IMO this is above Reddit's paygrade. I suspect she is reacting out of fear and OP is burned out from caring for a newborn AND his wife. Try to get someone to stay with her while you're gone.
Childbirth- especially a traumatic one- needs counseling. I was the same because I was desperately trying to process it. He’s bearing the brunt of this. He needs a break. He also needs counseling.
Had to chime in before I even finished the video: as someone who had a stroke, I think the medical procedure is probably closing a small hole in the heart called a PFO. It is a procedure in which a patch is inserted and anchored in the heart but it doesn't actually require surgery, the device goes through a vein, it is not done under general anesthesia. So, it is kind of exaggerating to say heart surgery for that
Couple's therapy. He's not wrong, but what he needs to say can very easily be worded very, very badly without a mediator. I'm sick a lot and try to limit how much I talk about it for this very reason, but I've been sick most of my life so I'm aware of the resentment that can grow in the loved ones of sick people. Especially if the person was healthy before. Maybe wife can find a support group so as not to completely overwhelm husband. But he can't be mad at her for talking about it when directly asked by people at church and such. Also sounds like the rest of her family is unsupportive, which really sucks and limits who else she can speak to since they just moved.
@darlenerider4146 lol I listened to it in its entirety and politely disagree with dusty, and you ♡ but I think it's important to understand that we have differing perspectives because of our life experiences . So IMO I think he speaks of his wife unfairly and would be mortified if my husband said he didn't like me in this season or minimizes my medical concerns or experiences. It feels like he lacks the proper empathy in this situation and if he tells his wife "I don't want you there " he'd be a brozo and an asscon 3 for should've done that differently...
I absolutely get this. My mother has been in a place where we only converse about her various ailments, procedures, doctors appointments, physical issues, etc. Nothing else comes up or matters. I understand that he needs to experience life outside of that skipping record.
NTA he needs it. She needs it too. But I think it should be somewhere different. Like her go to stay-cation at a spa/health spa. And for him its this reunion. Hope you can go by yourself OP.
He's not the AH, nor is she. She's trying to process a very traumatic birth & aftermath. He is as well as the caretaker. We need to acknowledge the stress that caretaking takes on people. I've been caring for my elderly parents on my own for years. Mom had alzheimer's Dad had a stroke, we had a house fire after Christmas 2022 & lived in a rental for 13 months while I oversaw the rebuild of the house. I also had to leave my job in order to take care of everything full time. Mom passed this July & trying to make time to grieve seems impossible because my Dad needs so much. You will get lost in caring for others & not make yourself a priority because it doesn't seem as important and there just simply doesn't seem to be enough time. They both need time alone with friends to reconnect with themselves & recharge. Therapy would help them communicate what they need in a productive manner.
Wife had some traumatic experiences, nearly died too, and since this is still on her mind of course she is going to talk about it a lot. She basically did go through combat. Maybe the reason she has to talk to people she does not really know about it is because she either thinks those close to her do not care, and/or she thinks those who are asking really want to know? I know a lot of people just like the wife. It could be that she was always like this, but OP ignored it until now. If it really is bugging OP he needs to talk to her about it. Although, just like another commenter said, it may be a good idea to do it during counseling. If OP wants some Me time without her he needs to offer her some Her time without him and the kids.
This is one where I feel like we need both sides of the story cuz if it's only been 12 weeks, yea, no shit she's still in pain, still traumatized. It's a lot for him but it's more than wanting a break for himself, he's starting to resent her for her pain. Go to couples counseling
They both have been through combat. Their world was turned upside down. However, he can’t get his entire cup filled in that one weekend… They both need to seek balance & couples & individual counseling & possibly support groups.
They both need counseling. She needs to process her feelings and people who don't have that experience are NOT capable of giving her what she needs. She needs to work through that trauma. He also needs to work through his trauma and burnout. Being with someone who constantly dwells on one topic can be emotionally draining. Other people might start avoiding her because of it. Speaking from the perspective of having a traumatic hospital stay with my son when he was born and someone who was her about a different trauma event. People did start avoiding me. They couldn't help me process because only a counselor can do that.
yeah.. this is hard.. he needs help, now.. I wonder if he has/can talk to her doctors alone? point this problem out.. good medical care MUST include all parts of the patient AND YES THE PATIENT'S FAMILY. I would have thought the hospital's social workers would be involved? Perhaps he could do something along the lines of what Dusty said.. maybe offering to have her parents/adult siblings stay that weekend when he will be gone during the days.. I wonder if things will get better on the other side of this procedure.
When I saw the title I was ready to say OP was, but after hearing it he's definitely NOT the AH here. He deserves a break from her drama, and she needs to get some therapy. I'm a caregiver for my husband and it's hard.
I had a stroke, you get weird after it for a while. You realize how you can die at any moment. You tell everyone about it because it was a significant event in your life. Your brain was literally traumatized and it causes behavioral issues. She may need therapy too, to deal with residual feelings.
OP needs an outlet, it is tough relocating, beginning a new life while being an involved parent all during a medical crisis. Don't be mistaken, it is tough for his wife because not only is she dealing with those same relocation things she is the stay at home parent and the person who had the life threatening event and as the stay at home mom of very young children finding an outlet is by far tougher for her than hubby who can meet people through work at least. Both need counseling and both need outlets, I truly feel for them both but can sympathize with the wife who, seemingly, only has OP for support and outlet. Both sound lonely, overwhelmed and sinking in a vat of depression. While OP encourages his wife to seek counseling he is neglecting his own serious need for it as well. OP while filling up your own cup don't forget the fact your wifes is near empty too.
A stroke can be not only traumatic but it can also change a person’s behavior and that is extremely difficult to navigate. I agree he needs to express his need for a bit of a break for his own mental health. But they sound like they need some therapy both individually and together. It sounds like he’s just overwhelmed and she may not be able to see it or help in her current state
NTA, I get were he's coming from. Taking on so much in a short amount of time can make you feel lost. He needs to find himself again before things get to a point where he just bows out of everything.
Man... your words hit me hard. Probably harder than they should have, lol. I have not been filling up my cup, for years.. And this unfortunately has left me short tempered and angry. It has not been more apparent then it was last night. I was trying to help my autistic son complete a spelling test but both of us getting frustrated lead to an argument and meltdown. Fact is, I'm burnt out. I just need to start prioritizing myself and making sure that I am meeting my needs before I can fully meet the needs of everyone else. (It's just hard to feel like such a failure even if it is for myself)
OP's wife gave birth 12 weeks ago (not a long time even if the birth and recovery went swimmingly). In that time she has had complications, been in and of hospital for a total of a month *and* had a stroke with potentially lifelong side effects. That is megatons of trauma and you're annoyed she won't stop talking about it?
Perhaps her need to talk it up is in direct proportion to his need to talk it down. These two need some couples counseling and wife might need some counseling just for herself. She did experience a traumatic event.
I kinda get what he's saying. He needs to regroup. We all suffer. Part of maturity is knowing when it is and is not appropriate to vent. It sounds like she's venting at all times. That's not easy.
While I agree I Also think he's between a Rock and A Hard place no matter how it goes. Sounds like his wife is still residual "fight/flight" from it all. Everything always goes back to that trauma for her. And if he goes off to be with his "college buddies" Well everyone always assumes it is to booze it up, party, club ect. He DOES deserve a break though, just a mental reset. Filling of his cup so to say... but idk how he can do it without seeming to be an asshole... because if EVERY conversation always goes to her trauma... this will also be added onto it. ... at least has been the case with people I've known that do similar things. "This horrible stuff happened. Now he is going off alone because he's ashamed of me. He says he isn't but of course he's going to say that ... if he wasn't ashamed of me, he'd let me go too. He gets a break from here, but I can't. I been thru X,Y,Z" ... you get the idea.... Heart surgery, almost dying... trumps "my mental cup is empty" in the Pity Olympics. ... because he's a man... most would tell him to "suck it up and be a man about it." It's not right, but ... sadly happens that cards fall that way. I hope he finds a way to fill his cup. As a stay at home mom... lord my cup is got just a sip in it half the time, and some kid will be saying they're thirsty.... lol. It's never ending Rewarding, and wouldn't change it for anything in the world.... but it's a hard that not many fully grasp ((unless they have worn similar shoes))
OP’s wife just went through a major medical trauma on top of birthing a child. Her entire life has been upended and shaken without warning. It will take her time to work through it. OP needs to be more empathetic and understanding beyond just taking care of things at home. This is far more problematic than the reunion, but sure, go without her. Just be nice about it and stop minimizing her experience. I highly doubt she’s just looking for attention. Most likely she’s needing validation and support as she processes what has happened
I don't think you understand completely. He does have empathy, he doesn't minimize anything she has dealt with and is dealing with, he has a right to want a mental break and not talk about it. He has been taking care of everything, listening to her, being there for her. He has a right to breath without that coming up every moment during the reunion.
@darlenerider4146 he says that but he also says "you'd think she's been through combat" and "I don't LIKE my wife in this season" and minimizes her concerns over the "simple heart proceedure" he needs a break... but she carried the little humans, birthed the little humans, and now cares for the little humans, and she'll keep doing that when he gets a break and all while still trying to deal with her very traumatic birthing experience and Motherhood demands and post stroke mind you...
@@libertytwins6845 Right? Maybe the reason she feels the need to talk about it. So much is because her husband has all the warmth of an Antarctic winter
He is acting like her major health experience was a nothingburger. As someone with a dreadful, invisible disease, this is infuriating and it would be a deal breaker for me.
I'm very happy she's talking about it, honestly, it seems to me she's purging the worst experience of her life. I think they just need couples therapy and time.
Its alot and Op could do with a break.Can you explain that to your wife,get her support for the weekend and giving her the opportunity to do something like this for herself later on?
I’m a little worried about saying this, but I can’t help but wonder what people would if the roles were reversed. Obviously he wouldn’t have the pregnancy issues, but if he had a stroke and only talked about his health and needing what is technically heart surgery but not in the way that most people thing about it being like, would she be the asshole for not wanting him to go to a reunion with her? I grew up with and have dated people that make every conversation about their health. I empathize, but after a while I wonder if they have a personality beyond that. No one seems to be discussing the stroke part either, there may be something that isn’t being treated as a result of that. And obviously, therapy for everyone involved.
I could understand if it's been a year after the baby was born and her complications but it's literally only been 3 months since the baby's birth and probably a month and a half since she's been out the hospital. That is still very raw emotions and she's still most likely healing up from everything. Plus she still needs to go back for other stuff. I understand his emotions and where he's coming from, but I think he's very much overreacting here and he needs to go get help for himself. Him being annoyed with her talking about her experiences after less than 3 months sounds kind of silly. He needs to go check himself. He's kind of a AH to me in that point.
NTA this is for him and he doesn't want her to make it about her like she is about everything. I get it. I hope he gets to go to the reunion alone cuz he sounds like he needs a break
I’m sorry but I definitely think hubby is atleast an ascon 2. He is minimizing the traumatic child birth that his partner went through. Taking over the child caring duties is great and all but it doesn’t replace understanding and empathy that your partner needs.
If he feels empty, a shell of himself (Dusty's term), that since they began having children life has been work for him, well boo hoo hoo. Work for *him*!?? She went through absolutely everything he's gone through since they began having children in addition to being pregnant for 9 months, not once, but twice, going through labor twice, birthing children twice, all the post partum issues she had to handle alone, having a stroke for goodness sake and now needs a heart procedure and he's the one who needs a break? He may not be ashamed of her, but he sure is embarrassed by her and doesn't want his school chums to know what all that has done to her personality. She's struggling health-wise and she's probably scared out of her wits that her health could cause her to be unable to care for their small children, but he's the one who wants to be far away from her so he can rub elbows with people he hasn't seen in 10 years, impress them all that he's a family man (what a farce!) and doing well and after that reunion, they won't ever think of him until the next reunion. How shallow is this guy? Married for better or worse and when things aren't hunky dory anymore, he wants to go have fun without her and close the door and not even mention her for a few days while he's letting loose. Her trauma is real and she's dealing with it the only way she knows how and the minute things get a tad uncomfortable, he bails on her and doesn't want her with him. Has he bothered to think that maybe she's talking about her health issues because it is her way of coping with these sudden changes she had no warning about? Maybe by voicing them, it helps her accept it and what her future health may be. And he wants applause because while she was in the hospital he "took over" the child caring duties? Is he for real? His arrogance is exceeded only by his audacious ego. He's the children's father - he didn't 'take over' anything: that is his responsibility as a parent. How 'bout he switch places with her and reverse their roles, go back in time to her first pregnancy and live her life for that time and see how much applause his wife has actually earned before he brags about 'taking over' anything. What an immature, cowardly, abhorrent person.
I think you are going too deep with it or a least not being more understanding to his side. I remember watching Desperate Housewives, when Lynette got cancer, they stretched it out for a while, and then there was this point were, her kids were in the treehouse and she overheard them saying, "in here, it's a cancer free zone, no one is allowed to talk about cancer here." Just because something is directly happening to one person, doesn't mean the people it indirectly affects aren't traumatized by it. While having negative feelings and not wanting to hear someone else go on and on about the very valid things they are going through and the very valid fears they are having, seem rude and unfair. It's also just the very real thing that happens when your cup starts to empty. Negative feelings are real, resentment is real, being annoyed is real and normal. It's how you handle it that matters and if you don't want someone to blow up, to be mean, to rage, or cause harm to others and themselves. We have to let people be honest about admitting that they aren't happy sometimes, that they are annoyed, that they do need a break. A need that isn't always convenient or fair, and yes, the wife has been through so much more, he does get to vent, and if he does do everything he's saying, he should be able to complain and have a break. It doesn't mean he doesn't get that what is wife went through wasn't serious, he just means he at place with, were know that and having the capacity to still put her first is waning. And that's fair and normal. It's normal to want someone Even someone going throw it, to shut the hell up, because you have spent a lot time helping them without complain, when you wanted to. Being care and compassion are endless feelings, we have to recharge and some of us get pretty grumpy if we don't.
Wow! He said he wasn't minimizing her experiences with childbirth and stroke. While she was in the hospital, he DID do it all. AND they recently moved so he has no support system. It didn't sound like he's expressed his frustration to her. He's started antidepressants. They're BOTH going thru it. Empathy should be for them both!! As well as understanding . I hope he chooses his approach with care and gets to go alone. NTA
*wife had a complicated birth 3 MONTHS ago. *wife nearly died less than 3 months ago *wife has a stroke and is in the hospital for a month *wife has to have surgery on her heart (in other words, *heart surgery*) And he "can't stand who she's become" because she nearly died less than 3 months ago and is still in a delicate post partum window? (4th trimester). Yikes. He's a total A1. And sounds like a total narcissistic d-canoe. I actually hope for the sake of her physical and mental health she takes the reunion weekend to leave him and rely on an actual support system. Stroke recovery, heart issue recovery, and post partum recovery are all huge, and very recent. It's insane to me that anyone is siding with the POS that OP is.
You going to leave her alone with a toddler and a new born baby after she suffered a stroke !!!! Im sorry what?!!!!! You think that she can function??? Properly after having a stroke and just got done birthing a baby?? And you want to leave her alone with two needy crying babies ?? Im sorry but this sounds like a hard pass on my opinion! This is how some moms / woman snap on their kids and babies im just saying?! If you are going to leave her by her self you need to send her some proper help!! I -
He works he gets to talk to people at his work. She is sick has only church and hubby is crying boehoe.. she HAS a heartproblem, she HAD a traumatic birth. And the only reason why he complains oh she takes the attention away from me.. if a male and female stands together people ask the mum how the baby is, never the dad.. OP is just jealous that his wife gets the attention and he's not.. and thats the only reason he doesn't want her there.
What a selfish jerk! She’s went through something extremely traumatic. The reason she’s probably trying to talk to her friends/family about it is because you aren’t supporting her!! She’s dealing with all of this alone and is most likely also going through postpartum. If I found out my husband was talking about me like this/ felt like this about me I would be mortified and want a divorce.
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Counseling definitely. His wife reminds me of my mother, she thrived more and more for years on pity. Pity should never become ones' raison d'etre.
Your mom sounds like a perpetual attention seeker and she takes it in whatever way she can and she had focused on pity
IMO this is above Reddit's paygrade. I suspect she is reacting out of fear and OP is burned out from caring for a newborn AND his wife. Try to get someone to stay with her while you're gone.
Childbirth- especially a traumatic one- needs counseling. I was the same because I was desperately trying to process it.
He’s bearing the brunt of this. He needs a break. He also needs counseling.
Had to chime in before I even finished the video: as someone who had a stroke, I think the medical procedure is probably closing a small hole in the heart called a PFO. It is a procedure in which a patch is inserted and anchored in the heart but it doesn't actually require surgery, the device goes through a vein, it is not done under general anesthesia.
So, it is kind of exaggerating to say heart surgery for that
It's minimally invasive, but it's still heart surgery
Thank you for the clarification
Couple's therapy. He's not wrong, but what he needs to say can very easily be worded very, very badly without a mediator. I'm sick a lot and try to limit how much I talk about it for this very reason, but I've been sick most of my life so I'm aware of the resentment that can grow in the loved ones of sick people. Especially if the person was healthy before. Maybe wife can find a support group so as not to completely overwhelm husband. But he can't be mad at her for talking about it when directly asked by people at church and such. Also sounds like the rest of her family is unsupportive, which really sucks and limits who else she can speak to since they just moved.
I would be mortified if my husband felt this way about me 😮
I don't think you listened to this video lol He wants a mental break from his day to day life, everyone deserves time from full reality. Get a grip.
@darlenerider4146 lol I listened to it in its entirety and politely disagree with dusty, and you ♡ but I think it's important to understand that we have differing perspectives because of our life experiences . So IMO I think he speaks of his wife unfairly and would be mortified if my husband said he didn't like me in this season or minimizes my medical concerns or experiences. It feels like he lacks the proper empathy in this situation and if he tells his wife "I don't want you there " he'd be a brozo and an asscon 3 for should've done that differently...
I absolutely get this. My mother has been in a place where we only converse about her various ailments, procedures, doctors appointments, physical issues, etc. Nothing else comes up or matters. I understand that he needs to experience life outside of that skipping record.
NTA he needs it. She needs it too. But I think it should be somewhere different. Like her go to stay-cation at a spa/health spa. And for him its this reunion. Hope you can go by yourself OP.
He's not the AH, nor is she. She's trying to process a very traumatic birth & aftermath. He is as well as the caretaker. We need to acknowledge the stress that caretaking takes on people. I've been caring for my elderly parents on my own for years. Mom had alzheimer's Dad had a stroke, we had a house fire after Christmas 2022 & lived in a rental for 13 months while I oversaw the rebuild of the house. I also had to leave my job in order to take care of everything full time. Mom passed this July & trying to make time to grieve seems impossible because my Dad needs so much. You will get lost in caring for others & not make yourself a priority because it doesn't seem as important and there just simply doesn't seem to be enough time. They both need time alone with friends to reconnect with themselves & recharge. Therapy would help them communicate what they need in a productive manner.
Wife had some traumatic experiences, nearly died too, and since this is still on her mind of course she is going to talk about it a lot. She basically did go through combat. Maybe the reason she has to talk to people she does not really know about it is because she either thinks those close to her do not care, and/or she thinks those who are asking really want to know?
I know a lot of people just like the wife. It could be that she was always like this, but OP ignored it until now. If it really is bugging OP he needs to talk to her about it. Although, just like another commenter said, it may be a good idea to do it during counseling.
If OP wants some Me time without her he needs to offer her some Her time without him and the kids.
I'm so glad some people are being understanding for both sides of this story.
This is one where I feel like we need both sides of the story cuz if it's only been 12 weeks, yea, no shit she's still in pain, still traumatized. It's a lot for him but it's more than wanting a break for himself, he's starting to resent her for her pain. Go to couples counseling
They both have been through combat. Their world was turned upside down.
However, he can’t get his entire cup filled in that one weekend…
They both need to seek balance & couples & individual counseling & possibly support groups.
They both need counseling. She needs to process her feelings and people who don't have that experience are NOT capable of giving her what she needs. She needs to work through that trauma. He also needs to work through his trauma and burnout. Being with someone who constantly dwells on one topic can be emotionally draining. Other people might start avoiding her because of it. Speaking from the perspective of having a traumatic hospital stay with my son when he was born and someone who was her about a different trauma event. People did start avoiding me. They couldn't help me process because only a counselor can do that.
yeah.. this is hard.. he needs help, now.. I wonder if he has/can talk to her doctors alone? point this problem out..
good medical care MUST include all parts of the patient AND YES THE PATIENT'S FAMILY. I would have thought the hospital's social workers would be involved?
Perhaps he could do something along the lines of what Dusty said.. maybe offering to have her parents/adult siblings stay that weekend when he will be gone during the days..
I wonder if things will get better on the other side of this procedure.
When I saw the title I was ready to say OP was, but after hearing it he's definitely NOT the AH here. He deserves a break from her drama, and she needs to get some therapy. I'm a caregiver for my husband and it's hard.
That woman is going to ruin every relationship in her life if she keeps on like this she needs therapy
I had a stroke, you get weird after it for a while. You realize how you can die at any moment. You tell everyone about it because it was a significant event in your life. Your brain was literally traumatized and it causes behavioral issues. She may need therapy too, to deal with residual feelings.
OP needs an outlet, it is tough relocating, beginning a new life while being an involved parent all during a medical crisis.
Don't be mistaken, it is tough for his wife because not only is she dealing with those same relocation things she is the stay at home parent and the person who had the life threatening event and as the stay at home mom of very young children finding an outlet is by far tougher for her than hubby who can meet people through work at least.
Both need counseling and both need outlets, I truly feel for them both but can sympathize with the wife who, seemingly, only has OP for support and outlet.
Both sound lonely, overwhelmed and sinking in a vat of depression.
While OP encourages his wife to seek counseling he is neglecting his own serious need for it as well.
OP while filling up your own cup don't forget the fact your wifes is near empty too.
A stroke can be not only traumatic but it can also change a person’s behavior and that is extremely difficult to navigate. I agree he needs to express his need for a bit of a break for his own mental health. But they sound like they need some therapy both individually and together. It sounds like he’s just overwhelmed and she may not be able to see it or help in her current state
NTA, I get were he's coming from. Taking on so much in a short amount of time can make you feel lost. He needs to find himself again before things get to a point where he just bows out of everything.
Man... your words hit me hard. Probably harder than they should have, lol.
I have not been filling up my cup, for years.. And this unfortunately has left me short tempered and angry. It has not been more apparent then it was last night. I was trying to help my autistic son complete a spelling test but both of us getting frustrated lead to an argument and meltdown. Fact is, I'm burnt out. I just need to start prioritizing myself and making sure that I am meeting my needs before I can fully meet the needs of everyone else. (It's just hard to feel like such a failure even if it is for myself)
OP's wife gave birth 12 weeks ago (not a long time even if the birth and recovery went swimmingly). In that time she has had complications, been in and of hospital for a total of a month *and* had a stroke with potentially lifelong side effects. That is megatons of trauma and you're annoyed she won't stop talking about it?
Perhaps her need to talk it up is in direct proportion to his need to talk it down.
These two need some couples counseling and wife might need some counseling just for herself. She did experience a traumatic event.
I kinda get what he's saying. He needs to regroup.
We all suffer. Part of maturity is knowing when it is and is not appropriate to vent. It sounds like she's venting at all times. That's not easy.
While I agree
I Also think he's between a Rock and A Hard place no matter how it goes.
Sounds like his wife is still residual "fight/flight" from it all.
Everything always goes back to that trauma for her. And if he goes off to be with his "college buddies"
Well everyone always assumes it is to booze it up, party, club ect.
He DOES deserve a break though, just a mental reset. Filling of his cup so to say... but idk how he can do it without seeming to be an asshole... because if EVERY conversation always goes to her trauma... this will also be added onto it. ... at least has been the case with people I've known that do similar things.
"This horrible stuff happened. Now he is going off alone because he's ashamed of me. He says he isn't but of course he's going to say that ... if he wasn't ashamed of me, he'd let me go too. He gets a break from here, but I can't. I been thru X,Y,Z" ... you get the idea....
Heart surgery, almost dying... trumps "my mental cup is empty" in the Pity Olympics. ... because he's a man... most would tell him to "suck it up and be a man about it."
It's not right, but ... sadly happens that cards fall that way.
I hope he finds a way to fill his cup. As a stay at home mom... lord my cup is got just a sip in it half the time, and some kid will be saying they're thirsty.... lol. It's never ending
Rewarding, and wouldn't change it for anything in the world.... but it's a hard that not many fully grasp ((unless they have worn similar shoes))
OP’s wife just went through a major medical trauma on top of birthing a child. Her entire life has been upended and shaken without warning. It will take her time to work through it. OP needs to be more empathetic and understanding beyond just taking care of things at home. This is far more problematic than the reunion, but sure, go without her. Just be nice about it and stop minimizing her experience. I highly doubt she’s just looking for attention. Most likely she’s needing validation and support as she processes what has happened
On point!
I don't think you understand completely. He does have empathy, he doesn't minimize anything she has dealt with and is dealing with, he has a right to want a mental break and not talk about it. He has been taking care of everything, listening to her, being there for her. He has a right to breath without that coming up every moment during the reunion.
@darlenerider4146 he says that but he also says "you'd think she's been through combat" and "I don't LIKE my wife in this season" and minimizes her concerns over the "simple heart proceedure" he needs a break... but she carried the little humans, birthed the little humans, and now cares for the little humans, and she'll keep doing that when he gets a break and all while still trying to deal with her very traumatic birthing experience and Motherhood demands and post stroke mind you...
" You would think that this woman has been through combat..."
Huh. You would think that her husband wouldn't be an insensitive prick, but here we are.
Omg yes to this
I was frustrated at his lack of empathy
@@libertytwins6845 Right? Maybe the reason she feels the need to talk about it. So much is because her husband has all the warmth of an Antarctic winter
He is acting like her major health experience was a nothingburger. As someone with a dreadful, invisible disease, this is infuriating and it would be a deal breaker for me.
NTA wife needs to talk to a therapist before she ruins every relationship in her life by making her entire identity her kid and her stroke
I'm very happy she's talking about it, honestly, it seems to me she's purging the worst experience of her life. I think they just need couples therapy and time.
He shouldn't be the trash can she purges into that's clearly harming him. I do agree she needs therapy
Nta. My mom was the same way
NTA. I think they could use a break and some counseling to deal with everything.
Its alot and Op could do with a break.Can you explain that to your wife,get her support for the weekend and giving her the opportunity to do something like this for herself later on?
NTA but they defo need therapy 😢
ESH!
🖤🤎💜
I’m a little worried about saying this, but I can’t help but wonder what people would if the roles were reversed. Obviously he wouldn’t have the pregnancy issues, but if he had a stroke and only talked about his health and needing what is technically heart surgery but not in the way that most people thing about it being like, would she be the asshole for not wanting him to go to a reunion with her?
I grew up with and have dated people that make every conversation about their health. I empathize, but after a while I wonder if they have a personality beyond that. No one seems to be discussing the stroke part either, there may be something that isn’t being treated as a result of that.
And obviously, therapy for everyone involved.
I could understand if it's been a year after the baby was born and her complications but it's literally only been 3 months since the baby's birth and probably a month and a half since she's been out the hospital. That is still very raw emotions and she's still most likely healing up from everything. Plus she still needs to go back for other stuff. I understand his emotions and where he's coming from, but I think he's very much overreacting here and he needs to go get help for himself. Him being annoyed with her talking about her experiences after less than 3 months sounds kind of silly. He needs to go check himself. He's kind of a AH to me in that point.
What is he planning on telling his friends and their spouses when they ask where she is? Lie.. she's sick or truth.. I don't want her here...
NTA this is for him and he doesn't want her to make it about her like she is about everything. I get it. I hope he gets to go to the reunion alone cuz he sounds like he needs a break
I’m sorry but I definitely think hubby is atleast an ascon 2. He is minimizing the traumatic child birth that his partner went through. Taking over the child caring duties is great and all but it doesn’t replace understanding and empathy that your partner needs.
If he feels empty, a shell of himself (Dusty's term), that since they began having children life has been work for him, well boo hoo hoo. Work for *him*!?? She went through absolutely everything he's gone through since they began having children in addition to being pregnant for 9 months, not once, but twice, going through labor twice, birthing children twice, all the post partum issues she had to handle alone, having a stroke for goodness sake and now needs a heart procedure and he's the one who needs a break? He may not be ashamed of her, but he sure is embarrassed by her and doesn't want his school chums to know what all that has done to her personality. She's struggling health-wise and she's probably scared out of her wits that her health could cause her to be unable to care for their small children, but he's the one who wants to be far away from her so he can rub elbows with people he hasn't seen in 10 years, impress them all that he's a family man (what a farce!) and doing well and after that reunion, they won't ever think of him until the next reunion. How shallow is this guy? Married for better or worse and when things aren't hunky dory anymore, he wants to go have fun without her and close the door and not even mention her for a few days while he's letting loose. Her trauma is real and she's dealing with it the only way she knows how and the minute things get a tad uncomfortable, he bails on her and doesn't want her with him. Has he bothered to think that maybe she's talking about her health issues because it is her way of coping with these sudden changes she had no warning about? Maybe by voicing them, it helps her accept it and what her future health may be. And he wants applause because while she was in the hospital he "took over" the child caring duties? Is he for real? His arrogance is exceeded only by his audacious ego. He's the children's father - he didn't 'take over' anything: that is his responsibility as a parent. How 'bout he switch places with her and reverse their roles, go back in time to her first pregnancy and live her life for that time and see how much applause his wife has actually earned before he brags about 'taking over' anything. What an immature, cowardly, abhorrent person.
Thank you 👏
I think you are going too deep with it or a least not being more understanding to his side. I remember watching Desperate Housewives, when Lynette got cancer, they stretched it out for a while, and then there was this point were, her kids were in the treehouse and she overheard them saying, "in here, it's a cancer free zone, no one is allowed to talk about cancer here." Just because something is directly happening to one person, doesn't mean the people it indirectly affects aren't traumatized by it. While having negative feelings and not wanting to hear someone else go on and on about the very valid things they are going through and the very valid fears they are having, seem rude and unfair. It's also just the very real thing that happens when your cup starts to empty. Negative feelings are real, resentment is real, being annoyed is real and normal. It's how you handle it that matters and if you don't want someone to blow up, to be mean, to rage, or cause harm to others and themselves. We have to let people be honest about admitting that they aren't happy sometimes, that they are annoyed, that they do need a break. A need that isn't always convenient or fair, and yes, the wife has been through so much more, he does get to vent, and if he does do everything he's saying, he should be able to complain and have a break. It doesn't mean he doesn't get that what is wife went through wasn't serious, he just means he at place with, were know that and having the capacity to still put her first is waning. And that's fair and normal. It's normal to want someone Even someone going throw it, to shut the hell up, because you have spent a lot time helping them without complain, when you wanted to. Being care and compassion are endless feelings, we have to recharge and some of us get pretty grumpy if we don't.
Wow! He said he wasn't minimizing her experiences with childbirth and stroke. While she was in the hospital, he DID do it all. AND they recently moved so he has no support system. It didn't sound like he's expressed his frustration to her. He's started antidepressants. They're BOTH going thru it. Empathy should be for them both!! As well as understanding . I hope he chooses his approach with care and gets to go alone. NTA
*wife had a complicated birth 3 MONTHS ago.
*wife nearly died less than 3 months ago
*wife has a stroke and is in the hospital for a month
*wife has to have surgery on her heart (in other words, *heart surgery*)
And he "can't stand who she's become" because she nearly died less than 3 months ago and is still in a delicate post partum window? (4th trimester).
Yikes. He's a total A1. And sounds like a total narcissistic d-canoe.
I actually hope for the sake of her physical and mental health she takes the reunion weekend to leave him and rely on an actual support system.
Stroke recovery, heart issue recovery, and post partum recovery are all huge, and very recent.
It's insane to me that anyone is siding with the POS that OP is.
You going to leave her alone with a toddler and a new born baby after she suffered a stroke !!!! Im sorry what?!!!!! You think that she can function??? Properly after having a stroke and just got done birthing a baby?? And you want to leave her alone with two needy crying babies ?? Im sorry but this sounds like a hard pass on my opinion! This is how some moms / woman snap on their kids and babies im just saying?! If you are going to leave her by her self you need to send her some proper help!! I -
@@kallinskai1427 yep. Absolutely shocked that wasn't pointed out. Ascon 2 at best, maybe 1
He works he gets to talk to people at his work. She is sick has only church and hubby is crying boehoe.. she HAS a heartproblem, she HAD a traumatic birth. And the only reason why he complains oh she takes the attention away from me.. if a male and female stands together people ask the mum how the baby is, never the dad.. OP is just jealous that his wife gets the attention and he's not.. and thats the only reason he doesn't want her there.
Yes you are an AH.
What a selfish jerk! She’s went through something extremely traumatic. The reason she’s probably trying to talk to her friends/family about it is because you aren’t supporting her!! She’s dealing with all of this alone and is most likely also going through postpartum. If I found out my husband was talking about me like this/ felt like this about me I would be mortified and want a divorce.