I’m a former staff member of this church, and I think everyone there would be pleased to know that you experienced something uplifting, peaceful, and beautiful during your visit. The church environment should be able to do this for anyone, regardless of their background.
I was raised evangelical Protestant and later joined the Episcopal Church, so I understand the confusion and frustration. The hardest part for me to understand was that Episcopalians did and do take their religion as seriously as I did during my fundamentalist days- they just come to vastly different conclusions about the faith. It was a real shock to learn I could practice Christianity without the self-hatred and contempt, and that my years of beating myself up ultimately earned me nothing. Shifting my mindset to “restore my broken soul” to “love my neighbor” has been a journey. Thanks for your lovely video, as always!
As a member of the Assembly of God for 30 years I completely understand and feel the trauma. I started going to am episcopal church in 2017, and this comment perfectly describes my experience. The people are extremely devout and committed to community of the congregation and of the community at large, particularly the poor, marginalized and downtrodden. To your point about coming to a different realization, I think that is exactly right. Instead of feeling like I’m a worthless piece of crap and constantly trying to figure out God’s perfect will in every situation, I learned in the Episcopal church that I am God’s child and Christ’s sacrifice was enough. I can’t do anything to improve upon my relationship with God because he’s already done everything. Trying to ladder climb spiritually leads to frustration and either a sense of failure or unwarranted pride that leads to judgement of others.
I was raised evangelical (Salvation Army, yes they have Sunday services), but found my way into the Anglican tradition and am now going to be leaving seminary this December to be a curate at an Anglican Catholic Church parish. One of the things that shocked me most about Anglican/Episcopal culture is what you get in to here. The anxiety about performance falls away. In a beautiful way the liturgy allows me to be more Jesus focused than when I was constantly worried about whether or not I was Jesus focused. I love watching this series, and I hope to be a priest/pastor that can serve the community faithfully and without imparting the anxiety we experienced growing up as Evangelicals. Your videos are an encouragement to this seminarian, thank you.
Did not expect this what so ever. Thank you for your vulnerability. Don't know if I could share the same level of honesty if I were in your shoes so thank you
Thank you. This is really beautiful, honest, and reflective. I became an Episcopalian at age 26. I remember when I took my first position in the Episcopal Church as a youth minister--having been a teen and early adult in a tradition like the one you grew up in--I thought "wow these really nice people are paying me twice as much to do half the work." I'm a priest now. I serve a parish where the priest in your video once served. I can assure you he has always worked really hard. As have I. There's *plenty* of work. It's not the kind you see. It's about building consensus. tending the community, the buy in, the vision. Showing up at life milestones. Being present. And yes, making beautiful liturgy. We certainly aren't perfect. But we are really good at using our brains to avoid the mistake of becoming extremists. Your trauma is from extremism. It's not that those young people "don't care that much." It's that they were never called upon to be extremists. You were so wise and insightful to call it jealousy. That is the word. I had it too. The people who hurt you were probably doing their honest best, but you are an adult and are free to start over where you feel comfortable and inspired.
Hi Jared, loved this video. You were being super hard on yourself ... but I feel for you all the more for that. I am an Episcopalian in Scotland with a strong Pentecostal bent. There is is so much beauty in intertwining the two. God bless you brother!
As one of the ladies with the chalice and the little rags (it's called a purificator, lol), I'm glad you had a positive experience taking the Eucharist. I came from a more complicated, reformed background before finding the Episcopal church, and the lack of anxiety is so refreshing. If you start from the point of Jesus's got you covered, and we can't truly comprehend the breadth and depth of the divine, and everything you do is in gratitude for that grace, it can lead to a lot of relief from some of that anxiety about sin and damnation that I personally found really refreshing.
100%. The rector of my church has a few times said something to the effect of "In love, Christ died for us to live, so live in love, not fearing death." which sums it up very well to me.
Thank you. That helps me too, can you tell me how often you have the holy Eucharist? I miss that so much. But do you have to stand in a line in front of the rest of the onlooking church to wait to get it or is it passed around as you’re seated? I don’t like standing out like a sore thumb. It’s not vanity, it’s lack of confidence (shyness) since ive been so debased and shot down by abusive religions. Thank you. ❤
Thanks Jarrod for going to visit the Episcopal Church. I've been attending an Episcopal Church for about two and a half months now. I've really been enjoying it a lot.
It doesn’t sound like you have actually talked to many atheists, certainly not enough to claim to know them personally. Anyway, if only there were more self aware Christians…
Appreciate your authenticity and perspective. I was Episcopalian about 20 years. The music is gorgeous, unparalleled. All that time I wanted to be closer to Jesus but it didn’t happen. Homilies were like college lectures. The pomp a bit performative. Now that you point it out, I agree with you, there’s no rigor, no fire. I can tell you suffered abuse because you think you’re a horrible person. But you’re clearly not a horrible person. You’re gracious, genuine, thoughtful and funny. Of course you have a dark side, everyone does
Thank you for this video. I love your work! I am a proud son of the Eastern Orthodox Church, the Church of Antioch (Syrian), and I attend an Anglo Catholic Episcopal church that I absolutely love. It is truly a "hospital for the soul" and one of a few Western liturgies that doesn’t silently compel me to want to Byzantine-ize it. I'm also a gay man, my husband is Shi'a Ismaili Muslim, and after decades of struggling with religious trauma, I have found in my particular Episcopal Church a home in which to worship Jesus without forfeiting tradition, beauty, and rich liturgy.
My heart hurts with you. You aren't alone in this. As a former atheist, I totally relate to being off-put by the hypocrisy, abuse, idolatry and the indifferent ease with which some approach "church" as just another social club. Being an artist who sensitively and critically thinks can seem like a lonely path of truth-seeking contemplation and zealous frustration. And you know what? That's okay. Years ago, after a big nasty "church hurt", I almost left the Faith, backsliding in an EPIC, prodigal way. God NEVER leaves us, but His sovereignty provides us the gift of choice. The best advice I ever heard from someone was this: "Don't let people ruin God for you." When I started searching for God in His Word, instead of looking for Him in people, (including myself), in commentaries and in "church" denominations; shackles of disgruntled disillusionment started to fall off. Now, an eagerness to go back to Christ Jesus' church's biblical beginnings has me super motivated. It's all a process my friend, different for every precious & loved soul. Prayers of reconciliation and peace continue for you. 🕊
Extremely extremely powerful video. I’m Episcopalian, former Catholic, so it was really great getting to hear your perspective on my denomination! In this video you alluded to your upbringing a *ton* - I think we would all love to see a video like “Jesus was my world - until he wasn’t (atheist perspective” 🙏 something like that where we can get your story! I know it would be super super insightful
As an Episcopalian, we do take it *seriously*, but we don't take it *harshly*. It is not an unserious approach to faith. It's gentle, warm - nourishing rather than crushing - approach to faith. Less feverish, less angry, less paranoid. Safe. Gentle. I keep coming back to that word, but for me it's one of the best this about Episcopalianism: it is a serious, but very gentle, way of doing Christianity.
I get this...!! I grew Up Mormon and we had to be worthy all the time during my youth. Worthy to pass the sacrament worthy to go on a mission worthy to go to the Temple. We had to confess our sins to a bishop and he would discipline us according to the severity of the sin. No sacrament, cant participate for a few weeks or months. can't go to the Holy temple. Or when bad its a huge disciplinary council with Men who judge you and throw spiritually roccks at you shame you humble then show love at the end when your crying... Then I met some Christian friends who were so GOOD!! I was so jealous of them. They didn't have all this pressure to be prefect and obedient. They came to Christ on their own they decidided to be good cuz it was the right thing to do. No bishop or people with a spiritual pitch fork pressuring you to do the right thing.
Could you tell me more? I did not know this. Is it an off-shoot of Catholicism? I liked the ritual and the old medieval (?) style of worship, but without the hell and everything you do is a sin, of the Catholic Church. I like choirs, as I grew up Catholic and being in a Latin singing choir. Are there nuns? Tell me more if you are able. They are called “Episcopal” churches? Why? Because of Epistles? Thank you. ❤
@christinesotelo7655 It is Anglicanism. Episcopalian means 'having bishops', and it was a way for Anglicans to distinguish themselves from other churches that came out of the English and Scottish reformations, such as the Presbyterians. The Anglican Communion is a global communion of autonomous national churches that trace their descent from the English reformation and the Church of England. Episcopalian and Anglican are basically synonyms, although 'Episcopalian' is more widely used in the USA and 'Anglican' in the Commonwealth.
As a moderate Episcopalian, who grew up in a very conservative denomination, I can say that, when someone is trying to "save themselves" they worry about every tiny detail of their life. When you realize that Christ has done all the work for you, and you are called to Love God, and your Neighbor as yourself, you are free to dwell in the arms of the Savior. Furthermore, most Fundamentalist, Evangelical churches have only been around since the 1800s. The Episcopal Church, as an offshoot of the Church of England, has been around since St. Augustine of Canterbury was sent as the Apostle to the English by Pope Gregory the Great in 597 A.D.
@@kevinmorgan8534very true. The Anglican belief in its own apostolic validity depends more on them than Augustine. If they had to depend on a missionary from the Pope for their authority source there’d be a much bigger contradiction in their beliefs
Episcopalian here. I think your words were very moving, both beautiful and sad at the same time. I just want to say that I disagree that we don't take our religion seriously, because we do. For me at least, being an Episcopalian means that we try really hard to love our neighbor as ourselves and we try really hard to not judge others. I hope you find peace, sir.
Dude I respect the struggle. I loved the line where you said how can these people go about the service and not give a damn about figuring out what they ought to do and ought not to do. Sounds like you are genuinely seeking the truth. This was so relatable. A book I might recommend is called the Mountain of Silence. The basic premise is a journalist goes to Mount Athos and meets a monk and starts asking him very difficult questions about faith. Sounds like something you might enjoy.
I was thinking you're retarded but God helped me bit here and I focused the necessary word can , "How are supposed Christians claiming to follow God, not give attendance to what the Christian Should Ought to do as God intends, and what you ought Not to do, Morality of Christ, if you a christian don't care, its hard not to see you with contempt" so therefore these people are simply not following christ, not christians.
I vacillate between being an Episcopalian, being an atheist, both while being committed to practicing Zen Buddhism. Glad you had a good experience; I always do at my Episcopal church when I go. The cloth used to wipe the chalice is called a “purificator” and the wine is usually good because (at least at my parish) they use higher-alcohol content wine, which is considered to be somewhat germ-killing. The community there is amazing and most truly try to live out the mission callings they’ve discerned for for themselves. Mostly feeding the hungry, welcoming undocumented migrants and advocating for them, nurturing the kids in the parish, visiting the sick and elderly, etc. They also won’t bat an eye when I tell someone there I’m “basically an atheist”. Still, the liturgy, art & music are beautiful, the way people treat each other even more so. When I do go it always brings me peace, and I’ve learned to just accept that. I do carry a lot of religious trauma from earlier in my non-Episcopalian, non-atheist life, and somehow participating in that parish community helps me recover from that damage. No demands from them, just open arms and patient, listening hearts.
As a former evangelical I can relate. Those of us who grew up in fundamentalist denominations that rely on spiritual abuse see that as “true Christianity” just like an adult who was abused as a child might see a parent beating their child as “true parenting”, and then get angry when gentle parents raise better behaved children.
“Fundamentalists” don’t even follow scriptures. It’s just a giant grift to take money and control people, run by narcissists. For example, Genesis 12:3, most fundies say means we have to support that war machine overseas and never criticize. Yet the entire Galatians 3 clearly explains what that one verse was about. “Fundies” adopted this heresy back in the 20th century because of world events and it made them sound credible when talking about prophecy, hence drawing more people in. But I see it as just a grift.
I’m Episcopalian, and many people at my church became Episcopalian, coming from other denominations that were controlling. Many of us have had the same feelings you’ve had before joining the Episcopal Church- many of us have been unsure and have questioned if what we were doing is “enough”. Our path just led to a different place than yours did, and both paths are equally important and good
Just found your account through Reddit. I have recently left a high demand “religion” (though many would call it a cult) and I too experienced a lot of the pressure you described from your experience. I recently started attending a local Episcopalian parish that is small, and the services have been so refreshing and so restorative to my soul and my relationship with church attendance and God and Jesus. I have also felt tremendous love and goodness in the services I have attended. Good luck to you in your search for healing. I’m walking my own journey with you. Thanks for this lovely video.
The Episcopalians have been helping me lately too. Particularly, the nonprofit ministry Mockingbird. We live in a country that is over-churched and under-graced. Holiness, faith, assurance - it's all gift and I can't Bible study my way into a gift. Thanks for making this video.
As a cradle Southern Baptist who ended up in the Episcopalian fold… God, this spoke to me. I’ve been back home with my dad a fair part of this summer to help him take care of my mom through her illness and death. While I’ve been here, I’ve gone with him to the church I grew up in (and have avoided since college) to support him. And it’s been such a burden. There’s no room for being human. You’re taught from an early age that you’re bad and every thought you have is bad. You can only think one way, act one way, live one way. Sermons focus on getting saved and what heaven is going to be like. This past Sunday, they showed a video about a pregnancy clinic the church supports and the biggest applause line was about how about 400 women are saved every year there. Really? That’s all it’s about - dunking them and shoving them through the gates of heaven so you get a nice tally? That’s how I was raised to live and I can’t stand to be around it now. Every single word at Mom’s funeral that was meant to be comforting - mostly literal readings of passages from Revelation - rang hollow for me. That’s not even to mention how half the sermon was a salvation crusade. Clearly I need to talk with somebody about all this. lol It’s a lot. I can’t wait to be in a place where I can be a fully fleshed-out person again, not someone with a very specific religious checklist to adhere to at all times. I hated myself for years because of the standards I could never live up to.
Im lds, former atheist. I often question my sanity in practicing my faith. I just want to say this is the most genuine piece of content I have seen. I dont know the exact pain you feel having the foundation of your crumble under you, but I would like to understand. For context, two of the greatest disappointments in my life were my mission and my marriage to my wife. I use the word greatest there intentionally with more than one meaning. If that experience interests you or could help let me know. Otherwise thank you for letting me, a total stranger, see you. Ps I have no idea how to actually get ahold of someone in youtube or if you will even see this comment, considering this video is 5 months old at this point.
I don’t remember the name of the Saint. And google has been of no help. But an Orthodox Saint once said something along the lines of “it is the nature of demons to fall and stay fallen. The nature of angels to never fall. And the nature of man to fall and get back up again”
Thank you for making this video. Your channel is my new favorite. I left Fundamentalist Christianity many years ago and have found a home in a mainline tradition for all the reasons you cited. I deeply appreciate the authenticity you infuse your videos with. Can’t wait for the next one!
I am an atheist but whenever I'm traveling I always go to church. I went to a service in Westminster Abbey that brought tears to my eyes! I felt like God was breathing on me when I was in Notre Dame cathedral during Mass! It's always such an intense experience. I am an atheist, but I understand why people go to church. It's quite good sometimes.
Jesus Christ my dude the way you’re absolutely a master at communicating and making what you have to say, be personal. I- first time I’m in your channel and I absolutely love it. Your last phrase before signing off? Yeah take a knife to my heart bc I felt the pain
You've done me again! I find some of your videos really moving, it brought me to tears. As an exjw, i didn't have to worry about a lot of the things you mentioned because we weretold exactly what we should think/feel/act, but what had me was the whole living without faith, going from faith to faithless. It's tough, really tough. Stay strong! Your videos are amazing!!!
Hey Brother, it's me again. Watched another video and your willingness to lay it all out and be vulnerable about your experiences is truly humbling and remarkable. And as I've said before, much love to you. Seriously, my heart cries out with yours when I saw the pain in your words. I pray with all my heart that you may find that joy you once had without the immense struggle that came with your previous experiences. Life is a struggle. Sin is a struggle, but through Christ and the communion of the Church, we struggle back and live the best lives we can. We aren't meant to go through this by ourselves because that is such a lonely walk. I hope your videos inspire others that don't go to church, to go to church. But also I hope it brings with it encouragement from others as you go through this task we call life. If I was in your area, I'd shake your hand, I'd hug you, heck I'd get you some grub and have a chat about everything from life, theology, to our mutual love for heavy metal. God bless you, Jared! You'll be seeing me around!
This channel is amazing, man. Really, the content is so unique: funny, insightful, personal. It's so up my alley, it's ridiculous. Thanks for making these videos.
Coming from a current evangelical who’s wrestled with a lot of doubt / deconstruction stuff and is still working it out: this was beautiful and deeply moving. I felt that ending-had me in tears. God bless
Watching the end of this video kinda healed something for me. Having been fully IN something, and then coming out of it… there’s something lost. Even if it was something that I no longer believe was real, the loss is real.
They are absolutely not better people than you are, they were just raised in a healthier environment, and their lives, their thoughts, and their relationships with god are different because of that. That’s not a choice that either of you made, it was made for you by the people who raised you. I absolutely relate to this feeling. It’s the feeling I get when I meet well adjusted people raised in healthy, whole, non-abusive families. I can’t help but feel jealousy, longing for what my life could have been like if my circumstances had been different. Then I feel guilt for feeling that jealousy. From a fellow eastern North Carolinian, please don’t be so hard on yourself. We are all simply doing the best we can with the cards we’ve been dealt. ❤
Brother... the pain that comes from you man... holy crap is sooo real. I felt it bro, its so heavy... I'm a man of faith, I'm LDS. And I see many who step away from the faith and I have been on a journey to know why. Listening to you is somewhat helping me paint a picture as to why that is. I don't wish to overstep because I don't know you. But I wish to continue to learn from you. I will also add that God is aware of who you are and what you're going through and a personal level.... and knows you by name. And even though we all fall short.... You are no more precious to God than those in this wonderful church you visited. Keep it up! I love your content!
Late to the party, and Im sure this will not be a popular take, but you might consider attending an ACNA or Continuing Anglican parish. Great video. Subscribed
Amazed at the vulnerability here. I have struggled off and on with scrupulosity, a form of religious OCD which can be debilitatingly fixated on morality, salvation, and fear. I found peace in the Anglican faith. Though I no longer live near any congregations, I have stayed in the mainline and am far more profoundly peaceful and happy than I ever was in the non-denominational, highly political world. Something you said in a video on orthodoxy has really stuck with me; it’s not about “you.” There really is true peace to be found in that. When the worship is not about us, our faults or strengths, our striving and fears…but rather about God, His sovereignty, and this ancient liturgy and faith that exists outside of us, there is a spiritual freedom to be found. Loving this project, and increasingly impressed by your output. Criminally under-viewed channel!
Happy to hear how the church has helped you! Which mainline denomination did you end up staying in? After a long journey, I too have narrowed down my search to the mainline, and I’m leaning towards Episcopalian or UMC.
@@FriarJoe66 I am Presbyterian now, with hopes of being Anglican again when I move in a few years. I practice Anglican liturgy and prayer at home, which scratches the itch for now. As a lover of history and classical music, once I moved from a nondenominational service to high church liturgy there was really no going back!
@@oliviacrocker6379 I agree!! I’m actually an in-process history major myself haha, I grew up in a pretty low-church congregation of the UMC so I’ve been trying to find high-church congregations in that denomination. Im always curious as to the differences between high-church Methodists and Episcopalians.
I found your channel this weekend and have been watching video after video as I cleaned my house. This was by far the most impactful, honest and meaningful one because of how you laid everything bare. It takes courage to do that one on one, let alone to thousands of strangers, thank you for what you do and keep making videos. My name is Noah, I'm a Christian, go to Church.
Tried posting this recently but it looks like it didn't go through...trying again. Hi Jared, I’ve watched a few of your videos and I find them very fascinating. Thanks for taking the time and effort to do what you’re doing. You are smart and sincere and insightful, and I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I grew up in a nominal Catholic family, went to church every Sunday but it was just a cultural/traditional thing mostly. I got into porn from a young age, lived a hedonistic worldly lifestyle in my teens, and got saved when I was 19 after a long journey seeking for truth. Now I’m in my early thirties, I have a wonderful wife and children. In recent years I’ve been going through some serious seasons of maturing and reflection and sobriety, deep waters for sure. I am a highly analytical person like you so I can relate to much of what you described in this video. In fact I’m still working through much of it right now. Do I have it all right? Does my church have it all right? How do I get it all right? Do I have to get it all right? Is my relationship with God not real unless I get it all right? All right in terms of doctrine, understanding, service, evangelism, devotion, etc. Should I be street preaching in the busiest part of town? Why am I not doing that? What does God want me to do with my life/career? What does God want me to do today? The reality of eternity and hell has been overwhelmingly serious at times. That’s a small sample of my last few years. Lots of religious anxiety I guess you could call it. Why are God’s expectations of me so high when he says his yoke is easy and his burden is light? Friend, the burden has felt crushing at times, not easy and light. Plus the immense and increasing responsibilities of raising children and career decisions. Plus all the ways I feel unequipped and inadequate to handle everything. A handful of times in the last few years I just wanted to die and basically asked God to get it done. I’ve uttered the words, certainly in my heart and I think audibly more than once, that “I can’t/I don’t want to be a Christian anymore, it’s too hard” or something to that extent. But as much as my mind and flesh (and soul?) want to escape, I know in my heart and spirit that there’s no going back, not in an ominous kind of way, just in a “this is reality” kind of way. So here I am. Can I deny the obvious reality of God that I believed in even before I was saved? Can I deny the historical life, death, and resurrection of Jesus? Can I deny how’s he changed me and the sins he’s saved me from? No, I can’t. “To whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.” I felt compelled to share this because I thought it might help you in some way. Actually I woke up wide awake and very thirsty at 3am so I took my carton of pineapple coconut water and got going on TH-cam. So it’s now 5am as I write this on my phone lol. (update now 7am). So, all that to say I think I can relate with the striving, the anxiety, the desire to do it right and be all for God. And I really do appreciate your struggle. I want to say something else too because this is what I’ve discerned from watching maybe 4 or 5 of your videos. You’ve said something like “it’s not like I did xyz because I wanted to have a bunch of sex (don’t get me wrong, I DID want to have sex)” and in a another video “it’s wasn’t just that I woke up one morning and realized I wanted to have premarital sex (big smirk)” and in this video you mentioned being hungover. Honestly, I’m getting nervous even writing this as if I’m just about to have a challenging discussion with a close friend having to rebuke or correct them (not that I do that regularly), and this may seem overly simplistic to your analytical mind, but you remind me of the prodigal son. Maybe your intense struggling and questioning made you vulnerable…as you drifted from enjoying God and loving him and trusting him into a more anxiety and doubt filled formulaic “relationship”, the pleasures of sin for a season became increasingly alluring and you made the escape into the world - although your current TH-cam channel definitely makes it seem like you wanted to keep a foot or at least a few toes in your Christian life. Here’s where I think our situations differ (I’m assuming because I don’t know your whole story). I had my season in the world. I watched a lot of increasingly extreme and deviant porn, I had premarital sex, I smoked a lot of weed, I partied, I watched/played countless hours of TV and video games, I drank energy drinks (side note: watch out for caffeine, it is indeed a powerful drug and can stimulate fleshly desires). You wanna talk about dopamine? Yeah I used up a life’s supply in like 10 years. I’m assuming from what I can discern that you did not have a similar experience. Maybe that’s one reason why, although our struggles and experiences sound similar, I remain a Christian and you have seemingly rejected the faith and embraced the world. For me, how could I go back to my own vomit? I know it’s empty in the end, I know how fake it is, how temporary it is. I’ve seen it all pretty much. Forsaking God for that? Jer 2:13 - “for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” And John 4…the water the world offers me will leave me thirsting again. It will leave you thirsting again. Have you experienced that yet, or is it too soon? Jared, I just started watching your videos like a day or two ago and here I am writing this comment for many hours in the middle of the night. The sheer rarity of something like this in my life shows me that God is working here and he wanted me to write this and he wanted someone to read this. Maybe it’s for you, maybe for a random comment reader. On the one hand you seem very presentable, smart, refined, and respectable. But I see something else as well…go back and watch your video “I Was Never A Real Christian” starting at 4:37 when you make that comment about premarital sex. You have that smirk, that glimmer in your eye…there’s something true and deep revealing itself there. To be honest, I see sin there. I see lust. I see pride. Friend, I see my old self there. You need to repent. You’re running towards sexual immorality when God says to flee it. Then right after when you say “it was a long, painful process” it seems a bit like you’re putting a persona back on, there’s something insincere happening there. Jared, you are very handsome, smart, funny, witty…I get it, I understand the desires. And it’s easier than ever to find promiscuous women. I do wonder though how often and to what extent desire and lust for sin and “freedom” are covered in veils of intellectual rigour and honesty. I do believe many people reject God because they don’t want to obey him, full stop. This is the core of our rebellious, sinful nature. Whether this applies to you or not, only you truly know. I am only sharing what I am discerning. Back to my struggles, one thing I’ve come to realize is that at a certain point, doubts and fears and questionings become sinful when they replace trust and faith in God. Leaning on my own understanding, trying to figure everything out, not believing various truths and promises that God reveals regarding his love and peace and rest…recipe for disaster. God allows trials into our lives to deepen our experience and faith and our trust in him. You might enjoy a book called “Just Do Something”, I’ve only listened to part of it but I think it would be up your alley. One thing he discusses is how we obsess about every little detail in a spiritual way more than previous generations. Bonus apologetic question: how do you explain the fact that the disciples were willing to die for the claim that Jesus is the resurrected Son of God? I’m sure they had many opportunities to recant. After the crucifixion, they went from being cowards and doubters to suddenly being very bold missionaries and ultimately martyrs that completely transformed the world forever. Who would die for something they know is a lie? What would convince them so utterly other than seeing and interacting with the resurrected Christ as recorded in the scriptures? I’ve never heard a plausible alternative explanation. I believe this is the single most powerful evidence for the reality and resurrection of Christ, seeing as how his existence, crucifixion, burial, and empty tomb are accepted historical facts. God bless you Jared, and anyone else who reads this very long comment. May God bless you all, AMEN.
It's beautiful to see you publicly sharing your struggles. I can hear the pain. Your upbringing was very similar to mine, although I was a Mormon. I grew up with that same fear. I was terrified of dying at the "wrong time", like God was trying to catch me mid-sin and that would be it. I had extreme anxiety, mixed with those manic, ecstatic times that always felt like the "spiritual high" that I wanted all the time. Looking back, I realize how self-oriented my worship was, and how transactional my relationship with God was. I left it all behind when I was 25, and only came back to Christ at the age of 43. I had a lot of anger and bitterness, similar to what you are expressing. I had a very materialist view of God, assuming there was a "natural world" and a "supernatural world", and that there wasn't a lot of intermingling of the two. I saw this world as evil and broken and fallen, and had no sense of hope. I considered myself a Deist (believing God had set things in motion, then left us to our own devices), but eventually was persuaded by the New Atheist arguments. And I was so, so bitter. What happened to me is that my marriage was on the brink of divorce, and my daughter and I barely spoke. I was heartbroken and I realized I could not figure things out on my own. I had tried everything and nothing had worked. Well, I tried everything except Christ (again, but way different this time). I had heard some about Orthodoxy at that point, and decided that I was going to an Orthodox Divine Liturgy that weekend. I invited my wife and my daughter and they both came with me. That was almost five years ago. My life has been completely transformed, but it has nothing to do with scrupulosity. It has everything to do with standing in Divine Liturgy, and standing in prayer at home, and being healed. I have learned that prayer isn't a time for extemporaneous speeches and wish lists. For us, prayer is being aware of the presence of God. Standing in stillness is more prayerful than speaking many words. I did get lulled in by a tradition, and that is where I met Christ. The whole Divine Liturgy is centered on Christ, and all of the symbolism, all the components of traditional, liturgical worship participate in the worship of God. What has happened is that my view of the world is becoming more and more sacramental all the time. Christ brought Paradise back to our world by taking on our nature and healing it. And we can begin to participate in Paradise here, quietly, in prayer, filled with gratitude for God's mercy, while we are still mindful of our completely broken nature. May God bless your struggles. I love your channel.
Listening to the end of this video it sounds like he’s missing something, but the trauma of what he experienced as a Christian is creating a buffer between him and God. I don’t think he would say “Jesus was my everything, don’t loose it” if he just was on a critical thinking path.
What a beautiful talk. Such honesty and heart. Be careful of comparing yourself to others. "Compare and despair," we say. Everyone suffers. We'll never know how much. You are on a journey, your own journey-different from others. Clearly, God has his finger on you; leading you. It's hard to glory in tribulations such as yours, but someday you will.
What you said about Christ being your everything and the you hope we never feel the pain of losing Him, made me tear up. I just want to give you a hug man. Something is telling me (hopefully the Holy Spirit) that God is not done with you yet. I pray for the day that you come back to Christ's open arms. God bless you and what you do, brother.
Hi Heliocentric, I am a Christian but I wanted to say that I relate strongly to the agony you felt. I was diagnosed with scrupulosity OCD by a psychologist. I used to be so afraid of falling asleep at night because I was scared I would die in my sleep and wake up in hell. I only wore dresses for a time because I was convinced that it was sinful for a woman to wear pants. I wouldn’t take communion because I was afraid I was taking it unworthily and heaping judgment on myself. I avoided reading the Bible because I knew it would trigger my OCD, but then I felt guilty for not reading it. All that to say, I know how you have felt. ❤ I know that God is more gracious than my anxieties have led me to believe, though.
Jared, I'm still a Christian and I just wanted to tell you that I love you and my heart goes out to you for everything you've been through with your previous church experience. I enjoy watching your reviews of churches, that's the honest truth. I am genuinely praying for you. ❤🩹
@@HeliocentricOfficial My heart goes out to you, Jared! Praying for you as well. (PS: and thank you for being an atheist who knows more Church history and Church Fathers than many believers, lol)
@@HeliocentricOfficial wow- I wonder if what you felt is something like grief. I am an old geezer pastor, I was raised in fundamentalism, moved to a kind of neo-evangelicalism in the 70’s through most of my life and now don’t really embrace any label. I deeply regret how judgmental I was of people who were not part of my “tribe”. I have come to understand that people like those high-schoolers in this video and who back in the day I would have felt needed to get saved, just have a different way of expressing devotion and living out what it means to be a Jesus person. Maybe a better and healthier way. I learned that the stuff I worried about, activities I avoided and worldly friends I gave up - this did not make me a better Christian. Living for the sake of others, welcoming sinners and eating with them, has now become what it means to live the Jesus way for me. I bet these kids learned this in their church. I experience grief over the painful striving of my earlier ways. If grief is what you felt- just let it come.
Jared. So moved by your vulnerability, skill at expressing yourself both technically and in the powerful way you communicate. The end of this video is so powerful. There is a maturity in your pain that comes through and a generosity in the way you make room in your experience for the experience of others. When I told my son about your channel, he said he was already a subscriber and he LOVES your work (he is a popular youtuber of the gaming variety). I don't want to put a bunch more words in this comment. I want to sit silently with you across this electronic distance and just make a space for your voice in my mind and simply appreciate it. So, thank you.
The ending comments were powerful. My gut reaction to it without overthinking it is that you really love Jesus. Plain and simple. I grew up as a Protestant and converted to Eastern Orthodoxy (with a brief detour into Native American spirituality) when I was about 42 just as an FYI. I talked to my priest and asked if I could still join the church even though I often struggled with the idea that God might not even be real. I was shocked when he said that was fine and that anyone who says they never doubt is a liar.
I grew up Episcopal, and I remember one time my mom took us to this "multi-denominational" Christian day camp held in the next town over. Me and my family were so weirded out because the people there were strict evangelicals. We tried to join a group of kids all listening to music but they were all bragging because all they listened to was Christian music. Our CD binders full of our "music of the world" didn't go over well. Around the time they put on a play about how premarital relations and gayness led to horrible gory deaths and torment in Hell was when my parents decided to pull the plug on the whole day and get us out of there. Got a long talk about how that's not what our church believes and about how hate is not how you should walk with God. Even though my own religious studies led me to atheism in the end, I have no ill will towards the church nor do I have the trauma that so many others have from strict religious sects and I will be always grateful for that.
I grew up Southern Baptist, and they used to take us, mainly middle and high school kids, to these things around Halloween called Hell House. It was basically to scare the hell (literally lol) out of us to not have sex, or drink, or whatever. Google Hell House and you'll see how insane it is. I am still a christian, but go to a reformed, non fundamentalist church. I would never, ever, take my kids to something like that. It's ridiculous, and a way to "scare kids into salvation".
I love you, man. I'm glad I found your channel. I live in the Wilmington area and look forward to walking in your steps and visit some of these places you've visited. Thank you for keeping it real and vulnerable. You are seen.
6:25 to 15:25... All those efforts and struggles... It reminds me my early christianity. In 1994 I went throw what you expressed in 15:04 - 15:18... But I returned to Christian Faith, broken, sceptical, with trust issues, but returned. Recently I joint the Eastern Orthodox Church where I'm not trying to be useful, not trying to be in all king of ministries, save people and impress God, but just enjoying the ancient Christianity with all is beauty and theological depth, and recovering from all the spiritual trauma I experienced in neoprotestant circles.
Your analysis resonates with me. I'm 66, and a late in life convert to Eastern Orthodoxy (Antiochian) from evangelical Protestantism. That world is long in my rear view mirror, yet its ugly reminders still pop up occasionally (fortunately less and less with time).
Dude I’m in the process of examining evangelicalism and Protestantism overall. Too much spiritual abuse is right. As soon as I joined a fundamentalist church I felt so burdened by their demands and guilt trip that I’m not good because I don’t attend enough, and before you know it you’re there 5x a week, exhausted, burned out, and nobody cares. They say give up your money, things, friends, hobbies, etc. But then the worst people are the ones with best attendance. The covert narcissists that totally lack empathy, the ones that discourage and abuse, the ones that hate Palestinians, the ones that murder (yes another similar church had a psychopath killer with perfect attendance and even went to their Bible college), etc. I noticed people looked sharp and great on the outside but still fundamentally immature on the inside, emotionally and psychologically (insecurities, superiority/inferiority complexes, etc). Now I question if it’s nothing more than a grift. Looking at the history of evangelicalism it looks as though they picked their doctrines to draw in conservatives and take their money or control them. They embrace: - Decadence (Once save always saved, predestination, pre-trib rapture, etc.) - Narcissism (see the founders of denominations, many were cult leaders and one man popes like Jack Hyles) - Zionism (single hand idly destroying Christendom by supporting and enabling anti-Christs that push prn, abortion, etc.) - Superficial (abandoning Eucharist, confession, quiet contemplation, monasticism, fasting, etc.) - Control (tithing, guilt volunteerism, separation, “we’re the best”, “we know everything”, “Catholics bad”, etc.)
I'm a Christian from a fundamentalist tradition (Jack Hyles-style independent Baptist background, if not quite the same level), and I've been considering where I'm going to go next when I finally gather the strength to leave the church I grew up in. I'm very drawn to the liturgy and older traditions, but also drawn to progressive Christianity and a less insane theology... so naturally Episcopalians are high on my list of places to try out. This video really hit me hard, because I know exactly what you're talking about, and I want my kids to grow up without the heavy burdens which I've been raised with.
Most people have said what I would say already. As someone who came from an evangelical denomination and took my faith as seriously as you describe, I just want to say: I'm sorry. I'm sorry the Church has hurt you, and I hope you are able to continue to work through that pain to become who you truly are. Thank you for sharing your story and experience.
wow found this channel tonight had a flick through, as a metal head and someone who recently joined the orthodox church these videos are absolutley amazing
I get this...!! I grew Up Mormon and we had to be worthy all the time during my youth. Worthy to pass the sacrament worthy to go on a mission worthy to go to the Temple. We had to confess our sins to a bishop and he would discipline us according to the severity of the sin. No sacrament, cant participate for a few weeks or months. can't go to the Holy temple. Or when bad its a huge disciplinary council with Men who judge you and throw spiritually roccks at you shame you humble then show love at the end when your crying... Then I met some Christian friends who were so GOOD!! I was so jealous of them. They didn't have all this pressure to be prefect and obedient. They came to Christ on their own they decidided to be good cuz it was the right thing to do. No bishop or people with a spiritual pitch fork pressuring you to do the right thing.
I have so much respect for you for saying what you did and posting it on TH-cam. That took a lot of guts and I couldn’t have said it better myself. God Bless
This week I listened to Ulcerate, Immortal, Agaloch and Electric Wizard, yet THAT ending, my dude, is the heaviest thing I have heard all week. Much respect.
Episcopalian here! I'm glad you had a good experience. I was raised Mormon and can relate to a lot of what you said about how you grew up. I know the pain is very real and very deep. You got a lot of people saying "we do take our faith seriously" which, while I agree, I think is just coming down to semantics. Scrupulosity being different than seriousness and all that. But I hope regardless of where your life takes you you can find self acceptance and love
Those last few seconds... And I really mean this well and in an uplifting way when I reference that story of the two sets of footprints in the desert... Also: "shall never leave you nor forsake you"...
I'm Eastern Orthodox, currently kicking around the idea of exploring an Episcopal Church. I found your video touching, I was an atheist for many years. I really appreciate your candor and emotion in this video. I know this doesn't add anything to the conversation I just felt the need to say something because your video struck me as highly authentic and quite touching.
I had tears at the end of this video for you. Your grief feels so honest and genuine. As a believer, I really hope I don't ever lose my faith because I know I would be so heartbroken and lost. Although I know you are set in your beliefs, it seems you still leave room for God to show you something to believe in again. Respect for just being curious and also being so vulnerable in your struggles because faith really is hard sometimes, even if you don't believe in it.
I can relate to much of what you said here. I joined the Episcopal Church after I left the non-instrumental Church of Christ. It was very difficult for me to process that there were people who took their faith very seriously, for whom it was the centerpiece of their lives, yet there wasn’t the struggle that I had faced being raised in a fundamentalist tradition. I definitely felt a sense of jealousy, as you mentioned, but I also learned from them ways in which a genuine faith didn’t have to be traumatic. Life-changing, challenging, yes. But not traumatic.
I know you don’t believe but I am struck by your passion by your willingness to learn and educate and to experience all that life has to offer. I hope you are healed from the pain that is clearly still in you. I thank you for deconstructing anyway you can. It’s part of your walk. It’s amazing.
Hey Jared man. Super relatable. People can go through the motions or they can embrace Christ, what they're there for. I've seen that scenario played out many times, and in my life. Also you're not a sh*** person, and I believe you're prior path was not 'wasted'. I see faith as not a linear path but like a muscle.
I loved this video, and I totally get where you are coming from. I'm an Anglican priest, in the Church of England, the Episcopalians in America would typically come under the same denominational heading I suppose. The ones in communion with Canterbury that is. I wonder if it's less that they don't take it so seriously, but rather that they don't try to do it all on a Sunday? I grew up in very intense evangelical and charismatic Churches and Sunday was the everything moment. In what I do now, in how I live my faith and I see other traditional Catholic type Churches do the same, a lot of that moralising and stuff happens throughout the week in light touch ways. Like in the conversations that occur in youth groups, in the mother and toddler group sessions, in home groups and in social events. Because the Churches have a longer history, worked out theologies and doctrines and teach those things then in a way there is less of that self-study to be had, maybe. I see it as less about an individual coming to an understanding, and more of a community learning and growing together sharing the theological and emotional load. As someone who also had an intense Christian upbringing, i'd be really interested to chat with you about it. I'd also just add, I'm sorry that you are/have experiencing(ed) the hurt of losing Jesus. It's not easy when you have that kind of relationship to lose it. I think it's wonderful you're checking out all these Churches and I've watched several of your videos in one hit. I'm looking forward to seeing the ones you're yet to film and release!
Thank you for sharing your story. I don't know what else to say except I'm really sorry that was your experience as a Christian. The anxiety and fear you felt are scary and I'm sorry you didn't have a community where you were able to experience peace.
I have to imagine you get comments like this a lot, so take it as another shred of validation, but I have to say: the clarity and transparency with which you engage with your own Christian experience is heart-wrenching and beautiful. I've watched a number of your videos. You are always fair, kind, generous, humorous, and, to my lights, self-aware. I hope that as you continue to process your life and explore the vast landscape of Christendom, that you find God has been suffering with you all along, that your struggle and studies were not a waste. And that, in due time, you can be at peace. Thank you, Jared.
I think your video gave me a lot to reflect on after having watched it. I don’t know your back story but I think you’ve found something that is at the crux of my denomination and really a healthy church experience. We should be looking to build an accountable safe and welcoming place for people of all generations to grow in faith and as people. I found the video heartbreaking, moving and uplifting. I don’t know what you’re searching for but when you find it, I hope it brings you peace, joy and fulfilment. I also don’t think you’re a shitty person. Peace be with you.
I didn’t go through what you went through as a child, but I witnessed a lot of people that did. I grew up in a Midwest city that was riddled with mega churches and cathedrals. All my friends would tell me about how their non denomination church was the only one that would make it into heaven. I lived in fear of going to hell. The person who was my father figure was gay, he is the kindest most compassionate person I know. I would ask my friends, “how could god send such an amazing person who has done so much good to hell?” I would never get a logical answer back. I was big on skateboarding, and living in a Midwest town it was hard to skate in the winter. All the indoor skate parks were either at churches or run by Christian organizations. One of the leaders in one of those organizations ended up SA a few of my friends. As I got older I started to despise Christianity. It lead me to searching for answers from other religions/philosophies. Around a year ago I was brought back to Christianity. I feel a calling towards Jesus, but this has come with much man made pain. I’ve struggled to find a church/denomination to belong to. On the search I’ve started to learn less and less about Jesus/the Bible in general. The funny thing is the last two churches I’ve been to, the service was all about donation to the church. The church I’ve been currently attending asked for everybody to donate $500! Like dude! Everyone here is already donating! When is it enough? I felt drawn to Catholicism and orthodox, but my girlfriend is agnostic as hell and we are planning on getting married soon (most likely outside of a church) which I’ve been told that in Catholicism and orthodoxy that will keep me out of heaven. Also the person that was a father figure to me transitioned about 10 years ago, and most churches will preach about how he will end up in hell. It hurts me, and pushes me away. I will be attending an Episcopal church this weekend and after watching this video I’m excited, but also nervous. Honestly, I just wanted to share my story, and let you know that I hear you! We hear you! You have trauma from your childhood. You are a good person, and a deep thinker. The people around you are so lucky to have you. You deserve to be happy.
This was an amazing video. Thank you for your vulnerability. I've been checking out your channel and I'm digging it. I'm a UCC pastor and hear you. Being raised Roman Catholic, I love the intellectualism of the mainline. Yet it seems that the choice is either ignorance on fire or intellect on ice. I feel called to try to create intellect on fire. I have had the dark night of the soul and the sweating it out nights, so we have that in common. Yet many of my colleagues and congregants haven't. And you're right... they are better people than I am. Thank you. Grace and peace.
From an Ex JW but still a believer in God (although a little lost) sending you love that you went through such painstaking relationship with God. I used to wonder what I should do but I now don’t believe it should be that hard. I just can’t take things on face value. I need to do what you did and over research no matter what. Anyway, I have PTSD from JWs. So working on turning down my intensity. You are not a shitty person. You are a beautiful person. I can tell you care no matter that you believe ❤
Watched some of your videos Jared, You are an amazing guy. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. I am glad you came out of that system of hate, fear and self worthlessness. You are not worthless and anyone or thing that would say so is an abusive tyrant. Christ is Community even if the Church seems to not think so in many cases. We are to be that interactive community not to guilt and shame people but to interact and get to know them and make each others lives a little better. Much love bud.
I've been really enjoying your content, man. You and I are very similar in so many ways, I feel like we would be great friends. Praying for you genuinely and earnestly.
Jared, I appreciate this more than you know. I've been a Christian for around 12 years now and my walk has been filled with backsliding and overthinking and fear of my salvation and just living with so much in my mind. I recently got plugged into Carl Jung's writings and works, and some of the reformers. I'm now a Presbyterian, loving traditional Protestantism and just learning to let go and give a lot of it to God. So much of this pressure and toil you speak of I resonate with. I'm trying to just let go and not have to have a position on everything and just love God as I am and just be in community and Be a Christlike person. I recently read emotionally healthy spirituality by Peter Scazzero and I've learned to be better at just existing and humbling myself before God, and loving as he does like so many of the earlier traditions do. this spoke to my heart, I hope you don't mind but you're in my prayers, Please never stop making content. PS I'm a metalhead so keep making me headbang!
I love your humility, dude! As a Christian with many controversial beliefs who doesn’t really know how to be a Christian anymore because of all the horseshit I see in mainstream Christianity, I deeply resonate with a lot of things you’re going through and are expressing as an atheist. I commend you! 🙏
I just love your videos especially as a Christian you seem to bring out more of a desire to really know what I know and to be better I don’t know how to explain it.
I havent related so much with an internet atheist in my entire time on the internet. I think we were the same as young christians where we took the faith so seriously that we questioned it almost too deeply or didnt have guidance as young christians to solidify some of the answers. I am also in the same bucket of "atheist who loves religion." I find christianity fascinating and the whole psychology behind it all deeply moving. I have sought out other churches and dabbled in the new Orthodox rising since I have some family roots in that as well. I read and continue to investigate it daily, really, and love the tradition. I can really see your pain and genuine feeling of loss. I feel the same thing often but in a less defined and tangible way compared to your saying the loss of christ specifically. I feel like an eternal seeker who can never really believe the same again. Bringing myself to truly believe in the ideology, the divine, etc is such a leap for my current mind. I just wanted to comment that youre not alone in the struggle of a post christian life of seeking!
Man, this was really quite touching. To use the Dostoevsky-ian phrase, you seem quite God-haunted and I hope that never goes away for you since it clearly motivates such introspection and a compassionate view of those still in the faith.
Sir, you are a wonderful person. This video reminded me of the words of St Seraphim of Sarov: “Acquire peace, and thousands around you will be saved.” I’m sorry religion brought you more anxiety than peace, but I hope and pray that you have peace now and always. Thank you for your videos, I hope you don’t mind my comment.
I'm a former evangelical minister, and lifelong devoted believer--a former "Jesus freak", if you will. This confession and "testimony" really touched me; you've articulated thoughts and feelings that I've barely been conscious of, but have been holding on to very deeply since I lost my faith. I'm not sure what to do with these feelings that I'm just newly aware of, but I'm grateful that you helped give voice to them. Thank you for sharing.
I am an Episcopalian and enjoyed this video. I like your comment about how it was "not Christ centered, but community centered." I think many churches have this trait and it can make a members growth challenging because it becomes more about your ability to be with others than to be like Jesus. Another weird thing for me as I always noticed the sign on my church that said "All Are Welcome," but I never really felt particularly welcome there. I think many people feel that disconnect as well.
The sleepless nights of God ignoring my prayers to change some immutable human characteristic of me and the hours trying to reconcile what the Bible said with what I was being taught really left a whole lot of pain when I realized I was raised by a lie and that my youth was taken from me. It's hard to deal with sometimes, but it can be comforting to know that I'm not alone in that experience.
I’m a former staff member of this church, and I think everyone there would be pleased to know that you experienced something uplifting, peaceful, and beautiful during your visit. The church environment should be able to do this for anyone, regardless of their background.
Yes. Christ Episcopal Church is in downtown Raleigh, North Carolina.
I grew up Jehovah's Witness, now agnostic/atheist
This video brought me to tears. I wish more Christians were like this
I see that the testimony of the youth presented the gentle light of Christ to the Auditor. You are doing your faith right there!
Hey David! :D
Where is this?
I was raised evangelical Protestant and later joined the Episcopal Church, so I understand the confusion and frustration. The hardest part for me to understand was that Episcopalians did and do take their religion as seriously as I did during my fundamentalist days- they just come to vastly different conclusions about the faith. It was a real shock to learn I could practice Christianity without the self-hatred and contempt, and that my years of beating myself up ultimately earned me nothing. Shifting my mindset to “restore my broken soul” to “love my neighbor” has been a journey. Thanks for your lovely video, as always!
As a member of the Assembly of God for 30 years I completely understand and feel the trauma. I started going to am episcopal church in 2017, and this comment perfectly describes my experience. The people are extremely devout and committed to community of the congregation and of the community at large, particularly the poor, marginalized and downtrodden. To your point about coming to a different realization, I think that is exactly right. Instead of feeling like I’m a worthless piece of crap and constantly trying to figure out God’s perfect will in every situation, I learned in the Episcopal church that I am God’s child and Christ’s sacrifice was enough. I can’t do anything to improve upon my relationship with God because he’s already done everything. Trying to ladder climb spiritually leads to frustration and either a sense of failure or unwarranted pride that leads to judgement of others.
I was raised evangelical (Salvation Army, yes they have Sunday services), but found my way into the Anglican tradition and am now going to be leaving seminary this December to be a curate at an Anglican Catholic Church parish. One of the things that shocked me most about Anglican/Episcopal culture is what you get in to here. The anxiety about performance falls away. In a beautiful way the liturgy allows me to be more Jesus focused than when I was constantly worried about whether or not I was Jesus focused.
I love watching this series, and I hope to be a priest/pastor that can serve the community faithfully and without imparting the anxiety we experienced growing up as Evangelicals. Your videos are an encouragement to this seminarian, thank you.
oh the starvation army, ive seen them in "charity" work, I cant imagine what their like in regular worship
Did not expect this what so ever. Thank you for your vulnerability. Don't know if I could share the same level of honesty if I were in your shoes so thank you
Hey man, THAT kind of honesty you just had is the start!
Thank you. This is really beautiful, honest, and reflective. I became an Episcopalian at age 26. I remember when I took my first position in the Episcopal Church as a youth minister--having been a teen and early adult in a tradition like the one you grew up in--I thought "wow these really nice people are paying me twice as much to do half the work." I'm a priest now. I serve a parish where the priest in your video once served. I can assure you he has always worked really hard. As have I. There's *plenty* of work. It's not the kind you see. It's about building consensus. tending the community, the buy in, the vision. Showing up at life milestones. Being present. And yes, making beautiful liturgy. We certainly aren't perfect. But we are really good at using our brains to avoid the mistake of becoming extremists. Your trauma is from extremism. It's not that those young people "don't care that much." It's that they were never called upon to be extremists. You were so wise and insightful to call it jealousy. That is the word. I had it too. The people who hurt you were probably doing their honest best, but you are an adult and are free to start over where you feel comfortable and inspired.
I became Episcopalian when i realized there must be some way to be Christian and not have it turn into a toxic, abusive mess.
Hi Jared, loved this video. You were being super hard on yourself ... but I feel for you all the more for that. I am an Episcopalian in Scotland with a strong Pentecostal bent. There is is so much beauty in intertwining the two. God bless you brother!
As one of the ladies with the chalice and the little rags (it's called a purificator, lol), I'm glad you had a positive experience taking the Eucharist. I came from a more complicated, reformed background before finding the Episcopal church, and the lack of anxiety is so refreshing. If you start from the point of Jesus's got you covered, and we can't truly comprehend the breadth and depth of the divine, and everything you do is in gratitude for that grace, it can lead to a lot of relief from some of that anxiety about sin and damnation that I personally found really refreshing.
100%. The rector of my church has a few times said something to the effect of "In love, Christ died for us to live, so live in love, not fearing death." which sums it up very well to me.
Thank you. That helps me too, can you tell me how often you have the holy Eucharist? I miss that so much. But do you have to stand in a line in front of the rest of the onlooking church to wait to get it or is it passed around as you’re seated? I don’t like standing out like a sore thumb. It’s not vanity, it’s lack of confidence (shyness) since ive been so debased and shot down by abusive religions. Thank you. ❤
Thanks Jarrod for going to visit the Episcopal Church. I've been attending an Episcopal Church for about two and a half months now. I've really been enjoying it a lot.
You are probably the most self-aware atheist I've seen. It's refreshing.
Most self-aware person is more like it.
It doesn’t sound like you have actually talked to many atheists, certainly not enough to claim to know them personally.
Anyway, if only there were more self aware Christians…
Appreciate your authenticity and perspective. I was Episcopalian about 20 years. The music is gorgeous, unparalleled. All that time I wanted to be closer to Jesus but it didn’t happen. Homilies were like college lectures. The pomp a bit performative.
Now that you point it out, I agree with you, there’s no rigor, no fire.
I can tell you suffered abuse because you think you’re a horrible person. But you’re clearly not a horrible person. You’re gracious, genuine, thoughtful and funny. Of course you have a dark side, everyone does
Thank you for this video. I love your work! I am a proud son of the Eastern Orthodox Church, the Church of Antioch (Syrian), and I attend an Anglo Catholic Episcopal church that I absolutely love. It is truly a "hospital for the soul" and one of a few Western liturgies that doesn’t silently compel me to want to Byzantine-ize it. I'm also a gay man, my husband is Shi'a Ismaili Muslim, and after decades of struggling with religious trauma, I have found in my particular Episcopal Church a home in which to worship Jesus without forfeiting tradition, beauty, and rich liturgy.
My heart hurts with you. You aren't alone in this. As a former atheist, I totally relate to being off-put by the hypocrisy, abuse, idolatry and the indifferent ease with which some approach "church" as just another social club. Being an artist who sensitively and critically thinks can seem like a lonely path of truth-seeking contemplation and zealous frustration. And you know what? That's okay. Years ago, after a big nasty "church hurt", I almost left the Faith, backsliding in an EPIC, prodigal way. God NEVER leaves us, but His sovereignty provides us the gift of choice. The best advice I ever heard from someone was this: "Don't let people ruin God for you." When I started searching for God in His Word, instead of looking for Him in people, (including myself), in commentaries and in "church" denominations; shackles of disgruntled disillusionment started to fall off. Now, an eagerness to go back to Christ Jesus' church's biblical beginnings has me super motivated. It's all a process my friend, different for every precious & loved soul. Prayers of reconciliation and peace continue for you. 🕊
Extremely extremely powerful video. I’m Episcopalian, former Catholic, so it was really great getting to hear your perspective on my denomination!
In this video you alluded to your upbringing a *ton* - I think we would all love to see a video like “Jesus was my world - until he wasn’t (atheist perspective” 🙏 something like that where we can get your story! I know it would be super super insightful
The end of this video made me cry too! 😭😭 I'm so sorry you went through that. 😭😭
Me too!
As an Episcopalian, we do take it *seriously*, but we don't take it *harshly*. It is not an unserious approach to faith. It's gentle, warm - nourishing rather than crushing - approach to faith. Less feverish, less angry, less paranoid. Safe. Gentle. I keep coming back to that word, but for me it's one of the best this about Episcopalianism: it is a serious, but very gentle, way of doing Christianity.
if someone comes to you for forgiveness, and you hit them, there gonna stop going to you
I get this...!! I grew Up Mormon and we had to be worthy all the time during my youth. Worthy to pass the sacrament worthy to go on a mission worthy to go to the Temple. We had to confess our sins to a bishop and he would discipline us according to the severity of the sin. No sacrament, cant participate for a few weeks or months. can't go to the Holy temple. Or when bad its a huge disciplinary council with Men who judge you and throw spiritually roccks at you shame you humble then show love at the end when your crying... Then I met some Christian friends who were so GOOD!! I was so jealous of them. They didn't have all this pressure to be prefect and obedient. They came to Christ on their own they decidided to be good cuz it was the right thing to do. No bishop or people with a spiritual pitch fork pressuring you to do the right thing.
Could you tell me more? I did not know this. Is it an off-shoot of Catholicism? I liked the ritual and the old medieval (?) style of worship, but without the hell and everything you do is a sin, of the Catholic Church. I like choirs, as I grew up Catholic and being in a Latin singing choir. Are there nuns? Tell me more if you are able. They are called “Episcopal” churches? Why? Because of Epistles? Thank you. ❤
@christinesotelo7655 It is Anglicanism. Episcopalian means 'having bishops', and it was a way for Anglicans to distinguish themselves from other churches that came out of the English and Scottish reformations, such as the Presbyterians. The Anglican Communion is a global communion of autonomous national churches that trace their descent from the English reformation and the Church of England. Episcopalian and Anglican are basically synonyms, although 'Episcopalian' is more widely used in the USA and 'Anglican' in the Commonwealth.
@ Thank you kindly. I appreciate the explanation.
As a moderate Episcopalian, who grew up in a very conservative denomination, I can say that, when someone is trying to "save themselves" they worry about every tiny detail of their life. When you realize that Christ has done all the work for you, and you are called to Love God, and your Neighbor as yourself, you are free to dwell in the arms of the Savior. Furthermore, most Fundamentalist, Evangelical churches have only been around since the 1800s. The Episcopal Church, as an offshoot of the Church of England, has been around since St. Augustine of Canterbury was sent as the Apostle to the English by Pope Gregory the Great in 597 A.D.
And there even may be a whiff or two of the old British Church mixed in.....wouldnt you say twofoursix?
CofE or Church of England has a Catholic history going back, but in truth, it's beginning was in 1534 when King Henry VIII divorced Rome. 🎉
@@trilithon108 There were Christians in Britain before Augustine of Canterbury.
@@kevinmorgan8534very true. The Anglican belief in its own apostolic validity depends more on them than Augustine. If they had to depend on a missionary from the Pope for their authority source there’d be a much bigger contradiction in their beliefs
@@minui8758what do you mean by ‘more’ of a contradiction?
Episcopalian here. I think your words were very moving, both beautiful and sad at the same time. I just want to say that I disagree that we don't take our religion seriously, because we do. For me at least, being an Episcopalian means that we try really hard to love our neighbor as ourselves and we try really hard to not judge others. I hope you find peace, sir.
Dude I respect the struggle. I loved the line where you said how can these people go about the service and not give a damn about figuring out what they ought to do and ought not to do. Sounds like you are genuinely seeking the truth. This was so relatable.
A book I might recommend is called the Mountain of Silence. The basic premise is a journalist goes to Mount Athos and meets a monk and starts asking him very difficult questions about faith. Sounds like something you might enjoy.
Yes, it's a good book to read
I agree.
@@Alexander-Herman Silence is also a pretty good book, though I preferred the film adaptation a little more.
that's a great book. 100% recommend
I was thinking you're retarded but God helped me bit here and I focused the necessary word can , "How are supposed Christians claiming to follow God, not give attendance to what the Christian Should Ought to do as God intends, and what you ought Not to do, Morality of Christ, if you a christian don't care, its hard not to see you with contempt" so therefore these people are simply not following christ, not christians.
I vacillate between being an Episcopalian, being an atheist, both while being committed to practicing Zen Buddhism. Glad you had a good experience; I always do at my Episcopal church when I go. The cloth used to wipe the chalice is called a “purificator” and the wine is usually good because (at least at my parish) they use higher-alcohol content wine, which is considered to be somewhat germ-killing. The community there is amazing and most truly try to live out the mission callings they’ve discerned for for themselves. Mostly feeding the hungry, welcoming undocumented migrants and advocating for them, nurturing the kids in the parish, visiting the sick and elderly, etc. They also won’t bat an eye when I tell someone there I’m “basically an atheist”. Still, the liturgy, art & music are beautiful, the way people treat each other even more so. When I do go it always brings me peace, and I’ve learned to just accept that. I do carry a lot of religious trauma from earlier in my non-Episcopalian, non-atheist life, and somehow participating in that parish community helps me recover from that damage. No demands from them, just open arms and patient, listening hearts.
As a former evangelical I can relate. Those of us who grew up in fundamentalist denominations that rely on spiritual abuse see that as “true Christianity” just like an adult who was abused as a child might see a parent beating their child as “true parenting”, and then get angry when gentle parents raise better behaved children.
That explains a lot actually
“Fundamentalists” don’t even follow scriptures. It’s just a giant grift to take money and control people, run by narcissists.
For example, Genesis 12:3, most fundies say means we have to support that war machine overseas and never criticize. Yet the entire Galatians 3 clearly explains what that one verse was about. “Fundies” adopted this heresy back in the 20th century because of world events and it made them sound credible when talking about prophecy, hence drawing more people in. But I see it as just a grift.
In my experience, parents who beat their kids and gentle parents are both capable of raising terrible kids 😭
Good observation and analogy 👍 🎉
I’m Episcopalian, and many people at my church became Episcopalian, coming from other denominations that were controlling. Many of us have had the same feelings you’ve had before joining the Episcopal Church- many of us have been unsure and have questioned if what we were doing is “enough”. Our path just led to a different place than yours did, and both paths are equally important and good
Just found your account through Reddit. I have recently left a high demand “religion” (though many would call it a cult) and I too experienced a lot of the pressure you described from your experience.
I recently started attending a local Episcopalian parish that is small, and the services have been so refreshing and so restorative to my soul and my relationship with church attendance and God and Jesus. I have also felt tremendous love and goodness in the services I have attended.
Good luck to you in your search for healing. I’m walking my own journey with you. Thanks for this lovely video.
The Episcopalians have been helping me lately too. Particularly, the nonprofit ministry Mockingbird. We live in a country that is over-churched and under-graced. Holiness, faith, assurance - it's all gift and I can't Bible study my way into a gift. Thanks for making this video.
As a cradle Southern Baptist who ended up in the Episcopalian fold… God, this spoke to me. I’ve been back home with my dad a fair part of this summer to help him take care of my mom through her illness and death. While I’ve been here, I’ve gone with him to the church I grew up in (and have avoided since college) to support him. And it’s been such a burden. There’s no room for being human. You’re taught from an early age that you’re bad and every thought you have is bad. You can only think one way, act one way, live one way. Sermons focus on getting saved and what heaven is going to be like. This past Sunday, they showed a video about a pregnancy clinic the church supports and the biggest applause line was about how about 400 women are saved every year there. Really? That’s all it’s about - dunking them and shoving them through the gates of heaven so you get a nice tally? That’s how I was raised to live and I can’t stand to be around it now. Every single word at Mom’s funeral that was meant to be comforting - mostly literal readings of passages from Revelation - rang hollow for me. That’s not even to mention how half the sermon was a salvation crusade.
Clearly I need to talk with somebody about all this. lol It’s a lot. I can’t wait to be in a place where I can be a fully fleshed-out person again, not someone with a very specific religious checklist to adhere to at all times. I hated myself for years because of the standards I could never live up to.
Hey Ben, you are a good person, and that's good enough.
Im lds, former atheist. I often question my sanity in practicing my faith. I just want to say this is the most genuine piece of content I have seen. I dont know the exact pain you feel having the foundation of your crumble under you, but I would like to understand. For context, two of the greatest disappointments in my life were my mission and my marriage to my wife. I use the word greatest there intentionally with more than one meaning. If that experience interests you or could help let me know. Otherwise thank you for letting me, a total stranger, see you.
Ps I have no idea how to actually get ahold of someone in youtube or if you will even see this comment, considering this video is 5 months old at this point.
3:23 No greeting is disappointing, but not surprising. Episcopalianism: is church for introverts
I don’t remember the name of the Saint. And google has been of no help. But an Orthodox Saint once said something along the lines of “it is the nature of demons to fall and stay fallen. The nature of angels to never fall. And the nature of man to fall and get back up again”
I guess that makes me a demon. 😅
Thank you for making this video. Your channel is my new favorite. I left Fundamentalist Christianity many years ago and have found a home in a mainline tradition for all the reasons you cited. I deeply appreciate the authenticity you infuse your videos with. Can’t wait for the next one!
I also don’t think you’re a shitty person at all. From what I can gather from your videos, you seem like a deeply empathic person.
I am an atheist but whenever I'm traveling I always go to church. I went to a service in Westminster Abbey that brought tears to my eyes! I felt like God was breathing on me when I was in Notre Dame cathedral during Mass! It's always such an intense experience. I am an atheist, but I understand why people go to church. It's quite good sometimes.
Jesus Christ my dude the way you’re absolutely a master at communicating and making what you have to say, be personal. I- first time I’m in your channel and I absolutely love it. Your last phrase before signing off? Yeah take a knife to my heart bc I felt the pain
You've done me again! I find some of your videos really moving, it brought me to tears. As an exjw, i didn't have to worry about a lot of the things you mentioned because we weretold exactly what we should think/feel/act, but what had me was the whole living without faith, going from faith to faithless. It's tough, really tough. Stay strong! Your videos are amazing!!!
Hey Brother, it's me again. Watched another video and your willingness to lay it all out and be vulnerable about your experiences is truly humbling and remarkable. And as I've said before, much love to you. Seriously, my heart cries out with yours when I saw the pain in your words. I pray with all my heart that you may find that joy you once had without the immense struggle that came with your previous experiences. Life is a struggle. Sin is a struggle, but through Christ and the communion of the Church, we struggle back and live the best lives we can. We aren't meant to go through this by ourselves because that is such a lonely walk. I hope your videos inspire others that don't go to church, to go to church. But also I hope it brings with it encouragement from others as you go through this task we call life. If I was in your area, I'd shake your hand, I'd hug you, heck I'd get you some grub and have a chat about everything from life, theology, to our mutual love for heavy metal. God bless you, Jared! You'll be seeing me around!
I find your deliberations fascinating as a Christian. I absolutely love your humor too. I hope you continue with this series
This channel is amazing, man. Really, the content is so unique: funny, insightful, personal. It's so up my alley, it's ridiculous. Thanks for making these videos.
Coming from a current evangelical who’s wrestled with a lot of doubt / deconstruction stuff and is still working it out: this was beautiful and deeply moving. I felt that ending-had me in tears. God bless
Watching the end of this video kinda healed something for me. Having been fully IN something, and then coming out of it… there’s something lost. Even if it was something that I no longer believe was real, the loss is real.
They are absolutely not better people than you are, they were just raised in a healthier environment, and their lives, their thoughts, and their relationships with god are different because of that. That’s not a choice that either of you made, it was made for you by the people who raised you.
I absolutely relate to this feeling. It’s the feeling I get when I meet well adjusted people raised in healthy, whole, non-abusive families. I can’t help but feel jealousy, longing for what my life could have been like if my circumstances had been different. Then I feel guilt for feeling that jealousy.
From a fellow eastern North Carolinian, please don’t be so hard on yourself. We are all simply doing the best we can with the cards we’ve been dealt. ❤
Brother... the pain that comes from you man... holy crap is sooo real. I felt it bro, its so heavy... I'm a man of faith, I'm LDS. And I see many who step away from the faith and I have been on a journey to know why. Listening to you is somewhat helping me paint a picture as to why that is. I don't wish to overstep because I don't know you. But I wish to continue to learn from you. I will also add that God is aware of who you are and what you're going through and a personal level.... and knows you by name. And even though we all fall short.... You are no more precious to God than those in this wonderful church you visited. Keep it up! I love your content!
Late to the party, and Im sure this will not be a popular take, but you might consider attending an ACNA or Continuing Anglican parish. Great video. Subscribed
Amazed at the vulnerability here. I have struggled off and on with scrupulosity, a form of religious OCD which can be debilitatingly fixated on morality, salvation, and fear. I found peace in the Anglican faith. Though I no longer live near any congregations, I have stayed in the mainline and am far more profoundly peaceful and happy than I ever was in the non-denominational, highly political world.
Something you said in a video on orthodoxy has really stuck with me; it’s not about “you.” There really is true peace to be found in that. When the worship is not about us, our faults or strengths, our striving and fears…but rather about God, His sovereignty, and this ancient liturgy and faith that exists outside of us, there is a spiritual freedom to be found.
Loving this project, and increasingly impressed by your output. Criminally under-viewed channel!
Happy to hear how the church has helped you! Which mainline denomination did you end up staying in? After a long journey, I too have narrowed down my search to the mainline, and I’m leaning towards Episcopalian or UMC.
@@FriarJoe66 I am Presbyterian now, with hopes of being Anglican again when I move in a few years. I practice Anglican liturgy and prayer at home, which scratches the itch for now. As a lover of history and classical music, once I moved from a nondenominational service to high church liturgy there was really no going back!
@@oliviacrocker6379 I agree!! I’m actually an in-process history major myself haha, I grew up in a pretty low-church congregation of the UMC so I’ve been trying to find high-church congregations in that denomination. Im always curious as to the differences between high-church Methodists and Episcopalians.
@@FriarJoe66 I hope you find what you’re looking for!
I have suffered from something very similar. Did you also grow up Catholic?
I found your channel this weekend and have been watching video after video as I cleaned my house. This was by far the most impactful, honest and meaningful one because of how you laid everything bare. It takes courage to do that one on one, let alone to thousands of strangers, thank you for what you do and keep making videos. My name is Noah, I'm a Christian, go to Church.
Dude you totally preached to me, 7:40 I have to thank you. Much love and care!
an Orthodox christian
Tried posting this recently but it looks like it didn't go through...trying again.
Hi Jared, I’ve watched a few of your videos and I find them very fascinating. Thanks for taking the time and effort to do what you’re doing. You are smart and sincere and insightful, and I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I grew up in a nominal Catholic family, went to church every Sunday but it was just a cultural/traditional thing mostly. I got into porn from a young age, lived a hedonistic worldly lifestyle in my teens, and got saved when I was 19 after a long journey seeking for truth. Now I’m in my early thirties, I have a wonderful wife and children.
In recent years I’ve been going through some serious seasons of maturing and reflection and sobriety, deep waters for sure. I am a highly analytical person like you so I can relate to much of what you described in this video. In fact I’m still working through much of it right now. Do I have it all right? Does my church have it all right? How do I get it all right? Do I have to get it all right? Is my relationship with God not real unless I get it all right? All right in terms of doctrine, understanding, service, evangelism, devotion, etc. Should I be street preaching in the busiest part of town? Why am I not doing that? What does God want me to do with my life/career? What does God want me to do today? The reality of eternity and hell has been overwhelmingly serious at times. That’s a small sample of my last few years. Lots of religious anxiety I guess you could call it. Why are God’s expectations of me so high when he says his yoke is easy and his burden is light? Friend, the burden has felt crushing at times, not easy and light. Plus the immense and increasing responsibilities of raising children and career decisions. Plus all the ways I feel unequipped and inadequate to handle everything. A handful of times in the last few years I just wanted to die and basically asked God to get it done. I’ve uttered the words, certainly in my heart and I think audibly more than once, that “I can’t/I don’t want to be a Christian anymore, it’s too hard” or something to that extent. But as much as my mind and flesh (and soul?) want to escape, I know in my heart and spirit that there’s no going back, not in an ominous kind of way, just in a “this is reality” kind of way.
So here I am. Can I deny the obvious reality of God that I believed in even before I was saved? Can I deny the historical life, death, and resurrection of Jesus? Can I deny how’s he changed me and the sins he’s saved me from? No, I can’t. “To whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.”
I felt compelled to share this because I thought it might help you in some way. Actually I woke up wide awake and very thirsty at 3am so I took my carton of pineapple coconut water and got going on TH-cam. So it’s now 5am as I write this on my phone lol. (update now 7am).
So, all that to say I think I can relate with the striving, the anxiety, the desire to do it right and be all for God. And I really do appreciate your struggle.
I want to say something else too because this is what I’ve discerned from watching maybe 4 or 5 of your videos. You’ve said something like “it’s not like I did xyz because I wanted to have a bunch of sex (don’t get me wrong, I DID want to have sex)” and in a another video “it’s wasn’t just that I woke up one morning and realized I wanted to have premarital sex (big smirk)” and in this video you mentioned being hungover. Honestly, I’m getting nervous even writing this as if I’m just about to have a challenging discussion with a close friend having to rebuke or correct them (not that I do that regularly), and this may seem overly simplistic to your analytical mind, but you remind me of the prodigal son. Maybe your intense struggling and questioning made you vulnerable…as you drifted from enjoying God and loving him and trusting him into a more anxiety and doubt filled formulaic “relationship”, the pleasures of sin for a season became increasingly alluring and you made the escape into the world - although your current TH-cam channel definitely makes it seem like you wanted to keep a foot or at least a few toes in your Christian life.
Here’s where I think our situations differ (I’m assuming because I don’t know your whole story). I had my season in the world. I watched a lot of increasingly extreme and deviant porn, I had premarital sex, I smoked a lot of weed, I partied, I watched/played countless hours of TV and video games, I drank energy drinks (side note: watch out for caffeine, it is indeed a powerful drug and can stimulate fleshly desires). You wanna talk about dopamine? Yeah I used up a life’s supply in like 10 years. I’m assuming from what I can discern that you did not have a similar experience.
Maybe that’s one reason why, although our struggles and experiences sound similar, I remain a Christian and you have seemingly rejected the faith and embraced the world. For me, how could I go back to my own vomit? I know it’s empty in the end, I know how fake it is, how temporary it is. I’ve seen it all pretty much. Forsaking God for that? Jer 2:13 - “for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” And John 4…the water the world offers me will leave me thirsting again. It will leave you thirsting again. Have you experienced that yet, or is it too soon?
Jared, I just started watching your videos like a day or two ago and here I am writing this comment for many hours in the middle of the night. The sheer rarity of something like this in my life shows me that God is working here and he wanted me to write this and he wanted someone to read this. Maybe it’s for you, maybe for a random comment reader.
On the one hand you seem very presentable, smart, refined, and respectable. But I see something else as well…go back and watch your video “I Was Never A Real Christian” starting at 4:37 when you make that comment about premarital sex. You have that smirk, that glimmer in your eye…there’s something true and deep revealing itself there. To be honest, I see sin there. I see lust. I see pride. Friend, I see my old self there. You need to repent. You’re running towards sexual immorality when God says to flee it. Then right after when you say “it was a long, painful process” it seems a bit like you’re putting a persona back on, there’s something insincere happening there.
Jared, you are very handsome, smart, funny, witty…I get it, I understand the desires. And it’s easier than ever to find promiscuous women. I do wonder though how often and to what extent desire and lust for sin and “freedom” are covered in veils of intellectual rigour and honesty. I do believe many people reject God because they don’t want to obey him, full stop. This is the core of our rebellious, sinful nature. Whether this applies to you or not, only you truly know. I am only sharing what I am discerning.
Back to my struggles, one thing I’ve come to realize is that at a certain point, doubts and fears and questionings become sinful when they replace trust and faith in God. Leaning on my own understanding, trying to figure everything out, not believing various truths and promises that God reveals regarding his love and peace and rest…recipe for disaster. God allows trials into our lives to deepen our experience and faith and our trust in him. You might enjoy a book called “Just Do Something”, I’ve only listened to part of it but I think it would be up your alley. One thing he discusses is how we obsess about every little detail in a spiritual way more than previous generations.
Bonus apologetic question: how do you explain the fact that the disciples were willing to die for the claim that Jesus is the resurrected Son of God? I’m sure they had many opportunities to recant. After the crucifixion, they went from being cowards and doubters to suddenly being very bold missionaries and ultimately martyrs that completely transformed the world forever. Who would die for something they know is a lie? What would convince them so utterly other than seeing and interacting with the resurrected Christ as recorded in the scriptures? I’ve never heard a plausible alternative explanation. I believe this is the single most powerful evidence for the reality and resurrection of Christ, seeing as how his existence, crucifixion, burial, and empty tomb are accepted historical facts.
God bless you Jared, and anyone else who reads this very long comment. May God bless you all, AMEN.
Just found this channel. Love the authenticity.
It's beautiful to see you publicly sharing your struggles. I can hear the pain. Your upbringing was very similar to mine, although I was a Mormon. I grew up with that same fear. I was terrified of dying at the "wrong time", like God was trying to catch me mid-sin and that would be it. I had extreme anxiety, mixed with those manic, ecstatic times that always felt like the "spiritual high" that I wanted all the time.
Looking back, I realize how self-oriented my worship was, and how transactional my relationship with God was. I left it all behind when I was 25, and only came back to Christ at the age of 43. I had a lot of anger and bitterness, similar to what you are expressing.
I had a very materialist view of God, assuming there was a "natural world" and a "supernatural world", and that there wasn't a lot of intermingling of the two. I saw this world as evil and broken and fallen, and had no sense of hope. I considered myself a Deist (believing God had set things in motion, then left us to our own devices), but eventually was persuaded by the New Atheist arguments. And I was so, so bitter.
What happened to me is that my marriage was on the brink of divorce, and my daughter and I barely spoke. I was heartbroken and I realized I could not figure things out on my own. I had tried everything and nothing had worked. Well, I tried everything except Christ (again, but way different this time). I had heard some about Orthodoxy at that point, and decided that I was going to an Orthodox Divine Liturgy that weekend. I invited my wife and my daughter and they both came with me. That was almost five years ago.
My life has been completely transformed, but it has nothing to do with scrupulosity. It has everything to do with standing in Divine Liturgy, and standing in prayer at home, and being healed. I have learned that prayer isn't a time for extemporaneous speeches and wish lists. For us, prayer is being aware of the presence of God. Standing in stillness is more prayerful than speaking many words.
I did get lulled in by a tradition, and that is where I met Christ. The whole Divine Liturgy is centered on Christ, and all of the symbolism, all the components of traditional, liturgical worship participate in the worship of God.
What has happened is that my view of the world is becoming more and more sacramental all the time. Christ brought Paradise back to our world by taking on our nature and healing it. And we can begin to participate in Paradise here, quietly, in prayer, filled with gratitude for God's mercy, while we are still mindful of our completely broken nature.
May God bless your struggles. I love your channel.
He is not struggling…he is an atheist. He has done the research and decided, through Critical Thinking, that it works for him.
Listening to the end of this video it sounds like he’s missing something, but the trauma of what he experienced as a Christian is creating a buffer between him and God. I don’t think he would say “Jesus was my everything, don’t loose it” if he just was on a critical thinking path.
What a beautiful talk. Such honesty and heart. Be careful of comparing yourself to others. "Compare and despair," we say. Everyone suffers. We'll never know how much. You are on a journey, your own journey-different from others. Clearly, God has his finger on you; leading you. It's hard to glory in tribulations such as yours, but someday you will.
What you said about Christ being your everything and the you hope we never feel the pain of losing Him, made me tear up. I just want to give you a hug man.
Something is telling me (hopefully the Holy Spirit) that God is not done with you yet. I pray for the day that you come back to Christ's open arms.
God bless you and what you do, brother.
Hi Heliocentric,
I am a Christian but I wanted to say that I relate strongly to the agony you felt. I was diagnosed with scrupulosity OCD by a psychologist. I used to be so afraid of falling asleep at night because I was scared I would die in my sleep and wake up in hell. I only wore dresses for a time because I was convinced that it was sinful for a woman to wear pants. I wouldn’t take communion because I was afraid I was taking it unworthily and heaping judgment on myself. I avoided reading the Bible because I knew it would trigger my OCD, but then I felt guilty for not reading it. All that to say, I know how you have felt. ❤ I know that God is more gracious than my anxieties have led me to believe, though.
I also suffered from scrupulosity before I came to TEC and 12 step spirituality. I hope our friend finds a way back.
Jared, I'm still a Christian and I just wanted to tell you that I love you and my heart goes out to you for everything you've been through with your previous church experience. I enjoy watching your reviews of churches, that's the honest truth. I am genuinely praying for you. ❤🩹
Your prayers are warmly welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Thanks so much for being here.
@@HeliocentricOfficial My heart goes out to you, Jared! Praying for you as well.
(PS: and thank you for being an atheist who knows more Church history and Church Fathers than many believers, lol)
@@HeliocentricOfficial wow- I wonder if what you felt is something like grief. I am an old geezer pastor, I was raised in fundamentalism, moved to a kind of neo-evangelicalism in the 70’s through most of my life and now don’t really embrace any label. I deeply regret how judgmental I was of people who were not part of my “tribe”. I have come to understand that people like those high-schoolers in this video and who back in the day I would have felt needed to get saved, just have a different way of expressing devotion and living out what it means to be a Jesus person. Maybe a better and healthier way. I learned that the stuff I worried about, activities I avoided and worldly friends I gave up - this did not make me a better Christian. Living for the sake of others, welcoming sinners and eating with them, has now become what it means to live the Jesus way for me. I bet these kids learned this in their church. I experience grief over the painful striving of my earlier ways. If grief is what you felt- just let it come.
Jared. So moved by your vulnerability, skill at expressing yourself both technically and in the powerful way you communicate. The end of this video is so powerful. There is a maturity in your pain that comes through and a generosity in the way you make room in your experience for the experience of others. When I told my son about your channel, he said he was already a subscriber and he LOVES your work (he is a popular youtuber of the gaming variety). I don't want to put a bunch more words in this comment. I want to sit silently with you across this electronic distance and just make a space for your voice in my mind and simply appreciate it. So, thank you.
The ending comments were powerful. My gut reaction to it without overthinking it is that you really love Jesus. Plain and simple.
I grew up as a Protestant and converted to Eastern Orthodoxy (with a brief detour into Native American spirituality) when I was about 42 just as an FYI.
I talked to my priest and asked if I could still join the church even though I often struggled with the idea that God might not even be real. I was shocked when he said that was fine and that anyone who says they never doubt is a liar.
I grew up Episcopal, and I remember one time my mom took us to this "multi-denominational" Christian day camp held in the next town over. Me and my family were so weirded out because the people there were strict evangelicals. We tried to join a group of kids all listening to music but they were all bragging because all they listened to was Christian music. Our CD binders full of our "music of the world" didn't go over well. Around the time they put on a play about how premarital relations and gayness led to horrible gory deaths and torment in Hell was when my parents decided to pull the plug on the whole day and get us out of there. Got a long talk about how that's not what our church believes and about how hate is not how you should walk with God. Even though my own religious studies led me to atheism in the end, I have no ill will towards the church nor do I have the trauma that so many others have from strict religious sects and I will be always grateful for that.
I grew up Southern Baptist, and they used to take us, mainly middle and high school kids, to these things around Halloween called Hell House. It was basically to scare the hell (literally lol) out of us to not have sex, or drink, or whatever. Google Hell House and you'll see how insane it is. I am still a christian, but go to a reformed, non fundamentalist church. I would never, ever, take my kids to something like that. It's ridiculous, and a way to "scare kids into salvation".
I love you, man. I'm glad I found your channel. I live in the Wilmington area and look forward to walking in your steps and visit some of these places you've visited. Thank you for keeping it real and vulnerable. You are seen.
6:25 to 15:25... All those efforts and struggles... It reminds me my early christianity. In 1994 I went throw what you expressed in 15:04 - 15:18... But I returned to Christian Faith, broken, sceptical, with trust issues, but returned.
Recently I joint the Eastern Orthodox Church where I'm not trying to be useful, not trying to be in all king of ministries, save people and impress God, but just enjoying the ancient Christianity with all is beauty and theological depth, and recovering from all the spiritual trauma I experienced in neoprotestant circles.
Your analysis resonates with me.
I'm 66, and a late in life convert to Eastern Orthodoxy (Antiochian) from evangelical Protestantism. That world is long in my rear view mirror, yet its ugly reminders still pop up occasionally (fortunately less and less with time).
Love from the copts
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Dude I’m in the process of examining evangelicalism and Protestantism overall. Too much spiritual abuse is right. As soon as I joined a fundamentalist church I felt so burdened by their demands and guilt trip that I’m not good because I don’t attend enough, and before you know it you’re there 5x a week, exhausted, burned out, and nobody cares. They say give up your money, things, friends, hobbies, etc. But then the worst people are the ones with best attendance. The covert narcissists that totally lack empathy, the ones that discourage and abuse, the ones that hate Palestinians, the ones that murder (yes another similar church had a psychopath killer with perfect attendance and even went to their Bible college), etc. I noticed people looked sharp and great on the outside but still fundamentally immature on the inside, emotionally and psychologically (insecurities, superiority/inferiority complexes, etc).
Now I question if it’s nothing more than a grift. Looking at the history of evangelicalism it looks as though they picked their doctrines to draw in conservatives and take their money or control them.
They embrace:
- Decadence (Once save always saved, predestination, pre-trib rapture, etc.)
- Narcissism (see the founders of denominations, many were cult leaders and one man popes like Jack Hyles)
- Zionism (single hand idly destroying Christendom by supporting and enabling anti-Christs that push prn, abortion, etc.)
- Superficial (abandoning Eucharist, confession, quiet contemplation, monasticism, fasting, etc.)
- Control (tithing, guilt volunteerism, separation, “we’re the best”, “we know everything”, “Catholics bad”, etc.)
I'm a Christian from a fundamentalist tradition (Jack Hyles-style independent Baptist background, if not quite the same level), and I've been considering where I'm going to go next when I finally gather the strength to leave the church I grew up in.
I'm very drawn to the liturgy and older traditions, but also drawn to progressive Christianity and a less insane theology... so naturally Episcopalians are high on my list of places to try out. This video really hit me hard, because I know exactly what you're talking about, and I want my kids to grow up without the heavy burdens which I've been raised with.
Most people have said what I would say already. As someone who came from an evangelical denomination and took my faith as seriously as you describe, I just want to say: I'm sorry. I'm sorry the Church has hurt you, and I hope you are able to continue to work through that pain to become who you truly are. Thank you for sharing your story and experience.
wow found this channel tonight had a flick through, as a metal head and someone who recently joined the orthodox church these videos are absolutley amazing
I get this...!! I grew Up Mormon and we had to be worthy all the time during my youth. Worthy to pass the sacrament worthy to go on a mission worthy to go to the Temple. We had to confess our sins to a bishop and he would discipline us according to the severity of the sin. No sacrament, cant participate for a few weeks or months. can't go to the Holy temple. Or when bad its a huge disciplinary council with Men who judge you and throw spiritually roccks at you shame you humble then show love at the end when your crying... Then I met some Christian friends who were so GOOD!! I was so jealous of them. They didn't have all this pressure to be prefect and obedient. They came to Christ on their own they decidided to be good cuz it was the right thing to do. No bishop or people with a spiritual pitch fork pressuring you to do the right thing.
I have so much respect for you for saying what you did and posting it on TH-cam. That took a lot of guts and I couldn’t have said it better myself. God Bless
Your commentary was stunning and very thought provoking. I could relate - it really pulled me in. Thank you!
This week I listened to Ulcerate, Immortal, Agaloch and Electric Wizard, yet THAT ending, my dude, is the heaviest thing I have heard all week. Much respect.
Episcopalian here! I'm glad you had a good experience. I was raised Mormon and can relate to a lot of what you said about how you grew up. I know the pain is very real and very deep. You got a lot of people saying "we do take our faith seriously" which, while I agree, I think is just coming down to semantics. Scrupulosity being different than seriousness and all that. But I hope regardless of where your life takes you you can find self acceptance and love
Those last few seconds... And I really mean this well and in an uplifting way when I reference that story of the two sets of footprints in the desert...
Also: "shall never leave you nor forsake you"...
I'm Eastern Orthodox, currently kicking around the idea of exploring an Episcopal Church. I found your video touching, I was an atheist for many years.
I really appreciate your candor and emotion in this video. I know this doesn't add anything to the conversation I just felt the need to say something because your video struck me as highly authentic and quite touching.
I had tears at the end of this video for you. Your grief feels so honest and genuine. As a believer, I really hope I don't ever lose my faith because I know I would be so heartbroken and lost. Although I know you are set in your beliefs, it seems you still leave room for God to show you something to believe in again. Respect for just being curious and also being so vulnerable in your struggles because faith really is hard sometimes, even if you don't believe in it.
Thank you that is my church. Now I have a better understanding why my experience in church is so different then some of these other churches.
I can relate to much of what you said here. I joined the Episcopal Church after I left the non-instrumental Church of Christ. It was very difficult for me to process that there were people who took their faith very seriously, for whom it was the centerpiece of their lives, yet there wasn’t the struggle that I had faced being raised in a fundamentalist tradition. I definitely felt a sense of jealousy, as you mentioned, but I also learned from them ways in which a genuine faith didn’t have to be traumatic. Life-changing, challenging, yes. But not traumatic.
Thank you for caring so much about the church and being so open about your struggles. It’s genuine and thought provoking 💛
I know you don’t believe but I am struck by your passion by your willingness to learn and educate and to experience all that life has to offer. I hope you are healed from the pain that is clearly still in you. I thank you for deconstructing anyway you can. It’s part of your walk. It’s amazing.
Hey Jared man. Super relatable. People can go through the motions or they can embrace Christ, what they're there for. I've seen that scenario played out many times, and in my life. Also you're not a sh*** person, and I believe you're prior path was not 'wasted'. I see faith as not a linear path but like a muscle.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m praying for you man.
Probably the most honest video I've seen on You Tube. Thanks
I loved this video, and I totally get where you are coming from. I'm an Anglican priest, in the Church of England, the Episcopalians in America would typically come under the same denominational heading I suppose. The ones in communion with Canterbury that is.
I wonder if it's less that they don't take it so seriously, but rather that they don't try to do it all on a Sunday? I grew up in very intense evangelical and charismatic Churches and Sunday was the everything moment. In what I do now, in how I live my faith and I see other traditional Catholic type Churches do the same, a lot of that moralising and stuff happens throughout the week in light touch ways. Like in the conversations that occur in youth groups, in the mother and toddler group sessions, in home groups and in social events. Because the Churches have a longer history, worked out theologies and doctrines and teach those things then in a way there is less of that self-study to be had, maybe. I see it as less about an individual coming to an understanding, and more of a community learning and growing together sharing the theological and emotional load.
As someone who also had an intense Christian upbringing, i'd be really interested to chat with you about it.
I'd also just add, I'm sorry that you are/have experiencing(ed) the hurt of losing Jesus. It's not easy when you have that kind of relationship to lose it. I think it's wonderful you're checking out all these Churches and I've watched several of your videos in one hit. I'm looking forward to seeing the ones you're yet to film and release!
Thank you for sharing your story. I don't know what else to say except I'm really sorry that was your experience as a Christian. The anxiety and fear you felt are scary and I'm sorry you didn't have a community where you were able to experience peace.
I have to imagine you get comments like this a lot, so take it as another shred of validation, but I have to say: the clarity and transparency with which you engage with your own Christian experience is heart-wrenching and beautiful. I've watched a number of your videos. You are always fair, kind, generous, humorous, and, to my lights, self-aware.
I hope that as you continue to process your life and explore the vast landscape of Christendom, that you find God has been suffering with you all along, that your struggle and studies were not a waste. And that, in due time, you can be at peace.
Thank you, Jared.
Hearing you talk about your sleepless nights and struggles when you were in the faith reminds me of my experience as a JW. It's nice to be free
I think your video gave me a lot to reflect on after having watched it. I don’t know your back story but I think you’ve found something that is at the crux of my denomination and really a healthy church experience. We should be looking to build an accountable safe and welcoming place for people of all generations to grow in faith and as people. I found the video heartbreaking, moving and uplifting. I don’t know what you’re searching for but when you find it, I hope it brings you peace, joy and fulfilment. I also don’t think you’re a shitty person. Peace be with you.
There’s a lot of exVangelicals in my church (Episcopalian here 👋🏽) and I’m really really sorry you had such a hard go of it.
I didn’t go through what you went through as a child, but I witnessed a lot of people that did. I grew up in a Midwest city that was riddled with mega churches and cathedrals. All my friends would tell me about how their non denomination church was the only one that would make it into heaven. I lived in fear of going to hell. The person who was my father figure was gay, he is the kindest most compassionate person I know. I would ask my friends, “how could god send such an amazing person who has done so much good to hell?” I would never get a logical answer back. I was big on skateboarding, and living in a Midwest town it was hard to skate in the winter. All the indoor skate parks were either at churches or run by Christian organizations. One of the leaders in one of those organizations ended up SA a few of my friends. As I got older I started to despise Christianity. It lead me to searching for answers from other religions/philosophies. Around a year ago I was brought back to Christianity. I feel a calling towards Jesus, but this has come with much man made pain. I’ve struggled to find a church/denomination to belong to. On the search I’ve started to learn less and less about Jesus/the Bible in general. The funny thing is the last two churches I’ve been to, the service was all about donation to the church. The church I’ve been currently attending asked for everybody to donate $500! Like dude! Everyone here is already donating! When is it enough? I felt drawn to Catholicism and orthodox, but my girlfriend is agnostic as hell and we are planning on getting married soon (most likely outside of a church) which I’ve been told that in Catholicism and orthodoxy that will keep me out of heaven. Also the person that was a father figure to me transitioned about 10 years ago, and most churches will preach about how he will end up in hell. It hurts me, and pushes me away. I will be attending an Episcopal church this weekend and after watching this video I’m excited, but also nervous. Honestly, I just wanted to share my story, and let you know that I hear you! We hear you! You have trauma from your childhood. You are a good person, and a deep thinker. The people around you are so lucky to have you. You deserve to be happy.
The Episcopal church welcomes all. I hope your visit went well
This was an amazing video. Thank you for your vulnerability. I've been checking out your channel and I'm digging it. I'm a UCC pastor and hear you. Being raised Roman Catholic, I love the intellectualism of the mainline. Yet it seems that the choice is either ignorance on fire or intellect on ice. I feel called to try to create intellect on fire. I have had the dark night of the soul and the sweating it out nights, so we have that in common. Yet many of my colleagues and congregants haven't. And you're right... they are better people than I am.
Thank you. Grace and peace.
From an Ex JW but still a believer in God (although a little lost) sending you love that you went through such painstaking relationship with God. I used to wonder what I should do but I now don’t believe it should be that hard. I just can’t take things on face value. I need to do what you did and over research no matter what. Anyway, I have PTSD from JWs. So working on turning down my intensity. You are not a shitty person. You are a beautiful person. I can tell you care no matter that you believe ❤
Watched some of your videos Jared, You are an amazing guy. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. I am glad you came out of that system of hate, fear and self worthlessness. You are not worthless and anyone or thing that would say so is an abusive tyrant. Christ is Community even if the Church seems to not think so in many cases. We are to be that interactive community not to guilt and shame people but to interact and get to know them and make each others lives a little better. Much love bud.
You are a fantastic man. Keep up the good work.
I've been really enjoying your content, man. You and I are very similar in so many ways, I feel like we would be great friends. Praying for you genuinely and earnestly.
Jared, I appreciate this more than you know. I've been a Christian for around 12 years now and my walk has been filled with backsliding and overthinking and fear of my salvation and just living with so much in my mind. I recently got plugged into Carl Jung's writings and works, and some of the reformers. I'm now a Presbyterian, loving traditional Protestantism and just learning to let go and give a lot of it to God. So much of this pressure and toil you speak of I resonate with. I'm trying to just let go and not have to have a position on everything and just love God as I am and just be in community and Be a Christlike person. I recently read emotionally healthy spirituality by Peter Scazzero and I've learned to be better at just existing and humbling myself before God, and loving as he does like so many of the earlier traditions do. this spoke to my heart, I hope you don't mind but you're in my prayers, Please never stop making content. PS I'm a metalhead so keep making me headbang!
I really liked your description of the high school graduates, and the old footage of you.
I love your humility, dude! As a Christian with many controversial beliefs who doesn’t really know how to be a Christian anymore because of all the horseshit I see in mainstream Christianity, I deeply resonate with a lot of things you’re going through and are expressing as an atheist. I commend you! 🙏
I just love your videos especially as a Christian you seem to bring out more of a desire to really know what I know and to be better I don’t know how to explain it.
Loving your videos bro..
I havent related so much with an internet atheist in my entire time on the internet. I think we were the same as young christians where we took the faith so seriously that we questioned it almost too deeply or didnt have guidance as young christians to solidify some of the answers.
I am also in the same bucket of "atheist who loves religion." I find christianity fascinating and the whole psychology behind it all deeply moving. I have sought out other churches and dabbled in the new Orthodox rising since I have some family roots in that as well. I read and continue to investigate it daily, really, and love the tradition.
I can really see your pain and genuine feeling of loss. I feel the same thing often but in a less defined and tangible way compared to your saying the loss of christ specifically. I feel like an eternal seeker who can never really believe the same again. Bringing myself to truly believe in the ideology, the divine, etc is such a leap for my current mind.
I just wanted to comment that youre not alone in the struggle of a post christian life of seeking!
Note -- check the ceiling again. It is supposed to be like and/or represent the keel of a ship.
You know, ships for fishing.
Fishermen?
@@NathanBd-zw5pt From the Bible, "I shall make you fishers of men."
Describing Religious OCD...
Thanks for this. I’m from an evangelical conservative background and now an Anglican Priest. This gives me so much to reflect on!
I just discovered your channel. Awesome work, Jared.
Man, this was really quite touching. To use the Dostoevsky-ian phrase, you seem quite God-haunted and I hope that never goes away for you since it clearly motivates such introspection and a compassionate view of those still in the faith.
Sir, you are a wonderful person.
This video reminded me of the words of St Seraphim of Sarov: “Acquire peace, and thousands around you will be saved.”
I’m sorry religion brought you more anxiety than peace, but I hope and pray that you have peace now and always.
Thank you for your videos, I hope you don’t mind my comment.
I'm a former evangelical minister, and lifelong devoted believer--a former "Jesus freak", if you will. This confession and "testimony" really touched me; you've articulated thoughts and feelings that I've barely been conscious of, but have been holding on to very deeply since I lost my faith. I'm not sure what to do with these feelings that I'm just newly aware of, but I'm grateful that you helped give voice to them. Thank you for sharing.
I am an Episcopalian and enjoyed this video. I like your comment about how it was "not Christ centered, but community centered." I think many churches have this trait and it can make a members growth challenging because it becomes more about your ability to be with others than to be like Jesus. Another weird thing for me as I always noticed the sign on my church that said "All Are Welcome," but I never really felt particularly welcome there. I think many people feel that disconnect as well.
The sleepless nights of God ignoring my prayers to change some immutable human characteristic of me and the hours trying to reconcile what the Bible said with what I was being taught really left a whole lot of pain when I realized I was raised by a lie and that my youth was taken from me. It's hard to deal with sometimes, but it can be comforting to know that I'm not alone in that experience.