Whoever may be reading this, I believe you. Your story is real and deserves to be understood. You are not alone. What happened to you was real and it was wrong. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know how hard it can be sometimes.
Forty one years. Flashbacks, once the first couple pieces presented, took me in and I lost HOURS.. it took a full year for me to recall most of it. That was a year ago this month. It is leveling me.
The body keeps the score. It’s insane. Things are a lot less straightforward than we’d like to admit to ourselves. I’m sorry that you’ve felt let down by your family.
I can’t thank you enough. That book was recommended to me before and as someone who is searching for answers about possible sexual abuse I have to read it now. Your comment is such a gift from God… thank you
I finally full understood this when I was at my bfs house and his little cousins were over and they were running through the halls and stomping loudly, I immediately froze , I couldn’t figure out why hearing kids playing in the hallway had this negative impact on me , then I thought about it for a minute . I’ve lived in multiple abusive households, one of the more recent ones the woman and the man would be physically fighting eachother and all I’d hear is screaming and their bodies hitting the walls and even the door to my room, I’d hear stumbling and stumping . I had forgot about that for a really long time, I had buried it deep. But here I was on a random night almost a year later in tears from hearing happy kids stumping in the hallway.
I feel like I’m making everything up. I keep uncovering really vivid childhood memories that make me feel really unsafe. I told this to my mom sometime last year and she assured me that there was nobody in my life who could’ve done this. I suspect my dad or my grandpa because of specific memories… seemingly benevolent ones, but I don’t know they are very off. My mom says that it was definitely not my dad and that he would never do it, but I have very strange triggers and memories about him. I keep having these super weird intangible flashbacks and I just KNOW that something happened to me. My reactions to certain situations and foggy memories are just not normal. But the thing is I don’t know that just having faith is enough. Im afraid that I will never remember and I NEED to know. What if I was dreaming? What if I am just imagining things? **Do people who haven’t been sexually abused think they have been? Like is the possibly of sexual abuse something that non-victims stress over every day? I need the answer.
I know, from experience, that you can Been married to a person for many years and not know what they are capable of. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. My worst fear is that someone that I love very much had done something horrible to me. I believe you have that same fear. It will play out and it’s own time. You can’t force it. Try to be calm. Build a relationship with God. Jesus is interested in everything about you. He knows you.The Bible says that he knew you before you were in your mothers womb
This first came up when I start cutting off my toxic and abusive family and then moved away. I've done a lot of healing and I am improving more and more loving myself but then there are instances when I meditate where I get these strange sensations and eventually random memories (more like impressions really) I suddenly have repulsive reactions towards my father (he died when i was really young) and their relatives and it didn't stop from then on. In fact, these feelings are getting stronger... I would cry "mama...mama...mama" basically like i am a baby again. Uncontrollable sobs and rage. I want to dig deeper but I don't know if I can handle it. I was heavily dissociated when I was younger, like everything felt unreal esp myself. I thought i was just highly spiritual but turns out it's a huge indicator! I still feel like there's something deep within me that I havent unearthed and still remain hidden. I can barely express my fully and truthfully even to myself it's like who I am is hiding even from me.
thank you for the comment of "maybe the memory is being brought up because now we are strong enough to handle it". this means so much to me personally, and i'm sure to other people watching as well.
Thank you. The brain is amazing. Everything is recorded and stored. I’m glad that childhood traumas are stored; if not, they would rob us of childhood and our innocence.
I recently read that until the person is able to process NOTHING will unlock memories the brain has hidden. Not hypnosis. Not anything. But please believe me when I say, I was much much much happier and felt more whole before it all unlocked. Now… I’m shattered..lost… a very lonely space..to get out of
I am a 42 year old man. My dad died about 7 weeks ago. On Father’s Day I was mostly alone (kids on vacation with their mom). I took a THC gummy. My heart started racing and after a bit, peeling the layers off, I remembered that my dad molested and raped me when I was 4. I kept it down for over 38 years. I cried and cried and cried. I guess I couldn’t face it while my dad was alive. This coincides with the very recent end of a relationship with a woman who mirrored my dad in many ways. It explains a lot. My need for sexual validation for women. My hyper sexuality. The shame I felt and that my dad instilled in me about girls. Why we didn’t discuss relationships in my house. My hitting puberty very late. Why my dad was so isolationist. I am questioning the validity of this memory. Especially since THC was involved. But it feels like it did happen. And my therapist and another coach I work with told me they had suspected for a while before I said anything. Thoughts?
My memory was triggered just like yours: BAM! There What is no denying it and no going back. Like you, I then understood my triggers. A lot of things made sense then
@@catherinekirby1457 It’s not possible this is a false memory? No one ever implanted the suggestion in me that I’m aware of. I really appreciate your video. Thank you.
People with painful childhoods sometimes describe their memory of growing up like Swiss cheese with lots of holes. They just can’t seem to pull up memories about much of anything. This is very puzzling when they hear other adults talking about many events, including specifics, about growing up years. Start journaling - that’s a good place to start. Older siblings and cousins can be “memory keepers.”
i’m 14, my sister was sexually assaulted by my father. & i feel like he must’ve done something to me. i always showed signs when i was younger, being terrified of my dad, hating when people touched me, sexually curious at an inappropriately young age, & i had nightmares about my dad. i obviously wouldn’t want this to be true but it’s always been. a huge fear of mine to have a repressed memory come back. im so curious to know if it happened because im seeing the signs now, but i guess it’s better for my brain to keep it hidden for now
Hi Nadia. Thanks for writing. It’s often easier to share with strangers. Sadly, we can’t control our brains. These suppressed memories, however, are affecting you and keeping you from living the joyful life that God wants for you. It’s only when we heal, that we look back and see how all the triggers controlled us. Say to yourself every day: God loves me so much! He is always here with me. I will not go through anything alone. He will help me and give me His strength. Like He told Joshua, Do not be afraid. Be of good courage!
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m missing something, like something happened to me when I was younger but I just can’t remember. I’m scared that it will be too hard to deal with if I figure out what it is, but part of me still wants to know.
It’s normal to understand troubling feelings; to know where they came from - it’s better to know. Ignorance is not bliss! When you feel uncomfortable, write down the triggers. Let me know how you are doing.
me too. i am very addicted to marijuana and i wonder if it's bc something happened to me as a child. i know predators TRIED but i don't know if i blocked out actual abuse....
Thank you for this! A couple weeks ago I had purchased a laundry soap that I don't normally get. Fast forward a couple days and the smell of the soap sent me into a tailspin, I couldn't figure out why I disliked it to the point I threw out what was left. One evening when my son walked by and I could smell his shirt the memory came flooding back of being in my Dad's apartment. I'm still working through this and taken quite off guard when it comes up without warning. This is all coming up at the same time my husband has asked for a divorce. I feel like my whole world is caving in!
Who knows why triggers elicit a strong reaction at a certain time in our life? Maybe when we are vulnerable? You are not alone! God is right there with you as you take this journey! Please remember that! Romana 8:28 he promises to bring good out of any situation.
Hi... I had a repressed memory come back today... Always had a thought about something but didn't explore it. I actually didn't want to know... through a thought process today, this memory came to mind. I'm sick to my stomach now... I feel ill. This is why I'm watching this video. I am trying to now understand what happens next... I'm no stranger to the issues I've had and still have all my life. It's like I have been digging to find that last piece of my puzzle. I found it today... Thank you for your video
@@catherinekirby1457 Thank you so much!! This is like nothing I have ever felt... It's still fresh but I do feel more grounded today.. tears and just letting the feelings come as they may... ouch, but at least now the healing may begin. God Bless..
😭 as a survivor of sexual abuse for over 10 years I appreciate you being vulnerable and sharing. I personally go to a Truama therapist and do weekly sessions with EMDR being apart of that. I shared my story on my channel as well. Well parts of it!
Thanks so much. I will check out your channel. I refuse to be a victim. Instead of remembering as a scared child, I’m a strong woman kicking dirt in this man’s face, telling him what a pervert he is and that he should be ashamed! Then I walk away
Thank you. There are more videos- if you check the most recent, you will find a list in the Description on the others. Remember, you are not alone. Most of all, God is always with you through sunshine and storms.
Great info, analogies and examples. Thus absolutely makes me feel more "normal" and not alone. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experiences. I am sharing this video with my mom, first thing in the morning, for her to watch and for us both to re-watch. Thank you, especially for the last comment about what NOT to do. I plan to look for the video you referenced to gain more insight on that. ❤️
Catherine, sister. I so appreciate you and this message as I find myself freshly raw of truths coming forth and in a time of need and support. Your energy is so lovely and feels safe. Like I’m not alone. Thank you. And may you continue to be blessed by god
Lindsay, your message brought tears to my eyes. Yes, it’s raw! That wound is opened and it can be ugly, putrid, full of harm. But God is beginning a healing in your life, truth will chase away fear. To the woman who trusts wholly in God, 2Corinthians 5:17 assures her, “If anyone be in Christ, she is a new creature; old things are passed away; all things are become new.” This is the start of a new beginning for you, Lindsay. The Chinese use the same character for crisis and opportunity, I think. The pain that you are experiencing will bring healing. Grief gives way to peace and wholeness. The pain is not wasted. I am here for you. I will speak your name to God often. Do you have any idea how much He loves you?
Thank you very much for sharing. When I was a child, I was abused by a family member for three years. I am still healing from the trauma. I told my mother about it twenty years after it happened. She showed absolutely no sympathy. And she constantly praises the abuser to me during every conversation. It is very painful. Your video has helped me in healing. 🙏
I am so sorry! Gravitate towards those who are loving. The expectations of what a mothers love should be and what our reality is -- all that I can say is that only God can comfort us and take that hurt from us. He’s saying, “My dear child, it hurts me so to see you carrying that burden. Please. Give it to me. Let me carry it for you.” Our tears are so precious to Him. He saves every one. They are like precious jewels. Your mother has shown you who she is; don’t expect anything else.
Thank you so much for sharing this message of support. I just “opened pandora’s box” and I’m still so confused and in shock. I really appreciate you sharing your story
Very lonely road- particularly when your family denies your truth (and your mother blames you for “ruining the family” while protecting the abuser). My road has been long and difficult. Meditation, prayer and daily journaling, along with allowing myself to feel what I feel in the moment has allowed me to heal. I don’t need anyone to corroborate my story or believe me… I know what happened.
Thanks for sharing. Yes, isn’t it terrible when the roles get switched and the victim is looked upon as a trouble maker. On this earth, anyway, but not in the hereafter. India’ s motto, “ Truth always triumphs,” is encouraging but truth is very unpopular with many people. It’s easier on the soul to believe a lie.
Thank you for sharing. The more people who have the courage to do this, the more the rest of us don’t have to feel so alone. Between TH-cam, Reddit, and forums on sexual abuse websites, I’m absolutely amazed how many of us there are with memories that were pushed out of our conscious awareness, often for years and decades like myself. If it wasn’t so painful, it would be such a fascinating study on how this happens. I’m so grateful for all who share and all who comment.
Thank you so much! It’s not a topic that family or friends want to hear. Those memories horrified me. What? Who? When? Meanwhile, life goes on, working, not sleeping, in a terrible journey through the fog, alone except for my Lord. I was terrified that The Who would be someone I loved. What a relief to discover that it wasn’t!
Tim, it’s been a year since we connected. I’m reaching out, hoping you are doing well. Imagine if a child had to carry these horrendous memories? Childhood would be stolen away, gone! God is good; he doesn’t take away the memory; he hides it like an ugly toad under a rock until we are older. People fume! Why couldn’t it have stayed hidden? But those hidden toads cause warts. We feel depressed, sad, irritable, etc and we don’t know why. It’s time for a reveal. You can’t heal when you don’t know that cause. It’s not fun. it’s a journey through dark woods and spooky thoughts that are worse than truth sometimes. The rmemory gives us a flashlight to shine our mind’s dark places, showing truth. Jesus said, “The truth shall set you free.” And it does.
@@catherinekirby1457 Thank you for reaching out. How thoughtful! I’m doing better but I’ve had no recalled memories. I have however found a very good therapist. We are working through the body and I’m confident that is the right way to go. My body has memories which I experience daily, and which we work on through taping etc. There is a deep connection and discovery every time we meet, even if there are no “historical” memories that come up. This bothered me at first but the therapist assured me it was ok, as I am doing good with body memories, primarily through my emotions. The child inside just doesn’t want to go there yet and has communicated that to me, but still wants the connection that is growing through our work in therapy and through daily awareness of the pain he feels. So yes I feel the crappy emotions caused by those warts but there is also healing, more slowly perhaps but still healing. Thank you for the kind words.
@@timkiblen6187 Oh, you are so wise and patient. Most people, because of pain and anxiety, rush the process! ! It doesn’t work that way; nor, would it be wise. Better slow and steady; let the body lead. I’m reminded of Psalm 23: the good shepherd leads them beside still waters and their souls are restored. Sheep can’t relax when nearby water is rushing. In the quiet and stillness, they are refreshed by the Shepherd’s presence. They need that time to learn to trust Him because tough times are ahead. He is going to lead them up the mountain to the tablelands, lush pastures, the best! But to get there, they must travel through dangerous enemy occupied territory , the worse. Death hangs over them like a shadow. It’s terrifying , except for God’s presence, his rod and his staff {He has both defensive and offensive strategies covered} reassures them. The trust in their Shepherd , that they developed laying beside quiet ponds, comforts them. He will meet their needs. When their strength fails, He will carry them around His shoulders. They can “rest” in Him. He will protect them on the journey. They can walk right pass their predators, past the evil eyes gleaming through the trees, pass the drooling jaws. When they get to the lush, dew drenched land, it is only because of the shepherd’s love for them. If you don’t have an intimate relationship with Jesus, he’s waiting. He’s so easy to fall in love with! He says, Taste and see if I am good. The more I learn about the gentle shepherd, the more lovelier He becomes. He is the door. John 10:7. Not a door, but “the door”. He would take the sheep to a small cave in the mountains. While they slept, he stretched his body over the entrance, forming a barrier to predators. Even while they slept, He was watching over them. Sheep are not smart. They can wander all day, even step off a cliff. Their problem is that they don’t look up. The world is in a sad state. Jesus is still leading us beside still waters. The Bible foretold the current events and told us that when we see these these happening, don’t be afraid but LOOK UP. Our redemption is near! I do not not why God led me to reach out to you, perhaps it’s His all consuming love for you. Please say YES. His arms are open. Sincerely, Catherine, one of His
Catherine, I didn’t realize you were a medical doctor. I knew you were more than a knitter & shop owner, just couldn’t figure it out. Thank you for sharing this very serious topic. Also for your openness in sharing your own reality. This is something that I have struggled with. As I know it happened, but have not been able to put all the pieces together. But realize that it really isn’t that important. I had signs beforehand, things that didn’t make sense, I knew at some level it probably happened. But when I had my daughter, I recognized the signs before anyone else had a clue. Then I knew it had happened to me too. I never went to anyone with it because my father was also severely emotion and physically abuse to me, much more than my sisters. If even to them. But, it’s true, it’s something you never forget or really get over. I wanted very much to be a Dr of psychology. However, in my last year of my masters the hospital made a fatal mistake with my care, resulting in multiple health issues which causes me to be unable to work. I did get to be a counselor to many children before this & changed some of their lives. Although I was able to finish my masters, while recovering & going through chemo. I was never able to get my PhD. Long story short, thank you Catherine.
Thanks for sharing. Yes,the past has no power over us unless we let it but it is a part of who we are. With or without a degree, The greatest joy as a Christian is to be a humble tool in the Master’s hands.
How can you purposely trigger yourself to remember? I know for a fact something happened to me but don’t remember anything solid. There are already 6 girls that we know of that were abused by my abuser. I’m the oldest. I can’t remember anything happening to me. It makes me feel really scared
Tori Pinson, in 'knowing', you have the memory you can handle right now. I'm 55 years old and didn't 'know' until I was 39. At 39 I got bits and pieces of memory and certain 'knowings' without memories. Now I'm suddenly gaining more memories and more knowings. These after years of nothing but a lot of trauma in my life followed by the last 10 years healing and growing in a deeply rich and vast knowledge of Jesus' love for me. At 39 I was in a very insecure and unsafe environment, thus everything shut down. Now, I am in a place of greater security and much stronger, and I trust Jesus totally. I am in a position to let the little girl in me know she is safe and she can finally release all she has had to hold onto and hide so that I would survive into adulthood. Be kind, be gentle and have empathy for that part of yourself that is scared. Let her know that you trust her and that she knows best. She will know when it is the right time to show you the truth💖
It is lonely, I agree. When I was a nurse, the charge nurse and I went into the patients room. She went to the far side of the bed; I went to the near side. There was very little space on my side. The doctor, who was almost revered by all, came into the room and squeezed behind me pressing his privates into my buttocks area. Now the other nurse she would’ve testified that absolutely nothing happened. But I knew differently. Who was I going to tell?! And in my life this was one of the more minor things that happened. After that, I observed this doctor. He always seemed to have his hands on the nurses. To an observer, it seemed that he was very friendly. But I knew differently.
If you can find a faithful friend... I once developed a friendship with a woman. I told her about my childhood abuse. Soon after that, she became very controlling and the friendship ended. I was sorry that I told her. Really sorry! Counselors are safe
I came across your video today and It brought me some comfort. I'm remembering sexual abuse from somebody who I never thought abused me. I now remember he did. Thank you for sharing your story. You helped me so much! 🤗
Hello. I didn’t see your story until now. There are other podcasts: after episodes 45,61,73,101,102, and 103. It’s a shame and a grievous sin that those ,who are privileged to be a part of a child’s life, harm that innocent child. They take the precious gift of that’s child’s trust and abuse it. I am so happy to hear that you are experiencing healing and hopefully, forgiveness.
I started therapy about a year ago, and through the process, I remembered that I was molested by a man whom I used to play with when I was about 6 or 7. I’m a 45 year old man now, but had substance abuse issues throughout my teens (started drinking alcohol when I was 11, heroin when I was 12…), so a lot of older memories had been dulled, and I went on trying to fix my dysfunctional life. I would work hard to get opportunities and self sabotage, due to anxiety and depression, low self worth etc. besides being molested, I have had other significant traumas throughout my youth, and I’m certainly these played a role in my often dysfunctional ability to cope with life, which was often dismissed by adults as me being “lazy”. I have read comments from some people who have suffered sexual assault, who have said that when you experience something like that, it’s crystal clear and you don’t forget, and the repressed memories isn’t really a thing, which has made me second guess myself, and think I’m crazy. It’s hurtful to hear such things, because I feel like my pain is dismissed.
I doubt that many have crystal clear memories. Proceed with confidence in your God given strength and who you are! You are getting stronger and more sure of yourself every day. You are a survivor! You will no longer call yourself victim but a victor! Advance into your future. Ask God what His plans are for you: I know they are good! Romans 8:28 I validate you!
Thank you for doing this video. I was really confused as to whether this was a real thing and now I see others also experience this. I recently had a repressed memory re-surface which was associated with an uncle. I think this happened because it was in a room at my home and when my house was under construction it just came back to me. The worst thing is that my family thought that he was taking care of me and it hurts that I didn't know what he was doing to me as I was 6-7 around that time. I really appreciate the help you are giving to others and myself, thank you once again.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. They taught kids so much about stranger danger and yet most offenders are relatives or friends of the family. Please read what I wrote last night to Tim Kiblen
@@catherinekirby1457 I've read what you've wrote and really appreciate that you always reach out to all of us! Its great to finally tell someone about what I've been through as my culture don't normally discuss personal issues like this. I'm 17 now and feel relieved that someone has listened to me. I cannot thank you enough for the support and will pray for you as you've given me the courage to speak out about this.
@@nbs5288 , oh darling girl, you are God’s princess. Always hold your head high unless it is bowed in prayer. If you need me, here’s my email: creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
You are amazing for coming forward and posting this story. A few years back I was wrestling with my male friends and 1 of them pinned me down and I just had the horrible reaction and I head butted him to get him off of me and broke his nose. I didn't understand why I freaked out but a huge trigger for me is being overpowered physically. I think I may have been sexually assault as a child in Africa. One of my older cousins was actually just arrested over there for SA and maybe he did it to me also. I hope I can remember 1 day so I can move forward.
These memories come back in a second in time when you least expect it. Don’t stress over it. You can’t make it happen, but be aware of triggers that make you feel uncomfortable or cause you to over react. There’s a reason. I thought that I was was past being hurt by my past and recently I sobbed when it came to mind. And unexpectedly, this man’s ( “the man”) niece was introduced to me recently and loved it. Like, “What a small world! We’re related! How amazing!” As for me, I was shriveling inside, wondering if she too was a victim.
I am 50 and started getting flashbacks from the age of 28.It has haunted me all my life.Please pray for me I want to know the truth.Nobody wanted to hear it either.
I will pray for you, Belle. We need the truth or we become emotionally paralyed, like ice sculptures. God doesn’t intend for us to stop growing and become stunted.
It is a answer to prayer I will keep praying.I am so busy my youngest son is autistic so he needs alot of care which I love to give him but I want to be whole,I want to remember ,I have hardly any childhood memories,my sister told me a few things,my father was a alcoholic and I know he did things to me but I can’t remember clearly.I don’t drink at all but I want to be free and experience joy and be a loving wife.It’s hard and I want to be free in Christ to be who God created me to be.
Thanks so much for sharing. Very brave. I have found a few triggers for myself that revealed a half formed memory. I have recovered them now and I am in the middle of sorting everything out. Thanks again
@@Madiitetr This is what worked for me. I believe in God and I am in therapy doing parts work. So in prayer I asked God for guidance and love, then I picked up the memory where I knew something had happened. I followed the memory with my younger self that experienced the trauma and with God. This part was very hard because there was a lot of shame, fear, panic, and more shame. I did this outside of therapy partly because I don’t like showing emotions. I cried a lot and the past memory was ugly and scary. But I had God and I would take breaks and ask for hugs from God. I would reach a blocked off area and have to ask why? What was the purpose and why would a memory just stop? Because your brain is protecting you from trauma. For me the blocked memory was represented by a door. I would ask myself why would it stop here? I placed my hand on the door and reasoned out with God why it was there. The door would open and there was more to the memory. It didn’t come flooding back but trickles in and I felt like I was walking through a soupy fog. I spent 3 days digging up memories. Not much fun but for me it was worth it. Now if you aren’t religious I believe you could do this with a therapist or maybe a really really close friend. Do not go into this thinking it is an easy thing to face. It is hard and ugly. I guarantee there will be crying and some rage. When I started this I knew it was going to be hard but I had no idea how hard. But if you need answers it really helps. I also talked through the whole thing, I recorded to my phone as I walked through the memories. Some memories will pounce on you and others you have to break out a backhoe to find. Sorry this turned into a small Ted talk 🤣 It is hard but now that I am on the other side of it I am glad I did it. If you have more questions I would love to answer them. Again this is what worked for me. Some people do EDMR, some try hypnosis. I don’t believe there is a wrong way and if you can and do have a very close friend or family member for support that will help so much. Good luck 🍀
Watching these videos and reading the comments is blowing my mind. I've always wondered why I can remember thinking about sex and being sexual when I was way too young to know about those things. I've always thought that I was just a weird kid. A certain situation recently triggered a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I've started remembering things very vividly. I can't remember any actual abuse though. I'm struggling trying to figure out if anything actually happened to me. I've never had any clear memories from my childhood and certain ones are coming back. I'm afraid of remembering being abused but the not knowing is driving me crazy. I have all these feelings and shame that I don't understand and I don't know what to do with it.
I understand. I do. When you go out into the world each day, you feel different. You’re not the same. A memory, a flash of a memory, changed all that went before. And yes - the shame! It sticks to you like a shadow. You can’t run away from it; it’s always there! Shame...blame...what’s the household name? It spells confusion. It steals your peace; robs you of joy and laughter. You’re in a group of people who are laughing and you are there but you’re not. The groups laughs in unison like a song with different pitches but your mouth won’t relax. You are sad, so sad...in your own confused world. And alone...but never forget that God is real. He is alive! He is everything you need; just surrender and believe. He will be your help! Read His word; it will speak to you in a way you didn’t think was possible. You will not walk alone anymore. He will bring people into your life that will help you. He will show you which ones to let go of. He will put you on a new path. He will make all things new! His word is filled with beautiful promises to you.
Thank you for responding! I didn't expect a response. Thank you so much for caring and taking the time to respond. Thank you. You're words are so comforting. I am trying to trust in god. I'm not religious but I know God is real. I've seen devine intervention in my own life. I'm hoping for it again. I need God, especially if I ever have any clear memories of abuse. Thank you again, you are doing God's work.
I finally figured some things out. I started doing self hypnosis videos and during one, I had a flash of a family friend rescuing me and my siblings from a strange place. I called her and she confirmed that when I was five, my brother was nine and my sister was thirteen, my mom left us at a drug house. She left us there for three days, my brother escaped and called my mom's friend Suzie from a gas station. He told her that the people at this house were going to sell me and showed her where the house was. I remembered sitting on the floor with my sister, looking up and seeing Suzie walk through the door and say "these kids are coming with me". When I called her she confirmed that was exactly what she said, so I know I'm remembering real things. My brother, sister and I think that my mom took money from these people to go get drugs and left us there as collateral and then never came back with the drugs. Eventually they started talking about selling me to get there money back and that's when my brother escaped. He said he remembers them drugging my older sister and took her into another room, my brother tried to protect me but they hit him, picked me up and took me to the room. I have flashes of what happened in that room, they raped my sister in front of me. I can remember them making me open my mouth but I can't remember anything else. This is so much to process and I needed to get it off my chest. Even if you don't read this, it helps me to get it off my chest. Thank you for listening.
8 years ago, I had a horrific nightmare that my father was raping me. It was vivid and horrific that I woke up screaming. I asked my two older sisters and they both said no way. We had a rough childhood, with violence and neglect but they were sure it was nothing sexual. I was going through a divorce at the time and put it down to that. But after that my sister just 3 years older than me died and I remembered how she was very sexually precocious when we were little. I talked to my two older sisters again, but they again said, no way. I forgot about it until last night, when I had a similar dream again - not as horrific. This time, I kind of knew and I helped cover it up for him -like I went out of my way not to embarrass him in the dream. He is long dead and I am 68. Any comments would be helpful. Thank you.
Read the book, A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley. It is a fictional work but it will speak to you. It will not be threatening because you are reading about characters but it will influence you. When we are safe, that’s when truth becomes out. Please let me know. My email is creativeeweyarns@gmail.com Also, start journalling.
Thanks Hazel. misery needs company. We need that support. What is worse- not knowing what happened or knowing what happened?! But knowing that there are other people who won’t blame you but will believe you is so important.
One has absolutely no control when something will trigger a memory but, your response to it (is what we need to work on) Please believe me I know it can be easier said than done. Thank you for the video.
Thanks for your reply. I forgot to reply back. Your words are golden. Just as that first memory intrudes abruptly into our life, we cannot try to trigger more memories. We cannot force them into our consciousness. Again, your advice is golden! Our reaction is what we must focus on until we are “responding”, not reacting. It doesn’t happen overnight and it’s a journey through a dark forest of threatening thoughts. The key is : Don’t stay there! Keep moving! Ahead, there is light and hope and God’s healing
I've always wondered if something happened to me as a child, I was hypersexual at a young age, would say innapropriate things to my family members, wrote some really insanely awful stories about r*pe in my diary, when i don't even think i had a solid grasp on what sex was. I have no idea how to approach this. My gut has told me for years that something bad happened that my brain has blocked out. Ive had mental health issues for most of my life, sexual dysfunction too, i'm pretty much asexual. Idk I want to understand the gaps in my memory, my childhood is a complete blur but I've always attributed that to my mum being mentally and physically abusive (not in a sa way just like hitting) i don't know i've been scouring the internet looking for some sort of explanation.
Your body and instincts aren’t wrong. Trust them! All it takes is one trigger to bring back the truth. A few weeks ago, we drove to a farm to buy eggs. There was a small outdoor building with a dirt floor. In that second, I was getting sodomized! When you least expect it, memories show you the truth. I am here for you! Reach out to Jesus; He knows you from before conception. He will be your guide and your strength. He will comfort you ( comfort means to make you brave).
Recently I had a series of trauma happening to me. From a fire incident, to practically loosing my room, getting my abandoned issue bejng triggered harshly, and fear of disappointing the people around me. It was so bad that I dissociated a lot, like an out body experience, then constant anxiety, random panick attacks, difficulty in sleeping, nightmares, and severe suicidal thoughts. Then somewhere along the line after about 2 months, while i was reflecting about myself and my past, i suddenly remembered what my cousin said about how she caught my other cousin that was about to sexually assault me. I remembered when she told me that I had no memories of it at all. I didnt try to ask her questions too and brushed it off because I felt uncomfortable since we were surrounded by my other cousins and my brother. The cousin that supposedly about to do something bad werent there but still. Recently, whenever i think about it i think about it, the more i feel more uncomfortable. Because i think something did happen, i just dont remember. Then while I was recalling my sexual experiences, which isnt a lot, I remember when my partner did a certain sexual act which was my first and I felt uncomfortable. It didnt feel new. It felt like i had known that feeling. Even during the act, i kept trying on remembering where I knew that feeling, but i just thought that maybe it was when i had done it myself. But it also makes a lot of sense as to why i behaved the way i did growing up. I always felt scared, and super uncomfortable if my legs where touched. I thought it was because of a dream i had but, what if i had that nightmare because of what happened? Once my friend touched me and i got incredibly scared . I think he even asked me if i was ever SA’d but since I didnt know, I just said no. Another thing is the fact that i always felt like i need to hide myself and my body. I was always on guard. I was afraid of how other people looked at me. My mom also taught me how ovulation works and all, how to defend myself, when i was below 10. I didnt understand why she kept telling me those things but I just listened. Then today i was trying to remember again, but i couldnt. My body refused to. I ended up dissociating again and felt anxious for the rest of the day. It’s incredibly cold right now but im sweating. I think, the more i recall and put the pieces together, the more i feel like i was sexually assaulted by that cousin. It also makes sense why i thought that same sex relationship was normal (well now i do think it is normal) even though I was brought up in an incredibly traditional household and culture.
I hear every word and I validate you! You are heard, you are loved! Your experiences connect with each one of us. Although we were victims, our bodies register shame and feelings of confusion, depression and worthlessness. You cannot force remembering. Start journaling. Ask God for His help. I am here for you!
I was lucky to have support when I experienced my flashback of being molested. The first time I saw my father after the flashback, I threw up. One year later, I told 2 siblings in a therapy session and they disowned me. My whole family closed ranks and rallied around my father, the perpetrator. No one believed me even though he exposed his naked genitals to my 9 year old friends of mine several times. he had impregnated a teenager when he was in his forties. He tried to have sex with a 17 year old girlfriend of my brother in his 50's. My father sexualized me until I was thrown out. He came to my house until he had a stroke to try to watch porno with me. John Updike, the author, wrote a book about his sexual addiction called "The Witches of Eastwick." He was played by Jack Nicolson as Satan. Everyone who ever knew him knew he was a pervert. Families do not want to acknowledge the truth. I have not seen anyone in my family in 20 years, except a few abusive encounters with 2 sisters. They still scapegoat me for all of the family's ills.
Thanks for posting I experienced some very overwhelming emotions of terror..... a few days later I started having flashbacks to childhood..... 45 years ago! I feel like I’m loosing it........and don’t understand this... This helps confirm
Scott, that’s how I felt! I would drive around and not even know where I was. Even at home, I felt lost and terrified! That day I saw my husband zip up his pants, I felt terror! Where did this come from? What happened to me? Why now? Trust me- it’s a whirlwind of disorganization, like being in a centrifuge but it will get better. Find some safety zones that are calming.
@@catherinekirby1457 Hi Catherine That means so much I just want you to know that your video is keeping me sane throughout this. That experienced terror that came out of no where is very debilitating... You think you are loosing your mind.. If the visual flashbacks were not there prior and post to this feeling..... I would be lost. Which makes me think how many people with diagnosed psyche issues are simply experiencing ptsd. I’m leaning toward a very high percentage.....if not all. Apparently early and even pre verbal trauma is very confusing and detrimental. Oh, I don’t have anything listed on my channel. I hope you are well as well. How is your journey? Take care abs God bless you Scott
@@persevere6326 , as far as my journey, I’m headed to glory land! God is amazing. If you have not read the Scriptures, I think you would be surprised. When memory of a trauma surfaces, smells are often first. The distinctive smell of my grandfathers garage was so real. If I wanted to, I could not conjure up that odor. I felt knocked off my axis, yet I still had to work and go through a “normal “ day”. When you figure out who violated you, a technique that can be helpful is to replay the trauma but rewrite it. You are able to fight off the villain are safe. Even so, you are forever changed. You’re a survivor. On a deep level, you would be able to help someone who has gone through a similar experience.
I feel like I might have repressed memories but I’m not sure. I’m very scared of being sexually assaulted when I go places and I’m also scared of being alone with men and when I visit places from my childhood I get hypervigilant for no apparent reason. I also used to have constant dreams of being chased by a rapist but they stopped some time ago and at a very young age I was curious about sex before I was sure it even was a thing. I have no idea what could have caused all this since I don’t remember being sexually abused at all. How can I figure out if I really do have repressed memories or if I’m just making stuff up?
Omg exactly same happens to me except that dream part, but I have a memory of someone grabbing my neck, that's it I don't remember who he was I wanna know
My abuser after I was abused by someone else, would always tell me no one will Believe me, you can't prove molestation, your a liar, your crazy, your the girl who cried wolf because you can't prove it. Something traumatic had happened with the first abuser, and it all came back and it made complete sense as to why he'd always tell me those things, because he did it to me first and he wanted me to forget but I didn't . He turned my whole family against me and has everyone to believe that I am crazy, the smallest things can bring up memories for.me, and to my family they don't believe it, they don't Believe in repressed memories they just don't understand I can't remember everything at once, and because I can't remember everything at once I am the crazy one who makes up memories. Thank you for sharing, I'm really going through it , still processing and I know there's more to my abuse I'm just hoping they don't avalanche on me all at once 😢😢❤ but thank you for sharing!
I am with you. I understand. I have been ridiculed and told I was crazy. Just keep moving forward and let your accusers fade into the background. Memories come in pieces. I just had a horrible flashback, the worst, triggered by a certain place I visited. I am glad that the worst memory came now because it can’t hurt me anymore; it’s like water flowing under a bridge.
Im 29 years old but when I was a little girl I use to have my barbie dolls perform oral sex on each other..till this day I feel disgusted in myself I don't know I did this so often...I also started wetting my bed when I was 4 all the way to 7..my mom told me my older cousin use to play with me and my sister in my grandmas room he would close the door and even locked the door..now I feel tense when I'm in a closed room especially with men and even my own dad..I feel weird around my dad at times like I have to protect myself. But I do love my dad just these uneasy feelings are killing me
I will pray for you! You must have a lot of questions. One thing that I do know is Jesus is the answer. In Him is peace and rest. He knows when you are ready for “the bad and the ugly.” I think of the good shepherd cuddling a sweet little lamb close to his heart. You are that sweet little lamb! He is carrying you until you are ready. I have been learning more about repressed memories. These memories, like a movie, are stored in different parts of our brain. Smell is stored in an area of the brain that deals with emotion. That was an aha! Moment for me! The first memory ( not an emotion from a trigger) for me was the smell of my grandpa’s garage. I sought my sisters memories instead of trusting to help me. Please stay in touch!
@@catherinekirby1457 thankyou so much for replying! God bless you 🙏❤ I'm so thankful to have found your video I don't feel so alone. Your smile is so genuine its rare to see in this world sadly.. will definitely subscribe I am very interested in your videos 😊
@@xoxobutterfly , we went to church today for prayer meeting and Gods love for you overwhelmed me and tears flowed down my face. No matter how bad life gets, God promises to bring good out of it, to flow His blessings upon us.
Be patient. You can force it. If you feel anxious, take slow deep breaths. Write down your fears and thoughts so that you don’t go to bed with them. Stay in touch. I’m praying for you, Angela.
That’s so true about how nobody wants to hear about it. I lost my friend who I was her maid of Honor for at her wedding because I was trauma dumping my SA too.
It’s really sad, isn’t it? Yet the most unsuspecting people, who aren’t even friends, will appear in your life and be supportive. Even if it’s just one person, it’s worthy of praise. I’m here for you!
I am afraid of the answers...I was triggered by trying to change the diaper of a child I was babysitting...he was struggling against me...I started hyper ventilating and had to lay down on the floor
Thank you, Zach. There are other videos, too! I’m sorry that I sandwiched them between my knitting podcasts. They are after podcast 23, after podcast 24:; after podcast 27, after 102, there are two videos. There are also 2 on depression, after podcast 89. Eventually, your memories will surface and just remember, it’s a relief! Don’t fear! Although it is traumatic and very upsetting, it’s the first step in the journey towards healing. I am here for you anytime!
I'm a man, but I understand that sensation of remembering something terrible happened, and not being able to retrieve it, until something triggers that memory. I just recently had a flashback of my uncle grooming me when I was little, the only thing I remember is him caressing my belly in an inappropriate way. And I'm very conflicted, because he was a man I help in high regard. Also, he's dead now, and my father too. Now I remember my sister telling me our father touched her, but he's dead as well, and our mother doesn't give a hoot about it I guess my family was screwed up from the start.
We are all screwed up without redemption from God. My message is for men, too! I’m sorry for your pain! You will get through this! It’s awful that family does unspeakable things to their children. It’s very difficult as an adult to remember someone that we thought loved us was a villain. I’m here for you! So is God!
@@catherinekirby1457 Thank you. The reason I'm so conflicted is that he genuinely cared for us, my siblings and I, in the sense that he was the only one who put and ounce of effort to help us out somehow. I think he was a man who wanted to be good, but had a nasty demon attached to his back. Or perhaps I'm just trying to justify it because I'm in shock.
I need help. I'm 15 and I recently had a strange thing happen. It was triggered when I asked if I was sexually abused. It felt so familiar yet so intense. It felt like a memory that I didn't remember. It's fragmented. I felt disgusting, I felt ashamed. I felt so angry and so betrayed. It was strange. I've never gotten a thing like this before. Now sometimes I can physically feel it. But I feel like I'm tricking myself into believing i was and that my body is making me feel things that aren't real. It hurts. Is it possible I'm remembering something. Or am i faking? I need to know because I don't think I can handle this anymore. I can't even remember how old I was. When it was. It sucks. I have Noone the moment
I just found my journal from 15 years ago when fragments of memories came back. I wrote, I’m holding pieces of a dirty defiled garment. “ I wanted to stop the world and get off, but where would I go? I feel for you. It’s like walking through the valley of death (Psalm 23); you had to go on a journey you didn’t chose and yet, there’s no way out but through it. Please know that God is with you. He loves you! And know that many walked the same path and made it to the light! You will too! You think you won’t, but one day at a time.
@@catherinekirby1457 thank you. Im trying my hardest to work things out. Denial has been eating me up but I'm trying to deny the denial. I know one day I will make it out, but the scariest part is how far it is, how hard and long it will take to get to that light. But I am willing to get through it all to get to that light. I wish I never remembered but I guess I had to sometime.
My husband was molested and been through a lot of Very horrible things and you know he’s my husband and he said I notice you have a scar down there he said I know that’s not normal it’s from young and I was telling him that’s crazy like it could have been you know from having intercourse but sometimes I go to places and feel like I’m being touched or when I’m with my child sometimes and he’s crying because kids get upset and when he gets really upset somethings I get anxiety like when I change his diaper and everyone is saying I’m causing probalem because for some reason my sister has been making me feel some way
@@gwendolynodell4581 , life can be very hard! Please call out to God for help. He loves to comfort us and give us peace. Read the Bible. Casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you. I Peter 5:7
Yeah I recalled mine completely out of nowhere. Never even considered it before. Wasn't thinking about it at all. Ever since then I'll have random memories bubble up to the sueface.
There’s a picture of myself when I was little n when I look at it I feel sad and scared n sick to my stomach. N the guy who I think did it. I feel very uncomfortable around him n he gets very overly excited when he sees me.
My cousin had a baby two years ago and seeing my uncle babysit her is bringing very unsettling feelings for me. My mom stopped letting him babysit me when I was young. And he has so many red flags. I don’t know what to do. I can’t remember much of my childhood but he scares me. And I don’t want the same outcome for my cousin’s daughter. He posts creepy weird things on instagram all the time too. I don’t know what to do because I don’t have any solid evidence or recollection. I just know he’s not safe
Hi Daniel. Nobody wants to know, but once I knew for sure that someone had abused me, I wanted to know but was afraid that it might have been someone that I loved dearly. Give it time; write down your dreams if you remember them. Ask God for His help; to be right beside you on this journey; to be your strength and your guide. He is so amazing and loves you more than you can comprehend!
I'm having lots of memories resurfacing now that I'm older and getting into relationships. I'm getting lots of memories involving my brother but I don't feel like it's right because I feel like I know he would never do something like that to me, and I know if I were to tell my parents they wouldn't believe me and would get angry with me. I can remember vividly one instance of him touching me but the situation was something he could say he didn't mean in that way. I remember waking up as a young child with my shirt lifted or my bottoms down, but I put this up to moving a lot in my sleep. There were many times when he photographed me or touched me strangely but it wasn't inherently sexual, like how once he photographed me with my mouth open as well as the inside of my throat and also my feet. I told my mother because I thought at the time i though it was funny but to this day I can remember her tone of voice when she told me I wasn't allowed in his bedroom anymore. I'm terrified to reach out for help and I don't know who to turn to because it's possible I'm remembering incorrectly and I never want to accuse my brother of something of that nature. I've started keeping a journal to write everything I remember in recently but so much of it feels off and wrong
I’m only 13 and I can’t remember what happened on a specific night when my dad broke into my room, I remember a few pieces but everything else is empty. I’ve been to a psychiatrist because I was showing severe anxiety, depression, and my mom believes my gastritis is caused by my stress. I myself don’t want to doubt my father but I’m having a difficult time and I don’t know the cause. I feel like so many things match up when sexual abuse victims talk about their experience and symptoms after going through that. I’m scared to tell any of my family members because what if it turns out nothing happened?
Aw, Nikki. It’s so scary and uncertain of others peoples’s reactions when we’re not sure of what happened. Please, confide in your Mom. And then, give her time. Don’t go by her initial reaction. You need a counselor. Please, talk to God,too. He loves you so much.
I remember in 2012 I would just wail and wail idk why, but it worried me why i couldn't stop crying. I just cried nad cried and cried. i feel lately like i can't cry even when I want to. :/
I had really horrible abuse when I was as child and don’t remember anything at all from my child hood I just remember neglect and trying to survive. It’s causing issues in my future relationships and i have a feeling I’ve as sexually abused but can’t remember anything, it’s extremely frustrating
I had a feeling that triggered a memory. It was " I'm trying to help you, why are you yelling at me" and the memory of me pulling my pajama pants down so that I wouldn't be woken up when "he" pulled them down. I was definitely physically abused, but I'm not sure about this. It would be molestation, probably not rape at least.
Once a memory comes out, it’s unsettling. you want to know and yet you don’t want to know. I’m here if you need help. Draw closer to God because he will go on this journey with you and he will strengthen you.
I am 68 years old and a male and always had inklings of sexual abuse. I was abused in other ways and had two hospitalizations for suicide ideation. One evening recently I watched a clip from an old All in the Family episode where she -Gloria had been sexually abused and the tears started flowing and went on for quite sometime. Now I am having memories of my mom disrobing in front of me as a child and once completely when I was 10 years old. The sexual innuendo was thick in my growing up years. Anyway being male and older like me is kind of awkward as it seems more females are victims. But it seems I am grieving now. Just thought I would throw that out there.
Oh I think there are many males who were abused! This isn’t a female issue. My heart goes out to you! Many people think that being ignorant, and being in the darkness is better, but I believe that once your memory brings these things out into the light, it is the beginning of healing. Please know that God suffered with you when these things happened to you. This is a very fallen world, and there is a lot of evil. Please don’t think that God doesn’t care about you and doesn’t love you deeply. You are very precious to Him. Let Him be your Lord and He will make all things new!
One of the most difficult things for me is not necessarily invalidation from friends or family, but the fact that the possibility of repressed memories is invalidated even in the scientific community. I typed in 'Repressed Memory Therapy' to see if there is some sort of option out there, and a slew of results say things like, 'The Persistent Myth Of Repressed Memories,' and, 'The Persistent and Problematic Claims of Long-Forgotten Trauma,' and, 'Repressed memory is a controversial, and largely scientifically discredited, claim . . .' Etc. How do you feel about that? How should a person who suspects they're suppressing memories of trauma take all of that?
You’ll soon learn that the Internet sensored to paint a certain narrative. This country benefits off of people being sick. So when I research, I go to the comments as well as watching videos of peoples personal experiences such as this one. I have healed 3 diseases with this method! Blessings and the doc is right.. it’s all about your own experience as well.
I’m grateful that most people I’ve told are good and get it but It is very lonely cuz there r some ppl who get so uncomfortable n that pains me more, making other ppl uncomfortable bc of it idk y but I feel bad for making them feel uncomfortable. I want to talk to someone who truly gets it or even journal. Idk I want it out of me I want to innerstand it. I want to stop feeling this way.
Healing comes. There is hope! Keep working through it. Journalling is very revealing. It gets all our emotions out in the open. Not everyone that you hope will understand and be part of your healing, will be. Forget the people that aren’t helpful. Or sometimes, they come back to you later and apologize for their reaction. Gravitate towards those who are helpful.
@@Madiitetr thanks, Madison. one day, you will look back upon this painful time and be thankful that God brought good things out of it, that you are whole and healed, and you understand how to be strong in adversity, that you will have a tender ear towards those who need to be understood.
@@catherinekirby1457 truth is I’m thankful even now. Good has come alrdy, like U for instance, and every person who’s shared their story n helped others like me feel less alone.
Every time I do stuff with my boyfriend I cry and break down. I am flooded with guilt when it’s over and I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t recollect any experiences with sexual abuse in my childhood. I have no idea why I react that way and am scared to ever find out.
I am experiencing the same exact thing and have been for about a year now. I don’t Remeber my experiences specifically yet but have ideas of who it may have been, every time I try to get intimate with my boyfriend I cry and clam up it feels like I’m numb and I hate it so much. I’m here if you want to talk 💜 really comforting to know I am not alone
My family suffered from domestic violence. I remember having dreams of things that he did to my sisters and thought it was my mind making it up until my sister actually confirmed it. Or fights that happened between my parents and I only tempered the start of it and the end of it. There are years of my childhood I don’t remember. And I think I show signs of being sexually abused but I don’t remember it. I do know that my father used to touch my breast and pretend he wanted to give me a back scratch. But I. Always thought that was minor and I shouldn’t feel sad about it because other people have gone through worse.
Oh Courtney, just because others have gone through worse doesn’t make it worth less. Trauma produces “Swiss cheese memories” - Swiss cheese has many holes. Don’t think it strange that you can’t remember your childhood. But now, it’s time. Your body is leading the way. God is with you; cling to Him. Memories will come back; it’s scary but it is necessary for healing and wholeness. I am here for you! I will be praying for you!
Do you think if I have a respressed memory of sexual abuse but I can't seem to remember exactly what happened just the feeling of being disgusted with my body when I come out of the shower to the point that I feel sick and want to cry or when I'm intimate with my husband I want to cry. If I can't remember it is it still possible to let it go?
Yes, you can heal! Please ask God to help you- pray straight from your heart. The Courage to Heal workbook brought out my repressed memory. Start journally- daily. I am here for you. creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
I was sexually abused by my biological father for a few years when I was a child. Recently, I turned 18 years old, I recalled some of my memories but it's still not clear, it makes me sick in the stomach and I feel extremely depressed all the time. I'm currently working with a therapist. I want to confront him in court. Does anyone know how long it might take to get justice and he will be in jail. I don't know much about the laws of my country and I don't want to approach people I know in my life to ask them about this. Even my mother doesn't want me to go to court as I will be wasting time to go to university abroad because I won't be able to leave the country.
Hi! When I was about 5-6 years old, I used to pretend my barbie dolls were touching eachother and would also be touched or innapropriately touch my closest friend at the time. I also remember asking her if she wanted to have sex one time (at that age I didn't know what it was). I am still ashamed I/we did those things but now that I am older (15) I wonder where I could have learned it from. I was not exposed to any explicit films, books or TV shows and my parents were divorced so I could not have picked up anything from them. I also used to struggle with intense nightmares and slept in my dads bed until 8 and my mom's until 11, even going so far as to wet my bed just to sleep with them (the wetting stopped at 6). I bathed with my dad (naked, he would wear shorts) until the age of about 7. I remember he would also smack, or pat my butt until I was about 12 and he still does it sometimes. This made me very uncomfortable and I do recall one situation where he held me to the bed and started kissing my chin in the way you would give a hickey and it hurt. In addition to this, I also tried to innapropriately kiss my mother at 6 but this could have been learnt from a Disney movie. The other day, I was talking to my dad (to give context, my parents have a restraining order against my grandparents) and he said that one of the reasons was because they had accused him of molesting me and that he'd almost gone to prison. One thing that stood out to me was that the child protections services had asked to do checks on me for signs of sexual abuse but he'd refused. Ever since then, I have been quite emotional, had irritability, intense anxiety and have been feeling as if something did happen but I cannot remember it, no matter how hard I try. (I have always been anxious and started skin picking at the age of 5) It is incredibly frustrating to me as I want to know if something happened. I do also remember my grandfather being abusive towards me like forcing me to eat soap and looking into the mirror to watch myself cry as punishment. He also abused my mom as a child, but I do not have much memory of being around him. I used to go there as a child, before the restraining order was inforced and my grandmother and him would look after me, I am not sure if we were ever left alone. I wonder if he could also have been a possible perpetrator but I do not have enough memory of the time spent with him to know or not. Please help, I feel very scared because I don't know if something happened to me or not and it is causing me deep frustration.
You are dealing with a lot. Is there a counselor you can see? You are right : children should not know about sex. Please start journaling. You cannot force memories to reveal themselves. I would be happy to talk with you but you should still find a counselor. You can email me: creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
@@catherinekirby1457 hi I'm sorry to reply so late, I did not get the notification from your response. I do not have a councilor. Today I was talking to my mother and she said that my grandfather had molested her at a young age and remembered commenting on this video saying that I felt like it'd happened to me before. I am now wondering if I was right and if it was infact my grandfather. I am trying to remember if we were ever alone together or if he was ever innapropriate, but still very blury.
@@kylie-rosenelson6961 , don’t try to force memories to the surface. Work on being a whole person, grounded in faith. If God is your anchor and your strength, when the memories come back to you, you will not fall apart.
I have flashbacks of images that i was with my father in bed and he used to tickling my belly then goes down and touches my genatalia as part of joke or a play, i dont know why im having these flashbacks but the whole picture is not clear , there are other 2 flashbacks but as this one, is this considered abuse? My father was irresponsible narcistic man, i had experienced emotional and verbal abuse as well.
When I got puberty, I was really uncomfortable near every man even my relatives then I remembered I used to feel same at some point in my childhood, it's a very weird feeling, I have a picture of someone I knew grabbing my neck at a fam function but now I don't remember who was that, i wanna know who was that and wt happened I literally get suspicious about every man lol😣
I heard you loud and clear. The Courage to Heal Workbook triggered my memories. We have a drive to know who hurt us and there’s no peace in our hearts until we find the truth. Every man we know is a suspect. Start journalling. You might be surprised what comes out on paper.
i had an extremely strange dream last night, that when i was awake & remembered my dream seemed to trigger memories i had never remembered before, i confided in a family member i trust who is my age, & they started to experience similar memories, i am shocked & confused & i have no idea what we should do, we are currently minors, however these memories are from about 6+ years ago, we have no evidence other than foggy memories & extreme dread & fear towards the family member, it would be our word against theirs, i am at a loss as to what to do or if we should do anything at all, any advice would be much appreciated, thank you so much for this video ♥️
Thank you for sharing,Rochelle. You can’t accuse someone without facts. I do believe that, once memories begin to surface, it’s just the beginning. The worst part is not knowing. I really feel for you. Trust your fear. That’s the first emotion that I experienced when I saw my husband zipping up his pants. I have no reason to fear my husband, yet I felt heart- stopping fear. I knew, without question, that something bad happened to me, something sexual, involving a man. I knew it happened when I was a child. I didn’t doubt any of those things. But that was just the beginning. Be patient. It’s difficult. Please, don’t leave your Heavenly Father out of this. Talk to Him. He loves you. Ask for His help. It’s a blessing that there is another family member that can be supportive and will believe you.
@@catherinekirby1457 • thank you so much for your video & reply ♡ i have been praying & opening up to my family member i am close to. • i now know what lead me to have the dreams & to have memories resurface. • i unexpectedly saw a family member, he walked in jangling his keys, the keys along with the sound of him walking, i felt fear, the most fear i thought i had ever felt in my life, along with guilt, embarassment & shame, but i knew i had felt like that before. • since i have had troubled dreams, i realised that i could not remember him in any of my memories but there is evidence he was present for those memories, for example, i remember his wedding & every other family member there, but not him being there. • i also realised that i have this intense fear & anxiety towards men, specifically men who have a similar appearance. • i started to remember multiple times in my childhood of him walking into a room where we were alone & shutting the door & having blank walls in my memories. • now i can remember most of those blanks, at least 3 clear, separate memories of things of a sexual nature happened. • i have a memory of me as a child confronting him saying i didn't want to do those things anymore & him getting angry. • this Friday my entire extended family are going on holiday. he will be there. • my parents do not know. the only other person who knows is my family member who is my age. • she does not have any memories or memories coming back like i have, but she experiences the same shame, fear, guilt & embarassment, when thinking of / seeing him. • she also has the same problem of remembering all other family members at events but not remembering him at the events even though there are photos of us all together at those events. • i have started to remember 2 other instances of both of us being alone with him & then my memories hit the blank wall, the same blank wall in my memories i used to have before i remembered. • i am concerned that something may have happened to her as well. • i am concerned that she may be triggered upon seeing him as i was. • i do not know what is worse, that it might have only happened to me & that i am alone in the experience or that she has also been subjected to what happened. • i hope it didn't happen to her but i am scared to be alone in this experience. • we recently found out he & his wife are trying IVF. • i have put my family member in an awkward position as she is the only one who knows what i remember, but she does not remember any abuse herself. • she does remember the start of one of the instances of him coming into our room, on holiday, while we were asleep, she does not remember it was him, she remembers someone entering the room, & the door opening waking her up, i remember the same thing except it was him who came in & closed the door then came towards me. • i am deeply concerned & i do not know if there is anything i can do about the situation i am in, & if there is something i can do, i am undecided on whether i should. i shall keep praying, God bless you & your family ♡
@@rainbowglass8319 , can we talk? Is there a reason why you can’t trust either or both of your parents? Remember the shark when you had this first trigger? If you were able to talk to one or both of your parents, they will have that same reaction and it will take some time for it to settle in and for them to respond in a better way. Usually, a perpetrator doesn’t just have one victim. NEVER be alone with this man! The reason why you cannot remember him at these events is that you’re mind was trying to block him out, no matter what the situation.
How do you know it was real? (Not doubting her I’m wondering for personal reasons.) others have come forward, against someone I was really close with, I started to “remember” (or whatever you should call it) but I’m not even sure if it’s real. How do you know if it’s a memory or a false memory?
Give it time. My sister is 2 years older than me. Sometimes, she will mention something from our childhood and I think, I don’t remember that. But gradually, I do, not a complete memory of it but enough to know that what she said was true. Ask God to help you on this journey. He will.
"If it's not real, you can't hold it in your hand. You can't feel it with your heart, and I won't believe it. But if it's true, you can see it with your eyes, even in the dark." I know my father sexually abused me, but I don't have explicit memories. The ones I do have always seemed so begnine. A weird comment here, an inappropriate touch there, but nothing major. When I ask myself, was he sexually abusive however, the answer "yes" is at the forefront of my mind. The red flags that surround my childhood confirm it as well. Urinary tract infections. Early self harm. Adults having to correct my inappropriate behavior that no child should express at the age of 5. Memories aren't required for validation, but if there are things around the memory that validate the abuse, it's more likely to be true.
An acquaintance recently told me they were aware I'd been sexually assaulted as a child. I was shocked, and have no memory of this. This same person moved their mouth in an awkward way one time, and it distressed me. It was a dark feeling, that maybe this person harmed me, but I'd blocked it out. Is something that small, such as a mouth movement a possible trigger?
I can’t tell if it is a lie. I feel like I’m making it up. It can’t be true I’m just imagining that it happened. Right? How do I know that’s really what happened? He wouldn’t do that right? Why do I feel like I’m imagining it. I can’t tell
Right now, you feel like you are going crazy but your memory will tell the story in time. Trust your gut instincts. Listen to things that trigger anxiety. And ask God to guide you and help you.
I am struggling with this. I have what would be called virginitiphobia: fear of rape, androphobia: fear of men,, maskephobia: fear of people with face coverings, iatrophobia: fear of doctors, and scopophobia: fear of being looked at...these issues along with a night.are disorder, has lent to agoraphobia. But ultimately I just have to figure out..what the hell happened to me that makes me have these rape Nightmares and extremely irrational fears that impede my life like this. Is there a way to reach you? Maybe just to chat a little more..I have been in therapy, but am hesitant to share some of this because they have obligations to tbe state and that scares me. I am just needing help.
One time years ago I was sitting on the couch reading and my husband playfully rushed towards me and my reaction actually scared him and he said,” you turned into a scared little girl right in front of me .I’ll never do that again.” I have one main “ body memory “ that has stuck w me most of my life but no real flashbacks. It has been very damaging to our 44 year marriage for sure😔 3:35
Thank you for the video I’m 18 now, but if it did happen, the oldest I would have been was 7 I one day was having a crisis because I have all these issues with intimacy and vulnerability and it just feels so scary, but I don’t know exactly why. I wondered if it possibly was assault at a young age but I couldn’t remember who possibly did that, but then I had a random memory of a man who used to baby sit us. It felt like it hit me like a brick. But I have no memory of it at all, and I’m still not sure if that’s what happened to give me these issues. My fear of intimacy in general could come from low self esteem, general neglect, and autism as well, but it just doesn’t feel like it should be this intense. I feel like if I wanted to have sex I’d have to be drunk to start it. But that could also be general anxiety. I also have a disorganized attachment style, but I was always confused because the causes of it are physical, mental or sexual abuse. I don’t think I really went through any of those, so I don’t know why I have this attachment style. I was spanked as a kid? But it never felt extreme. I saw that a symptom is sexually curious at a young age, and I didn’t think I experienced that. But I just remembered one day I felt like my Barbie and ken doll should kiss while naked. I don’t remember why I felt compelled to. I now get graphic and intrusive sexual thoughts, and feel a general paranoia and fear around men. I just never truly feel safe if I’m alone with a man, sometimes even around my dad. But I know my dad never did that and wouldn’t hurt me that way. I’m not sure what to do
It is the not knowing that makes us crazy. So many triggers and no explanations. Have you asked your parents about the babysitter? Your fears started somewhere. We adopted an older dog and for two years, he slept all day while I was at work. my husband joked that he was a pet rock. In reality, he was avoiding my husband. He ventured out of the guest bedroom when I came home. My husband spent countless hours getting our dog to trust him and slowly but surely, the dog trusted him and would sit by him. Then one day, he was with my husband and my husband reached into the closet to get a belt, and the old dog bolted, jumping over things and racing to the back door in a panic. This dog is arthritic and on a good day, moves slowly but fueled by terror, he ran fast. It doesn’t take much understanding to see that the belt triggered fear. It’s the same with your fears. They are valid. Have you talked to you parents? Have you tried journalling? It’s going to take effort on your part, but begin to work to make some sense of your fears. Thanks for writing, sweet girl.
@@catherinekirby1457 Thank you, I’m going to be making a therapy appointment today to discuss it. I am a bit worried about telling my parents what they think, I normally don’t tell them about my problems. My mother has been sexually abused as well when she was a kid, it would break her heart to know the same thing might have happened to me. Maybe not believe me, idk. But again thank you, I hope you are doing well
@@toiletpaper6408 , from a mother’s perspective, I can’t speak for everyone, but it would hurt me if my daughter or son felt that they couldn’t come to me because I would fall apart.
You can’t force a memory to surface. Live life every day- do the things that you always do; bits and pieces may reveal themselves but usually when you are doing other things.
My mom thinks I was sexually abused when I was a baby or toddler with a close family friend who has been since confirmed to b a child rapist, Idk if it happend or not bc I can’t remember, but my mom also told me how mean she used to be with me and these traumatic situations I’d be in as a child and I can’t remember them. I can’t remember a lot of the trauma as a child so now I wonder 😥🤨
Please don’t suffer over what might have never happened. Be happy in today. Don’t let “ what-ifs” steal today’s peace of mind. Your mom is tormented, worrying that she did not protect her baby. Because you can’t remember, she has no closure. She is like the victim, desperately needing to know the facts and because the facts are hidden from her, her anxiety increases. Please embrace this Scripture. “ You (God) will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in You.” Isaiah 26:2 Stayed means that your burden is gone. you are refreshed. God has taken your burdens from you. Trusting in Him given you peace.
There has been a thought that I might have been sexually abused for some time now. I keep getting back to it.. I don't remember anything specific but I have a lot of chronic pain in my body. I left my family 4 years ago. Since then I have been very terrified of my father. Even getting a text from him makes me so triggered and afraid. I only remember a few weird memories. Once I confided in him as a teenager that I was bullied at school and he told me victims always case the abuse for themselves in some way. Then I remember that once I have confided in my parents that I was touched inaproppriatelly by a cousin and they gave me no response at all. Things like that. I would like to know if something happened to me by my father or somebody else, that I might not remember. Mainly because of the chronic pain. I was very happy to hear you talking about God at the end. I am also a believer ♥️.
First, trust your instincts and the leading of the Holy Spirit. Let God lead you. Pray often. Please, start journaling. I would love to talk with you: creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
I had to realize that they were putting up walls of self-protection. I left them alone. Obviously, they weren’t going to be part of my healing journey. Don’t expect something from people who won’t come through for you.
I have an issue, you can write a book on it and keep the money. I need someone to hear me please. I had MINE covered up by a TBI agent that was father of my first lovely bf. I’ve stayed quiet 17 yrs. He set me up to think I deserved horrific treatment…I wanna figure that out. I do therapy weekly but this guys HIGH up in gov, and yet I’m still a liar.. Thank you
Leigh, there is healing! In this world, truth is despised and liars reign! Look at all the victims of sex trafficking, even infants. Children are discredited in court; I know; I have testified for children. You know the truth! But there is a truth that is bigger than you. Jesus said, I am the way the truth and the life and that truth will set you free. I sincerely hope that you’ve reached out to Jesus because he knows everything about you, even things that you don’t know about yourself and he is ready and able to make you whole. Start reading the Bible. I am here for you if you want to talk. I believe you! creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
My father also threw out all of out family Fotos and i always thought to mysefl it was so i dont remebr anything . I do have a scar in my Genetils . I havent asked the doctor i m scared to lnow .
Fear holds us back. See a female doctor that you feel comfortable with. When there’s abuse, the memory is full of holes. People look back over their childhood and they just can’t remember anything.
I had another instance where I don't remember this. But we lived in an apartment projects where this little girl would play at the park with me. But one time my mom walked outside and she was showing me her naked body.
Whoever may be reading this,
I believe you. Your story is real and deserves to be understood. You are not alone. What happened to you was real and it was wrong. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know how hard it can be sometimes.
Thank you very much. There are many hurting people who need an understanding ear.
Thank you
Forty one years. Flashbacks, once the first couple pieces presented, took me in and I lost HOURS.. it took a full year for me to recall most of it. That was a year ago this month. It is leveling me.
The body keeps the score. It’s insane. Things are a lot less straightforward than we’d like to admit to ourselves. I’m sorry that you’ve felt let down by your family.
Yes it does. I have fibromyalgia. There’s a high rate of fibro. In survivors of child abuse.
Thanks for your concern.
I can’t thank you enough. That book was recommended to me before and as someone who is searching for answers about possible sexual abuse I have to read it now. Your comment is such a gift from God… thank you
I finally full understood this when I was at my bfs house and his little cousins were over and they were running through the halls and stomping loudly, I immediately froze , I couldn’t figure out why hearing kids playing in the hallway had this negative impact on me , then I thought about it for a minute . I’ve lived in multiple abusive households, one of the more recent ones the woman and the man would be physically fighting eachother and all I’d hear is screaming and their bodies hitting the walls and even the door to my room, I’d hear stumbling and stumping . I had forgot about that for a really long time, I had buried it deep. But here I was on a random night almost a year later in tears from hearing happy kids stumping in the hallway.
I feel like I’m making everything up. I keep uncovering really vivid childhood memories that make me feel really unsafe. I told this to my mom sometime last year and she assured me that there was nobody in my life who could’ve done this. I suspect my dad or my grandpa because of specific memories… seemingly benevolent ones, but I don’t know they are very off. My mom says that it was definitely not my dad and that he would never do it, but I have very strange triggers and memories about him. I keep having these super weird intangible flashbacks and I just KNOW that something happened to me. My reactions to certain situations and foggy memories are just not normal. But the thing is I don’t know that just having faith is enough. Im afraid that I will never remember and I NEED to know. What if I was dreaming? What if I am just imagining things? **Do people who haven’t been sexually abused think they have been? Like is the possibly of sexual abuse something that non-victims stress over every day? I need the answer.
I know, from experience, that you can Been married to a person for many years and not know what they are capable of. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. My worst fear is that someone that I love very much had done something horrible to me. I believe you have that same fear. It will play out and it’s own time. You can’t force it. Try to be calm. Build a relationship with God. Jesus is interested in everything about you. He knows you.The Bible says that he knew you before you were in your mothers womb
Ask God to strengthen you so that when the answer comes, you are able to handle it.
@@catherinekirby1457 thank you very much
This first came up when I start cutting off my toxic and abusive family and then moved away. I've done a lot of healing and I am improving more and more loving myself but then there are instances when I meditate where I get these strange sensations and eventually random memories (more like impressions really) I suddenly have repulsive reactions towards my father (he died when i was really young) and their relatives and it didn't stop from then on. In fact, these feelings are getting stronger... I would cry "mama...mama...mama" basically like i am a baby again. Uncontrollable sobs and rage. I want to dig deeper but I don't know if I can handle it. I was heavily dissociated when I was younger, like everything felt unreal esp myself. I thought i was just highly spiritual but turns out it's a huge indicator!
I still feel like there's something deep within me that I havent unearthed and still remain hidden. I can barely express my fully and truthfully even to myself it's like who I am is hiding even from me.
Trust yourself ❤ talk to someone about how you feel. Someone with the capacity to see perspective ❤
thank you for the comment of "maybe the memory is being brought up because now we are strong enough to handle it". this means so much to me personally, and i'm sure to other people watching as well.
Thank you. The brain is amazing. Everything is recorded and stored. I’m glad that childhood traumas are stored; if not, they would rob us of childhood and our innocence.
I recently read that until the person is able to process NOTHING will unlock memories the brain has hidden. Not hypnosis. Not anything. But please believe me when I say, I was much much much happier and felt more whole before it all unlocked. Now… I’m shattered..lost… a very lonely space..to get out of
@@CoffeeNLiveMusicLiaison i believe you...trauma is always a touch thing to handle. please stay safe and seek support while you process everything
I am a 42 year old man. My dad died about 7 weeks ago. On Father’s Day I was mostly alone (kids on vacation with their mom). I took a THC gummy. My heart started racing and after a bit, peeling the layers off, I remembered that my dad molested and raped me when I was 4. I kept it down for over 38 years. I cried and cried and cried. I guess I couldn’t face it while my dad was alive.
This coincides with the very recent end of a relationship with a woman who mirrored my dad in many ways.
It explains a lot. My need for sexual validation for women. My hyper sexuality. The shame I felt and that my dad instilled in me about girls. Why we didn’t discuss relationships in my house. My hitting puberty very late. Why my dad was so isolationist.
I am questioning the validity of this memory. Especially since THC was involved. But it feels like it did happen. And my therapist and another coach I work with told me they had suspected for a while before I said anything.
Thoughts?
My memory was triggered just like yours: BAM! There What is no denying it and no going back. Like you, I then understood my triggers. A lot of things made sense then
Also, I don’t think that the THC invalidates your memory
@@catherinekirby1457 It’s not possible this is a false memory? No one ever implanted the suggestion in me that I’m aware of.
I really appreciate your video. Thank you.
@@nocontactwarrior2993 , it’s possible. But you already know the answer to the question
@@catherinekirby1457 yes I do. This is the missing piece to the puzzle. Thank you.
I'm almost 30 now. I'm starting to think now that it's very possible that I was sexually abused as a child but so much of my childhood is a blur.
People with painful childhoods sometimes describe their memory of growing up like Swiss cheese with lots of holes. They just can’t seem to pull up memories about much of anything. This is very puzzling when they hear other adults talking about many events, including specifics, about growing up years. Start journaling - that’s a good place to start. Older siblings and cousins can be “memory keepers.”
i’m 14, my sister was sexually assaulted by my father. & i feel like he must’ve done something to me. i always showed signs when i was younger, being terrified of my dad, hating when people touched me, sexually curious at an inappropriately young age, & i had nightmares about my dad. i obviously wouldn’t want this to be true but it’s always been. a huge fear of mine to have a repressed memory come back. im so curious to know if it happened because im seeing the signs now, but i guess it’s better for my brain to keep it hidden for now
Hi Nadia. Thanks for writing. It’s often easier to share with strangers. Sadly, we can’t control our brains. These suppressed memories, however, are affecting you and keeping you from living the joyful life that God wants for you. It’s only when we heal, that we look back and see how all the triggers controlled us. Say to yourself every day: God loves me so much! He is always here with me. I will not go through anything alone. He will help me and give me His strength. Like He told Joshua, Do not be afraid. Be of good courage!
@@catherinekirby1457 thank you 🙏🏼 ❤️
@@nadia-jz2mp , I would be happy to talk with you. Let me know
@@nadia-jz2mp , after podcast 84 and 98, there are two other podcasts that I did, that might help you.
@@catherinekirby1457 i’ll keep that in mind
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m missing something, like something happened to me when I was younger but I just can’t remember. I’m scared that it will be too hard to deal with if I figure out what it is, but part of me still wants to know.
It’s normal to understand troubling feelings; to know where they came from - it’s better to know. Ignorance is not bliss! When you feel uncomfortable, write down the triggers. Let me know how you are doing.
me too. i am very addicted to marijuana and i wonder if it's bc something happened to me as a child. i know predators TRIED but i don't know if i blocked out actual abuse....
my soul feels raped
I am submerged in darkness
please Jesus, heal me
and turn my life around
in beautiful miraculous ways
He will! Read His Word; seek Him!
Thank you for this! A couple weeks ago I had purchased a laundry soap that I don't normally get. Fast forward a couple days and the smell of the soap sent me into a tailspin, I couldn't figure out why I disliked it to the point I threw out what was left. One evening when my son walked by and I could smell his shirt the memory came flooding back of being in my Dad's apartment. I'm still working through this and taken quite off guard when it comes up without warning. This is all coming up at the same time my husband has asked for a divorce. I feel like my whole world is caving in!
Who knows why triggers elicit a strong reaction at a certain time in our life? Maybe when we are vulnerable? You are not alone! God is right there with you as you take this journey! Please remember that! Romana 8:28 he promises to bring good out of any situation.
How are you doing? creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
Please contact me. I care
Nomad, how are you? I haven’t forgotten your struggles and wanted to reach out with my heart.
Hope you're okay.
Hi... I had a repressed memory come back today... Always had a thought about something but didn't explore it. I actually didn't want to know... through a thought process today, this memory came to mind. I'm sick to my stomach now... I feel ill. This is why I'm watching this video. I am trying to now understand what happens next... I'm no stranger to the issues I've had and still have all my life. It's like I have been digging to find that last piece of my puzzle. I found it today... Thank you for your video
Oh Gordana, I pray for total healing for you! Thank you for sharing your heartfelt issues with me.
@@catherinekirby1457 Thank you so much!! This is like nothing I have ever felt... It's still fresh but I do feel more grounded today.. tears and just letting the feelings come as they may... ouch, but at least now the healing may begin. God Bless..
It’s been a year. How are you doing? If you don’t want to answer publicly, here’s my email: creativeeweyarns @gmail.com
You have no idea how much this helped ❤
😭 as a survivor of sexual abuse for over 10 years I appreciate you being vulnerable and sharing. I personally go to a Truama therapist and do weekly sessions with EMDR being apart of that. I shared my story on my channel as well. Well parts of it!
Thanks so much. I will check out your channel. I refuse to be a victim. Instead of remembering as a scared child, I’m a strong woman kicking dirt in this man’s face, telling him what a pervert he is and that he should be ashamed! Then I walk away
Oh wow. God bless you❤
Thank you 💗 I really appreciate your vulnerability and bravery to share your story. I felt validated and less alone watching your video 💙💜💝
Thank you. There are more videos- if you check the most recent, you will find a list in the Description on the others. Remember, you are not alone. Most of all, God is always with you through sunshine and storms.
Great info, analogies and examples. Thus absolutely makes me feel more "normal" and not alone. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experiences. I am sharing this video with my mom, first thing in the morning, for her to watch and for us both to re-watch.
Thank you, especially for the last comment about what NOT to do. I plan to look for the video you referenced to gain more insight on that.
❤️
Thanks Jolene. I made several videos. They are tucked between my knitting videos : numbers 45, 61,73,101,102,103. You are definitely not alone.
Catherine, sister. I so appreciate you and this message as I find myself freshly raw of truths coming forth and in a time of need and support. Your energy is so lovely and feels safe. Like I’m not alone. Thank you. And may you continue to be blessed by god
Lindsay, your message brought tears to my eyes. Yes, it’s raw! That wound is opened and it can be ugly, putrid, full of harm. But God is beginning a healing in your life, truth will chase away fear. To the woman who trusts wholly in God, 2Corinthians 5:17 assures her, “If anyone be in Christ, she is a new creature; old things are passed away; all things are become new.” This is the start of a new beginning for you, Lindsay. The Chinese use the same character for crisis and opportunity, I think. The pain that you are experiencing will bring healing. Grief gives way to peace and wholeness. The pain is not wasted. I am here for you. I will speak your name to God often. Do you have any idea how much He loves you?
thank you for uploading this video. these memories just came back and my whole body is terrified. this video helped me feel less helpless
That’s how I felt! Terrified! Those memories have such a powerful effect on our emotions. Things will get easier. Just take it one day at a time.
Thank you very much for sharing. When I was a child, I was abused by a family member for three years. I am still healing from the trauma. I told my mother about it twenty years after it happened. She showed absolutely no sympathy. And she constantly praises the abuser to me during every conversation. It is very painful. Your video has helped me in healing. 🙏
I am so sorry! Gravitate towards those who are loving. The expectations of what a mothers love should be and what our reality is -- all that I can say is that only God can comfort us and take that hurt from us. He’s saying, “My dear child, it hurts me so to see you carrying that burden. Please. Give it to me. Let me carry it for you.”
Our tears are so precious to Him. He saves every one. They are like precious jewels. Your mother has shown you who she is; don’t expect anything else.
Thank you for sharing, you are a light and a beautiful teacher
You are so welcome! Thanks for joining the podcast!
Thank you so much for sharing this message of support. I just “opened pandora’s box” and I’m still so confused and in shock. I really appreciate you sharing your story
Thank you, There are several other videos. It’s a scary confusing journey but worth it. I will be praying for you.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for this video 🙏
I hope it helps. There are several more among the knitting podcasts; if you check out my latest ones; the rest are listed in the description
Very lonely road- particularly when your family denies your truth (and your mother blames you for “ruining the family” while protecting the abuser).
My road has been long and difficult. Meditation, prayer and daily journaling, along with allowing myself to feel what I feel in the moment has allowed me to heal. I don’t need anyone to corroborate my story or believe me… I know what happened.
Thanks for sharing. Yes, isn’t it terrible when the roles get switched and the victim is looked upon as a trouble maker. On this earth, anyway, but not in the hereafter. India’ s motto, “ Truth always triumphs,” is encouraging but truth is very unpopular with many people. It’s easier on the soul to believe a lie.
Thank you for this video!
Thank you for sharing. The more people who have the courage to do this, the more the rest of us don’t have to feel so alone. Between TH-cam, Reddit, and forums on sexual abuse websites, I’m absolutely amazed how many of us there are with memories that were pushed out of our conscious awareness, often for years and decades like myself. If it wasn’t so painful, it would be such a fascinating study on how this happens. I’m so grateful for all who share and all who comment.
Thank you so much! It’s not a topic that family or friends want to hear. Those memories horrified me. What? Who? When? Meanwhile, life goes on, working, not sleeping, in a terrible journey through the fog, alone except for my Lord. I was terrified that The Who would be someone I loved. What a relief to discover that it wasn’t!
Tim, it’s been a year since we connected. I’m reaching out, hoping you are doing well. Imagine if a child had to carry these horrendous memories? Childhood would be stolen away, gone! God is good; he doesn’t take away the memory; he hides it like an ugly toad under a rock until we are older. People fume! Why couldn’t it have stayed hidden? But those hidden toads cause warts. We feel depressed, sad, irritable, etc and we don’t know why. It’s time for a reveal. You can’t heal when you don’t know that cause. It’s not fun. it’s a journey through dark woods and spooky thoughts that are worse than truth sometimes. The rmemory gives us a flashlight to shine our mind’s dark places, showing truth. Jesus said, “The truth shall set you free.” And it does.
@@catherinekirby1457 Thank you for reaching out. How thoughtful! I’m doing better but I’ve had no recalled memories. I have however found a very good therapist. We are working through the body and I’m confident that is the right way to go. My body has memories which I experience daily, and which we work on through taping etc. There is a deep connection and discovery every time we meet, even if there are no “historical” memories that come up. This bothered me at first but the therapist assured me it was ok, as I am doing good with body memories, primarily through my emotions. The child inside just doesn’t want to go there yet and has communicated that to me, but still wants the connection that is growing through our work in therapy and through daily awareness of the pain he feels. So yes I feel the crappy emotions caused by those warts but there is also healing, more slowly perhaps but still healing. Thank you for the kind words.
@@timkiblen6187 Oh, you are so wise and patient. Most people, because of pain and anxiety, rush the process! ! It doesn’t work that way; nor, would it be wise. Better slow and steady; let the body lead. I’m reminded of Psalm 23: the good shepherd leads them beside still waters and their souls are restored. Sheep can’t relax when nearby water is rushing. In the quiet and stillness, they are refreshed by the Shepherd’s presence. They need that time to learn to trust Him because tough times are ahead. He is going to lead them up the mountain to the tablelands, lush pastures, the best!
But to get there, they must travel through dangerous enemy occupied territory , the worse. Death hangs over them like a shadow. It’s terrifying , except for God’s presence, his rod and his staff {He has both defensive and offensive strategies covered} reassures them. The trust in their Shepherd , that they developed laying beside quiet ponds, comforts them. He will meet their needs. When their strength fails, He will carry them around His shoulders. They can “rest” in Him. He will protect them on the journey. They can walk right pass their predators, past the evil eyes gleaming through the trees, pass the drooling jaws. When they get to the lush, dew drenched land, it is only because of the shepherd’s love for them.
If you don’t have an intimate relationship with Jesus, he’s waiting. He’s so easy to fall in love with! He says, Taste and see if I am good.
The more I learn about the gentle shepherd, the more lovelier He becomes.
He is the door. John 10:7. Not a door, but “the door”. He would take the sheep to a small cave in the mountains. While they slept, he stretched his body over the entrance, forming a barrier to predators. Even while they slept, He was watching over them.
Sheep are not smart. They can wander all day, even step off a cliff. Their problem is that they don’t look up.
The world is in a sad state. Jesus is still leading us beside still waters. The Bible foretold the current events and told us that when we see these these happening, don’t be afraid but LOOK UP. Our redemption is near!
I do not not why God led me to reach out to you, perhaps it’s His all consuming love for you. Please say YES. His arms are open.
Sincerely,
Catherine, one of His
Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable! I know that you will help someone with this message.
Thanks! It’s not easy to put yourself out there but those who are hurting need a voice
.
Catherine, I didn’t realize you were a medical doctor. I knew you were more than a knitter & shop owner, just couldn’t figure it out. Thank you for sharing this very serious topic. Also for your openness in sharing your own reality. This is something that I have struggled with. As I know it happened, but have not been able to put all the pieces together. But realize that it really isn’t that important.
I had signs beforehand, things that didn’t make sense, I knew at some level it probably happened. But when I had my daughter, I recognized the signs before anyone else had a clue. Then I knew it had happened to me too. I never went to anyone with it because my father was also severely emotion and physically abuse to me, much more than my sisters. If even to them. But, it’s true, it’s something you never forget or really get over.
I wanted very much to be a Dr of psychology. However, in my last year of my masters the hospital made a fatal mistake with my care, resulting in multiple health issues which causes me to be unable to work. I did get to be a counselor to many children before this & changed some of their lives. Although I was able to finish my masters, while recovering & going through chemo. I was never able to get my PhD.
Long story short, thank you Catherine.
Thanks for sharing. Yes,the past has no power over us unless we let it but it is a part of who we are. With or without a degree, The greatest joy as a Christian is to be a humble tool in the Master’s hands.
How can you purposely trigger yourself to remember? I know for a fact something happened to me but don’t remember anything solid. There are already 6 girls that we know of that were abused by my abuser. I’m the oldest. I can’t remember anything happening to me. It makes me feel really scared
You can’t make yourself remember. When you least expect it, something will trigger your memory. Stay in touch please. I’ll be praying for you.
Tori Pinson, in 'knowing', you have the memory you can handle right now. I'm 55 years old and didn't 'know' until I was 39. At 39 I got bits and pieces of memory and certain 'knowings' without memories. Now I'm suddenly gaining more memories and more knowings. These after years of nothing but a lot of trauma in my life followed by the last 10 years healing and growing in a deeply rich and vast knowledge of Jesus' love for me. At 39 I was in a very insecure and unsafe environment, thus everything shut down. Now, I am in a place of greater security and much stronger, and I trust Jesus totally. I am in a position to let the little girl in me know she is safe and she can finally release all she has had to hold onto and hide so that I would survive into adulthood. Be kind, be gentle and have empathy for that part of yourself that is scared. Let her know that you trust her and that she knows best. She will know when it is the right time to show you the truth💖
Hypnosis, even free online videos are very effective
@@catherinekirby1457fast, pray, eat clean and therapy
I love you, thank you for being open about your story
There are other videos, too- after this one
Thank you for sharing this. I have been through similar and it is very lonely
It is lonely, I agree. When I was a nurse, the charge nurse and I went into the patients room. She went to the far side of the bed; I went to the near side. There was very little space on my side. The doctor, who was almost revered by all, came into the room and squeezed behind me pressing his privates into my buttocks area. Now the other nurse she would’ve testified that absolutely nothing happened. But I knew differently. Who was I going to tell?! And in my life this was one of the more minor things that happened.
After that, I observed this doctor. He always seemed to have his hands on the nurses. To an observer, it seemed that he was very friendly. But I knew differently.
The key point you said was no one wants to hear about it and we are here just dealing with. On our own it’s very sad.
If you can find a faithful friend... I once developed a friendship with a woman. I told her about my childhood abuse. Soon after that, she became very controlling and the friendship ended. I was sorry that I told her. Really sorry! Counselors are safe
I came across your video today and It brought me some comfort. I'm remembering sexual abuse from somebody who I never thought abused me. I now remember he did. Thank you for sharing your story. You helped me so much! 🤗
Hello. I didn’t see your story until now. There are other podcasts: after episodes 45,61,73,101,102, and 103. It’s a shame and a grievous sin that those ,who are privileged to be a part of a child’s life, harm that innocent child. They take the precious gift of that’s child’s trust and abuse it. I am so happy to hear that you are experiencing healing and hopefully, forgiveness.
I started therapy about a year ago, and through the process, I remembered that I was molested by a man whom I used to play with when I was about 6 or 7. I’m a 45 year old man now, but had substance abuse issues throughout my teens (started drinking alcohol when I was 11, heroin when I was 12…), so a lot of older memories had been dulled, and I went on trying to fix my dysfunctional life. I would work hard to get opportunities and self sabotage, due to anxiety and depression, low self worth etc. besides being molested, I have had other significant traumas throughout my youth, and I’m certainly these played a role in my often dysfunctional ability to cope with life, which was often dismissed by adults as me being “lazy”.
I have read comments from some people who have suffered sexual assault, who have said that when you experience something like that, it’s crystal clear and you don’t forget, and the repressed memories isn’t really a thing, which has made me second guess myself, and think I’m crazy. It’s hurtful to hear such things, because I feel like my pain is dismissed.
I doubt that many have crystal clear memories. Proceed with confidence in your God given strength and who you are! You are getting stronger and more sure of yourself every day. You are a survivor! You will no longer call yourself victim but a victor! Advance into your future. Ask God what His plans are for you: I know they are good! Romans 8:28
I validate you!
Thank you for sharing your experiences. This could help a lot of people and I hope making it helped you.
Thank you, Claire. It’s earth shattering how common sexual abuse is.
Thank you for doing this video. I was really confused as to whether this was a real thing and now I see others also experience this. I recently had a repressed memory re-surface which was associated with an uncle. I think this happened because it was in a room at my home and when my house was under construction it just came back to me. The worst thing is that my family thought that he was taking care of me and it hurts that I didn't know what he was doing to me as I was 6-7 around that time. I really appreciate the help you are giving to others and myself, thank you once again.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. They taught kids so much about stranger danger and yet most offenders are relatives or friends of the family. Please read what I wrote last night to Tim Kiblen
@@catherinekirby1457 I've read what you've wrote and really appreciate that you always reach out to all of us! Its great to finally tell someone about what I've been through as my culture don't normally discuss personal issues like this. I'm 17 now and feel relieved that someone has listened to me. I cannot thank you enough for the support and will pray for you as you've given me the courage to speak out about this.
@@nbs5288 , oh darling girl, you are God’s princess. Always hold your head high unless it is bowed in prayer. If you need me, here’s my email: creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
You are amazing for coming forward and posting this story. A few years back I was wrestling with my male friends and 1 of them pinned me down and I just had the horrible reaction and I head butted him to get him off of me and broke his nose. I didn't understand why I freaked out but a huge trigger for me is being overpowered physically. I think I may have been sexually assault as a child in Africa. One of my older cousins was actually just arrested over there for SA and maybe he did it to me also. I hope I can remember 1 day so I can move forward.
These memories come back in a second in time when you least expect it. Don’t stress over it. You can’t make it happen, but be aware of triggers that make you feel uncomfortable or cause you to over react. There’s a reason. I thought that I was was past being hurt by my past and recently I sobbed when it came to mind. And unexpectedly, this man’s ( “the man”) niece was introduced to me recently and loved it. Like, “What a small world! We’re related! How amazing!” As for me, I was shriveling inside, wondering if she too was a victim.
Thank you so much Dr. Catherine!
You are so welcome.
I also have podcasts after #45,61,73 and 101,102, and 103 on this topic.
@@catherinekirby1457 I subscribed to your channel, you are amazing love xo
@@Angell_Lee , thanks so much!
I am 50 and started getting flashbacks from the age of 28.It has haunted me all my life.Please pray for me I want to know the truth.Nobody wanted to hear it either.
I will pray for you, Belle. We need the truth or we become emotionally paralyed, like ice sculptures. God doesn’t intend for us to stop growing and become stunted.
It is a answer to prayer I will keep praying.I am so busy my youngest son is autistic so he needs alot of care which I love to give him but I want to be whole,I want to remember ,I have hardly any childhood memories,my sister told me a few things,my father was a alcoholic and I know he did things to me but I can’t remember clearly.I don’t drink at all but I want to be free and experience joy and be a loving wife.It’s hard and I want to be free in Christ to be who God created me to be.
@@paulnagel5846 , call you email me: creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
Thank you so much
I’ll be praying for you for peace!
Thanks so much for sharing. Very brave. I have found a few triggers for myself that revealed a half formed memory. I have recovered them now and I am in the middle of sorting everything out. Thanks again
How did u recover them?
@@Madiitetr
This is what worked for me.
I believe in God and I am in therapy doing parts work.
So in prayer I asked God for guidance and love, then I picked up the memory where I knew something had happened. I followed the memory with my younger self that experienced the trauma and with God. This part was very hard because there was a lot of shame, fear, panic, and more shame. I did this outside of therapy partly because I don’t like showing emotions. I cried a lot and the past memory was ugly and scary. But I had God and I would take breaks and ask for hugs from God. I would reach a blocked off area and have to ask why? What was the purpose and why would a memory just stop? Because your brain is protecting you from trauma. For me the blocked memory was represented by a door. I would ask myself why would it stop here? I placed my hand on the door and reasoned out with God why it was there. The door would open and there was more to the memory. It didn’t come flooding back but trickles in and I felt like I was walking through a soupy fog. I spent 3 days digging up memories. Not much fun but for me it was worth it.
Now if you aren’t religious I believe you could do this with a therapist or maybe a really really close friend.
Do not go into this thinking it is an easy thing to face. It is hard and ugly. I guarantee there will be crying and some rage. When I started this I knew it was going to be hard but I had no idea how hard. But if you need answers it really helps.
I also talked through the whole thing, I recorded to my phone as I walked through the memories.
Some memories will pounce on you and others you have to break out a backhoe to find.
Sorry this turned into a small Ted talk 🤣
It is hard but now that I am on the other side of it I am glad I did it. If you have more questions I would love to answer them. Again this is what worked for me.
Some people do EDMR, some try hypnosis. I don’t believe there is a wrong way and if you can and do have a very close friend or family member for support that will help so much.
Good luck 🍀
Thank you so much for this video
Thank you !
you are so kind , you are a blessnig to this planet
Diane, thank you. Just know that you are greatly loved by God!
Thank you
You are so welcome!
God Bless you!
Thank you, Mary!
Watching these videos and reading the comments is blowing my mind. I've always wondered why I can remember thinking about sex and being sexual when I was way too young to know about those things. I've always thought that I was just a weird kid. A certain situation recently triggered a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I've started remembering things very vividly. I can't remember any actual abuse though. I'm struggling trying to figure out if anything actually happened to me. I've never had any clear memories from my childhood and certain ones are coming back. I'm afraid of remembering being abused but the not knowing is driving me crazy. I have all these feelings and shame that I don't understand and I don't know what to do with it.
I understand. I do. When you go out into the world each day, you feel different. You’re not the same. A memory, a flash of a memory, changed all that went before. And yes - the shame! It sticks to you like a shadow. You can’t run away from it; it’s always there! Shame...blame...what’s the household name? It spells confusion. It steals your peace; robs you of joy and laughter. You’re in a group of people who are laughing and you are there but you’re not. The groups laughs in unison like a song with different pitches but your mouth won’t relax. You are sad, so sad...in your own confused world. And alone...but never forget that God is real. He is alive! He is everything you need; just surrender and believe. He will be your help! Read His word; it will speak to you in a way you didn’t think was possible. You will not walk alone anymore. He will bring people into your life that will help you. He will show you which ones to let go of. He will put you on a new path. He will make all things new! His word is filled with beautiful promises to you.
Thank you for responding! I didn't expect a response. Thank you so much for caring and taking the time to respond. Thank you. You're words are so comforting. I am trying to trust in god. I'm not religious but I know God is real. I've seen devine intervention in my own life. I'm hoping for it again. I need God, especially if I ever have any clear memories of abuse. Thank you again, you are doing God's work.
I finally figured some things out. I started doing self hypnosis videos and during one, I had a flash of a family friend rescuing me and my siblings from a strange place. I called her and she confirmed that when I was five, my brother was nine and my sister was thirteen, my mom left us at a drug house. She left us there for three days, my brother escaped and called my mom's friend Suzie from a gas station. He told her that the people at this house were going to sell me and showed her where the house was. I remembered sitting on the floor with my sister, looking up and seeing Suzie walk through the door and say "these kids are coming with me". When I called her she confirmed that was exactly what she said, so I know I'm remembering real things. My brother, sister and I think that my mom took money from these people to go get drugs and left us there as collateral and then never came back with the drugs. Eventually they started talking about selling me to get there money back and that's when my brother escaped. He said he remembers them drugging my older sister and took her into another room, my brother tried to protect me but they hit him, picked me up and took me to the room. I have flashes of what happened in that room, they raped my sister in front of me. I can remember them making me open my mouth but I can't remember anything else. This is so much to process and I needed to get it off my chest. Even if you don't read this, it helps me to get it off my chest. Thank you for listening.
Thank you .
YOU are so welcome.
thank you so much for this video. you helped me a lot❤️
Thank you! That is why I made the video. God bless you!
8 years ago, I had a horrific nightmare that my father was raping me. It was vivid and horrific that I woke up screaming. I asked my two older sisters and they both said no way. We had a rough childhood, with violence and neglect but they were sure it was nothing sexual. I was going through a divorce at the time and put it down to that. But after that my sister just 3 years older than me died and I remembered how she was very sexually precocious when we were little. I talked to my two older sisters again, but they again said, no way. I forgot about it until last night, when I had a similar dream again - not as horrific. This time, I kind of knew and I helped cover it up for him -like I went out of my way not to embarrass him in the dream. He is long dead and I am 68. Any comments would be helpful. Thank you.
Read the book, A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley. It is a fictional work but it will speak to you. It will not be threatening because you are reading about characters but it will influence you. When we are safe, that’s when truth becomes out.
Please let me know. My email is creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
Also, start journalling.
This is a vey emotional video because the same thing happened to me and this helped to reassure me
Thanks Hazel. misery needs company. We need that support. What is worse- not knowing what happened or knowing what happened?! But knowing that there are other people who won’t blame you but will believe you is so important.
One has absolutely no control when something will trigger a memory but, your response to it (is what we need to work on)
Please believe me I know it can be easier said than done.
Thank you for the video.
Thanks for your reply. I forgot to reply back. Your words are golden. Just as that first memory intrudes abruptly into our life, we cannot try to trigger more memories. We cannot force them into our consciousness.
Again, your advice is golden! Our reaction is what we must focus on until we are “responding”, not reacting. It doesn’t happen overnight and it’s a journey through a dark forest of threatening thoughts. The key is : Don’t stay there! Keep moving! Ahead, there is light and hope and God’s healing
I've always wondered if something happened to me as a child, I was hypersexual at a young age, would say innapropriate things to my family members, wrote some really insanely awful stories about r*pe in my diary, when i don't even think i had a solid grasp on what sex was. I have no idea how to approach this. My gut has told me for years that something bad happened that my brain has blocked out. Ive had mental health issues for most of my life, sexual dysfunction too, i'm pretty much asexual. Idk I want to understand the gaps in my memory, my childhood is a complete blur but I've always attributed that to my mum being mentally and physically abusive (not in a sa way just like hitting) i don't know i've been scouring the internet looking for some sort of explanation.
Your body and instincts aren’t wrong. Trust them! All it takes is one trigger to bring back the truth. A few weeks ago, we drove to a farm to buy eggs. There was a small outdoor building with a dirt floor. In that second, I was getting sodomized!
When you least expect it, memories show you the truth. I am here for you! Reach out to Jesus; He knows you from before conception. He will be your guide and your strength. He will comfort you ( comfort means to make you brave).
Gratitude 💜🖤✨
Recently I had a series of trauma happening to me. From a fire incident, to practically loosing my room, getting my abandoned issue bejng triggered harshly, and fear of disappointing the people around me. It was so bad that I dissociated a lot, like an out body experience, then constant anxiety, random panick attacks, difficulty in sleeping, nightmares, and severe suicidal thoughts.
Then somewhere along the line after about 2 months, while i was reflecting about myself and my past, i suddenly remembered what my cousin said about how she caught my other cousin that was about to sexually assault me. I remembered when she told me that I had no memories of it at all. I didnt try to ask her questions too and brushed it off because I felt uncomfortable since we were surrounded by my other cousins and my brother. The cousin that supposedly about to do something bad werent there but still.
Recently, whenever i think about it i think about it, the more i feel more uncomfortable. Because i think something did happen, i just dont remember. Then while I was recalling my sexual experiences, which isnt a lot, I remember when my partner did a certain sexual act which was my first and I felt uncomfortable. It didnt feel new. It felt like i had known that feeling. Even during the act, i kept trying on remembering where I knew that feeling, but i just thought that maybe it was when i had done it myself.
But it also makes a lot of sense as to why i behaved the way i did growing up. I always felt scared, and super uncomfortable if my legs where touched. I thought it was because of a dream i had but, what if i had that nightmare because of what happened? Once my friend touched me and i got incredibly scared . I think he even asked me if i was ever SA’d but since I didnt know, I just said no. Another thing is the fact that i always felt like i need to hide myself and my body. I was always on guard. I was afraid of how other people looked at me. My mom also taught me how ovulation works and all, how to defend myself, when i was below 10. I didnt understand why she kept telling me those things but I just listened.
Then today i was trying to remember again, but i couldnt. My body refused to. I ended up dissociating again and felt anxious for the rest of the day. It’s incredibly cold right now but im sweating.
I think, the more i recall and put the pieces together, the more i feel like i was sexually assaulted by that cousin. It also makes sense why i thought that same sex relationship was normal (well now i do think it is normal) even though I was brought up in an incredibly traditional household and culture.
I hear every word and I validate you! You are heard, you are loved! Your experiences connect with each one of us. Although we were victims, our bodies register shame and feelings of confusion, depression and worthlessness. You cannot force remembering. Start journaling. Ask God for His help. I am here for you!
I was lucky to have support when I experienced my flashback of being molested. The first time I saw my father after the flashback, I threw up. One year later, I told 2 siblings in a therapy session and they disowned me. My whole family closed ranks and rallied around my father, the perpetrator. No one believed me even though he exposed his naked genitals to my 9 year old friends of mine several times. he had impregnated a teenager when he was in his forties. He tried to have sex with a 17 year old girlfriend of my brother in his 50's. My father sexualized me until I was thrown out. He came to my house until he had a stroke to try to watch porno with me. John Updike, the author, wrote a book about his sexual addiction called "The Witches of Eastwick." He was played by Jack Nicolson as Satan. Everyone who ever knew him knew he was a pervert. Families do not want to acknowledge the truth. I have not seen anyone in my family in 20 years, except a few abusive encounters with 2 sisters. They still scapegoat me for all of the family's ills.
Thanks for posting
I experienced some very overwhelming emotions of terror..... a few days later I started having flashbacks to childhood..... 45 years ago!
I feel like I’m loosing it........and don’t understand this...
This helps confirm
Scott, that’s how I felt! I would drive around and not even know where I was. Even at home, I felt lost and terrified! That day I saw my husband zip up his pants, I felt terror! Where did this come from? What happened to me? Why now?
Trust me- it’s a whirlwind of disorganization, like being in a centrifuge but it will get better. Find some safety zones that are calming.
@@catherinekirby1457
Thanks Catherine
Scott. I’m praying for you. How’s it going? I tried your channel but all the videos are unavailable to the public
@@catherinekirby1457
Hi Catherine
That means so much
I just want you to know that your video is keeping me sane throughout this.
That experienced terror that came out of no where is very debilitating...
You think you are loosing your mind..
If the visual flashbacks were not there prior and post to this feeling..... I would be lost. Which makes me think how many people with diagnosed psyche issues are simply experiencing ptsd.
I’m leaning toward a very high percentage.....if not all.
Apparently early and even pre verbal trauma is very confusing and detrimental.
Oh, I don’t have anything listed on my channel.
I hope you are well as well.
How is your journey?
Take care abs God bless you
Scott
@@persevere6326 , as far as my journey, I’m headed to glory land! God is amazing. If you have not read the Scriptures, I think you would be surprised.
When memory of a trauma surfaces, smells are often first. The distinctive smell of my grandfathers garage was so real. If I wanted to, I could not conjure up that odor. I felt knocked off my axis, yet I still had to work and go through a “normal “ day”.
When you figure out who violated you, a technique that can be helpful is to replay the trauma but rewrite it. You are able to fight off the villain are safe.
Even so, you are forever changed. You’re a survivor. On a deep level, you would be able to help someone who has gone through a similar experience.
I feel like I might have repressed memories but I’m not sure. I’m very scared of being sexually assaulted when I go places and I’m also scared of being alone with men and when I visit places from my childhood I get hypervigilant for no apparent reason. I also used to have constant dreams of being chased by a rapist but they stopped some time ago and at a very young age I was curious about sex before I was sure it even was a thing. I have no idea what could have caused all this since I don’t remember being sexually abused at all. How can I figure out if I really do have repressed memories or if I’m just making stuff up?
Omg exactly same happens to me except that dream part, but I have a memory of someone grabbing my neck, that's it I don't remember who he was I wanna know
@Maria , Thank you so much for your advice 💗
OMG same, did u figure something out?
My abuser after I was abused by someone else, would always tell me no one will Believe me, you can't prove molestation, your a liar, your crazy, your the girl who cried wolf because you can't prove it.
Something traumatic had happened with the first abuser, and it all came back and it made complete sense as to why he'd always tell me those things, because he did it to me first and he wanted me to forget but I didn't .
He turned my whole family against me and has everyone to believe that I am crazy, the smallest things can bring up memories for.me, and to my family they don't believe it, they don't Believe in repressed memories they just don't understand I can't remember everything at once, and because I can't remember everything at once I am the crazy one who makes up memories.
Thank you for sharing, I'm really going through it , still processing and I know there's more to my abuse I'm just hoping they don't avalanche on me all at once 😢😢❤ but thank you for sharing!
I am with you. I understand. I have been ridiculed and told I was crazy. Just keep moving forward and let your accusers fade into the background.
Memories come in pieces. I just had a horrible flashback, the worst, triggered by a certain place I visited. I am glad that the worst memory came now because it can’t hurt me anymore; it’s like water flowing under a bridge.
Im 29 years old but when I was a little girl I use to have my barbie dolls perform oral sex on each other..till this day I feel disgusted in myself I don't know I did this so often...I also started wetting my bed when I was 4 all the way to 7..my mom told me my older cousin use to play with me and my sister in my grandmas room he would close the door and even locked the door..now I feel tense when I'm in a closed room especially with men and even my own dad..I feel weird around my dad at times like I have to protect myself. But I do love my dad just these uneasy feelings are killing me
I will pray for you! You must have a lot of questions. One thing that I do know is Jesus is the answer. In Him is peace and rest. He knows when you are ready for “the bad and the ugly.” I think of the good shepherd cuddling a sweet little lamb close to his heart. You are that sweet little lamb! He is carrying you until you are ready.
I have been learning more about repressed memories. These memories, like a movie, are stored in different parts of our brain. Smell is stored in an area of the brain that deals with emotion. That was an aha! Moment for me! The first memory ( not an emotion from a trigger) for me was the smell of my grandpa’s garage. I sought my sisters memories instead of trusting to help me.
Please stay in touch!
@@catherinekirby1457 thankyou so much for replying! God bless you 🙏❤ I'm so thankful to have found your video I don't feel so alone. Your smile is so genuine its rare to see in this world sadly.. will definitely subscribe I am very interested in your videos 😊
@@xoxobutterfly , we’re sisters in our hearts. I’ll be bringing your name to God’s throne often, and my. Oh my, does He love you!!!
@@catherinekirby1457 awwwww your going to make me cry happy tears of course ☺🥰
@@xoxobutterfly , we went to church today for prayer meeting and Gods love for you overwhelmed me and tears flowed down my face. No matter how bad life gets, God promises to bring good out of it, to flow His blessings upon us.
Im in a hazy world of fragments of a memory that I know something happened but not exactly sure what
Be patient. You can force it. If you feel anxious, take slow deep breaths. Write down your fears and thoughts so that you don’t go to bed with them. Stay in touch. I’m praying for you, Angela.
I meant you can’t force it.
That’s so true about how nobody wants to hear about it. I lost my friend who I was her maid of
Honor for at her wedding because I was trauma dumping my SA too.
It’s really sad, isn’t it? Yet the most unsuspecting people, who aren’t even friends, will appear in your life and be supportive. Even if it’s just one person, it’s worthy of praise. I’m here for you!
@@catherinekirby1457 thank you Catherine! This means so much
I am afraid of the answers...I was triggered by trying to change the diaper of a child I was babysitting...he was struggling against me...I started hyper ventilating and had to lay down on the floor
Thank you so much dr. Kirby. I think I may have been sexually abused and this was very encouraging
Thank you, Zach. There are other videos, too! I’m sorry that I sandwiched them between my knitting podcasts. They are after podcast 23, after podcast 24:; after podcast 27, after 102, there are two videos. There are also 2 on depression, after podcast 89. Eventually, your memories will surface and just remember, it’s a relief! Don’t fear! Although it is traumatic and very upsetting, it’s the first step in the journey towards healing. I am here for you anytime!
I'm a man, but I understand that sensation of remembering something terrible happened, and not being able to retrieve it, until something triggers that memory.
I just recently had a flashback of my uncle grooming me when I was little, the only thing I remember is him caressing my belly in an inappropriate way.
And I'm very conflicted, because he was a man I help in high regard.
Also, he's dead now, and my father too. Now I remember my sister telling me our father touched her, but he's dead as well, and our mother doesn't give a hoot about it
I guess my family was screwed up from the start.
We are all screwed up without redemption from God. My message is for men, too! I’m sorry for your pain! You will get through this! It’s awful that family does unspeakable things to their children. It’s very difficult as an adult to remember someone that we thought loved us was a villain.
I’m here for you! So is God!
@@catherinekirby1457 Thank you. The reason I'm so conflicted is that he genuinely cared for us, my siblings and I, in the sense that he was the only one who put and ounce of effort to help us out somehow. I think he was a man who wanted to be good, but had a nasty demon attached to his back.
Or perhaps I'm just trying to justify it because I'm in shock.
I need help. I'm 15 and I recently had a strange thing happen. It was triggered when I asked if I was sexually abused. It felt so familiar yet so intense. It felt like a memory that I didn't remember. It's fragmented. I felt disgusting, I felt ashamed. I felt so angry and so betrayed. It was strange. I've never gotten a thing like this before. Now sometimes I can physically feel it. But I feel like I'm tricking myself into believing i was and that my body is making me feel things that aren't real. It hurts. Is it possible I'm remembering something. Or am i faking? I need to know because I don't think I can handle this anymore. I can't even remember how old I was. When it was. It sucks. I have Noone the moment
I just found my journal from 15 years ago when fragments of memories came back. I wrote, I’m holding pieces of a dirty defiled garment. “ I wanted to stop the world and get off, but where would I go? I feel for you. It’s like walking through the valley of death (Psalm 23); you had to go on a journey you didn’t chose and yet, there’s no way out but through it. Please know that God is with you. He loves you! And know that many walked the same path and made it to the light! You will too! You think you won’t, but one day at a time.
I’m here for you: creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
Check out my other videos
@@catherinekirby1457 thank you. Im trying my hardest to work things out. Denial has been eating me up but I'm trying to deny the denial. I know one day I will make it out, but the scariest part is how far it is, how hard and long it will take to get to that light. But I am willing to get through it all to get to that light. I wish I never remembered but I guess I had to sometime.
My husband was molested and been through a lot of Very horrible things and you know he’s my husband and he said I notice you have a scar down there he said I know that’s not normal it’s from young and I was telling him that’s crazy like it could have been you know from having intercourse but sometimes I go to places and feel like I’m being touched or when I’m with my child sometimes and he’s crying because kids get upset and when he gets really upset somethings I get anxiety like when I change his diaper and everyone is saying I’m causing probalem because for some reason my sister has been making me feel some way
@@gwendolynodell4581 , life can be very hard! Please call out to God for help. He loves to comfort us and give us peace. Read the Bible. Casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you. I Peter 5:7
Yeah I recalled mine completely out of nowhere. Never even considered it before. Wasn't thinking about it at all. Ever since then I'll have random memories bubble up to the sueface.
Thanks how it begins- out of nowhere.
There’s a picture of myself when I was little n when I look at it I feel sad and scared n sick to my stomach. N the guy who I think did it. I feel very uncomfortable around him n he gets very overly excited when he sees me.
Make sure you are never alone with him. Don’t let him sense your fear.
My cousin had a baby two years ago and seeing my uncle babysit her is bringing very unsettling feelings for me. My mom stopped letting him babysit me when I was young. And he has so many red flags. I don’t know what to do. I can’t remember much of my childhood but he scares me. And I don’t want the same outcome for my cousin’s daughter. He posts creepy weird things on instagram all the time too. I don’t know what to do because I don’t have any solid evidence or recollection. I just know he’s not safe
Trust your feelings. Advocate for your cousin’s child. Speak to your cousin.
I have had dreams of being sexually abused but don't remember any actual incident, don't think I want to know.
Hi Daniel. Nobody wants to know, but once I knew for sure that someone had abused me, I wanted to know but was afraid that it might have been someone that I loved dearly. Give it time; write down your dreams if you remember them. Ask God for His help; to be right beside you on this journey; to be your strength and your guide. He is so amazing and loves you more than you can comprehend!
I'm having lots of memories resurfacing now that I'm older and getting into relationships. I'm getting lots of memories involving my brother but I don't feel like it's right because I feel like I know he would never do something like that to me, and I know if I were to tell my parents they wouldn't believe me and would get angry with me. I can remember vividly one instance of him touching me but the situation was something he could say he didn't mean in that way. I remember waking up as a young child with my shirt lifted or my bottoms down, but I put this up to moving a lot in my sleep. There were many times when he photographed me or touched me strangely but it wasn't inherently sexual, like how once he photographed me with my mouth open as well as the inside of my throat and also my feet. I told my mother because I thought at the time i though it was funny but to this day I can remember her tone of voice when she told me I wasn't allowed in his bedroom anymore. I'm terrified to reach out for help and I don't know who to turn to because it's possible I'm remembering incorrectly and I never want to accuse my brother of something of that nature. I've started keeping a journal to write everything I remember in recently but so much of it feels off and wrong
How old are you?
@@catherinekirby1457 15 now
I’m only 13 and I can’t remember what happened on a specific night when my dad broke into my room, I remember a few pieces but everything else is empty. I’ve been to a psychiatrist because I was showing severe anxiety, depression, and my mom believes my gastritis is caused by my stress. I myself don’t want to doubt my father but I’m having a difficult time and I don’t know the cause. I feel like so many things match up when sexual abuse victims talk about their experience and symptoms after going through that. I’m scared to tell any of my family members because what if it turns out nothing happened?
Aw, Nikki. It’s so scary and uncertain of others peoples’s reactions when we’re not sure of what happened. Please, confide in your Mom. And then, give her time. Don’t go by her initial reaction. You need a counselor. Please, talk to God,too. He loves you so much.
This is exactly what I’m going through :/
@@hfisjfhjdjfjnd i am experiencing something similar, how are you feeling ? i hope you are doing well ♡
I remember in 2012 I would just wail and wail idk why, but it worried me why i couldn't stop crying. I just cried nad cried and cried. i feel lately like i can't cry even when I want to. :/
Same story here. Although I still can’t get the pieces. My family won’t talk to me. It’s tough.
People avoid this topic like the plaque. Let your journal be your best friend or look for a support group. You are not alone!
@@catherinekirby1457 thank you, and thanks for your video. You are helping a lot of people.
@@Wrxgirl2021 , you will get through this. one day, you will move through this, beyond this.
I had really horrible abuse when I was as child and don’t remember anything at all from my child hood I just remember neglect and trying to survive. It’s causing issues in my future relationships and i have a feeling I’ve as sexually abused but can’t remember anything, it’s extremely frustrating
Would you like to talk?
When you are ready it will surface. Your body knows. You know. Be kind to yourself.
I had a feeling that triggered a memory. It was " I'm trying to help you, why are you yelling at me" and the memory of me pulling my pajama pants down so that I wouldn't be woken up when "he" pulled them down. I was definitely physically abused, but I'm not sure about this. It would be molestation, probably not rape at least.
Once a memory comes out, it’s unsettling. you want to know and yet you don’t want to know. I’m here if you need help. Draw closer to God because he will go on this journey with you and he will strengthen you.
I was kidnapped and assaulted when I was a late teen, and I blocked out part of it that I remembered later.
I am 68 years old and a male and always had inklings of sexual abuse. I was abused in other ways and had two hospitalizations for suicide ideation. One evening recently I watched a clip from an old All in the Family episode where she -Gloria had been sexually abused and the tears started flowing and went on for quite sometime. Now I am having memories of my mom disrobing in front of me as a child and once completely when I was 10 years old. The sexual innuendo was thick in my growing up years. Anyway being male and older like me is kind of awkward as it seems more females are victims. But it seems I am grieving now. Just thought I would throw that out there.
Oh I think there are many males who were abused! This isn’t a female issue. My heart goes out to you! Many people think that being ignorant, and being in the darkness is better, but I believe that once your memory brings these things out into the light, it is the beginning of healing. Please know that God suffered with you when these things happened to you. This is a very fallen world, and there is a lot of evil. Please don’t think that God doesn’t care about you and doesn’t love you deeply. You are very precious to Him. Let Him be your Lord and He will make all things new!
🥺🥺😭 sorry this happened to you
Thank you! You learn that the past has no power over you unless you let it
@@catherinekirby1457 aww love your amazing 💕🥺
One of the most difficult things for me is not necessarily invalidation from friends or family, but the fact that the possibility of repressed memories is invalidated even in the scientific community. I typed in 'Repressed Memory Therapy' to see if there is some sort of option out there, and a slew of results say things like, 'The Persistent Myth Of Repressed Memories,' and, 'The Persistent and Problematic Claims of Long-Forgotten Trauma,' and, 'Repressed memory is a controversial, and largely scientifically discredited, claim . . .' Etc. How do you feel about that? How should a person who suspects they're suppressing memories of trauma take all of that?
Listen to yourself, not the articles. Your body, mind and spirit know.
Welcome to the world of modern science, where the vast majority of truth is censored and gaslit. Brave search engine will give you more honest results
You’ll soon learn that the Internet sensored to paint a certain narrative. This country benefits off of people being sick. So when I research, I go to the comments as well as watching videos of peoples personal experiences such as this one. I have healed 3 diseases with this method! Blessings and the doc is right.. it’s all about your own experience as well.
I’m grateful that most people I’ve told are good and get it but It is very lonely cuz there r some ppl who get so uncomfortable n that pains me more, making other ppl uncomfortable bc of it idk y but I feel bad for making them feel uncomfortable. I want to talk to someone who truly gets it or even journal. Idk I want it out of me I want to innerstand it. I want to stop feeling this way.
Healing comes. There is hope! Keep working through it. Journalling is very revealing. It gets all our emotions out in the open. Not everyone that you hope will understand and be part of your healing, will be. Forget the people that aren’t helpful. Or sometimes, they come back to you later and apologize for their reaction. Gravitate towards those who are helpful.
@@catherinekirby1457 thank you 💚 ur video helped me a lot more than other ones I watched. I’m glad it was recommended to me
@@Madiitetr thanks, Madison. one day, you will look back upon this painful time and be thankful that God brought good things out of it, that you are whole and healed, and you understand how to be strong in adversity, that you will have a tender ear towards those who need to be understood.
@@catherinekirby1457 truth is I’m thankful even now. Good has come alrdy, like U for instance, and every person who’s shared their story n helped others like me feel less alone.
@@Madiitetr , Amen!
Every time I do stuff with my boyfriend I cry and break down. I am flooded with guilt when it’s over and I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t recollect any experiences with sexual abuse in my childhood. I have no idea why I react that way and am scared to ever find out.
Finding out might be painful but it frees you to heal and be whole. Why don’t you start journaling? Let me know how you are doing
I am experiencing the same exact thing and have been for about a year now. I don’t Remeber my experiences specifically yet but have ideas of who it may have been, every time I try to get intimate with my boyfriend I cry and clam up it feels like I’m numb and I hate it so much. I’m here if you want to talk 💜 really comforting to know I am not alone
@@Erica-oj5ox sending love your way 💜 going through a similar situation
My family suffered from domestic violence. I remember having dreams of things that he did to my sisters and thought it was my mind making it up until my sister actually confirmed it. Or fights that happened between my parents and I only tempered the start of it and the end of it. There are years of my childhood I don’t remember. And I think I show signs of being sexually abused but I don’t remember it. I do know that my father used to touch my breast and pretend he wanted to give me a back scratch. But I. Always thought that was minor and I shouldn’t feel sad about it because other people have gone through worse.
Oh Courtney, just because others have gone through worse doesn’t make it worth less. Trauma produces “Swiss cheese memories” - Swiss cheese has many holes. Don’t think it strange that you can’t remember your childhood. But now, it’s time. Your body is leading the way. God is with you; cling to Him. Memories will come back; it’s scary but it is necessary for healing and wholeness. I am here for you! I will be praying for you!
I recommend doing voice memos if journaling isn’t for you
Great idea!
Do you think if I have a respressed memory of sexual abuse but I can't seem to remember exactly what happened just the feeling of being disgusted with my body when I come out of the shower to the point that I feel sick and want to cry or when I'm intimate with my husband I want to cry. If I can't remember it is it still possible to let it go?
Yes, you can heal! Please ask God to help you- pray straight from your heart. The Courage to Heal workbook brought out my repressed memory. Start journally- daily. I am here for you.
creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
I was sexually abused by my biological father for a few years when I was a child. Recently, I turned 18 years old, I recalled some of my memories but it's still not clear, it makes me sick in the stomach and I feel extremely depressed all the time. I'm currently working with a therapist. I want to confront him in court. Does anyone know how long it might take to get justice and he will be in jail. I don't know much about the laws of my country and I don't want to approach people I know in my life to ask them about this. Even my mother doesn't want me to go to court as I will be wasting time to go to university abroad because I won't be able to leave the country.
Each justice system is different, so I can’t answer that. I’m sorry that this happened to you. I’m glad that you are working with a therapist.
@@catherinekirby1457 thank you Catherine for your reply. I hope that at the end I will get justice.
Hi! When I was about 5-6 years old, I used to pretend my barbie dolls were touching eachother and would also be touched or innapropriately touch my closest friend at the time. I also remember asking her if she wanted to have sex one time (at that age I didn't know what it was). I am still ashamed I/we did those things but now that I am older (15) I wonder where I could have learned it from. I was not exposed to any explicit films, books or TV shows and my parents were divorced so I could not have picked up anything from them. I also used to struggle with intense nightmares and slept in my dads bed until 8 and my mom's until 11, even going so far as to wet my bed just to sleep with them (the wetting stopped at 6). I bathed with my dad (naked, he would wear shorts) until the age of about 7. I remember he would also smack, or pat my butt until I was about 12 and he still does it sometimes. This made me very uncomfortable and I do recall one situation where he held me to the bed and started kissing my chin in the way you would give a hickey and it hurt. In addition to this, I also tried to innapropriately kiss my mother at 6 but this could have been learnt from a Disney movie. The other day, I was talking to my dad (to give context, my parents have a restraining order against my grandparents) and he said that one of the reasons was because they had accused him of molesting me and that he'd almost gone to prison. One thing that stood out to me was that the child protections services had asked to do checks on me for signs of sexual abuse but he'd refused. Ever since then, I have been quite emotional, had irritability, intense anxiety and have been feeling as if something did happen but I cannot remember it, no matter how hard I try. (I have always been anxious and started skin picking at the age of 5) It is incredibly frustrating to me as I want to know if something happened. I do also remember my grandfather being abusive towards me like forcing me to eat soap and looking into the mirror to watch myself cry as punishment. He also abused my mom as a child, but I do not have much memory of being around him. I used to go there as a child, before the restraining order was inforced and my grandmother and him would look after me, I am not sure if we were ever left alone. I wonder if he could also have been a possible perpetrator but I do not have enough memory of the time spent with him to know or not. Please help, I feel very scared because I don't know if something happened to me or not and it is causing me deep frustration.
You are dealing with a lot. Is there a counselor you can see? You are right : children should not know about sex. Please start journaling. You cannot force memories to reveal themselves. I would be happy to talk with you but you should still find a counselor. You can email me: creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
@@catherinekirby1457 hi I'm sorry to reply so late, I did not get the notification from your response. I do not have a councilor. Today I was talking to my mother and she said that my grandfather had molested her at a young age and remembered commenting on this video saying that I felt like it'd happened to me before. I am now wondering if I was right and if it was infact my grandfather. I am trying to remember if we were ever alone together or if he was ever innapropriate, but still very blury.
@@kylie-rosenelson6961 , don’t try to force memories to the surface. Work on being a whole person, grounded in faith. If God is your anchor and your strength, when the memories come back to you, you will not fall apart.
@@catherinekirby1457 Thank you very much for the encouragement 🙏 Greatly appreciated
wow i relate to almost the first half of your comment, and we are the same age. i hope you’re doing okay
I have flashbacks of images that i was with my father in bed and he used to tickling my belly then goes down and touches my genatalia as part of joke or a play, i dont know why im having these flashbacks but the whole picture is not clear , there are other 2 flashbacks but as this one, is this considered abuse? My father was irresponsible narcistic man, i had experienced emotional and verbal abuse as well.
When I got puberty, I was really uncomfortable near every man even my relatives then I remembered I used to feel same at some point in my childhood, it's a very weird feeling, I have a picture of someone I knew grabbing my neck at a fam function but now I don't remember who was that, i wanna know who was that and wt happened I literally get suspicious about every man lol😣
I heard you loud and clear. The Courage to Heal Workbook triggered my memories. We have a drive to know who hurt us and there’s no peace in our hearts until we find the truth. Every man we know is a suspect. Start journalling. You might be surprised what comes out on paper.
i had an extremely strange dream last night, that when i was awake & remembered my dream seemed to trigger memories i had never remembered before, i confided in a family member i trust who is my age, & they started to experience similar memories, i am shocked & confused & i have no idea what we should do, we are currently minors, however these memories are from about 6+ years ago, we have no evidence other than foggy memories & extreme dread & fear towards the family member, it would be our word against theirs, i am at a loss as to what to do or if we should do anything at all, any advice would be much appreciated, thank you so much for this video ♥️
Thank you for sharing,Rochelle. You can’t accuse someone without facts. I do believe that, once memories begin to surface, it’s just the beginning. The worst part is not knowing. I really feel for you. Trust your fear. That’s the first emotion that I experienced when I saw my husband zipping up his pants. I have no reason to fear my husband, yet I felt heart- stopping fear. I knew, without question, that something bad happened to me, something sexual, involving a man. I knew it happened when I was a child. I didn’t doubt any of those things. But that was just the beginning. Be patient. It’s difficult. Please, don’t leave your Heavenly Father out of this. Talk to Him. He loves you. Ask for His help. It’s a blessing that there is another family member that can be supportive and will believe you.
@@catherinekirby1457 • thank you so much for your video & reply ♡ i have been praying & opening up to my family member i am close to.
• i now know what lead me to have the dreams & to have memories resurface.
• i unexpectedly saw a family member, he walked in jangling his keys, the keys along with the sound of him walking, i felt fear, the most fear i thought i had ever felt in my life, along with guilt, embarassment & shame, but i knew i had felt like that before.
• since i have had troubled dreams, i realised that i could not remember him in any of my memories but there is evidence he was present for those memories, for example, i remember his wedding & every other family member there, but not him being there.
• i also realised that i have this intense fear & anxiety towards men, specifically men who have a similar appearance.
• i started to remember multiple times in my childhood of him walking into a room where we were alone & shutting the door & having blank walls in my memories.
• now i can remember most of those blanks, at least 3 clear, separate memories of things of a sexual nature happened.
• i have a memory of me as a child confronting him saying i didn't want to do those things anymore & him getting angry.
• this Friday my entire extended family are going on holiday. he will be there.
• my parents do not know. the only other person who knows is my family member who is my age.
• she does not have any memories or memories coming back like i have, but she experiences the same shame, fear, guilt & embarassment, when thinking of / seeing him.
• she also has the same problem of remembering all other family members at events but not remembering him at the events even though there are photos of us all together at those events.
• i have started to remember 2 other instances of both of us being alone with him & then my memories hit the blank wall, the same blank wall in my memories i used to have before i remembered.
• i am concerned that something may have happened to her as well.
• i am concerned that she may be triggered upon seeing him as i was.
• i do not know what is worse, that it might have only happened to me & that i am alone in the experience or that she has also been subjected to what happened.
• i hope it didn't happen to her but i am scared to be alone in this experience.
• we recently found out he & his wife are trying IVF.
• i have put my family member in an awkward position as she is the only one who knows what i remember, but she does not remember any abuse herself.
• she does remember the start of one of the instances of him coming into our room, on holiday, while we were asleep, she does not remember it was him, she remembers someone entering the room, & the door opening waking her up, i remember the same thing except it was him who came in & closed the door then came towards me.
• i am deeply concerned & i do not know if there is anything i can do about the situation i am in, & if there is something i can do, i am undecided on whether i should. i shall keep praying, God bless you & your family ♡
@@rainbowglass8319 , can we talk? Is there a reason why you can’t trust either or both of your parents? Remember the shark when you had this first trigger? If you were able to talk to one or both of your parents, they will have that same reaction and it will take some time for it to settle in and for them to respond in a better way.
Usually, a perpetrator doesn’t just have one victim. NEVER be alone with this man! The reason why you cannot remember him at these events is that you’re mind was trying to block him out, no matter what the situation.
How do you know it was real? (Not doubting her I’m wondering for personal reasons.) others have come forward, against someone I was really close with, I started to “remember” (or whatever you should call it) but I’m not even sure if it’s real. How do you know if it’s a memory or a false memory?
Give it time. My sister is 2 years older than me. Sometimes, she will mention something from our childhood and I think, I don’t remember that. But gradually, I do, not a complete memory of it but enough to know that what she said was true.
Ask God to help you on this journey. He will.
Please let me know how you’re faring. I would love to hear from you. God cares! I care! My email is: creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
"If it's not real, you can't hold it in your hand.
You can't feel it with your heart, and I won't believe it.
But if it's true, you can see it with your eyes, even in the dark."
I know my father sexually abused me, but I don't have explicit memories. The ones I do have always seemed so begnine. A weird comment here, an inappropriate touch there, but nothing major. When I ask myself, was he sexually abusive however, the answer "yes" is at the forefront of my mind. The red flags that surround my childhood confirm it as well. Urinary tract infections. Early self harm. Adults having to correct my inappropriate behavior that no child should express at the age of 5.
Memories aren't required for validation, but if there are things around the memory that validate the abuse, it's more likely to be true.
An acquaintance recently told me they were aware I'd been sexually assaulted as a child. I was shocked, and have no memory of this. This same person moved their mouth in an awkward way one time, and it distressed me. It was a dark feeling, that maybe this person harmed me, but I'd blocked it out. Is something that small, such as a mouth movement a possible trigger?
Yes, it can been. The brain is an incredible thing. Everything is stored and can be recalled.
I can’t tell if it is a lie. I feel like I’m making it up. It can’t be true I’m just imagining that it happened. Right? How do I know that’s really what happened? He wouldn’t do that right? Why do I feel like I’m imagining it. I can’t tell
Right now, you feel like you are going crazy but your memory will tell the story in time. Trust your gut instincts. Listen to things that trigger anxiety. And ask God to guide you and help you.
I am struggling with this. I have what would be called virginitiphobia: fear of rape, androphobia: fear of men,, maskephobia: fear of people with face coverings, iatrophobia: fear of doctors, and scopophobia: fear of being looked at...these issues along with a night.are disorder, has lent to agoraphobia. But ultimately I just have to figure out..what the hell happened to me that makes me have these rape Nightmares and extremely irrational fears that impede my life like this.
Is there a way to reach you? Maybe just to chat a little more..I have been in therapy, but am hesitant to share some of this because they have obligations to tbe state and that scares me.
I am just needing help.
Sure. Can you email me and we’ll go from there: creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
How are you coping? I really care. Write me: creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
What if you have that "fear" but can't remember anything specific or are unsure about triggers. How do you move forward when it's just a feeling?
Fear is a strong reaction; what triggers it?
One time years ago I was sitting on the couch reading and my husband playfully rushed towards me and my reaction actually scared him and he said,” you turned into a scared little girl right in front of me .I’ll never do that again.”
I have one main “ body memory “ that has stuck w me most of my life but no real flashbacks.
It has been very damaging to our 44 year marriage for sure😔 3:35
Thank you for the video
I’m 18 now, but if it did happen, the oldest I would have been was 7
I one day was having a crisis because I have all these issues with intimacy and vulnerability and it just feels so scary, but I don’t know exactly why. I wondered if it possibly was assault at a young age but I couldn’t remember who possibly did that,
but then I had a random memory of a man who used to baby sit us. It felt like it hit me like a brick. But I have no memory of it at all, and I’m still not sure if that’s what happened to give me these issues.
My fear of intimacy in general could come from low self esteem, general neglect, and autism as well, but it just doesn’t feel like it should be this intense. I feel like if I wanted to have sex I’d have to be drunk to start it. But that could also be general anxiety.
I also have a disorganized attachment style, but I was always confused because the causes of it are physical, mental or sexual abuse. I don’t think I really went through any of those, so I don’t know why I have this attachment style. I was spanked as a kid? But it never felt extreme.
I saw that a symptom is sexually curious at a young age, and I didn’t think I experienced that. But I just remembered one day I felt like my Barbie and ken doll should kiss while naked. I don’t remember why I felt compelled to. I now get graphic and intrusive sexual thoughts, and feel a general paranoia and fear around men. I just never truly feel safe if I’m alone with a man, sometimes even around my dad. But I know my dad never did that and wouldn’t hurt me that way.
I’m not sure what to do
It is the not knowing that makes us crazy. So many triggers and no explanations. Have you asked your parents about the babysitter? Your fears started somewhere. We adopted an older dog and for two years, he slept all day while I was at work. my husband joked that he was a pet rock. In reality, he was avoiding my husband. He ventured out of the guest bedroom when I came home. My husband spent countless hours getting our dog to trust him and slowly but surely, the dog trusted him and would sit by him. Then one day, he was with my husband and my husband reached into the closet to get a belt, and the old dog bolted, jumping over things and racing to the back door in a panic. This dog is arthritic and on a good day, moves slowly but fueled by terror, he ran fast. It doesn’t take much understanding to see that the belt triggered fear. It’s the same with your fears. They are valid. Have you talked to you parents? Have you tried journalling? It’s going to take effort on your part, but begin to work to make some sense of your fears. Thanks for writing, sweet girl.
@@catherinekirby1457
Thank you, I’m going to be making a therapy appointment today to discuss it. I am a bit worried about telling my parents what they think, I normally don’t tell them about my problems. My mother has been sexually abused as well when she was a kid, it would break her heart to know the same thing might have happened to me. Maybe not believe me, idk. But again thank you, I hope you are doing well
@@toiletpaper6408 , I think it would hurt your mother more that you didn’t confide in her
@@catherinekirby1457
That is very eye opening, thank you
@@toiletpaper6408 , from a mother’s perspective, I can’t speak for everyone, but it would hurt me if my daughter or son felt that they couldn’t come to me because I would fall apart.
What to do when you know it happened but you can't (but really want to) remember it?
You can’t force a memory to surface. Live life every day- do the things that you always do; bits and pieces may reveal themselves but usually when you are doing other things.
My mom thinks I was sexually abused when I was a baby or toddler with a close family friend who has been since confirmed to b a child rapist, Idk if it happend or not bc I can’t remember, but my mom also told me how mean she used to be with me and these traumatic situations I’d be in as a child and I can’t remember them. I can’t remember a lot of the trauma as a child so now I wonder 😥🤨
Please don’t suffer over what might have never happened. Be happy in today. Don’t let “ what-ifs” steal today’s peace of mind.
Your mom is tormented, worrying that she did not protect her baby. Because you can’t remember, she has no closure. She is like the victim, desperately needing to know the facts and because the facts are hidden from her, her anxiety increases.
Please embrace this Scripture. “ You (God) will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in You.” Isaiah 26:2
Stayed means that your burden is gone. you are refreshed. God has taken your burdens from you. Trusting in Him given you peace.
@@catherinekirby1457 thank you so much I appreciate your response 💗
@@Juliannarvivas , I’m glad. Be happy. Jesus said Don’t worry about tomorrow. Today has trouble enough.
There has been a thought that I might have been sexually abused for some time now. I keep getting back to it.. I don't remember anything specific but I have a lot of chronic pain in my body. I left my family 4 years ago. Since then I have been very terrified of my father. Even getting a text from him makes me so triggered and afraid. I only remember a few weird memories. Once I confided in him as a teenager that I was bullied at school and he told me victims always case the abuse for themselves in some way. Then I remember that once I have confided in my parents that I was touched inaproppriatelly by a cousin and they gave me no response at all. Things like that. I would like to know if something happened to me by my father or somebody else, that I might not remember. Mainly because of the chronic pain.
I was very happy to hear you talking about God at the end. I am also a believer ♥️.
First, trust your instincts and the leading of the Holy Spirit. Let God lead you. Pray often. Please, start journaling. I would love to talk with you: creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
How did you cope with your families lack of care and empathy...I have the same 😢
I had to realize that they were putting up walls of self-protection. I left them alone. Obviously, they weren’t going to be part of my healing journey. Don’t expect something from people who won’t come through for you.
I have an issue, you can write a book on it and keep the money. I need someone to hear me please. I had MINE covered up by a TBI agent that was father of my first lovely bf. I’ve stayed quiet 17 yrs. He set me up to think I deserved horrific treatment…I wanna figure that out. I do therapy weekly but this guys HIGH up in gov, and yet I’m still a liar..
Thank you
Leigh, there is healing! In this world, truth is despised and liars reign! Look at all the victims of sex trafficking, even infants. Children are discredited in court; I know; I have testified for children.
You know the truth! But there is a truth that is bigger than you. Jesus said, I am the way the truth and the life and that truth will set you free. I sincerely hope that you’ve reached out to Jesus because he knows everything about you, even things that you don’t know about yourself and he is ready and able to make you whole. Start reading the Bible.
I am here for you if you want to talk. I believe you!
creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
My father also threw out all of out family
Fotos and i always thought to mysefl it was so i dont remebr anything . I do have a scar in my
Genetils . I havent asked the doctor i m scared to lnow .
Fear holds us back. See a female doctor that you feel comfortable with. When there’s abuse, the memory is full of holes. People look back over their childhood and they just can’t remember anything.
I had another instance where I don't remember this. But we lived in an apartment projects where this little girl would play at the park with me. But one time my mom walked outside and she was showing me her naked body.