WarsInAction hmm if you used it as a pronouns your sentence would look more like this ( The daddy one makes me want to meet daddy and call daddy, daddy) ok that was weird to write xD
Remember the episode of SpongeBob where he gets stuck in Rock Bottom on accident, and goes to the bathroom but neither door sign made sense? That's exactly how I feel.
The way I explained nonbinary to my dad, which he seemed to understand a little bit, was "Imagine being in elementary school gym class and they divide the class into girls and boys, and you're just left in the middle, not sure which side to go to. Both feel right and wrong at the same time."
I was born a male (physically) but my mind and soul is female, however, I don't suffer from gender dysphoria. There you go. That's my definition of non-binary. And I'm androgynous AND GNC. Basically a feminine-looking gay boy, with a female mindset.
That‘s a really cool description, because it‘s describes an emotion most people can relate to along with the slight sense of unease the situation conveys. After all, in the gym situation you are supposed to pick a team, the whole class can‘t continue until you do, while at the same time, the choice is pretty impossible. Which is very much the inconvenience everyday life brings with it. You know where you are supposed to go, in order not to create a fuss, yet the proper choice feels just as right-wrong as choosing the controversial other option would.
I explained being non-binary to a cis friend like this: Imagine we live in a world where we're fruits. And we all live in a grocery store where there are two baskets: apples and oranges. But I'm a pear, so I have to live in a separate pear basket. Lots of people walk by all the time and ignore I'm there because they're only used to buying apples and oranges and have no idea what a pear would taste like. Sometimes people think I must have been misplaced and put me in the apple basket or the orange basket. Sometimes they even try to throw me on the ground or remove me from the store because they believe only apples and oranges belong in the store. Despite all this, I'm a pear, no matter how hard I try to disguise myself as an apple or an orange. Obviously this is a pretty silly super simplified analogy, but it kinda works for me.
Eva G-S I LOVE THIS!! And as an almost 30 year old who’s spent my whole life suppressing my gender, this makes perfect since. I was asked my pronouns for the first time 4 months ago and freaked out because it was the first time I really had to think about it and then was expected to give an answer publicly. So since then I’ve been binge watching Ash’s channel trying to figure myself out. But this explanation, though so simple, has totally been what I needed. THANK YOU!
Randa Mason So glad I could help! I’m much younger than you, but I can still relate, especially with the pronouns. I wish you luck in figuring yourself out!
The conflation of "androgynous" and "nonbinary" really bothers me because my gender "expression" is fairly neutral. I'm not trying to look masc, fem, or androgynous; I just wear what I wear and it comes across how it comes across. But at the same time, there are times when I can't wear what I want to wear because it makes me dysphoric when I look at it on my body.
T-Shades I've had situations like that as an androgynous female. Recently, I painted a cool design on my nails for the first time in a long while. Looking just at my hands, I loved how it looked. But when I saw my whole self in the mirror, it felt so uncomfortably feminine that I quickly took it off.
OMG YESSS! Same! On the dysphoric thing! I was assigned female at birth and consider myself pretty much a cisgender woman. BUT. I feel an almost extreme aversion towards being perceived as too stereotypical feminine. I looove my androgynous body (tiny boobs, no hips etc) but I also like to paint my nails sometimes and put on make-up. But not because I want to be seen as a "real woman". me thinks if I was assigned male at birth I would still want to wear the same clothes as I do now and put on make-up. I just "got lucky" my way of expressing my gender is more accepted in women than in men.
amethystviolet dreams yes! I think the whole idea of make up being strictly for females/girls is idiotic. I once had a conversation with a male friend of mine when we were still teenagers about concealer. My comment to him was that I don't get why boys don't wear concealer (or something like that, I don't quite remember anymore) and his response was basically "boys can't wear make up". I thought that was so weird as personally I don't really see concealer as "make up".
Are there any particular things which stand out as making you dysphoric? For me, it's pyjamas, even though no one's going to see me in them. Maybe it's because most of my daytime clothes are androgynous already, but PJs are hard to find in my size in neutral/masculine styles?
Yea i know what you mean. Im a female thats a demirom ace, and i consider myself a tomboy. But even though i look like a guy with my haircut, and my sister calls me my masculine name in a joking way and i dont care, doesnt mean that im genderfluid or nonbinary. I just dont care anymore.
"Describe being NB to a cis person"-I no longer identify as NB (binary trans woman now) so I realize the period where I used the NB label may be suspect, but I think it accurately described my experience at the time. What it was like: I felt like I could not comfortably exist in the world as either a man or a woman. In retrospect I think I wanted to be a woman but felt that I could not be that as a result of my male attributes, and living in a middle space was for me an important experiment that allowed me to start imagining what being a trans woman might be like without yet committing to it fully. So I turned out not to be "truly" NB I suppose, but the experience has left me with a sense of how someone *could* occupy that state permanently: always feeling like neither "man" or "woman" is a comfortable role, and preferring instead to shun the binary categories altogether. I guess that's not really much of a description. It's an intensely difficult thing to describe. Loved the video!
I read this comment and found it very helpful for me... and then I realized it was literally written by Contrapoints! I'm surprised nobody else has commented here yet! REIGN ON DARK MOTHER and all that jazz
@@odoloid ahh I was just writing a comment about how contra points said something very similar in her video and very well said- then I read your comment lol oops
I had a similar situation concerning sexuality and while mine was trauma-based, I do still feel like it was a part of me. Up until the point of the story, I had been molested as a child but still identified as heterosexual. However, once I was raped in high school by an ex-boyfriend, I realized after awhile that I identified as asexual. I didn't want men because of what happened to me but I didn't want women, either. Couple that with the fact that I had been sexually assaulted by both genders, it was hard to separate this change from the trauma I experienced. However, it lasted for years, even once I became heteroromantic. My sexuality shifted again once I finally reached university and it was a gradual thing, but I know that I currently stand firmly in the heteromantic camp. However, it's been extremely difficult to find my sexual orientation counterpart. Pansexual doesn't fit and many people concluded that I was bisexual, but that excluded trans/nb/androgynous people I felt sexually attracted to as well. Plus that level of attraction literally changes (very similar to gender fluidity). I think hetero-flexible has been the closest term that I feel comfortable with on the sexuality front, and because I have never felt romantically attracted to genders outside of cis hetero men (even behind a computer screen), I don't feel comfortable dating outside of the cis hetero male pool because I wouldn't ever want to hurt another person who could potentially develop feelings I couldn't return. I have NO IDEA why I'm sharing this very private aspect of my identity on a public TH-cam comment, but it's something that I struggle with because I feel like I forever... don't fit. I've even tested this theory with dating Sim games where characters that presented as androgynous or female love interests appealed to me only sexually, but never actually romantically. So, yeah. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. The simple answer I give is that I'm a cis female woman dating a cis hetero man. People can assume what that means from there, because depending on the day, I don't even know myself and I'm almost 30. 🙃 Have a nice day good people. This was awkward, but if you read this, thanks.
omg screaming in my room right now because this came out as beautifully as i expected. i really loved hanging with you and chatting, love. you're great.
The way I describe being non-binary to a cis person is that I look at a group of guys and say "not the same gender as me" which is expected because I am not a guy, trans or otherwise. I get this same feeling when I look at a group of girls. "Not the same gender as me". However when there is a non-binary person, feminine or masculine origin aside, I see them and feel "they are the same gender as me".
Oh okay. (I’m a confused cis-female) So whenever im with other girls I guess I have a “connection” or I just automatically relate to them. And you have a connection with other nb people, that’s actually really interesting.
Ash Hardell I see now that you made a vid about this but my experience is different...I do feel enby AND like to express myself in an androgynous way....when I told a family member I feel androgynous! She said “ but you don’t look it ! “ which hurt my feelings isn’t it like the thing of “ you don’t have to pass” ? Please watch my video th-cam.com/video/9455R1mXVpk/w-d-xo.html
Hayley X tbh it's usually when the person describes their gender is when I feel the strongest connection. And also how they carry themselves. I can't always just tell someone is non binary just by how the look or act, however when someone doesn't identify with the typical definition of binary gender, they DO carry themselves differently than those who do. This also applies to cis men and women who don't adhere to gender roles, but even then it's still slightly different than being non-binary. It's rather like how people who share the same religion can relate to each other, if that makes sense. We can look and act different from each other but having a similar identity ties us together
I think a better way to explain being nonbinary is using a childhood metaphor. In my part of the world as a kid, we played Coke or Pepsi. All the kids that liked Coke better would stand next to one wall, and all the kids that liked Pepsi better would stand next to the opposite wall. The game is based on the assumption that everyone has a preference. But, what if you don't really like either, or you like both of them a lot and can't choose between them? Which side do you go on if you feel indifferently (or too strongly) about both of the two options presented to you?
That could also be an on level way to explain to a child being bisexual, but rather than which do you feel like, or which would you rather be called it'd be more which do you have crushes on more, or which do you like to look at more. That's a pretty good tool for explanation.
I just love this comment section! It's so positive and friendly, I'm not used to this anymore. Most TH-camrs I watch have so much hate in their comment sections, that I'm afraid to read the comments at all. So, yeah, just wanted to say that this community is dope! Okay, bye!
Within the past year, I had a mini gender crisis where, since I started really becoming comfortable in "masculine" clothing, I started to question whether or not I identified with any number of the nonbinary genders. After a lot of soul searching, I decided that I really am so proud to be a woman, but I do like dressing androgynously from time to time. Even well meaning people can sometimes conflate the two, even when they know there's a difference.
I'm a cisgender straight female but I watch these videos to better understand people, and i find it very interesting! :) Always be yourself! Edit! Wow! 150 likes! Thanks guys!! :)
When Ash was asking about why people conflate androgyny with nonbinary, I loved Ari's answer (and Ash's) but I was also thinking about how a lot of it is representation? Right now, go, think of a typical nonbinary person - not that I think there's such a thing. For a lot of us that's gonna be a thin androgynous white person, most often afab. That's what most well-known stories of nonbinary people are, even on TH-cam they're Chandler Wilson or Ash or Miles McKenna (all of whom are great, don't get me wrong!). Could this be part of it? Nonbinary is often represented by white masculine-presentation-leaning thin people which is also Western society's image of androgyny, so they automatically associate the two.
Lexington Kennedy Sorry, I thought he was nonbinary trans but mostly a guy, which is still nonbinary! (I can't find anything to the contrary but I'm sorry if that's not the case!)
Alyssa McLeod Honestly, not really. Most people I follow who don't fit aren't TH-camrs, they're on Instagram or Tumblr. That said, if you want a transfeminine point of view, I've heard of ContraPoints but don't watch, and watch Riley J. Dennis (who used to id as nonbinary, now trans woman) and Stef Sanjati (trans woman) who are both awesome. For non-white and nonbinary, the only one I know of is Spencer Adams, who doesn't upload that often and I don't really watch. I wish I could give you a better, fuller list, that's part of the problem!
This is a brilliant discussion! I know people, myself included, who have mixed up androgyny with being non-binary. My relatives have looked at me cutting my hair short and wearing less 'feminine' clothes as an indication that I want to change my gender and it really isn't about that for me, at all--it's just the way I like to express myself, which for me does not coincide with the gender I identify as. Awareness is certainly needed in this area, so thank you both so much for this :) I'm probably going to send this video out to my family now! :p
Georgia Hargreaves I totally agree, I'm also having struggles with expressing my gender, and I've been grounded from wearing any of the women's clothing I bought. It far from fun, but this video has inspired me to not put me down. And I hope you are able to express whoever you are!
Omg, same. I think my mom is starting to get it, but it's taken a while and she's still not completely there. The rest of my family is still silently confused while letting me do whatever I want. There's a lot of hilarious conversations that start out with me saying "I want..." "But that's guy stuff." "Yep!" and ending in awkward silences. x'D
I'm not sure if you're saying that you mix up the two concepts or the two words, but androgyny isn't just gender expression. I'm androgynous in expression and identity. Andro+gyn = man+woman. The etymology doesn't prescribe the current meaning but it does correctly suggest that many people still understand the word to describe more than just expression. nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Androgyny
@@no_peace Yeah, but grammatically it can also be an adjective. You can be an androgynous man, like, for instance, David Bowie, and you can be an androgynous woman, like Pink. In those cases it just describes their looks; and non-binary, on the other hand, is all about gender identity: it doesn't matter how you look
i'm afab, dress very femininely, but am definitely nonbinary. how i dress. is just a style that i like. it's got nothing to do with my gender at all. i identify as agender, because i have just never felt like a man or a woman. cis people know they're cis, because they feel comfortable being labeled as their assigned gender, but trans people don't! at first i thought i was a transguy, because i thought that only the binary existed, but then i realized that i didn't like being identified as a guy either. i was super fucking confused and i was like "maybe i'm gender fluid???" until i came across nonbinary genders, and i finally didn't hate myself as much. you know how it feels when you can tell you're not being your authentic self? how it sucks and makes you feel like shit? well imagine that with such a personal identity like gender. even when i didn't know my gender, it sucked because i somehow just knew it wasn't right. now i feel much better.
i have short hair but just because i dress normally in pastel colours people automatically assume i’m really feminine and even after telling them that i’m non binary they just tell me that i am non binary they’ll still question or make fun of me
because people label me as "girl", so it makes me uncomfortable that they could, in their mind, register me completely as a woman if i don't make those corrections.
JellyfishGroupStan exactly, what’s wrong with ppl thinking ur a woman? I mean why should your gender matter? What i am trying to say is, gender should not determine who you are and what you r. Sadly Society do put gender in one box as if you’re a woman you’re that and only that, and instead of fighting those stereotypes and the ideas that people have when they know that person is a woman/man. We choose to build a whole new spectrum to get out of this this isn’t really a solution you’re helping (even if you don’t mean it) with stereotyping or agreeing that being a woman or a man is one thing. that all men (and women) are in one box and there’s no individuality, and that’s just pure wrong. I could be mistaken tho. But i am asking you i want to understand why you are not comfortable with pol thinking you are a woman? Edit: because there’s a lot of typos and one sentence felt too much
I personally would descibe my own nonbinary-ness with three questions and their answers. "Are you a girl?" no. "Are you a boy?" no. "So what are you?" *shrugs shoulders*
@@greyfox6664 hey, I’m not the original commenter, but I’m also blind, so maybe I can help. First of all, don’t apologize if you’re just curious. It’s great that you are trying to educate yourself by asking questions, especially since you were so nice about it. Anyway, each blind person does things differently, so my answer might not be the same for another blind person, so just take that into consideration. So most devices are made to be accessible now a days. I’m not completely blind, so I sometimes use a magnification feature. But most of the time I rely on a feature called voiceover. Voiceover is a feature found on every apple device. Other companies have the same feature, but with different names and ways of use, but they all have the same idea. I only have experience with apple however. So, voiceover is a feature that allows you to entirely use your phone with only sound. So it reads whatever is on the screen for you, and you have to learn a few basic gestures to navigate the device. This allows blind people to be fully independent while using their phone/device. That’s the basic idea. I don’t know if I’ve explained it properly. Let me know if you want more or better explanation, or if you have other questions
thank you!! my best friend is nonbinary but i am androgynous and people tend to think that this is the same thing, which is not true! it’s great to have someone finally talk about it. thank you thank you thank you!!
I don't know how to explain nonbinary to cis people bc I barely know how to explain it to myself. It's just a feeling. I just know. If a girl gets called a boy, they'll probably have a bad reaction to it - or at least a sense of 'that's not right.' I have that same feeling whether you call me a girl or a boy. Neither one are right. Both are equally uncomfortable.
same for me to be honest, I feel uncomfortable being called a she but that's -kinda- ok because it's been like that my whole life and my first language is a very gendered one, neutral pronouns don't exist, but I'm also uncomfortable when people mistake me for a boy. As you already said, both are equally uncomfortable.
I get the same, but also the inverse? Both are uncomfortable, but also, both are comfortable? It's kinda like that old story with the blind men and the elephant, each was partly right, and each was partly wrong.
Yes. I have often thought about this. I spent a good year considering this issue before concluding I was a woman. However, given we all have both "masculine" and "feminine" attributes, what the heck *is* gender? I seriously don't know.
Q: “How do you know your non binary?“ my answer: how do you know your left/right handed? Also, are you aware that there are people who are both and how do you know that you are NOT one of them?
I didn’t know if I was left or right handed as a kid either. My grama just out the pencil in my right hand and went “write with this one”. And same with my gender identity. I have no idea because all my life it’s been “she, her, daughter, grand daughter, etc.” and then mix in a VERY religious household and school. I got spat out into adult hood not knowing ANYTHING about myself other than what I was “supposed to be/told”! 🥵
THIS! This is such an amazing way to explain it. I just AM non binary. I always didn't feel (at least fully, my gender is weird lol) like a girl. But completely boy didn't feel right either.
To cis people i would explain it as being uncomfortable in a shirt that is too tight too constricting (woman/female [ i.e my agab]) and not fitting into a shirt that is too big (man/male ['opposite' of my agab]). Being non-binary for me is a shirt that fits right.
This is a very apt description! I myself am non binary, and I can definitely relate to this analogy! Another way I like to describe it as is a weight on my chest. I feel that my options are too limited for my expression and identity, and that I’m feeling crushed under social expectations. Hoping that soon I can come out to my fam 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
We're not getting it because we grew up in a black-and-white world and now you're telling us there's all these other colors! What is this blue you speak of? How exactly is it not just a different shade of grey?
As a nonbinary person, I experience dysphoria but I think it’s very different from what binary trans people experience. For me, I would love to have no genitals at all and just be smooth like a Ken doll, which sounds ridiculous and isn’t even possible. But I’ve always felt this way. I don’t necessarily want a penis but I have extreme dysphoria about the genitals I have. I also have social dysphoria when I am seen/perceived as a woman because I’ve never felt like a woman and even on an exterior level I don’t see myself the way other people see me. I look at my body and see a nonbinary body. I happen to dress androgynously because that is what makes me the most comfortable, but it doesn’t have much to do with my gender identity. I personally love men’s fashion but I also always trying to appear as androgynous as possible to the average joe in the hopes that they won’t misgender me. It never works, but regardless it makes me feel more comfortable in regards to my social dysphoria. I don’t know if that made sense, but that’s the best way I could describe it.
Androgynous fashion is a huge part of my style and how I like to express myself, and sometimes I'll be wearing a super revealing crop top with a miniskirt and other times I just want to wear super "manly" clothes. It has nothing to do with my gender identity, it's just how I like to dress.
That's an interesting video ! I'm personally a "tomboy" (I don't really see this word as an insult), meaning that I, a cisgender woman, like to have short hair, not wear make-up and wear boys clothes. But I also like feminine clothing, having make-up on and I wear high heels a lot - sometimes I'll be wearing a full boyish outfit but rocking some beautiful women's shoes. And I have absolutely no problem with that, I am a woman and those are just clothes. I feel more comfortable in some clothes, I feel prettier in others, and it's not always masculine for the first and feminine for the second ! It's just that a lot of teenagers (or young adults I guess, but when it comes to misunderstanding a LGBT+ issue, teens are pros) mistake me for non-binary, and even try to convince me that i'm non-binary and just haven't realised it yet. I have this one friend to whom I have explained many times that I am a woman and nothing else, but they keep on giving me masculine (because in french there is no neutral, masculine plays as some kind of neutral) pronouns etc. I have stopped saying anything because to be honest, I don't really care, someone thinking I identify as male or non-binary won't hurt me, but I just think it's a shame that some people - as he is not the only one - don't understand such an easy thing as "I don't care" (and it's not just cis people - the friend I mentioned is trans !) It's a shame because it even had me question my own identity when it could have been so easy for me to be comfortable with my gender my whole life. I'm a woman, and that's about it. It's just a fact with which I am not uncomfortable, but I am not "proud" of.
Jadzia I have LGBT community friends who think I'm bi in a closet because I'm a tomboy that feels sexually about men and am also quite emotional about my female friends. (I'm probably hsp if that's a thing) I've told them I'm straight many times but this one friend keeps suggesting I haven't figured it out and my opinion might change. I'm tired of it, I want the wife life with kids and my man buyng me flowers on our anniversary. That's super traditional and one could say I'm conditioned to want it, but please. I wear flanel shirts, hiking shoes, no makeup, no bra and a men's leather jacket, and I currently go to art school, and when it comes to religion, I think God would accept me for whoever I might be, because if he is there, he is allmighty-wise. I don't have anything against being with a woman, beside not wanting to do sexual things with them. I'm a sensitive person, I can tell if I'm sexually attracted to someone...
I'm a tomboy too. A few months ago I cut my hair short. I sometimes like to wear "girly clothes" but sometimes I wear clothes that look more like "boy clothes". It annoys me when I go out and people use masculine pronouns because they see short hair and think 'They have short hair so they must be a boy'. That happens even if I'm wearing "girly clothes'.
Uh oh, I’ve labeled myself as a Tom boy ever since I was small because I thought it meant “well I only like wearing guy clothes and never like girly things” not “I like both” 😱
I think to be nonbinary is to know that your identity is more complex than the dichotomy of male vs. female can encompass. For me, the human experience is immensely nuanced, and it would be selling it short to say it can only be one thing or the other.
Miranda Loughry Males and females can live, wear, think, be how they like. There is no restriction in western culture. No one needs a special otherly label.
Ahh, it makes me so happy every time agender is acknowledged by people (I'm agender)! Also, this video makes me incredibly happy overall. Ari seems awesome, Ash, thanks for introducing her to us!
I'm still pretty in the closet, so I haven't had many opportunities to explain being nonbinary to cis people yet, but -- one of the biggest things for me is being asked to choose an identifier, like, if I'm looking at a form that asks me to give myself a title, "Ms." or "Mrs." or "Mr." etc. And I'm sitting there thinking, none of this is me. None of these things describe me. They're all wrong. I literally don't know what to pick. So I think I might describe it like that -- if you're a cis guy, and you're given a form where the only options are "Miss," "Ms.," or "Mrs.", and you try to say that none of those titles describe you, and you're told that of course they do, those are the only options, you have to choose one. And in the end you have to pick one or you can't get whatever important thing this form is for, like, but it feels icky and anxious and wrong, like the sort of queasy feeling you get in your stomach when you're lying. Sometimes being nonbinary feels like proof by omission. You know what you are because you know what you're not. I know I'm not a man. I know I'm not a woman. So I have to find a space for myself somewhere in the middle.
being nonbinary is like picking between vanilla and chocolate ice cream when the strawberry is your favorite. and clothes are like toppings, it doesn't matter what toppings you get it doesn't change the flavor of your ice cream
nonbinary is so broad. There are a plethora of different gender identities outside the notion of "man" and "woman". Androgyny really is just presentation but to an extent what's defined as androgynous depends on how society genders elements of expression. Dresses may be viewed as feminine now but young boys used to wear them all the time not that long ago. High heels and eyeliner weren't originally considered feminine either. Notions of gender and related concepts are ultimately social constructs, so their meaning is fluid and subject to change over time as we come to view them differently.
taiga738 "There are a plethora of gender identities outside of the 'man' and 'woman'" I think there are so many inside of 'man' and 'woman' too. This community doesn't tend to talk about it, because it's not about cis people, and maybe trans binary people can rationalize it with their hormones that they know they have? But I am confident that I am cis, but I don't think I have exactly the same gender identity as every woman, and I don't feel the same amount of femininity or masculinity every day. Because of this I present myself more masculine or androgynous other days and feminine other days. But even on masculine days, under more masculine clothes, I feel like myself, and identify as a woman. If dysphoria means that you feel "that doesn't look like me", then it depends on the day for me which clothes I would feel dysphoric to wear. So I wear what feels comfortable that day. I call myself a tomboy sometimes. When I look at a group of women, I think "they are the same gender as me" but I also think "They are not the same world as me". Because I've rarely felt like I belong, in a group of women. Same with men, same with non-binary people. I'm most confident in a mixed group where everyone's gender is ignored.
As a cis person, at this point I feel like I have a pretty good understanding and can sympathize well with nonbinary people, but the reason for that is that I've spent the last few years listening to the accounts and stories of people like you, on channels like this one. I think the very best thing we can all do is just to continue to raise up and highlight nonbinary voices, and listen to these individual experiences so that our perspectives can expand. Of course that's not to say "Oh, I know exactly what nb people are going through" because of course I don't! But at this point it's not so challenging for me to imagine as it was in years past, because content like this has helped me expand my understanding and my vocabulary and made it much, much less foreign seeming. c:
This is so important! Like me for example, I'm a cis butch lesbian and on occasion I get mistaken for being trans; like people will address me as "him" or will open the men's bathroom door for me at public places and I'm just like, "I'm not trans, guys, I'm just androgynous". It doesn't really bother me, per se, but it is a little weird since we need to educate ourselves/each other and learn the difference. Ask for people's pronouns if you're not sure about their gender identity, that's better than just assuming. But thanks for making this video, Ash, it's so important!
Being nonbinary is like being a spork, in which a spork is both a spoon and a fork but also neither! Nonbinary is like being a man and a woman at the same time but also neither! Thanks Ash, love your content ❤️
When gender expression, gender, and sex seem causally connected for the entirety of someone's life, it can be hard to understand the broad world of gender identity. Especially because there is a pretty strong correlation between the three.
"i love being a woman, my womanhood is important to me" WELL THEN i cannot relate to that! i never related! never liked thinking of myself as a woman!! holy heck that just validates my enby identity so much, bless you for this video. ;v;
First off, awesome video! Second, amazing music choice! Lastly. NB. I feel I have an easier time explaining because I am intersex, usually I have to explain that as well, but whatevs. I literally am non-binary. I do not fall within either social construct. I have XY chromosomes, but am phenotypically female. My breasts only developed so much because after surgery I had to start taking estrogen. So non-binary is anyone who does not fall within male or female. Because here's the thing. Gender is not parts, it's not chromosomes, because if that was the case, I would be both and neither. Gender is who you are. So to say you *have* to be this or that is crap. For someone to choose your gender makes no sense, how do they know you at birth better than you know yourself? So yeah. ✌️💜
I thought gender is technically the parts oneself has? I'm not trying to be rude. I don't want to force people to be someone they don't want to be. I'm curious as to that point you made about gender. I thought there is male or female and then non-binary. A lot of this confuses me even when I research it sorry aha
3milyMerritt its much easier to understand if you seperate the term woman from female. Female is a sex just as male is. Where as a women is how you feel intrinsically and how you want to be perceived. For example a preT transman is female but also a man. :)
Omg this helped me so much. I've recently realized that i love dressing in a masculine way but i didn't want to give up my femininity. Knowing that i can be a female and dress androgynously means the world to me! 💜💜 Thank you lovlies!!
Also thank you both so much for this video! I've already been thinking ALOT lately about how I definitely feel 100% woman but love dressing masc or femme depending on my mood and it makes me so happy knowing that this is a thing, you know? Like I can be cisgender and shop in the "men's" section. It's wonderful!
When Ari started talking about how she has always loved her womanhood, I thought that was so cool. But my whole life I have always felt disconnected from my womanhood(I'm afab) I also don't feel connected to men, if that makes sense, I've never felt like I belong in a woman's body or a man's body. My chest and hips cause dysphoria for me, my height(I'm super short) causes dysphoria for me, my hair used to cause me dysphoria because it was always so long(like to my hips). I dread waking up in the morning and being called by my birth name and by she/her because it's this link to femininity that I absolutely despise for myself because it's not who I am. I hope this made some level of sense to anyone but myself.
ive been struggling with my gender for a few years. I tried coming out when I was 18 but got a lot of hate from family and most of my friends. So I took it back and told everyone I was joking. Now that I'm older I really want to live my true identity but, i'm scared to go at it alone as I still have no support system. Thank you for coming to my ted talk...
thank you so much for making videos like this. i believe majority of the people who do not respect, accept, and/ or use my correct pronouns do it because of lack of knowledge they have on non binary.
Also, people are a lot more aggressive online than they are in real life. People can be transphobic irl, obviously, but people are less often as vocal in person than they are online.
Rian Lewis i have a “friend,” that constantly uses she/her/last/woman when talking to me and constantly invalidates me in front of people especially in public and i really wish i could avoid her but she hangs out with a lot of my friends
Sarah Hall maybe u could get help from ur friends. If the use the correct pronouns and support u u could ask them to correct her in situations like that!?
This isn’t really related, but Ash, I thought you might want to know there there’s a kick-ass gay couple in Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency S2 (awesome show you should totally watch) and it’s blended it completely seamlessly without anything made of it. Really awesome to know that some people are starting to get it
Ash making others start their video as her "thing" is a real power move and if I ever do "vlog" / "youtube-y" style videos and "collabs" I totally want to steal that gimmick lmao.
This analogy is probably more relatable for geeks, but this is how I would explain cis, trans, nb, etc. based on my personal understanding: Cisgender men are like PCs running Windows. Cis women are like Macs running Mac OS. Transgender men are like Macs running Windows. Trans women are like PCs running Mac OS. (Binary) genderfluid is something like dual-booting to either Windows or Mac OS using Bootcamp, while (binary) bigender is probably more like Parallels (you can access both OSes at the same time). Non-binary would be like Android, Chrome, iOS, Linux, etc.
How I would personally, and have described my personal nonbinary-ness to people is that I fall somewhere in between the spectrum of male and female, that identify with many different traits of both genders, but also that it is also something entirely on its own. And most of the people have understood that about me.
Willow Wynters There is no spectrum between male and female. Scientifically you can’t have a spectrum (continuous) at the same time as male and female (categories). Everyone has different traits of male and female, or of masculinity and femininity, it is quite normal. You are normal male or female with different traits of both, like the rest of us.
This video is so important!!! I hear people saying 'why do you need a new gender identity just because you like wearing masculine/feminine clothes' all the time. Because that's what they see and have probably experienced, being tomboys and being androgynous/knowing people who are, and they think non binary people feel the same way! I myself am an androgynous female and that made me confused about non binary identity for a while, because I thought they just feel like I do. Sometimes feminine, sometimes masculine, but still a woman through and through, just like Ari described it. But those are two completely different things and you two explained it SO very well! x
To me being a Nonbinary/ Gender Nonconforming A.F.A.B person, I can look in the mirror and just see me, and not see myself as a girl or a boy. And I can just wear what I like and not have to think about gender or what people will think when they see me, I can just kinda be like “well here I am, just being me, wearing what I want”. And even though I do like looking Androgynous, I also like wearing dresses, and wearing lipgloss, and painting my nails, but I also like wearing button-ups, and boxer briefs, and binding my chest. And that feeling of freedom is really nice. Anyway that’s what I have to say about being Nonbinary, I hope this was helpful to someone. And Ash, of your reading this, I absolutely love your videos, and watching them gives me confidence to keep being me, and not let people get me down. I love you, and i hope you keep doing what makes you happy 😊❤️
Owl 2004 Just like all the other males and females who make up 99.99% of the population who dress how they like and present how they like. Wake up. This is normal. You don’t need a meaningless label to dress how you like. YOU ARE NOT ANOTHER GENDER.
I would describe it as having to choose between liking cats and dogs. Some people like cats, some like dogs. Some like both and some like neither, while some opinions change or are a mix between them.
It's interesting to watch this now that Arrows identifies differently. It would be cool to do the interview again and chat about how our understanding of our identites can shift with time.
As an older cis gay man who's been out in the LGBTQ communities since I was a teen I think that some of people's confusion or "resistance" comes from the fact that in different cultures, times, places these concepts are not consistent. For many people learning new things is difficult. When I was young in the 70s in NYC I had friends who encompassed all of these concepts but the language was different, and sometimes the identities were different and more limited too. I hear a lot of older gay men say that now "things are so complicated". If it seems confusing or difficult to learn some choose to just dismiss it all (cue identity of the term "cis privilege") and harken back to the concepts of their youth. I'm not saying that this is a good approach, just a reality! Thanks for taking the time to spell out something that makes a lot of sense and doesn't seem all that complicated to me!
When I first started watching your videos, I really struggled to understand being non-binary but I didn't want to dismiss an idea or experience just because I didn't understand it. So I kept watching and watching and came to understand more and more but also came to realise the complex nature of my own gender! I can't help but think of you as a patient, kind friend who's put up with me not understanding and struggling and I really want to say thank you, even though we've never met, and that I really hope you are able to find the surgeries/expressions etc. that validate who you are
Once I was at a shoe store and I wanted this one pair of "mens" shoes and the lady said I was supposed to pick in the women's. I don't like that store. Life sucks sometimes.
MMMae 04 Then buy the shoes that you want. Don’t be pushed around by a 12 year old shop assistant. Jeez. Is this more proof that “NB” is just fashion? I think so.
I love your discussions. I think the reason people want to put it all in one box (speaking as just my opinion as a pretty vanilla female) that for someone that identifies as a normal gender type, it is hard to understand what goes on with how it feels to not be that. I think this goes with many other things in society that are not "normal". Trying to understand what someone else is going through when you yourself have no idea it is hard to wrap your brain around what is unfamiliar to you. I watch this channel quite often because I am a very open minded person that believes that all people are perfect exactly the way they are no matter how different they are from me. I love that you guys are bringing more and more of an awareness to this and trying to help people understand. Keep posting and being the awesome person that is you!
thank you for this!!! im nonbinary and sometimes i present very femme, sometimes im androgynous, sometimes i present more masculine. but no matter what i decide to wear my identity is the same and im still uncomfortable with the binary etc.
Being NB for me is not having those standards of female or male. Despite us saying there is none, many people will set standards unknowingly or subconsciously. Being nonbinary is something that relieves my anxiety towards what some may think, because what standards can they set if they have no idea what I am! Being nonbinary makes me comfortable in my skin, and some days I wake up wishing my breasts were no longer existing, but being male isn't for me just as female isn't. For me I like being able to just not have to fall into the standard or idea that girls are one way and guys are another. It's so hard for me to explain the relief that comes when I hear they or them as apposed to she or he because at the end of the day what's in my pants shouldn't be the first concern. Rather than breaking the standard I want to erase it all together. That's a horribly explanation on how I feel being nonbinary is for me.
I agree about that people conflate them because they are uncomfortable with “differences” and find it difficult to understand, so they push it aside and try not to deal with this.
Thank you so much for this. I'm non-binary and trans, and I was recently told by a binary trans person that if I wear makeup and feminine clothing as an afab person, "..it's like, come on..." The trivialization of my experience has brought up feelings of pressure to take T and get top surgery - when the decision should be mine entirely. I'm finally coming to realize that I'm feeling pressure and advice from people who literally have no idea what it's like to be non-binary, and are only the experts of their own unique experiences. I am trans enough. When I DO feel good/aligned/sexy etc. presenting femme, I have feelings of guilt come up, like I can only be loud, proud and trans when I present more androgynous, and that I need to hide this part of myself from other trans people to be accepted/validated. Being non-binary in a cis society can be a vulnerable space to exist in, and I'm working through these feelings. This video means a lot to me, and I am so appreciative to have the kind of representation you are sharing here, Ash.
This seems familiar to me, as a bi woman who has often felt excluded from lesbian groups for not being gay enough, even when my partner at the time was a woman. Just do you and to hell with them.
I can believe how much with the woman being interviewed. I too am a female androgynous cis woman. I very much embrace my womenness. Back in the mid 80s, early 90s being androgynous was accepted. It is about gender ambiguity. David Bowie, Annie Lennox, Matilda Swinton and especially Marlene Dietrich were whom I identified with. I am not fluid or nonbinary. I am a woman who likes to display just enough masculine traits but enough feminine traits that you're not sure exactly what I am. For high school grad, 1988 , I wore black pleated tailored pants in a raised black paisley embroidered design, with a white sleeveless tank top style blouse that had a cuff neckline. Around my waist I wore this awesome black sequined belt that had an fancy elastic front clasp except I wore it with the clasp at the back. It made the perfect cummerbund. And I wore a black satin bowtie. My favorite cologne was Jazz (mens cologne that kind of like headey female cologne with a bit male accents. I had black hair asymmetrical short with long chin length top. I worn dark heavy eyeliner and shadow, palest white complexion, strong dark plum blush to sculpture my high cheekbones and a lipstick called Redist Red. Even the teachers and principal eyes widened when I entered the venue. I had some many guys staring at me and trying to talk me up, a lot of girls were pissed off. I was a teen, I wasn't trying to piss of the girls, I just thought it was the perfect grad "dress" for me. Oh and black 3" patent leather pumps. I told this to my 16 yr old son, and he said coo,l you were way ahead of your time, You probably looked like a anime teen boy. Lol we both laughed. Must people back then knew what anime was... Androgynous is all about mystery and ambiguity.
I've always identified as a cis woman but I love men's clothes/gender neutral clothes and presenting with a non-feminine gender expression. I never thought of using the word androgynous to describe myself before now. Thank you for this!
@@xbduf4gb Get a life. You seem to have a thing for seeking out trans people’s videos and replying to every comment you can find with the same three copy-pasted responses.
Thank you!!! You two have made my life. I've been actively questioning my gender (my egg cracked during covid when I joined tiktok) and you've finally helped me untangle the knots. I am trans ftm, androgynous in presentation. 💗 My journey begins!
Radio Silence is an great book that has an agender character in it and I was surprised because nonbinary people don't get a ton of representation and I loved seeing that
As a cis girl, I always imagine being non-binary as feeling the most “yourself” in the deepest part of your mind. For me, if I space out and am alone with my thoughts, societal gender disappears, and I’m just a person. Though I’m still a girl, I imagine being non-binary as feeling like the deep part of my mind comes to the front of a nb person’s mind, where it’s just tiring to think of oneself as male or female. Am I right at all? Please let me know! I’m really trying to understand haha! ❤️
Angie -dono Yeah I see this. If people don't remind me I have a sex I will forget all day. I just think of myself as me not as a girl or a boy or female or male. I sometimes get confused when people are really insistent with calling me a certain gender because it just makes no sense to me.
Angie Dauber There’s no difference between you and a female calling herself non-binary, except the latter needs a label for some reason. PS you are not “cis” you are just female.
I love this chat so much because I so identify with Ari, androgynous but totally woman. And also I wanna be more in touch with Ash and folks who identify like they do! I love the crossover and I like that it’s noted that androgyny can be more about self expression and non-bi is more about self identity. Love it! Love y’all!
Three years ago I watched this as an ally to non binary people. Now I`m watching this as I`m seriously questioning my gender and started to lean into calling myself demigirl + agender. I really miss you Ash, but I`m following you on instagram and I know you`re safe and doing great, and honestly that`s all I care about. Take as much time off youtube as you want, don`t even come back to youtube if you don`t want to, but I`d honestly love if you did. Regardless, I`ll keep supporting you and keep you close to my heart. Much love to you and Gray!
I'm questioning.. i am assigned female and have occasionally felt uncomfortable about things like wearing dresses and the appearance of my chest ..but i wouldn't say i feel dyphoric? Sometimes i wonder if i am non binary but then i think i do feel most comfortable with she/her pronouns. Also i recently got diagnosed with poly cystic ovaries and the idea of having to take hormones to balance my testosterone makes me feel kinda angry ... i don't want to feel like my hair growth or anything is "wrong" for my gender? And i came off the pill as i didn't like how it was distributing my body fat... expression and identity is confusing ://
You could also be a tomboy if you like she/her. For ex, Being a woman is just apart of me and I'm kind of neutral about it. Gender doesn't have to be all of what makes you, you. You are your personality and thoughts. Yes there are female stereotypes that you want to disassociate from. But it doesn't mean you need to change your gender completly. Truthfully there is many different shades of what a woman can be. Just a little food for thought non-binary folks?
Uh, that's because society's standards are much more rigid on women :( We need to fight those stereotypes so young girls and every woman can feel comfortable in their bodies ♡
I just love scrolling through the comments. Because I could see all the people blatantly ignoring the dislike button on other people's comments and it restores my faith in humanity. 😍😍😍😍😍 Also, great video! I really needed this. I'm just a newbie androgynous. Thank you!
I swear, about five minutes before I watched this video I thought "Hmm, I'm going to put a non-binary person in my story I'm working on, they need more representation in media." Then I saw this and was kinda like that's exactly what I was saying pretty much. (I feel like I could have worded that better, but you get the drift.) Also, on the Netflix series One Day At A Time, we have a non-binary character. I thought that was pretty cool when I saw that.
I’m a cis-female, bisexual who loves dressing androgynously. This video has helped me not only feel comfortable in my own skin, but help me gain the vocabulary to educate my peers (who are kind enough to ask if I am trans/nb) about my feelings without taking away validity from those who are trans/nb. Thanks, Ash. ❤️ Thanks, Ari. ❤️
I reaaally really liked that video. Sometimes it's hard to navigate and figure out who you are, especially when presentation vs identity comes into play - so this was very helpful.
around 5:48 Ari and Ash start talking about nb representation in media and how it would be cool to have, for example, a person on Stranger Things who uses they/them pronouns. good news! One Day At A Time (a show on Netflix) just introduced a character in their second season named Syd who uses they/them pronouns! I watch a whole lot of stuff and this is the first instance I've seen of a character who, in Ari's words "doesn't subscribe to the binary" and I think Syd could be the beginning of something great! if there are any other good examples of nb or any other underrepresented identity in media please comment, I'd love more things to check out!
Androginy = how you present yourself only. - Nonbinary = how you feel and think inside too. Both: Not binary men or woman. Congrat to Ari and every woman like this. Women loves women = it´s IMHO the best. But everyone have their own choices, what they like best. It´s ok, if a woman don´t want to be "girlie" and finds her own way, how to be.
While watching the beginning, (and really during the past few days) i've been asking myself, "do i really like being a woman?? or is it just a lie i've been forcing down my own throat??" i genuinely can't tell anymore.
It's been said a million times before, but your editing and graphic skills are dope. I really like your style and I appreciate how much work you put in every single video. Not that your content wasn't great as well, but damn, you know how to make it look nice and unique!
Ari and I chat about the difference between androgyny and being nonbinary. ISNT ARI LOVELY?! Comment if you agree :)
Ash Hardell if you agree
Omg, yass!!! She's amazing!
Ash Hardell she’s amazing
If you agree
Btw love that cat in the background
She, her and daddy, naturally.
the daddy one makes me want to meet her and call her daddy
WarsInAction hmm if you used it as a pronouns your sentence would look more like this ( The daddy one makes me want to meet daddy and call daddy, daddy) ok that was weird to write xD
@Morgan Brandy daddy[she] is great
“Daddy” sounds incestuous. Do you realise that?
Remember the episode of SpongeBob where he gets stuck in Rock Bottom on accident, and goes to the bathroom but neither door sign made sense? That's exactly how I feel.
That description is priceless. I love it.
Is there a clip of this on yt?
Awe hunny....
Yo this is something that takes on a whole other meaning as an adult then when I watched it as a kid. Spongebob was way more woke than I thought haha.
I could walk into any bathroom tbh
The way I explained nonbinary to my dad, which he seemed to understand a little bit, was "Imagine being in elementary school gym class and they divide the class into girls and boys, and you're just left in the middle, not sure which side to go to. Both feel right and wrong at the same time."
T-Shades the right and wrong at the same time hits home!
That's a really good analogy.
Complicated
I was born a male (physically) but my mind and soul is female, however, I don't suffer from gender dysphoria. There you go. That's my definition of non-binary. And I'm androgynous AND GNC. Basically a feminine-looking gay boy, with a female mindset.
That‘s a really cool description, because it‘s describes an emotion most people can relate to along with the slight sense of unease the situation conveys. After all, in the gym situation you are supposed to pick a team, the whole class can‘t continue until you do, while at the same time, the choice is pretty impossible. Which is very much the inconvenience everyday life brings with it. You know where you are supposed to go, in order not to create a fuss, yet the proper choice feels just as right-wrong as choosing the controversial other option would.
I explained being non-binary to a cis friend like this:
Imagine we live in a world where we're fruits. And we all live in a grocery store where there are two baskets: apples and oranges. But I'm a pear, so I have to live in a separate pear basket. Lots of people walk by all the time and ignore I'm there because they're only used to buying apples and oranges and have no idea what a pear would taste like. Sometimes people think I must have been misplaced and put me in the apple basket or the orange basket. Sometimes they even try to throw me on the ground or remove me from the store because they believe only apples and oranges belong in the store. Despite all this, I'm a pear, no matter how hard I try to disguise myself as an apple or an orange.
Obviously this is a pretty silly super simplified analogy, but it kinda works for me.
I actually love this description
Eva G-S I LOVE THIS!! And as an almost 30 year old who’s spent my whole life suppressing my gender, this makes perfect since. I was asked my pronouns for the first time 4 months ago and freaked out because it was the first time I really had to think about it and then was expected to give an answer publicly. So since then I’ve been binge watching Ash’s channel trying to figure myself out. But this explanation, though so simple, has totally been what I needed. THANK YOU!
this needs to be pinned, i love it :)
Great analogy!
Randa Mason So glad I could help! I’m much younger than you, but I can still relate, especially with the pronouns. I wish you luck in figuring yourself out!
The conflation of "androgynous" and "nonbinary" really bothers me because my gender "expression" is fairly neutral. I'm not trying to look masc, fem, or androgynous; I just wear what I wear and it comes across how it comes across. But at the same time, there are times when I can't wear what I want to wear because it makes me dysphoric when I look at it on my body.
T-Shades I've had situations like that as an androgynous female. Recently, I painted a cool design on my nails for the first time in a long while. Looking just at my hands, I loved how it looked. But when I saw my whole self in the mirror, it felt so uncomfortably feminine that I quickly took it off.
OMG YESSS! Same! On the dysphoric thing! I was assigned female at birth and consider myself pretty much a cisgender woman. BUT. I feel an almost extreme aversion towards being perceived as too stereotypical feminine. I looove my androgynous body (tiny boobs, no hips etc) but I also like to paint my nails sometimes and put on make-up. But not because I want to be seen as a "real woman". me thinks if I was assigned male at birth I would still want to wear the same clothes as I do now and put on make-up. I just "got lucky" my way of expressing my gender is more accepted in women than in men.
amethystviolet dreams yes! I think the whole idea of make up being strictly for females/girls is idiotic. I once had a conversation with a male friend of mine when we were still teenagers about concealer. My comment to him was that I don't get why boys don't wear concealer (or something like that, I don't quite remember anymore) and his response was basically "boys can't wear make up". I thought that was so weird as personally I don't really see concealer as "make up".
Are there any particular things which stand out as making you dysphoric? For me, it's pyjamas, even though no one's going to see me in them. Maybe it's because most of my daytime clothes are androgynous already, but PJs are hard to find in my size in neutral/masculine styles?
Yea i know what you mean. Im a female thats a demirom ace, and i consider myself a tomboy. But even though i look like a guy with my haircut, and my sister calls me my masculine name in a joking way and i dont care, doesnt mean that im genderfluid or nonbinary. I just dont care anymore.
Ari seems like such a genuine person
Yeah..
I also watch your videos kovu 🤗🤘😎😎
I am overly distracted by this amazing octopus mug... I need that in my life
nautilus belauensis same.
Right? It's so cool!
As soon as I saw it I sent it to my bestie who takes ceramics and SHES MAKING ME ONE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!
wow.
ari is a beautiful human being.
evan the octopus she really is
....
But we all are...
"Describe being NB to a cis person"-I no longer identify as NB (binary trans woman now) so I realize the period where I used the NB label may be suspect, but I think it accurately described my experience at the time. What it was like: I felt like I could not comfortably exist in the world as either a man or a woman. In retrospect I think I wanted to be a woman but felt that I could not be that as a result of my male attributes, and living in a middle space was for me an important experiment that allowed me to start imagining what being a trans woman might be like without yet committing to it fully. So I turned out not to be "truly" NB I suppose, but the experience has left me with a sense of how someone *could* occupy that state permanently: always feeling like neither "man" or "woman" is a comfortable role, and preferring instead to shun the binary categories altogether. I guess that's not really much of a description. It's an intensely difficult thing to describe.
Loved the video!
I read this comment and found it very helpful for me... and then I realized it was literally written by Contrapoints! I'm surprised nobody else has commented here yet!
REIGN ON DARK MOTHER and all that jazz
@@odoloid ahh I was just writing a comment about how contra points said something very similar in her video and very well said- then I read your comment lol oops
goddess
I had a similar situation concerning sexuality and while mine was trauma-based, I do still feel like it was a part of me. Up until the point of the story, I had been molested as a child but still identified as heterosexual. However, once I was raped in high school by an ex-boyfriend, I realized after awhile that I identified as asexual. I didn't want men because of what happened to me but I didn't want women, either. Couple that with the fact that I had been sexually assaulted by both genders, it was hard to separate this change from the trauma I experienced.
However, it lasted for years, even once I became heteroromantic.
My sexuality shifted again once I finally reached university and it was a gradual thing, but I know that I currently stand firmly in the heteromantic camp. However, it's been extremely difficult to find my sexual orientation counterpart. Pansexual doesn't fit and many people concluded that I was bisexual, but that excluded trans/nb/androgynous people I felt sexually attracted to as well. Plus that level of attraction literally changes (very similar to gender fluidity). I think hetero-flexible has been the closest term that I feel comfortable with on the sexuality front, and because I have never felt romantically attracted to genders outside of cis hetero men (even behind a computer screen), I don't feel comfortable dating outside of the cis hetero male pool because I wouldn't ever want to hurt another person who could potentially develop feelings I couldn't return.
I have NO IDEA why I'm sharing this very private aspect of my identity on a public TH-cam comment, but it's something that I struggle with because I feel like I forever... don't fit.
I've even tested this theory with dating Sim games where characters that presented as androgynous or female love interests appealed to me only sexually, but never actually romantically. So, yeah. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. The simple answer I give is that I'm a cis female woman dating a cis hetero man. People can assume what that means from there, because depending on the day, I don't even know myself and I'm almost 30. 🙃
Have a nice day good people. This was awkward, but if you read this, thanks.
Feeling rebellious watching this without headphones next to my super traditional grandfather (who doesn't know I'm trans.)
Jaxon Gamble the world is changing 💛
👍
#rebel !1!1 (I'm sorry for being v cringy)
Jaxon Felton haha you too :p
WE GOT A MADLAD HERE FAM WOOOAAAHHHH SO CRAZY :O
omg screaming in my room right now because this came out as beautifully as i expected. i really loved hanging with you and chatting, love. you're great.
I loved how you explained it!
The way I describe being non-binary to a cis person is that I look at a group of guys and say "not the same gender as me" which is expected because I am not a guy, trans or otherwise. I get this same feeling when I look at a group of girls. "Not the same gender as me". However when there is a non-binary person, feminine or masculine origin aside, I see them and feel "they are the same gender as me".
Charis M I like this!
So true! I feel much more at home with other NBs.
Oh okay. (I’m a confused cis-female) So whenever im with other girls I guess I have a “connection” or I just automatically relate to them. And you have a connection with other nb people, that’s actually really interesting.
Ash Hardell I see now that you made a vid about this but my experience is different...I do feel enby AND like to express myself in an androgynous way....when I told a family member I feel androgynous! She said “ but you don’t look it ! “ which hurt my feelings isn’t it like the thing of “ you don’t have to pass” ? Please watch my video th-cam.com/video/9455R1mXVpk/w-d-xo.html
Hayley X tbh it's usually when the person describes their gender is when I feel the strongest connection. And also how they carry themselves. I can't always just tell someone is non binary just by how the look or act, however when someone doesn't identify with the typical definition of binary gender, they DO carry themselves differently than those who do. This also applies to cis men and women who don't adhere to gender roles, but even then it's still slightly different than being non-binary. It's rather like how people who share the same religion can relate to each other, if that makes sense. We can look and act different from each other but having a similar identity ties us together
I think a better way to explain being nonbinary is using a childhood metaphor. In my part of the world as a kid, we played Coke or Pepsi. All the kids that liked Coke better would stand next to one wall, and all the kids that liked Pepsi better would stand next to the opposite wall. The game is based on the assumption that everyone has a preference. But, what if you don't really like either, or you like both of them a lot and can't choose between them? Which side do you go on if you feel indifferently (or too strongly) about both of the two options presented to you?
Jordan the Shitlord I love this metaphor so true
Jordan the Shitlord Love it!
Jordan the Shitlord this is so good!
This honestly helps! Thank you!
That could also be an on level way to explain to a child being bisexual, but rather than which do you feel like, or which would you rather be called it'd be more which do you have crushes on more, or which do you like to look at more. That's a pretty good tool for explanation.
I just love this comment section! It's so positive and friendly, I'm not used to this anymore. Most TH-camrs I watch have so much hate in their comment sections, that I'm afraid to read the comments at all. So, yeah, just wanted to say that this community is dope! Okay, bye!
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Within the past year, I had a mini gender crisis where, since I started really becoming comfortable in "masculine" clothing, I started to question whether or not I identified with any number of the nonbinary genders. After a lot of soul searching, I decided that I really am so proud to be a woman, but I do like dressing androgynously from time to time. Even well meaning people can sometimes conflate the two, even when they know there's a difference.
I'm a cisgender straight female but I watch these videos to better understand people, and i find it very interesting! :) Always be yourself!
Edit! Wow! 150 likes! Thanks guys!! :)
Riana Productionz hey friend! Thank you for existing right now! Know that you're appreciated :)
Mister E Thank me?! I love existing, its no problem, haha. I love everyone, and i thank YOU for existing!!! :)
A wholesome exchange!
reem930 well then, welcome to the good side of the TH-cam comments?
Riana Productionz that's awesome!
When Ash was asking about why people conflate androgyny with nonbinary, I loved Ari's answer (and Ash's) but I was also thinking about how a lot of it is representation? Right now, go, think of a typical nonbinary person - not that I think there's such a thing. For a lot of us that's gonna be a thin androgynous white person, most often afab. That's what most well-known stories of nonbinary people are, even on TH-cam they're Chandler Wilson or Ash or Miles McKenna (all of whom are great, don't get me wrong!). Could this be part of it? Nonbinary is often represented by white masculine-presentation-leaning thin people which is also Western society's image of androgyny, so they automatically associate the two.
Agreed, but just dropping in to say that Miles isn't non binary! I love your input though. Thanks for sharing!
Do you happen to know of a channel that doesn't fit this image? I would love to subscribe!
EXACTLY! I FEEL SO ALONE BEING A AMAB NB PERSON!!!!!!!
Lexington Kennedy Sorry, I thought he was nonbinary trans but mostly a guy, which is still nonbinary! (I can't find anything to the contrary but I'm sorry if that's not the case!)
Alyssa McLeod Honestly, not really. Most people I follow who don't fit aren't TH-camrs, they're on Instagram or Tumblr. That said, if you want a transfeminine point of view, I've heard of ContraPoints but don't watch, and watch Riley J. Dennis (who used to id as nonbinary, now trans woman) and Stef Sanjati (trans woman) who are both awesome. For non-white and nonbinary, the only one I know of is Spencer Adams, who doesn't upload that often and I don't really watch. I wish I could give you a better, fuller list, that's part of the problem!
This is a brilliant discussion! I know people, myself included, who have mixed up androgyny with being non-binary. My relatives have looked at me cutting my hair short and wearing less 'feminine' clothes as an indication that I want to change my gender and it really isn't about that for me, at all--it's just the way I like to express myself, which for me does not coincide with the gender I identify as. Awareness is certainly needed in this area, so thank you both so much for this :) I'm probably going to send this video out to my family now! :p
is it aye
Georgia Hargreaves I totally agree, I'm also having struggles with expressing my gender, and I've been grounded from wearing any of the women's clothing I bought. It far from fun, but this video has inspired me to not put me down. And I hope you are able to express whoever you are!
Omg, same. I think my mom is starting to get it, but it's taken a while and she's still not completely there. The rest of my family is still silently confused while letting me do whatever I want. There's a lot of hilarious conversations that start out with me saying "I want..." "But that's guy stuff." "Yep!" and ending in awkward silences. x'D
I'm not sure if you're saying that you mix up the two concepts or the two words, but androgyny isn't just gender expression. I'm androgynous in expression and identity. Andro+gyn = man+woman. The etymology doesn't prescribe the current meaning but it does correctly suggest that many people still understand the word to describe more than just expression.
nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Androgyny
@@no_peace Yeah, but grammatically it can also be an adjective. You can be an androgynous man, like, for instance, David Bowie, and you can be an androgynous woman, like Pink. In those cases it just describes their looks; and non-binary, on the other hand, is all about gender identity: it doesn't matter how you look
When either one of them talk I get lost in their beauty.
America was never great 😂😂
Ikr
i'm afab, dress very femininely, but am definitely nonbinary. how i dress. is just a style that i like. it's got nothing to do with my gender at all. i identify as agender, because i have just never felt like a man or a woman. cis people know they're cis, because they feel comfortable being labeled as their assigned gender, but trans people don't! at first i thought i was a transguy, because i thought that only the binary existed, but then i realized that i didn't like being identified as a guy either. i was super fucking confused and i was like "maybe i'm gender fluid???" until i came across nonbinary genders, and i finally didn't hate myself as much. you know how it feels when you can tell you're not being your authentic self? how it sucks and makes you feel like shit? well imagine that with such a personal identity like gender. even when i didn't know my gender, it sucked because i somehow just knew it wasn't right. now i feel much better.
same
i have short hair but just because i dress normally in pastel colours people automatically assume i’m really feminine and even after telling them that i’m non binary they just tell me that i am non binary they’ll still question or make fun of me
But why are you not comfortable with female pronouns?
because people label me as "girl", so it makes me uncomfortable that they could, in their mind, register me completely as a woman if i don't make those corrections.
JellyfishGroupStan exactly, what’s wrong with ppl thinking ur a woman? I mean why should your gender matter? What i am trying to say is, gender should not determine who you are and what you r. Sadly Society do put gender in one box as if you’re a woman you’re that and only that, and instead of fighting those stereotypes and the ideas that people have when they know that person is a woman/man. We choose to build a whole new spectrum to get out of this this isn’t really a solution you’re helping (even if you don’t mean it) with stereotyping or agreeing that being a woman or a man is one thing. that all men (and women) are in one box and there’s no individuality, and that’s just pure wrong. I could be mistaken tho. But i am asking you i want to understand why you are not comfortable with pol thinking you are a woman?
Edit: because there’s a lot of typos and one sentence felt too much
I personally would descibe my own nonbinary-ness with three questions and their answers. "Are you a girl?" no. "Are you a boy?" no. "So what are you?" *shrugs shoulders*
I am the only blind viewer who gets super sad when there’s just music playing and you KNOW there’s text and you’re like well shit
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Oh man, creators really need to be more aware of viewers who are blind or sight impaired.
I’m super late, but fellow blind viewer here. Thought I was the only one too
@@greyfox6664 hey, I’m not the original commenter, but I’m also blind, so maybe I can help. First of all, don’t apologize if you’re just curious. It’s great that you are trying to educate yourself by asking questions, especially since you were so nice about it.
Anyway, each blind person does things differently, so my answer might not be the same for another blind person, so just take that into consideration. So most devices are made to be accessible now a days. I’m not completely blind, so I sometimes use a magnification feature. But most of the time I rely on a feature called voiceover. Voiceover is a feature found on every apple device. Other companies have the same feature, but with different names and ways of use, but they all have the same idea. I only have experience with apple however. So, voiceover is a feature that allows you to entirely use your phone with only sound. So it reads whatever is on the screen for you, and you have to learn a few basic gestures to navigate the device. This allows blind people to be fully independent while using their phone/device.
That’s the basic idea. I don’t know if I’ve explained it properly. Let me know if you want more or better explanation, or if you have other questions
thank you!! my best friend is nonbinary but i am androgynous and people tend to think that this is the same thing, which is not true! it’s great to have someone finally talk about it. thank you thank you thank you!!
I don't know how to explain nonbinary to cis people bc I barely know how to explain it to myself. It's just a feeling. I just know. If a girl gets called a boy, they'll probably have a bad reaction to it - or at least a sense of 'that's not right.' I have that same feeling whether you call me a girl or a boy. Neither one are right. Both are equally uncomfortable.
I think that explains it really well actually.
SAME
same for me to be honest, I feel uncomfortable being called a she but that's -kinda- ok because it's been like that my whole life and my first language is a very gendered one, neutral pronouns don't exist, but I'm also uncomfortable when people mistake me for a boy. As you already said, both are equally uncomfortable.
I get the same, but also the inverse? Both are uncomfortable, but also, both are comfortable? It's kinda like that old story with the blind men and the elephant, each was partly right, and each was partly wrong.
"I don't know how to explain"
*Explains brilliantly*
You underestimate yourself :)
You can have a very strong sense of your own gender and simultaneously have no idea to describe how gender feels.
Yes. I have often thought about this. I spent a good year considering this issue before concluding I was a woman. However, given we all have both "masculine" and "feminine" attributes, what the heck *is* gender? I seriously don't know.
@@JackiePatti Oh yes--I felt once that I was giving birth-and realised that I was a man-it made me very confused
Q: “How do you know your non binary?“ my answer: how do you know your left/right handed? Also, are you aware that there are people who are both and how do you know that you are NOT one of them?
I didn’t know if I was left or right handed as a kid either. My grama just out the pencil in my right hand and went “write with this one”. And same with my gender identity. I have no idea because all my life it’s been “she, her, daughter, grand daughter, etc.” and then mix in a VERY religious household and school. I got spat out into adult hood not knowing ANYTHING about myself other than what I was “supposed to be/told”! 🥵
I’m literally Non Binary and ambidextrous
Look in between your legs.& be whoever you want. That simple .
THIS! This is such an amazing way to explain it. I just AM non binary. I always didn't feel (at least fully, my gender is weird lol) like a girl. But completely boy didn't feel right either.
To cis people i would explain it as being uncomfortable in a shirt that is too tight too constricting (woman/female [ i.e my agab]) and not fitting into a shirt that is too big (man/male ['opposite' of my agab]). Being non-binary for me is a shirt that fits right.
this way it connects it to feelings that cis people have and can comprehend
Heterosexual*
darththespian THATS WHAT I DO, TOO!
This is a very apt description! I myself am non binary, and I can definitely relate to this analogy! Another way I like to describe it as is a weight on my chest. I feel that my options are too limited for my expression and identity, and that I’m feeling crushed under social expectations. Hoping that soon I can come out to my fam 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
We're not getting it because we grew up in a black-and-white world and now you're telling us there's all these other colors! What is this blue you speak of? How exactly is it not just a different shade of grey?
'She, her, daddy' honestly me I love that I need a shirt that says that because no one knows my pronouns and it's so funny I love that
As a nonbinary person, I experience dysphoria but I think it’s very different from what binary trans people experience. For me, I would love to have no genitals at all and just be smooth like a Ken doll, which sounds ridiculous and isn’t even possible. But I’ve always felt this way. I don’t necessarily want a penis but I have extreme dysphoria about the genitals I have. I also have social dysphoria when I am seen/perceived as a woman because I’ve never felt like a woman and even on an exterior level I don’t see myself the way other people see me. I look at my body and see a nonbinary body. I happen to dress androgynously because that is what makes me the most comfortable, but it doesn’t have much to do with my gender identity. I personally love men’s fashion but I also always trying to appear as androgynous as possible to the average joe in the hopes that they won’t misgender me. It never works, but regardless it makes me feel more comfortable in regards to my social dysphoria. I don’t know if that made sense, but that’s the best way I could describe it.
3 seconds into the video "HOLY SHIT IS THAT ARI" I love how you manage to collaborate with every queer TH-camr I follow at some point. Lmao
Androgynous fashion is a huge part of my style and how I like to express myself, and sometimes I'll be wearing a super revealing crop top with a miniskirt and other times I just want to wear super "manly" clothes. It has nothing to do with my gender identity, it's just how I like to dress.
That's an interesting video ! I'm personally a "tomboy" (I don't really see this word as an insult), meaning that I, a cisgender woman, like to have short hair, not wear make-up and wear boys clothes. But I also like feminine clothing, having make-up on and I wear high heels a lot - sometimes I'll be wearing a full boyish outfit but rocking some beautiful women's shoes. And I have absolutely no problem with that, I am a woman and those are just clothes. I feel more comfortable in some clothes, I feel prettier in others, and it's not always masculine for the first and feminine for the second !
It's just that a lot of teenagers (or young adults I guess, but when it comes to misunderstanding a LGBT+ issue, teens are pros) mistake me for non-binary, and even try to convince me that i'm non-binary and just haven't realised it yet. I have this one friend to whom I have explained many times that I am a woman and nothing else, but they keep on giving me masculine (because in french there is no neutral, masculine plays as some kind of neutral) pronouns etc. I have stopped saying anything because to be honest, I don't really care, someone thinking I identify as male or non-binary won't hurt me, but I just think it's a shame that some people - as he is not the only one - don't understand such an easy thing as "I don't care" (and it's not just cis people - the friend I mentioned is trans !)
It's a shame because it even had me question my own identity when it could have been so easy for me to be comfortable with my gender my whole life. I'm a woman, and that's about it. It's just a fact with which I am not uncomfortable, but I am not "proud" of.
Jadzia I have LGBT community friends who think I'm bi in a closet because I'm a tomboy that feels sexually about men and am also quite emotional about my female friends. (I'm probably hsp if that's a thing) I've told them I'm straight many times but this one friend keeps suggesting I haven't figured it out and my opinion might change. I'm tired of it, I want the wife life with kids and my man buyng me flowers on our anniversary. That's super traditional and one could say I'm conditioned to want it, but please. I wear flanel shirts, hiking shoes, no makeup, no bra and a men's leather jacket, and I currently go to art school, and when it comes to religion, I think God would accept me for whoever I might be, because if he is there, he is allmighty-wise. I don't have anything against being with a woman, beside not wanting to do sexual things with them. I'm a sensitive person, I can tell if I'm sexually attracted to someone...
I'm a tomboy too. A few months ago I cut my hair short. I sometimes like to wear "girly clothes" but sometimes I wear clothes that look more like "boy clothes". It annoys me when I go out and people use masculine pronouns because they see short hair and think 'They have short hair so they must be a boy'. That happens even if I'm wearing "girly clothes'.
Keep being you. You know who you are, Not others.
Jadzia Stop calling people “cis”.
Uh oh, I’ve labeled myself as a Tom boy ever since I was small because I thought it meant “well I only like wearing guy clothes and never like girly things” not “I like both” 😱
I think to be nonbinary is to know that your identity is more complex than the dichotomy of male vs. female can encompass. For me, the human experience is immensely nuanced, and it would be selling it short to say it can only be one thing or the other.
Miranda Loughry Males and females can live, wear, think, be how they like. There is no restriction in western culture. No one needs a special otherly label.
Ahh, it makes me so happy every time agender is acknowledged by people (I'm agender)! Also, this video makes me incredibly happy overall. Ari seems awesome, Ash, thanks for introducing her to us!
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I'm still pretty in the closet, so I haven't had many opportunities to explain being nonbinary to cis people yet, but -- one of the biggest things for me is being asked to choose an identifier, like, if I'm looking at a form that asks me to give myself a title, "Ms." or "Mrs." or "Mr." etc. And I'm sitting there thinking, none of this is me. None of these things describe me. They're all wrong. I literally don't know what to pick.
So I think I might describe it like that -- if you're a cis guy, and you're given a form where the only options are "Miss," "Ms.," or "Mrs.", and you try to say that none of those titles describe you, and you're told that of course they do, those are the only options, you have to choose one. And in the end you have to pick one or you can't get whatever important thing this form is for, like, but it feels icky and anxious and wrong, like the sort of queasy feeling you get in your stomach when you're lying.
Sometimes being nonbinary feels like proof by omission. You know what you are because you know what you're not. I know I'm not a man. I know I'm not a woman. So I have to find a space for myself somewhere in the middle.
Rhys Whittemore how do you suppose doctors and people with a PhD feel when the option Dr is missing. We’re oppressed.
try Mx. thats what I use!!
Angel Rose You are not a doctor.
@@xbduf4gb they asked for a nonbinary placeholder for mr/mrs and i responded.
Angel Rose I expanded the conversation to other groups who are not represented
being nonbinary is like picking between vanilla and chocolate ice cream when the strawberry is your favorite. and clothes are like toppings, it doesn't matter what toppings you get it doesn't change the flavor of your ice cream
nonbinary is so broad. There are a plethora of different gender identities outside the notion of "man" and "woman". Androgyny really is just presentation but to an extent what's defined as androgynous depends on how society genders elements of expression. Dresses may be viewed as feminine now but young boys used to wear them all the time not that long ago. High heels and eyeliner weren't originally considered feminine either. Notions of gender and related concepts are ultimately social constructs, so their meaning is fluid and subject to change over time as we come to view them differently.
taiga738 "There are a plethora of gender identities outside of the 'man' and 'woman'"
I think there are so many inside of 'man' and 'woman' too. This community doesn't tend to talk about it, because it's not about cis people, and maybe trans binary people can rationalize it with their hormones that they know they have? But I am confident that I am cis, but I don't think I have exactly the same gender identity as every woman, and I don't feel the same amount of femininity or masculinity every day. Because of this I present myself more masculine or androgynous other days and feminine other days. But even on masculine days, under more masculine clothes, I feel like myself, and identify as a woman. If dysphoria means that you feel "that doesn't look like me", then it depends on the day for me which clothes I would feel dysphoric to wear. So I wear what feels comfortable that day. I call myself a tomboy sometimes. When I look at a group of women, I think "they are the same gender as me" but I also think "They are not the same world as me". Because I've rarely felt like I belong, in a group of women. Same with men, same with non-binary people. I'm most confident in a mixed group where everyone's gender is ignored.
@@raapyna8544
You are a unique woman who understands herself and all of who she is and wont change to make people comfortable. Be proud of that.
Ari is SO COOL! wow!
As a cis person, at this point I feel like I have a pretty good understanding and can sympathize well with nonbinary people, but the reason for that is that I've spent the last few years listening to the accounts and stories of people like you, on channels like this one. I think the very best thing we can all do is just to continue to raise up and highlight nonbinary voices, and listen to these individual experiences so that our perspectives can expand.
Of course that's not to say "Oh, I know exactly what nb people are going through" because of course I don't! But at this point it's not so challenging for me to imagine as it was in years past, because content like this has helped me expand my understanding and my vocabulary and made it much, much less foreign seeming. c:
Chris Huckaby You’re not “cis” . Yr just male or female.
This is so important!
Like me for example, I'm a cis butch lesbian and on occasion I get mistaken for being trans; like people will address me as "him" or will open the men's bathroom door for me at public places and I'm just like, "I'm not trans, guys, I'm just androgynous". It doesn't really bother me, per se, but it is a little weird since we need to educate ourselves/each other and learn the difference. Ask for people's pronouns if you're not sure about their gender identity, that's better than just assuming.
But thanks for making this video, Ash, it's so important!
You're videos always help me understand more and more about the LGBTQIA+ community! Thank you!
*your wow I can't even make a nice comment without ruining everything
Being nonbinary is like being a spork, in which a spork is both a spoon and a fork but also neither! Nonbinary is like being a man and a woman at the same time but also neither! Thanks Ash, love your content ❤️
Becky Leahy Can I use this? This is a wonderful comparison I think. :)
Suzie of course you can, if it helps more people understand then im all for it :)
I very much like this explanation! I've always had a hard time finding the words to describe what I feel I am, but this works so well! Thank you!
Oushiro17 im glad this helps ☺️
I love sporks!
When gender expression, gender, and sex seem causally connected for the entirety of someone's life, it can be hard to understand the broad world of gender identity. Especially because there is a pretty strong correlation between the three.
"i love being a woman, my womanhood is important to me"
WELL THEN
i cannot relate to that! i never related! never liked thinking of myself as a woman!!
holy heck that just validates my enby identity so much, bless you for this video. ;v;
Mags I don’t relate to womanhood either but it does make me “non-binary”. There are lots of ways of doing female.
First off, awesome video!
Second, amazing music choice!
Lastly. NB. I feel I have an easier time explaining because I am intersex, usually I have to explain that as well, but whatevs. I literally am non-binary. I do not fall within either social construct. I have XY chromosomes, but am phenotypically female. My breasts only developed so much because after surgery I had to start taking estrogen.
So non-binary is anyone who does not fall within male or female. Because here's the thing. Gender is not parts, it's not chromosomes, because if that was the case, I would be both and neither. Gender is who you are. So to say you *have* to be this or that is crap. For someone to choose your gender makes no sense, how do they know you at birth better than you know yourself?
So yeah. ✌️💜
I thought gender is technically the parts oneself has? I'm not trying to be rude. I don't want to force people to be someone they don't want to be. I'm curious as to that point you made about gender. I thought there is male or female and then non-binary. A lot of this confuses me even when I research it sorry aha
Okay. Thank you so much! I'll definitely look into it further.
3milyMerritt its much easier to understand if you seperate the term woman from female.
Female is a sex just as male is. Where as a women is how you feel intrinsically and how you want to be perceived.
For example a preT transman is female but also a man. :)
Emm Rouse thank you so much. This helped a lot!
Scarlett Duty , society doesn’t say a penis is male and a vagina is female. Biology does. In any case the female equivalent part is the clitoris.
A video with Ari Fitz AND Ash Hardell???
Best. Thing. Ever. 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
Omg this helped me so much. I've recently realized that i love dressing in a masculine way but i didn't want to give up my femininity. Knowing that i can be a female and dress androgynously means the world to me! 💜💜 Thank you lovlies!!
Ja'el Brodie and this didn’t occur to you before that you can wear any clothes you like?
Also thank you both so much for this video! I've already been thinking ALOT lately about how I definitely feel 100% woman but love dressing masc or femme depending on my mood and it makes me so happy knowing that this is a thing, you know? Like I can be cisgender and shop in the "men's" section. It's wonderful!
BellaLaree no such thing as “cis”. Women have been shopping i the men’s section for eons. Welcome to normality.
When Ari started talking about how she has always loved her womanhood, I thought that was so cool. But my whole life I have always felt disconnected from my womanhood(I'm afab) I also don't feel connected to men, if that makes sense, I've never felt like I belong in a woman's body or a man's body. My chest and hips cause dysphoria for me, my height(I'm super short) causes dysphoria for me, my hair used to cause me dysphoria because it was always so long(like to my hips). I dread waking up in the morning and being called by my birth name and by she/her because it's this link to femininity that I absolutely despise for myself because it's not who I am. I hope this made some level of sense to anyone but myself.
ive been struggling with my gender for a few years. I tried coming out when I was 18 but got a lot of hate from family and most of my friends. So I took it back and told everyone I was joking. Now that I'm older I really want to live my true identity but, i'm scared to go at it alone as I still have no support system.
Thank you for coming to my ted talk...
but wait IS THAT A CHEEK PIERCING? AM I SEEING THINGS?
THATS WHAT I THOUGHT
Lol exactly what I said when I pressed play. WTH did I miss!?
THATS WHAT I THOUGHT
ASH EXPLAIN
mimi ღ Let’s hope it’s not a pimple that they actually wish you hadn’t noticed lol
thank you so much for making videos like this. i believe majority of the people who do not respect, accept, and/ or use my correct pronouns do it because of lack of knowledge they have on non binary.
Also, people are a lot more aggressive online than they are in real life. People can be transphobic irl, obviously, but people are less often as vocal in person than they are online.
Once you hear people actually talk about things in person, you realize that they're more often than not just misinformed rather than hateful.
Rian Lewis i have a “friend,” that constantly uses she/her/last/woman when talking to me and constantly invalidates me in front of people especially in public and i really wish i could avoid her but she hangs out with a lot of my friends
yoinks, that's gross. have you called her out on it?
Sarah Hall maybe u could get help from ur friends. If the use the correct pronouns and support u u could ask them to correct her in situations like that!?
This isn’t really related, but Ash, I thought you might want to know there there’s a kick-ass gay couple in Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency S2 (awesome show you should totally watch) and it’s blended it completely seamlessly without anything made of it. Really awesome to know that some people are starting to get it
Omg ash I needed this vid. I had no clue if I was non binary or just like to dress in guy clothing. Thank you so much🧐🧐🧐
Ash making others start their video as her "thing" is a real power move and if I ever do "vlog" / "youtube-y" style videos and "collabs" I totally want to steal that gimmick lmao.
This analogy is probably more relatable for geeks, but this is how I would explain cis, trans, nb, etc. based on my personal understanding:
Cisgender men are like PCs running Windows. Cis women are like Macs running Mac OS.
Transgender men are like Macs running Windows. Trans women are like PCs running Mac OS.
(Binary) genderfluid is something like dual-booting to either Windows or Mac OS using Bootcamp, while (binary) bigender is probably more like Parallels (you can access both OSes at the same time).
Non-binary would be like Android, Chrome, iOS, Linux, etc.
I object. I am not a Mac. I've never even TOUCHED a Mac.
Also, you completely forgot the Amiga people.
Kristen K Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
How I would personally, and have described my personal nonbinary-ness to people is that I fall somewhere in between the spectrum of male and female, that identify with many different traits of both genders, but also that it is also something entirely on its own. And most of the people have understood that about me.
Willow Wynters There is no spectrum between male and female. Scientifically you can’t have a spectrum (continuous) at the same time as male and female (categories). Everyone has different traits of male and female, or of masculinity and femininity, it is quite normal. You are normal male or female with different traits of both, like the rest of us.
This video is so important!!!
I hear people saying 'why do you need a new gender identity just because you like wearing masculine/feminine clothes' all the time.
Because that's what they see and have probably experienced, being tomboys and being androgynous/knowing people who are, and they think non binary people feel the same way!
I myself am an androgynous female and that made me confused about non binary identity for a while, because I thought they just feel like I do. Sometimes feminine, sometimes masculine, but still a woman through and through, just like Ari described it.
But those are two completely different things and you two explained it SO very well! x
To me being a Nonbinary/ Gender Nonconforming A.F.A.B person, I can look in the mirror and just see me, and not see myself as a girl or a boy. And I can just wear what I like and not have to think about gender or what people will think when they see me, I can just kinda be like “well here I am, just being me, wearing what I want”. And even though I do like looking Androgynous, I also like wearing dresses, and wearing lipgloss, and painting my nails, but I also like wearing button-ups, and boxer briefs, and binding my chest. And that feeling of freedom is really nice. Anyway that’s what I have to say about being Nonbinary, I hope this was helpful to someone. And Ash, of your reading this, I absolutely love your videos, and watching them gives me confidence to keep being me, and not let people get me down. I love you, and i hope you keep doing what makes you happy 😊❤️
Owl 2004 Just like all the other males and females who make up 99.99% of the population who dress how they like and present how they like. Wake up. This is normal. You don’t need a meaningless label to dress how you like. YOU ARE NOT ANOTHER GENDER.
This topic needs to be talked about more
I would describe it as having to choose between liking cats and dogs. Some people like cats, some like dogs. Some like both and some like neither, while some opinions change or are a mix between them.
Alex Or Whatever but being nonbinary isn't about who or what you like it's who ARE. What you're describing is sexuality/orientation
Oh, okay. I see what you mean by that.
It's interesting to watch this now that Arrows identifies differently. It would be cool to do the interview again and chat about how our understanding of our identites can shift with time.
As an older cis gay man who's been out in the LGBTQ communities since I was a teen I think that some of people's confusion or "resistance" comes from the fact that in different cultures, times, places these concepts are not consistent. For many people learning new things is difficult. When I was young in the 70s in NYC I had friends who encompassed all of these concepts but the language was different, and sometimes the identities were different and more limited too. I hear a lot of older gay men say that now "things are so complicated". If it seems confusing or difficult to learn some choose to just dismiss it all (cue identity of the term "cis privilege") and harken back to the concepts of their youth. I'm not saying that this is a good approach, just a reality! Thanks for taking the time to spell out something that makes a lot of sense and doesn't seem all that complicated to me!
My parents: Oh, maybe now she tells us she‘s gay.
Me: „I‘m nonbinary.“
My parents: O . 0 ? ? ?
When I first started watching your videos, I really struggled to understand being non-binary but I didn't want to dismiss an idea or experience just because I didn't understand it. So I kept watching and watching and came to understand more and more but also came to realise the complex nature of my own gender! I can't help but think of you as a patient, kind friend who's put up with me not understanding and struggling and I really want to say thank you, even though we've never met, and that I really hope you are able to find the surgeries/expressions etc. that validate who you are
Once I was at a shoe store and I wanted this one pair of "mens" shoes and the lady said I was supposed to pick in the women's. I don't like that store. Life sucks sometimes.
MMMae 04 Then buy the shoes that you want. Don’t be pushed around by a 12 year old shop assistant. Jeez. Is this more proof that “NB” is just fashion? I think so.
I love your discussions. I think the reason people want to put it all in one box (speaking as just my opinion as a pretty vanilla female) that for someone that identifies as a normal gender type, it is hard to understand what goes on with how it feels to not be that. I think this goes with many other things in society that are not "normal". Trying to understand what someone else is going through when you yourself have no idea it is hard to wrap your brain around what is unfamiliar to you. I watch this channel quite often because I am a very open minded person that believes that all people are perfect exactly the way they are no matter how different they are from me. I love that you guys are bringing more and more of an awareness to this and trying to help people understand. Keep posting and being the awesome person that is you!
thank you for this!!! im nonbinary and sometimes i present very femme, sometimes im androgynous, sometimes i present more masculine. but no matter what i decide to wear my identity is the same and im still uncomfortable with the binary etc.
Audrey Wilson You are normal. We all fluctuate between different degrees of masculinity, femininity and neutral. You are normal like the rest of us.
Lovely vid, Ash! Keep it up with the good video quality and content! Hugs:)
Being NB for me is not having those standards of female or male. Despite us saying there is none, many people will set standards unknowingly or subconsciously. Being nonbinary is something that relieves my anxiety towards what some may think, because what standards can they set if they have no idea what I am! Being nonbinary makes me comfortable in my skin, and some days I wake up wishing my breasts were no longer existing, but being male isn't for me just as female isn't. For me I like being able to just not have to fall into the standard or idea that girls are one way and guys are another. It's so hard for me to explain the relief that comes when I hear they or them as apposed to she or he because at the end of the day what's in my pants shouldn't be the first concern. Rather than breaking the standard I want to erase it all together. That's a horribly explanation on how I feel being nonbinary is for me.
I agree about that people conflate them because they are uncomfortable with “differences” and find it difficult to understand, so they push it aside and try not to deal with this.
This is great I love these types of videos!
yeah! I'm an androgyne so I am nonbinary, because that's my gender, but even androgynes don't have to have an androgynous gender expression 24/7
kaihugstrees YEA IKR
I'm nonbinary and androgynous
Thank you so much for this. I'm non-binary and trans, and I was recently told by a binary trans person that if I wear makeup and feminine clothing as an afab person, "..it's like, come on..." The trivialization of my experience has brought up feelings of pressure to take T and get top surgery - when the decision should be mine entirely. I'm finally coming to realize that I'm feeling pressure and advice from people who literally have no idea what it's like to be non-binary, and are only the experts of their own unique experiences. I am trans enough.
When I DO feel good/aligned/sexy etc. presenting femme, I have feelings of guilt come up, like I can only be loud, proud and trans when I present more androgynous, and that I need to hide this part of myself from other trans people to be accepted/validated. Being non-binary in a cis society can be a vulnerable space to exist in, and I'm working through these feelings. This video means a lot to me, and I am so appreciative to have the kind of representation you are sharing here, Ash.
This seems familiar to me, as a bi woman who has often felt excluded from lesbian groups for not being gay enough, even when my partner at the time was a woman.
Just do you and to hell with them.
I can believe how much with the woman being interviewed.
I too am a female androgynous cis woman. I very much embrace my womenness. Back in the mid 80s, early 90s being androgynous was accepted.
It is about gender ambiguity. David Bowie, Annie Lennox, Matilda Swinton and especially Marlene Dietrich were whom I identified with.
I am not fluid or nonbinary. I am a woman who likes to display just enough masculine traits but enough feminine traits that you're not sure exactly what I am.
For high school grad, 1988 , I wore black pleated tailored pants in a raised black paisley embroidered design, with a white sleeveless tank top style blouse that had a cuff neckline. Around my waist I wore this awesome black sequined belt that had an fancy elastic front clasp except I wore it with the clasp at the back. It made the perfect cummerbund. And I wore a black satin bowtie.
My favorite cologne was Jazz (mens cologne that kind of like headey female cologne with a bit male accents. I had black hair asymmetrical short with long chin length top. I worn dark heavy eyeliner and shadow, palest white complexion, strong dark plum blush to sculpture my high cheekbones and a lipstick called Redist Red. Even the teachers and principal eyes widened when I entered the venue. I had some many guys staring at me and trying to talk me up, a lot of girls were pissed off. I was a teen, I wasn't trying to piss of the girls, I just thought it was the perfect grad "dress" for me. Oh and black 3" patent leather pumps.
I told this to my 16 yr old son, and he said coo,l you were way ahead of your time, You probably looked like a anime teen boy. Lol we both laughed. Must people back then knew what anime was...
Androgynous is all about mystery and ambiguity.
"She, her and daddy" 😂😂😂😂😂❤🏳️🌈- Thas a mood.
I NEEDED THIS SO BAD THANK YOU
I've always identified as a cis woman but I love men's clothes/gender neutral clothes and presenting with a non-feminine gender expression. I never thought of using the word androgynous to describe myself before now. Thank you for this!
20 years ago, I thought people would care less about labels in the future. But this generation has taken labelling to a whole new level.
Yes, they've gone way over the top.
my issue with this video is that BOTH OF YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS
It's so weird to me to hear cis people confidently love their gender. Wow, I for sure must be trans 😁 thank you Ash 🙋🎄
la la s a m e t h o u g h
Do not call them “cis people” . That is your label. 99.999% of the population do not want to be labelled with your gender obsession.
@@xbduf4gb Get a life. You seem to have a thing for seeking out trans people’s videos and replying to every comment you can find with the same three copy-pasted responses.
@@user-mx2ky5ui8eThere are no rules
Her answers were so impressive. Thanks for having this guest on your channel! I'd like to see more content like this
Thank you!!! You two have made my life. I've been actively questioning my gender (my egg cracked during covid when I joined tiktok) and you've finally helped me untangle the knots. I am trans ftm, androgynous in presentation. 💗 My journey begins!
Radio Silence is an great book that has an agender character in it and I was surprised because nonbinary people don't get a ton of representation and I loved seeing that
As a cis girl, I always imagine being non-binary as feeling the most “yourself” in the deepest part of your mind. For me, if I space out and am alone with my thoughts, societal gender disappears, and I’m just a person.
Though I’m still a girl, I imagine being non-binary as feeling like the deep part of my mind comes to the front of a nb person’s mind, where it’s just tiring to think of oneself as male or female.
Am I right at all? Please let me know! I’m really trying to understand haha! ❤️
Angie -dono Yeah I see this. If people don't remind me I have a sex I will forget all day. I just think of myself as me not as a girl or a boy or female or male. I sometimes get confused when people are really insistent with calling me a certain gender because it just makes no sense to me.
Angie -dono this is what being agender is like for me. I’m not a boy or a girl, i just am.
Angie Dauber There’s no difference between you and a female calling herself non-binary, except the latter needs a label for some reason. PS you are not “cis” you are just female.
Miles Cur Just like all the other males and females who just are.
I love this chat so much because I so identify with Ari, androgynous but totally woman. And also I wanna be more in touch with Ash and folks who identify like they do! I love the crossover and I like that it’s noted that androgyny can be more about self expression and non-bi is more about self identity. Love it! Love y’all!
Three years ago I watched this as an ally to non binary people. Now I`m watching this as I`m seriously questioning my gender and started to lean into calling myself demigirl + agender. I really miss you Ash, but I`m following you on instagram and I know you`re safe and doing great, and honestly that`s all I care about. Take as much time off youtube as you want, don`t even come back to youtube if you don`t want to, but I`d honestly love if you did. Regardless, I`ll keep supporting you and keep you close to my heart. Much love to you and Gray!
I'm questioning.. i am assigned female and have occasionally felt uncomfortable about things like wearing dresses and the appearance of my chest ..but i wouldn't say i feel dyphoric? Sometimes i wonder if i am non binary but then i think i do feel most comfortable with she/her pronouns. Also i recently got diagnosed with poly cystic ovaries and the idea of having to take hormones to balance my testosterone makes me feel kinda angry ... i don't want to feel like my hair growth or anything is "wrong" for my gender? And i came off the pill as i didn't like how it was distributing my body fat... expression and identity is confusing ://
You could also be a tomboy if you like she/her. For ex, Being a woman is just apart of me and I'm kind of neutral about it. Gender doesn't have to be all of what makes you, you. You are your personality and thoughts. Yes there are female stereotypes that you want to disassociate from. But it doesn't mean you need to change your gender completly. Truthfully there is many different shades of what a woman can be. Just a little food for thought non-binary folks?
Lee Cox You are not assigned female. You ARE female.
Uh, that's because society's standards are much more rigid on women :( We need to fight those stereotypes so young girls and every woman can feel comfortable in their bodies ♡
Lol seeing this two years later can confirm actually it was dysphoria and I'm trans! we love a glow up 😩
@@leecox2651 I equally stan!!! Kudos to you figuring out your identity ♡♡♡
Would love to see you revisit this subject with them now that they have come out as nonbinary.
i was thinking the same, this video is so interesting in retrospect now that he's come out
I just love scrolling through the comments. Because I could see all the people blatantly ignoring the dislike button on other people's comments and it restores my faith in humanity. 😍😍😍😍😍 Also, great video! I really needed this. I'm just a newbie androgynous. Thank you!
I love how Ash explains things, but Ari killed it in this video. so clear and easy to understand a really complex subject.
I swear, about five minutes before I watched this video I thought "Hmm, I'm going to put a non-binary person in my story I'm working on, they need more representation in media." Then I saw this and was kinda like that's exactly what I was saying pretty much. (I feel like I could have worded that better, but you get the drift.) Also, on the Netflix series One Day At A Time, we have a non-binary character. I thought that was pretty cool when I saw that.
oh my goodness, ari's mug tho
RIGHT!?
I’m a cis-female, bisexual who loves dressing androgynously. This video has helped me not only feel comfortable in my own skin, but help me gain the vocabulary to educate my peers (who are kind enough to ask if I am trans/nb) about my feelings without taking away validity from those who are trans/nb. Thanks, Ash. ❤️ Thanks, Ari. ❤️
I reaaally really liked that video. Sometimes it's hard to navigate and figure out who you are, especially when presentation vs identity comes into play - so this was very helpful.
around 5:48 Ari and Ash start talking about nb representation in media and how it would be cool to have, for example, a person on Stranger Things who uses they/them pronouns. good news! One Day At A Time (a show on Netflix) just introduced a character in their second season named Syd who uses they/them pronouns! I watch a whole lot of stuff and this is the first instance I've seen of a character who, in Ari's words "doesn't subscribe to the binary" and I think Syd could be the beginning of something great!
if there are any other good examples of nb or any other underrepresented identity in media please comment, I'd love more things to check out!
Androginy = how you present yourself only. - Nonbinary = how you feel and think inside too. Both: Not binary men or woman.
Congrat to Ari and every woman like this. Women loves women = it´s IMHO the best.
But everyone have their own choices, what they like best.
It´s ok, if a woman don´t want to be "girlie" and finds her own way, how to be.
While watching the beginning, (and really during the past few days) i've been asking myself, "do i really like being a woman?? or is it just a lie i've been forcing down my own throat??" i genuinely can't tell anymore.
It's been said a million times before, but your editing and graphic skills are dope. I really like your style and I appreciate how much work you put in every single video. Not that your content wasn't great as well, but damn, you know how to make it look nice and unique!