The tragic thing is to be at first validated, accepted and loved by the avoidant, then suddenly be deprived of everything and ask yourself if that validation was real at all, or what you did wrong, what happened in the avoidant mind to change their behaviour. Drives you crazy.
Sorry, but the most important thing in these types of relationships that the person--either or both of the persons--have a strong desire to change. If a person does not want to change, either or both, there is no relationship.
Due to the trauma , A DA will always sabotage relationship, their ïnner demon" always taught them to dismiss and avoid people. Thats is why the problem also on both sides, for DA they need to heal that trauma before going any further, so does the anxious need to heal also.
To be vulnerable is a superpower! You are strong enough to show your true self, your feelings. Yes, the possibility to get more hurt is there, but to be able to allow it is more about strength, than to run away or hide for them. Respecting boundaries should work both ways in a good and healthy relationship.
I know that he is extremely scared of being vulnerable.. I am scared of a relationship as well, I even suggested that we hangout as friends and take it slow.. He said that He knew that I check all of his boxes but he can’t be with anyone.. I am not anxious, I gave him all of the space he needed , because I am an introvert.. But I also missed him and wanted to be with him.. his inconsistency made me feel as if I didn’t matter.
TOTALLY AGREE with you Alexis, Problem with a DA with their self esteem and self belief is when somebody with Anxious type seeking support and they will get nothing from them. The more they (anxious) looking for help and support the more DA will pull away. That is why DA need therapy and for the anxious type need to Work more to be more secure. Both parties need LOT OF WORK!
Even a secure person feels rejected by a DA in a long term relationship. Because you are in a relationship to be apart of each other's lives, that does not make one anxious
I will add to what you are saying. It is known that a DA can make a secure person anxious. It is definitely not uncommon. My ex DA wanted me to take the test for attachment and I think I was FA. He asked if I knew what he was and I guessed Secure bc it’s what I felt from him, but he never wanted to tell me what he was and that was unfair. After the breakup I found out he is DA.
Yeah well, he left me 40 days ago, no contact since then (I went no contact too right away) - I suddenly realized watching these videos and working hard on self improvement that I was still hoping for him to realize his mistake. Well now I’m thinking of filing for a divorce (it is a fault by law to leave the house of your spouse) would helps me regain my self esteem and MOVE ON ! Not desperately waiting for him to make a move like I did for 16 years of relationship
Ive been watching a lot of coaches post breakup for the past 2 months and honestly you’re the only one that has helped me understand my ex so far. You’re brilliant man, thank you.
DA's are also covert narcissists. They don't come back but would always keep you around. It is tough to survive with/without them. The only revenge is to stay strong. And show that you've moved on in terms of your social media. If they reach out for normal communication, just reply back. Nothing more to do.
I hate to say this but I think you're right. That's exactly what happened when I have dated DAs who broke up with me. They lurk on my social media to see what I'm doing, sometimes for YEARS but never contact me again... if I contact them they might date (or use...) me again, but inevitably ofcourse toss me away again even more Heartbroken than before:(
How is someone taught to be less clingy? This is subjective. Someone may enjoy sending texts to their partner in the day or/and call them on the phone a few times to hear their voice and share loving words, before they see them at night for example, after work, because they are so in love and it is going to make their day so brighter! Who is to say, this may be clingy or not ? Clingy is a term that avoidants discovered. Find someone who has worked or working with themselves and enjoys to express their love for you in the "same language", so that you feel appreciated and accepted for who you are and the love you have in your heart to share...
Clingy means u need more validation from outside yourself. Normal people dislike clingy person, A DA will feel clingy as trap and they feel suffocated. Thats why clingy people need to work on their self to be more independent and secure. Its A MUST.
I love this comment. Word "Clingy" was made by avoidants lol. It is so true. No one else called me clingy /needy, only avoidant who was being charming and flirtatious with me. It was him seeking my company and when I follow he called me clingy 🙄😒
Is it normal that I'm avoidant towards my family and friends but anxious to my romantic partner? I have the tendency to behave like a person with anxious attachment towards my ex like for eg needing reassurance or fear of being abandoned but when it comes to my family and friends I become self reliant and seemed "strong" in their eyes and never ask for their help
It's possible you are with someone who is more avoidant than you are in general. If you are with someone who is more anxious than you, you'll likely be the avoidant partner. Human nature is to cling on to people who are unattainable.
@jeffreyyeo, if you keep pushing people away from you intentionally it is a normal avoidant, so you need space sometimes. BUT if you keep pushing people subsconsciously thats the danger, i will call it pathological narcissit potential or close to demonic behaviour.
@@jeffreyyeo Appreciate for the honest answer. Its true, demon/evil job is to change your brain structure to be non human brain structure. Latest research about people who have trauma unsolved show the difference in brain structure. The more we accomodate bad ideas, self avoidant, self destruction the more your brain structure will be damaged. (not working properly as Normal Person). This is why how dangerous avoidant or other abnormal spectrum in physcology to society if we dont seek for help and pray. Kinda pandemic for real.
He wants space, but i want him to understand me and my side of things. I think if he understood, he'd have a different perspective. But how can I tell him that at all when he wants weeks of space? I'm caught between worrying if it's over, and trying to respect his boundaries. What should i do?
I had a hard time giving her space in the beginning, i didnt know anything about attachment theory and she kept gaslightng me aout her feelings. hopefully its still repairable with space.
DAs lurk on my social media after breakup to see what I'm doing, sometimes for YEARS but never contact me again... if I contact them they might date (or use...) me again, but inevitably ofcourse toss me away again even more Heartbroken than before:(
These were some really helpful insights! How do we have successful conversations to guide our DA toward counseling and/or seeking out a relationship coach so the relationship can be successful if/when they come back?
You shouldn't talk about therapy for them, but for yourself. Talk about your discovery of attachment theory and what this has enabled you to understand about yourself (and not about them). Tell them that there are different types of attachment, talk about yours and say that there are online quizzes and nothing more. Talking directly to them about this subject will activate their shame/defective insecurities.
@@stilpon5378 Already did therapy myself & we've already discussed both attachment styles. I'm secure. He's a DA & is aware but not yet seeking therapy. There's nothing wrong with having an intimate discussion about things like doing therapy or engaging a relationship coach when you are moving toward forming a lifelong relationship with someone. In fact, if you can't have that kind of discussion, the relationship is destined for problems. I asked this question because other therapists make suggestions for how to talk to DAs specifically about this so the relationship can start with a better foundation. DAs tend to be very sensitive to anything they perceive as criticism so wording and approach can make a big difference. They have beautiful hearts if you can just provide them with a safe space. This particular coach has a style I like more than most and I'm curious what he recommends.
Alexis, I enjoy your videos and I enjoyed the talk I had with you over a year ago. But to say that it’s incorrect to label them as narcissists, is factually incorrect. I would implore you to check up with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a fellow TH-camr. Someone who is a narcissist does -not- have to have NPD in order to be labeled as a narcissist. A person who’s always about me me me, that wouldn’t even piss on you if you self-combusted, a person who will always choose their own well being over even those considered “loved ones”, whether that be a child or a romantic partner… Is. The. Very. Definition… of a narcissist. Period.
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The tragic thing is to be at first validated, accepted and loved by the avoidant, then suddenly be deprived of everything and ask yourself if that validation was real at all, or what you did wrong, what happened in the avoidant mind to change their behaviour. Drives you crazy.
Sorry, but the most important thing in these types of relationships that the person--either or both of the persons--have a strong desire to change. If a person does not want to change, either or both, there is no relationship.
Due to the trauma , A DA will always sabotage relationship, their ïnner demon" always taught them to dismiss and avoid people. Thats is why the problem also on both sides, for DA they need to heal that trauma before going any further, so does the anxious need to heal also.
To be vulnerable is a superpower! You are strong enough to show your true self, your feelings. Yes, the possibility to get more hurt is there, but to be able to allow it is more about strength, than to run away or hide for them.
Respecting boundaries should work both ways in a good and healthy relationship.
I know that he is extremely scared of being vulnerable..
I am scared of a relationship as well, I even suggested that we hangout as friends and take it slow.. He said that He knew that I check all of his boxes but he can’t be with anyone..
I am not anxious, I gave him all of the space he needed , because I am an introvert.. But I also missed him and wanted to be with him.. his inconsistency made me feel as if I didn’t matter.
TOTALLY AGREE with you Alexis, Problem with a DA with their self esteem and self belief is when somebody with Anxious type seeking support and they will get nothing from them. The more they (anxious) looking for help and support the more DA will pull away. That is why DA need therapy and for the anxious type need to Work more to be more secure. Both parties need LOT OF WORK!
DA more so. Because it's against human nature entirely. They're like Schizoids
Even a secure person feels rejected by a DA in a long term relationship. Because you are in a relationship to be apart of each other's lives, that does not make one anxious
I will add to what you are saying. It is known that a DA can make a secure person anxious. It is definitely not uncommon. My ex DA wanted me to take the test for attachment and I think I was FA. He asked if I knew what he was and I guessed Secure bc it’s what I felt from him, but he never wanted to tell me what he was and that was unfair. After the breakup I found out he is DA.
Yeah well, he left me 40 days ago, no contact since then (I went no contact too right away) - I suddenly realized watching these videos and working hard on self improvement that I was still hoping for him to realize his mistake. Well now I’m thinking of filing for a divorce (it is a fault by law to leave the house of your spouse) would helps me regain my self esteem and MOVE ON ! Not desperately waiting for him to make a move like I did for 16 years of relationship
Ive been watching a lot of coaches post breakup for the past 2 months and honestly you’re the only one that has helped me understand my ex so far. You’re brilliant man, thank you.
I totally agree!!!
You are the best coach I have come across to in TH-cam. You explain everything in Details step by step. Thank you so much!
Agree!
DA's are also covert narcissists. They don't come back but would always keep you around. It is tough to survive with/without them. The only revenge is to stay strong. And show that you've moved on in terms of your social media. If they reach out for normal communication, just reply back. Nothing more to do.
I hate to say this but I think you're right. That's exactly what happened when I have dated DAs who broke up with me. They lurk on my social media to see what I'm doing, sometimes for YEARS but never contact me again... if I contact them they might date (or use...) me again, but inevitably ofcourse toss me away again even more Heartbroken than before:(
How is someone taught to be less clingy?
This is subjective.
Someone may enjoy sending texts to their partner in the day or/and call them on the phone a few times to hear their voice and share loving words, before they see them at night for example, after work, because they are so in love and it is going to make their day so brighter!
Who is to say, this may be clingy or not ?
Clingy is a term that avoidants discovered.
Find someone who has worked or working with themselves and enjoys to express their love for you in the "same language", so that you feel appreciated and accepted for who you are and the love you have in your heart to share...
Clingy means u need more validation from outside yourself. Normal people dislike clingy person, A DA will feel clingy as trap and they feel suffocated. Thats why clingy people need to work on their self to be more independent and secure. Its A MUST.
I love this comment. Word "Clingy" was made by avoidants lol. It is so true. No one else called me clingy /needy, only avoidant who was being charming and flirtatious with me. It was him seeking my company and when I follow he called me clingy 🙄😒
@@MPR2007Nope. Clingy means that its you being not self aware avoidant. Avoidants are baby narcs btw.
Congrats for the 10k! You're growing day by day!
Well how about avoidants who need to be with many ppl & fearful/ anxious ones like to be independent? 😮
Same. Neurodivergent with AP/DA overlaid?
Will a avoidant miss you even if they broke up and not reach out?
Thank you for the video Alexis! it would be also interesting to have a video about a FA/DA relationship
Amazing lesson. Thank you !
Is it normal that I'm avoidant towards my family and friends but anxious to my romantic partner?
I have the tendency to behave like a person with anxious attachment towards my ex like for eg needing reassurance or fear of being abandoned but when it comes to my family and friends I become self reliant and seemed "strong" in their eyes and never ask for their help
It's possible you are with someone who is more avoidant than you are in general.
If you are with someone who is more anxious than you, you'll likely be the avoidant partner.
Human nature is to cling on to people who are unattainable.
@jeffreyyeo, if you keep pushing people away from you intentionally it is a normal avoidant, so you need space sometimes. BUT if you keep pushing people subsconsciously thats the danger, i will call it pathological narcissit potential or close to demonic behaviour.
@@MPR2007 yeah always felt something sinister is taking charge of my brain
@@jeffreyyeo Appreciate for the honest answer. Its true, demon/evil job is to change your brain structure to be non human brain structure. Latest research about people who have trauma unsolved show the difference in brain structure.
The more we accomodate bad ideas, self avoidant, self destruction the more your brain structure will be damaged. (not working properly as Normal Person). This is why how dangerous avoidant or other abnormal spectrum in physcology to society if we dont seek for help and pray. Kinda pandemic for real.
I have taken all of my power back, i am so tired after a year. He can put in the work now. Or not..😂
He wants space, but i want him to understand me and my side of things. I think if he understood, he'd have a different perspective. But how can I tell him that at all when he wants weeks of space? I'm caught between worrying if it's over, and trying to respect his boundaries. What should i do?
You leave. You stand up and quit. No explanation nothing. If he doesn't choose you you need to choose yourself. You can't be 2 not choosing you.
Am I missing something??? Cos i dont see any guide on confidence/self esteem in the description box
I had a hard time giving her space in the beginning, i didnt know anything about attachment theory and she kept gaslightng me aout her feelings. hopefully its still repairable with space.
DAs lurk on my social media after breakup to see what I'm doing, sometimes for YEARS but never contact me again... if I contact them they might date (or use...) me again, but inevitably ofcourse toss me away again even more Heartbroken than before:(
Just let them if they don't want to work on themselves. Don't make them break your heart again
These were some really helpful insights! How do we have successful conversations to guide our DA toward counseling and/or seeking out a relationship coach so the relationship can be successful if/when they come back?
Very good question! I wondering the same thing. When I tried to talk and showing my understanding I was neglected and my DA broke up with me.
You shouldn't talk about therapy for them, but for yourself. Talk about your discovery of attachment theory and what this has enabled you to understand about yourself (and not about them). Tell them that there are different types of attachment, talk about yours and say that there are online quizzes and nothing more. Talking directly to them about this subject will activate their shame/defective insecurities.
@@stilpon5378
Already did therapy myself & we've already discussed both attachment styles. I'm secure. He's a DA & is aware but not yet seeking therapy.
There's nothing wrong with having an intimate discussion about things like doing therapy or engaging a relationship coach when you are moving toward forming a lifelong relationship with someone. In fact, if you can't have that kind of discussion, the relationship is destined for problems.
I asked this question because other therapists make suggestions for how to talk to DAs specifically about this so the relationship can start with a better foundation. DAs tend to be very sensitive to anything they perceive as criticism so wording and approach can make a big difference. They have beautiful hearts if you can just provide them with a safe space.
This particular coach has a style I like more than most and I'm curious what he recommends.
@@stilpon5378so true
Alexis, I enjoy your videos and I enjoyed the talk I had with you over a year ago. But to say that it’s incorrect to label them as narcissists, is factually incorrect. I would implore you to check up with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a fellow TH-camr. Someone who is a narcissist does -not- have to have NPD in order to be labeled as a narcissist. A person who’s always about me me me, that wouldn’t even piss on you if you self-combusted, a person who will always choose their own well being over even those considered “loved ones”, whether that be a child or a romantic partner… Is. The. Very. Definition… of a narcissist. Period.
Please move your mic so that you swallowing doesn’t sound like an ASMR video 😩 Otherwise though, great vid 👍🏼
I do not see the confidence guide….
You can hear your swallowing each time you do. The mic needs to be moved.
Is that what you took from the video? Lol
Is it worth it?
I’m sorry. I can’t take your swallowing
sorry about that! need to buy a mic
You are great. I want your content. Don't mind the swallow didn't hear it.