I used to call it “emotionally constipated”! I and my daughter would tell my husband that he’s like a gum ball machine. We can see all the good, colorful candy inside. We put our coins in the slot, turn the lever, expecting the treasure to drop out & nothing comes out! We keep putting in coins with the same disappointing result. We can still see the delightful colors & envision the joy of receiving, to no avail. Eventually, we stopped putting our “coins” into “the machine”. The investment became too high of a price! WOW! The Intimacy Anorexic “wants to be married because they want to look normal”! “They want to protect the image”25 years of counseling & you’ve never seen ONE seek divorce! How is this not narcissism?
It is Narcissim. Everyone thinks my husband is so nice and giving, but he has neglected me for years. Would never sleep in the bed with me, never compliment me, do things with me that I like, but he would cheat or flirt with other women behind my back. He gaslight and tries to make me look like the bad guy. I thought now that we're getting older that we were starting a new then found again he was telling other women on social media how beautiful they are while he never says anything to me. And he will NEVER discuss it or admit he did anything wrong.
I was treated this way from my now ex……we were married over 30 years. I would express my feelings and he would deny anything I would share with him. I would try to set up time together, go see a movie, etc. He became very mean like he was trying to make me walk out on our marriage but I didn’t, so he needed up leaving. Now, I feel relief because Jesus loves me and He is all what I need! 🙌
The life those of us "live" while being married to these people are destructive and heartbreaking. How many nights have I cried myself to sleep in my own bed and room. Married this fake person twenty years ago. He acted all sweet and classy until married. Then all he did was show anger and had me walking on eggshells. There was Never any intimacy once married. He avoids being around me but if ever together in public, he will act like he's a normal husband. He wears a wedding ring to look good at work. Little would his work partners ever think this guy doesn't go near his wife. These people make your life a living hell. I think it is so wrong to put this into a situation about God helping. The answer is get Out! Save yourself. God may have sent us here to gain perspective on these nuts, and for us to realize there is more to life. I actually think all the time, "Am I going to go to my deathbed living with this unloving room mate?" It it too hard to go to counseling with these people. I did and he acted like the perfect husband while I wanted to cry. It is abusive. Forget trying to fix them and waste another twenty years! I am now 63 and I have had it. I will ask God to help me when I'm single, but to push people to stay in a marriage with these psycho's is just wrong. You lose yourself, your well being, your greatness, your deep feelings get tossed aside and the love you have is wasted away. No, I say we should all just get going and away from them. They will not change. They need us to feed off of. Help yourself, not them.
By popular demand Dr. Doug Weiss is going to be taping a new DVD “When You Marry a Child, Don’t Expect a Man (right away).” This DVD is to intelligently address what so many women regularly tell us as a team at Heart to Heart about feeling like they are raising another child with their SA/IA husband. Addictions rob men of spiritual, emotional, moral and sexual development. Dr. Weiss will be addressing the maturing process. Also he would like to address some of the questions you might have about this topic on this DVD. Send your questions or thoughts pertaining to this subject to heart2heart@xc.org
This is so crazy because it sounds very much like my spouses ADHD. I was unaware of it & started researching into his childhood and family. Many similarities if the anorexia. No Xmas gift, forgotten birthdays. When left unmanaged & unmedicated it's just the same. Except for the fact that it's not his fault his brain was born this way. It's was sad & confusing for all of us
I grew up on intimacy anorexia. I constantly got shut out and couldn't be right. Out of the blue, I could just be blamed for what I have no clue I did. That may have contributed to making me unable to be vulnerable and in turn I can't handle an overly emotionally available person yet can't tolerate an emotionally unavailable person.
Helen, it sounds to me like you are not the problem. This free resource might help you understand what's been going on & where to seek help: www.boisenarcabusesupport.com/wnaad.pdf
This is so our marriage.....to the T We. have 46 years married coming right up in Nov. and my bday in Dec. I dread. my. Special days !!! This is for me. Mu husband never celebrates me on our anniversary or. bday....hes. actually. not good. to me onm y special days.....Pls. pray. for. us !!!!!!!!!
So sorry Kathy about your all-too-familiar predicament. Hearing for the first time that you are not to blame for all the drama is helpful but much more support is needed. I recommend this site: unholycharade.com/ - MF
Wow I've always thru my marriage known that God was not in it but Dr Weiss he seems to be in our marriage cos he knows me AND my intimacy anorexic pastor husband. Wow ! I've been heard after 38 yrs !
Rachael Ireland me too. I want to know how to get the anger and resentment because of living in a sexless marriage! My husband is finally taking testosterone and now he says how much he loved me after 15 years of pain. I really don’t feel like running into his arms and making love.
Odd that my wife's avoidant issues did not occur until we adopted 4 kids. So close for the 1st 4-5 years and then slowly disengaged to the point where there is no intimacy for the last 10 years. Hard to realize this after investing 23 years in this relationship.
In the middle he asked if the Intimacy anorexic ever threatens divorce, and Doug said no… just wanted to add in case anyone else is in this… My husband, the Intimacy anorexic, threatened divorce 3x last year. He doesn’t want it at ALL. He just used that to hurt me because he knows how committed I am.
im always trying to learn how to be better individually and better ad a wife and i have prayed and went to counseling and NOTHING has ever worked. I dont know how these videos are speaking so hopefully as if there is hope., maybe hope and help is for some people and not others.
Pamala James, I am so sorry for your pain and experiences in counseling. Not all therapists are trained the same. If you reach out to Heart 2 Heart we have many therapists that see miracles in their office every day. Hope and help is for you, God wants every one of His children to find health and healing.
Jim Tanner wow! thank you for caring....and cari g enuf to respond! Since God still has me living and breathing i will look into heart 2 heart., how do i reach out to this source?
Being the anorexic, I cannot tell you enough how miserable, painful, depressing, hopeless, and draining it is on that side too. And lonely, God it's lonely. That's the only part of how the anorexic is described that doesn't fit me. I feel every bit as awful as the spouse role they describe does. I don't even want to get up in the morning. I call myself "The mule". I go to work, make money, feed my kids and wife and put a roof over their heads and that's about the sum of the worth of my life. Then I go hide in my room and set up that distance he talks about. But it is NOT comfortable. It is NOT what I want. I dreamed all my young life of marrying someone and being in love, and I can say I received some love. But it's equally soul crushing to not be able to love and not know why. I want to love, to get excited to be with my spouse and kids, but all I feel is dead inside.
I truly believe that as Anorexia we are responsible for healing in this. I truly believe I am one because someone did this to me and this is all I know. This is why now as I’m single and saved I’m allowing and taking responsibility b/c I don’t want anyone to feel this way or for me too. I truly believe this is has encouraged me to keep on this path of faith. Thank you for your transparent comment
This is so amazing . For years I’ve lived this life of loneliness and rejection always being told that it’s my fault . I’m always trying to do enough to ”earn “ her love . Whatever I do it’s not enough. I yearn so much to have someone with whom I can be transparent , open and loved. I just don’t know if I can go on . My wife watches the bachelor on tv and reads romance novels and I feel so cheated. She’d rather watch other people be in love and be intimate than be intimate with me . It’s like emotional pornography. I’ve got a Room mate fhat doesn’t pay her half of the bills . I can hire a maid I can hire a cook , I can’t hire someone to love me .....
Thanks for speaking out. Your story may help to even up the false "score" that let's many female abusers off the hook. Be sure to watch this video: th-cam.com/video/k8XYWfisRec/w-d-xo.html and this one which is especially important for male victims to see: th-cam.com/video/b6MxtLuu-cI/w-d-xo.html - MF
Just reading your experience here has helped me(I’m the anorexic spouse) but don’t give up on your wife. As in my case, she too may have come into the marriage damaged from something that happened in her childhood that she hasn’t faced herself yet. I’m like your wife in that I watch the Hallmark movies about couples living happily ever after but I haven’t done the therapy to get well so we can have a loving marriage. But we just ordered dr Weiss book on intimacy anorexia and we’re going to make it a family project to save our 43 yr marriage. Some of us “ sick” , “ damaged” little girls want to get help😔.
I’ve been told it’s my fault , it’s complicated, I know I’ve suppressed trauma I experienced, and every time I feel threatened,I close off , didn’t even know it was happening, learning about displacement and disassociate
Oftentimes, we can see the problems in other peoples or couples ... it may help her to see how you feel - if she is able to see the behavior in a non-direct non-threatening way. You may find her say “Is this how you are feeling?, I never knew”
My husband is an emotional anorexic.... and a sex addict ie. Porn.... He's getting help now for 4 months... I'm now acting like the emotional anorexic ...I need too be safe right now..... I'm so confused!!!!
It’s probably betrayal trauma. Check out Dr Sheri Keffer’s book, “Intimate Deception.” It’s a real problem with wives whose husbands are acting out sexually.
You just opened my eyes doc. Attachment disorder with a cross gender parent + my parents fought constantly and always slept apart. My mother was a screamer, could develop no relationship with any of her children or husband, and her relationship with her oldest child and a boy at that was the worst of all. Basically, I had no mother... We're at 33+ years of this hell so we are surviving better than average... "Every 5 years..." comment - yes this is the response I get with my wife. Maybe were both bonkers... I am actually terrified to bring up the topic of sex with my wife. In fact, I am terrified of sex even though I really want it I think... You talk alot about church and pastors; what church are you talking about and do pastors get involved in people's marriages?... Great program! I am just beginning this journey of figuring out what is wrong with us and your talk really helps.
Hey Peace Brother, don't rule out the possibility of your mother (and/or your wife) being on the Autistic Spectrum. This video comes mainly from the angle of a man having this problem but as a guy watching this it's possible to mentally switch the pronouns he uses and maybe learn something valuable: Neurodiversity University: The Truth for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder - th-cam.com/video/E77ec1GYu0A/w-d-xo.html - MF
Yes Brenda, I totally get what you are saying. And this lady actually has another word for what that behavior probably feels like - It's An Affair! th-cam.com/video/Pq84_n7AhhA/w-d-xo.html
Lisa Car you may have misunderstood my comment. The emotional part is so important, and my husband and I don’t connect at all.... in any way, really. It’s heart breaking. I’m sorry about what you’re going through. It’s all very painful.
Wow dr Weiss! You are describing my marriage!
Nice to have someone who knows how I feel. I feel so alone...
Mr Kevin B. I know how you feel. I feel destroyed.
Mr Kevin B. I know too....
Yep!
VanessaSimon26 me too
Me too. I didn’t know it had a name. I’m 70 and had all these years been going through this.
This is the first time am been heard from someone in 19year marriage
I used to call it “emotionally constipated”! I and my daughter would tell my husband that he’s like a gum ball machine. We can see all the good, colorful candy inside. We put our coins in the slot, turn the lever, expecting the treasure to drop out & nothing comes out! We keep putting in coins with the same disappointing result. We can still see the delightful colors & envision the joy of receiving, to no avail. Eventually, we stopped putting our “coins” into “the machine”. The investment became too high of a price!
WOW! The Intimacy Anorexic “wants to be married because they want to look normal”! “They want to protect the image”25 years of counseling & you’ve never seen ONE seek divorce! How is this not narcissism?
It is Narcissim. Everyone thinks my husband is so nice and giving, but he has neglected me for years. Would never sleep in the bed with me, never compliment me, do things with me that I like, but he would cheat or flirt with other women behind my back. He gaslight and tries to make me look like the bad guy. I thought now that we're getting older that we were starting a new then found again he was telling other women on social media how beautiful they are while he never says anything to me. And he will NEVER discuss it or admit he did anything wrong.
I was treated this way from my now ex……we were married over 30 years. I would express my feelings and he would deny anything I would share with him. I would try to set up time together, go see a movie, etc.
He became very mean like he was trying to make me walk out on our marriage but I didn’t, so he needed up leaving.
Now, I feel relief because Jesus loves me and He is all what I need! 🙌
Unloved,Untouched and Unheard powerful.
The life those of us "live" while being married to these people are destructive and heartbreaking. How many nights have I cried myself to sleep in my own bed and room. Married this fake person twenty years ago. He acted all sweet and classy until married. Then all he did was show anger and had me walking on eggshells. There was Never any intimacy once married. He avoids being around me but if ever together in public, he will act like he's a normal husband. He wears a wedding ring to look good at work. Little would his work partners ever think this guy doesn't go near his wife. These people make your life a living hell. I think it is so wrong to put this into a situation about God helping. The answer is get Out! Save yourself. God may have sent us here to gain perspective on these nuts, and for us to realize there is more to life. I actually think all the time, "Am I going to go to my deathbed living with this unloving room mate?" It it too hard to go to counseling with these people. I did and he acted like the perfect husband while I wanted to cry. It is abusive. Forget trying to fix them and waste another twenty years! I am now 63 and I have had it. I will ask God to help me when I'm single, but to push people to stay in a marriage with these psycho's is just wrong. You lose yourself, your well being, your greatness, your deep feelings get tossed aside and the love you have is wasted away. No, I say we should all just get going and away from them. They will not change. They need us to feed off of. Help yourself, not them.
Hollow parasitic chameleons!
This is my so-called marriage. Everyone is more important than me, and his mother is adding to the torment. To me, they are sick people.
dalilanc52 same here am going through same thinking of divorce
SAMEEE here EXACTLYY. Sounds like we all have most definitely built up some resentment.
By popular demand Dr. Doug Weiss is going to be taping a new DVD “When You Marry a Child, Don’t Expect a Man (right away).” This DVD is to intelligently address what so many women regularly tell us as a team at Heart to Heart about feeling like they are raising another child with their SA/IA husband.
Addictions rob men of spiritual, emotional, moral and sexual development. Dr. Weiss will be addressing the maturing process. Also he would like to address some of the questions you might have about this topic on this DVD. Send your questions or thoughts pertaining to this subject to heart2heart@xc.org
I’m bawling. Sitting here bawling. Not 100% but about 85
I cried as I watched this😢
This is so crazy because it sounds very much like my spouses ADHD. I was unaware of it & started researching into his childhood and family. Many similarities if the anorexia. No Xmas gift, forgotten birthdays. When left unmanaged & unmedicated it's just the same. Except for the fact that it's not his fault his brain was born this way. It's was sad & confusing for all of us
I grew up on intimacy anorexia. I constantly got shut out and couldn't be right. Out of the blue, I could just be blamed for what I have no clue I did. That may have contributed to making me unable to be vulnerable and in turn I can't handle an overly emotionally available person yet can't tolerate an emotionally unavailable person.
Helen, it sounds to me like you are not the problem. This free resource might help you understand what's been going on & where to seek help: www.boisenarcabusesupport.com/wnaad.pdf
Quite some lessons and so much help i got here am so glad i tuned in and even found this topic and channel. Thank you so much💞
This is so our marriage.....to the T
We. have 46 years married coming right up in Nov. and my bday in Dec.
I dread. my. Special days !!!
This is for me.
Mu husband never celebrates me on our anniversary or. bday....hes. actually. not good. to me onm y special days.....Pls. pray. for. us !!!!!!!!!
Pls. pray for us!!
This is me.....first. time ive felt. heard
Bob and Audrey.....this is me un my marriage....46 yrs. of this.
PLS AUDREY PRAY FOR. US !!!!!!!
So sorry Kathy about your all-too-familiar predicament. Hearing for the first time that you are not to blame for all the drama is helpful but much more support is needed. I recommend this site: unholycharade.com/ - MF
Wow I've always thru my marriage known that God was not in it but Dr Weiss he seems to be in our marriage cos he knows me AND my intimacy anorexic pastor husband. Wow ! I've been heard after 38 yrs !
I wish we could go to Dr. Weiss
Rachael Ireland me too. I want to know how to get the anger and resentment because of living in a sexless marriage! My husband is finally taking testosterone and now he says how much he loved me after 15 years of pain. I really don’t feel like running into his arms and making love.
Odd that my wife's avoidant issues did not occur until we adopted 4 kids. So close for the 1st 4-5 years and then slowly disengaged to the point where there is no intimacy for the last 10 years. Hard to realize this after investing 23 years in this relationship.
Totally makes sense!
"And they only do it when they're in trouble" I call BS. The person I have in mind doesn't do it period.
純粋 Mine either...
Yes!
Dogs, don't reject you. Dogs don't judge. Dogs don't watch porn, play xbox and eat until they can't perform.
The problem is - the people who are withholding won't pursue or accept the help. Certainly won't accept this message.
This is my relationship! Was different in the beginning....sister is very close to him and broke us up twice...she controls him 🥺
In the middle he asked if the Intimacy anorexic ever threatens divorce, and Doug said no… just wanted to add in case anyone else is in this… My husband, the Intimacy anorexic, threatened divorce 3x last year. He doesn’t want it at ALL. He just used that to hurt me because he knows how committed I am.
im always trying to learn how to be better individually and better ad a wife and i have prayed and went to counseling and NOTHING has ever worked. I dont know how these videos are speaking so hopefully as if there is hope., maybe hope and help is for some people and not others.
Pamala James, I am so sorry for your pain and experiences in counseling. Not all therapists are trained the same. If you reach out to Heart 2 Heart we have many therapists that see miracles in their office every day. Hope and help is for you, God wants every one of His children to find health and healing.
Jim Tanner wow! thank you for caring....and cari g enuf to respond! Since God still has me living and breathing i will look into heart 2 heart., how do i reach out to this source?
You can find contact info at www.drdougweiss.com or visit my website www.TNRCcounseling.org. I am a therapist that works at Heart 2 Heart.
Pamala James listening to false teacher Joyce Meyer wont help.
@@BIGLOVE4TRUTH ... while I absolutely agree that Joyce Meyer is a false teacher, what make you think Pamala listens to her? Just curious.
How to get in a support group
Being the anorexic, I cannot tell you enough how miserable, painful, depressing, hopeless, and draining it is on that side too. And lonely, God it's lonely. That's the only part of how the anorexic is described that doesn't fit me. I feel every bit as awful as the spouse role they describe does. I don't even want to get up in the morning. I call myself "The mule". I go to work, make money, feed my kids and wife and put a roof over their heads and that's about the sum of the worth of my life. Then I go hide in my room and set up that distance he talks about. But it is NOT comfortable. It is NOT what I want. I dreamed all my young life of marrying someone and being in love, and I can say I received some love. But it's equally soul crushing to not be able to love and not know why. I want to love, to get excited to be with my spouse and kids, but all I feel is dead inside.
I truly believe that as Anorexia we are responsible for healing in this. I truly believe I am one because someone did this to me and this is all I know. This is why now as I’m single and saved I’m allowing and taking responsibility b/c I don’t want anyone to feel this way or for me too. I truly believe this is has encouraged me to keep on this path of faith. Thank you for your transparent comment
But, are you uncomfortable each to reach out for help. If you’re not, than you’re spitting into the wind. Put some action behind it.
Yes, me too. I feel your pain.
Look up Asperger’s syndrome you might be on the spectrum which means that you need behavioral therapy
This is so amazing . For years I’ve lived this life of loneliness and rejection always being told that it’s my fault . I’m always trying to do enough to ”earn “ her love . Whatever I do it’s not enough. I yearn so much to have someone with whom I can be transparent , open and loved.
I just don’t know if I can go on .
My wife watches the bachelor on tv and reads romance novels and I feel so cheated. She’d rather watch other people be in love and be intimate than be intimate with me . It’s like emotional pornography.
I’ve got a Room mate fhat doesn’t pay her half of the bills .
I can hire a maid I can hire a cook , I can’t hire someone to love me .....
Thanks for speaking out. Your story may help to even up the false "score" that let's many female abusers off the hook. Be sure to watch this video: th-cam.com/video/k8XYWfisRec/w-d-xo.html and this one which is especially important for male victims to see: th-cam.com/video/b6MxtLuu-cI/w-d-xo.html - MF
Just reading your experience here has helped me(I’m the anorexic spouse) but don’t give up on your wife.
As in my case, she too may have come into the marriage damaged from something that happened in her childhood that she hasn’t faced herself yet.
I’m like your wife in that I watch the Hallmark movies about couples living happily ever after but I haven’t done the therapy to get well so we can have a loving marriage.
But we just ordered dr Weiss book on intimacy anorexia and we’re going to make it a family project to save our 43 yr marriage.
Some of us “ sick” , “ damaged” little girls want to get help😔.
I’ve been told it’s my fault , it’s complicated, I know I’ve suppressed trauma I experienced, and every time I feel threatened,I close off , didn’t even know it was happening, learning about displacement and disassociate
I wanna send these vids to my wife but i feel she'll just keep blaming me and herself in order to keep distancing.
Oftentimes, we can see the problems in other peoples or couples ... it may help her to see how you feel - if she is able to see the behavior in a non-direct non-threatening way.
You may find her say “Is this how you are feeling?, I never knew”
My husband is an emotional anorexic.... and a sex addict ie. Porn....
He's getting help now for 4 months... I'm now acting like the emotional anorexic ...I need too be safe right now..... I'm so confused!!!!
It’s probably betrayal trauma. Check out Dr Sheri Keffer’s book, “Intimate Deception.” It’s a real problem with wives whose husbands are acting out sexually.
You just opened my eyes doc. Attachment disorder with a cross gender parent + my parents fought constantly and always slept apart. My mother was a screamer, could develop no relationship with any of her children or husband, and her relationship with her oldest child and a boy at that was the worst of all. Basically, I had no mother... We're at 33+ years of this hell so we are surviving better than average... "Every 5 years..." comment - yes this is the response I get with my wife. Maybe were both bonkers... I am actually terrified to bring up the topic of sex with my wife. In fact, I am terrified of sex even though I really want it I think... You talk alot about church and pastors; what church are you talking about and do pastors get involved in people's marriages?... Great program! I am just beginning this journey of figuring out what is wrong with us and your talk really helps.
Hey Peace Brother, don't rule out the possibility of your mother (and/or your wife) being on the Autistic Spectrum. This video comes mainly from the angle of a man having this problem but as a guy watching this it's possible to mentally switch the pronouns he uses and maybe learn something valuable: Neurodiversity University: The Truth for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder - th-cam.com/video/E77ec1GYu0A/w-d-xo.html - MF
My husband is married to his phone
Yes Brenda, I totally get what you are saying. And this lady actually has another word for what that behavior probably feels like - It's An Affair! th-cam.com/video/Pq84_n7AhhA/w-d-xo.html
My wife is married to her phone and spends 20 hours a day on it.
does doug Weiss have pod casts ?
Yes he does.
Hello Bob. Do you ship Dr. Doug Weiss books to South Africa?
Alone sexually happens because you’re alone emotionally
Kefir Karen my spouse won’t kiss me during sex or look into my eyes...you just don’t understand...good for you! You haven’t experienced it
Lisa Car you may have misunderstood my comment. The emotional part is so important, and my husband and I don’t connect at all.... in any way, really. It’s heart breaking. I’m sorry about what you’re going through. It’s all very painful.