Reminds me of the love chakra scene in Avatar The Last Airbender Guru Pathik says "Love is a form of energy, and it swirls all around us. A love of your lost ones has not left this world, it is still inside of your heart; and it is reborn in a form of new love. Let it flow through you."
I had the same situation. I was married for 13 Years with a kid, that is now 22. The best decision we ever made was the divorce. Before, we suffered trough 6 years of constant fighting and misunderstandings. After we both signed the papers, we were best friends again and still until this very day!❤ And not just because the kid... I'm so grateful 😊 I have so much respect for you, you are doing everything right!!😊💪🏼👍🏼😃
@@centipedekid9824I think it's the fact that she doesn't have to "stand" being with him that allows for them to be friends. Space gives perspective, in my opinion.
@@centipedekid9824 Maybe they just didn't want each other romantically and it made them argumentative because they were in each other's spaces more then they actually wanted.
As someone whose earliest memories are sitting in court for divorce proceedings, every experience I've ever had with divorce has been negative. Even in movies and shows. Seeing a divorce happen amicably and with the best possible outcome is very jarring for me. I didn't know it was possible. Im 33 years old and am just now learning that divorce isn't always a bad thing. Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending hugs and much appreciation
I'm a few years older than you and completely agree. Who knew that something most people talk about as the worst thing ever can be a positive, and almost a beautiful, thing?
Yes, divorce and separation can be a good thing! I was very unhappy for the last 3 years of our marriage and since we've separated, I feel like that weight has been lifted and it shows. We are both committed to making life as easy as possible for the kids. We co-parent and get along beautifully. No arguing, no court, no bad mouthing the other parent.
I truly appreciate your being open and talking about this decision. There wasn't a lot of people who were open to talking about it when I got divorced ten years ago. It was hush hush....especially in the culture I had.
I divorced my husband earlier this year after being married for about 2 years. We got married young and truly loved each other romantically. We had a beautiful relationship, and I learned so much from him and about myself. In the end, we recognized that we were no longer compatible and that our relationship could get negative if we tried to force it. We loved each other enough to let our romantic relationship end. There has been so much grief, especially right after that decision, but when the divorce papers were signed, we went out for ice cream and talked for hours to celebrate😂
yes, yes I love this perspective. it's just genuinely crazy to expect 2 people to stay married forever and ever. Like, if you can manage to stay compatible and build a life together for the rest of your life! thats amazing ! but theres such a moralism invovled when people say, "Don't get a divorce, don't get a divorce" I have a friend whose parents finalyl divorced when tehy went off to college, and they were like, I was expecting it so much earlier, I feel nothing.
I love the idea of the family expanding rather than replacing. I strongly believe in the "it takes a village" mindset when it comes to raising kids, and I would love to see more cases of divorce where kids are involved to adopt this mentality. Thank you, Jono, for being open and sharing your experiences to a degree in which you're comfortable. I'll be looking forward to Alicia's video, as well. Especially since you both didn't have to do this and could have totally kept these thoughts and feelings to yourselves. The vulnerability is sincerely appreciated.
Thank you for helping fight the stigma of divorce. People see divorce as a failure and not as a just a closing of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. I really do believe divorces become ugly because of the shame, blame and anger they associate with each other. I am happy to hear you are supported and doing well. Thanks again for sharing these vulnerable parts of yourself that genuinely help us lurkers...
You must be such a great dude to have a beer with, Jono. Thanks for your work, in here and in the cinematherapy channel. And all the best for you in the future and in your healing process.
Married for 20 yrs, divorced, then a few years of intense self-growth and healing. By the end of the marriage and the way it was influencing me, I was someone I didn’t want to be. Divorce started, and within just a few months my sister was killed in a tragic accident, only a few more months and my dad died. Despite the grief and panic attacks I experienced through that time, eventually I saw my divorce as a gift and blessing and a chance to refine and re-find who I was. I wish you luck and peace in your process, and moments of laughter and joys along the way to help you get through. (Waving a friendly “hi!” from northern Utah.)
This gives me hope. My husband and I have been having problems for a very long time and even with counselling and best intentions it seems like we might not be able to get on the same page. It’s getting to a point where we need to consider whether we‘ll end up sacrificing our family for the sake of upholding our marriage, if that makes sense. Making the decision is so hard, but it does really help to know that divorce can also in a way protect a relationship, not just end it. Thank you for your willingness to share. These must still be difficult videos to make for you both. All the best!
I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this. Kudos to you though for trying to work at it. Jono's video here is a great example of how partnerships can change but still be healthy. I hope you both find peace. 💜
In a Cinema Therapy video, Jono said something along the lines that it’s healthier to model for your kids an amicable divorce and moving on to being happier separately than to stay together for the sake of the kids and marriage vows. I don’t know if this should apply to you, but I highly recommend seeing a marriage counselor and talking out the pros and cons of trying to salvage your marriage versus getting divorced.
My aunt and uncle got divorced and it was the best thing they did for their relationship and their marriage. He came to every family holiday and when he had a stroke, she was his caretaker until he had to be moved into long term care. It’s weird to because his personality seemed to change a lot- like he was a jerk 😂😂😂 and he became very lovable and funny and friendly.
My aunt and uncle had a… borderline abusive marriage… got divorced and became really good friends. He came to every family event/Holliday and she was his caretaker after he had a stroke. It was the best thing they ever did for their relationship and for their family.
Thanks so much for the video! You've mentioned that you love spending time with each other, but have decided that y'all's relationship is not a marriage type relationship because of various reasons. I was wondering if you could do a video about what you need in a long term romantic relationship/marriage to make it last and have a fulfilling experience, besides enjoying spending time with each other? I am curious your thoughts on what is needed in the other half of the equation.
Just the fact that the two of you chose to let us into the process and your journey to healing means so much to me and I'm sure a lot of other people. You've always been a shining example of acceptance, empathy, kindness and a whole lot of other wonderful adjectives. To see an example of an amicable divorce is such a nice change from so many stories we see. I was super worried about you when I heard about the divorce so I'm so glad that things are progressing and that you're coming out the other side stronger, wiser and healthier. You're an amazing man and a wonderful father - thank you so much for taking us with you. Much love to you, Alicia and your whole family.
How amazing to see the divorce process be handled with respect and love and friendship! Too often we hear horrible stories about relationships ending in horrible ways. Seeing you and Alicia handle this with grace is an important tool and example for everyone. We need more of this. We need more ways to handle life's chaos with grace and humility while feeling all the icky emotions too. Peace to you both and kudos for maintaining your friendship thru this process. It will mean the world to your children. 💜
I am glad you are doing these as separate videos because she tends to take over the ones you do together, and I do also want to know your perspective on things.
I’ll have to rewatch some- don’t see that at all. (Not that I don’t feel a loss when jono’s lovely voice isn’t heard- just never saw their dialogue’s as unequally voiced.) I wonder if editing has anything to do with it
@@frostsong9921 I have found it frustrating in the past which is why I tend not to watch these and just watch Cinema Therapy since the guys have a good back-and-forth where they both contribute.
@@Futurebound_jpg 😂 But also, I end up quoting Jonathan often on my subreddit, so if he isn't able to fully contribute, I feel as if I am missing gold that I can pass along.
I wouldn't say she takes over but I've noticed she often interrupts him and yeah, sometimes it can be a bit frustrating. Although, to be fair, Jono interrupts her too sometimes. It's just noticeably less. But both of them don't seem to have a problem with it, it's just how they talk, I guess. So it's fine.
THANK YOU so much for sharing this Jono!! I think this may honestly be the most important topic for modern families and there's no where near enough support and honest discourse out there. Shame stops people from talking and helping each other, but there is no shame in finding the path that is most loving for all parties. You are doing the right thing 🙂
It's hard to understand a divorce when you can only talk about the positive things to a bunch of strangers. But it's great that you keep a good relationship for your kids, it's great
I am so sorry to hear about this…you do look sad but that’s understandable…I wish you both the very best in your future friendship and helping your kids get through this too ❤
I liked what you said about love and grief because it’s not exclusive to divorce or even romantic relationships. Eventually we will grieve for someone we loved.
I'm having a lot of relationship and mental health problems, and hearing about the challenges that a man so healthy and full as yourself face, it gives me hope for healing and makes me feel less shit for having these problems. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing what you said about getting hit by a truck. Sometimes I struggle not to feel contempt for my own sadness and grief because I imagine that healthy people have it all together and would think I was "doing it wrong" by being so hurt and sad. It helps to have someone I look up to say that it hurts them that badly, too.
Jono you have been such a good sport about all of this. If I have learned anything from watching you on TH-cam (in all your capacities) it's how to be a resilient person. Keep shining because we need YOUR light. I so appreciate what you share. It truly makes a difference in my life.
I initially remember being knocked for six when you guys announced that you’d divorced, but as times gone on it’s actually been reassuring. It’s good to know that if you have a mature and thoughtful way to deal with it, splitting up doesn’t have to be the end of the world.
I felt knocked for six too. I didn’t get the announcement but it was in one of Jono’s vids where he said he was still Alicia’s kids guardian. That’s good tho.
My parents separated 12 years or so ago. They're relationship towards the end was rocky. But since they split they have had a great relationship! I feel like sometimes we're drawn to people in non romantic ways but we mistake it for romantic then the relationships break down in the end.
I felt a little guilty for needing the divorce from my ex even though we're still really good friends. But it's not the same kind of sadness, it's just a skosh melancholic, bittersweet end to a chapter.
My ex husband and I didn’t have a bad divorce either. We simply realized we had grown in different directions and knew it was best to let each other go. To this day, I still call him, “family,” and know we can both lean on one another when needed and truly want to see each other happy and prosperous. Many don’t understand and we’ve learned to accept this. We both agree as long as we’re okay with our process and have support from the ones we love we both have the right to navigate our paths towards our happiness, our futures 😊 Thank you for sharing this. I truly appreciate hear other stories similar to one I’m experiencing.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and perspective. I'm looking forward to Alicia's as well. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my mom remarried when I was 14. My stepdad respected my parents' dynamic, how they became best friends after their divorce and prioritized me and my sister's wellbeing over everything else. I know it wasn't easy on the 3 of them but I'm so thankful and proud of them for putting love and kindness and support at the forefront. It is not easy but it is possible 💙
this was a truly brave and vulnerable video to film, i appreciate your courage and your integrity and that you guys want to respect your privacy and keep boundaries because this is your personal and private life, while at the same time taking something that can be so painful and bittersweet that so many people can relate to but often suffer in silence about, and helping to share the most important and healing parts of your journey in the hopes that it will help others and their families
I am (late 50s) or perhaps now, was, a person who believed in amicable breakups and partings - sadly because I've faced lying, abusive, adulterous or worse (a same aged ex who decided to chase/bond with women half my age,the same age as his own children) I've sadly had to choose to put meart and finer feeling aside and act like I'm amputating a rotting limb. You can not keep faith with the faithless. But I applaud the 2 of you finding it and living your values. Much success is wished for both of you and your family...❤🙏
This is such a great vlog. As a husband who's wife cheated on him a good bit and we've been trying to work through things for over 3 years...there's a lot of videos out there that talk about how to heal and breathing techniques but I feel like this one has more honesty and possible solution. Thank you for this.
I had one of those ugly divorces. My ex stuck in a rule that I could not leave my daughter with anyone longer than 4 hours, meaning she could not go camping with my mom even if I was going to join them for the next day at Dollywood. She even called the police on that trip. I went to the required parenting counseling, but she had a friend who could sign off on it do that, and it showed in every way. She could leave her with her parents the entire weekend, but I could not do that. My daughter ended up dying in a car wreck that my ex got in. That finally made our toxic relationship end, thankfully... Not for my daughter, though. You both are the model that we should have had. Proud of you both!
Your content has been life changing for me over the past few years, and I cant thank you enough for just sharing your thoughts. I hate that life is so unpredictable at times. I really respect the approach here and sincerely wish you both the best through this.
Thank you so much for the sweet and loving atmosphere you and Alicia have made on TH-cam. It’s so easy to judge myself and othersharshly because it feels like every little flaw is very criticized by the TH-cam community, y’all remind me that not everyone is critical and that change and progress is human. Love y’all!!
this is an awesome video. an unconventional, but much needed perspective for our society, which I wish was mainstream! if my family had this approach during my childhood, we would have had such a different life experience. if i ever have a divorce (knock on wood), i feel like i'll be well equipped to manage it, especially since i have this structure / template / vocabulary i can use to express the changes in a loving way. jono and alicia -- thank you. while your love may not be romantic anymore, it's the brightest, purest love i've ever encountered, and so inspiring. thank you for sharing your heart / soul with us. looking forward to alicia's takes. ♥
This was very healing to hear. My ex and I (non-married, no kids) were having a really difficult time separating because we didn't know how to navigate our friendship without the romance. Now, he is one of the best friends I could ask for. We will always have love for each other, the romantic aspect is just absent now. Honestly, it's worked incredibly well and now I feel like I gained a lifelong friend from this experience.
I broke up with an ex that I was with for almost 8 years. It ended because we weren't right for each other but we're still good friends today. My husband knows and isn't threatened because it truly is just a friendship.
It's really great to see healthy models of how people can still maintain a good rapport with each other, even when shifting from romantic relationships to platonic friendships. I hope this becomes more normalized with time. Thanks for you both being so kind in sharing information from your private lives that can actually really help people.
As long as neither of you are in pain, I'm glad. However you reach happiness or want to journey towards it, this one random internet commenter supports you!
Andddd i just got an ad in the middle of this video where this man said “I can fix your marriage without you having to make compromises with your wife, etc… if you’re trying to make your wife happy, you’re absolutely insane.” What is going on lol
@@Futurebound_jpgno. What it means is that you can't make another person happy, no matter how hard you try. The best you can do is give them what they want and need, and its probably not what they say they want. Especially if its a girl
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with this. My ex and I had a similar separation, and his family still- nine years later- won't recognize me as a platonic part of his life. Sometimes people can realize they don't work romantically and salvage (or even bolster) the friendship as the binding relationship. I can't imagine my life without my ex, but I also can't imagine being romantic with him anymore either. We both consider our past relationship successful, even though it ended. Not all relationships have to end in anger, nor does separation have to mean the end of the relationship in general. AND, not all great friendships make for good romantic partnerships. So thank you so much for representing what we've known to be a valid path for the last decade.
My favorite holiday recipe is for a family recipe called tourtiere. It's a French Canadian meat pie. We love it as a side for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
So nice to see that feelings matter more than vows. Why should our words mean anything reliable when feelings change by the moment. And to exemplify this to children and others is truly unique.
It's not that feelings matter more than vows. It's that mental and emotional health matter most for the family as a whole and the individual members. This decision was not the result of feelings that change moment by moment. It came after years of anguish, healing, and effort. This is the healthiest, happiest version of our relationship. Nearly a year after making the decision, it has proven to be the right one for our family's wellbeing. We and our children are thriving.
@@MendedLight telling someone why they are wrong, then explaining why they are right is part of why I don't trust therapists. Cognitive function (mental health) matters, emotional health matters, relationships matter, virtue matters, a vow matters. They can't all matter equally in every situation, so some must matter more others sometimes. If you have reasons for valuing some things over others, that's fine, own it. But please don't say you are not doing a thing, followed immediately by explaining why you are doing the thing that you just said you weren't doing. Instead try "I have decided to break my vows, end my marriage, and raise my children intermittently because I believe that emotional health and relationships matter more than those other things." That may not be nice or pleasant, but it is honest. And if we can't be honest with ourselves we don't stand a chance. For my part I apologize for implying that this decision of prioritization was made on a whim. It clearly wasn't. I was trying to highlight that feelings and vows are supposed to last different amounts of time, and I was sloppy and rude in how I made that point. I apologize.
Wow, thankyou so much for sharing your journey with this. I did not grow up with healthy parental role-models, so all throughout my 20's I thought it was normal to break off relationships and never speak again. Someone I am close to has had a very similar thing happen; I feel like I've watched in awe as they worked through everything amicably and decided that the romantic part of their story is over. It blows my mind how many people still consider it weird for people to talk to their exes, almost 'red flags' if they do. I want to be the kind of person that someone wants to be friends with after a breakup, not blocked to never speak again. Now that I too feel whole on my own, I hope that healthy relationships like this are on my horizon. Thank you again for everything you do! Much success and happiness to you and your family
It is good to see a sane and mature divorce even if it still painful. People have different needs, no abuse was involved, moving forward is difficult but you don't need to hate or resent the other person to continue with their life.
Oh hun, I missed this somehow. I'm so sorry. I hope you're doing okay. I know I don't know you, I know this is a "para social relationship" as the kids say. But I care about you Jono. Take care of yourself. Edit: this all sounds like exactly what my ex said about his ex that he was still friends with. When we got serious, she got handsy with him and sabotaged our relationship. Be careful. I don't think people can actually let go like that - some people think they can, but become territorial when they see it happening. Both myself and my ex are HSPs. Yes, I am projecting. Truly, Jono, this comes from love and caring.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, insights and thoughts of this process you are going through, for being open and authentic. I very much appreciate your decision to share this experience in the idea it could be helpfull for other people in similar situations, for me this is being a role model of sincerity and integrity. Being an hsp and working as trauma informed coach myself (loving to support people to get better, overcome hardships and thrive) I very much can relate to the inner struggles that you mentioned. It very much resonated with me when you talked about helping people to overcome hardships that we have gone through ourselves and turn it into something helpfull for others. I have the theory that hsps who are in coaching or healing professions are driven by profound empathy and compassion to provide the support and compassion that they often did not get themselves. And yeah, I also can relate to the very dark moments and thoughts. I wish you both all the best on your respective healing journeys and all the happiness in the world.
I am so sorry that your life has to shift, and that growing pains are occurring and will continue to. I am so grateful to be witness to that growth 🎋 I wish my parents had examples like this…hell I wish I had examples like this growing up. Knowing that it’s “allowed” to make room for the growth both people need…wow, that could’ve saved my family so much pain, and ugliness. Just hideous arguments erupting always in the name of “staying together for the kids” 😢 you really are paving the way for all of us (including your kiddos, which I know you already know, I just wanna validate/confirm those considerations) for grow. Thank you so much, Joni and Alicia, for sharing this process with us 💝
My partner and I are going through it, and sometimes I feel bad about how much I don’t really feel bad about it. I have been inspired by this series to work hard to save our friendship, and I feel it’s worth it because we’ve known each other each other for about a decade before getting married and spent another 15 years in this marriage. No matter how bad things got, we’ve always stayed friendly with each other for the most part, and making the decision to divorce has actually improved that in a way. I believe the reason I don’t feel so bad is because I’ve been thinking about it for a while and had more time to process, and I just felt so much relief from the weight being lifted, and she said she feels similar, but it’s been especially hard for her to deal with overall and I just feel so bad for her, and I kind of feel guilty about not going through it like she is.
Thank you for sharing your story, It pains me to think of your situation happening to me but I also know you will be alright there will just be an adjustment period.
This really resonated with me! I really appreciate you sharing. I very much feel this way with my husband now and I've contemplated divorce but it feels like that would be unnecessarily painful and uproot our family of 5. Do you think it's possible to stay together knowing your love has changed to friends and is no longer romantic?
Thank you so much for this. My boyfriend and I decided to take separate paths after eight years of relationship and it’s being a really confusing time because we still love each other so much but we know we are not in the same page anymore and we need different things. But he is my best friend and we don’t want to loose each other. We decided to stay out of touch for some months and reach out when we both feel ready to love each other in the way we deserve - even if it’s by being “just” friends (wich it’s more than enough on itself). Your words give me hope to think we are going to be able to transition into a kind of love that suits us both where we can enjoy our company just like we’ve done for eight beautiful years. Thank you so much, for real.
I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty about the difficulty of divorce in this video. As a fellow person that’s been divorced, and a new marriage and family therapist, how do you reconcile with having this experience and being viewed as a “relationship expert?” Do you see it impacting your work in any way?
I don’t believe that being a psychologist specializing in couples therapy guarantees a perfect relationship. Instead, it I think it provides tools to analyze the relationship, work on improving it, and understand when it might be healthier for everyone involved to move on.
My ex and I didnt really fight, we weren't ever cruel. People grow and change, some things came to light eventually and we realized there was no compromize; we were eventually going to hate each other regardless of those decisions. As a guess most ignore these issues and things get toxic. On the day we officially parted, my partner cried, I cried but we are friends to this day.
You actually have a lot to be proud of in terms of your divorce. Especially due to the fact that you have kids. You’re friends which is great. I’m totally married now, but I went through divorce about a decade ago. That relationship was pretty much a dead one. There really was no friendship and it was over. It was never a reason to have anything to do with each other ever again. Luckily there were no children involved, but if there were it would’ve been a living hell. So it’s really impressive that youcan give your kids that even if you’re no longer a romantic couple.
I’m glad you recognized that you should divorce and happily co-parent. All four of my grandparents were divorced at some point, and they were all terrible divorces where the children from the first marriages didn’t see one of their parents for decades. Even after all of my grandparents have all passed away, my family is still dealing with some of the consequences.
Hugs to you and Alicia for the part that hurts. Cause loving people do not choose to marry in order to divorce down the line BUT loving people do choose to separate out of love and respect for one-another. It's really not that different with friendships or even family either. Sometimes what we each need - as it also has changed and grown and developed into different directions through time - cannot be held in the same space. Sometimes it costs us more than we can afford to make it work. Sometimes it's not even that, but that our purpose is calling and we can no longer ignore how it calls us away and it'd just be to cruel to be "alone together" when you could be "friends who have supportive partners by their sides in the places where purpose has called you to". Life is challenging like that sometimes. And in such times, clinging to something that does work is NOT a neutral state. It can absolutely take very very very bad turns. And that is far worse than separating timely, while you still can extend love!
My parents didn't divorce when they should have and stuck it out for 5+ years longer than they should have. It destroyed their friendship and made coparenting their minor children for the next 13 years really contentious. They have both been remarried for 20 years and their youngest is almost 30 but they never really grew past it. They're still weirdos around each other at family events. Thier spouses are quite similar and get along well though so at family functions my step-parents are friendlier with each other than my parents!
I love that you both are always saying what you loved/cared about each other. But I want to know what was the breaking point for both of you to push you both into the decision to divorce.
Your voice and inflection show you are still grieving. Your thoughts about continuing to be friends and just expanding the family sound nice, and while I wish you well, reality tends to work best when you are more exclusive. I have no right to suggest, but for your sake, be decisive in how you form relationships; be exclusive and be strong. Being inclusive in your family will do harm.
It could be very possible down the line when time has passed, of course it's a little more difficult with those fresh wounds. You have to trust their agency as responsible adults to decide what's best for them.
My husband and I have had an in-house separation/coparenting relationship for just over a year now, with plans for a divorce in the next 4 years. The death of a marriage is a hard one to come to terms with but sometimes it needs to happen so both parties can be healthy, safe and find healing. While I will never have the same romantic relationship with my husband again, I will always have a love for him, respect him and will always be in his corner rooting for him. As the father of my kids and the one who shares some of life's greatest memories, I truly hope he finds healing in this journey and beyond. He will always be one of my best friends.
I can't imagine how painful it must be when there are even children involved. I already suffered a lot for someone that i still love despite all these years and i can't imagine going again through that if i somehow open again to a new partner. It feels me with dread and honestly its stopping me from forming any meaningful connection. It's so bad to the point i just dropped the whole idea of having a partner and just enjoy friendships... but a part of me really wants to be a father.
Mended Light So I dated a divorceé and it did not end well. We did get engaged, but tbh, eventhough he was divorced, he was still imo still deeply imvolved in her life and in love with her. Tbh, I believe that played a huge part of him eventually breaking off the engagement with me. That was so hard for me. You should adress dating and getting involved with divorceés and what to do to avoid pitfalls, like I did. Im not adverse to dating such, even after this experience, but it's just different compared to other dating.
I'm not much of a commenter, it's very rare that I actually comment on stuff... And I'm sorry for any typos or mistakes because I I am just bawling my eyes out right now I can barely see my screen.... But there's ONE PART of this that struck a cord with me and literally brought me to tears.... And that was at the 8 minute mark when you talk about your step son My mom also met my step dad when I was 3... IMMEDIATELY told a little 3 year old girl "call me daddy I'm your daddy!" And I was LITERALLY RAISED believing this man WAS in fact my father! I was 10 when they broke up, and the marriage counselor told them TO WAIT till I was older to tell me the truth, that he had stepped up and made a promise to me and he needed to honour that. Well I was on visitation weekend with him one weekend with my brothers when I was 10 or 11... I don't remember it because I must have blocked it out because it was just so traumatic, but according to my mom Him and his gf at the time got drunk and told me the truth and we're NOT NICE about it at all. My mom said when I came home I locked myself in my room for a week and cried and wouldn't come out except to eat. A couple years later when I was 12 he told me he wasn't taking me on weekends anymore... He didn't want me and he never did. Like... Who the fuck says that to a 12 year old? I'm 40 now... And it still fucking hurts, it still fucking cuts at me that someone was able to so easily discard me. Save the fucked up part is that despite all the abuse and abandonment he put me through....a small tiny part of me miss him.... Because even tho he was shitty I miss having a fucking dad. I look at my friends getting married and having their father daughter dances and it kills me so much knowing that I'll never get to have that special moment (not that I'll be getting married any time soon 😞) It really makes me happy that they're are TRULY loving, caring, any kind men out there like you... I'm so happy that your stepson has such an amazing and loving "stepdad", and that even though you're not with his mom you still love him and want him like your own. I wouldn't wish my horrible experience on ANYONE...
😢❤. Thanks for sharing. Pain is pain no matter the age. It is okay to grieve for the person he was to you that he no longer chose to be. You get to be that person for the people you choose❤.
"You divorce spouses not children" YES!! Same with families. I'm in a blended family and it's seriously the best... it's not always a good healthy situation but it can be and I wish that for all blended families.
Some a lot of divorces end ugly because they people end up hating each other or there was abuse etc. However, I had a friend who's parents had a happy divorce. They said 'hey we love each other but not romantically so we think it is best we are just friends.'
I had a partner for about 5 years and recently seperated. We wanted different things. But we work well as friends instead, and that is how it started anyway. He is still 'cat dad' to my cat, and i guess if anything happens to me, he is the one to take her in, or find her a loving home if he can't. It is hard sometimes, and i feel guilt for the times i was less than agreeable. But i am learning to live with it.
I'm in the same situation. My husband and I ended our romantic relationship, but we still love each other very much. It's soooo so hurtful that it had to end this way, but it's probably for the best. I'm not yet there - feeling that I'm healing? Maybe a little? What we don't do is talk about our grief or he doesn't. I'm in therapy now and my therapist thinks we both lost ourselves in our wish for symbiosis. So it's probably for the best to not know each and every detail at the moment? I know that if I knew about all the hurtful things I did or whether he regrets things, then I might not be able to forgive myself and move on? He told me that he doesn't regret, doesn't blame me and wants me to focus on getting better and eventually getting happy. So that's what I wanna do...
My parents divorced when we were already teens (16 and 17) and they did it in the best way possible putting emphasis on the fact that we were still a family and it was just their romantic relationship that ended. And to this day we celebrate Christmas and birthdays together and my parents managed to stay good friends who still support each other. They made a great decision.
My parents were the same. My mom got pregnant with my sister and my parents eloped in Vegas lol. Anyway, fast forward a few years and a couple kids in and they divorced. I asked them why, and they said they were better off friends. They were kind to each other and never used me or my sister against each other. My Dad unfortunately passed 10 years ago and my mom definitely grieved him, there wasn't any contempt towards him and she was there when for his memorial. I know relationships don't always work but if I can find a love like that, where even if we divorce we can still be friends then I would count that as a blessing
"I believe that love can change form and not be lost." ❤❤❤
Reminds me of the love chakra scene in Avatar The Last Airbender
Guru Pathik says "Love is a form of energy, and it swirls all around us. A love of your lost ones has not left this world, it is still inside of your heart; and it is reborn in a form of new love. Let it flow through you."
I had the same situation. I was married for 13 Years with a kid, that is now 22. The best decision we ever made was the divorce. Before, we suffered trough 6 years of constant fighting and misunderstandings. After we both signed the papers, we were best friends again and still until this very day!❤ And not just because the kid... I'm so grateful 😊 I have so much respect for you, you are doing everything right!!😊💪🏼👍🏼😃
How can you be best friends if you couldn't stand to be together?
@@centipedekid9824I think it's the fact that she doesn't have to "stand" being with him that allows for them to be friends. Space gives perspective, in my opinion.
@@centipedekid9824 I was thinking just the same. I guess we all have different concepts of what a “best friend” is…
@@centipedekid9824 Maybe they just didn't want each other romantically and it made them argumentative because they were in each other's spaces more then they actually wanted.
Why the flip didn't you guys just stay best friends then? -____-
As someone whose earliest memories are sitting in court for divorce proceedings, every experience I've ever had with divorce has been negative. Even in movies and shows. Seeing a divorce happen amicably and with the best possible outcome is very jarring for me. I didn't know it was possible. Im 33 years old and am just now learning that divorce isn't always a bad thing. Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending hugs and much appreciation
I'm a few years older than you and completely agree. Who knew that something most people talk about as the worst thing ever can be a positive, and almost a beautiful, thing?
It’s true! Doesn’t always have to be hostile, taken from first hand experience.
I agree. My parents divorced when I was 8 and it was definitely the best thing they could have done for me and for each other.
Yes, divorce and separation can be a good thing! I was very unhappy for the last 3 years of our marriage and since we've separated, I feel like that weight has been lifted and it shows. We are both committed to making life as easy as possible for the kids. We co-parent and get along beautifully. No arguing, no court, no bad mouthing the other parent.
I truly appreciate your being open and talking about this decision. There wasn't a lot of people who were open to talking about it when I got divorced ten years ago. It was hush hush....especially in the culture I had.
I divorced my husband earlier this year after being married for about 2 years. We got married young and truly loved each other romantically. We had a beautiful relationship, and I learned so much from him and about myself. In the end, we recognized that we were no longer compatible and that our relationship could get negative if we tried to force it. We loved each other enough to let our romantic relationship end. There has been so much grief, especially right after that decision, but when the divorce papers were signed, we went out for ice cream and talked for hours to celebrate😂
yes, yes I love this perspective. it's just genuinely crazy to expect 2 people to stay married forever and ever. Like, if you can manage to stay compatible and build a life together for the rest of your life! thats amazing ! but theres such a moralism invovled when people say, "Don't get a divorce, don't get a divorce" I have a friend whose parents finalyl divorced when tehy went off to college, and they were like, I was expecting it so much earlier, I feel nothing.
❤
🎉😂❤❤
I love the idea of the family expanding rather than replacing. I strongly believe in the "it takes a village" mindset when it comes to raising kids, and I would love to see more cases of divorce where kids are involved to adopt this mentality.
Thank you, Jono, for being open and sharing your experiences to a degree in which you're comfortable. I'll be looking forward to Alicia's video, as well. Especially since you both didn't have to do this and could have totally kept these thoughts and feelings to yourselves. The vulnerability is sincerely appreciated.
This is the sanest thing I've seen in a long time! All the best to the both of you! ❤
Thank you for helping fight the stigma of divorce. People see divorce as a failure and not as a just a closing of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. I really do believe divorces become ugly because of the shame, blame and anger they associate with each other.
I am happy to hear you are supported and doing well. Thanks again for sharing these vulnerable parts of yourself that genuinely help us lurkers...
We all just so appreciate you Jonathan. Honestly this is the healthiest channel on TH-cam and it’s taught me so much!
You must be such a great dude to have a beer with, Jono. Thanks for your work, in here and in the cinematherapy channel. And all the best for you in the future and in your healing process.
Married for 20 yrs, divorced, then a few years of intense self-growth and healing. By the end of the marriage and the way it was influencing me, I was someone I didn’t want to be. Divorce started, and within just a few months my sister was killed in a tragic accident, only a few more months and my dad died. Despite the grief and panic attacks I experienced through that time, eventually I saw my divorce as a gift and blessing and a chance to refine and re-find who I was. I wish you luck and peace in your process, and moments of laughter and joys along the way to help you get through. (Waving a friendly “hi!” from northern Utah.)
This gives me hope. My husband and I have been having problems for a very long time and even with counselling and best intentions it seems like we might not be able to get on the same page. It’s getting to a point where we need to consider whether we‘ll end up sacrificing our family for the sake of upholding our marriage, if that makes sense. Making the decision is so hard, but it does really help to know that divorce can also in a way protect a relationship, not just end it.
Thank you for your willingness to share. These must still be difficult videos to make for you both. All the best!
I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this. Kudos to you though for trying to work at it. Jono's video here is a great example of how partnerships can change but still be healthy. I hope you both find peace. 💜
In a Cinema Therapy video, Jono said something along the lines that it’s healthier to model for your kids an amicable divorce and moving on to being happier separately than to stay together for the sake of the kids and marriage vows. I don’t know if this should apply to you, but I highly recommend seeing a marriage counselor and talking out the pros and cons of trying to salvage your marriage versus getting divorced.
My aunt and uncle got divorced and it was the best thing they did for their relationship and their marriage. He came to every family holiday and when he had a stroke, she was his caretaker until he had to be moved into long term care.
It’s weird to because his personality seemed to change a lot- like he was a jerk 😂😂😂 and he became very lovable and funny and friendly.
My aunt and uncle had a… borderline abusive marriage… got divorced and became really good friends. He came to every family event/Holliday and she was his caretaker after he had a stroke. It was the best thing they ever did for their relationship and for their family.
Thanks so much for the video! You've mentioned that you love spending time with each other, but have decided that y'all's relationship is not a marriage type relationship because of various reasons. I was wondering if you could do a video about what you need in a long term romantic relationship/marriage to make it last and have a fulfilling experience, besides enjoying spending time with each other? I am curious your thoughts on what is needed in the other half of the equation.
Just the fact that the two of you chose to let us into the process and your journey to healing means so much to me and I'm sure a lot of other people. You've always been a shining example of acceptance, empathy, kindness and a whole lot of other wonderful adjectives. To see an example of an amicable divorce is such a nice change from so many stories we see. I was super worried about you when I heard about the divorce so I'm so glad that things are progressing and that you're coming out the other side stronger, wiser and healthier. You're an amazing man and a wonderful father - thank you so much for taking us with you. Much love to you, Alicia and your whole family.
How amazing to see the divorce process be handled with respect and love and friendship! Too often we hear horrible stories about relationships ending in horrible ways. Seeing you and Alicia handle this with grace is an important tool and example for everyone. We need more of this. We need more ways to handle life's chaos with grace and humility while feeling all the icky emotions too. Peace to you both and kudos for maintaining your friendship thru this process. It will mean the world to your children. 💜
I am glad you are doing these as separate videos because she tends to take over the ones you do together, and I do also want to know your perspective on things.
I’ll have to rewatch some- don’t see that at all. (Not that I don’t feel a loss when jono’s lovely voice isn’t heard- just never saw their dialogue’s as unequally voiced.) I wonder if editing has anything to do with it
@@frostsong9921 I have found it frustrating in the past which is why I tend not to watch these and just watch Cinema Therapy since the guys have a good back-and-forth where they both contribute.
OOOOH THE SHADEEEE 😂😂😂
@@Futurebound_jpg 😂 But also, I end up quoting Jonathan often on my subreddit, so if he isn't able to fully contribute, I feel as if I am missing gold that I can pass along.
I wouldn't say she takes over but I've noticed she often interrupts him and yeah, sometimes it can be a bit frustrating. Although, to be fair, Jono interrupts her too sometimes. It's just noticeably less. But both of them don't seem to have a problem with it, it's just how they talk, I guess. So it's fine.
THANK YOU so much for sharing this Jono!! I think this may honestly be the most important topic for modern families and there's no where near enough support and honest discourse out there. Shame stops people from talking and helping each other, but there is no shame in finding the path that is most loving for all parties. You are doing the right thing 🙂
Hey I recognize you from psychology in Seattle comments.
This was amazing. Thank you for being so vulnerable, Jono.
I'm sorry for your difficulties.
It's hard to understand a divorce when you can only talk about the positive things to a bunch of strangers. But it's great that you keep a good relationship for your kids, it's great
If you watch our Marriage Problems playlist you'll see that we didn't just talk about the positive.
I am so sorry to hear about this…you do look sad but that’s understandable…I wish you both the very best in your future friendship and helping your kids get through this too ❤
I liked what you said about love and grief because it’s not exclusive to divorce or even romantic relationships. Eventually we will grieve for someone we loved.
I'm having a lot of relationship and mental health problems, and hearing about the challenges that a man so healthy and full as yourself face, it gives me hope for healing and makes me feel less shit for having these problems. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing what you said about getting hit by a truck. Sometimes I struggle not to feel contempt for my own sadness and grief because I imagine that healthy people have it all together and would think I was "doing it wrong" by being so hurt and sad. It helps to have someone I look up to say that it hurts them that badly, too.
not going to lie i was feeling that way today too. the thought of my cat needing me pulled me out of it
Jono you have been such a good sport about all of this. If I have learned anything from watching you on TH-cam (in all your capacities) it's how to be a resilient person. Keep shining because we need YOUR light. I so appreciate what you share. It truly makes a difference in my life.
I appreciate that!
"I feel that I don't need another person to fill that gap"
Just perfect quote.
I initially remember being knocked for six when you guys announced that you’d divorced, but as times gone on it’s actually been reassuring. It’s good to know that if you have a mature and thoughtful way to deal with it, splitting up doesn’t have to be the end of the world.
I felt knocked for six too. I didn’t get the announcement but it was in one of Jono’s vids where he said he was still Alicia’s kids guardian. That’s good tho.
I'm knocked of 6 it's the first time I found out
My parents separated 12 years or so ago. They're relationship towards the end was rocky. But since they split they have had a great relationship!
I feel like sometimes we're drawn to people in non romantic ways but we mistake it for romantic then the relationships break down in the end.
I can tell there's still a very deep sadness in your eyes, Jono. Please don't beat yourself up, you don't deserve it ❤🩹
I do not see this eye sadness you speak of, but that still is really good advice.
I felt a little guilty for needing the divorce from my ex even though we're still really good friends. But it's not the same kind of sadness, it's just a skosh melancholic, bittersweet end to a chapter.
My ex husband and I didn’t have a bad divorce either. We simply realized we had grown in different directions and knew it was best to let each other go. To this day, I still call him, “family,” and know we can both lean on one another when needed and truly want to see each other happy and prosperous. Many don’t understand and we’ve learned to accept this. We both agree as long as we’re okay with our process and have support from the ones we love we both have the right to navigate our paths towards our happiness, our futures 😊
Thank you for sharing this.
I truly appreciate hear other stories similar to one I’m experiencing.
Thank you for sharing! 💜
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and perspective. I'm looking forward to Alicia's as well. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my mom remarried when I was 14. My stepdad respected my parents' dynamic, how they became best friends after their divorce and prioritized me and my sister's wellbeing over everything else. I know it wasn't easy on the 3 of them but I'm so thankful and proud of them for putting love and kindness and support at the forefront. It is not easy but it is possible 💙
this was a truly brave and vulnerable video to film, i appreciate your courage and your integrity and that you guys want to respect your privacy and keep boundaries because this is your personal and private life, while at the same time taking something that can be so painful and bittersweet that so many people can relate to but often suffer in silence about, and helping to share the most important and healing parts of your journey in the hopes that it will help others and their families
I am (late 50s) or perhaps now, was, a person who believed in amicable breakups and partings - sadly because I've faced lying, abusive, adulterous or worse (a same aged ex who decided to chase/bond with women half my age,the same age as his own children) I've sadly had to choose to put meart and finer feeling aside and act like I'm amputating a rotting limb. You can not keep faith with the faithless. But I applaud the 2 of you finding it and living your values. Much success is wished for both of you and your family...❤🙏
This is such a great vlog. As a husband who's wife cheated on him a good bit and we've been trying to work through things for over 3 years...there's a lot of videos out there that talk about how to heal and breathing techniques but I feel like this one has more honesty and possible solution. Thank you for this.
I had one of those ugly divorces. My ex stuck in a rule that I could not leave my daughter with anyone longer than 4 hours, meaning she could not go camping with my mom even if I was going to join them for the next day at Dollywood. She even called the police on that trip. I went to the required parenting counseling, but she had a friend who could sign off on it do that, and it showed in every way. She could leave her with her parents the entire weekend, but I could not do that. My daughter ended up dying in a car wreck that my ex got in. That finally made our toxic relationship end, thankfully... Not for my daughter, though. You both are the model that we should have had. Proud of you both!
Oh my gosh! That's terrible! I'm so sorry for your loss
I'm so sorry that happened to you
I'm sorry for your loss... 💔
I'm sorry about the death of your daughter. I hope you continue to heal and grow 💚
So sad story. Hope you will heal of your loss some day
Your content has been life changing for me over the past few years, and I cant thank you enough for just sharing your thoughts. I hate that life is so unpredictable at times. I really respect the approach here and sincerely wish you both the best through this.
Oh that's rough, I'm sorry guys. But I appreciate you talking about this❤.
I'm happy to see that you're both doing better now. The two of you are such beautiful human beings and I wish you all the best ❤
1:16 “Love can change form, & not be lost.” THIS!!!
Thank you so much for the sweet and loving atmosphere you and Alicia have made on TH-cam. It’s so easy to judge myself and othersharshly because it feels like every little flaw is very criticized by the TH-cam community, y’all remind me that not everyone is critical and that change and progress is human. Love y’all!!
I appreciate your wonderful videos and your words of strength and wisdom❤❤❤
This is beautiful and thanks for sharing this. It is truly inspiring to see something like this.
this is an awesome video. an unconventional, but much needed perspective for our society, which I wish was mainstream! if my family had this approach during my childhood, we would have had such a different life experience. if i ever have a divorce (knock on wood), i feel like i'll be well equipped to manage it, especially since i have this structure / template / vocabulary i can use to express the changes in a loving way. jono and alicia -- thank you. while your love may not be romantic anymore, it's the brightest, purest love i've ever encountered, and so inspiring. thank you for sharing your heart / soul with us. looking forward to alicia's takes. ♥
Jono healing 😊👍🏻
Speaking of exercise you're looking great, Jono! 💪
This was very healing to hear. My ex and I (non-married, no kids) were having a really difficult time separating because we didn't know how to navigate our friendship without the romance. Now, he is one of the best friends I could ask for. We will always have love for each other, the romantic aspect is just absent now. Honestly, it's worked incredibly well and now I feel like I gained a lifelong friend from this experience.
I broke up with an ex that I was with for almost 8 years. It ended because we weren't right for each other but we're still good friends today. My husband knows and isn't threatened because it truly is just a friendship.
Think about you guys a lot. Hope healing continues!
I couldn’t stop crying for a year. Not friends ( I don’t hate him ) If we were still friends we would be together.
Thank you so much for what you do and say. Your example may be so helpful for those who is going to divorce and who divorsed recently
I wish you the best of luck and happiness
It's really great to see healthy models of how people can still maintain a good rapport with each other, even when shifting from romantic relationships to platonic friendships. I hope this becomes more normalized with time. Thanks for you both being so kind in sharing information from your private lives that can actually really help people.
As long as neither of you are in pain, I'm glad. However you reach happiness or want to journey towards it, this one random internet commenter supports you!
Andddd i just got an ad in the middle of this video where this man said “I can fix your marriage without you having to make compromises with your wife, etc… if you’re trying to make your wife happy, you’re absolutely insane.” What is going on lol
Sounds like a 101 class on how to be a manipulator/abuser 😂 wth
Lol!!!
@@Futurebound_jpgno. What it means is that you can't make another person happy, no matter how hard you try. The best you can do is give them what they want and need, and its probably not what they say they want. Especially if its a girl
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with this. My ex and I had a similar separation, and his family still- nine years later- won't recognize me as a platonic part of his life. Sometimes people can realize they don't work romantically and salvage (or even bolster) the friendship as the binding relationship. I can't imagine my life without my ex, but I also can't imagine being romantic with him anymore either. We both consider our past relationship successful, even though it ended. Not all relationships have to end in anger, nor does separation have to mean the end of the relationship in general. AND, not all great friendships make for good romantic partnerships. So thank you so much for representing what we've known to be a valid path for the last decade.
My favorite holiday recipe is for a family recipe called tourtiere. It's a French Canadian meat pie. We love it as a side for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Thanks for being so vulnerable. ❤
Thank you for this. ❤
Thank you for your perspective!
Thank you for sharing this. Your transparency and honesty is commendable
I appreciate that!
So nice to see that feelings matter more than vows. Why should our words mean anything reliable when feelings change by the moment. And to exemplify this to children and others is truly unique.
It's not that feelings matter more than vows. It's that mental and emotional health matter most for the family as a whole and the individual members. This decision was not the result of feelings that change moment by moment. It came after years of anguish, healing, and effort. This is the healthiest, happiest version of our relationship. Nearly a year after making the decision, it has proven to be the right one for our family's wellbeing. We and our children are thriving.
@@MendedLight telling someone why they are wrong, then explaining why they are right is part of why I don't trust therapists. Cognitive function (mental health) matters, emotional health matters, relationships matter, virtue matters, a vow matters. They can't all matter equally in every situation, so some must matter more others sometimes. If you have reasons for valuing some things over others, that's fine, own it. But please don't say you are not doing a thing, followed immediately by explaining why you are doing the thing that you just said you weren't doing. Instead try "I have decided to break my vows, end my marriage, and raise my children intermittently because I believe that emotional health and relationships matter more than those other things." That may not be nice or pleasant, but it is honest. And if we can't be honest with ourselves we don't stand a chance.
For my part I apologize for implying that this decision of prioritization was made on a whim. It clearly wasn't. I was trying to highlight that feelings and vows are supposed to last different amounts of time, and I was sloppy and rude in how I made that point. I apologize.
Wow, thankyou so much for sharing your journey with this. I did not grow up with healthy parental role-models, so all throughout my 20's I thought it was normal to break off relationships and never speak again. Someone I am close to has had a very similar thing happen; I feel like I've watched in awe as they worked through everything amicably and decided that the romantic part of their story is over. It blows my mind how many people still consider it weird for people to talk to their exes, almost 'red flags' if they do. I want to be the kind of person that someone wants to be friends with after a breakup, not blocked to never speak again. Now that I too feel whole on my own, I hope that healthy relationships like this are on my horizon. Thank you again for everything you do! Much success and happiness to you and your family
It is good to see a sane and mature divorce even if it still painful. People have different needs, no abuse was involved, moving forward is difficult but you don't need to hate or resent the other person to continue with their life.
I’ve been following you on cinema therapy and your Facebook and I love you!! I’ve learned so much from you!! Thankq you!!
I'm SO sorry for your loss.😕
Oh hun, I missed this somehow. I'm so sorry. I hope you're doing okay. I know I don't know you, I know this is a "para social relationship" as the kids say. But I care about you Jono. Take care of yourself.
Edit: this all sounds like exactly what my ex said about his ex that he was still friends with. When we got serious, she got handsy with him and sabotaged our relationship. Be careful. I don't think people can actually let go like that - some people think they can, but become territorial when they see it happening. Both myself and my ex are HSPs. Yes, I am projecting. Truly, Jono, this comes from love and caring.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, insights and thoughts of this process you are going through, for being open and authentic. I very much appreciate your decision to share this experience in the idea it could be helpfull for other people in similar situations, for me this is being a role model of sincerity and integrity. Being an hsp and working as trauma informed coach myself (loving to support people to get better, overcome hardships and thrive) I very much can relate to the inner struggles that you mentioned. It very much resonated with me when you talked about helping people to overcome hardships that we have gone through ourselves and turn it into something helpfull for others. I have the theory that hsps who are in coaching or healing professions are driven by profound empathy and compassion to provide the support and compassion that they often did not get themselves. And yeah, I also can relate to the very dark moments and thoughts. I wish you both all the best on your respective healing journeys and all the happiness in the world.
I am so sorry that your life has to shift, and that growing pains are occurring and will continue to. I am so grateful to be witness to that growth 🎋 I wish my parents had examples like this…hell I wish I had examples like this growing up. Knowing that it’s “allowed” to make room for the growth both people need…wow, that could’ve saved my family so much pain, and ugliness. Just hideous arguments erupting always in the name of “staying together for the kids” 😢 you really are paving the way for all of us (including your kiddos, which I know you already know, I just wanna validate/confirm those considerations) for grow. Thank you so much, Joni and Alicia, for sharing this process with us 💝
I am going to show this to my parents, who are going through this transition too
Great info. Love your willingness to face real life. I hope it stays amicable.
My partner and I are going through it, and sometimes I feel bad about how much I don’t really feel bad about it. I have been inspired by this series to work hard to save our friendship, and I feel it’s worth it because we’ve known each other each other for about a decade before getting married and spent another 15 years in this marriage. No matter how bad things got, we’ve always stayed friendly with each other for the most part, and making the decision to divorce has actually improved that in a way. I believe the reason I don’t feel so bad is because I’ve been thinking about it for a while and had more time to process, and I just felt so much relief from the weight being lifted, and she said she feels similar, but it’s been especially hard for her to deal with overall and I just feel so bad for her, and I kind of feel guilty about not going through it like she is.
Thank you for sharing your story,
It pains me to think of your situation happening to me but I also know you will be alright there will just be an adjustment period.
This really resonated with me! I really appreciate you sharing. I very much feel this way with my husband now and I've contemplated divorce but it feels like that would be unnecessarily painful and uproot our family of 5. Do you think it's possible to stay together knowing your love has changed to friends and is no longer romantic?
Thank you so much for this. My boyfriend and I decided to take separate paths after eight years of relationship and it’s being a really confusing time because we still love each other so much but we know we are not in the same page anymore and we need different things. But he is my best friend and we don’t want to loose each other. We decided to stay out of touch for some months and reach out when we both feel ready to love each other in the way we deserve - even if it’s by being “just” friends (wich it’s more than enough on itself). Your words give me hope to think we are going to be able to transition into a kind of love that suits us both where we can enjoy our company just like we’ve done for eight beautiful years.
Thank you so much, for real.
I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty about the difficulty of divorce in this video. As a fellow person that’s been divorced, and a new marriage and family therapist, how do you reconcile with having this experience and being viewed as a “relationship expert?” Do you see it impacting your work in any way?
I don’t believe that being a psychologist specializing in couples therapy guarantees a perfect relationship. Instead, it I think it provides tools to analyze the relationship, work on improving it, and understand when it might be healthier for everyone involved to move on.
My ex and I didnt really fight, we weren't ever cruel. People grow and change, some things came to light eventually and we realized there was no compromize; we were eventually going to hate each other regardless of those decisions. As a guess most ignore these issues and things get toxic. On the day we officially parted, my partner cried, I cried but we are friends to this day.
How did you do it (the becoming and staying friends)? If you don't mind sharing...
You seem to struggle but I am glad you are keeping busy, best success for you🎉🎉
Thanks for being a great person!
You actually have a lot to be proud of in terms of your divorce. Especially due to the fact that you have kids. You’re friends which is great. I’m totally married now, but I went through divorce about a decade ago. That relationship was pretty much a dead one. There really was no friendship and it was over. It was never a reason to have anything to do with each other ever again. Luckily there were no children involved, but if there were it would’ve been a living hell. So it’s really impressive that youcan give your kids that even if you’re no longer a romantic couple.
I’m glad you recognized that you should divorce and happily co-parent. All four of my grandparents were divorced at some point, and they were all terrible divorces where the children from the first marriages didn’t see one of their parents for decades. Even after all of my grandparents have all passed away, my family is still dealing with some of the consequences.
Hugs to you and Alicia for the part that hurts. Cause loving people do not choose to marry in order to divorce down the line BUT loving people do choose to separate out of love and respect for one-another. It's really not that different with friendships or even family either.
Sometimes what we each need - as it also has changed and grown and developed into different directions through time - cannot be held in the same space. Sometimes it costs us more than we can afford to make it work. Sometimes it's not even that, but that our purpose is calling and we can no longer ignore how it calls us away and it'd just be to cruel to be "alone together" when you could be "friends who have supportive partners by their sides in the places where purpose has called you to".
Life is challenging like that sometimes. And in such times, clinging to something that does work is NOT a neutral state. It can absolutely take very very very bad turns. And that is far worse than separating timely, while you still can extend love!
My parents didn't divorce when they should have and stuck it out for 5+ years longer than they should have. It destroyed their friendship and made coparenting their minor children for the next 13 years really contentious. They have both been remarried for 20 years and their youngest is almost 30 but they never really grew past it. They're still weirdos around each other at family events. Thier spouses are quite similar and get along well though so at family functions my step-parents are friendlier with each other than my parents!
I love that you both are always saying what you loved/cared about each other. But I want to know what was the breaking point for both of you to push you both into the decision to divorce.
Your voice and inflection show you are still grieving. Your thoughts about continuing to be friends and just expanding the family sound nice, and while I wish you well, reality tends to work best when you are more exclusive. I have no right to suggest, but for your sake, be decisive in how you form relationships; be exclusive and be strong. Being inclusive in your family will do harm.
It could be very possible down the line when time has passed, of course it's a little more difficult with those fresh wounds. You have to trust their agency as responsible adults to decide what's best for them.
7:35
The dad in clueless is an underrated gem
I agree!
My husband and I have had an in-house separation/coparenting relationship for just over a year now, with plans for a divorce in the next 4 years. The death of a marriage is a hard one to come to terms with but sometimes it needs to happen so both parties can be healthy, safe and find healing. While I will never have the same romantic relationship with my husband again, I will always have a love for him, respect him and will always be in his corner rooting for him. As the father of my kids and the one who shares some of life's greatest memories, I truly hope he finds healing in this journey and beyond. He will always be one of my best friends.
I can't imagine how painful it must be when there are even children involved. I already suffered a lot for someone that i still love despite all these years and i can't imagine going again through that if i somehow open again to a new partner.
It feels me with dread and honestly its stopping me from forming any meaningful connection. It's so bad to the point i just dropped the whole idea of having a partner and just enjoy friendships... but a part of me really wants to be a father.
Mended Light So I dated a divorceé and it did not end well. We did get engaged, but tbh, eventhough he was divorced, he was still imo still deeply imvolved in her life and in love with her. Tbh, I believe that played a huge part of him eventually breaking off the engagement with me.
That was so hard for me.
You should adress dating and getting involved with divorceés and what to do to avoid pitfalls, like I did. Im not adverse to dating such, even after this experience, but it's just different compared to other dating.
I'm not much of a commenter, it's very rare that I actually comment on stuff... And I'm sorry for any typos or mistakes because I I am just bawling my eyes out right now I can barely see my screen.... But there's ONE PART of this that struck a cord with me and literally brought me to tears.... And that was at the 8 minute mark when you talk about your step son
My mom also met my step dad when I was 3... IMMEDIATELY told a little 3 year old girl "call me daddy I'm your daddy!" And I was LITERALLY RAISED believing this man WAS in fact my father! I was 10 when they broke up, and the marriage counselor told them TO WAIT till I was older to tell me the truth, that he had stepped up and made a promise to me and he needed to honour that.
Well I was on visitation weekend with him one weekend with my brothers when I was 10 or 11... I don't remember it because I must have blocked it out because it was just so traumatic, but according to my mom Him and his gf at the time got drunk and told me the truth and we're NOT NICE about it at all. My mom said when I came home I locked myself in my room for a week and cried and wouldn't come out except to eat. A couple years later when I was 12 he told me he wasn't taking me on weekends anymore... He didn't want me and he never did. Like... Who the fuck says that to a 12 year old?
I'm 40 now... And it still fucking hurts, it still fucking cuts at me that someone was able to so easily discard me. Save the fucked up part is that despite all the abuse and abandonment he put me through....a small tiny part of me miss him.... Because even tho he was shitty I miss having a fucking dad. I look at my friends getting married and having their father daughter dances and it kills me so much knowing that I'll never get to have that special moment (not that I'll be getting married any time soon 😞)
It really makes me happy that they're are TRULY loving, caring, any kind men out there like you... I'm so happy that your stepson has such an amazing and loving "stepdad", and that even though you're not with his mom you still love him and want him like your own.
I wouldn't wish my horrible experience on ANYONE...
😢❤. Thanks for sharing. Pain is pain no matter the age. It is okay to grieve for the person he was to you that he no longer chose to be. You get to be that person for the people you choose❤.
"You divorce spouses not children" YES!! Same with families. I'm in a blended family and it's seriously the best... it's not always a good healthy situation but it can be and I wish that for all blended families.
Some a lot of divorces end ugly because they people end up hating each other or there was abuse etc. However, I had a friend who's parents had a happy divorce. They said 'hey we love each other but not romantically so we think it is best we are just friends.'
I had a partner for about 5 years and recently seperated. We wanted different things. But we work well as friends instead, and that is how it started anyway. He is still 'cat dad' to my cat, and i guess if anything happens to me, he is the one to take her in, or find her a loving home if he can't. It is hard sometimes, and i feel guilt for the times i was less than agreeable. But i am learning to live with it.
I'm in the same situation. My husband and I ended our romantic relationship, but we still love each other very much. It's soooo so hurtful that it had to end this way, but it's probably for the best. I'm not yet there - feeling that I'm healing? Maybe a little? What we don't do is talk about our grief or he doesn't. I'm in therapy now and my therapist thinks we both lost ourselves in our wish for symbiosis. So it's probably for the best to not know each and every detail at the moment? I know that if I knew about all the hurtful things I did or whether he regrets things, then I might not be able to forgive myself and move on? He told me that he doesn't regret, doesn't blame me and wants me to focus on getting better and eventually getting happy. So that's what I wanna do...
Big life lesson. People are responsible for their own feelings.
❤❤❤ thank you for sharing your story
As a man who has gone through a divorce in the last few years, this is extremely helpful; however, at the same time, this hurts.
After my split and he hurt me so much that I just can't be a member of his fan club.I cant be his friend. I now find that he disgusts me
My parents divorced when we were already teens (16 and 17) and they did it in the best way possible putting emphasis on the fact that we were still a family and it was just their romantic relationship that ended. And to this day we celebrate Christmas and birthdays together and my parents managed to stay good friends who still support each other. They made a great decision.
My parents were the same. My mom got pregnant with my sister and my parents eloped in Vegas lol. Anyway, fast forward a few years and a couple kids in and they divorced. I asked them why, and they said they were better off friends. They were kind to each other and never used me or my sister against each other. My Dad unfortunately passed 10 years ago and my mom definitely grieved him, there wasn't any contempt towards him and she was there when for his memorial. I know relationships don't always work but if I can find a love like that, where even if we divorce we can still be friends then I would count that as a blessing