I’m going through the resentment phase after realizing just how damaged I was by my own mother.. 28 years old and I’m just seeing it now. She emotionally parentified me at the age of 5 up until literally last week, when I set boundaries and refused to be her therapist. I’m having a hard time getting over the sheer amount of straight bulls*it she put me through because she was incapable of self reflection and change. I don’t care how this sounds, as a daughter of a BPD mother, they should NOT be parents unless they are in treatment. BPD is volatile and parents who have it unchecked ruin their children’s lives, and then they deny that adult child any kind of closure because nothing is ever their fault… my own mother scaring my children with her outbursts and making my eldest cry because she fully told her that she is bad, too much, too loud, too this, too that. I was conditioned all my life to protect my mom, but let me tell you when she pulled that crap, I snapped at her and kicked her out. Over my dead body, it ends with me.
BPD gran MIL just went through and reorganized my daughter’s room and stuff without her permission today while she was at school. Classic lack of boundaries.
Thank you for this. I am so tired of people feeling sorry for these monsters. They destroy families....generations even....with their mind games and constant denial. They need to be held accountable and forced into therapy or something. It is a nightmare to be their child, some (my siblings) commit suicide and/or become severely mentally ill themselves.
All the good people can ditch the bad people. Then all the bad people will be left in a hell of their own design.. having to deal only with one another. :-)
remember, friends, bad persons will tell you not to trust your perceptions or instincts. this is because their kind wants good persons to remain available and off guard for their abuses. tell them to GET LOST. if they need persuasion, oblige. :)
I made the mistake of paying my borderline mother to help with my toddlers. She just flew back home after 3 long years. It started off great but I knew it wouldn’t last. Time to heal now.
My mother kept my brother and I away from my grandmother as much as possible because she admitted that grandma was emotionally abusive. Yet now here I sit, 49 years old, mom is 74, and she treated me in just the same cruel, abusive way that her mother treated her. Yet while my mother can admit that her own mother was abusive and that it harmed her, SHE CANNOT admit that she repeated the cycle with me. I am not emotionally healed and stable enough to handle the constant and unpredictable barrage of her abusive behaviors and so I have had to completely cut off all contact with her. Despite that, I am still unable to get my life together because THE TRAUMA RUNS DEEP. Thank goodness I didn't have any children because I would NEVER allow her around them - even with me around. She has no boundaries with children, whether they are related to her or not, and will NOT hesitate to criticize them in the most cruel ways. She has literally said that it is her duty as an adult. She completely views emotional abuse AS GOOD PARENTING. What upsets me is that she worked as a teacher's aide for decades AND LEARNED TO CONTROL HER TEMPER WITH THOSE CHILDREN BUT NOT WITH HER OWN.
My MIL has started a campaign to turn her grandkids (my children) against me. The last straw when she tried it with my granddaughter. My husband is her favored son, so I seem to be her nemesis. She has called CPS on us, called our daughter disgusting to have gotten pregnant at 18 in public in front of people, called one grandson a jerk (over and over to anyone who would listen) because he no longer needed her to pay for his braces when he got a good job. She has no friends left. So far she has alienated 2 daughters-in-law, 2 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren. My oldest son and his family plus my husband are on deck to be next if she won't stop. I don't think she can help herself. It's sad watching her toxicity tear her family apart.
I just recently discovered your channel and it is so helpful, life saving even! I finally went no contact with my family of origin 6 months ago after 30 years of on again, off again crazy-making nonsense drama and conflict. My grandmother went into a rage each time I told her what names we picked for my children. I guess each time she fantasized that she would be choosing their names. By the time I had my 3rd child, she called him by the name she wanted anyway and treated him like an outcast. That is when I finally fully accepted that it is NOT ME that is flawed, but my family of origin that is psychotic and abusive. I knew I had to leave for good in order to protect my "new" family.
Congratulations on DOING that which you need to do in a timely manner relative to where you are in your life !!! My mother died. Then and only then was i able (gradually) to learn to care for my emotioal being. Because she was soo STHCARY…!!!
She just described my life. I fought to cut off all contact between my mother and my daughter when she was 7. I will be disinherited as a result and I still know I did the right thing. My daughter is an emotionally healthy girl. My mother is a very sick cruel and broken woman and I have no wish to ever engage with her again. Protect your children from these deeply damaged people.
My BPD mother in law is so great with the little kids and babies, but as soon as my son grew up a bit the conflicts began, because the control is gone with the big one now
That’s so crazy, I have a mother who is also great with little kids and babies but has conflicts once they get older. I have also wondered what kind of personality disorder she might have but never heard anyone else say this.
Asking her not to confront me (constant, neverending confrontation about literally everything) in front of my son/her grandson is ludicrous. How else is she going to demonstrate her superiority over everything I try to do (and then on mothers day tell me what an incredible mother I am, baited with "you're much better than I ever was")? When I finally went no contact with her last March, my then 17yo child couldn't block her fast enough, and to this day he's the one who tells us if she got a new number because she'll text him and not us. It's mind-blowing how formulaic and common this is, and yet is almost impossible to navigate. I had to finally listen to my son and validate his observations that she is a very dangerous person to me. It's been so hard and I'm ate up with guilt at every second of the day, still, almost a year later - even though she only tried once to contact me again after we cut her off, to say "Well I guess you're not talking to me anymore but I just wanted to let you know about (something something)" My son is autistic, and it's shaping up that I will get that diagnosis as well. Which makes her even more of a monster. To treat her own autistic daughter and grandson like that, screaming at us about who's a n*zi and who isn't, etc etc I hate her I used to feel bad about that but let's face it, I hate her and the world will be a better place without her when she finally dies alone and miserable in her rat and spider infested trailer out in the middle of rural Tennessee. Editing to add: Her mom was a surprise rager, she is a surprise rager, and both her brothers married surprise rager women with surprise raging kids of their own. All the family reunions I was forced to go to were essentially the set of Jerry Springer and I know I'm far from alone in this.
I’m absolutely terrified of how my mom will affect my daughter. I’m still pregnant but since I found out my mother had attached herself so much to me and the baby. Suggesting to be in the birth room, saying she’ll stop working so she can baby sit full time while I work, buying the baby stuff constantly... which in a normal mom would be great.. of course I wish I had an emotionally healthy mother. But I just didn’t. I just don’t want her to affect my daughter the way she did me and my siblings growing up. It’s been a breath of fresh air these last few years living on my own and not having to deal with her daily. But I just know she’s going to latch onto the baby and I’m fearful of how it’s going to turn out. It’s just hard and scary. I just wanna protect my girl from both her and my dad. My father is a sociopath and was very abusive growing up. I’ve already established no contact with him. But I might have to do the same with my mother if I see the unhealthy patterns rise in her relationship to my daughter
I'm so sorry! I have been through similar. Start researching "how to establish boundaries" You must give boundaries and consequences for when mom breaks those boundaries. The book "Boundaries " by Dr Henry Cloud is great. Hopefully you have already established a boundary with you & baby not going to their house bc of your Dad's abuse. I had my daughter 4 weeks early. My mom insisted on being in the room and their was a verbal argument in the delivery room with my hubby, it was a nightmare and I don't wish this on you. My mother also insisted on coming to "help" with my newborn and then proceeded to stay for 3 weeks. She wasn't any "help". She kept me up all night wanting to talk and I was like a zombie who desperately needed sleep. She refused to cook or do dishes (or wash the pump), all she wanted to do was hold the baby and bond with the baby. She wanted hubby to cook for all of us and kept complaining bc she had to sleep on the couch (bc I was in the spare room trying to nurse every 2 hours). She made me a nervous wreck and being a first time mother with a preemie was hard enough. Please be smarter than me! Best wishes and congratulations on your new baby!!!
My mum was the exact same when I was pregnant but she's switched since his birth. He's 4 months old now she's seen him maybe 7 times she lives 10 minutes from me. She says she takes days pff work to help me but is late or has an excuse not to show up. She talks to the baby saying that "mummy lives you even when you drive her crazy" - NOT TRUE "I'm your favourite gran"- no that will deffos be my MIL, "I'm going to steal you from your mum if she dosent let me take you" she also buys us stuff constantly to buy our approval. She's trying to tell me to add formula so she can feed my baby even though I'm happily breastfeeding and expressing for breastmilk bottles. And she also has started trying to divide me and my boyfriend by acting like he dosent help enough :/
It's so much like my story - also the comments, it's incredible! Had some great years with my mom hardly around, then got pregnant - she's all in. I said I don't want anyone here in the last trimester and first weeks after birth - she was all set up to book an apartment with kitchen next to me behind my back to make me a surprise and cook for me. Would be great with another mom, but mine is such a stress that I would lose milk the minute I saw her. She completely ignored this boundary I set and only gave up on that after she accidentally read an article about toxic in-laws (thanks be to God). Then I told her to not send me presents because my house is full of crap and I had an accident falling with my bump right onto one of many baby boxes in my room (luckily all good) - my mom said I need to fulfill other people's needs (in the 9th pregnancy month as well, apparently) and learn to accept presents - so she sent me another box and yet another a month later. I was super upset - she like handpicked everything in the box and washed it and ironed, but I just cried for several hours when I saw this yet another box because I felt so disrespected. Finally we decided to send it right back, because that's how you establish boundaries... Then she cried on the phone and blocked me on all channels. So that's what happens when you don't give in (I see in other comments what happens when you do - I seriously cannot imagine having her in the delivery room!). I don't regret it at all, and while it's sad, I am just relaxing now that she left me in peace.
I watched this video when it came out 2 years ago and I just watched it again. Everything you say is so true and that's definitely been my experience. The sh*t-talking, the story telling about what a horrible teenager I was, on and on. Thank you for this video! I know you've done some holiday videos recently - I would love to see you do a video on bpd grandparents and the holidays. My mother goes completely overboard on the gift -giving, she doesn't recognize or care about our requests to limit the gifts, she insists that everything be a certain way and we all must follow her traditions, she clearly favors the young grandkids and gets all judgy with the older ones that express their preferences. And then there's the unstable moods, outbursts, and the odd meltdown. And then the silent treatments and shit talking to the rest of the family if someone pushes back. She believes she's the queen bee and the most important person in the family and we all must be submissive to her and walk on eggshells. It's exhausting! Thank you for everything you do, Dr. Sage - your videos are so helpful and validating!
My mother had made no effort with my child, he's 4 months old and she barely sees him and she lives about 10 minutes from me. She gets jealous that his other family members and other grandparents spend time with him yet she is does not make much effort to visit us or even look at the group chat for videos and photos of him doing new things so it's hard to constantly chase after her asking her to go and look. I give up
My oldest son is my mom’s FP and she hates my youngest. My youngest had to start therapy at 9 because of the emotional abuse and manipulation. He now understands at 11 that she’s mentally ill and wants no contact. Same as me. Difficult because my oldest has no clue and only gets the good parts of her. She’s literally destroyed my whole life, but I’m still working on healing 🤍
This is part of the reason why I never had children - in fact the desire to have them was suffocated and when I thought of it, I could very well imagine how it would look like.
I had 2 'surprises'. I guess God intended for me to have kids. I sure didn't intent to pass this cr*p along. I am raising them very differently, so I tell them at least they will have "different" problems?
@@BobbiGail That's great, I don't think the shit gets passed necessarily...sometimes it does, sometimes not...specialy if you are aware of sick narc dynamics in your original family. But for some of us, I suppose the root desire to have children is suffocated veryearly...these are subconscious processes - before knowing about narcissism and knowing how deeply sick my original family was, I just thought it must be me, my nature, but I know now it was my childhood - the burden of being parents' emotional crutch all of my life, being at the same time parentefied and infanitilized...depending on the situation, broke the camels' back.
This hits home on every level😢I am so torn between completely cutting my kids’ time with grandma or trying to work with her since she is their partial childcare giver.
There’s no working with them, because they don’t work on themselves- no matter how you beg and plead. Just save your self. Save your children. It only gets worse and worse. What is said here: pleading to their senses for them not to overstep does NOT work. They might try but it’s a constant battle and eventually they will crack and explode.
My whole pregnancy my mother in law (diagnosed BPD) went mad knitting blankets and gifts every single week etc, she said she had a dream that he would look JUST like my husband, when she walked into the hospital whn I gave birth and she saw him her body language went from excited and nervous to absolutely dissapontment and anger and she said "oh, he looks like YOU!- but I had dream that he would look like (my husband/her son)". She baby sat for us a bit in the first 3 months, by month 3 she went ballistic and stated fighting with every single family member individually, especially her sister whome we also let baby sit, she stopped speaking to us and told us she is busy during the week fixing her house and on weekends she's busy catching up on hair appointments etc, I messaged her one day asking if she could baby sit but she had blocked me, she then threatened suicide in Easter to her daughter who is living overseas who phoned us in a panic, we went low contact after realising everything she was doing was only for attention, she then snuck up our driveway and left a note declaring she is done with us and we are keeping her grandchild from her- and she returned her motherday gift because we didn't put enough effort into it, a few days later she snuck up the driveway and gave a chocolate bar that said "I'm sorry", because by that point we had all blocked her, she sent an email saying "ill always love you, I think ill always miss you".... wtf you THINK??? She cant even genuinely apologize
"Make sure you take care of MY baby girl" I was pregnant, we diden't know the gender yet. When I was 6 Months pregnant she made 180 turn and was super nasty, fliped everyone off and pissed off to spain over x-mass. 4 days bevore I went in to labore she insisted to have the shared car even tho my husband told her not to. He imodiatly bought one we own and don't share. She still haden't talked to me since she was nasty, but then insisted to come imidiatly when baby was born. We refused, she got angry sent a shitty gift and she never saw her granddaughter but berated me, blamed me for everything that wnt wrong in her life, even searched my mums phone number and called and herassed her, blocked me, unblocked me, called me jalous and that I am taking her babies from her. a week ago i saw her again with my daughter. Now she completly love bombs me and wants the grandchild for trips and knits dresses and drives me crazy. I should have never broken the no contact.
@@More13Feen when my baby was 2.5 months old she..... (lord, I'm cringing so hard typing this), she was holding my baby and he was hungry she let him LATCH her through her clothes in resturant infront of everyone! Exclaiming "look! Look! Its just natural, he just knows where the BOOBIES are", we sat shocked in absolute horror. She cannot ever be around her own son without mentioning her boobs or being naked. There are so many levels of inappropriate here im absolutely speechless. I didn't know how to react, it took every ounce of husband's willpower not to punch his own mother
@@jeans398 whaaatttt? The lack of self awearness and inapropriate behavior! I mean I come from a breastfeeding open culture but FOR YOUR OWN KIDS! I am so sorry you had to expirience that! We truly shoulden't have to deal with that level of BS as fresh parents. Its such a vulnerable staage in life... I hooe you are finding peace and as much help as you need ❤
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your videos and educational material. I am so happy to have found it, but so sad I was unaware of BPD until just a few years ago (did a lot of reading and searching for what was happening in my mom dynamic and was mind-blown by "Understanding the Borderline Mother"). I wish I had this valuable info so much sooner. My mother is classic BPD to the nines. I worry about the effect she has had on my daughter as well (my mom likes to go to her directly to talk badly about me, etc.). 🙁
My grandmother was an incarnation of Joan Crawford. Being left alone with her allowed her the space to commit many felony criminal child abuse offenses upon me. Personally, I would NEVER expose a child to an axis-II, Cluster B person. If a parent allows someone to abuse their child, the parent might face criminal charges and have their child taken away by the state….I wish I had been taken out of that living hell.
My step son still visits his grandma and spends the night. He wants to go cuz she showers him with gifts and lets him stay up and wach movies. I decided that she will not get to establish a relationship with my daughter. Right now we are checking if we can do ocasional visits avter having been no contact for 1,5 years... So I am getting love bombed and manipulated right now and I am worried, cuz if I set boundroes she will flip and I am worried for my stepson...
This is like saying that all people with BPD are awful people. Not true and is a huge reason stigma is perpetuated. Stigma prevents these very people from getting real help so it does nothing but create more shame in a disorder based in shame.
@@Yettiboyranch I know what you mean belive me! But abuse is abuse. One of my best friends has BPD and she went to theraphie and is a wonderfull mother to her child. My MIL wasn't a good mum, went to Theraphie as a 50 year old and it has helped her, but not the ppl around her. So yes bpd isen't the same for everyone, but not being aloud to speak up about the abuse you suffer as a relative of some ppl with BPD, dosen't help BPD to get better. I think most ppl get that its is not one size fits all with mental disorders.
Your videos are so helpful to me Kim. If I just learn one thing it is that triggers will come from activating BPDs & NPDs. That doesn't mean that I am not healing or growing. Today I can self sooth after an Activating Experience. ☺
Thank you so much for this video. Since personality disorders keep replicating themselves in families, on both my and my husband's side of the family, we have people with BPD, codependency, narcissism, etc. My husband and I don't have children, but I have nieces and nephews who either have a mother who has BPD or have grandmothers with BPD. My husband and I are the only ones in therapy and working on this. I've forwarded this video to my sister-in-law and brother since they've been complaining about my mother's behavior. They use my mother for child care a few times a week, and at first things were going great, but then as the kids have gotten older and more independent, my mother's behavior has gotten worse. It's starting to become a problem. I hope this helps them. However, my teenage nieces are enmeshed in a really dysfunctional and at times abusive relationship with their BPD mother. I am afraid to be negative in their hearing about either their mother or their father (who's codependent and really acts like a doormat) because I know that causes problems. All I've been doing is trying to encourage their father to put them in therapy. However, he won't do it - probably because he doesn't like confrontation. I don't know how to help them. Their home life is just so chaotic, and now they're starting to have romantic relationships that are modeling their screwed up parents. I just try to spend time with them and tell them I love them and they're important. I just don't know what else to do. It's hugely frustrating to watch them go through all of the stuff I went through and not be able to help them in a meaningful way. Sorry, but at my wit's end. I feel like Cassandra screaming from the rooftops that the Greeks are coming but none of the Trojans listen. I just desperately want them to get therapy so they can work on their stuff before they're like me - in therapy for decades as an adult in order to have decent mental health. 😣
I read your post and my heart just broke. I can relate. I tried so hard to help my nieces and nephew, and then eventually I had to stop and just focus on my own small family. It's heartbreaking but remember to put your own mask on first. It's such a hornets nest being involved in that. My life is so nice and peaceful now. I will always miss them but it comes a point where you just have to let go and focus on you. If they are meant to be in your life, they will come around. Best wishes and take care.
I think its good to keep an eye on the things that spark bad memories of unresolved issues that you may have forgotten. My (likely BPD) mom frequently overstepped boundaries of appropriate parent-child relationships regarding things to do with sex, reproduction, bodily fluids, etc. She would get fixated and compulsively have to talk about whatever was in her mind that day. When my son was 10, I caught her trying to tell him details of what happens in a miscarriage. I told her to stop and set a boundary that she cant be alone with the kids. It was really upsetting because of the connection to my childhood experience and how it was kind of a "Pandora's box" for me. She has expressed grief a few times about "not having grandchildren" but she cant seem to understand the line of appropriateness and tries to tell me that im unique and unusual for not wanting those topics diacussed.
So many women like this. It's partly the expectations of women and the abuse they go through left untreated results in resentment and uncontrollable emotions. These parents are often found in "traditional" families.
To Dr Kim Sage I wish I had felt the wholeness of approval. I however have had to come to understand what it is to live with... what you are teaching here. From approx. 5 yrs old to my now 66 yrs old my survival has come from a revelation from me to myself that if I am to survive I will be my own Mother , I can tell myself I am good I am not a bad or conniving girl , no matter any pain or cost. The Mother in me will tell me when I am dishonest or wrong. I must depend only on my Mother in me I am invisible and safe when I need to be , no matter what. I have survived, but not without heartache , yet I am okay. My child and grandchild are so strong and have carried more confusion than could ever be fair Having had years of surviving these ups and downs without understanding I find your post clearly on target.Of course certain facts or situations cannot be the same . The message to open minds and experience will hopefully find some relief here as I have found much . " C" I so encourage you to carry on. Thank you .
Hmm... noticing near daily/weekly screaming matches between grandmother and aunty, while aunty is staying in grandmother's house... reminiscent of childhood Christmases. Grandmother has periods of being nice but then seems to push people's buttons and act all offended when they react.. she's like a narc/bpd hybrid. Interesting. Thanks for this video x
At the start of this I felt the wording and tone were appropriate for this subject matter. Then halfway through I felt like perhaps one of us had suffered a stroke....or maybe the 2nd half was the speak softly like you're an adult on Sesame Street and be patronizing as hell...OR you're absolutely blessed beyond words that in your experience and or reading you've seen an aw shucks ma that hurt my feelings moment- in which she GAVE a damn. My adoptive "mother" is nearly 81 an wow do they get sadistic and vile with age...
These all help me get back to center: PhD Podcasts Reading about the Neuroscience of Childhood Truama Mindfulness Affirmations Visualizations Clinical Psychology Grad level studies Tao Chi Shaolin Qigong Opera Singing Nature Walks Water Therapy Aroma Therapy Trauma Therapy
Dr. Sage, can you help me find a good DBT therapist in Central Illinois. I was definitely raised by a borderline mom and I unfortunately was one myself and I see some of this grandma trait in me... I want it to stop! Now! I want to pass help onto my kids in case they need it. Please!
As someone with BPD, it’s really sad to read all of these comments accusing of us of being monsters, abusers, and untreatable in therapy. I’m a nonviolent, compassionate individual who volunteers, loves animals, and is a good person despite my mental health struggles. But apparently just by me stating this I am automatically lying and being manipulative to get sympathy 🙄 I didn’t become aware of my diagnosis until a few years ago and have been vehemently working on emotional regulation and guess what? BPD has been confirmed to be a treatable and even curable disorder with consistent DBT types of therapy. I’m so sorry to anyone who has been emotionally or physically abused by someone with BPD or with any other mental health disorder. But as with most things in life, it’s a spectrum. We are good people and bad people, just like the general population. We can be violent or nonviolent, just like the general population. We can be amazing partners and friends, or we can be shitty ones. It’s all about self awareness and consistently working to better ourselves in therapy and out, and honestly, isn’t that something everyone should be doing anyway? 💜💕
Im so sorry that u have been exposed to these comments. But please understand that you are listening to grieving people who have never been heard, never been validated and never been aware of all that has been going on in their life. I know its all hard to hear and Im so glad you are seeking help. But some of us are at the end of our rope with no relief and hope in sight. We finally have a platform to express our pain in a safe place and some people are going all out. Its hard to talk about the good side when we have our chance to finally get it all out. Please use this comment section as an opportunity to see exactly what we go through. Please dont take it personal . We are so hurt and need relief. My heart goes out to you and i truly pray for your wellness. ❤
Hey! I feel you deeply on this im so sorry. Dont let it bring you down its a bunch of bologna. Bpd is highly treatable and actually even with no treatment at all it will likely get much better with time anyways. But good for you for putting the work in! Bpd people are kind loving and make great parents and partners its a choice. Bpd is just a huge huge challenge and a painful one i know myself :( but you are not a monster or any of those other rude obnoxious things these naive folks are saying. You got this and you will be great! ❤❤❤❤
My cousin is a workaholic and loves traveling weekends She’s too absent of a parent to think that her children and their mental health matter more than her own.
❤️Love to hear more from any of you who have had issues with your BPD mom as a grandparent - and any advice or thoughts you think might help others!? ❤️
My mother has BPD and uses the kids as pawns to make her look good. If they don't she discards them. The 2 that have spent the most time with her have ADHD. The middle grandson who spent less time with her has some slight ADD. She goes from nice to evil in milliseconds. I moved my kids away from. She always had negative things to say to them and yells etc. She makes negative remarks and tries to pit the kids and my sister against each other to serve her needs.
@@SexiPlaygirl1983 Thank you for sharing - sounds like you found healthy ways to protect your kids by moving- I know it's not easy -and I am so sorry, as I know when parents are grandparents like this - we also lose the grandparents we wanted for our kids. Please keep taking good care of yourself and protecting your family!
@Sarah Getske I am so sorry - it does sound like you are holding good boundaries as much as possible - I know it's not easy. So good you are protecting your kids - I know there is great healing in being the moms we wished we'd had....
Can you do a video on the grandparents when the adult children have BPD and the granchildren are sufferings but the parents undermine the grandparent and the grandchildren? When all the while the BPD adult children/parents project their issues blaming the grandmother and their children instead of seeking treatment?
Great content for when children are involved. But how does a 70 year old woman with BPD treat her husband? Or if she is single how will she act with romance? At age 70 what h as she used for coping mechanisms ? I ask because I am 68 dating a 70 year old woman with BPD and for the most part have decided to move on. As America ages t his could make some good new content concept for you I think.
I have not watched this video, and probably won't given the comments below.... people in denial deny that people who were diagnosed with BPD can get better, never perfect but better at living without harming others or themselves. I think it is sad that when you think you should not have anything to do with someone without at least attempting to understand the illness and as well, help the person with BPD face the issues. My daughters did and although they were cruel and mean, the gift I received is to finally after at 35 years of trying to get well or to even identify what was wrong with me, was the awareness and *some* hope in living well again. This is hereditary - it passes down through the generations, all of us are responsible for the healing process.
What about gaslighting, lying, talking behind backs, fragile emotionally. Always negative, obsessed with looks but can throw money at my son and act sweet to the face.
This is an old video and I probably won't get a reply, but my grandma is very much like this and I know my mom struggles with it a lot. My grandfather passed away and my uncle moved out of the country (good for him honestly) But now my mom has to deal with all of grandma's shit. My mom has a stressful job as well and I feel like it affects our relationship. I have pretty bad anxiety and I often feel very guilty because I know it's something my mom can't handle. It doesn't help that I'm my grandma's favorite grandkid and my mom was a scapegoat in her family. It's affecting my relationship with my her but I'm not sure what I can even do. I've been trying to get both of them into therapy but they don't want it. Sigh.
Just do your research, be honest about the abuse you have had and are still having, set hard boundaries or go no contact and heal your self. Nobody else - just you.
I'm one of these mothers fighting to keep my daughter away from her grandmother. It's really hard and painful as your grandmother is truly toxic. Your own mum and you will need therapy.
I only stopped listening because I didn't have grandmothers. One passed away in her 30s when mother was a few years old; the other on my father's side didn't have any interest in me and I only met her twice. So, I just don't have any experience with grandparents. Grandpas? About the same. One died before I was born, the other one I met twice or thrice.
This sounds like it is easy to just say to gm "please don't do this and that" and that is it. With my mum this is not possible. She would do silent treatment and punishing for that kind of request. So, the only way is NO CONTACT. You are too polite🙂
This not a Borderline specific set of behaviors and traits... This is across the board with all Cluster B Personality Disorders. Also, really, i'd say although everything is on a spectrum, and I am aware that some Borderline's fit your list more than others here.... I've found that all opf these behaviors you listed are committed more commonly in Narcissistic family dynamics and more dangerously/maliciously, callously and harmfully the higher the chain from Narcissistic to straight Psychopathic families. In shorrt, yes, they all do this crap. But the higher on the cluster b diagnosis lack of empathy list you het ... the less likely you are going to be able to easily identify those behgaviors and gtfo of those toxic familial situations and dynamics. The more physically mentally and emptionally damaged you end up as a resuly=t. Because BPD sufferrers depending on sevcerity and self awareness have that special trait of actually possessing true empathy for the mnost part. If not in the episodic moment but afterwards they are actually able to see a bit of reality and feel remorse which implies that they understand that they have acted or behaved in what would be termed "wrongh". Every other ckuster b disorder have no emplathy, at leaest emotional . That means they cannot bny definiton show remorse bev=cause they can;t and won;t ever have the capacity to see or accept any idea of them doing or being wrong, bad, qwhhatever. BPD has a chance, a real good one, of being able to be healed. This video just convinced me of that . I sure hope you aren't getting your cluster b traits and stuff conffued or meshed in a lump or whatever i hope ioty is correct because that means there is hope fpr somew of ythem. (tbh tho I thihnk you rerally just do not know what the difference is and lump everything into this BPD catagoryt. fURTHER RESEARCH IS REQUIRED ON MY PART . gOOD LUCK LADY AND THANKS A BUNMCH BUH BYE!!!!!! )
As a grandma with BPD, I realize there’s probably a lot of problems, but your video seems very unfair! And persecuting to a BPD person, especially those of us that have really been trying so very hard for years in therapy, wow I may as well just give up according to your video with my family so please be careful, we all don’t do all of these things some have worked very very hard on our issues. 😢
Then this doesn’t apply to you but it applies to others. BPD behaviour can be reversed with therapy so it’s great that you are doing the work and making changes. Saying that this video is relevant to many people and it’s very self focused to criticise it just because the isn’t your behaviour.
I believe it is unfair when those with BPD project the BPD onto the parent and trash talk their parent and are the aggressor but the parent/grandparents gets blamed---especially for things that never really happened.
If this helps anyone. Blame thier old school parents who guilt tripped & abused them. Let the person know before going no contact, they should recognize what trauma they had is something they must work on because you are not interested in the negativity or toxic behavior. Say it is hurting people not just you. Let them reflect on that.. if they choose to continue to be insufferable that is thier problem. They choose to be alone in a nursing home later in life! My father is realizing that at 60 now. Move FAR AWAY if you must that is the ultimate way to solve this problem. Your peace 🍃 ✨️ is far more important. You matter!
@ivydark9741 That's so wild same here, mine is an addict who only reaches out 2 days after each DR appmt I have.. shows up in person since I blocked her number begging for pills I don't even have. Told her I hope she seeks counseling for substance abuse because I have been sober 4.5 yrs.. And I'm not interested in being around family who do not take sobriety seriously. Much love from Missouri 🫶🫶💗💗 Best thing I ever did, and have not spoken to my father since last year and it's been amazing
I’m going through the resentment phase after realizing just how damaged I was by my own mother.. 28 years old and I’m just seeing it now. She emotionally parentified me at the age of 5 up until literally last week, when I set boundaries and refused to be her therapist. I’m having a hard time getting over the sheer amount of straight bulls*it she put me through because she was incapable of self reflection and change. I don’t care how this sounds, as a daughter of a BPD mother, they should NOT be parents unless they are in treatment. BPD is volatile and parents who have it unchecked ruin their children’s lives, and then they deny that adult child any kind of closure because nothing is ever their fault… my own mother scaring my children with her outbursts and making my eldest cry because she fully told her that she is bad, too much, too loud, too this, too that. I was conditioned all my life to protect my mom, but let me tell you when she pulled that crap, I snapped at her and kicked her out. Over my dead body, it ends with me.
You are very lucky to recognise it at 28. I am 40 and only now I have decided that she either seeks therapy or I am going no contact.
BPD gran MIL just went through and reorganized my daughter’s room and stuff without her permission today while she was at school. Classic lack of boundaries.
Thank you for this. I am so tired of people feeling sorry for these monsters. They destroy families....generations even....with their mind games and constant denial. They need to be held accountable and forced into therapy or something. It is a nightmare to be their child, some (my siblings) commit suicide and/or become severely mentally ill themselves.
All the good people can ditch the bad people. Then all the bad people will be left in a hell of their own design.. having to deal only with one another. :-)
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 Good/Bad
Black/White
Black n white thinking is characteristic of children
And people with bpd
@@Ulterior-l4k yes, knowing which people are generally virtuous vs which are not means one has bpd. thank you, dr.
lol
remember, friends, bad persons will tell you not to trust your perceptions or instincts. this is because their kind wants good persons to remain available and off guard for their abuses.
tell them to GET LOST. if they need persuasion, oblige. :)
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 who would be the one to decide who is good or bad? You may as well be a covert narcissist writing that and projecting
I made the mistake of paying my borderline mother to help with my toddlers. She just flew back home after 3 long years. It started off great but I knew it wouldn’t last. Time to heal now.
My mother kept my brother and I away from my grandmother as much as possible because she admitted that grandma was emotionally abusive. Yet now here I sit, 49 years old, mom is 74, and she treated me in just the same cruel, abusive way that her mother treated her. Yet while my mother can admit that her own mother was abusive and that it harmed her, SHE CANNOT admit that she repeated the cycle with me. I am not emotionally healed and stable enough to handle the constant and unpredictable barrage of her abusive behaviors and so I have had to completely cut off all contact with her. Despite that, I am still unable to get my life together because THE TRAUMA RUNS DEEP. Thank goodness I didn't have any children because I would NEVER allow her around them - even with me around. She has no boundaries with children, whether they are related to her or not, and will NOT hesitate to criticize them in the most cruel ways. She has literally said that it is her duty as an adult. She completely views emotional abuse AS GOOD PARENTING. What upsets me is that she worked as a teacher's aide for decades AND LEARNED TO CONTROL HER TEMPER WITH THOSE CHILDREN BUT NOT WITH HER OWN.
My MIL has started a campaign to turn her grandkids (my children) against me. The last straw when she tried it with my granddaughter. My husband is her favored son, so I seem to be her nemesis. She has called CPS on us, called our daughter disgusting to have gotten pregnant at 18 in public in front of people, called one grandson a jerk (over and over to anyone who would listen) because he no longer needed her to pay for his braces when he got a good job. She has no friends left. So far she has alienated 2 daughters-in-law, 2 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren. My oldest son and his family plus my husband are on deck to be next if she won't stop. I don't think she can help herself. It's sad watching her toxicity tear her family apart.
I just recently discovered your channel and it is so helpful, life saving even! I finally went no contact with my family of origin 6 months ago after 30 years of on again, off again crazy-making nonsense drama and conflict. My grandmother went into a rage each time I told her what names we picked for my children. I guess each time she fantasized that she would be choosing their names. By the time I had my 3rd child, she called him by the name she wanted anyway and treated him like an outcast. That is when I finally fully accepted that it is NOT ME that is flawed, but my family of origin that is psychotic and abusive. I knew I had to leave for good in order to protect my "new" family.
Congratulations on DOING that which you need to do in a timely manner relative to where you are in your life !!! My mother died. Then and only then was i able (gradually) to learn to care for my emotioal being. Because she was soo STHCARY…!!!
I told my Narcissistic m-other that she had "favoritism for her grandchildren but she is in Denial 🙄
She just described my life. I fought to cut off all contact between my mother and my daughter when she was 7. I will be disinherited as a result and I still know I did the right thing. My daughter is an emotionally healthy girl. My mother is a very sick cruel and broken woman and I have no wish to ever engage with her again. Protect your children from these deeply damaged people.
I feel you. My daughter starts crying at the thought of physically meeting my BPD mother again.
You described my mom as a grandmother. 100%.
Mine too.
My BPD mother in law is so great with the little kids and babies, but as soon as my son grew up a bit the conflicts began, because the control is gone with the big one now
That’s so crazy, I have a mother who is also great with little kids and babies but has conflicts once they get older. I have also wondered what kind of personality disorder she might have but never heard anyone else say this.
Typical borderline. My mother used to adore my daughter, but went ape shit abusive once she turned 9.
Asking her not to confront me (constant, neverending confrontation about literally everything) in front of my son/her grandson is ludicrous. How else is she going to demonstrate her superiority over everything I try to do (and then on mothers day tell me what an incredible mother I am, baited with "you're much better than I ever was")?
When I finally went no contact with her last March, my then 17yo child couldn't block her fast enough, and to this day he's the one who tells us if she got a new number because she'll text him and not us.
It's mind-blowing how formulaic and common this is, and yet is almost impossible to navigate. I had to finally listen to my son and validate his observations that she is a very dangerous person to me. It's been so hard and I'm ate up with guilt at every second of the day, still, almost a year later - even though she only tried once to contact me again after we cut her off, to say "Well I guess you're not talking to me anymore but I just wanted to let you know about (something something)"
My son is autistic, and it's shaping up that I will get that diagnosis as well. Which makes her even more of a monster. To treat her own autistic daughter and grandson like that, screaming at us about who's a n*zi and who isn't, etc etc
I hate her
I used to feel bad about that but let's face it, I hate her and the world will be a better place without her when she finally dies alone and miserable in her rat and spider infested trailer out in the middle of rural Tennessee.
Editing to add:
Her mom was a surprise rager, she is a surprise rager, and both her brothers married surprise rager women with surprise raging kids of their own. All the family reunions I was forced to go to were essentially the set of Jerry Springer and I know I'm far from alone in this.
I’m absolutely terrified of how my mom will affect my daughter. I’m still pregnant but since I found out my mother had attached herself so much to me and the baby. Suggesting to be in the birth room, saying she’ll stop working so she can baby sit full time while I work, buying the baby stuff constantly... which in a normal mom would be great.. of course I wish I had an emotionally healthy mother. But I just didn’t.
I just don’t want her to affect my daughter the way she did me and my siblings growing up. It’s been a breath of fresh air these last few years living on my own and not having to deal with her daily. But I just know she’s going to latch onto the baby and I’m fearful of how it’s going to turn out. It’s just hard and scary. I just wanna protect my girl from both her and my dad. My father is a sociopath and was very abusive growing up. I’ve already established no contact with him. But I might have to do the same with my mother if I see the unhealthy patterns rise in her relationship to my daughter
I'm so sorry! I have been through similar. Start researching "how to establish boundaries" You must give boundaries and consequences for when mom breaks those boundaries. The book "Boundaries " by Dr Henry Cloud is great. Hopefully you have already established a boundary with you & baby not going to their house bc of your Dad's abuse.
I had my daughter 4 weeks early. My mom insisted on being in the room and their was a verbal argument in the delivery room with my hubby, it was a nightmare and I don't wish this on you. My mother also insisted on coming to "help" with my newborn and then proceeded to stay for 3 weeks. She wasn't any "help". She kept me up all night wanting to talk and I was like a zombie who desperately needed sleep. She refused to cook or do dishes (or wash the pump), all she wanted to do was hold the baby and bond with the baby. She wanted hubby to cook for all of us and kept complaining bc she had to sleep on the couch (bc I was in the spare room trying to nurse every 2 hours). She made me a nervous wreck and being a first time mother with a preemie was hard enough. Please be smarter than me! Best wishes and congratulations on your new baby!!!
Listen to yourself and don’t gaslight yourself before it’s too late. My son is only Two and I wish I had listened to myself sooner.
My mum was the exact same when I was pregnant but she's switched since his birth. He's 4 months old now she's seen him maybe 7 times she lives 10 minutes from me. She says she takes days pff work to help me but is late or has an excuse not to show up. She talks to the baby saying that "mummy lives you even when you drive her crazy" - NOT TRUE "I'm your favourite gran"- no that will deffos be my MIL, "I'm going to steal you from your mum if she dosent let me take you" she also buys us stuff constantly to buy our approval. She's trying to tell me to add formula so she can feed my baby even though I'm happily breastfeeding and expressing for breastmilk bottles. And she also has started trying to divide me and my boyfriend by acting like he dosent help enough :/
It's so much like my story - also the comments, it's incredible! Had some great years with my mom hardly around, then got pregnant - she's all in. I said I don't want anyone here in the last trimester and first weeks after birth - she was all set up to book an apartment with kitchen next to me behind my back to make me a surprise and cook for me. Would be great with another mom, but mine is such a stress that I would lose milk the minute I saw her. She completely ignored this boundary I set and only gave up on that after she accidentally read an article about toxic in-laws (thanks be to God). Then I told her to not send me presents because my house is full of crap and I had an accident falling with my bump right onto one of many baby boxes in my room (luckily all good) - my mom said I need to fulfill other people's needs (in the 9th pregnancy month as well, apparently) and learn to accept presents - so she sent me another box and yet another a month later. I was super upset - she like handpicked everything in the box and washed it and ironed, but I just cried for several hours when I saw this yet another box because I felt so disrespected. Finally we decided to send it right back, because that's how you establish boundaries... Then she cried on the phone and blocked me on all channels. So that's what happens when you don't give in (I see in other comments what happens when you do - I seriously cannot imagine having her in the delivery room!). I don't regret it at all, and while it's sad, I am just relaxing now that she left me in peace.
I think you already know what you need to do, as heartbreaking as it feels.
I watched this video when it came out 2 years ago and I just watched it again. Everything you say is so true and that's definitely been my experience. The sh*t-talking, the story telling about what a horrible teenager I was, on and on. Thank you for this video! I know you've done some holiday videos recently - I would love to see you do a video on bpd grandparents and the holidays. My mother goes completely overboard on the gift -giving, she doesn't recognize or care about our requests to limit the gifts, she insists that everything be a certain way and we all must follow her traditions, she clearly favors the young grandkids and gets all judgy with the older ones that express their preferences. And then there's the unstable moods, outbursts, and the odd meltdown. And then the silent treatments and shit talking to the rest of the family if someone pushes back. She believes she's the queen bee and the most important person in the family and we all must be submissive to her and walk on eggshells. It's exhausting! Thank you for everything you do, Dr. Sage - your videos are so helpful and validating!
Omg, it is like I posted all this.
You’re describing my mother to the “t”. That’s why I try to keep my children away from her as much as possible.
Me too. I'm on my third restraining order with mine. Keep your kids away from her.
My mother had made no effort with my child, he's 4 months old and she barely sees him and she lives about 10 minutes from me. She gets jealous that his other family members and other grandparents spend time with him yet she is does not make much effort to visit us or even look at the group chat for videos and photos of him doing new things so it's hard to constantly chase after her asking her to go and look. I give up
My mother had bpd (undiagnosed) and I have it (diagnosed) but I had to go NC with my mum to protect my children. Thanks for this video.
My oldest son is my mom’s FP and she hates my youngest. My youngest had to start therapy at 9 because of the emotional abuse and manipulation. He now understands at 11 that she’s mentally ill and wants no contact. Same as me. Difficult because my oldest has no clue and only gets the good parts of her. She’s literally destroyed my whole life, but I’m still working on healing 🤍
This is part of the reason why I never had children - in fact the desire to have them was suffocated and when I thought of it, I could very well imagine how it would look like.
Me too
Me also
Same
I had 2 'surprises'. I guess God intended for me to have kids. I sure didn't intent to pass this cr*p along. I am raising them very differently, so I tell them at least they will have "different" problems?
@@BobbiGail That's great, I don't think the shit gets passed necessarily...sometimes it does, sometimes not...specialy if you are aware of sick narc dynamics in your original family. But for some of us, I suppose the root desire to have children is suffocated veryearly...these are subconscious processes - before knowing about narcissism and knowing how deeply sick my original family was, I just thought it must be me, my nature, but I know now it was my childhood - the burden of being parents' emotional crutch all of my life, being at the same time parentefied and infanitilized...depending on the situation, broke the camels' back.
So much of this hits home and really validates the experience. The gift-giving, the splitting, the unsolicited parenting advice…
This hits home on every level😢I am so torn between completely cutting my kids’ time with grandma or trying to work with her since she is their partial childcare giver.
There’s no working with them, because they don’t work on themselves- no matter how you beg and plead. Just save your self. Save your children. It only gets worse and worse.
What is said here: pleading to their senses for them not to overstep does NOT work. They might try but it’s a constant battle and eventually they will crack and explode.
My whole pregnancy my mother in law (diagnosed BPD) went mad knitting blankets and gifts every single week etc, she said she had a dream that he would look JUST like my husband, when she walked into the hospital whn I gave birth and she saw him her body language went from excited and nervous to absolutely dissapontment and anger and she said "oh, he looks like YOU!- but I had dream that he would look like (my husband/her son)". She baby sat for us a bit in the first 3 months, by month 3 she went ballistic and stated fighting with every single family member individually, especially her sister whome we also let baby sit, she stopped speaking to us and told us she is busy during the week fixing her house and on weekends she's busy catching up on hair appointments etc, I messaged her one day asking if she could baby sit but she had blocked me, she then threatened suicide in Easter to her daughter who is living overseas who phoned us in a panic, we went low contact after realising everything she was doing was only for attention, she then snuck up our driveway and left a note declaring she is done with us and we are keeping her grandchild from her- and she returned her motherday gift because we didn't put enough effort into it, a few days later she snuck up the driveway and gave a chocolate bar that said "I'm sorry", because by that point we had all blocked her, she sent an email saying "ill always love you, I think ill always miss you".... wtf you THINK??? She cant even genuinely apologize
Sounds like a real crazy woman
@@riccardo5089 hahahahahahahaha
"Make sure you take care of MY baby girl" I was pregnant, we diden't know the gender yet.
When I was 6 Months pregnant she made 180 turn and was super nasty, fliped everyone off and pissed off to spain over x-mass. 4 days bevore I went in to labore she insisted to have the shared car even tho my husband told her not to. He imodiatly bought one we own and don't share. She still haden't talked to me since she was nasty, but then insisted to come imidiatly when baby was born. We refused, she got angry sent a shitty gift and she never saw her granddaughter but berated me, blamed me for everything that wnt wrong in her life, even searched my mums phone number and called and herassed her, blocked me, unblocked me, called me jalous and that I am taking her babies from her. a week ago i saw her again with my daughter. Now she completly love bombs me and wants the grandchild for trips and knits dresses and drives me crazy. I should have never broken the no contact.
@@More13Feen when my baby was 2.5 months old she..... (lord, I'm cringing so hard typing this), she was holding my baby and he was hungry she let him LATCH her through her clothes in resturant infront of everyone! Exclaiming "look! Look! Its just natural, he just knows where the BOOBIES are", we sat shocked in absolute horror. She cannot ever be around her own son without mentioning her boobs or being naked. There are so many levels of inappropriate here im absolutely speechless. I didn't know how to react, it took every ounce of husband's willpower not to punch his own mother
@@jeans398 whaaatttt? The lack of self awearness and inapropriate behavior! I mean I come from a breastfeeding open culture but FOR YOUR OWN KIDS!
I am so sorry you had to expirience that! We truly shoulden't have to deal with that level of BS as fresh parents. Its such a vulnerable staage in life... I hooe you are finding peace and as much help as you need ❤
Starting to realize that this is prevalent in my family system..... Thats a hard thing to realize.
I love your calm, gentle manner.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your videos and educational material. I am so happy to have found it, but so sad I was unaware of BPD until just a few years ago (did a lot of reading and searching for what was happening in my mom dynamic and was mind-blown by "Understanding the Borderline Mother"). I wish I had this valuable info so much sooner. My mother is classic BPD to the nines. I worry about the effect she has had on my daughter as well (my mom likes to go to her directly to talk badly about me, etc.). 🙁
My grandmother was an incarnation of Joan Crawford. Being left alone with her allowed her the space to commit many felony criminal child abuse offenses upon me. Personally, I would NEVER expose a child to an axis-II, Cluster B person. If a parent allows someone to abuse their child, the parent might face criminal charges and have their child taken away by the state….I wish I had been taken out of that living hell.
My step son still visits his grandma and spends the night. He wants to go cuz she showers him with gifts and lets him stay up and wach movies. I decided that she will not get to establish a relationship with my daughter. Right now we are checking if we can do ocasional visits avter having been no contact for 1,5 years... So I am getting love bombed and manipulated right now and I am worried, cuz if I set boundroes she will flip and I am worried for my stepson...
This is like saying that all people with BPD are awful people. Not true and is a huge reason stigma is perpetuated. Stigma prevents these very people from getting real help so it does nothing but create more shame in a disorder based in shame.
@@Yettiboyranch I know what you mean belive me! But abuse is abuse. One of my best friends has BPD and she went to theraphie and is a wonderfull mother to her child. My MIL wasn't a good mum, went to Theraphie as a 50 year old and it has helped her, but not the ppl around her. So yes bpd isen't the same for everyone, but not being aloud to speak up about the abuse you suffer as a relative of some ppl with BPD, dosen't help BPD to get better. I think most ppl get that its is not one size fits all with mental disorders.
Your videos are so helpful to me Kim.
If I just learn one thing it is that triggers will come from activating BPDs & NPDs. That doesn't mean that I am not healing or growing. Today I can self sooth after an Activating Experience. ☺
YES!!
Thank you so much for this video. Since personality disorders keep replicating themselves in families, on both my and my husband's side of the family, we have people with BPD, codependency, narcissism, etc. My husband and I don't have children, but I have nieces and nephews who either have a mother who has BPD or have grandmothers with BPD. My husband and I are the only ones in therapy and working on this. I've forwarded this video to my sister-in-law and brother since they've been complaining about my mother's behavior. They use my mother for child care a few times a week, and at first things were going great, but then as the kids have gotten older and more independent, my mother's behavior has gotten worse. It's starting to become a problem. I hope this helps them.
However, my teenage nieces are enmeshed in a really dysfunctional and at times abusive relationship with their BPD mother. I am afraid to be negative in their hearing about either their mother or their father (who's codependent and really acts like a doormat) because I know that causes problems. All I've been doing is trying to encourage their father to put them in therapy. However, he won't do it - probably because he doesn't like confrontation. I don't know how to help them. Their home life is just so chaotic, and now they're starting to have romantic relationships that are modeling their screwed up parents. I just try to spend time with them and tell them I love them and they're important. I just don't know what else to do. It's hugely frustrating to watch them go through all of the stuff I went through and not be able to help them in a meaningful way. Sorry, but at my wit's end. I feel like Cassandra screaming from the rooftops that the Greeks are coming but none of the Trojans listen. I just desperately want them to get therapy so they can work on their stuff before they're like me - in therapy for decades as an adult in order to have decent mental health. 😣
I read your post and my heart just broke. I can relate. I tried so hard to help my nieces and nephew, and then eventually I had to stop and just focus on my own small family. It's heartbreaking but remember to put your own mask on first. It's such a hornets nest being involved in that. My life is so nice and peaceful now. I will always miss them but it comes a point where you just have to let go and focus on you. If they are meant to be in your life, they will come around. Best wishes and take care.
I think its good to keep an eye on the things that spark bad memories of unresolved issues that you may have forgotten. My (likely BPD) mom frequently overstepped boundaries of appropriate parent-child relationships regarding things to do with sex, reproduction, bodily fluids, etc. She would get fixated and compulsively have to talk about whatever was in her mind that day. When my son was 10, I caught her trying to tell him details of what happens in a miscarriage. I told her to stop and set a boundary that she cant be alone with the kids. It was really upsetting because of the connection to my childhood experience and how it was kind of a "Pandora's box" for me. She has expressed grief a few times about "not having grandchildren" but she cant seem to understand the line of appropriateness and tries to tell me that im unique and unusual for not wanting those topics diacussed.
You did such a good job with this video. Perfect description and advice on boundaries! DS, LCSW
thank you so much!🙏🏻💕
So many women like this. It's partly the expectations of women and the abuse they go through left untreated results in resentment and uncontrollable emotions. These parents are often found in "traditional" families.
Wow. Just wow. Thank you. This just validated so much for me. 🌸🦋
You are so welcome:)!!
To Dr Kim Sage
I wish I had felt the wholeness of approval.
I however have had to come to understand what it is to live with...
what you are teaching here. From approx. 5 yrs old to my now 66 yrs old
my survival has come from a revelation
from me to myself
that if I am to survive I will be my own
Mother , I can tell myself I am good I am not a bad or conniving girl , no matter any pain or cost. The Mother in me will tell me when I am dishonest or wrong.
I must depend only on my Mother in me I am invisible and safe when I need to be , no matter what.
I have survived, but not without heartache , yet I am okay. My child and grandchild are so strong and have carried more confusion than could ever be fair
Having had years of surviving these ups and downs without understanding I find your post clearly on target.Of course certain facts or situations cannot be the same . The message to open minds and experience will hopefully find some relief here as I have found much .
" C"
I so encourage you to carry on. Thank you .
I'm a mother. It's about the grandmother that I've subscribed to you're channel.
Hmm... noticing near daily/weekly screaming matches between grandmother and aunty, while aunty is staying in grandmother's house... reminiscent of childhood Christmases. Grandmother has periods of being nice but then seems to push people's buttons and act all offended when they react.. she's like a narc/bpd hybrid. Interesting. Thanks for this video x
Oh. My. Goodness. This. All of this.
At the start of this I felt the wording and tone were appropriate for this subject matter. Then halfway through I felt like perhaps one of us had suffered a stroke....or maybe the 2nd half was the speak softly like you're an adult on Sesame Street and be patronizing as hell...OR you're absolutely blessed beyond words that in your experience and or reading you've seen an aw shucks ma that hurt my feelings moment- in which she GAVE a damn. My adoptive "mother" is nearly 81 an wow do they get sadistic and vile with age...
I really could have used this video like 15-20 years ago.
These all help me get back to center:
PhD Podcasts
Reading about the Neuroscience of Childhood Truama
Mindfulness
Affirmations
Visualizations
Clinical Psychology Grad level studies
Tao Chi
Shaolin Qigong
Opera Singing
Nature Walks
Water Therapy
Aroma Therapy
Trauma Therapy
Thank you for sharing!!:)
Dr. Sage, can you help me find a good DBT therapist in Central Illinois. I was definitely raised by a borderline mom and I unfortunately was one myself and I see some of this grandma trait in me... I want it to stop! Now! I want to pass help onto my kids in case they need it. Please!
Well, my grandmother doesn't have these behaviors, so whatever's going on with her it's not this. Thanks for the video: )
If there are some similarities - we can see overlap in Narcissistic/Histrionic PD and CPTSD (among others) but they can present very differently.
@@DrKimSage Thank you for replying. I enjoyed your video. Hope you have a great day : )
Lol so something else is wrong with yours lol
As someone with BPD, it’s really sad to read all of these comments accusing of us of being monsters, abusers, and untreatable in therapy. I’m a nonviolent, compassionate individual who volunteers, loves animals, and is a good person despite my mental health struggles. But apparently just by me stating this I am automatically lying and being manipulative to get sympathy 🙄 I didn’t become aware of my diagnosis until a few years ago and have been vehemently working on emotional regulation and guess what? BPD has been confirmed to be a treatable and even curable disorder with consistent DBT types of therapy. I’m so sorry to anyone who has been emotionally or physically abused by someone with BPD or with any other mental health disorder. But as with most things in life, it’s a spectrum. We are good people and bad people, just like the general population. We can be violent or nonviolent, just like the general population. We can be amazing partners and friends, or we can be shitty ones. It’s all about self awareness and consistently working to better ourselves in therapy and out, and honestly, isn’t that something everyone should be doing anyway? 💜💕
Im so sorry that u have been exposed to these comments. But please understand that you are listening to grieving people who have never been heard, never been validated and never been aware of all that has been going on in their life. I know its all hard to hear and Im so glad you are seeking help. But some of us are at the end of our rope with no relief and hope in sight. We finally have a platform to express our pain in a safe place and some people are going all out. Its hard to talk about the good side when we have our chance to finally get it all out. Please use this comment section as an opportunity to see exactly what we go through. Please dont take it personal . We are so hurt and need relief. My heart goes out to you and i truly pray for your wellness. ❤
Hey! I feel you deeply on this im so sorry. Dont let it bring you down its a bunch of bologna. Bpd is highly treatable and actually even with no treatment at all it will likely get much better with time anyways. But good for you for putting the work in! Bpd people are kind loving and make great parents and partners its a choice. Bpd is just a huge huge challenge and a painful one i know myself :( but you are not a monster or any of those other rude obnoxious things these naive folks are saying. You got this and you will be great! ❤❤❤❤
Thank you. It is a devastating disorder for all. And it is on a spectrum. But with the right help and the will to change it can be overcome, managed.
You're amazing
My cousin is a workaholic and loves traveling weekends
She’s too absent of a parent to think that her children and their mental health matter more than her own.
❤️Love to hear more from any of you who have had issues with your BPD mom as a grandparent - and any advice or thoughts you think might help others!? ❤️
My mother has BPD and uses the kids as pawns to make her look good. If they don't she discards them. The 2 that have spent the most time with her have ADHD. The middle grandson who spent less time with her has some slight ADD. She goes from nice to evil in milliseconds. I moved my kids away from. She always had negative things to say to them and yells etc. She makes negative remarks and tries to pit the kids and my sister against each other to serve her needs.
@@SexiPlaygirl1983 Thank you for sharing - sounds like you found healthy ways to protect your kids by moving- I know it's not easy -and I am so sorry, as I know when parents are grandparents like this - we also lose the grandparents we wanted for our kids. Please keep taking good care of yourself and protecting your family!
She villinizes my boundaries and makes her self the victim.
@Sarah Getske I am so sorry - it does sound like you are holding good boundaries as much as possible - I know it's not easy. So good you are protecting your kids - I know there is great healing in being the moms we wished we'd had....
Encourage them to get treatment. If they refuse - go no contact.
I enjoy your videos so much ❤
Can you do a video on the grandparents when the adult children have BPD and the granchildren are sufferings but the parents undermine the grandparent and the grandchildren? When all the while the BPD adult children/parents project their issues blaming the grandmother and their children instead of seeking treatment?
THANK YOU
SHE RUINED MY LIFE
When i was little when grandma & mom would visit there would all ways fight so allways when we got home i got" beat"on and on!!
Great content for when children are involved. But how does a 70 year old woman with BPD treat her husband? Or if she is single how will she act with romance? At age 70 what h as she used for coping mechanisms ? I ask because I am 68 dating a 70 year old woman with BPD and for the most part have decided to move on. As America ages t his could make some good new content concept for you I think.
Move on from this BPD woman. My father was destroyed by my BPD mother. She was unbelievably cruel to him....save yourself
My narcissistic father is one of the main reasons my mother's BPD got so much worse with age. He suffers a lot, but he is bearing his cross.
I have not watched this video, and probably won't given the comments below.... people in denial deny that people who were diagnosed with BPD can get better, never perfect but better at living without harming others or themselves. I think it is sad that when you think you should not have anything to do with someone without at least attempting to understand the illness and as well, help the person with BPD face the issues. My daughters did and although they were cruel and mean, the gift I received is to finally after at 35 years of trying to get well or to even identify what was wrong with me, was the awareness and *some* hope in living well again.
This is hereditary - it passes down through the generations, all of us are responsible for the healing process.
Sorry, but no. Children have no responsibility to heal their BPD parents.
What about gaslighting, lying, talking behind backs, fragile emotionally. Always negative, obsessed with looks but can throw money at my son and act sweet to the face.
Find a support group ‼️‼️‼️
Doing God’s work!
This is an old video and I probably won't get a reply, but my grandma is very much like this and I know my mom struggles with it a lot. My grandfather passed away and my uncle moved out of the country (good for him honestly) But now my mom has to deal with all of grandma's shit. My mom has a stressful job as well and I feel like it affects our relationship. I have pretty bad anxiety and I often feel very guilty because I know it's something my mom can't handle. It doesn't help that I'm my grandma's favorite grandkid and my mom was a scapegoat in her family. It's affecting my relationship with my her but I'm not sure what I can even do. I've been trying to get both of them into therapy but they don't want it. Sigh.
Just do your research, be honest about the abuse you have had and are still having, set hard boundaries or go no contact and heal your self. Nobody else - just you.
I'm one of these mothers fighting to keep my daughter away from her grandmother. It's really hard and painful as your grandmother is truly toxic. Your own mum and you will need therapy.
I’m waiting for you to get to what borderline grannies do.
I only stopped listening because I didn't have grandmothers. One passed away in her 30s when mother was a few years old; the other on my father's side didn't have any interest in me and I only met her twice. So, I just don't have any experience with grandparents. Grandpas? About the same. One died before I was born, the other one I met twice or thrice.
What if they show fake love to the face and talks crap behind the back
This sounds like it is easy to just say to gm "please don't do this and that" and that is it. With my mum this is not possible. She would do silent treatment and punishing for that kind of request. So, the only way is NO CONTACT. You are too polite🙂
No contact
I agree
Same.
My mom takes a bunch of pictures when my son comes to visit then sits on the couch and gives him weird looks. He is Autistic.
sorry but, what is wrong with her?
My grandma give my mom knifes to play with!! When she was little..
This not a Borderline specific set of behaviors and traits... This is across the board with all Cluster B Personality Disorders. Also, really, i'd say although everything is on a spectrum, and I am aware that some Borderline's fit your list more than others here.... I've found that all opf these behaviors you listed are committed more commonly in Narcissistic family dynamics and more dangerously/maliciously, callously and harmfully the higher the chain from Narcissistic to straight Psychopathic families. In shorrt, yes, they all do this crap. But the higher on the cluster b diagnosis lack of empathy list you het ... the less likely you are going to be able to easily identify those behgaviors and gtfo of those toxic familial situations and dynamics. The more physically mentally and emptionally damaged you end up as a resuly=t. Because BPD sufferrers depending on sevcerity and self awareness have that special trait of actually possessing true empathy for the mnost part. If not in the episodic moment but afterwards they are actually able to see a bit of reality and feel remorse which implies that they understand that they have acted or behaved in what would be termed "wrongh". Every other ckuster b disorder have no emplathy, at leaest emotional . That means they cannot bny definiton show remorse bev=cause they can;t and won;t ever have the capacity to see or accept any idea of them doing or being wrong, bad, qwhhatever. BPD has a chance, a real good one, of being able to be healed. This video just convinced me of that . I sure hope you aren't getting your cluster b traits and stuff conffued or meshed in a lump or whatever i hope ioty is correct because that means there is hope fpr somew of ythem. (tbh tho I thihnk you rerally just do not know what the difference is and lump everything into this BPD catagoryt. fURTHER RESEARCH IS REQUIRED ON MY PART . gOOD LUCK LADY AND THANKS A BUNMCH BUH BYE!!!!!! )
As a grandma with BPD, I realize there’s probably a lot of problems, but your video seems very unfair! And persecuting to a BPD person, especially those of us that have really been trying so very hard for years in therapy, wow I may as well just give up according to your video with my family so please be careful, we all don’t do all of these things some have worked very very hard on our issues. 😢
Then this doesn’t apply to you but it applies to others. BPD behaviour can be reversed with therapy so it’s great that you are doing the work and making changes. Saying that this video is relevant to many people and it’s very self focused to criticise it just because the isn’t your behaviour.
This video is not to individuals with BPD. It’s for those of us who have to navigate this minefield.
I believe it is unfair when those with BPD project the BPD onto the parent and trash talk their parent and are the aggressor but the parent/grandparents gets blamed---especially for things that never really happened.
If this helps anyone. Blame thier old school parents who guilt tripped & abused them.
Let the person know before going no contact, they should recognize what trauma they had is something they must work on because you are not interested in the negativity or toxic behavior. Say it is hurting people not just you.
Let them reflect on that.. if they choose to continue to be insufferable that is thier problem. They choose to be alone in a nursing home later in life! My father is realizing that at 60 now.
Move FAR AWAY if you must that is the ultimate way to solve this problem. Your peace 🍃 ✨️ is far more important. You matter!
I am telling my mum to go to therapy or I go no contact. I have had enough.
@ivydark9741 That's so wild same here, mine is an addict who only reaches out 2 days after each DR appmt I have.. shows up in person since I blocked her number begging for pills I don't even have. Told her I hope she seeks counseling for substance abuse because I have been sober 4.5 yrs.. And I'm not interested in being around family who do not take sobriety seriously. Much love from Missouri 🫶🫶💗💗 Best thing I ever did, and have not spoken to my father since last year and it's been amazing