I remember I learned something at the women's abuse shelter i had to stay in to try to get away from the madness. One counselor said casually, "you can turn yourself into a pretzel for them and it still won't be enough."
My husband is mad today because I bought food. Because "we can't afford" a $5 plate of food. FOOD YALL! FOOD! But he has plenty for his alcohol and tobacco. Plenty for his 30 year old freeloader. This is a tiny drop in 12 years of constant control. Constant badgering. Constant negativity. My stress is so high I developed a heart arrhythmia. I am leaving now. This is about the 10th time. Except this time I have the tools to stay away. His personality is a pattern of about 30 days cycles. He cannot empathize with me. Its about how I hurt him by leaving. He loves me soooo much its killing him to lose me. But it's not my responsibility or YOURS to take care of anyone's emotions. Take back your power. Im damn sure going to. Starting today.
I love your work Dr.Glassmoyer Telling the narcissist that you feel sad is an attack against them. we live in this society and have to learn to ignore them. I asked my brother the practicing narcissist how to piss off a narcissist and he said, ignore them. he would know and we all know, low or no contact with toxic people is the only answer. we don't want to poke the sleeping bear but, we have to escape these monster people some how. that's not why i came to earth. to deal with those miserable minions.
2 years of living with this insane man made me sick for years afterwards. I had night terrors for 10 years and lived looking over my shoulder. It isn't worth staying with someone who is emotionally abusive. They will NEVER change!!!!! Move on with your life and put that train wreck behind you.
True. They cannot empathise. And to hide this lack for a while, in my case, they overempathise about movie stories or newspaper articles. It was sooooo sad what happened in the story to puppy X....keeps then talking for days....but never realize the pain they cause when they just butcher you.
Its five years since I escaped from 30 years of everything you describe..now I see that I was the victim of a narcissistic abuser. You have set me free and given me closure. Now I can start my life again. Thank you.
Emotional abuse I feel like is also him always having to be right.. also when you’re completely innocent in anything and he tries to blame you for something that’s completely out of your control
100%! He knows on a head level that he’s hurting you, but it’s like he’s incapacitated to care or empathize bc he’s so engrossed in managing (or not losing control) of his own hurts...getting his needs met take top priority, so when the partner presents her needs/pains, it’s threatening to his #1 mission.
Am currently in withdrawal from a toxic relationship. If/when I shared my feelings or perspective, it would always be construed as an attack. In his mind, I was always the villain, and he was the victim. Finally off that train to Crazytown!! This video was soooi helpful. Thank you! ❤
Thank you so much. You've helped me so much. I feel like anyone who's abused we try to convince ourself that they aren't so bad or that they aren't aware of their painful behavior. When in reality they are. And that's hard to admit. But once you do realize that , and that they do not care about you. It really is like a light bulb going off.
Thank you for this video, I also was emotionally abused. It lead me to learning about psychology and reading a very important book called 'Why does he do that?'. Always put yourself first and love yourself first. 💖
Scrolling down, I'm amazed that there are so many people who end up in this situation. The world is full of insecure people who need to behave in such a way.
This is one of the best descriptions of this kind of man I’ve ever heard. Even though I completely severed ties a year ago, it still hurts. I didn’t even know people were capable of being so cold and heartless knowingly. Thank you for the reminder to have compassion for myself. I didn’t even know I was in a war. But it’s so obvious now that he was in competition and not in a relationship.
Yep. My husband became very abusive the day after I married him, and it became worse. Physically and mentally, I got a protective order and haven't spoken to him in almost 5 months
despicable disgusting POS all of them ! new subscriber. my ex covert narcissist broke me.. I'm trying to heal find myself again at 67 years old. wasted 17 priceless years of my life and I'm pissed !
OMG, I needed to hear this so much today. This is an almost perfect description of my husband. I recently started going to therapy & my husband feels almost like this is a personal attack against him. Now that he knows that I am taking care of myself and taking some control back in my life, he’s more depressed & angry than ever. It’s just so much to deal with & our marriage is definitely teetering on the edge. I just have to remember not to engage him when he starts to get like this. I just grab the dog & go for a walk or go do something by myself.
Really really well said, it makes so much sense to view these interactions as being driven by a 'win/lose' mentality. When the things they say and do are viewed through this lens it explains so much - the fake crying, the purposeful withdrawal of affection, the faking of their appearance, humour, morals, hobbies, just to scam someone long enough to tick some kind of box in their head. The sense of pride of being able to break the law, to violate a boundary, and then get someone to forgive them again. And even after all that when they win they are deeply unhappy again. It is a waste of a sincere person's time and cares to try and grow anything of substance with an individual like this. The way I left them without guilt was the knowledge that they would truly be 'just fine' without me. There is no attachment in their mind so there is no genuine pain. And while that does feel devastating for a while it is a reality of this world that not every human can feel what you feel. These people have grown up to be significantly psychologically different. But what You can feel is a gift. To have a solid personality, to not have to lie to yourself everyday, to be able to just exist and be at peace, is a true gift. You are important and you deserve a real life, you are the star of the movie of your life, not a supporting character in someone else's tragedy. Your life is so important.
This video is so incredibly on point with exactly what I've experienced! I am now divorced for 8 months after 20 years of this kind of crazy making BS!!
This is so profound. For me, it is my mom who has been toxic in my adult life. Probably at least part of the reason I have been single the whole time. I really wish I could go back and do it again. I guess I just wasn't willing to admit to myself, that someone I loved so deeply could be that way. But I struggled from it from childhood, and it has made me feel like a prisoner in my life. It only gets worse over time, it diminshes life...but in cutting ties with a toxic relationship...gives a new found hope for a future, can hopefully facilitate inner freedom.
Julia Skagfjord wow. I think it's just (if not more) damaging to be raised by a narcissist. Non-narcissistic parents can damage their children in a plethora of ways. Narcissistic parents, 1000% more. My mother is codependent and father was a narcissistic drug addict. She raised me to be just like her. I am learning so much about why things have happened in my life based on how I was taught to think and treat others (like they are more important than me). I'm glad I don't have kids to pass on this wrong way of thinking.
Because I seemed to be a magnet for Narcs because of my childhood, my last boyfriend was the "perfect guy" one day I found out about this woman he was chatting with on his phone. He accused me of "dooping" him. One time he said he was being "open and honest" and dropped the bomb that one of his exes had contacted him for sex. I now work with him. I am looking for another job. This is sick. Just to have him admit that he was moving from the house took a 5 hour circular conversation. I am so tired. I deserve to be happy.
You are brilliant! Thank you for your videos💙 I would like to add some context to commonly stated/described traits: They are ‘charming’ - nope, they are manipulative (not charming, quite the opposite). They are ‘smart’ - nope again, they are manipulative (not smart, too much credit). They are so ‘attentive’ & ‘caring’ - nope, they are manipulative (conditional ‘’attention’ only when serving themselves). They are thugs - yes!!!!!!!, they are manipulative (they are thugs, self explanatory). Release yourself from these conditional manipulative chains, they serve only one, and will forever more. Authentic Peace Love & Care is wished for each & everyone one of you held hostage by these reprehensible dolts. Your job now (when you can), is to not continue to give them love, but rather go no contact (create a safe undisturbed space for yourself), and begin investing nurturing healing loving yourself - whatever works. You will heal into a self-loving fulfilled impenetrable beautiful force - believe it!!! PS: at my weakest I was my strongest b/c I left - I did the work of healing, and am now continuing to thrive live grow with immense gratitude and complete peace of mind. *at my weakest: I did not feel strong (I was beyond wrecked & a sliver away from certain death). My heart thoughts and prayers to you all - very sincerely 💙
Dr Dart you are helping me tremendously and I truly appreciate you! Every time I feel weak or I start blaming myself I go to your videos and you give me the education and clarity that my mind needs. Thank you for helping me save myself.
OMG! I’ve NEVER heard ANYONE speak my life so perfectly!!!! I’ve read self help books, and other TH-cam videos, but you just described my marriage and my husband and my situation to a Tee!!! God bless you, thank you for your knowledge and encouragement.!!!!!
Hi Tangela, I have always spoken to a primarily female audience. This problem can impact anyone despite their gender or the type of relationship they might be in. Thanks for taking the time to leave feedback.💜
Please. Woman are manipulators and takers and seek to control. When they can't control they're VICTIMS. As a divorced man (Initiated by a woman.. 70% of divorce are initiated by women) I have to pay... pay and pay because I wouldn't let a woman control me. Save it.
//8// MGTOW meets Psychology: Sorry you were hurt by someone or by a few. Not all women are the same dear one, just as not all men are the same. No need to go to a war of words against all women. They aren't all enemies....but if you treat them like they all are awful people...the good ones will silently and quickly exit your life when treated poorly, the ones who have also been hurt before may stay (from low self esteem) for awhile while you attack them for your past until they can't take it anymore and the only ones left are the abusive, manipulative women like the ones from your past to keep playing the blaming and victimizing game with. I hope this helps you start fresh with new eyes to see each individual woman with a clean slate and get to know those kind women who have high standards for themselves...values that wouldn't allow them to manipulate you, or allow you to verbally abuse or look for the worst in them all the time either. Otherwise, I think you will keep meeting the kinds of women you hate which will only reinforce your misguided opinions of all women. There are BILLIONS of women in the world. You can't honestly claim they are ALL the same. You dated maybe 100 women maximum right? Open your mind sweetie, so you don't keep hurting yourself this way. Just my opinion. God Bless.
As a man who was burned in every way by a narc. female (the ex wife) I still have to agree with Para's comments. I do believe there are still decent women out there and maybe one day I'll be fortunate to find one. Unfortunately, I think most decent women have been ensnared by narc men. They say opposites attract lol! We live in a society of predators and prey. I was very naive to what narcissism and cluster B types were until my own experiences. I have now completely re-evaluated what used to attract me to women. When I date now, I'm very astute about behavior and the use of language that comes out of my dating partner. These people actually do tell on themselves early in the relationship if you very carefully listen and observe. So I observe her relationships with EVERYONE in her life very carefully. I find out about her past in every way I can, what's her relationship history? why did her past relationships end? I will go as far as contact her ex if I can to gain any insights with the understanding she may have lied about it and played victim as these types do. The ex guy may be biased of course but still there is some knowledge to be gained. I stay guarded about dropping any walls despite her displaying perfect behavior and wait patiently before letting them down all so slowly. If things are well and she treats me well, I do the same for her up to that moment in time. I don't allow for a building of surplus good will from any past perceived good behavior as these narcs try to use it as leverage when they start their devaluation which comes when you least suspect it will and changes on a dime. The minute I see any behavior that is off and makes little to no sense (like an escalated argument from something small, or catch them in a lie, etc...., I'm out the door without looking back! I will never disregard my intuitions again, not ever! The price one pays is too high.
at present I m just going through all the pain, wasted my 13 yrs , a few vedios like this r helping me to know what actually is wrong, as u said, my love n attention is never enough for him, he ll never be satisfied, no matter how hard I try to fix things, nothing changes his behaviour. but now I m trying to figure a way out, I have stopped my efforts on him. I m under healing process hard but trying to create a bubble, setting boundaries, love myself, be good to myself, not to react, not to worry about his insecurity, never feel guilty or shame, take care of myself, not to let his silence punish me..... I feel a little better now, taking help from my friend s n family..... decided to take care of my son(12 yrs old) take care of myself.... gathering my strength n energy.... to start from nothing.... I ll see that he never break my boundaries anymore
I'm so glad I came across your channel. The amount of time and attention I gave him was never enough. I was in grad school, giving him so much of my time I could barely get my homework done. Yet when I was trying to scramble to finish my final papers he said to me, "I need someone who can give me more time." What a loser. Meanwhile it was okay for him to work 80-90 hours a week and be out of town.
I remember going through something very similar years ago. Consider yourself fortunate if he actually moves on. Likely he will be back when he decides he will give you another chance to “give him more time.” 😉You deserve so much better than a one sided vortex of neediness. Congratulations on grad school!
Omg thank you so much you explained it in a way that after 2.5 years of self isolating away from my husband and obsessing for answers you helped me finally understand I was his stability it is there it is clicking in my head. My ex accused me of cheating when I was beside him 24/7 Apparently I was eye fucking people, he never smoozed me to get me back when we fought instead he messed with my car, threw my keys on the garage and then it hit me hard. I remembered seeing my flute in the trees and a pile of dirt on the floor after I swept and thinking I was crazy So good to be free 2.5 years free from Husband with ASPD or as he calls it he doesn’t f-en know anything it starts with an A.
Omg! This is a hurtful and sensitive subject. Time and time again i would let him know how im feeling his response would be " there you go starting that bulls***t again"! Im like really so my feelings are bs wow! He likes to point out everything about me thats wrong and makes me feel undeserving of anything the worst feeling in the world. This is a first for me to experience this kind of interaction with another.
I left my abuser 5 days ago. I also had this question. I really believed he didn’t realize how he was behaving. He knows. I unmasked him 6 months ago. He actually told me he knows exactly who he is (a malignant covert narc), likes who he is and will not change. He also told me he HATES getting any criticism. It enraged him. He has no empathy, sympathy or guilt about anything. We shared my cell phone, a Facebook account, an email account so that he could always monitor my communications. He wouldn’t let me work or even leave the house unless he was with me. He would guilt me into sex, berate me if I bought him the wrong thing, which was always. He was NEVER happy with any gift. Would pretend to be asleep on the couch so that he could overhear conversations. (the conversations were innocuous, I would have said them in front of him.). Once we were by ourselves, he would scream at me for the conversation. He truly is a sick individual.
Tracey, it takes courage to leave and so important that you takes steps now to protect yourself and continue to create the emotional space needed to heal. Is there a topic you'd like me to do a video on that would helpful to you at this time?
emotional abusers are not confined to just amorous relationships. You will find them among friends and siblings. 40 years have gone by, and I recently discovered that a family member is an emotional abuser hence the underlying cause why my siblings and I had unwittingly subjected ourselves to his abusive, sadistic, and controlling ways. But for years, we put up with him and apologizing for him because he had such a bad childhood and was traumatized in the Vietnam war. But no more apologies. Unlike his many therapists who could not diagnose him appropriately, in a recent fallout with him, my siblings and I discovered that his behavior has all the attributes of an emotional abuser. So we gave him an ultimatum: go to psychotherapy or forever leave the family. I feel a great sense of liberation of telling him this but more importantly in discovering the underlying cause that had affected so many in the family for so many years. I don't feel anger, but more a feeling of closure. I can now go about my life with or without my brother. I say this because no one deserves to be in ANY toxic relationship and if he does nothing about his toxic ways, no one can.
You are absolutely right!! A person with a disordered personality wreaks havoc where ever they go. If you are in their inner circle you are at risk of injury. Thanks for your insightful comment.
Hello Dr. Dart. I discovered after my wife left how abusive she was to me. I have not had an outlet to discus the abuse I had to endure over the 26 years we were together and 22 years of marrage. She grew up in a home where her father beat her mother. When her mother was hurt my wife as a child had to be the grownup and take care of her mom and protect her little sister. But my wife ended up the abuser in our marriage. I felt sorry for her. Looking back I realize that she used my sympathy for her to manipulate me. The abuse directed to me was being irrationally jellous and constantly checking up on me. Isolating me from friends and family. She controlled the money and degraded my measly paycheck because she made more money than I did. Throwing things at me. Hitting me in the arms, then chest, then face. Taking my keys so I couldn't leave. I don't know how many times she chased my car down the street while I tried to get away from her. Even from the beginning of the marriage she would tell my friends, her friends, neighbors, etc. that I beat her. I once met with her counselor and the counselor wanted to discus my beating her. I said "I would never beat her". She said yes you did. Then looked at my wife and said "When have I ever beat you?" she responded, "Well I thought you were going to." The counsellor and i said at the same time... thats not the same thing. The counselor was visibly angry with my wife. After she left me she had a guy to sleep with within days. She told me about it. Then had a boyfriend right away which she married right after the divorce. But after she left she went to the police and said I beat her. They granted a restraining order and arrested me. In court all she said was, I don't know what happened all I know is that he hit me. The judged asked her how many times, she said 2. With only the evidence I just told you I was convicted of two simple assaults. I was never believed. I have been devestated for 5 years. I was good to her and I was proud to be her husband. I loved her. I even protected her during the trial. I find myself to this day making excuses for her. I still don't date because it feels like cheating and I still feel that fear of her jellous and ripping into me over whatever was in her imagination. Anyway, I wanted to tell my story to let others know it happens to men as well. And love can be so blind. -Thomas
My mother emotionally abused me my entire life. She is a covert narcissist. Ever since I've figured this out I have realized that my boyfriend's grandfather is also a narcissist. My boyfriend knows this as well. This video described his grandfather exactly. It's sad how his grandmother has gone her entire life being an empath. She has let herself be abused and will not stop. His grandmother is almost done with her life yet has not truly lived. I thank God that I have realized at a young age how badly my mother treated me. My father has also seen it too. My father is divorcing my mother and I am so happy he will not go his entire life under my mother's control.
I wish I knew about the truth of projection earlier in my relationship. I didn't discover this truth gem until after I became fed up with the whole relationship and decided it's best to get out. Now I only focus on my escape. But now knowing this is a type of "narc confession" would have been very helpful tool to have from the beginning.
The greatest way to cure urself is to start loving YOu. then you know what it takes to have and give love, without the knowing...u are lost..u know...what ... simple ...love is all the good things, and the big one is respect...
I’ve tried so hard to get my sister to see these things. I think you so much for this beautiful video to send her from a woman’s point of view . I have no time for bullies. Thank you from a concerned brother.
I have been agonizing over whether to get out of my marriage. You just described what my life has been like for the past 7 years. This brought some clarity for me.
Thank you so much Dr. Denise. Your video was so helpful to me, validating the feelings I had all along. My husband is a master manipulator and bully, plucking away at the very fibers of my soul.
I saw some jealousy prior to marriage, but the day we married, it became EXPLOSIVE!!! Of course his mommy and dad rescued him AS ALWAYS....they still do. Dysfunctional family!! Mommie raised him to be narcissistic and NEVER accept responsibility for anything he ever said or did!! Wonder who they blame for his 17 yrs in prison when I wasn't around! They raised his son the same way with the same results. The Bible says we are each responsible for our own actions and are to claim them and repent. If you are in a toxic relationship, please get help and get out. God be with you on your journey to healing.
What a compassionate person you are, Denise. Very glad I’ve found you. The abuse you describe isn’t only between men and women but between men and men too. I stayed in such a relationship for 20 years with a man I loved, and he broke my heart. Now I’m sifting through the rubble trying to understand how I let it happen. Your video describes perfectly how it was with him.
Thank you Andrew for taking the time to leave feedback. This is not a gender specific problem and can occurs in my relationship. My channel simply speaks to a primarily female audience. It’s so painful. Glad you found my channel and hopefully you can find help and healing despite the pronouns 💜
Thank you so much. You totally described my husband and I now know probably how difficult it's gonna be to get divorced too. It's hurting that today the guy has no respect and is bashing me down telling that you should have researched before getting married to a depressed guy ? Like this is how your love rewards you for all the sacrifices I have done and shocking his family is all his support! White lies are flowing like white wine from their mouths. Today am with my parents and till today we kept thinking why he is so wierd in a way that any layman can understand.. thank you to you Doctor that I understood cuz I have gone through this. It was a satisfaction to know that my husband would not have respected any if I would have also tried to stay longer. Today or tomorrow it was goin to happen and it happening already. Doc, do you have to say how we can move on and let go and how to recover from this situation.. if any video on this I will have a direction in my life. Again thanking you.
So glad to be free of this exact type of person . God has healed me and brought me so far in last 6 nearly 7 years. It is amazing the support is there that you don’t realise would be.
I went through that very same ADAM scenario. I proved it and he still said you erased it you called the phone company. At that time i was just trying to figure it out. Lord help us.
This is the 1st video of yours I have watched and I found it very helpful! I need to learn to the skills needed to heal and protect myself from this happening again.
I’m going through this with my 20 year marriage. Its turned into a daily thing now for him to put me down any chance he gets. Outside of the home everyone thinks he’s such a great person. Occasionally he Comes home with scratches all over his body. I don’t even question it anymore. I’m so stuck because I’m financially dependent on him now but when I met him he had absolutely nothing, I had my own place and car and was the sole provider for the first half of our marriage. The worst part is we are both on methadone, he introduced me to opiates at 18 and though I am the one who chose to take it, so I’m not placing blame on him, because I made that choice. I was addicted immediately. The fact that I’m dependent on this medication makes things even worse.Ive been on this stuff since 2001 and I’m 39 now, basically half my life and my whole marriage basically, and it isn’t. Cheap at $400 a month per person. So it’s $800 a month. If it weren’t for my grandson I don’t think I’d still be here. I find myself thinking about death a lot. I think about it in a daily basis now. . He didn’t want me to work.. I am trying so hard to get myself out of this mess, I’ve started working on my credit, If it wasn’t for the financial stuff, I’d get my 2 yr old gradbaby, that ive raised since the first week of his life and I’d be SOOOO EFFING gone. I’m So So miserable. I don’t drive because I lost my license soon after I met him, when I met him he didn’t have his, he had lost his. So I had a bad accident that was my fault, and it happened after a night of him fighting with me, this was the first year we were together and we had been drinking and was so upset crying and just wanted to leave, so on the way home had a near fatal car accident. I owed so much money for restitution for that, that to this day I still haven’t got my license back, I’m able to get it back now but I have to wait till I have a income of my own. So because of that I literally do not leave this house. Unless I’m going to take the baby to the dr or to the grocery store. I’m probably the palest person you’ve ever seen. I have really got myself into such a mess I don’t foresee ever getting out of it. I tell my girls I have 3 kids the youngest of which has recently turned 18 “I was particularly waiting in her to turn 18 so I could start making my moves” I have 2 girls and one boy. My son is in college out of state and my oldest is out on her own and my youngest is at home and working and about to start college. I tell my girls all the time Never let yourself get into a situation where you’re depending on a man, or anyone for that matter. And I’m proud to see that I know they get it, and I’m confident in saying I don’t think they will ever fall into that.
Wow!! This is spot on.... being charming around everyone else and acting like nothing every happened later. The deflection and changing of the subject. About everything being about losing and winning. He always says.. so you think your winning? The bragging about how hes hurt you or someone else.How he liked that you were caring because he knew he could never and was trying to fill a void. And hate when your giving and being nice to someone else. And the only time he would break down is when he thought he was gonna lose something. Because your his stability and more. Which i always knew was crap. And i love how you say take care of yourself first and care about the people that actually love you. Because when going through something like this people do change without realizing and the people who care , get gaslighted and pushed to the side because it causes denial as well. So if youre in this situation , please GET OUT!! And dont sympathize with your abuser. Because thats all theyll ever be. ...Put yourself first. Because in the end the only person you have is YOURSELF and others who truely love you beyond words can express
Clint, thank you for your comment. You are absolutely right this is not a gender specific issue, however the way it gets expressed does have nuances. I speak primarily to females on this channel and am creating a separate channel that speaks primarily to men. Both are welcome at either channel as long as you can get past the gender specific pronouns. I find the message and a sense of safety get watered down when I try to speak to males and females simultaneously. Additionally there are same sex couples with this problem; narcissistic parents, bosses, coworkers etc. I will over time create specific areas to be able to speak more directly to each individual. I hope this makes sense and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to write. All the best! Glad you found my videos, hope you'll keep listening and look for the channel for men next month. All the best 💜
Dr. Denise Dart I think most are aware this disorder affects both genders. It would be too time consuming to address both. Viewers should focus on the message and apply it to the gender in their situation.
This holds SO TRUE. A close friend has been in an emotionally abusive marriage with a manipulative, control freak for 35 years. He swings from being "sad and pathetic" to bullying hateful looks and snipes- whatever works. She has turned herself into a pretzel for him and hes still unhappy with her- YET he wants them glued together at the hip! I do believe, in some sad way, they are both getting SOMETHING out of this relationship. I have to learn to accept that this is how she has chosen -or been brainwashed- to live her life..
Wow thats was great!! you must be a fly on my wall! This is my ex to be exactly & I’ve said crying all of what you said to him so many times, & got his famous response “ why do you always have to start”wish i would’ve known it was because he is a narcissist, i thought it was because he is a drug addict & i was trying to suck it up & stand by him expecting him to get help. So happy i know now & learned, moving out finally as soon as my new place is ready. So draining & soul sucking it was for 12 long years. Its hard to grasp how people can be so cruel & cold towards others & not feel a thing about it. I know now its a reflection of his childhood but i didnt have such a great childhood either, how come some people can make sure they dont turn out like there parents & others are exactly there parents?
Sooooo true so true!! It was great... then emotional... then physical... I had bruises all over and he couldn't out what I was talking about when I said he hurt me. He always talked about how much better he was than everyone else. Everyone around me saw this... it took me way too long... and I supported him financially, buying him whatever he asked for and he didn't see a problem with that either matter fact he was proud of the fact other women had spent much more on him. I finally walked away as if he never existed... I am worth more than he ever will be.
i recently separated from my husband after 13 years . and right now his at a desperate point and now he threatens me pretty often. is hard but it is so far the best decision for me and my 4 kiddos, thank u for all your beautiful words, it gives me more strenght to go forward in this new path that i chose for my kids and for my self. thank u
this is so hard. growing up with narcisstic parents a conversation always has to lead to "it's more important to be right than to be loved" and this is breaking my neck in communicating with more or less healthy people these days. they are speaking such a different language.
Response to: Inside the Mind of an Emotional Abuser. I Thankyou for this Very Helpful and Loving Video. I only Wish that I saw this when My Mother was Alive. I think my Dad was a Narcissist. And I did Not Fully " Understand" the DEPTH of my Mother's Emotional Pain until " I" Myself went through it in My Own Relationship! Yes the person gets So beaten down in their Self Esteem they cannot or do Not want to leave. My Mother was So " in Love" with My Dad. I know the Beginning was So Magical for My Mother as well. We Do keep Reliving those Blissful Moments. We must Love Ourself. My Good Dear Friend had Died during me trying to figure things out. I did Thank God Visit my Good Friend ( Not the Narcissist) in the Hospital. I Miss that Healthy " Normal" Friendships. I Miss my Mother who loved Me " Unconditionally" and who Respected Me! Thanks for this. I Do need to Work on myself and my Neglected Health. Take Care. I Still love this person. So It is Very Hard. Thankyou for giving Us People " Hope". I got through this before When I was Younger. I Will with God's Help and love get through this Again.
oh, and thank you, Doctor, for you've accurately described this kind of a human being! i cannot even conceive such a kind of mind!!! i, myself, no longer have any feelings (bad or good) for such an anomaly. just having vacated his type of "DODGE" suffices me.
oh my word.... somehow I came across your videos you are really talking about my ex to a T. Exactly!! He became so predictable to me after while and after this on and off 8 years relationship or whatever it was I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the abuse. He still does little things to try and get me to react. But I do not react. Internally though it stings but I don't show it. I deal with the pain at home because worst part of it all is I work with him. Worst mistake of my life was to allow myself to go out with him. I feel very dead inside still trying to figure out how to reverse all he did to me emotionally and mentally. When I see him I am disgusted with myself because I see who he really is. Still trying to figure out how to cleanse myself of all the pain... I've become very anti-social and isolated.
My late husband was covert: he came off as very quiet, soft spoken, refined even, but at home he would let it loose, using language I’d never heard the nastiest people use. His control manifested itself in the way of sneakiness, lying and omitting. I never had a straight answer from him the entire time we were together (18 years). The craziness did settle down over the years but he could still never be straight with me. I never gave up hope, sadly, although part of me just became numb and I focussed on other things like my job and my pets. People used to feel sorry for him because he was older and had health issues, appearing as the meek, gentle, long-suffering gentleman, while I looked like the bad one because I was younger, healthier and often angry, overtly so. I didn’t like myself like this but I was so frustrated, so disappointed and tired of trying to fix the messes he made, make things better or have a good, normal life. Thank you Dr. Denise.
Hello from France. I''m a 46--year-old woman. My yougest brother is exactly this kind of individual. We grew up in a very violent, narcissistic family dynamic. My father was really violent. And my mother is a cover narc. Well, I guess that my brother just took my father as an example. Brutal, keeping cheating with every girl friend, you named it! Because of the way he treated me, I stopped having my period for 4 months. I was just 32 years old back then. And I have no kids... Well, my point is, I'm really surprised to see the way he deliberately turned, as he saw our mother constantly assault by our father. I mean with a knife ect... When these kind of individuals will learn that it's not a way to treat human? Peace
Personality development is complex and at times can seem almost counterintuitive on the surface. It sounds like you have made a conscious choice for yourself. 💜
My situation which has traumatized me to no end makes me feel unwell I am unwell numerous health problems 26 yrs finally now getting support with an ending that has changed the person I used to be into someone I am not .I am trying to trust but very difficult but let me tell you I will never be in a relationship with anyone ever this has damaged me to MY CORE !!!YOU TOYALLY UNDERSTAND LIKE NOBODY I HAVE EVER MET
OMG he always says I'm attacking him. When I've tried to explain how he's hurting me.
I know exactly what you mean.
I remember I learned something at the women's abuse shelter i had to stay in to try to get away from the madness. One counselor said casually, "you can turn yourself into a pretzel for them and it still won't be enough."
My husband is mad today because I bought food. Because "we can't afford" a $5 plate of food. FOOD YALL! FOOD! But he has plenty for his alcohol and tobacco. Plenty for his 30 year old freeloader. This is a tiny drop in 12 years of constant control. Constant badgering. Constant negativity. My stress is so high I developed a heart arrhythmia. I am leaving now. This is about the 10th time. Except this time I have the tools to stay away. His personality is a pattern of about 30 days cycles. He cannot empathize with me. Its about how I hurt him by leaving. He loves me soooo much its killing him to lose me. But it's not my responsibility or YOURS to take care of anyone's emotions. Take back your power. Im damn sure going to. Starting today.
I wish we could put their names on a list for all to see!
doesn't matter how cute and charming they are, or how pathetic he looks.
it's real. they are on the verge of insanity.
This woman just saved my life!!! Thanks for the understanding of this all
I love your work Dr.Glassmoyer Telling the narcissist that you feel sad is an attack against them. we live in this society and have to learn to ignore them.
I asked my brother the practicing narcissist how to piss off a narcissist and he said, ignore them. he would know and we all know, low or no contact with toxic people is the only answer. we don't want to poke the sleeping bear but, we have to escape these monster people some how. that's not why i came to earth. to deal with those miserable minions.
2 years of living with this insane man made me sick for years afterwards. I had night terrors for 10 years and lived looking over my shoulder. It isn't worth staying with someone who is emotionally abusive. They will NEVER change!!!!! Move on with your life and put that train wreck behind you.
True. They cannot empathise. And to hide this lack for a while, in my case, they overempathise about movie stories or newspaper articles. It was sooooo sad what happened in the story to puppy X....keeps then talking for days....but never realize the pain they cause when they just butcher you.
Its five years since I escaped from 30 years of everything you describe..now I see that I was the victim of a narcissistic abuser. You have set me free and given me closure. Now I can start my life again. Thank you.
C J,You deserve better
Emotional abuse I feel like is also him always having to be right.. also when you’re completely innocent in anything and he tries to blame you for something that’s completely out of your control
100%! He knows on a head level that he’s hurting you, but it’s like he’s incapacitated to care or empathize bc he’s so engrossed in managing (or not losing control) of his own hurts...getting his needs met take top priority, so when the partner presents her needs/pains, it’s threatening to his #1 mission.
Am currently in withdrawal from a toxic relationship. If/when I shared my feelings or perspective, it would always be construed as an attack. In his mind, I was always the villain, and he was the victim. Finally off that train to Crazytown!! This video was soooi helpful. Thank you! ❤
Thank you so much. You've helped me so much. I feel like anyone who's abused we try to convince ourself that they aren't so bad or that they aren't aware of their painful behavior. When in reality they are. And that's hard to admit. But once you do realize that , and that they do not care about you. It really is like a light bulb going off.
Thank you for this video, I also was emotionally abused. It lead me to learning about psychology and reading a very important book called 'Why does he do that?'. Always put yourself first and love yourself first. 💖
That is an excellent book! Lundy Bancroft is a brilliant author. I enjoyed that book as well.
Leave lady. He knows exactly what he's doing, and sad to say probably enjoys your discomfort/confusion, with glee
You explained very well exactly why it changes so quickly. I was TOTALLY caught off guard.
Scrolling down, I'm amazed that there are so many people who end up in this situation. The world is full of insecure people who need to behave in such a way.
This is one of the best descriptions of this kind of man I’ve ever heard. Even though I completely severed ties a year ago, it still hurts. I didn’t even know people were capable of being so cold and heartless knowingly. Thank you for the reminder to have compassion for myself. I didn’t even know I was in a war. But it’s so obvious now that he was in competition and not in a relationship.
Yep. My husband became very abusive the day after I married him, and it became worse. Physically and mentally, I got a protective order and haven't spoken to him in almost 5 months
Thank u for helping by educating. ...Their behavior is not normal....it doesn't change for the better..just get out for your own good..
despicable disgusting POS all of them ! new subscriber. my ex covert narcissist broke me.. I'm trying to heal find myself again at 67 years old. wasted 17 priceless years of my life and I'm pissed !
Sometimes the emotional abuser is a sibling, it's not always a spouse etc 👍🏻
THIS.
You did a wonderful job at explaining/elaborating on this type of scenario.
He whistles like he's happy after he has irritated me.
@Oil of Joy I can relate my Dear. They just know how to push your buttons. Sick people like the virus the World is battling with now 🙈👍❤
Journey Called Life - Omg... mine does too.
Invalidation.
Women can be abusers as well.
OMG, I needed to hear this so much today. This is an almost perfect description of my husband. I recently started going to therapy & my husband feels almost like this is a personal attack against him. Now that he knows that I am taking care of myself and taking some control back in my life, he’s more depressed & angry than ever. It’s just so much to deal with & our marriage is definitely teetering on the edge. I just have to remember not to engage him when he starts to get like this. I just grab the dog & go for a walk or go do something by myself.
Really really well said, it makes so much sense to view these interactions as being driven by a 'win/lose' mentality. When the things they say and do are viewed through this lens it explains so much - the fake crying, the purposeful withdrawal of affection, the faking of their appearance, humour, morals, hobbies, just to scam someone long enough to tick some kind of box in their head. The sense of pride of being able to break the law, to violate a boundary, and then get someone to forgive them again. And even after all that when they win they are deeply unhappy again. It is a waste of a sincere person's time and cares to try and grow anything of substance with an individual like this. The way I left them without guilt was the knowledge that they would truly be 'just fine' without me. There is no attachment in their mind so there is no genuine pain. And while that does feel devastating for a while it is a reality of this world that not every human can feel what you feel. These people have grown up to be significantly psychologically different. But what You can feel is a gift. To have a solid personality, to not have to lie to yourself everyday, to be able to just exist and be at peace, is a true gift.
You are important and you deserve a real life, you are the star of the movie of your life, not a supporting character in someone else's tragedy. Your life is so important.
So eloquently stated! 💜
This video is so incredibly on point with exactly what I've experienced! I am now divorced for 8 months after 20 years of this kind of crazy making BS!!
This is so profound. For me, it is my mom who has been toxic in my adult life. Probably at least part of the reason I have been single the whole time. I really wish I could go back and do it again. I guess I just wasn't willing to admit to myself, that someone I loved so deeply could be that way. But I struggled from it from childhood, and it has made me feel like a prisoner in my life. It only gets worse over time, it diminshes life...but in cutting ties with a toxic relationship...gives a new found hope for a future, can hopefully facilitate inner freedom.
Julia Skagfjord wow. I think it's just (if not more) damaging to be raised by a narcissist. Non-narcissistic parents can damage their children in a plethora of ways. Narcissistic parents, 1000% more. My mother is codependent and father was a narcissistic drug addict. She raised me to be just like her. I am learning so much about why things have happened in my life based on how I was taught to think and treat others (like they are more important than me). I'm glad I don't have kids to pass on this wrong way of thinking.
Because I seemed to be a magnet for Narcs because of my childhood, my last boyfriend was the "perfect guy" one day I found out about this woman he was chatting with on his phone. He accused me of "dooping" him. One time he said he was being "open and honest" and dropped the bomb that one of his exes had contacted him for sex. I now work with him. I am looking for another job. This is sick. Just to have him admit that he was moving from the house took a 5 hour circular conversation. I am so tired. I deserve to be happy.
You are brilliant! Thank you for your videos💙
I would like to add some context to commonly stated/described traits:
They are ‘charming’ - nope, they are manipulative (not charming, quite the opposite).
They are ‘smart’ - nope again, they are manipulative (not smart, too much credit).
They are so ‘attentive’ & ‘caring’ - nope, they are manipulative (conditional ‘’attention’ only when serving themselves).
They are thugs - yes!!!!!!!, they are manipulative (they are thugs, self explanatory).
Release yourself from these conditional manipulative chains, they serve only one, and will forever more.
Authentic Peace Love & Care is wished for each & everyone one of you held hostage by these reprehensible dolts.
Your job now (when you can), is to not continue to give them love, but rather go no contact (create a safe undisturbed space for yourself), and begin investing nurturing healing loving yourself - whatever works.
You will heal into a self-loving fulfilled impenetrable beautiful force - believe it!!!
PS: at my weakest I was my strongest b/c I left - I did the work of healing, and am now continuing to thrive live grow with immense gratitude and complete peace of mind.
*at my weakest: I did not feel strong (I was beyond wrecked & a sliver away from certain death).
My heart thoughts and prayers to you all - very sincerely 💙
Dr Dart you are helping me tremendously and I truly appreciate you! Every time I feel weak or I start blaming myself I go to your videos and you give me the education and clarity that my mind needs. Thank you for helping me save myself.
OMG! I’ve NEVER heard ANYONE speak my life so perfectly!!!! I’ve read self help books, and other TH-cam videos, but you just described my marriage and my husband and my situation to a Tee!!! God bless you, thank you for your knowledge and encouragement.!!!!!
Thank you for being bold enough to keep your taking points to male abusers only. It's taboo to do so these days, but I think it's necessary.
Hi Tangela, I have always spoken to a primarily female audience. This problem can impact anyone despite their gender or the type of relationship they might be in. Thanks for taking the time to leave feedback.💜
You described my husband as if you were living in my shoes. I honestly cried through over half of this video.
This has been my experience with every single man. Literally, no exaggeration.
You are a life saver. Thank you for this video.
You have a healing voice yourself Doc, needed this badly... thank you
This is so painful to watch, these videos are the best I have ever seen on this topic. Thank you!
You are welcome Annette!
Please. Woman are manipulators and takers and seek to control. When they can't control they're VICTIMS. As a divorced man (Initiated by a woman.. 70% of divorce are initiated by women) I have to pay... pay and pay because I wouldn't let a woman control me. Save it.
//8// MGTOW meets Psychology: Sorry you were hurt by someone or by a few. Not all women are the same dear one, just as not all men are the same. No need to go to a war of words against all women. They aren't all enemies....but if you treat them like they all are awful people...the good ones will silently and quickly exit your life when treated poorly, the ones who have also been hurt before may stay (from low self esteem) for awhile while you attack them for your past until they can't take it anymore and the only ones left are the abusive, manipulative women like the ones from your past to keep playing the blaming and victimizing game with. I hope this helps you start fresh with new eyes to see each individual woman with a clean slate and get to know those kind women who have high standards for themselves...values that wouldn't allow them to manipulate you, or allow you to verbally abuse or look for the worst in them all the time either. Otherwise, I think you will keep meeting the kinds of women you hate which will only reinforce your misguided opinions of all women. There are BILLIONS of women in the world. You can't honestly claim they are ALL the same. You dated maybe 100 women maximum right? Open your mind sweetie, so you don't keep hurting yourself this way. Just my opinion. God Bless.
As a man who was burned in every way by a narc. female (the ex wife) I still have to agree with Para's comments. I do believe there are still decent women out there and maybe one day I'll be fortunate to find one. Unfortunately, I think most decent women have been ensnared by narc men. They say opposites attract lol! We live in a society of predators and prey.
I was very naive to what narcissism and cluster B types were until my own experiences. I have now completely re-evaluated what used to attract me to women. When I date now, I'm very astute about behavior and the use of language that comes out of my dating partner. These people actually do tell on themselves early in the relationship if you very carefully listen and observe. So I observe her relationships with EVERYONE in her life very carefully. I find out about her past in every way I can, what's her relationship history? why did her past relationships end? I will go as far as contact her ex if I can to gain any insights with the understanding she may have lied about it and played victim as these types do. The ex guy may be biased of course but still there is some knowledge to be gained.
I stay guarded about dropping any walls despite her displaying perfect behavior and wait patiently before letting them down all so slowly. If things are well and she treats me well, I do the same for her up to that moment in time. I don't allow for a building of surplus good will from any past perceived good behavior as these narcs try to use it as leverage when they start their devaluation which comes when you least suspect it will and changes on a dime. The minute I see any behavior that is off and makes little to no sense (like an escalated argument from something small, or catch them in a lie, etc...., I'm out the door without looking back! I will never disregard my intuitions again, not ever! The price one pays is too high.
Every bit of wisdom from life experiences helps everyone else be weary. Thanks for sharing!
at present I m just going through all the pain, wasted my 13 yrs , a few vedios like this r helping me to know what actually is wrong, as u said, my love n attention is never enough for him, he ll never be satisfied, no matter how hard I try to fix things, nothing changes his behaviour.
but now I m trying to figure a way out, I have stopped my efforts on him.
I m under healing process
hard but trying to create a bubble, setting boundaries, love myself, be good to myself, not to react, not to worry about his insecurity, never feel guilty or shame, take care of myself, not to let his silence punish me.....
I feel a little better now,
taking help from my friend s n family.....
decided to take care of my son(12 yrs old)
take care of myself....
gathering my strength n energy....
to start from nothing....
I ll see that he never break my boundaries anymore
I'm so glad I came across your channel. The amount of time and attention I gave him was never enough. I was in grad school, giving him so much of my time I could barely get my homework done. Yet when I was trying to scramble to finish my final papers he said to me, "I need someone who can give me more time." What a loser. Meanwhile it was okay for him to work 80-90 hours a week and be out of town.
I remember going through something very similar years ago. Consider yourself fortunate if he actually moves on. Likely he will be back when he decides he will give you another chance to “give him more time.” 😉You deserve so much better than a one sided vortex of neediness. Congratulations on grad school!
@@DrDeniseDart thank you so much!
Omg thank you so much you explained it in a way that after 2.5 years of self isolating away from my husband and obsessing for answers you helped me finally understand I was his stability it is there it is clicking in my head. My ex accused me of cheating when I was beside him 24/7 Apparently I was eye fucking people, he never smoozed me to get me back when we fought instead he messed with my car, threw my keys on the garage and then it hit me hard. I remembered seeing my flute in the trees and a pile of dirt on the floor after I swept and thinking I was crazy So good to be free 2.5 years free from Husband with ASPD or as he calls it he doesn’t f-en know anything it starts with an A.
How therapeutic, you literally defined him. This was a gift, thank you X
Omg! This is a hurtful and sensitive subject. Time and time again i would let him know how im feeling his response would be " there you go starting that bulls***t again"! Im like really so my feelings are bs wow! He likes to point out everything about me thats wrong and makes me feel undeserving of anything the worst feeling in the world. This is a first for me to experience this kind of interaction with another.
Melissa,you are too beautiful 🌹🌹🥀🥀🥀🌹🌹🌹to be with such man
This is the most accurate and understandable description of what goes on in this relationship.
Thank you for your kind feedback Chrisy. I'm glad to hear you found my work to be helpful.
I left my abuser 5 days ago. I also had this question. I really believed he didn’t realize how he was behaving. He knows. I unmasked him 6 months ago. He actually told me he knows exactly who he is (a malignant covert narc), likes who he is and will not change. He also told me he HATES getting any criticism. It enraged him. He has no empathy, sympathy or guilt about anything. We shared my cell phone, a Facebook account, an email account so that he could always monitor my communications. He wouldn’t let me work or even leave the house unless he was with me. He would guilt me into sex, berate me if I bought him the wrong thing, which was always. He was NEVER happy with any gift. Would pretend to be asleep on the couch so that he could overhear conversations. (the conversations were innocuous, I would have said them in front of him.). Once we were by ourselves, he would scream at me for the conversation. He truly is a sick individual.
Tracey, it takes courage to leave and so important that you takes steps now to protect yourself and continue to create the emotional space needed to heal. Is there a topic you'd like me to do a video on that would helpful to you at this time?
emotional abusers are not confined to just amorous relationships. You will find them among friends and siblings.
40 years have gone by, and I recently discovered that a family member is an emotional abuser hence the underlying cause
why my siblings and I had unwittingly subjected ourselves to his abusive, sadistic, and controlling ways. But for years, we put up with him and apologizing for him because he had such a bad childhood and was traumatized in the Vietnam war. But no more apologies. Unlike his many therapists who could not diagnose him appropriately, in a recent fallout with him, my siblings and I discovered that his behavior has all the attributes of an emotional abuser. So we gave him an ultimatum: go to psychotherapy or forever leave the family. I feel a great sense of liberation of telling him this but more importantly in discovering the underlying cause that had affected so many in the family for so many years. I don't feel anger, but more a feeling of closure. I can now go about my life with or without my brother. I say this because no one deserves to be in ANY toxic relationship and if he does nothing about his toxic ways, no one can.
You are absolutely right!! A person with a disordered personality wreaks havoc where ever they go. If you are in their inner circle you are at risk of injury. Thanks for your insightful comment.
Hello Dr. Dart. I discovered after my wife left how abusive she was to me. I have not had an outlet to discus the abuse I had to endure over the 26 years we were together and 22 years of marrage. She grew up in a home where her father beat her mother. When her mother was hurt my wife as a child had to be the grownup and take care of her mom and protect her little sister. But my wife ended up the abuser in our marriage. I felt sorry for her. Looking back I realize that she used my sympathy for her to manipulate me. The abuse directed to me was being irrationally jellous and constantly checking up on me. Isolating me from friends and family. She controlled the money and degraded my measly paycheck because she made more money than I did. Throwing things at me. Hitting me in the arms, then chest, then face. Taking my keys so I couldn't leave. I don't know how many times she chased my car down the street while I tried to get away from her. Even from the beginning of the marriage she would tell my friends, her friends, neighbors, etc. that I beat her. I once met with her counselor and the counselor wanted to discus my beating her. I said "I would never beat her". She said yes you did. Then looked at my wife and said "When have I ever beat you?" she responded, "Well I thought you were going to." The counsellor and i said at the same time... thats not the same thing. The counselor was visibly angry with my wife. After she left me she had a guy to sleep with within days. She told me about it. Then had a boyfriend right away which she married right after the divorce. But after she left she went to the police and said I beat her. They granted a restraining order and arrested me. In court all she said was, I don't know what happened all I know is that he hit me. The judged asked her how many times, she said 2. With only the evidence I just told you I was convicted of two simple assaults. I was never believed. I have been devestated for 5 years. I was good to her and I was proud to be her husband. I loved her. I even protected her during the trial. I find myself to this day making excuses for her. I still don't date because it feels like cheating and I still feel that fear of her jellous and ripping into me over whatever was in her imagination. Anyway, I wanted to tell my story to let others know it happens to men as well. And love can be so blind. -Thomas
My mother emotionally abused me my entire life. She is a covert narcissist. Ever since I've figured this out I have realized that my boyfriend's grandfather is also a narcissist. My boyfriend knows this as well. This video described his grandfather exactly. It's sad how his grandmother has gone her entire life being an empath. She has let herself be abused and will not stop. His grandmother is almost done with her life yet has not truly lived. I thank God that I have realized at a young age how badly my mother treated me. My father has also seen it too. My father is divorcing my mother and I am so happy he will not go his entire life under my mother's control.
I wish I knew about the truth of projection earlier in my relationship. I didn't discover this truth gem until after I became fed up with the whole relationship and decided it's best to get out. Now I only focus on my escape. But now knowing this is a type of "narc confession" would have been very helpful tool to have from the beginning.
Bless you for explaining this horrible situation.
The greatest way to cure urself is to start loving YOu. then you know what it takes to have and give love, without the knowing...u are lost..u know...what ... simple ...love is all the good things, and the big one is respect...
I’ve tried so hard to get my sister to see these things. I think you so much for this beautiful video to send her from a woman’s point of view . I have no time for bullies. Thank you from a concerned brother.
Your sister is lucky to have such a caring brother 💜
I watched a lot of these videos and you are good. You was concise and very clear and I appreciate you. Thank you!
I have been agonizing over whether to get out of my marriage. You just described what my life has been like for the past 7 years. This brought some clarity for me.
It is so true what you say Denise. I sit also with a wife that is an emotional abuser. But there is a time you say enough is enough.
she described my dad and my parents' relationship -- what a nightmare to be his daughter
Thank you so much Dr. Denise. Your video was so helpful to me, validating the feelings I had all along. My husband is a master manipulator and bully, plucking away at the very fibers of my soul.
I saw some jealousy prior to marriage, but the day we married, it became EXPLOSIVE!!! Of course his mommy and dad rescued him AS ALWAYS....they still do. Dysfunctional family!! Mommie raised him to be narcissistic and NEVER accept responsibility for anything he ever said or did!! Wonder who they blame for his 17 yrs in prison when I wasn't around! They raised his son the same way with the same results. The Bible says we are each responsible for our own actions and are to claim them and repent. If you are in a toxic relationship, please get help and get out. God be with you on your journey to healing.
What a compassionate person you are, Denise. Very glad I’ve found you. The abuse you describe isn’t only between men and women but between men and men too. I stayed in such a relationship for 20 years with a man I loved, and he broke my heart. Now I’m sifting through the rubble trying to understand how I let it happen. Your video describes perfectly how it was with him.
Thank you Andrew for taking the time to leave feedback. This is not a gender specific problem and can occurs in my relationship. My channel simply speaks to a primarily female audience. It’s so painful. Glad you found my channel and hopefully you can find help and healing despite the pronouns 💜
Absolutely it could look like Adam. In a healthy relationship it wouldn't go immediately into accuse and attack mode.
Thank you so much. You totally described my husband and I now know probably how difficult it's gonna be to get divorced too. It's hurting that today the guy has no respect and is bashing me down telling that you should have researched before getting married to a depressed guy ? Like this is how your love rewards you for all the sacrifices I have done and shocking his family is all his support! White lies are flowing like white wine from their mouths. Today am with my parents and till today we kept thinking why he is so wierd in a way that any layman can understand.. thank you to you Doctor that I understood cuz I have gone through this. It was a satisfaction to know that my husband would not have respected any if I would have also tried to stay longer. Today or tomorrow it was goin to happen and it happening already. Doc, do you have to say how we can move on and let go and how to recover from this situation.. if any video on this I will have a direction in my life. Again thanking you.
Very insightful & meaningful! Thank you!
Great video. This can apply to men who are victims as well. Let's all recover.
So glad to be free of this exact type of person . God has healed me and brought me so far in last 6 nearly 7 years. It is amazing the support is there that you don’t realise would be.
I can’t tell you how relevant this video is. I want to simply say thank you so much for this. It was everything I needed to hear and more!
I went through that very same ADAM scenario. I proved it and he still said you erased it you called the phone company. At that time i was just trying to figure it out. Lord help us.
This is the 1st video of yours I have watched and I found it very helpful! I need to learn to the skills needed to heal and protect myself from this happening again.
I’m going through this with my 20 year marriage. Its turned into a daily thing now for him to put me down any chance he gets. Outside of the home everyone thinks he’s such a great person. Occasionally he Comes home with scratches all over his body. I don’t even question it anymore. I’m so stuck because I’m financially dependent on him now but when I met him he had absolutely nothing, I had my own place and car and was the sole provider for the first half of our marriage. The worst part is we are both on methadone, he introduced me to opiates at 18 and though I am the one who chose to take it, so I’m not placing blame on him, because I made that choice. I was addicted immediately. The fact that I’m dependent on this medication makes things even worse.Ive been on this stuff since 2001 and I’m 39 now, basically half my life and my whole marriage basically, and it isn’t. Cheap at $400 a month per person. So it’s $800 a month. If it weren’t for my grandson I don’t think I’d still be here. I find myself thinking about death a lot. I think about it in a daily basis now.
. He didn’t want me to work.. I am trying so hard to get myself out of this mess, I’ve started working on my credit, If it wasn’t for the financial stuff, I’d get my 2 yr old gradbaby, that ive raised since the first week of his life and I’d be SOOOO EFFING gone. I’m So So miserable. I don’t drive because I lost my license soon after I met him, when I met him he didn’t have his, he had lost his. So I had a bad accident that was my fault, and it happened after a night of him fighting with me, this was the first year we were together and we had been drinking and was so upset crying and just wanted to leave, so on the way home had a near fatal car accident. I owed so much money for restitution for that, that to this day I still haven’t got my license back, I’m able to get it back now but I have to wait till I have a income of my own. So because of that I literally do not leave this house. Unless I’m going to take the baby to the dr or to the grocery store. I’m probably the palest person you’ve ever seen. I have really got myself into such a mess I don’t foresee ever getting out of it. I tell my girls I have 3 kids the youngest of which has recently turned 18 “I was particularly waiting in her to turn 18 so I could start making my moves” I have 2 girls and one boy. My son is in college out of state and my oldest is out on her own and my youngest is at home and working and about to start college. I tell my girls all the time Never let yourself get into a situation where you’re depending on a man, or anyone for that matter. And I’m proud to see that I know they get it, and I’m confident in saying I don’t think they will ever fall into that.
Wow!! This is spot on.... being charming around everyone else and acting like nothing every happened later. The deflection and changing of the subject. About everything being about losing and winning. He always says.. so you think your winning? The bragging about how hes hurt you or someone else.How he liked that you were caring because he knew he could never and was trying to fill a void. And hate when your giving and being nice to someone else. And the only time he would break down is when he thought he was gonna lose something. Because your his stability and more. Which i always knew was crap. And i love how you say take care of yourself first and care about the people that actually love you. Because when going through something like this people do change without realizing and the people who care , get gaslighted and pushed to the side because it causes denial as well. So if youre in this situation , please GET OUT!! And dont sympathize with your abuser. Because thats all theyll ever be. ...Put yourself first. Because in the end the only person you have is YOURSELF and others who truely love you beyond words can express
Clint, thank you for your comment. You are absolutely right this is not a gender specific issue, however the way it gets expressed does have nuances. I speak primarily to females on this channel and am creating a separate channel that speaks primarily to men. Both are welcome at either channel as long as you can get past the gender specific pronouns. I find the message and a sense of safety get watered down when I try to speak to males and females simultaneously. Additionally there are same sex couples with this problem; narcissistic parents, bosses, coworkers etc. I will over time create specific areas to be able to speak more directly to each individual. I hope this makes sense and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to write. All the best! Glad you found my videos, hope you'll keep listening and look for the channel for men next month. All the best 💜
Dr. Denise Dart I think most are aware this disorder affects both genders. It would be too time consuming to address both. Viewers should focus on the message and apply it to the gender in their situation.
Oh that is my husband, you explained it very well
Thank you so much for this video. Amazingly accurate !
Exactly. No matter how much you give, it will never be enough. Now that I left him, he won't leave me alone.
This holds SO TRUE. A close friend has been in an emotionally abusive marriage with a manipulative, control freak for 35 years. He swings from being "sad and pathetic" to bullying hateful looks and snipes- whatever works. She has turned herself into a pretzel for him and hes still unhappy with her- YET he wants them glued together at the hip!
I do believe, in some sad way, they are both getting SOMETHING out of this relationship. I have to learn to accept that this is how she has chosen -or been brainwashed- to live her life..
Needed this today. Thank you, Dr.
Wow yes it all makes sense now... acceptance is the key!
Wow thats was great!! you must be a fly on my wall! This is my ex to be exactly & I’ve said crying all of what you said to him so many times, & got his famous response “ why do you always have to start”wish i would’ve known it was because he is a narcissist, i thought it was because he is a drug addict & i was trying to suck it up & stand by him expecting him to get help. So happy i know now & learned, moving out finally as soon as my new place is ready. So draining & soul sucking it was for 12 long years. Its hard to grasp how people can be so cruel & cold towards others & not feel a thing about it. I know now its a reflection of his childhood but i didnt have such a great childhood either, how come some people can make sure they dont turn out like there parents & others are exactly there parents?
Sooooo true so true!! It was great... then emotional... then physical... I had bruises all over and he couldn't out what I was talking about when I said he hurt me. He always talked about how much better he was than everyone else. Everyone around me saw this... it took me way too long... and I supported him financially, buying him whatever he asked for and he didn't see a problem with that either matter fact he was proud of the fact other women had spent much more on him. I finally walked away as if he never existed... I am worth more than he ever will be.
My family is narcissistic. I've noticed taking care of my dad what a multituive person he is.
Mine blames me for everything.
This was good. Sometimes it's so scary to hear stuff from the speaker or commenters even.
i recently separated from my husband after 13 years . and right now his at a desperate point and now he threatens me pretty often. is hard but it is so far the best decision for me and my 4 kiddos, thank u for all your beautiful words, it gives me more strenght to go forward in this new path that i chose for my kids and for my self. thank u
You explained it really well. Thank you so much!
OMG she is spot on I just stumbled on this video. Thank you
I video journal about this very subject, over 500 videos. I appreciate you making this video. I felt you were speaking directly to me.
Dr. Denise Dart, this is a phenomenally insightful and helpful video you have made, and I have watched hundreds of videos on this topic. THANK YOU!
this is so hard. growing up with narcisstic parents a conversation always has to lead to "it's more important to be right than to be loved" and this is breaking my neck in communicating with more or less healthy people these days. they are speaking such a different language.
Response to: Inside the Mind of an Emotional Abuser. I Thankyou for this Very Helpful and Loving Video. I only Wish that I saw this when My Mother was Alive. I think my Dad was a Narcissist. And I did Not Fully " Understand" the DEPTH of my Mother's Emotional Pain until " I" Myself went through it in My Own Relationship! Yes the person gets So beaten down in their Self Esteem they cannot or do Not want to leave. My Mother was So " in Love" with My Dad. I know the Beginning was So Magical for My Mother as well. We Do keep Reliving those Blissful Moments. We must Love Ourself. My Good Dear Friend had Died during me trying to figure things out. I did Thank God Visit my Good Friend ( Not the Narcissist) in the Hospital. I Miss that Healthy " Normal" Friendships. I Miss my Mother who loved Me " Unconditionally" and who Respected Me! Thanks for this. I Do need to Work on myself and my Neglected Health. Take Care. I Still love this person. So It is Very Hard. Thankyou for giving Us People " Hope". I got through this before When I was Younger. I Will with God's Help and love get through this Again.
oh, and thank you, Doctor, for you've accurately described this kind of a human being!
i cannot even conceive such a kind of mind!!! i, myself, no longer have any feelings (bad or good) for such an anomaly. just having vacated his type of "DODGE" suffices me.
Thank you so much! The way you put things made them SO clear, and it described my past relationship so well it was eery.
I'm relieved I've found this channel.
oh my word.... somehow I came across your videos you are really talking about my ex to a T. Exactly!! He became so predictable to me after while and after this on and off 8 years relationship or whatever it was I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the abuse. He still does little things to try and get me to react. But I do not react. Internally though it stings but I don't show it. I deal with the pain at home because worst part of it all is I work with him. Worst mistake of my life was to allow myself to go out with him. I feel very dead inside still trying to figure out how to reverse all he did to me emotionally and mentally. When I see him I am disgusted with myself because I see who he really is. Still trying to figure out how to cleanse myself of all the pain... I've become very anti-social and isolated.
It's as if you lived in our walls. Everything you said discribed my marriage. Wow. Thank you
This type of man is not a window on you. He is a mirror of himself.--Tom Reilly
This was an excellent video! Thank you so much for the information and the compassionate support. It was much needed!
My late husband was covert: he came off as very quiet, soft spoken, refined even, but at home he would let it loose, using language I’d never heard the nastiest people use. His control manifested itself in the way of sneakiness, lying and omitting. I never had a straight answer from him the entire time we were together (18 years). The craziness did settle down over the years but he could still never be straight with me. I never gave up hope, sadly, although part of me just became numb and I focussed on other things like my job and my pets. People used to feel sorry for him because he was older and had health issues, appearing as the meek, gentle, long-suffering gentleman, while I looked like the bad one because I was younger, healthier and often angry, overtly so. I didn’t like myself like this but I was so frustrated, so disappointed and tired of trying to fix the messes he made, make things better or have a good, normal life. Thank you Dr. Denise.
Thank you. So much clarity now. Thanks a billion, sis.
Hello from France. I''m a 46--year-old woman. My yougest brother is exactly this kind of individual. We grew up in a very violent, narcissistic family dynamic. My father was really violent. And my mother is a cover narc. Well, I guess that my brother just took my father as an example. Brutal, keeping cheating with every girl friend, you named it! Because of the way he treated me, I stopped having my period for 4 months. I was just 32 years old back then. And I have no kids... Well, my point is, I'm really surprised to see the way he deliberately turned, as he saw our mother constantly assault by our father. I mean with a knife ect... When these kind of individuals will learn that it's not a way to treat human? Peace
Personality development is complex and at times can seem almost counterintuitive on the surface. It sounds like you have made a conscious choice for yourself. 💜
My situation which has traumatized me to no end makes me feel unwell I am unwell numerous health problems 26 yrs finally now getting support with an ending that has changed the person I used to be into someone I am not .I am trying to trust but very difficult but let me tell you I will never be in a relationship with anyone ever this has damaged me to MY CORE !!!YOU TOYALLY UNDERSTAND LIKE NOBODY I HAVE EVER MET
I love it, thank you so much!!! This is so helpful.