You should just put up with it because this is who they are. This is how they are and it’s your problem. If you can’t handle it I got told I’ll do whatever the fuck I want repeatedly. This is after three years of marriage. I didn’t know what was going on why this person was treating me like this 31 years later I find out what’s wrong with him
Nope. And they justify the behavior by telling you that the behavior happened because they aren't getting their needs met. Essentially, gaslighting you into believe you caused this. Then you work double time to try and meet these everchanging needs, that are doused in wordsalad verbiage that it makes no sense, and you end up questioning your own reality, instead of realizing that they are causing all of this. But nope, they will blame you. I was in a complete mindfuck for months. The stress and anxiety caused me to lose 40 pounds in 4-5 months. I went into therapy after he told me that I needed to get therapy to figure myself out. (Even as I write it out, I can't believe this happened to me. Because I am so perceptive. I can't believe I chose to ignore my own intuition and trust him). I began to explain what I was feeling to my first therapist, who pretty much told me this person is a 'cocktease'. I left that therapist and got a different one. While they didn't say the same thing, my new and current therapist completely and utterly validated everything I was experienced and confirmed that what I was experiencing WAS in fact crazy making. I began doing research online and I came across Dr. Ramani. And I listened to her videos. And I was in complete disbelief. TRULY. Dr. Ramani used the SAME words I had been using to describe what I was feeling. And then, I scroll down and have my experience validated over and over and over and over again in the comments. And then slowly, painfully slowly, I was able to understand that... It's not me! IT'S NOT ME! For months, I couldn't understand how I could try so hard to meet this mans needs and never be able to... Or when I do what I'm asked, it never seems to please him. It never seems to make him see me trying. I'm only a week out from having left that situation, but there is ABSOLUTELY NO GOING BACK EVER! I need to heal from all the damage I endured in that relationship. He blamed me all the way to the end. And used that to justify his horrible treatment towards me. How can I ever trust another human being again? Sometimes I feel like I don't want to ever date again. I don't want to EVER be vulnerable the way I was in this relationship. I had NEVER been so vulnerable and to have those things I shared during moments of vulnerability weaponized against me... These wounds run so deep. Like a poison that I'm trying to rid of my body. I want to forget the last two years of my life... (I guess this is the healing part that is so hard and I need to endure in order to rebuild and repair and to NEVER allow something like this to happen to me again.
narcissists aren't just communication clowns, they're the entire circus. their gaslighting, stonewalling and silent treatments when asked questions they don't like, exposes their immaturity. that’s why narcissists never grow - instead they rot from the inside. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
I don't know why my TH-cam is now in French. Reminds me to sharpen my language skills. 😂 Anyway, I had to pause just to comment on one of the first points: I was told I was falsely accusing someone of calling me a certain name I found hurtful (and other names too). I have proof of it in a text message. I know according to scripture love makes no record of wrongs. I guess that means there is no love between us. I don't want to hold a grudge though. I know that is bad for my health if I do.
When narcissists constantly lie it keeps us in a state of vigilance questioning everything they do and is not good for our mental and emotional health too. The constant state of doubt is emotionally exhausting.
I was in a constant state of doubt, anxiety, and sadly, fear... and I lost 40 pounds in a matter of months. I lost all appetite. But not just for food, but for life itself. All I wanted to do was make sense of what I was dealing with so I can meet the needs he blamed me for not meeting... Its a mindfuck like no other. I lost all control of my own perception and intuition. I couldn't rely on myself to understand what was reality or not. Everything I thought I knew was pulled out from under me, like a rug, and I was free-falling, trying to grip onto any shred of what I thought was true about myself... all the while, this vermin is poisoning me with his toxic rot, telling me, I'm not a happy person. I was not a happy person when he met me. I am my mother's child. I need to be more confident, despite the fact that, I discovered he was engaging with other men on social media apps and planning to meet up with them to have sex. And still, I stayed and tried to make it work. Tried to appease him. Nothing worked. I would ask myself... If I'm such a terrible person, why are you with me? Why haven't you left me, especially when I tried to break things off TWICE, in the relationship. It took a LONG while, but I know the answer now... It's because, IT'S NOT ME! I'm not the root cause of the emptiness, the loneliness, the insecurity that he feels inside. I'm just the punching bag because I am all the things he is not. I could feel the disdain toward me. The contempt, when his own family members seemed to gravitate to me for contact and communication and not him. He barely had any friends to begin with. Barely had a meaningful relationship with his parents and would treat them terribly, but would go to them when he wanted their financial support. The way he would constantly say 'the dog loves you more than he loves me'. A dog that he got behind my back, and would try to make my jealous by being overly affectionate towards the dog. But it was so ingenuine and it's almost like the dog knew. I really believed that he was not nice to the dog when I wasn't around... (I think I really need to start journaling.)
@@goldcoyns this is why narcissists choose intelligent people- to use their intelligence against them because intelligent people learn their lessons fast and well. The phrase itself “its not you” nails the truth even more it is not us.
@@ultraviolet3905 Exactly they need you to feel bad in order to feel good with themselves, my narc mother iis pure evil and is using my money problems to torture me😭
I wanted her to feel bad about cheating and its still sinking in that she will never feel bad about literally anything she does and I will not ever be considered.
@@wrennspencer6070 also,,,,,, pray to God for divine intervention... unrightousness can never win. If you stay bold and in control enough you can make them think they have their own domain, when in reality, theyre exposing themselves openly and losing fragments of their inner core each and everyday=D
Whats more important to them imo is the narratives they set and expect others to follow. Its their world and fantasy while to many others its a twisted, whirlwind nightmare.
I no longer bother. I'm healing myself, I know who they are now and I just don't care. I see nothing in their eyes. They need my love and hate. They need me to BE them. I give nothing
It is amazing how quickly they can respond to accusation with lies, deflection, and gaslights. I dont even understand how you can come up with a false story so quickly.
Brilliant. I remember that obsession with wanting them to cop to the truth. It kept me stuck for years and my family thought I was nuts. Any attempt to get the truth was always met with denial, gaslighting, stonewalling, or deflecting. We have to get OK with the fact that most of the time we will never know the exact truth or get a confession. What matters is getting to a SAFE place with our sanity intact.
What’s even worse than the betrayal is that they proclaim to be the most honest/truthful person anyone will ever encounter, and infer that you are the liar when they gaslight you. I absolutely felt like a detective in my own home daily. Not only did I not feel safe, he proclaimed his only intention “ever” was to make me feel safe, and that he did a great job of accomplishing just that! Oh, and I was just ungrateful for all he did. 🤦♀️
They are nothing of the sort. They deceive. They hide their sinister sooooo good. But it always comes to light. And when you unmask them, they turn it on you and gaslight you into believe that it is your fault because you haven't met their 'needs'. My ex told me that he did EVERYTHING to make me feel safe when I told him I did not feel safe in the relationship. But how could he had made me feel safe when he NEVER EARNED the trust he broke when he cheated on my the first time. (And although he always denied cheating, I know he did. There is no way he did not...)
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
I just found out my ex spent about 10x what I expected would be the cost of an improvement to a jointly owned property. The improvement was not necessary and I did not want it. He told me in front of a large number of people about the cost. I was expected to understand that it wasn’t his fault, the contractor kept raising the price. I was later shamed by one of his siblings for not understanding that this “wasn’t his fault”. I am not allowed to be shocked when I was betrayed by my money being spent behind my back.
I dont remember my dad raging at me, but he would belittle, ignore, and make fun of any disagreements or challenges or requests of him or any expressions of emotion and hurt from his behavior. He didn’t need to rage at me, I remember being so scared of him, and I was considered the “good child”. His manipulations were enough to emotionally pummel the ability to speak up for myself. This video has been so helpful because I still -even after being no contact for 10 years - am STILL finding myself trying to figure out “how to explain why I’m no contact” with him. He wrote me a letter a couple of years ago asking, and it continues to be so tempting to get sucked back in and respond! And it’s exactly this, I have to keep reminding myself that the truth is not going to change anything with him. It never did in the past. I think I’ll be coming back to this video often.
that's exactly what happened to my "friends", they lied to me, took advantage of me, humiliated me. Discovering narcissism allowed me to cut them out of my life once and for all.
Thank you Dr Ramani it is about recognising their appalling treatment of us and they never accept any accountability because this would challenge that false mask that they believe in about themselves. Thank you , you are so precious and you save lives.
My story Dr Ramani. True detective in search of truth. Thank you for pointing out that it's not about demonstrating the lies but about the cruelty of the behavior.
Cruelty to animals is a crime. Cruelty to humans is not necessarily a crime. And in cases where it should be, you need lots of money, an army of investigators and a team of lawyers to back it up. Even then the victims rarely see justice, only half-assed, insincere apologies.
Omg, YES! Detective in my own crime thriller!! I recall constantly trying to gather information. And I would get it. But, I always needed o e more thing to convince myself. And I couldn't understand why...why I needed one more thing. I was so off balance from the constant crazy-making abuse.
Its been two months since i cut out the narcissist in my life. She pulled a DARVO on me the day confronted her. Denied absolutely everything and said i was attacking her character. Brought up things that were irrelevant. Saddest part is that we married brothers. My husband is the oldest and her husband is the second son and it's caused a riff in their relationship. It's sad because her husband doesnt know the things she says and does behind his back. She always waits for him to leave the room to start slandering people's name. Also, she's got all our friends to turn their backs on me. Everyone loves her because shes so generous with her time and money on them but she talks smack about everyone, thats how i knew she was talking behind my back. Im done with that high school stuff. Im at peace now that i dont have to deal with her. Sad that ive lost friends of many years, but i dont need that in my life.
It's interesting how just this morning I randomly remembered a series of events that happened early in my marriage (during my pregnancy) which all pointed to my then-spouse being unfaithful. I was going to ask him about this, but then I thought... Nah! What's the point? He won't tell me the truth and will confuse me more. I tried to be content with not knowing. It doesn't make a real difference considering we're separated and I'll never go back to him. The bottom line is that he has betrayed me in so many ways and I know I can never trust him. No matter what he says I'll always have a margin for doubt. So, what's the point of asking? I'm just glad I'm not with him so although it wasn't fair and it makes me angry I'm just counting my blessings for being out of that toxic relationship. Thank you... your post was a special godsend today. 🙏
Exactly, The evidence of lack of trust is all that's really needed to know the relationship won't work out and you don't have to entertain their worldview anymore.
I caught him in a lie about hiding assets during the divorce. His reply, “I wasn’t trying to hide assets.” What a great answer! Only a narcissist could say of that.
HOW WE ARE TREATED! I've been struggling with this for the last few weeks in an incident with my friends. I saw some terrible behaviors come out of my friends that crossed so many of my boundaries and shot up so many red flags. I know the truth of the situation, but it was their behavior as I was trying to talk about the truth and THEIR ACTIONS that hurt me. The way they treated me is intolerable. Their selfishness was intolerable. That hurt me. I brought it up that they hurt me, and they didn't even care. They mumbled "sorry" a few times, but they weren't sorry. What they did was deliberate, and it hurt me. I am allowed to be hurt by people's careless, selfish actions. It's so hard for me to remember that I am allowed to be hurt after a lifetime of being scapegoated and dumped on. I played the last minute of the video a few times to help it sink in. This is not a safe relationship, and these are not safe people. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I really needed this message today.
Double punch 👊 one, two! So true When I became a private investigator, and showed the proof. It was, "no I didn't do that! You're crazy, you need help, get the f away from me, something is wrong with you, you You YOU"...projectile puke salad 🥗 Not love. I am grateful I made it out alive 🙏 🙌
You look beautiful Dr. Ramani. Love your dress too. I have progressed very far over several years, but I still need refreshers!! Yes "how they talk to you." Never reaches a mature level or a true honest one. Always a game. God Bless You.
This was very encouraging to me! It will help me not ruminate over the truth but instead the real culprit is their behavior and their decision to be this way which I don’t have to put up with by internalizing.
The thing with my narcissistic marriage is the betrayal was more him pretending to love me. He pretended to be somebody he wasn’t and abused me, and that was the whole point of the whole relationship was to have somebody to drop his crap on to use to be made his secretary, his cook, his servant, basically his slave and used for sex that’s what it was. I was his slave and I was also somebody to dump that shit on then he couldn’t handle so I had my own stress and then he would dump stuff on me too that was the betrayal to me destroyed me to find out he never loved me. This is after 31 years of marriage. Finding out this person, just wanted to destroy me They wanted to destroy you as a person destroy your life and this is why they married you find this out that you’ve been putting up with this person and they’re just straight out abusing you. They don’t care about you at all. They don’t care if they’re making you sick they don’t care . I was never aloud to have anything not even an opinion you’re not even allowed to have emotions you’re not allowed to have an opinion you’re not allowed to buy anything you’re not allowed any attention on your birthday or any other time you’re totally devoid of any humanity your dehumanized so they can abuse you and they get everybody else to abuse too you’re like a doll in the closet, they drag out to to verbally abused because they had a bad day or they’re f ing bored !!!!
The truth in me is what counts. Use to worry if I might have not/ heard seen or got it right. Well, I know I got it right and just settle that right off the bat. Working on my self and getting out is what I'm working on. But, for awhile, I didn't really accept that yes you are seeing the truth and quit denying it to myself.
When they get old and forgetful, this gets even worse! They now forget everything they already told me and tell a different lie! Yet just like in the past they remember everything I did they perceive as against them. Still zero accountability, just more contempt, more selfishness, more lies. Nothing I say is remembered but every slight they perceive is stored forever!
"A detective" Exactly! Recording conversations, gathering evidence, saving screenshots of text conversations. The only thing all these are good for is for you to keep your feet on the ground and know that your truth is the reality... Also when you have to save your reputation from someone the narcissist got a hold on and triangulated with. This person could be your child or someone you care about. So, yeah...
Basically we want them to own that they are only interested in hurting us. To confirm that, lets us grant ourselves our walking papers to leave them. Proof is closure.
You dissected n summed it up so correctly that such relationships are never safe given there is no accountability, even after every shred of evidence n proof indicates who is the culprit n at fault yet the audacity in which they proceed to harass n malign their victim is beyond comprehension,
The ex narc's group of friends is a circle of narcissists. The group influenced the ex so much, their narrative became his... The group chronically insulted women (me included) and he never defended me...always took their side. These are grown, adult men, in their mid 50s to mid 70s- Single, never married...it's no wonder. Sadly the men keep him at arms length, so while he thinks they are friends, nope! They exclude him, from playing "reindeer" games. When i noticed that he and a "good" friend had a damaged, abusive relationship with each other. I knew that my husband doesnt care who he hurts, with words and actions.
Narcissists will never apologize. They always make you at fault. Its always the other person's fault and make them feel bad. They also verbally abuse you to the core.
You can find the truth. It’s written in their actions, not their words. After having thought I could derive meaning from their words, I’ve learned the hard lesson that they don’t mean much. The future faking is an example. Or they’ll apologize for hurtful actions as though they mean it. So you go on as though things might actually change and then they don’t. It’s an even bigger letdown after having false hope. No “meaningful” conversation has ever led to lasting or meaningful change. Oftentimes, they set you up to let you down. It’s a power play. Or they get you to talk by saying things to make you believe they think/feel a certain way. In the quick and fleeting moment, you might feel comfortable enough to share your own thoughts and feelings. Then they weaponize them for use against you. If it involves sharing something about another, they go to them, omit any or all of what they shared and tell the person it was you who said it. Sometimes it’s that they might actually think/feel those things and just want to see how the other person responds to it. Or they have the chance to tell the person what they think by telling them what you said. The reaction of the other person leads them to their next move. We’re pawns. Life is a game. They don’t revere the truth or respect your thoughts/feelings. They literally weaponize them and play life like a game. I don’t understand how such a lack of morality can exist or fail to exist within a human being. .
@@BeachPeach2010 They are like the police. Except they read you your rights by their own behavior in response to your actions or words. “Everything you say can and will be used against you.” Even a sincere compliment can go very, very wrong.
Thank you for this. It is a brilliant and honest insight to a very common problem with narcissists. It defines the total lack of consideration they bestow upon others.
Mine would lie with a chuckle and a snarky look on his face when I confronted him with the truth in the final reverse discard (6 months ago) like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
I highly recommend the Truman show to anyone who doesn't understand what it's like being gaslighted. I just watched a review about it and found it very relatable, like when I did before learning about narcissists and the abuse
I watched "The Truman Show" with my narcissist. At the end of the movie he told me that I didn't want to know the truth. he said If he were a character in the movie he said he wanted to continue living in that simulation and not know the truth. He lives in a dream world in his own life.
I know how important we are to you. I understand what you are getting at in this video. Below is from my personal experience with one of these conscienceless people and for me the truth is vital for key reasons. Will I ever learn the whole truth, nope. But the critical parts I do know. Not safe. Exactly. That is why the Truth is so very vital. You have to know the level of real danger you are in. Only the truth will expose their true level of willingness to harm and how far they may go. As for the “cheating “. I am so frustrated with it being lumped with lying. It is a physical danger that kills some of us with disease. Not knowing the the physical risks means not getting treatment timely and whatever results from the years of delays. As for needing them to admit After you have proof as some sort of closure. That’s just something to come to terms with that is its own level of painful processing.
Oh and don't forget once they finally cop to the truth because they're caught red-handed and it's undeniable they will then say you're a control freak and you drove them to it. Even when you have no controlling bone in your body
I had to become a detective to end the idea I was tripping. And you are right it's not about the truth, it's about the fact they could betray you and see nothing wrong with their behavior!
Funny enough, I divorced from a 23-year mariage in 2013. I am coming out right now from a 6-m relationship (platonic, distance, but deeply intimate/emotional) with a long-terme female friend, who opened my eyes on the profile of a covert narc (she turned out to be). And I realise my mariage was with exactly the same profile. The funny thing is my ex was obsessed into being trained, and working as a detective ; she did a bit of that work, and enjoyed most on enquiring about cheating couples... : a fascinating hobby or job, isn't it ?
100% description of my last relationship and my striving to get the "truth" from him! Thanks again dear Doc for the validating details about becoming a "detective" what in end effect was useless because he switched every story to make me feel crazy or raged at ME although he had been the unfaithful one that I caught lying so many times 😢
Thank you Dr Ramani... my takeaway from unwanted interactions with family members who display NPD traits it comes down to the lack of emotional regulation. Run!!!
Such a great point! I’m someone who gets caught up in that quest, but have learned to get past it and to the point…sometimes slowly, sometimes with grace & sometimes not. But I get there 😂
Dating him was like playing "Where's Waldo" (all over the map). Never consistency in his actions or behaviors. When I confronted him about his betrayal, he went off on me "YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES" Hmm, wonder why? Heard it more than once.
Thank you Dr Ramani 💛 I 'woke up' to my family of origin 4 years ago. One of your videos was the first I ever watched on the subject of narcissistic abuse. It's quite the journey. Thank you for everything that you do ❤️❤️❤️🙏
You look great today! There is lots of reasons we are distressed by their behavior. Thankfully that ain't our whole story, there are things in life that we miss because we care about some idiot!
First- you look amazing Dr. Ramani! I have two narc sisters, my father was a narcisist, my ex was a vulnerable narc and I work with a crazy narcisist. Thanx to you I understand whats going on, everything is spot on- always!!! I first found your videos when I googled the characteristics of the man I was in love with. It was a very tough breakup after 3 years, but I learned so much from you and you have saved my life!❤he did tell me I was crazy when I caught him lying (he lied about everything all the time😮), he shamed me for my age (50), he had an excuse and an explanation for everything! Even when I caught him having a tinder account (where he also lied about his age…) he blamed me for that account😂😂he got in a rage and asked me if I really wanted him or not… so sick. I just wish I had kicked him out of my life a lot sooner!! I am slowly healing and getting my powers back but I dont think I can trust any guy again🤷🏼♀️
Yes you ate so damn right Doc. And this BEHAVIOUR management is what I focused on this time when I was shouted out for a trivial reason. I firmly shot back " DONT SCREAM", when earlier I wld get embroiled in the fight after being gas-lit.
@DoctorRamani The "truth quest" has me trapped. Can you please do an in-depth video on how to let that go? ... how to stop ruminating on ways to ... 'open their eyes'. In my mind, I have conversations with them that will never happen and it causes anxiety and stress issues. I was recently diagnosed with Angina and a medical procedure was the result. I have to get this under control. I know you can help. I'll be watching.
I just got to the point where I accept that I will be betrayed and they will lie about it. It’s not enough radical acceptance, imo. I still say, whenever I ask about something or ask them to do something, that my expectation is that they will not do it and will lie or criticize me about it. At least I can do that calmly and feel calm. Some day I may get to where I don’t even have to let them know that I know. Probably not while I’m living with them, and that’s going to be tough to change. In the meantime, I will enjoy the calm.
I am so glad I watched this video prior to family dinner last night. It was only a matter of time before she blew up gaslighting…I said nothing allowed her to be exposed to her fiancé… amazing
In 2022, about 6 months before my divorce, my ex showed up at my office with her upper chest and neck all flushed red from having sex with someone else. When I called her on it she went so ballistic with rage at me that I ended up apologizing to her for even saying anything.(. I didn't yet know what the time she was a narcissist). And she ended up telling three different lies between her best friend and I about how she got all read- hot car, cold freezer at work, and gym equipment- yeah right.
The truth really matters to me. Truth is cloaked in darkness for narcissists and do you know how impossible it is to not want to try to uncover why? For me? I’m a work in progress but my aim is true. I’m listening and I’m guided by voices that are lifting me away out of this mess!
Dr. Ramani pointing out that when we are involved with a narcissist, we are treated with cruelty and contempt…even if I knew this intuitively, I hadn’t (yet) actually used those words. Cruelty. Contempt. From people I loved. People I would do anything for. People to whom I devoted years of service. She’s right - it’s not just about the lies, the gaslighting, the stonewalling, the blame-shifting, etc etc It’s about **evil**: in the form of cruel and contemptuous treatment.
"Seek the truth, seek the truth, seek the truth" has been what I have been saying for over a decade to religious abusers. None did and are now deluded and judged because they chose evil. 10And in all the error of evil which is in the perishing, because they did not receive the love of the truth in which they would have Life. 11Because of this, God sent them the activity of delusion that they would believe lies. 12And all those who believed not the truth, but chose evil, will be judged. 2 Thes. 2:10-12 Aramaic
This 🙌 💯‼️ Well Said ... the proof of the truth was just for me keeping sane ... but what got me to leave was seeing and living all the bad treatment the inappropriate disrespectful uncaring things he did daily to me and seeing the manipulations and triangulations of others was all I needed to know it had to end. I was fighting for nothing .... he was happy and I was miserable lying unhappy . I am proud of myself for getting things ended even as horribly as he has attacked and smear campaignsed me ever since I broke up and made us go separate ways...devastatingly painful process as my love was real and our trauma bond was huge !!
Caught mine red handed in a lie, for something I had caught her doing for the first time only a couple weeks before. Had confronted her and asked her not to do it again. I few weeks later I’m telling her I know she’s done it again and why, just why? With a little smirk her answer was, ‘I’ve done that a few times, I don’t know if this one of the times you’re talking about or not.’ Basically admitting to more lies I didn’t even know about. Honestly, I’m glad for that condescending honesty. Was one of the catalysts to my radical acceptance.
They only tell the truth behind your back. But it isn’t really the truth about you. It’s the truth of what they think about you according to whom ever they’re talking to and what they get out of the relationship. It’s maddening. They’re obsessed with themselves and that’s all they see.
My ex-husband had a lifestyle of infidelity prior to me meeting him which continued into our relationship so I knew it wasn't me. We were both 'saved' together in 1993, mine was real but he said he struggled giving up his lifestyle. It wasn't until he handed me his mail on the crew bus at the end of a trip together years later that I found the fateful letter from a woman in London. I confronted him when we arrived home and of course he raged at me. What annoyed me was that I wanted to forgive him but because he was angry every time I mentioned it, his repentance didn't take place for years after but it did. I was then called into a parenting ministry which we successfully led for years, then a call to the nations. My ex-husband saw the gift on my life and actively encouraged it until the religious 'church' began opposing me. I was cast out of Dayspring cult over a decade ago for something I never did and was lied about behind my back. My ex left a year later which divided me from my children, family, friends and ministry community which continues to this day. My children were too young at the time to tell them the history.
I didn’t do right confronted my narc about his infidelity but I dropped hints that I knew. I can be so stupid in thinking that he is a decent human or that he loves me. He has been discarding me now for a few days and it’s the worse ever. I am scared and hurt and alone. I don’t know what to do. When I take steps to protect myself it just enrages him more. And the trauma bond is so real for me, I mean I love him. I can’t switch up like he does. He told me last night he wants to ruin my life. I don’t wanna die by his hand. I wasn’t thinking and I should been smarter about my actions in order to preserve my safety 💔
What an amazing explanation. How simple. Yet we don't think of it this way. Its not just what they done, but it's the method, the way they done it. That's what caused the feep pain in our souls. Will that ever go? I can't see it.
Wow this video is what I needed to hear. My ex cheated on me for months with a coworker and he has yet to admit to anything. I've been driving myself crazy just wanting him to admit to it.
It's been 9 months of no contact. He gave me tons of clues. He dropped hints of this other woman, him constantly mentioning the grey colour of cars, of watching what he was eating, his shaving before a job he was going to. Him starting to work on the weekends. His mentioning he taken his coworker out to lunch at a place we used to frequent. When I point blank asked him i got nothing, no reply. I even went to his house and saw a grey new car in the drive. He locked the door from the inside so my key didn't work. I thought i was going crazy. All these hints he was dropping whilst still planning our future. And like that he left and i have his belongings in my garage. No closure, just an email. I knew. He was the same with me when we started but it's devastating none the less. But I know eventually she'll get the same version of what i ended up getting. 😢
17 years later, I still find myself sometimes ruminating because of the gaslighting incidents, and a few times, I have even woke up as if from a nightmare. If only I had heard of the word narcissist and what one was, I would have dumped the serial cheating, evil, sadistic woman within the first two months. If only I had watched TH-cam and stumbled upon your channel back then, I would have known not all human beings are normal. Some are biologically subhuman and evil.
It has never been about the truth, anything vaguely resembling the truth. Now I'm on the street with my bags, ready to become homeless again for the upteenth time. 😊
I've learnt to question their attitudes and behaviour at every opportunity, wow, they just don't like it, and begin to lose it, that's when I walk away, every time. I may as well behave like this with Narc's, cos you can't hold a conversation with them, that's not about them, and they explode with frustration that THEY'VE been exposed and can't bail themselves out. After a while, they become exhausted and in a seemingly painful way, they give in. I win win win everytime, and they lose all their emotional energy. 😊
![โฮ่ง! (SUGOI) - LYKN [ OFFICIAL MV ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/nFp4zjAARFs/mqdefault.jpg)
And they never think their behavior is the problem
You should just put up with it because this is who they are. This is how they are and it’s your problem. If you can’t handle it I got told I’ll do whatever the fuck I want repeatedly. This is after three years of marriage. I didn’t know what was going on why this person was treating me like this 31 years later I find out what’s wrong with him
Absolutely.
It’s ALWAYS everyone else.
They’re just vile.
They're always the victim... other people are out to get them. Delusional
Nope. And they justify the behavior by telling you that the behavior happened because they aren't getting their needs met. Essentially, gaslighting you into believe you caused this. Then you work double time to try and meet these everchanging needs, that are doused in wordsalad verbiage that it makes no sense, and you end up questioning your own reality, instead of realizing that they are causing all of this. But nope, they will blame you. I was in a complete mindfuck for months. The stress and anxiety caused me to lose 40 pounds in 4-5 months. I went into therapy after he told me that I needed to get therapy to figure myself out. (Even as I write it out, I can't believe this happened to me. Because I am so perceptive. I can't believe I chose to ignore my own intuition and trust him). I began to explain what I was feeling to my first therapist, who pretty much told me this person is a 'cocktease'. I left that therapist and got a different one. While they didn't say the same thing, my new and current therapist completely and utterly validated everything I was experienced and confirmed that what I was experiencing WAS in fact crazy making. I began doing research online and I came across Dr. Ramani. And I listened to her videos. And I was in complete disbelief. TRULY. Dr. Ramani used the SAME words I had been using to describe what I was feeling. And then, I scroll down and have my experience validated over and over and over and over again in the comments. And then slowly, painfully slowly, I was able to understand that... It's not me! IT'S NOT ME! For months, I couldn't understand how I could try so hard to meet this mans needs and never be able to... Or when I do what I'm asked, it never seems to please him. It never seems to make him see me trying. I'm only a week out from having left that situation, but there is ABSOLUTELY NO GOING BACK EVER! I need to heal from all the damage I endured in that relationship. He blamed me all the way to the end. And used that to justify his horrible treatment towards me. How can I ever trust another human being again? Sometimes I feel like I don't want to ever date again. I don't want to EVER be vulnerable the way I was in this relationship. I had NEVER been so vulnerable and to have those things I shared during moments of vulnerability weaponized against me... These wounds run so deep. Like a poison that I'm trying to rid of my body. I want to forget the last two years of my life... (I guess this is the healing part that is so hard and I need to endure in order to rebuild and repair and to NEVER allow something like this to happen to me again.
@goldcoyns I have been out of my last toxic relationship for about 10 months now and I don't think I could ever date or trust someone again
narcissists aren't just communication clowns, they're the entire circus. their gaslighting, stonewalling and silent treatments when asked questions they don't like, exposes their immaturity. that’s why narcissists never grow - instead they rot from the inside.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
Not my monkey not my circus . Which is why I refuse to okay their games
Agree! Hello from Central Ontario, Canada.
Sibling rivalry!!!!
The entire circus 😂
I don't know why my TH-cam is now in French. Reminds me to sharpen my language skills. 😂 Anyway, I had to pause just to comment on one of the first points:
I was told I was falsely accusing someone of calling me a certain name I found hurtful (and other names too). I have proof of it in a text message.
I know according to scripture love makes no record of wrongs. I guess that means there is no love between us.
I don't want to hold a grudge though. I know that is bad for my health if I do.
When narcissists constantly lie it keeps us in a state of vigilance questioning everything they do and is not good for our mental and emotional health too. The constant state of doubt is emotionally exhausting.
I was in a constant state of doubt, anxiety, and sadly, fear... and I lost 40 pounds in a matter of months. I lost all appetite. But not just for food, but for life itself. All I wanted to do was make sense of what I was dealing with so I can meet the needs he blamed me for not meeting... Its a mindfuck like no other. I lost all control of my own perception and intuition. I couldn't rely on myself to understand what was reality or not. Everything I thought I knew was pulled out from under me, like a rug, and I was free-falling, trying to grip onto any shred of what I thought was true about myself... all the while, this vermin is poisoning me with his toxic rot, telling me, I'm not a happy person. I was not a happy person when he met me. I am my mother's child. I need to be more confident, despite the fact that, I discovered he was engaging with other men on social media apps and planning to meet up with them to have sex. And still, I stayed and tried to make it work. Tried to appease him. Nothing worked. I would ask myself... If I'm such a terrible person, why are you with me? Why haven't you left me, especially when I tried to break things off TWICE, in the relationship. It took a LONG while, but I know the answer now... It's because, IT'S NOT ME! I'm not the root cause of the emptiness, the loneliness, the insecurity that he feels inside. I'm just the punching bag because I am all the things he is not. I could feel the disdain toward me. The contempt, when his own family members seemed to gravitate to me for contact and communication and not him. He barely had any friends to begin with. Barely had a meaningful relationship with his parents and would treat them terribly, but would go to them when he wanted their financial support. The way he would constantly say 'the dog loves you more than he loves me'. A dog that he got behind my back, and would try to make my jealous by being overly affectionate towards the dog. But it was so ingenuine and it's almost like the dog knew. I really believed that he was not nice to the dog when I wasn't around... (I think I really need to start journaling.)
@@goldcoyns this is why narcissists choose intelligent people- to use their intelligence against them because intelligent people learn their lessons fast and well. The phrase itself “its not you” nails the truth even more it is not us.
Narcissists always want you to feel bad when they are unsatisfied,, I don’t understand why they don’t want to feel good with people,😊
They feel good when you feel bad.
It is virtually impossible to wrap your head around. Then on top of this, they project their ill intent onto you. It is literal crazymaking behavior.
@@ultraviolet3905 Exactly they need you to feel bad in order to feel good with themselves, my narc mother iis pure evil and is using my money problems to torture me😭
I wanted her to feel bad about cheating and its still sinking in that she will never feel bad about literally anything she does and I will not ever be considered.
@@rubberbiscuit99 The ultimate...when they turn around and twist their ill-intent to suddenly be long to you...TRULY disturbing.
Iif you make the mistake of confronting the narcissist about their lie they double down.
Only answer is to walk away, get legal protection if needed (Restraining order) & heal. Then live your life well. It is the best "revenge".
@@wrennspencer6070 also,,,,,, pray to God for divine intervention... unrightousness can never win. If you stay bold and in control enough you can make them think they have their own domain, when in reality, theyre exposing themselves openly and losing fragments of their inner core each and everyday=D
The gaslighting is UNREAL 😢
no it's very real stop gaslighting yourself
it is a crime in my eyes. people who are haters are the sickest
Whats more important to them imo is the narratives they set and expect others to follow. Its their world and fantasy while to many others its a twisted, whirlwind nightmare.
Exactly.
True.
I agree.
Yes!
💯
Betrayal and lying is their natural form. Why will they see anything wrong with it?
It’s predicated on a lie 🤦♀️ stop trying to make sense of someone who’s having a psychotic break with reality & only believes their own delusions
I no longer bother. I'm healing myself, I know who they are now and I just don't care. I see nothing in their eyes. They need my love and hate. They need me to BE them. I give nothing
Well said. The “ hate “ part is difficult though.
It is amazing how quickly they can respond to accusation with lies, deflection, and gaslights. I dont even understand how you can come up with a false story so quickly.
Brilliant. I remember that obsession with wanting them to cop to the truth. It kept me stuck for years and my family thought I was nuts. Any attempt to get the truth was always met with denial, gaslighting, stonewalling, or deflecting. We have to get OK with the fact that most of the time we will never know the exact truth or get a confession. What matters is getting to a SAFE place with our sanity intact.
Yes! Safety first!
The truth is that you will never get the truth from a Narc. 🍒
What’s even worse than the betrayal is that they proclaim to be the most honest/truthful person anyone will ever encounter, and infer that you are the liar when they gaslight you. I absolutely felt like a detective in my own home daily. Not only did I not feel safe, he proclaimed his only intention “ever” was to make me feel safe, and that he did a great job of accomplishing just that! Oh, and I was just ungrateful for all he did. 🤦♀️
They are nothing of the sort. They deceive. They hide their sinister sooooo good. But it always comes to light. And when you unmask them, they turn it on you and gaslight you into believe that it is your fault because you haven't met their 'needs'. My ex told me that he did EVERYTHING to make me feel safe when I told him I did not feel safe in the relationship. But how could he had made me feel safe when he NEVER EARNED the trust he broke when he cheated on my the first time. (And although he always denied cheating, I know he did. There is no way he did not...)
What fooled me for years, was that he was a sanctimonious hypocrite. What appeared to be conservative was all fake.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
I just found out my ex spent about 10x what I expected would be the cost of an improvement to a jointly owned property. The improvement was not necessary and I did not want it. He told me in front of a large number of people about the cost. I was expected to understand that it wasn’t his fault, the contractor kept raising the price. I was later shamed by one of his siblings for not understanding that this “wasn’t his fault”. I am not allowed to be shocked when I was betrayed by my money being spent behind my back.
I dont remember my dad raging at me, but he would belittle, ignore, and make fun of any disagreements or challenges or requests of him or any expressions of emotion and hurt from his behavior. He didn’t need to rage at me, I remember being so scared of him, and I was considered the
“good child”. His manipulations were enough to emotionally pummel the ability to speak up for myself. This video has been so helpful because I still -even after being no contact for 10 years - am STILL finding myself trying to figure out “how to explain why I’m no contact” with him. He wrote me a letter a couple of years ago asking, and it continues to be so tempting to get sucked back in and respond! And it’s exactly this, I have to keep reminding myself that the truth is not going to change anything with him. It never did in the past. I think I’ll be coming back to this video often.
❤
that's exactly what happened to my "friends", they lied to me, took advantage of me, humiliated me. Discovering narcissism allowed me to cut them out of my life once and for all.
They are who they are and when that hurts. Turn around and walk away. Don’t become angry because that negative energy is their fuel
This really hit home. You're absolutely right as always, the problem is the cruelty, not the lie. Thanks Dr. Ramani.❤
Yes. Betrayal is betrayal.
Thank you Dr Ramani it is about recognising their appalling treatment of us and they never accept any accountability because this would challenge that false mask that they believe in about themselves. Thank you , you are so precious and you save lives.
My story Dr Ramani. True detective in search of truth. Thank you for pointing out that it's not about demonstrating the lies but about the cruelty of the behavior.
Cruelty to animals is a crime.
Cruelty to humans is not necessarily a crime. And in cases where it should be, you need lots of money, an army of investigators and a team of lawyers to back it up. Even then the victims rarely see justice, only half-assed, insincere apologies.
Omg, YES! Detective in my own crime thriller!! I recall constantly trying to gather information. And I would get it. But, I always needed o e more thing to convince myself. And I couldn't understand why...why I needed one more thing. I was so off balance from the constant crazy-making abuse.
Dr. Ramani, you are doing the Lord's work. Blessings to you and yours.
Its been two months since i cut out the narcissist in my life. She pulled a DARVO on me the day confronted her. Denied absolutely everything and said i was attacking her character. Brought up things that were irrelevant.
Saddest part is that we married brothers. My husband is the oldest and her husband is the second son and it's caused a riff in their relationship. It's sad because her husband doesnt know the things she says and does behind his back. She always waits for him to leave the room to start slandering people's name.
Also, she's got all our friends to turn their backs on me. Everyone loves her because shes so generous with her time and money on them but she talks smack about everyone, thats how i knew she was talking behind my back. Im done with that high school stuff. Im at peace now that i dont have to deal with her. Sad that ive lost friends of many years, but i dont need that in my life.
It's interesting how just this morning I randomly remembered a series of events that happened early in my marriage (during my pregnancy) which all pointed to my then-spouse being unfaithful. I was going to ask him about this, but then I thought... Nah! What's the point? He won't tell me the truth and will confuse me more. I tried to be content with not knowing. It doesn't make a real difference considering we're separated and I'll never go back to him. The bottom line is that he has betrayed me in so many ways and I know I can never trust him. No matter what he says I'll always have a margin for doubt. So, what's the point of asking? I'm just glad I'm not with him so although it wasn't fair and it makes me angry I'm just counting my blessings for being out of that toxic relationship. Thank you... your post was a special godsend today. 🙏
Exactly, The evidence of lack of trust is all that's really needed to know the relationship won't work out and you don't have to entertain their worldview anymore.
Whenever I would find proof on his phone, he would gaslight me with invading his privacy.
I caught him in a lie about hiding assets during the divorce. His reply, “I wasn’t trying to hide assets.” What a great answer! Only a narcissist could say of that.
HOW WE ARE TREATED!
I've been struggling with this for the last few weeks in an incident with my friends. I saw some terrible behaviors come out of my friends that crossed so many of my boundaries and shot up so many red flags. I know the truth of the situation, but it was their behavior as I was trying to talk about the truth and THEIR ACTIONS that hurt me. The way they treated me is intolerable. Their selfishness was intolerable. That hurt me. I brought it up that they hurt me, and they didn't even care. They mumbled "sorry" a few times, but they weren't sorry. What they did was deliberate, and it hurt me.
I am allowed to be hurt by people's careless, selfish actions. It's so hard for me to remember that I am allowed to be hurt after a lifetime of being scapegoated and dumped on.
I played the last minute of the video a few times to help it sink in. This is not a safe relationship, and these are not safe people.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I really needed this message today.
Double punch 👊 one, two! So true
When I became a private investigator, and showed the proof. It was, "no I didn't do that!
You're crazy, you need help, get the f away from me, something is wrong with you, you
You
YOU"...projectile puke salad 🥗
Not love. I am grateful I made it out alive 🙏 🙌
I do not want anything from them anymore. The "contrarian, cruel, Narcissist" could do anything he wants and I avoid him at all costs.
You look beautiful Dr. Ramani. Love your dress too. I have progressed very far over several years, but I still need refreshers!! Yes "how they talk to you." Never reaches a mature level or a true honest one. Always a game. God Bless You.
This was very encouraging to me! It will help me not ruminate over the truth but instead the real culprit is their behavior and their decision to be this way which I don’t have to put up with by internalizing.
Narcissists are allergic to the truth. 😂
The thing with my narcissistic marriage is the betrayal was more him pretending to love me. He pretended to be somebody he wasn’t and abused me, and that was the whole point of the whole relationship was to have somebody to drop his crap on to use to be made his secretary, his cook, his servant, basically his slave and used for sex that’s what it was. I was his slave and I was also somebody to dump that shit on then he couldn’t handle so I had my own stress and then he would dump stuff on me too that was the betrayal to me destroyed me to find out he never loved me. This is after 31 years of marriage. Finding out this person, just wanted to destroy me They wanted to destroy you as a person destroy your life and this is why they married you find this out that you’ve been putting up with this person and they’re just straight out abusing you. They don’t care about you at all. They don’t care if they’re making you sick they don’t care . I was never aloud to have anything not even an opinion you’re not even allowed to have emotions you’re not allowed to have an opinion you’re not allowed to buy anything you’re not allowed any attention on your birthday or any other time you’re totally devoid of any humanity your dehumanized so they can abuse you and they get everybody else to abuse too you’re like a doll in the closet, they drag out to to verbally abused because they had a bad day or they’re f ing bored !!!!
My story
The truth in me is what counts. Use to worry if I might have not/ heard seen or got it right. Well, I know I got it right and just settle that right off the bat. Working on my self and getting out is what I'm working on. But, for awhile, I didn't really accept that yes you are seeing the truth and quit denying it to myself.
When they get old and forgetful, this gets even worse! They now forget everything they already told me and tell a different lie! Yet just like in the past they remember everything I did they perceive as against them. Still zero accountability, just more contempt, more selfishness, more lies. Nothing I say is remembered but every slight they perceive is stored forever!
So true
"A detective" Exactly! Recording conversations, gathering evidence, saving screenshots of text conversations. The only thing all these are good for is for you to keep your feet on the ground and know that your truth is the reality... Also when you have to save your reputation from someone the narcissist got a hold on and triangulated with. This person could be your child or someone you care about. So, yeah...
I asked "dont u care how people feel after spending time with u?" I still see the smirk as he responded that he did not give a fk
I wouldn't trade places with any narcissist in the world, nothing ever makes them happy.
Basically we want them to own that they are only interested in hurting us. To confirm that, lets us grant ourselves our walking papers to leave them. Proof is closure.
You dissected n summed it up so correctly that such relationships are never safe given there is no accountability, even after every shred of evidence n proof indicates who is the culprit n at fault yet the audacity in which they proceed to harass n malign their victim is beyond comprehension,
The ex narc's group of friends is a circle of narcissists.
The group influenced the ex so much, their narrative became his...
The group chronically insulted women (me included) and he never defended me...always took their side.
These are grown, adult men, in their mid 50s to mid 70s-
Single, never married...it's no wonder.
Sadly the men keep him at arms length, so while he thinks they are friends, nope!
They exclude him, from playing "reindeer" games.
When i noticed that he and a "good" friend had a damaged, abusive relationship with each other. I knew that my husband doesnt care who he hurts, with words and actions.
I call these men who seem attracted to women only for how much they can abuse them to impress their buddies, "Bro-mosexuals."
Narcissists will never apologize. They always make you at fault. Its always the other person's fault and make them feel bad. They also verbally abuse you to the core.
You can find the truth. It’s written in their actions, not their words. After having thought I could derive meaning from their words, I’ve learned the hard lesson that they don’t mean much. The future faking is an example. Or they’ll apologize for hurtful actions as though they mean it. So you go on as though things might actually change and then they don’t. It’s an even bigger letdown after having false hope. No “meaningful” conversation has ever led to lasting or meaningful change. Oftentimes, they set you up to let you down. It’s a power play. Or they get you to talk by saying things to make you believe they think/feel a certain way. In the quick and fleeting moment, you might feel comfortable enough to share your own thoughts and feelings. Then they weaponize them for use against you. If it involves sharing something about another, they go to them, omit any or all of what they shared and tell the person it was you who said it. Sometimes it’s that they might actually think/feel those things and just want to see how the other person responds to it. Or they have the chance to tell the person what they think by telling them what you said. The reaction of the other person leads them to their next move. We’re pawns. Life is a game. They don’t revere the truth or respect your thoughts/feelings. They literally weaponize them and play life like a game. I don’t understand how such a lack of morality can exist or fail to exist within a human being. .
Everything you say can and is used against you.
@@maggamoosie801 you’re right. They can’t. They play so many of them they lose track. I’ve caught onto that too.
@@BeachPeach2010 They are like the police. Except they read you your rights by their own behavior in response to your actions or words. “Everything you say can and will be used against you.” Even a sincere compliment can go very, very wrong.
Truth bombs dropping right here! Getting my dose of sane everyday, thank you!!
Thank you for this. It is a brilliant and honest insight to a very common problem with narcissists. It defines the total lack of consideration they bestow upon others.
Mine would lie with a chuckle and a snarky look on his face when I confronted him with the truth in the final reverse discard (6 months ago) like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
I highly recommend the Truman show to anyone who doesn't understand what it's like being gaslighted. I just watched a review about it and found it very relatable, like when I did before learning about narcissists and the abuse
I watched "The Truman Show" with my narcissist. At the end of the movie he told me that I didn't want to know the truth. he said If he were a character in the movie he said he wanted to continue living in that simulation and not know the truth. He lives in a dream world in his own life.
@crescent628 Wow, that's some delusional matrix level sh!t! 😳 Well at least you know the truth and what makes sense for you!
I know how important we are to you. I understand what you are getting at in this video. Below is from my personal experience with one of these conscienceless people and for me the truth is vital for key reasons. Will I ever learn the whole truth, nope. But the critical parts I do know. Not safe. Exactly. That is why the Truth is so very vital. You have to know the level of real danger you are in. Only the truth will expose their true level of willingness to harm and how far they may go.
As for the “cheating “. I am so frustrated with it being lumped with lying. It is a physical danger that kills some of us with disease. Not knowing the the physical risks means not getting treatment timely and whatever results from the years of delays.
As for needing them to admit After you have proof as some sort of closure. That’s just something to come to terms with that is its own level of painful processing.
I'm tired of mental scrambled eggs😢
Oh and don't forget once they finally cop to the truth because they're caught red-handed and it's undeniable they will then say you're a control freak and you drove them to it.
Even when you have no controlling bone in your body
I had to become a detective to end the idea I was tripping. And you are right it's not about the truth, it's about the fact they could betray you and see nothing wrong with their behavior!
Funny enough, I divorced from a 23-year mariage in 2013. I am coming out right now from a 6-m relationship (platonic, distance, but deeply intimate/emotional) with a long-terme female friend, who opened my eyes on the profile of a covert narc (she turned out to be). And I realise my mariage was with exactly the same profile. The funny thing is my ex was obsessed into being trained, and working as a detective ; she did a bit of that work, and enjoyed most on enquiring about cheating couples... : a fascinating hobby or job, isn't it ?
100% description of my last relationship and my striving to get the "truth" from him! Thanks again dear Doc for the validating details about becoming a "detective" what in end effect was useless because he switched every story to make me feel crazy or raged at ME although he had been the unfaithful one that I caught lying so many times 😢
I have a child with a narc and now I have radical acceptance! It’s awesome! I focus on me and the baby and that’s it, when he rages I leave
Thanks @DoctorRamani the detective in me… saw the DARVO doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over.
Thank you Dr Ramani... my takeaway from unwanted interactions with family members who display NPD traits it comes down to the lack of emotional regulation. Run!!!
Such a great point! I’m someone who gets caught up in that quest, but have learned to get past it and to the point…sometimes slowly, sometimes with grace & sometimes not. But I get there 😂
I love you, so much, Dr. Ramani. You have helped me emotionally and cognitively with your informative pod cast. I feel as if you are saving me.
Spot on 100%
Dating him was like playing "Where's Waldo" (all over the map). Never consistency in his actions or behaviors. When I confronted him about his betrayal, he went off on me "YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES" Hmm, wonder why? Heard it more than once.
The way narcissists become instant expert armchair psychologists is pathetic and laughable.
Thanks for the truth and validation.
Why they dibt get the fact that they hurt you is beyond me. In fact they wont care. Money talks volume to them. Thats the bottom line
Thank you Dr Ramani 💛
I 'woke up' to my family of origin 4 years ago. One of your videos was the first I ever watched on the subject of narcissistic abuse.
It's quite the journey. Thank you for everything that you do ❤️❤️❤️🙏
OMG, right on. Mind blown
Wow!! Good one, Dr. R.!! Thank you. 💜
LOVE this. Thank you.
You look great today! There is lots of reasons we are distressed
by their behavior. Thankfully that ain't our whole story, there are
things in life that we miss because we care about some idiot!
Btw, ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ love jumping right into the content!!! Thank you❤
First- you look amazing Dr. Ramani! I have two narc sisters, my father was a narcisist, my ex was a vulnerable narc and I work with a crazy narcisist. Thanx to you I understand whats going on, everything is spot on- always!!! I first found your videos when I googled the characteristics of the man I was in love with. It was a very tough breakup after 3 years, but I learned so much from you and you have saved my life!❤he did tell me I was crazy when I caught him lying (he lied about everything all the time😮), he shamed me for my age (50), he had an excuse and an explanation for everything! Even when I caught him having a tinder account (where he also lied about his age…) he blamed me for that account😂😂he got in a rage and asked me if I really wanted him or not… so sick. I just wish I had kicked him out of my life a lot sooner!! I am slowly healing and getting my powers back but I dont think I can trust any guy again🤷🏼♀️
Yes you ate so damn right Doc. And this BEHAVIOUR management is what I focused on this time when I was shouted out for a trivial reason. I firmly shot back " DONT SCREAM", when earlier I wld get embroiled in the fight after being gas-lit.
Spot on!
He said, all irritated, "what do you want me to do? Tell you that I'm not going to do it?"
Yes, yes, yes!
@DoctorRamani The "truth quest" has me trapped. Can you please do an in-depth video on how to let that go? ... how to stop ruminating on ways to ... 'open their eyes'. In my mind, I have conversations with them that will never happen and it causes anxiety and stress issues. I was recently diagnosed with Angina and a medical procedure was the result. I have to get this under control. I know you can help. I'll be watching.
I just got to the point where I accept that I will be betrayed and they will lie about it. It’s not enough radical acceptance, imo. I still say, whenever I ask about something or ask them to do something, that my expectation is that they will not do it and will lie or criticize me about it. At least I can do that calmly and feel calm. Some day I may get to where I don’t even have to let them know that I know. Probably not while I’m living with them, and that’s going to be tough to change. In the meantime, I will enjoy the calm.
I am so glad I watched this video prior to family dinner last night. It was only a matter of time before she blew up gaslighting…I said nothing allowed her to be exposed to her fiancé… amazing
Sooo true.
Thank you for the reminder, this is paramount.
This video is GOLD Dr. Ramani!!
In 2022, about 6 months before my divorce, my ex showed up at my office with her upper chest and neck all flushed red from having sex with someone else. When I called her on it she went so ballistic with rage at me that I ended up apologizing to her for even saying anything.(. I didn't yet know what the time she was a narcissist). And she ended up telling three different lies between her best friend and I about how she got all read- hot car, cold freezer at work, and gym equipment- yeah right.
The truth really matters to me.
Truth is cloaked in darkness for narcissists and do you know how impossible it is to not want to try to uncover why? For me?
I’m a work in progress but my aim is true. I’m listening and I’m guided by voices that are lifting me away out of this mess!
That's it the fact that this person will act this way is really hard to get over.
Dr. Ramani pointing out that when we are involved with a narcissist, we are treated with cruelty and contempt…even if I knew this intuitively, I hadn’t (yet) actually used those words.
Cruelty. Contempt.
From people I loved.
People I would do anything for.
People to whom I devoted years of service.
She’s right - it’s not just about the lies, the gaslighting, the stonewalling, the blame-shifting, etc etc
It’s about **evil**: in the form of cruel and contemptuous treatment.
"Seek the truth, seek the truth, seek the truth" has been what I have been saying for over a decade to religious abusers. None did and are now deluded and judged because they chose evil.
10And in all the error of evil which is in the perishing, because they did not receive the love of the truth in which they would have Life. 11Because of this, God sent them the activity of delusion that they would believe lies. 12And all those who believed not the truth, but chose evil, will be judged. 2 Thes. 2:10-12 Aramaic
This 🙌 💯‼️ Well Said ... the proof of the truth was just for me keeping sane ... but what got me to leave was seeing and living all the bad treatment the inappropriate disrespectful uncaring things he did daily to me and seeing the manipulations and triangulations of others was all I needed to know it had to end. I was fighting for nothing .... he was happy and I was miserable lying unhappy . I am proud of myself for getting things ended even as horribly as he has attacked and smear campaignsed me ever since I broke up and made us go separate ways...devastatingly painful process as my love was real and our trauma bond was huge !!
Caught mine red handed in a lie, for something I had caught her doing for the first time only a couple weeks before. Had confronted her and asked her not to do it again. I few weeks later I’m telling her I know she’s done it again and why, just why?
With a little smirk her answer was, ‘I’ve done that a few times, I don’t know if this one of the times you’re talking about or not.’ Basically admitting to more lies I didn’t even know about.
Honestly, I’m glad for that condescending honesty. Was one of the catalysts to my radical acceptance.
They only tell the truth behind your back. But it isn’t really the truth about you. It’s the truth of what they think about you according to whom ever they’re talking to and what they get out of the relationship. It’s maddening. They’re obsessed with themselves and that’s all they see.
My ex-husband had a lifestyle of infidelity prior to me meeting him which continued into our relationship so I knew it wasn't me. We were both 'saved' together in 1993, mine was real but he said he struggled giving up his lifestyle. It wasn't until he handed me his mail on the crew bus at the end of a trip together years later that I found the fateful letter from a woman in London. I confronted him when we arrived home and of course he raged at me. What annoyed me was that I wanted to forgive him but because he was angry every time I mentioned it, his repentance didn't take place for years after but it did.
I was then called into a parenting ministry which we successfully led for years, then a call to the nations. My ex-husband saw the gift on my life and actively encouraged it until the religious 'church' began opposing me. I was cast out of Dayspring cult over a decade ago for something I never did and was lied about behind my back. My ex left a year later which divided me from my children, family, friends and ministry community which continues to this day. My children were too young at the time to tell them the history.
I didn’t do right confronted my narc about his infidelity but I dropped hints that I knew. I can be so stupid in thinking that he is a decent human or that he loves me. He has been discarding me now for a few days and it’s the worse ever. I am scared and hurt and alone. I don’t know what to do. When I take steps to protect myself it just enrages him more. And the trauma bond is so real for me, I mean I love him. I can’t switch up like he does. He told me last night he wants to ruin my life. I don’t wanna die by his hand. I wasn’t thinking and I should been smarter about my actions in order to preserve my safety 💔
I'd guess what matters more is getting out and getting to safety.
They use the truth to lie. Understanding what is going on is not about what they said or did, but what they ARE.
What an amazing explanation. How simple. Yet we don't think of it this way. Its not just what they done, but it's the method, the way they done it. That's what caused the feep pain in our souls. Will that ever go? I can't see it.
Wow this video is what I needed to hear. My ex cheated on me for months with a coworker and he has yet to admit to anything. I've been driving myself crazy just wanting him to admit to it.
It's been 9 months of no contact. He gave me tons of clues. He dropped hints of this other woman, him constantly mentioning the grey colour of cars, of watching what he was eating, his shaving before a job he was going to. Him starting to work on the weekends. His mentioning he taken his coworker out to lunch at a place we used to frequent. When I point blank asked him i got nothing, no reply. I even went to his house and saw a grey new car in the drive. He locked the door from the inside so my key didn't work.
I thought i was going crazy. All these hints he was dropping whilst still planning our future.
And like that he left and i have his belongings in my garage.
No closure, just an email.
I knew. He was the same with me when we started but it's devastating none the less.
But I know eventually she'll get the same version of what i ended up getting. 😢
17 years later, I still find myself sometimes ruminating because of the gaslighting incidents, and a few times, I have even woke up as if from a nightmare. If only I had heard of the word narcissist and what one was, I would have dumped the serial cheating, evil, sadistic woman within the first two months. If only I had watched TH-cam and stumbled upon your channel back then, I would have known not all human beings are normal. Some are biologically subhuman and evil.
Such a pretty dress you have on to day, dr. Ramani! ☺️ and pretty make up!
In addition to serving us important and helpful knowledge!! ❤❤
It has never been about the truth, anything vaguely resembling the truth. Now I'm on the street with my bags, ready to become homeless again for the upteenth time. 😊
I've learnt to question their attitudes and behaviour at every opportunity, wow, they just don't like it, and begin to lose it, that's when I walk away, every time. I may as well behave like this with Narc's, cos you can't hold a conversation with them, that's not about them, and they explode with frustration that THEY'VE been exposed and can't bail themselves out. After a while, they become exhausted and in a seemingly painful way, they give in. I win win win everytime, and they lose all their emotional energy. 😊
After what she did to me, I doubt I'll ever feel "safe" in another relationship.
My husband was an alcoholic and I was a detective all the time.
And the gas lighting the lying kept me ruminating for 20 years during that marriage
Thank you DR Ramani
so well said as always