*Take my free Daily Practice course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice *Join my Membership and access my private online community: bit.ly/CCF-Membership *Visit my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com *Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2 *Have a question for me to answer on TH-cam? Write me here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
13:23 "You cannot be parented again, you can't get that parent love again. What you didn't get as a kid, that window closed." And going on to talk about how a person is here now who is interested in having a relationship. Very good perspective to keep in mind.
I feel he’s overwhelmed and potentially a bit depressed. I think he sounds like a decent person. Most of the examples she gives he is telling her he is just physically or emotionally tired. So, it’s this push-pull where she is needing a lot when they’re together and he wants to make her happy but doesn’t want to tell her when it’s getting too much.
This feels like it's about a previous relationship I was in where I could never do enough, I ended up feeling like she had a template of the man she wanted me to be but I never matched up, despite being on a daily journey of self improvement, and having a daily checklist of how I could better show up for her. We attributed it to my ADHD and I made peace with that and I took responsibility for not being able to be more like what she needed
I hope this video will save my relationship. I understand Ariel so much and sometimes I don’t know where it’s me being unreasonable or him not liking me “enough”. I hate this limbo.
Just received your wonderful book in the mail! So glad I pre-ordered it. Congratulations Anna! Thank you for everything. You are helping thousands of people every day. Including me. I'm 69 and it's NEVER too late to heal. Love you. 💗
I hate to admit this but I’ve never felt love from any guy I was ever with. A horrible situation to be in. I can identify so well with this woman. Honestly.
I ebb and flow in my therapy, and self healing. The grounding your videos give me when I actually decide to watch them makes me think I'm not crazy for my crappy childhood, but I am crazy for not watching your videos more often! I shut myself out so much mentally sometimes. Every time I dip my toes back in I'm like "this wasn't that scary what was I waiting for?!" I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and spent the first 1.5 years absolutely smothering him then wondering why he closed up. I had a 9 day long panic attack(a ton of panic attacks one after the other, my body sweat out all of my potassium it was so bad, I went to the hospital, I'm okay now) and it made me hit the reset button my life/relationships. Since then, I have been staying at my own house and worrying about myself and it was like there was a wall keeping me from using the knowledge I've learned from you and others. Well the wall is gone and now I have a bigger sense of self than I've ever had. Thank you so much for making these videos!
Anna helps me so much 😊 i am anxiously attached I think. What I get from a partner is never enough for me: i often feel Dissatisfied Disappointed Sad Angry I want to improve them, help them, evolve together with them .... but that makes me act overly critical and unkind. I want a partner who is just as interested in bringing the relationship forward as me. But in reality, that would put a ton of pressure and expectations on my shoulders ! 😅 I wouldnt like that and it would be not good for me. I see how my partner makes little steps forward and still, I feel not satisfied!?! So clearly I need to work on my mindset, not on my project / partner. This is childish, to always be so demanding. I really want parenting from him and that is not cool 😅🙄
I ebb and flow in my therapy, and self healing. The grounding your videos give me when I actually decide to watch them makes me think I'm not crazy for my crappy childhood, but I am crazy for not watching your videos more often! I shut myself out so much mentally sometimes. Every time I dip my toes back in I'm like "this wasn't that scary what was I waiting for?!" Thank you
Wow Anna! This is a super important video!!! Her situation and openness about it, and your response that packed in so much compelling information, insights and wisdom. I feel enlightened and reinspired for my own marriage dynamics. THANK YOU for everything. Three years and counting, you and CCF and the DP continually change my life❤️❤️❤️
thank you for this. i am in this exact situation right now and needed to hear all of this. just found your channel and you’re already changing the way i view my relationships.
@@stacyjaye6350I don’t necessarily know if this guy is avoidant. From his perspective, I think he might be afraid to express his feelings because she is getting angry/frustrated with him for wanting space, especially since he seems somewhat worn/stressed out
Wow-so many take aways from this video. Top three for me were: 1. Your definition of co-dependent was so simply stated to the point of immense clarity of my behavior as a kid. 2. Silent treatment was used on me from my Mom and it really messed me up because she did it not to punish my actions, but when I was sharing an observation. I always felt unsafe when talking to mom, never knowing what may set her off. 3. Your statement that our parenting phase is not coming back, that window is closed. That was powerful to hear. Your Daily Practice and now your book is key to understanding myself since my parenting phase left me with gaping holes. I am forever grateful to you and your sharing.
I really feel for "Ariel." Regardless of childhood wounds coming up, I hope she learns to honor her unique needs and that she won't settle for a relationship which doesn't meet her needs (which is tough, because it could mean not having a relationship for a while). Settling in relationships tends to mean we usually are either trying to change the other person, or we are trying to fix ourselves to be able to tolerate the relationship. No longer settling and willing to be alone, in and of itself, is incredibly powerful and healing. It's really difficult too (I'm doing it now)--but if you stick it out, it will force you into truly caring about yourself and making yourself much less susceptible to settling for someone just because he/she can help you in ways you thought you couldn't help yourself. During that time, I recommend having a therapist or support group. Anxious attachment behaviors can come on full-force with someone who doesn't have the same needs and desires. If he is truly isn't an "anxious attachment,: then ethically, he ought to tell her he can't or doesn't want to meet her relationship needs. When picking a partner (let alone, a friend), first observe how they live, their habits, choices, behaviors. For example, I wouldn't pick someone glued to his/her phone or who is hooked on social media beyond intellectual and growth podcasts such as this one. (I was married to an emotionally-detached person for years. Dealing with him helped me learn to calm down my emotions because he just wouldn't have it. But it didn't change my deep emotional needs. Ideally, Ariel won't tolerate that type of relationship and will learn to regulate herself, such as with The Daily Practice and running things by a therapist or an aware and mature friend.)
My father used to sleep a lot when he came home from work and also on the weekends and it drove my mom crazy. Once I started getting to an age where I was having the same symptoms, I realized it had nothing to do with his wants and desires to sleep it. It had to do with a health issue because I started feeling an overwhelming exhausted tiredness that i couldn't control. It gots to the point where I would have to spend At least one day out of the week And I usually did it Sundays To sleep all day. If I didn't sleep on Sunday by Tuesday I would call in sick because my body hit a wall and I couldn't go any further.
The first lesson I learned in Alanon was: you can't change the alcoholic. The younger you are when you learn you can't change other people, the better. Also, the guy sounds wiling to learn. Woohoo! Celebrate that. Is he perfect? No. But, as the fairy said, it sounds like the relationship has good bones to start with. Not bad for a first romantic relationship; way better than some of my stinkers of relationships.
what I've finally realized from watching these videos and from my own experience is that wanting to change your partner and having high expectations is kinda a form of imaginary thinking. it's wishful. it's like limerence- not based in reality. sure, people are capable of changing, but we can't MAKE other people change.
I feel like I am definitely a mix of both anxious and avoidant. Sometimes I’m so desperate for love and other times I feel myself withdrawing so much out of fear. This relationship sounds like me & my ex, with me feeling like I couldn’t get enough from him. But in some ways I do feel like I couldn’t get enough from him because he couldn’t be emotionally intimate with me. It’s really difficult
Something very important got missed here imo. She mentioned hanging out with family, and the question I had was does that included the mother? Did she ever apologise and commit to change? If you choose to continue to be be actively involved with the people who caused your trauma when they've not earned your time and energy, "healing" if you could call it that, is a fruitless endeavour. They are the reason bf saying "let me sleep" leads to hurt feelings rather than say empathy/understanding for the fact he's tired. The scrolling on the phone when she's said she wants to spend time together is an issue but directness about this won't feel good or appropriate if she's around people she can't and has never truly been direct with.
What if the person doesn’t care if they are hurting you? Puts no effort in to spending time together. Leaves it all up to you and even like that says they’re busy with work yet find time for other people? In the time spent together, they spend it watching tv, on the phone or on a computer… they’re an ex now but now I question if I was in the wrong?
I don't know you or the situation, but from these few sentences, I believe you were not in the wrong. Many relationships are unfixable. I've had more than one of them. You deserve someone who wants to spend their time with you because they are in love with you and not just for sex. All the best to you.
It's like at the Dr you tell the nurse everything then forget what all you needed to address and find out later on the ride home or soon as they leave the room you remember something you really wanted addressed and it sucks
This seems like a textbook example of someone who likely has a fearful avoidant/ disorganized attachment style and possibly BPD tendencies dating someone who has a secure attachment style. She is trying to create familiar chaos while he is just trying to understand and adapt.
I have found journaling and other strategies are much better at reassuring me for all the multitudes of worries that come from anxious attachment. But now I am in a situation where the person I’m dating seems to freely and without prompting check the temperature and ask how I feel about them but will not respond with their feelings about me. How can you prevent feeling used ? They get all this attention and reassurance directly from me but I have to just write about it and meditate? Doesn’t really seem fair.
I think Arielle's BF does love her. He seems to have a great deal of patience for her, especially considering his age. I also think part of her anger towards her parent(s) and their failure to parent her is now being focused on her BF, who may or may not be a somewhat parental figure in her life at the moment. I see a lot of my younger self in Arielle with my first BF, who was mature for a teenager but still a teen nonetheless. Arielle's BF to me seems like he is there for her but he cannot nor should he try to fulfill the role of a parent. He does seem to love her very much while trying to balance meeting her emotional needs with his life. If she continues to demand this much emotional attention from him though, he might decide that it is too much and bail. He sounds like a kind and decent guy though. She has a keeper in him but if she is not careful with her tantrums he might decide to cut bait. It's up to her if she can try to not focus her anger at her parent(s). She has a lot of emotional baggage IMO, and is focused on the wrong person (the BF).
Hey, this is an actual community with real people who write in asking for help and who read all the comments. Would you consider modifying your comment, out of respect for the real person who wrote the letter, and has asked for help?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I appreciate that you try to keep this comments section positive. I know that I have deleted a comment or two of my own. It's easy to project one's own fears and insecurities, ending up feeling adversarial towards a letter writer. I appreciate that you invite us to consider their humanity and point of view.
*Take my free Daily Practice course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
*Join my Membership and access my private online community: bit.ly/CCF-Membership
*Visit my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com
*Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2
*Have a question for me to answer on TH-cam? Write me here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
It’s possible that he was overwhelmed by spending a lot of time with her family, and stayed in bed all day to avoid them
Yeah I found out it was the reason my bf broke up with me the last time. One of two big reasons.
That’s what I do with my family
Yeah - i was thinking this as well...
13:23 "You cannot be parented again, you can't get that parent love again. What you didn't get as a kid, that window closed." And going on to talk about how a person is here now who is interested in having a relationship. Very good perspective to keep in mind.
@LemonAdeFirst1 That sounds very dismissive.
I feel he’s overwhelmed and potentially a bit depressed. I think he sounds like a decent person. Most of the examples she gives he is telling her he is just physically or emotionally tired. So, it’s this push-pull where she is needing a lot when they’re together and he wants to make her happy but doesn’t want to tell her when it’s getting too much.
This feels like it's about a previous relationship I was in where I could never do enough, I ended up feeling like she had a template of the man she wanted me to be but I never matched up, despite being on a daily journey of self improvement, and having a daily checklist of how I could better show up for her. We attributed it to my ADHD and I made peace with that and I took responsibility for not being able to be more like what she needed
I hope this video will save my relationship. I understand Ariel so much and sometimes I don’t know where it’s me being unreasonable or him not liking me “enough”. I hate this limbo.
Just received your wonderful book in the mail! So glad I pre-ordered it. Congratulations Anna! Thank you for everything. You are helping thousands of people every day. Including me. I'm 69 and it's NEVER too late to heal. Love you. 💗
Yay! Thank you!
I hate to admit this but I’ve never felt love from any guy I was ever with. A horrible situation to be in. I can identify so well with this woman. Honestly.
I'm so sorry 🙏🏿 ❤ may it happen one day
I ebb and flow in my therapy, and self healing. The grounding your videos give me when I actually decide to watch them makes me think I'm not crazy for my crappy childhood, but I am crazy for not watching your videos more often! I shut myself out so much mentally sometimes. Every time I dip my toes back in I'm like "this wasn't that scary what was I waiting for?!"
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and spent the first 1.5 years absolutely smothering him then wondering why he closed up. I had a 9 day long panic attack(a ton of panic attacks one after the other, my body sweat out all of my potassium it was so bad, I went to the hospital, I'm okay now) and it made me hit the reset button my life/relationships. Since then, I have been staying at my own house and worrying about myself and it was like there was a wall keeping me from using the knowledge I've learned from you and others. Well the wall is gone and now I have a bigger sense of self than I've ever had.
Thank you so much for making these videos!
This letter could have been written by me and I know it is hurting my relationship. This videos was exactly what I needed right now.
I'm so glad the video was helpful, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Yeah I know how it feels to do everything for someone and give them your all and then have them criticized the way you cut tomatoes! 💔
Stacyjaye I know how you feel
Anna helps me so much 😊 i am anxiously attached I think. What I get from a partner is never enough for me: i often feel
Dissatisfied
Disappointed
Sad
Angry
I want to improve them, help them, evolve together with them .... but that makes me act overly critical and unkind. I want a partner who is just as interested in bringing the relationship forward as me. But in reality, that would put a ton of pressure and expectations on my shoulders ! 😅 I wouldnt like that and it would be not good for me.
I see how my partner makes little steps forward and still, I feel not satisfied!?! So clearly I need to work on my mindset, not on my project / partner. This is childish, to always be so demanding. I really want parenting from him and that is not cool 😅🙄
I just received my book yesterday. I am referring all of my friends and clients that need this. Thanks for all that you do.
Wow, we're so happy to hear that! Thank you for being a part of our community :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
I ebb and flow in my therapy, and self healing. The grounding your videos give me when I actually decide to watch them makes me think I'm not crazy for my crappy childhood, but I am crazy for not watching your videos more often! I shut myself out so much mentally sometimes. Every time I dip my toes back in I'm like "this wasn't that scary what was I waiting for?!"
Thank you
We're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy my boyfriend gifted me your book!! I am over the moon!!!
Wow Anna! This is a super important video!!! Her situation and openness about it, and your response that packed in so much compelling information, insights and wisdom. I feel enlightened and reinspired for my own marriage dynamics. THANK YOU for everything. Three years and counting, you and CCF and the DP continually change my life❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for being a part of our community here! -Frida@TeamFairy
thank you for this. i am in this exact situation right now and needed to hear all of this. just found your channel and you’re already changing the way i view my relationships.
Welcome to the channel! -Calista@TeamFairy
Yeah this is helpful and gives me hope. Trying to have a relationship with a fearful avoidant and im anxious preoccupied for sure.
Well, good on you. Someone starts avoiding me for any reason, I'm out!
@@stacyjaye6350I don’t necessarily know if this guy is avoidant. From his perspective, I think he might be afraid to express his feelings because she is getting angry/frustrated with him for wanting space, especially since he seems somewhat worn/stressed out
Wow-so many take aways from this video. Top three for me were: 1. Your definition of co-dependent was so simply stated to the point of immense clarity of my behavior as a kid.
2. Silent treatment was used on me from my Mom and it really messed me up because she did it not to punish my actions, but when I was sharing an observation. I always felt unsafe when talking to mom, never knowing what may set her off.
3. Your statement that our parenting phase is not coming back, that window is closed. That was powerful to hear.
Your Daily Practice and now your book is key to understanding myself since my parenting phase left me with gaping holes.
I am forever grateful to you and your sharing.
I really feel for "Ariel." Regardless of childhood wounds coming up, I hope she learns to honor her unique needs and that she won't settle for a relationship which doesn't meet her needs (which is tough, because it could mean not having a relationship for a while).
Settling in relationships tends to mean we usually are either trying to change the other person, or we are trying to fix ourselves to be able to tolerate the relationship. No longer settling and willing to be alone, in and of itself, is incredibly powerful and healing. It's really difficult too (I'm doing it now)--but if you stick it out, it will force you into truly caring about yourself and making yourself much less susceptible to settling for someone just because he/she can help you in ways you thought you couldn't help yourself. During that time, I recommend having a therapist or support group.
Anxious attachment behaviors can come on full-force with someone who doesn't have the same needs and desires. If he is truly isn't an "anxious attachment,: then ethically, he ought to tell her he can't or doesn't want to meet her relationship needs.
When picking a partner (let alone, a friend), first observe how they live, their habits, choices, behaviors.
For example, I wouldn't pick someone glued to his/her phone or who is hooked on social media beyond intellectual and growth podcasts such as this one.
(I was married to an emotionally-detached person for years. Dealing with him helped me learn to calm down my emotions because he just wouldn't have it. But it didn't change my deep emotional needs. Ideally, Ariel won't tolerate that type of relationship and will learn to regulate herself, such as with The Daily Practice and running things by a therapist or an aware and mature friend.)
My father used to sleep a lot when he came home from work and also on the weekends and it drove my mom crazy. Once I started getting to an age where I was having the same symptoms, I realized it had nothing to do with his wants and desires to sleep it. It had to do with a health issue because I started feeling an overwhelming exhausted tiredness that i couldn't control. It gots to the point where I would have to spend At least one day out of the week And I usually did it Sundays To sleep all day. If I didn't sleep on Sunday by Tuesday I would call in sick because my body hit a wall and I couldn't go any further.
The first lesson I learned in Alanon was: you can't change the alcoholic. The younger you are when you learn you can't change other people, the better. Also, the guy sounds wiling to learn. Woohoo! Celebrate that. Is he perfect? No. But, as the fairy said, it sounds like the relationship has good bones to start with. Not bad for a first romantic relationship; way better than some of my stinkers of relationships.
Just started reading your book 📖
Wow!
So good for me to hear about this topic! ❤🎉
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
what I've finally realized from watching these videos and from my own experience is that wanting to change your partner and having high expectations is kinda a form of imaginary thinking. it's wishful. it's like limerence- not based in reality. sure, people are capable of changing, but we can't MAKE other people change.
I feel like I am definitely a mix of both anxious and avoidant. Sometimes I’m so desperate for love and other times I feel myself withdrawing so much out of fear. This relationship sounds like me & my ex, with me feeling like I couldn’t get enough from him. But in some ways I do feel like I couldn’t get enough from him because he couldn’t be emotionally intimate with me. It’s really difficult
Something very important got missed here imo. She mentioned hanging out with family, and the question I had was does that included the mother? Did she ever apologise and commit to change? If you choose to continue to be be actively involved with the people who caused your trauma when they've not earned your time and energy, "healing" if you could call it that, is a fruitless endeavour. They are the reason bf saying "let me sleep" leads to hurt feelings rather than say empathy/understanding for the fact he's tired. The scrolling on the phone when she's said she wants to spend time together is an issue but directness about this won't feel good or appropriate if she's around people she can't and has never truly been direct with.
What if the person doesn’t care if they are hurting you? Puts no effort in to spending time together. Leaves it all up to you and even like that says they’re busy with work yet find time for other people? In the time spent together, they spend it watching tv, on the phone or on a computer… they’re an ex now but now I question if I was in the wrong?
I don't know you or the situation, but from these few sentences, I believe you were not in the wrong. Many relationships are unfixable. I've had more than one of them. You deserve someone who wants to spend their time with you because they are in love with you and not just for sex. All the best to you.
he/she is just not that into you
It's like at the Dr you tell the nurse everything then forget what all you needed to address and find out later on the ride home or soon as they leave the room you remember something you really wanted addressed and it sucks
This seems like a textbook example of someone who likely has a fearful avoidant/ disorganized attachment style and possibly BPD tendencies dating someone who has a secure attachment style. She is trying to create familiar chaos while he is just trying to understand and adapt.
Thanks for sharing
But how does it hurt when they erase a friend and the friend goes no contact 😢
I have found journaling and other strategies are much better at reassuring me for all the multitudes of worries that come from anxious attachment. But now I am in a situation where the person I’m dating seems to freely and without prompting check the temperature and ask how I feel about them but will not respond with their feelings about me. How can you prevent feeling used ? They get all this attention and reassurance directly from me but I have to just write about it and meditate? Doesn’t really seem fair.
What if both parties have that attachment style? Is there hope?
I think Arielle's BF does love her. He seems to have a great deal of patience for her, especially considering his age. I also think part of her anger towards her parent(s) and their failure to parent her is now being focused on her BF, who may or may not be a somewhat parental figure in her life at the moment. I see a lot of my younger self in Arielle with my first BF, who was mature for a teenager but still a teen nonetheless. Arielle's BF to me seems like he is there for her but he cannot nor should he try to fulfill the role of a parent. He does seem to love her very much while trying to balance meeting her emotional needs with his life. If she continues to demand this much emotional attention from him though, he might decide that it is too much and bail. He sounds like a kind and decent guy though. She has a keeper in him but if she is not careful with her tantrums he might decide to cut bait. It's up to her if she can try to not focus her anger at her parent(s). She has a lot of emotional baggage IMO, and is focused on the wrong person (the BF).
Could this be applied,to some degree,my co-dependant & enabling relationship with my daughter who is in active addiction?
MOST men aren’t fully baked until they’re around 30, so that’s basically the story here
Ive heard veey different definitions of codependent and anxious attachment.... odd.
That's the end of story I'm afraid. Sapolski is rudimentary on this one. :))
She sounds like a borderline
Yep
oh, why do you think so?
She learned to criricize from her mother.
What does “essayed” mean? I’ve never heard that term
“S.A -Sexual Abuse”
It's a censored way to say "sexually assaulted", understood as "S - A" ed.
@@radicalradical7437SA=Satanic Abuse victim.
Sounds like the girl is insecure.
Hey, this is an actual community with real people who write in asking for help and who read all the comments. Would you consider modifying your comment, out of respect for the real person who wrote the letter, and has asked for help?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I appreciate that you try to keep this comments section positive. I know that I have deleted a comment or two of my own. It's easy to project one's own fears and insecurities, ending up feeling adversarial towards a letter writer. I appreciate that you invite us to consider their humanity and point of view.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairyyep I’ll delete it no prob. Was just facts and not being a jerk, but ok.