The GENEROUS Narcissist
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Narcissists are very generous when they're giving you a big side order of mental, physical, emotional and financial abuse. The best gift a narcissist can give you, is to stay out of your life.
"After everything I've done for you!"
Oh, yeah!
Exactly. They give so they can Manipulate,take it all away when you see through their bs. Don't get too attached to anything narcissist gives you including children
I don't like accepting anything from them because I know there's a hidden cost to my sanity and emotional state. No thank you
I would rather sleep under a bridge and hold out a sign for handouts than live with a narc.
No amount of gifts or favors can replace peace of mind. If you have a small roof over your head and no one constantly demeaning and criticizing you, that’s a priceless situation to have.
Peace has no price.
couldn't agree more
I totally agree on this
A narcissist does everything for themselves. Every gift is given with strings attached, expectations of reciprocity. Nothing is freely given. Ever. They will hold everything over your head.
If you're worried about reciprocity being expected in return, perhaps you are the problem.
Exactly!!!!
Exactly! It's a debt that can never be paid off.
Yup. I was with someone (briefly) who blew his cover when he told me about not allowing someone else to repay a *favor* he had done them, because he wanted them to 'be indebted' to him.
Been married to one for 18 years it’s never without reciprocity
It is so hard to call out the generous narc because everyone around only see the good deeds this person does. No one seems to recognize the controlling manipulative and arrogant behaviors because they are blinded by "how nice" the narc is.
This is how it is for me now. Can't go no contact right now so I just gray rock as much as possible, sit back and watch the theatrical performance!
Everyone thought my narcissist husband was the nicest, most generous man in the world. Incredible, fabulous, funny, the life of any get together.
When he passed away I found out he had canceled his life insurance, and put a line of credit on our home. A huge line of credit. Unbelievably huge.
I’m currently left in serious debt. I thought to myself, it’s not freedom 55 for you, it’s freedom 85 instead. I’m handling the situation, but there are days I feel stressed and quietly emotional. I keep it all to myself. Even in death he is super popular. No one would believe me if I did tell the true story. I often would think that if the facts came out people would assume I was the guilty spender. I wanted to walk away from him but I knew the character assignation he would do would destroy me. He had a fancy degree, actually more than one degree. Everyone thought he was so smart. I guess he was pretty smart because he lived very well and sort of snuffed me out. He was always taking people on trips and paying their way. He would always foot the bill for restaurant meals. Sometimes the bill was over $500. He was a generous tipper as well. I’d feel sick because I knew his credit card was at 25k and he made the minimum payment on it, I could never figure him out.
I realized that all the stories he had told me about his previous wife were actually completely incorrect. That is why I knew he would destroy me if I left him. When he was dying he wanted a big funeral because so many people would be wanting to come. I paid for his funeral with my rainy day/emergency fund. I had been saving money for about 5 years and used it for the expenses. There were about 1200 people at his service. It’s been nearly 5 years and I still feel numb and hollow inside. There are only four people in this world that know the truth. We really don’t discuss it much because it’s in the past, and talking about it will not fix the problem. I just have to get up every morning, face the day and get to work. I don’t know if I can ever retire but I’m very healthy and hopefully it stays that way, I send blessings to anyone who is currently experiencing a narcissist relationship or suffering the consequences of leaving a narcissist. 🌟🙏🌟
Grey rock is key. It has been the best strategy of all when dealing with a mother like this.
Going grey rock is a quick way to find out what kind of npd you are dealing with.
Yea I totally agree. I had a friend like this. They were so needy but the fee was their so called generosity. Then there was the guilt trips for doing things without them or not always listen to their bs problems. 12:15
This describes my sister so fucking well!!!! A fucking roller-coaster ride. I still love her but I stay away from her.
Oh boy, I could write a book just on this one. So, my narcissistic ex gf recently attempted a hoover on me after I left her about 12 or so years ago. She called me while inebriated and teary eyed saying how unhappy she is, and how I was "the one" and how badly she messed up and blah blah blah. This woman threw me out of the house when I had thyroid cancer because I wasn't going to be able to work while going through treatment, and she couldn't handle the "hassle" of me being sick. This woman put my son and I through hell.
She's married now, and unhappy. She tells me that she wants me back. How she is now in charge of thousands of people and this clinic and that center now. Her family was very wealthy, and she has now inherited the money. She said that the house is worth over a million dollars, and how I could just write and paint and swim and never have to worry about anything ever again for the rest of my life. How I was so amazing, and how, "it's just so sad I never knew how amazing I am."
I listened to her yammer on. I went from amused to hear karma in real time, to outright annoyed, to just very sad that this is who she is, and she will never change. I thought I had wanted to see her suffer. Turns out, I don't, it's just saddening.
So what did I do? I told her HELL no. That I am content in my tiny studio apartment with my goofy, loving dog, and crazy kitty who believes she is a dog. That NO amount of money would EVER get me to come back. That I wish her well, but I am not her therapist, and then I suggested she find one.
I have found my integrity. I have found my voice. I am healing like crazy. I am so damn proud of myself.
I am so proud of you, took!!!!….♥️
Thank you so much! :) @@abowling5759
TAKE THAT W AND NEVER LET NO ONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT. Live life man.
MAAADDD RESPECT TO YOU SIR!! I wish ypu thr very best of health!!!
Awesome...... mine did the same.... oh hell no! We are not the consolation prize.
My mom is a generous narcissist. I don’t have the mental energy to write out all the mind games that come along with her gift giving but I believe it is all about control.
My stepdad is one. When he was mad at my mother I would come home to six new outfits. They may be gifts but the bill is in the mail
My mom is one too. It’s created some real issues because I refuse to ask for help since I believe that if I accept help then I’ll end up paying for it for the rest of my life.
There is no such thing as a free lunch.
My uncle was to the bitter end, though he was a mix of covert and grandiose. He would take all of us out for sushi and pay the check as he made these big speeches (ugh they were so cringey too). Then he would cite every single purchase against you in any argument. Like he was keeping a bank balance book, even citing as far back as when I was a toddler. Like how he would shower me with gifts. Ok? And?! I never asked for any of that stuff and that was HIS choice! I was a freaking child. But he tried using it against me. It never worked, so he’d resort to calling me names like “the devil” even though I was caring for his every need when he was in hospice. Just because I wouldn’t do something like drive in the middle a blizzard to pick up a very specific food he wanted from across town.
I’m so glad he is gone. He was an awful person.
Same here. When I come to her with conversations about not wanting her assistance, she responds with sayings like "you hate me" or "you're ungrateful" or "you don't love me".
This was my 27 year marriage with my ex. He always grabbed the check for our circle of friends. We had 100k in debt on credit cards. He gave too generously to our church, charities, and now, does it to our grown children, which is not helpful. He did and does all of this for the "glow" he thought it gave him.
Meanwhile my life was a living hell. Not only did we have money problems, I was completely invalidated. He raged at home because he was constantly stressed out about money. I was just lucky to be there. My own sense of self in those 27 years was annihilated. And absolutely no one understands, even my church, which I left. My ex was having an affair with one of my friends there. No one of course wanted to "take sides". They did take a side, of course, with the guy who tended to write them a fat check.
I have been out of that horrible marriage for 8 years. I am just now regaining my sense of balance. This video is very validating for me. Thanks so much.❤
Good for you for getting out! Hang in there, you've got this!
How horrible. I wish you peace on your road to healing and wellness.
@@karlabritfeld7104 Thank you so much! I am much happier now.❤️
@@carolfield2760 Thank you so much. Hearing words of affirmation means so much to me. I appreciate your kind words more than you know!❤️
Girl, I'm glad you got out. Enjoy your life!
This is EXACTLY my current situation. I’ve worked on a secret exit plan and I’m leaving tomorrow. But nobody will believe me because he bought my house, my car, and I’m severely disabled and in public looks after me. But at the end of the day I would rather walk (well, wheel myself) away homeless than stay another day. I stayed at least 5 years too long because of this. I grew up in care and have lived on the streets, I am so easy to beat down with money security. “Golden handcuffs” is exactly the right phrase.
Proud of you! Please stay safe 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
YOU GOOD?
All the best ❤
I applpud you - Hope you are allright?
@@lithopheliax61x5 I couldn’t get away, I had to make a split second decision. But I’m not giving up!
Narcissists can be generous in the beginning to get you hooked. But most of the time it’s just lies and future faking. And once you’ve given everything you had, you will look back and realise that they never had anything to give. You will always lose out in the end.
Hahahah my narcissistic ex was deep in debts because he uses money to hook women Hahaha. I'm glad I'm out of this fake world he created!!! 😂
This is so true and I had to learn the hard way. I did learn a very valuable lesson but now it's difficult for me to trust again.
You're right
Absolutely fact and I lived it with my ex husband
Yes
“You can’t negotiate with a tiger when your head is in its mouth.”
Yep. I’m right there feeling that 👍🏼
If it's generosity for a gain it's false generosity.
If a person is giving and it is to manipulate you. It is manipulation which is not truly giving
This rings so true for me. My grandiose narcissistic parent gave extravagant presents to everyone. They bought me two super expensive outfits a year, which I had to wear when we were out with friends and the rest of the time, I had nothing. They would not buy me a school uniform or school shoes because none of their friends could see me then.
I got an after-school job when I was 15 and have done everything to be as financially independent as possible, and the parent was furious. They were outraged that I earned and saved my own money. I got a professional job at the age of 22 and rose through the ranks very quickly, and my parent would get really undermining every time I got a promotion. I never mentioned how much I earned or had, but I was obviously successful and much more so than my golden child sibling. The parent couldn't stand it that the black sheep moved away and had a great career, great marriage and good friends while the golden child stayed under their wing and had a mediocre life. They also married a narcissist.
In the end what they gave me was a gift of being independent and free.
this is so beautiful thank you for sharing
My very wealthy in laws said they wanted to buy us a new house... an upgrade.. they convinced us to sell our house... We never asked for this. It was an offer. We didn't even plan on moving. Well, we did... and right after our house sold, my narcissistic mother in law changed her mind. Left us houseless having to find a new house on our own with no plan. Luckily, we're in a place where we were able to do things by ourselves... but they lost their relationship with us... it was a setup ... we never asked for it. I'm no contact now. That was my last straw. My husband is in minimal contact. I know they're worried about us telling people this... I just don't care anymore. You shouldn't toy with such a huge part of someone's life. I'll never trust them again.
That's horrible, I'm so sorry they did that to you.
@jarenkoelzer1994 thank you for your care. It caused a lot of relationship tension but atleast we're now both on the same page, his parents are not trustworthy people.
Tell EVERYBODY
I wish you and your husband a TON of peace and happiness. You both deserve it.
@@Scorpio.connect
This idea came from my father inlaw(they didnt say this, I just know his character)...the breadwinner, it was his business that made them wealthy. My husband worked for him for many years and was a big part of why it was successful. He wasn't paid his fair share, instead his dad would gift us things like house repairs etc... he wanted to finally properly reward his son for his time and dedication to the business...but his narcissistic wife got in the way. Hes embarrassed, I can tell... but still I'm just done, it was the most difficult situation we've ever been put in.
My mom is a generous narcissist. It was bind bending when she did it to me growing up, but I did call her out on it when she did it to a waitress one time. She was being extremely rude to this waitress who was just doing her job. I told her she can’t treat people like that and she said, “I’m going to give her a big tip.” She genuinely believes that money makes up for shitty behavior. I have been NC for almost 4 years and am slowly learning to live in peace.
It only gets better 😊 No contact for 15+ years. Best thing I ever did for myself.
My in laws and my husband...
You believe she is full fledged narcissist personality? Waitress thing sure might be clue because my dad skips up front in lines. He always says something mean and demands them instantly respond.
F-money, yet.
Unbeknownst to her, this is how my narcissistic mother inadvertently taught me how to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. Thanks mom! 😂😂😂
Same here. My narc mother thought that by making herself indispensable to others, by using her money as the weapon of choice, that she could hold it over their heads, then make sure that everyone else knew of her generosity, and even trash talk the individual that she made the loan to. In her mind she was the ultimate martyr and problem solver. I went no-contact with her years ago, and I'm sure she fabricates a twisted version of events, to explain away my ghosting her.
Me too although in recent years I've learned to ask for help where appropriate and expect it (reasonable levels) from those close to me but that was a hard less and I still slip into "screw this I'll do things myself".
@@qnkendra1523 independence opens up so many doors, for those that gain it. Stand strong my friend
Oh heck yeah!! Thanks Dad. He taught me to be very suspicious of those proverbial horses.
Me too 😂
This describes my mom exactly. My parents were generous to me - paid my tuition, bought me a car, helped me out in other ways. My dad, not a narc, never said a single word about any of it other than "We love you and want you to enjoy this." Mom, however, took every opportunity to remind me how generous they were and claim credit by saying it was either her money or that she talked my dad into it (both false). It wasn't until after my dad's death that I started really regretting accepting their gifts because with dad out of the way, mom got more relentless about holding everything over my head, and then I realized dad had never done that. My mom believes she's so generous and giving, but everything is 100% transactional with her. If she doesn't believe she's getting proper credit and appreciation for her generosity she will lash out with a vengeance. In fact, if you even ask her for a favor she doesn't want to do, she will lash out. Those phrases "there's no harm in asking" and "the worst they can say is No" are definitely NOT true with my mom. Because asking for something she doesn't want to give activates her shame and self-loathing, reminding her that she's not the generous person she thinks she is. I would love for Dr Ramani to go deeper on how these people manipulate with money and what a trap door it is to engage with them. Could be a whole series, or a whole TH-cam channel unto itself.
☑️ 100 this. Well expressed comment, thank you for posting.
I bet your mom was generous with dads money,she just manipulated him in everything and made it look like it's hers..
That's how my narc parents are. They give gifts, favors, anything material you name it. But these gifts will later be used as a weapon. Whenever I took up for myself or pointed out their toxic behavior they would say, "You are so selfish. Remember that gift we bought you? Remember when I drove you across town? We do so much for you " That's why I'm reluctant to accept their gifts cause it will later be used to keep me in line. Yet if I don't accept their gifts I'm selfish then too.
They give material things so easily yet they could never give me the unconditional love, validation, and emotional support I so desperately needed.
I completely understand what you’re talking about more than you know!!! And then if you try to explain this to other people they will say but aren’t you grateful??!!!! No one is grateful to have to put up with verbal abuse and constantly be humiliated.
Just because someone gives you things doesn't mean the bad things they do and did weren't any less bad or cruel. In their minds is does. In the minds of people outside watching in it does as well. The only thing you can do is know the truth in your heart and validate yourself with logic.
Yes, you are put in a position where you lose if you accept their gift & you lose if you decline it :/
Jeez. You basically just told my life’s story.
@@xanpena3505 Yes, so in a way it’s a form of gaslighting
My father would frequently buy extravagant gifts for us. But he expected to never be held accountable for breaking boundaries. He eventually messed up really bad and threatened to call CPS to take my son because my husband and I decided not to visit him on Christmas. I immediately cut ties. I couldn't risk him threatening my relationship with my kid
Hell to the NO! 🎯
Sending Strength of Love... we survive to thrive... As Victor rather than Victim 🙏
My narcissistic ex husband was apparently very generous but I realised later that his gifts were transactional. When I didn’t agree to something, he’d blow the situation out of proportion and remind me of how kind and generous he’d been over the years, telling me he deserved better treatment from me.
Nothing from a narcissist is sincere or genuine. Gifts are a down payment. It took me years to work that out but better late than never.
Heartbreaking but better to accept that they simply don’t have anything genuine to give ❤️🩹
Same, mine tries to guilt me saying how she does things which imo are part and parcel of being in a marriage, just like I do things for the betterment of us, but I’m not holding them over her head like she does with me.
your ex husband shoulda just left if he wasnt getting what he felt like he needed out of the relationship
@@nosiphomkhwanazi7253 it’s frustrating and draining. I hope you’re free from narcissistic tyranny. 💕💕
@@damndirtyape1363 they keep mental notes in their heads. They brag about their ’generosity but never show appreciation for the things we do. 💕💕
I had to turn 40 and go through a lot, a lot of therapy before I even began to realize that my normal, wasn't normal. Growing up with a narcissist alters the way you see people and the world, and unfortunately it takes (well at least it did for me) a massive amount of shaking before you wake up from the nightmare. A lot of people don't understand why anyone would stay and take the abuse, but that's the horrifying beauty of narcissists - they are so good at it! They are so good at making you think, you are the problem, so why wouldn't I stay? If I'm the problem, it's not going to be any different with other people, now is it?
Very good explanation of how narcissistic abuse entangles
This is harder when you are prob on the spectrum and have add and other issues because you realize you are the problem w some family members and possibly anyone you get close to
Yeah they truly are charming aren't they. I hate it.
Well said! I feel this down to the bone. As the daughter of a narcissist, I was raised to believe that I was the problem and that being treated decently was a privilege granted to those who were good enough (which I never was), not a right. That made getting clear of my narcissistic ex really difficult later in my life. I had a lot to unlearn.
Haha I never knew what was normal and not.
Omg. That’s my mother. I couldn’t stand getting gifts from her. She’d put us down all the time and then give us stuff. Paid for our tuition, offered to buy us big stuff…. Offered to put a big down payment for a home….. I walked away as did my little sister. My big brother and sister are constantly putting their hands out for more. 😞
I would throw my mom's gifts out because she would insult me. Like one year she bought me a self help book by Joel Olsteen. She told me it would help me with my issues...she said it in a smug way.
Yep, partly my story, too. My siblings who accepted are also broken and so depressed. I feel that my life was enriched in another way for leaving early. I did involved myself tho with another narcissist later. It was a friend but when friends become family, then it's more intense, maybe even like a relationship in significance. But thankfully now see the bigger picture.
@@kameshiam1674 Maybe you perceived it wrong. I am sure your mom loves you very much and some of us just suck at the way things come across to others. We are misunderstood.
@@penelopepittstopPSeek professional help. How are you gonna gaslight someone sharing their experience with a generous narcissist while commenting on the same exact video that you think you're a generous narcissist?
@@kameshiam1674I am sure you have not perceived it wrong. That is such a horrible situation to be in. It is so hard to convey how dirty and demeaning it feels to be given something material, whilst at the same time being put down and despised for accepting it.
It is as if you have just confirmed you're a dirty money grubber, and so she can then justifiably treat you with contempt.
For many years I accepted money from my mother, telling myself not to be upset at her snooty attitude when giving it to me, telling myself that it was her only way of showing me any affection. Until the day she literally threw a handful of notes at me and they landed all over the floor. "Oops!" she said. "Sor-ry!" Then she started sniggering and stiffling laughter as I picked them up. I felt so ashamed that I began refusing money from her, and each time I did she flew into a rage at me for being "ungrateful".
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I had a “best friend” who made me feel awful about myself most of the time but she would do really thoughtful things like fly over when I had cancer, send me thoughtful things ….. we always exchanged gifts. Giving gifts is a love language of mine and I thought there’s no way that she could be bad. My other friends weren’t sure. She once gave me a ring with the coordinates to my mom’s favorite roller coaster and the date of her death. So I always dismissed her bad behavior towards me and told myself and others that she had a really good heart. And I would lavish gifts on her as well. I wanted her to feel loved. She was always a victim in her life (everyone else has it so easy and poor me). We had a giant blowup last year. It was awful and I sat in the guest room and cried while she sat with our other two friends in the living room and laughed and went on with the night as if nothing was happening and blamed me for my reaction. I felt so ashamed that I let her get a reaction out of me like that. She brought up my ex husbands Facebook page at dinner and shared how his girlfriend had the same birthday as her and that he posted about it, knowing he never even mentioned my birthday when I was very sick with cancer or ever posted about me on social media. She then pointed out my reaction and called me selfish etc. very traumatic event but I’m so much happier not waking up every day worried that I’m not being good enough for her standards and get punished and told I’m awful for not calling when I was supposed to. 15 years.
I have served 70 years as the daughter of a covert malignantna narc. She never loved anyone. I didnt know the sweet side of my father. She made him the enforcer. I was afraid of him. She drove my brother to suicide. We didnt realize her game until she put dad in a nursing homd. We saw her without the mask. She is in her past season 95 yrs old. I know her game and i intend to live my best life and not let her steal one more
Smarter nos
>never again mother dearest
@@deborahuetz1832Was there remorse from her after your brother passed away? Or did she frame your father into being guilty of his tragic end ?
Did you know your mother's parents? If yes , do you remember how they were? Did your mother get it from parents who had bad behaviour? Maybe were abusive?
I’m going through this exact same situation. Thank you for commenting because now I don’t feel crazy 😭. I used to react to people’s reaction to my boundaries & it’s felt like I’ve had to fight for my autonomy my entire life. It’s so good to see this but at the same time I’m so so sorry you went through this. I really hope you have better friends around you. I know this year has been teaching me who’s safe to talk to & who’s not safe.
Beware of narcissists bearing gifts.
I need this on a tee shirt!😂
@@avanellehansen4525it should be on a shirt or mug! So succinct & accurate
It took me years to realise that gifts and generosity could be under the guise of control and toxicity. Your videos allow me to be more mindful and recognise these signs early on and cut this and these people out or where that is not possible, limit the time and exposure to it.
My narc fooled everyone with his so-called generosity but it was so transactional that I finally realized it was a way of creating dependency in me & others… like his phony compliments I caught on that it is just another form of manipulation ❤️🩹
@@avanellehansen4525 It should be on t shirts!
O.M.G…I thought I was the only person who ever dealt with this growing up. I never talked about it because I figured nobody would be able to relate. Seeing all these comments is so validating.
I have encountered people who forced their generosity on me - when I profusely refused they would become aggressive. Once, without my knowledge or consent, a person bought me a gift only to request it back after I wouldn't comply with their requests. Thank you Dr Ramani.
I like the phrasing you've use ('forced their generosity on me'). Had not thought of it like that but that is exactly how I felt with a former friend.
@@ac1646 yes - you politely decline and they keep pushing and eventually still pay for it. Unlike close friends and relatives - strangers or colleagues rings alarms for me.
Yup
Same here. The vindictiveness that followed my "no thank you" was as if I •owed• first being bribed and then being used by the narc to the narc . )) Their patterns are trackable.
@@olyooshka yes 👍🏻 very.
Your point about losing other available support because of a generous narcissist is so important. I had someone swoop in after my son’s death. So many people rallied around me in the aftermath, but the narcissistic relationship became so isolating and controlling and seemed to cover all my bases. So many friendships that could have actually deepened and strengthened through that trauma just fell away. The narcissist was not someone I would have gotten close to in other circumstances when I was not so broken. When I finally emerged years later I was in much worse circumstances in every aspect of my life than when I was “rescued.” I’ll recover, but this cost me so much at a time when there was genuine healthy support lining up for me I let fall by the wayside, when I could have been nurturing friendships that were mutually supportive. It’s sickening.
The things that were able to get me almost irretrievably devastatingly destroyed for a few years would not ever have been able to put me to such depths had I not been distracted by grief for a child a parent my marriage ending and hysterectomy.... I was in the cross hair I had no idea that I was even being hunted for my soul and I was truly easy prey.
I’m sorry that appended to you at such a vulnerable time. God will right all wrongs. Only he can.
The generosity of the narcissist is conditional- there’s strings attached- narcissists have the “you owe me” mindset (“I did these generous deeds for you -what are you doing to do for me later on ?- YOU OWE ME!”)
They’re always scoreboarders when it comes to generosity
I don’t know exactly how she did it but my mom has made me terrified from a young age of running out of money. She is also a generous narcissist. The combination of those mind games was unbearable and I am glad I got away. It is 100% about control and narcissistic supply. It sucks to realize that likely none of it was genuine but it just makes my decision to go no contact more comfortable to sit with. Thank you for this video, Dr. Ramani.
(s)he who giveth you everything has the power to take it all back off you.
Narcs are generous in the same way mob bosses are, but you have to play by the mob's rules...or else.
Ooooo. Good one.
I'm currently experiencing this. I tried explaining my predicament to a friend who responded by telling me how ungrateful I am. I needed to hear this. Thank you Dr. Ramani 🤗
And this is why I don’t tell people. They just don’t get it 😅
Some friend.
Tell your friend to fuck off from all of us! 😭
Same story here, that "friend" yelled at me later even more for being ungrateful. I cut them off my life, of course they blamed for it too. Best decision of my life. Later I learned that good friends support you in hard times and celebrate your success with you. Be careful and good luck!
I hope you end that friendship. That's no friend at all! Get out of this situation, and get out of that friendship.
There is ALWAYS a "price" when narcissists give gifts, offer to pay for a meal, etc.
The price is taken by the narcissist in many ways:
1. Telling you that you're irresponsible with money, & that's why you're poor.
2. Repeatedly reminding you of their "gifts" as proof of love.
Or asking, "where would you be if I had not done such-and-such?!"
Especially when used as a response to a disagreement.
("see how much I've done for you!"
3. Using their gifts/support/payment for items as a means to shame my children,
"It's too bad your kids don't want to help you."
Or if I dare ask for financial help, they have said, "Why don't you ask your kids to help you? Why should I do it?"
There's an unfailing dig at your ability to "carry my weight" or the assumption that my kids don't love me, because, "If your kids loved you, they would help you!"
4. The latest, outrageous, true story is the parent who told me, "I would like to leave you my car when I die, but you must reimburse your siblings for the fair market price."
(In other words, "my gift to you of a 14 year old car) isn't a gift after all. (You must pay for everything you inherit.")
Then there's the "forgotten" gift: mom told me when I was 8 or 10 years old, "This set of dishes is for you when I'm gone."
Fast forward to 60 years later, and mom promises the remaining dishes to my daughter, essentially 'skipping' me.
When I reminded her privately of her promise, she angrily denied ever having said it, and told me I was a "serial liar".....and of course retreated to her room to call my siblings, telling them what a horrible person I am.
I've decided I want NONE of her stuff: it will only serve as a reminder of the abuse, loss of trust, and long-standing betrayal.
My eldest sibling, who is the Trustee of mom's estate, threatened that I will receive "little or nothing of any inheritance." Adding, "I'm mom's Executor. I can have her change her Will. Mom will do what I tell her to do!"
The price of such gifts is self respect.
Nothing is worth it.
I've done nothing to deserve this abuse.
At this point in my life, at 70+ years old, I don't think I owe my family of origin anything.
I am polite, and that's all.
I can't wait to go No Contact.
Accepting gifts from Narcs results in a price I will not pay.
The will is always a weapon. Forget about it!
@@erikavaleries
Indeed!
And a pitiful one at that.
Love your comment and it is true they cant just give and that is it ,my ex husband always wanted to do something I hate
I am in the same boat. Written out of a very large inheritance after behind my back telling siblings I was getting more as I take care of both of them very sick. Very abusive. I have thrown away everything of my parents. I found out at 60 they did to really love me or their grandchildren. He used his money in secret to manipulate people. Sick evil person. Wish I had these tapes so much earlier in life. Now I just watch till he snaps and cuts off my siblings which he will. At least I have peace which is priceless.
Want a good advice?
'Don't get mad get paid'.
Would you rather be dealing with a narcissist who abuses you in all the ways plus financially? Take the generosity and nod your head.
My ex was very generous while he was love bombing me in the beginning of our relationship. I always offered to share costs and he would refuse, saying he earnt much more than me. I didn't realise at the time it was all done with a "you owe me" sentiment which reared it's ugly head further down the line.
I got away thankfully, it wasn't an easy task but I did it. Free of having my sense of self eroded and it feels good. Thanks for this video
I saw the red flags but ignored them because of all the help my partner gave me. Once I got tired of his shady behavior and called it out, I became the biggest poor pos in his word salad. He threw my disability at me and kept reminding me that he was helping me. I hadn't dealt with bribery in a narcissistic dynamic before. Thank you Dr Ramani for bringing this to light.
It all boils down to the fact that they are unstable, manipulative not direct, have self serving ulterior motives, won’t be there for you when you least expect such a thing to happen. It doesn’t matter whether they’re generous, vulnerable, malignant or whatever they’re all just toxic people.
Me too!
I had the same experience, it's very confusing and disruptive. I hope you are doing fine now.
Yes. They are poison ☠️.
They constantly remind you they are the only one working and they are contributing the most material wise I get that crap a lot.
It took me a long time to remove a narcissistic friend from my life because she was so “generous” with me. These videos and podcasts have been incredibly helpful for me to identify why her gifts have always put a knot in my stomach, or why I told myself it was “okay” for her to minimize anything I was going through while she talked at me for hours about all the problems she was suffering from. Thank you, Dr. Ramani 🙏🏼
I had a friend just like that. We are no longer close.... marriages, different family situations.....I only really felt guilty relief over the distance that grew between us.
I had the exact same experience with a friend I had for 10 years. I can't believe I enrured so long. They really target empathetic and vulnerable people.
A generous narcissist is never a secret they always have to let everyone know their Good Deeds. Their fuel comes from the pat on the back. I was in a relationship with one for over a decade and also that generosity does not come without a price you will be reminded of their Good Deeds over and over and over and over and over again.
Yes. I was traveling with my sister after she had sent several packages to our neices in Georgia who each have several kids. My sister put their thank you responses on the speaker in her car so
I could hear all the praise they gave her.
I call this recitation “the litany”!
Yep. They never do anything nice I’m secret. The narc I know tells stories on repeat of the ‘nice’ things they do.
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
Unmasking the facade of Generous Narcissists reveals a troubling paradox. Their acts of apparent benevolence often serve as a smokescreen for their insatiable thirst for admiration and control. Beneath their charming exterior lies a calculated manipulation, exploiting the vulnerability of others for personal gain. It's essential to remain vigilant and recognize that not all acts of generosity are truly selfless. By shedding light on these darker aspects, we can empower ourselves to navigate these complex dynamics with caution and protect our emotional well-being.
The difference between sincerity based on honoring the innate dignity of self and others and virtue signaling based on superficial displays for instant gratification with little awareness of innate dignity?
@@pragmaticpoet Exactly!! ✅️ 🎯
I think you’re right. Thank you for helping me better understand what I’ve grown up experiencing but not understanding, until this great video and your comment. Your comment was very well written, too.
Absolutely! I was married to one of those. He was extremely “generous”. I couldn’t express myself to nobody, not even to my own family. Everybody (including myself!) blamed me for being so ungrateful with such a “nice and generous guy”.
It took me for ever to walk away from that golden trap.
I grew up with one of those, and I have been in relationships with generous narcissists, too, and it makes things more confusing. So,. I have learned that narcissists can be very generous, but it is transactional as a way for them to get supply and validation.
I believe that there is no true value in generosity if the person can't give you what really matters in a relationship. I am so glad you are making this video. It is very validating and helpful. Thank you, Dr. Ramani❤❤❤
Yes, yes! Transactional "generosity" like they can buy a human punching bag...sometimes they do, but sometimes we tire out and no money can rebuild our minds.
Exactly you can't trade shallow gifts for deep respect (of boundaries and personal values)
You gotta learn how to fuck with them and get them back.
This describes my father! He was absolutely like this. He'd shower you with gifts and then the second you tried to push back or set a boundary, he would hold it over your head as emotional blackmail.
This describes my ex perfectly , he donates to charity, , buys generous gifts , is charm personified, all this in service to hiding his very dark secret life.
Been there! He supported my little daughter and me, including often covering our medical bills and sending us on wonderful trips while, all along, he was lying to me and cheating on me and bursting into rages at me for no apparent reason. Over time, that relationship made me physically ill.
That "don't bite the hand that feeds you" and "don't look a gift horse in the mouth " is so hurtful and keeps folks from speaking up at all in highly abusive situations. The predatory boss, or physically abusive spouse who happens to be the bread winner, etc etc. But heaven forbid you ask to be treated with decency and dignity or just not be sexually abused or harmed.
Thank you for all your work on this, Dr Ramani!
I just ended a 15-year-old friendship with a narcissist thanks to the insights on this channel. I was always impressed with his financial generosity, so this video helped too. Thanks for the upload!
I can relate to your comment. It happened to me, it took me 20 years to understand a friendship I had with this person, she was very controlling , manipulative, as doc Ramani describes here this friend was very generous and at the same time she was this controlling, gamer , gaslighting person.
Hi I too ended my friendship of childhood. How are you dealing? Does it get any better, I feel so lonely at times@@aldenisouza2015
My ex of 30 years uses money to manipulate and to appear important through wealth. However, he would throw it in your face immediately if you don't do what they want you to do. He loved picking up the dinner check and looking like a big shot. However, you had to sit through his ranting anger or his constant bragging on himself and his accomplishments. Even as his wife and mother of his kids he always said "my money." Then when someone didn't "respect" him properly or obey him he would play the martyr with "all I do is work my a-- off for you. All I am is the cash cow" attempting to guilt and manipulate further. It's not worth it. These are broken and unfixable beings.
@@beesinthegardens Yes! I married him after just 10 months of long distance dating. What a mistake. Almost immediately after we were married the mask came off and I realized I was not married to the man I thought. How I wish I would have known how narcs love bomb you.
My husband talked king rhat also…My Money, my house, my car, my garage, my bed, ….EVERYTHING is considered his! Apparently I have no home. I just live here out of his generosity and good heart.
That was my narcissist ex too. Also he would promise something then take it away at the last minute saying I didn't deserve it.
Money can't buy happiness or health. I escaped after being with him 32 years. There was other abuse too. There is life on the other side.
Yes! So glad you got out too!
I was just having this conversation with a friend. I am currently dealing with a generous narcissistic family member who thinks when she buys you things, that should give her the unlimited access to get whatever she wants from you. I feel like they feel it builds their "good will" with you so that it guilts you into doing whatever for them. The old "I did this for you so why can't you do this for me" way of thinking.
My narcissist was very generous when it came to certain things but I think most of it was for praise from others. She would volunteer for school functions and social affairs. But when behind closed doors she was totally different. She was a manipulator, always trying to impress people she didn't know. You know as has to be the center of attention.
Boy I was blind but now I see!
This was my ex narc wife she volunteered at the kids school two days a week .We were nearly broke ,she put on expensive dinners totally over the top for guest she gave away half my clothes to friends ,she said I didnt need them .She really tried to impress total strangers it took me years to figure out her bizarre behaviour I still dont understand it.
Mine was the same. Did things like calling ahead to pay for a girls night out with my friends. i felt creeped out that he knew where we went yet slightly
enjoyed the ‘idea’ everyone had that he was So Caring. Not so. Screaming and raging at me like a crazy person in private.
Also family holiday dinners at our house. He would clear dishes, wash pans and load dishwasher making a big production like he knew his way around the kitchen and everyone would get the false idea that he was ‘so helpful’ around the house. I was in such denial about it all. Now i see through it all and work towards ‘coparenting’ with minimal contact. Life lessons I am still learning and healing.
Living in a golden cage still makes you captive...and keep you from spreading any wing.
They think they can buy anything, are entitled to what they want and can really guilt trip people in a such refined way, that its hard to recognise in a timely manner....For outsiders hardly to understand or to believe.
Thank you again dr. Ramani. Your posts keep on bringing heartwarming support and insights. Bless you❣
💫🕊🐛💝🙏🏼💝🦋🕊💫
Correct. And many women are stuck in this as marriage.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot the past few days. My narcissistic ex-gf was generous. She then threw it all back in my face before she cheated on me (‘I did x for you’ etc) & monkey branched to the next unwitting source of supply.
It was all part of her outward facade to project herself to the world as a wonderful, caring person because inside & behind closed doors, she was anything but. Thank you for covering this. I have clarity now.
Sounds like my ex wife.
5 years on she keeps coming up with new lies to make her sound like the victim.
@@Calvansbagoftricks no walk in the park is it? it’s been five years for me too. Yes, they’re ALWAYS the victim. Only just breaking the trauma bond. Being with her was the most emotionally exhausting two years of my life.
Trying to worm her way back in again. A few months after she left me she started stalking me in person. I went to the Police cos it got so bad but they didn’t take it seriously.
this was my best friend in college, she still tries to reconnect with me and offers to fly across the country "just to meet me" ...she did that once while we were in college and till date throws it on my face that she came to meet me while on her period, when she was the one to express the intent to visit me in the first place.
Is this an incel meeting?
Sounds spot on! I am so sorry you suffered this. I hope you're better informed to protect yourself from going there again.
This is so true and exactly what it is like. Other people only see the generosity and not the hidden abuse behind it. Hoovering with gifts and then the cycle starts to repeat itself. Great video-please keep them coming.
Oh!!! This resonates so much! The narcissistic ex hooked me with these grandiose gestures!!!!! He showered me gifts, money and all! Now that it's been 2 years that we've broken up, he still messages me as if nothing tragic happened between us!!! Oh, the nerve of this person. I'm just happy not to be talking to him anymore.
No Contact is the only true way to heal completely.💯🙏❤️
I experienced the same with my abusive narc ex. It's been 5 years that I escaped and he also still sends me messages acting like nothing happened, and like we're old buddies, even though I've not responded or been in contact with him for over 5 years! Crazy!
@@AnnAndNala it is so weird, right? How come they still could message like nothing happened? Mind you, he entertained so many women and hated me, but he is now the one who keeps messaging. It is super effin weird! They clearly can't move on!
My mother is a generous narcissist and so was a guy i was recently dating. They are both extremely generous and to outside people they would appear the kindest people. But only i know that this always comes with a price of being their personal psychologist and listening to their problems 24/7-they are apparently never happy and i am always doing something wrong. The problem is my main love language is gifts so i can easily fall into the trap of a generous narcissist. I pray to God i would meet a man who will give me all of that without being a narcissist.
Omg...this fits my mother so much. This is why it was so hard for me to see her as a narcissist most of my life. I was just telling a new friend how my mother's help comes with so many strings and manipulation.
Same. Same. Same.
Oh yeah...same story over here.
This was my proof my dad loves me. "He gives me gifts". It's fake love.
I feel this. I still feel bad labeling my dad as a narcissist but this is him to a tee. The most charitable nice guy in public when people are watching, but behind closed doors he’ll constantly remind you of the endless ways you’ve let him down. He’ll say things like, he wishes just one time he could get what he gives in life. When I’ve watched my whole family run themselves into the ground trying to make him happy. He’ll constantly remind you of everything he’s given, and if you dare say you didn’t ask for it, he’ll say well you took it you hypocrite.
This is so true! If you say anything against them when they are "helping", everyone else will say "you're so ungrateful!" So then you feel shame.
The narcissist that hurt me the most was someone who drove across the country for me... Drove 12 hours to pick me up and 12 hours back to get me to where I needed to go. I paid the gas because I needed to be there for work, but my point is that it isn't just money... it was love bombing. Huge gestures throw you off the scent 💯
My first husband was a somewhat covert malignant narcissist, and now is a glaring victim narcissist, bullying everyone around him with how they owe him, now including our children. He was occasionally very generous; maybe it was love-bombing. I sense now it all had a price tag on it: as he saw and sees things, he was putting us all in his debt. This included enduring his chronic irritability, anger, blaming, criticism, impulsivity and regularly-generated chaos. Now my younger son is enduring his regular company. I can't tell him to get his dad the hell out of his life; he has to arrive at that conclusion himself. I ache for him, and just tell him I'm here for him. He knows I won't do one more thing for his father; every gesture with him comes with a lit fuse. Ever since I left him, I live somewhat more modestly, but a LOT more stably, which slowly allows me to live better than I ever did with him.
Their gifts aren't "gifts" they are just another item to add to the list they keep to hold over your head! Golden handcuff 💯
When a narcissist is generous and gives gifts, they are planning a sort of commerce transactional plan with you. They pay forward so to make you feel obliged so then you pay them back. I have been through this. The “gift” is part of a plan . They would already know what they want from you. They are long term planners.
They want to make you feel guilty, it’s childish
Thanks so much for this video. I worked as a caregiver for 10 years for a narcissistic woman who inherited money from her parents. Early on she offered help when we were struggling financially and I thought she was the greatest thing. Then the true colors started showing. By the time I finally walked away I felt like I was going to drop dead of a heart attack. I couldn’t even believe how high my blood pressure was. She was an absolute monster. I always wondered why she never married or had children. Thank the good Lord because those would have been some seriously messed up children! Thanks for finally helping me see the light! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm so sorry Dee Dee ❤
Many of us were 'her child". If you get the meaning... & barely made it out alive. thx for sharing. and its ALL TRUE
@@kggr8458 I was thinking the same thing. you said it best.
I DID have a heart attack and when I told my narc mother that I would be taking care of my own health now after she told me that she was going to give me 6 full weeks to recover from the heart attack and not have me do anything for her, that she would have to find another caretaker.uber/grocery shopper, etc. Her esponse was to "have a nice life".I responded, ":Thank you,I will". I haven't spoken to her in weeks and it has been so peaceful.I miss who I wish she was-not who she really was.
I see you've met my birth-giver... 😔 All jokes aside, people like this are literal poison to their families!
Father had a pacemaker put in at 53, and I was diagnosed with high bp at 30. While I am +3000kms away (and recently no contact), she continues to make my life miserable....
It's only with the help of Dr.Ramani - and stories like these - that I have been better able to understand the mess in my head (and in my heart)...and, that I am sadly not alone in this journey.... 💔
Wishing you all healing and peace!!! ❤❤
I’m so glad I saw this video. I have been thinking a lot lately about my narcissistic ex and how generous he was. I had difficulty reconciling the terrible things they did to me mixed with huge acts of kindness. It made me feel guilt over hating him. I feel validated now.
That's a big part of the reason my situation was minimized by family. My husband had a good job. So, presumably, I had nothing to complain about, and I just wasn't appreciative of his hard work.
That's exactly what happened to me. I wad 19 he was 27. He bought me my first car, put me in my first apartment. All the while cheating ,verbally and emotionally abusing me. I didn't know what happened because I had never heard of narcissist. It was very damaging to me. Years down the line I developed depression and had to get therapy because of the Years of abuse. And yes the money was why I stayed so long until I could not take it anymore.
Omg, I've always wondered about this. My ex, who was diagnosed with NPD, was very generous, as was my narc mother. She was physically and emotionally abusive. I always thought that her gifts were her way of apologizing for her bad behavior. My ex was extremely generous to me, his family, and friends. He even bought me a car after I left him. I wish I knew about NPD 20 yrs ago. The gaslighting, manipulation, and flying monkeys growing up, then being with a narc partner, has been exhausting. Thank you for sharing your expertise, Dr. Ramani, you truly are saving lives.
you knew someone actually diagnosed with NPD?? I thought therapists were often reluctant to identify a Cluster B to their face (due to their tendency toward vengeance, revenge etc) Go figure.
The gifts are a way of atoning for past bad behavior AND excusing future bad behavior.
This was my exact life with my narcissistic ex. It makes it so much harder to walk away. This video hit hard but also made me feel so much better because no one understands this non typical narcissist. Thank you for addressing this.
It took over 10 years to identify a manipulating generous Narc within a social circle.
Gifts were given to everyone regularly. It was like a glad handing politician. With the years, a trauma bonding lasso was tossed over me, with a gift, followed by an occasional put down, then a compliment. Then the belittling increased and the gifts still came. I found this online info, then the game was over. After this education, I left the scene and I never needed to figure out what was this puzzling game?
I concluded: A gift that's worth its weight in diamonds is someone speaking up, standing up for you when you're not there. Demeaning words can insidiously chip away at your self- esteem. Don't tolerate it. Narcs play an eventual self-defeating game. Their energy will be wasted keeping perched on that phony mountain. Now I know why his wife left him- she figured it out a long time ago.
Got suddenly discarded by a generous narcissist after 15 months after he took me on an almost two week luxury trip to Europe that cost about $65k(while lovely he woke me up 4 nights in a row to interrogate me about false accusations and did other similar crazy stuff). I realize I liked nothing about his actual person and really only enjoyed the luxury experiences we had together and the stuff he bought for me… I’ve been devastated but at least I realize he was a toxic man and I will find another man who can offer such stuff without the abuse. Thanks Dr Ramani.
This is why I don’t allow any man to fully provide for me. I stay independent, thank you!
Women do this too.
I’m glad that you are addressing this, Dr. Ramini. I wore golden handcuffs until my mother’s dying day. I’m an only child. Mother was vulnerable/covert narcissist and father was malignant narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. I can certainly relate!
When you're an only, you're trapped because they groom you while bringing you up by gatekeeping against other people who could give you better advice for taking care of yourself. And so you get to adulthood without necessary life skills. I can relate.
Wow. This is the legacy of narcissism I've known in the arc of my life and the generation before me. My grandfather paid for my "charmed" youth and in turn changed the life of mother who came from little means and had nothing on her own to leave and protect us. Very young I saw the writing on the wall ...the vehicle that would strap me in. I refused it and left and lived on very simple means being chided for living on the edge. My brother who agreed to be coddled his entire life is finally seeking a girlfriend at nearly 70 bc they have passed. It was all very sick. But I then had the narcissistic friend who offered me the small house on their property. She had already become argumentative at the drop of a hat. I can't imagine how she would have controlled my life had I agreed. At present I'm contentedly in my camper van seeking a new place to land with a small purse left over from grandpa and retirement and yesterday I walked for hours barefoot in the sand along the ocean taking it all in and getting a free pedicure in the process!
Yep, this is it in a nutshell. I grew up with "generous" narcissists but always knew nothing they "gave" me was without a price -- with payments generally stretching into perpetuity. Thanks Dr. Ramani!
YES. My husband…he does all that. And that is why I cant leave, there is no way I can leave and afford to support myself and definitely not support the lifestyle I’ve been living. I can fully see how toxic he is and it feels awful but I am in no place financially to leave and he damn well knows it.
Been there, done that. My ex found a younger, shinier model and kicked me to the curb after 27 years. (Which ended up being the best thing he ever did for me.) So, I wish you the best and I would secretly be ready (financially and emotionally) for a sudden discard and divorce. I'm sorry you are in this situation and I wish you the absolute best. Know that you are beautiful and valid no matter what he does.
Take half his shit and leave, girl
It s all about control
You can't stay if you really want out. It may be hurtful to hear this but you have to get control of your life and then take the leap. He doesn't have to know you are preparing. But you will look back and have lost 20 years of your own individuality if you don't make a game plan and move forward with it. You will be happy you did it.
@@dinaelmasry5534THIS!!!!
My narcissist ex husband was generous the entire 11 yrs. I was with him. He was generous to,me and he couldn’t say no to a child. He was a genuine person and he loved animals. However, he had the explosive temper that Dr. Ramani talks about. It was scary and dehumanizing.
Same here. I m always scared if he got upset, he would cuss at me all kinds of bad words.
Thank you so much! I had a former BFF narcissist girlfriend like this! I’m female and wasn’t in an intimate relationship with her! Whew! I couldn’t get out fast enough after I figured her out!!
As someone struggling with narcissistic tendencies and poorly learned habits it does make me feel good to pay for someone else, makes me feel like a good person. Been forcing myself to admit I am doing it for myself and it definitely changes how I see myself when I pay for someone else. I am finding a nice solace in the admitting it though, recognizing I am doing it for myself means when someone compliments me I can be honest about it, stating I was doing it to make myself feel good and not doing it for them. It breaks down the barrier that I am generous and rather shows me that my generosity is to make myself feel better about me.
Is it a bad thing? No, the action of giving someone money, covering the bill, its good. The habit of doing it for myself? I feel as long as I realize that is the reason there is no harm. It was when I used to think I WAS a good person because I did it that I was being narcissistic. Now I just do it because I want to feel better that day, or because I want to feel like I am doing a good thing. I am doing it for me and I dont need the praise anymore I was seeking, I can just enjoy it. And now when people pay for me too it does not hurt as much, it does not belittle me anymore, I get to enjoy someone else covering my meal and realize they are doing it for the same reason, to feel good about themselves and be nice.
Thankfully I do not think I have NPD, I would not know how to handle my awareness and not have the ability to change it. To those with NPD I worry for them, and to those who had to handle people with NPD I cannot fathom what you went through. My comment is for those, like myself, who think we have or had NPD and worry we are bad people and that there is no cure and we are the worst, that it is more than likely not the case. These videos used to sting and make me avoidant, now I listen, I recognize the bad habit, and I ask myself why I don't like hearing it.
Keep up the self work to anyone who relates to this comment, and Ramani, I used to think your videos where just pure evil but that was when I had a much more fragile ego. You are just very blunt and honest, the type of person someone with NPD cannot stand. You are just who you need to be to deal with NPD and I respect you for it. Thank you for the videos.
If I may, your description sounds maybe less like narcissism than a boost to the ego? Like, you may be doing it for you, but you aren't expecting to control the other person's actions for the next decade.
@@atanamorell2 I would say yes. Which is still a place to work on cuz I should definitely work to be content without the ego boost. Narcissism is such a slippery slope, I find myself lopping in thoughts that I have it (which goes into other bad thoughts but I would rather not dive into) but in short the fad of it definitely got to someone like me with a weak ego.
But in short yes, I think you are very accurate in your remark. Hopefully I can learn from this
@@GodammitNappa Good luck in your journey! 💕
@@atanamorell2 thank you so much :)
Religious Beliefs is the biggest reason I stayed in my marriage years ago. I was also a stay home mom (The American Tradition) for 10 years out of the only 13 year marriage I had. My ex-spouse would tell me that our money (even when I started work part-time) could not be spent on child care, so my work schedule always had to fit in to not mess up his work or college schedule back then. Our 4 children born in 92,94, 96 and 98 did not see a daycare until May 2003. When a woman has no career like I did...the financial hardship is so rough. No one ever talks about all the work a mother does. A Mom will never have a paystub for proof of all the cleaning of house & yard, laundry, & home made meals she did. My Love had me working so hard only to lose it all in the end.
My story also. I do tell my daughters not to do what I did, hoping at least some good may come out of this situation.
@@Rut-vi7iz I tell my two oldest who do have a relationship with me now, to not let the cycle of abuse repeat. The hardest is my son hating his own dad who raised him. When one of my children told me that my youngest keeps her daughter away from Grandpa (my ex) I tell that child well she learned it from her own dad. The hardest part is for me to stay disciplined (keep my voice silent to say nothing negative about their Dad) and let my children see on their own the actions their dad did for years. I do tell them they have every right to blame me for half...I am responsible halfway...it took both parents to get them here on this earth. My son does not hold back either. At least the two oldest ask for advice or my input every now and then.
@dcruz7123 sounds like you are handling this very well. It is awful, truly awful, trying to co parent with these types of people. In fact it is more like counter-parenting than co parenting. I find myself trying to undo verbal damage a lot, but am realizing I am better off trying to show them how to heal, which they will learn from me, if I can just really get there.
I only had 2 years of co-parenting. We separated in May 2003. I gave in and settled divorce by July 2004. He got custody in Nov 2005 and removed me. It was his way or nothing. My two oldest came back into my life in July 2014. I have struggled deeply, and I am far from perfect (I served 3 years in the Army and I was diagnosed with Major Depression and PTSD from spousal abuse (not combat related) is how the doc reads). I can't change the person I had children with. If I could, I would. I have just managed to survive. My children are adults now and I am truthful to them and I also have to remind them of traits I will not put up with. I finally had the courage to leave in 2003, to show my 3 daughters and son...that I could not tolerate no more and custody was given to the dad. It did not matter in Indiana that I went to a domestic violence shelter on 6 different occasions for a length of time with my children. It did not matter that he was arrested for a DV, he was a soldier and it got wiped off his record. My son saw his Dad choke me, however he was a minor at the time...the courts think one is conditioning their child's mind. I was never deemed an unfit mother...the doc says indigent, and so custody was handed to him and his 4th wife. Another story but I found out I was his 3rd wife after 6 years in our marriage and 3 children later, when he was a missing person for 5 months in 1997. He has been divorced since 2013 from his 5th wife. Anyways because I was a stay home mom with a part time job...and as a teacher's assistant for ESL students as full time job starting in Nov 2003 didn't make enough....he was given custody. I defended my foreign students who were told daily by 6th, 7th, and 8th graders, " to go back to where they came from" and they would tell me that too and I would tell them I am a Californian Native...born in Riverside. My ex I met at Cochise College, he was born in Indiana...the green eyed dirty blonde "Yeti"...that's the loving nickname he got and I still call him that. Anyways I thought I would be protected and Indiana never enforced child support when he had to pay.. however when I had to pay all enforcement was done. I have had a warrant for my arrest. I joined in 2008 at 37 yrs old...and the majority of my pay was deducted for child support and I got about $300. a month to live off of. At least I had a roof over my head in the barracks and served supporting those who were across seas during the Gulf War.
@dcruz7123 I am so sorry this all happened to you. I hope there are brighter days ahead for you. I am grateful for your service also. I cannot image the pain you have been through, but I care. Thank you for relaying your story. I believe when we share, we help hold each other up. Hopefully it also helps some people avoid the hell that narcissistic relationships really are. People just don't get it until they have been in one. Sending you love, peace and hope for continued healing.❤️
Just when I think I'm missing her.... Something happens. I get confused. I come back to your channel... And in reminded that it's easier to feel the longing of missing someone than it would be to welcome them back into my space.
I have been watching your videos for a few months now, and this is what I have been waiting for. I have never heard someone put into words exactly what I have experienced with my parents like this. I can’t say thank you enough. I hope you have a wonderful day. 💜
Same here, thank you doc. I figured it out after seven years with someone by reading the wizard of Oz, and other narcissists recommended to me by my physical therapist, who was very familiar with narcissistic parents. It open my eyes so much and I got out and it was a three year battle to get out, he just wouldn’t give up. He’d come down to visit and wash my car hoping for intimacy that day and he never got it for three years or ever again. Been celibate for 12 years now, done with it all.
100%.....this!!!! I hope every young person sees these videos and knows what to watch for in their lives.
My narcissistic spouse would spend hundreds of dollars paying his and his friends bar tabs on a very regular basis. I was struggling to raise our children, pay the bills, all while working full time and sometimes adding in a second job to make ends meet. When I would talk to him about the money struggles he would tell me he earned his money and could spend it how he wanted. When our children were grown I no longer felt the need to work myself to death to pay for everything. He started complaining about things and it had no impact on me since I was used to going without anyway. Eventually he kicked in and started helping to pay for things because HE didn’t want to go without.
All of this is the reason why I made my own way in life without my family, Money was always a tether for this type of abuse smh, and because I've been independent in this way and speak my mind, Ive become the black sheep, I love it 😂
I admire you. I wish had been so brave. Now in my 40s and breaking free.
OMG!!! and LOLOLO!!! You've got my sister NAILED!!! Not only is she a "benevolent narcissist" but she's a "kind cult leader". Over time, she has ensnared about 30 relatives into her world of give/give/give... "No need to repay!" Gosh, it must be exhausting to have to keep tabs on all these people at once.... Get this... she's Robinhood; she'll set up "go fund" me accounts for all sort of reasons than use that money to provide new houses, trips, weddings, honeymoons and staycations to all those who are orbiting around her. She's even gone so far as to chase after the parents of her nieces husbands. She met them ONCE; before she suddenly told them of a free timeshare she'd scored for them - as a "surprise" (which is really the free indoctrination fee into her cult) . Those people live far away but there isn't a rhyme nor reason for my sisters diabolical flock gatherings.
Honestly, I've always steered clear of her and we haven't spoken in decades. But she's not only a narcissist she's a parental alienation estranger, as well; separating her follows from their suspicious parents who might tell their kids to watch out for her at some point. I can't believe this video; I've watched it twice already. I don't think anyone's ever touched upon the topic of the GENEROUS Narcissist; it's such an oxy-moron title but it does exist. At the core of all cult leaders is such a personality disorder!
Nothing comes without a price . My spouse is constantly doing , giving , buying something for ME . Then listening to him recount how he came up with the idea , found the right thing , the banter with the sales personnel .After the gift giving he would continue to bring it up .I would have to repeat thank you I love it a minimum of three times . I am by no means stingy with my gratitude . He would then want to know what other said about the gift . Did I tell them etc.. He rarely bought me something I didn't love I was always left with very mixed feeling . A conundrum .Until I heard about narcissist two years ago .
Sounds exactly like my husband. He fished for gratitude, then he would ask if I posted my gift to social media….it has happened so much that I stopped posting stuff he buys to social media. All I am doing is advertising to other potential supply what he can provide. So now I get told I do not actually like what he buys because i dont post it or tell anyone. Can’t win. Often times he gets a gift and a month or so later I will say something innocent and his ego is bruised and I endure MONTHS of silence, being ignored, he withdrawals ALL of himself then feels I should apologize for HIS behavior….tries to say communication is a two way street and I should have tried harder to talk to him…..even though when i try he would just walk away or leave the house for hours….its bait and switch. So I completely feel you on this!
@michellesimmons3150 My boyfriend used to complain I never told anyone about all the nice things he did for me and all the places we went because I didn't post it all online... when I pointed out I'd at least told a handful of people in my life about these things he still insisted I only told people about the bad stuff in our relationship. Most recently he threw buying me flowers in my face because "I bought them to make you feel better and you didn't appreciate them enough." (I'd said thank you and how cool they looked at least twice). It's such a weird feeling having someone do nice things for you only to expect you to totally gush about it or be upset you didn't blast about their deeds all over the place. It's made me doubt real generosity....
Thank you for addressing this issue. I can relate so much! They give when they feel you pulling away. Don't fall for it. It's a trap. I left and I love my peace, quiet, and freedom from abuse.
This plus covert passive aggressive led to immense guilt and shame and doubt for ever questioning. It also created complex dependency resulting in being trapped without any ability to create my own resources to become independent. Then there is the whole family dynamic of not being allowed to decline or say No. obligation because otherwise it was ungrateful. Complete mind-F.
OMG I'm so on this boat :(
Sending you some warmth and peace.
This is exactly the kind of narcissist I had in my life. Always buying things for me, always paying for my meals even after we broke up and reconnected after years apart. I even thought he had changed and matured and made him my children’s godfather. He started a 529 plan for their education; he even told me I was one of three people in his will to inherit his $5 million fortune. But you know what? One day I realized that he hadn’t really changed and he was using my children for supply and being just as toxic to them as he had ever been to me, so I cut him off and, boy, was he mad. Thank goodness he lives thousands of miles away. May I never cross paths with him again. $1.7 million is NOT enough to buy the rights to my children’s mental health.
This completely resonates with me. He even tries to tell me my kids him more!
I came to a conclusion a long time ago that financial support is the only support I can get from my narcissistic father. Sometimes it still hurts that he's never been there for me like for real and of course many other things included. I'm emotionally distant from him, try to be civil and grateful to the extent I'm OK with myself.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m in the exact same situation with my father and it sucks so much. My heart still hurts everytime i see my friends who are blessed with sincerely generous dads. I’ve excepted i’ll forever ask myself why can’t i have that and why does everything have to be transactional. Praying for you ❤
@@jiv9860I’m in same situation. My father has called himself “the bank.” I’m no contact with both enabling Narc parents. So much unnecessary jealousy from others who envy the “gifts” when all I wanted was two present parents who could connect and love. Instead they do taught learned helplessness and financial dependency. When your father and mother forsake you then the LORD will take you up. Psalm 27:10
I understand the devastating heartbreak and loss.
Same girl my mom has passed away and I want to have a relationship with my Dad but I don’t know this person and the more I see clearly the more I don’t want anything from him
My narcissistic parents (and later my narcissistic ex) would give gifts on my birthday and christmas, sometimes things that I didn't want (with my ex consistently things he KNEW I didn't want - I had told him I hated figurines and he kept buying them every birthday and christmas for our 3 year relationship "because I couldn't resist, this one was so cute!") then felt obligated to accept but most often not the things I actually really needed or wanted.
Then guilt trip me and weaponize it against me whenever I complained about anything saying I was much luckier than the starving children on the street who had nothing.
To this day I am uncomfortable tell my friends NOT to buy me birthday or christmas presents. I HATE obligatory gift giving where people feel copelled to give and receive gifts and it's later weaponised as "I was such a good friend and did X and they wouldn't even do Y". I hate how insincere it all feels.
I've since realised that a gift is just a gift and giving it is meant to be its own reward. If someone expects reciprocation it wasn't really a gift but a means of controlling someone through obligation, and I think too many people aren't self-aware enough about their motivations for giving.
If you don't want to give a gift, it's ok to learn to be comfortable with just NOT giving, and let the friends who were only there for what you could give them fall by the wayside and filter themselves out.
The "put up and shut up" attitude is one of many ways NA can fly under the radar and get away with their sh*tty behavior
This is EXACTLY what I’m going through right now. The sad part is that I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it, for the reasons you just mentioned in the video. Just got a brand new car from him, paid off, and I still feel like I’m in debt😔. The crazy part is I didn’t ask for it; he volunteered and he ran with it. I feel like I’m in the movie “Get Out.”
OMG And their gifts are supposed to counterbalance what they take from us. Thank you for this!
I have and am currently in this situation…it’s awful feeling so trapped and putting up with the abuse. Working towards getting out of it. 😞
Same 😢 I hope you manage to. It's so hard.
@@mini_egg1234 I’m sorry you’re in an awful situation too. 😞
Sending Strength of Love 💗
Focus on yourSelf... Be Kind to yourSelf... wishing you a healthful detachment...
Co-dependence is the greatest addiction of all ... Focus on yourSelf & be your Healing Journey🙏
This video reminds me, there's always the person who tries to hang out with the "lonely rich kid of the narcissistic parents" and they are very conniving with guilt tripping like this video described. they will guilt trip that lonely rich kid of the npd parents into sharing their money...They will even accuse you of making a huge deal out of nothing and constantly have you wonder if you are spoiled and blame yourself, it's like they are trying to make you so busy with blaming yourself that you don't notice their leeching...
I can't get away from my mom's toxicity. I told her recently not to give my kids gifts anymore because I'm tired of her abuse towards me and conditional love... She said I'm cruel to my kids and asked me not to use them as tools... So I gave in thinking I need to prove that I am, and always have been the complete opposite of all the mean things she has called me. And so, the toxic narcissistic relationship between my mom and I will forever continue even after I told her I don't want to speak with her anymore so we can both have peace... She unexpectedly drove 9 hours and showed up at my house on my daughter's birthday. Idk what the 🤬 to do anymore. I'm almost 40 and so broken because of this woman who supposedly "loves" me... But oh, I guess I need to give in and excuse her behavior since she has been through her own trauma... I'm so glad I found Dr. Ramani❤️. I have learned so much, and my feelings are validated.
please know I excused the behavior my whole life as it was our normal. at 60 I finally had enough at the last harsh and cruel gaslighting attack. On of the last things I said to him (as he started attacking and manipulating my adult children with his money behind my back) was YOU WILL NOT DESTROY MY FAMILY LIKE YOU DESTROYED YOUR FAMILY. I walked out. 18 months ago no contact. One of my deepest regrets was not walking away sooner as the evil attacks on his grandchildren are sick. I could take it the last decade as I stopped actually caring what they thought but still felt it was my responsibly for their health and happiness in their ole age. Boy was I wrong.
my mom is the generous narcissist…. hooked me so many times but i’m becoming freer and freer as the days go by. last step is moving out. i’ve put up every healthy boundary i am capable of and have become aware of everything she used to pull on me to manipulate me. cant wait to move out and cut her out of my life. no contact will be my method.
my mom still holds a cruise that my family went on when i was 12 over my head. especially when she has an audience that will still pat her on the back for it. i’m now pushing 40.
Ouch. This one hurt. But! I’m forever grateful for videos like this that remind me of how I was raised and why my “issues” persist to this day, despite having gotten therapy and having learned about my past and becoming aware. My dad verbally told me that he would sell me his inherited cabin three separate times, my husband is my “witness” but none of my siblings believe me/us. Five years passed and the day came when we finally said, “we’ll give you an interest deposit” and he replied, “naw that’s not necessary.” A week later I found out he sold the cabin to my sister. Obviously there’s more to the story. But what a fabulous memory to be reminded of as I start to feel guilty about his dying earlier this year and how I wished things had been different. Things definitely could’ve been different - had *HE* wanted them to. ❤
I cannot begin to tell you how much your Podcasts, videos, and more have helped me in the last 2 years to educate myself on what I have been dealing with. I would have never had a way to verbally explain myself to anyone around me what had happened. Phycological abuse is very difficult to explain. Thank you, Dr R you have saved the rest of my life! Much love sent. I have so many stories to tell still pent up inside , and I will never be the same person I was before meeting him ...However I AM forging ahead
This video is everything!!! My "mom" does this and it resulted in losing my older brother to suicide this year because he couldn't break free of ending up needing financial dependence on her because of all the abuse. He did soooo much for her and he was finally breaking free and she got him kicked out of his own place where he was living because of harassing the office. I've suffered my entire adult life before ever asking her for help. This summer I ended up in a situation basically homeless because I have dogs and she's tried to replace my older brother with me trying to get me to live with her. Instead I've been staying in my narcissistic ex's basement that I had worked so hard to get away from.... Not to mention after I finally got away from him in January 2021, he invited my brother here to get away from our mom 😅.... He even had my brother pitted against me at one point. My brother was my best friend. So yeah I definitely needed this video... If I didn't have my dogs, I would have other options to go and get on my own two feet, but this summer has been so traumatic having my ex and mother try to "help" me so they can have a puppet and look good to everyone else. I don't even have my brother to talk to anymore who saw through them (even if the opportunity of renting from my ex had blinded him for a little bit). Side note.... I ended up consoling both of these people who fwlt tremendous guilt for what happened with my brother. They were both complicit to his circumstances resulting in his death, but def more so my "mother".
This is my dad. 100%. He's formed so many shallow relationships because he was "generous" then the moment they don't appear as grateful to him as he thinks they should be is the moment he blows up their relationship. If they challenge him AT ALL he blows it up. He was willing to pay my college tuition IF i lived with him in his house and obeyed and was overly grateful. I'm a truth seer who can't be overly dishonest so that was impossible. It's always the people who barely know him who love him the most.
I experienced this years ago. Didn’t know about narcissists. I just knew/felt it in my bones, that all these gifts and favors my new friend was handing me would leave me owing her big time. I tried to slow down the friendship, then had to break it off entirely after she started gaslighting and trying to humiliate me. It took months to get rid of her… blocking calls, blocking emails, blocking flying monkeys, etc, etc.
I dodged that bullet!
It’s taken over 15 years, but her toxic behavior has finally got her in trouble.
You were speaking to me this morning! I have a “Generous Narcissist” ex-husband to whom I share children with and married a high-functioning closet alcoholic (I did not know this when we were dating). Both gaslight me and try to make me feel bad about myself non-stop. I am working hard on a plan to get out, but sometimes you get sucked in the psychological warfare. Your message gave me strength today and reminded me I am not a punching bag! ❤❤❤