Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? What tips would you give to someone currently in one on how to get out. Let's help each other! Comment below
I went through pretty much the same exact things as you except I'm not sure if he ever cheated on me. There's only one or 2 times where I thought maybe he did cheat. Coming from a broken home where I was abused mentally, sexually, and emotionally, it was super easy for me to fall for someone who "loved" me when I never felt loved or wanted.
I have been in toxic relationships since childhood dealing with narcissists and ended up attracting another narcissist and stayed for 7 years, but I have grown since then and learned so much from the experience. I'm much stronger and wiser because of it. I found self love, self confidence and self worth. The level up is REAL!!!
Pay attention to the red flags and stop giving them excuses for their toxic behavior because at the end of the day, you're enabling their behavior and not letting them being accountable for their actions/behavior.
It's so upsetting that I watch these videos and see such a strong, independent, confident and articulate woman and find out you were once treated in such a despicable way by someone. Never let anyone convince you you are less than what you are.
I'm in a toxic relationship I'm saving up to get my own place so I can leave. I've been emotionally done with him for a while and I cant wait to be single
your partner is a reflection of you..they will trigger you and show you your subconscious programs that you need to overcome..whether it’s guilt, shame, feeling like your not good enough or worthy of happiness etc..you have to heal from your traumas and truly love yourself before settling down or you’ll keep getting the same results.
“I choose to stay .. I was needy .. I hated him as a person I wasn’t happy for him I didn’t want good things to happen to him but I was in love with him in a form of this addiction” wow so relatable 😖
Yeah, and the work only counts as positive as long as all involved are actively cooperating and working together, dead weights, aka. Toxic people, doesn't do work by definition. And the only suffering that's acceptable is that caused by external factors where the people in the relationship is volounteering to share the load, such as loss of a parent to old age etc.
Shan I just left my 8 yr relationship at 26 and I just want to say thank you time and time again you have instilled a little strength in me through your words each fkn time ❤️🥑
Awww im goiin thru literally the same thing exactly , 8 years done just two weeks ago. It's super hard but for the best. It getting a little easier day by day. Stay strong beautiful! ♥
Ladies... I feel so close to being done! 5 years in, 1 year of marriage and it's just constant arguing and days without speaking to each other. He can hold a grudge. I literally wish I could grow balls overnight! 💔😢
@@maritzaplaza2394 I’m not married but I just left a relationship of 9 years. I felt so drained I couldn’t take it no more. I’ve been losing weight going work unhappy but now it’s my time to shine ✨
It's crazy because it becomes so apparent the relationship was shit once you are out but when you're in it it's like you have blinders on. The one part about you going through his computer I can really relate to. I became a snoop because I knew something wasn't right and that's likely why you did it as well. As that was never a part of my character in past relationships or even with him until I was years in and could feel that something was going on. Great video Shannon!
I was born into the middle of this kind of toxic relationship. It reverberates down through generations. If you won't leave for yourself, 💔leave for the little ones.💕 Leave before the little ones.💖
I actually found you through a hater named Loni Love on the real, anyway forget that...I am addicted to how open you are, I purchased your book and to me it's astonishing how our haters actually promote us as well! Thank you so much for your openness. You are so incredibly real and I love that! Thank you.
My heart was breaking the entire time while watching this because it made me realize that if I have a similar sitting with myself I'd realize how unhappy I am in my current relationship.
Just dumped my toxic abusive boyfriend. Ofc it was hard and yeah, I've been crying since then but I had to do it. For myself. And I know that someday when things will finally fall into places, I'll thank myself for what I did today.
I left mine when I realized I was participating in the abuse, by willing to receive it. If I take my self away, he loses his power. And I gain mine. I was giving him permission to abuse me.
i love this representation of having a mental reflection/conversation with yourself! You're so creative p.s. be careful people. toxic relationships can occur in "friendships" too
I was with a narcissist for 3-4 years, I didn't learn about what narcissistic personaility disorders are until towards the end of our last breakup. 😏 When you come out the other side it, it is crazy to think of the things you went through. I found a channel that was so informative on npd and I was shocked, at the time, to find that it really is a thing (because everything said lined up with my experience) and about just how common it is. I think the biggest misconception about being with an abusive person, is when people say bullshit like "you chose to stay". People don't understand that emotional and mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Obviously what person in their right mind would stay with an abuser, right? When somebody has abused and isolated you so you feel like you have no one and are alone, broken you down and over time has formed that trauma bond, it is not easy to just "walk away".
I'd say that in some ways, psychological abuse is worse, because it trains and forces the person targeted to participate in abusing themselves in the hope of appeasement and leniency and internalise a sense of spiritual debt, an original sin owed to the perpetrator.
Absolutely. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years and he made me start doubting myself and manipulated me to think there was something wrong with me, not him. Although I am slowly healing I still have days where I have low confidence in myself because of how he always made me feel inferior.
Absolutely!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 And that is why we should applaud each and every individual who has come out of trauma and beat the odds! Let’s uplift everyone who is currently in a toxic relationship and provide light for them. Lastly, let us thank those above and below who provided that light and support for us while we were down and allowed us to remember how to shine again 💎
omg im gonna cry, i needed this. I can hear the pain in your voice when you speak because i am currently going through the same thing trying to find the strength to leave.
When I tell someone “We’re not compatible” they always made me feel stupid like “what do you mean???” I think it’s pretty self explanatory “People are subconsciously manipulative” Shallon Lester.
Ugh my ex and I have been “breaking up” for several months. If that doesn’t say toxic idk what does. I’m just starting this video but hopefully this is what I need to finally let go of a man that has been less than deserving of my love and forgiveness. I love him but I know he’s gotta go after all these years
I can relate! I finally left and it’s only been a month but this has been the longest I’ve gone without any communication and honestly it’s so much healthier for your mental health. The constant back and forths can’t be good for the mind and body
How I wish I would've seen this kind of video 8 years ago. After 3 years of being in a toxic relationship and letting myself go so bad to the point of having suicidal thoughts I thank god I had enough courage to walk away. Unfortunately, I still get to see him because of our children but it feels good to say I have established boundaries and have learned to heal myself. Thank you for sharing your story Shan! You might be helping someone going through the same experience. 💕🙏🏽
brncvl how did it have your children reacted to your separation? And as a mom how are you dealing with explaining your children that you had to leave their father ??
First off I want to say that I absolutely love everything about this video Shan! You mentioned the mean comments or “bombs” that he would drop on you. That kinda sounds like mental or emotional abuse and it is nice to hear how you overcame and go out of that relationship
I had an ex keep in communication with their most recent ex. My intuition said that something was odd, so did the whole snooping and found hundreds of naked pictures. When confronted, they stopped speaking to me AND just went back to their ex. No remorse or accountability. It was INSANE! I felt insecure the whole time relationship, like I could never do or be enough. Looking back I saw the signs and no matter how strong a connection/potential I should have left!
I really appreciated the part where you called out the bullshit cliché that states relationships are supposed to be work. Since I first heard that saying, I didn't understand it. Glad I'm not the only one to acknowledge how that quote has the potential to perpetuate abusive behaviour.
Lisa Ward I agree! Though I think usually when people say that they’re talking about how you have to learn to communicate effectively with your partner and make healthy compromises, things like that. The saying becomes a problem when people start using it to brush off selfish/dishonest behavior in order to save an unhealthy relationship
This sounds a lot like a past relationship of mine. It just got to a point where my soul was shattered into a million pieces and if I didn't leave I was going to end up committing suicide. I didn't have a lot of resources to walk away on my own, I had to have help to get the hell out, and it was the best thing I did for myself. When I was young I thought abuse was physical, and now I know that it can be emotional as well. Probably the best thing to come out of it is learning that I deserve to be treated a lot better than that.
watching this hurt, it felt like i was listening to my own story...this video truly is so fucking important and I know a lot of people needed to hear this, i needed to hear this...I’m thankful I was able to remove myself from my past toxic relationships and thrive in my new one..
Therapist Shan is brilliant with her listening/facial expressions.. I'm very glad im past this phase in my life.. self care is absolutely paramount no matter what you feel for other person. People treat you how you let them. Set the standard from early and be prepared to walk away when they violate your values.
A few months ago I ended a toxic relationship, my second one might I add. And after a while I realized I ignored the warning signs before it started. This video is a great truthful representation of how these relationships are. Thank you for being so beautifully honest
This was very transparent. Bottom line, you departed the toxic relationship. Learning experience of what to do and/or not to do. Continue to expound your self worth and the pursuit of happiness. Happy healing Shan.
I am so proud of your honesty, bravery and real life experience. This hurts but I am overjoyed knowing you are out and have learned more about yourself and the love and respect you deserve. Leaving toxic relationships are not easy but to leave is freedom of your mind, body and spirit. Girl, thank you. I hear and see you. ♥️
Whenever I broke up with my abusive boyfriend he would tell me the same thing “you don’t know how relationships work you have to work harder “ you can’t just give up. Now I know it didn’t have to be that hard and he was just making me feel guilty for not wanting to put up with his bs. Thank you so much for this video 🙏
This video was perfect and came at the right time. I just got out of a toxic relationship a couple days ago. The red flags were there, we kept breaking up and getting back together. I honestly felt I was losing myself to accommodate him. He broke up with me and it was like a sigh of relief and I knew I was not going to get back with him after that. He called the same day talking about can I bring you food. I said no and that I don't want to be his friend, I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Thankfully it lasted only five months.
Shannon, I just turned 18 and I really want to experience dating (the bad and the good). It would be amazing to see a video geared towards first time daters (and interviewing others) with things like whether or not irl or dating apps are better, and things like that. Just a thought. Also this video is amazing.
I know I'm a rando on the internet but one thing I can give you is this. Know thy self. Know your heart, know what you like and know what you hate. Find out what is important for you. Masturbate. If you don't know what you like you won't be able to detect terrible partners. Please use protection at all costs. No protection no sex. Especially if it's casual but also for a while in your relationship. Read about love, read about relationships,watch TH-cam videos like Shan's. Also if something feels good for you don't let anyone shame you for it. Wish you luck
I never been in a relationship but this video really showed me not all of them are charming and magical and she broke this expection I had. Thankyou. And ofc that relates to what she said about things you can read not have to experience it.
Absolutely!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 And that is why we should applaud each and every individual who has come out of trauma and beat the odds! Let’s uplift everyone who is currently in a toxic relationship and provide light for them. Lastly, let us thank those above and below who provided that light and support for us while we were down and allowed us to remember how to shine again 💎
Had this exact conversation last night. Spent three hours talking about our situation and the sides of it. Crazy how this is this week’s post! Needed this!!!!!! Thank you!!
Wow I just went through this last year for 6 months. I kept telling myself the same things you would tell yourself- that you have to work hard in a relationship. I was the only person communicating in the relationship, he cheated on me, constantly put me down and told me that things that I believed in were stupid and a waste of time when he just had his own insecurities. I cried and cried and gradually as he was starting to put me down and disrespect me more and more I was fed up. He wanted to break up to "find himself" and I turned to him and said "I can't believe how much time and energy I've wasted on you" and slammed the car door and left. So many of the thoughts and emotions you went through I totally understand.
I started crying at 10:50, it's word for word how my toxic ex talked down to me. Looking back now, it was a manipulative way to get me in his control. Thank you for the amazing content, your effort really shows.
I relate to this so much. I just got out of a toxic relationship about a month ago. I had wanted (and tried) to leave before but I kept making excuses and like you said, told myself we'd get through it and it was just a "tough time." Then things would be up and down, things would seem ok for a while, but then the cycle would just continue. When I got the courage to leave it felt very different from the time before. I had a certain confidence in what I was doing. I did not, and still have not, felt any form of sadness after leaving. I feel so much happier and like myself. Leaving a toxic relationship is NOT easy, though it seems like it should be. Once you find the strength to get out there's no going back.
I loved everything about this... I have to have a convo with my bf tonite... I've been scared to do it but all the red flags keep smackin me in the face so it's time to handle this
This video sums up exactly how I feel and what I had been going through, dealing with for the past 12 years in my marriage. I am so thankful for you and this video. My healing begins!! Thank you..
I'm sorry... I had to pause the video when you said the man spat on you... lawd have mercy... what is wrong with these men. I've had a ton of shitty relationships but if a man ever spat on me I'd either end in hospital, prison or in grave because we would have to fight. Ps this format of this video is GENIUS...GENIUS!!!!!
i do this, all the time. i’m so glad that you showed me i’m not the only one who speaks to themselves and cross analyzes themselves through trials such as this. i’m nearly 2 years divorced now and i still have sessions with myself. nobody checks in on me, nobody ever did before either so i’ve gotten in the habit of checking in on myself. it’s become so healthy, i don’t think people realize how healthy this is, to speak to themselves and do this.
I think it takes a lot of practice either speaking or writing about your experience.... At least from my experience. Because I'm also not great at expressing myself but I got better though talking more
I just talk lol my narcissistic ex hated my words. He said I was TOO DEEP, that my paragraphs bothered him. I told him to be grateful that I know how to write and speak on my emotions and make it crystal clear where WE stand 🤪
This video has helped me indescribably. I am currently exiting a toxic relationship after almost 3 years and this just reminded me that how I feel is valid. I appreciate the work that you do
I love your brand, how expressive and informative you are. You are so comfortable in your skin it feels so calm and natural to listen to you talk. Your path to blessing is SO BRIGHT! Keep up the amazing work!
This helped me soo much when i left my abusive relationship. I came back to watch this and cried cuz i feel soo much freedom from the crap i was going thru. Looking back some emotional scars still hurt and i constantly check myself and i am getting better. I am now happily married to an amazing partner who makes me the better version of myself. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR THIS CONTENT!!!! I fucking love you Shan! Your content helped my lady balls grow to leave! Much love, keep being awesome!
You mentioned rejection in this video. Would you be able to do a video on that and your experience? I have experienced that multiple times, as a female as well.
Man I so needed this. My toxic boyfriend just ended things with me and asked me to move out. I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was until it was all finally out and the open. He did the same thing with the blanket statements and just not talking about problems in the open. In the end he still thinks he’s gods great gift to the earth and I am the only person at fault for our ending relationship. Whatever. Moving on and up but this video was seriously so helpful.
I’m not going to lie I thought I’d never get over this relationship l was once in it was the hardest relationship that l had ever been in. When l say your girl went through it SHE went through it emotionally man... I don’t wish psychological abuse on NO one it’s no telling how someone can manage it through. I gave my ALL into my past relationship thinking it was going to end in marriage to find out that it was a third party. The depression was extreme idk how l made it out to be honest l give it to God as a lesson learned l will never allow my daughter to even give a person like that a second glance.. once that trust is broken KILL it ppl I don’t care how much you love them if they not making the effort give them the got damn door peridot!!
So crazy just how many similarities there are between your situation and a toxic relationship I had years ago. There was actually a moment where I knew I had to check his phone and just like you, I guessed the password and by divine intervention it was right. What I found ended up being the last straw and finally broke me free. I loved this video. Thank you!
Exactly! Relationships are hard, but there´s a healthy limit to the struggle part. That´s why compatibility is so important. We tend to ignore our inner voice for many reasons: lonelyness, the idea of a relationship, beliving in the good in people, etc. Our intuition is almost never wrong! Hopefully we´d realize it sooner, so we wouldn´t waste our time and energy on the wrong people.
That part, "There's things you have to go through to learn and things you can read about". I always go by that, I don't have to go through certain experiences to learn. Just paying attention to your surroundings, environments, books etc. can teach us a lot without the heartache or lost time. 💜👌
the mantras "You don't have patience for me" "You just don't understand me" "You just don't want to work at it" yup - F that. It is NOT supposed to be that hard. IF someone cant get along with you on the daily basis..and he/she is continuously disrespectful to you, your family and your friends for no reason... Leave
REGRET Omg I have the same feeling! I have 2 amazing kids (and for this reason I wouldn’t change anything) from my married but I so regret the 17 years we spend together...the time I waste of my youth with my ex. But when people ask yes I always say I regret that lost time. Sending love ❤️
Thank you so much for pointing out the part about how absolutely damaging "relationship advice" can be when you're in a toxic or abusive relationship. I just got out of a toxic relationship (unfortunately after buying a freaking house and moving in together), but part of why I didn't get out sooner was I would obsessively look up relationship advice and the entire internet was like "Relationships are hard work and you have to keep trying." Thank you for pointing out how that can really F you up.
Shannon opened my eyes to the importance of taking accountability. I wrote into her podcast a few years back. I dug deep, took accountability, recognized my patterns and walked away.
Honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done. 6 months later I'm still struggling to get over the relationship and forgive myself for staying for so long. Stay strong guys and girls.
OMG! What you mentioned around 10:55 - 11:22 is what my relationship with a 'friend' was like. I had to walk on eggshells around her as the slightest thing could result in an argument (these arguments happened nearly every week, usually via Whatsapp) & it got to a point where mentally it was affecting me. So because my mental health is important to me, I tried cutting off the friendship, but EVERY TIME I tried, she would call me a pussy, fake, flakey, a bitch etc because I was giving up on our friendship. Then she'd call me crying (fake crying cuz she'd be laughing) saying she's gona hurt herself which made me feel bad & so I continued being friends with her. Yesterday, I ended the friendship for good.
Usually long videos I don’t watch all of it but this video has got me so hooked and so relatable. I regret so much from my decisions, it’s inspirational to see you’re doing well and makes me feel I can get back to my healthy self too
When I say this video clicked for me in so many ways. I’m 6 months free of my toxic relationship. The hardest part was getting over the guilt of leaving, and putting myself first.
You are such a beautiful human being I can’t believe you experienced this. You seem so smart and self aware and I’m so glad you grew from your experiences.
yea she just a regular ol interviewer, but yeah I think I had it in my mind that I'd cover that part with R. Kelly doc stuff but I forgot to go back and add it!!
I was in a relationship with someone who left a three-year relationship to be with me. I had no idea and because of that I was assaulted by his ex which led me to being in the hospital, I went through a miscarriage, I lost my license, my car, my health spiraling out of control I lost my sanity. It is never ever ever easy to just leave. I’m still healing. I really needed to see this video. Thank you Shan💕
I love the clothes you wear! Your absolutely beautiful and amazing I’m so glad you got out of a relationship like that. You deserve better and so much more.
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Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? What tips would you give to someone currently in one on how to get out. Let's help each other! Comment below
Oh my God yes and it was 2 years of living hell that even 8 years after leaving it still somewhat affects how I feel about myself.
I went through pretty much the same exact things as you except I'm not sure if he ever cheated on me. There's only one or 2 times where I thought maybe he did cheat. Coming from a broken home where I was abused mentally, sexually, and emotionally, it was super easy for me to fall for someone who "loved" me when I never felt loved or wanted.
I have been in toxic relationships since childhood dealing with narcissists and ended up attracting another narcissist and stayed for 7 years, but I have grown since then and learned so much from the experience. I'm much stronger and wiser because of it. I found self love, self confidence and self worth. The level up is REAL!!!
Pay attention to the red flags and stop giving them excuses for their toxic behavior because at the end of the day, you're enabling their behavior and not letting them being accountable for their actions/behavior.
You are so creative. Genius!
She is so expressive. There is no emotion she cannot find the language to explain.
@Yisel Yero Rodriguez it's actually such a good quality. Ooh how my relationships would bloom if I were able to express myself adequately
I know and I simply adore it💜
You’re a genius Shan. This conversation with your yourself is the perfect example of what we should all do. Self analysis. Love this!!
She deadass made me feel like it was two different person. I had to keep reminding myself. edit on point
Yes, I have to spend more time in the proverbial mirror too. She is awesome
Wait they are not twins😐😐😐
Miley wairimu LOL you’re not the only one who thought that. Her editing game is FIRE.
Shac Shac p
Relationships are work, but it should not be HARD work. Consistent work. Never just hard.
Exactly
Akilah Monroe 💯💯💯💯
Akilah Monroe did you leave yet ?? Hope u did ♥️
A year later but REALLY THO.
Thick and thin, not thin and thinner !
Tips, trust the warning signs.
Trust your gut.
THIS 💯💯💯!!!
I’m an only child so I thought I was good at talking to myself.. but this is quality! 🙌🏾🙌🏾❤️❤️❤️
Lol so this is an only child thing?! I thought my daughter was going crazy😂😂😂
SupraSoulStar hahaha I think I get it from my mum but she has siblings but either I think mine is genetic and a result of my only child...ness 😂
Lmaooo me cause im an only girl
lol facts, I was an only child for most of my childhood. Had to learn to be my own best friend
@@LifeFilmzME TOO. MUCH LOVE AND RESPECT TO THE ONLY CHILD CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE. 🌹👑💐
I’m a simple man. I see a Shan video and I click.
Adore you Josh
It's so upsetting that I watch these videos and see such a strong, independent, confident and articulate woman and find out you were once treated in such a despicable way by someone. Never let anyone convince you you are less than what you are.
“His happiness made me feel mad”
I relate to this so much. I regret the relationship, but I am thankful for the experience.
me rn
I am not grateful for the experience. You’re better than me.
I'm in a toxic relationship I'm saving up to get my own place so I can leave. I've been emotionally done with him for a while and I cant wait to be single
I hope you both are able to get away clean without further harm.
Same
Rikki you deserve happiness & good health 💖
Be strong! Hopefully you have friends and family you can lean on in this situation.
Wishing you the best, Stay strong 💖
your partner is a reflection of you..they will trigger you and show you your subconscious programs that you need to overcome..whether it’s guilt, shame, feeling like your not good enough or worthy of happiness etc..you have to heal from your traumas and truly love yourself before settling down or you’ll keep getting the same results.
“I choose to stay .. I was needy .. I hated him as a person I wasn’t happy for him I didn’t want good things to happen to him but I was in love with him in a form of this addiction” wow so relatable 😖
Relationships are hard work but they shouldn't feel impossible to work with
Yeah, and the work only counts as positive as long as all involved are actively cooperating and working together, dead weights, aka. Toxic people, doesn't do work by definition.
And the only suffering that's acceptable is that caused by external factors where the people in the relationship is volounteering to share the load, such as loss of a parent to old age etc.
Shan I just left my 8 yr relationship at 26 and I just want to say thank you time and time again you have instilled a little strength in me through your words each fkn time ❤️🥑
Awww im goiin thru literally the same thing exactly , 8 years done just two weeks ago. It's super hard but for the best. It getting a little easier day by day. Stay strong beautiful! ♥
💕💕💕💕
Ladies... I feel so close to being done! 5 years in, 1 year of marriage and it's just constant arguing and days without speaking to each other. He can hold a grudge. I literally wish I could grow balls overnight! 💔😢
@@maritzaplaza2394 I’m not married but I just left a relationship of 9 years. I felt so drained I couldn’t take it no more. I’ve been losing weight going work unhappy but now it’s my time to shine ✨
“I want that time back.” I felt that! Me too, Shan.
Oof! I felt that.
You need a talk show baby girl. These words really hit and we’re valuable to me
When you said "spat on" my ears started ringing. I had to pause the video, calm down, and return at a later moment.
It's crazy because it becomes so apparent the relationship was shit once you are out but when you're in it it's like you have blinders on. The one part about you going through his computer I can really relate to. I became a snoop because I knew something wasn't right and that's likely why you did it as well. As that was never a part of my character in past relationships or even with him until I was years in and could feel that something was going on. Great video Shannon!
I was born into the middle of this kind of toxic relationship. It reverberates down through generations. If you won't leave for yourself, 💔leave for the little ones.💕 Leave before the little ones.💖
it's because generationally, one party has that mindset that it's normal. one generation needs a change
Why did it take me so long to realize she was talking to herself😭😂
You and me 😁😁
Me Too
I never did. I’m just listening. 😆
😂 I was looking for this comment to confirm she was
Same 😂😂😂
I love when Shan interviews herself!
Is it really the same person? Lol. I thought it was! Rofl. Amaaaaazing!
I actually found you through a hater named Loni Love on the real, anyway forget that...I am addicted to how open you are, I purchased your book and to me it's astonishing how our haters actually promote us as well! Thank you so much for your openness. You are so incredibly real and I love that! Thank you.
My heart was breaking the entire time while watching this because it made me realize that if I have a similar sitting with myself I'd realize how unhappy I am in my current relationship.
Get away if your unhappy.
leave! power of the p i guess and low self esteem
The fact that I thought you had a twin 🤯 #subscribe
Just dumped my toxic abusive boyfriend.
Ofc it was hard and yeah, I've been crying since then but I had to do it. For myself. And I know that someday when things will finally fall into places, I'll thank myself for what I did today.
I left mine when I realized I was participating in the abuse, by willing to receive it. If I take my self away, he loses his power. And I gain mine. I was giving him permission to abuse me.
You're all strong women. You got this. Remember that. The power is in your hands now.
I hope you’re finally in a happy place love ❤️
Do you have an update?
Through you, I have learned how much transparency can go a long way. You’ve taught me the biggest lessons in my life through your transparency
Omg that moment you're done with a toxic relationship and you know it. 😍😍😇
i love this representation of having a mental reflection/conversation with yourself! You're so creative
p.s. be careful people. toxic relationships can occur in "friendships" too
That friendship part is serious!
Absolutely!
I was with a narcissist for 3-4 years, I didn't learn about what narcissistic personaility disorders are until towards the end of our last breakup. 😏 When you come out the other side it, it is crazy to think of the things you went through. I found a channel that was so informative on npd and I was shocked, at the time, to find that it really is a thing (because everything said lined up with my experience) and about just how common it is. I think the biggest misconception about being with an abusive person, is when people say bullshit like "you chose to stay". People don't understand that emotional and mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Obviously what person in their right mind would stay with an abuser, right? When somebody has abused and isolated you so you feel like you have no one and are alone, broken you down and over time has formed that trauma bond, it is not easy to just "walk away".
I'd say that in some ways, psychological abuse is worse, because it trains and forces the person targeted to participate in abusing themselves in the hope of appeasement and leniency and internalise a sense of spiritual debt, an original sin owed to the perpetrator.
Absolutely. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years and he made me start doubting myself and manipulated me to think there was something wrong with me, not him. Although I am slowly healing I still have days where I have low confidence in myself because of how he always made me feel inferior.
Absolutely!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 And that is why we should applaud each and every individual who has come out of trauma and beat the odds! Let’s uplift everyone who is currently in a toxic relationship and provide light for them. Lastly, let us thank those above and below who provided that light and support for us while we were down and allowed us to remember how to shine again 💎
Any tips for trying to help a friend get out of a relationship like this? I've gotten her to seriously think about leaving him..
A narcissist I dated told me on our first date he was a psychopath... I thought the man was joking... 2 months later the penny dropped 😯
omg im gonna cry, i needed this. I can hear the pain in your voice when you speak because i am currently going through the same thing trying to find the strength to leave.
Davina Collins girl me too and it’s crazy how we feel so alone .
@@cristalgonzales7288 yes !people can tell us to leave but it's harder than they think.
When I tell someone “We’re not compatible” they always made me feel stupid like “what do you mean???”
I think it’s pretty self explanatory
“People are subconsciously manipulative” Shallon Lester.
Yes and also a lot of people think that a person is being aggressive or rude by being direct.
Ugh my ex and I have been “breaking up” for several months. If that doesn’t say toxic idk what does. I’m just starting this video but hopefully this is what I need to finally let go of a man that has been less than deserving of my love and forgiveness. I love him but I know he’s gotta go after all these years
You got this.
I've been through the same thing the multiple ups and downs. I've grown so tired. I broke up with him yesterday. Choosing myself this time.
I can relate! I finally left and it’s only been a month but this has been the longest I’ve gone without any communication and honestly it’s so much healthier for your mental health. The constant back and forths can’t be good for the mind and body
Cut him off and never look back
good for you!! you deserve better and to move on. all the best.
"I couldnt rely on him for the truth" that hit me different
The part where you said you couldn’t feel happy for him because you didn’t like him ....very relatable. I always felt guilty about that.
How I wish I would've seen this kind of video 8 years ago. After 3 years of being in a toxic relationship and letting myself go so bad to the point of having suicidal thoughts I thank god I had enough courage to walk away. Unfortunately, I still get to see him because of our children but it feels good to say I have established boundaries and have learned to heal myself. Thank you for sharing your story Shan! You might be helping someone going through the same experience. 💕🙏🏽
brncvl how did it have your children reacted to your separation? And as a mom how are you dealing with explaining your children that you had to leave their father ??
First off I want to say that I absolutely love everything about this video Shan!
You mentioned the mean comments or “bombs” that he would drop on you. That kinda sounds like mental or emotional abuse and it is nice to hear how you overcame and go out of that relationship
Gaslighting...
I had an ex keep in communication with their most recent ex. My intuition said that something was odd, so did the whole snooping and found hundreds of naked pictures. When confronted, they stopped speaking to me AND just went back to their ex. No remorse or accountability. It was INSANE! I felt insecure the whole time relationship, like I could never do or be enough. Looking back I saw the signs and no matter how strong a connection/potential I should have left!
I really appreciated the part where you called out the bullshit cliché that states relationships are supposed to be work. Since I first heard that saying, I didn't understand it. Glad I'm not the only one to acknowledge how that quote has the potential to perpetuate abusive behaviour.
Lisa Ward I agree! Though I think usually when people say that they’re talking about how you have to learn to communicate effectively with your partner and make healthy compromises, things like that. The saying becomes a problem when people start using it to brush off selfish/dishonest behavior in order to save an unhealthy relationship
Exactly!!! I never understood that statement, along with 'Love Hurts.' No it does NOT.
This sounds a lot like a past relationship of mine. It just got to a point where my soul was shattered into a million pieces and if I didn't leave I was going to end up committing suicide. I didn't have a lot of resources to walk away on my own, I had to have help to get the hell out, and it was the best thing I did for myself. When I was young I thought abuse was physical, and now I know that it can be emotional as well. Probably the best thing to come out of it is learning that I deserve to be treated a lot better than that.
watching this hurt, it felt like i was listening to my own story...this video truly is so fucking important and I know a lot of people needed to hear this, i needed to hear this...I’m thankful I was able to remove myself from my past toxic relationships and thrive in my new one..
Therapist Shan is brilliant with her listening/facial expressions.. I'm very glad im past this phase in my life.. self care is absolutely paramount no matter what you feel for other person. People treat you how you let them. Set the standard from early and be prepared to walk away when they violate your values.
I already love this video. And I’ve only seen 30 seconds
Yay welcome
Shan BOODY Love you work Shan. I so appreciate the meaningful content you put out. Stay up!
I am a big fan of talking to yourself and no I don't feel crazy at all. It's totally healthy!
A few months ago I ended a toxic relationship, my second one might I add. And after a while I realized I ignored the warning signs before it started. This video is a great truthful representation of how these relationships are. Thank you for being so beautifully honest
This was very transparent. Bottom line, you departed the toxic relationship. Learning experience of what to do and/or not to do. Continue to expound your self worth and the pursuit of happiness. Happy healing Shan.
I am so proud of your honesty, bravery and real life experience. This hurts but I am overjoyed knowing you are out and have learned more about yourself and the love and respect you deserve. Leaving toxic relationships are not easy but to leave is freedom of your mind, body and spirit. Girl, thank you. I hear and see you. ♥️
I became very emotional while watching this because I have been there and in the moment you really think you are on an island alone
Whenever I broke up with my abusive boyfriend he would tell me the same thing “you don’t know how relationships work you have to work harder “ you can’t just give up. Now I know it didn’t have to be that hard and he was just making me feel guilty for not wanting to put up with his bs. Thank you so much for this video 🙏
I told my ex that, even tho he was the abuser!
I love this woman she’s so open about her life I love and respect people like this ❤️
“I want my time back” YUP. Glad I made it out of that. 1yr and still feel at peace for leaving that toxic shit
YESSSSSSSSSS!! Been waiting for you to have another conversation with yourself! Wooop! I’m hopping in the shower and I’ll be RIGHT back!
I miss the “talking to yourself” videos! I know this is hard work to do and you do it very well. Thank you for this Shan.
This video was perfect and came at the right time. I just got out of a toxic relationship a couple days ago. The red flags were there, we kept breaking up and getting back together. I honestly felt I was losing myself to accommodate him. He broke up with me and it was like a sigh of relief and I knew I was not going to get back with him after that. He called the same day talking about can I bring you food. I said no and that I don't want to be his friend, I didn't want to talk to him anymore.
Thankfully it lasted only five months.
Shannon, I just turned 18 and I really want to experience dating (the bad and the good). It would be amazing to see a video geared towards first time daters (and interviewing others) with things like whether or not irl or dating apps are better, and things like that. Just a thought.
Also this video is amazing.
Yes!
I know I'm a rando on the internet but one thing I can give you is this. Know thy self. Know your heart, know what you like and know what you hate. Find out what is important for you. Masturbate. If you don't know what you like you won't be able to detect terrible partners. Please use protection at all costs. No protection no sex. Especially if it's casual but also for a while in your relationship. Read about love, read about relationships,watch TH-cam videos like Shan's. Also if something feels good for you don't let anyone shame you for it. Wish you luck
How come I always feel like your telling my story?? Get out my diary Shannon
Ahh Gracie bc it’s a formula. These fools can’t even be original
Gracie Conda FR i was like ummmm okay call me out
So true
I never been in a relationship but this video really showed me not all of them are charming and magical and she broke this expection I had. Thankyou. And ofc that relates to what she said about things you can read not have to experience it.
Absolutely!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 And that is why we should applaud each and every individual who has come out of trauma and beat the odds! Let’s uplift everyone who is currently in a toxic relationship and provide light for them. Lastly, let us thank those above and below who provided that light and support for us while we were down and allowed us to remember how to shine again 💎
chills. This video gave me chills
ps the cinematography of this video is so next level
Had this exact conversation last night. Spent three hours talking about our situation and the sides of it. Crazy how this is this week’s post! Needed this!!!!!! Thank you!!
Wow I just went through this last year for 6 months. I kept telling myself the same things you would tell yourself- that you have to work hard in a relationship. I was the only person communicating in the relationship, he cheated on me, constantly put me down and told me that things that I believed in were stupid and a waste of time when he just had his own insecurities. I cried and cried and gradually as he was starting to put me down and disrespect me more and more I was fed up. He wanted to break up to "find himself" and I turned to him and said "I can't believe how much time and energy I've wasted on you" and slammed the car door and left. So many of the thoughts and emotions you went through I totally understand.
I started crying at 10:50, it's word for word how my toxic ex talked down to me. Looking back now, it was a manipulative way to get me in his control. Thank you for the amazing content, your effort really shows.
Thank You for making this video. It validates my decision in ending a toxic relationship. Stuff like this will saved other peoples lives.
Josie J omg you can say that again, me three
I relate to this so much. I just got out of a toxic relationship about a month ago. I had wanted (and tried) to leave before but I kept making excuses and like you said, told myself we'd get through it and it was just a "tough time." Then things would be up and down, things would seem ok for a while, but then the cycle would just continue. When I got the courage to leave it felt very different from the time before. I had a certain confidence in what I was doing. I did not, and still have not, felt any form of sadness after leaving. I feel so much happier and like myself. Leaving a toxic relationship is NOT easy, though it seems like it should be. Once you find the strength to get out there's no going back.
I loved everything about this... I have to have a convo with my bf tonite... I've been scared to do it but all the red flags keep smackin me in the face so it's time to handle this
This video sums up exactly how I feel and what I had been going through, dealing with for the past 12 years in my marriage. I am so thankful for you and this video. My healing begins!! Thank you..
Girl I’ve been in a 30 year toxic marriage! Thanks to Loni’s crazy comments on the Real, I started checking you out..LOL THANKS LONI 💝
Sounds like Narcissistic abuse to me ... boy have I been through that sick ass cycle. Glad it over I regret the whole thing.
I was thinking that he is a narcissist too. Is she talking about her husband?
@@miss__monique she used to be married? wow i didn't know. does she mention it in any videos?
@@takemypainaway9517 i think she's married now.
I think shes talking about an ex
I'm sorry... I had to pause the video when you said the man spat on you... lawd have mercy... what is wrong with these men. I've had a ton of shitty relationships but if a man ever spat on me I'd either end in hospital, prison or in grave because we would have to fight.
Ps this format of this video is GENIUS...GENIUS!!!!!
i do this, all the time. i’m so glad that you showed me i’m not the only one who speaks to themselves and cross analyzes themselves through trials such as this.
i’m nearly 2 years divorced now and i still have sessions with myself. nobody checks in on me, nobody ever did before either so i’ve gotten in the habit of checking in on myself. it’s become so healthy, i don’t think people realize how healthy this is, to speak to themselves and do this.
She’s never lost for words when it comes to expression- how do I achieve this ???
I think it takes a lot of practice either speaking or writing about your experience.... At least from my experience. Because I'm also not great at expressing myself but I got better though talking more
I just talk lol my narcissistic ex hated my words. He said I was TOO DEEP, that my paragraphs bothered him.
I told him to be grateful that I know how to write and speak on my emotions and make it crystal clear where WE stand 🤪
This video has helped me indescribably. I am currently exiting a toxic relationship after almost 3 years and this just reminded me that how I feel is valid. I appreciate the work that you do
I love your brand, how expressive and informative you are. You are so comfortable in your skin it feels so calm and natural to listen to you talk. Your path to blessing is SO BRIGHT! Keep up the amazing work!
This helped me soo much when i left my abusive relationship. I came back to watch this and cried cuz i feel soo much freedom from the crap i was going thru. Looking back some emotional scars still hurt and i constantly check myself and i am getting better. I am now happily married to an amazing partner who makes me the better version of myself. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR THIS CONTENT!!!! I fucking love you Shan! Your content helped my lady balls grow to leave! Much love, keep being awesome!
You mentioned rejection in this video. Would you be able to do a video on that and your experience? I have experienced that multiple times, as a female as well.
Man I so needed this. My toxic boyfriend just ended things with me and asked me to move out. I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was until it was all finally out and the open. He did the same thing with the blanket statements and just not talking about problems in the open. In the end he still thinks he’s gods great gift to the earth and I am the only person at fault for our ending relationship. Whatever. Moving on and up but this video was seriously so helpful.
I’m not going to lie I thought I’d never get over this relationship l was once in it was the hardest relationship that l had ever been in. When l say your girl went through it SHE went through it emotionally man... I don’t wish psychological abuse on NO one it’s no telling how someone can manage it through. I gave my ALL into my past relationship thinking it was going to end in marriage to find out that it was a third party. The depression was extreme idk how l made it out to be honest l give it to God as a lesson learned l will never allow my daughter to even give a person like that a second glance.. once that trust is broken KILL it ppl I don’t care how much you love them if they not making the effort give them the got damn door peridot!!
Your story speaks to me so deeply. Thank God I was directed to this video today. Thanks boo
First time viewer here.
Definitely sat here thinking you were talking to your twin sister.
This is a dope video.
Nicole Chernov 😂😂mee
So crazy just how many similarities there are between your situation and a toxic relationship I had years ago. There was actually a moment where I knew I had to check his phone and just like you, I guessed the password and by divine intervention it was right. What I found ended up being the last straw and finally broke me free. I loved this video. Thank you!
I feel like you lived my current life but I have a kid by this guy
Exactly! Relationships are hard, but there´s a healthy limit to the struggle part. That´s why compatibility is so important.
We tend to ignore our inner voice for many reasons: lonelyness, the idea of a relationship, beliving in the good in people, etc. Our intuition is almost never wrong!
Hopefully we´d realize it sooner, so we wouldn´t waste our time and energy on the wrong people.
You deal with toxic relationships same way u treat an addiction
That part, "There's things you have to go through to learn and things you can read about". I always go by that, I don't have to go through certain experiences to learn. Just paying attention to your surroundings, environments, books etc. can teach us a lot without the heartache or lost time. 💜👌
the mantras "You don't have patience for me" "You just don't understand me" "You just don't want to work at it"
yup - F that. It is NOT supposed to be that hard. IF someone cant get along with you on the daily basis..and he/she is continuously disrespectful to you, your family and your friends for no reason... Leave
REGRET Omg I have the same feeling! I have 2 amazing kids (and for this reason I wouldn’t change anything) from my married but I so regret the 17 years we spend together...the time I waste of my youth with my ex. But when people ask yes I always say I regret that lost time. Sending love ❤️
What angers me the most is to know that someone would spit on you.
1- Hummmm. You look amazing
2- No one deserves to be treated that badly
Thank you so much for pointing out the part about how absolutely damaging "relationship advice" can be when you're in a toxic or abusive relationship. I just got out of a toxic relationship (unfortunately after buying a freaking house and moving in together), but part of why I didn't get out sooner was I would obsessively look up relationship advice and the entire internet was like "Relationships are hard work and you have to keep trying." Thank you for pointing out how that can really F you up.
Shannon opened my eyes to the importance of taking accountability. I wrote into her podcast a few years back. I dug deep, took accountability, recognized my patterns and walked away.
Honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done. 6 months later I'm still struggling to get over the relationship and forgive myself for staying for so long. Stay strong guys and girls.
OMG! What you mentioned around 10:55 - 11:22 is what my relationship with a 'friend' was like. I had to walk on eggshells around her as the slightest thing could result in an argument (these arguments happened nearly every week, usually via Whatsapp) & it got to a point where mentally it was affecting me. So because my mental health is important to me, I tried cutting off the friendship, but EVERY TIME I tried, she would call me a pussy, fake, flakey, a bitch etc because I was giving up on our friendship. Then she'd call me crying (fake crying cuz she'd be laughing) saying she's gona hurt herself which made me feel bad & so I continued being friends with her. Yesterday, I ended the friendship for good.
Usually long videos I don’t watch all of it but this video has got me so hooked and so relatable. I regret so much from my decisions, it’s inspirational to see you’re doing well and makes me feel I can get back to my healthy self too
I pause the video and get my self some food to watch this cause its gonna be good
When I say this video clicked for me in so many ways. I’m 6 months free of my toxic relationship. The hardest part was getting over the guilt of leaving, and putting myself first.
Shan you're the GOAT at this editing thing Sis. Throughly enjoyed watching!
You are such a beautiful human being I can’t believe you experienced this. You seem so smart and self aware and I’m so glad you grew from your experiences.
I love this vid. One thing though, Therapist Shan was talking but there was no sound. I'm still gonna watch this twice .
yea she just a regular ol interviewer, but yeah I think I had it in my mind that I'd cover that part with R. Kelly doc stuff but I forgot to go back and add it!!
I was in a relationship with someone who left a three-year relationship to be with me. I had no idea and because of that I was assaulted by his ex which led me to being in the hospital, I went through a miscarriage, I lost my license, my car, my health spiraling out of control I lost my sanity. It is never ever ever easy to just leave. I’m still healing. I really needed to see this video. Thank you Shan💕
Thank God that your new relationship washes over this crazy time in your life ✨
"desperate to fill a void which that person can never fill" whew I felt that
I love the clothes you wear! Your absolutely beautiful and amazing I’m so glad you got out of a relationship like that. You deserve better and so much more.