Sometimes people fight out of simple boredom. They want the stimulation of a fight. They may also do this if they feel ignored or taken for granted. The fight is a way of testing the person to see if they care (value) the other person and also helping the mind escape boredom. We live in a time when people are constantly stimulated, leaving them sensitive to withdrawal symptoms experienced as emptiness and boredom. This is one reason many people seek out drama in relationships. The intersection of needing to feel valued (especially when they feel worthless) and the need for stimulation.
@@0ijm3409fiwrekj because it is lol imagine having a perfectly good relationship with a compatible partner and you wanna start a fight and piss them off for no reason other than you're bored. Go date an asshole then lmao
My recommended dose of Daddy Peterson knowledge. He teaches me things, treats me right, makes me feels thing I didn't know I could feel. Helps me realize my limitations, and pushes me past them. He rewards me by filling me with his knowledge, but only if I'm good, only if I'm willing to listen.
He put into words why I broke up with a man who never said “no” to me, never disagreed with me, loved me unconditionally and worshipped the ground I walked on. I’m ashamed to admit that I treated him badly, first trying to get a rise out of him and eventually dumping him in a cruel way (while hoping he’d tighten the reins on me). Though I now understand why I acted that way, thirty-five years later I still think of him longingly when I fight with my partner of thirty years.
This literally sounds like you lacked excitement in your life and you were looking for cheap thrills. And your partner was a calm and contented individuals who had no place or time for drama in his life. He was patient, mature. Not a nice guy who couldn't stand up for himself. But you thought he was weak and wanted to test him and he didn't fall for your bs ideas and when your bs ness of your ideas was revealed to you, you felt guilty and ashamed. Thank god you dumped him, he is relieved of an evil person.
Thats the point but it never works out.☝🏽 Like the next day its another emotion or phase n u cant say anything abt it cuz things can become physical. Shit is ugly. Smh ugh
Disagreeing and discussion is necessary. Fighting is not necessary. It happens and sometimes may be for the best, but it should be marked as a last resort, not as a regular and healthy occurrence.
Man it depends on the relationship Me and my wife have been together for 17 years and we hardly ever fight. We talk and have it out but no fighting!!, screaming and shouting and what not.
@@SCGRAPHY well, it's not the same for everyone, it depends on personality. Not everyone wants to experience life the same way. I am very passionate, and with a person similar to me, it happens that one argues and have "small fights" in small time periods, hopefully never leaving apart from the other nor doing anything wrong, as he says, growing from it, and kinda like having fun.
Fights generally is an argument or a disagreement. This is why fist fights and name calling in a relationship is labeled as abusive. Last week me and my husband had gotten in a fight bout the car. By the end of the day the issue was solved. Then that same car a few days later stalled out once on the trip home then died at home and both of us agreed in. "Shit. It's the alternator." Alternator went out. Least the car died at home where we could get all the groceries out. But I mean, just a few days back we were so angry bout that same car. Now we're good.
Everyone I know including myself who are in good healthy relationships barely fight with their SO. What you need in a relationship is communication not to be mad at each other.
Depends on the issue and how things resolute. Its actually annoying to have a family that debates over everything but never actually resolute things bc they don't wanna hear and understand other's arguments. B4 knowing the benefits of debates, people should learn how to listen and have a logical, structural thinking.
To me, a healthy fight is when you can be yourself but also be respectful and humble and forgive in the end. If someone is annoying you, you are straight up in a respectful way, and if you annoy them and they bring it up, you have the humility to understand that what they're saying may be true even if it hurts or upsets you.
It's not fighting thats all that important or even what you fight about, the real tell tale sign is how you go about fighting. Like in " how you play the game".
My ex dumped me cause he thought I fight too much. I did at the end but I’ve always been such a push over, and finally in my relationship I’ve been able to express how I feel. He is the love of my life and my only wish in this life is to get back together with him ❤️
@@fiffeel Truth. And if a woman is too agreeable (as I was) then (some) men get bored very quickly and want out. Looking back, I don't blame them; I had no backbone or boundaries.
if he runs because of d fight then he is a effing coward. A man who loves u wont leave u for some stupid fights. Men love pain. Give him fights n he will actually stick to u like mud
For anyone who actually has ANYTHING important happening in their life, a relationship that’s challenging” is a pain in the ass and decreases your ability to perform your important tasks.
@@edge21str that goes for marriages as well?😕 So basically don't get into no relationship or marriages because it stops you from doing important things that you gotta do in life?
Mrs.Indian Monroe I don’t think so. Jordan Peterson is not all knowing so don’t take his word when he says relationships without conflicts will fail. Just find someone you harmonize with.
I have a diagnosed narcissist for a friend and our relationship is exactly how he described. I've never fought or disagreed with her and have also been led to be quite mean myself and it is quite a toxic toll. Another thing narcissists do is abandon you once you have any type of conflict and then make up nasty stories to discredit and do harm to your reputation. Many in our friend group have been done away with and ridiculed constantly and I have been getting very drained by the atmosphere that creates.
I have been with my wife since I was 29, now 45 and we never fight. We give each other space to pursue our own careers and chill out in the evenings together and have a laugh. Your theory doesn't cover everyone.
Craig Sips it's not supposed to cover everyone you are clearly an outlier and I'm very happy to hear you and your wife can have such a good relationship.
Trust me, she is dying inside and you are her roommate with occasional back shots to scratch an itch. But trust me, she is excited to see the adventurous, fun, exciting chad everyday in her fulfilling career.. and I’m a woman.. we dye of boredom if there is no type of stimulation. Just an easy boring life..
I think the title is misleading. this is just "don't live in an echo chamber" which is a completely fair point to make. what I don't think is fair, is the implied title of being in an abusive relationship, or with someone narcissistic, who would bicker with you over trivial matters, and in general give you grief. a good relationship challenges the ideas of both parties, but said challenges need to be rooted in mutual respect and understanding, to be truly worthwhile.
awesome topic. Actually the 5 to 1 ratio is the good one! --> Using a 5:1 ratio, which Gottman dubbed 'the magic ratio,' he and his colleagues predicted whether 700 newlywed couples would stay together or divorce by scoring their positive and negative interactions in one 15- minute conversation between each husband and wife. Ten years later, the follow-up revealed that they had predicted divorce with 94 percent accuracy.
It is annoying when people try to disprove this by claiming they had a perfect relationship with their spouse and never fought. And I don't want to be the one to tell them that they didn't actually have a relationship at all, but I am still happy for them nonetheless.
Relationship usually comes down to attractions. Usually when one is really attracted to one's partner they try to please one another and therefore the chance of fighting decreases. I've always been curious about human monogamous relationships and to what extend are they natural or forced. One theory I heard that human Monogamy only truly last 7 years.
It’s NOT about WANTING to fight, it’s about being courageous enough to express your TRUE opinions no matter what. You liking it is NOT REQUIRED. Most people don’t like to fight because it usually feels bad but it’s about doing what needs to be done.
@@Mr.Honest247 i understand. Expressing myself isn't worth starting a fight. I don't desire anyone's understanding enough to express my true feelings if it means I have to fight with them about it. If they can't just hear me and understand I'd rather be quiet
Jordan's great and I highly respect him, and I won't claim to be sure he's totally wrong or that I know better, but this particular lesson makes no sense to me at all and so I don't buy it. Why would a person not want perfection, how could more positivity not be good when a positive interaction inherently means a good and constructive one, and how could fighting possibly be the better of hypothetical outcomes? How is a perfect world not an ideal world? How is a perfect relationship not a desirable one? Differences lead to destruction. The closest I've ever got to a perfection relationship was a very good friendship with a guy I came to call brother. We became very similar in personalities, views, likes, humor, everything. It was a very healthy, deep friendship that strengthened me to be the best version of myself. Fights have been the ends of relationships. Hostile people you can't get along with make life miserable. Differences divide. -_^ What am I missing?
A.D. Sifford Obviously he is saying your perfect and his perfect are not the same... He’s saying that a properly balanced relationship, between good and bad interactions, has the highest rates of success statistically. He’s trying to explain why the trends go the way they do; experimentally, what he is saying is already known to be true.
People manufacture drama to fill the emptiness of their life. They have nothing better to do. The better thing to do is to accept the emptiness and live peacefully without manufacturing false dramas that can have nasty consequences.
I read a Facebook meme yesterday that describes a "real man" as basically a doormat and a brainwashed slave who only lives to please his woman. "a real man asks for help" Ha! No. Team players ask for help. Real men ask for help only when they need it, after everything a man can do by himself. Real men are independent and don't ask for help on a social whim the same way women would. "A real man gives his woman all his care affection" No he doesn't. Only a brainwashed slave does that. Our kids need care and affection too; and to be perfectly frank, I just want to sleep most nights. I want his care and affection, yes; but not all of it, thank you. "A real man's biggest fear is losing his woman" That makes a man a liar and a door mat. Most women will walk all over that kind of man and feel little to no remorse. I want equality. I want a man of strength and honesty, and determination. Being taken for liar and sucker had better rate higher on his fear index than losing me.
Is this is a short term thing? I've found in relationships we start off figuring out our boundaries but overtime we get in grooves and always end up taking the route of less friction. We know how the other person feels about certain things and do things to help them whenever we can, should I just dump girls like this and pursue a SJW so i can fight with them more?
Nat S Pfft, he’s not wrong, everyone is just different. For many, fighting is necessary because of their personalities. Others are peace lovers by nature and fighting won’t be a part of it because they don’t need it. IT DEPENDS ON THE PERSON!
@@maxamillion2140 I agree, in a perfect world all agreements would look like they do in textbooks, where every party is understanding, empathetic and can put their ego aside, no matter whether they feel hurt or angry or anxious... but that's how it goes sometimes. People are not perfect and cant always control ther emotions or communicate without flaws, it happens. That does not mean you resort to name calling or insulting and blaming each other non stop. What I agree with is that it shouldn't leave either party with a bad feeling and the fight/ disagreement, even if it got heated, should end on a good note or if possible with a mutual agreement or bonding.
Fuck that, fighting is necessary! Sure it is inevitable, but not "necessary". I hate fighting, and it can be very much avoided since I am clear to whoever I'm dating that I don't like arguing over petty issues. I'd normally negotiate for a mutually beneficial outcome, and it works everytime.
I came to know in 9 outta 10 scenarios it's the female partner who craves drama,attention,and ultimately argument in a relationship,and I don't blame them it's just the way they are and I respect Gods creatures 🙏🏻💝
"... mistreat them ... and deservedly so" I've heard him mention similar sentiments a number of times, does he ever elaborate when and why it might be legitimate to do so?
he actually said "and perhaps deservedly so". Quite different. I believe he is talking about how people are in relationships by choice and someone who chooses to be in a relationship with a narcissist is not entirely blameless. They could and perhaps should walk away, but they choose to be a co-author of their own subordination to their narcissist partner.
Robbie Jackowiak You don't, usually. But you start by not willing supporting and being a part of their delusion. If you are very lucky, the narcissistic person is willing and able to reflect on themselves, their behaviour and history and can fix themselves. But that usually isnt possible or is only possible with therapy. It is unknown what kind of personality will emerge once they have fixed their flaw, and who knows whether you will even be right for each other after such a process. In all likelihood, the fact you were playing into their delusion means u have you own psych issues to sort out. So thats a bigger priority for you than trying to help them. Look into unhealthy codependent relationships, it should be quite illuminating.
But If I feel its not worth the effort its not a relationship fighting for if they never see my view on things. I could see that immediately or within meeting a person a couple times.
Robbie Jackowiak yeah, thats probably very helpful for you. Im similar at both first dates and job interviews; being honest about a few flaws early on culls the majority of incompatible interpersonal relationships before you sink too much of your or their time and effort.
Well instead of saying fighting is Normal we should be telling the next generation that it is not the right way to communicate your problems to partner .we should be sitting down ,discussing the issues in respectful tone coming to a mutual decision should hug each other
My girl got mad at me because I didn't remember her favorite color, well actually I did, but when she said, are you sure, and since we're only together since a month, I second guessed myself, and she said that was proof I didn't care. (I got it right the first time, but I guess I didn't say it with enough certainty for her taste). I assured her I did care, but I also said that I don't like it when she tests me. My feelings for her are not subject to testing, I think she playing with me, telling me “Are you sure", even though I got it right the first time is manipulative, and I do not like that.
A insecure infant who lives with this emptiness within themselves that they cant live without others is a bad news for the other person who is looking for stability and no drama. If she is a drama creating person just leave man.
Another movie that actually works well for the whole "your parents are not gods" revelation is actually the Wizard of Oz when the curtain is pulled away and the "Great and Powerful Oz" is revealed to be nothing but a great and powerful phony. "Wait a minute! You're not so great and mighty! You're just a schmuck like the rest of us! Why should we take you seriously?!"
Okay so there was a lecture where he was talking about the value of relationships and he said something to the effect of "We have a limited amount of romantic relationships in life and we should do our best to learn from each of them". CAN ANYONE HELP ME FIND THAT ONE?? (Or even know what I'm talking about)
I try to help my gf when shes sad i try my hardest i dont get any loving attention or any love back though we are in a long distance relationship i love my partner but we argue a lot and i am just confused bc she can be loving and caring one day but the next i am sitting on ft arguing with her over something imma regret tomorrow i dont want to break up with her i love my partner
This is the marriage advice and procreation advice to people who were choosing a celibate lifestyle, but now can be doubtful about their decisions again.
Petersen keeps talking about fighting when he clearly means arguing. As someone who chooses his words carefully, I do wonder why he's chosen that particular term instead of arguing/disagreeing when it's clearly what he meant.
I think he chose it on purpose. Either because that's the term most people use or because it is a real struggle going on sometimes. Calling it just disagreeing down plays what is occasionally going on in a marriage.
Too many people on here are trying to correct the good doctor, and ignore the real message. He isn't telling you to fight with your spouse. He's telling you that you should find a partner worth fighting with. Learning to fight with your spouse the right way is incredibly helpful in bringing resolution, and bringing couples closer together. Otherwise you're both just weak pretenders, ignoring real problems, the dragon in the house...
Nobody deserves to be mistreated by another person(s). By God, oh yes, but not by a peer. Once a person shows himself a danger, then defense must be put up, right on up to jail walls, but still no mistreatment.
I think that Peterson is saying this to normalize and justify his own unhealthy depressive tendencies that negatively effect his relationship. In Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends, he uses a lot of studies to show how when people argue with each other, it tends to make people more certain that their own point is correct and makes them not listen or accept the other persons point of view. I haven't heard Jordan Peterson use any studies when explaining his philosophies.
The majority of top psychologists are very good listeners and communicators. You never hear the psychologist argue with their patience to try to "balance an equilibrium" or to get their point across.
I'm with Jordan. I need someone who can challenge me, put me in my place and give me that adrenaline. I like a debate, at least. My ex was too weak for me in that regard. My previous ex was great at putting me in my place, however. And I loved that!
then you’re a drama seeker. not sure why you want a stable relationship in the first place. perhaps you need to figure yourself out first before being with someone
Fighting is fun for the one who always needs to win and feels life and relationships are competitions. Why always so general? You cannot fight with narcissists. That is dangerous!
I don’t like to fight. I like peace. And so does my husband. I don’t even remember when was the last time we fought and I like it that way. We have Jesus. We don’t need any of the rubbish secular people needs to hold to. Praise God.
What about stating what you want and how important it is to you, instead of fighting? Fighting in a relationship feels like an immature way of communication to me. Then again for many women sex and drama are very much intertwined and you have to have both or none
![[MV] A leap of faith...ความเชื่อใจครั้งสุดท้าย (From "Petrichor the series")](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/U1piZH2CNXA/mqdefault.jpg)
A good fight shows that people respect themselves. Settling the issue shows they respect each other.
Fantastic! I love how smoothly those words were put.
I really like that.
Im trying.☝🏽
Wow. Makes sense :o
You can do that without fighting though. Dont know why communication isnt the issue
after watching this, I immediately called my wife's lazy and overbearing. Phew, our relationship ratio is in balance again!
LOL Thats not how you do it!
uppercut grandma yeah.... that's not how you do it. you should cheat on her too...
hahahaha
Tell her she's just like her mom, women love that
MrCTruck
Hahaha... that's worth 5 negative interactions all at once!!!!
Sometimes people fight out of simple boredom. They want the stimulation of a fight. They may also do this if they feel ignored or taken for granted. The fight is a way of testing the person to see if they care (value) the other person and also helping the mind escape boredom. We live in a time when people are constantly stimulated, leaving them sensitive to withdrawal symptoms experienced as emptiness and boredom. This is one reason many people seek out drama in relationships. The intersection of needing to feel valued (especially when they feel worthless) and the need for stimulation.
a.k.a female shit test
a.k.a teenage angst? Nah. Shit test it is.
why does this feel unhealthy? fighting out of boredom doesn't sound good.
@@0ijm3409fiwrekj because it is lol
imagine having a perfectly good relationship with a compatible partner and you wanna start a fight and piss them off for no reason other than you're bored. Go date an asshole then lmao
@@nightfighter7452 amen brother
Issues arise. That's a given. Good fighting preserves the love in the relationship. Attack the issue, not the person.
My recommended dose of Daddy Peterson knowledge. He teaches me things, treats me right, makes me feels thing I didn't know I could feel. Helps me realize my limitations, and pushes me past them.
He rewards me by filling me with his knowledge, but only if I'm good, only if I'm willing to listen.
Get some help.
haha! That was awesome! kudos
thats weird, yeah hes smart and interesting but damn
Sort your damn self out bucko!
dafuq? this was weird.
'a real relationship is a wrestling match, a grappling phenomena, that you both emerge transformed from.'
He put into words why I broke up with a man who never said “no” to me, never disagreed with me, loved me unconditionally and worshipped the ground I walked on. I’m ashamed to admit that I treated him badly, first trying to get a rise out of him and eventually dumping him in a cruel way (while hoping he’d tighten the reins on me). Though I now understand why I acted that way, thirty-five years later I still think of him longingly when I fight with my partner of thirty years.
Thank you for your honest testimony. Nice guy syndrome is a terrible waste of shared happiness, and it's sad for both parties really.
Don’t you feel pathetic that your nature values contending more than someone who loves you unconditionally?!?? The crazy human animals we are....
When I fight with my partner I think longingly of even my worst exes 😅
Why do you feel longing about your ex? Longing for such a response, is it good? Do you miss that in you current relationship?
This literally sounds like you lacked excitement in your life and you were looking for cheap thrills. And your partner was a calm and contented individuals who had no place or time for drama in his life. He was patient, mature. Not a nice guy who couldn't stand up for himself. But you thought he was weak and wanted to test him and he didn't fall for your bs ideas and when your bs ness of your ideas was revealed to you, you felt guilty and ashamed. Thank god you dumped him, he is relieved of an evil person.
now I need to find a wife who wants to fight
Ronda Rousey?
QuoteToad Jr Actually,Rhonda Rousey is an antifeminist.
John Allan “I’m ready to settle down but it’s so hard to find a wife who wants to fight...”.
Said no man, ever.
Leila ali
Why do you want to fight, John? lol
I think it is more about relationships where someone is not happy with something and doesnt speaks up
Manuel Montoya hey, at least you get it. 90% of this comment section doesn't, probably because they haven't even been in a relationship before
Thats the point but it never works out.☝🏽
Like the next day its another emotion or phase n u cant say anything abt it cuz things can become physical. Shit is ugly. Smh ugh
Disagreeing and discussion is necessary. Fighting is not necessary. It happens and sometimes may be for the best, but it should be marked as a last resort, not as a regular and healthy occurrence.
Also depends what you, your partners, or others would consider a “fight”.
"Periods of peace punctuated by a good fight." Thanks Dr. Peterson.
Ww2
@@mitch9651Except that was a bad fight.
While he did say that fighting is good, that doesn't mean as soon as you're done watching the video, you randomly begin to fight with your partner.
Man it depends on the relationship
Me and my wife have been together for 17 years and we hardly ever fight. We talk and have it out but no fighting!!, screaming and shouting and what not.
thank you sir , someone needed to put this out for everyone who doesn't fight. Its a waste of limited time we have on earth
That is what he means. He does not mean childish screaming etc..
@@SCGRAPHY well, it's not the same for everyone, it depends on personality. Not everyone wants to experience life the same way. I am very passionate, and with a person similar to me, it happens that one argues and have "small fights" in small time periods, hopefully never leaving apart from the other nor doing anything wrong, as he says, growing from it, and kinda like having fun.
He means heated disagreements I think not bashing each other!
Fights generally is an argument or a disagreement. This is why fist fights and name calling in a relationship is labeled as abusive.
Last week me and my husband had gotten in a fight bout the car. By the end of the day the issue was solved. Then that same car a few days later stalled out once on the trip home then died at home and both of us agreed in. "Shit. It's the alternator."
Alternator went out. Least the car died at home where we could get all the groceries out. But I mean, just a few days back we were so angry bout that same car. Now we're good.
Got it.
"Honey, pick up those MMA gloves. It's time for sparring . "
Everyone I know including myself who are in good healthy relationships barely fight with their SO. What you need in a relationship is communication not to be mad at each other.
It also depends what you, your partner, or others believe a “fight” is.
I agree. JP's talking rubbish, tbh.
Channeling Mr. Rogers with that sweater!
Depends on the issue and how things resolute. Its actually annoying to have a family that debates over everything but never actually resolute things bc they don't wanna hear and understand other's arguments. B4 knowing the benefits of debates, people should learn how to listen and have a logical, structural thinking.
To me, a healthy fight is when you can be yourself but also be respectful and humble and forgive in the end. If someone is annoying you, you are straight up in a respectful way, and if you annoy them and they bring it up, you have the humility to understand that what they're saying may be true even if it hurts or upsets you.
It's not fighting thats all that important or even what you fight about, the real tell tale sign is how you go about fighting.
Like in " how you play the game".
My ex dumped me cause he thought I fight too much. I did at the end but I’ve always been such a push over, and finally in my relationship I’ve been able to express how I feel. He is the love of my life and my only wish in this life is to get back together with him ❤️
Did he come back?
peterson is a rockstar for a reason. damn he makes good sense
There will always be fights for as long as her biology is still intact, she will always need to test your emotional fitness as a mate.
GodWorksOut Yay finally someone got the right answer. Women are annoying cuz theyre trying to test mens emotional stability
And deservingly so. They need to shit test us to see if we can withstand pressure and stand our grounding as men.
@@fiffeel Truth. And if a woman is too agreeable (as I was) then (some) men get bored very quickly and want out. Looking back, I don't blame them; I had no backbone or boundaries.
Yes we too.And its good that we do.Only in moderation of course.
And thank God women do this to us men
Watching this because I just got into a fight with my boyfriend telling him about how I feel :/// I hope we’re gunna be okay tbh
Hope you're well
How did it go
if he runs because of d fight then he is a effing coward. A man who loves u wont leave u for some stupid fights. Men love pain. Give him fights n he will actually stick to u like mud
@@piak78 we love pain to some certain extinct but we don't love abusers bad idea and it will only drive him away even further
oh boy cant wait to challenge and argue with someone whom I chose to give the legal power to destroy me financially and take my kids from me 😍
that is before mariage ...when you just start dating
Don’t blame Peterson because you’re weak.
For anyone who actually has ANYTHING important happening in their life, a relationship that’s challenging” is a pain in the ass and decreases your ability to perform your important tasks.
@@edge21str that goes for marriages as well?😕 So basically don't get into no relationship or marriages because it stops you from doing important things that you gotta do in life?
Mrs.Indian Monroe I don’t think so. Jordan Peterson is not all knowing so don’t take his word when he says relationships without conflicts will fail. Just find someone you harmonize with.
I have a diagnosed narcissist for a friend and our relationship is exactly how he described. I've never fought or disagreed with her and have also been led to be quite mean myself and it is quite a toxic toll. Another thing narcissists do is abandon you once you have any type of conflict and then make up nasty stories to discredit and do harm to your reputation. Many in our friend group have been done away with and ridiculed constantly and I have been getting very drained by the atmosphere that creates.
I love that he is saying this in his Mr. Rogers sweater.
Wow. This guy. I want to dislike one of his talks, but he's always got a valid point.
"Dislike" and "JP" do not belong in the same sentence.
I have been with my wife since I was 29, now 45 and we never fight. We give each other space to pursue our own careers and chill out in the evenings together and have a laugh. Your theory doesn't cover everyone.
Craig Sips it's not supposed to cover everyone you are clearly an outlier and I'm very happy to hear you and your wife can have such a good relationship.
this makes me so happy. Thank you for sharing!!!
Sure your not dating a dood ? Sex with the lights off always ? I thought so.
Trust me, she is dying inside and you are her roommate with occasional back shots to scratch an itch. But trust me, she is excited to see the adventurous, fun, exciting chad everyday in her fulfilling career.. and I’m a woman.. we dye of boredom if there is no type of stimulation. Just an easy boring life..
You're living a lie both parties would never survive at y'all worst
"periods of peace punctuated by good fight" Okayyy!
I think the title is misleading. this is just "don't live in an echo chamber" which is a completely fair point to make.
what I don't think is fair, is the implied title of being in an abusive relationship, or with someone narcissistic, who would bicker with you over trivial matters, and in general give you grief.
a good relationship challenges the ideas of both parties, but said challenges need to be rooted in mutual respect and understanding, to be truly worthwhile.
Respect..compromise...not fight
what a marvelous video clip. this is priceless wisdom. thank you for posting.
A healthy amount of healthy fights and positive criticism is good.
awesome topic. Actually the 5 to 1 ratio is the good one! --> Using a 5:1 ratio, which Gottman dubbed 'the magic
ratio,' he and his colleagues predicted whether 700 newlywed couples would stay
together or divorce by scoring their positive and negative interactions in one 15-
minute conversation between each husband and wife. Ten years later, the follow-up
revealed that they had predicted divorce with 94 percent accuracy.
It is annoying when people try to disprove this by claiming they had a perfect relationship with their spouse and never fought. And I don't want to be the one to tell them that they didn't actually have a relationship at all, but I am still happy for them nonetheless.
He telling the truth a Narcissist wants a pushover to abuse
The last sentence made me LOL.
I just had a bigg argument,yelling to my dear partner. I just want to get lost...
Thanks for the video ❤
Relationship usually comes down to attractions. Usually when one is really attracted to one's partner they try to please one another and therefore the chance of fighting decreases.
I've always been curious about human monogamous relationships and to what extend are they natural or forced. One theory I heard that human Monogamy only truly last 7 years.
Im on the right and my gf is one the left, we’re both very opinionated and whenever a topic comes up. How the hell do we not fight when disagreeing
A lot of people don’t understand what he meant by ‘fight’...
shouting matches are never healthy. i think he should’ve used better wording like communication or calm arguments
I wonder what the defect is for having no desire to fight ever. I don't want to fight about shit.
I wouldn't call it a defect necessarily, but it's referred to clinically as Avoidant Attachment type.
You dont have to fight,but a healthy disagreement does no harm as long as you dont make it personal.
SomeBlackDude people who never disagree scare me. They build resentment and could become volatile.
It’s NOT about WANTING to fight, it’s about being courageous enough to express your TRUE opinions no matter what. You liking it is NOT REQUIRED. Most people don’t like to fight because it usually feels bad but it’s about doing what needs to be done.
@@Mr.Honest247 i understand. Expressing myself isn't worth starting a fight. I don't desire anyone's understanding enough to express my true feelings if it means I have to fight with them about it. If they can't just hear me and understand I'd rather be quiet
1:40 positive/negative interactions
I come back always to this video to remember the ratio.
Jordan's great and I highly respect him, and I won't claim to be sure he's totally wrong or that I know better, but this particular lesson makes no sense to me at all and so I don't buy it. Why would a person not want perfection, how could more positivity not be good when a positive interaction inherently means a good and constructive one, and how could fighting possibly be the better of hypothetical outcomes? How is a perfect world not an ideal world? How is a perfect relationship not a desirable one? Differences lead to destruction. The closest I've ever got to a perfection relationship was a very good friendship with a guy I came to call brother. We became very similar in personalities, views, likes, humor, everything. It was a very healthy, deep friendship that strengthened me to be the best version of myself. Fights have been the ends of relationships. Hostile people you can't get along with make life miserable. Differences divide. -_^ What am I missing?
A.D. Sifford Obviously he is saying your perfect and his perfect are not the same...
He’s saying that a properly balanced relationship, between good and bad interactions, has the highest rates of success statistically. He’s trying to explain why the trends go the way they do; experimentally, what he is saying is already known to be true.
Thing is, people rarely grow as a result of fight so it's usually just a repeating cycle of varying degrees of abuse.
You're referring to unresolved or unresolvable conflict
Thank you God for this man. Also, Elton & Bernie were apparently bang on.
I love his sweater.
That philosophical challenge that brings me to these kinds of videos everytime we fight... yeah I like it...
if Mr.Rogers was a Canadian genius
I'd like to be his neighbor
People manufacture drama to fill the emptiness of their life. They have nothing better to do. The better thing to do is to accept the emptiness and live peacefully without manufacturing false dramas that can have nasty consequences.
If you feel disrespected and drained after a fight please run away.
The outcome of this fight has lead my ex to hate me for life since she keeps falsely accusing me of cheating so yeah.
I read a Facebook meme yesterday that describes a "real man" as basically a doormat and a brainwashed slave who only lives to please his woman.
"a real man asks for help"
Ha! No. Team players ask for help. Real men ask for help only when they need it, after everything a man can do by himself. Real men are independent and don't ask for help on a social whim the same way women would.
"A real man gives his woman all his care affection"
No he doesn't. Only a brainwashed slave does that. Our kids need care and affection too; and to be perfectly frank, I just want to sleep most nights. I want his care and affection, yes; but not all of it, thank you.
"A real man's biggest fear is losing his woman"
That makes a man a liar and a door mat. Most women will walk all over that kind of man and feel little to no remorse. I want equality. I want a man of strength and honesty, and determination. Being taken for liar and sucker had better rate higher on his fear index than losing me.
Is this is a short term thing? I've found in relationships we start off figuring out our boundaries but overtime we get in grooves and always end up taking the route of less friction. We know how the other person feels about certain things and do things to help them whenever we can, should I just dump girls like this and pursue a SJW so i can fight with them more?
Max Amillion No!!! Lol He’s wrong in this one. Keep choosing healthy relationships!
Nat S Pfft, he’s not wrong, everyone is just different. For many, fighting is necessary because of their personalities. Others are peace lovers by nature and fighting won’t be a part of it because they don’t need it. IT DEPENDS ON THE PERSON!
Relationships that include fights (that don’t go overboard) are healthy relationships. Don’t judge relationships that you may not have experienced.
@@TheMrsMane I think disagreements are normal, but they can be civil. They don't need to turn into fights.
@@maxamillion2140 I agree, in a perfect world all agreements would look like they do in textbooks, where every party is understanding, empathetic and can put their ego aside, no matter whether they feel hurt or angry or anxious... but that's how it goes sometimes. People are not perfect and cant always control ther emotions or communicate without flaws, it happens. That does not mean you resort to name calling or insulting and blaming each other non stop. What I agree with is that it shouldn't leave either party with a bad feeling and the fight/ disagreement, even if it got heated, should end on a good note or if possible with a mutual agreement or bonding.
Has someone recovered the study he talks about? It could be very interesting
This is the first JP vid I've found where I think he gets it wrong. I was getting worried.
I regret fighting
Make money folks. Everything else can be settled
I come back to this video whenever I fight with my partner. We had been peaceful for two months I thought we were over fighting this time 😂 Ah well
Same
2 months without any fights at all, even a little bicker, would kind of worry me a bit to be honest lol. That’s a while.
Damn. 2 months ?
We go at each other with my girl every week💀
Are you guys still together now??
Fuck that, fighting is necessary! Sure it is inevitable, but not "necessary". I hate fighting, and it can be very much avoided since I am clear to whoever I'm dating that I don't like arguing over petty issues. I'd normally negotiate for a mutually beneficial outcome, and it works everytime.
Fair enough, and he probably talks about "fight" here not necessary in a most violent way, it's more like about arguing I guess.
I came to know in 9 outta 10 scenarios it's the female partner who craves drama,attention,and ultimately argument in a relationship,and I don't blame them it's just the way they are and I respect Gods creatures 🙏🏻💝
should i stop talking to him after an argument? and wait for him to talk first?
"... mistreat them ... and deservedly so" I've heard him mention similar sentiments a number of times, does he ever elaborate when and why it might be legitimate to do so?
he actually said "and perhaps deservedly so". Quite different. I believe he is talking about how people are in relationships by choice and someone who chooses to be in a relationship with a narcissist is not entirely blameless. They could and perhaps should walk away, but they choose to be a co-author of their own subordination to their narcissist partner.
How do you turn a narcissist into a cooperator ?
Robbie Jackowiak You don't, usually. But you start by not willing supporting and being a part of their delusion. If you are very lucky, the narcissistic person is willing and able to reflect on themselves, their behaviour and history and can fix themselves. But that usually isnt possible or is only possible with therapy. It is unknown what kind of personality will emerge once they have fixed their flaw, and who knows whether you will even be right for each other after such a process. In all likelihood, the fact you were playing into their delusion means u have you own psych issues to sort out. So thats a bigger priority for you than trying to help them.
Look into unhealthy codependent relationships, it should be quite illuminating.
But If I feel its not worth the effort its not a relationship fighting for if they never see my view on things. I could see that immediately or within meeting a person a couple times.
Robbie Jackowiak yeah, thats probably very helpful for you. Im similar at both first dates and job interviews; being honest about a few flaws early on culls the majority of incompatible interpersonal relationships before you sink too much of your or their time and effort.
Well instead of saying fighting is Normal we should be telling the next generation that it is not the right way to communicate your problems to partner .we should be sitting down ,discussing the issues in respectful tone coming to a mutual decision should hug each other
Have you ever gotten emotional and then try speaking like a robot, perfectly rational? Me neither
good lord that cardigan is awful...... i love it.
My girl got mad at me because I didn't remember her favorite color, well actually I did, but when she said, are you sure, and since we're only together since a month, I second guessed myself, and she said that was proof I didn't care. (I got it right the first time, but I guess I didn't say it with enough certainty for her taste).
I assured her I did care, but I also said that I don't like it when she tests me. My feelings for her are not subject to testing, I think she playing with me, telling me “Are you sure", even though I got it right the first time is manipulative, and I do not like that.
A insecure infant who lives with this emptiness within themselves that they cant live without others is a bad news for the other person who is looking for stability and no drama. If she is a drama creating person just leave man.
i want to send this to my Dad lol
Another movie that actually works well for the whole "your parents are not gods" revelation is actually the Wizard of Oz when the curtain is pulled away and the "Great and Powerful Oz" is revealed to be nothing but a great and powerful phony. "Wait a minute! You're not so great and mighty! You're just a schmuck like the rest of us! Why should we take you seriously?!"
badda boom badda Bing
I found this out too late.... lesson learned though, so fuck it, it happens
Okay so there was a lecture where he was talking about the value of relationships and he said something to the effect of "We have a limited amount of romantic relationships in life and we should do our best to learn from each of them". CAN ANYONE HELP ME FIND THAT ONE?? (Or even know what I'm talking about)
He said we might have 4 or 5 good shots at long term relationships in a lifetime.
Suspect this is what you're searching for?
th-cam.com/video/95dmLhYZwSg/w-d-xo.html
Resolver los inconvenientes y no dejarlos pasar porque llena el jarro hasta llegar a un punto de lleno y desborde
Anyone knows where the actual statistic or study for the number of positive - negative moments to length of relationship?
That last sentence is what kind of relationship feminist want
I think in some ways feminism is weeding out the low quality guys to get the real alphas
If I get rejected I say.
"You don't know what you are missing!!!"
Then walk away.
- Thuglife -
Reminds me of the Nice Guy syndrome.
I try to help my gf when shes sad i try my hardest i dont get any loving attention or any love back though we are in a long distance relationship i love my partner but we argue a lot and i am just confused bc she can be loving and caring one day but the next i am sitting on ft arguing with her over something imma regret tomorrow i dont want to break up with her i love my partner
Me and my future wife are gonna box daily now, thanks Doc
Seguro que se merecen ser maltratados? A veces te encuentras en situaciones muy difíciles que no puedes controlar
I love peterson and am not even gay.
This is the marriage advice and procreation advice to people who were choosing a celibate lifestyle, but now can be doubtful about their decisions again.
Petersen keeps talking about fighting when he clearly means arguing.
As someone who chooses his words carefully, I do wonder why he's chosen that particular term instead of arguing/disagreeing when it's clearly what he meant.
I think he chose it on purpose. Either because that's the term most people use or because it is a real struggle going on sometimes. Calling it just disagreeing down plays what is occasionally going on in a marriage.
I am wondering how many voice of famous people and random people are criticizing his statements, behaviors and claims in his head.
sooo true
30 Days to Overcome a Toxic Relationship, by Harper Daniels, is also a good guide
I thought i married the right person, now i know it.
Too many people on here are trying to correct the good doctor, and ignore the real message. He isn't telling you to fight with your spouse. He's telling you that you should find a partner worth fighting with. Learning to fight with your spouse the right way is incredibly helpful in bringing resolution, and bringing couples closer together. Otherwise you're both just weak pretenders, ignoring real problems, the dragon in the house...
Nobody deserves to be mistreated by another person(s). By God, oh yes, but not by a peer. Once a person shows himself a danger, then defense must be put up, right on up to jail walls, but still no mistreatment.
I think that Peterson is saying this to normalize and justify his own unhealthy depressive tendencies that negatively effect his relationship. In Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends, he uses a lot of studies to show how when people argue with each other, it tends to make people more certain that their own point is correct and makes them not listen or accept the other persons point of view. I haven't heard Jordan Peterson use any studies when explaining his philosophies.
The majority of top psychologists are very good listeners and communicators. You never hear the psychologist argue with their patience to try to "balance an equilibrium" or to get their point across.
Deservedly so...? I don't agree with that statement at the end.
because you allow them to treat you like that, you deserve it because you dont speak or stand up for yourself
I'm with Jordan. I need someone who can challenge me, put me in my place and give me that adrenaline. I like a debate, at least. My ex was too weak for me in that regard. My previous ex was great at putting me in my place, however. And I loved that!
ew
then you’re a drama seeker. not sure why you want a stable relationship in the first place. perhaps you need to figure yourself out first before being with someone
@@gforce97 I've worked this out, but thanks anyway.
Is it some kind of fetish, I get it. You are not a healthy individual.
It took him 3:27 to say the one reason people fight in relationships: Women.
Fighting is fun for the one who always needs to win and feels life and relationships are competitions. Why always so general? You cannot fight with narcissists. That is dangerous!
Plauder Tasche he mentioned narcissists. They aren’t fighting fair.. their is something wrong with them etc .. it’s at the end
ouch
I don’t like to fight. I like peace. And so does my husband. I don’t even remember when was the last time we fought and I like it that way. We have Jesus. We don’t need any of the rubbish secular people needs to hold to. Praise God.
At 0:58, who does he start going off at :P
j/katz
Nice cardigan
What about stating what you want and how important it is to you, instead of fighting? Fighting in a relationship feels like an immature way of communication to me. Then again for many women sex and drama are very much intertwined and you have to have both or none
No lie.
If there are no fights, no differences, you're married to a copy of yourself. You might as well just look in the mirror.