You can still bring up deleted messages. Just type in a word in the search bar and it will pull all messages even deleted ones. You won’t be able to read it all because it’s deleted, but it would be enough, I’m sure.
@@Censoredbyfscists Depends really on what happened first. If your partner is being shady then it is okay to check but if thi go are good and you are just being controlling then that is wrong
Cheating isn’t always about secrecy. Some people are THAT disrespectful and will cheat on you in front of you and gaslight you about it because they’re that messed up.
If you wouldn't do it in front of your wife, its cheating.Unless he agrees to couples counseling and giving you full access to his phone and starts earning your trust back, it will never work
Jess In the call she said herself she was not showing affection, I am sure the husband just wanted to be desired again and that led him to his cheating. Earning trust is not enough, both parties need to really be dedicated to saving the relationship, even if that means making personal changes to habit or behavior.
Don't lose your naivete either 😉 Of course there are folks who don't cheat - they also get the value of the saying "the appearance of impropriety might as well be impropriety" and will do all they can to avoid even the appearance of misbehavior or nip it in the bud when it rears up. Those occasions will be rare. Does this behavior continue? Is there more than 1 text / comment/ message? If you're seeing the appearance repeatedly of improproety, he could have just gotten lazy about hiding it because he feels he doesn'f have to - feels you're *that* gullible. Or perhaps it's innocent. But in that case his concern should be your feelings and helping you through the hurt and harm he caused your relationship with that mistake - his focus will not be on trying to convince you you don't have a right to your feelings or that you're overreacting. He'll prioritize protecting you over his relationship with her.
I’m single not looking for a relationship and I get really depressed how man guys (married or in a relationship) hit on me because they think I don’t mind sleeping with a guy that’s taken. That is sooooooo gross. It makes me wan na be single even more. I care more about their girlfriends and wife’s than they do. DISGUSTING. I would tell the wife’s immediately if I knew them.
Thank you for being an honorable person and respecting fellow women, even if these gross men do not. I wish more people respected other people's marriages.
@sarahd6410 I only feel sorry for the sad lost man because if she is not okay with it she will leave him lonely (that should be the narrative). The only time I feel sad is for the kids because they did not choose their parents. I also don't think woman understand the power they have when it comes to men being faithful. If more good woman turned these type of men down and left when he did cheat (emotional cheat), a lot more men would reconsider before doing stuff like this. Also, women need to have these conversation and communicate from the beginning about deal breakers and not assume that he will be faithful, no matter how non romantic it may be.
Its cheating because he is acting single. He will always do this, until he looses everything. He wants the benefits of being married without the commitment.
Its called emotional cheating which then leads to physical infidelity. My ex of 23 years gave a lot of attention to a woman on Facebook and cheated with her. I saw this coming and told him not to engage. He played it off as harmless. Warning signs were there be aware.
@JDAfrica 😂 Yes, sure. A 1000 % more men stand in line to give a woman the good sex she might be lacking in her relationship. According to your logic, most women should cheat
Im going through almost the exact same thing. He shows all the signs this caller talks about. Gaurded about his phone, locks phone, withdrawn, disinterested. She messaged me on facebook and said they were sleeping together. Of course he denied it. I checked his phone one time and yep, topless pics of her. He just couldnt stay away from her started talking to her on the phone openly in front of me. Confronted him again. He denied it. She sent me an email saying they were sleeping together. He denied it. Then he got super sneaky and i caught him talking to her in the middle of the night. I left right there at 330 am. Very sad but i feel betrayed and he's untrustworthy and clearly thinks im stupid.
@@gelyc5407 thank you for your understanding and support. I think dr d is right, that he still loves me but he just cant bring himself to admit regret or apologize. I agree karma gets people who lack integrity.
I don’t like the narrative about how people need excitement or whatever and that causes them to cheat... Dave always says, “children do what feels good, adult devise a plan and follow it.”
Still adults are feeling temptation to do what feels good... We are just more experienced children, and the smart adults knows they have a choice to do what they feel or do what the need.
@Nurse A not everyone who is emotionally immature is a narcissist... that term is very overused. I even bought into thinking my partner was a narcissist because the shoe seemed to fit from my perspective but he was just partying too much and had emotional regulation problems. Labelling him that way prevented me from seeing how I was contributing to our toxic dynamic. We took a one year break and that was the time we both needed to grow up, take responsibility for ourselves and get emotional stability. It’s ten years since we first got together and the first 7 years seem like a bad dream to both of us but we both now understand that the quality of our relationship depends on us and we worked together to develop a healthy, mature and stable dynamic together.
Yep, the culture of me me me certainly doesn’t do us any favours when it comes to developing the maturity and skills to have a rewarding and stable partnership.
Except I also think novelty helps maintain chemistry... but that should be a joint effort ... ie trying new things together, surprising eachother, lingerie, vacations etc.
@@lorettagreen6794 I loved the differentiation you used between a narcissist and someone who is emotionally immature. I’ve seen the word being thrown around often and a lot of times the title doesn’t fit. It’s refreshing to see people dive a little deeper than surface level name calling.
A friend of mine conducts many emotional affairs online, as well as being very promiscuous with one night stands. She is in a 20 year relationship with a good man, she even says that. When I confronted her about what she was doing I asked her how she would feel if he was doing what she was doing, she got upset with me and said I should support her because I was her friend. I am no longer her friend, because at the end of the day, she is not a quality person and is undeserving of my friendship. It is black and white for me.
Well, I can say being a guy. I can't remember a single time I messaged any woman that wasn't part of my family that I at least wasn't attempting or looking for an avenue of "pursuit." That is just the way a huge majority of men are.
So I have seen a lot of men agreeing to the cheating/text message theme here...Honestly what is a person suppose to do going into a relationship on that subject??? I don't want to be THAT controlling woman yet I want to know and Not get played 😞😞😞 Open cell policy???
1. He is a cheater. 2. John should not have came down on her, asking her if she made him feel desired etc. It is absolutely not her fault that her husband betrayed their marriage, her and her trust. 3. There's no need to continue putting in anymore effort into the relationship. She needs to get her things in order to divorce him.
There is certain responsability in each member of the couple, even if you were the person that suffered the infidelity. I been there and I had to go to that awful road to understand what I did to contribute to my partner's cheating. Let me téll you, I saw a lot of things that weren't ok, and I have to accept I wasn't as good partner as I belived. As Esther Perel says: understanding isn't the same as justification. I understand many things, of course them don't justify the lies and the pain I got from the experience.
It takes two to make a marriage! It is most important to get premarital counseling! I think they both need to do couples therapy! If therapy doesn't work, then split! If your both not invested in saving the relationship, it's over.
Exactly. Cheating is about that person’s character, not the other spouse’s lack of effort. Sure, it takes two people to have a relationship, but only one to step out.
Angela all relationships take work but it’s so rewarding to have someone you know is there for you. I’ve been married 41 years and my husband has health issues. It’s a honor and a blessing to be there for him .🙏🏻
The fact that she is asking "is he cheating?" really concerns me. Why is she ignoring the obvious signs? Of course he does! Lusting after other women and romancing with them while being in a relationship is called emotional cheating which is also cheating since it always leads to physical cheating. He is already cheating on you in his heart so this should be clear enough. Just wait till he gets the opportunity to do it physically. Just leave him this relationship is already doomed. You don't want to spend the rest of your life playing detective for such a weak man and live on your toes cause you suspect he is going to cheat again. It's not worth it. He is gonna run to other women every time things get rough.
You are so spot on. I've been playing detective since I've been cheated(when I was pregnant) on and I'm so miserable and tired. I haven't been able to leave my relationship because I'm currently dependant on him financially. I'm struggling to get my business up and running cause of resources..
@@blueseptember2174 As far as infidelity goes... That has stopped completely. I gave him an ultimatum to either continue with his womanizing ways after we seperate or he stops and we work on raising our son. I still am lacking in resources to stand on my own two feet so...
@@Somegirl3602 1st, I feel you, Sister. Love that you're also a businesswoman. Be patient and keep working at it. Like parenting, you"ll learn what works for you. Some amazing biz mentors on the TH-cam these days, too. 2nd, also some great resources on here to recover from this either way. YT search Affair Recovery or Marriage Helper... Or Happily Committed. They all have video libraries that might be helpful for coping until your biz takes off and might be able to help you best figure out your next step or have service options you can afford. Watch them with a journal you can jot your feelings down with. So you don't leave crazy obnoxious comments like I do. 😆 Stay strong and as much as possible, keep focused on your goals for happiness and/or success & freedom - regardless of how he responds. If you focus on making you happy, respecting yourself, conducting yourself with class and dignity come what may, then however the chips fall, you'll win. The prize will be a stronger relationship with your, self reliance, and trust for your instincts. Improving yourself for your own benefit, physically, emotionally, spiritually and health or mental health wise. Taking great care of yourself will help strengthen you no matter how it shakes out. Get help for you. Some sort of counseling that can support you through this when he fails to do so. You're worth supporting even if not through your connection to him. I hope for the best for you. If you're exhausted by the detection game, it means you're more focused on catching or controlling him than on stabilizing you for either way. Been there done that. It's a rabbit hole that robs you of time, energy, sanity, and trust from him. If you have evidence, his words won't matter. The evidence will speak louder than his words ever could. That's enough. Some men continue to lie even when confronted with a mystery bra from your wash or a text log showing patterns like he communicates with one number each day when he first wakes up and before bed or constantly every hour except on certain days that he also happened to "work late" or Instagram comments between them that clearly and publicly show at least his pursuit of her or whatever. If you take your focus off what he might be doing, you'll have more energy, time, and resilience to put toward the biz that will help you garner the resources you need to leave. Seeing you succeed might re-light his respect and desire for you... But by then you won't want him because you'll have created a better life for you. See friends and have fun to take the edge off. It will get better with time, but spending your time and exhausting resources on detective work will only serve to distract or deter your goals. Plus, it could be crushing depending on what you find out. Like crushing. At least mentally or emotionally, let his behavior be. You can't change or control it and he doesn't want to. That's clear enough, right? But you can start distancing yourself in other ways towards your dreams, goals, or visions of the life you want. Plenty of folks recover from infidelity with or without their partners or spouses and without feeling the crazy-making defective work does to your mental state. Get yourself some help or at least some inspiration to focus on that's positive instead of destructive. Detecting is exhausting you and if you know already, that's enough. I once accidentally spent a whole work day I could have been onboarding clients or completing assignments analyzing talk and text logs that showed an obvious pattern when I suspected him of cheating. He promised to minimize contact with that coworker and not long after the mystery bra appeared in our bedroom... He still denies it to the day, and has hidden some online evidence from me by deleting the accounts I saw he was communicating with her through. The guy thinks he's taking it to the grave even though it's obvious that he can keep lying, but it will only be to himself. I want to believe him and believe in us. We have 4 kids still mostly young or very young and literally can't afford to divorce now. But I helped him get a new job and move us to a safer neighborhood in a state across the country that he likes better than he liked his connection with her so at least we're out of those woods for now (although previously he'd had outstanding friendships with particular coworkers that follow a pattern: younger, single, childless, pretty, friendly females. He always has a work bestie and they always fit that mold - or if he works with all guys or no one there he's got for those jobs don't last he quits those. 😆 The girls keep him motivated and employed at least. One I naively joked was his "work wife" until he visited her at 1:00 a.m. to help "fix her toilet". Right. The old "gotta clean her pipes" excuse... 😆 So high school. I don't even care anymore. I'm too focused creating a life for my kkds and I that we love and bolstering us against the economic disaster our country has come to. Keeping my eyes on the prize realizing our future depends on me - with or without him onboard. I'm the only paddle I can power our kids up this proverbial creek with. Why waste time checking on him? He's not worth it. It's not worth the insanity it causes me or the pain that only continues to harm our family resources and destroy whatever might be left of our marriage someday. The less power you give his cheating and the less you respond to it, the more you can put your mind to constructive outcomes for you that will help you dig out. You can get through this. It hurts and you shouldn't have to but the less time you waste chasing his cheating arse the better you'll do for your family. Focus on you and what you can change and who you need to show up as today to get your economic engine purring instead of roaring then choking out, metaphorically. You can do this. Bootstrap it, Babe. By your boots - not his 😉 Detecting can destabilize you and drive you down when what you want is reasons or ability to look up, to reach for that direction. Here's your permission: You're worth it! You and your kid are worth it! Does he ever question his worth or value? Then why are you testing yours by detection? Go, girl. Chase Your dreams instead of your drama.
I’ve been dealing with a cheating spouse for over a decade . The same ole song and dance. What I can say is cheaters cheat. They may change for a period of time but they will cheat again. I’ve wasted so many years of my life on the “hope” of what our marriage could be.
Don't fall for the sunk-cost fallacy: "I've already put 10 years into this," "I've already invested so much..." He doesn't care if he hurts you or brings you home STDs. He doesn't love you. Why stay for someone who doesn't love you?
@@johnreed9050 If men would treat us like they want to be treated, we wouldn't have this issue. Stop being disrespectful. 3/4 of the time it's the man who cheats. How are women supposed to trust you?
Marriage is hard. We ALL feel neglected at some point, multiple points. When they say communication is key, it's not just a filler word. Marriage is work, and you get what you put in (🙄). And, if two people love one another, they can get through ANY dark periods in their marriage. ♥️
Not true. My ex wife thought I was “cheating” because I was being there for a friend during an extremely hard time. She felt that because she felt “emotionally neglected” that I was cheating because she thought I was giving more time/attention to a friend.
@@raiden031 trust your gut, just don't rely solely on it. Let it guide you to the next step. Telling people to not trust their instincts can be dangerous
@@doompod - You were cheating. Emotional infidelity is cheating. If you really loved your wife then you should have limited your interactions with the other woman. You broke her trust.
It really should be that simple. If you're going to want something new and shiny every few years, just choose to not commit.. that's a totally acceptable way to live... As long as you haven't committed to a singular relationship
Bahahahahahaha bitter much. Getting married is a poor mans game. You not good looking enough for the rich and you too good for the poor. Yea enjoy them cats 🐈 lmao
There is no possible relationship nor is there any man on earth that would make me go through this again. I am NOT going to beg any man to love me and not cheat on me. I will never ever monitor a man’s actions to see if he is cheating or using porn again. The amount of pain this immoral behavior causes is brutal. I don’t care if cheating makes men “feel alive “ or whatever. Even if a guy is not cheating, I will always wonder if they will or won’t. Im out!
That’s a very naive way to look at it. It is not his/her problem it’s THEIR problem. People don’t cheat just because of them selfs it’s usually a bunch of reasons.
Yeah. 100% his fault. I really don’t like how he advocated for the guy, like he could be texting a 72 year old co worker. The caller needed clarification for the fact that her husband is obviously cheating. She just needed to feel validated in her suspicion. I’m sure the husband is gaslighting her all the way and she’s confused.
Does it not feel like he blamed her instead of the man? I’ll be damned if me OR my wife are texting the opposite sex messages saying they think they’re attractive. That’s cheating. Period.
It felt that way to me. More ons than offs? That was totally triggering for me. Seriously? If I am and do enough, I keep him from cheating? There has been way too much of that kind of message to women. Signing off. Can’t do it.
He's done this before, she called him out....and now he's doing it again......he doesn't care how she feels. He is actively looking for an affair and probably has actually cheated on her. Secretive with his phone.........I learned the hard way, if you think it's happening it probably is and once a cheater always a cheater. Hard as it is I'd just leave him. i left my cheating ex after 7 years of violence and infidelity and never looked back, and I had 2 small kids to bring up, but we all had a better life without him.
What more evidence do you need? He cheating sis. Matthew 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Jesus already said it 🙏🏾
That's not true at all women stare at other men all the time, and find them attractive. Every person on earth has urges it's just the people that act on them that are considered bad.
@@NeedAVacay-y5u Admiring someone’s beauty vs lusting are completely different. Jesus is pretty clear on establishing the fact that you can sin in your mind
He's not trustworthy. The trust is gone and therefore the relationship is also gone. A man who loves and respects you wouldn't even have the desire to do this. I know it's easier said than done, but I don't think I could stay with him anymore. Have some self respect.
“Do you look at a screen more than you look at his eyes.” I think this is the majority of issues today. Between spouses, between child-parent, between friends, between neighbors, between strangers. So sad, but true.
If he felt the need to hide anything, it's cheating. That's my line I won't cross, I won't do anything I wouldn't immediately and happily tell my girlfriend about.
Cody! Move now! Like I was told by a healthcare provider, if you don't go you never will! You are grown! Your parents, have no right to emotionally control you! It's not wrong to have your own life!
This podcast/ show is very good. Hard topics are being addressed, helping me navigate thru my own challenges, which are not as large or significant as those of callers, yet the advice definetly helps. I love dr Ds approach to the situations, painting the picture, putting the bricks down, and most of all the resources you go to.
I have been accused of loving my man too much, complimenting him too much, trying too hard. Seriously, for some people, sometimes no matter what you do, the other person is not worthy, but you refuse to see that.
This is why I don't like conversing on social media with my male "friends" who are married. I question their motives. I'm also including men who live with their girlfriends. I always wonder why they feel the need to message me when they have a woman at home. My buddy from college has lived with the same woman for years, but he messages and calls me from time to time. I guess it's his way of checking in on me, but I know he's had a crush on me since college. I would hate it if I were married and my husband was messaging women behind my back.
I never thought I’d see the day when I felt more conservative than a Dave Ramsey personality. I like Esther Perel but I do feel her work is having a bad influence on the counseling field, encouraging people like Dr. John to ask questions like, “is it your singular goal every day to make your husband feel desired?” As if that’s the standard for expecting your spouse not to embarrass you by flirting with other people on the internet!
That's not what he said at all. He even said "not that it gives him a reason to cheat and I know I'm going to be taken out of context but".... He is simply saying yes he may have some explaining to do but we as married people have to look at ourselves too and see ourselves as we are. What have we done or not done to contribute to the mess we call our marriage. It doesn't mean the non cheating spouse is to blame but simply needs to reflect inward as well.
Regardless of anything else he's doing, I consider him messaging another woman and telling her she's attractive to be cheating. There's a lot of reasons for that but I'm probably considered weird for having that opinion anyway
I see this a lot. Why is that strong of a line considered so odd? We are supposed to put guns in a safe, jewels hidden, etc. Why not our hearts in our marriage getting at least equal protection?
@@rebekahcrook226 that's a really good point. That's a huge reason I stay far away from any of this type of behavior, so I can guard my heart from adultery, jealousy, comparisons, devisive thoughts etc. Most people do not realize the impact these kinds of things have on their heart and their relationships
Some people get high off the new, the forbidden. In those many cases you can be totally present as a spouse and they’ll still cheat. It’s the adrenaline fix they crave, and it’s like any other addiction out there.
He seem like a serial cheater to me. He has done this multiple times. He knows it’s wrong that’s why he is possessive over his phone. I don’t really agree with him on the first call.
I would say if he has the need to communicate with other women all the time that’s not good.If he’s hiding with secrets, then there’s no trust. Guarding his phone is just another bad sign.I would have a serious discussion with him about the relationship.
Man I feel so bad for the kid that called in. Sounds like he’s a good guy, it’s disgusting his parents are the ones trying to take his legs out from under him. I’m glad he’s trying to get out, I hope he builds himself a good life without those leeches.
Yeah… not sure about his advice on the cheater. From someone who was married to a narcissistic cheater (narcissism was validated by multiple therapists) I can tell you that there’s a good chance her spouse is doing and has done a lot more than she knows. The signs are all there. She can confront him like I confronted mine but he will most likely not take it well. And this will happen again and again along with a lot lot of gaslighting and crazy making. So no. I don’t agree with John’s advice. If this man is anything like the one I married, it only gets worse. Nothing you can do or say will make it better because you will never be enough for someone like that.
What woman on the planet finds a text message from another woman on her husband phone and then sets on it for 3 weeks? My butt would already be in the obituaries
Look something people don’t think about is having these conversations from the get-go. Talk about your boundaries talk about what counts and what doesn’t count to you. Talk about your preferences and what you’re not OK with. Talk about all your worries and concerns early so that you guys know and it’s not a secret. My parents have a mixed group of men and women in their lives but none of that is secret. we’ve had a lot of friends come and go, but There is always this understanding that your spouse comes first regardless of who your so-called “friends” are. Your husband/wife is still your number one friend and everyone else is pretty much on the back burner.
It DISLOYALTY and making the wife look like a fool to others and the fact that he’s hiding it, he knows it’s hurtful and wrong. Major respect to her for not totally blowing up on him. I don’t think I could have shown such restraint.
So finding out somebody was cheating on you. Is the exact same as somebody cheating on you. Good to know. I feel so bad for this woman and I hope that she finds the real help that in this world
I've learned never to go through the other person's phone. You will find what you are looking for. No matter what the truth is, anything you find will make you mad.
Respectfully, I don't think so. Phones are a relatively new invention in the grand scheme -- no one in history had a device like that that could be totally private. My husband doesn't hide his phone at all and I've looked through it out of boredom -- he doesn't have apps like Instagram and all his text messages are with male friends or his family.
@@bekahbaker1632 that's good, but most people have jealousy issues and start doing it looking for trouble, and they either find it or manufacture it. I'm good on the unnecessary drama, I won't look unless she needs me to.
To the 17-year old: you may need to work and save for a few months before you get to be independent. Get a second job and it’s OK to help a little either way basic bills but you can do this. Older people can get a simple job at Walmart or Hime Depot. It’s not easy to rent an apt you sometimes need a co signer. But focus on your education. Take Pell grants and no loans. Find your path and be on your own feet but just know there will be challenges. It’s irresponsible to tell this kid just go do it. There’s planning required and risks. We don’t want him on the streets.
Although I find it important to always ask yourself “what am I doing to show my love and affection in this partnership?”, it’s not up to her to make him feel loved enough to not cheat. If he is unhappy with anything, be it with himself, where his life is at or with the relationship, it is up to HIM to step up and voice HIS needs. This is why weekly or at least monthly check ins are so important. Not only with yourself, but with your partner.
The sexless marriage sounds like mine. At first he said it was stress and work and that’s why. Then it was just the way he was and I have to deal with it and then it was because he didn’t find me attractive and thought I was fat and lazy. We wanted kids, obviously it’s not happening because we don’t have sex. He refused to see a doctor or to have therapy. We are almost done with the divorce now.
These guys are checked out. They stay so they get food and clean clothes and don't have to pay alimony. Convenient way to avoid commiting to the other women too.
This show reminds me of Dr. Joy Browne out of NY years ago. Unfortunately she passed away some years ago, but Dr. John’s approach is so similar to hers. ❤️ this.
Cody could room with his brother, then they both get out. The parents will figure out how to support themselves pretty quick when the gravy train no longer stops at their station.
You will kill yourself trying to keep someone who does not want to be kept. I have been single for almost 8 years now and I cannot see anyone in this day and age gaining my trust enough to earn my love. It’s a sad world we live in.
I've heard guys say.....what's the big deal.....why are you trying to control me ...its just texting....aren't I allowed to have friends..blah! Blah! Blah!!
Making the decision to go through your partner's phone is an emotional point of no return. Clearly she was right not to trust him, but even had she found nothing, it speaks to deeper issues in their marriage.
You're protecting the cheater. If she brings this up he might end up gaslighting her. I understand, that cheating can come from being mistreated or unfulfilled. However, if there are indeed problems in the marriage, they both need to address them. He should've brought it up, so they can solve it. Instead, he opted for being disloyal. And now this poor woman might end up trying and trying to improve herself and being on her best behaviour to please the disloyal person. And she'll be always on her toes never ceasing to be afraid that he will cheat on her and she might not be a good enough spouse. That's no way to live.
This always comes down to your boundaries. My wife compliments other men in front of me and we both compliment women in front of each other.... its about agreeing to whats ok and not ok. for us, its ok to find someone attractive and vocalize it. its not ok to go touch them or start anything.
This message is for Cody (not sure of the spelling). You sound like a good kid with a good head on your shoulders. Make a plan to achieve your goals and when I say plan, I mean write out what you want to do and give things a timeline. Check in on your goals at specific intervals. You are on the path to changing your life and you need a plan. I wish you the best and nothing but excellent things in your future.
If your man keeps cheating on you no matter who you're with you need to go to therapy and find out whatever truama happened to you and heal before seeking another relationship.
I understand what John is saying about having your own boundaries and keeping secrets and all that stuff surrounding cheating, but I have to disagree with his definition. Jesus said if you even look at another with lust in your heart you have committed adultery. As a Christian, that is the definition. Just because someone doesn't mind porn in their marriage or flirting with others or even open relationships, that doesn't make those things okay. Of course everyone is allowed to do whatever they want inside their own marriage, but it doesn't then mean that God's definition of cheating changes.
This reminds me of the time a guy I used to know from high school slipped into my DMs on Facebook and started hitting on me. After talking for awhile, he asks me if I’m single. I said yes, of course. (my profile says I’m single as does his). So, it made me think to ask. I asked him if he was in a relationship and he said “No, not really. I’m just married.” I said, “Does your wife know you’re not in a relationship?” He then proceeded to tell the most convoluted story to justify messaging single women while still legally married and living in his marital home with his wife and child. Yeah, no buddy. *Blocked.* This woman needs to run. He’s a cheater and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s lying to his conquests about his marital status.
"Parts of the message were deleted." That is all you need to know right there. Why would it need to be deleted if it wasn't inappropriate?
Yeah if the stuff he left was questionable, imagine what was bad enough to make him feel like he had to erase it.
You can still bring up deleted messages. Just type in a word in the search bar and it will pull all messages even deleted ones. You won’t be able to read it all because it’s deleted, but it would be enough, I’m sure.
If she found some messages, I guarantee there’s a lot more she hasn’t seen.
If she checks his messages he should be shopping around.
@@Censoredbyfscists if hes not doing anything wrong and its a joint device, theres no issues
@@Censoredbyfscists Depends really on what happened first. If your partner is being shady then it is okay to check but if thi go are good and you are just being controlling then that is wrong
👆 This!
That's not helpful. We don't know the extent to this. It could just be the messages.
Cheating isn’t always about secrecy. Some people are THAT disrespectful and will cheat on you in front of you and gaslight you about it because they’re that messed up.
If you wouldn't do it in front of your wife, its cheating.Unless he agrees to couples counseling and giving you full access to his phone and starts earning your trust back, it will never work
That is a little absurd to say.
@@raiden031 how?
Jess In the call she said herself she was not showing affection, I am sure the husband just wanted to be desired again and that led him to his cheating.
Earning trust is not enough, both parties need to really be dedicated to saving the relationship, even if that means making personal changes to habit or behavior.
@@jessa4596 cheating should have a clear definition otherwise the word is diluted to be meaningless.
@@raiden031 i guess you also missed where she mentioned this wasnt his first time speaking to other women
Hey just so everyone knows, there are people who go their whole relationships for life and never cheat! It can happen don't lose hope or faith!
Amen.
Right!! People act like it’s just a given..
so true. it is so rare nowadays but we are out there
Don't lose your naivete either 😉 Of course there are folks who don't cheat - they also get the value of the saying "the appearance of impropriety might as well be impropriety" and will do all they can to avoid even the appearance of misbehavior or nip it in the bud when it rears up. Those occasions will be rare.
Does this behavior continue? Is there more than 1 text / comment/ message?
If you're seeing the appearance repeatedly of improproety, he could have just gotten lazy about hiding it because he feels he doesn'f have to - feels you're *that* gullible.
Or perhaps it's innocent. But in that case his concern should be your feelings and helping you through the hurt and harm he caused your relationship with that mistake - his focus will not be on trying to convince you you don't have a right to your feelings or that you're overreacting. He'll prioritize protecting you over his relationship with her.
Where is these mens who speak of?? I haven’t met one yet
I’m single not looking for a relationship and I get really depressed how man guys (married or in a relationship) hit on me because they think I don’t mind sleeping with a guy that’s taken. That is sooooooo gross. It makes me wan na be single even more. I care more about their girlfriends and wife’s than they do. DISGUSTING. I would tell the wife’s immediately if I knew them.
They're men. We're men. When we aren't happy we look elsewhere.
Thank you for being an honorable person and respecting fellow women, even if these gross men do not. I wish more people respected other people's marriages.
@@cdcnd4spd13 that's not a man that's a boy.
I had to do that once
@sarahd6410 I only feel sorry for the sad lost man because if she is not okay with it she will leave him lonely (that should be the narrative). The only time I feel sad is for the kids because they did not choose their parents. I also don't think woman understand the power they have when it comes to men being faithful. If more good woman turned these type of men down and left when he did cheat (emotional cheat), a lot more men would reconsider before doing stuff like this. Also, women need to have these conversation and communicate from the beginning about deal breakers and not assume that he will be faithful, no matter how non romantic it may be.
Its cheating because he is acting single. He will always do this, until he looses everything. He wants the benefits of being married without the commitment.
He's being sneaky and that's very telling.
He's cheating, and much of the advice given here was basically garage.
Girl, a good man does not cross those lines. He’s doing more than that, trust me. You already know the answer - take your life back and leave
He might not be yet, be it can certainly become the case
This this this
And if he hasn't yet - he's on the way to doing it.
Its called emotional cheating which then leads to physical infidelity. My ex of 23 years gave a lot of attention to a woman on Facebook and cheated with her. I saw this coming and told him not to engage. He played it off as harmless. Warning signs were there be aware.
Sorry for you. Very sad that you saw it coming but your husband didn’t take any notice to your warnings.
A lot of Women actively target men who are having relationship problems. Sadly, if the wife isn’t filling his needs, there’s a line of women who will.
@JDAfrica
😂 Yes, sure. A 1000 % more men stand in line to give a woman the good sex she might be lacking in her relationship. According to your logic, most women should cheat
A faithful man doesn’t do that ever!
Im going through almost the exact same thing. He shows all the signs this caller talks about. Gaurded about his phone, locks phone, withdrawn, disinterested. She messaged me on facebook and said they were sleeping together. Of course he denied it. I checked his phone one time and yep, topless pics of her. He just couldnt stay away from her started talking to her on the phone openly in front of me. Confronted him again. He denied it. She sent me an email saying they were sleeping together. He denied it. Then he got super sneaky and i caught him talking to her in the middle of the night. I left right there at 330 am. Very sad but i feel betrayed and he's untrustworthy and clearly thinks im stupid.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I’m praying for you to have much better days! Karma tends to handle people that do things like that.
@@gelyc5407 thank you for your understanding and support. I think dr d is right, that he still loves me but he just cant bring himself to admit regret or apologize. I agree karma gets people who lack integrity.
You’re better than that. Know your worth. You’re too good for that loser, invest in a nice hitachi and move on girl.
@@skunkycatog thanks for the support. Dave Ramsey is right when he says there is a manhood crisis in this country.
If your guy or your girl guard their phone like it has a million dollars in it from you, 99% chance there is something going on.
I don’t like the narrative about how people need excitement or whatever and that causes them to cheat... Dave always says, “children do what feels good, adult devise a plan and follow it.”
Still adults are feeling temptation to do what feels good... We are just more experienced children, and the smart adults knows they have a choice to do what they feel or do what the need.
@Nurse A not everyone who is emotionally immature is a narcissist... that term is very overused. I even bought into thinking my partner was a narcissist because the shoe seemed to fit from my perspective but he was just partying too much and had emotional regulation problems. Labelling him that way prevented me from seeing how I was contributing to our toxic dynamic. We took a one year break and that was the time we both needed to grow up, take responsibility for ourselves and get emotional stability. It’s ten years since we first got together and the first 7 years seem like a bad dream to both of us but we both now understand that the quality of our relationship depends on us and we worked together to develop a healthy, mature and stable dynamic together.
Yep, the culture of me me me certainly doesn’t do us any favours when it comes to developing the maturity and skills to have a rewarding and stable partnership.
Except I also think novelty helps maintain chemistry... but that should be a joint effort ... ie trying new things together, surprising eachother, lingerie, vacations etc.
@@lorettagreen6794 I loved the differentiation you used between a narcissist and someone who is emotionally immature. I’ve seen the word being thrown around often and a lot of times the title doesn’t fit. It’s refreshing to see people dive a little deeper than surface level name calling.
A friend of mine conducts many emotional affairs online, as well as being very promiscuous with one night stands. She is in a 20 year relationship with a good man, she even says that. When I confronted her about what she was doing I asked her how she would feel if he was doing what she was doing, she got upset with me and said I should support her because I was her friend. I am no longer her friend, because at the end of the day, she is not a quality person and is undeserving of my friendship. It is black and white for me.
Good on you. They say that we end up becoming the people around us if we stay too long. Good company is very important.
She needs professional help, and that's not your responsibility.
Good on you for leaving.
Shes a cow
My guess is that she was an SA victim, and she is promiscuous. It's not an excuse for her hurting people.
Ya, he’s cheating 🤦🏼♂️
100%
Or wants to
Well, I can say being a guy. I can't remember a single time I messaged any woman that wasn't part of my family that I at least wasn't attempting or looking for an avenue of "pursuit." That is just the way a huge majority of men are.
Not a doubt in my mind..
So I have seen a lot of men agreeing to the cheating/text message theme here...Honestly what is a person suppose to do going into a relationship on that subject??? I don't want to be THAT controlling woman yet I want to know and Not get played 😞😞😞 Open cell policy???
1. He is a cheater.
2. John should not have came down on her, asking her if she made him feel desired etc. It is absolutely not her fault that her husband betrayed their marriage, her and her trust.
3. There's no need to continue putting in anymore effort into the relationship. She needs to get her things in order to divorce him.
People can do a one sided relationship for a season, depending on circumstances. But, it should not be a life sentence
There is certain responsability in each member of the couple, even if you were the person that suffered the infidelity. I been there and I had to go to that awful road to understand what I did to contribute to my partner's cheating. Let me téll you, I saw a lot of things that weren't ok, and I have to accept I wasn't as good partner as I belived. As Esther Perel says: understanding isn't the same as justification. I understand many things, of course them don't justify the lies and the pain I got from the experience.
I think he gave that advice so that she can exercise all options before moving on.
It takes two to make a marriage! It is most important to get premarital counseling! I think they both need to do couples therapy! If therapy doesn't work, then split! If your both not invested in saving the relationship, it's over.
Exactly. Cheating is about that person’s character, not the other spouse’s lack of effort. Sure, it takes two people to have a relationship, but only one to step out.
If I become a widow, my husband leaves me or my marriage fails for any other reason. I’m not getting in a relationship ever again!!!
I would do same 👍👍
Absolutely 💯
Totally agree
Amen, same here.
I'm so glad to be single.
I’m not exactly 🥺😭
Why are you so glad to be single Angela?
Angela all relationships take work but it’s so rewarding to have someone you know is there for you. I’ve been married 41 years and my husband has health issues. It’s a honor and a blessing to be there for him .🙏🏻
She’s glad to be single so she doesn’t get cheated on. I mean, what else would she mean?
N T oh I see, can’t drown if you don’t go swimming.
The fact that she is asking "is he cheating?" really concerns me. Why is she ignoring the obvious signs? Of course he does! Lusting after other women and romancing with them while being in a relationship is called emotional cheating which is also cheating since it always leads to physical cheating. He is already cheating on you in his heart so this should be clear enough. Just wait till he gets the opportunity to do it physically. Just leave him this relationship is already doomed. You don't want to spend the rest of your life playing detective for such a weak man and live on your toes cause you suspect he is going to cheat again. It's not worth it. He is gonna run to other women every time things get rough.
You are so spot on.
I've been playing detective since I've been cheated(when I was pregnant) on and I'm so miserable and tired. I haven't been able to leave my relationship because I'm currently dependant on him financially.
I'm struggling to get my business up and running cause of resources..
@@Somegirl3602 are things better for you now?
@@blueseptember2174 As far as infidelity goes... That has stopped completely. I gave him an ultimatum to either continue with his womanizing ways after we seperate or he stops and we work on raising our son.
I still am lacking in resources to stand on my own two feet so...
@@Somegirl3602 1st, I feel you, Sister.
Love that you're also a businesswoman. Be patient and keep working at it. Like parenting, you"ll learn what works for you. Some amazing biz mentors on the TH-cam these days, too.
2nd, also some great resources on here to recover from this either way. YT search Affair Recovery or Marriage Helper... Or Happily Committed. They all have video libraries that might be helpful for coping until your biz takes off and might be able to help you best figure out your next step or have service options you can afford.
Watch them with a journal you can jot your feelings down with. So you don't leave crazy obnoxious comments like I do. 😆
Stay strong and as much as possible, keep focused on your goals for happiness and/or success & freedom - regardless of how he responds.
If you focus on making you happy, respecting yourself, conducting yourself with class and dignity come what may, then however the chips fall, you'll win. The prize will be a stronger relationship with your, self reliance, and trust for your instincts. Improving yourself for your own benefit, physically, emotionally, spiritually and health or mental health wise. Taking great care of yourself will help strengthen you no matter how it shakes out.
Get help for you. Some sort of counseling that can support you through this when he fails to do so. You're worth supporting even if not through your connection to him.
I hope for the best for you. If you're exhausted by the detection game, it means you're more focused on catching or controlling him than on stabilizing you for either way.
Been there done that. It's a rabbit hole that robs you of time, energy, sanity, and trust from him.
If you have evidence, his words won't matter. The evidence will speak louder than his words ever could. That's enough.
Some men continue to lie even when confronted with a mystery bra from your wash or a text log showing patterns like he communicates with one number each day when he first wakes up and before bed or constantly every hour except on certain days that he also happened to "work late" or Instagram comments between them that clearly and publicly show at least his pursuit of her or whatever.
If you take your focus off what he might be doing, you'll have more energy, time, and resilience to put toward the biz that will help you garner the resources you need to leave.
Seeing you succeed might re-light his respect and desire for you... But by then you won't want him because you'll have created a better life for you.
See friends and have fun to take the edge off.
It will get better with time, but spending your time and exhausting resources on detective work will only serve to distract or deter your goals.
Plus, it could be crushing depending on what you find out. Like crushing.
At least mentally or emotionally, let his behavior be. You can't change or control it and he doesn't want to. That's clear enough, right?
But you can start distancing yourself in other ways towards your dreams, goals, or visions of the life you want.
Plenty of folks recover from infidelity with or without their partners or spouses and without feeling the crazy-making defective work does to your mental state.
Get yourself some help or at least some inspiration to focus on that's positive instead of destructive. Detecting is exhausting you and if you know already, that's enough.
I once accidentally spent a whole work day I could have been onboarding clients or completing assignments analyzing talk and text logs that showed an obvious pattern when I suspected him of cheating.
He promised to minimize contact with that coworker and not long after the mystery bra appeared in our bedroom... He still denies it to the day, and has hidden some online evidence from me by deleting the accounts I saw he was communicating with her through.
The guy thinks he's taking it to the grave even though it's obvious that he can keep lying, but it will only be to himself.
I want to believe him and believe in us. We have 4 kids still mostly young or very young and literally can't afford to divorce now.
But I helped him get a new job and move us to a safer neighborhood in a state across the country that he likes better than he liked his connection with her so at least we're out of those woods for now (although previously he'd had outstanding friendships with particular coworkers that follow a pattern: younger, single, childless, pretty, friendly females. He always has a work bestie and they always fit that mold - or if he works with all guys or no one there he's got for those jobs don't last he quits those. 😆 The girls keep him motivated and employed at least.
One I naively joked was his "work wife" until he visited her at 1:00 a.m. to help "fix her toilet". Right. The old "gotta clean her pipes" excuse... 😆 So high school.
I don't even care anymore. I'm too focused creating a life for my kkds and I that we love and bolstering us against the economic disaster our country has come to.
Keeping my eyes on the prize realizing our future depends on me - with or without him onboard.
I'm the only paddle I can power our kids up this proverbial creek with.
Why waste time checking on him? He's not worth it. It's not worth the insanity it causes me or the pain that only continues to harm our family resources and destroy whatever might be left of our marriage someday.
The less power you give his cheating and the less you respond to it, the more you can put your mind to constructive outcomes for you that will help you dig out.
You can get through this. It hurts and you shouldn't have to but the less time you waste chasing his cheating arse the better you'll do for your family. Focus on you and what you can change and who you need to show up as today to get your economic engine purring instead of roaring then choking out, metaphorically.
You can do this. Bootstrap it, Babe. By your boots - not his 😉
Detecting can destabilize you and drive you down when what you want is reasons or ability to look up, to reach for that direction. Here's your permission: You're worth it! You and your kid are worth it!
Does he ever question his worth or value? Then why are you testing yours by detection?
Go, girl. Chase Your dreams instead of your drama.
he is "guarding" his phone = he has something to hide, this is going on for longer.
I’ve been dealing with a cheating spouse for over a decade . The same ole song and dance. What I can say is cheaters cheat. They may change for a period of time but they will cheat again. I’ve wasted so many years of my life on the “hope” of what our marriage could be.
Get out! You deserve better
I was told that I had hopium addiction about my marriage over cheating and abusive behaviors. Indeed. I wish you the best.
You can match his energy 😉
Don't fall for the sunk-cost fallacy: "I've already put 10 years into this," "I've already invested so much..."
He doesn't care if he hurts you or brings you home STDs. He doesn't love you. Why stay for someone who doesn't love you?
Please tell us you finally left.
There’s no coming back from cheating for me. Because I wouldn’t trust that person ever again.
This is exactly why I refuse to get involved with a man again. I'm done. Even men in their 60s think they have to have a woman their daughter's age!
lol! It's funny but lord knows it is true!!!
These men and their sleezy women make me sick.
@@USA-GreedyMenOfNoIntegrity. You meant sleezy people in general...
One less female to have around. You won't be miss
@@johnreed9050 If men would treat us like they want to be treated, we wouldn't have this issue. Stop being disrespectful. 3/4 of the time it's the man who cheats. How are women supposed to trust you?
Marriage is hard. We ALL feel neglected at some point, multiple points. When they say communication is key, it's not just a filler word. Marriage is work, and you get what you put in (🙄). And, if two people love one another, they can get through ANY dark periods in their marriage. ♥️
I would also add that true love is a service to one another. Bless you, all🙏❤
Do you think that he’s cheating? Then he’s cheating. Trust your gut.
For sure he crossed here line, and they should have a good clear conversation about that....
Not true. My ex wife thought I was “cheating” because I was being there for a friend during an extremely hard time. She felt that because she felt “emotionally neglected” that I was cheating because she thought I was giving more time/attention to a friend.
Don't trust your gut because our gut is not infallible.
@@raiden031 trust your gut, just don't rely solely on it. Let it guide you to the next step. Telling people to not trust their instincts can be dangerous
@@doompod - You were cheating. Emotional infidelity is cheating. If you really loved your wife then you should have limited your interactions with the other woman. You broke her trust.
My husband did the same thing. I nipped it in the bud. He said it was not cheating. I had told him it was emotional cheating and that hurts even more.
Since emotional cheating hurts even more then I'll cheat physically where it hurts you less.
@@RJ12347 Spoken like a true immature boy 👦
@@EmilyLucille523 you are obviously incapable of seeing sarcasm
Do you trust him now?x
That was sarcasm? Sounded like stupidity
🚩If he’s been guarded about his phone. He is definitely cheating.
Or porn.
I'm single, and I've never messeged a random girl telling her how beautiful she was, if I did that then I would definitely be interested in more.
If you did random girl, I would think you are a weirdo
I don't hear you asking HER if her husband wants to make her feel alive...
If he's cheating (which he most probably is)... Is that the best advice for her?smh.
If you wanna cheat, don't get married 🤷🏾♀️
It really should be that simple. If you're going to want something new and shiny every few years, just choose to not commit.. that's a totally acceptable way to live... As long as you haven't committed to a singular relationship
Yes and be honest about it
Bahahahahahaha bitter much. Getting married is a poor mans game. You not good looking enough for the rich and you too good for the poor. Yea enjoy them cats 🐈 lmao
There is no possible relationship nor is there any man on earth that would make me go through this again. I am NOT going to beg any man to love me and not cheat on me. I will never ever monitor a man’s actions to see if he is cheating or using porn again. The amount of pain this immoral behavior causes is brutal. I don’t care if cheating makes men “feel alive “ or whatever. Even if a guy is not cheating, I will always wonder if they will or won’t. Im out!
I feel you are coming down on her and she needs to do...to keep her guy. If he's cheating then it's his problem.
I feel that too
That’s a very naive way to look at it.
It is not his/her problem it’s THEIR problem. People don’t cheat just because of them selfs it’s usually a bunch of reasons.
@@tacooflove6175 no. People cheat because of themselves. It’s a choice.
So it's *her* fault he's cheating? 🤔
Yeah. 100% his fault. I really don’t like how he advocated for the guy, like he could be texting a 72 year old co worker. The caller needed clarification for the fact that her husband is obviously cheating. She just needed to feel validated in her suspicion. I’m sure the husband is gaslighting her all the way and she’s confused.
Does it not feel like he blamed her instead of the man? I’ll be damned if me OR my wife are texting the opposite sex messages saying they think they’re attractive. That’s cheating. Period.
It felt that way to me. More ons than offs? That was totally triggering for me. Seriously? If I am and do enough, I keep him from cheating? There has been way too much of that kind of message to women. Signing off. Can’t do it.
He always talks about cheating like it's something that just happens and can happen to anyone.
I also am SO glad I’m a not dating these days.!
He's done this before, she called him out....and now he's doing it again......he doesn't care how she feels. He is actively looking for an affair and probably has actually cheated on her. Secretive with his phone.........I learned the hard way, if you think it's happening it probably is and once a cheater always a cheater. Hard as it is I'd just leave him. i left my cheating ex after 7 years of violence and infidelity and never looked back, and I had 2 small kids to bring up, but we all had a better life without him.
What more evidence do you need? He cheating sis. Matthew 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Jesus already said it 🙏🏾
That's not true at all women stare at other men all the time, and find them attractive. Every person on earth has urges it's just the people that act on them that are considered bad.
@@NeedAVacay-y5u I’m speaking from a biblical perspective not a worldly perspective... So yeah
@@NeedAVacay-y5u Admiring someone’s beauty vs lusting are completely different. Jesus is pretty clear on establishing the fact that you can sin in your mind
@@NeedAVacay-y5u she means looking at someone with lust , not admiring them .
Proverbs 31 verse 3. Give not thy strength to women nor they ways to that which ruins kings.
He's not trustworthy. The trust is gone and therefore the relationship is also gone. A man who loves and respects you wouldn't even have the desire to do this. I know it's easier said than done, but I don't think I could stay with him anymore. Have some self respect.
“Do you look at a screen more than you look at his eyes.” I think this is the majority of issues today. Between spouses, between child-parent, between friends, between neighbors, between strangers. So sad, but true.
Yes, good one!
Ots kinda hard to look in his eyes if his eyes are always in the screen looking for fun
If he felt the need to hide anything, it's cheating. That's my line I won't cross, I won't do anything I wouldn't immediately and happily tell my girlfriend about.
Cody! Move now! Like I was told by a healthcare provider, if you don't go you never will! You are grown! Your parents, have no right to emotionally control you! It's not wrong to have your own life!
This podcast/ show is very good. Hard topics are being addressed, helping me navigate thru my own challenges, which are not as large or significant as those of callers, yet the advice definetly helps. I love dr Ds approach to the situations, painting the picture, putting the bricks down, and most of all the resources you go to.
Same, I'm glad I'm single...I couldn't go through that again...
I have been accused of loving my man too much, complimenting him too much, trying too hard. Seriously, for some people, sometimes no matter what you do, the other person is not worthy, but you refuse to see that.
This is why I don't like conversing on social media with my male "friends" who are married. I question their motives. I'm also including men who live with their girlfriends. I always wonder why they feel the need to message me when they have a woman at home. My buddy from college has lived with the same woman for years, but he messages and calls me from time to time. I guess it's his way of checking in on me, but I know he's had a crush on me since college. I would hate it if I were married and my husband was messaging women behind my back.
If my now married friends message me and I want to keep in touch, i use text not fb and message both spouses in conversation.
Love that you give the adult warning before videos. Thank you Dr D
I never thought I’d see the day when I felt more conservative than a Dave Ramsey personality. I like Esther Perel but I do feel her work is having a bad influence on the counseling field, encouraging people like Dr. John to ask questions like, “is it your singular goal every day to make your husband feel desired?” As if that’s the standard for expecting your spouse not to embarrass you by flirting with other people on the internet!
That's not what he said at all. He even said "not that it gives him a reason to cheat and I know I'm going to be taken out of context but".... He is simply saying yes he may have some explaining to do but we as married people have to look at ourselves too and see ourselves as we are. What have we done or not done to contribute to the mess we call our marriage. It doesn't mean the non cheating spouse is to blame but simply needs to reflect inward as well.
Especially once you have kids.
@@Stillpril Having kids or not shouldn’t matter. You should honor your marriage regardless.
Life is too short to be behind a cheater.
Just wanted to say I have never cheated on anyone in my life. Also I would like to add that cheating is abuse. Let’s start labeling it correctly!
Regardless of anything else he's doing, I consider him messaging another woman and telling her she's attractive to be cheating. There's a lot of reasons for that but I'm probably considered weird for having that opinion anyway
I see this a lot. Why is that strong of a line considered so odd? We are supposed to put guns in a safe, jewels hidden, etc. Why not our hearts in our marriage getting at least equal protection?
@@rebekahcrook226 that's a really good point. That's a huge reason I stay far away from any of this type of behavior, so I can guard my heart from adultery, jealousy, comparisons, devisive thoughts etc. Most people do not realize the impact these kinds of things have on their heart and their relationships
Oh I totally agree with you. I believe in safe boundaries. I'm a person with integrity and wouldn't cross the line 😁🙏💜🙏
I agree. That’s cheating in my book. Hes trying to cheat, anyway
No, you’re not weird. You’re right. It is cheating.
PORN IS CHEATING! Move on! I've been through this. If you feel betrayed, then you were betrayed, DONE!
Agreed, I'm so disgusted that most people don't see this. Giving another person your time and energy that is not your partner is cheating. Always.
Not to mention that people are now replacing intimacy with porn. Porn that gets more and more extreme. Happened in my relationship.
Dr. D you are what this country needs !
I’ve thought that too. I keep watching. I don’t always agree. But I always love the conversation.
Jesus said if you look at a woman and lust after her, you have committed adultery with her in your heart. It is a heart issue.
Yeah, messaging women saucy details about how they look is absolutely cheating material. Dump him. Sorry, not sorry.
such a deep powerful thought you had there. thanks for making the world a better place.
@@dontworry1568may not be a deep thought but it was true
@@dontworry1568and what are you trying to do, antisocial weirdo?
Dr. John, your work is incredible and I love listening to you. Not going to lie, I was a little skeptical at first but you’ve grown on me!
Some people get high off the new, the forbidden. In those many cases you can be totally present as a spouse and they’ll still cheat. It’s the adrenaline fix they crave, and it’s like any other addiction out there.
Run, Beth
@@anafernandez7237 7th gzt st yc
@@anafernandez7237 i
@@anafernandez7237 fdfd
Very well said and absolutely true.
If he is guarding his phone, he is cheating. Trust me
From experience, it's not the messages she DID see, but the messages that were DELETED. Secret "friends" never ends well! 💜
He seem like a serial cheater to me. He has done this multiple times. He knows it’s wrong that’s why he is possessive over his phone. I don’t really agree with him on the first call.
What happens when you have had the conversation, asked for the honesty, and he denies it, even when you saw the evidence right in front of him?
Then you leave, cause that relationship will never be the same again. The trust is lost.
Happened to me. That's someone you can't have a relationship with.
Hes a lier
I would say if he has the need to communicate with other women all the time that’s not good.If he’s hiding with secrets, then there’s no trust. Guarding his phone is just another bad sign.I would have a serious discussion with him about the relationship.
Man I feel so bad for the kid that called in. Sounds like he’s a good guy, it’s disgusting his parents are the ones trying to take his legs out from under him. I’m glad he’s trying to get out, I hope he builds himself a good life without those leeches.
John does such a great job asking questions before jumping in with his advice
The “ Dear John” show. You’ve the best name for the work you do😂
Yeah… not sure about his advice on the cheater. From someone who was married to a narcissistic cheater (narcissism was validated by multiple therapists) I can tell you that there’s a good chance her spouse is doing and has done a lot more than she knows. The signs are all there. She can confront him like I confronted mine but he will most likely not take it well. And this will happen again and again along with a lot lot of gaslighting and crazy making. So no. I don’t agree with John’s advice. If this man is anything like the one I married, it only gets worse. Nothing you can do or say will make it better because you will never be enough for someone like that.
What woman on the planet finds a text message from another woman on her husband phone and then sets on it for 3 weeks? My butt would already be in the obituaries
A woman that's used to having her concerns dismissed. Been there.
@@snoozyq9576 but that's not a concern that's grounds for murder LOL
Exactly! Lol
I would have BEEN gone!
That first woman’s husband is an absolute slime ball. 🤮
Look something people don’t think about is having these conversations from the get-go. Talk about your boundaries talk about what counts and what doesn’t count to you. Talk about your preferences and what you’re not OK with. Talk about all your worries and concerns early so that you guys know and it’s not a secret. My parents have a mixed group of men and women in their lives but none of that is secret. we’ve had a lot of friends come and go, but There is always this understanding that your spouse comes first regardless of who your so-called “friends” are. Your husband/wife is still your number one friend and everyone else is pretty much on the back burner.
some women just rather think I don't see nothing or hear nothing it doesn't hurt me.
It DISLOYALTY and making the wife look like a fool to others and the fact that he’s hiding it, he knows it’s hurtful and wrong. Major respect to her for not totally blowing up on him. I don’t think I could have shown such restraint.
At best, it sounds like a fishing expedition. Tossing out a line to see what comes back.
Exactly. If he hasn’t cheated yet, he’s trying to
He's definitely going to cheat if he hasn't started already...
This ruins marriages forever...
So finding out somebody was cheating on you. Is the exact same as somebody cheating on you. Good to know. I feel so bad for this woman and I hope that she finds the real help that in this world
I've learned never to go through the other person's phone. You will find what you are looking for. No matter what the truth is, anything you find will make you mad.
Respectfully, I don't think so. Phones are a relatively new invention in the grand scheme -- no one in history had a device like that that could be totally private. My husband doesn't hide his phone at all and I've looked through it out of boredom -- he doesn't have apps like Instagram and all his text messages are with male friends or his family.
@@bekahbaker1632 that's good, but most people have jealousy issues and start doing it looking for trouble, and they either find it or manufacture it. I'm good on the unnecessary drama, I won't look unless she needs me to.
@@justinpenn1081 if your hesitant to go through it, it’s probably for a good reason bro,
@@Someone-gj3go no hesitation whatsoever. I won't do it.
The idea of "finding drama if you look for it" is a personal mentality issue
To the 17-year old: you may need to work and save for a few months before you get to be independent. Get a second job and it’s OK to help a little either way basic bills but you can do this. Older people can get a simple job at Walmart or Hime Depot. It’s not easy to rent an apt you sometimes need a co signer. But focus on your education. Take Pell grants and no loans. Find your path and be on your own feet but just know there will be challenges. It’s irresponsible to tell this kid just go do it. There’s planning required and risks. We don’t want him on the streets.
Although I find it important to always ask yourself “what am I doing to show my love and affection in this partnership?”, it’s not up to her to make him feel loved enough to not cheat. If he is unhappy with anything, be it with himself, where his life is at or with the relationship, it is up to HIM to step up and voice HIS needs. This is why weekly or at least monthly check ins are so important. Not only with yourself, but with your partner.
The sexless marriage sounds like mine. At first he said it was stress and work and that’s why. Then it was just the way he was and I have to deal with it and then it was because he didn’t find me attractive and thought I was fat and lazy. We wanted kids, obviously it’s not happening because we don’t have sex. He refused to see a doctor or to have therapy. We are almost done with the divorce now.
These guys are checked out. They stay so they get food and clean clothes and don't have to pay alimony. Convenient way to avoid commiting to the other women too.
I can relate. My husband messaging other woman. He really miss her. Instead of winning us back. We are facing divorce.
This show reminds me of Dr. Joy Browne out of NY years ago. Unfortunately she passed away some years ago, but Dr. John’s approach is so similar to hers. ❤️ this.
I found my husband texting a lady for a year or more hiding things I seen red flags it hurt I feel our marriage is over I can’t trust him no more
Cody could room with his brother, then they both get out. The parents will figure out how to support themselves pretty quick when the gravy train no longer stops at their station.
Dr. John I love the way you approached the issue of infidelity. Your description is spot on.
It's hard to imagine that Dr John was a cheater too !
Cheating is behavior from low quality people because basically they lack empathy if they're willing to betray your trust.
You will kill yourself trying to keep someone who does not want to be kept. I have been single for almost 8 years now and I cannot see anyone in this day and age gaining my trust enough to earn my love. It’s a sad world we live in.
Great very mature advice. You are advocating for the relationship not either party!
Man if you can't have each others devices and accounts, then where's the trust.
I've heard guys say.....what's the big deal.....why are you trying to control me ...its just texting....aren't I allowed to have friends..blah! Blah! Blah!!
she sounds passive... she already knows what is going on, just hard to accept,
You are so right on about everything John, thank you for your wisdom!!
Even the Bible says the only justified divorce is cheating or abuse.
Which verse says that abuse is cause for divorce?
Making the decision to go through your partner's phone is an emotional point of no return. Clearly she was right not to trust him, but even had she found nothing, it speaks to deeper issues in their marriage.
It speaks of his untrustworthiness and her intuitive awareness of it. That's what it speaks of.
@@vaska1999GIX just defended the husband , that’s nuts
Disability only takes six months to come through. Not five years!
You don’t hide things, if you have nothing to hide. He’s hiding something.
You're protecting the cheater. If she brings this up he might end up gaslighting her.
I understand, that cheating can come from being mistreated or unfulfilled. However, if there are indeed problems in the marriage, they both need to address them. He should've brought it up, so they can solve it. Instead, he opted for being disloyal. And now this poor woman might end up trying and trying to improve herself and being on her best behaviour to please the disloyal person. And she'll be always on her toes never ceasing to be afraid that he will cheat on her and she might not be a good enough spouse. That's no way to live.
Porn is a big deal believe me. It destroys relationships and marriages.
This always comes down to your boundaries. My wife compliments other men in front of me and we both compliment women in front of each other.... its about agreeing to whats ok and not ok. for us, its ok to find someone attractive and vocalize it. its not ok to go touch them or start anything.
Vocalize it? How about don't look 😅
This message is for Cody (not sure of the spelling). You sound like a good kid with a good head on your shoulders. Make a plan to achieve your goals and when I say plan, I mean write out what you want to do and give things a timeline. Check in on your goals at specific intervals. You are on the path to changing your life and you need a plan. I wish you the best and nothing but excellent things in your future.
Good advice
I'm somewhat new to Dr. Delony, but his citing Emily Nagoski here is going to mean that I definitely come back to hear more of what he has to say.
John lost me with this. If that's the case, he could also let her know what he wants.
If your man keeps cheating on you no matter who you're with you need to go to therapy and find out whatever truama happened to you and heal before seeking another relationship.
Amen! Learnt this the hard way. Finally embracing singledom for a while.
I understand what John is saying about having your own boundaries and keeping secrets and all that stuff surrounding cheating, but I have to disagree with his definition. Jesus said if you even look at another with lust in your heart you have committed adultery. As a Christian, that is the definition. Just because someone doesn't mind porn in their marriage or flirting with others or even open relationships, that doesn't make those things okay. Of course everyone is allowed to do whatever they want inside their own marriage, but it doesn't then mean that God's definition of cheating changes.
Yes! I was thinking the same thing
My heart breaks for the woman in Fort Lauderdale, I am praying for her🙏🏼
This reminds me of the time a guy I used to know from high school slipped into my DMs on Facebook and started hitting on me. After talking for awhile, he asks me if I’m single. I said yes, of course. (my profile says I’m single as does his). So, it made me think to ask. I asked him if he was in a relationship and he said “No, not really. I’m just married.” I said, “Does your wife know you’re not in a relationship?” He then proceeded to tell the most convoluted story to justify messaging single women while still legally married and living in his marital home with his wife and child. Yeah, no buddy. *Blocked.* This woman needs to run. He’s a cheater and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s lying to his conquests about his marital status.