people can't heal me. It's soul changing. The influence you've had in my life is tremendous. I thank you and appreciate you for bringing this insightful information to all of us.
Brilliant. This is the best, most accurate description of boundaries I've seen. This isn't a PTSD concept, this is basic human interaction. It applies to everyone. Boundaries are what you allow inside. Boundaries you place on others are actually called "demands".
Yes! Stopping ourselves from blabbering out whatever comes to mind when we are dysregulated and instead writing it down, is the best way to go. It sure calms Me down! I always find it so amazing that, after I'm alright in the head again and I read what I wrote, I don't feel the need to say those things anymore and I even find them preposterous.
I to find journaling helpful I do art as well and combine writing and drawing while I think about what I wrote. It really does help and gets that panic attack feeling coming on, calm down. 🌻
Growing up in a dysfunctional family where personal boundaries were smashed down by my parents, it has taken years for me to learn that I have the right to state what my boundaries are, and to learn to state it without feeling guilty. I totally agree with you in that we cannot impose our boundaries on another and expect them to comply. We can only state our boundaries without being triggered by feelings of guilt, and hope that the person you are setting a boundary with will respect that boundary, and also keep the relationship going. That said, if I set a boundary with someone then I usually do so with good reason. For me, my mind and my body are sacred. No one has the right to tell me who I am, and no one has the right to touch me or tell me what to do with my body without my consent. And if someone treats my mind and body as if it is theirs to do whatever they feel, with no thought to the impact on me, and especially if I’ve given a clearly stated boundary, I reserve the right to drop that person like a ton of bricks. They’re gone. This kind of boundary violation is a big red flag. I don’t care if it’s a friend or family member. They’re gone. Most serious boundary violations committed against me have come from my family of origin. Other, less serious boundary violations, where someone has unintentionally crossed a line, can be repaired with a diplomatic boundary setting discussion that doesn’t damage the relationship. In my experience of these types of situations, the relationship usually ends up being stronger than it was before because both parties show their respective vulnerabilities, and both take their respective relationship responsibilities seriously.
Anna's wisdom regarding people with CPTSD: "have to basically teach themselves as adults how to interact with people". Yep, she's describing my life again. So glad I found you, Anna. No one has had a clue all these decades...not therapists, certainly not "normal people" whoever those aliens are. Teach, Anna.... Boundry issues....like having no skin on a raw open wound that gets repeatedly shoved in a fire everytime you interact with people....I was like a volcano holding the lid on as the only thing protecting everyone from an eruption...amazing how I was not able to protect myself from people at all--couldn't just say "no"--made excuses instead, covered helplessness with bravado, got involved with people that were NOT who I wanted to be around...every interaction was a slippery slope.....until something finally ripped off the lid and set me off....hot lava as a boundry is not a way to live comfortably. Does finally clear some space and people think twice before crossing you again---about the only positive. To sum up the Rx: Calm the fire, heal the triggers....find the truth under the ashes....bloom like the Phoenix is the hope, no matter how old you are....no matter how many wrong turns or dead ends---keep going in your oasis of healing practice and maybe water will flow in the desert, finally. Peace to you CPTSD fellow travelers out there.
This is so true....i had so much more control over my cptsd reactions when I left and distanced from the people triggering me (my biggest trigger is being gaslit or manipulated) --- I needed to learn that I couldn't make them stop, but I COULD walk away. I gave myself the time away to let my nervous system decompress, and now when I come across similar behavior, I still feel triggered, but I don't blow up anymore.
Their behaviour is not normal, my reaction to their behaviour IS normal. My family says they will help and at the eleventh hour they impose conditions. They totally ignored my boundaries, many times. So I have learnt to never ask them for anything, which is actually normal family support, ever again. I feel free deciding that but also sad and grieved. Mostly because mum does whatever narc sis wants to the detriment of my boundaries and health, ie letting her attack me, terrible
i’m finally at a point where i know my triggers and can pause before i blow up on people, but now on the opposite end, i retreat for a LONG time and can’t get over that trigger for days. i spend days alone and avoid people/triggers at any cost.
I don't want to advertise stuff that I haven't thoroughly practiced yet, but I've been getting into emotional freedom techniques (EFT) lately and there was at least one instance where it helped me calm down emotionally. Also, I've heard people tell me that similar things happened for them through EMDR. Maybe it would be worth a try?
It might take time . I wish my avoidance could have had a translator who would have explained things to people who had no clue how inappropriate & insensitive they were around me following alot of grief & heartache.
Stop and Drop! LOVE IT!! Really needed to hear this, so much more effective than taking a pill, running until I hurt myself or hiding under my bedcovers. It's a face your fears moment. We can do this!! 🙌
This was perfect timing to go along with the video about narcissistic cancel culture. It again shows that that ideology is toxic and about making others responsible for one’s own feelings, and trying to control how others think/behave. Loved this vid! It’s like 5 years of therapy in 15 minutes...fabulous!💗💐
You're right. No one has the right to boss others around. Have enough self worth to move on. "Controling other is wrong. I isolate a lot, but talk to people too. Sometimes you just have to keep a distance.
Amen. What one does about one's own boundaries is their business; just long as they don't violate yours. Sometimes it may be necessary to banish them from your circle.
Wow I'm literally loosing my mind trying to set healthy boundaries with everyone in my life. I'm coming back from brain surgeries and many years of sickness. I want life and love. I want to heal and give love. I want a close loving relationship with my mom. Thank you 💓💓
I mostly agree in the context of generally civilized behavior, but when somebody is deliberately and forcefully abusing you either physically or psychologically, there are no rules and, personally speaking, I will obliterate whatever boundaries *they* have and make sure that they get the message without any questions remaining. No warning shots need to be fired, just a smoking crater where your abuser was last seen.
You hit home with this video. I'm struggling right now with the fact I did not keep my cool with a friend last Friday. I KNOW it was a reaction to my c-PTSD but I'm beating myself up nonetheless. I keep going over and over in my mind what I said to try and relieve myself. I feel like I blackout when I get that mad. I'm mad at myself for allowing this friendship to continue. I was already feeling like this was someone that I didn't want to be around. I don't mind that the friendship ended but the way in which it ended. I don't carry shame about why I'm this way but I do carry shame when I can't seem to pause. You talked about taking a minute to re-regulate and save the argument but I was completely awash in my trigger. It's not an excuse. The other person was also triggered, which I recognized and asked for a minute but then a few minutes later, I got triggered again by her behavior and then I let my feelings out when I was in the heat of the moment. I hate hurting people and I hate feeling hurt and angry by others as well. I agree so much with this video but in practice the unleashing part is so very hard. I'm trying. Right now, I'm dealing with the aftermath of beating myself up for not being able to contain myself. Ugh!
I needed to hear this decades ago! I've been putting the blame on others. I still don't need those people around me because of their disrespectfulness & how they trigger me but I always had the mind set that THEY needed to change. Like magic thru your words & education I now know it's on ME to take the responsibility from others & just realize that it's me that's responsible for how I let others effect me. It is indeed time for the BEST to come out in me. This has been sooooo VERY VERY helpful to me!!!!! I struggle with understanding at times but you explained this in such a way, for me it's like you flipped a switch in my head. I cant thank you enough!!! This was a biggy for me! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!! I'm taking your quiz, now ❤
This is really hard when the person you are dealing with has narcissistic tendencies and deliberately does things to trigger you because they get off on it. Like if you don’t react they will keep pushing and pushing. It’s especially hard when you don’t have the choice to never deal with them again, because you share children/custody.
@@aj32384i was dealing with an over mothered enmeshed man and his family … and narcassism. I feel as the person above .. maybe im not getting it fully.😳
@@karenortega2046 I understand what you mean. If you just control yourself and not give the reaction they are looking for, they simply up the ante. How far will they go? In my experience, pretty far sometimes. Kill a tree, lose money, kill a cat, damage their own property-they are willing to take the hit to get at you. As far as co-parenting is concerned I'm at a loss on that one. Good luck
I got so triggered by this in the beginning that I got mad and almost just shut it off completely. I’m SO glad I kept it going, it’s so smart and lovely.
When I do my daily writing about fears, one of them is always " fear of having to write down my emotions for the rest of my life to stay sane" lol . It does help, but at the same time it's sad that I even have to do this. Can't have normal flowing relationships anymore seems like I have to be aware of being regulated or not regulated and then deciding whether to reboot or not. why is life so complicated? ha. Can't wait to make it to heaven, this place is torment! Also, how can we tell the difference between CPTSD and reality. I used to be able to say now that I've gone through abuse I will be able to tell the red flags from people, but what if they aren't really abusive and they just have similar characteristics to your previous abuser? not even sure anymore lol. For example they use humor/jokes but that can be associated with abuse because my ex used to say he was just joking. Hope this makes sense, sorry.
Continuing the Daily PRactice will help with telling "differences" . Things become more clear. Even better if you come to one of the zoom calls and see if you can meet a "buddy"- reading the fears helps a lot to dispel them more quickly -Cara@TeamFairy
@Herbalwarrior777 Maybe you will find something that feels more organic at some point. You can change, adapt or replace any practice that you're taught. It should be serving you, not the other way around. I think in the end it's not important to label someone abusive, non-abusive etc. but to judge their behaviour with you, and how important you are to them. If someone cares about you, they will be willing to adapt to you as well. For instance, if someone keeps innocently joking about your weight and you explain to them one day that it's hurtful to you.. a caring person will stop doing that. Because they won't put their jokes over your wellbeing. While an abusive or simply insensitive/immature/insecure etc. person will become defensive and call you too sensitive, or keep making jokes about your weight. It's just one example but if they sum up, that should be clear.
I relate to this. I used to gaslight myself with "don't read into things" and "give people a chance". But every time I ignored my intuition (as I had been trained to do), the outcome was never positive for me. It took some practice to learn how to tell the difference between doubt and my intuition telling me something isn't right for me. Unfortunately, you kinda need positive experiences too in order to know what standards to set.
I so hear and feel you on this. I feel I dealt with my crap better when I was younger. I've become "soft" because I'm triggering more - when really I'm just recognising that I've triggered for some unknown reason. I don't trust my gut reaction anymore, because I might be associating a harmless person's demeanor with an childhood abuser. Trying to be more open to people I would've avoided then seems to open me to more opportunity to be triggered. It's a mess. I'm a mess. Back to the drawing board/writing pad 🤦🏼♀️
yeah, this the cptsd is a complicated deal, no doubt. and we as people individually are complex. but mix the two together and its like trying to unravel fishing string all caught up on the reel. i dont know you but with me its like that. i keep thinking and wondering if its me, my personality, just the way i am made or if its this cptsd dictating and influencing the many parts of me? if i could untangle and separate the programing of cptsd i would be left with who i really am? are my wild and difficult emotions changeable? i always admired those who could calmly express or handle themselves in high stress or emotional situations. my whole life i never could. i was like a pin cushion that if you stuck me i reacted, i was loaded with buttons and when pushed i was like the puppet on a string. i know this, if that is not a part of my connotational make up, if its some emotional hitchhiker parasite i picked up from childhood and i can be free of it then yes i want it gone. i want to be the me i was and am supposed to be as much as is possible for me in life.
Just having the words for what I have experienced my entire life, has made a huge difference. When disregulated, I stop and just breathe. Whomever the person is who is causing it just has to deal with the fact I am not speaking to them. I don't care what they think. All I can think of is the word, "breathe." "Breathe," is also a great meditation mantra.
Your advice is compassionate, frank, and practical. Every one of us (our society and our world) can use your suggestions for self-mastery. Thank you for helping in such a meaningful way!
I managed to firm up some personal boundaries 6 yrs ago in some of my Toxic relationships and by the grace of God - have benefited incredibly being able to now Marry and enjoy a beautiful life
I have just reacted in a triggered after asking my sister to respect my boundary. She didn't and I responded in passive aggressive way. I understand we might have a strained relationship going forward now, I kind of want space. But now I have got more info and realise I can't ask her to respect my boundaries anymore. It is what it is.
I cannot stress how much I needed to hear this. THANK YOU for all that you do. You have helped me grow so much. My entire world has shifted before my eyes through this process of understanding. Your work is life changing. Thank you.
Another great video! Thank you so much for spelling this out. It's soo true...and our relationships will never be "healthy" until we understand this. We can save so much time and energy NOT continually trying to change people who have no desire or intention to honor our boundaries. I practically spent a lifetime beleiving I had a "right" to insist that my boudaries were honored by my older sister....mostly because she seemed to think she had a "right" to dictate what "normal" boundaries are...based on HER needs. But for me it was more like "ok, if I have to be someone other than who I am to "meet your needs", of course I expect you to do the same in return, or at least be open to an honest discussion about how we might manage our very different needs and negotiate a reasonable solution. This, however, fell on deaf ears, and a lifetime of conditioning made it difficult to accept that this was never going to change. Then one day (more like a period of months) it hit me...that I'm actually not bound to my sister...I can simply and calmly, with no judgement behind it, let my boudaries be known, and NOT feel obligated to spend time with people who are not willing or able...for WHATEVER reason...valid or not...to honor those boundaries...even my own sister. And no drama necessary! I think the hardest thing about this is when we feel "trapped" into tolerating behaviours due to a (culturally or familially imposed?) belief that we have to find a way to "fix" our differences with family members...or it means we've "failed" in some important way if we give up trying with people whose needs are just plain incompatible. I think my sister is frustrated by this change and likely beleives I'm just being difficult when the fact is, I simply can't do it anymore. I hope that THIS frustration leads her to the same or a similar realization. I'd share this video with her but I don't think she's ready or able to hear it from me.
"Respecting my boundaries" is way too vague! Please be more specific about what you are taking about. If someone is destroying your property, or touching you inappropriately or calling you names. There's a long list of things that could be added to this list. If you call asking someone to not drink around you as "setting my boundaries" I disagree or please put your clothes in the laundry basket. That's a request and it could be rude behavior or you could be unreasonable, I would want to know more about the individual situation before I would say. Boundaries are important for anyone and if someone doesn't respect a valid request then there is a problem!
What is valid to you isn't valid to everybody. My sister "requests" that everybody wear masks outdoors in public post vaccination around her and then sits down to eat with the same people without masks. She would say people are violating a reasonable request. But it isn't. That's the problem with your framing here.
@@pmberkeley that's why I think it's important to look at each situation as it arises. Boundaries are important and shouldn't be confused with unreasonable requests!
Boundaries are negotiable. If you don't like something you are entitled to request others do/don't something but they are entitled to say no. Then you are entitled to react however you please - you have a choice to stay in the relationship or go. If someone repeatedly violates your boundaries, then you should rethink the relationship regardless of who it is. But you can't change anyone but yourself. Once you love yourself and expect the best from others, regardless of what you do, you will find that others will either treat you the way you want or leave your life. Ie. if someone makes fun of me, I would say "I'd appreciate if you didn't do that anymore", once you stand up for yourself and confront them they will usually stop. If not, just continue standing up for yourself and not react or worry about what they are doing. The situation will work itself out. If it's just a matter of getting your kids to put their dirty clothes in the laundry, start praising them for other things and stop criticising them for anything. They will do more to elicit your praise and that includes putting their stuff in the laundry.
Boundries are rules of engagement you want someone to not touch you or your things that is the rule of engagement. If you are an adult/teen and another adult/teen touches you or your things, breaks your things, steals your things you can call the cops and press charges if you turly want. Now the cops aren't going to come out cuz so and so poked you or jabbed you but gropping sexually or hitting you and leaving a bruise you've got a better change of not only them showing but attempting to do something for you. If this is a roommate eviction is possible if you are the owner of the place in my state thats a $100 fee for the polilce to write up the notice for an adult not sure if we do teens but you shouldn't be kicking out a teen anyhow. Put your clothing in the basket or do the dishes are things that can be asked, the rule of enagement here is we co-live together so keeping things tidy is great but they do not need to value that rule of enagement maybe to them clean is empty and triggers them. You can ask 3 times if they are unwilling child or adult no longer ask them ( do not do it form them) you can let it stand or if you need to access the area move their stuff and avoid doing their dishes tell them in advance you will move their things you need access to X or you won't do their dishes anymore if it all piles up so be it you'll no longer provide dishes for them to use once say 1/2 of all the dishes are left by them undone you can lock up access to the dishes and they must now buy their own cuz its your property if you're the parent here and they're an adult or high aged teenager (nearly an adult) they'll need to show improvement to not have to buy their own dishes to leave about or else gain access to your own. They say everyone has games they play it's an ingrained thing we call the social expectations so if you don't want to play that person's game then don't. In my dishes case you are putting a fence on your things that they're using not putting a fence on them "Do the dishes or else." is fensing them in. your fence here is "I will no longer provide access to my own property (the dishes you own and they use only) if I feel you are continuing to not take care of my things by cleaning up them after use." Now do not prescibe a time frame of when cleaning should be done here that's a fencing them in. If you want it done in an hour and they want it done next week they're still not respecting your rule of engagement so they can't have access to your stuff. They say: DO THIS or ELSE statements are ultimatum statements and not good for communication this is proof hunting, bias affirming, and frankly a statement that can also make someone else put their foot down and doubble down on the hated behavior. Instead they say: IF I FEEL x THEN I WILL DO x is better because its in your court now you feel, they can't prove how you feel only you know how you feel and if you feel x way you will then do x action. It also isn't hunting for bias confirmations (if they love me this will be done like I think it should be, or I knew they'd not do that!) proof hunting (they prove yet again how x they are!) You are right that if they are unwilling to follow your rules of enagement then there is a problem but the solution isn't force them into it or put a fence around them. It's inner work upon you to find where this wound is coming from. For me I know don't touch my things is an inner wound from childhood when my mother sick of how messy my room was would go in and throw out everything she devalued as trash that was precious things to me disrupting my room and my things and my personhood I need to process that to get over the fear when I'm triggered that a person who touches my things in present day or borrows my things will toss it, destroy it, or otherwise remove it from me forever this is a child wound. This is kind of why she's saying leave them or allow their behavior to exist eventually they'll have to deal with having too many clothing for the basket but you do not need to stay with someone who is touching you or your things.
@@destroyraiden as you so well express it is not just black and white. There are many choices to be made when setting boundaries. What is a deal breaker for one person may not be for another. As a trauma survivor my boundaries were egregiously violated. Yes there are some boundaries that I absolutely expect another to respect and other's may be negotiated if you want to call asking someone to put their clothes in the laundry basket a boundary. For us trauma survivors it is a learning and they are important to learn.
...I had an abuser literally use this as an excuse for his behavior. "I can't MAKE you feel anything, YOU'RE making you feel this way, YOU need to deal with all of that. (But also you keep really upsetting me and that's also your fault.)" It's still really upsetting for me to hear something like this. Because yes, the actions of other people do in fact have an effect on me. So, while I get that we can't make someone respect boundaries and needs, I still want to find someone who will.
My mom is constantly bringing up weight issues and telling me what I need to do around my house. Triggers me so much. But she is my mom and I love her. She won't change. My mind is always conflicted. I'm at the "What?!" part of the vid and yep. Haha.
I've given up on my mom being my mom I expect nothing of her and my boundaries are to not leap at her orders to do things she request because to her a no is simply a delayed yes so unless she asks proper instead of telling me what I should do with my time I will not do what she wants. It's taken years but she's starting to get the idea. And of course I use to tell her in the beginning ask me or don't define my day things like that which she kept ignoring so I stopped telling her but didn't stop doing as I needed to to define a rule of engagement with her. She doesn't always follow it but when she does I will do as she actually asked pretty close to when she's asked it to reinforce her behavior more.
This was unbelievably synchronistic! I had an incident last night where I said no to someone I love and it was really uncomfortable for both of us Thank you for all you do!!!!
I have been recognizing lately that there is a difference between being triggered, and your body/ emotions setting off warning bells that a boundary has been crossed. People with CPTSD don't know what healthy boundaries look or feel like, & don't realize when theirs is being crossed - in the beginning of their healing journey. Triggering is the beginning stage of your body/emotions teaching you what your boundaries look like. The more you heal and become self aware, the trigger tuns into a warning system that someone is breaching the "do not enter" gate you have in place. Respecting your own boundaries by recognizing them allows you to decide who you let "in" and how far in they are allowed to enter, and who to keep out. You recognize that this valuable gift of yourself is what you give, or withhold depending on their behavior. Do they value you, stick up for you, listen to you, let you know in a thousand different ways that they are grateful for this gift of yourself?
Well, I agree to disagree: If someone is obviously telling sh** instead of the truth and is damaging me or others this way, I am not obliged to accept that. I feel obliged to speak up in such a case. For myself, but also for others. There is a limit to acceptance, and this limit begins where people damage other persons. And it's not always possible to leave suddenly and lightheartedly, see job etc
I have felt the same way as you but I didn't get that she is asking us to accept the behavior that is triggering us, only that we become conscious of and own our reaction and take a little time out to let the fire die down before we reply or address them. Then our response will be calmer and clearer and more effective. Few people are able to communicate coherently in the midst of a firestorm of triggered feelings.
When I started taking risks like leaving home, job, bad friendship or romance, etc, I found that it created space in my life for something new and sometimes better.
I rarely comment on videos but I couldn’t skip this one. It feels like you are speaking from the hearth and really caring for helping people out with free resources. Thank you so much, this video has helped me a lot! I feel relieved and like my mind is kind of cleared up in this matter.
It always turns out that I have to "let people be themselves" ; but yet these same people demand that I either change to accommodate them and/or totally submit to them by letting them control me! Whenever I have gone along with this narrative, I end up feeling "yucky" or being seen as inferior to them! As this continues, I run out of patience eventually and don't want to waste any more time with someone who, I feel, has misrepresented themselves! Examples: Someone continually interrupting me, future faking and gaslighting me deliberately by ignoring my friendliness over the internet, UNTIL they take the time to bully me for finally losing patience with them for all the above, including having no sympathy after an abusive incident with a narcissist!
Thank you!!! Ive always thought about control like this, but it’s often hard for people to understand that that insisting others do something different IS trying to control someone
This is so sensible! Thank you for being so frank, and honest about this dynamic. At a certain point, we do have to learn what we could have learned as a kid with a more loving steady parent. I agree it's not fair to impose our thrashing inner unresolved self on others, and it's so empowering to behave in a balanced respectful way, and more than anything, have faith in ourselves to fulfil that need for ourselves.. That it's learn able, that it's doable, that it might be lonely for a while but that clarity makes way for deeper more freer and easful connection, with the right kinds of people. I totally agree with you, that it's so much safer to "let people be themselves".. Not only because it's honourable and reminds us of our worth and right to freedom, when we live that value with integrity for others too.. But in letting others be themselves, we can see way more quickly and carefully all the red flags, all the warning signs, and make much stronger decisions about the company we put ourselves around, because we know we can do it for ourselves and that unsafety is not worth the compromise or self betrayal. This video is a good interumn step to this kind of self respect and self fulfilling life, towards a proactive and clear life. Thank you
They are insane. Things you can’t forget that’s stuck in your head forever and the things they’ve said, you can never forgive or forget. Mind your business and always know that your and anyone else opinion is just that an opinion it’s not my truth. Respect goes along way. “THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE THEMSELVES “ leave folks alone
I needed this now as I will be making contact with my son with mental health and addictions that has rained trauma down on me and so many others thus past year excilating past 3 months as not medicated homeless ..now in hospital...I REFUSE TO ALLOW HIM TO WESR ME DOWN to nothing wear I give in because um just to exhausted to fight anymore...And my partner also used to wearing me down ..both with schizophrenia FASD both born addicted to birth moms drugs illegal and anti psychotics...I ve spent 2 years in a vice and almost took all my meds and slipped forever into the river....Sooooo ....SOOOOOO soooo gratefull for this to consider befor we see each other for the first time tommorrow in a month ...PRAY FOR ME🙏🙏🙏♥️🕊🤲🕊🤲♥️🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for this video. I'm going through this right now with my boyfriend of 3 years. We're in the middle of breaking up and he's been treating me very disrespectfully lately. Even though I know he didn't like my codependency I now cling harder because I can't accept that someone who supposedly loves me can ignore my boundaries and my requests. It's a fool's errand, I know, since emotionally I already lost him
So helpful. If you can't remove the bad influence, remove yourself from it. Also realising that it is not their responsibility to not trigger me will help me to quicker get to on to the next step of regulating myself, and figure out how to navigate going forward.🙏
I learn every time I listen to the videos. Thanks for reaching out to thousands. A couple of observations: 30 years ago, it was the popular self help 12 step programmes like Co-dependence anonymous The most prominent Writer and guide then was Melonie Beatie. I did this for a long time. But though it taught so much of what is shared here in the CPTSD videos , it did not have scope in identifying trauma and the triggering behaviours. Co-dependency is still relevant of course, here CPTSD cross into each other in : wanting to control behaviours of others to help us avoid our triggers. And realising we are powerless over others every day(!) Writing out our list of wrongs, to eventually make amends, felt to most , like we were again the problem and fault bearers. Me? Self centred ?! What? No!!! It’s the bloody ABUSER. So Co-dependency was aptly coined: dependents on others to help us manage our pain and fears. I agree here, that CPTSD while liberating, can be like a heavy burden we carry on our backs every day. Avoiding triggering people. Avoiding dealing with them. Co-dependency Annon. Challenged, and making Amends to those we’d hurt was tough! Hang on!!! I AM THE ONE HURT here! Right!? With CPTSD and its recognition of internal triggers, puts us back into our own pain, right away. And yes that is Owned. I am responsible for my choices in what I do next. Tough love too, will guide me, it starts with >. Like an Acorn. Everything is within it to help it to grow. I’ve carried my wounded self around for 61 years. Wanting Someone to hear me! But it’s too much for others, or they assume its all self pity. I’ve believed that others had keys to unlocking my confusion, as to why and how, my traumas happened! Now I realise, that my heart, open and free in many areas, is a vast organ, with hidden parts, wherein lie all my deepest wounds. I have decided to TELL all of it, to GOD. He listens. He knows it all. And HE heals. I was not getting anywhere. I’d record in journals Events impact solutions, that was helpful. But I could not access all the triggering past events by sheer will alone. A Therapist would loose the will to live, if I opened my heart totally, poured out all the hurt! I am the type, to NEED to Express myself through words- Art ect. I began to find these videos triggering!!! At 1 point I was triggered by Anna’s email wording!!! “ I’m glad you’ve decided to learn how to …..” Those words terrified me!!! That was my mother, gas lighting, and putting the problem back on me, then saying, it’s good that I “ finally realise I have a problem “. So no emails for me Right! I must be very emotional, isn’t it an exhausting process!!! For me it’s like once I start : Triggered = where does that one come from ? Process = Solution I’m done for the day! There are thousands more all lined up, Queuing , to be Realised!!! Phew! But I am back here, listening. And putting bits into practise. Thanks.🌷🌷✨✨✨✨✨✨✨ ,
Thank you for sharing about your experiences! You would probably find a 12 step group different now, with more knowledge about c-PTSD and techniques like the Daily Practice. bit.ly/3608opl -Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this, a lot of creators seem to lean into the idea that boundaries are things you do to make other people act a certain way, rather than something you put in place to tell others how YOU'LL act in the future. For me it should always be a "I don't want to talk about this topic" and then if that person starts talking about that, you simply disengage or change the subject because that's what you said you'd do, it's not cutting in and saying "um actually that's my boundary you're overstepping". You can of course mention that you've noticed they're still doing the thing you said makes you uncomfortable and you can say you'll potentially have to be less available to them if they're only wanting to talk about this one topic, but you'll be happy to be around them if they want to talk about other things. If they only want to talk about that and they want to talk to you about it again from that stage you can just say you're not available to talk right now instead of either buckling and talking about the topic you said you don't want to, or keep asking for the same change over and over it just becomes distressing. Too many people seem to think boundaries are instructions for what others should do rather than information about what you're going to do and I think people put a lot of the onus on other to remember and adhere to their boundaries without doing specific work to maintain the boundaries themselves.
Boundary setting to noisy neighbours, especially in apartment living would be a good topic I’d like to hear about. Neighbours don’t like it when they are called out or asked to change their way and be considerate. In fact, they make us feel guilty for making a boundary. That I don’t understand. A great vlog topic. Thank you.
Boundaries are internal (not external!) and we must respect them first and foremost within ourselves - then and ONLY THEN other people will feel them. And we ourselves will give off a different vibe and attitude, and we ourselves will will make the choices that don't put us around people who don't respect our internally set & self-honored boundaries!
I would like to Thank you for your immense help and support you are giving to people who are regaining hope that life can be peaceful and balanced and therefore happy again. So many of us suffering from CPTSD did not realise what it was and that there was a way out of this maze. Your work is virtually saving lives! God bless you.
I am absolutely blown away by how powerful this message is. Hard truth is food for the soul and honey you are serving it on a silver platter. All I can say is thank you ❤
Every New Year's, I make a resolution and truly try hard to stick with it. This time I am being respectful and listen to people and quit interjecting my stuff over their stuff.
I was told I'm not a woman when I had boundaries. Belittled to the point it's three years later and I feel like my emotional maturity has reverted all the way down to childhood. I don't feel like an adult woman anymore. It's hard. Every boundary was insulated with, your a child or, your not a real woman.
I don’t think I have CPTSD but I definitely have some emotional and behavioural issues related to my dysfunctional, abusive childhood. I’ve just really started trying to accept responsibility for myself and making a real effort to change myself and stop trying to change others. I like your description of boundary making and how clear you are about how it’s all up to me to make sure I’m acting the way I should be acting and feeling the way I should be feeling. I will save your video and rewatch it as needed. Thank you .
This is why I hate groups that make you post a “trigger warning”. I have many triggers, very bad and have seen my “triggers”. I don’t ask that others post such warnings to myself, and I don’t think we should have to. Everyone has “triggers” and you can’t know them all. It’s upto yourself to scroll past and if you have a “trigger” go off, let it go off. You can’t avoid these “triggers” forever. I live with ptsd 24/7 due to health problems that could happen again at any moment. It’s like exposure therapy, you can’t avoid them forever. Unfortunately mine will be with me forever, as my health will never get better and I will have to face the ptsd episodes again, as I’ll end up in the hospital again going through the same event.
I can understand your reasons and your insight is amazing. Some of us have severe physical conditions that are also triggered and it means a healthier kinder world for us. In a world driven by violence and brutality a tiny place of peace is paradise.
Body and mind are 2 separate things. healing yourself from the pain in the mind will help to heal physical pain...and helping body to heal will help to heal the mind. No one is totally free from any potential illness but everyone can find tiny pockets of wellness, which, over time , can make a big change in your level of happiness. Don't give up dear, even when you hit rock bottom.. because the uphill journey comes only afterwards.
I hope you decide to change the course of your life, implement sport? It helps my mind get clear and things don't rattle around as well as noise irritation, I find I can get through it. Kick 🥊 boxing. I spent months (away from society) prior to recent events that caused a mental upset (family) that caused emotional blockage that I'm now dealing with (still) All things that work I stick with to create a balance & I still listen to meditation for awkward pockets of time where my mind wants to go to dark alleys, it's all a process the more you become aware of the more life you live the easier it becomes. Release the things that aren't yours to deal with
I left my good friend hanging over a month ago when I went to one of his parties and I got triggered by some things he was saying to me. Prior to that event, I would feel my triggers being activated when we would play video games together, and also when I would be driving us in my car. I made a decision after that party that I would at least stop seeing him for two weeks, which has turned into over a month now. I stated my boundaries in ways I felt I could when the anger came up, though in general I let him do what he wants and just felt miserable and depressed when he wasn’t noticing my needs. And that, I believe, is the pattern of my behavior that causes my suffering: I want others to notice how I feel and take care of my needs without me stating or showing clearly what I need. Though I do want to take charge of what I need, I struggle to either find the words or acknowledge what my inner judgments are saying to me in the moment. Living this way is tough when I feel stuck either wanting connection and suffering, or avoid those I feel triggered around most often and feel disappointed when I think I’m not strong enough to handle myself in those situations. I’ve also noticed it’s in situations where I feel stuck that I get depressed, which happen to be places that are either physically confining or socially confining such as my work and car rides with that friend. My own request is to be heard and listened to. In my life right now I wish there were more available people who are willing to listen without advice giving and fault-finding.
Sometimes people use boundaries to control and manipulate. Sometimes the same people accuse others of controlling them with very reasonable personal boundaries. With narcissists it can get very confusing. I finally decided if boundaries are used to control how I think, feel or respond to abuse, or what I do with my own time and life, I will not honor those boundaries and they have the right to walk away.
My goodness. It’s a tight rope for me. I realize I can only ask . I’ve been so careful not to be “triggered”. And what I find that because I can recognize the reaction and even calm myself. However as I gain control over myself I can also see how much I have allowed others to trigger me. The more I don’t react the more challenging it can be. Not only do I become more aware of myself but I am seeing other people in a different light. I’m listening. So hard decisions are coming. I feel my perspective changing.
This was a great video. Thank you!! So many of us forget, if you force people to do things, they have the ability to tell us to take a flying leap through a rolling donut!! Our experiences are individual and that means everyone!!
Yes... Recognizing others' free wills as we even seek recognition of our own free will. There's a need for personal responsibility even of our own healing❤♾❤
You need to tailor this message to parents and schools. Some parents ( and even older students ) are now making ridiculous request of teachers and schools ( which they cannot do due to funding issues, time constraints, the large classes they have, etc. ) AND some teachers and principals ALSO make ridiculous request of other teachers, students and their parents. Thanks for all you do.
I'm so glad this popped up today! I definitely need this information. Long and short I was out of contact with my grandma and my aunt for a year and a half. The last 7 months we were in contact and my aunt seems to think her leaving her job from her narcissistic boss / ex requires everybody to walk on eggshells. I finally got tired of it and mentioned something to her. She got really mad about that and then started saying really Petty things. The little things didn't work so she cut deep and personal and I unfortunately broke and did the same. My grandma and my aunt live together and I can't see my grandma without seeing my aunt. We haven't talked in a week. And I've been thinking a lot about my grandma. I'm getting my thoughts together and I'm going to contact them during this week and ask for a sit-down family meeting which we've never had. Even if they don't want to be in contact with me anymore I think it's important that everything is laid out on the table and no more he said she said. Thank you so much for this channel, grateful!!
My 4 yo was telling me that when something doesn’t go his way he can try to change something or say “Oh well” and compromise. That’s the way to continue feeling good He said “Mom you need to learn to do that”
Thank you for this. When you’re a survivor of narcissistic abuse you can destroy your life in trying to get revenge or destroy your soul trying to get even. It’s hard to get out of that state of misery without trying to seek justice. It brings my heart a sliver of peace knowing the narcissist won’t keep getting away with their nastiness. That karma will eventually caught up to them and while they’re dealing with the consequences of their actions, you can work on restoring the pieces of your soul that they destroyed. Happiness is the best revenge
![TEEDEE TADA - DIAMOND NARAKORN X LEGO LYKN [Special Dance Performance]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/QgtZedFeumA/mqdefault.jpg)
Oh, my. You graciously share strongly grounded ideas for those of us with CPTSD. Growth comes one step at a time, and it is up to us to learn the steps, to impliment the tools. What love! Thank you. Thank you!
Thank you for that support :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
11
11
@Dreamy Space childhood post traumatic stress disorder
@Dreamy Space It is actually Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It doesn't have to be due childhood but often is. PTSD occurs with a single event such as a car accident, assault, tsunami, or any isolated trauma. Complex PTSD occurs over time like with childhood abuse, spousal abuse, cults, ECT
I went with the ' the only person you can change is yourself ' and went NO CONTACT with my bullying narcissistic family members . I had to leave the whole back biting back stabbing lot out of my life . More peace for sure but lonely - a good kind of lonely .
It’s a wonderful change!
congrats, add a loving dog in your life
Hard but necessary, I’m excited for your freedom and healing journey. I’m sorry for the isolation
It doesn’t have to be lonely Pavla. In time, the space you created by removing toxic people from your life can be filled by healthy, loving people. If that is what you want. This requires a little work, reaching out and putting yourself out there. I know that for some of us that can be uncomfortable.
@@mountainwoman1781 uncomfortable at the start, but after a while the discomfort fades away as new found confidence floods in
When people are used to you not having boundaries they sometimes get very defensive or use shaming or gaslighting to get you to "fall back into line".
That's true, and the techniques Anna teaches can help to combat that sort of pushback :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Especially when they are used to you being a ppl pleaser.
It's not really a matter of combatting the pushback. I once found the advice to let people know beforehand that you're working on yourself by setting boundaries and that they can expect you to not do certain things anymore. The more specific you are, the more prepared they will be. Because if you're always for example providing people with food or drinks it is 1. very practical for other people to know this beforehand and 2. They won't immediately assume you are angry or upset with them, instead they already know what's going on. They get defensive if you suddenly change behaviour without any clue as to why. People usually assume something is wrong.
I find myself justifying or explaining why I'm doing something a lot. This only works with healthy people in my experience who are open to understanding you. If not, they will use it as fodder. I started thinking of it as being "breezy" even if I'm hurt inside. Sometimes when you're even silent and the person is ranting they finally hear themselves and reflect. But in general the only way I've found to deal with this is that when a family member starts a hurtful behavior, I politely disengage and I unfortunately have to keep our interactions on the superficial level. I treat it like I'm at work-- my private life is not up for discussion. I still struggle with the idea that I'm not standing up for myself because it seems to invite abuse.
@@cosmolosysthat too comes from a place of trying to avoid comflict and thus is a subconcious taktic to control the situation. Our lesson is to let go of control.
The amount of deleting and blocking I’ve done since healing is legendary. It’s amazing how peaceful life can be after saying NO to abuse.
I get it
One of my best pieces of advice over the years to most of my women friends
Good for you ❤
Wow! I am so encouraged by this. My goal ❤
I think it's harder for someone with CPTSD to IDENTIFY their boundaries, than to enforce them. I think it's easier once you actually identify them, and then you will naturally enforce them with others. People treat you as well as you expect them to. I used to be mocked and picked on growing up, but now nobody has done that for years. I know that if they did they would regret it and that's the energy I give out.
Heard on this. Was bullied as a kid growing up and nowadays I can signal with a look that I am NOT to be messed with. There are a few people who test me anyway, but I give them no reaction and they come to realize that I am in no way shape or form taking any mess from anyone.
I think this applies to some but not others. If you're more often in fight mode as a survival mechanism, enforcement is easier than if you're more often in fawn/submit mode. I have some boundaries that are very easy to enforce, once I knew them - but very often in my more ambiguous relationships where I had fawning and flight and freeze behaviors as coping mechanisms, the struggle is very real to learn how to enforce the boundaries even if you know them very clearly. There are skills that need to be learned in order to be able to do that.
@Abe_11 thank you for your insight!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That was profoundly impactful to read and apply to myself. Well said, thank u for ur enlightened comment sir
@@blackMM there was a time before I knew of my condition where I thought It was simply a trigger I hadn't learned of... And then how to deal with that, it's not dealt with until you bulldoze the noisy Narc. Say you go back to your corner for hours or weeks and come back and address that it was only the case they STFU from continuing talking suggestions and not notice you carry on a task and... And, aren't standing there talking just nodding. Getting the effskee outta there 🙂 talk about injuryyyy.
I agree you can’t force people not to be triggering. What is also true is no one should have to take shit from anyone.
Agreed!
-Cara@TeamFairy
We do if we want a job, but we do need to learn how to manage our triggers.
While that's true, it's kind of hard to live in society and not interact with people. Also, I've realized that my triggers wouldn't bother me if I didn't have cPTSD. So, I'm overreacting and reading into otherwise normal behavior from others. It's hard to tell the difference with c-PTSD.
@@susiehernandez6652 There are people who enjoy fucking with the traumatized to the point of causing a trigger. Why? They get off on it. I've been a witness to it as well as on the receiving end 1000's of times.
Exactly!
In my experience, I get criticized and rejected harshly when I set the most basic of boundaries because I am malleable and a serious people pleaser/appeaser. Then I cave out of fear. This channel is helping me to face the fear of setting basic boundaries. I know I can heal and I know I can do this. Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy!
I would recommend the Daily Practice. It is a free course which specifically addresses the fears you are talking about.
bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
You can do it! I'm 30 and I'm slowly becoming able to set up boundaries. I still will care how others feel but I am caring more about how I feel. And it's beautiful the progress! Progress is possible my friend!
You've encouraged me to do this too, thank you. How is it going.? Do let me know, please. I'll reciprocate. Love from 🇬🇧
Don’t cave in. That’s in fact what they want to see you do. Which is why the ignore your boundary in the first place. That’s not an accident that’s intentional. Why would you want to stay connected to someone who intrudes on you? You matter and what you need truly is important. If they leave so much the better. Consider it an affliction fleeing from you. Leaving you healthy, vital, peaceful and available to people who actually care about you instead. Isn’t that a much more preferable outcome than dealing with harassers and predators?
The whole mindset of my mother and my ex (basically the same creature in different bodies) was “Boundaries were made to be stomped on”.
Took me 45 years to learn to walk away.
It may have taken 45 years, you did it. Some people never in their whole lives aren't able to walk away.
It took about 9 years and a breakdown to realize that I couldn’t fix or change my husband. My husband was never married to me. He clung to his sister, they were best drinking buddies. I was repeating what happened to me as a child. Neglect. I was so focused on the outside, my inside shut down. It’s been a roller coaster, but I’m in charge of my life. I can now set boundaries, I don’t have to cringe inside. Don’t put your hand back in the fire to see if it still burns. Put your attention on the pain and grow strong enough to get the message the first time, if possible. As a kid, the unreality of an alcoholic parent makes one doubt their own reality. To survive we learn some strange strategies. As an adult we have to unlearn a lot and realize there is no book of being normal. Just one moment at a time. Best to you on your journey.
Good for you! I’m growing into the mindset of walking away when I’m around my family.
@SheWhoSeeks -- wow, u just summarized my exact same experience, right down to the "45 years", because on my 45th birthday I got the confirmation/answered prayer I needed, that enabled me to grow a spine & tell my Ex that yes, as a matter of fact, I agreed (with his threat) and we SHOULD get divorced!
May everyone grow stronger in reclaiming, cleansing, and restoring the joy & peace in our lives, which is our birthright❣🙏💜
Wow.. I was 45 when my Mom passed and I broke up with my ex.. took me that long to realize my attachment to him was the same as mine to my Mom.. it took losing them both to finally get it.. still going through the pain.. this really makes life feel unfair and I hate to pity party myself, but dammit I didn't ask for this.. and everyone just gets to go on with life free and clear while I'm stuck picking up pieces of a heart I didn't break..
People who "care" about you is the key. Verbally abusing you, harassing you, and screaming at you and you didn't do anything wrong proves they are abusive, controlling, and unhealthy.
I have found that people who repeatedly violate boundaries are likely to commit abuse! They start off by violating small boundaries like privacy, like knowing personal information and escalate! They start by intentionally disrespecting others and just keep the disrespect going.
Yes! Boundaries are promises you make to yourself and are only as strong as your ability to keep them. Too many people think the no trespassing sign on their fence is their boundary when, in reality, it's the consequence they deliver when someone jumps their fence.
Really well put!
Interesting nugget.
I like that "It's the consequence they deliver when someone jumps their fence". Spot on.
Amen!
I never thought of it like that thank you
I started the process of removing people from my life. I was always afraid that I was blocking people I love out of pettiness. I learned it is quite the opposite of petty - it is powerful. The more I have come to understand my worth and my needs, the less difficult it has been to drop people that wouldn’t give me the same consideration that I give them.
They most certainly have the right to be who they are. I learned that I have the right to push them off and clear their old space for people who will love me as I love them.
Right on!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I couldn't agree more!
So well said
Love this!
How do you deal when you would have to cut everyone out even the cat?!
They have the "right" to be themselves within LIMITS. They have no right to be bullies. Or to ignore your boundaries.
Unfortunately they do. That's exactly the point of this video. You have the right to complain and leave.
@@24G-p5r One also has the right to push back by asserting one's boundaries. To "leave" is to give in to the bullying, which encourages more bullying.
@@jnagarya519 A bully isn't going to respect your boundaries; that's why their a bully. Depending on the extend of the bullying, it may be best to leave as to now cause yourself more trauma. That's how we got c-PTSD to begin with by growing up with people with no boundaries. With some people, you can set boundaries all day long with no change. Sometimes, they can't because of their own trauma. I just literally had this happen on Friday. I had a friend try and control a situation on a couple occasions and when I called her out the 1st time, she tried gaslighting me. The 2nd time she said I was high strung when she was the one riding me for not wanting to be late for the movies even though we were at the theatre with 20 minutes to spare. I know this person has sustained trauma and more than likely has c-PTSD and being early gives her a sense of peace but its to an extreme. If it's not her pace, her calling the shots, she starts pressuring even when she has absolutely nowhere to be. I can't deal with micromanaging and was seeing too much narcisstic behavior on her part. My regret is that I shouldn't have tried with this person as she acts out when she doesn't get her way. It was draining and triggering. Walking away is the best thing you can for yourself with some people. I kept trying thinking it's an opportunity to set boundaries but it ended up with me having a semi dissociative episode; which is the worst feeling/unfeeling in the world.
@@susiehernandez6652 Certainly. I have learned to give a few chances in small things. When that doesn't work I distance. If they want to discuss that, fine. If it doesn't make a dent I stay distant, or even walk away.
I no longer put a lot of energy into figuring them out or trying to "help" them. The clearest boundary I've found is to not take on the responsibility of others' decisions. To not blame myself for others' decisions.
I may not know why, they may not be forthcoming; but I'm not responsible for others' decisions. If their decision is because of "me," but they don't say so -- gaslighting or not -- then it isn't about "me".
No one has to respect your trauma, triggers, and boundaries…. We just hope that they care enough to. You give your power away when you allow someone to govern how you feel/react. If they can’t honor it then it’s up to you to remove yourself from the situation
Being pregnant and sober I realise that I was never comfortable that my young children were often surrounded by adults who were always drinking alcohol. So I've made the conscious decision to remove us from situations where alcohol consumption in high quantities is consumed. It's been the BEST decision we've made 💚
I'm so proud of you. Thats very loving towards your children.
Personally, I am a recovered addict and now choose to not spend time with people who drink at all. It is a poison and the people who don't recognize that and decide never to drink it are not on the same wavelength as myself. There would probably be other things we don't see eye to eye on and I need the people in my life to see eye to eye with me. Thats my own boundary I have recently discovered. Although I'm not tempted to drink or even triggered around those who do anymore (mom is an alcoholic, shocking right?), I've just found we are too different to truly connect emotionally.
Me being sober for 4 years I’m proud of both of you and it’s so nice to hear because alcohol is the most horrible yet legal thing ever to be made. It destroys souls and families and communities . Y’all comments made me
Smile ❤ keep it up 🥳🥰👏🏼💪🏽💪🏽
It took me literally years to know what a boundary even was. When I finally got it, I realized that if it was a boundary of mine, I had to be prepared to follow through if my boundaries weren't being respected.
It was extremely difficult to do but when I followed through, my life changed dramatically!
It of course meant I lost some people from my life but that was the gain I'd been missing.
I relate!
-Cara@TeamFairy
When it comes to cutting off people who are narcissistic or controlling is when I am going to set boundaries with them. I've been through this before. And the person didn't accept the boundaries I set. So I ended the friendship and cut them off.
Been there, done it! It's so fucking hard, but necessary. Life is better without them.
Don't blame you. Sometimes even after you lay down the law with them, they stop at nothing. At this point, it may be necessary to give them the ax, as you should.
That was your boundary - how you protected yourself. "If you cross my boundary I will protect myself by ending the friendship." Well done.
I just wanted to say that my favorite strategy for establishing and implementing boundaries is the rule of "no". I love saying "no" to people and NOT offering up an explanation as to why I said it. The real people who love you will still be there. The explanation is a privilege, and you do not need to explain anything to anyone. I felt like this strategy was a REALLY great step 1. It felt amazing
YES--thank you, I've struggled with that my whole life. I have to force myself not to offer an explanation....it's such a deep pattern of covering my trauma to offer excuses....not to be rude, just to clearly state "no" without feeling like I owe something--is so hard! My autonomy and privacy was violated, so I never knew how to protect that basic human right--went numb and became a "watcher", a drifter with no boundaries and the disguise of some fiery armor. But underneath, the self-defeating self-hatred was still undermining all self-confidence. Saying "no" is claiming autonomy, such a challenging baby step for those of us who experienced repeated trauma.
Yes!!!❤
Mine are now going to respect my "going no contact now boundary" because some people with high narcissistic traits know no boundaries. This after dealing with over 45 yrs abuse.
I do just that delete m block and ignore if necessary so far I feel great
Yes, when people don't respect our boundaries...the next thing is placing physical boundaries (distance/space, no contact).
It’s interesting that she talks about triggers, yes we have sometimes, but they are nothing compare with rage and reaction of people with narcissistic tendencies. And the truth is that most people with CPTSD have narcissistic family, friends and colleagues. We attract these people. Some of her content doesn’t resonate with me, because I freeze most of the time, . But yeah I isolate myself, I’m clumsy, I forget things, dissociate often.
Now it is up to you to work on you.
Use the opportunity to learn about the 'whys' and 'hows' and precisely what it was that led you into that dynamic...and most importantly to grow into the human being you can be.
They have NO break pads.
I will Never understand why a person ignores a flat out NO. I say no six ways to Sunday and it's constantly ignored or dismissed. Retreat and isolation is the only way to consistent peace and quiet. Without peace and quiet I don't have a hope in Hell to focus on healing.
Sounds like those people are not your kind of people. If someone refuses to respect your boundaries, or meet you halfway with your needs, then they don't deserve your presence, in my opinion. You're worth more than that.
@@StudioDeux I agree but just because you make boundaries no guarantee anyone will pay attention. Sadly, only estrangement will end dismissal disrespect. I don't see any other answer.
Auburn and Gray you are exactly where I with my narc mother. Zero respect for my boundaries, won't take no for an answer and doesn't respect me in any way. She truly believes she owns me because she gave birth to me, and that I owe her everything, both my life and everything I earn. She is a terrible bully, and has launched a psychological terror and smear campaign against me. At this point I'm just trying to survive each day she abuses me.
I hope you get away from your bullies and narcs. They're energy and life sucking.
Take care, friend.
@@ts4686 I hope your reason for staying in this relationship is worth the damage to yourself. It's ok to walk away from a family member permanently. A friend of mine did it with her Mom at middle age. Been 5 years of no contact. She is happier.
@@auburnandgrey4457 I didn't write that I was willingly staying in this toxic relationship.
You should know that there are endless reasons why one can be stuck with family, and it isn't just always a clear cut question of staying or leaving. Its far more complex and involves finances, bonds and more. Finances being the biggest one.
With due respect you don't know anything which is going on or has happened to me or within my family to assume the way it seems you are through your comment.
My 10 year old son is extremely sensitive and can seem like a “victim” of his feelings and experiences a lot if the time. It’s enormously frustrating for me to deal with. This video just cracked that whole thing open! I have spent years saying to my husband, “why did you?” “ why don’t you?” “how could you?” “how could you not?”. I have been modeling this victimhood to my son! It’s my job to hold my boundaries, not my husbands job to respect them (necessarily). Wow.
It s not exactly like this. If people Don t respect our boundaries we can t have a balanced relationship with them
I just knew it!! I knew it when I was six and nobody liked me, so I thought maybe if I help them... Again at 26 I just knew this misery was not my real life though I was surrounded by family, husband, three children who did love me...in their way. Now I am going to be eighty!!! 80 this next month and I AM HERE!! my real life. Me. Four decades of recovery was worth it all. We have to pass it on to others now.
Awesome message!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sheesh thx for sharing your joy found later in life , I've been sorry for lost decade & I'm 50 next yr. You give me something .... gosh this happens to so many , I'm not alone in this-
MaryLou, thank you for sharing! I also am a senior, and I find this lovely Fairy brings clarity and understanding to my long life- finally;)
No one has the "right to be themselves" while transgressing others' boundaries; only within their own boundaries.
Teaching yourself that people "have a right to be themselves" is a step closer to the real truth: these people are never worth your investment to "fix", no matter how much you think you're doing them a favor. The real favor is not getting involved.
@FlyingMonkies325 I agree. I'm also one of those people who have to do things myself. I only learn by doing, so if someone only shows me but does it for me I don't really learn it. Although you can't do anyone's emotional work for them, but trying to force them to grow up doesn't work. It has to be a personal choice.
Oh, Anna, I just had an epiphany. It just dawned on me, possibly, why we thought we could change someone... Because people were able to change us. How could I not have thought of that before... I do want to say that you have been instrumental in saving my life and my sanity and I just want to whole heartedly thank you!
Thank you too!
Really like this. I think they were able to reveal parts of ourselves we suppress, because why would anyone choose to be selfish, nasty, abrasive, I think we could embrace those changes and not lose ourselves in the process even though it's very hard.
As someone who always grew up on "the offense" when you start to defend yourself, it feels like you are being rude at first, but really it's like you're leveling the playing field.
Aside from people being outright abusive the Lord showed me not to have expectations of people. Expectations were my triggers. When others didn’t do what I thought was the right thing to do it made me angry or hurt my feelings. Learning to dump my expectations of others has brought peace to me and others around me.
❤
I was in radio for 30 years seeking validation I so badly needed in my childhood. Narc mom, enabling father. You are truly so good at what you do. Thank you for these videos
Thank you for chiming it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I had to realise that as an adult I really could walk away, that I don't have to resolve things with people who don't want to be basically respectful. Especially if the same problem is repeating over and over again.
Great point.
This video is sooo good. Instead of staying in, cancel plans frequently and avoid feelings of insecurity and fear. I feel like going outside, live my life to the fullest, with no holding back, observe my triggers and heal and grow from it. Thanks for sharing this content.
You can't change other people, you can only change yourself or how you react to them. That has been my most profound lesson in healing from my childhood.
Setting boundaries with people is exactly how you learn to love them unconditionally without giving up your own self to do it. Your actions toward another person comes down to "what am I going to do about whatever the other person has done? Am I going to love them as is, or walk away from them or set a boundary ?" Relationships, therefore, should be defined as attempting to love or care for another person, while still negotiating your own boundaries. Walk away if it their behavior is too much, set a boundary if it is negotiable.
Once a person really internalizes that lesson, it tends to free them from the power other people have over them in a lot of different ways. Not trying to fix them or change their behavior means you also don't need to blame yourself for, or internalize whatever they do, since they are simply being themselves and are separate people from you. It is just your job to set boundaries, nothing else, not change them.
I'm still a work in progress, but that's what I agree works. When I stray from this, I fail at relationships. When I keep this in mind, I succeed. Having CPTSD means I know this logically, but struggle to always put it into practice. I have to catch myself a lot and say "I can't change him/her I can only change me. Now, what am I going to do?"
That's the work, great job!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you. Awesome clarity that I needed!
You define the work so clearly, thank you. In progress too, trying to learn and heal.
I had my first "rebuttal" with my SIL this weekend. Not an argument, which would usually happen. Not taking his statements, feeling scared & leaving resentful. I just listened, presented my viewpoint & called it good. It was an incredibly healing thing though most wouldn't have noticed. Progress!
L..
I just got a flash of Don Quixote there. Congratulations 👏 No more fighting windmills
Sil...."his" statements...?
Good for you!
@@astrialindah2773 probably son-in-law
I completely agree with this. I've removed all of their toxic behaviour from my life. I've never nagged them. But if I bring anything up, I only get finger-pointing and backlash and deflection. It was difficult to learn that they can't be what I need.
I removed myself from their cold war. Now I sit back and watch the fight burn out of them. I've gone on to heal and connect with people who don't use denial and gaslighting.
I used to want revenge. Now I watch them do it to themselves from a safe distance, and I don't have to do a thing except improve my own life. My chosen family is now closer than my blood family, because they've earned it - and they're worth it in return.
Same!
Good on you for doing the work and have results!
How I wish I was there!! (Like, yesterday)
I'm in the process of removing people from my life who have never valued me. I haven't yet gotten to where I've met new people who are supportive. Hence your sharing that this is a possibility gives me a lot of hope. Thank you for sharing.
I've learnt it's better to be alone than to constantly defend boundaries. Either respect my boundaries or there is the door, simply not doing this no more!
Wow this is spot on. I had to learn from the bare basics as an adult how to set boundaries by reverting back to "The Terrible Twos"!! I practiced by having a quiet private space to say "No!" out loud and have a tantrum, repeating "No no no no!!!"
After learning the basics, I was able to start making social boundaries with others without guilt or anxiety about abandonment. I allowed my inner child to say NO when she couldn't before. Now I'm getting much better at expressing my boundaries as an adult!! 👌
If I don’t want to walk on eggshells around someone then it’s hypocritical to expect someone to walk on eggshells around me. If they don’t get my boundaries then I know I need to move forward, not demonize them. With that said, the first time they don’t understand a boundary is usually a red flag that this person might not understand other boundaries.
Good point!
-Cara@TeamFairy
When they have the rage attack for politely saying you can't do that to me anymore, that's the ultimate red flag!
I’m learning to take responsibility for my triggers. I like being the one to decide how I react. As you said once before, stop rolling out the red carpet for your triggers. Haha. Love that.
I love that too :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I got this question for a while, how to make the difference between triggers, how to identify if they are real or not ... Am I triggered because someone crossed a healthy boundary or because an unhealed trauma?
It's not a merely oversensitive "trigger" when you've had enough! Unless you're trying to save a marriage or something.. but even then, I just don't see being worthwhile. Time to bail!
How can you make someone respect your boundaries when they have already demonstrated that they won’t, and that they are okay with not respecting them. You should change who you interact with.
Fool me once- shame on you;
Fool me twice, shame on me.
It gets tricky at work.
I am just now at 50 years old learning that other people can't heal me. It's soul changing. The influence you've had in my life is tremendous. I thank you and appreciate you for bringing this insightful information to all of us.
Wonderful! Thank you!
Brilliant. This is the best, most accurate description of boundaries I've seen. This isn't a PTSD concept, this is basic human interaction. It applies to everyone. Boundaries are what you allow inside. Boundaries you place on others are actually called "demands".
Yes! Stopping ourselves from blabbering out whatever comes to mind when we are dysregulated and instead writing it down, is the best way to go. It sure calms Me down! I always find it so amazing that, after I'm alright in the head again and I read what I wrote, I don't feel the need to say those things anymore and I even find them preposterous.
I to find journaling helpful I do art as well and combine writing and drawing while I think about what I wrote. It really does help and gets that panic attack feeling coming on, calm down. 🌻
Growing up in a dysfunctional family where personal boundaries were smashed down by my parents, it has taken years for me to learn that I have the right to state what my boundaries are, and to learn to state it without feeling guilty.
I totally agree with you in that we cannot impose our boundaries on another and expect them to comply. We can only state our boundaries without being triggered by feelings of guilt, and hope that the person you are setting a boundary with will respect that boundary, and also keep the relationship going.
That said, if I set a boundary with someone then I usually do so with good reason. For me, my mind and my body are sacred. No one has the right to tell me who I am, and no one has the right to touch me or tell me what to do with my body without my consent. And if someone treats my mind and body as if it is theirs to do whatever they feel, with no thought to the impact on me, and especially if I’ve given a clearly stated boundary, I reserve the right to drop that person like a ton of bricks. They’re gone. This kind of boundary violation is a big red flag. I don’t care if it’s a friend or family member. They’re gone. Most serious boundary violations committed against me have come from my family of origin.
Other, less serious boundary violations, where someone has unintentionally crossed a line, can be repaired with a diplomatic boundary setting discussion that doesn’t damage the relationship. In my experience of these types of situations, the relationship usually ends up being stronger than it was before because both parties show their respective vulnerabilities, and both take their respective relationship responsibilities seriously.
Anna's wisdom regarding people with CPTSD: "have to basically teach themselves as adults how to interact with people". Yep, she's describing my life again. So glad I found you, Anna. No one has had a clue all these decades...not therapists, certainly not "normal people" whoever those aliens are. Teach, Anna....
Boundry issues....like having no skin on a raw open wound that gets repeatedly shoved in a fire everytime you interact with people....I was like a volcano holding the lid on as the only thing protecting everyone from an eruption...amazing how I was not able to protect myself from people at all--couldn't just say "no"--made excuses instead, covered helplessness with bravado, got involved with people that were NOT who I wanted to be around...every interaction was a slippery slope.....until something finally ripped off the lid and set me off....hot lava as a boundry is not a way to live comfortably. Does finally clear some space and people think twice before crossing you again---about the only positive.
To sum up the Rx: Calm the fire, heal the triggers....find the truth under the ashes....bloom like the Phoenix is the hope, no matter how old you are....no matter how many wrong turns or dead ends---keep going in your oasis of healing practice and maybe water will flow in the desert, finally. Peace to you CPTSD fellow travelers out there.
Thank you ❤
This is so true....i had so much more control over my cptsd reactions when I left and distanced from the people triggering me (my biggest trigger is being gaslit or manipulated) --- I needed to learn that I couldn't make them stop, but I COULD walk away.
I gave myself the time away to let my nervous system decompress, and now when I come across similar behavior, I still feel triggered, but I don't blow up anymore.
Their behaviour is not normal, my reaction to their behaviour IS normal. My family says they will help and at the eleventh hour they impose conditions. They totally ignored my boundaries, many times. So I have learnt to never ask them for anything, which is actually normal family support, ever again. I feel free deciding that but also sad and grieved. Mostly because mum does whatever narc sis wants to the detriment of my boundaries and health, ie letting her attack me, terrible
You're not alone, it's hard work.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I completely understand and I'm sorry you have to deal with very abusive people.
i’m finally at a point where i know my triggers and can pause before i blow up on people, but now on the opposite end, i retreat for a LONG time and can’t get over that trigger for days. i spend days alone and avoid people/triggers at any cost.
I don't want to advertise stuff that I haven't thoroughly practiced yet, but I've been getting into emotional freedom techniques (EFT) lately and there was at least one instance where it helped me calm down emotionally. Also, I've heard people tell me that similar things happened for them through EMDR. Maybe it would be worth a try?
It might take time . I wish my avoidance could have had a translator who would have explained things to people who had no clue how inappropriate & insensitive they were around me following alot of grief & heartache.
Same here! Just getting over an interaction that occurred 3 weeks ago. Been hiding ever since.
Stop and Drop! LOVE IT!! Really needed to hear this, so much more effective than taking a pill, running until I hurt myself or hiding under my bedcovers. It's a face your fears moment. We can do this!! 🙌
“What prompts our healing is usually friction” YES! Use that friction as a tool to explore triggers, feelings, healing! ❤
This was perfect timing to go along with the video about narcissistic cancel culture. It again shows that that ideology is toxic and about making others responsible for one’s own feelings, and trying to control how others think/behave. Loved this vid! It’s like 5 years of therapy in 15 minutes...fabulous!💗💐
Appreciate you 💜💪
-Cara@TeamFairy
You're right. No one has the right to boss others around. Have enough self worth to move on. "Controling other is wrong. I isolate a lot, but talk to people too. Sometimes you just have to keep a distance.
Amen. What one does about one's own boundaries is their business; just long as they don't violate yours. Sometimes it may be necessary to banish them from your circle.
Wow I'm literally loosing my mind trying to set healthy boundaries with everyone in my life. I'm coming back from brain surgeries and many years of sickness. I want life and love. I want to heal and give love. I want a close loving relationship with my mom.
Thank you 💓💓
You can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Don't tell yourself your losing your mind . Your mind is listening - your close to your mom now & all is well breathe
I mostly agree in the context of generally civilized behavior, but when somebody is deliberately and forcefully abusing you either physically or psychologically, there are no rules and, personally speaking, I will obliterate whatever boundaries *they* have and make sure that they get the message without any questions remaining. No warning shots need to be fired, just a smoking crater where your abuser was last seen.
Love this, some people definitely need the scorched earth treatment!
@David_Wright that sounds right!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you for the confirmation 👍🏼
I have played dirty like that too. Sometimes it works and sometimes it really doesn't.
Wish you were my look out, my friend ,defender way back when
You hit home with this video. I'm struggling right now with the fact I did not keep my cool with a friend last Friday. I KNOW it was a reaction to my c-PTSD but I'm beating myself up nonetheless. I keep going over and over in my mind what I said to try and relieve myself. I feel like I blackout when I get that mad. I'm mad at myself for allowing this friendship to continue. I was already feeling like this was someone that I didn't want to be around. I don't mind that the friendship ended but the way in which it ended. I don't carry shame about why I'm this way but I do carry shame when I can't seem to pause. You talked about taking a minute to re-regulate and save the argument but I was completely awash in my trigger. It's not an excuse. The other person was also triggered, which I recognized and asked for a minute but then a few minutes later, I got triggered again by her behavior and then I let my feelings out when I was in the heat of the moment. I hate hurting people and I hate feeling hurt and angry by others as well. I agree so much with this video but in practice the unleashing part is so very hard. I'm trying. Right now, I'm dealing with the aftermath of beating myself up for not being able to contain myself. Ugh!
I needed to hear this decades ago! I've been putting the blame on others. I still don't need those people around me because of their disrespectfulness & how they trigger me but I always had the mind set that THEY needed to change. Like magic thru your words & education I now know it's on ME to take the responsibility from others & just realize that it's me that's responsible for how I let others effect me. It is indeed time for the BEST to come out in me. This has been sooooo VERY VERY helpful to me!!!!! I struggle with understanding at times but you explained this in such a way, for me it's like you flipped a switch in my head. I cant thank you enough!!! This was a biggy for me! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!
I'm taking your quiz, now ❤
This is really hard when the person you are dealing with has narcissistic tendencies and deliberately does things to trigger you because they get off on it. Like if you don’t react they will keep pushing and pushing. It’s especially hard when you don’t have the choice to never deal with them again, because you share children/custody.
You need to watch the video again.
@@aj32384i was dealing with an over mothered enmeshed man and his family … and narcassism. I feel as the person above .. maybe im not getting it fully.😳
@@karenortega2046 I understand what you mean. If you just control yourself and not give the reaction they are looking for, they simply up the ante. How far will they go? In my experience, pretty far sometimes. Kill a tree, lose money, kill a cat, damage their own property-they are willing to take the hit to get at you. As far as co-parenting is concerned I'm at a loss on that one. Good luck
Anna, you are a SAGE in our time. Thank you!
I got so triggered by this in the beginning that I got mad and almost just shut it off completely. I’m SO glad I kept it going, it’s so smart and lovely.
When I do my daily writing about fears, one of them is always " fear of having to write down my emotions for the rest of my life to stay sane" lol . It does help, but at the same time it's sad that I even have to do this. Can't have normal flowing relationships anymore seems like I have to be aware of being regulated or not regulated and then deciding whether to reboot or not. why is life so complicated? ha. Can't wait to make it to heaven, this place is torment!
Also, how can we tell the difference between CPTSD and reality. I used to be able to say now that I've gone through abuse I will be able to tell the red flags from people, but what if they aren't really abusive and they just have similar characteristics to your previous abuser? not even sure anymore lol. For example they use humor/jokes but that can be associated with abuse because my ex used to say he was just joking. Hope this makes sense, sorry.
Continuing the Daily PRactice will help with telling "differences" . Things become more clear. Even better if you come to one of the zoom calls and see if you can meet a "buddy"- reading the fears helps a lot to dispel them more quickly
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Herbalwarrior777 Maybe you will find something that feels more organic at some point. You can change, adapt or replace any practice that you're taught. It should be serving you, not the other way around. I think in the end it's not important to label someone abusive, non-abusive etc. but to judge their behaviour with you, and how important you are to them. If someone cares about you, they will be willing to adapt to you as well. For instance, if someone keeps innocently joking about your weight and you explain to them one day that it's hurtful to you.. a caring person will stop doing that. Because they won't put their jokes over your wellbeing. While an abusive or simply insensitive/immature/insecure etc. person will become defensive and call you too sensitive, or keep making jokes about your weight. It's just one example but if they sum up, that should be clear.
I relate to this. I used to gaslight myself with "don't read into things" and "give people a chance". But every time I ignored my intuition (as I had been trained to do), the outcome was never positive for me. It took some practice to learn how to tell the difference between doubt and my intuition telling me something isn't right for me. Unfortunately, you kinda need positive experiences too in order to know what standards to set.
I so hear and feel you on this. I feel I dealt with my crap better when I was younger. I've become "soft" because I'm triggering more - when really I'm just recognising that I've triggered for some unknown reason. I don't trust my gut reaction anymore, because I might be associating a harmless person's demeanor with an childhood abuser.
Trying to be more open to people I would've avoided then seems to open me to more opportunity to be triggered. It's a mess. I'm a mess.
Back to the drawing board/writing pad 🤦🏼♀️
yeah, this the cptsd is a complicated deal, no doubt. and we as people individually are complex. but mix the two together and its like trying to unravel fishing string all caught up on the reel. i dont know you but with me its like that. i keep thinking and wondering if its me, my personality, just the way i am made or if its this cptsd dictating and influencing the many parts of me? if i could untangle and separate the programing of cptsd i would be left with who i really am? are my wild and difficult emotions changeable? i always admired those who could calmly express or handle themselves in high stress or emotional situations. my whole life i never could. i was like a pin cushion that if you stuck me i reacted, i was loaded with buttons and when pushed i was like the puppet on a string. i know this, if that is not a part of my connotational make up, if its some emotional hitchhiker parasite i picked up from childhood and i can be free of it then yes i want it gone. i want to be the me i was and am supposed to be as much as is possible for me in life.
Just having the words for what I have experienced my entire life, has made a huge difference. When disregulated, I stop and just breathe. Whomever the person is who is causing it just has to deal with the fact I am not speaking to them. I don't care what they think. All I can think of is the word, "breathe." "Breathe," is also a great meditation mantra.
Your advice is compassionate, frank, and practical. Every one of us (our society and our world) can use your suggestions for self-mastery. Thank you for helping in such a meaningful way!
Well said!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I managed to firm up some personal boundaries 6 yrs ago in some of my Toxic relationships and by the grace of God - have benefited incredibly being able to now Marry and enjoy a beautiful life
I have just reacted in a triggered after asking my sister to respect my boundary. She didn't and I responded in passive aggressive way. I understand we might have a strained relationship going forward now, I kind of want space. But now I have got more info and realise I can't ask her to respect my boundaries anymore. It is what it is.
Sounds like you're well on your way in your healing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I cannot stress how much I needed to hear this. THANK YOU for all that you do. You have helped me grow so much. My entire world has shifted before my eyes through this process of understanding. Your work is life changing. Thank you.
You are so welcome. Thank you for watching! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Another great video! Thank you so much for spelling this out. It's soo true...and our relationships will never be "healthy" until we understand this.
We can save so much time and energy NOT continually trying to change people who have no desire or intention to honor our boundaries. I practically spent a lifetime beleiving I had a "right" to insist that my boudaries were honored by my older sister....mostly because she seemed to think she had a "right" to dictate what "normal" boundaries are...based on HER needs. But for me it was more like "ok, if I have to be someone other than who I am to "meet your needs", of course I expect you to do the same in return, or at least be open to an honest discussion about how we might manage our very different needs and negotiate a reasonable solution. This, however, fell on deaf ears, and a lifetime of conditioning made it difficult to accept that this was never going to change. Then one day (more like a period of months) it hit me...that I'm actually not bound to my sister...I can simply and calmly, with no judgement behind it, let my boudaries be known, and NOT feel obligated to spend time with people who are not willing or able...for WHATEVER reason...valid or not...to honor those boundaries...even my own sister. And no drama necessary!
I think the hardest thing about this is when we feel "trapped" into tolerating behaviours due to a (culturally or familially imposed?) belief that we have to find a way to "fix" our differences with family members...or it means we've "failed" in some important way if we give up trying with people whose needs are just plain incompatible.
I think my sister is frustrated by this change and likely beleives I'm just being difficult when the fact is, I simply can't do it anymore. I hope that THIS frustration leads her to the same or a similar realization.
I'd share this video with her but I don't think she's ready or able to hear it from me.
"Respecting my boundaries" is way too vague! Please be more specific about what you are taking about. If someone is destroying your property, or touching you inappropriately or calling you names. There's a long list of things that could be added to this list. If you call asking someone to not drink around you as "setting my boundaries" I disagree or please put your clothes in the laundry basket. That's a request and it could be rude behavior or you could be unreasonable, I would want to know more about the individual situation before I would say. Boundaries are important for anyone and if someone doesn't respect a valid request then there is a problem!
What is valid to you isn't valid to everybody. My sister "requests" that everybody wear masks outdoors in public post vaccination around her and then sits down to eat with the same people without masks. She would say people are violating a reasonable request. But it isn't. That's the problem with your framing here.
@@pmberkeley that's why I think it's important to look at each situation as it arises. Boundaries are important and shouldn't be confused with unreasonable requests!
Boundaries are negotiable. If you don't like something you are entitled to request others do/don't something but they are entitled to say no. Then you are entitled to react however you please - you have a choice to stay in the relationship or go. If someone repeatedly violates your boundaries, then you should rethink the relationship regardless of who it is. But you can't change anyone but yourself. Once you love yourself and expect the best from others, regardless of what you do, you will find that others will either treat you the way you want or leave your life. Ie. if someone makes fun of me, I would say "I'd appreciate if you didn't do that anymore", once you stand up for yourself and confront them they will usually stop. If not, just continue standing up for yourself and not react or worry about what they are doing. The situation will work itself out. If it's just a matter of getting your kids to put their dirty clothes in the laundry, start praising them for other things and stop criticising them for anything. They will do more to elicit your praise and that includes putting their stuff in the laundry.
Boundries are rules of engagement you want someone to not touch you or your things that is the rule of engagement.
If you are an adult/teen and another adult/teen touches you or your things, breaks your things, steals your things you can call the cops and press charges if you turly want.
Now the cops aren't going to come out cuz so and so poked you or jabbed you but gropping sexually or hitting you and leaving a bruise you've got a better change of not only them showing but attempting to do something for you.
If this is a roommate eviction is possible if you are the owner of the place in my state thats a $100 fee for the polilce to write up the notice for an adult not sure if we do teens but you shouldn't be kicking out a teen anyhow.
Put your clothing in the basket or do the dishes are things that can be asked, the rule of enagement here is we co-live together so keeping things tidy is great but they do not need to value that rule of enagement maybe to them clean is empty and triggers them.
You can ask 3 times if they are unwilling child or adult no longer ask them ( do not do it form them) you can let it stand or if you need to access the area move their stuff and avoid doing their dishes tell them in advance you will move their things you need access to X or you won't do their dishes anymore if it all piles up so be it you'll no longer provide dishes for them to use once say 1/2 of all the dishes are left by them undone you can lock up access to the dishes and they must now buy their own cuz its your property if you're the parent here and they're an adult or high aged teenager (nearly an adult) they'll need to show improvement to not have to buy their own dishes to leave about or else gain access to your own.
They say everyone has games they play it's an ingrained thing we call the social expectations so if you don't want to play that person's game then don't.
In my dishes case you are putting a fence on your things that they're using not putting a fence on them "Do the dishes or else." is fensing them in.
your fence here is "I will no longer provide access to my own property (the dishes you own and they use only) if I feel you are continuing to not take care of my things by cleaning up them after use." Now do not prescibe a time frame of when cleaning should be done here that's a fencing them in. If you want it done in an hour and they want it done next week they're still not respecting your rule of engagement so they can't have access to your stuff.
They say: DO THIS or ELSE statements are ultimatum statements and not good for communication this is proof hunting, bias affirming, and frankly a statement that can also make someone else put their foot down and doubble down on the hated behavior. Instead they say: IF I FEEL x THEN I WILL DO x is better because its in your court now you feel, they can't prove how you feel only you know how you feel and if you feel x way you will then do x action. It also isn't hunting for bias confirmations (if they love me this will be done like I think it should be, or I knew they'd not do that!) proof hunting (they prove yet again how x they are!)
You are right that if they are unwilling to follow your rules of enagement then there is a problem but the solution isn't force them into it or put a fence around them.
It's inner work upon you to find where this wound is coming from. For me I know don't touch my things is an inner wound from childhood when my mother sick of how messy my room was would go in and throw out everything she devalued as trash that was precious things to me disrupting my room and my things and my personhood I need to process that to get over the fear when I'm triggered that a person who touches my things in present day or borrows my things will toss it, destroy it, or otherwise remove it from me forever this is a child wound.
This is kind of why she's saying leave them or allow their behavior to exist eventually they'll have to deal with having too many clothing for the basket but you do not need to stay with someone who is touching you or your things.
@@destroyraiden as you so well express it is not just black and white. There are many choices to be made when setting boundaries. What is a deal breaker for one person may not be for another. As a trauma survivor my boundaries were egregiously violated. Yes there are some boundaries that I absolutely expect another to respect and other's may be negotiated if you want to call asking someone to put their clothes in the laundry basket a boundary. For us trauma survivors it is a learning and they are important to learn.
...I had an abuser literally use this as an excuse for his behavior. "I can't MAKE you feel anything, YOU'RE making you feel this way, YOU need to deal with all of that. (But also you keep really upsetting me and that's also your fault.)" It's still really upsetting for me to hear something like this. Because yes, the actions of other people do in fact have an effect on me.
So, while I get that we can't make someone respect boundaries and needs, I still want to find someone who will.
That's a worthy goal!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My mom is constantly bringing up weight issues and telling me what I need to do around my house. Triggers me so much. But she is my mom and I love her. She won't change. My mind is always conflicted. I'm at the "What?!" part of the vid and yep. Haha.
@@Star-dj1kw oh man. Hate your sis in law experiences the same.
Thank her for her insight. And then smile at her. Seriously, don't engage, just thank her for her opinion and smile and carry on...
It wasn't about the same issue but when my mom crossed a line, I stopped inviting my parents to my house. I always go there now and it helped a lot
Sorry this is happening. So this means you have asked her 3 times already?
I've given up on my mom being my mom I expect nothing of her and my boundaries are to not leap at her orders to do things she request because to her a no is simply a delayed yes so unless she asks proper instead of telling me what I should do with my time I will not do what she wants. It's taken years but she's starting to get the idea.
And of course I use to tell her in the beginning ask me or don't define my day things like that which she kept ignoring so I stopped telling her but didn't stop doing as I needed to to define a rule of engagement with her. She doesn't always follow it but when she does I will do as she actually asked pretty close to when she's asked it to reinforce her behavior more.
I can only work on myself. So very true. If I could have changed others, I wouldn't have started to work on myself.
This was unbelievably synchronistic! I had an incident last night where I said no to someone I love and it was really uncomfortable for both of us
Thank you for all you do!!!!
I have been recognizing lately that there is a difference between being triggered, and your body/ emotions setting off warning bells that a boundary has been crossed. People with CPTSD don't know what healthy boundaries look or feel like, & don't realize when theirs is being crossed - in the beginning of their healing journey. Triggering is the beginning stage of your body/emotions teaching you what your boundaries look like. The more you heal and become self aware, the trigger tuns into a warning system that someone is breaching the "do not enter" gate you have in place.
Respecting your own boundaries by recognizing them allows you to decide who you let "in" and how far in they are allowed to enter, and who to keep out.
You recognize that this valuable gift of yourself is what you give, or withhold depending on their behavior. Do they value you, stick up for you, listen to you, let you know in a thousand different ways that they are grateful for this gift of yourself?
Well, I agree to disagree: If someone is obviously telling sh** instead of the truth and is damaging me or others this way, I am not obliged to accept that. I feel obliged to speak up in such a case. For myself, but also for others.
There is a limit to acceptance, and this limit begins where people damage other persons. And it's not always possible to leave suddenly and lightheartedly, see job etc
I have felt the same way as you but I didn't get that she is asking us to accept the behavior that is triggering us, only that we become conscious of and own our reaction and take a little time out to let the fire die down before we reply or address them. Then our response will be calmer and clearer and more effective. Few people are able to communicate coherently in the midst of a firestorm of triggered feelings.
When I started taking risks like leaving home, job, bad friendship or romance, etc, I found that it created space in my life for something new and sometimes better.
I rarely comment on videos but I couldn’t skip this one. It feels like you are speaking from the hearth and really caring for helping people out with free resources. Thank you so much, this video has helped me a lot! I feel relieved and like my mind is kind of cleared up in this matter.
It always turns out that I have to "let people be themselves" ; but yet these same people demand that I either change to accommodate them and/or totally submit to them by letting them control me! Whenever I have gone along with this narrative, I end up feeling "yucky" or being seen as inferior to them! As this continues, I run out of patience eventually and don't want to waste any more time with someone who, I feel, has misrepresented themselves! Examples: Someone continually interrupting me, future faking and gaslighting me deliberately by ignoring my friendliness over the internet, UNTIL they take the time to bully me for finally losing patience with them for all the above, including having no sympathy after an abusive incident with a narcissist!
Walk away
The Ugly Truth: Having To Fight The Narcissists ALONE!?!
Go No Contact
Absolutely true, but remember you don't have to stick around to put up with your boundaries being crossed x
I don't know if it's old age or just having had my full of bullshit, but I'm much better at boundaries these days. No means no.
i know right. you get to a point where enough is enough.
That's great!
-Cara@TeamFairy
And it's biblical as well.
Let your yes, be Yes.
and your no, be No.
Matthew 5:37
Thank you!!! Ive always thought about control like this, but it’s often hard for people to understand that that insisting others do something different IS trying to control someone
This is so sensible! Thank you for being so frank, and honest about this dynamic.
At a certain point, we do have to learn what we could have learned as a kid with a more loving steady parent. I agree it's not fair to impose our thrashing inner unresolved self on others, and it's so empowering to behave in a balanced respectful way, and more than anything, have faith in ourselves to fulfil that need for ourselves.. That it's learn able, that it's doable, that it might be lonely for a while but that clarity makes way for deeper more freer and easful connection, with the right kinds of people.
I totally agree with you, that it's so much safer to "let people be themselves".. Not only because it's honourable and reminds us of our worth and right to freedom, when we live that value with integrity for others too.. But in letting others be themselves, we can see way more quickly and carefully all the red flags, all the warning signs, and make much stronger decisions about the company we put ourselves around, because we know we can do it for ourselves and that unsafety is not worth the compromise or self betrayal.
This video is a good interumn step to this kind of self respect and self fulfilling life, towards a proactive and clear life. Thank you
They are insane. Things you can’t forget that’s stuck in your head forever and the things they’ve said, you can never forgive or forget. Mind your business and always know that your and anyone else opinion is just that an opinion it’s not my truth. Respect goes along way. “THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE THEMSELVES “ leave folks alone
The truth really hurts sometimes💔 I'm letting go again Father in Jesus name amen.
Thank you are really need to hear this.
So glad you're here, we're sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
I needed this now as I will be making contact with my son with mental health and addictions that has rained trauma down on me and so many others thus past year excilating past 3 months as not medicated homeless ..now in hospital...I REFUSE TO ALLOW HIM TO WESR ME DOWN to nothing wear I give in because um just to exhausted to fight anymore...And my partner also used to wearing me down ..both with schizophrenia FASD both born addicted to birth moms drugs illegal and anti psychotics...I ve spent 2 years in a vice and almost took all my meds and slipped forever into the river....Sooooo ....SOOOOOO soooo gratefull for this to consider befor we see each other for the first time tommorrow in a month ...PRAY FOR ME🙏🙏🙏♥️🕊🤲🕊🤲♥️🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for this video. I'm going through this right now with my boyfriend of 3 years. We're in the middle of breaking up and he's been treating me very disrespectfully lately. Even though I know he didn't like my codependency I now cling harder because I can't accept that someone who supposedly loves me can ignore my boundaries and my requests. It's a fool's errand, I know, since emotionally I already lost him
So helpful. If you can't remove the bad influence, remove yourself from it.
Also realising that it is not their responsibility to not trigger me will help me to quicker get to on to the next step of regulating myself, and figure out how to navigate going forward.🙏
I learn every time I listen to the videos. Thanks for reaching out to thousands.
A couple of observations:
30 years ago, it was the popular self help 12 step programmes like Co-dependence anonymous
The most prominent Writer and guide then was Melonie Beatie.
I did this for a long time. But though it taught so much of what is shared here in the CPTSD videos , it did not have scope in identifying trauma and the triggering behaviours.
Co-dependency is still relevant of course, here CPTSD cross into each other in : wanting to control behaviours of others to help us avoid our triggers. And realising we are powerless over others every day(!)
Writing out our list of wrongs, to eventually make amends, felt to most , like we were again the problem and fault bearers. Me? Self centred ?! What? No!!! It’s the bloody ABUSER.
So Co-dependency was aptly coined: dependents on others to help us manage our pain and fears. I agree here, that CPTSD while liberating, can be like a heavy burden we carry on our backs every day.
Avoiding triggering people. Avoiding dealing with them. Co-dependency Annon. Challenged, and making Amends to those we’d hurt was tough! Hang on!!! I AM THE ONE HURT here! Right!?
With CPTSD and its recognition of internal triggers, puts us back into our own pain, right away. And yes that is Owned. I am responsible for my choices in what I do next. Tough love too, will guide me, it starts with >.
Like an Acorn. Everything is within it to help it to grow.
I’ve carried my wounded self around for 61 years. Wanting Someone to hear me!
But it’s too much for others, or they assume its all self pity. I’ve believed that others had keys to unlocking my confusion, as to why and how, my traumas happened!
Now I realise, that my heart, open and free in many areas, is a vast organ, with hidden parts, wherein lie all my deepest wounds. I have decided to TELL all of it, to GOD. He listens. He knows it all. And HE heals.
I was not getting anywhere. I’d record in journals Events impact solutions, that was helpful. But I could not access all the triggering past events by sheer will alone. A Therapist would loose the will to live, if I opened my heart totally, poured out all the hurt!
I am the type, to NEED to Express myself through words- Art ect.
I began to find these videos triggering!!! At 1 point I was triggered by Anna’s email wording!!!
“ I’m glad you’ve decided to learn how to …..” Those words terrified me!!!
That was my mother, gas lighting, and putting the problem back on me, then saying, it’s good that I “ finally realise I have a problem “.
So no emails for me Right!
I must be very emotional, isn’t it an exhausting process!!!
For me it’s like once I start : Triggered = where does that one come from ? Process = Solution I’m done for the day!
There are thousands more all lined up, Queuing , to be Realised!!!
Phew! But I am back here, listening. And putting bits into practise.
Thanks.🌷🌷✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
,
Thank you for sharing about your experiences! You would probably find a 12 step group different now, with more knowledge about c-PTSD and techniques like the Daily Practice. bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this, a lot of creators seem to lean into the idea that boundaries are things you do to make other people act a certain way, rather than something you put in place to tell others how YOU'LL act in the future.
For me it should always be a "I don't want to talk about this topic" and then if that person starts talking about that, you simply disengage or change the subject because that's what you said you'd do, it's not cutting in and saying "um actually that's my boundary you're overstepping".
You can of course mention that you've noticed they're still doing the thing you said makes you uncomfortable and you can say you'll potentially have to be less available to them if they're only wanting to talk about this one topic, but you'll be happy to be around them if they want to talk about other things. If they only want to talk about that and they want to talk to you about it again from that stage you can just say you're not available to talk right now instead of either buckling and talking about the topic you said you don't want to, or keep asking for the same change over and over it just becomes distressing.
Too many people seem to think boundaries are instructions for what others should do rather than information about what you're going to do and I think people put a lot of the onus on other to remember and adhere to their boundaries without doing specific work to maintain the boundaries themselves.
Boundary setting to noisy neighbours, especially in apartment living would be a good topic I’d like to hear about. Neighbours don’t like it when they are called out or asked to change their way and be considerate. In fact, they make us feel guilty for making a boundary. That I don’t understand. A great vlog topic. Thank you.
Boundaries are internal (not external!) and we must respect them first and foremost within ourselves - then and ONLY THEN other people will feel them. And we ourselves will give off a different vibe and attitude, and we ourselves will will make the choices that don't put us around people who don't respect our internally set & self-honored boundaries!
I would like to Thank you for your immense help and support you are giving to people who are regaining hope that life can be peaceful and balanced and therefore happy again. So many of us suffering from CPTSD did not realise what it was and that there was a way out of this maze. Your work is virtually saving lives! God bless you.
Thank you from my heart, @Iza_Waniek!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you from my heart too!
I am absolutely blown away by how powerful this message is. Hard truth is food for the soul and honey you are serving it on a silver platter. All I can say is thank you ❤
Thank you for taking the time to comment! I'm so glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Every New Year's, I make a resolution and truly try hard to
stick with it. This time I am being respectful and listen to
people and quit interjecting my stuff over their stuff.
Awesome goal!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My abusive ex used to tell me that he wouldn’t respect my boundaries because my boundaries were not respectable
omg
@Jordan_Sainte-Marie glad to hear it's an ex!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Been there
That really says everything about your ex's character that you need to know. Glad you're not still in that.
I was told I'm not a woman when I had boundaries. Belittled to the point it's three years later and I feel like my emotional maturity has reverted all the way down to childhood. I don't feel like an adult woman anymore. It's hard. Every boundary was insulated with, your a child or, your not a real woman.
I don’t think I have CPTSD but I definitely have some emotional and behavioural issues related to my dysfunctional, abusive childhood. I’ve just really started trying to accept responsibility for myself and making a real effort to change myself and stop trying to change others. I like your description of boundary making and how clear you are about how it’s all up to me to make sure I’m acting the way I should be acting and feeling the way I should be feeling. I will save your video and rewatch it as needed. Thank you .
This is why I hate groups that make you post a “trigger warning”. I have many triggers, very bad and have seen my “triggers”. I don’t ask that others post such warnings to myself, and I don’t think we should have to. Everyone has “triggers” and you can’t know them all. It’s upto yourself to scroll past and if you have a “trigger” go off, let it go off. You can’t avoid these “triggers” forever. I live with ptsd 24/7 due to health problems that could happen again at any moment.
It’s like exposure therapy, you can’t avoid them forever. Unfortunately mine will be with me forever, as my health will never get better and I will have to face the ptsd episodes again, as I’ll end up in the hospital again going through the same event.
I can understand your reasons and your insight is amazing. Some of us have severe physical conditions that are also triggered and it means a healthier kinder world for us.
In a world driven by violence and brutality a tiny place of peace is paradise.
Body and mind are 2 separate things. healing yourself from the pain in the mind will help to heal physical pain...and helping body to heal will help to heal the mind. No one is totally free from any potential illness but everyone can find tiny pockets of wellness, which, over time , can make a big change in your level of happiness. Don't give up dear, even when you hit rock bottom.. because the uphill journey comes only afterwards.
@Domina_Tristitiia thanks so much for sharing your perspective!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same here. I'm with you
I hope you decide to change the course of your life, implement sport? It helps my mind get clear and things don't rattle around as well as noise irritation, I find I can get through it. Kick 🥊 boxing. I spent months (away from society) prior to recent events that caused a mental upset (family) that caused emotional blockage that I'm now dealing with (still) All things that work I stick with to create a balance & I still listen to meditation for awkward pockets of time where my mind wants to go to dark alleys, it's all a process the more you become aware of the more life you live the easier it becomes. Release the things that aren't yours to deal with
I left my good friend hanging over a month ago when I went to one of his parties and I got triggered by some things he was saying to me. Prior to that event, I would feel my triggers being activated when we would play video games together, and also when I would be driving us in my car. I made a decision after that party that I would at least stop seeing him for two weeks, which has turned into over a month now. I stated my boundaries in ways I felt I could when the anger came up, though in general I let him do what he wants and just felt miserable and depressed when he wasn’t noticing my needs. And that, I believe, is the pattern of my behavior that causes my suffering: I want others to notice how I feel and take care of my needs without me stating or showing clearly what I need. Though I do want to take charge of what I need, I struggle to either find the words or acknowledge what my inner judgments are saying to me in the moment. Living this way is tough when I feel stuck either wanting connection and suffering, or avoid those I feel triggered around most often and feel disappointed when I think I’m not strong enough to handle myself in those situations. I’ve also noticed it’s in situations where I feel stuck that I get depressed, which happen to be places that are either physically confining or socially confining such as my work and car rides with that friend. My own request is to be heard and listened to. In my life right now I wish there were more available people who are willing to listen without advice giving and fault-finding.
It’s difficult to impossible to change others, change yourself. It’s some much more enjoyable.
Agreed!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sometimes people use boundaries to control and manipulate. Sometimes the same people accuse others of controlling them with very reasonable personal boundaries. With narcissists it can get very confusing. I finally decided if boundaries are used to control how I think, feel or respond to abuse, or what I do with my own time and life, I will not honor those boundaries and they have the right to walk away.
This one was extremely helpful. We can't expect others to act like counselors when they have no formal training!
My goodness. It’s a tight rope for me. I realize I can only ask . I’ve been so careful not to be “triggered”. And what I find that because I can recognize the reaction and even calm myself. However as I gain control over myself I can also see how much I have allowed others to trigger me.
The more I don’t react the more challenging it can be. Not only do I become more aware of myself but I am seeing other people in a different light. I’m listening.
So hard decisions are coming. I feel my perspective changing.
This was a great video. Thank you!! So many of us forget, if you force people to do things, they have the ability to tell us to take a flying leap through a rolling donut!! Our experiences are individual and that means everyone!!
Perfect summary ☺
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes... Recognizing others' free wills as we even seek recognition of our own free will. There's a need for personal responsibility even of our own healing❤♾❤
Right on!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You need to tailor this message to parents and schools. Some parents ( and even older students ) are now making ridiculous request of teachers and schools ( which they cannot do due to funding issues, time constraints, the large classes they have, etc. ) AND some teachers and principals ALSO make ridiculous request of other teachers, students and their parents. Thanks for all you do.
I'm so glad this popped up today! I definitely need this information. Long and short I was out of contact with my grandma and my aunt for a year and a half. The last 7 months we were in contact and my aunt seems to think her leaving her job from her narcissistic boss / ex requires everybody to walk on eggshells. I finally got tired of it and mentioned something to her. She got really mad about that and then started saying really Petty things. The little things didn't work so she cut deep and personal and I unfortunately broke and did the same. My grandma and my aunt live together and I can't see my grandma without seeing my aunt. We haven't talked in a week. And I've been thinking a lot about my grandma. I'm getting my thoughts together and I'm going to contact them during this week and ask for a sit-down family meeting which we've never had. Even if they don't want to be in contact with me anymore I think it's important that everything is laid out on the table and no more he said she said.
Thank you so much for this channel, grateful!!
My 4 yo was telling me that when something doesn’t go his way he can try to change something or say “Oh well” and compromise. That’s the way to continue feeling good
He said “Mom you need to learn to do that”
"out of the mouth of babes" "and a child shall lead them" Wise child.
@Kalina_Bozhkova WOW, so insightful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this. When you’re a survivor of narcissistic abuse you can destroy your life in trying to get revenge or destroy your soul trying to get even. It’s hard to get out of that state of misery without trying to seek justice. It brings my heart a sliver of peace knowing the narcissist won’t keep getting away with their nastiness.
That karma will eventually caught up to them and while they’re dealing with the consequences of their actions, you can work on restoring the pieces of your soul that they destroyed. Happiness is the best revenge