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How Abandonment Wounds Trick You Into Staying With People Who Mistreat You
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ส.ค. 2024
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If you grew up emotionally neglected, you may have learned to ignore and override clear information that someone is mistreating you. At first you feel hurt and angry when they do it; you try to set a boundary and pull away. But soon, this other part of you starts making you think that it’s YOU who’s the bad one -- that you’re just expecting too much, or you’re being too unforgiving, or you're just making trouble where there isn’t any trouble. THAT is how abandonment wound can distort your thinking and trap you in terrible situations. You CAN heal. In this video I respond to a letter from a single mother in a long-term dating relationship with a man who is dismissive and occasionally cruel. Hear my advice on how to STOP going back to him, and restart her life.
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I'm so glad that you mentioned 12 step programs. In Al-Anon (for friends and families of alcoholics and/or drug addicts), we work the same steps as the AA's, but we work them on alcoholism, people, situations while the AAs (Alcoholics Anonymous) work them on alcohol. I came in 34 years ago with three littles. People helped me with them by keeping them on their laps during the meeting - I also brought coloring books and colors and books so that the kids could keep themselves pretty much entertained too. I made lifelong friends who understand; we help each other in a way that isn't enabling but loving. I so hope that the writer of the letter finds such treasure too. BTW, my kids soaked it in too and that background has helped them in their lives too.
My experience too :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
Your interpretation of these situations are excellent and I think spot on. The experts cannot tell you the whole truth bc they are basically limited by the agreements they made when they received their degree and certifications. So refreshing to hear the naked truth.
A good friend (who happens to be a psychiatrist) was talking about this pattern with me. Here's how he scripted it for the two sides of this dynamic: " I need you, so it doesn't matter how you treat me". For the other person it is " I don't need you so it doesn't matter how I treat you."
It hit me like a punch.
Wow!!! That made me cry.
Wow. That just hit me like a ton of bricks also.
Wow. That just hit me like a ton of bricks also.
Damn
Amen
“Grieving the hope of a wonderful future…a future that was never going to be…”
So true.
This hits like a punch to the gut 🥹
Yes, stay away. It is difficult to accept that someone really does not care. They really do not care. We should expect healthy behavior from others in our lives.
Yes for many of us with cptsd is very difficult to accept that someone so close to us does not care. I had no clue on how to deal in this type of situations and was blaming them or myself for failure even tho there were many red flags... But like this lady from the letter my abandonment issues and cptsd was taking control of my mind and decisions making
Key point here. The difficulty, (or for some, straight up denial) to accept that your outlook may be incorrect, will keep you in chains.
@@andziagreen4922sorry, but can I ask why is it difficult to accept? I have cptsd and I don't think I ever had any problem accepting that some people are bad, some people are mentally ill, and sometimes people don't love their close family members. Can you describe your feelings when you find it difficult to accept those things?
Fear of separation. I have it. It is not the fear of beeing alone, but separation, breakin up with somebody makes me very anxious
wow yes me too...
Separation anxiety
Same here🙋♂️
As an autistic, I don't really think he is. He just didn't care.
Some abusive man are like that, when it comes to their partners, they become blind to anything. They just don't see their partners as people.
Very true!
Also autistic, also speculating, but my gut says he’s just a dick.
They operate without conscience or empathy. It's a chilling thing.
Yes, a neglectful narcissist more likely.
Yes I think not caring is the main issue. Although it sounded to me a little like Cassandra syndrome. I have experienced similar behavior from my neurodivergent ex. I think when you have autism, social skills don’t come naturally so you can struggle to understand the people around you. Also hyper independence and rigid thinking - it felt like my ex thought everyone should be like him and not need any emotional support or validation. It’s important to acknowledge how these traits can become self destructive so anyone with them can learn to grow wether you are neurodivergent or not.
Wow! You dodged a bullet girl! Good for you standing up for your child.
Thanks for your encouraging comment! Julie@TeamFairy
A lot of women finally leave when they see their abuser coming for their children, which they always do.
Put yourself in your child's position how people treat you! Protect your son always!
Six kids with four different women would be a red flag for me...
It would be a “flag down everybody died there’s nothing here go home” for me 😂
Most definitely. I doubt that he was any better with all those women.
Absolutely I would had done a runner 💨🏃♀️
I just forgot what happened. Used an app (moodtrack) to keep track how I felt. Only when looking in the app I could see how bad it was. That was what I needed to leave.
What app I need that.
I literally used to write in a journal daily about how I was feeling and what was happening each day - it’s true once abandonment melange kicks in you forget all bad even the whole rationale so I had to reread the journal to remember it was good to stay away. It’s crazy how creative my brain got in order to give me best reasons to get back together. That journal was my life saver
@@friedgreentomatoes5054 moodtrack.
I could really use that. I forget over time too.
I write all things in diary and sudenly when I look it up it was wow what have I been through. Always keep track of your emotions. Thanks for sharing this app 😊😊
We've all got to recognize that if we had a crappy childhood that we are sick. Our codependent problems, poor self esteem, and our icky sticky neediness...attracks people who don't play well together with us. We can't blame anyone for miserable feelings or relationship unhappiness....normal people only hang out with people who they are happy to be with. I have severe CPTSD, borderline PD and bipolar depression. I'm on lots of medication for my (severe) mental health issues....and I am relieved to focus only on my healing. For the first time in 59 years I do not have a partner or a boyfriend or a husband...and I've had many relationships...too many of them. What a mental health relief to feel strong and happy enough to be alone and to stay away from people who don't "get me", or who I don't understand. Please work on your own mental health so that you don't suffer anymore relationships with people who don't suit you. ❤❤❤💖💖💖
Yes! And that’s especially true for people with children. The children are helpless in the rotating wheel of crappy partners cycling through their caregivers’ lives.
Excellent advice. I agree, for now focus on your healing Allison.
Oh my goodness it took me almost sixty to finally to be alone peacefully!! WHAT A PAINFUL EMOTIONAL LIFE!! I WAS DEFINITELY MENTALLY SICK!! I TOOK MORE ABUSE THEN SEVERAL PEOPLE COULD TAKE!! I had no self value no self esteem or self confidence!! I DO FINALLY ENJOY BEING ALONE!! IM JUST SO HEARTBROKEN THE ENERGY THE HELL I WENT THROUGH TO HAVE SOMEONE!! NOW I LOOK BACK AND THINK MY GOD WHAT WAS WRONG WITH. E!!
Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me,i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her.
He's not autistic, he just doesn't give a f@&k and doesn't want the bother of listening to her feelings or being held accountable. Giving the impression he doesn't understand is just more palatable than giving the impression he simply does not care.
I’m afraid emotionally abusive people will start claiming autism in droves.
Let's not forget this stupid phrase that some older women will haunt you with, such as " You know, he's a good earner, he's nice looking, and someone else will catch him ( a good catch), or " You're getting older, and you need to take what you can get!" You're over 40 with a child! Men don't want that, so just be careful".
This is the self-deprecating crap that kept me in SEVERAL shitty relationships. You're actually better off getting OUT of that. But yes you'll have to be careful with money. Better than feeling like a slave!
Yes totally agree with you my mother wasted years with my father
Let someone else catch him. Good for her! If she had any self worth, she'd leave.
This letter from Alison was so well expressed, i felt i was right there in the same restaurant, with this man. I've been in this situation, with this kind of person. The tipping point came when he was abusive to your son. Thank goodness you woke up, and you made such a dignified exit. I've learned how to do so myself now, thanks to you. You've got self respect. Bravo
Thanks for your encouraging words! Julie@TeamFairy
Indeed, she's a great story teller 📜 🖋️
❤
So agree and so proud of you for seeing that your son did not deserve such treatment and finally....You Do Not Either....
Since I discovered you I haven't been able to watch one of your videos without tearing up, I feel so understood , like you are explaining me to myself. At 52 I thought I had healed so much, but really I think i have just learned to survive without getting close to anyone so I don't get triggered. I think I'm really lonely but I didnt realize it. Thank you
I'm so glad you found the channel. We understand as few others can and we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
The end of this video really helped me. I keep wondering why I keep attracting the same kinds of people when I’m finally ready for my love story. It’s the trauma still running the show.
You’re not attracting them. You are attracted to them.. make sense ?
@@coachjoshuajoneslike when we say we're attracting them it's self-blame?
@@coachjoshuajones yes it does
@@sweetpeaLp7 yes and no.
Before i explain. Let me add that there is no “love story” that’s magical thinking that comes from our CPTSD.
Relationships take work and both parties have to be committed to growing together where problem solving becomes a regular thing. Anna has many videos about this.
As for us being attracted to toxic people. It’s because of our codependency, low self worth, among many other things.
Most of us grew up in dysfunctional homes where we learned all the wrong ways to be in a healthy relationship and we have attachment issues as a result.
Like attracts like. If we aren’t healthy and healed, we will be attracted to someone who’s not healthy or healed. Codependents are usually attracted to toxic-narcissistic people. A recipe for very abusive relationships.
A very profound statement was delivered to me.
“It’s all my fault”. (And not in a shaming way). But consequences are a result of our choices. If we get into a relationship with an unhealthy person it’s because we chose to ignore or weren’t self aware enough to see the red flags. So yes. It is our fault.
@@coachjoshuajones okay, so it sounds like when you're moving from your trauma you draw in more of that energy. Got it!
The Senior Pastor of a church I attended for 6 months had no clue saying horribly insulting things to people was hurtful. He apologized once claiming he struggles to understand how other people could feel. I don't attend that church anymore. Thanks for pointing this out. People are crazy these days.
Wow😮...that's scary.
A lack of empathy (check the definition) is a primary trait if a NARCISSIST. Empathy is a key trait as a Pastor, a shepherd of Gods flock. So glad you got out of there. Although we are NOT to forsake the assembling together it's important to make sure it's in the RIGHT place.
I hope you are well❤
Thanks so much for this. For myself I find I no longer stay in relationships once I see these kinds of behaviors... I still give a few chances but then I also quietly observe and when I am clear that this person is toxic for me I am gone! Good for you to stand up for your child and good for you for really seeing what is there and not what you wish was there! God bless everyone on this channel. So grateful for Anna!!!!
Had this with some work colleagues!
I work with kids on the autism spectrum and that man is not on the spectrum. He can read a room and he saw her when she froze. That’s totally what he wanted her to feel. He his just an emotionally abusive men. My daughter’s boyfriend is on the spectrum and he sees the world differently from my daughter and me. But in no way he is abusive.
It’s been years since I left and the wound still opens up and asks me if I’m SURE I’m not the one who was being abusive and cruel,especially since I’m the one who left… but it gets easier and easier to tell it to STFU.
A Narcissist would never stop and ask themselves those kinds of questions.
So just by your self reflection you have proven that you are not the bad guy. 😊❤🎉
Done this many times, and more recently detached from a person and accepted it for what it is. We still talk from time to time, but I no longer look for what isn’t there and have set concrete boundaries. It is hard to let go when there is nothing waiting on the other side however I have peace and that’s a win.
That's a huge win!
-Cara@TeamFairy
He doesn’t seem artistic, he seems narcissistic! He knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t want to be accountable for it!! And in that conversation about her son, he made that very clear! 🤯 he so reminds me of a guy I dated 🤢. Even down to how Anna says he’s robotic! I used to tell him that all the time.
Way to go, Alison! We're rooting for you! You've made the right decision, a great step towards healing. I love the lioness mother within you!!!
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Such a sweet comment! Totally agree 😊
This man sounds SO much like my ex, minus all the kids. I have CPTSD from an abusive childhood, and abandonment issues. Hearing this story really helps.
I'm so glad it was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Goooo Alison! Feels so good to hear one of us follow through with their gut and take charge.
Right?! Thanks for taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Darling Allison, GOOD FOR YOU. I am SO proud of you girl. keep moving forward, mama lioness
Thanks for sharing this encouragement!
Julie@TeamFairy
There is nothing wrong in expecting to get back what you put in i feel ,that is what makes a good relationchip ,if we can not depend on eachother there is nothing there .
I agree too ❤
Such clarity, Fairy, when we aren't able to see through the fog.
I'm attending my first SLAA meeting tonight and, with a very nice note, ended a 7-year limerant "friendship" with a truly good, decent guy whom I knew was never, ever going to be available. It's been a true confidence builder. Thank you, Fairy.
🎉🎉🎉
Good for you! Thank you for telling us. Julie@TeamFairy
He said at one point that he doesn't want to be held accountable. I think that applies to many areas of his life in general. He doesn't WANT to understand how his words affect her and her son, because he is afraid to take responsibility for it. Its easier for him to just walk away or tell someone to leave. He also said that part about everyone being alone. So he seems to be sad and irresponsible at the same time, which makes it really hard to emotionally support others, so he just won't do it. Thats what it seems to me.
Well done Allison for following your gut on this, sticking up for your sweet boy, and refusing to put up with that awful guy. I know there were some good times and you cared about him but you also get to have someone care about you, which he did not.
Thank you for your hard work. When I finally surrendered my “reasons” I was left with myself. I didn’t change, over time I stopped doing what was blocking my growth and causing unhappiness. I unearthed my true self and became for myself what I thought i needed from others. Eventually saying no to ego based reactions and replacing them with love empathy and boundaries has peeled away the many acts for survival that no longer worked. I survived and life is giving back so much. Be humble or be humiliated. Breakdowns are really break throughs!! Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.
That guy didn't have any empathy at all. He was just using you. Peorid.
It's taken me 6 months of cutting contact with my family to reach the point where I no longer feel the need to check in on them, send an email or pick up a phone and call. I'm a little shocked that it's taken me so long, particular when the realization of just how badly I was neglected hit me so frigging hard.
I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that not only are both my parents likely narcissistic but my older sister is too. My oldest sister learned to use me to get attention from the parents, what a good bigger sister, taking care of your baby sister. I spent years with my sister been the only real parent I had, looking after me and giving me attention so that the parents gave her attention and praise. Losing my sister has actually been harder for me then leaving the parents.
I haven't had much contact with my brother since he gave up his life, family and everyone around him for his wife, I assume he's a people pleaser like me but it's been years since I've had much to do with him.
Having to kick out a roommate but I act like I want to get a beer with him on a weekly basis, whereas in reality I hope I never see him again
I am so happy to see that she cared and protected her child.My mom never did this for me with my dad.
Im so proud of you for leaving, I suffered for 19yrs did not have the courage to get out.
10:55 This was the victory moment I almost cried. In this story well Done for your son!! Being a kind mother❤
I just been in a friendship that left me freeze mode few times, he'd be angry and I was left feeling I'm bad one. If she wants to speak maybe we could help each other. I left 5 weeks ago but was pushed I'm feel the abandonement. He blocked me.
Not kissing someone goodbye has zero to do with autism. Tired of hearing that label banded about.
It does occur in many relationships when one person has autism. The people suffering from the neglect hate it too. Not talking about bad behaviors that people with autism share is not doing them or their SO's any favors. It needs to be talked about, not shamed because "autism".
Thank you!!! I’ve been to therapy a lot in my adult life, trying to heal from childhood trauma which has wrecked havoc in my life. At 50, I am so tired of awful relationships which make me feel lonely and abandoned, now I’m ok to just be alone. I know deep down I still want to be in a loving and equal relationship, but I need to change my pattern. I just stumbled across you yesterday… and you have made more sense than any therapist I’ve worked with. I’m so grateful to hear you. What a gift ❤
I feel you. ❤
I need more of your information. This is helping me a lot. They make you feel like everything is your fault.
There is so much more! www.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
Much of the discussion is centered around facts not so relevant to me personally, yet I’m still learning about the methodology of self-assessment and improvement. I’m ready for the free course and will strongly effort to complete this weekend. The Freeze response and self isolation are too huge barriers I’m moving out of my way. I’m now dealing with gangs, destroying my property where I live and I’m moving forward with all the recommendations of the police. So many of us just wanna live in peace and so many others just wanna pray upon us for their own sense of self being. Thank you so much for this channel and for your emails thank your entire team and thank your family. You’ve become a hero, probably around the world.
As an autistic, I don't think he is an autistic. He can't read yes, but once people tell you it's bad, the affective empathy comes
We don’t know. I agree with Anna that he is likely neurodivergent. A person can be on the spectrum AND also a total douche. Depends on the upbringing- like anyone else.
I have set boundaries with a church leader who simply ignores every boundary that I set. He thinks that its his duty to take decisions for me. Some 'know' what this person is like. Others simply just 'play along'. My only 'long term' option is to leave. This individual has 'totally destroyed' a church and turned it into a 'personality cult' all based around himself and 'his' opinions. These individuals are totally toxic and never ever stop 'loving' themselves. You set the highest 'barriers' possible. Next Sunday is going to be another day of more 'exaggerations' and nonsense 'fool talk'. The minister is 'on vacation' so 'when the cats away, the covert naracist will play he mind games over and over and over. Thanks for this video.
I don't have this problem out of ignorance. Rather, those abusive relationships always have a serious power imbalance, usually involving money - a spouse, landlord, boss, etc. You put up with the abuse because you don't have any other options.
You said the silent part out loud
It's an important point that is 'not supposed to be talked about'. Like an invisible wall of futility
You are a very wise woman. I am learning so much from you. Thank you for opening my eyes and showing me I am not crazy
I don't feel that he's not neurotypical. I feel like he just doesn't care, and feigns "not understanding", they depersonalize others. Dear Allison, applause to you for standing up for your child & realizing that you don't deserve that treatment either. Now, continue your good work & continue to honor yourself and your child. I'm here with you, having left abusive relationships, doing the work. Sending loving support.❤
YES - good work, Allison! Sometimes when we stand up for others who are truly defenseless, it gives us insights and "permission" to stand up for ourselves. When I tried to stand up for myself as a child, I would often be slapped in the face for "talking back". Even today, I sometimes flinch inside, expecting a backlash when I stand up for myself. But, each time, it gets a little easier. It is worse to be with an unfeeling person than to be alone. Yes, 12-step programs can be very helpful--anonymous and non-judgmental, and it's not just about you getting advice from others---you can heal when you have insights to share that might help someone else. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!" ~ Winnie-the-Pooh {{HUGS}}
Thank you so much for this great comment and encouraging words! I also experienced that exact kind of abuse when standing up for myself as a child. Wild how such parents will do and even say the same abusive things, word-for-word like they have a playbook. Great insight about healing through service in support fellowships, too.
Julie@TeamFairy
I am sitting crying because I've just let go of an unattainable man who just couldnt. The feeling of separation anxiety, the massive emotions & dysregulation are horrific. I hate that others have been hurt but I'm so glad there are people who understand. & breathe
I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling right now. We're all sending you support and encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy that's so very kind. Thank you Calista x
Yes, my son used to do homework and eat his breakfast in a huge room with plenty of lighting while I was in a 6:30 am mtg. It took a while before he understood that the Lord’s Prayer did not end with “keep coming back,
It works.” 😂😮❤❤😅 & it did work. No alcohol since 1994 for me
Wow, that's great! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Good job and don't worry too much if possible, it took me a long time but I finally got the right one for me, you could also find the right person. but even if you don't, just keep working on yourself and good things will come. I wish you and your son all the best of luck and congrats for taking the steps that you have!
Thank you Fairy ❤
You are a real master fairy 🌟⭐️
May I say enlightened masters like Eckhart tolle say our reaction determines what happens next and we perpetuate the cycle by reacting. And also that we chose it. I'm understanding it all now as I heal more but I tried soo hard with some friends because they were genuinely lovely people. My wounds kicked in I know he did not mean to be hot n cold. It started hurting me. I tried so hard not to let it get to me. When I brought it up gently and tried respectfully but he would shame me and what I thought gaslight.i don't chose they come after me.
Yes, I experienced and tolerated this type of mis treatment and blamed myself for not 7 months but off and on for over 5 years. It was so sticky and became what I believe was a trauma bond. I started healing and was able to escape though I made amends to the person for my behavior which in hindsight was actually healthy anger in defense of the emotional abuse. I'm so glad she opened her eyes if even because of her child. May she grow to protect herself as much as she protects her child. 🙏
Thank you for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
He treated her badly because he is not interested in her.
You can not be interested and still not treat somebody horribly.
As a person married to a neurodiverse man for decades, I clearly recognize autistic traits and this man clearly demonstrates a lack of emotional intelligence. ND people also do not have insight into their behavior because of “mind blindness” - they can’t see what needs to be changed in themselves and they will deflect and blame the other person all the time. However, being autistic does not mean it’s okay for the person to be emotionally abusive. Like me, Allison is used to emotionally unavailable people because that’s what we experienced in childhood and so our brains are drawn to emotionally unavailable people. I used to work with women in domestic violence situations and it was hard for them to recognize emotional abuse but when it was finally directed to their kids, they did what you did and left. Kudos to you, Allison, for walking away from this man a final time. {Hugs}.
🙏🏻💙Thanks for this Anna, and well done Alison for walking away!
Wish I could see you all at London Sat but I’m sorting out my marriage which has left me exhausted- staying with my son. Gutted and wish I could go.. love from Wales 🙏🏻💙 x x
I’m glad to say after watching your videos for a few years now I’m no longer like this. I know realize I have no feelings for the men from the past it was codependency
Wow, glad to hear about your progress! Strong work. Julie@TeamFairy
Even worse, since childhood, I have openly accepted blame for wrongs I did not commit, it was the way I was raised and those that maltreated me have used this against me-as justification to maltreat me more.
Same ❤️
It sounds like his heart is completely closed.
Absolutely love these "story time's" and analysis ! Helps me a lot as I can relate
Thirty years of leaving and coming back that I finally ended 13 years ago. It's never easy when those we love let us down in such horrible ways due to whatever it may be that ails them. The damage done to so many others, along the way, who are indirectly affected, is my only regret. Unfortunately, some things are out of our control and it's very easy to make the mistake of taking on the responsibilty for those failures as our own. This is not to say we don't play a vital role and must take some of the responsibility onto ourselves but that is all part of the human condition. People will only treat you as badly as you let them & understanding this is half the battle. Peace.
I meant to add that outward appearances became important in childhood so that carries into adulthood. I just gave myself permission to leave a job that looks like a dream on the outside looking in , but I was really a 4 digit employee number on the inside of the company. I'm moving to a position in another company after 10 years and the change aspect is more daunting than any other aspect. I have this 👌
I love this letter.. thank you for sharing, I know this feeling so well - everything inside screams that something is off, that I am invisible for the person but then the brain starts playing tricks - no, it´s me not them.. magical addiction to abusers.. so beautiful that, thanks to your child, you could ´´go out from yourself´´ and observe the situation from a distance, from a true love perspective, I had a similar situation with a guy abusing my dog, I left him instantly the moment he hit her but I couldn´t leave him before when he was talking down to me, telling me how to dress, laughing at my dreams etc.
THIS IS SUCH A COMMON STORY, I HEAR IT EVERYDAY, LOADS OF MEN AND WOMEN GO THRU IT, ITS CALLED LIFE EXPERIENCE, AND IF YOU COME FR ABUSIVE FAMILY IT HAPPENS AND MUCH, MUCH WORSE!
When beginning to understand why it's been so hard to leave this most recent relationship.
Way too complicated to explain it all here. But this video really helped me see My own choices and behavior more clearly.
Thank you Anna.
Perhaps one day I'll even write to you.
I'm so glad the video was helpful, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This also explains why so many of us stay in dead end crappy jobs instead of allowing change in our professional lives.
Really good advice… I absolutely love your channel…. 🌸
The face you chose for your thumbnail is PRICELESS... Like, "There is so much I want to say and will not, but I am about to say SOMETHIN'. "
Haha, glad you like it! -Calista@TeamFairy
Sometimes not being able to let people go and continuing to go back is also spiritual and people need deliverance... demons cast out of them in the name of Jesus...to be able to close the door for good. This is my testimony...
100% soul tie
Demons love to see good people suffer; they try to corrupt people so they can control them through shame and guilt.
OMG.. this is me!
This topic is so useful
You’re so strong for finally leaving him. Pls don’t go back to him. If not for you but for your son. ❤
The thing about the guy seeing her as the blame for everything because she has trauma is a red flag in itself. A guy who doesn’t respond immediately with empathy and compassion towards your plight has his own dysfunction to contend with.
I don’t read this as autistic - I read this as someone that sees people in their lives as objects to use for their needs and are replaceable.
That could’ve lasted 7 years. She did great
Hey fairy, yer hair looks great long like this👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼. I guess all I’ve been watching are the old videos.
I just realised through this video that my last straw to going no contact with my narcissistic mother was when she was talking extremely insensitively about my autistic son. It's been over one year and she didn't even try one time to get in contact with her grandchildren. Looking back it's very interesting to remember how my autistic son never looked her in the eye when we were still in contact. Of course, that's normal in his case but as his parent I obviously see a tremendous difference in how he behaved towards her to how he did with pretty much anyone else. He didn't even trust her as a toddler and that's saying something. Kids are masters at detecting when something is off (at least when it's not their primal caregivers where there a different dynamics at play), we should be very mindful of their judgement.
Allison, he's a dipstick looking for a car. Your response (freeze) was natural. Your body's telling you the truth. ❤️🍀
I’m confused. Why would telling someone kindly that they talk too loud hurt their feelings? I’d want someone to tell me especially in a public setting as it’s common courtesy to be considerate to people around you.
The way her boyfriend did it was clearly to humilitate her. Key is always how you critique someone. But great video😊
Gosh, i'm so relating with Allison... like many people here i read, hugs from Belgium. yes the freeze respons...
Clearly a push/pull Dismissive Avoidant & Fearful Avoidant relationship, with narcissistic personality disorder on the DA side. With his violent verbal outbursts this could have become physically violent at some point, and was abusive regardless.
Write everything down so that your head and heart cannot reason out of abuse, especially in situations where it slowly climbs in frequency.
As an autistic woman, I guarantee you that autistic experience relates more to the writer, questioning herself all the time, than to the boyfriend's actions. What I read between lines is that he might _say_ he doesn't understand, but he just doesn't want to be bothered; that "I don't understand" thing doesn't sound literal, it sounds like a brush off. He seems terribly avoidant, and a person like that tend to perceive any need from a partner as clinginess. I had a boyfriend like this, he even told me that exact same phrase "If you don't like it, you're free to leave", and like Allison, I stayed, wondering if *I* was the problem and playing nice girl for two more years.
So, to anyone reading, please notice that a good partner will try their best for you to be happy, no matter if they're neurodivergent or not. And yes, some ND's can be mean, but that behaviour is not inherent to our condition; you can tell our true intent in our reaction when you talk about what bothers you (just don't assume we should already know what's wrong).
Unbelievable, how long it takes people to figure out that some asshole is NOT WORTH IT. If it's because of having low self-esteem, you can have that low self-esteem, if in fact you have it, and heal it over time, and still get RID of assholes.
I'm curious what your opinion would be on the possibility of him pretending to not understand how she's feeling. Maybe in order to not be accountable for the effort needed to comfort her?
But weren't those clothes something she gave to his little girl? She didn't give them to him like that. I could not involve the little girl in any of the situation, if I could help it. She might feel really confused and hurt by finding them gone. Ohh we humans, sigh. I never exempt myself there too.
Yeah this really bothered me. Based on the writer's apparent entitlement to steal from a kid, I suspect that there's more to this story, and that her behaviors have been destabilizing and upsetting her ex-boyfriend for a while.
Not bashing the writer. I've been her, i subscribe to CCF for a reason! But this particular situation is not as clear cut an "abusive narcissist vs abused innocent" situation as many others have been.
The clothes were supposed to be paid for - except I never received any money for them. That’s why I took them back. He is a rich man with 4 houses and a brand new electric car, I am a student and a single mom in a rented appartment. He would brag about his wealth all the time. The clothes were my son´s, I keep them because I do wish for more children. I just gave them so many presents - I was totally overgiving and doing way too much in that relationship. He basically just wanted a nanny and a housekeeper that would also sleep with him. He did not actually care about me. I felt used. I totally do not regret taking them back.
Looking forward to Saturday in London
Yay! Thanks for coming! -TeamFairy
He sounds like my ex. After the emdr and therapy i got after getting out, it became clear he was in the DSMV category: at least narcissistic but leading towards psychopathy. He displays a lot of signs. Take care and great decision. It was also my daughter I was able to make the decision for!!
Always do this smdh
Stayed married to a physical abuser for 22yrs
I then moved to a guy who carries alot of this guys traits but is also a narcissist. Ive expressed to him that i dont like his abusive ways and just as this guy does to her, he dismisses my feelings. I left 3 or 4Xs and keep going back. Now, im 13 yrs in, and this relationship is everything a love affair is not supposed to be. We're more like roommates. No imtacy (for 10yrs now) no partnership or teammate vibe-- in fact hes dead weight. Im stuck trying to lug me and him both thru the rest of my life. I never feel good or even just ok inside. Idk how im gonna make it. Iwt be happy! I want a mate! Ive not done enough wrong-- if u combine every single ugly thing ive ever done in my entire life-- combine all of those things together-- they still do not add up to THIS being the appropriate punishment! Smh i cant or wont leave and stay gone! He isnt gonna not be a narcissist in this lifetime!! Smh my past shows-- i dont stay gone, i always feel like i abandon him-- and bcuz i experienced severe lonliness during my divorce, (and idwt ever feel that again ) and he has felt abandoned after every relationship hes ever had (including his parents dumping him off at a fostercare family and never returning) i go back to this misery. Idr ever being as miserable before....there is no lite at the end of the tunnel. Uaually, altho its distant-- i can see the lite at the end of the tunnel-- even if it IS a fire!! Lol theres still lite! Theres no lite in this situation....nothing!
I feel too bad when i leave...especially when i return-- sure i feel bad for him while im gone but MAN!! that overwhelming disappointment i feel for going back....is much worse than feeling the fear of lonliness along w the guilt of abandoning him.
Me letting myself down is worse than my guilt for leaving..however i forget that until i return. If iht leave again-- i think id benefit if i blocked out the guilt related to abandoning him and focus on how horrible and spineless i feel when i let myself down.
This relationship sux! Idwt feel stuck like i feel
Things can and will get better, you want to be happy, strive towards that goal. If people in these comments care enough to want to see you out of that unhappiness, like I do, it's because I can see you need to put yourself first and change this situation, there's plenty of people who care about you, people like me, and there will be others who care too who see your comment, we're only as alone as our minds allow us to be... Reach out, make change happen, we hold ourselves back ❤
WOW!! HOW SPOT ON. I totally understand her situation with a few difference's. Huge hugs❤ I left like this and it was Not Easy at all but Necessary for my growth. I seen the alcohol use every day, never physical but said some unforgiving words that he doesn't remember "?" that I didn't tell him so hopefully it was just a mistake. I had said plenty about plenty to him and thought I was being heard yet, I was unheard. I love him dearly but I know longer want to be the only giver to the greater good. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼.
Dearest, I send you love and GOD'S blessing. May you live happily and have good people in your life.
Oceans of blessings y'all
She helped him and he did not help her. That is the bottom line. A lot of men get in a hyper overly vigilant mode when there is not love for long periods and a woman can break through that. If within the story she had not shown to be helpful I would have been a little bit suspicious but she showed she was there for him and they still could not connect. It’s hard but must move on.
How can a woman break through that? This sounds like me. Wondering if there's something else I could do.
Wow, thank you for sharing this story. Very eye opening and similar experiences. So grateful the writer was able to be courageous for her son. Sometimes we need our inner goddess to show up for someone else that we care about, before we can find our self compassion. ♥️ 😊
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Never thought of a 12-step program! Not addict myself, but daughter of. Other parent was covert narcissist. Thank you!
Yep, Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families, Codependents Anonymous, many to choose from with online or in-person meetings. Thanks for your comment!
Julie@TeamFairy
Horray!!, for choosing to block !! 😼👏👏🎉🎉
wow... you nailed it 100% for me!!! THANK YOU!!
So glad! TeamFairy
It is possible that someone like that might be on the spectrum, but it's also possible he is simply a narcissist. My experience with narcissists is that while they may recognize others are hurting, they may not *care* about that fact or feel motivated to react in any way that validates or acknowledges it. Sometimes they use neutrality, deflection, and "oh ok that explains, it, you've got major issues" to sidestep any accountability in interpersonal interactions. Society tosses around the term to excess so it's understandable to avoid doing so. But in listening to this, it seems to me like a lot of this behavior is consciously done to effect, which isn't something autistic folks generally do. Guile and deception are things more native to abusers. I hope that Alison hears what you've said and takes it to heart. She *should* be proud of having gotten free of this guy. He's a garbage pail human and she deserves so much better. It's wonderful that she recognized this and left him.
Now that we understand the “why” we do the things we do, do you have any advice on how to take the steps to move away from that? What green flags or red flags should we look for in the future?
Yup. Married him. Huge mistake, retraumatized.