“ The impact of this is a withering of the spirit”. Exactly how it feels. I have just left my abuser and I already feel my spirit fluttering back to life.
This just summed up my marriage in 5 points. I’ve always felt bad using the term emotional abuse because my spouse has always said “you’re not abused”. So I resorted to using the word emotional neglected instead-all 5 points you’ve laid out are all 5 things I’ve cried over and pleaded for change…for 14 years. In my gut I have known that it just isn’t neglect…it’s deeper than that. Neglect IS abuse! And I am so thankful for your insight because it’s given me even more strength to call it what it is!
We love hearing that is empowering people to Knowledge is power and the truth is freeing. Keep seeking to become educated, aware and empowered. The next step is seeking healing, and here are some videos to help you do that: Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html Break Free of Emotional Abuse and Heal: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html Finding Healing th-cam.com/video/I5N5t_mQiTA/w-d-xo.html
Yes, this is all true. One thing struck me hard, the point of "keeping everything inside" because there is no one to talk to, no one who will listen, that is exactly what I went through as a child, for years. I was ignored, daily, was seldom allowed to talk and never allowed to complain about anything. No one was interested. I grew up socially stunted, inadequate, confused and crazy mixed up.
17 years. I smile. He doesn't. I reach for his hand in public. He pulls away. A friend of mine dies, and I come to him seeking comfort. He just stands there and says oh, sorry to hear that. No conversation is deeper than talking about the weather. IF it gets deeper he gets defensive and stops talking. I am excited about a new job. He says okay, that's nice. Then goes back on his computer. I get upset over losing a job. He says sorry to hear that. When can you get another one? I tell him I'm feeling depressed. Really depressed. He stands there and says well just go outside, you'll be fine. I gained 30lbs in a only a few months, I sleep, I cry, I see myself and pull myself out of it and get better all without him encouraging me or supporting me. I tell him this. He is like Oh, well you got yourself out, that's good. Then goes out to trivia night with friends. I ask for a divorce and he says where is this coming from? then he is all sorts of loving, affectionate, bringing flowers and I'm like oh I must have made a mistake. Then as soon as things settle down. Back to being mr robot. I get upset that this cycle has gone on again. We seek counseling. All the problems are me of course because I'm being "overreacting" and he is "trying" to be better. 17 years he is the same person he was when we met and that's the argument he uses all the time. I say well I am not the same 21 year old. I have matured, grown, and gained ample knowledge. He has not. And he says "so you are trying to change me? I've been like this since you met me and you want me to change?" No, sir, I want you to GROW. I want us to CONNECT. I want to feel like I can be expressive of my emotions without you saying "oh brother" and rolling your eyes. In a couple of weeks I will have said I want a divorce for the 4th time. It's taken me a LONG time to get to this point. And there is no going back. I want to feel human again.
Stay strong. You deserve a life away from him. When you do, don't forget that you have to unlearn being alone with someone you once loved or still love. Remember to seek mental health. The absence of the abuser doesn't mean you are cured. It is just the beginning. Stay strong, but it's OK if you can't from time to time. You are allowed to be human and you are all the more beautiful for it.
Dad did this in August when I called him(one of his brothers passed away) and he changed to conversation into only his pain. I gave up and haven't spoken to Dad since. He talked as if I am only here to hear his monologue; I never felt so hollow in my 60 years.
I think the fact that you are aware of your needs not being met and your husband is too and he still won’t learn to put the effort in for long haul, speaks loud and clear. He just is not wired that way and may never be. I’ve dealt with this for 41 years now and realize we speak a different love language. Get out now while you’ve still got lots of years ahead of you to share life with someone that is meant for you and makes your heart smile❤ I wish you all the good things life holds for you 😊
Unfortunately I am currently dealing with this emotional neglect and I can honestly say it does something awful to your mind body and soul 😢 I appreciate this video so much
There is something inside of you that wants to live it breathes all by itself. Its that that gets distraught because its not living how it wants to. Meditate on this area in your body and allow that will to live into your conscious mind. Its our intuition and volition that makes us become and leave others behind.
Congratulations🥳👏🏻 life is too short for that BS! Go live your life to the fullest and don’t accept anything less than what you deserve. I wish you all the best ❤️ I can’t wait until I can get out.
i am SO thankful for having the naming of it!!! because nobody can understand this, unless gone through this. there is no violence, no name calling, no arguments...just total neglect
It’s definitely a thing for me. I crave emotional and intellectual intimacy with my husband. I’ll send videos, articles And even screenshots of things that could be done and he ignores them. He rejects These bids of connection and it makes me feel numb toward him. He is an awesome provider to me and the kids. I just wish that could be enough for me.
I have done the same. And my husband has been a good provider of the worldly things we need to survive in this society. But emotionally? He has been a desert. **hugs** Your needs are as important and more even than the worldly needs.
Someone, somewhere knows of this attack on our spirit. Fight to overcome. There are many beautiful caring kind and understanding people so keep looking until you find solitude in the security of someone you can count on.😂
You just covered what no one else does. My husband isn’t overtly abusive, so I cannot pin point why I feel so badly with him. But now I see how his behavior is neglect. And abuse. This IS a thing. And thank you for identifying it and speaking about it. I feel validated.
It sounds as though he might be high functioning autistic (Aspergers) and you are suffering from Casandra syndrome (effects of neuro-diverse marriage...
Emotional neglect is the very description I have used to try to reach him for 44 years. Over and over in my journals is the fact that I don’t feel like I’m cared for. And now I’m just hearing there’s a name for it!
Lonely and feel i have no way out. Dont think anyone has cared about me my while life. Had a crisis recently where I begged him to stay and help me- our cat was injured and needed the er vetrinarian. He scoffed, yelled at me no way, said i was overeacting, totally ignored me crying, frantic, and drove off (to meet a friend I think maybe...he is secretive). Never called to ask hiw things were. Kitty lived but just made it. He is emotionless except for mocking and anger and childish humor.
Sorry to hear what you're going through. Here is a link to request a free eBook you may find insightful on why people disconnect from their emotions as a defense mechanism and how it interferes with healthy relating: marriagerecoverycenter.com/getting-to-the-core-ebook-request/
Even though he's retired and 70 years old, my husband is so busy helping others run their businesses that he has no time or interest to spend time with me. No dates, no weekend getaways, no vacations, no remembering special dates, nothing. This has been going on since the beginning of 2020. It's as if I no longer exist or matter to him.
And it's so humiliating to be exposed when you break in the presence of strangers. Peace be with you, you are not alone.❤ Someone you can count on is waiting for you to find them. Keep fighting 😊
Sorry to hear you are experiencing this. Here are some videos that we hope can help you take some first steps towards healing: Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html Break Free of Emotional Abuse and Heal: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html Finding Healing th-cam.com/video/I5N5t_mQiTA/w-d-xo.html
Its difficult because what we rightly deserve we don't recieve. This disappointment thats felt in the heart is possible to be comforted by our love for ourselves. It works to meditate on the pain body and release it through breathing. Like i say it is difficult but you are the only one that can do it. 🙏
Healthy relationship: you can give attention to other things. Toxic relationship: you are critized and attacked for giving your attention to other things. Thank you so much Dr. 👌
Awesome video! Yes, I have been emotionally neglected for over 20 years. When dating my husband I was such an approval seeker, I didn’t take notice I was the only one in the relationship doing the talking and asking questions. Always taking care of his emotional needs. I grew up with a covert narcissist who neglected me emotionally. Big surprise I married one. I am finally taking steps to leave the marriage and save myself. Thank you again for bringing attention to this silent killer!
I've essentially been discarded by my s/o. 23 years of my life have been wasted on someone who can't stand me. I may as well be a ghost because he doesn't see or acknowledge me. I've been left to due on the vine. I can't leave because Ican't afford to, financially. I've reached out to family and friends , who say they can't help me. They tell me to just pretend he isn't there. I really can't do this anymore, but I'm stuck. It's a very sad situation.
Yup, me too, same thing, I can't leave. How to pretend he is not there. Fed up with his neglect and crazy-making and blaming it all on me. I'm all alone in the relationship and he is in bed all day on his days off recuperating from drinking that he blames all on me.
This was a great video! The one point that I don't experience is "demand". My narc husband doesn't do anything outwardly that will make you suspect he is anything but the sweetest, nicest guy that ever walked the planet. He does not "demand" anything of me he just simply does not do a thing. If we want to go on a vacation he will not lift a finger to plan that vacation. If he wants the house rehab he will not lift a finger to make calls and lineup a construction company. He doesn't "demand" that I do it. It just won't get done unless I do it.
@@drdavidbhawkins I would love a video on acts of omission even outside of emotional. My husband does this all the time. Its like he's decided how much energy hes not willing to put forth in anything that is associated with the life we have together. And every way possible he wants me to not expect much from him. But he expects so much out of me. The double standards is really painful to deal with in this kind of relationship.
Yup, same here.......I'm giving up on trying with my husband, fed up of my efforts being met with jeering, criticism, and being left all alone pretty much 99% of the time, 20 awful years with him.
It was so insidious. I thought I was being ungrateful so did not speak. But people who loved me, amazing friends, expressed their observations. I had allow myself to acclimatise to very little.
If my husband is overworked then all of a sudden everything is my fault and I'm doing everything wrong, his Mother is the same. No deep conversations everything swept under the rug like there is nothing wrong because they dont want to deal with it. Sad
Whats worse is that in font of other people and when u r not around the create a facade that they super care about u and adore u and cherish you and think your awesome. It's so sick and evil beyond anything imaginable. The silent suffering and confusion and isolation is indescribable. As they r so charming and deceiving in public it puts the skills of cult leaders to shame.
Hi Dr Hawkins Agree it’s absolutely ‘a thing!’ For me, his withholding was HUGE! My ex withheld his attention, caring, interest, concern, and he especially withheld his presence!! And would ‘act’ preoccupied & sometimes indifferent. Maybe because that was what I called him out on? (Because he showed a pattern of doing the exact things more frequently that I’d brought to his attention that hurt). Only thing I could rely on, was his satisfied smirk if he successfully baited a reaction from me! Reply don’t react has been my go to since.
Don't you know it!! 41 years ,stuck financially so put up ... Stone wall, not changing behaviors, laying, manipulates, is busy mater what the subject . Absolutely no affection, sex ,for 30 years .. Will nit address, just says its his fault will not change or get help. He is a very hard worker and never raises his voice ever . But the dismissed feelings of his iwn and mine have taken a terrible toll, i am certain on us both.
Reciprocity is a feature of a healthy relationship. That is the basis of any healthy relationship, and the lack thereof is a sign of a dysfunctional situation.
This bescribes my 40 years of marriage so well. It`s spot on! Now I am really ill, struggling with CPTSD, and severe painproblems, am disabled, but enough is enough. The problem is that everyone belive he is so amazing, and I am the problem, so I will probably loose a lot of friends and even familymembers. It`s really hard, but now I cant handle it anymore. Thank you for describing this problem so well... 🙏♥
It's 100% a thing! Every aspect of what you said and then some. Too be completely isolated by your emotional abuser and then to be completely ignored and emotionally neglected. It's soul destroying.
Dr. Hawkins, this series of videos on living with a narc has lots of information never heard before. I am myself in an abusive relationship for the last 28 years. The kids are finally grown up and I am thinking about my options. Thank you so much.
We just posted a Reel for people trying to decide if their relationship is worth pursuing or not. You can find it on Instagram, or watch the full video here: th-cam.com/video/32Yiaa-Ws2k/w-d-xo.html
No time for me, just for his cars, motorcycles, and whatever else he deems important over me. Nothing but excuses. I’m the lowest on the totem pole. And now, another adult child, and grandchild has come out from his past. Five children by 5 different moms. We’ve been together a little over a year and a half. My 36 year old daughter passed away last year, and I’ve been going through it alone. I’m over it, and that’s why I’m watching videos like this. Getting strong, and making changes. Just started taking my own yt channel seriously. I’m worthy of all good things. Thank you for this video🌹❤️
Here I am again in SHOCK! How did I not know any of this?? I’ve been so deceived 😢😢 Part of me doesn’t want to believe this but it’s all to familiar like you know everything I’ve been through 🙏🙏 God must have lead me here I’ve been praying asking for direction and understanding!
Yes, this is 100% on point. The 5 points describe perfecting what is emotional neglect. Thank you so much for labeling it what it is.... emotional abuse.
There was no bigger pain in my life than when I experienced all of these points altogether. Just to see how the person dismisses my cries for love (and not nagging or similar but vulnerable requests)
This exactly summed up my marriage that I was stuck in for 18 years. There was no "obvious" abuse, so I didn't feel like I had a good reason to leave until I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm now in a new relationship, but I find myself struggling to trust him and I'm constantly second-guessing myself and his motives. I wonder if he's gaslighting me, love-bombing, or manipulating me. How do I get out of my head and truly believe that he loves me and is giving me genuine care and affection?
My husband ignores me..The only time he says a wotd to me is when he yelling. He has never given me a compliment! Never makes eye contact! Never touched my hair. Parts of my body in 26 years he has never touched! I have laid in bed crying wanting to be held and he will just turn his back.I feel so hurt and heartbroken .I cannot live like this
I have been experiencing this for year. My husband refuses to listen to my needs and projects his frustration towards me, instead of addressing the core issues. We are now technically separated in different rooms in our home, living separated lives.
Yes a withering of the spirit. After being controlled by angry comments when sharing the day. Jealousy over finding happiness with anyone or anything else. Even with his own children.
I absolutely think it's a thing because I've been living this's for 18 years. All 5 points are tight on. It has absolutely devastated my life. I'm trying to get free.
You helped me so very much on my journey back to sanity after I left my abusive x. I had a couple years of healing under my belt when I moved in with my oldest son and his family. Sadly, he's suffering the same thing I was delivered from. Such a shame.
It has been helpful, Thankyou. 4 out of 5 of your comments are exactly what I experience in my marriage. Our life is great so long as I don’t want to talk about anything to do with ‘us’ at an intimate level, it’s at these times things get ugly & I cop the very things you’ve mentioned are emotional abuse.
I have been in an emotionally abusive and neglectful marriage for 4 years. I can 100% relate to this video. My husband could not care any less how he treats me, what he says to me, or how he makes me feel. I know I can't count on him. The neglect started the day before we got married. I was too embarrassed to cancel the wedding. Oftentimes, we agree on something, and he does something completely opposite, then acts like he does not understand why I am upset about being lied to. He humiliated and embarrassed me. He broke every single of the marriage vows, including the forsaking all others. Rather than focusing on the marriage that he created nothing but havoc in, he went to chase after another woman and even had the balls to invite her to our marital home for a party as if there was nothing wrong with that level of betrayl.
So sorry to hear you are experiencing this. We have many videos that can help you start thinking about how to heal. Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html Break Free of Emotional Abuse and Heal: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html Finding Healing th-cam.com/video/I5N5t_mQiTA/w-d-xo.html Spouse Won't Go To Counseling! What Are My Options? th-cam.com/video/O0Q_In9nKKI/w-d-xo.html
@@drdavidbhawkinsthank you Dr. Hawkins I can relate to all 5 points of emotional abuse. When my “husband” said I do, he didn’t and doesn’t. I’m going to watch all these videos you referenced.
I appreciate everything you said. I could really understand when you highlighted the difference between emotional neglect and a healthy relationship. It really broke my heart. My mother, who is now 83, emotionally neglected me throughout my life. She never saw me, never knew me, never was there for me. I was married to the male version of her, I consider both covert narcissists, for 30 years. Now I am married to a classic narcissist and everything you said about emotional neglect holds true. I have such a sadness inside. I am struggling to figure out if or how I should leave this marriage. I am settling for so much less. I do not emotionally neglect, but I allow it to be done to me. I realize what I am missing more clearly after listening to you speak on this.
I can so relate to your story as mine is so similar..it just saddens me that we have so much to offer a partner (as we are very loving and affectionate ppl) but yet we are attracted to the very ppl who rejects and neglects us, it's like attracting your your mother over and over again (subconsciously)🙁 it's just a vicious cycle that makes you wonder if it will ever be broken...😔
"Does that resonate with you? I'd like to hear from you on this... give me your impressions." THAT part stopped me in my tracks and rewind to hear again because THAT is the type of "How was your day?" or organic conversation that long and hope for from my husband. We can talk on the phone or in person about things that need to be said like what's your plan for dinner or should I come home or stay at my mom's house or just any little part of daily life and it's awkward-- there's no connection-- it's like super opposite of that passionate, intelligent, emotionally connected string of phrases that you put together for your listeners. And, like, for us to actually respond and give you our impression and give you our feedback and give you our ideas on it is the perfect example of healthy conversational exchange that is clearly absent from this neglect type of relationship. I can ask my husband for his thoughts on this or that and I'm gonna get a blank stare or staring at the phone or pretending to sleep or walk away or closing his eyes or saying whatever you want or I don't care or it doesn't matter or OK or some just you know unconnected type of answer. And sometimes I follow up with "Did you hear me?" because the neglect is so real that there's often no indication at all whether he is silently absorbing what I've said, or composing an answer silently, or tuning me out like an interrupting background noise.
Thank you ! I have never been in an emotional healthy relationship. I use to believe it was all me. I am a middle child of 5, grew up with verbal abuse. Married for 25 years,. Physically and emotionally abused. Only stopped when I adopted my son, because he knew I would never allow our son to grow up in a home like that. I guess he got board, started fooling around with married girl from work. Husband called and she had an apartment for them both to stay at. 2 days latter he left. Then I met a guy who just moved his stuff into my home. Extreme narcissistic personality. I FEEL SO STUPID! I have no power or voice and it is my home. I am ashamed that I am afraid to be on my own. I am 62
Deep down we all fear being alone, it is natural. Thanks for sharing your story, and we hope these videos will help you take the first steps towards healing: Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html Break Free of Emotional Abuse and Heal: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html Finding Healing th-cam.com/video/I5N5t_mQiTA/w-d-xo.html
I have tried to do a lot of work on myself. I would like to say that my biggest mistake was not speaking up about my physical abuse from my husband. I kept quiet because we had lost our 5 year old daughter in a car accident. So I did keep the abuse quiet. We moved by his family, who knew but would not talk to him about it. So please, first, if you do not speak up, it will continue. funny, the moment I found the strength to have our son grow up in that type of environment, he was able to stop. I do not feel like I am a victim, but I do have codependent, and I am overly empathic. I guess I would rather help others than fix myself. Now, I am trying to fix myself. Thank you for listening.
I have just discovered you. Thankyou for existing. I feel you are talking to me. Just started therapy in my area, it will take me the rest of my life to heal.
Please look into non- attachment. Its where we can become aware of our thougts and how they make us feel. This mindfulness opens our intuition connection and we can work with the feeling from source. Isolating the feeling within the body we are able to disperse the trauma flex through breathing and balancing. Its difficult but you are the only one who can do it.
This really hits home for me. I've been married for 26 years and have suffered emotional neglect in all these points. It is devastating and I have physically and emotionally fallen apart under it. Please keep speaking on the topic.
Dealing with this now. - I’m seeing that when married I saw her as a teammate and craved Affection INSTEAD of continuing the male/female dynamic of Desire…….. THAT and working away from home made her “dry up” and see me as an asset that provides a service. Respect went along with civility - then the years of neglect started (sexless marriage). Getting myself tuned back into masculine and returning to having an objective gets my eyes off of looking to my wife for validation. ITS ON YOU TO BE YOU (Not them). They will then change their mind seeing that THEY are NOT your focus and you are not NEEDY. From this, you begin to see it and if you reengage with this person, SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING !!!! set boundaries and keep them.
MY Good Bad Ugly letter to my spouse while he was in one of your programs spoke to not only the abuse. It also describe behavior and events that were clear examples of emotional neglect. I wish I had been able to have seen this video prior to writing that 35 page document. It would have assisted me to speak to more instances as examples. Unfortunately, my spouse was not successful with assimilating the data you provided in your programs. For my personal safety I moved forward from separation to divorce, which hopefully will be final by the end of this year. It helps to be able to identify the acts of commision as well as omission for clarity and healing.
I too say emotional neglect is abuse. My husband knew I was begging for attention and he would say that I'm way too needy and clingy, which made me feel bad about myself. I used to wonder what was wrong with me? This video has spot on information. Thank you.
This definitely fits my 45 year marriage. It started with constant low level criticism and belittling ("no one wants to hear your opinion"), and if I said "are you mad at me" "no of course not" but then if I tried to get a hug or bit of affection, I would be pushed away, or pushed off his lap onto the floor (in spite of expecting to have sex every night). If I cried I was completely ignored. If I was wondering where he was going he would say "are you my mother?" and leave. He would pray with others about issues but never in 45 years with me. After 10 years of trying to please him, while having and raising 4 little children while he traveled and rarely spent time with me or them, I snapped and if he criticized me I would yell at him. That was gasoline on the fire, and he would always up the ante rather than apologize. 16 years in, after 3 years of chronic fatigue, where he would not make the slightest change to acknowledge I was sick (like helping me carry in the groceries which hurt my arms so much--- didn't want to be "co dependent" with me) I demanded counseling through those in spiritual authority over us, and he was furious that I accused him of verbal abuse, and furious at them for "siding with" me, threatened to leave with the kids or commit adultery. 2 years of non-cooperation and gaslighting me to counselors, sulking and leaving the kids for me to raise alone (by now all teenagers) [he was a jock, soccer, basketball, volleyball, but didn't so much as teach our boys to throw or bounce or kick a ball], the Lord finally spoke to him and told him he needed to stop blaming me for all our problems because He had work to do with him. The next 20 years were much better, less criticism, but still emotionally not available, didn't visit me at hospital when I had an operation, etc. etc. However, I was shocked when I was honored at work and read him the glowing things people had written about me and he was furious and said they didn't really know me. I thought he would be proud. Now 45 years in, with prostate cancer and loss of sexual ability, he wants us to have a "more personal relationship," but frankly I did "emotionally divorce" him decades ago for my own sanity, not wanting or seeking any emotional connection with him. Is there any hope for change before he dies (he is almost 80) or will trying not be worth the effort? It has affected our kids and grandkids and emotional distance is the rule, much to my sadness. Can anything be done to change our family dynamic at least? How do I access your free ebooks?
Yes this is definitely a real thing and needs more content on it. So many of my family members are emotionally neglectful and it's really a testament to the lack of help and counseling that they are getting
Glad you found it helpful. We specialize in healing marriage wounds and rebuilding connection. Please reach out to learn how we can help. info@marriagerecoverycenter.com You can also go to our website and get instant access to our free eBook Hope and Healing for Your Relationship. www.marriagerecoverycenter.com
I have lived this for 33 years. My kids have been affected in their relationships. I'm sick and tired of it all. I had a hysterectomy a few years ago. He was two hours late picking me up the following day, all my pain meds had wore off and they wouldn't give me more because i was "discharged." Not even Tylenol. And he pouted because I didn't want to stop and eat on the way home. He stopped anyway! Then he dropped me off and I hardly seen him for six weeks ("constant overtime.... Yeah sure) until right when I was going back to work. I had to do recovery totally on my own. That's just one of hundreds maybe thousands of instances. I'm tired. I just want out.
One of the things my narc does is when I'm upset or hurt about something its like I gave him the green light to gaslight me and start tearing me down. Tearing my kids down. Berating me, humiliating me. So I do whatever I can to NEVER trust that his friendliness is an opportunity to share and be open about things. So sad that we mainly talk about the weather or traffic...ugh Its a miserable life for me. Trying to get out now.
Yup, me too........and the whole relationship including his drinking is my fault according to him. I can't have any conversations with him ever, they all result in a row, I have to stay away. I'm done with him, just fed up after trying for 20 years.
Dr. Hawkins, I am in a relationship just like this. I have been married to the same man for 40 years and he has always been some of this way, but in April 2019 he became a lot worse. He started punishing me because I fell and broke my hip and his dream of having sex all of the time was stopped, he thought forever. He has belittled me, cut me down, got his humor at my expense, called me a lazy bitch, and lots more. I had to have emergency surgery and I spent the entire week in the hospital alone. Things finally got so bad, that I moved into the other room in our house because I couldn't even sleep on the room with him because he would blare the TV, or do carpentry at 2 & 3 in the morning. It got so bad that my body literally took over and I went through almost a nervous breakdown for a year and a half. When I finally was able to get out of the shutdown it was because I was suicidal, do I left and things drastically hit worse. Even though I never thought at that point it could get any worse, but OMG it got horribly worse. I want to come to your treatment facility but I live on Louisiana. I am going to reach out to your organization and hopefully I will hear from you. I need some help, and I need it ASAP please
34 years of asking, begging, pleading, and the result of blaming myself for not being good enough, not trying hard enough, not doing this right thing. All to discover that even when I gave 150% all that happened was every ounce of love, compassikn, caring, happiness, and truth of who I am was SUCKED out of me..evfncshen presented with Divorce he said , " This is how I have always been" No desire to grow, change, try, or put any energy into us, only him. His wants, needs, desires, and hobbies. I wasted my life trying to prove my love on a man who could not and Chose not try.
Yes, it's a thing. My current partner neglects me and gives his 100% attention to his daughter. It's worse, residing in the same house and going through these every single day.
All the points-spot on. Can come with a list concerns that mention need to be worked on-no response, nothing mentioned about it again. Ignored dismissed.
Yes! Emotionally neglected by my spouse who has an alcohol addiction. Most of the time he just throws “breadcrumbs”. Working on my self esteem and everything else… a blessing and a curse. Thank you for this helpful talk
I love my wife but I can’t get her to listen to me. I’ve tried everything. It is absolutely impossible. We’ve been married for for almost 25 years and she is Thai and I’m British. We’re a similar age and she’s university educated and a kind person at heart. Yet I can’t get her to listen to anything I’m feeling. We experienced a lot of trauma when we were living in Thailand (we lived there 15 years) and we were forcibly separated for 2 years during the pandemic. So we didn’t see each other again until 2022 when she was finally able to get a plane over. We have a 12 year old son. I don’t mind her sleeping in the other room (which she’s done almost since the time she got back) but she is impossible to communicate with. It’s very passive aggressive as she always refuses to ever talk with me when I need her to. She comes in tells me her troubles on occasion and I listen patiently, and try to be helpful. The moment she’s finished telling me her problems, she walks away no matter what I say - she doesn’t hear. This is not just a Thai/British cultural difference as her Thai friends have told me they feel completely the same when trying to talk to her. Her family (who are well educated and teachers) tell her over and over to listen. This in both tier interactions with her and their observations in how she doesn’t listen to anything I’m feeling. It’s so exhausting I give up trying. It is beyond everybody’s comprehension. She seems to have some type of brain difference that firstly means she just will not hear. I tried to talk to her just now about her not listening and she lay on the ground and covered her ears. Then she walks off and dismisses me leaving me alone with a sense of total despair and hopelessness. Nobody would even believe how extreme this is. Nobody understood it in Thailand. Her family and friends confided in me about if and even asked how can I tolerate it?! Also she has zero cognitive empathy. I can’t even get her to understand the concept of seeing things from another person’s mindset. But apart from this she is genuinely a good person. I’m at a loss tbh as I’ve tried everything. It’s an unusual situation as almost every one else say their husband or boyfriend doesn’t listen. So I’m one of the very few men on here who has a wife with some type of brain difference, where she can’t either listen nor has an understanding of cognitive empathy- it’s completely absent in her. I can’t count on her. I have learned that the only person I can count on is myself. I’m very aware of depth psychology and her lack of attention to me; has helped me reach what seems to be a unification with my persona and the human soul in harmony. But I experience strong waves of loneliness, insomnia and isolation almost every night still. th-cam.com/video/r_OOdAGhTmk/w-d-xo.htmlsi=ZVZfRt191rnjnmJE
Oh my. That's a perfect description of what I'm dealing with. I don't understand because this has been going on f or 5 months. I've known him for 8 years.
We have always had difficulties in our relationship. No need to go into the history! The one area I find most painful, is when we are mixing with others. It is incredibly painful for me when my husband will make subtle jokes about me or asides. He will let me make all the effort and then not show the support or validation by word or gesture. We are ageing now and there are always at least two angles to look at things but I just feel an intense sadness. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
After over 20 years of marriage, my husband began an adulterous relationship. The emotional neglect and abandonment has been devastating. He was more faithful to his affair partner than to God or our marriage. He divorced me me after 6 years of telling me he was going to try and work on our marriage but never put forth any real effort. He’s still with her, comes into town to see her and his actions have left me and our family broken. “Withering of the spirit”, that’s exactly how it feels.
I learned when I share video, as mentioned within the first minute of this great video, people seemed to takes offense to a video received by me. This video explains quite a bit. Have felt lost my entire life, starting early teen years.
Yes You are on the mark. I have been hunting and pecking about online, searching because of an emotional betrayal/ rupture in my relationship of 16 years. What you say, and the points you lay out here are so clear, and evidenced in my current situation. Thank you for taking the time to create this content. I have been struggling to put my finger on the issues at hand in my situation, give it a name.
Oh my god I feel so validated. Every relationship I’ve never had they were so emotionally neglectful. I thought men just weren’t capable of emotional caring I needed. This was my upbringing too.
your video got me crying. i always hoped our relationship would turn into the positive relationships you are describing. it's more and more of a void the more he works. i love him so much tho . i can't handle the isolation and loneliness and ignoring my needs just so he can have his needs met. i feel emotionally uncared for. no wonder his favorite plants dont require care. attempts to get close are met with "well, you try at the wrong time." or "you don't ask if it's okay." or there's always something wrong with how /when/why showing him love and affection. can't do anything right. i'm so tired. how can you love someone and yourself if there's little to no love back? thank you for this video.
This is totally a thing; this is what my wife started doing after the “I do’s” were done and just after the ink dried…if it were not for my child I wouldn’t still be here… I subscribed because I feel that I can get something out of this channel for healing (which I need)
Although most of our videos refer to the abuser/narcissist as "he", the content applies to both men and women. We have many videos on healing which you can find here: Healing From Emotional Abuse playlist: th-cam.com/play/PLzb_gedZa6y5VGEhh3V4Qt_Ksb0CNFdIz.html We also have some videos that specifically address the impact of emotional abuse on men: th-cam.com/video/N68Ch10E51k/w-d-xo.html
I completely agree this is a thing..my husband also stonewalls me all the time. I'm right now thinking it's time we separate, but unfortunately We don't have the funds for separate housing..so I feel so stuck..like I have to stay in this unhealthy relationship..I'm beside myself..thank you for all your videos. I just ran across last week..been watching ever since. Thank you
“ The impact of this is a withering of the spirit”. Exactly how it feels. I have just left my abuser and I already feel my spirit fluttering back to life.
I’m so happy for you!❤ I’m relieved to hear it’s possible to bring it back. It’s such a scary and isolating feeling…
This just summed up my marriage in 5 points. I’ve always felt bad using the term emotional abuse because my spouse has always said “you’re not abused”. So I resorted to using the word emotional neglected instead-all 5 points you’ve laid out are all 5 things I’ve cried over and pleaded for change…for 14 years. In my gut I have known that it just isn’t neglect…it’s deeper than that. Neglect IS abuse! And I am so thankful for your insight because it’s given me even more strength to call it what it is!
Positive on all five
If I try discuss it with my husband he tells me I am emotionally abusing him.
We love hearing that is empowering people to Knowledge is power and the truth is freeing. Keep seeking to become educated, aware and empowered. The next step is seeking healing, and here are some videos to help you do that:
Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse
th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
Break Free of Emotional Abuse and Heal: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
Finding Healing
th-cam.com/video/I5N5t_mQiTA/w-d-xo.html
Yes, this is all true. One thing struck me hard, the point of "keeping everything inside" because there is no one to talk to, no one who will listen, that is exactly what I went through as a child, for years. I was ignored, daily, was seldom allowed to talk and never allowed to complain about anything. No one was interested. I grew up socially stunted, inadequate, confused and crazy mixed up.
@@elizabethshannon24same for me. No one to listen or care growing up, spouse cares nothing for me. I'm an object not a person.
17 years. I smile. He doesn't. I reach for his hand in public. He pulls away. A friend of mine dies, and I come to him seeking comfort. He just stands there and says oh, sorry to hear that. No conversation is deeper than talking about the weather. IF it gets deeper he gets defensive and stops talking. I am excited about a new job. He says okay, that's nice. Then goes back on his computer. I get upset over losing a job. He says sorry to hear that. When can you get another one? I tell him I'm feeling depressed. Really depressed. He stands there and says well just go outside, you'll be fine. I gained 30lbs in a only a few months, I sleep, I cry, I see myself and pull myself out of it and get better all without him encouraging me or supporting me. I tell him this. He is like Oh, well you got yourself out, that's good. Then goes out to trivia night with friends. I ask for a divorce and he says where is this coming from? then he is all sorts of loving, affectionate, bringing flowers and I'm like oh I must have made a mistake. Then as soon as things settle down. Back to being mr robot. I get upset that this cycle has gone on again. We seek counseling. All the problems are me of course because I'm being "overreacting" and he is "trying" to be better. 17 years he is the same person he was when we met and that's the argument he uses all the time. I say well I am not the same 21 year old. I have matured, grown, and gained ample knowledge. He has not. And he says "so you are trying to change me? I've been like this since you met me and you want me to change?" No, sir, I want you to GROW. I want us to CONNECT. I want to feel like I can be expressive of my emotions without you saying "oh brother" and rolling your eyes. In a couple of weeks I will have said I want a divorce for the 4th time. It's taken me a LONG time to get to this point. And there is no going back. I want to feel human again.
I left after 5 children and 20 years of marriage, I relate so well to what you've endured, take courage, it's been 30 years since I left, ❤
Maybe look up Attachment Styles. Lifesaver for me and mine. Eye opening if even for closure.
Stay strong. You deserve a life away from him. When you do, don't forget that you have to unlearn being alone with someone you once loved or still love. Remember to seek mental health. The absence of the abuser doesn't mean you are cured. It is just the beginning. Stay strong, but it's OK if you can't from time to time. You are allowed to be human and you are all the more beautiful for it.
Dad did this in August when I called him(one of his brothers passed away) and he changed to conversation into only his pain. I gave up and haven't spoken to Dad since. He talked as if I am only here to hear his monologue; I never felt so hollow in my 60 years.
I think the fact that you are aware of your needs not being met and your husband is too and he still won’t learn to put the effort in for long haul, speaks loud and clear.
He just is not wired that way and may never be. I’ve dealt with this for 41 years now and realize we speak a different love language. Get out now while you’ve still got lots of years ahead of you to share life with someone that is meant for you and makes your heart smile❤ I wish you all the good things life holds for you 😊
Unfortunately I am currently dealing with this emotional neglect and I can honestly say it does something awful to your mind body and soul 😢
I appreciate this video so much
So sorry to hear you are experiencing this, please reach out to learn how we can help. (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com
There is something inside of you that wants to live it breathes all by itself. Its that that gets distraught because its not living how it wants to. Meditate on this area in your body and allow that will to live into your conscious mind. Its our intuition and volition that makes us become and leave others behind.
Me too. It destroys you. I feel empty and desperate.
Women file for 80% drvorces . If it wasn't this it would be that. You just want the house and an indentured slave.
Finally leaving after 7 years of being ignored
Good. I hope you are doing better now.
Congratulations🥳👏🏻 life is too short for that BS! Go live your life to the fullest and don’t accept anything less than what you deserve. I wish you all the best ❤️ I can’t wait until I can get out.
Going on 30yrs of it and it still is so painful and debilitating, lonely. I am exhausted and sad.
40 years for me. Im sorry.
Me too im crying
36 years for me
I wish you strength 🌻
Almost 25 years here.
It's a definite thing...my spouse just looks through me, avoids eye contact, never , I mean NEVER has a positive jester towards me.
Sorry to hear you are experiencing this. If you would like help, please reach out and ask for our free eBook "Getting to the Core"
OMG! There are so many of us suffering......😢
i am SO thankful for having the naming of it!!! because nobody can understand this, unless gone through this. there is no violence, no name calling, no arguments...just total neglect
Exactly
It’s definitely a thing for me.
I crave emotional and intellectual intimacy with my husband. I’ll send videos, articles And even screenshots of things that could be done and he ignores them. He rejects These bids of connection and it makes me feel numb toward him. He is an awesome provider to me and the kids. I just wish that could be enough for me.
I have done the same. And my husband has been a good provider of the worldly things we need to survive in this society. But emotionally? He has been a desert. **hugs**
Your needs are as important and more even than the worldly needs.
Often, the spouse is evidencing, Asperger's.
Are you abusing him. That will make men shut down. Women have no clue how abusive they are.
Exactly my case.
@TheThetruthmaster1 please tell us how.
This is so true. Can I count on you? Do you care? Do you hear me? Am I important to you at all? I’m dying slowly
Someone, somewhere knows of this attack on our spirit. Fight to overcome. There are many beautiful caring kind and understanding people so keep looking until you find solitude in the security of someone you can count on.😂
I haven’t found anyone like that and I’m in my 60’s :Have to look after myself. Self care. Thank you for the kind message tho
Fuck. That is sad. I feel the same way.
You just covered what no one else does. My husband isn’t overtly abusive, so I cannot pin point why I feel so badly with him. But now I see how his behavior is neglect. And abuse. This IS a thing. And thank you for identifying it and speaking about it. I feel validated.
Glad you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback
Women nag men to the point t they shut down . Are you . Did you nag dare I say abuse him??
Yeah. I believe I have depression because of it.
It sounds as though he might be high functioning autistic (Aspergers) and you are suffering from Casandra syndrome (effects of neuro-diverse marriage...
Emotional neglect is the very description I have used to try to reach him for 44 years. Over and over in my journals is the fact that I don’t feel like I’m cared for. And now I’m just hearing there’s a name for it!
I think you’re right on!!! Been married 50 years. Emotional neglect is real.
Sorry to hear this has been your experience. Thanks for your comment.
Lonely and feel i have no way out. Dont think anyone has cared about me my while life. Had a crisis recently where I begged him to stay and help me- our cat was injured and needed the er vetrinarian. He scoffed, yelled at me no way, said i was overeacting, totally ignored me crying, frantic, and drove off (to meet a friend I think maybe...he is secretive). Never called to ask hiw things were. Kitty lived but just made it. He is emotionless except for mocking and anger and childish humor.
Sorry to hear what you're going through. Here is a link to request a free eBook you may find insightful on why people disconnect from their emotions as a defense mechanism and how it interferes with healthy relating: marriagerecoverycenter.com/getting-to-the-core-ebook-request/
Even though he's retired and 70 years old, my husband is so busy helping others run their businesses that he has no time or interest to spend time with me. No dates, no weekend getaways, no vacations, no remembering special dates, nothing. This has been going on since the beginning of 2020. It's as if I no longer exist or matter to him.
Same. Just a whole lot of nothingness. My spirit is crushed. Actually, its gone.
You deserve better! My dad is this way, I gave up on him!
Any time I complained about anything, he would blame me. Dad is a jerk!
A withering of the spirit!!!!..so true! So on point!
And it's so humiliating to be exposed when you break in the presence of strangers. Peace be with you, you are not alone.❤ Someone you can count on is waiting for you to find them. Keep fighting 😊
EVERYTHING YOU SAID IS EXACTLY TRUE!!!! I STARTED TO CRY BECAUSE YOU WERE ON POINT, YOU DESCRIBED MY LIFE
Sorry to hear you are experiencing this. Here are some videos that we hope can help you take some first steps towards healing:
Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse
th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
Break Free of Emotional Abuse and Heal: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
Finding Healing
th-cam.com/video/I5N5t_mQiTA/w-d-xo.html
Its difficult because what we rightly deserve we don't recieve. This disappointment thats felt in the heart is possible to be comforted by our love for ourselves. It works to meditate on the pain body and release it through breathing. Like i say it is difficult but you are the only one that can do it. 🙏
I never realized I am being emotionally neglected, but this describes my marriage
Healthy relationship: you can give attention to other things.
Toxic relationship: you are critized and attacked for giving your attention to other things.
Thank you so much Dr. 👌
OH, it's a thing. Thank you for putting into words what recipients of this kind of abuse can't always articulate for themselves.
Awesome video! Yes, I have been emotionally neglected for over 20 years. When dating my husband I was such an approval seeker, I didn’t take notice I was the only one in the relationship doing the talking and asking questions. Always taking care of his emotional needs. I grew up with a covert narcissist who neglected me emotionally. Big surprise I married one. I am finally taking steps to leave the marriage and save myself. Thank you again for bringing attention to this silent killer!
I've essentially been discarded by my s/o. 23 years of my life have been wasted on someone who can't stand me. I may as well be a ghost because he doesn't see or acknowledge me. I've been left to due on the vine. I can't leave because Ican't afford to, financially. I've reached out to family and friends , who say they can't help me. They tell me to just pretend he isn't there. I really can't do this anymore, but I'm stuck. It's a very sad situation.
Yup, me too, same thing, I can't leave. How to pretend he is not there. Fed up with his neglect and crazy-making and blaming it all on me. I'm all alone in the relationship and he is in bed all day on his days off recuperating from drinking that he blames all on me.
After 8 years, I felt like I was dying. I felt worthless and invisible. A ghost.
Oddly He was ghosting you within the marriage. So you felt like a ghost.
This was a great video! The one point that I don't experience is "demand". My narc husband doesn't do anything outwardly that will make you suspect he is anything but the sweetest, nicest guy that ever walked the planet. He does not "demand" anything of me he just simply does not do a thing. If we want to go on a vacation he will not lift a finger to plan that vacation. If he wants the house rehab he will not lift a finger to make calls and lineup a construction company. He doesn't "demand" that I do it. It just won't get done unless I do it.
Acts of omission is also a form of covert abuse
I relate!
@@drdavidbhawkins I would love a video on acts of omission even outside of emotional. My husband does this all the time. Its like he's decided how much energy hes not willing to put forth in anything that is associated with the life we have together. And every way possible he wants me to not expect much from him. But he expects so much out of me. The double standards is really painful to deal with in this kind of relationship.
“Withering of the spirit.” That’s it.
Yup, same here.......I'm giving up on trying with my husband, fed up of my efforts being met with jeering, criticism, and being left all alone pretty much 99% of the time, 20 awful years with him.
It is absolutely a thing! Neglect is definitely a form abuse as it is painful and highly destructive.
It was so insidious. I thought I was being ungrateful so did not speak. But people who loved me, amazing friends, expressed their observations.
I had allow myself to acclimatise to very little.
If my husband is overworked then all of a sudden everything is my fault and I'm doing everything wrong, his Mother is the same. No deep conversations everything swept under the rug like there is nothing wrong because they dont want to deal with it. Sad
Every time I start to cry, my husband goes into a narcissist rage.
Right
...I know. He will say...see this is why I dont talk to u...look at how your behaving.
I’m just a dumb 24 year old but please leave🥺 I’ve seen how impossible it is with my own parents, but I hope you find peace. My dad finally did.
It is so a thing! Never felt so lonely before, even when I was single.
Whats worse is that in font of other people and when u r not around the create a facade that they super care about u and adore u and cherish you and think your awesome. It's so sick and evil beyond anything imaginable. The silent suffering and confusion and isolation is indescribable. As they r so charming and deceiving in public it puts the skills of cult leaders to shame.
This is absolutely real. So many refuse to heal and continue to hurt those they claim to love
Hi Dr Hawkins
Agree it’s absolutely ‘a thing!’
For me, his withholding was HUGE! My ex withheld his attention, caring, interest, concern, and he especially withheld his presence!! And would ‘act’ preoccupied & sometimes indifferent. Maybe because that was what I called him out on? (Because he showed a pattern of doing the exact things more frequently that I’d brought to his attention that hurt).
Only thing I could rely on, was his satisfied smirk if he successfully baited a reaction from me! Reply don’t react has been my go to since.
Don't you know it!!
41 years ,stuck financially so put up ...
Stone wall, not changing behaviors, laying, manipulates, is busy mater what the subject .
Absolutely no affection, sex ,for 30 years .. Will nit address, just says its his fault will not change or get help.
He is a very hard worker and never raises his voice ever . But the dismissed feelings of his iwn and mine have taken a terrible toll, i am certain on us both.
Reciprocity is a feature of a healthy relationship. That is the basis of any healthy relationship, and the lack thereof is a sign of a dysfunctional situation.
This bescribes my 40 years of marriage so well. It`s spot on! Now I am really ill, struggling with CPTSD, and severe painproblems, am disabled, but enough is enough. The problem is that everyone belive he is so amazing, and I am the problem, so I will probably loose a lot of friends and even familymembers. It`s really hard, but now I cant handle it anymore. Thank you for describing this problem so well... 🙏♥
You poor thing.😢
It's 100% a thing! Every aspect of what you said and then some. Too be completely isolated by your emotional abuser and then to be completely ignored and emotionally neglected. It's soul destroying.
Dr. Hawkins, this series of videos on living with a narc has lots of information never heard before. I am myself in an abusive relationship for the last 28 years. The kids are finally grown up and I am thinking about my options. Thank you so much.
We just posted a Reel for people trying to decide if their relationship is worth pursuing or not. You can find it on Instagram, or watch the full video here: th-cam.com/video/32Yiaa-Ws2k/w-d-xo.html
No time for me, just for his cars, motorcycles, and whatever else he deems important over me. Nothing but excuses. I’m the lowest on the totem pole. And now, another adult child, and grandchild has come out from his past. Five children by 5 different moms. We’ve been together a little over a year and a half. My 36 year old daughter passed away last year, and I’ve been going through it alone. I’m over it, and that’s why I’m watching videos like this. Getting strong, and making changes. Just started taking my own yt channel seriously. I’m worthy of all good things. Thank you for this video🌹❤️
Sounds just like my ex. He's a narc and most likely cheating on you. They live double lives.
So very sorry for your loss. Please find someone who loves you.
Agree completely! The plants got more concern and attention than i did. For real!
Here I am again in SHOCK! How did I not know any of this?? I’ve been so deceived 😢😢 Part of me doesn’t want to believe this but it’s all to familiar like you know everything I’ve been through 🙏🙏 God must have lead me here I’ve been praying asking for direction and understanding!
Yes, this is 100% on point. The 5 points describe perfecting what is emotional neglect. Thank you so much for labeling it what it is.... emotional abuse.
Glad to hear you found it helpful, thanks for your comment
"A withering of the spirit". Sums it up perfectly.
They are just emotionally unavailable and it's brutal.
Heartbreaking 💔
They are users🤫
There was no bigger pain in my life than when I experienced all of these points altogether. Just to see how the person dismisses my cries for love (and not nagging or similar but vulnerable requests)
Yes... It can relate to much.... especially to your characterization of a "withering spirit" .... I feel withered and exhausted
Here are some videos that we hope can help you heal: Healing From Emotional Abuse playlist:
th-cam.com/play/PLzb_gedZa6y5VGEhh3V4Qt_Ksb0CNFdIz.html
This exactly summed up my marriage that I was stuck in for 18 years. There was no "obvious" abuse, so I didn't feel like I had a good reason to leave until I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm now in a new relationship, but I find myself struggling to trust him and I'm constantly second-guessing myself and his motives. I wonder if he's gaslighting me, love-bombing, or manipulating me. How do I get out of my head and truly believe that he loves me and is giving me genuine care and affection?
I don't know but, I understand.
I am praying for you 🙏
My first husband and my father were emotionally neglected to me. My second husband is wonderful ❤
My husband ignores me..The only time he says a wotd to me is when he yelling. He has never given me a compliment! Never makes eye contact! Never touched my hair. Parts of my body in 26 years he has never touched! I have laid in bed crying wanting to be held and he will just turn his back.I feel so hurt and heartbroken .I cannot live like this
You don't have to.
I’m so sorry to hear that. You deserve better!
Yip that's one of the many reasons I left, mental, emotional and financial abuse!! It is wicked!!!
I can't leave...no income, no place to go. It's just easier to stay.
We all need to get together for a group hug.
I have been experiencing this for year. My husband refuses to listen to my needs and projects his frustration towards me, instead of addressing the core issues. We are now technically separated in different rooms in our home, living separated lives.
You are absolutely correct with “emotional abuse”. Thank you.
Yes a withering of the spirit. After being controlled by angry comments when sharing the day. Jealousy over finding happiness with anyone or anything else. Even with his own children.
Aptly described, thanks for your comment
I absolutely think it's a thing because I've been living this's for 18 years. All 5 points are tight on. It has absolutely devastated my life. I'm trying to get free.
You helped me so very much on my journey back to sanity after I left my abusive x. I had a couple years of healing under my belt when I moved in with my oldest son and his family. Sadly, he's suffering the same thing I was delivered from. Such a shame.
So glad you found it helpful, thanks for your comment.
It has been helpful, Thankyou. 4 out of 5 of your comments are exactly what I experience in my marriage. Our life is great so long as I don’t want to talk about anything to do with ‘us’ at an intimate level, it’s at these times things get ugly & I cop the very things you’ve mentioned are emotional abuse.
So glad you found this helpful, thanks for your feedback
Yes, everything's fine until you share your feelings with them. They will tune out, minimize, or defend.
Yes I pne that's in a emotional abuse relationship and I'm getting so tired and drained from it
I have been in an emotionally abusive and neglectful marriage for 4 years. I can 100% relate to this video. My husband could not care any less how he treats me, what he says to me, or how he makes me feel. I know I can't count on him. The neglect started the day before we got married. I was too embarrassed to cancel the wedding. Oftentimes, we agree on something, and he does something completely opposite, then acts like he does not understand why I am upset about being lied to. He humiliated and embarrassed me. He broke every single of the marriage vows, including the forsaking all others. Rather than focusing on the marriage that he created nothing but havoc in, he went to chase after another woman and even had the balls to invite her to our marital home for a party as if there was nothing wrong with that level of betrayl.
So sorry to hear you are experiencing this. We have many videos that can help you start thinking about how to heal.
Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse
th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
Break Free of Emotional Abuse and Heal: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
Finding Healing
th-cam.com/video/I5N5t_mQiTA/w-d-xo.html
Spouse Won't Go To Counseling!
What Are My Options?
th-cam.com/video/O0Q_In9nKKI/w-d-xo.html
@drdavidbhawkins Thank you so much, Dr. Hawkins. I sincerely appreciate all of your videos.
@@drdavidbhawkinsthank you Dr. Hawkins I can relate to all 5 points of emotional abuse. When my “husband” said I do, he didn’t and doesn’t.
I’m going to watch all these videos you referenced.
I appreciate everything you said. I could really understand when you highlighted the difference between emotional neglect and a healthy relationship. It really broke my heart. My mother, who is now 83, emotionally neglected me throughout my life. She never saw me, never knew me, never was there for me. I was married to the male version of her, I consider both covert narcissists, for 30 years. Now I am married to a classic narcissist and everything you said about emotional neglect holds true. I have such a sadness inside. I am struggling to figure out if or how I should leave this marriage. I am settling for so much less. I do not emotionally neglect, but I allow it to be done to me. I realize what I am missing more clearly after listening to you speak on this.
I can so relate to your story as mine is so similar..it just saddens me that we have so much to offer a partner (as we are very loving and affectionate ppl) but yet we are attracted to the very ppl who rejects and neglects us, it's like attracting your your mother over and over again (subconsciously)🙁 it's just a vicious cycle that makes you wonder if it will ever be broken...😔
"Does that resonate with you? I'd like to hear from you on this... give me your impressions." THAT part stopped me in my tracks and rewind to hear again because THAT is the type of "How was your day?" or organic conversation that long and hope for from my husband. We can talk on the phone or in person about things that need to be said like what's your plan for dinner or should I come home or stay at my mom's house or just any little part of daily life and it's awkward-- there's no connection-- it's like super opposite of that passionate, intelligent, emotionally connected string of phrases that you put together for your listeners. And, like, for us to actually respond and give you our impression and give you our feedback and give you our ideas on it is the perfect example of healthy conversational exchange that is clearly absent from this neglect type of relationship. I can ask my husband for his thoughts on this or that and I'm gonna get a blank stare or staring at the phone or pretending to sleep or walk away or closing his eyes or saying whatever you want or I don't care or it doesn't matter or OK or some just you know unconnected type of answer. And sometimes I follow up with "Did you hear me?" because the neglect is so real that there's often no indication at all whether he is silently absorbing what I've said, or composing an answer silently, or tuning me out like an interrupting background noise.
Thank you ! I have never been in an emotional healthy relationship. I use to believe it was all me. I am a middle child of 5, grew up with verbal abuse. Married for 25 years,. Physically and emotionally abused. Only stopped when I adopted my son, because he knew I would never allow our son to grow up in a home like that. I guess he got board, started fooling around with married girl from work. Husband called and she had an apartment for them both to stay at. 2 days latter he left. Then I met a guy who just moved his stuff into my home. Extreme narcissistic personality. I FEEL SO STUPID! I have no power or voice and it is my home. I am ashamed that I am afraid to be on my own. I am 62
Deep down we all fear being alone, it is natural. Thanks for sharing your story, and we hope these videos will help you take the first steps towards healing:
Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse
th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
Break Free of Emotional Abuse and Heal: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
Finding Healing
th-cam.com/video/I5N5t_mQiTA/w-d-xo.html
Thank you for all of your podcasts and dedication. I will watch these. I try and watch all of your podcasts.
I have tried to do a lot of work on myself. I would like to say that my biggest mistake was not speaking up about my physical abuse from my husband. I kept quiet because we had lost our 5 year old daughter in a car accident. So I did keep the abuse quiet. We moved by his family, who knew but would not talk to him about it. So please, first, if you do not speak up, it will continue. funny, the moment I found the strength to have our son grow up in that type of environment, he was able to stop. I do not feel like I am a victim, but I do have codependent, and I am overly empathic. I guess I would rather help others than fix myself. Now, I am trying to fix myself. Thank you for listening.
I was emotionally neglected as a child. So I naturally married an emotionally neglectful man. Has taken 4 decades for me to realise I deserve better.
I have just discovered you. Thankyou for existing. I feel you are talking to me. Just started therapy in my area, it will take me the rest of my life to heal.
Please look into non- attachment. Its where we can become aware of our thougts and how they make us feel. This mindfulness opens our intuition connection and we can work with the feeling from source. Isolating the feeling within the body we are able to disperse the trauma flex through breathing and balancing. Its difficult but you are the only one who can do it.
DR Hawkins … I experienced that for 20 years even upto now where I’m finally wanting to leave and voiced it out
Hit the nail on the head. Extremely true and important and relatable
Glad you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback
This really hits home for me. I've been married for 26 years and have suffered emotional neglect in all these points. It is devastating and I have physically and emotionally fallen apart under it. Please keep speaking on the topic.
Dealing with this now.
- I’m seeing that when married I saw her as a teammate and craved Affection INSTEAD of continuing the male/female dynamic of Desire…….. THAT and working away from home made her “dry up” and see me as an asset that provides a service.
Respect went along with civility - then the years of neglect started (sexless marriage).
Getting myself tuned back into masculine and returning to having an objective gets my eyes off of looking to my wife for validation. ITS ON YOU TO BE YOU (Not them).
They will then change their mind seeing that THEY are NOT your focus and you are not NEEDY.
From this, you begin to see it and if you reengage with this person, SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING !!!! set boundaries and keep them.
MY Good Bad Ugly letter to my spouse while he was in one of your programs spoke to not only the abuse. It also describe behavior and events that were clear examples of emotional neglect. I wish I had been able to have seen this video prior to writing that 35 page document. It would have assisted me to speak to more instances as examples. Unfortunately, my spouse was not successful with assimilating the data you provided in your programs. For my personal safety I moved forward from separation to divorce, which hopefully will be final by the end of this year. It helps to be able to identify the acts of commision as well as omission for clarity and healing.
22 years of my husband, making fun of me.... that I had feelings; dismissed and ignored. The pain has been profound. I have been invisible.
Yup, same here......
I too say emotional neglect is abuse. My husband knew I was begging for attention and he would say that I'm way too needy and clingy, which made me feel bad about myself. I used to wonder what was wrong with me? This video has spot on information. Thank you.
This definitely fits my 45 year marriage. It started with constant low level criticism and belittling ("no one wants to hear your opinion"), and if I said "are you mad at me" "no of course not" but then if I tried to get a hug or bit of affection, I would be pushed away, or pushed off his lap onto the floor (in spite of expecting to have sex every night). If I cried I was completely ignored. If I was wondering where he was going he would say "are you my mother?" and leave. He would pray with others about issues but never in 45 years with me. After 10 years of trying to please him, while having and raising 4 little children while he traveled and rarely spent time with me or them, I snapped and if he criticized me I would yell at him. That was gasoline on the fire, and he would always up the ante rather than apologize. 16 years in, after 3 years of chronic fatigue, where he would not make the slightest change to acknowledge I was sick (like helping me carry in the groceries which hurt my arms so much--- didn't want to be "co dependent" with me) I demanded counseling through those in spiritual authority over us, and he was furious that I accused him of verbal abuse, and furious at them for "siding with" me, threatened to leave with the kids or commit adultery. 2 years of non-cooperation and gaslighting me to counselors, sulking and leaving the kids for me to raise alone (by now all teenagers) [he was a jock, soccer, basketball, volleyball, but didn't so much as teach our boys to throw or bounce or kick a ball], the Lord finally spoke to him and told him he needed to stop blaming me for all our problems because He had work to do with him. The next 20 years were much better, less criticism, but still emotionally not available, didn't visit me at hospital when I had an operation, etc. etc. However, I was shocked when I was honored at work and read him the glowing things people had written about me and he was furious and said they didn't really know me. I thought he would be proud. Now 45 years in, with prostate cancer and loss of sexual ability, he wants us to have a "more personal relationship," but frankly I did "emotionally divorce" him decades ago for my own sanity, not wanting or seeking any emotional connection with him. Is there any hope for change before he dies (he is almost 80) or will trying not be worth the effort? It has affected our kids and grandkids and emotional distance is the rule, much to my sadness. Can anything be done to change our family dynamic at least? How do I access your free ebooks?
Yes this is definitely a real thing and needs more content on it. So many of my family members are emotionally neglectful and it's really a testament to the lack of help and counseling that they are getting
Yes especially when verbal abuse is involved. It’s the most painful thing in the world.
I hope one day I will look back on these videos as a distant memory.
This explains my relationship and validates how I feel
Glad you found it helpful. We specialize in healing marriage wounds and rebuilding connection. Please reach out to learn how we can help. info@marriagerecoverycenter.com You can also go to our website and get instant access to our free eBook Hope and Healing for Your Relationship. www.marriagerecoverycenter.com
I have lived this for 33 years. My kids have been affected in their relationships. I'm sick and tired of it all.
I had a hysterectomy a few years ago. He was two hours late picking me up the following day, all my pain meds had wore off and they wouldn't give me more because i was "discharged." Not even Tylenol. And he pouted because I didn't want to stop and eat on the way home. He stopped anyway! Then he dropped me off and I hardly seen him for six weeks ("constant overtime.... Yeah sure) until right when I was going back to work. I had to do recovery totally on my own.
That's just one of hundreds maybe thousands of instances.
I'm tired. I just want out.
One of the things my narc does is when I'm upset or hurt about something its like I gave him the green light to gaslight me and start tearing me down. Tearing my kids down. Berating me, humiliating me. So I do whatever I can to NEVER trust that his friendliness is an opportunity to share and be open about things. So sad that we mainly talk about the weather or traffic...ugh Its a miserable life for me. Trying to get out now.
Yup, me too........and the whole relationship including his drinking is my fault according to him. I can't have any conversations with him ever, they all result in a row, I have to stay away. I'm done with him, just fed up after trying for 20 years.
Dr. Hawkins, I am in a relationship just like this. I have been married to the same man for 40 years and he has always been some of this way, but in April 2019 he became a lot worse. He started punishing me because I fell and broke my hip and his dream of having sex all of the time was stopped, he thought forever. He has belittled me, cut me down, got his humor at my expense, called me a lazy bitch, and lots more. I had to have emergency surgery and I spent the entire week in the hospital alone. Things finally got so bad, that I moved into the other room in our house because I couldn't even sleep on the room with him because he would blare the TV, or do carpentry at 2 & 3 in the morning.
It got so bad that my body literally took over and I went through almost a nervous breakdown for a year and a half. When I finally was able to get out of the shutdown it was because I was suicidal, do I left and things drastically hit worse. Even though I never thought at that point it could get any worse, but OMG it got horribly worse.
I want to come to your treatment facility but I live on Louisiana.
I am going to reach out to your organization and hopefully I will hear from you.
I need some help, and I need it ASAP please
34 years of asking, begging, pleading, and the result of blaming myself for not being good enough, not trying hard enough, not doing this right thing. All to discover that even when I gave 150% all that happened was every ounce of love, compassikn, caring, happiness, and truth of who I am was SUCKED out of me..evfncshen presented with Divorce he said ,
" This is how I have always been"
No desire to grow, change, try, or put any energy into us, only him. His wants, needs, desires, and hobbies. I wasted my life trying to prove my love on a man who could not and Chose not try.
Thank you. There was so much abuse, I hadn’t thought about these things.
“A withering of the spirit”. Mic drop
Right!
FYI we are starving for this kind of content so thank you so very much.
Yes, it's a thing. My current partner neglects me and gives his 100% attention to his daughter. It's worse, residing in the same house and going through these every single day.
I understand how you feel.
All the points-spot on. Can come with a list concerns that mention need to be worked on-no response, nothing mentioned about it again. Ignored dismissed.
Yes constantly
Sorry to hear this has been your experience. Thanks for your comment
Yes..6 years of this with my husband, destroyed my self worth and self value which led me to run right into the arms if a narcissist. Uugh
Yes! Emotionally neglected by my spouse who has an alcohol addiction. Most of the time he just throws “breadcrumbs”. Working on my self esteem and everything else… a blessing and a curse. Thank you for this helpful talk
I love my wife but I can’t get her to listen to me. I’ve tried everything. It is absolutely impossible. We’ve been married for for almost 25 years and she is Thai and I’m British.
We’re a similar age and she’s university educated and a kind person at heart.
Yet I can’t get her to listen to anything I’m feeling. We experienced a lot of trauma when we were living in Thailand (we lived there 15 years) and we were forcibly separated for 2 years during the pandemic.
So we didn’t see each other again until 2022 when she was finally able to get a plane over. We have a 12 year old son.
I don’t mind her sleeping in the other room (which she’s done almost since the time she got back) but she is impossible to communicate with.
It’s very passive aggressive as she always refuses to ever talk with me when I need her to.
She comes in tells me her troubles on occasion and I listen patiently, and try to be helpful.
The moment she’s finished telling me her problems, she walks away no matter what I say - she doesn’t hear.
This is not just a Thai/British cultural difference as her Thai friends have told me they feel completely the same when trying to talk to her.
Her family (who are well educated and teachers) tell her over and over to listen. This in both tier interactions with her and their observations in how she doesn’t listen to anything I’m feeling.
It’s so exhausting I give up trying. It is beyond everybody’s comprehension.
She seems to have some type of brain difference that firstly means she just will not hear. I tried to talk to her just now about her not listening and she lay on the ground and covered her ears.
Then she walks off and dismisses me leaving me alone with a sense of total despair and hopelessness.
Nobody would even believe how extreme this is.
Nobody understood it in Thailand. Her family and friends confided in me about if and even asked how can I tolerate it?!
Also she has zero cognitive empathy. I can’t even get her to understand the concept of seeing things from another person’s mindset.
But apart from this she is genuinely a good person.
I’m at a loss tbh as I’ve tried everything.
It’s an unusual situation as almost every one else say their husband or boyfriend doesn’t listen.
So I’m one of the very few men on here who has a wife with some type of brain difference, where she can’t either listen nor has an understanding of cognitive empathy- it’s completely absent in her.
I can’t count on her. I have learned that the only person I can count on is myself. I’m very aware of depth psychology and her lack of attention to me; has helped me reach what seems to be a unification with my persona and the human soul in harmony.
But I experience strong waves of loneliness, insomnia and isolation almost every night still.
th-cam.com/video/r_OOdAGhTmk/w-d-xo.htmlsi=ZVZfRt191rnjnmJE
Oh my. That's a perfect description of what I'm dealing with. I don't understand because this has been going on f or 5 months. I've known him for 8 years.
Yes! Yes! Yes! I can't say that enough! Please do more! You are the best!
We have always had difficulties in our relationship. No need to go into the history! The one area I find most painful, is when we are mixing with others. It is incredibly painful for me when my husband will make subtle jokes about me or asides. He will let me make all the effort and then not show the support or validation by word or gesture. We are ageing now and there are always at least two angles to look at things but I just feel an intense sadness. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
What is definitely a thing I was married to somebody for 23 years that was emotionally neglectful to me and it was awful
After over 20 years of marriage, my husband began an adulterous relationship. The emotional neglect and abandonment has been devastating. He was more faithful to his affair partner than to God or our marriage. He divorced me me after 6 years of telling me he was going to try and work on our marriage but never put forth any real effort. He’s still with her, comes into town to see her and his actions have left me and our family broken. “Withering of the spirit”, that’s exactly how it feels.
I learned when I share video, as mentioned within the first minute of this great video, people seemed to takes offense to a video received by me. This video explains quite a bit. Have felt lost my entire life, starting early teen years.
Yes
You are on the mark.
I have been hunting and pecking about online, searching because of an emotional betrayal/ rupture in my relationship of 16 years.
What you say, and the points you lay out here are so clear, and evidenced in my current situation. Thank you for taking the time to create this content.
I have been struggling to put my finger on the issues at hand in my situation, give it a name.
Oh my god I feel so validated. Every relationship I’ve never had they were so emotionally neglectful. I thought men just weren’t capable of emotional caring I needed. This was my upbringing too.
your video got me crying. i always hoped our relationship would turn into the positive relationships you are describing. it's more and more of a void the more he works. i love him so much tho . i can't handle the isolation and loneliness and ignoring my needs just so he can have his needs met. i feel emotionally uncared for. no wonder his favorite plants dont require care. attempts to get close are met with "well, you try at the wrong time." or "you don't ask if it's okay." or there's always something wrong with how /when/why showing him love and affection. can't do anything right. i'm so tired. how can you love someone and yourself if there's little to no love back? thank you for this video.
This is totally a thing; this is what my wife started doing after the “I do’s” were done and just after the ink dried…if it were not for my child I wouldn’t still be here… I subscribed because I feel that I can get something out of this channel for healing (which I need)
Although most of our videos refer to the abuser/narcissist as "he", the content applies to both men and women. We have many videos on healing which you can find here: Healing From Emotional Abuse playlist:
th-cam.com/play/PLzb_gedZa6y5VGEhh3V4Qt_Ksb0CNFdIz.html
We also have some videos that specifically address the impact of emotional abuse on men: th-cam.com/video/N68Ch10E51k/w-d-xo.html
I completely agree this is a thing..my husband also stonewalls me all the time. I'm right now thinking it's time we separate, but unfortunately We don't have the funds for separate housing..so I feel so stuck..like I have to stay in this unhealthy relationship..I'm beside myself..thank you for all your videos. I just ran across last week..been watching ever since. Thank you