I sometimes do the opposite, I call too many people "they" because I can't recognize faces so I play it safe unless they have a unique voice I can attach to their pronouns.
Ive been trying to train myself to call everyone they until I find out different (via other people referring to them or them telling me directly) cos I find its easier. I do also use they/them pronouns so there is a bit of that in there too.
I cannot agree more about if we correct you it means we believe you are worth correcting. Being a nonpassing trans woman, I have to walk away from many people who aren't worth my time arguing with about my pronouns...
I'm guilty of the "I feel so bad" response. I didn't even realize I was doing something wrong until now. Thanks for pointing that out. I appreciate it.
Luxander, thank-you so much for showing us how to deal with this difficult problem. Your vid is compassionate and gives helpful, practical advice. I thought the examples you shared were spot-on, especially how to respond in casual, formal and professional situations. When you misgender someone, immediately apologize and QUICKLY move on with the conversation/discussion. Do not make a big drawn-out apology, because drawing out the apology furthers the hurt and discomfort.
I accidently gendered someone wrong, not on purpose, not in a mean way at all, I apologised almost instantly, The other person in this scenario was fine and corrected it politely they we very calm and I appreciated that (this is were it should have ended right after my apology). It was every one else who then jumped to give advice and a lecture about how bad it is to gender people etc that dragged it out that then in turn made me feel worse this caused my anxiety to sky rocket and I ended up having a bad panic attack (because I do actually care) and was so upset because I am a very accepting person and it was almost like being shamed for a complete accident! I was mortified (if you broke a glass of milk on some ones floor you apologise and clean it up right? But if you do this and the people around keep telling you how awful it was, it's then becoume a much bigger thing than it should have benn when it's truly was nothing more than an accident) . I think this is something for others to also be mindful of. I think it's important to correct some one kindly, if you do it in a way that is overbearing, shaming, angry etc i think you end up doing exactly what your trying to preach against and this is when you can end up losing the support of some one who previously had always been very supportive.. for instance who siad it wrong? is it a really good friend, family or stranger ? If it was a very close friend chances are most likely it was an accident and we should be calm in correcting it, if it was some nut case across the road screaming out profanity at you then yes by all means let them have it.
This was super helpful. Sometimes this can be a similar situation to learning peoples names, which I really struggle with. This is probably a good way to deal with misnaming somebody too. I have a terrible memory sometimes and this is really helpful for those times when memory fails. Thanks for all that you do, and you make my gay heart happy!! 💜
In addition to what everyone else is saying about this video being *immensely* helpful regarding pronoun flubs, you also made me think entirely differently about the purpose of apologies. The bit about effusive apologies forcing the person I've hurt to now comfort and reassure *me* had, embarrassingly, never occurred to me before. Now I'm working on keeping my apologies in all situations sincere and to the point!
I always feel really bad for misgendering someone, because I been called a transphope for continuously calling for the wrong pronouns, like cmon dude I have bad memory and have always struggled with speaking after a sudden change with crucial information of someones identity, doesn't mean I'm its purposeful :(
"Almost every person I talked to today called me an asshole. What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me--it can't be everyone else, surely, if all these people think I'm an asshole. I think I will spend tomorrow thinking about how I'm an asshole and not going out of the house where even more people will call me an asshole--hell, maybe I'll stop going out altogether." It's psychological torture :)
@@MusingMoss Unfortunately, society has a habit of making first impressions based on looks. That has been a reality for thousands of years so it won't change. However, if being misgendered causes that much stress, why not wear a sign with your pronouns on it? That sounds ridiculous, but how else can you avoid first impressions based on your appearance? If it bothered me so much to be called an asshole, I would probably wear something that said I wasn't an asshole.
We do wear pronoun pins-- interestingly I've heard a lot of cis people who wear pronoun buttons will have people deliberately call them the wrong pronoun even though they're fully passing cis people I mean it's not like we don't already put massive effort into passing as the gender we want to be referred to, and do a lot of internal therapy work to manage our feelings, and wear pronoun pins. It's simply not helpful to offer advice to the target group, like you might as well have commented that a rape victim's skirt was too short and maybe she should have a friend call to check on her next time, like thanks she probably already took some of those steps ya know?
@@MusingMoss I didn't know there were pronoun pins. My bad. I mean, you post a video on how to handle people getting called the wrong names. Did you not expect people to add their opinions/advice in the comments? Very poor comparison with the rape comment btw. You can't expect everyone to just wake up one day and understand everything new in the LGBT community. It changes daily almost it seems. And before you assume I'm a phobe of some sort. I'm far from it. My daughter is bisexual. She tries to keep me up to speed as much as possible and I welcome the knowledge. Even she says she has a hard time keeping up with changes and she's very involved in the conversations and communities. One difference in my daughter's approach to the issue is that I've raised her not to worry about what others say about her. Live your life in a way that makes you happy and screw the haters. I know that's not easy for some people, but it's good to try.
Makes perfect sense! I have someone in my life who always reacts overtly when they see someone they can’t put in a binary box. I’m not going to repeat the harmful words they have said on this comment... It’s frustrating, esp bc they don’t care enough to get it. In fact, I’ve tried to take the time to correct their ignorance, but they act like I’m the one being rude...
No you're just insane. You can't be born as the wrong gender your born is what you're born if you don't like it then you just don't like it time to get over it.
@@johnsmith_treeler9031 Hi. Please read the scientific literature on sex and gender. You're in the wrong from a scientific standpoint and in the wrong because you're a jackass. Please at least be an educated jackass. Thanks. PS: It's not my job to educate you. There's too many ignorant fucks and between medical school and work, I frankly don't have the time. Here's a resource for you to look shit up, assuming you can read. (based on the grammatical nightmare fuel you wrote, I think the assumption that you can read might be too generous.) www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/ If only critical thinking was a common trait, the world would be rid of 90% of these morons.
This all sounds embarassingly common sense. A video like this would not be necessary in an ideal world. Working on it! Oh and thanks for taking the time and effort to do this!
So I misgendered my cousin, he is a trans male now but I wasn’t used to they/them pronouns cause he presented as non-binary before and I said she/her,and he thinks I did it on purpose and I misgendered a lot and he called me transphobic and now I don’t know how to say sorry even though I tried-
Does anyone reading this have any advice for how to correct other people's pronoun use in a way that isn't just embarrassing for your trans friend. One of my friends recently came out as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. Some of our mutual friends aren't making the effort that they should be to try and use the right pronouns but my friend isn't in a place yet to feel comfortable self advocating. They've asked me if I can help and I'm happy to, but I don't really know how to in a way that's both productive and, as I said before, not intensely uncomfortable for my trans friend. So there are a couple of different scenarios that I need to work out how to approach. The first one is when we're all in a group with my nb friend present. One of our friends might be recounting some story about a time that they were hanging out to our other friends and say "and then *nb friends name* decided... Blah blah blah.. And *dead pronoun (is that even a saying?)* did.. Blah blah blah" The second scenario is when they aren't there. This one I've attempted to intervene in before but I got the response of basically if they aren't here why does it matter? It doesn't hurt them and it's just more natural and instinctive for us. I don't think anyone's doing it maliciously.. They are good people, I just don't think they properly understand that what they are doing is so disrespectful and hurtful. I don't think they get why misgendering someone is bad. Our nb friend calls us all dude even though most of us are female, and obviously we don't mind that and it doesn't hurt our feelings, so they can't see why it's not the same thing for our nb friend. I know this comment was long so thank you if you've got all the way to the end, and if any trans people /allies who have been in a similar situation do have any advice I would be so grateful xx
If the trans person is there, I would just assertively say the correct pronoun in expectation that the person would them correct themselves. When your friend isn't there, I would say it's important to do the work to actually see them as their correct gender, and that disrespecting them behind their back is no better than doing it to their face. It shows that they don't actually take their gender seriously or respect them as a person as a result.
Ugh I can think of one instance where I must've been exhausting for someone by being too vociferous about apologizing. Thanks Luxander I learn so much from you.
Thanks for this video! My non-binary friend started using they them pronouns around 6th grade I think. Before that, they used she/her. I’m usually pretty good about using their correct pronouns but sometimes I skip up and accidentally use “she”, but immediately apologize and move on. I came to this video because I wasn’t sure if I was doing something wrong in apologizing. Thanks for this video
I accedentily did they harassed me as a trans guy myself I apologized but I don’t feel sorry anymore after they bullied me and my friend si don’t tolerate ppl messing with my friends so don’t see anything the wrong way and don’t wonder why the lgbt community is oppressed legit had an anxiety attack because of this. Lgbt ppl really need to stop hurting others and maybe some issues will be fixed
0:54 i hope this helps with my current struggle of misgendering myself and others its a big problem and its even on cis stright people, i keep trying and trying but i keep failing and slipping uo so much
I feel that using the word "Hon" on any given occasion is just as demeaning as all the other terms now considered derogatory in the LGBTQIA community. PLEASE stop and do not give the excuse that "it is how you were raised". It is hurtful. Thank you from all of us!
Thanks for your great video! I was wondering if you'd be willing to do a video on gender inclusive medical language. I've been particularly having issues with talking about reproductive anatomy that both cis and trans people may or may not have without turning it into an excessively long sentence.
This was so very, VERY good for me! Thanks. I am going to watch this a few times Luxander. It is much like learning a persons' name for me when I'm thinking about my own experience in sales. I found/find I really need to focus when I first meet a new person or client. Actively listen and make mental notes, then I would use their name often in the ensuing conversation. I found that the next time I saw/see them, It is easy to remember their given names. For instance, have you ever looked around a public place and thought to yourself, "that looks like a Ralph, or they look like a Linda?" Then you find out they are a Reginald, or a Penelope? I believe it is much the same with gender, especially as fashions change and people appear and are able to wear or adorn themselves with things THEY like. Even at my age, searching for things like a pair of glasses frames, I never just look at the CIS male sections. Thanks again. (did that make any sense?)
I’m old and I really don’t mind addressing people the way they wish to be addressed. Personally I’m of the opinion that you can call me anything but late for supper. I realize why this important from my vantage point in time because as you age people start referring to you exclusively in the third person. They say that you can know when you are really old or really drunk if people say things like: “Did you give him his meds?”, “Can he stand?”, “Did he pee himself.” Fortunately I’m not there yet. The only time I object to the pronoun protocol are on the occasions when you are bound to fail because you are inattentive or old, or both. That gives the person that has the burning need to be properly addressed the opportunity to rip off one of your limbs and beat you over the head with said limb because you have the temerity to be insufficiently woke. I also object somewhat when people chastise me for not being sufficiently aware of how incredibly special they are because of their somewhat rarer sexual identity. Please be understanding, particularly to the elderly. To them you are just a human being and are delighted to be interacting with you, no matter the pronoun.
I have a Problem with the pronoun they just 'they' not 'them' just 'they' because its similar to 'déi' with means a group of people. Its genderles. Nobody uses it to refer to one person so its confusing. This is why im kind of scared of talking about NB people.Or having s realtionship with them because im dont what to misgender them. But i know avoiding people is not the solution.
Can someone explain to me why I would need to know someone's pronouns if I'm engaging in a one on one conversation with them? When you're engaged in a conversation with an individual, you don't use pronouns while talking to them. You don't say "she/he/him/her/they" etc. referring to the person you're talking to while you're talking to them. So that means pronouns are only used when you're referring to that individual to someone else, except for very specific situations.
It's shocking how often people manage to use pronouns about you while around you. Like if you tell someone nearby "I was just telling (them) about what you told me yesterday"
Ok so this is off topic but I need help. I'm bisexual but I liked many people that are girls or boys and they are really the opposite or non binary, does this make me pansexual??
It's really up to you which term you're most comfy with--pansexual typically means their gender is a non-factor, but it exists under the broader label of bisexual
I am sure my experience is far from a non-binary, trans or for whatever reason misgendered person, but I have kinda similar experience with being called Mrs. I mean yeah, I am of age when women are usually married and it is kinda hurtful to me because I am single without actually wanting to be, but having to explain my situation is much worse than just ignoring it or in a case of a person that should know, correcting it and moving on. Even worse is explaining why I do not have a husband/boyfriend or children. So yeah, I think even cis binary people should know how it feels when being asked personal questions of a topic that you don't feel comfortable in.
I have a question- first of all love this video it’s been very insightful. Okay here’s my question and anyone please chime in here: what happens if you misgender someone on accident, you correct yourself, apologize immediately and that person doesn’t accept the apology (which is totally okay they dont owe anyone anything) and turns around and weaponizes that unmotivated unintentional misgendering by thereby labeling that person as anti-queer? (Which doesn’t feel right or okay). I’m asking because this is a situation that has presented itself in my life recently. This was not me but happened to other people I know. I am neutral and really want to understand because I do believe everyone has a right to have their gender pronouns respected, but weaponizing it doesn’t feel right or sit right? This is a legitimate question. Thank you. I appreciate you, you’re help and this video (I found this video searching for answers to this question. I love it so I’m subscribing).
My daughter was hanging out with a trans co-worker for a take-your-kid-to-work day event. when we had lunch She was happily telling me about all the things she saw and did. the following conversation happened. Me=me. D= daughter C= co-worker D= "Oh and I was talking to her..." Me= "You were talking to... C?" D= "Yes." Me = "That's not their pronoun." D to C= "Oh. I'm so sorry." C= that's ok. apologize once and move on." D= "Ok. Sorry. I was talking to THEM and...." I thought C did a great job with their response since my daughter is only 11 and hadn't encountered a trans individual before and I am super proud of my daughter for being willing and able to make that change! :-) So my daughter wants to know a good strategy to actually remember to use they/them.
It helps to try to disassociate the individual from any notions you may have of their assigned gender. Just genuinely match your mental image of them to thier pronouns. Do it consciously n eventually u wont need to.. Works for binary trans individuals too ;) Your coworker and daughter both took that well, hope this helps xx
Okay so I have a little bit of anxiety considering the fact that I've seen videos of public freak-outs I work and the customer service industry and I would like to know what is a proper way to greet people so that I don't offend anyone and potentially lose my job
I've worked a lot of customer service in my time, and I mostly found that simply omitting gendered words when talking to people didn't detract from my ability to be polite and provide them their service. I know some southern folks stumble over this because they feel there's a gap where sir/ma'am would exist in their speech, and I recommend to them that they could try to sub in "friend" or some other term
so, you might not remember this, but this used to happen to me during my long-haired days. it happened enough to remember it more than 20 years later. weird how we managed to share that same fate, eh?
I love this it’s just hella awkward to correct someone when they fuck up your pronouns like I’m still trying to figure out how to correct people especially those that don’t notice they messed up
more on this topic we should talk about how to respond respectfully reslond when you are misgenderd instead of getting really mad at the other person. becuse i misgender people then correct myself and people still get really mad at me even tho ive corected myself
Luxander, thankyou. I love your 'bye' at the end of your vids!😀 In my life, before gender,trans, and such were 'in the conversation' as much as now, I've both been misgendered,(on the phone) and, horribly, migendered someone, in person. I was terribly embarrassed, but he said it happened all the time. He was my stepson's third grade teacher, had the most beautiful, feminine voice and hair! And, he was, he told me the feminine one in his marriage. I naturally assumed that he was married to a man,(this was 1986 or so, but my husband's mom called her 'partner' her hubby, though both were bio females) Then I met his wife, I would have taken her for a man, she was very masculine! Yet they were technically cis. I think, as in most dealings with our fellow humans, honesty and humor can really help, and intention is what matters. Or should be. But, I've been trying to use they, them just to get in the habit, in case. Small town AZ, we are just barely seeing any diversity here. 👍👍👍💓✌
i just watched mr atheists video about why he uses gender inclusive language so i came here next and im so happy i did! your videos are great 💛 -a fellow enby
I just ask the person's name and then just refer to them as that...it's nothing to do with me on how a person wants to identify. Of course though, if I accidently misgendered someone, I would do just what you said 🙂
It's weird in my case cause I use all pronouns and she/her isn't wrong per se but when EVERYONE uses she/her all the time it starts to get on my nerves but it feels weird correcting people because I do want people to call me "she" just please for the love of God switch it up once in a while
I'm "black", but now I'm going to identify as "white". You can use whatever pronouns you want when talking about yourself, but don't expect someone else to follow along with your gender pronoun identification.
This was really helpful thanks! I am guilty of misgendering by accident in English, because my mother tongue has no gender pronouns, so my brain sometimes makes wrong connections. I would say stuff stuff like "her father ..." and then go on refer to the father as "she" because I used "her" before so my brain is thinking "female pronouns". I really wouldn't want to make this kind of mistake with trans people, but it's better to know how to handle it well if it occurs. I am really curious actually how people deal with this issue in languages where even 2nd person singular pronouns and conjugation are binary gender specific (e.g. Hebrew).
If you are meeting someone for the first time/ someone else told you they don’t use pronouns which correspond to their physical sex and they correct your use of pronouns is it okay to ask if they have a name of preference?
I don't think I'd ever say maam or sir to someone. Easiest way for me is just talking to people, say Excuse me if I want to talk and They if I was describing someone to someone else. Feels like the safest option to me without getting it wrong
Thank you for making this video. It is very concise and easy to understand and empathetic. It sounds like a really clear-cut obvious thing to do, but some people (especially including me) have a tendency to draw out apologies so thank you for taking the time to do this video!
Pardon my ignorance but is it that common for the person to be in earshot when being misgendered? Imo, talking about people using pronouns is a bit rude when they're in the room.
I think pronouns should be like names. If you intentionally use another name than mine, I am entitled to not be your friend! No need to get governments involves in my opinion!
I always appreciate your help. It helps a lot when it comes to these kinds of interactions. I also keep an open dialog with my sister who is non-binary to make sure if she ever wants to change which pronouns she uses that she knows I am willing to make that change as soon as she tells me. She's my baby sister (20 years younger than me) and I want her to be happy. Also it helps for when you fucked up. If there are times I am not sure (this is for in public) I attempt to not use any pronouns, If the person is wearing a nametag and talk to them by name and hopefully I am not screwing up. If I know someone that knows the person I may pull them aside and politely ask how I should address the person because I want them to feel safe and I want them to feel like they can be who they are without me having to ask them invasive questions, especially if they are at work or something. Because no one wants to be at work and have someone start asking you very invasive questions. It's not fun, I've had it happen. If it isn't a setting like that isn't in public and/or said person is not at work I generally try to figure out how to talk without saying the wrong pronoun till I hear someone else use the correct one or the person says it depending on how that person is reacting to things as I know for some people being mislabeled can hurt and some of that hurt can come from people doing it on purpose so I try super hard to be careful, polite and welcoming. And Gods I hope this makes sense.
I'm so glad we don't have different pronouns for genders in our language. Ours is gender neutral. But actually like 90% of us don't use that either, but a pronoun that you would use for things and animals. And that's "it" : D
Lux, the number of times I've used your videos as teaching moments is getting unbelievably high. I swear, I should be paying you a commission. Thank you for doing hard work, and doing it gracefully!
i keep on misgendering someone and its so stressful. i dont realize it till after and i hate it, i genuinely hate it. i was so used to him being a cis les that i keep on accidentally using she/her pronouns on him.
I wanna correct myself for accidentally misgedering my friend a lot and i wanna adjust to what they want so they can feel comfortable with me as a friend
At least we don’t have to worry about mam and sir in Australia - lol 😂 Seriously tho, I still misgender my son occasionally even after 3 yrs. But I do exactly what you say, apologise and move on.
Kaine Joyes you just need to suck it up man. Your kind are the ones who hurt the the LGBTQIA community with century’s of homophobia and transphobia. I honestly don’t understand how you could feel invalidated by being called “CIS”
![What Does "Nonbinary" MEAN? // What IS "Nonbinary" Gender? [CC]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ZGQIrYlvrrs/mqdefault.jpg)
![What Does "Nonbinary" MEAN? // What IS "Nonbinary" Gender? [CC]](/img/tr.png)
I sometimes do the opposite, I call too many people "they" because I can't recognize faces so I play it safe unless they have a unique voice I can attach to their pronouns.
@@CdrikLabrecque ouch, sorry to hear that.
Ive been trying to train myself to call everyone they until I find out different (via other people referring to them or them telling me directly) cos I find its easier. I do also use they/them pronouns so there is a bit of that in there too.
This is a mistake I've made twice now with a coworker who recently transitioned. Thanks for your help.
I cannot agree more about if we correct you it means we believe you are worth correcting. Being a nonpassing trans woman, I have to walk away from many people who aren't worth my time arguing with about my pronouns...
I'm guilty of the "I feel so bad" response. I didn't even realize I was doing something wrong until now. Thanks for pointing that out. I appreciate it.
Luxander, thank-you so much for showing us how to deal with this difficult problem. Your vid is compassionate and gives helpful, practical advice. I thought the examples you shared were spot-on, especially how to respond in casual, formal and professional situations.
When you misgender someone, immediately apologize and QUICKLY move on with the conversation/discussion. Do not make a big drawn-out apology, because drawing out the apology furthers the hurt and discomfort.
It can also make them feel like they’re gender is an inconvenience and make them not want to correct you again.
I accidently gendered someone wrong, not on purpose, not in a mean way at all, I apologised almost instantly, The other person in this scenario was fine and corrected it politely they we very calm and I appreciated that (this is were it should have ended right after my apology). It was every one else who then jumped to give advice and a lecture about how bad it is to gender people etc that dragged it out that then in turn made me feel worse this caused my anxiety to sky rocket and I ended up having a bad panic attack (because I do actually care) and was so upset because I am a very accepting person and it was almost like being shamed for a complete accident! I was mortified (if you broke a glass of milk on some ones floor you apologise and clean it up right? But if you do this and the people around keep telling you how awful it was, it's then becoume a much bigger thing than it should have benn when it's truly was nothing more than an accident) . I think this is something for others to also be mindful of. I think it's important to correct some one kindly, if you do it in a way that is overbearing, shaming, angry etc i think you end up doing exactly what your trying to preach against and this is when you can end up losing the support of some one who previously had always been very supportive.. for instance who siad it wrong? is it a really good friend, family or stranger ? If it was a very close friend chances are most likely it was an accident and we should be calm in correcting it, if it was some nut case across the road screaming out profanity at you then yes by all means let them have it.
This was super helpful. Sometimes this can be a similar situation to learning peoples names, which I really struggle with. This is probably a good way to deal with misnaming somebody too. I have a terrible memory sometimes and this is really helpful for those times when memory fails. Thanks for all that you do, and you make my gay heart happy!! 💜
In addition to what everyone else is saying about this video being *immensely* helpful regarding pronoun flubs, you also made me think entirely differently about the purpose of apologies. The bit about effusive apologies forcing the person I've hurt to now comfort and reassure *me* had, embarrassingly, never occurred to me before. Now I'm working on keeping my apologies in all situations sincere and to the point!
The thing you do is not give a shit
I always feel really bad for misgendering someone, because I been called a transphope for continuously calling for the wrong pronouns, like cmon dude I have bad memory and have always struggled with speaking after a sudden change with crucial information of someones identity, doesn't mean I'm its purposeful :(
Some dude called me an asshole for no apparent reason the other day. Oh well. See how easy that is?
"Almost every person I talked to today called me an asshole. What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me--it can't be everyone else, surely, if all these people think I'm an asshole. I think I will spend tomorrow thinking about how I'm an asshole and not going out of the house where even more people will call me an asshole--hell, maybe I'll stop going out altogether."
It's psychological torture :)
@@MusingMoss Unfortunately, society has a habit of making first impressions based on looks. That has been a reality for thousands of years so it won't change. However, if being misgendered causes that much stress, why not wear a sign with your pronouns on it? That sounds ridiculous, but how else can you avoid first impressions based on your appearance? If it bothered me so much to be called an asshole, I would probably wear something that said I wasn't an asshole.
We do wear pronoun pins-- interestingly I've heard a lot of cis people who wear pronoun buttons will have people deliberately call them the wrong pronoun even though they're fully passing cis people
I mean it's not like we don't already put massive effort into passing as the gender we want to be referred to, and do a lot of internal therapy work to manage our feelings, and wear pronoun pins. It's simply not helpful to offer advice to the target group, like you might as well have commented that a rape victim's skirt was too short and maybe she should have a friend call to check on her next time, like thanks she probably already took some of those steps ya know?
@@MusingMoss I didn't know there were pronoun pins. My bad. I mean, you post a video on how to handle people getting called the wrong names. Did you not expect people to add their opinions/advice in the comments? Very poor comparison with the rape comment btw. You can't expect everyone to just wake up one day and understand everything new in the LGBT community. It changes daily almost it seems. And before you assume I'm a phobe of some sort. I'm far from it. My daughter is bisexual. She tries to keep me up to speed as much as possible and I welcome the knowledge. Even she says she has a hard time keeping up with changes and she's very involved in the conversations and communities.
One difference in my daughter's approach to the issue is that I've raised her not to worry about what others say about her. Live your life in a way that makes you happy and screw the haters. I know that's not easy for some people, but it's good to try.
Now what?
Now nothing, say what you want
No one gives a shit
If you wanna get offended then go ahead
It’s not gonna change my mindset
What do you mean?
Love you Lux. I really appreciate your help.
Makes perfect sense!
I have someone in my life who always reacts overtly when they see someone they can’t put in a binary box. I’m not going to repeat the harmful words they have said on this comment...
It’s frustrating, esp bc they don’t care enough to get it. In fact, I’ve tried to take the time to correct their ignorance, but they act like I’m the one being rude...
No you're just insane. You can't be born as the wrong gender your born is what you're born if you don't like it then you just don't like it time to get over it.
@@johnsmith_treeler9031 Hi. Please read the scientific literature on sex and gender. You're in the wrong from a scientific standpoint and in the wrong because you're a jackass. Please at least be an educated jackass. Thanks.
PS: It's not my job to educate you. There's too many ignorant fucks and between medical school and work, I frankly don't have the time. Here's a resource for you to look shit up, assuming you can read. (based on the grammatical nightmare fuel you wrote, I think the assumption that you can read might be too generous.)
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/
If only critical thinking was a common trait, the world would be rid of 90% of these morons.
This all sounds embarassingly common sense. A video like this would not be necessary in an ideal world. Working on it! Oh and thanks for taking the time and effort to do this!
Things are getting better, quickly and slowly.
So I misgendered my cousin, he is a trans male now but I wasn’t used to they/them pronouns cause he presented as non-binary before and I said she/her,and he thinks I did it on purpose and I misgendered a lot and he called me transphobic and now I don’t know how to say sorry even though I tried-
I'm the type of person who excessively apologies to everything, so this is good to know
My opinion is this:
If you misgender somebody by accident, just catch yourself, put in a half a second break, use the correct one and just move on.
@Michael Chapline um...
I accidentally called my friend an it and they had someone else calling them an it in the past too-
Does anyone reading this have any advice for how to correct other people's pronoun use in a way that isn't just embarrassing for your trans friend.
One of my friends recently came out as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. Some of our mutual friends aren't making the effort that they should be to try and use the right pronouns but my friend isn't in a place yet to feel comfortable self advocating. They've asked me if I can help and I'm happy to, but I don't really know how to in a way that's both productive and, as I said before, not intensely uncomfortable for my trans friend.
So there are a couple of different scenarios that I need to work out how to approach.
The first one is when we're all in a group with my nb friend present. One of our friends might be recounting some story about a time that they were hanging out to our other friends and say "and then *nb friends name* decided... Blah blah blah.. And *dead pronoun (is that even a saying?)* did.. Blah blah blah"
The second scenario is when they aren't there. This one I've attempted to intervene in before but I got the response of basically if they aren't here why does it matter? It doesn't hurt them and it's just more natural and instinctive for us.
I don't think anyone's doing it maliciously.. They are good people, I just don't think they properly understand that what they are doing is so disrespectful and hurtful. I don't think they get why misgendering someone is bad. Our nb friend calls us all dude even though most of us are female, and obviously we don't mind that and it doesn't hurt our feelings, so they can't see why it's not the same thing for our nb friend.
I know this comment was long so thank you if you've got all the way to the end, and if any trans people /allies who have been in a similar situation do have any advice I would be so grateful xx
If the trans person is there, I would just assertively say the correct pronoun in expectation that the person would them correct themselves. When your friend isn't there, I would say it's important to do the work to actually see them as their correct gender, and that disrespecting them behind their back is no better than doing it to their face. It shows that they don't actually take their gender seriously or respect them as a person as a result.
@@MusingMoss Thank you so much for your reply and for your channel, they are both really helpful.
Ugh I can think of one instance where I must've been exhausting for someone by being too vociferous about apologizing. Thanks Luxander I learn so much from you.
Thanks for this video! My non-binary friend started using they them pronouns around 6th grade I think. Before that, they used she/her. I’m usually pretty good about using their correct pronouns but sometimes I skip up and accidentally use “she”, but immediately apologize and move on. I came to this video because I wasn’t sure if I was doing something wrong in apologizing. Thanks for this video
I accedentily did they harassed me as a trans guy myself I apologized but I don’t feel sorry anymore after they bullied me and my friend si don’t tolerate ppl messing with my friends so don’t see anything the wrong way and don’t wonder why the lgbt community is oppressed legit had an anxiety attack because of this. Lgbt ppl really need to stop hurting others and maybe some issues will be fixed
0:54 i hope this helps with my current struggle of misgendering myself and others its a big problem and its even on cis stright people, i keep trying and trying but i keep failing and slipping uo so much
You get instantly fired right?
In fantasy land sure!
I'll take receipts or you can catch a permaban
One of the joys of being middle age is that I don't bother with Sir or Ma'am anymore... I just call everyone Hon! 😄
I feel that using the word "Hon" on any given occasion is just as demeaning as all the other terms now considered derogatory in the LGBTQIA community. PLEASE stop and do not give the excuse that "it is how you were raised". It is hurtful. Thank you from all of us!
Thanks for your great video!
I was wondering if you'd be willing to do a video on gender inclusive medical language. I've been particularly having issues with talking about reproductive anatomy that both cis and trans people may or may not have without turning it into an excessively long sentence.
I'm an RN, and would love to have Lux make this video. Maybe it could be an instructional video I could use with my co-workers.
I just did this accidently and I feel like complete shit. I apologized casually and to them and we moved forward but I'm like still internalizing it.
This was so very, VERY good for me! Thanks. I am going to watch this a few times Luxander. It is much like learning a persons' name for me when I'm thinking about my own experience in sales.
I found/find I really need to focus when I first meet a new person or client. Actively listen and make mental notes, then I would use their name often in the ensuing conversation. I found that the next time I saw/see them, It is easy to remember their given names.
For instance, have you ever looked around a public place and thought to yourself, "that looks like a Ralph, or they look like a Linda?" Then you find out they are a Reginald, or a Penelope? I believe it is much the same with gender, especially as fashions change and people appear and are able to wear or adorn themselves with things THEY like. Even at my age, searching for things like a pair of glasses frames, I never just look at the CIS male sections.
Thanks again. (did that make any sense?)
Here's what to do:
I’m old and I really don’t mind addressing people the way they wish to be addressed. Personally I’m of the opinion that you can call me anything but late for supper. I realize why this important from my vantage point in time because as you age people start referring to you exclusively in the third person. They say that you can know when you are really old or really drunk if people say things like: “Did you give him his meds?”, “Can he stand?”, “Did he pee himself.” Fortunately I’m not there yet. The only time I object to the pronoun protocol are on the occasions when you are bound to fail because you are inattentive or old, or both. That gives the person that has the burning need to be properly addressed the opportunity to rip off one of your limbs and beat you over the head with said limb because you have the temerity to be insufficiently woke. I also object somewhat when people chastise me for not being sufficiently aware of how incredibly special they are because of their somewhat rarer sexual identity. Please be understanding, particularly to the elderly. To them you are just a human being and are delighted to be interacting with you, no matter the pronoun.
I have a Problem with the pronoun they just 'they' not 'them' just 'they' because its similar to 'déi' with means a group of people. Its genderles. Nobody uses it to refer to one person so its confusing.
This is why im kind of scared of talking about NB people.Or having s realtionship with them because im dont what to misgender them. But i know avoiding people is not the solution.
Can someone explain to me why I would need to know someone's pronouns if I'm engaging in a one on one conversation with them? When you're engaged in a conversation with an individual, you don't use pronouns while talking to them. You don't say "she/he/him/her/they" etc. referring to the person you're talking to while you're talking to them. So that means pronouns are only used when you're referring to that individual to someone else, except for very specific situations.
It's shocking how often people manage to use pronouns about you while around you. Like if you tell someone nearby "I was just telling (them) about what you told me yesterday"
Ok so this is off topic but I need help. I'm bisexual but I liked many people that are girls or boys and they are really the opposite or non binary, does this make me pansexual??
It's really up to you which term you're most comfy with--pansexual typically means their gender is a non-factor, but it exists under the broader label of bisexual
I am sure my experience is far from a non-binary, trans or for whatever reason misgendered person, but I have kinda similar experience with being called Mrs. I mean yeah, I am of age when women are usually married and it is kinda hurtful to me because I am single without actually wanting to be, but having to explain my situation is much worse than just ignoring it or in a case of a person that should know, correcting it and moving on. Even worse is explaining why I do not have a husband/boyfriend or children. So yeah, I think even cis binary people should know how it feels when being asked personal questions of a topic that you don't feel comfortable in.
I have a question- first of all love this video it’s been very insightful.
Okay here’s my question and anyone please chime in here: what happens if you misgender someone on accident, you correct yourself, apologize immediately and that person doesn’t accept the apology (which is totally okay they dont owe anyone anything) and turns around and weaponizes that unmotivated unintentional misgendering by thereby labeling that person as anti-queer? (Which doesn’t feel right or okay).
I’m asking because this is a situation that has presented itself in my life recently. This was not me but happened to other people I know. I am neutral and really want to understand because I do believe everyone has a right to have their gender pronouns respected, but weaponizing it doesn’t feel right or sit right?
This is a legitimate question. Thank you. I appreciate you, you’re help and this video (I found this video searching for answers to this question. I love it so I’m subscribing).
Thank you, that was useful. Sending it along to a few allies.
But they called mea basic bitch after I ancidently did it and I feel guilty😢
My daughter was hanging out with a trans co-worker for a take-your-kid-to-work day event. when we had lunch She was happily telling me about all the things she saw and did. the following conversation happened. Me=me. D= daughter C= co-worker
D= "Oh and I was talking to her..."
Me= "You were talking to... C?"
D= "Yes."
Me = "That's not their pronoun."
D to C= "Oh. I'm so sorry."
C= that's ok. apologize once and move on."
D= "Ok. Sorry. I was talking to THEM and...."
I thought C did a great job with their response since my daughter is only 11 and hadn't encountered a trans individual before and I am super proud of my daughter for being willing and able to make that change! :-)
So my daughter wants to know a good strategy to actually remember to use they/them.
It helps to try to disassociate the individual from any notions you may have of their assigned gender. Just genuinely match your mental image of them to thier pronouns. Do it consciously n eventually u wont need to.. Works for binary trans individuals too ;)
Your coworker and daughter both took that well, hope this helps xx
Okay so I have a little bit of anxiety considering the fact that I've seen videos of public freak-outs I work and the customer service industry and I would like to know what is a proper way to greet people so that I don't offend anyone and potentially lose my job
I've worked a lot of customer service in my time, and I mostly found that simply omitting gendered words when talking to people didn't detract from my ability to be polite and provide them their service. I know some southern folks stumble over this because they feel there's a gap where sir/ma'am would exist in their speech, and I recommend to them that they could try to sub in "friend" or some other term
so, you might not remember this, but this used to happen to me during my long-haired days. it happened enough to remember it more than 20 years later. weird how we managed to share that same fate, eh?
Androgyny runs in the family ;p
@@MusingMoss apparently i was very pretty in my younger years, lol
I love this it’s just hella awkward to correct someone when they fuck up your pronouns like I’m still trying to figure out how to correct people especially those that don’t notice they messed up
What should i do if its an accidental and the person gets in my face aggressively? Because im a lesbian who is tired of being called a transphobe
Imposition on you? The level of self entitlement is unbelievable.
MOUNTAIN out of a MOLEHILL. "I used The Wrong Pronoun-Now What?" Answer: Get over it and move on.
more on this topic we should talk about how to respond respectfully reslond when you are misgenderd instead of getting really mad at the other person. becuse i misgender people then correct myself and people still get really mad at me even tho ive corected myself
Luxander, thankyou. I love your 'bye' at the end of your vids!😀 In my life, before gender,trans, and such were 'in the conversation' as much as now, I've both been misgendered,(on the phone) and, horribly, migendered someone, in person. I was terribly embarrassed, but he said it happened all the time. He was my stepson's third grade teacher, had the most beautiful, feminine voice and hair! And, he was, he told me the feminine one in his marriage. I naturally assumed that he was married to a man,(this was 1986 or so, but my husband's mom called her 'partner' her hubby, though both were bio females) Then I met his wife, I would have taken her for a man, she was very masculine! Yet they were technically cis. I think, as in most dealings with our fellow humans, honesty and humor can really help, and intention is what matters. Or should be. But, I've been trying to use they, them just to get in the habit, in case. Small town AZ, we are just barely seeing any diversity here. 👍👍👍💓✌
we've lost our minds
i just watched mr atheists video about why he uses gender inclusive language so i came here next and im so happy i did! your videos are great 💛 -a fellow enby
🙄
Look at that guy
You’re either a he or a she you can’t be both. They means multiple people you’re only one person. Sad this world confused. I will pray for you.
Go tell that to Shakespeare and Jane Austen
@@MusingMoss Look I’m just being honest. In my opinion it’s kinda silly but you have the free will from God.
I just ask the person's name and then just refer to them as that...it's nothing to do with me on how a person wants to identify. Of course though, if I accidently misgendered someone, I would do just what you said 🙂
very good advice, thx
Thank you for this. It's very helpful.
It's weird in my case cause I use all pronouns and she/her isn't wrong per se but when EVERYONE uses she/her all the time it starts to get on my nerves but it feels weird correcting people because I do want people to call me "she" just please for the love of God switch it up once in a while
I'm "black", but now I'm going to identify as "white".
You can use whatever pronouns you want when talking about yourself, but don't expect someone else to follow along with your gender pronoun identification.
Thank you so much for the easy to remember advice!
This was really helpful thanks! I am guilty of misgendering by accident in English, because my mother tongue has no gender pronouns, so my brain sometimes makes wrong connections. I would say stuff stuff like "her father ..." and then go on refer to the father as "she" because I used "her" before so my brain is thinking "female pronouns". I really wouldn't want to make this kind of mistake with trans people, but it's better to know how to handle it well if it occurs. I am really curious actually how people deal with this issue in languages where even 2nd person singular pronouns and conjugation are binary gender specific (e.g. Hebrew).
If you are meeting someone for the first time/ someone else told you they don’t use pronouns which correspond to their physical sex and they correct your use of pronouns is it okay to ask if they have a name of preference?
I don't think I'd ever say maam or sir to someone.
Easiest way for me is just talking to people, say Excuse me if I want to talk and They if I was describing someone to someone else. Feels like the safest option to me without getting it wrong
Say oops and keep it pushing
Thanks, that was very helpful!
kay, but I keep making the same mistake. Is there a way to catch yourself before you say the wrong pronouns
A) practice B) doing the internal work to actually see the person as not the pronoun you reflexively want to use
Thank you for making this video. It is very concise and easy to understand and empathetic. It sounds like a really clear-cut obvious thing to do, but some people (especially including me) have a tendency to draw out apologies so thank you for taking the time to do this video!
Pardon my ignorance but is it that common for the person to be in earshot when being misgendered? Imo, talking about people using pronouns is a bit rude when they're in the room.
thank you very much for this video!
I think pronouns should be like names. If you intentionally use another name than mine, I am entitled to not be your friend! No need to get governments involves in my opinion!
Oml i acidentally Misgendered someone and I made it TO BIG OF A DEAL and I really embarrassed myself I feel terrible
This was a super helpful video! I really appreciate that you spent the time and energy to make it!
Thanks i needed this
great video. thank you.
I always appreciate your help. It helps a lot when it comes to these kinds of interactions.
I also keep an open dialog with my sister who is non-binary to make sure if she ever wants to change which pronouns she uses that she knows I am willing to make that change as soon as she tells me. She's my baby sister (20 years younger than me) and I want her to be happy.
Also it helps for when you fucked up. If there are times I am not sure (this is for in public) I attempt to not use any pronouns, If the person is wearing a nametag and talk to them by name and hopefully I am not screwing up. If I know someone that knows the person I may pull them aside and politely ask how I should address the person because I want them to feel safe and I want them to feel like they can be who they are without me having to ask them invasive questions, especially if they are at work or something. Because no one wants to be at work and have someone start asking you very invasive questions. It's not fun, I've had it happen.
If it isn't a setting like that isn't in public and/or said person is not at work I generally try to figure out how to talk without saying the wrong pronoun till I hear someone else use the correct one or the person says it depending on how that person is reacting to things as I know for some people being mislabeled can hurt and some of that hurt can come from people doing it on purpose so I try super hard to be careful, polite and welcoming. And Gods I hope this makes sense.
Thanks for this video! It helped a lot in explaining my identity to my friends and others!
I'm so glad we don't have different pronouns for genders in our language. Ours is gender neutral. But actually like 90% of us don't use that either, but a pronoun that you would use for things and animals. And that's "it" : D
In other words, don't make a meal of the mistake. Off topic. That hair colour really suits you.
Lux, the number of times I've used your videos as teaching moments is getting unbelievably high. I swear, I should be paying you a commission. Thank you for doing hard work, and doing it gracefully!
I'm glad this is useful to someone, lol
i keep on misgendering someone and its so stressful. i dont realize it till after and i hate it, i genuinely hate it. i was so used to him being a cis les that i keep on accidentally using she/her pronouns on him.
I wanna correct myself for accidentally misgedering my friend a lot and i wanna adjust to what they want so they can feel comfortable with me as a friend
Welcome to 2020 where your feeling are more important than anyone else’s feelings.
When it comes to what you call me, yes, in fact, my feelings do matter more than anyone else's
@@MusingMoss exactly my point. I’m not going to go changing how I speak to accommodate for everyone else’s feelings. That’s pathetic.
Cool thing, Greg
Thank you for this video, I’m going to share it with my family
This is an AWESOME video, thanks Luxander!!! Keep being awesome!!
As a cis person this was really helpful thanks
You're low key funny xD but very very wise
Just don't use pronouns.
Great video
This video would totally make sense and be insightful if there was no such thing as biology. That’s not transphobic, it’s just scientific.
THIS 👏 TYPE 👏 OF 👏 VIDEO 👏 IS 👏 WHAT 👏 WE 👏 NEED!
👍👍👍
At least we don’t have to worry about mam and sir in Australia - lol 😂
Seriously tho, I still misgender my son occasionally even after 3 yrs. But I do exactly what you say, apologise and move on.
Your voice sounds electronic. Were you raised by robots?
Please stop using the term CIS it is offensive, and invalidates me. I find it hurtful.
Can you explain why so I can better understand?
@@MusingMoss this person follows Turning Point UK. Don't hold your breath for an open good Faith debate.
Kaine Joyes you just need to suck it up man. Your kind are the ones who hurt the the LGBTQIA community with century’s of homophobia and transphobia. I honestly don’t understand how you could feel invalidated by being called “CIS”
Please stop your silly way