“I’m not yelling. You are.” When they started the yelling but once you’re yelling they are suddenly “calm…” also won’t stop until they’ve completely made you lose your shit and you give up
A friend of mine including myself in two different situations with ex-girlfriends of ours had them use this tactic of, "Why are YOU YELLING AT ME?" The next thing you know, the argument is not about the wrongdoings but instead about how we supposedly yelled at them even though we didn't. (This is Narc 101.. whether it's a full-blown NARC or it's someone acting narcissistic)
@cortneyellyn3233 if you're aware of what's going on, and staying... it's time to be single and do your work for yourself. Study why you stay so you can leave quickly if you date another person w these tendencies. Hope you're okay
My father would do this to me growing up. We would eat dinner together every night while watching the news. He would take that opportunity to taunt me while expressing the most vile, racist and misogynistic views. My brother was nine years older than me and also enjoyed tormenting me. When I would finally react to his/their vile words, my whole family would gaslight me and say that I was overreacting. I never registered it at the time, but I remember looking over to my dad and seeing that “smirk” creep across his face, in total satisfaction. I never knew what reactive abuse was until lately, but this is definitely what I experienced my entire life, with every interpersonal interaction I’ve had with my father.
Once you realize these dynamics, one can work toward building boundaries. Build them on your own. Don’t share your journey with them! It can get better…or leave. Stay strong. We do have to ultimately own our own behavior no matter what people do. Be assertive, not aggressive.
I needed this video, incredibly validating to my life experience. My wife convinced me I needed to be on antidepressants, and now she gets to say “your the one one pills”. One of many, nasty example that have gotten worse lately.
Thank you so much. I think when you're co-dependent (like myself) this makes you extra vulnerable to experience "being pushed to the edge" and then react with angry words etc. And after every incident always being blamed for the situation and the only one who is 'not well' and needs help. To me it's almost impossible to escape from this pattern and love myself enough.
I am in a situation where I am the one saying that the emotional abuse is not ok and he needs help (but thats after hours of him telling me im the problem but Im not the kind of girl to ever let it be my problem and I will go back and forth with him trying to convince him why im not the problem, though i will admit staying and arguing is a problem since it is pointless and goes nowhere but get me really upset physically and mentally, but if i just leave it alone, he will never see it the right way either, but why do i torture myself and feel i have to teach this man empathy and how to not be abusive?). Sometimes I think he has autism, not NPD which can be similar which i think is why I stay. He loves to invalidate my feelings and laugh and scoff at me when I have totally predictable and reasonable emotions. Like he cannot handle any negative feedback ever, or even when its not about him directly. I'm not a negative or bitchy person either. But sometimes I might get disappointed about a situation. But he wants everything to be sunshine and rainbows all the time and its so fake. Like negative emotions are okay to feel sometimes, and usually there is an easy resolve, especially if i feel heard and my feelings validated. Unfortunately, instead of having a boundary and saying to him I will need to leave if you continue to invalidate me (usually its combined with him laughing at me and being condescending too), and then keep my promise and leave, I will instead try and convince him how he is being abusive, and try and get him to have empathy, and the more he minimizes and laughs and denies he did anything the louder I get, and sometimes I hit things like my car steering wheel or a pillow away from him, but I NEVER would hit him. Anyways he always ends up apologizing but then he thinks I should apologize too for getting so irate. And I refuse. Im not going to apologize for reactive abuse from being abused. And i start out calm, its not like my immediate reaction is yelling and hitting things, it gets to a point like he pokes the bear over and over and I get louder and louder. His fake sarcastic apologies always come first too and that is just so difficult for me. I wish I would just leave though instead of try and convince him. I am not well and need help, but it is for staying in a relationship with someone abusive not because I'm an abusive person.
Same as. The way I see it is in a relationship u should BOTH be able to talk about ANYTHING and it shouldn't be used against you. Most things you tell them they use against you to convince your closest family or friends that you are such a bad person. And blaming you for your reaction to something THEY did to hurt you. What they did in the first place is quickly buried as soon as you show emotion. Guarantee it's nearly ALWAYS in front of people they already been planting seeds about what they have to put up with.
When I told him I could see what he was doing he totally denied it, and made me feel crazy, triggering me again & then turned around telling me “you see, it’s you!”
I seriously feel like I just got one of the most valuable pieces of information I've ever gotten in my life. It definitely feels like most of your videos on here are almost too good for TH-cam if that makes sense. I can't believe how much information, value and reassurance that I get from them. Sadly I am married to what you call a hijackal. It really gets so ugly sometimes and this video is covering what I believe is the ugliest part of our entire relationship. It's like I don't even see it coming and then boom it's there and before I know it I'm reacting. And even when I try to do all the things I have to do to react accordingly and reassure myself that I am not crazy in that reality is what I know it is, she will actually push and push and push until I get to that edge. It's mentally exhausting and it's really wearing. Oh man
I went through this multiple people sent me through hell I went off the the edge I got into legal trouble behind their verbal, mental and emotional abuse on going even after I got locked up the crap did not stop. Oh how these people kept telling me that I started the abuse. This is so much the truth. I have been praying that these people be removed out of my life for good. I'm waiting on a prayer for these people to be gone.
Unfortunately, that's how they roll. I'm sure that they were delighted when you were punished for their lies. I hope you can find a way to remove them from your life.
Thank you again, Roberta.This is so important. I learned something new this week about reactive abuse with a new guy.I'm no longer dating. During my. Reactive abuse to his Silent treatment and attempts to communicate with him by texting completely ignored. It filled my feelings of abandonment and I lost sight of my tools for a moment. So much so that I was angry and mean toward him as well.As some of my family members during my reactive abuse down spiral. Because he was new in my life.He did not know my family but I see now how with my ex who did know my family and friends, My reactive abuse only made his stories to them solidified more. Because reactive abuse is not just towards the initial abuser but you can be reactive beyond that person. This is so very important and I hope you guys read this to understand that your reactive abuse can go beyond the initial person who is causing your reaction. So it's important to respond instead of react and take your time to get back to good before you interact with other people who may be sensitive Too being abused. .who dont understand.. go here to listen to hwt back to good.. use your tools so you dont seem lile this person they are puahing you to be. And its your responsibility eventually to get away from them vs just mistreating others.❤ Or to people that have possibly been flying monkeys and may further support the person abusing you if they see you act out. This is a mental mind fuck but we can get through this if we understand what's happening and prepare ourselves for interactions and how we respond to them. And be aware of the people we care about other than the abuser to protect them from being further confused by the abuser and falling away from knowing who we truly are. This has been such a painful experience to see the people around me lose sight of who they know?I am because of my own reactive abuse that some guy has caused me. God bless. I'm open to any feedback or opinions that you guys have. We're feeling so terrible because this time I reacted not only towards him but towards my mother. Who had nothing To do with any of it.
Liked and subscribed. Your doing the work many of us need. Bottom of my heart thank you. I have a friend who is a behavioral therapist at 2 major hospitals in my city. And she says that although anyone can be this. A lot more women rely on this tactic to entrap men. MEN ALWAYS, ALWAYS, REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THIS SITUATION AS SOON AS YOU SEE THE SIGNS. Many good men get their lives ruined by these types of women trying to set you up.
This is a really insightful video I wish I’d seen when I was in an abusive relationship! I do disagree that this behavior is always intentional manipulation, though. I think the emphasis on all abusers being narcissists/antisocial/etc. and malicious is kind of dangerous because some people won’t recognize their own relationship as abusive when that stereotype doesn’t fit their partner. I think Dr. Kirk Honda from Psychology in Seattle, who has treated abusers, has a pretty good nuanced take on it that might be worth considering. But thank you for speaking on this topic at all, it is a true public service and the rest of the video is great!
Five years ago my husband yelled at me while we were travelling in our car and I started to cry . He threatened me that if I don’t stop crying , he will push me out of the car . I couldn’t stop crying so he tried to push me out of the car in the middle of the highway . I stopped crying and all the way home , he kept yelling at me . When we arrived home , I got out of the car and said I hated him for the way he treats me and I through a plastic bottle on the ground . The neighbour across the road saw it all . Five years later the same neighbour reminded me of what happened and said “I saw you do that “ . I stood up for myself in a calm manner and explained why I was reactive . He then went quiet . Talk about victim blaming and yet I always been nice to this neighbour . It is sad how most people blame the victim and you get very little support .
Hes got me so convinced I'm the crazy one. I'm the narcissist hes so good at it I'm questioning it myself, I hate that. No one would ever have me because I'm crazy, I hear that all the time. I say to myself all the time I would rather be physically abused than mentally abused, bruises heal, this doesn't I now have panic attacks cause I just never know what will set him off, always walking on eggshells but no its not his fault that I have those its my fault. He says I all the time I I I he even gets upset if his grandkids don't make him the center of attention. Been with him since 8th grade I was toooo stupid to see the signs and he has slowly slowly destroyed who I was, I was so strong, confident, friendly-people person always told I could talk to a wall now nothing like that I trust no one, I can't even have a simple conversation with anyone without a panic attack, I don't reconize me at all and yes I may have allowed it but I DIDN'T relize I was because their soooo good at it. At this point in my life I feel I am unfixable.
The good news is that you now see the relationship and him in a clearer light. A great first step! Yes, you can change with new insights, skills, strategies, and non-negotiable boundaries. If you want to talk about it with me, you'll find me at BeAClient.com
I tried to share this video with my partner so maybe he could empathize and understand my point of view and how my reactions, although wrong, are not coming out of no where. He pushes my buttons until I lose it. I hate that version of myself. But instead of understanding, he listened to the first 10 minutes and said "hahaha omg this is YOU!!" He said that I am the person antagonizing and HE is reacting to me. Now I am just confused. Who is it? Is it me? I didn't cheat, he did. But he will tell you that I drove him to it. I don't know what to think anymore...
What you're describing is a true Hijackal tactic: blameshifting. Whatever you say to a Hijackal gets turned around and the Hijackal says it's true of you. Here's my video on that: th-cam.com/video/zp5cxd_CGXA/w-d-xo.html Know what you know to be true, and when you really take in that blameshifting will usually occur, take action rather than use words. I hope that helps you.
The fact you’re confused is proof that he’s the narcissist. They don’t get confused. They’re in control. Everything they do is a form of manipulation to their end goal of stroking their ego.
ex-husband & the crazy, sick nieghborhood im in👌🏻7plus yrs of abusing me, they're still doing it. I'm new to your channel, you're awesome. Thankyou for sharing ✌🏻✝️
Yes! My oldest stepdaughter one time pushed me to the limit with her LIES and I knew she was lying and I called her out with her lies, I raised my voice and went into my bedroom. One minute later. I hear my middle (stepdaughter) come home and I hear the oldest daughter following her down the hall & saying, “DId you hear mom lashing out at me?” I just sat there (I didn’t react or defend myself) but I couldn’t believe she said that. I have (4) stepchildren that I raised in our home & I can see dysfunction in all of them. Their bio mom is a full blown toxic hyjackel.
You just described my experience. Once my then husband said horrible things to me, taunting, insulting, smugly declaring my worthless, and he wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t let me walk away, I finally screamed at him to stop and threw the glass I was holding against the wall. He then got this incredibly satisfied look on his face, it was so confusing. He switched to a superior, calm tone of voice and said “do I need to call the police?” Said I was obviously a threat to him. You know what I did? I sobbed and sobbed and swept up the glass. He brought it up several times saying I’d thrown the glass at him, a patent lie, and that I had a problem with violent outbursts. Never mind his drunken rages, I was the problem. My heart may never fully mend.
This is what I have just experienced, I just want to cry because my kids got to see my ugliest side of me which is not me. I don't even recognise the person I have become after 30 years of absorbing emotional abuse and now to be told that I'm mentally unstable..
So much frustration, I know. a Hijackal dances on your last nerve and then revels when you lose it, and react. I wish you well on your healing journey. If I can help, let's talk: www.beaclient.com
When we went to a counsellor together he brought the session where he wanted it...and im a jealous controller that dont wanted him to have friends...thats sfter he rubbed the new supply in my face many times, devaluing me, triangulating...all within a pattern of intermittent reinforcement, stone walling, smirking, and millions typical covert patterns. One thing. Im the one with three failed relationships. One alcoholic and a violent addict...snd lastly this covert narc...who apparently gets on famously with his exes...so im tha mad one. My brain is fried and my heart shattered.
What you are saying is exactly what is going on in my life. I've been made out to be the endangerment. I had someone tell me that what is going on is also called Guilty By Association.
I believe behavior. Thank you for that. My husband says I love you all the time. Then if I get upset because he was rude to me and if I don’t give him what he wants like sex, he’ll get a fit and get angry and act like a five year old throw tantrums accuse me of wanting someone else or having an affair. Then later acts like he didn’t do or say anything to me and say “I love you” Noo that’s not acceptable to behave that way towards me and be rude, nasty and emotionally abusive. No no no! Thanks for your video.
Good for you! A.B.B. will keep you safer, always. Always Believe Behavior! You seem clear. You can use this approach: "I'm confused. You tell me you love me, and then, you behave as though you don't trust, like, or value me. Which should I believe?" I hope that helps.
My daughter raged at me on the phone once over I don’t know what. After she was done, I was silent for a moment and then slowly said in shock. “I’m going to hang up now.” She said, “Oh, okay. Well, I love you.” 😳 Huh?! Yay, no! You do not love me.
Thank you so much for putting a name to this hijackal manipulation, I am very familiar with it. I think I will start using the mantra, respond dont react.🌷
"I won't just hope to make it better. I will make it better. I want to respond to the emotional abuse and not react. I will see it in my mind and call it in my mind. But I won't beat myself up for it. I refuse to beat myself up. I refuse to go over the edge. No matter how many scars I get on my tongue of things I really wanted to say. I refuse to go over the edge. They push and push and push.. and I DONT MOVE. I just OBSERVE. I say to myself, they are pushing. I choose not to go there. I choose not to go there. When I react it's exactly what they want. But when I respond it has to be what I want. Here's how I want to be behaving. I don't want to become that volcano that went off. I REFUSE to become that volcano. I AM in charge of myself. Even tho I feel the feelings and I am familiar with the pattern, I am no longer going to go there. I am going to stay strong. I am.not going to fall off the edge. I am going to close my mouth. I am not going to say what's on my mind, when I'm in a heightened state of emotional arousal. When I do this I can breathe myself down. (Breathe) Exhale a lot. That reactive abuse is getting me to blame shift onto myself. I recognize this pattern. I will say no to the pattern. Because that goes from blaming them for the abuse, to blaming myswlf for reacting. Thats a double wammy I dont need. I will break this pattern in my head right now. See it clearly. I am practicing. I WILL break this pattern."
My two teen daughters are the abusers. Learned behaviors from their mother. Their mom hasn’t been that way in the last couple of years, but the seeds were planted. I’m an imperfect, flawed man, but I do my best to be a good father and daddy. I’ve pretty much given up on having a healthy, productive and fulfilling give and give marriage. So I’ve felt mistreated my entire lifetime and it’s really worn me down. It’s caused me to become empty inside.
Yes, well said: it does devalue your opinions and cause you to not speak up. The good news is that there are ways to speak up that are not reactive abuse, right? Use my Personal Weather Report and get very, very good at it. Over time, it will give you strength. th-cam.com/video/mFCZohqaFMM/w-d-xo.html
When you mentioned about hijackels not caring I could relate. I just mentioned that by us arguing and my sons father saying rude and sarcastic remarks, it’s affecting my son. Then I told him that our son wants to commit suicide or wishing he was never born because all this stress everyday. And his father said oh well not my problem. I can’t do anything about that. Can you believe that? Omg that’s just disgusting to hear that.
A parent's number one job is to protect their child, not to beat them down continuously. What an irresponsible ass your son's father is. Selfish beyond belief.
You called out everything my narcissistic husband does. How do I get out of this with no financial means? He controls everything. Thanks for the video.
You're welcome. Fortunately, there are many things you can begin doing to leave. Research shelters and find an advocate at one to talk with. They'll suggest resources. Each time you buy groceries, get a few extra dollars in cash and put it into a secret account (if you can.) Record conversations with him, if you live in a one-party recording consent state or country. Report his rages to police because you feel threatened. Just some examples, however, I would need to know the specifics of your situation to help further. If you can, let's talk: BeAClient.com
I feel so bad for my reactive abuse I threatened to kill myself and attempted once after my abuser's emotional abuse (I already had depression and there nasty words, insults, swearing pushed me over the edge and they used it to say I was the manipulative/crazy one.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Yes thankfully. I felt so bad because I promised my ex I wouldn't threaten suicide because their "crazy emotionally abusive" ex threatened suicide all the time. But now I wonder if my ex also pushed their ex over the edge as they did to me. (they belittled me for being in a wheelchair and for being lazy and worthless.) I just wanted them to show remorse and realize what they did really affected me. I know threatening suicide is also a form of emotional abuse and I did apologize to my ex afterwards. I still feel bad for the way I behaved after our breakup but I doubt I would have reacted the same way if I wasn't with someone who is abusive.
I would put notes on my back door, threatening to kill my mom if she ever puts me down about who I am and my insecurities and then take them down, rip them up, and throw them in the trash. She tries to push me over the edge where I will end up hurting her, thinking I will gain my freedom, and going to jail for it.
Our first therapist told me i was co dependant first visit, borderline personality disorder second visit. Then i was manic and she suggested my husband put me in state psyc hospital in another country.
@@ForRelationshipHelp I thank you for the comment. I have. I am living in the Northwoods of Wisconsin alone, there are a lot of people around but I find myself unable to get close to anyone due to the passing of many people I love, divorce and a narcissistic relationship and finally realizing why these things are happening. God bless you and your work.
Some of the things you say here are how I react to the abuse and then I wonder if I am the abuser. I do say things in front of the older children (adults now) because I feel totally unheard and sometimes it's because I'm trying to defend them or the younger children from his outbursts. Also, he isn't one to share his feelings with anyone, so he doesn't go around telling people how I am with him, as far as I know. I do think he comments occasionally though to people about how I am so jealous. I do feel like it's an unhealthy jealousy I have, but he acts like I have no reason to be this way. His past behaviors of hiding things and lying have no meaning because they're "in the past" and I'm just not forgiving. It's so confusing! I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind! I'm going to continue listening to the rest of your podcast, but I wanted to comment about these things because I hear people talking about these things that I find myself doing as abusive, like calling him names. I don't really feel too bad about it though because I feel like he drove me there and that he really is being an a$$ or being stupid and immature. I really feel like it's still part of the reactive abuse. I just wish I knew for sure.
Big, important questions, Christina. I'm glad you'll continue listening to other of my podcasts. My Emerging Empowered Community would be a great place for you to get information, support, and insights into that confusing world of HIjackals. JoinInToday.com
My story is unrelated with the topic, I just remembered we were having a heated argument I was mopping the floor and due to our heated argument I tipped and fell flat facing down the floor, he saw me but he just ignored and walked past beyond me. I cant believe that he ignored and didnt check and help me.
I thought I was listening to your shows to learn about my husband's behavior. Instead, the longer I listen to you talk, the more I see my mom! Who is very uncomfortable about me listening to you. It seems that both my husband and I have hijackal mothers! My husband has serious emotional withdrawl issues, but he doesn't really blame me for anything. Rarely shows when he's hurt. Finds it hard to cry in front of anyone... even me. But my mom... I've seen her "cry" without tears often when a situation should be cry-worthy, but I've only seen actual tears maybe 5 times in my 35 years of life... I had a hard situation recently in life and EVERY time I needed support, my mom would make it about her. Birthdays she would buy me things that I didn't want and she would say, I spent more on this than what you wanted! I'd ask, then why didn't you get me what I asked for? Then I was called ungrateful...
Oh, Mary, you're describing classic Hijackal behaviors. I hope you and your husband will get some help to see the patterns and where they developed so that your relationship can be healthy and free of them.
My mother does this to me a lot. I’ve had enough and am done talking to her. Coincidentally, the two marriages in my life were men that have many of the characteristics my mother has. It’s taken many years to finally see the correlation.
@@sherilynmalloy8138 Hugs! I'm living with my mother right now so can't be done with her. Even though I can see and identify what's going on it's hard to think of being done with her. I'm not sure where I stand on that yet.
I get reactive abuse at the work place; used for many jobs without receiving credit or appreciation for the work that I do. I got overlooked about a week ago for a trainer position that I was fully qualified for. I pull new employees aside and show them ways on how to do their jobs as well. Those people turn to competition down the line though. Which would never happen if I would’ve gotten the respect that I rightfully deserve. I’m on time everyday and was working 6 12 hr days a week just to get smacked in the face. I get no respect from anyone. In all aspects of life. Whether it’s dealing with a relationship or building a career within someone’s company. I see why people are criminals. Why try hard at a place that doesn’t want you to succeed?
An emotional abuser -- that's my father. He likes to play up the "man" card and the misogynistic privilege to degrade me (he also degraded my mother). My half sister who wasn't raised by him excuses his behavior and apologizes for it. She encourages me to have sympathy for him. I am the youngest in the family but I have to be the bigger person to appease everyone involved (who are generally absent) and it's killing me -- I have PTSD, I'm killing myself from alcohol addiction to cope, and I will be homeless soon, nowhere to go. Case managers and therapists aren't much help, either -- they tend to focus on symptoms and symptom management. Being pathologized and "managed" feels like an extension of the original abuse that nobody believes or takes seriously. I am exhausted.
I surely understand why you're feeling exhausted. When your half sister doesn't have the capactiy (or, maybe, the willingness) to see that your experience of your father is different from hers, it's beyond frustrating! I hope you find a way to step away from it all and put an end to the re-wounding, so that you can heal. It sounds as thought that would help you to move away from the alcohol, too. Symptom and symptom management need to be in tandem with support and understanding for the core issues your father created within you. I hope you find that.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank you for the response, as well as the compassion and understanding behind it! I appreciate it, Rhoberta, and I find so much comfort in whatever I can do for my own healing in your videos -- I am so glad that THEY are there. You deserve 10x the viewership. What you teach is critical, but none of it is taught in schools. God bless you.
My gf calls everything I do abuse. If I have a tone or an attitude or dont remember to do a chore it’s abuse. Then she breaks things, hits me and verbally berates me for literally 6-16 hours. She says I start every single fight and that she’s reacting to my abuse. She’s violent. She’s threatened to kill me. Am I the abuser. Is that reactive abuse. When she raises her hand I flinch sometimes.
Going from the things you mention, she is abusive. Hijackals provoke you purposefully so that you will react. I suggest that, the next time she threatens or puts her hands on you, you don't tell her AND you call the cops. This will establish your reaching out for help. She'll deny it and carry on, but it will be on record. Of course, a more direct way to make it stop--as it sounds unacceptable and maybe even, outrageous--is to end the relationship. You don't have to tolerate abuse, right? Just don't try to reason with a Hijackal! Take action. I wish you well.
To solidify their point, they may covertly record (audio/video) you reacting and share this with others to smear you. However, they conveniently do not share context (audio/video) with others related to their provocation of your reaction at that time and over time.
the bible gives the same advice...."do not be provoked to wrath"...the evildoer will provoke and provoke and provoke until you erupt. then, they call you the abuser...unless they change, you will be their trash can for their anger, filling you up until you lose self control, get angry and get blamed......
The multiple highjackers has the nerve to tell me that they forgive me for all the hell they sent me through and the abuse. 🤯 I mean seriously that's what they really believe in their sick heads after all the crap they sent me through. Day and night being kept up and even attacked behind the way I responded by other people in the old community I use to live in. It was a 3rd party involving multiple people and just one me. Than had the nerve to say that I needed help and was sick
So sad...and wrong on so many levels, I know. I'm glad that you see how Hijackals blame you for the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that they are actually engaging in. Did you happen to hear this Save Your Sanity podcast episode: shows.acast.com/hijackals-conflict-toxic-people-narcissist/episodes/blame-shifting-recognizing-counteracting-this-crazy-making-w
Hi, Doctor Shaler, Thank you so much for your video. You solved my 7-year mystery abusive relationship. Listening to you in this video is like me looking into a mirror with my life. I am so grateful to you! I noticed that in Wikipedia there is not an article about reactive Abuse. Would you be interested in contributing one?
How do I know I am not the verbal abuser. What if what he was doing was OK and normal and I just blow up for no reason. I don't know I am really losing touch with reality I don't know if he is right and I am wrong
This video sounds extremely muffled to the point that it's not understandable. I see others' comments on this video don't comment on the audio, but I can hear other videos on YT just fine right now. Anyone else having a similar experience? Any ideas on what can be done to hear the audio?
He put our baby's live at risk when I was just out of the hospital and he was watching our youngest while I was recovering. I got out of the bed that morning and found my 9 month old eating uncut hotdog in her highchair in front the living room tv while he was in the kitchen with headphones on playing videogames. At this point a wave of despair washed over me because I could not count on him to properly care for the kids while I was sick. I overreacted and smashed our laptop. He then started to tell my 4 year old that because of me she wouldn't have a father anymore, as he was doing this and my daughter was now balling he was trying to shut me out of our bedroom with her in the room. I told him to grow up and stop dragging our 4 year old in to an adult fight. He body slammed my hand in the door and when I screamed he opened the door to put his face in mine to start scream at me. As he put his face in mine to intimidate me I punched him in the face and knocked his cap on his front teeth off. I really pulled out the punch and didn't hit him hard but he smashed his teeth when he was a kid and had caps' but it didn't matter he called the police and I was arrested. From then on every time we fought he would try to get me to hit him so he could have me arrested again!!!!!!
So sad. Such a sad example with long-term consequences. I hope you have documented all his behaviors, so that abusive patterns are noted. It's so difficult when reactive abuse is seen as the "primary" abuse in a relationship on a police report. So unfair!
You know that people are not attracted to "prickly people." Fortunately, though, you can change your reactions, responses, and behaviors. The first step in that change is getting help to find the underlying sources of your anger. If you'd like to talk, we can: BeAClient.com
Oh yeah the rumors oh how I should stay In that relationship and these 3rd party gossiping folks still want to get into your business and contact strangers you barely know so they can talk to you about fidelity. When truth is you have had enough of their meddling manipulative bullcrap and you are stressed at work, crying yourself to sleep at know and being attacked for being depressed behind all their crap yet you as a wife should endure Narcissistic abuse and still want to desire your ex husband sexually even after the gaslighting, taunting you and predatory harassment by a 3 rd party about sex and things that is none of their business. I get sick in the pit of my stomach after the years and years of harassment that went on and the disrespect at that. Im so glad I left that relationship and moved out of town as well. Narcissistic hold you down under water and send you through hell you don't deserve. And yet tells you that you deserved the abuse.
Ok here's my issue with this reactive abuse concept. Regardless of what my ex was doing I should not have been violent in return even if she threatened to break my nose or slapped the sole of my feet (which is way more painful than it sounds trust me) or spat on me or crushed me emotionally into a sobbing wreck or called a baby for trying to act in an adult way and bring up something she did wrong or ridiculed me in public and on. And yes as soon as I yell back at her after begging her to stop her attacks and then I'm nuts I'm a psycho sociopath wife beater and all her bad acts are justified. Once I snap she would act terrified and I'd quickly stop (as the years went by I got more and more control over my snapping I still admit my shit violent behavior as bad. In 17yrs it happened maybe 10 times that I hit her. I still feel like a prick even taking about it and highlighting what she did too I feel like I said earlier that I'm the cunt. We broke up eventually without violence being involved and there hadn't been any violence in 3yrs. She cheated on me and would say she's done so because she was scared at how much she was calling for me. She would turn a negative five because of something positive or based it on something I'd done when years in the past.
You're welcome. It's true that co-dependence makes you extra vulnerable...and willing to accept abusive behaviors and words. You can escape from this pattern, though it takes willingness and stick-to-it-iveness, for sure.
*QUESTION*... Is there any *LEGAL RECOURSE* that allows traumatized victims of narcissistic reactive baiting abuse to actually SUE the narcissist for pain & suffering? My Narc does this still, every time she can catch my eye, _ *AND IT'S 20 YEARS LATER!!* - she glaress directly at me with a malicious look of distain (that I would shake off and not think of again...but I would wake up days later having had memory dreams of all the painful things she did to intentionally destroy my world)...small town. I got reclusive, developed an itchy skin condition from stress, Panic & anxiety disorder, insomnia, migraines, etc. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I've finally figured her out, so thankfully I am healing enough that I called my ex and told him what his wife has been doing, and I that NO CONTACT means *NO* Contact, including her insideously malevolent eye rolls and malicious CONDUCT toward me...and that I *WILL NOT TOLERATE IT* anymore. I told him to stop approaching me at the store with a big grin when she isn't with him, (when he ignores me if she IS with him....so hypocritical...such B.S.) and to tell her to STOP with the childish eye rolling, that all she will get is that I *WILL EXPOSE HER PUBLICLY*...and I will be READY. Told him if they see me before I see them, to just make sure they avoid me completely, and I will do the same. He said "FINE!" and I hung up. DONE. DONE DONE DONE. I feel like since he didn't keep his promise to share MY dog that I adopted, and left with him bcz he could afford the vet bills better, & on his PROMISE that he would share her.... but he avoided all my calls for months til I finally went and got her, then he sued me for custody, then SHE took a restraining order out on me saying all the calls I made to him to see my dog were harassment toward HER...and the judge BELIEVED her B.S. I feel like that alone is cause to sue the jerk. I was so uninformed, confused, and anxious back then. It's so unfair that it takes us so long to learn what really happened, and then there's no recourse or justice for victims.
It's SO frustrating and infuriating, I know. Regarding legal recourse, I cannot answer because I am not attorney. I can say that, as you've already see how the courts worked in your case, you may not want the further aggravation. As you note that you live in a small town, calibrating the value of further legal action is important. One thing I know for sure is that Hijackals love a good fight where they honestly go into it believing they can squash you. Is it worth giving further money to attorneys? Only you know that answer. I wish you well. Rhoberta
“I’m not yelling. You are.” When they started the yelling but once you’re yelling they are suddenly “calm…” also won’t stop until they’ve completely made you lose your shit and you give up
A friend of mine including myself in two different situations with ex-girlfriends of ours had them use this tactic of, "Why are YOU YELLING AT ME?" The next thing you know, the argument is not about the wrongdoings but instead about how we supposedly yelled at them even though we didn't. (This is Narc 101.. whether it's a full-blown NARC or it's someone acting narcissistic)
@@AZDC99 it's still happening. 😢
@cortneyellyn3233 if you're aware of what's going on, and staying... it's time to be single and do your work for yourself. Study why you stay so you can leave quickly if you date another person w these tendencies. Hope you're okay
My father would do this to me growing up. We would eat dinner together every night while watching the news. He would take that opportunity to taunt me while expressing the most vile, racist and misogynistic views. My brother was nine years older than me and also enjoyed tormenting me. When I would finally react to his/their vile words, my whole family would gaslight me and say that I was overreacting. I never registered it at the time, but I remember looking over to my dad and seeing that “smirk” creep across his face, in total satisfaction.
I never knew what reactive abuse was until lately, but this is definitely what I experienced my entire life, with every interpersonal interaction I’ve had with my father.
Once you realize these dynamics, one can work toward building boundaries. Build them on your own. Don’t share your journey with them! It can get better…or leave. Stay strong. We do have to ultimately own our own behavior no matter what people do. Be assertive, not aggressive.
I needed this video, incredibly validating to my life experience. My wife convinced me I needed to be on antidepressants, and now she gets to say “your the one one pills”. One of many, nasty example that have gotten worse lately.
Seeing the traits and patterns is the first step to making healthy decisions about the relationship.
Thank you so much. I think when you're co-dependent (like myself) this makes you extra vulnerable to experience "being pushed to the edge" and then react with angry words etc. And after every incident always being blamed for the situation and the only one who is 'not well' and needs help. To me it's almost impossible to escape from this pattern and love myself enough.
Yep, that’s me too!
I am in a situation where I am the one saying that the emotional abuse is not ok and he needs help (but thats after hours of him telling me im the problem but Im not the kind of girl to ever let it be my problem and I will go back and forth with him trying to convince him why im not the problem, though i will admit staying and arguing is a problem since it is pointless and goes nowhere but get me really upset physically and mentally, but if i just leave it alone, he will never see it the right way either, but why do i torture myself and feel i have to teach this man empathy and how to not be abusive?). Sometimes I think he has autism, not NPD which can be similar which i think is why I stay. He loves to invalidate my feelings and laugh and scoff at me when I have totally predictable and reasonable emotions. Like he cannot handle any negative feedback ever, or even when its not about him directly. I'm not a negative or bitchy person either. But sometimes I might get disappointed about a situation. But he wants everything to be sunshine and rainbows all the time and its so fake. Like negative emotions are okay to feel sometimes, and usually there is an easy resolve, especially if i feel heard and my feelings validated. Unfortunately, instead of having a boundary and saying to him I will need to leave if you continue to invalidate me (usually its combined with him laughing at me and being condescending too), and then keep my promise and leave, I will instead try and convince him how he is being abusive, and try and get him to have empathy, and the more he minimizes and laughs and denies he did anything the louder I get, and sometimes I hit things like my car steering wheel or a pillow away from him, but I NEVER would hit him. Anyways he always ends up apologizing but then he thinks I should apologize too for getting so irate. And I refuse. Im not going to apologize for reactive abuse from being abused. And i start out calm, its not like my immediate reaction is yelling and hitting things, it gets to a point like he pokes the bear over and over and I get louder and louder. His fake sarcastic apologies always come first too and that is just so difficult for me. I wish I would just leave though instead of try and convince him. I am not well and need help, but it is for staying in a relationship with someone abusive not because I'm an abusive person.
I’m in the same situation with my wife
Same as.
The way I see it is in a relationship u should BOTH be able to talk about ANYTHING and it shouldn't be used against you.
Most things you tell them they use against you to convince your closest family or friends that you are such a bad person.
And blaming you for your reaction to something THEY did to hurt you.
What they did in the first place is quickly buried as soon as you show emotion.
Guarantee it's nearly ALWAYS in front of people they already been planting seeds about what they have to put up with.
When I told him I could see what he was doing he totally denied it, and made me feel crazy, triggering me again & then turned around telling me “you see, it’s you!”
Classic! Sad. Nasty blameshifting. Have you watched this video? th-cam.com/video/zp5cxd_CGXA/w-d-xo.html
@@ForRelationshipHelp thank you so much, I’ll have a look at it right now.
I seriously feel like I just got one of the most valuable pieces of information I've ever gotten in my life. It definitely feels like most of your videos on here are almost too good for TH-cam if that makes sense. I can't believe how much information, value and reassurance that I get from them. Sadly I am married to what you call a hijackal. It really gets so ugly sometimes and this video is covering what I believe is the ugliest part of our entire relationship. It's like I don't even see it coming and then boom it's there and before I know it I'm reacting. And even when I try to do all the things I have to do to react accordingly and reassure myself that I am not crazy in that reality is what I know it is, she will actually push and push and push until I get to that edge. It's mentally exhausting and it's really wearing. Oh man
I went through this multiple people sent me through hell I went off the the edge I got into legal trouble behind their verbal, mental and emotional abuse on going even after I got locked up the crap did not stop. Oh how these people kept telling me that I started the abuse. This is so much the truth. I have been praying that these people be removed out of my life for good. I'm waiting on a prayer for these people to be gone.
Unfortunately, that's how they roll. I'm sure that they were delighted when you were punished for their lies. I hope you can find a way to remove them from your life.
Thank you again, Roberta.This is so important. I learned something new this week about reactive abuse with a new guy.I'm no longer dating. During my.
Reactive abuse to his Silent treatment and attempts to communicate with him by texting completely ignored. It filled my feelings of abandonment and I lost sight of my tools for a moment. So much so that I was angry and mean toward him as well.As some of my family members during my reactive abuse down spiral. Because he was new in my life.He did not know my family but I see now how with my ex who did know my family and friends, My reactive abuse only made his stories to them solidified more. Because reactive abuse is not just towards the initial abuser but you can be reactive beyond that person. This is so very important and I hope you guys read this to understand that your reactive abuse can go beyond the initial person who is causing your reaction. So it's important to respond instead of react and take your time to get back to good before you interact with other people who may be sensitive Too being abused. .who dont understand.. go here to listen to hwt back to good.. use your tools so you dont seem lile this person they are puahing you to be. And its your responsibility eventually to get away from them vs just mistreating others.❤ Or to people that have possibly been flying monkeys and may further support the person abusing you if they see you act out. This is a mental mind fuck but we can get through this if we understand what's happening and prepare ourselves for interactions and how we respond to them. And be aware of the people we care about other than the abuser to protect them from being further confused by the abuser and falling away from knowing who we truly are. This has been such a painful experience to see the people around me lose sight of who they know?I am because of my own reactive abuse that some guy has caused me. God bless. I'm open to any feedback or opinions that you guys have. We're feeling so terrible because this time I reacted not only towards him but towards my mother. Who had nothing To do with any of it.
Liked and subscribed. Your doing the work many of us need. Bottom of my heart thank you. I have a friend who is a behavioral therapist at 2 major hospitals in my city. And she says that although anyone can be this. A lot more women rely on this tactic to entrap men. MEN ALWAYS, ALWAYS, REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THIS SITUATION AS SOON AS YOU SEE THE SIGNS. Many good men get their lives ruined by these types of women trying to set you up.
This is a really insightful video I wish I’d seen when I was in an abusive relationship!
I do disagree that this behavior is always intentional manipulation, though. I think the emphasis on all abusers being narcissists/antisocial/etc. and malicious is kind of dangerous because some people won’t recognize their own relationship as abusive when that stereotype doesn’t fit their partner. I think Dr. Kirk Honda from Psychology in Seattle, who has treated abusers, has a pretty good nuanced take on it that might be worth considering. But thank you for speaking on this topic at all, it is a true public service and the rest of the video is great!
Five years ago my husband yelled at me while we were travelling in our car and I started to cry . He threatened me that if I don’t stop crying , he will push me out of the car . I couldn’t stop crying so he tried to push me out of the car in the middle of the highway . I stopped crying and all the way home , he kept yelling at me . When we arrived home , I got out of the car and said I hated him for the way he treats me and I through a plastic bottle on the ground . The neighbour across the road saw it all . Five years later the same neighbour reminded me of what happened and said “I saw you do that “ . I stood up for myself in a calm manner and explained why I was reactive . He then went quiet . Talk about victim blaming and yet I always been nice to this neighbour . It is sad how most people blame the victim and you get very little support .
Good for you for speaking up to the neighbor. You're right.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank you
Hes got me so convinced I'm the crazy one. I'm the narcissist hes so good at it I'm questioning it myself, I hate that. No one would ever have me because I'm crazy, I hear that all the time. I say to myself all the time I would rather be physically abused than mentally abused, bruises heal, this doesn't I now have panic attacks cause I just never know what will set him off, always walking on eggshells but no its not his fault that I have those its my fault. He says I all the time I I I he even gets upset if his grandkids don't make him the center of attention. Been with him since 8th grade I was toooo stupid to see the signs and he has slowly slowly destroyed who I was, I was so strong, confident, friendly-people person always told I could talk to a wall now nothing like that I trust no one, I can't even have a simple conversation with anyone without a panic attack, I don't reconize me at all and yes I may have allowed it but I DIDN'T relize I was because their soooo good at it. At this point in my life I feel I am unfixable.
The good news is that you now see the relationship and him in a clearer light. A great first step! Yes, you can change with new insights, skills, strategies, and non-negotiable boundaries. If you want to talk about it with me, you'll find me at BeAClient.com
I tried to share this video with my partner so maybe he could empathize and understand my point of view and how my reactions, although wrong, are not coming out of no where. He pushes my buttons until I lose it. I hate that version of myself. But instead of understanding, he listened to the first 10 minutes and said "hahaha omg this is YOU!!" He said that I am the person antagonizing and HE is reacting to me. Now I am just confused. Who is it? Is it me? I didn't cheat, he did. But he will tell you that I drove him to it. I don't know what to think anymore...
What you're describing is a true Hijackal tactic: blameshifting. Whatever you say to a Hijackal gets turned around and the Hijackal says it's true of you.
Here's my video on that: th-cam.com/video/zp5cxd_CGXA/w-d-xo.html
Know what you know to be true, and when you really take in that blameshifting will usually occur, take action rather than use words. I hope that helps you.
He's blameshifting and projecting his behavior onto you. Do not take the bait and think you are the abuser. Best wishes and be well...
The fact you’re confused is proof that he’s the narcissist. They don’t get confused. They’re in control. Everything they do is a form of manipulation to their end goal of stroking their ego.
ex-husband & the crazy, sick nieghborhood im in👌🏻7plus yrs of abusing me, they're still doing it. I'm new to your channel, you're awesome. Thankyou for sharing ✌🏻✝️
Yes! My oldest stepdaughter one time pushed me to the limit with her LIES and I knew she was lying and I called her out with her lies, I raised my voice and went into my bedroom. One minute later. I hear my middle (stepdaughter) come home and I hear the oldest daughter following her down the hall & saying, “DId you hear mom lashing out at me?” I just sat there (I didn’t react or defend myself) but I couldn’t believe she said that. I have (4) stepchildren that I raised in our home & I can see dysfunction in all of them. Their bio mom is a full blown toxic hyjackel.
You just described my experience. Once my then husband said horrible things to me, taunting, insulting, smugly declaring my worthless, and he wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t let me walk away, I finally screamed at him to stop and threw the glass I was holding against the wall. He then got this incredibly satisfied look on his face, it was so confusing. He switched to a superior, calm tone of voice and said “do I need to call the police?” Said I was obviously a threat to him. You know what I did? I sobbed and sobbed and swept up the glass. He brought it up several times saying I’d thrown the glass at him, a patent lie, and that I had a problem with violent outbursts. Never mind his drunken rages, I was the problem. My heart may never fully mend.
I'm so sorry you lived this. Hugs.
Never grovel and sob because of an evil POS narcissist.
@@maryguillory2187 thank you💗
@@reesedaniel5835 never again.
Omg I had something very similar happen to me with my stbxw. It was so horrific.
I'm so glad I came across this video. Thank you for sharing your perspective. You've opened my eyes a great deal tonight.
You're welcome!
This is what I have just experienced, I just want to cry because my kids got to see my ugliest side of me which is not me. I don't even recognise the person I have become after 30 years of absorbing emotional abuse and now to be told that I'm mentally unstable..
So much frustration, I know. a Hijackal dances on your last nerve and then revels when you lose it, and react. I wish you well on your healing journey. If I can help, let's talk: www.beaclient.com
When we went to a counsellor together he brought the session where he wanted it...and im a jealous controller that dont wanted him to have friends...thats sfter he rubbed the new supply in my face many times, devaluing me, triangulating...all within a pattern of intermittent reinforcement, stone walling, smirking, and millions typical covert patterns. One thing. Im the one with three failed relationships. One alcoholic and a violent addict...snd lastly this covert narc...who apparently gets on famously with his exes...so im tha mad one. My brain is fried and my heart shattered.
What you are saying is exactly what is going on in my life. I've been made out to be the endangerment. I had someone tell me that what is going on is also called Guilty By Association.
I believe behavior. Thank you for that. My husband says I love you all the time. Then if I get upset because he was rude to me and if I don’t give him what he wants like sex, he’ll get a fit and get angry and act like a five year old throw tantrums accuse me of wanting someone else or having an affair. Then later acts like he didn’t do or say anything to me and say “I love you” Noo that’s not acceptable to behave that way towards me and be rude, nasty and emotionally abusive. No no no! Thanks for your video.
Good for you! A.B.B. will keep you safer, always. Always Believe Behavior! You seem clear. You can use this approach: "I'm confused. You tell me you love me, and then, you behave as though you don't trust, like, or value me. Which should I believe?"
I hope that helps.
@@ForRelationshipHelp thank you. I’ll try that. 💕
My daughter raged at me on the phone once over I don’t know what. After she was done, I was silent for a moment and then slowly said in shock. “I’m going to hang up now.” She said, “Oh, okay. Well, I love you.” 😳 Huh?!
Yay, no! You do not love me.
Thank you so much for putting a name to this hijackal manipulation, I am very familiar with it. I think I will start using the mantra, respond dont react.🌷
You're welcome. I hope you find that mantra helpful.
Thank you so much for putting words to this painful phenomenon that can be difficult to articulate.
You're welcome!
"I won't just hope to make it better.
I will make it better. I want to respond to the emotional abuse and not react. I will see it in my mind and call it in my mind. But I won't beat myself up for it. I refuse to beat myself up. I refuse to go over the edge. No matter how many scars I get on my tongue of things I really wanted to say. I refuse to go over the edge. They push and push and push.. and I DONT MOVE. I just OBSERVE. I say to myself, they are pushing. I choose not to go there. I choose not to go there. When I react it's exactly what they want. But when I respond it has to be what I want. Here's how I want to be behaving. I don't want to become that volcano that went off. I REFUSE to become that volcano. I AM in charge of myself. Even tho I feel the feelings and I am familiar with the pattern, I am no longer going to go there. I am going to stay strong. I am.not going to fall off the edge. I am going to close my mouth. I am not going to say what's on my mind, when I'm in a heightened state of emotional arousal. When I do this I can breathe myself down. (Breathe) Exhale a lot. That reactive abuse is getting me to blame shift onto myself. I recognize this pattern. I will say no to the pattern. Because that goes from blaming them for the abuse, to blaming myswlf for reacting. Thats a double wammy I dont need. I will break this pattern in my head right now. See it clearly. I am practicing. I WILL break this pattern."
My two teen daughters are the abusers. Learned behaviors from their mother. Their mom hasn’t been that way in the last couple of years, but the seeds were planted. I’m an imperfect, flawed man, but I do my best to be a good father and daddy. I’ve pretty much given up on having a healthy, productive and fulfilling give and give marriage. So I’ve felt mistreated my entire lifetime and it’s really worn me down. It’s caused me to become empty inside.
That's difficult. What does their mother say and do when your daughters are abusive?
this happened to me ALOT! you end up. just staying quiet. It really affected me, it de valued my opinions.
Yes, well said: it does devalue your opinions and cause you to not speak up. The good news is that there are ways to speak up that are not reactive abuse, right? Use my Personal Weather Report and get very, very good at it. Over time, it will give you strength. th-cam.com/video/mFCZohqaFMM/w-d-xo.html
@@ForRelationshipHelp thank you
A friend of mine used to call this: "Attack & cry victim"
When you mentioned about hijackels not caring I could relate. I just mentioned that by us arguing and my sons father saying rude and sarcastic remarks, it’s affecting my son. Then I told him that our son wants to commit suicide or wishing he was never born because all this stress everyday. And his father said oh well not my problem. I can’t do anything about that. Can you believe that? Omg that’s just disgusting to hear that.
Sad, and disgusting. Are you thinking of showing him your thoughts by taking action away from him? Then, he might believe your behavior.
A parent's number one job is to protect their child, not to beat them down continuously. What an irresponsible ass your son's father is. Selfish beyond belief.
Evil 👿
This is so on point.
I absolutely adore you you have helped me to understand. Thank you much
You're so welcome!
You called out everything my narcissistic husband does. How do I get out of this with no financial means? He controls everything. Thanks for the video.
Psalm 50:15 🙏❤
I feel this... 😞
You're welcome. Fortunately, there are many things you can begin doing to leave.
Research shelters and find an advocate at one to talk with. They'll suggest resources.
Each time you buy groceries, get a few extra dollars in cash and put it into a secret account (if you can.)
Record conversations with him, if you live in a one-party recording consent state or country.
Report his rages to police because you feel threatened.
Just some examples, however, I would need to know the specifics of your situation to help further. If you can, let's talk: BeAClient.com
I know there are resources for women in this situation but there are men in the exact same spot, is there anything?
Not reacting makes them even more mad...
Thank you so much..im an adult child of a hyjeckle mother..shes turned the whole family against me..
8:03 Oh Yes
I feel so bad for my reactive abuse I threatened to kill myself and attempted once after my abuser's emotional abuse (I already had depression and there nasty words, insults, swearing pushed me over the edge and they used it to say I was the manipulative/crazy one.
I hope that you are successfully far away from your abuser. Crazy-making stuff!
@@ForRelationshipHelp Yes thankfully. I felt so bad because I promised my ex I wouldn't threaten suicide because their "crazy emotionally abusive" ex threatened suicide all the time. But now I wonder if my ex also pushed their ex over the edge as they did to me. (they belittled me for being in a wheelchair and for being lazy and worthless.) I just wanted them to show remorse and realize what they did really affected me. I know threatening suicide is also a form of emotional abuse and I did apologize to my ex afterwards. I still feel bad for the way I behaved after our breakup but I doubt I would have reacted the same way if I wasn't with someone who is abusive.
I would put notes on my back door, threatening to kill my mom if she ever puts me down about who I am and my insecurities and then take them down, rip them up, and throw them in the trash. She tries to push me over the edge where I will end up hurting her, thinking I will gain my freedom, and going to jail for it.
Same.
Same. My wife says I’m dramatic
Our first therapist told me i was co dependant first visit, borderline personality disorder second visit. Then i was manic and she suggested my husband put me in state psyc hospital in another country.
I come from a family and ex husband of this....it is horrible....
Yes, it is. I hope you have found peace, away from it all.
@@ForRelationshipHelp
I thank you for the comment.
I have.
I am living in the Northwoods of Wisconsin alone, there are a lot of people around but I find myself unable to get close to anyone due to the passing of many people I love, divorce and a narcissistic relationship and finally realizing why these things are happening. God bless you and your work.
Thanks so much for making this video!
You're so welcome!
This is what management of companies use against employees.
Some of the things you say here are how I react to the abuse and then I wonder if I am the abuser. I do say things in front of the older children (adults now) because I feel totally unheard and sometimes it's because I'm trying to defend them or the younger children from his outbursts. Also, he isn't one to share his feelings with anyone, so he doesn't go around telling people how I am with him, as far as I know. I do think he comments occasionally though to people about how I am so jealous. I do feel like it's an unhealthy jealousy I have, but he acts like I have no reason to be this way. His past behaviors of hiding things and lying have no meaning because they're "in the past" and I'm just not forgiving. It's so confusing! I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind! I'm going to continue listening to the rest of your podcast, but I wanted to comment about these things because I hear people talking about these things that I find myself doing as abusive, like calling him names. I don't really feel too bad about it though because I feel like he drove me there and that he really is being an a$$ or being stupid and immature. I really feel like it's still part of the reactive abuse. I just wish I knew for sure.
Big, important questions, Christina. I'm glad you'll continue listening to other of my podcasts. My Emerging Empowered Community would be a great place for you to get information, support, and insights into that confusing world of HIjackals. JoinInToday.com
My story is unrelated with the topic, I just remembered we were having a heated argument I was mopping the floor and due to our heated argument I tipped and fell flat facing down the floor, he saw me but he just ignored and walked past beyond me. I cant believe that he ignored and didnt check and help me.
What a clear example of how Hijackals have little regard for other humans!
I’ve been in many situations including one where my ankle gave out at Disneyland and my wife laughed and walked away.
I thought I was listening to your shows to learn about my husband's behavior. Instead, the longer I listen to you talk, the more I see my mom! Who is very uncomfortable about me listening to you. It seems that both my husband and I have hijackal mothers! My husband has serious emotional withdrawl issues, but he doesn't really blame me for anything. Rarely shows when he's hurt. Finds it hard to cry in front of anyone... even me. But my mom... I've seen her "cry" without tears often when a situation should be cry-worthy, but I've only seen actual tears maybe 5 times in my 35 years of life... I had a hard situation recently in life and EVERY time I needed support, my mom would make it about her. Birthdays she would buy me things that I didn't want and she would say, I spent more on this than what you wanted! I'd ask, then why didn't you get me what I asked for? Then I was called ungrateful...
Oh, Mary, you're describing classic Hijackal behaviors. I hope you and your husband will get some help to see the patterns and where they developed so that your relationship can be healthy and free of them.
My mother does this to me a lot. I’ve had enough and am done talking to her.
Coincidentally, the two marriages in my life were men that have many of the characteristics my mother has. It’s taken many years to finally see the correlation.
@@sherilynmalloy8138 Hugs! I'm living with my mother right now so can't be done with her. Even though I can see and identify what's going on it's hard to think of being done with her. I'm not sure where I stand on that yet.
I get reactive abuse at the work place; used for many jobs without receiving credit or appreciation for the work that I do. I got overlooked about a week ago for a trainer position that I was fully qualified for. I pull new employees aside and show them ways on how to do their jobs as well. Those people turn to competition down the line though. Which would never happen if I would’ve gotten the respect that I rightfully deserve. I’m on time everyday and was working 6 12 hr days a week just to get smacked in the face. I get no respect from anyone. In all aspects of life. Whether it’s dealing with a relationship or building a career within someone’s company. I see why people are criminals. Why try hard at a place that doesn’t want you to succeed?
That sounds very frustrating! Id have to know much more about your specific situation to make any further comments. I wish you well.
An emotional abuser -- that's my father. He likes to play up the "man" card and the misogynistic privilege to degrade me (he also degraded my mother). My half sister who wasn't raised by him excuses his behavior and apologizes for it. She encourages me to have sympathy for him. I am the youngest in the family but I have to be the bigger person to appease everyone involved (who are generally absent) and it's killing me -- I have PTSD, I'm killing myself from alcohol addiction to cope, and I will be homeless soon, nowhere to go. Case managers and therapists aren't much help, either -- they tend to focus on symptoms and symptom management. Being pathologized and "managed" feels like an extension of the original abuse that nobody believes or takes seriously. I am exhausted.
I surely understand why you're feeling exhausted. When your half sister doesn't have the capactiy (or, maybe, the willingness) to see that your experience of your father is different from hers, it's beyond frustrating!
I hope you find a way to step away from it all and put an end to the re-wounding, so that you can heal. It sounds as thought that would help you to move away from the alcohol, too. Symptom and symptom management need to be in tandem with support and understanding for the core issues your father created within you. I hope you find that.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank you for the response, as well as the compassion and understanding behind it! I appreciate it, Rhoberta, and I find so much comfort in whatever I can do for my own healing in your videos -- I am so glad that THEY are there. You deserve 10x the viewership. What you teach is critical, but none of it is taught in schools. God bless you.
My gf calls everything I do abuse. If I have a tone or an attitude or dont remember to do a chore it’s abuse. Then she breaks things, hits me and verbally berates me for literally 6-16 hours. She says I start every single fight and that she’s reacting to my abuse. She’s violent. She’s threatened to kill me. Am I the abuser. Is that reactive abuse. When she raises her hand I flinch sometimes.
She also tells me if I call the cops she’ll tell them I hit her (a lie) and have me put in jail
Going from the things you mention, she is abusive. Hijackals provoke you purposefully so that you will react.
I suggest that, the next time she threatens or puts her hands on you, you don't tell her AND you call the cops. This will establish your reaching out for help. She'll deny it and carry on, but it will be on record.
Of course, a more direct way to make it stop--as it sounds unacceptable and maybe even, outrageous--is to end the relationship. You don't have to tolerate abuse, right?
Just don't try to reason with a Hijackal! Take action. I wish you well.
To solidify their point, they may covertly record (audio/video) you reacting and share this with others to smear you. However, they conveniently do not share context (audio/video) with others related to their provocation of your reaction at that time and over time.
Exactly right! A very #Hijackal response in every way. Sad and nasty.
I had to record him saying stuff to push me
the bible gives the same advice...."do not be provoked to wrath"...the evildoer will provoke and provoke and provoke until you erupt. then, they call you the abuser...unless they change, you will be their trash can for their anger, filling you up until you lose self control, get angry and get blamed......
The multiple highjackers has the nerve to tell me that they forgive me for all the hell they sent me through and the abuse. 🤯 I mean seriously that's what they really believe in their sick heads after all the crap they sent me through. Day and night being kept up and even attacked behind the way I responded by other people in the old community I use to live in. It was a 3rd party involving multiple people and just one me. Than had the nerve to say that I needed help and was sick
So sad...and wrong on so many levels, I know. I'm glad that you see how Hijackals blame you for the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that they are actually engaging in. Did you happen to hear this Save Your Sanity podcast episode: shows.acast.com/hijackals-conflict-toxic-people-narcissist/episodes/blame-shifting-recognizing-counteracting-this-crazy-making-w
So very true
THANK YOU
You are welcome!
Hi, Doctor Shaler, Thank you so much for your video. You solved my 7-year mystery abusive relationship. Listening to you in this video is like me looking into a mirror with my life. I am so grateful to you!
I noticed that in Wikipedia there is not an article about reactive Abuse. Would you be interested in contributing one?
You are so welcome. Yes, I'd be happy to contribute to that Wikipedia entry.
Exactly .I have been the round with my son his fiance and my grandson . We are going to do this differently ! I'm onto them 🤣
Good! What will you do differently?
How do I know I am not the verbal abuser. What if what he was doing was OK and normal and I just blow up for no reason. I don't know I am really losing touch with reality I don't know if he is right and I am wrong
This video sounds extremely muffled to the point that it's not understandable. I see others' comments on this video don't comment on the audio, but I can hear other videos on YT just fine right now. Anyone else having a similar experience? Any ideas on what can be done to hear the audio?
He put our baby's live at risk when I was just out of the hospital and he was watching our youngest while I was recovering. I got out of the bed that morning and found my 9 month old eating uncut hotdog in her highchair in front the living room tv while he was in the kitchen with headphones on playing videogames. At this point a wave of despair washed over me because I could not count on him to properly care for the kids while I was sick. I overreacted and smashed our laptop. He then started to tell my 4 year old that because of me she wouldn't have a father anymore, as he was doing this and my daughter was now balling he was trying to shut me out of our bedroom with her in the room. I told him to grow up and stop dragging our 4 year old in to an adult fight. He body slammed my hand in the door and when I screamed he opened the door to put his face in mine to start scream at me. As he put his face in mine to intimidate me I punched him in the face and knocked his cap on his front teeth off. I really pulled out the punch and didn't hit him hard but he smashed his teeth when he was a kid and had caps' but it didn't matter he called the police and I was arrested. From then on every time we fought he would try to get me to hit him so he could have me arrested again!!!!!!
😥
So sad. Such a sad example with long-term consequences. I hope you have documented all his behaviors, so that abusive patterns are noted. It's so difficult when reactive abuse is seen as the "primary" abuse in a relationship on a police report. So unfair!
Now I am confused last 2 boyfriends I felt abused me and if I say they were crazy I am the red flag?
I still feel like most people dislike me because I have reacted got angry and yelled
You know that people are not attracted to "prickly people." Fortunately, though, you can change your reactions, responses, and behaviors. The first step in that change is getting help to find the underlying sources of your anger. If you'd like to talk, we can: BeAClient.com
10:15 Oh Yes
I need someone to talk to so bad. 🥺
I hope you find someone to talk to. If not, you're welcome to use my new client offer here: BeAClient.com
If only I knew.
Oh yeah the rumors oh how I should stay In that relationship and these 3rd party gossiping folks still want to get into your business and contact strangers you barely know so they can talk to you about fidelity. When truth is you have had enough of their meddling manipulative bullcrap and you are stressed at work, crying yourself to sleep at know and being attacked for being depressed behind all their crap yet you as a wife should endure Narcissistic abuse and still want to desire your ex husband sexually even after the gaslighting, taunting you and predatory harassment by a 3 rd party about sex and things that is none of their business. I get sick in the pit of my stomach after the years and years of harassment that went on and the disrespect at that. Im so glad I left that relationship and moved out of town as well. Narcissistic hold you down under water and send you through hell you don't deserve. And yet tells you that you deserved the abuse.
This is my life
My narssacist does this in front of my grandchildren. I'm the grandma the mother is not my daughter thank god....
So what is next ?
Please tell me more about your question.
Ok here's my issue with this reactive abuse concept. Regardless of what my ex was doing I should not have been violent in return even if she threatened to break my nose or slapped the sole of my feet (which is way more painful than it sounds trust me) or spat on me or crushed me emotionally into a sobbing wreck or called a baby for trying to act in an adult way and bring up something she did wrong or ridiculed me in public and on. And yes as soon as I yell back at her after begging her to stop her attacks and then I'm nuts I'm a psycho sociopath wife beater and all her bad acts are justified. Once I snap she would act terrified and I'd quickly stop (as the years went by I got more and more control over my snapping I still admit my shit violent behavior as bad. In 17yrs it happened maybe 10 times that I hit her. I still feel like a prick even taking about it and highlighting what she did too I feel like I said earlier that I'm the cunt. We broke up eventually without violence being involved and there hadn't been any violence in 3yrs. She cheated on me and would say she's done so because she was scared at how much she was calling for me. She would turn a negative five because of something positive or based it on something I'd done when years in the past.
My narcissist says your so defensive...I'm like what you started it...
My life story
Master manipulators.
Exactly...and they're so smug about it, too.
Do you give private sessions
Yes, I do. Here is the new client, one-hour introductory session: BeAClient.com
Johnny and Amber...
I ❤ your red flag!!! Lol!
You're welcome. It's true that co-dependence makes you extra vulnerable...and willing to accept abusive behaviors and words.
You can escape from this pattern, though it takes willingness and stick-to-it-iveness, for sure.
I want out of the game
Best route out is the silent one, with the actions speaking volumes!
*QUESTION*... Is there any *LEGAL RECOURSE* that allows traumatized victims of narcissistic reactive baiting abuse to actually SUE the narcissist for pain & suffering? My Narc does this still, every time she can catch my eye, _ *AND IT'S 20 YEARS LATER!!* - she glaress directly at me with a malicious look of distain (that I would shake off and not think of again...but I would wake up days later having had memory dreams of all the painful things she did to intentionally destroy my world)...small town. I got reclusive, developed an itchy skin condition from stress, Panic & anxiety disorder, insomnia, migraines, etc. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I've finally figured her out, so thankfully I am healing enough that I called my ex and told him what his wife has been doing, and I that NO CONTACT means *NO* Contact, including her insideously malevolent eye rolls and malicious CONDUCT toward me...and that I *WILL NOT TOLERATE IT* anymore. I told him to stop approaching me at the store with a big grin when she isn't with him, (when he ignores me if she IS with him....so hypocritical...such B.S.) and to tell her to STOP with the childish eye rolling, that all she will get is that I *WILL EXPOSE HER PUBLICLY*...and I will be READY. Told him if they see me before I see them, to just make sure they avoid me completely, and I will do the same. He said "FINE!" and I hung up. DONE. DONE DONE DONE. I feel like since he didn't keep his promise to share MY dog that I adopted, and left with him bcz he could afford the vet bills better, & on his PROMISE that he would share her.... but he avoided all my calls for months til I finally went and got her, then he sued me for custody, then SHE took a restraining order out on me saying all the calls I made to him to see my dog were harassment toward HER...and the judge BELIEVED her B.S. I feel like that alone is cause to sue the jerk. I was so uninformed, confused, and anxious back then. It's so unfair that it takes us so long to learn what really happened, and then there's no recourse or justice for victims.
It's SO frustrating and infuriating, I know. Regarding legal recourse, I cannot answer because I am not attorney. I can say that, as you've already see how the courts worked in your case, you may not want the further aggravation.
As you note that you live in a small town, calibrating the value of further legal action is important. One thing I know for sure is that Hijackals love a good fight where they honestly go into it believing they can squash you. Is it worth giving further money to attorneys? Only you know that answer.
I wish you well.
Rhoberta