These are AMAZING recommendations! So practical and to the point. 'Be the model for what you want to be for your children!' Thanks so much, Dr. Shaler.
This audio is so beneficial for anyone who is going through this!! your actions are the only thing you can change and understand they are not interested in Their child/children!!
I'm glad you found it helpful. The thing is that narcissistic people aren't really interested in who their children are. They're only interested in what their children can do for them. They actually have uses for their children to boost their own power, control, and validation. Sad.
Thank you for doing these, Dr. Shaler. Going through this now and this one really means a lot and I am so grateful for your time! I purchased your Kaizen for Couples book. SO great! Wish I had had it years ago. I really lost myself in this marriage. It will help me in all my relationships going forward though. You're a beautiful soul.
Sometimes it seems like the blanket statement of “don’t say anything negative about the other parent” is very invalidating and dare I say gaslighting to the child’s experience. My child witnessed her dad walk out the front door and move in with his girlfriend. How are they supposed to interpret this? It’s not ok. As a Christian family, we have to address “thou shalt not commit adultery.” How do you do this without sounding negative?
It's the way you phrase it. Wait for the right moment and then say, well, a lot of people do same, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do. Also flip situations, I do that... Do YOU think if someone did this to you, or X or Z... What would you think, good? Bad, would you like it if someone lies about you... Etc, and my boys are only 8y old and this been 6....years plus
Adultery is a grownup problem. Children would be better off learning the Ten Commandments in a Church setting or in a class without being emotionally burdened by their parent's relationship issues. When you say negative things about the child's father, you are unwittingly saying negative things about the child because the child has half their genes from their father.
@@carolmartin8781 As a wife who experienced her husband's adultery and a child of an adulterer, I can honestly say that "negative" and "truthful" are two different things. Kids who have witnessed their parents' sins absolutely deserve truth (age appropriate of course). I don't agree with the idea that a child personalizes negativity about their parent. I know that I am not the reason my dad made poor choices. I also disagree that adultery is just a grown up problem. That is an extremely naive and un-Christian way of thinking in my opinion. Adultery and broken families not only affect the children but all of society in a negative way.
@@seasonalliving2881 You got it backward. Of course, you're not the reason your dad made poor choices. However, a child may think they are like their father or mother if they make bad choices. I pray you can overcome the hatred in your heart, and forgive your husband one day. It's more for you than him.
@@carolmartin8781 While I appreciate your intentions, I disagree with you. Thanks for your prayers. Also, he is not my husband anymore. He left me for the other woman.
The children are SO caught! They have half of each parent's DNA and they want to please both, in most cases. They have developing brains and little world experience to make any sense of it. So sad.
Anyone in a narc relationship MUST leave eapeciallly if you have kids together... Staying only distroys kids even more... My 3 have ptsd. And will need therapy for yrs to come now.. But. In time they will be okay. Their father walked away and cut off all contact and has nothing to do with them... Not evwryone should be a parent... Does anyone know if i can go for full custody of kids due to him cutting them off. And zero communication.. 5 mths and counting. . ( surely that would wipe his % of parental rights.... . and now hes moved 5 hours away and didnt even notify me even though he was court ordered. To do so... He wont even reply to my messages regards kids. So surely. Judge would cease his parental rights.... Thabks for any replies regards my concerns.
I left their dad due to my oldest saying he would end his life if dad didnt leave us for good.... We have split and it was the best thing for all... Hes now given up 100% access and communication with us all which is fine. Ill be going for full custody soon and he eill be charged with multiple serious offences . he will likely do time and rightfully so.....
I feel like glossing over abuse with the kids leaves them confused. I have to educate my kids on what abuse is, what it looks like, what they are experiencing and that it is NOT THEIR FAULT. Kids see what's going on and need to learn to be resilient, but they don't intuitively know how, so they must be taught.
Thank you so much for your personal insight and knowledge. No person should have to go through this. I was about to reply to a text asking if I was testing for bipolar when in fact there biological mother has it. Go figure.
My kids have seen and heard it all. They saw him crazy, breaking stuff. They know he goes extra on everything and double on me. And they've seen me on high alert trying to make everything at home "perfect" so his rage of the day wouldn't continue into the night. They've seen me asking out loud for days after what I can I do better?? He mercifully moved out almost 2 months ago. The kids and I were exhausted. I don't say "mean things" about him. They can see it on me when he's been texting about how I "don't care about the kids/or our family/our home" for sometimes 10 hours straight. I look like I've been bled out. And I have no problem with saying he is a turd and drives me crazy and I'm just not doing it anymore. They can relate. My daughter, especially. My youngest is so sensitive to disappointing him - he's a basket case sometimes. But both of my boys see him nearly every day. He's 2 doors down. He waaaaaaaay invalidates - EVERYONE. But I tell them how much he loves them. That he is hurting too. He is their dad. He's a good dad. Love on your dad. Have you talked to your dad? Why don't you see what your dad's doing? I build him up to them a LOT. I use them as messengers. Tell your dad if he wants dinner before you guys go, I'll make him a plate.
At first i do not now what is a Narcissist,after watching this,it suddenly sink to me,that i am with a Narcissist.I do not know why suddenly i do not want to talk to him for months,because he left us because he said he wants to do businesss but not making money out of it,i knew and feel he is trying to avoid me,and my two kids not to give child support .So many instances that he try to leave us because he said he cant supoort us,take note he is still young.After realizing i am dealing with a Narcicisst,like even if it is his fault at the end he will make you feel it is your fault ,and that he is so pitty.
Great info thank you. What do you tell kids when contact was stopped solely due to the unhealthy parent directly putting 1 child at risk (final straw after questionable behaviour)? They have to stay off social media group pics at school etc for our safety, yet court have accused alienation due to me telling THEM about all abuse when asked whilst the kids were present, hence they parroted it when asked. Little did I know alienation was what he was doing before contact stopped! How do I say we need to "stay away from the fire because its dangerous" without being accused of alienation...? Thanks again
You're welcome! It's such a razor's edge to walk when children are involved! Children need first to be told in age appropriate ways. Little children under 6 years old or so process information differently than older kids and teens due to stages of brain development. All kids need to know that not being able to interact with Dad was not their fault in any way. It's nothing that they've done. Even though that may seem obvious, to young kids it's the first thing they go to to make sense of it. Older kids need to know they haven't been rejected or abandoned because of who they are." This is primary, in my opinion. Always empathize with the children's feelings and give them time to talk out their emotions at their age level of understanding...even when they are raging and blaming you. It's hard but you're the safe parent to whom they can vent. Small children need to hear that "Daddy has a new house and we can't go there. You did nothing wrong. Mommy knows this is hard but, for right now, this is best ." Older children can hear "We can't go do Dad's house because he has some things to work out. Right now, we have to do what makes that best for everyone. These are adult things and I know it's hard to understand. It's nothing to do with you. I'll take good care of you." Teens can hear "Dad has stuff to work out, and my job is to keep us safe in every way. I know you care about your father, and adult stuff can be hard to understand. We can talk about your feelings, for sure, and I'm listening. It's hard, but safety comes in many forms and I know this is best for us at this time. I am not doing this to make your life miserable, but to support you in the best ways, even when you cannot see that. I know it might seem unfair, and I hear you. (Then, let them talk, affirm their feelings, reiterate the boundaries, and clearly tell them what is beyond your control.) I hope that helps. It will steer clear of the alienation part, and yet, many kids want way more answers. Let me know if you have other questions. I wish you well.
Am I the only one that noticed Dr Shaler actually listed 1,2,3,4,5,7,8,9,9 ? (actually a list of 9 things, never made it to a 10th. (unless #10 was document everything)
These are AMAZING recommendations! So practical and to the point.
'Be the model for what you want to be for your children!'
Thanks so much, Dr. Shaler.
You're so welcome!
This was excellent! Thank you for putting this out there! I’m a single mom of 5
This audio is so beneficial for anyone who is going through this!! your actions are the only thing you can change and understand they are not interested in Their child/children!!
I'm glad you found it helpful. The thing is that narcissistic people aren't really interested in who their children are. They're only interested in what their children can do for them. They actually have uses for their children to boost their own power, control, and validation. Sad.
Dr Shaler, your message is powerful and uplifting! Thank you so much! 🙏
What a brilliant video! Thank you!
Thank you for doing these, Dr. Shaler. Going through this now and this one really means a lot and I am so grateful for your time! I purchased your Kaizen for Couples book. SO great! Wish I had had it years ago. I really lost myself in this marriage. It will help me in all my relationships going forward though. You're a beautiful soul.
Sometimes it seems like the blanket statement of “don’t say anything negative about the other parent” is very invalidating and dare I say gaslighting to the child’s experience. My child witnessed her dad walk out the front door and move in with his girlfriend. How are they supposed to interpret this? It’s not ok. As a Christian family, we have to address “thou shalt not commit adultery.” How do you do this without sounding negative?
It's the way you phrase it. Wait for the right moment and then say, well, a lot of people do same, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do. Also flip situations, I do that... Do YOU think if someone did this to you, or X or Z... What would you think, good? Bad, would you like it if someone lies about you... Etc, and my boys are only 8y old and this been 6....years plus
Adultery is a grownup problem. Children would be better off learning the Ten Commandments in a Church setting or in a class without being emotionally burdened by their parent's relationship issues. When you say negative things about the child's father, you are unwittingly saying negative things about the child because the child has half their genes from their father.
@@carolmartin8781 As a wife who experienced her husband's adultery and a child of an adulterer, I can honestly say that "negative" and "truthful" are two different things. Kids who have witnessed their parents' sins absolutely deserve truth (age appropriate of course). I don't agree with the idea that a child personalizes negativity about their parent. I know that I am not the reason my dad made poor choices. I also disagree that adultery is just a grown up problem. That is an extremely naive and un-Christian way of thinking in my opinion. Adultery and broken families not only affect the children but all of society in a negative way.
@@seasonalliving2881 You got it backward. Of course, you're not the reason your dad made poor choices. However, a child may think they are like their father or mother if they make bad choices. I pray you can overcome the hatred in your heart, and forgive your husband one day. It's more for you than him.
@@carolmartin8781 While I appreciate your intentions, I disagree with you. Thanks for your prayers. Also, he is not my husband anymore. He left me for the other woman.
This was powerful thank you
You're so welcome!
It's emotionally draining for the adult imagine how the children feels 💔😪🙏🏽✊🏽💜🦋
The children are SO caught! They have half of each parent's DNA and they want to please both, in most cases. They have developing brains and little world experience to make any sense of it. So sad.
Anyone in a narc relationship MUST leave eapeciallly if you have kids together... Staying only distroys kids even more... My 3 have ptsd. And will need therapy for yrs to come now.. But. In time they will be okay. Their father walked away and cut off all contact and has nothing to do with them...
Not evwryone should be a parent...
Does anyone know if i can go for full custody of kids due to him cutting them off. And zero communication.. 5 mths and counting. . ( surely that would wipe his % of parental rights.... . and now hes moved 5 hours away and didnt even notify me even though he was court ordered. To do so... He wont even reply to my messages regards kids. So surely. Judge would cease his parental rights....
Thabks for any replies regards my concerns.
I left their dad due to my oldest saying he would end his life if dad didnt leave us for good.... We have split and it was the best thing for all... Hes now given up 100% access and communication with us all which is fine. Ill be going for full custody soon and he eill be charged with multiple serious offences . he will likely do time and rightfully so.....
I feel like glossing over abuse with the kids leaves them confused. I have to educate my kids on what abuse is, what it looks like, what they are experiencing and that it is NOT THEIR FAULT. Kids see what's going on and need to learn to be resilient, but they don't intuitively know how, so they must be taught.
Thank you so much for your personal insight and knowledge.
No person should have to go through this. I was about to reply to a text asking if I was testing for bipolar when in fact there biological mother has it. Go figure.
My kids have seen and heard it all. They saw him crazy, breaking stuff. They know he goes extra on everything and double on me. And they've seen me on high alert trying to make everything at home "perfect" so his rage of the day wouldn't continue into the night. They've seen me asking out loud for days after what I can I do better??
He mercifully moved out almost 2 months ago. The kids and I were exhausted. I don't say "mean things" about him. They can see it on me when he's been texting about how I "don't care about the kids/or our family/our home" for sometimes 10 hours straight. I look like I've been bled out. And I have no problem with saying he is a turd and drives me crazy and I'm just not doing it anymore. They can relate. My daughter, especially. My youngest is so sensitive to disappointing him - he's a basket case sometimes. But both of my boys see him nearly every day. He's 2 doors down. He waaaaaaaay invalidates - EVERYONE.
But I tell them how much he loves them. That he is hurting too. He is their dad. He's a good dad. Love on your dad. Have you talked to your dad? Why don't you see what your dad's doing? I build him up to them a LOT.
I use them as messengers. Tell your dad if he wants dinner before you guys go, I'll make him a plate.
At first i do not now what is a Narcissist,after watching this,it suddenly sink to me,that i am with a Narcissist.I do not know why suddenly i do not want to talk to him for months,because he left us because he said he wants to do businesss but not making money out of it,i knew and feel he is trying to avoid me,and my two kids not to give child support .So many instances that he try to leave us because he said he cant supoort us,take note he is still young.After realizing i am dealing with a Narcicisst,like even if it is his fault at the end he will make you feel it is your fault ,and that he is so pitty.
I wish you had a book on this exact topic that I could buy. even if it were a fairly short one.
Awesome!
I'm glad you found it so.
Great info thank you. What do you tell kids when contact was stopped solely due to the unhealthy parent directly putting 1 child at risk (final straw after questionable behaviour)? They have to stay off social media group pics at school etc for our safety, yet court have accused alienation due to me telling THEM about all abuse when asked whilst the kids were present, hence they parroted it when asked.
Little did I know alienation was what he was doing before contact stopped! How do I say we need to "stay away from the fire because its dangerous" without being accused of alienation...? Thanks again
You're welcome!
It's such a razor's edge to walk when children are involved! Children need first to be told in age appropriate ways. Little children under 6 years old or so process information differently than older kids and teens due to stages of brain development.
All kids need to know that not being able to interact with Dad was not their fault in any way. It's nothing that they've done. Even though that may seem obvious, to young kids it's the first thing they go to to make sense of it. Older kids need to know they haven't been rejected or abandoned because of who they are." This is primary, in my opinion.
Always empathize with the children's feelings and give them time to talk out their emotions at their age level of understanding...even when they are raging and blaming you. It's hard but you're the safe parent to whom they can vent.
Small children need to hear that "Daddy has a new house and we can't go there. You did nothing wrong. Mommy knows this is hard but, for right now, this is best ."
Older children can hear "We can't go do Dad's house because he has some things to work out. Right now, we have to do what makes that best for everyone. These are adult things and I know it's hard to understand. It's nothing to do with you. I'll take good care of you."
Teens can hear "Dad has stuff to work out, and my job is to keep us safe in every way. I know you care about your father, and adult stuff can be hard to understand. We can talk about your feelings, for sure, and I'm listening. It's hard, but safety comes in many forms and I know this is best for us at this time. I am not doing this to make your life miserable, but to support you in the best ways, even when you cannot see that. I know it might seem unfair, and I hear you. (Then, let them talk, affirm their feelings, reiterate the boundaries, and clearly tell them what is beyond your control.)
I hope that helps. It will steer clear of the alienation part, and yet, many kids want way more answers. Let me know if you have other questions. I wish you well.
You mean "Counter Parenting" a Narcissist doesn't know how to coparent 🙏🏽✊🏽💜🦋
It can certainly feel like that. You're right!
Dr. Romani touches on that in this video. Thank goodness for people like her and Dr. Shaler. I'd be lost. th-cam.com/video/AHL_A0kodlY/w-d-xo.html
Am I the only one that noticed Dr Shaler actually listed 1,2,3,4,5,7,8,9,9 ? (actually a list of 9 things, never made it to a 10th. (unless #10 was document everything)