Ha, I have personally lived through your example story of having a whirlwind limerence after meeting someone just once. It made me feel alive and in admiration towards a person, something that was missing in my then partner. It worked out well because I tried to develop those amazing traits in myself and came out better.
What causes limerance: A. Starved needs: 1. To feel seen/heard. 2. To feel someone’s present with you. 3. To feel priotrized/important. 4. To feel accepted. 5. To feel safe to be vulnerable/ able to trust. 6. To feel recieved when openning up. 7. To be able to do something fun and new and novel with someone. B. Repressed characteristics ams traits existing within you. 1. People that are accepting of themselves. 2. Assertiveness (expressing boundaries consistently BEFORE angry) - FA uses anger to do this. 3. Care-free. 4. People who are self-assured, stoic, calm. - Generally, all the traits that FA feels “unworthy” of or seem “unsafe”. For example, being carefree could be a “threat” for becoming lazy.
The repressed characteristics describe my type exactly. A lot of the triggers for limerance also apply to me, though I will say it's the repressed traits that have a stronger effect on me. Often makes me wonder if that's truly my type or if I only like guys like that because I want to be them. And that's in general. The guys are always just better versions of myself. They usually have the same interests, hobbies, values, and morals as me, but they have the self-assurance, confidence, and calm that I can only hope to embody.
@@vrinkeeI relate, my ex was a DA and was absolutely the most carefree and opposite of me. I was extremely anxious and trying to fulfill my ambition but felt lost in life. He didn’t mind being lost, in fact he liked to be complete hippie to some degree. It was so refreshing to be around someone who is FUN, CAREFREE, REBELLIOUS and ADVENTUROUS. These things already exist within me, but have been plagued with cultural influences, doubts and fears and therefore seem “unsafe”. I think identifying the traits your type exhibits is the key/hint. Now I’m working on showing myself that I am those traits that I mentioned earlier by doing really small things and working my way up. And when I say really small things, I mean tiny enough to be comfortable but substantial enough to threaten those core limitations validity… it’s nice because now I don’t need to vicariously be through them. I still am working on it though, it’s not easy but definitely worth it. It’s nice hearing your comment, it feels good to know there’s a community that is working on the same problems and giving each other hope and synergy, we can do this.
“If I’m calm I’ll be boring” wow I think that all the time then exhaust myself socially trying to entertain everyone then end up not wanting to be around people anymore. Awareness is everything.
Whenever you think of someone else as perfect, you're also believing in extremes with relation to yourself, which I find is when you're out of touch with yourself :)
Thank you so much for this piece of information. I trust you with this and I now I feel why I get way more crushes than back then. It's crazy how ive lost myself to a relationship.
Holy moly, doing "the work" is exhausting. I'm so self-aware, and learning all the time... but I feel like I am getting nowhere when it comes to healing. This is all very overwhelming. Learning about limerence is just another added layer to how many things I need to work on! Ahhhhh! Thank you so much for what you do, Thais. I'd be even more lost without you!!!
I'm thinking I might start the PDS course myself. I love these videos and they're certainly great for explaining and recognizing parts of myself, but it really IS exhausting living like this. I'm over it.
@@refreshingtwist I just started a 14 day free trial with PDS. After that it's $67 a month if I decide to stay in it. I don't have $$ for therapy either so this is a good alternative.
@@section9999 do you mean for PDS? If so, yes there are live webinars 6 days a week where you can hop on and ask questions. Sometimes they have break-out rooms where you can go in and talk to other members. Hearing different perspectives definitely helps the healing process.
What i find wild is how 18 years of childhood can take so long to sort out. Ive been working towards healing and understanding for what feels like forever now.
I had a self discovery today. I am in deep limerence of my on and off again DA. We split again a few weeks ago and I've been thinking about him obsessively, but when he finally reached out to me today, I felt nothing. Actually I felt almost numb. I'm not sure if it's a defense mechanism or I'm really getting fed up with the push and pull dynamic so much so that I just want to be done with it. I am starting to realize that as much as I love him, I think I'm more in love with the potential of the us I THINK we could be rather than the reality of what we actually are. I love us and our connection, but our lack of communication is killing this and the more work I do on myself, the more distant I feel. So now I'm wondering if the limerence is my way of holding onto a dying connection. 😔
I swear to god this channel has been worth every second of my time, I am eternally grateful for stumbling upon it years ago. I was too young to truly understand these concepts as I had no experiences or understanding of who I was. But I’ve stumbled upon this again, and finally there’s an explanation for things (without me actually falling into a rationalization hole lol). Your videos are concise, straight-to-the-point and easy to digest and apply. I commend you for your efforts, you have no idea how many lives you’re positively affecting especially on the internet. It’s really rare that I see courses that actually prove to be effective, but yours seem to. Much love and appreciation from my end, thank you🙏🏼.
I feel like I resonated with this entire video. But I would love a video on the type of boundaries a fearful avoidant needs to set because I struggle with this heavily.
"There's a lot more I could say, but I'll try to keep this video short." Noooooo... I wish you would have gone for an hour. This was exactly what I needed to make my life make sense right now.
Thank you so much, Thais for the work you do. That piece about the amt of input the subconscious is taking in and resonating w/ bc of familiarity is very helpful. It explains why I often times know on an intellectual and logical level that someone is not a good fit d/t red flags but yet find myself still drawn/attracted to them. Also loved the part about assertiveness vs aggression. Being assertive comes from a place of having healthy self-esteem & self-worth; it makes me sad to think that I don't have healthy self-esteem & self-worth...especially when I think of my inner child; she absolutely, 100% is worth it and deserves to be heard, seen, valued, and loved.
It's OK if you made a longer video actually. It's a tricky and very important topic and thank you for adressing it through the fearful avoidant viewpoint. As a FA (self proclaimed tho😂) I really want a relationship and at the same time scared to death to let anyone close to me (thanks mommy, thanks granny and the rest), so I feel a lot of anxiety basically all the time. I try working with anxiety, and then reality starts shining through the mist of fantasy and distorted perception, but it is SO f**king hard to rewire the brain into "we are OK buddy" mode. Limerence deserved longer videos and thorough analysis❤
Would really love to know more about limerence! Perhaps a more detailed, longer video.. and maybe one on how to nurture those inner needs/traits in oneself.. Thank you
I feel like the hard part is the first half - figuring out how they made you feel/what they did that you're so enamored with. I have a DA ex, and I don't know if she made me feel seen, per se - and definitely not on the emotional front. Seems like the most memorable thing is that we spent a lot of quality time together/had a lot of fun dates. So is that telling me I need to go back to the drawing board on doing more things I think are fun/take myself on fun dates, basically?
Yes, tell her you want to communicate more and do more fun stuff. Gradually do more things. Leaving when someone puts in effort is weak and will cause a trauma longterm for you
As a FA I experience this the only difference is I hide! I don’t want to run into my person…. I will go to any lengths to never run into my person, I can also only have limerence towards someone I bonded with I can’t with a total stranger, is this normal too? Or what am I experiencing?
I watched another video (Heidi pribe) that said seeing the person in real life can cause anxiety and also wreck the fantasy so we can avoid seeing them in real life to keep the fantasy alive
I would appreciate more videos about the early dating stage or what americans call talking stage and dynamics. I figuered out because of this channel I have limerence. At times more and others less but I think I've been this way from the beginning litterly a child of 5. It became worse over the years. No experiences. I used to believe I was just too shy. My solution was to act first (talking, asserting myself) instead of just watching people. This was the way I made friends and tried to avoid putting people on a pedistal. Sadly the pedistalling still happend only delayed. At least I had contact. My limerence was never a problem to others.. It was mine only. Feeling sick, shaking, nauseaus, selfcontious and not good enough. Nobody could give me advice or help. The way I've finally had my first relationship experience was just by diving in without standards. They were very toxic and broke me even further down after that I've fell in limerence again safe fron a distance with a DA long distance friend. I broke contact as he liked the attention and I was getting nothing out of it. It made me feel used and extremely alone. I've worked on my Fa. I haven't dated in years. I know exactly the red flags and I try to not be hypervigilant but contious while dating. I still seem to pick on dating apps consistently the Da's. It's like all men are Da on the apps. I wonder if I select wrong. I also want to add that I am chronically ill. I can't fullfill all my needs, I have greaved and tried to accept myself and my lack of abilities for more than 10 years.. But fullfilling all my needs just don't seem to be possible. I feel also with psychologist there is a massive gap in understanding people who can't fill their days with distraction and their passions like work, sport, social activities. I am most of the time alone there is a lot of time to think about others even tho I am trying hard not to. I wish there was more understanding or advice for this situation. All the psychologist I've seen over the years had not even the knowledge of this channel let alone for my chronic fatigue combined with this subcontious problems. 😢
Hear you on this. I also have CFS and have been prone to limerence. As with many unwanted thought patterns, the limerent thoughts have a fertile place to grow in the isolation of the physical illness. Finding nonromantic relationships in community has been helpful to me; even a virtual community like this one
When you mean FAs experience limerence for a shorter period of time, can you give us a timeframe? Is it more like a couple of weeks or several months? Because it's been 9 months for me and I don't know if it's actually limerence or real healthy attraction I'm so lost about my own feelings
How do you know if you have a healthy crush or interest in someone verses Limerence? Like if you are dating someone and you are fearful avoidant does it mean you automatically have limerence with them? And if so, should you just stop dating that person until you get your own shit together?!
How long does limerence last? When I met this guy I am seeing it was like that. We talked for hours, felt so connected to each other, he feels so familiar like we had know each other for years. We have been super on and off because he is FA and initially as an AP I couldn’t handle when he got triggered and withdrew. Now almost a year later I am more secure than AP and it doesn’t bother me like that anymore. It doesn’t trigger anymore so I am back with him. So my question is since we still feel this way almost a year later could it be limerence since we have been on and off this whole time?
@@michaelmich00 he has come back to me and I have come back to him. It’s a constant cycle unfortunately. I’m wondering if it will ever progress to more.
@@michaelmich00 he has always been weeks. 1-3 weeks. He only stays around a week at a time though so he is sometimes gone more than he is around so that’s very difficult
In my opinion yes it can. Maybe not toxic but at least unhealthy. I've had to walk away a few times so I can pour that love back into myself, take them off the pedestal and put myself on it.
Ha, I have personally lived through your example story of having a whirlwind limerence after meeting someone just once. It made me feel alive and in admiration towards a person, something that was missing in my then partner. It worked out well because I tried to develop those amazing traits in myself and came out better.
❤
What causes limerance:
A. Starved needs:
1. To feel seen/heard.
2. To feel someone’s present with you.
3. To feel priotrized/important.
4. To feel accepted.
5. To feel safe to be vulnerable/ able to trust.
6. To feel recieved when openning up.
7. To be able to do something fun and new and novel with someone.
B. Repressed characteristics ams traits existing within you.
1. People that are accepting of themselves.
2. Assertiveness (expressing boundaries consistently BEFORE angry) - FA uses anger to do this.
3. Care-free.
4. People who are self-assured, stoic, calm.
- Generally, all the traits that FA feels “unworthy” of or seem “unsafe”. For example, being carefree could be a “threat” for becoming lazy.
The repressed characteristics describe my type exactly. A lot of the triggers for limerance also apply to me, though I will say it's the repressed traits that have a stronger effect on me. Often makes me wonder if that's truly my type or if I only like guys like that because I want to be them. And that's in general. The guys are always just better versions of myself. They usually have the same interests, hobbies, values, and morals as me, but they have the self-assurance, confidence, and calm that I can only hope to embody.
@@vrinkeeI relate, my ex was a DA and was absolutely the most carefree and opposite of me. I was extremely anxious and trying to fulfill my ambition but felt lost in life. He didn’t mind being lost, in fact he liked to be complete hippie to some degree. It was so refreshing to be around someone who is FUN, CAREFREE, REBELLIOUS and ADVENTUROUS. These things already exist within me, but have been plagued with cultural influences, doubts and fears and therefore seem “unsafe”. I think identifying the traits your type exhibits is the key/hint. Now I’m working on showing myself that I am those traits that I mentioned earlier by doing really small things and working my way up. And when I say really small things, I mean tiny enough to be comfortable but substantial enough to threaten those core limitations validity… it’s nice because now I don’t need to vicariously be through them. I still am working on it though, it’s not easy but definitely worth it. It’s nice hearing your comment, it feels good to know there’s a community that is working on the same problems and giving each other hope and synergy, we can do this.
“If I’m calm I’ll be boring” wow I think that all the time then exhaust myself socially trying to entertain everyone then end up not wanting to be around people anymore. Awareness is everything.
Whenever you think of someone else as perfect, you're also believing in extremes with relation to yourself, which I find is when you're out of touch with yourself :)
Thank you so much for this piece of information. I trust you with this and I now I feel why I get way more crushes than back then. It's crazy how ive lost myself to a relationship.
you don't have to see the person as perfect to be limerent.
❤
Holy moly, doing "the work" is exhausting. I'm so self-aware, and learning all the time... but I feel like I am getting nowhere when it comes to healing. This is all very overwhelming. Learning about limerence is just another added layer to how many things I need to work on! Ahhhhh!
Thank you so much for what you do, Thais. I'd be even more lost without you!!!
I'm thinking I might start the PDS course myself. I love these videos and they're certainly great for explaining and recognizing parts of myself, but it really IS exhausting living like this. I'm over it.
@@LeeChrissy I hear yah. Once I have more money, I'm definitely going to look into therapy. Just wish it was cheaper.
@@refreshingtwist I just started a 14 day free trial with PDS. After that it's $67 a month if I decide to stay in it. I don't have $$ for therapy either so this is a good alternative.
@@LeeChrissy can you talk to anybody or is it just videos?
@@section9999 do you mean for PDS? If so, yes there are live webinars 6 days a week where you can hop on and ask questions. Sometimes they have break-out rooms where you can go in and talk to other members. Hearing different perspectives definitely helps the healing process.
What i find wild is how 18 years of childhood can take so long to sort out. Ive been working towards healing and understanding for what feels like forever now.
I had a self discovery today. I am in deep limerence of my on and off again DA. We split again a few weeks ago and I've been thinking about him obsessively, but when he finally reached out to me today, I felt nothing. Actually I felt almost numb. I'm not sure if it's a defense mechanism or I'm really getting fed up with the push and pull dynamic so much so that I just want to be done with it. I am starting to realize that as much as I love him, I think I'm more in love with the potential of the us I THINK we could be rather than the reality of what we actually are. I love us and our connection, but our lack of communication is killing this and the more work I do on myself, the more distant I feel. So now I'm wondering if the limerence is my way of holding onto a dying connection. 😔
Exactly the same for me :(
Its defence and very bad for yourself. It will cause you a trauma longterm. Open up and have responsibility for yourself.
@@michaelmich00 yes I know. That's why I mentioned I'm healing. I'm in PDS and doing the work. 👍
Felt
I swear to god this channel has been worth every second of my time, I am eternally grateful for stumbling upon it years ago. I was too young to truly understand these concepts as I had no experiences or understanding of who I was. But I’ve stumbled upon this again, and finally there’s an explanation for things (without me actually falling into a rationalization hole lol). Your videos are concise, straight-to-the-point and easy to digest and apply. I commend you for your efforts, you have no idea how many lives you’re positively affecting especially on the internet. It’s really rare that I see courses that actually prove to be effective, but yours seem to. Much love and appreciation from my end, thank you🙏🏼.
You're so welcome! This was so nice to read and I am overjoyed you are getting a lot out of the content :) ❤
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool your videos have changed my life immensely. Thank you so much
I feel like I resonated with this entire video. But I would love a video on the type of boundaries a fearful avoidant needs to set because I struggle with this heavily.
The infatuation resentment is so true...i almost wait for them so i can leave the limerance relationship
I’m so grateful and happy that I’ve discovered this woman’s TH-cam channel! Everything she is saying is gospel to my ears!
or sick of people constantly ignoring your boundaries so you get angry after being calm for so long
It was new for me to learn that FAs struggle with limerence less than others! and I love the client stories she shares!
"There's a lot more I could say, but I'll try to keep this video short." Noooooo... I wish you would have gone for an hour. This was exactly what I needed to make my life make sense right now.
Thank you so much, Thais for the work you do.
That piece about the amt of input the subconscious is taking in and resonating w/ bc of familiarity is very helpful. It explains why I often times know on an intellectual and logical level that someone is not a good fit d/t red flags but yet find myself still drawn/attracted to them.
Also loved the part about assertiveness vs aggression. Being assertive comes from a place of having healthy self-esteem & self-worth; it makes me sad to think that I don't have healthy self-esteem & self-worth...especially when I think of my inner child; she absolutely, 100% is worth it and deserves to be heard, seen, valued, and loved.
Is limerence the root cause of jealousy and possessiveness? And therefore a deep unmet need is an insecurity?
It's OK if you made a longer video actually. It's a tricky and very important topic and thank you for adressing it through the fearful avoidant viewpoint. As a FA (self proclaimed tho😂) I really want a relationship and at the same time scared to death to let anyone close to me (thanks mommy, thanks granny and the rest), so I feel a lot of anxiety basically all the time. I try working with anxiety, and then reality starts shining through the mist of fantasy and distorted perception, but it is SO f**king hard to rewire the brain into "we are OK buddy" mode.
Limerence deserved longer videos and thorough analysis❤
Would really love to know more about limerence! Perhaps a more detailed, longer video.. and maybe one on how to nurture those inner needs/traits in oneself..
Thank you
I feel like the hard part is the first half - figuring out how they made you feel/what they did that you're so enamored with. I have a DA ex, and I don't know if she made me feel seen, per se - and definitely not on the emotional front. Seems like the most memorable thing is that we spent a lot of quality time together/had a lot of fun dates. So is that telling me I need to go back to the drawing board on doing more things I think are fun/take myself on fun dates, basically?
Yes, tell her you want to communicate more and do more fun stuff. Gradually do more things. Leaving when someone puts in effort is weak and will cause a trauma longterm for you
As a FA I experience this the only difference is I hide! I don’t want to run into my person…. I will go to any lengths to never run into my person, I can also only have limerence towards someone I bonded with I can’t with a total stranger, is this normal too? Or what am I experiencing?
I watched another video (Heidi pribe) that said seeing the person in real life can cause anxiety and also wreck the fantasy so we can avoid seeing them in real life to keep the fantasy alive
I would appreciate more videos about the early dating stage or what americans call talking stage and dynamics. I figuered out because of this channel I have limerence. At times more and others less but I think I've been this way from the beginning litterly a child of 5. It became worse over the years. No experiences. I used to believe I was just too shy. My solution was to act first (talking, asserting myself) instead of just watching people. This was the way I made friends and tried to avoid putting people on a pedistal. Sadly the pedistalling still happend only delayed. At least I had contact. My limerence was never a problem to others.. It was mine only. Feeling sick, shaking, nauseaus, selfcontious and not good enough. Nobody could give me advice or help. The way I've finally had my first relationship experience was just by diving in without standards. They were very toxic and broke me even further down after that I've fell in limerence again safe fron a distance with a DA long distance friend. I broke contact as he liked the attention and I was getting nothing out of it. It made me feel used and extremely alone. I've worked on my Fa. I haven't dated in years. I know exactly the red flags and I try to not be hypervigilant but contious while dating. I still seem to pick on dating apps consistently the Da's. It's like all men are Da on the apps. I wonder if I select wrong.
I also want to add that I am chronically ill. I can't fullfill all my needs, I have greaved and tried to accept myself and my lack of abilities for more than 10 years.. But fullfilling all my needs just don't seem to be possible. I feel also with psychologist there is a massive gap in understanding people who can't fill their days with distraction and their passions like work, sport, social activities. I am most of the time alone there is a lot of time to think about others even tho I am trying hard not to. I wish there was more understanding or advice for this situation. All the psychologist I've seen over the years had not even the knowledge of this channel let alone for my chronic fatigue combined with this subcontious problems. 😢
I’m sorry to hear that. There’s something inherently beautiful inside of every being that makes life worth living
Hear you on this. I also have CFS and have been prone to limerence. As with many unwanted thought patterns, the limerent thoughts have a fertile place to grow in the isolation of the physical illness. Finding nonromantic relationships in community has been helpful to me; even a virtual community like this one
I’ve noticed I’m always attracted to those traits. Thanks 😊
❤
Thank beautiful soul. What you do is so healing!
❤❤❤
This cannot come at a better time! Thank you! ❤
You're very welcome :) ❤
Great information! I liked how you explained assertiveness. You help me understand myself.
Great! ❤
Limerance is actually a HUGE CLUE to the subconscious, if actually pickedup on are the key to freedom.
Can you explain more?
Awesome share again! Pds rocks socks😂
Thank you Thais love ya❤
Thank you, this is so helpful
bye why did she describe me
All me (working on it).
THANK YOU SO MUCH
❤
This is so fucking difficult
You are golden
Thank you so much.
❤
When you mean FAs experience limerence for a shorter period of time, can you give us a timeframe? Is it more like a couple of weeks or several months? Because it's been 9 months for me and I don't know if it's actually limerence or real healthy attraction I'm so lost about my own feelings
I'm 10 months in now
@@wildgoose3958 God so mine is also limerence 😭 this thing seems impossible to stop
How do you know if you have a healthy crush or interest in someone verses Limerence?
Like if you are dating someone and you are fearful avoidant does it mean you automatically have limerence with them? And if so, should you just stop dating that person until you get your own shit together?!
How long does limerence last? When I met this guy I am seeing it was like that. We talked for hours, felt so connected to each other, he feels so familiar like we had know each other for years. We have been super on and off because he is FA and initially as an AP I couldn’t handle when he got triggered and withdrew. Now almost a year later I am more secure than AP and it doesn’t bother me like that anymore. It doesn’t trigger anymore so I am back with him. So my question is since we still feel this way almost a year later could it be limerence since we have been on and off this whole time?
@@michaelmich00 he has come back to me and I have come back to him. It’s a constant cycle unfortunately. I’m wondering if it will ever progress to more.
@@nicoleflusk5434 how long till he came back? Some do weeks and some months
@@michaelmich00 he has always been weeks. 1-3 weeks. He only stays around a week at a time though so he is sometimes gone more than he is around so that’s very difficult
Is there a source for this bits per second claim you constantly put in your videos?
can you be in limerence with an actual partner or an ex?
Do limerence-relationships turn toxic?
In my opinion yes it can. Maybe not toxic but at least unhealthy. I've had to walk away a few times so I can pour that love back into myself, take them off the pedestal and put myself on it.
❤️