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CPTSD & Attachment Styles: Partners Who Trigger Abandonment Wounds
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ส.ค. 2024
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People neglected as children often find themselves drawn to partners who have an avoidant attachment style -- emotionally cold, often withdrawing love and connection unexpectedly, triggering anxious partners to blame themselves and work overtime to make the relationship work. In this video I respond to a woman whose avoidant ex-partner wants to try again -- while he dates other women. Find out how I help her set boundaries and shed guilt about her role in the relationship's demise.
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One thing that caused me pain and heartache in relationships was not making a fuss when my partner did things that crossed my boundaries and hurt me. I thought I had to tolerate it. Listen to me everybody. Make a fuss!
This is literally me. I struggle to voice my upset and dismay with poor treatment. Trying really hard to advocate for myself in the moment but it’s going against all my programming.
@@sparrowwilson4514 I've just started standing up for myself without " losing it" 🤣itceas getting exhausting, honestly, I feel much stronger, and dont care about the outcomes, just speaking from my heart , and doing best to focus on what I'm creating with harmony. I have much more peace and freedom without drama in my life ( I mean people who are unable 4 whateVa reason, to respect me and my boundaries) nicer people are entering my life 🌸🎶
Rock on, yu know, yu r Be🍓utiful and deserve Only Love 🌸🎶🌸🎶🌸🎶
@@sparrowwilson4514 I never make/made a fuss either. But I'm older now, spent years alone after a terrible broken heart. I'm dating again. But I'm using boundaries and strength I Never had. Childhood fairy gives great tools and info. I need to be able to Show up. I need to hold my ground appropriately.
Painful to say but this is me.
Yeah I never wanted to be a "bitch" and it has cost me dearly. I'm tough as hell in every other part of my life and with clients or friends but in relationships....marshmallow. Until this last relationship. He was an avoidant big time, loved me but just couldn't stick in place. Always coming and leaving town until I said no more I'm done. He is still trying to hold on.
I am very guilty of the avoidant attachment style. It’s something I need to work on. In my household, emotions weren’t allowed (or you’d be punished or mocked), and hugs and affection very sparse. Along with that my parents basically left me to raise myself. So definitely a lot of unlearning learned behaviors for me to do.
Same
Same
Same in my household. I'm working on things as well. Best wishes to you.
We are on the same page.
Same is my story. My father is a narcissist who completely neglected me and abused me physically n emotionally. My mother is a submissive woman who could not do much.she was herself abused by him. So in totality I also in a way all alone without any help care or support. Nobody is there to guide me through life. My family is cruel. No hugs, no emotional support, love or sympathy is allowed in my house. I would be punished if I expect this from my father. He hates all this. He will be more mad. Now I feel alone in this world. No one I can go to for help love or guidance. I just have one question what have I done to deserve all this? I actually get confused, nervous when I see normal people around me who has normal loving parents. Loving siblings and partners. I really don't know how to connect with normal people. There is nothing comman between us. Life has been really tough.
Sadly many people in the spiritual community are trying to label that attachment style of runner and chaser as someone’s “twin flame” thank you for sharing this
This!!! The whole romanticized TF journey often seems like it’s just people justifying trauma bonding and limerance. (I’ve learned this from you, CCF!
There is more to it than the physical explanation of your words and unless experienced, others will judge it. IT is not what words can convey nor about psychology. Truly, it's about self-mastery. What people read online can be viewed as trauma, however, it's the soul creating a force within like the clapper within the bell....this energy is called dark night of the soul. There is no convincing an energy experience to others. Similarly, as a gay woman, I can't explain how I know. Even naysayers later experienced the energy of twin flames. Twin flames are real. You HAVE a mind, you HAVE a body, you ARE a soul. Twin flames have been written about for 1600 years so it's not new. (Let's see if my words are as valuable as others = not deleted)
@@azcactusflower1 it is a deeply spiritual experience, beyond words and beyond psychology, but definitely related to attachment issues and abandonment trauma. Sometimes, you meet someone who just touches you in the space, in that way. I experienced it as a born again Christian!
@@azcactusflower1 well said and super interesting ideas! Thanks for that. I seek self-mastery above all else, the boys and girls can wait their turns
@@lilafeldman8630 That "person" is you, the paradox. SSSweetPeach (OP) is talking about a square while I'm talking about a circle. We use words to attempt to explain things but in the realm of spirituality, words fall short. We name a 'bird,' and will never see the bird for what it is again, a divine expression. Again, nobody's mind can understand this. Be well Lila xx
Don't trust or choose a man that can "text the text" but doesn't talk the talk!
Dont be smitten by loving message.
Be smitten by someone who looks you in the eye and says it out loud.
I agree with this. I also have to add in not just looks you in the eye but whose actions aligns with their words.
@@shelbyskumanich5654 true 👍❤
Needed this, ty!
@@shelbyskumanich5654 and for longer than six months lol 😋
@@alanrush1381 the video is about emotional avoidant partners. They don't communicate very well and so my comment is in regards to emotionally and communicative avoidant partners. I've been with a few that can't express emotions verbally. It is valid that actions are important, but again this is a post about avoidants not manipulators!
Broke up with an avoidant partner a week ago.. it’s been brutal since I feel still attached but honestly I felt more alone being with him than without him now. I came across Anna’s videos in an attempt to find why i keep having failed relationships. This has been eye opening..Thank you for your work!
I'm proud of you for making this change. Everyone here knows it's hard at first, but opens the door toward happiness!
So proud of you it takes so much strength to do it m still gathering courage
I'm going through this it's so painful it's been 3 months he doesn't contact alot didn't wish me happy valentine's doesn't ask questions about me and he's not that attractive even but I don't know how to leave
@@GertyAndyDean thank you dear for encouraging waiting for the day when I can block although I ve moved on
Same here, as feeling more alone with, than without.
The more people I meet, the more I believe having cptsd is the rule, not the exception. Much love to us all 💗
Agreed!
Agreed
I like to think it’s getting better with each generation though. I hope it is anyways. We are becoming more aware and conscious. I feel like two generations ago they didn’t know anything about any of this. Just walking around unconscious. 😂 Traumatizing all their babies too.
After my father died (I was five) I spent the next 15 years raising my mother: cold, narcissistic, we lived in 19 places until I moved out for college. I met someone who mirrored my mother, never once said, "I love you", and finally, after another 50 years, I'm learning to let myself off the hook. My mother taught me, "You are only half a person unless you are half of a couple." I've spent 70 years (minus the first five) under this sick delusion.
I can relate so much my father died at 8 and I spent the rest of my life raising my mother. I just told her this week I need me back. Of course I had children with a narcissistic and I’m trying to rebuild my life. I need her help but you guessed it, everything still about her!! I learned I’m only valuable if I’m useful to someone or taking care of them.
😢🙏🏼❤️🕊
Your mother was very fortunate to have you, however, not visa versa. None of them said I love you in that generation. The first time I heard “I love you” was from a boyfriend at age 14. 🙄Ridiculous. I am 70 now. Looking back on how idiots were in charge of me. I made out ok, good husband & adult kids, but my parents & siblings SUCKED. 👎🏼👎🏼
😞🤗🤗🤗🤗😚 I want to hug your inner Child and tell you that you are loved.
I had a friend like this... At first it was out of this world we had so much fun together than it went sour, saw the red flags, had the instincts but it was almost like being possessed I couldn't do anything about it and I lost everything and poof the dark night begins and its been hella hard to rebuild almost impossible.
“It feels like you have been kicked out of the human race…” you have described it to a tee. The rage, grief, panic all at once. No one else in my circle reacted like that. 🥺
If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc.
Many people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or unavailable parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present. We attract partners like this for healing. You’re not “giving up.” Remember, you’re not a fix it, rehab center, nurse, therapist or their parent...they have to do the inner work
What you said about the sickening mixture of intolerable "rage, grief and panic".. you were so spot on, sad it's so common because it can lead people to make extreme mistakes they can't undo and blame themselves forever and ever
💯😔
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes. I have done this because of the extreme panic state and packed my bags and left. I just didn’t know what was happening. Now I do but I’m in grief over whether it was right to leave even though he was emotionally abusive. Could I have handled it differently.
That the worst feeling ever... and it's so hard to get over it. It's been 6+ yeas for me and I still feel it sometimes. Especially the rage and the grief and blaming myself...
Yes! I don't act on that feeling but I get it a lot and its torture inside my head.
The other side of this, is that it’s ok to put up boundaries if someone avoidant is treating you badly - taking too long to respond - hot and cold with you. Boundaries are actually healing.
Well said :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy how long is too long for waiting for a reply?
How long is too be long for a response?
@@derrickagonzales for a partner, a few hours. I would allow a day if they were hospitalized or lost their phone but waiting for days or even a week to hear from someone is unhealthy. Another gauge is, how often do they usually communicate?
Learning about attachment theory changed my life. I had the worst heartbreak of my life with an avoidant person and I couldn't understand why certain things made me so emotional, why this pattern was so painful. I took on all the blame for why things weren't working. I felt crazy, not like myself. Being able to put a name to the dynamic and hear that other people were being affected in a similar way massively accelerated my healing.
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I dated an avoidant for several months and he would constantly pull away and come back, and it never triggered me until 7 months in and out of fear that he would pull away again, I ended it, abruptly, which I didn't mean to do, but I was scared that he would abandon me, again. After this, he called it off for good. Either I didn't have this fear of abandonment until I entered this relationship, or it was triggered from childhood wounds. Either way, I won't date an avoidant, again. It's too toxic... even for secure people.
Good call.
Yes true.. Even I felt all my childhood issues were aggravated by this person which in turn created a constant fear of abandonment. Best decision was to break up with him. Wish you lots of hope and healing ❤️🩹
@@Sarablueunicorn Sooo true, wish I had known earlier 😞 Sorry you had to go through that
We learn as we go!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes! Being around a dismissive avoidant destroys people’s confidence, even for secure people. There’s this episode of Will & Grace where Karen who is the coldest most heartless fiercely independent beyond confident biotch gets involved with a guy like this, and she turns into a puddle of insecure mush because of his dismissive avoidant-then-comes back-repetitively bs..
Emotional neglect applies to Avoidant Attachment style. Abandonment Wounds that are so deep inside my heart. No one has any idea of how bad it was in the 1980s for me.
Absolutely. Abandonment is common for Avoidants. Sorry you suffered.
this one really hit home 🥺 I think the hardest part, personally, is how avoidant partner’s exaggerated reactions like blocking, leaving for months with no word etc. at discomfort to display of emotion by an anxious partner is like pouring gasoline on intense childhood guilt (that definitely needs to be worked through) that if we had just done something different or not been the way we are, we wouldn’t have been left or neglected the way we were. It can send the anxious person into a spiral of basically their own personal hell where the only thing you can hear (if you stop chasing the avoidant person and listen) is: It was all your fault. Chasing the avoidant person is running away from that ingrained existential fear - it can keep you on the run forever to change a story the avoidant person, ironically, keeps confirming unless and until things are done differently on BOTH sides. What I am learning is that when I stand in that place and face the fears, I begin to learn that this story was never true. I can stop running. The issue is getting my nervous system to adjust, and that takes time and persistent reminders from sources like this to overwrite the default story built-in to the self-concept at such an early age.
Very insightful
codependent people learn to put the needs of others ahead of their own and will sacrifice their needs and principles in order to maintain relationships.
People who are codependent feel a strong pull toward validation and self-worth from others. When they don’t receive it, they become anxious. You actually can unlearn these patterns. It starts with building yourself internally. I recommend reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie, and the concepts really were eye opening for me. I understood how I contributed to the dysfunction in the name of empath and love. Love is free and unconditional. Even if you moved a million miles away and blocked him/her, you CAN still love him. But you realize the relationship isn’t healthy or stable. All you can do is take good care of your heart, and give your energy to those who fully see you.
Well said.
Have you heard about resetting your fight, flight, freeze system? System wasn't the right word. Anyway you need to take a cold shower for 2 min. The colder the better do this 5 - 7 days a week, after a month it should be reset. Have a great day!!
Well put it takes the moment to see that you can stop running and change the outcome by your new words and new actions. No longer disregulated but more understanding of self so now get to choose new reactions how cool is that xx
I read somewhere that children need to hear from parents 'i love you' every day. So i started doing this to my son. First it felt very strange, because needless to say, i never had it myself. But then i started to get used to it and i loved it. I say it in all different ways to my son, looking into his eyes. So he gets used to this and gravitates towards it in adulthood. It really is something you learn, like a different language. I used to believe that anything related to psychology is set, but it's not. We are flexible human beings and can learn and unlearn our behaviour. I read that it takes approximately 7 days to break a habit (by substituting it to something else) Our behaviour IS a habit essentially.
I was always anxious and avoidant, since childhood. I know what it's like to be the kid that securely attached kids never wanted to bother with.
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ouch! Hugs.
I always felt like I didn’t matter as a kid. Working on healing...
@@tbd5082 it carries into adulthood, which is disappointing.
I am astonished at how concise and articulate you are, moreso than any therapist I’ve ever worked with. That you are giving excellent guidance & wisdom away for free makes you no less than a miracle worker for me and I are just am extraordinarily grateful.
Thank you for the kind words and support of the channel. - Ashley, Team Fairy
codependent people learn to put the needs of others ahead of their own and will sacrifice their needs and principles in order to maintain relationships.
People who are codependent feel a strong pull toward validation and self-worth from others. When they don’t receive it, they become anxious. You actually can unlearn these patterns. It starts with building yourself internally. I recommend reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie, and the concepts really were eye opening for me. I understood how I contributed to the dysfunction in the name of empath and love. Love is free and unconditional. Even if you moved a million miles away and blocked him/her, you CAN still love him. But you realize the relationship isn’t healthy or stable. All you can do is take good care of your heart, and give your energy to those who fully see you.
Book changed my life. It was written before I was born.
I’ve spent my entire life (I’m 65) in and out of relationships, all of which were unhealthy and unsuccessful. I grew up being ignored, put down constantly. I learned early on that the way I was, was not good enough. Long story short, I see no reason whatsoever to be in any kind of relationship. What for? To load up on daily pain and angst? A happy family is all I ever wanted until I realized I have no idea what that looks like. Same with a good man-what does a good one look like or sound like? I have no idea. So I’ve come to the decision that none of them that I’d pick have anything I want or need. So it’s just me and my dog.
I lost my mom as an infant, my dad was emotionally unavailable and his second wife was physically and verbally abusive. I fall for people HARD that don’t want commitment and who disappear for weeks at a time and ignore my messages. I tolerate it because they feel like my “soulmate” or “twin flame” or someone I knew in a past life. It’s so exhausting. Getting help for it now. Thanks for getting me there, Crappy Childhood Fairy 🧚♀️
Hope you heal!!
So glad you are here- we have more help courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh my...those two attachment styles: that's me and my husband...I'm the anxious, he's the avoidant...married 54 years this month. I FINALLY realized when I was 50, what was going on, and changed the 'dance' which caused a LOT of drama...the next 2 decades were rough but I learned how to deal with him..I do believe he may be clinical narcissistic personality disordered, but very low level..we did marriage counseling and he didn't really engage, but he did take an empathy test and he didn't even make it onto the scale..he was below 1...I knew he was not empathetic and I was an empath ...once I realized he was avoidant I learned how to 'get through' to him on some levels..he was abandonded by his mother when he was 5 and his father allowed him to believe she was a bad person..never told him that, but let him think that...he never reconciled with his mother but his sister and 2 brothers, all older than he, did..they seemed to be much healthier people emotionally. He has come a long way and one thing that helped was when he got saved...the problem then, though, became that he was what I call cultish..he was attracted to dictatorial churches and pastors that focused on God's judgement vs God's grace..since then he's had some personal failures and now he is not as harsh, but prob only b/c he's done the same...still harsh in other areas..I choose to extend grace to him and show him unconditional love, but no longer allow him to bully me with his passive aggressive behaviors..he knows he can't manipulate me..he 'needs' a lot of attention and praise and gets that from other places...we make it work. NOT easy..and I'd advise anyone who is young to avoid this kind of relationship, to get out if you can and not think the person will change or that you can change him/her...you can't if they have the npd behaviors that my husband has.
Appreciate you sharing your experience!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for your comment really helpful.
@@melw3313 We were very young when we got married, we both had baggage. I loved him and I'd made a vow before God when I married him 'until death'. I still loved him and I stayed the course but only b/c I believed it was what God wanted me to do. The Bible says 'love suffers long'...'love never gives up'...'love endures all things"...I wanted to demonstrate that kind of love to him. God did work in his heart and I saw the evidence of it...but it was a slow process..almost 2 decades. God transformed our marriage and I'm glad I stayed the course. But it doesn't always work out that way..It only takes one person to ruin a marriage. Each marriage is unique and complex. I was in no danger physically or emotionally and I had nothing to lose by staying. I wanted to set an example for my children too, that sometimes we must 'suffer for righteousness sake", just like Jesus did because he loved us....
Dating an avoidment helped me learn about attachment styles, I always felt the push/pull with him. I was always feeling anxious waiting for his texts and when he would text back I would feel a release of endorphins. I dated him for a few months and felt it was time to ask the what are we question. To my surprise, he ghosted me. It hurt so bad but I refused to reach out to him after that question because it's already hard enough for me to be vulnerable. 5 months later I run into him and we had small talk like nothing happened, it's probably the 'cool girl' persona I was using. We started going on dates again only this time my anxiety was worse than before because I didn't know if he was going to ghost me again and I had grown attached to him already. We had a date and he told me to text him when I got home, which I did and no response from him. I didn't hear from him for a few days and when he texted me I immediately told him I needed to cut things off with him, it was the abandonment melange talking. A few weeks later I almost texted him apologizing but I knew right then and there that I would be emotionally abusive and I had to stick with what I did. This lesson lead me to my healing journey. Even though I miss him, I know it was for the best for the both of us.
Its ok to cut off from someone who doesn’t reply for a few days though - Especially after they asked you to text, after they ghosted you and you never got to discuss how that felt and it was just swept under the rug. To me that sounds like a healthy boundary around someone who doesn’t treat you right..
@@hadassah6085 That makes sense and validates my feelings about it. I have a hard time trusting my judgment and wonder if I only would of done this or that then maybe the outcome would of been different.
Laura I can be the same. It’s hard to trust your feelings when you grew up without and validation and have had a lot of gaslighting. (For me)
I have to think about what is reasonable and unreasonable behavior and I notice if my feelings are being heard, or I’m expected to push them under the rug and stay on surface level. I also have to make sure I don’t gaslight myself or feel overly responsible for repair and keeping the peace. It’s all childhood survival tools that served me as a child, but not anymore. Paying attention to how I feel in my body helps me. That was hard for me to learn as I had to shut that down as a child for never being comforted.
Really - he was unkind to you and you think it’s all your fault. You’re not emotionally abusive - you gave someone a second chance and they still lacked the ability to talk through what had happened and do any appropriate repairs.
In more detail - he was more than unkind to you - he strung you along for a few months and when you asked a really reasonable question about where the relationship stands - he couldn’t even take the time to answer and ghosted - and then when you bumped into him again - it was all ignored and you were expected to text him, which you did - only for him to ignore for a few days again.
He sounds like a user - taking what he can get without being accountable in any basic way.
You were never emotionally abusive. He was - it’s more than neglect - it’s intentional disregard when you spoke up and asked a basic question about where the relationship was. It’s really healthy to talk about that topic and expectations, even early on than how patient you were.
@@hadassah6085Wow thank you so much for your healing words, I needed to hear that more that you know. It's been a few months since I cut him off and I've been feeling guilty about it still. Now I can look at it with clear vision and not how I'm responsible how he treated me. CPTSD is a real struggle and I'm so glad I found this channel to connect with others who also suffer from it. I know with real work we can heal. Even though I can look back in my dating past and relationships I can truly say that I've never experienced a healthy relationship, I've never felt loved or respected for who I was and I always felt responsible for the mistreat because I thought I provoked them to treat me that way. I don't know when I'll be ready to date again but I know I'm beyond sick of this cycle and ready to do whatever it takes to heal. Good luck to your healing journey as well🤍
I am speechless. I’ve searched for many years for the words to the experience of it all. I’ve never quite known how to describe it so my closest friends could understand why I am isolative at times. I get overwhelmed so easily. I am so glad to find this video!
Welcome!
Same. 🖤
I have attached to avoidant partners all my life. Men who have sabotaged the relationship, or never invested themselves fully or lied to me. I can better understand this pattern now. I thought it was only because of my father wound. My dad always made me feel worthless. We've never had a real conversation up til now. I barely know him. He was abusive to my mum and never loved us. He kept saying he never wanted to be a dad anyway. He never paid for child support, as he thought we would turn badly. He kept saying to his friends and relatives that he would not invest in the education of future drug addicts and single moms. That's the plan he had for us. He must be really disappointed today, as my sisters and I are all educated and professionals today.
Yes just on the one point on abandonment melange, its the desperation to cut it off/out as quickly and urgently as possible because one is so demoralized & traumatized by the relationship dynamic & your own seeming inability to internally find the power to decide for it to be over. Thanks so much for the channel, just found it, am sure im going to learn so much more, thanks Anna
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I always wondered what was wrong with me.
This is making so much sense. It’s clear it’s not a one way street. Relationships start out fine, and then it gets weird, then intolerable. I see it’s my perception and response to the women I meet, and I also see, being a guy, along with my past, I look for “projects” to “fix”. I’m a fixer by nature. I’m a guy. The bigger the crisis, the more effective I am. I thrive in a crisis.
I’m a “First Responder” without any formal training.
Thank you for this enlightening information, and bringing so many confusing questions into clarity.
🍻🍻
Im anxiously attached & I do attract avoidant people. I adopted the mindset that if I block someone... that's final. I don't unblock people. They could give me their kidney & they would still remain blocked.
For avoiders I put the relationship "on ice". I communicate exactly what is wrong then I mute their social media, delete their messages, and stop messaging them. The relationship is "over" as far as Im concerned until they address the issue. I will start going on dates & exploring new opportunities.
I am completely unwilling to do the whole "push & pull" dynamic of an anxious-avoidant relationship. I find it incredibly destabilizing.
I don’t think I’m doing these things much anymore but I’m left depressed. It’s like I’ve given up on Hope. Hope seems to only cause me disappointment and more pain. I think I’ve become more comfortable in feeling very little.
Giving up hope is the right thing in a hopeless situation. Hug
🫂
I love when you use letters to explain things. Thank you
Wow this is great!!! I literally deal with this regularly. My Husband and I are living separately but still exclusive to each other due to a lot of complications rooted in this attachment style. (Spoiler alert: I'm the anxious one lol) I didn't know what melange was but have experienced it my whole life. I have CPTSD. I always called it: "feeling like I'm ok and then suddenly falling off a cliff" lol...or "an episode" Coping skills learned through trauma informed therapy, DBT, and CBT really helped me as well as staying connected to a community even when I don't feel like it all the time due to feelings of depression at times. It's nice to finally have a name for it and so validating to hear someone talking about this. Thank you.
Please go and get some professional help with a good therapist. You probably have a great husband going to waste. Kids get dealt cars they did not ask for or deserve. Most can't work it out themselves without help. I'm living the nightmare of a great wife that had an upbringing that was mostly not right with unloving parents and I've coped it. Just took 17 years to be told what the problem is.
Thank you for this post Lisa! I really resonate and its so validating to hear your descriptions.
Hi! I’m curious to know how living apart but remaining in the relationship and exclusive has worked out for you? My partner and I have recently taken this plunge and it feels like a healthy choice that will give us both the space and time we need for growth, but am always looking for more information and my anxious monster is definitely having a pretty hard time 😬 😅
I block, to try prevent myself from contacting the person again. To prevent seeing them on my SM or responding to them if they reach out. It's a great way to move on from a toxic relationship.
As we get older, it’s very difficult finding single people who aren’t screwed up too. Single friends and potential partners over age 40 - where do you look and how do you expand your circle and find HEALTHIER people for relationships at this age? Online dating is packed full of scammers and conmen, nearly impossible to find real people.
I'm living through the same experience as you so I totally understand. I've just signed up for a matchmaking agency. It doesn't guarantee anything but at least it eliminates the players, commitment.phobics, casual daters etc. (there's a fee to pay which is much, much higher than anything online so its a filter only people who really look for something serious get in). On the other hand, they can of course have this money and still be screwed up ;) but at least you know you're both looking for a relationship and can take it from there to see if they are kind, good hearted, compatible with you etc.
As a 26 year old, there are those that vibe with online dating and those that don't. As someone who deals with these abandonment issues, ADHD, etc, I've personally resolved myself to a life of solitude and hope that eventually I can be whole enough to bring love to someone's life.
@@needy3535 I totally understand how you feel. I don't want to give the cliché "but you're young" but it does help to start healing at a young age. You've got plenty of time to develop and grow, and find love eventually with no pressure. Best wishes!
@@pronobiska while it is sad, growing up in an extremely religious home made me romanticize a lot of stuff, and I feel so much lighter knowing that sometimes love is boring and it's the small moments, not the grand gestures that really matter.
As people have from increasing marriages e.g. 1st, 2nd, 3rd marriages, the ‘success rate’ of each one goes down, percentage wise. Super important to get premarital counselling with an MFT trained therapist.
I believe God uses you to change lives. At age 70, I now understand much. Looking forward to growing in healthier relationships. Love the way you share and your giggles 😃 xo thank you
Nothing would make me happier than to be used in this way. Thanks for appreciating the laughs! We need more of them!
Telling someone they’d like to “build trust” while dating others is called MANIPULATION and it’s flat-out abusive and degrading to the other person. OP’s ex is a classic user and deep-down she knows she’s being treated as an option.
I love this community!
I send blessings and prayers to each one of you brave, courageous people who are so willing to stand up and be here fully! Willing to grow and change. Your unique spirit is priceless!
You are loved and there is Hope for your future !!!❤️( Jeremiah 11:29)
Thank- you, Anna!
Thank you! You too!
Learning a TON “abandonment melange” yes… I’ve done that as a protest behavior with my DA… our pattern when dating: he threatened to break up then I would threaten, then I finally did.
But I started some amazing course work to understand my attachment style and his. We are now friends (4 month mark in friendship) and just had some recent conflict with him shutting down. I experienced the abandonment melange sooo strongly and wanted to end the friendship badly … but THIS time, I knew to wait it out and process. I was then able to text something gracious and state “I’m here whenever you want to reconnect” and I was vulnerable and stated “I’m going to be vulnerable and let you know I don’t like distance between us”
He reached back out almost immediately and stated that he felt same…. He has told me he has rejection and abandonment wounds as well. I think offering him a safe place and freedom to reconnect whenever he is ready really freed him to come back more quickly.
We still need to have a conversation around our communication conflict but I’m crafting that as well.
I’m actually looking at this relationship regardless of the outcome, as a catalyst to become aware of my own issues and to get healing. I’m showing up more with good boundaries, strong opinions, less people pleasing. At first when I re-entered relationship (from dating to friendship) I felt a lot of fear because I had become quite codependent …but with each change in my own behavior, the fear has fallen away more and more… although I was triggered in our latest conflict to “fawn” a bit but I caught myself
It’s a journey… right? Of becoming who we were meant to be… beautiful, creative, free people with agency to love and be loved
Love this post and your self awareness!
I naturally have an avoidant attachment style but through self awareness I am learning to become more secure. I still feel impulses towards avoidant reactions but now I challenge them more.
Yes, keep on keeping on :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thanks will do my best!
Going through a break up right now and you have helped me wake up to the reality. I dont have any practice in healthy coping skills during a break up but I'm trying my best to stay grounded and let things end with grace.
I've been binging your videos because they help me feel sane
Thank you for sharing those tools for taking care of yourself when you feel the abandonment wounds coming up and overwhelming you, FAs are notorious for deactivating when feeling overwlemed and even lashing out and then activating when things have calmed down so as to seek reconnection. Those tools you shared like labelling the wound as it comes up, not making rushed decisions, not making in declarations, communicating your need for emotional safety and space at that moment and I will add actively working on emotional regulation techniques are a great way to gain more awareness around how to deal with such feelings. I hope you and Thais Gibson can have a conversation about cptsd and attachment styles
Fairy, you have taught me more in such a short time - my reaction to your video is just 'YES YES, that's ME!" I feel so seen. I love your calm, steady, non-nonsense, yet compassionate advice - you are truly the best.
This is the first time I am hearing of ‘abandonment melange’ and it resonates 100%. Thank you for sharing this. It’s definitely helpful.
Anna - your videos are a vivid treasure! They are integral in my healing journey from an emotionally abusive relationship with an avoidant. Best wishes to you.
And to all of you healing - you've got this! :)
Hi. Thank you for this. I was surprised to hear you say that blocking someone is a crappy thing to do, unless the person is a stalker. If the person is a narcissist, or otherwise abusive, blocking after ending the relationship is beneficial in order to pursue healing, in my opinion.
Thank you very much for this video. I have abandonment issues, I will now actively seek healing. I have been in an on off relationship, now I recognise the traits as Avoidant. The inspirational video has given me clarity on this relationship. Thank you.
My avoidant isn't on/of again. He is very, very consistent in my life, he doesn't pull away harshly other than basic needs for space i.e. when working, with family or some general alone time that we all need. Usually he does even speak to me during work, never closes that line. The only way he pushes me away is whenever it comes close to the discussion of commitment. He can't help himself to be around me as we love eachother's company but you can tl that he sees commitment as a threat on his freedom. He is slowly opening up more and more but whenever he feels we get too close in intimate moments (non-sexual), he will try to create a bit of emotional distance to regulate himself from the closeness because that's how he feels safe. Ironically, I feel safe when we are close, bonding and when he shows that opening up side. We are meeting up in the middle and discussing our emotional triggers, this has been helping and there is so much less conflict since we have learned to communicate in that way and heal eachother. He is just not ready, scared of commitment still.
i call it existential angst. i get this intense feeling of spinning out and being all alone to deal with the overwhelmingness of life. this pulls me back in. in the moment, though, if someone is treating me in a way that i know i don't deserve, and trying to leave, i just go into this gross fawning panic attack where i'll do anything to slow things down and get them to stay and repair in the moment. i begged my ex to stay and said i'd pay him during one of these. made me feel really gross afterwards for debasing myself like that but in the moment i would have said or done anything. and this is me *after* years of working on myself...
I blocked my ex bc he was manipulative and I was easily manipulated by him
I’ve been watching your videos for sometime now and always enjoy them! Of all the helpful things you said in this video, I have to say I really love how you pointed out that once you know the name of some thing you can deal with it better. I’ve been telling people this for years, but I phrased it like, “if you know the name of the beast, you can find it better. You can avoid showing up to a gun fight with a knife”
I wish my mother knew about this channel. As a guy who has to deal with these types of problems (avoidant issues) this channel is helping a lot. But I wish my mother would listen and learn from these videos, instead of repeating her self-destructive behaviors.
I can relate to this soo much
Thank you with all my heart for doing these videos. You are helping me to understand myself and heal and I see people coming into my life that are good for me. I thank God for you.
This video really helps a lot, hearing other people are going through the same thing somehow makes you feel less lonely and helps ease the pain. I've struggled with abandonment issues my whole life and it pains me to say that the intensity does not go away, you just become more aware of it.
Have started to deal with these strong sensations and sit in them. Holding on to myself. Previously I had reacted. But mostly just kept quiet and froze inside. But see that these triggers also come on when I am with someone who is avoidant. Have started to get a voice. Being able to speak instead of my cptsd setting it up. Because it has ruined and that I didn't dare to have a relationship either. But worked many years with myself. Began to become an adult at the age of 48. Also able to put my foot down. Started talking and having boundaries. Then I don't want to get into a relationship too quickly. For those I met. Have wanted very early. Said yes early. But learned to relearn.
Anna, this video has given clarity where there had been confusion over a past romantic partners’ behavior and the cycle of chaser-runner. So grateful for your videos!
Those good men you describe sound mythical 😧😰😭
You've probably rejected at least a couple good men. Think about it.
Dr., you are so giving and hoping you realize the amount of people who’s lives you are making a positive difference, thank you.
@@kmc1994 what is she?
She's a fellow CPTSD sufferer :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm so grateful to accidentally found you on your tube. Watched 3 video s of yours and I cried and cried and cried. Feeling my pain. My mother's pain and my daughters pain at the same time. I believe we've all been victim of history repeating itself in 3 or more generations. I feel shame. Pain. But also a great relieve and engery and rest as I watch your video s. Thank you sooo very much. Never knew that I had c ptsd until today. I've victimized my daughter and my mother victimized me. But. I know now that neither me mother or me did this on purpose. My heart is crying for my mom who passed 13 years ago. I wish I could give her a hug and say. I understand mom. I've resented my daughter for not finding me important. For not seeming to care alot for her mother. I texted her tonight as I had a light bulb moment about all of this. Sooo. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I want to watch all video s now. I need to hear way more about all of this. ❤️
So much gratitude for shedding light on the attachment style and giving tips on how to regulate it. I also practice some spiritual methods to heal my emotional wounds, so regulating doesn’t work for me during those intense moments. What worked for me is healing those abandonment wounds that were triggered by the avoidant
I think people who have grown up with neglect or abuse have an innate survival sense of discernment of when people are selfish, self centered, ignorant and basically jerks, and putting up a wall of saying 'enough' is usually late in the draw and after much emotional turmoil trying to hang onto a manipulator or user. Finding love means a person who empathizes with someone's past. No way is shutting him down when he refuses to even come to the table with basic respect is abusive. No way. It's unworkable because he's disinterested in a relationship but wants the benefit (sex), using the person vulnerable and needing genuine love. Its about conscience not capability or analysis per se, IMO. I would not shoot the wounded and above all people need to know they have the right to say someone is wrong and there are victims vs bullies or they will get messed up. Abuse of any kind is NEVER the fault of the recipient and he was as described the abuser, not her!
This is so helpful. Thank you so much.
So many unknowns people needs to go through and try to understand.
Fearful avoidant attachment (like myself) is different from anxious attachment, and the avoidant attachment style. But I see what you mean.
I have reached a point in my healing journey where I step away from avoidant people because it hurts too much, and now that I have internal and external boundaries, I don’t pour all of myself and exhaust myself to try to earn their love or prove my worth and love.
I can’t make someone love me if they don’t and/or can’t.
@@Alphacentauri819 that song is amazing, it’s always rung heartbreakingly true….
I would like to believe that my red flag detector is now stronger than ever. Or more accurately, how I had been previously conditioned to prove and earn and fawn when I sense rejection, contempt, and disdain vs step back from a place of self-respect. I have since dis-indoctrinated myself from the poison that my upbringing had poured into me.
I am never ignoring my own instincts ever again.
So did you say that you are an FA who leans more dismissive now? What’s that like?
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you 🙏 I completely agree and relate to your experiences to a nuance, even being orphaned. Except my parents were biologically mine, but kept telling me since day 1 how I am not theirs and how I should be grateful that they feed me at all, and how I must earn my keep by being useful or else. And on top of the narcissistic abuse, I also had and still have adhd, which I discovered at a heartbreakingly late age, so I was never able to form a single proper friendship. So I was always the rejected, mocked, bullied, attacked, abused, and used one both inside and outside of the house. With no one to claim me and protect me because I was too stranger to belong to anyone, regardless of how hard I tried and how much I improved myself. The stranger in fair game, unfortunately….
Emotionally unavailable parents do orphan their kids even while having them physically present, let alone parents who repeatedly reject the kids on top of that. I’m so sorry that you relate to me in that way, and that you went through that.
And I also find it so much safer to bare my heart to an internet stranger! I could never do the same in person. I’ve learnt that most people use vulnerabilities I show them to attack me. I load their gun for them with the billets of my secrets and point it to my chest for them. And I don’t want to blame myself for people hurting me ever again, so I have learnt to stay away and self-isolate for safety.
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you, I wish you to be well as well 😊 I’m really hopeful about the future for the first time in a long while right now 🤞✨ I hope you are feeling the same ♥️
It's genuinely eery how much of this video speaks directly to my last 48 hours
Wow you said something around the 14th minute that really resonated with me. And just made me tear up out of nowhere. We did what we had to do to put up and work with being isolated and mistreated. Thank you!
That is my history right there. I am in a relationship and engaged for 10 yers (Hahaha ) with an voidant man.I am by definition SPTSD and possibly ADHD , terrified to be alone. When there are stressful situations or crisis - death or illness in my family, natural disaster, moving or traveling he is terrific. He stays solid: helpfull, calm, provides logistical solutions, foots the bill, listens and gives sound advice when asked. On a day to day basis he is a log. When problems in the relationship are discussed it's a catastrophy for us both. We have resulted to not talking, not interacting , basically not relating. We are both sad, lonely and desparet for intimacy. Having had no success with several couples therapists we are now going to try individual therapy and a 12 step program for couples in recovery (Chapter9). Your videos are so so helpful, uplifting and instructional in the direction of sanity, clarity, healing and happyness ! I am relieved to shed the dogma of masculine-feminine models of the past , that ware confusing, guilt producing in me and allowed for exploitation under the pretext of spirituality. Thank you Thank you Thank you, and I wish you well!
Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This is so supportive, thank you Anna! 🤍🙏🌹
These videos have helped me put words to my experience. Thank you so much.
The description of abandonment melange.... that is exactly what I feel at times but couldnt explain it
Great video. A super hug from Brazil, from someone who has been learning a whole lot with you. Thanks a million
Thanks for commenting all the way from Brazil :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
"Boundaries- yay the "B" word!"
Anna you're so cute 😂❤️
lol
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are amazing!! So glad I found you on TH-cam! Thank you
Thank YOU.
You mention Pete Walker. I found his writing very helpful. Anyone who relates to this video could benefit from reading his writings. great video - thank you.
Abandonment melange.. Good to have a word for that feeling!
They usually don't love you. They leave when boundaries are set. Be prepared for that.
Thank you for this I’m currently experiencing this with my ex partner. I was recommended this channel and this was very informative Will be subscribing
I avoid everyone all the time. I get sad when I do bc it reminds me of how I have only had myself to rely on or believe in. I was a kid that was let to cry it out. My mother never came when I cried. I felt it then and it is still with me now at 48.
I hope I never make my kids feel this way.
This channel is very helpful and educational. Thank you for sharing your wisdom
So nice of you to comment!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hidden gem at the end: “Sometimes attraction gets threatened if it’s too safe.” That was me in my first marriage that lasted 2 days.
I'm def avoidant. Been working on being more secure. Also grateful for Anna's perspective on things. I feel less guilty about my last relationship. We had some aspects that were great but others that were unhealthy. I think our break up was a good thing. We needed to heal things separately.
Thanks for sharing!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ouch. Yup that was me. I was the runner. I did not develop the pattern until my 30's, some traumatic events made me very anxious of being attacked. I remember being upset my ex would park his car behind mine and block me in, totally just how you park in a driveway like normal people, but me feeling like he did it on purpose to trap me and I needed a means to escape at any time. Unfortunately he was dissmissive (and narcissistic) so would always dismiss me, mock me or get mad making me more upset, rather than help me out. I remember knowing it was irrational (my thoughts) and trying very hard to be calm about it when I talked to him, yet still ask can he move his car or we swap places. This was just one of many things of course, making no sense to a person not traumatized this way. It was always a "no" from him, ending in huge fights. He wanted me to see I was wrong not help me feel safer and build trust. After years like this (I know, years! Trauma bonding is for real!) I started doing the run away thing, typically when he was drinking and barraging me or breaking things. I would pack bags and really feel for sure sure I was leaving him. I was confident! Then, within minutes or hours come back. He was bonded too, so relieved I returned, but we definitely wore eachother down. I am 14 months out of the relatonship now and feel he pushed me out on purpose still, he mentioned his advantage to getting the house if I left and he hated our arguing (who wouldnt but he refused to just talk about a breakup, always ended eith the drama). It was pure hell to stay away that last time and although I know it was right, the best thing for us both, then go no contact horrible things would be said otherwise, knowing we ended up bringing out the worst in eachother.... I still miss him and just wish it didn't have to end so ugly. I see my side of the problem. I think narcissistic traits were a big problem for him of course, but some argue thats just another form of CPTSD or trauma, so if you give yourself grace give it to them too. In the end your right you need someone who has no major un-healed wounding and who is willing to work with you on your CPTSD, while you work on it yourself of course. Not someone who makes it worse for you that you get stuck in hell with making it worse for them watching eachother become horrible people. Thats the worat memory of all thinking I attributed to someone I love becoming someone they hate. Some days I blame myself for it all, some days him. Its was truly us both as a dynamic, unhealed and without any knowledge. Its very sad to lose people and love. I lost a lot of people losing him I get retraumatized trying to hangout with friends or old places, doing old things we used to do. I still break down over it sometimes the relationship itself was a bunch of trauma. He finally told me af6er breakup my behaviour affected his but it took him over a year after breakup. I have no idea why he wouldnt say that before when I would bring up his behaviour affecting me all the time. Very different attachment styles I guess!!
Hi, sorry for what you've gone through. To me it doesn't seem like you're avoidant at all, just very understandably traumatized by this horrible relationship (and probably your family first). It's only healthy to want to run away from someone who is dangerous to you. It was very normal for you to want to escape a situation of emotional and physical violence! There's a lot of information on abuse and help available, I wish you healing and happiness.
Very good, useful content, again, thank you! 💚
I have never felt so understood and seen before. I have never been described so perfect. I didn’t even know that what I experience or how I act/who I am was common or not unique to me. I thought that something was wrong with me but after watching your videos I want to start to dissect what it is from my childhood that maybe have caused this.
Welcome, I'm glad the content is resonating :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you, Anna. Abandonment Mélange. First time I have heard the term. Describes me to a T!
I am Anxious Preoccupied attachment style mainly and did the Anxious/Avoidant dance for 7 years. It was a nightmare. Unless a person with an Avoidant attachment style, or any insecure attachment style for that matter, is actively getting help and working on their core wounds, triggers and behaviors, relationships will not be healthy, functional and thriving. To be clear, no shaming of any attachment style with me or my primary teacher/psychologist. Check out The Personal Development School, Thais Gibson, on You Tube for very detailed descriptions of the different attachment styles and strategies for dealing more functionally and compassionately with all attachment styles, including our own. I find your advice on CPTSD very helpful. Since I discovered your channel, I have healed a lot and have never felt so validated and understood. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Anna!
😊💚🌿🌟
I enjoy the body of work of Briana MacWilliam on Attachment Theory. Her channel on TH-cam is amazing.
@@LoloBTiger Yes, I have listened to Brianna too.
😊💚🌿🌟
I found you off reddit. And i am very grateful ❤️ thank you so much
Wow all of this is an absolute mind opener... I know I'm not perfect in relationships but I'm willing to get better and become better so I can have a healthy relationship in the future. I have so many emotional issues from my childhood I need to deal with... but dealing with it along without an understanding person friend or just a supporter by your side is so difficult... but I'm sure I can do it.
I am definitely going to rewatch this but with a notebook at hand. This resonated with me deeply.
I am going to check out the links as I could use some strength in navigating the chapter I am now living. ❤
Thank you ❤️😊 I love these free counseling
Thank you Anna. Needed to hear this
I always think that if I can just 'make' 'earn' this person's love then I will be whole again. Of course, that never happens. You don't earn love. No one has ever 'earned' my love. I give it, often in times that I shouldn't. 47 and still learning
Thank you Anna for your work and knowledge. So helpful and wise!
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This explains so much..both in myself and experiences with others.Thank you.Sometimes we can't even see nor acknowledge our own patterns until we take a step back,calm down and do some self reflection
Thank you so much. Keep doing this work please.
Oohhhhh I needed this video. I am a year and a half out of a sham marriage with a neglectful narc. I've started talking to a guy who is making me feel feelings again, and I don't know what to do with myself. The guy has a lot of things I want and a lot of things I don't. My attachment style is fearful avoidant after lifelong abuse and trauma. I've been doing counseling and educating myself, but this guy is pulling my triggers. I don't like how it feels. My decade long situationship left me the one putting in all the work, and I'll be damned if I go into another relationship where I do it all again. The feelings are too familiar, and I still have so much work to do on myself. He has plenty too, but I don't have to worry about his. He seems satisfied with himself, and I don't have to put up with his crap in the same way he won't have to put up with mine. He is not the right person for me.
This video was great, and I know I'll be watching it a lot until the message sinks in. Thank you, Anna.
The problem with Avoidant Attachment style is that it creates ‘A-Void’. (Quote from psychology researcher Dr Robert T. Muller in “Trauma and the Avoidant client”.)
Great quote! Thanks so much for sharing!
Ashley @TeamFairy
I have ended a 12 year long painful relationship 3 years ago and I tried to work so much on myself since. but since I came across your channel I was able to see a pattern of behavior that I did not identify on my own .
I am not sure if what I have is CPTSD but I exhibit a lot of what you discuss in your videos.
My dad who used to be my idol , had a drastic change in his personality and he left our family in the worst of times and ran away with his secretary 10 years ago , I was 25 at the time. the details are too painful and had a huge impact on the entire family including myself.
I was tempted multiple times to write you but it would be 10 pages long, I don’t even know where to start from , I had so much trauma by my dad and my ex that I feel like a walking disfigured wound all the time and it is very hard for me to open up to people or ( be out there ) . I tried dating few times but I get upset and closed off when things don’t work out and it takes me a very long time to collect my courage to start again.
I am 35 years old now and it is hard for me to understand myself, I feel safe being alone and I feel happy that I don’t have this gut twisting feeling you get when you are under someone’s mercy yet I feel lonely and I crave love and the sense of protection . I am a hyper-independent person now and marriage or having kids is out of the question for me and it is not something that I would even entertain and I wonder if this is a response to trauma or if this is what I want. I don’t understand myself at all
You need to create new harmonious relations and really delete the negative ones otherwise you can't create new good ones.
Excellent presentation of attachment styles. It was kept very simple and straightforward as the subject uses compound (?) words and they are difficult to keep straight.
Glad you liked the video. Thank you for watching!
Nika@TeamFairy
Wish I had this input as a teen! Everything your saying has me going wow & omg at 51.
Greatest learning: most of the coping mechanisms that stand in my way, now as an adult, are coming from situations i could not talk through💡.
As a child, i never had someone that listened to me. My body talked (posture) my grades talked, i often had no words for what happened to me in the social dynamic and when i started to talk, to paint a picture of what happened with the words i had, my parents felt hurt and couldn't stand to see me that unhappy. They didn't want to hurt me and came up with ideas for quick solutions of those symptoms. Never truly listened to me. That left me ashamed and with the information it is my fault. In school, as my grades are bad and my books and stuff got broken i am not dump so i have to be lazy and not caring enough. Nope, stressed out and dissociative. My school materials got used as football by my classmates.
With my bad posture: its my fault that people bully me if i always watch to the flor. Turn around. As the bullying have been organized in school and went from kindergarten over more that a decade, my posture changed. Where is the hole to hide in? Today my body keeps talking. My muscles hold an intense and painfull tension. I try to listen. But since i never learned it, i try and if i die trying. I will never give up.
As a person who had no possibility to talk about those things i am gratefull to learn words and precise terms or sentences for this. Thank you so much for your work Anna and that you share so much for free 🙏 Due to my body response to stress from 1 doing something for or with someone. 2 In order to get something done so it can be seen 🕳️. And 3 measured, it is (now) not possible for me to work. If i do my body collapses. So money is a real issue. And i have to do small steps. Started with the daily technique a year ago, as it have been established and i could put money aside, i invested in learning meditation properly, saving money and now doing the dating course to address my relationship reactivities, that hold me back in the well known isolation. Maybe healing out of isolation even helps me to handle the social aspect of work and when i give it a new try some day i can work and stay healthy. Step by step. One after the other. May god bless you, Anna. What you do matters a lot to me and when more people are less reactive there will be more peace, more heaven on earth, at least there is more peace and heaven in myself after i started my journey with your writing and meditation technique. Lots of love ❤️
Omg I can relate to this so much I hold pain in my body due to triggers
"Abandonment mélange" I finally have a name for it now. Thank you.
"Abandonment Melange". Who knew? What an eye opener!
Thank you anna for this topic ❤👍i found it very helpful